#we have too far to go to make ourselves and others feel so fucking awful every day for the sake of fictional characters

[camojacketfag]

when do you stop feeling like you're waiting for your life to start? im 22 and ive accomplished nothing, it feels like im at a standstill.

Well, for starters, I had a breakdown in a meijer parking lot at 8:15pm yesterday, sobbing to boygenius as I was telling myself that I’ve paused my life for the past four years to try and heal from crippling childhood trauma and therefore I haven’t really had the chance to truly have fucking fun and live life man.

My 20s have been a lot of healing and slowing down as life continues to move past me so fucking quickly. I told myself I was gonna have fun this year and instead I got my heart broken, I relapsed in my OCD, I cut ties with a shit therapist who invalidated me time and time again and I played far too many video games. Through out it all I also lost so many friendships who don’t fully understand how debilitating OCD truly is and my current social life consists mostly of imaginary conversations I have inside my head. But hey, we’re still fucking kicking! What really defines an accomplishment man? Whose timeline are you comparing yourself too? Most of the lives constantly being lived so publicly are led by neurotypical people with such big opportunities very different from lives like ours man. Therefore you’re doing yourself a disservice to try and compare your life to theirs. Acceptance is the hardest pill to swallow. I truly despise patience. Yet I also have to come to terms with the fact that I move at a much slower and methodical pace than everyone else around me. I know in the long run I’ll be grateful I decided to heal now as opposed to later but I still feel so fucking robbed man. Of time. And opportunities. And life. Time that I may never get back. Time in which others my age spent developing their careers or social relationships, I was stuck in my little room listening to sad lesbian music and having no one around but my dog and the obsessive thoughts that felt intensely unavoidable. I’d say life, or at least the life you’re talking about, will never truly start man. That life is just a piece of fiction. I guess what I’m trying to say is that life has already started, it’s just waiting for you to notice. Your perception is just warped, much like mine, but I know that although I can list all of these awful things that have happened over these past four years, I know that nudged somewhere in between it all, I’ve still lived. I saw some sick ass concerts, I gave myself my first stick and poke, I got drunk and shared to much, I allowed myself to question love and it’s mechanisms and meaning, I started a photo blog and have steadily worked towards creating what I see everyday in to something others can relate or come back to, I got punched in the face, I busted my lip trying to open a bottle of vodka, I drank to much caffeine and felt like I’d ascended to a higher state of consciousness. After I relapsed, I felt broken man. So much new trauma I’d have to go back to and stitch up all caused by trusting a professional who only made me believe that my own personal experience of the things I’d gone through was actually wrong. Yet somehow, it ended with me finally believing myself once more. And vowing to never let anyone make me feel like she did ever again. 11 years of trauma and hard work doesn’t deserve to be so easily destroyed just because you have a degree and I don’t. Still, I believed myself again. I believe myself now. And I know going forward that if we continuously compare ourselves to lives being lived that will never cross paths with ours then all we’re gonna do is spend eternity wondering when it will ever finally fucking begin. I promise you, it already has, and although I don’t know you, and you might believe that it’s been more bad than good, or that it’s not as valuable when compared to others achievements at your age, it’s still yours, and there’s still time, and it’s always been there, it’s just waiting for you to notice.

[beautifulpersonpeach]

I'm so full. I'm so happy. This is everything that I wanted for the tannies. It's so amazing. Never mind its 144p and I'm still learning the lyrics. I had such a blast! Jimin was so cute. Yoongi was so funny and cute and sexy and awesome and just,,, just,,, JUST!!! Couldn't stop grinning while watching their wlive and burst out laughing as Yoongi ended it so abruptly. lol Love you, Yoongi. Love them. Who's doing it like them? Have you seen the Tiffany crowd? Have you seen the concert crowd?!!?

***

It’s a different sort of high being a fan of BTS, isn’t it?

It’s a different sort of joy seeing them be their remarkable, awe-inspiring and goofy selves. It’s so beautiful to see the love they so clearly have for each other. It feels a little too intimate sometimes, and in my experience, this is a feeling that’s unique to BTS. This group is very special. What they’ve got feels genuine because it is.

