#very unplanned lack of activity

[chaoticbardlady99]

I Wondered if I Could Come Home? (Astarion x Pregnant F! Reader) MDNI 18+ Part 2

CW: Smut, insecurities, pregnancy sex, PIV

Tag-list: @im-just-a-simp-le-whore @starstruck-mj-writings @divineknightmare

Part 1 is on my Masterlist :)

This is unedited because I’m tired 😂💜

Photo belongs to @cheekylittlepupp on Tumblr

“These are all truly terrible options, Darling,” Astarion whispers into your ear, “I feel like putting anyone in this should be considered abuse.”

You try and fail to suppress the laughter- covering your mouth with your hand when another woman shoots you a glare. You should regret dragging Astarion in here, but you don’t. He’s right- this place has absolutely nothing adorable and you hate shopping here. You are very happy he shares the same sentiment.

This was an unplanned stop in the grand scheme of the evening. Astarion had insisted on taking you on a date the moment you woke up this morning. When you went to protest and say, “I look like a beached whale, no”- you were thoroughly kicked by Eowyn.

You picked the name Eowyn together a little over a month after Astarion first arrived. It’s almost month 7 now and although Astarion missed out for a few months- your daughter and him are already peas in a pod.

You disagree with Astarion? Kick. If you pick a book that doesn’t interest him? Kick. You get hormonal, angry, and Astarion sounds even slightly sad? You bet you are gonna be running to the bathroom to throw up. She’s a spiteful fucking kid and you cannot catch a break. You are the one carrying her and yet!

You suppose you can’t blame her though. You don’t want to give him any reason to leave anymore than she does. You know Astarion won’t leave again, but that worry is also silently there.

“Darling,” Astarion whispers, “come look at this atrocity.”

Astarion scrunches up his nose and picks up one of the other baby outfits. He looks at you with a “really?” and shows you a piece of fabric fashioned into a onesie with “Selune Loves Me”. You don’t even bother to suppress your snort of laughter.

“I have a horrible feeling that Shadowheart will be buying that for Eowyn,” you sigh.

“Oh no- not if I can help it!” Astarion puts the onesie back (he even folds it), “our kid is going to be a raging atheist and I will have it no other way!”

“And if she decides to be a cleric or a paladin?”

Astarion grumbles a “well that’s different” under his breath. He opens the door for you and bows dramatically as you walk through it. Astarion’s smile is brighter than the sun when you giggle.

“I’m glad you are willing to support all possible life paths, Star,” you tease.

“I will eventually convince her to change her mind,” he muses, “we’ll begin putting swords and instruments in front of her and hope she turns out better than Volo.”

You huff at him and roll your eyes. He intertwined his fingers with yours and you continued the rest of your date.

***************************

You are laying in your bed- remaining absolutely still. Astarion seems like he is still sleeping?

Whatever sick fuck keeps adding spice into your life, has gifted you an incredibley real sex dream with Astarion. Again.

You told yourself you were going to behave- certainly not because you want to. It’s out of respect for Astarion and his boundaries. You don’t know what he’s been up to or if he would even want to while you look like this.

Oh wonderful- tears.

The hardest part of this whole pregnancy nonsense is that you don’t feel good about yourself or how you look. You didn’t necessarily have the best self esteem to start with, but your body changing in front of you almost every day wasn’t helping. You know your hips have gotten slightly wider and your breasts have gotten bigger. You try to be active as much as possible so you feel some control and you eat as healthy as you possibly can without lacking nutrients, but none of it felt like enough. You feel disgusting.

Your silent tears fall down your cheeks as you suppress your pitiful sniffling. If you close your eyes, you’ll eventually fall asleep. That’s what you usually do and that’s what you did when Astarion was gone. Sleep heals everything.

Maybe your body has finally had enough of pushing all of the discomfort back. All those feelings of being unwanted, unloved, and not like yourself are ripping you apart at the seams as they rush to your eyes.

You begin to move away from Astarion- deciding it would be better for you to sit in your little rocking chair and read for a bit. There is no reason to make yourself upset over something you can’t change. Your pregnancy will be over soon enough anyhow.

“Darling?”

Astarion’s voice pierces the silence and his fingers are clinging to your shirt as if to keep you there.

You clear your throat, “yes my Star?”

“Where are you going?”

Astarion sounds incredibly worried. It’s been hard for him to see you when you are sick or when you are obviously picking yourself apart in the mirror. Astarion is constantly worrying about your vertigo and you walking around without him or Shadowheart to catch you.

You told him that his worry isn’t necessary and that you would let him know if you were feeling dizzy or like you were going to pass out. You don’t want to bring harm to yourself or your child.

“I know you know your body, Darling,” Astarion says with his shoulders slumped and a slight frown on his lips, “I have no right to tell you what you can or cannot do, but please, my Love. I just found you again. I can’t even fathom the idea of-“

Astarion had broken down sobbing, then you began to cry, and then Eowyn was kicking so you caved and promised to let him know if you were leaving the room.

You roll over to look at him and his eyebrows raise in alarm. You hastily run the tears away and smile.

“I was just going to sit on the rocking chair.”

Astarion just squints at you and you avoid his gaze- looking up out the window.

“The moon is very pret-“

“Tav, why were you crying?”

Dammit. It’s the “I’m serious” Astarion voice.

“Oh uh,” you chuckle awkwardly, “I just had an interesting dream and it led to interesting thoughts- then TADA pregnancy hormones.”

Astarion flashes you a teasing smile before ghosting his lips over yours.

“Oh I am very aware of these ‘interesting’ dreams of yours, Darling. I’ve been waiting for you to finally ask me to re-enact a few.”

Your heart stops momentarily and you blink a couple times. There is no way you heard that correctly. You begin to tear up and Astarion’s brows furrow in concern.

“You don’t want that,” you say in a low voice, a stray tear rolls down your cheek, “I look disgusting.”

His lips are on yours in an instance- a whimper leaves your lips as you feel a warm stirring between your legs. It’s almost embarrassing how desperately your body wants him- craves him. Being kissed like this by him again is a blessing.

“I wish you would stop trying to guess what I want when it comes to you,” he sighs against your lips, “and I wish you could see how beautiful you are- all the time.”

“My body has just changed so much- to me anyway,” you whisper, “I worry that I’m not attractive to you anymore.”

Astarion grabs your hand with his and guides you down to the front of his underwear- opening your hand so that you palm against his erection. You blush furiously when he forces your eyes to meet his with his other hand. His pupils are blown wide with lust.

“Does it feel like I’m not attracted to you anymore?”

“No,” you whisper shyly.

“I want you desperately,” he places a chaste kiss on your lips, “As I always have.”

You feel embarrassed by the sigh of relief that leaves your mouth upon his confession. You want to be with him this way so badly it hurts. You hesitantly wrap your leg around his hip and you pull him in for a kiss.

Astarion’s lips are soft against yours. You keep a slow pace- unsure of how far he would be willing to go.

You find out pretty quickly when you feel his hands find your underwear- tearing away the fabric completely. You pout against his lips playfully.

“I liked those.”

“I’ll buy you a thousand more pairs, my Love.”

“But-“

The breath leaves your body when you feel his fingers begin to play with your clit. Astarion roughly presses the pads of his fingers against your clit- the additional friction making you keen in pleasure.

Astarion starts to pull away and your hands find purchase in his hair- pulling him back to you. Your desperation spurs him on and your lips are crashing against each other at a fast pace.

You feel him pull you back by your hair, making you look at him- you open your mouth to protest, but then you feel one of his fingers slide into you. Astarion pushes himself all the way into you with his finger until his palm is teasing your already sensitive clit. He must realize how ready you are for him because he enters a second finger and then a third shortly after.

The feeling of his fingers inside of you are intoxicating and the way he is looking at you is even more so. Your moans are on display for him to see- Astarion’s hand in your hair has yet to loosen as he finger fucks you relentlessly.

“So good, so perfect,” he says, “and I’m the only one who will ever have the pleasure of breeding you.”

Astarion’s words rip something inside of you open- you begin to clench around his fingers hard as your climax sinks into your body. His name falls from your lips like a prayer.

It probably is- if you are being entirely honest to yourself. Astarion looks ethereal under the moonlight that floods the room. His curls are mussed up a bit from sleep, his lips turned upward and slightly parted as he watched you be overtaken with pleasure.

Astarion leaves a chaste kiss on your lips and moves your hair out of your face. He sits up and pulls you onto his lap and traces the veins in your neck down to your collarbones. His hands meet in the middle to unlace your shirt all while making eye contact the entire time.

“Gods,” Astarion whispers as he kisses down your chest, “you are exquisite, my Love.”

You must have forgotten what it was like to be under Astarion’s lustful hands and loving gaze. Your dreams were nowhere like this.

You whine at the skin contact and you feel yourself clench around nothing. The feeling of his cold fingers running along your skin- how they tease and pinch your sensitive nipples. Astarion’s word of praise alone are enough to get you off.

“So needy.”

Astarion takes one of your sensitive nubs into his mouth- sucking and grazing it with his fangs. His other hand begins to trail downward as grinds his erection up into your unclothed, soaking folds.

“Have you missed me, Darling?” Astarion coos, “has no one else been able to make you feel this way since I’ve been gone?”

You know exactly what he is asking.

“Yes,” you say breathlessly, “because my hands are nowhere as skilled as yours.”

Astarion’s laughter fills the air and your body with joy. His hand moves to release his erection from his underwear. You gasp at the sight and your hand immediately goes downwards- you feel him growl against your breast when you swipe your finger through some of his precum.

You look down and his eyes are on yours as you put your finger between your lips, licking it clean.

Astarion moves his attention from your breasts- pulling you by your hair down to his mouth so he can taste himself on you. The other hand lines him up with your entrance before pulling you down by your hips at the same time he thrusts upward.

You see stars as Astarion grazes that perfect spot inside of you. His hands had untangled from your hair a while ago, both of his hands guiding your hips down so that you continue to take his full length.

“Astar- I’m going to- fuck,” you cry out as his fingers find your clit again.

“You are going to what, my Dear? I’m afraid I didn’t catch that,” he says teasingly, his thrusts getting sloppier as you clench harder and harder.

“I- I,” your eyes roll in the back of your head as you pitch forward, putting your face in the crook of his neck. Your moans reverberate through the room- your voice is almost guttural from the intense amount of pleasure you are experiencing.

Astarion’s orgasm followed yours quickly- his moans coming out ragged and incoherent as he fills you to the brim with his seed.

You kiss his cheek, along his cheek bone, and then back until you are in the crook of his neck again.

“You are the most incredible woman I have ever had the privilege to lay eyes on,” Astarion says fondly, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, Star,” your blissfully fucked body relaxes against his.

You don’t remember when you began to fall asleep or when Astarion repositioned you so that you were spooning. The only thing you can recall is Astarion kissing your shoulder, neck, and behind your ear while whispering his gratitude and love for you into your skin.

[miraclechatbug]

In Animaestro, Adrien said, "Well, I'm more of a dog person myself."

He could be lying to protect his identity... but I like this theory too.

Since the Ladybug and Black Cat miraculouses are meant to represent yin and yang, I believe the same thing applies to Marinette and Adrien.

So, Marinette is a cat person and Adrien is a dog person! :D

Other things/headcanons:

- Adrien is an early bird; Marinette is a night owl

- Adrien is always described as sunshine or the summer sky; Marinette is described as moonshine or the ocean

- Adrien is very tidy and organized; Marinette is chaotic and disorganized

- Adrien is more quiet, a listening type; Marinette is the type to overshare and give lots of advice

- Adrien prefers classical music; Marinette is more into contemporary- though they both like Jagged Stone

- Adrien is very calm and thinks about his words before he says them; Marinette thinks at a mile per minute and doesn't have much of a filter

- Adrien is a very internal thinker, meaning he processes things internally which is why he's able to develop a persona like Chat Noir very easily; Marinette is more of an external thinker, she processes things by talking to people and asking questions and needs to be surrounded by activity to process better

- Adrien is very unsure about his future and place in the world; Marinette has a lot of ideas about what she wants to do in her future

- Adrien might take a more calm and relaxed approach to life as he grows older; Marinette is more goal-oriented and ambitious

- Adrien may be good at being creative, but he draws inspiration from other artists and people; Marinette always has a unique flair in every one of her designs

- Adrien avoids confrontation whenever he can even when someone tries to encourage him; Marinette will stand up for herself and others, especially when she's given encouragement

- Adrien might not always want to talk about his feelings or talk about his issues, used to process things on his own; Marinette might want everyone to talk it out, the type who wants everything out in the open

- Adrien is extremely forgiving when he is wronged, to the point that it could be harmful to him; Marinette is more stubborn, it takes her more time to see herself in another persons shoes if she doesn't relate to them- she doesn't forgive or forget easily

- Adrien is more of the type to get sad and depressed; Marinette is the type to get anxious and worried

- Adrien is more of a follower, go-with-the-flow type of person; Marinette likes taking the lead and charge when no one else seems to

- Adrien is optimistic, and always tries to think about the best-case scenarios; Marinette is a bit pessimistic, always thinking about the worst-case scenarios and catastrophizing

- Adrien has very few, close friends and prefers it this way; Marinette always ends up making friends with a lot of people

- Adrien prefers to focus on the practical matters and issues on hand; Marinette prefers to dig deeper and understand the bigger picture

- Adrien is more comfortable with an unplanned, spontaneous approach to life; Marinette wants plans, schedules, and well-defined procedures in place

- Adrien's very graceful and can move with ease; Marinette is clumsy and lacks a good hand-eye-coordination

- Adrien finds happiness and freedom in being Chat Noir; Marinette finds it stifling and constricting at times

- Adrien refrains from making judgments about people too quickly; Marinette jumps into conclusions too quickly

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

There's more, but I can't think anymore, and it's like 3am haha. I don’t mean to say that they are opposites of one another, they're actually really similar in nature and have similar values, they just might come at it differently. I just wanted to write down the differences I could think of, the contrast between the two.

"Creation and destruction are the two ends of the same moment." "Without order, nothing can exist. Without chaos, nothing can evolve."

They're a beautiful balance of each other, two sides of the same coin

[carriehobbs]

i've been thinking about the detective's nanny from the agency again (because i saw this post) and i decided to compile what information i could find about the nanny with their sources. if anyone has anything i missed, please let me know so i can edit the post and add it!

the detective had multiple agency nannies(1, 2) who were supernaturals(3), at least one (if not all) of whom had "empathic type abilities"(4)*. the detective didn't have "a different one [nanny] every week" but also likely didn't have "one for their whole childhood"(2). instead, "they likely shift out quite a bit on a rota"(1). i would speculate that the detective likely had one nanny for a few years, then another nanny for a few years, and so on and so forth until they aged out of requiring the nanny's care, as "children need stability"(2).

rebecca ceased to hire agency nannies "as soon as MC was mostly old enough to care for themselves and before drawing the MC’s attention" to the supernatural(5). afterwards, the nannies would have been reassigned and moved away from wayhaven(6). it is currently (as of july 4 2018) unplanned for any of the nannies to show up in the series(6).

it was due to the detective's response (or lack thereof) to the nanny's supernatural abilities that rebecca figured out about the detective's mutation(3, 4). rebecca knew that something was odd about how the detective responded (or didn't respond) to supernaturals, but it didn't click until the murphy case that the detective also had the mutation that murphy was after(3). the agency nanny (and likely any other supernaturals that the detective encountered) would have been confused about the detective's (lack of) response to their abilities(4).

we know very little about the specifics of what responsibilities rebecca took on when raising the detective. it has been stated that rebecca was "home for those special moments in the MC’s life" such as holidays(7)**. rebecca "was there [for the detective] as much as possible, but mostly it was the nanny who was there"(1). it is unclear precisely what daily activities rebecca was involved in when raising the detective.

*it is often difficult to determine whether or not a statement applies to one of the detective's nannies or to all of them; mishka often answers asks about the detective's nannies as if there was only one nanny, (i suspect as there was originally only planned to be one nanny(2) and mishka later expanded on how the agency handles childcare), though it has been stated that the detective had multiple nannies.

**it should be noted that holiday magic(8) directly contradicts the statement that rebecca was home for the holidays and that she "went as far out as she could with things like that"(7). in holiday magic, the detective states that they often spent christmas with an elderly couple in wayhaven (the wrights) instead of their regular nanny when they were as young as the age of three. however, i think it is worth questioning how much of what is written in holiday magic should be taken as gospel given the game's noncanonical status. ultimately, i think it is up to each player to evaluate the reliability of information that is mentioned in the books themselves, information mentioned in asks, and information in noncanonical side-stories (such as holiday magic).

(1) https://seraphinitegames.tumblr.com/post/182422584823/if-it-isnt-too-spoilery-im-quite-curious

(2) https://seraphinitegames.tumblr.com/post/190423259894/i-remember-in-an-ask-you-said-that-we-were-mostly

(3) https://seraphinitegames.tumblr.com/post/178882583572/not-sure-if-its-been-asked-before-but-how-did-the

(4) https://seraphinitegames.tumblr.com/post/180171443194/how-did-mc-react-to-supernaturals-without-knowing

(5) https://seraphinitegames.tumblr.com/post/176946500762/are-we-ever-going-to-learn-who-raised-mc-like-was

(6) https://seraphinitegames.tumblr.com/post/175536877158/so-youve-stated-that-a-nanny-took-care-of-our

(7) https://seraphinitegames.tumblr.com/post/179891796139/was-rebecca-always-home-for-the-holidays

(8) https://seraphinite.itch.io/holiday-magic-a-wayhaven-christmas-story

[enbycrip]

I am pro-kid because I am pro-human, and kids are people. No matter how much social bullshit tries to say they are not.

No one asked to be here. Everyone deserves a loving, gentle, safe childhood; and the world is actively a much worse place because that idea is somehow controversial.

Active hostility towards kids also *massively* entrenches the inequality birthing and feeding parents experience. If you really hate kids but you don’t hate women and people read as women, sell treating kids like people to yourself on fighting misogyny. And consider that hating any group of marginalised people for their marginalisation is bigotry.

You don’t have to like kids en masse. You *certainly* don’t need to have them if you don’t want to, or to babysit kids if you don’t feel comfortable doing so.

But you *do* have a responsibility to treat kids like people, including accommodating their needs. Don’t be a dick to kids you meet in the wild, and don’t be a dick to parents because their kids are acting like kids.

And be aware of the intersections of privilege when you are considering kids in public. Kids who are getting in your way in public spaces are likely to be doing that because of poverty, frankly. Very few parents *want* to take their young kids on a long ride on public transport, especially if said kids are clearly either tired and cranky or full of energy that public transport is a shitty environment to release it on. If they are doing this, it is likely because they have no other options.

And please don’t make the disingenuous “they chose to have kids” argument; horribly, bodily autonomy is not a given for birthing parents. About a third of births in “western countries” are unplanned. There is lack of access to birth control and reproductive healthcare and there are controlling partners (manipulation through sex and reproduction is a favoured tactic for far too many abusers).

A 3 year old having a meltdown is doing it because of their developmental stage and because their basic needs aren’t being met. It’s not deliberate and it’s not under their control. Being a dick about that as exactly as bigoted as behaving that way towards a disabled person who isn’t being accommodated either.

I’m physically disabled and neurodivergent. My adult brother is neurodivergent and learning disabled. I’ve seen a lifetime of people who hate kids hating disabled people too. Including too many privileged disabled people, frankly. There is absolutely such a thing as a clash of accessibility needs, but vocal hatred of other marginalised people, or being a dick to them, because their needs clash with yours is Not Okay.

I am also pro-old people for the exact same reasons I am pro-kid. Because they are all people, and marginalised people at that.

Childhood and old age are the times people living in economically-exploited classes experience the most poverty, because age, and the lack of capacity for economic exploitation that accompanies both old age and childhood, is a characteristic that people are marginalised for.

We live in a society here. We are communal creatures. We have a basic responsibility to be decent to other people, including people who are marginalised and dehumanised, and that includes kids and old people.

If you are organising, including kids and providing childcare is as essential as accessibility. If you don’t, you are literally entrenching the same power dynamics you claim to be organising against. This is a huge fucking problem on the left, and it’s one thing the second wave feminists got entirely right, despite all their other issues.

[gothmiqote]

dt spoilers kinda, varha/estinien stuff ofc ofc but it's msq plot related naturally :p

estinien being only Sort Of around for this expansion kills me lmao like he on the periphery and whatever it is he’s doing intersects with varha when it counts (fighting the cyberpunk army in the desert etc etc) he’s also just like. ostensibly doing who knows what the fuck between appearances?

after the events of ew those two were definitely around each other a Lot (seeing her friends disappear one by one like that will apparently lead to some nasty separation anxiety, who would have guessed) & getting on the separate boats to go west is probably the first meaningful amount of time they’ve been apart since. to a degree she’s like it’s fine I’ve got this handled, although I don’t uh. Think he told anyone Where he was going? so she probably knew he was going to be away for a bit but not how long exactly or even really where (which she actually is cool with for real, they’re both kinda Like That TM so it’s normal). So yes, she’s very much starting to feel the yearning & the pining & what have you by the time they randomly cross paths in the throne room again.

But thEN he just. Walks out? Just says some complimentary words and fucking Leaves? I like to think he’d end up stopping by her inn room or whatever later on but based on how he was for the entire expansion I don’t even know if he would actually stay the whole night 💀 which is frustrating for her but at this point nothing super weird. Or so she thinks anyway because some point after Krile pulls her aside and is like Hey is everyone cool? Like are you good? Because Varha considers her one of her closest friends & she likes to torment Estinien psychologically for sport she knows them pretty well. To which Varha is just ?? Of course we’re good why wouldn’t we be good? But it makes her think anyway. It does Not help that Wuk Lamat flat out asks if she knows who he is personally, because the greeting she got was apparently the kind you’d reserve for acquaintances.