Jimin was vibing hard. Yoongi’s performance felt electric from start to finish. They spent time together, [*]riding to the venue and leaving afterwards. Its clear as day that Yoongi is happy Jimin is with him, and Jimin wears the respect and love for his hyung on his face. It’s just so easy with them.

And can I just mention Yoongi’s energy during tonight’s concert?

The way he attacked HUH?!

AGUST D???

Christ.

It’s like he gets stronger, wilder, every concert… lol, like I suspected, he’s already a bit too good at this. I’m gonna need him to calm down before the Cali dates. And now that we know we’re getting Tony Montana at a future date, I think we’re all going to really learn to pace ourselves. This could get crazy before long.

Because we’re only three days in and I’m already hanging on by a thread.

What he’s doing to me with these performances cannot be written on the internet.

He fucks me up so bad y’all.

Let me go on a short tangent here:

STD is an acronym that’s known in Korea to mean what you think it means. Everybody knows it. Language isn’t a barrier in this case. When people in Korea hear “STD”? They know what it’s referring to.

Now, what do you think about the way Yoongi introduced his alternate persona: AGUST D in 2016? The way he enunciates that phrase is sickening and intentional. The very mention of his name in the mouths of his detractors is a sickness they get from him fucking them. Or ‘fat dicking’ them, to quote Yoongi. And on that song he spits one of the sickest bars of his entire career. You’re guaranteed to be fucked just by hearing it. I mean just in his name there’s already triple entendres.

It’s mad.

Yoongi has a very peculiar energy. It’s very catlike, but also serpentine and there’s an undercurrent of barely restrained lunacy deep beneath the surface. Hobi is actually more crude than Yoongi in speech and flow, but Yoongi can be so cruel. And that quality, one he doesn’t shy from turning on himself too, coupled with his pragmatic and caustic delivery… lord. He sets himself apart from every other artist alive. Nobody in BTS cuts to the bullshit faster than Yoongi - he’s lived through the consequences of deluding yourself that you’re okay when you’re not. He’s a man who is constantly examining himself, checking his worst tendencies, but never compromising on what he truly believes.

Ugh.

Times like tonight, I look at BTS and feel so much calm. They are so competent, and I’m certain whatever they make, it will be very good. Yoongi has proven that so far with this tour. Yoongi’s D-DAY concert tour is easily the best solo concerts I’ve been to this decade, and I haven’t even attended one yet. But it’s easily the best one. Easily. And I’ve been to a lot (actually been to them), especially in the last 12 months.

That crowd Jimin pulled for the Tiffany’s event is no joke. We’re now at the point where Western celerities know they’re not the main popularity driver if Jimin is also involved. They know the crowds are there for Jimin. And when he eventually showed up, he looked magnificent. Elegant. Polished. Understated. One of these days I want to see Jimin bejewelled and dressed in all primary colours - something more vibrant and queer. But that Tiffany’s event went for traditional and understated and that’s okay. It worked, because Jimin can work anything.

**

Edit [*]: Typo correction. Should include "after", meaning after arriving at and leaving the concert, Yoongi and Jimin spent time together. They arrived separately and left together, spent time together also before and after.

[dizzzydancin]

Step On Me- A John Dory-centric Fanfic

hai again :3 heres chapter two of this fic, it's on ao3 if anyone's interested in that

cw: drug use (i dont know how drugs work)

Rock Your Body- Chapter 2

If anyone learns anything about John Dory, it's that sometimes he doesn't fully think things through. This is how he ended up at this insane party full of trolls he barely knows and the music is so loud that he swears he needs earplugs to listen to.

It's not that he didn't want to be here; quite the contrary.

An old friend, Darnell, had invited John to a party he was hosting towards the top of the Troll Tree and begged him to come on a count of JD always being “overworked and stressed," quote on quote. John wasn't going to go initially; he had responsibilities now. There was no way he could just leave his siblings to take care of themselves!