By the time she’s on the mini road trip with Erenville she’s trying Very hard to not think about her relationship because she’s keenly aware of how good she is at making herself quietly spiral & twelve help her, they see him and he does it again. Says some weird shit to her and fucks off into the sunset. Shout out to Erenville for not commenting on the weird vibes that were absolutely happening here. & it’s at this point she’s also starting to get kind of upset for real? Tries to back track mentally between the moments of dealing with an active crisis and no, she doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong, he didn’t seem to like her any less when he left—but that doesn’t mean things don’t change, & for all she knows maybe he’s just decided that she’s become more trouble than it’s worth to know her intimately like that (she wouldn’t blame him, she’s aware of her baggage). What kind of send off is ‘go do what it is you do’? No ‘good luck, stay safe’ or anything even remotely close? She needs to be focused on current events so she makes herself tunnel visioned but it’s still on her mind.

Meanwhile this man decided after getting paid for keeping Wuk Lamat’s dad entertained he wanted to plan a little romantic wilderness excursion in Tural. It’s literally the exact opposite scenario she’s been dreading and picking up on, they both like ‘camping’ (for lack of a better term) & this is a new area to explore, he thinks it’s a great idea. And it is! A similar trip was the catalyst for the getting together in the Steppe, albeit that one was unplanned & nothing was official until after she got back from the first, but still. Unfortunately he’s just so singularly focused on this plan (he’s looking for some decent locations when they run into each other outside of the city) he’s legitimately unaware of how he’s coming off in the present. In his mind he’s just in a good mood, & will at some point let her know what he’s been quietly putting together for them. He just wants some sort of concrete plan in place before he stops being cagey. Like he’s just in a good headspace in a relationship he’s actually very happy in & that’s manifesting in ways that make sense for Him once you know what to look for. It’s like being around your crush, except you’ve been serious about each other for the better part of the last few years now & also you never really learned how to flirt ‘normally’ (I feel like Aymeric probably tried to help with this at some point in the distant past & eventually just gave up to let his weird friend be weird. Sometimes that’s as good as it gets) because you’ve never been much of an extrovert or particularly socially gifted, so it usually comes across either insanely awkward and/or painfully earnest when you do give it a shot. All that to say, he’s doing his best, it’s just filtered through his methods every single time.

And to be fair to him also, she’s competent as hell. He had zero reasons to think she’d need any more help with the contest stuff, his presence would 100% just be overkill. He’s not saying this because he feels like it’s objectively obvious. Unfortunately it is Not, she is fully not getting this impression from any of his actions & ultimately just ends up stewing quietly over it. Initially she’s annoyed but over time gets progressively more sad lmao. If you click on him before one of the few trials you can run with npcs he’s like “I saw a big lizard, I’m going to hunt it later” which is so very baffling to her. AGAIN no real commentary on her actual situation or that she might not come back through that portal. Run the lizard through a translator and he actually meant something to the effect of I know you’ll take care of this, so I’m not worried, & as soon as you do come back we’re going to grill that lizard meat for dinner. In HIS mind this is what’s coming out of his mouth in fewer words. She’s just tired lmfao.

Once everything is taken care of & there’s some downtime she’s finally able to pull him to the side and ask what his deal has been lately, has she done something without knowing, has she been pulling away unconsciously etc etc etc. His turn to be confused now. This legitimately only becomes a miscommunication issue because every single conversation got cut short until this one, which of course gives him ample time to explain what’s actually been happening & also no, he’s definitely not bored or unhappy or anything like that, he’s been enjoying the opportunity to try and orchestrate something nice for her (even if the execution wasn’t. The greatest) and honestly didn’t realize how it looked from the outside. He was very much talking her up at any given opportunity each time someone asked about her, to the point where it was inevitably deduced that his descriptions of the Warrior of Light were apparently a good deal more personal than other accounts. She’s effectively been on his mind in some capacity since he got here.

& She feels extra dumb for getting upset at all, because that’s actually incredibly sweet and it makes perfect sense when you lay it all out that way, in hindsight she didn’t need to get worked up and just feels weirdly guilty now. Varha has been in a small handful of situationships, she’s never actually been important enough to anyone for them to go out of their way for her like that (she’s never even really had friends up until recently, it’s all uncharted territory), she does not know how to properly interpret it when people just decide to do things for her because they like her. She reacts like an asshole (in her own opinion, literally no one else thought that she was anything aside from maybe a bit Off since she internalized everything so much). This does not make her feel particularly good either, she has unfortunately looped back around to kicking herself for missing the obvious.

& Estinien, being himself, is still not the best with words when it comes to this sort of thing. Because he knows he didn’t actually do anything wrong here, so he’s not experiencing misplaced guilt, but she’s clearly still upset on some level for misreading things and he doesn’t like that for her, especially when this conversation is almost definitely taking place on the sidelines of a post-battle celebration back in the city. He’s not coming up with anything directly helpful to the situation. He’s task-oriented, hardwired to look for solutions. The one he comes up with on the spot here is:

“Do you want to hunt the lizard together?”

Long pause. Yes, she does. She wants to hunt the big lizard together very much. It sounds like a good way to kick off a small wilderness excursion together. The big lizard does not fix her pre-existing self worth problems, but it’s definitely effective for the immediate situation (which is about the best he can hope for right now). Problem solved-ish, she seems happier & now they can bond over the big lizard hunt together. He’d honestly just be pleased to spend time together doing whatever but this is probably the best outcome of that whole situation. (Also he Does end up kissing her right there, partly to get people to stop pestering her with questions but mostly because he wants to.)

[icedragonlizard]

Kirby AU talk: "Memories Still At A Halt"

Susie stumbles upon an active clockwork star that then invites her to make any wish that it'll be more than willing to grant.

This was by complete accident. She didn't at all plan on activating a clockwork star. She was just taking a vacation on Planet Popstar, and when she ended her vacation and flew across the cosmos on her way home to the Haltmann Work Company's headquarters, this clockwork star seemingly comes out of nowhere.

Susie would've never expected this to happen in a million years. She's completely astonished and bewildered by this occasion.

She didn't do anything to summon it. She didn't gather star power Milky Way Wishes style to activate it... she doesn't even know that's how to summon a clockwork star. It just miraculously appeared right in front of her. It was the absolute last thing that she was expecting.

READY. ->

I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH... ->

OK. -> 3... 2... 1... GO! ->

Susie is initially a bit reluctant, but she then decides to make a wish.

It was someone else that gathered the star power to activate that clockwork star. Susie is, technically, stealing someone's wish. This was obviously unplanned and not done out of any sort of malice, but she's technically stealing someone's wish LOL.

The person that summoned it is likely going to be fuming mad, but it's an unknown person that will pretty much never cross paths with Susie. What a big L for them.

At first, Susie is unsure what it is she wants to make a wish for. She still takes about a minute to fully fathom the situation at hand, as her bewilderment isn't very quick to fade.

But she eventually thinks it up. She's made the decision on what she wants her wish to be. She decides that it's at least worth a try.

"I wish for Max Profitt Haltmann to be brought back to life!"

There's a huge amount of nervousness behind her wish. Deep down, she fears that it may go horribly wrong, but she still takes up the chance to finally be potentially able to fix things with her father.

The clockwork star grants her wish. It revives Max Haltmann.

At first, he's comatose. Susie gently grabs him with her mech's arms, and then carries him with her as she makes her way back home.

When he finally wakes up after they get home, he...

.... He still doesn't recognize her as his daughter.

This is why she was nervous while making that wish.

And it still makes her feel incredibly disheartened.

It also appears that he had no ghost in the afterlife and merely popped back into existence in his perspective after the clockwork star brought him back. And the last thing he remembers is Susie having stolen the Star Dream helmet from him when he tried to use it.

This comes off to an absolutely horrible start. After Max Haltmann processes the fact that he was dead and was then brought back, he then snaps at Susie and calls her an "insolent traitor" for getting him killed in the first place. She immediately swears that she never intended to kill him and she was just trying to get him to come to his senses, because Star Dream caused him to go off the deep end.

But he doesn't listen. In fact, he doubles down on his anger towards her. He complains about the "lack of infinite prosperity" because Susie reworked the HWC's practices and policies, as the company is no longer mechanizing planets. He accuses her of being a complete embarrassment that "ruined everything" about the HWC and "turned it into a shell of its former self". He's extremely harsh and rude to her.

Susie doesn't take it sitting down, though. Previously, she'd capitulate and yield to his demands, but now it's different. She now refuses to yield to him when he makes his vehement exclamations. She stands her ground and fights back against every single smear he flings.

The HWC can't even mechanize planets without Star Dream's presence anyways. Susie rebuilt the HWC without it. And she's refused to build another machine like Star Dream to make that possible again because she didn't want to deal with the risks that it'd bring. Plus, she's now friends with Kirby and wants to stay on his good side.

Initially, despite having internal anger at how rude and grating his voice is during his exclamations, she tries to be as calm as possible when she makes her counterarguments. But she eventually loses her cool as he then says something that's especially vile and disgusting.

.... He straight up calls her a wild savage at one point.

That right there caused her to lash out and attack. Immediately after he called her that, she then punches him in the face. There was more than enough strength behind that punch to knock him onto the floor.

Susie asserts her power over him as she's the current CEO of the company, and she has absolutely no interest in giving that up. It's so much easier for her to fight back now as he's not in a position of power to mistreat her. And he can't take back the CEO position because every employee in the company thinks Susie is a much better boss than he ever was. He will need to bend to her now.

Fortunately, things get better after that atrocity of an introduction. Max Haltmann eventually gets some sense knocked into him as Susie is able to convince him that Star Dream was a bad influence and that the company is in a much better place with her practices instead of the ones that were in place from before. He apologizes for being so vile to her as he comes to accepts the HWC's new practices.

... But he's still entirely unable to recognize her as his daughter.

This continues to distress Susie on the inside. It reopens old wounds for her. But at least she doesn't have to steal a supercomputer for him to get him to look her way. At least it's easier to reign him in.

At one point, she tries to explain everything to him. About how he's supposed to be her father, that she was trapped in Another Dimension for a long time and eventually came back, and she deduces that Star Dream tampered with his memories somehow. That the machine somehow caused him to forget about her. She doesn't know that he was trying to use Star Dream to bring her back, however.

How does Max Haltmann react to the revelations? It's... sadly not what Susie was hoping for. He's initially in utter disbelief. Although he does slowly come to understand that it "might" be the truth, but he's still incredibly reluctant to treat her like his daughter because he still legitimately can't recall ever having a daughter at all to begin with.

It's clear that he still doesn't actively remember.

He does become a lot nicer to her after the revelation, but she's still unsatisfied. Especially when he's still not willing to accept hugs from her yet. He awkwardly pats her back to try to comfort her when he catches her being sad, but he clearly still doesn't act like her dad yet.

When Susie left Another Dimension, the first thing she wanted was to hug her dad. She still doesn't get that even now. It makes her feel heartbroken. And it also makes her feel awful for him as she's increasingly convinced that Star Dream stole his memories. Even as he gradually becomes nicer, he's still stubborn, easily confused, clumsy and easy to lose focus. It saddens her to see it.

She takes care of him. She's his caretaker. She gets her employees to work on necessary treatments for his health problems. With how much he's struggling, she's pretty much having to babysit him. Imagine a young woman babysitting her own father. That's lowkey what's happening here.

She puts a lot of time and effort in taking care of him.

But he just... seemingly doesn't reach the line. They're able to have a good relationship, but he's still unwilling every time she tries to lightly gesture for a hug. He seems to view her more as a friend much younger than him than as his daughter. That's... not what she wants.

Susie tries to keep it to a minimum around Max, but she's internally depressed over this. She finds herself weeping at times when she's alone, worrying he's never going to remember her as his daughter.

She vents this to her friends, mostly Taranza and the Mage Sisters. There are also Magolor, Marx and Kirby as friends for her to occasionally vent to, but it's mostly Taranza and the Mages that she talks to about this. Her father is back and alive again, and she's still having to get hugs from her friends because her senile father is still not willing to accept hugs from her. It makes her friends really sad, especially when they meet her dad in person and see it for themselves that he's still not acting like a real dad to her.

The Mage Sisters, alongside their patriarch Hyness, especially feel terrible at this. Even when Hyness was in his bad phase of madness, he never forgot his daughters entirely. It made him feel bad for Susie for still not being recognized by her dad, and it also made him feel bad for Haltmann as he agrees with Susie's claim that Star Dream wiped his memories, as he was able to deduce that's what happened.

Magolor and Marx were the first ones to see Haltmann brought back when they visited the HWC's headquarters not long after Susie brought him back. But they... didn't exactly have great introductions with him.

Most of Susie's friends try to comfort her and tell her that at least her dad is still alive again, and they're proud of her for at least being able to make amends with him at all even if he can't wholly remember. They all admit they can't be sure whether or not he'll ever come around to truly remember, but they tell her to not give up. She doesn't give up, although it's still internally hurting for her.

There are moments where it seems like he's so close to finally remembering, with the more recent kind-hearted interactions that the two have. But sadly, he just doesn't ever seem to get there. She is at least happy to see him being nice to her and that they're able to get along perfectly well, but it's just... not enough. She wants more.

It's probably greedy on her behalf, but he's supposed to be her father.

Is it possible him to ever remember her? He does come to "understand" that he "might" be, but he doesn't take it too seriously. At least for a long while. It still truthfully doesn't sit that right for him.

Will he ever remember?

-----

Thank you so much if you've taken the time to read the synopsis for this AU! This is yet another Kirby AU that I've had in my mind for a bit.

It's also funny because... don't I literally have another AU where Max Haltmann gets brought back? That I literally wrote into fanfiction? "Lost Miracles That Finally Become"? Indeed! But that one's completely different. In that one, Haltmann gets brought back alongside Sectonia, as they both come back in their right minds.

But in this AU, it's different. Haltmann is brought back not in his right mind. At the beginning, his mindset is exactly the same as he was at the time of his death in Planet Robobot, and while he does become nicer to Susie over time, he doesn't ever truly get to remember her as his daughter like she hoped, much to her grief and disheartenment.

I'd like to point out that I normally headcanon Haltmann having a ghost, despite seemingly having been erased from existence. I just like having that as a headcanon so he can feel grief and misery by watching over Susie without being able to interact with her. But this AU fully goes through with the "erased from existence" thing, as it mentions that he had no ghost and just popped back into existence after the clockwork star grants Susie's wish to bring him back to life.

Allow me to link another Kirby AU that I made a synopsis for; Dark Stormy Matters, a story where Kracko goes off the deep end and makes a wish to a clockwork star to revive Dark Matter and then fuses with it to cause wide-scale destruction. Unfortunately, it seems like that post is not viewable in its respective tags when clicking on them and looking at the recent ones! I don't understand that at all. That's partially why I'm linking it here so it hopefully gets seen more.

But anyways... thank you for reading! See you all later.

[little-tyrant-gortash]

Oathbreaker

Pairing: fem!Tav x Enver Gortash, fem!Tav/Astarion

Tags: Emotional Manipulation, Manipulation, Manipulative Relationship, Paladin Tav (Baldur's Gate), Vaginal Sex, Penis In Vagina Sex, Drunk Sex, Unrequited Love, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Scars, Blood and Injury, Injury, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Torture, Psychological Torture, Implied/Referenced Torture

Word count: 2,171

Ao3 here.

Chapter 1.

Chapter 2.

Chapter 3.

Chapter 4.

Chapter 5.

Chapter 6.

Chapter 7.

Chapter 8.

Chapter 9.

Chapter 10.

Chapter 11.

Chapter 12.

Chapter 13.

Chapter 14.

Chapter 15.

Chapter 16. ⬇

Chapter 17.

Chapter 16: Strike Two

Things could've been better.

Between trying to solve the murder in the Temple of Ilmater, the fights within her camp and the meetings with Gortash, she realised she had a problem, a rather huge one, at that: she didn't want most of this anymore.

There had been nights when she couldn't visit Gortash, and those nights took a toll on both of them. Tav couldn't sleep in the camp ever since Astarion left, and Gortash feared Orin would walk in his palace with Tav's head in her hand. She was staring at the ceiling of her tent all night while he was watching her through the slate as he was tinkering in his workshop; she'd always kept the Reaper's Embrace close to herself at night, at least, so he could've sent reinforcements if there was an ambush.

Worry made them desperate for each other every time they've met.

But the lack of sleep still wasn't the worst of it all for her. The worst of it was that when Wyll learned that she was way too close to Gortash to his liking, he started a verbal fight. A fight she didn't want to have.

"That man", Wyll pointed at Wyrm's Rock Fortress's general direction, "is responsible for the tadpole in my father's skull! In our skulls, too! He's responsible for making Baldur's Gate vulnerable! How could you do this to us? To all of the city?!"

Tav dropped her shoulders, defeated. She could thank her very life to the armour Gortash altered that day, as they've crossed paths with a few shape shifters, and she'd spent every waking hour wishing she needn't to be out there, seeking that damned woman, blundering in the dark for clues. She was rapidly getting fed up with everything that happened to her so far, and frankly, being an Oathbreaker and slowly making her peace with it was making it all worse.

…or better?

"I don't expect you to understand anything that goes on between me and Gortash", she said finally, her voice unusually cold. "But I assure you that my alliance with him has been nothing but a benefit to us."

"How so?" Wyll demanded, and when she didn't reply, he shook his head with a scoff. "You're not the woman I've once knew. You'd never deal with shady men like him. He reeks of darkness."

"Perhaps darkness is exactly what I need", Tav tilted her head. "Perhaps that could make me stronger."

"You don't need to be stronger, Tav, because you're strong already! You just need to listen to your friends who worry about you, who care about you, and believe me when I say:  you don't want to get mixed up with that man!"

Funny. None of them said a single fucking word when they've learned she allowed Astarion to bite her. When she allowed him to toy with her, to make her fall in love with him through manipulation. When he was actively weaponizing her desires for him and tried to manipulate her to do what he wanted her to do. When she allowed him to ascend. They hadn't said a single word when he… when he…

"I've had it worse."

"If you're hinting at As-"

Wyll cut off the moment he saw the flash in Tav's eyes. The change was instant in her demeanor. She still wasn't ready to talk about him, and everyone at camp had doubts she ever will be.

"Don't you dare to say that name out loud", she warned him, and Wyll shifted backwards, his face scrunching up with shame and hurt. "If it bothers you that I'm working with Gortash, then leave my camp. I have no use of you, anyway; all you do is complain and whine and get on my nerves."

"Tav-"

She knew Gale was behind her the moment he addressed her, but she didn't look back at him.

"So, what will it be, Blade of the Frontiers?" She crossed her arms in front of herself, staring at Wyll with a look that told him she was ready to bite at any moment. "Will you stay out of my business or will you finally relieve us of your annoying attitude?"

Wyll stared at her for a long time before he looked away. After all she'd done for him – accepting him as he was, even after becoming a devil –, he knew he wouldn't be able to leave her in fear that she might get killed. And if he left… maybe he'd never get the cure for his own tadpole. Tav was the closest to the solution, and maybe, just maybe, Gortash could help them remove it. Who knew; he already helped Karlach, no matter how strange the deed was in Wyll's eyes. He'd dealt with people like Gortash before, and he always expected the worse from his type. But, if it came to that… he'd try and keep her safe from him, before it was too late.

"I'm staying", he decided quietly.

"Good. Then shut up and leave me to my devices. I know what I'm doing."

At Wyrm's Rock Fortress, Gortash smiled down at the slate that let him see Wyll's beaten puppy expression. Whatever happened between Tav and the person everyone tried to mention to her was interesting; it made him curious, he wondered what was that story she didn't want to revisit. But to hear it with his own ears that perhaps she needed his darkness in her life… that if she had to choose between the Blade of Frontiers or him, she'd choose him…

That made his day wonderful.

Which was why he was thinking about celebrating it at the end of that tenday. That was the third tenday they've started their relationship; on that day, thirty days earlier, both of them thought that it'd be just one night. Turns out, they both wanted so much more from each other, and Gortash had to admit it to himself that he really meant it when he proposed to her.

That'd be the proposal she wouldn't be able to turn down. In time, she'd say yes, and he'd have her on his side, permanently. All else will fall into place and then, he'd rule it all with her. Easy.

She presented herself, looking utterly exhausted, that evening. Gortash carefully chose the meals for that night; he'd told his servants what to prepare, knowing exactly which foods and drinks were her favourite. Warm chicken soup, for example; not hot, but warm. Thin slices of well-done steaks, mashed potatoes, grilled vegetables, sweet wines – all in her favour, to get her well fed and comfortable.

They ate in almost complete silence. He could tell she wasn't really there, but he let it go for now, in hopes that she would ease up and focus on the present.

Little did he know what happened that day. A shape shifter infiltrated her camp in his image, and upon learning that it wasn't the Gortash she knew, she had to eleminate them. It didn't make things look nice that she had to smash that face in with the Blood of Lathander.

She shivered. She had to tell him about this and the looming threat of Astarion. He must know that those shape shifters weren't the worst that could happen to both of them.

"How was your day?" She asked softly after she looked at him before she sipped her wine.

"Oh, you know, just the usual", he leaned back with a sigh and grabbed his own goblet to drink from it. "Busy as always."

Tav stared at him for a few long seconds.

"When the light meets the dark", she murmured quietly.

Enver looked deeply in her eyes, and smiled.

"The Absolute is the ark."

That was the moment when she finally relaxed her shoulders and closed her eyes, tilting her head back against the chair's headrest with a sigh. Saying one of the catchphrases they've agreed upon let him know that she'd ran into trouble earlier that day.

"Orin?" He asked.

"No. One of her lackeys."

"Did they hurt you?"

"No. I bashed their head in."

"Good."

Tav's throat tightened. Her voice became funny when she spoke again.

"They were wearing your face when I did it."

Enver wasn't sure how to respond to that, so he stayed quiet. She still didn't look at him, just pressed her lips together in an attempt to keep herself from crying.

"Our plan has a major flaw, Enver."

"And what that might be?"

"You'll die."