Alas, upon hearing of John’s invite to the party, Floyd had insisted he go.

“You deserve a break. You never do anything fun!" Floyd points out, which makes John Dory huff out a sigh.

“You don't understand, I can't just leave you boys alone. It's just not right, especially not after…" John trails off, ready to stand up and leave the conversation when he feels Floyd grab onto his wrist.

“You know we're old enough to take care of ourselves, right? We aren't babies anymore, JD.” Floyd laughs but can tell John is still hesitant, and maybe a little hurt.

John bites his lip before nodding, finally agreeing to go to Darnell’s party. Maybe he did deserve some time for himself.

Which is how he ended up here, with a drink of something he can't remember in his hand and suddenly bumping into a taller, dark-blue troll.

The blue troll spins around, long, red hair whipping around with the same intensity the rest of him does, and staring into his fierce eyes makes John Dory nervous.

He takes a step back, only to bump into another troll behind him, who seems to be too busy dancing to even bother looking at him.

“Sorry, didn't see you there!" John yells over the music, putting on his best smile to make him look even the slightest bit more confident.

The other troll stares at him for a second longer, looking him up and down before turning right back around, and making his way through the crowd of trolls to what seems to be the kitchen. Man, that's a relief; John wasn't sure he was trying to fight anyone tonight. This was supposed to be a freeing night for him! And so far it's going pretty awful.

With a loud sigh, JD makes his way through the crowd of trolls just as the dark blue troll had done moments prior, but instead of heading to the kitchen, he leans against a far wall that seems to have the least amount of trolls accumulating near it. John finally feels like he can breathe now that he's not shoulder-to-shoulder with every troll in the pod.

Man, he must look like a fucking loser.

He takes a sip of his drink, quickly being reminded that it's a soda of some kind, and starts thinking of how the hell he can get out of there without being seen by anyone he might know. It seems like an asshole move; he knows he should say goodbye to Darnell, as he was the one who invited him in the first place, but it just seems like too much effort to John who feels like he's been bit by a bus.

Before he can make his escape, the dark blue troll from earlier slides back into the room. He stands out amongst all the other trolls with his long, flowing red hair and heart-shaped chest hair that's weirdly enticing to JD. He doesn't even realize he's staring at the poor fellow and only realizes when it becomes all too clear that this troll is heading in his direction.

Shit, maybe he should have gotten out of here sooner.

By the time John turns around to leave, the blue troll is somehow standing right in front of him, and he bumps into his broad chest with a thump.

John quickly reels back, trying to avoid bringing a black eye back to show his siblings the good time he had.

“Listen, man, I didn't mean-" John begins, throwing his hands up and accidentally sloshing his drink over his gloved hand in the process.

The blue troll sticks out his hand, putting on a friendly smile that makes John's gut feel gooey.

“Chaz." That is all the troll says. What an introduction.

John hesitates, staring at Chaz’s hand before using his non-sticky hand to shake it. “John Dory."

As if Chaz couldn't get anymore weirdly attractive to JD, he bows his head, kissing the back of John's hand and peering at him through his lashes.

“Your name is unique, I like it."

The compliment has John's heart soaring, and a cheesy grin spreads across his warm cheeks.

“Thanks! I like your hair.” John compliments Chaz back, feeling it was the only right thing to do.

"Hmm, thank you, dear.” Chaz rumbles from deep in his chest.

The tone Chaz puts on makes John feel like there are millions of little butterflies fluttering around in his stomach, and it's weird at first, but JD thinks he likes it.

Chaz takes a step closer to John, leaning down right in his ear. The proximity makes John feel weak, and his face flushes almost immediately. Part of him wants to grab this troll's face and study every part of it, but that would be so weird, right?

“I think I know how to make your night a little more fun. Are you up for it?" Chaz whispers to John, who nods excitedly.

When Chaz pulls away, he begins digging through his pocket, which John watches closely. Dude, this guy is jacked, and fuck if it's not hot.