So much for his plans for tonight. He could've planned and schemed to get what he wanted if Orin obliterated it without her actually lifting a gods damned finger. Gortash closed his eyes for a moment and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"As all of us one day", he replied at last, glancing at her, realising she'd been staring at him with a look unknown to him. "You needn't worry about that right now. I am well guarded."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Tav, I have the Fist at my fingertips, along with my Steel Watchers and countless infected who will defend the one who gives them instructions." Alright, fine. If they were talking about their own vulnerabilities, he'd unveil one of his own. "If anyone is in danger, it is you."

"I have my friends who have my back", she waved him off like it was nothing.

"Is that so? Then how could that shape shifter get so close to you?" When she couldn't answer him, he tilted his head slightly. "Tav… be with me. Stay with me."

"You've given me the mission to get rid of Orin."

"Maybe I've changed my mind."

"Nobody would do a good job when it comes to her. She'd gut anyone else we'd send after her. No, I have to do it. I agree with you on that."

"Nevertheless." He ignored his racing heart. "Marry me."

Tav settled her goblet down. Maybe a bit harder than she intended. It wasn't about just Orin, but the timing wasn't right to mention and talk about Astarion either after Gortash proposed again. May the gods damn it all.

"Not yet", she snapped, annoyed, "we've just talked about how dangerous this all is."

"All the more reason, then. Perhaps it's a distraction what we need to get close to her – or to lure her closer to us."

Tav stared at him with a look that made him realise that perhaps he said the wrong words. She stood up.

"Thank you for the dinner, it was delicious", she concluded.

"Tav", he called out after her when she started to walk away. When he saw she wouldn't stop, he shot to his feet and hurried after her. "Come on", he grabbed her arm and pulled her back to himself. "Don't be like this."

"It's easy for you!" That was when he saw she was crying.

"Tav…"

"I'm just another plaything for you, isn't that right? Someone you can use until you get bored of me- you'll have countless others to entertain you anyway-"

"What the Hells are you talking about?" He grabbed her upper arms and pulled her closer to himself. "Do you think I'm trying to persuade you to live with me because I think of you as a toy? How can you think I'd ever get bored of you? Do you have any idea what the rest of the world means to me if you're with me?" She shook her head to every question and tried to pull away, sobbing, but he didn't let her leave. "The entire world can burn for all I care. I just want you."

It was true.

It hit him in that moment, so hard that it hurt. It caused him physical pain in his chest. The usual feeling of fear remained as far away as always; he couldn't get frightened from anything, not while he had his heavily enchanted attire on himself. But he couldn't keep the anxiety at bay. He couldn't keep the more subtle feelings away. She grabbed his shirt and buried her face in his chest, and he held her close to himself.

"Alright… let's stop talking about this for now", he rested his chin on top of her head, holding her close. He gently rubbed her back, his hands rubbing up and down to calm her down, to ground her. When she could get her crying under control, he placed a soft kiss on the top of her head. "There'll be a small ball for the nobles and patriarchs of Baldur's Gate tomorrow. I'd like you to be there with me."

"Can I say no?" She murmured in his chest, making him smile.

"No", he replied firmly.

Tav groaned.

"Fine."

"Spend the day with me tomorrow."

Tav wrapped her arms around him and held him close.

"Alright."

"You're not asking if you can say no?" Gortash chuckled quietly.

"If I can be with you, and you only", she murmured in his chest, "I wouldn't want to tell you no."

[cowboyhorsegirl]

Hey hey can you give me any mcu stevetony fic recs pls because the one you recommended last time was so <33333 you have good taste

omg yes of course!! these are just what i found from doing a quick search through my bookmarks, they're all canon-compliant/canon-plausible, & they're listed in no particular order :)

with each downpour we discover what it takes by @the-faultofdaedalus (T, 1k)

Tony's turned into a mer-person. It's a bad time for all involved. (Turns out, being underwater is not at all fun for him, even if that's the only way he can breathe)

i'll be by your side (when you cry, cry, cry). by frostfall (T, 2.5k)

The first thing he notices when he wakes is there’s a ring on Tony’s ring finger. There's a fucking ring on Tony's ring finger. Oh, Steve thinks numbly. I missed my chance. Again. With that thought in mind, he bursts into tears. (In which Steve goes through a rollercoaster of emotions and thoughts, Tony tries to comfort, and Sam finds the whole thing both frustrating and hilarious.)

an appalling lack of boundaries by @areiton (M, <1k)

The first thing Steve learns about Tony is that he has an appalling lack of boundaries. Everything good that happens to him, he tells Rhodey.

cuts much deeper than they seem by @robertdowneyjjr (T, <1k)

It’s been three months since the so-called superhero civil war, and Natasha’s tired of Steve skirting around Tony’s name when she misses her friend too.

The Last Love Song of Anthony E. Stark by jibrailis (M, 40k)

After contracting an Asgardian virus, Tony starts forgetting things. And people. And Steve.

The Buzzfeed Listiverse by @gogglor (T/M, 66k total)

Tony and Steve can't stand each other, but they agree for the sake of the team and the people that rely on them that they have to figure out a way to get along. So they come up with a plan to spend time together, in the form of a Buzzfeed listicle of things to do in New York City. Because if you go to enough museums with the guy you can't stand, you should *eventually* stop hating him, right?

Five Days a Week by @festiveferret (M, 6.6k)

The day after Pepper's funeral - after Rhodey has come and gone, after Natasha has come and gone, after Tony has forcibly sent Happy away - Tony looks out of the front window, Morgan snoozing in the crook of one arm, and sees a dark, heavily-tinted car in the driveway.

Don't Look too Closely (all the angles are oblique) by shaenie (E, 162k total)

“I’m removing Captain Rogers from this base, but not from active duty. I want him as SHIELD’s liaison to Stark Industries first and foremost. He’ll report directly to me,” Fury says. “As it is, your identity as Captain America is not public knowledge and it will remain that way until I say otherwise. That said, if you think you can get Tony Stark to work with you if you disclose that information, you have permission to do so.”

love the sin, love the sinner by @silkspectred (E, 10.5k)

It keeps happening. Not often, just once or twice a month, but it keeps happening. Always in the same way: it’s unplanned, sudden, unexpected, Steve is surprised and eager, his dick goes from zero to one hundred in two seconds, Tony’s touch is electric, everything he does drives Steve crazy, but he never lets Steve kiss him, he very rarely looks Steve in the eye, he never talks, never makes a sound when he comes, never mentions it later.

It's Only Sex by madeitsimple (E, 2.3k)

Sure, he’s a little out of practice, but casual sex is like riding a bike as far as Tony’s concerned. Once you get good at it, it never really leaves you.

rough enough for love by @silkspectred (E, 14.5k)

The first time they had sex was right after their first kiss. Steve dropped to his knees and then Tony reciprocated after making Steve lie down on the bed. The second time it was Steve that initiated it, slow handjobs under the hot spray of the shower, and Tony looked surprised by it. Like it was weird that Steve wanted it. Wanted him.

Clean Slate Protocol 2.0 by @no-gorms (E, 8.2k)

Preparations for the time heist marks the first time in years that Tony has spent any significant amount of time with Steve under the same roof. With the olive branch offered and taken, everything’s going well between them. Very well, actually. Better than it’s ever been. Tony's trying not to think about that too closely.

Avalon Protocol by avenjel (Not Rated, 6.2k)

Tony Stark may be replaceable, but Iron Man—the world needs Iron Man. That's the main reason why he creates the AVALON protocol one night, sitting alone in the Compound and nursing a bottle of whiskey and thinking, How can I be better, I have to be better. It's a protocol that prioritizes his teammates over himself, a verbal command for FRIDAY to operate the suit in the event that he is unable. It's a protocol that will finish the battle even if he's bleeding out or already dead.

shelter from the storm by @silkspectred (M, 5.2k)

Tony adopts a baby. Guess who's Majorly Fucked Up™ about it.

Five Seconds by @elcorhamletlive (Not Rated, 3.1k)

From the moment Steve suits up, he knows what he’ll do.

and just for posterity's sake, i'll include my original rec to you too

Semaphore by DevilDoll (E, 40k)

"I’m trying to like you, Tony. You’re just making it very hard."

[booniesoil]

Psychonauts 2 music theory

I am presenting my theory on the music in Psychonauts 2 Music. I have a theory on the music in the soundtrack of Psychonauts 2. The genre of the music that appears in locations, levels, minds, and battles in Psychonauts 2 (and Psychonauts to some soundtracks) pertains to specifically one of three derivations of the character or setting (which can allow us to derive information about characters from the music genre that isn't explicit in the game). To start, the reason I believe this is mostly unique to Psychonauts 2 is the fact that, in the original game, the soundtrack is simply not easily categorized by genre. And, while diverse in sound, all the music in the original game is more or less similar in genre and style. While some soundtracks clearly pertain to the setting it's played in (for example, the campgrounds music, or the extra orchestral music in Gloria's theatre, which can applied in this theory), some soundtracks play more into the feel of the battle or level rather than the potential history or sentimentality of a genre (for example, in the tank battles, Sasha's shooting gallery, or the brain tumbler experiment). This is unlike in Psychonauts 2, where each track can be very easily identifiable in genre, time period, and style. I think music in each level of Psychonauts 2 pertains to the character to which the level belongs in through the character or setting's history, prior exposure to the music genre, or sentimentality towards the music.

I think music in each level of Psychonauts 2 pertains to the character to whom it belongs through: the character or setting's history, prior exposure to the music genre, or sentimentality towards the music genre. Listing through these three ideas:

History: I believe the music present in Loboto's Labyrinth draws inspiration from popular music from the 1940s. Whether Dr. Loboto was interested in the style of music or not, he was probably exposed to the style of music in his past growing, even if this timely music transcended time (he wasn't raised in the 40's, although he probably has). The music present in the Questionable Area is reminiscent of the original Psychonauts' campgrounds music. This doesn't go deep, but this can relate to the facade the Questionable Area was put under as a harmless campground. Character's prior exposure: In the game, I believe a style of music can relate to a highly stylized mental setting (in this context, this mean this mental setting is highly based on an existing setting with a lot of connotations, I will use the casino as an example) if it's fitting, but only if the character has had exposure in the past to the style of music. As an example, Hollis might not have been exactly listening to casino music (for lack of a better term, if not the jazz genre), but you could imagine she's experienced the style in her past if she's ever been in a casino and remembers it. In the game's plot, through her sudden unplanned connection to casinos, this music she has only passingly heard in the past resurges and comes to represent her mental scape without a deep personal connection to the style. The same could be said for Comton. He was probably not actively listening to cheesy gameshow music, but had only experienced it (this is corroborated by the IGN interview on Compton's Cookoff, where the staff said they styled his mind after a 60's game show, because that's what he would have watched growing up) in his past. When Comton's Cookoff became a thing, he used his memory of this style of music to represent Ram it Down.