A small package of what looks like candy is pulled from Chaz’s pocket and handed to John, who dumbly stares at it. Okay, not what he was expecting.

Chaz seems to sense his confusion and shakes the package to catch John's attention. “Come on, just try it. I promise you won't regret it." Chaz winks and hands the candy over to John, who finally takes it.

Still skeptical, and now a little weirded out, JD takes the candy and rips open the package. It's a little ring candy, it seems, and it's blue, probably blueberry. After another bought of hesitation, John brings the candy to his mouth and takes a couple of licks across the outside.

“You'll thank me later." Chaz brushes his hand across John's hip, bringing his other hand up to take a lick of his candy, which is red. Has Chaz had that this whole time? How did he not notice that earlier?

Before John could ask what Chaz meant, he felt as if he had entered another plane of existence.

The packed room was stretching and expanding at will, even other trolls' faces became distorted and odd-looking, some of them even changing colors! Oddly enough, John Dory wasn't frightened by any of this, how could he be when his body felt so buzzy and alive? He couldn't help the laughter bubbling in his chest, the wild grin he had spreading quickly across his face. God, he'd never felt so alive!

Chaz seemed to be a bit more experienced with this sort of thing, it seemed since he wasn't as phased by the candy. Instead, he was looking down at JD, his smile quickly building.

“Care to dance?" Chaz purred in John's ear, which earned him an enthusiastic, “Hell yeah!" in return.

Don't be so quick to walk away

Dance with me

I wanna rock your body, please stay

Dance with me

The music was loud, but no longer did JD feel the need to cover his ears and shield himself from the noise. He instead embraced it, throwing his hands clumsily in the air and swaying his whole body to the rhythm. John could no longer remember why he was so anxious, now dancing alongside a hot troll whom he'd only gotten the name of not even five minutes ago.

While John was throwing his body around to the music, Chaz was swaying his hips, keeping his arms mostly by his side. He was more focused on keeping an eye on his new friend, making sure he didn't wander off too far or get into any trouble while under the influence. Deep down, Chaz had a feeling that John had never done anything like this before if his cute confused face from before was any indication.

I don't mean no harm

Just wanna rock you, girl

Make a move, but be calm

Let's go, let's give it a whirl

As the party came to a close, trolls slowly made their way out of the pod and stumbling their way back home, Chaz was guiding John to the exit as well. It was late, the moon glowing high in the sky, and they couldn't stay here all night even if they wanted to. Chaz had become quite infatuated with John Dory, and even though he would love to stay with him a bit longer, it seemed like a better idea to get him home.

“Come on, dear, it's time to get you home." Chaz hums, pushing John Dory towards the pod’s door.

“Nooo!" John whined back, throwing his arms around Chaz’s neck, “The party is just getting started!"

Chaz’s laugh rings through JD’s ears. "Quite the opposite, love. Let's go."

John Dory groans, letting go of Chaz and stomping out of the pod.

He's so cute when he pouts, Chaz thinks, smiling softly as he follows behind the grumpy troll.

“Don't be like that, darling. It's getting late, you know." They're holding hands now, fingers intertwined with one another. When did that happen?

“Can I walk you home? I don't want you getting hurt.” Chaz offers, to which he gets an enthusiastic nod of agreement from John, who begins to vaguely remember the direction in which his pod is.

They walk in silence for a bit. It's a comfortable silence, though, not a silence that either of them feels needs to be filled with mindless banter. Of course, with John Dory being John Dory, he talks anyway.

“Haven't seen you around before." He comments.

“No? I live that way." Chaz points behind them, and John assumes he lives past Darnell's pod.

“Ohh, yeah that's probably why. I usually stay home anyway." John shrugs. It's kind of sad to admit, really, but he has people to take care of, he can't just up and leave out of nowhere.

Chaz nods. “Kids at home?"

“Sort of. My brothers."

The conversation trails off after that, Chaz not wanting to pry into his acquaintance's home life, and John not wanting to have to explain his life story to an almost stranger.

Before they knew it, both trolls arrived back at John's pod, which seemed dark from the outside since it was late and all the lights were off. His brothers should be asleep by now, at least he hopes they are; he's still feeling a bit loopy, and doesn't feel like running into any of them.

“This is my stop." John jokes, turning around to face Chaz.

“Will I see you soon?" Chaz smiles at him.

John just shrugs. There's no way to know what tomorrow brings, not with the way he's living. With that, John turns away and heads into his pod as quietly as possible to not wake his sleeping brothers, leaving Chaz alone on the branch in front of his home.

When JD walks inside, he's pleased to find everything is right where it should be. Except for a stray shirt on the couch and a bottle of juice on the coffee table, everything was spotless. He's impressed, to say the least.

As quiet as he possibly can with his clumsy feet, he walks to his bedroom, slipping his shirt off on the way there. When he gets inside, he shuts the door and throws his shirt into a corner of the room, never to be seen again.

As he collapses onto his bed, curling up on the slightly lumpy mattress and pulling a few stray blankets over the top of him, he closes his eyes, falling asleep with a stupid grin on his face.

If he has a dream about a certain dark blue troll with beautiful red hair, then it was nobody else's business but his.

[skyrim-forever]

NSFW! Devour Me -Teldryn Sera x Serana Volkihar

@t00thpasteface it is done! I tried to emphasis Serena's vampire-ness so let me know if it comes through! Wish I made it more monster-fucking but alas, there's always next time. We did keep the Femdom overtones tho

Words: 2k

“So you’re here with the vampire?”

Teldryn finished his sujamma, placing the jar in front of him on the bar, before answering Geldis’s question. 

“I’m here with my current employer yes” 

Geldis’s eyes dart over to the sultry figure in the corner, Serana is laughing with some of the other patrons of the Retching Netch. In between conversations she briefly looks at him before making her eyes to Teldryn, her tongue swiping across her bottom lip. 

“Have you seen the way she looks at me?” Teldryn says.

“Like she wants to crack you open like a fine bottle of wine.”

“Ah, so you have noticed” He laughs at this, like becoming the prey of a bloodsucking monster is normal. His friend was always one for danger but even this was a bit much for him.  

“Don’t you worry my friend, I can handle myself.” Although originally he was afraid of his vampiric companion, to the point where he was considering learning to sleep with his eyes open, this fear had subsided into something else. Vampires were wretched creatures but the danger made her all the more enticing. She was plenty attractive as is, with silky dark hair and her dry sense of humour; but it was when the hunger took hold that really drove him crazy. Her red eyes wide, mouth gaping and growling -no something far more primal than growling- admitting from her. Watching her feast on rats, deer, the occasional traveller, left the dunmer both in fear and awe. 

By Azura, I wish that were me.

“Here she comes” The barkeep said, snapping Teldryn back to the present from his thoughts. Serana walk up to where they are at the bar. 

“Hello Geldis” she says, looking at Teldryn instead. 

“Greetings outlander, I suppose I have you to blame for taking my friend away”

Serana laughs, eyes never leaving her hired companion. 

“We’ll be on the island for a few weeks, going to go digging in a few dwemer ruins before heading back to Skyrim.”

“Ah dwemer ruins, forgive me if that doesn’t sound enchanting.”

“It’s a lovely challenge, although not much of a challenge for one of my talents” Teldryn says, entering the conversation. Though, with Serana’s eyes staring into his soul, he can’t help but feel Geldis is the outsider in this discussion. 

Geldis senses this too and adds “the rooms on the end are yours for the next two nights” before excusing himself. Teldryn nods at Geldis and turns his attention to Serana. 

“So boss, what’s the plan for the rest of the evening?”

  “Well the night is still young and the drinks are still flowing, I say we enjoy ourselves for the time being. The ruins will certainly be less than inviting.” 

“I’ll drink to that” The mercenary laughs, about to flag Geldis down again for another round. 

“Oh yes, I have something for you, a bit of a bonus for handling that bear attack outside of Windhelm.”

“Oh, do you now?” 