And lastly, Character Sentimentality: Probably the most important connection. This presence of music within this meaning to characters was also present in the original Psychonauts with certain levels (e.x. Gloria's theatre, Basic braining, Meat Circus). A character has a genre or style of music that is sentimental to themselves, or represent themselves in their mind, and so gets used to represent their mental world. This is present in many levels including Psi King's Sensorium, where you can infer Psi King's past as a music performer from the music. (Fun fact the music in Psi King's Sensorium runs in 4/5!). Sentimentality is also clearly present in Fatherland Follies, where Gristol grows attached to the song he's created and is the soundtrack to his mind. I theorize that the 40's music present in Loboto's labyrinth gets used out of sentimentality. Since the music only fits the theme of his mind semi vaguely, not as strongly as the hospital casino or game show, I believe he is sentimental to the genre from growing up on it.

Post-theory additional information on the application of this theory: this theory can be applied to most soundtracks in Psychonauts 2, but some songs in the game may not have any of these meanings, and can be there just to set the mood. Like in Ford's follicles, or the backstage music in Fatherland Follies, which just sets a "dark, cautious" feel. I also think that you could append these meanings to some of the original Psychonauts soundtrack, but less across the board than Psychonauts, such as in Oleander's themes, the Meat Circus most obviously, and in Milla's Dance party, but I don't find I can derive as much information from the characters from those than from Psychonauts 2. In Psychonauts, for a character like Linda to have the Lungfishopolis music in her level could attest to the fact that it's less applicable or accurate to the original Psychonauts, as a fish she might not have been exposed to a lot of music (what a quote), although in her memory vault she has been seen watching tv. Actually, If Linda's mental world possibly is a mix of her and Oleander's mental scape, it can show that how Oleander at the time viewed himself in the context of Lungfishopolis and his feelings of grandeur.

This theory is important not because "look the music in Psychonauts 2 says something," but specifically, the ability to append where the music comes from for a character could allow you to learn something about the character that isn't explicit in the game, like I did for Loboto's Labyrinth in this post, if you properly infer which of the three meanings the music for a mental world is derived from.

I use this theory to provide evidence in another theory I wrote: Compton Boole Personality theory. PLEASE CHECK IT OUT IT MEANS A LOT TO ME I seriously believe this theory.

Compton Boole Personality Theory:

Thank you VERY much for reading, I think the beginning made the post come across as potentially boring, I tried to shorten or help that, but the contents of this theory are pretty thrilling to me, especially in the context of Compton Boole personality theory.

[red-dyed-sarumane]

the official eng titles of magu songs make me so mad esp bc like. Technically theres nothing wrong with them & theres nothing i can do about it. but knowing the complexity in the jpn titles makes me so fucking feral.

the jpn titles follow certain trends a lot as well as often add certain context to the song thats not super obvious from the rest of it.

two most common trends are the 5 kanji songs which. okay yeah thats hard to replicate in eng bc if u want to keep the meaning u'd be hard pressed to find words with the same amount of letters across all relevant songs. the other is repeating first letters re: ma in marshall maximizer or a in unplanned apoptosis. again, cant do much about that when the words just dont work together in eng the same way. fine. i get that.

i start getting into problems specifically with aru sekai series main songs as the jpn titles intentionally start with the same kanji as lines from aru sekai shoushitsu. like. the amount of emphasis on kyuu in kyuuyaku hankagai to link back to the lines starting with kyuu in aru sekai shoushitsu is part of how i could tell it was a series. its something they actively use in their storytelling. pulling this off in eng is actively harder but not impossible. assuming the same translator or group is working on it its possible to work translations that will be obvious links like they are in jpn. using the same example rather than having kyuu be "past" directly u could have it as "old" if ur going to make the title of kyuuyaku use the phrase old testament. ou for oumen is pretty straightforward shuu is where its a little rocky. putting shuu as death isnt quite right but maybe stealing demise from shuuen, while also not exact, is maybe more forgiving in context. i think u get my point here now. (my one exception is kugutsu ashura just having ashura as the eng title. i still dont agree but hiimagus said if u dont know how to read kugutsu u can just call the song ashura. its funny so i can overlook it. in this area at least)

but then we get to the lack of context. esp the 5 kanji titles giving extra info that might not be there otherwise. kyuuyaku hankagai isnt just a link back to the kyuu lines. kyuuyaku being old testament we know theres some religious ties that might not be so obvious if u 1) dont read the intro text 2) are aware most of the lyrics are technical in nature in a sciencey way and 3) dont know oumen mokushiroku & kugutsu ashura are related. hanka being written as generalization lends itself more to the technical aspects of the song where gai we know we're talking about a specific town or at least area of a bigger town/city and not just a super specific building or location. additionally hankagai is also a play on a word said the same way meaning like business or shopping district for example. again leaning into that concept of it being in a wider but specific area. and yet the eng is just testament. which, at the very most, is telling me the song is this character's perception of the events. which is obvious when the lyrics are so subjective anyway.

next is shuuen touhikou. flight from demise, demise escape, whatever u want to call it theres how many translations of it. from the lyrics its so very obvious theyre running. to or from something, theyre hitting the bricks. okay sure thats not really new context. & just like the other songs the tones pretty dire & u can tell the stakes are pretty high. but to have it so blatantly in front of u telling u that this character is up again their own death and they dont want that so theyre running from it. thats a pretty powerful statement that really drives home a lot of the points in the song. and instead of that, the eng title is blade. nothing to do with the og title just a reference to the lyrics so its not entirely unfounded theres definitely swords brought up and used in the song, the charas even drawn with one. but as an eng speaker seeing a song called blade i expect it to be more about say courage or fighting for something. its a cool title but this one especially feels misplaced and misleading to me. knowing the lyrics, the swords are accessories to the story not the main focus and yet the eng title is blade. hate it.

oumen mokushiroku is almost acceptable to me since concave really only links back to it being related to aru sekai series i dont really have anything profound to say about this word choice in particular. maybe it gives that feeling that everything's collapsing in on itself, which fits the theme and lyrics, but i'll be honest with u i could miss that and im obsessed with these songs so i wont make a big deal about it. that leaves mokushiroku being revelation which ties both into the fact the character's an angel & enforces the old testament part of kyuuyaku so we can accept theres biblical/religious themes going on here even if the stories main focus seems to be a science aspects. its eng title is apocalypse. this is the only eng title i can accept not bc im biased to the character & song but because in aru sekai shoushitsu theres a line where the kanji is written as mokushiroku but its pronounced as apocalypse. so in this case this one actually is a very solid link back to the og song, proof of it being in the series as well as being a very accurate description of what the characters are experiencing. they really are at the end of the world. i cant argue against this one hiimagu thought this one through.

which leaves kugutsu ashura and as funny as it just being called ashura is it misses out on just a little tiny bit of context here. its these two very different words describing a state of something thats very similar to drive home the state of the song & character. which is VERY helpful given the song is. well. tongue twister wall of words difficult to get the implied meaning out of. ashura may not have the most control of themselves but then to add the context of a puppet, to be clearly saying there's no control over her own actions its all to someone or something else's will. that does add some context and weight to the story. but ashura by itself is funny for reasons i explained so im looking the other way.

[inghrafn]

Every month, our employer issues a "system news" document which we're supposed to read from start to finish. That's how we discovered an odd item: a mysterious training scheduled to take place at our branch. No title, no topic, no named presenter. A total brick wall.

Our supervisors could tell us very little other than that attendance was mandatory. The lack of further information made them uneasy. It's one thing to withhold confidential details from the rank-and-file. But from management? Unheard-of.

To thicken the plot, something extraordinary was taking place within the branch calendar. To make room for the Unknown Seminar, every program, meeting, and class booked for that date had been hastily canceled. Events that had been months in the making, speaker's fees already processed, budgets already spent... poof. All for a single training, and not even a full-day one at that.

And ultimately, that was what gave the game away.

According to the plan approved by the commission, our branch would open for a few hours, then close to the public and remain closed through the afternoon, and then open again for the last few hours of the business day. Now, while we might have early closings, late openings, or even full-day/full-system closures for (planned) staff symposiums or (unplanned) weather events, the only reason to close ONE branch during the MIDDLE of the day is for an emergency evacuation.

Holy shit, I thought. I bet it’s an active shooter simulation.

Here I need to stop and say this. I think that our administrative team means well. But they work within a literal security enclosure, and that definitely influences how we customer service employees view their safety as opposed to ours. We're out on the floor, fully accessible to a public which often presents us with disruptive, illicit, abusive, combative, menacing, and occasionally violent behavior. At every crisis-situation training we take, we are told "Run, hide or fight". The implicit message is "You're on your own." We try our best to keep it together and provide excellent service. But our workplace is filled with employees struggling with massive anxiety, trauma, job burnout, and chronic stress-induced illness. Do we really need a live drill on top of that, complete with local cops tricked out in riot gear wandering around our workplace?

All of this is precisely what I told my department head. I asked her to please, PLEASE advocate on our behalf and impress it upon administration that such a drill would NOT be in their staff's best interest-- in fact, it would be a cruel breach of trust.

It already was. Upper management began to circulate a new version of the plan which I learned from a good friend who happens to also be a supervisor. One day, she openly agreed with my suspicions. The next day, she flagged me down and told me the following. I need you to know that a county agency that I am not allowed to name has requested our facility for their own training. During that time, all staff will stay in the building and work at their desks. They will not be participating in this training in any way. That is all I can say about it. But while saying all this (in a weirdly stilted manner, as if reading off an index card), she stared at me pointedly as if to say, You and I know this is bullshit, but play along, okay?

As it turns out, it WAS bullshit, and EVERYONE knew it. Eventually HR sent out a sheepish email admitting that the county agency booked to use the facilities was in fact the SWAT Team, and they would be enacting live exercises that might be potentially "triggering". As a result, ALL staff would be sent home-- but if you thought you could handle it, SWAT could use some civilian volunteers to take part in the drills...

So there it is. We called shenanigans. Our supervisors did the right thing and took our (and their) concerns up the ladder. Upper management reconsidered and modified the plan. But I do not feel better. Knowing that they were willing to lie - and to direct others to lie - to keep a lid on their real purpose is flat-out disturbing.

The benefit and curse of being an AuDHDer is that we are obsessive sleuths who fixate on details, clues, inconsistencies, holes in the narrative, plot points out of place. We are hellbent on uncovering the truth even when it only attracts odd “hmphs” and rolled eyes. Yes, I nailed it. Go me. But now my alarm bells are on a hair trigger. My sense of trust is shaky. My perseverative brain has been in fourth gear for weeks. I'm not sleeping, and I can't focus for shit; I feel like my entire quota of willpower has been used up on this wild hunt. And at the end of the day... who likes a Cassandra?

[moonlightcrossesonyourbody]

i mean this sincerely and very seriously

i would rather enter an alternate magical dimension where i would be hunted for sport as a pray animal than deal with the current job search situation

this shit is killing me because i love my profession of choice i adore it it is my calling i truely believe i was put on this earth to become a midwife

HOWEVER the professional reality in Greece is that of a glorified secretary or slave labor most of the time both with very little actual midwifery involved in toxic private health environments that by all accounts don't just burn workers out but are actively breaking their spirits by the day which breaks my damn heart

also do not getting me strated on the salaries which are minimum wage i'm talking 850 euro a month which in greece with rent being at best 550 and utilities at 300 is just not sustainable if you also need to eat every three days or so.

i have to move out of my parents house, i CANNOT afford to move out of my parents house,

I am starting a Masters degree i absolutely have to work full time during and i am just going crazy between

Wanting to live and breathe and exist in the island i come from which is impossible because there are no midwiferey jobs there, hating living in Athens anywhere outside of my hometown, while not being able to find work with not even a good but just a dignified salary

being absolutely shitscared of the whole process of immigrating to the uk which is the only other option, without having seen the place i'd be living in before aggreeing to a job and moving, plus all the costs of that that i absolutely cannot afford right now plus the weather alone would do me in, it would kill me i was not build for sunshine twice a month

while also bashing my head against the absolute banger of a wall that is the fact that it could be so much worse. i know where my academic future is headed, i know that through it i will come in contact with a lot of resources and connections to the kind of work i want to be doing but can't right now due to lack of experience, i know that it is more or less the next year that is uncertain and i need to find work for, because after that there are programs through the degree that i can apply to and get the ball rolling instead of trying to kickstart the whole process by myself right now

i know that there are jobs available-given bad ones- that i could do while staying with parents and saving up and they would support me through that economically meaning they would feed me and keep me warm and housed.

i am lucky enough to have managed to work enough and to save enough money to pay for the degree my damn self and there are scholarships i can and will be applying for that i am very likely to get

i am for better and for worse safe from bodily harm and have a roof over my head and food at my table provided by my family and some saved up money that allows me a modicum of freedom of movement

but my god my god my god i cannot live with my mother anymore, i can't i can't i can't i DO NOT WANT TO. it is no longer sustainable i'm not paying in utilities but i'm paying in spirit and gastric acid and one day i will snap and gods all, saints above and every other fucking deity be my goddamn witnesses. i will hit her.

and the uncertainty is killing me and i wish someone could just come and point me towards a direction because there is no such thing as academic advisors in fucking greece in universities so i have been doing it all myself ever since high school and i just want someone to come take care of it for me point me in a direction and fucking fire.

all that to say i applied for a job that is a bit of a longshot a whole lot unpredictable rather unplanned for but could also be very good for me and take care of a couple of those issues at once but doing all of it the finding job and moving out and househunting and the degree on top is quite honestly knee wobblingly overwhelming

all i really need to do is take a few deep breaths and grow some balls

that being said

i'm shitscared

[alia-the-wintergirl]

wednesday, july 10 2024

what i did + ate + feel sad/proud about

non-metabolism day. yippee!

BREAKFAST: 182

apple, large - 1 apple - 116 cals - for the fiber + sweetness. i love apples!

triscuits - 3 crackers - 60 cals - for the salt. i've been really craving salt recently for some reason, if anyone has any tips.

snyder's mini pretzels - 1 pretzel - 6 cals - same reason as the triscuits.

overview: good breakfast, but didn't keep me satisfied, so i had a snack not late after. not so great.

LUNCH: 420

trader joe's miso ramen soup - one carton - 180 cals - main part of the meal. yummy!

tofu, firm - 2oz - 48 cals - for the protein.

baby carrots - 4 pieces - 14 cals - for the fiber and the color in the soup.

peanuts - 1oz - 172 cals - for the fats and protein.

snyder's mini pretzels - 1 pretzel - 6 cals - for the salt.

overview: yummy, and i liked it, but i've read that having the same meal everyday slows your metabolism, so i'm nervous about that.

DINNER: 226

power crunch bar, triple chocolate - one bar - 226 cals - for the protein before fencing practice.

SNACKS: 235

gerber's lil crunchies - 20 pieces - 41 cals - for a little snack. the 20 pieces were spread out throughout the day, with 16 being eaten before my acting program, and 4 being eaten when i got home.

chocolate non pareils - 2 pieces - 36 cals - nobody's surprised to see this one. i ate it for the flavor. luckily those two pieces were my last, and i will not buy them again, not because i don't love them, but because it hurts my self-control.

triscuits - 3 crackers - 60 cals - for the salt. right before fencing i was craving it. i will probably replace all these crackers with seaweed, because the salt content is higher and the calories lower.

nature valley granola bar - 1 piece - 95 cals - eaten at fencing, again for the salt. wasn't even that salty.

overview: i ate most of these for the salt, which is an issue i'll have to correct in the future.

EXERCISE: burned 230 cals

walking for about 3 miles - not logged - part of daily activity

tricep workout - not logged - part of daily activity - i'm so happy i did this!!

jumping rope for 5 minutes - logged - 36 cals burned - happy i did this! oddly enough, jump roping makes my arms tired, not my legs or lungs.

1 hour of general exercise - logged as 30 mins of vigorous workout video exercise - fencing practice is two hours, and the first hour is just working out, so that you're athletic enough to fence competently. the whole hour was extremely vigorous, and i really felt the burn (positive!), but i'm unsure what the exact calories burned are, so i halved it and logged it as a workout video.

fencing - 20 minutes - logged as 12 minutes - i didn't fence so much at fencing this time, because i made a new friend! we gossiped more than we fenced, lol, but we still got in a somewhat decent amount.

SAD ABOUT:

the triscuits and pretzels, simply because they were unplanned and showed a lack of self-control.

PROUD ABOUT:

a lot today!

the tricep workout i did, trying to get rid of my armpit fat. i started it and finished it, which doesn't sound like a lot, but for me it was. my arms are super weak so i used 3-pound dumbbells, but it's a start!

my first hour of fencing! i worked very hard at it, and the teacher of that class (a former Olympian, which is still crazy to me) complimented me a few times! i was very happy.

i walked a lot, and i might be delusional, but i think it's helping a lot.

CONCLUSION:

good day for the most part. still wanna lower my net calories to maybe 650 a day, but this is progress!

i want to increase my salt intake so that i don't eat higher-cal crackers and pretzels and stuff like that. i will probably do it with seaweed.

ate 1063 cals today (a bit much), with -230 (logged as) burned.

NET CALORIES: 833

good day! i'm hungry right now, and about to go to bed, so i get the number one feeling in the world, which is going to bed hungry!

wish you all the best <3

[ma1up891186]

Understanding slums: Case studies

As in most cities around the world that host slum areas, the slums of Bogota are largely the result of rapid growth and lack of housing available to supply demand.

Bogota has seen sustained, rapid demographic growth through iterative waves of rural to urban migration in the wake of general impoverishment, corruption and violence. Bogota's urban perimeter expanded rapidly through illegal subdivisions, occupation and development of marginal areas by immigrants. The inner city slums, cast an interesting dichotomy - it showed urban transformation, undergoing progressive social and physical deterioration, and increasingly accommodated the lower hierarchy of the social strata and economic activities.

slums are defined as a spontaneous settlement on the cty margins , first appearing as the result of accelerated urbanisation, manifesting as shanty towns with precarious and makeshift shelters.

The slums of Bogotá can be classified as the outcome of:

unplanned and informal urbanization through subdivisions in peripheral and marginal areas, largely characterized by an initial lack of physical and social infrastructure, but which are often – within a few years – improved by the city administration or through self-help (or combinations thereof);

squatter settlements with generally more dire physical and social circumstances (although this category historically has had a relatively low importance);

inner-city urban deterioration zones that came about through the progressive move of 19th-century industrial, military and other functions adjacent to the traditional urban centre to more appropriate locations, and the social, economic and physical deterioration that followed in the wake of this urban abandonment.

They are primarily associated with crowded and dilapidated tenement houses, commercial room-renting in marginal housing and critical social situations of poverty, drugs and delinquency.

The tenure type in the slums is closely related to geographical location and type of housing. The inner-city slums are, typically, rental housing of dilapidated tenement blocks, whereas the squatter settlements and ‘pirate neighbourhoods’ of the peri-urban areas are owner-occupied. The latter tend to have a more transient nature in the sense that four decades of experience with this type of illegal urban expansion means that the very deficient conditions are often only the phenomena of the first few years. After this, gradual self-help and community improvements bring them to higher standards in terms of infrastructure and housing quality.

With an upward trend in the share of the population living below the poverty line – 19.4 per cent of the total population in 1994 and 23.0 per cent in 2000 – combined with a steady increase in urbanization and an increase of the population of Bogotá, it is expected that the proliferation of new slums will continue well into the future.

The pronounced urban isolation in which the slum dwellers live – the difficulty of access to physical and social infrastructure and the high levels of violence, compared to other areas of the city, generate patterns of depressed urban areas where the inhabitants, despite their great heterogeneity, look for common interests originating from their unsatisfied basic needs. Where underlying social structures get stronger, there is a degree of empowerment that increases their ability to act and react.

[UN-Habitat Global Report on Human Settlements, The Challenge of Slums, Earthscan, London; Part IV: 'Summary of City Case Studies', pp195-228.]

as a result, I will be siting my proposal near and in the area with the most impromptu settlement and renters.

[solhwellness]

Catching Early Signs And Symptoms Of Suicidal Behavior | Solh Wellness

Despite being a severe and very troubling problem, suicide is not a mental illness. Instead, it symbolizes the excruciating and sometimes disastrous outcome that can be brought on by mental illnesses that are not appropriately managed or treated. From severe depression and bipolar disorder to post-traumatic stress disorder and substance use disorders, these underlying diseases span a wide range. We will talk about the early warning signs and symptoms of suicidal behavior in this conversation, as well as the precautions a caregiver can take.

Suicide Warning Signs:

Being able to recognize suicide warning signals is essential for early intervention and support. These warning signs include various mental and behavioral changes, such as:

Persistent Emotional Distress:Swings in mood, unplanned outbursts of rage, or protracted, extreme depression may be signs of underlying emotional pain. For instance, a typically upbeat person can go through a prolonged depressive episode.

Overwhelming pessimism: A red flag might be an extremely negative outlook on the future and the conviction that nothing can be done to change it. A complete lack of hope or the incapacity to envision a brighter future are common expressions.

Sleep Disturbances: Sleeping patterns that significantly alter, such as difficulty falling asleep or excessive sleep, may be a sign of mental distress.

Abrupt Calmness: An abrupt and speedy return to tranquility after a period of sadness or rage could be cause for alarm. This sudden calm could be a sign that the person is prepared to end their life.

Social Withdrawal: Depression, a key risk factor for suicide, may manifest as a loss of interest in once-loved hobbies and a preference for isolation over social interaction. Avoiding your friends or favorite pastimes is one way to do this.

Personality or Appearance Changes: Suicidal individuals could exhibit observable changes in their mood or behavior, such as speaking or moving unusually quickly or slowly. They could also appear to be unconcerned with how they look.

Self-Destructive Behaviour: Suicidal ideation may be indicated by negative behaviors that put one's safety in peril, such as reckless driving, unsafe sexual behavior, or increased substance misuse.

Recent Life Crises:Suicidal thoughts can be sparked by major life changes including the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the diagnosis of a serious illness, the loss of a job, or financial difficulties.

Preparatory Actions: Some persons who are contemplating suicide start to organize their affairs, which may include calling or visiting friends and family, donating things, creating a will, or setting up their living space. You may even leave a letter behind.

Verbal or implied threats: Many people who are considering suicide will unintentionally or overtly tell acquaintances or family members. These safety measures could entail often discussing mortality or saying things such as, "It would be better if I weren't here." Because not everyone will be truthful about their intentions, suicide threats need to be taken seriously.

The caregiver should take the following activities if a loved one is exhibiting suicidal behavior:

When compared to people who experience social isolation, having supportive friends and family and having access to mental health facilities dramatically reduces the risk that someone will act on suicidal thoughts. If you come across someone who exhibits indicators of suicide ideation, keep the following in mind:

Initiate the Conversation:Ask if they are depressed or considering suicide without fear.

Enquire About Treatment: Ask if they are currently taking any medications or going to therapy.

Offer Hope:Reassure them that depression is a temporary illness that can be treated rather than attempting to talk them out of suicide.

Show You Care: Some people merely want to be liked and to know that others are receptive to hearing their worries. After that, you can convince them to seek expert assistance.

Conclusion

Untreated mental illnesses like depression, bipolar disorder, and substance use disorders can have dangerous side effects, one of which is suicide. Early warning signs include persistent mental anguish, excessive pessimism, sleep issues, social withdrawal, personality changes, self-destructive behavior, recent tragedies, preparation acts, and verbal threats. When a loved one exhibits symptoms of depression or suicidal ideation, caregivers can help them by talking with them, asking about treatment options, expressing genuine concern, and offering encouragement.

Since we at Solh think that mental health is important, we have selected a variety of effective self-help techniques to improve your mental wellbeing. We provide a variety of services, including goal-setting, mood analysis, self-assessment tests, journaling, and access to a vast collection of educational materials. Utilize our wide range of self-help resources to take control of your path to improved mental health and personal growth.

[humansun]

MORNING PAGES

Written Thursday, August 3rd, 2023 at 9:06AM

Hi, morning pages. I am very tired. 

Yesterday night my brain was active and I had to flush it out with water, reading, and being productive until 2 in the morning. I reminded myself to not feel shame about it which was nice and now I’m moving forward in life hopeful to readjust my plans and still get my workout in.

The weekend of outing begins and I’m excited, but also nervous for it. I’m not sure if the driver of me wanting to look good at these events are for the right reasons. I wonder if I want to look pretty in order to remind people that I am of value, instead of just knowing that internally. Or maybe I just want to look pretty because I usually don’t put in the work to do that. 

Lots of thoughts. Regardless, I hope the wedding and weekend is fun and drama-free. Even if there is drama, I’m certain it’ll be drama I can handle and move past. Yesterday, taking the time to read the book, take notes, and contemplate briefly on my life was necessary. It’s like I was meant to drink the black tea and stay up to receive the revelations that I did.

I wouldn’t be sitting here writing had it not been for me reading the morning pages chapter and feeling an actual obligation to the book and myself to sit and write. It’s nice letting my brain flow. Also, something I find interesting is that when I seek for help, it seems I’m already doing what is suggested of me. For example, wanting to lose weight was not too difficult of a transition, since I was already doing the work of eating complex carbohydrates.

That’s amazing! Speaking of which, I saw a post yesterday about a vegan influencer who ate straight durian and jackfruit and died yesterday (or recently). That’s scary and makes me want to barf a little, but I think my fruit intake is a pretty normal and regular thing. Going back to the transitions being easier for me because I’m already sort of doing them - same with morning pages! 

I find myself already writing every morning or most mornings I should say, even if it’s a sentence or not very much, I still show up. I realized that showing up is what’s most important in our path to achieve our creative goals. It means arriving at the places we want to be, even if we don’t feel like it or it feels pointless or unnecessary. I’m proud of myself for already consciously taking the steps towards these goals and it makes me even more confident that I’ll survive, thrive, and succeed in this industry.

New topic! I’m going to New York in September and I literally can’t wait. That’s probably the one thing I’ll be looking forward to most this year apart for Christmas. Then after that, it’s just a new year with new tasks and goals to accomplish. Not having money is a real, terrifying thing. I’m constantly wondering of whether I should get a full-time job or if I should just hug the rest of the year out while I wait for grad school applications.

I wonder if I should find a white-collar desk job that has nothing to do with me, just for the money. I feel certain I’d excel in most tasks and can be pretty relentless in my job search, but I worry that working full-time would take me away from everything else I need to worry about especially creatively. To be honest, I’m living in unplanned spontaneity due to my lack of preparation last November.

There isn’t shame in that decision - it’s more of an acknowledgement. I’m merely recognizing that that is what occurred, but I am not mad about that choice. I’m just processing what it is and how it shows up in my life almost a year later. I would need to make a thick pros and cons list for everything I’m considering, but really I’d like a job that would fund all the things I need to afford and a job that does not drive me insane.

However, the likelihoods of me liking the job that makes me a shit ton of cash is low. I wouldn’t know unless I try it, but I have a tendency to get consumed by jobs that ask me for a lot, and suddenly my focus on creativity and taking the time for myself looks much different. I’m not sure if I could survive in the volatility of sales, but I would be happy to use that money to fund my life.

That is a conversation I’m having with myself that’s on hold, since I’m applying to all these programs and hoping one of them takes off. I wouldn’t be in pain if it didn’t take off. I’d accept it, move forward in my life, and probably re-apply, but I’d need something solid that also grants me a good healthcare package.

Jesus! Questions, thoughts, feelings, conflicting emotions, it’s a lot. It’s like planning for New York, but I’m in the beginning stages, because I really don’t know how to start or where to start and I also don’t even want to start. But I am also recognizing that making a plan is what leads to my success and continuing to live life in limbo will not benefit me in the long-term.

The more that I am in this industry and the more I learn about my craft, I still feel I’m moving one step closer towards becoming the person I want to be, even if it doesn’t completely make sense. I’m okay with that. I’m still learning, growing, understanding life, and doing my best. That’s really all anyone could ask for from a human being. I don’t want to spend the rest of this entry talking about my uncertainty in the media industry, so I’ll move on to something that’s been sitting in my heart since yesterday.

I’m sure I mentioned this in the last post but yesterday my mom took the time out of her day, while recovering from surgery, to paint my nails. I thought this was sweet and special, and we definitely did not have the right tools to ensure a nice outcome, but I still appreciated the process nonetheless. She did a cute french tip on my hand nails and both sets of toes. Usually when it comes to these beauty things, I’m pretty picky (I think that’s why I chose to be a filmmaker, because I know I’m kind of picky), but yesterday I was grateful to even have a little piece of my mom on my hands and toes.

She really is the best and I hope today’s doctor appointment goes well. I’m going to be ready for any outcome and I’ll be prepared for what comes next. I was showering yesterday and thought about flying to Maryland for a week or two, since it’s been a while since I visited. I thought about it and felt okay with the fact that if I do go with my mom, it’ll be a lot of staying in the house, taking the same walk I took when I was 13, looking at fireflies out the window, getting bit by mosquitos, going to the same Asian grocery store down the street, having the same kind of conversations, and feeling some of the same emotions I felt when I was staying with my aunt and uncle, etc.

But! Because I feel like I’ve changed significantly since being 21, I am okay with going on this very mundane excursion. I feel like it’d birth new questions I’d ask my aunt and uncle about, it’d make me think a little differently about my life, reflect on who I used to be, and experience a bit of nostalgia. Delirious by Steve Aoki and Kid Ink is a powerful song. This is my new theme song. For life. I’m head banging.

Whoa! It’s also crazy how the rave community is sprinkled a little bit everywhere in my life. I love it! I also love my friends. Friendship is like, the freaking best thing ever. Exploring your sexuality and accepting yourself for it is also the best thing ever. Being human can have some of the most special and amazing experiences, even though times get hard and we hate our lives.

Holy shit! Did I mention I’m seeing Taylor Swift in a week? Yeah, I’m not ready because I didn’t really prep. But I’m happy we got the tickets at base price because I would’ve died having to pay $300 for it. At first, I wasn’t that hyped because I only listened to some of her albums, but I’m learning that going to see an artist is a very thrilling experience and getting to be in a venue with thousands of other people who are just as pumped. It’s going to be a good time. I’m considering making bracelets for it but that seems to be going a bit overboard.

Wow, delirious is over? That song changed my life. There’s something about waking up with unbrushed teeth, feeling a bit delusional and heading straight for my laptop to sit and write about everything that’s on my brain. It really is a brain drain. After this I’ll need to confide in no one since I just aired out all my feelings for the morning. *insert laughter here*

Dude, you know what also really got me while reading that book? The fact that Jean Michel was someone who literally lived a creative life. Like the fact that I’m conscious of my own lack of creativity in my daily life already proves that most of my intentions feel artificial and not authentic to who I really am and how I live my life. Whereas with Jean-Michel literally just thought that way genuinely from when he was born. Like what? I want that.

But we’re different people who lived in different worlds. That’s okay that I don’t have all of these cool skills that legendary artists do because I’m my own person in my own world nad living a completely different life. Speaking of completely different life, my desire to travel to more countries died after coming back from an unusual trip in Vietnam. But it’s reviving in a very different way than it used to be. For a long time after going to Ghana, my eyes on travel were covered by Miley Cyrus’ rose-colored lenses. Now however, my desire for international travel has a different take on it.

What it is if I could dig a little deeper is that I strive to continue to experience the unknowns of the world, whether that is travelling to Mexico like I’ve always wanted or going to Europe. For the longest time I was so anti-Europe, but like, the idea of going to Sicily or really anywhere in Switzerland sounds nice. Okay, actually - if I take the time to understand where this actually comes from, it’s from the new tab backgrounds that populate different nature images daily. That’s probably where the desire to travel to these countries come from.

There is just so much to know about in the world and I really don’t know much at all apart from my own domestic experiences. That while I sleep, Vietnam is across the globe bustling and opening its 5am markets selling all types of goods, fruits, vegetables, and garments that I really wish I could buy more of. It’s fascinating getting to know more incredible people like my friends and new folks who have abundant experiences.

I want to extend the same prayer that I recounted yesterday after meditating at the local park. The prayer being not to a deity, but to myself, that I am lucky and grateful to be living a life that’s so full, colorful, warm, and safe with the best people I’ve ever encountered in my life. I am so lucky to be me, even if that means a flawed, imperfect human that’s always trying. I feel happy to get to eat, live a fruitful life, even if it doesn’t seem like that because all we do as humans is compare our circumstances with the next person.

I personally get to live a life of adventure, experiences, so many first times, and I’m still here today to recount those stories to the people around me. I’m not sure if its a phase or the leftover caffeine but I have no doubt that the life I get to live and am living is beautiful and rich in a million ways. That there is really no regret in how I live my life. Shout out to all my friends because they’re literally the reason. For everything. That’s it. And my family. And everyone who loves and supports me.

There is absolutely no way I won’t have the life I want and deserve because I am in full control of that and knowing me, I’ll make it happen. Whoa! I exceeded three pages in writing? I’m crazy. I’m a beast. I’m badass. Okay, I’ll be back tomorrow or even tonight if I have more brain drain to report. Thank you for reading and thank you for listening.