“Follow me” she says, making her way down the hallway to their rooms. Teldryn gets up from his seat, following close behind. 

Once inside he remarks “so what kind of bonus are we talking about here? You’ve already given me more than enough-”

Teldryn closes the door, turning back to look at her,  yet again she is staring at him. Teldryn notices her eyes are wide, her mouth agape -the hunger.

Serana closes the distance between them, all but pinning him against the door. 

“I’m hungry Teldryn.”

“Are you now?”

“I don’t think rats are going to suffice this time.” She moves her arms up to his neck, with one hand caressing his cheek, a finger trailing down his neck. She is taller than him, towering over him while the lights of the room illuminate her face. Serana is a vision, ancient and primordial, powerful. Teldryn felt his pants tighten and despite the fridge temperatures of her hand, he found himself becoming unbearably warm. 

“I know you’ve seen how I look at you, like I want to suck you dry, eat you alive”

Teldryn dawns a dark smile “Then devour me darling”.

Serana wastes no time sinking her fangs deep into his neck, the contact making him yelp out of a mix of pain and pleasure. She does not nip or suck the skin, but rather plunges into a large artery, quickly drawing blood. At her hunger being satisfied, she lets out a deep, guttural moan. At this sound Teldryn moans even louder. 

“Fuck”

Teldryn brings a hand to her head, holding her closer to his neck, lightly running his fingers through her hair as he deals with the intense sensation crossing through him. She is messy in her feeding, he feels blood begin to drip down his neck and under his armour before she growls and gestures for him to remove it. He does so without question, stripping it away until he’s bare from the waist up. She dives back in, this time leaving the open wound on his neck and licking the stray blood that’s begun to run down his clavicle. Upon returning to his neck proper, Serana sucks the sensitive skin around the wound, before closing it up with her spit. 

Teldryn looks up at her, eyes still wide and blood, his blood, dripping down her face. He grabs the front of her armour, pulling her lips into his. She meets his enthusiasm, running her tongue on his bottom lip to ask for entrance, which he grants more than willingly. Tasting his own blood is not something he ever expected to do but fuck if it didn’t make him feral. The burnt rust taste was rather pleasant and he felt pressure continuing to build in this cock, the organ desperate to be touched. As he lowers his hand to palm at himself through his far-too-tight pants, Serana breaks their kiss and replaces his hand with hers. Undoing the laces of his pants and freeing him, grasping around him firmly, she begins to move her hand up and down his shaft. 

“Fuck” Teldryn manages to say in between moans “maybe I shouldn’t be te one paying you.”

Serana chuckles darkly “No need for payment, just be good for me, you do that for me can’t you?”

All he does is moan obscenely, at this moment there’s nothing he wants more than to be good for her. A woman so dark and sublime, dangerous and strong, is currently jacking him off and he’ll do anything to keep it that way.  Her touch is electric and unlike anything he’s ever felt before. Teldryn was no stranger to lovers, but none had been as magnetic as her. He wondered now, drunk on her touch, intoxicated by the pleasure, if she feared the sun because she knew she was  far, far more radiant.  

It’s when she returns to his neck, the biting and moaning accompanying her touch, that he knows he’s at his end. 

“Can’t, can’t take much more”

Serana takes her lips off his neck for a brief second to utter “then come for me”. The filthiest moan leaves Teldryn’s lips as she pleasures him through his orgasm, her hand rasping tighter and he winds down from it. 

Breathing heavily, he mumbles “That, that was, you were-”

Serana kisses him to stop him mid-sentence. 

“Oh I’m not done with you yet.”

Now it is Teldryn’s eyes that are wide, before he narrows them and follows her as she leads him to the bed. Shoving him onto it, he takes a moment to remove the remainder of his clothing, tossing it to the side. It is not long before her’s joins his on the floor, her boots slumped against the end table. She stands over him, pale skin nearly glowing as he takes in her entirely. Serana climbs on top of him, towering over him once again and gives his cock a few strokes, not needing much to get him fully erect again. 

“What do you want?” she asks.

“You, oh fuck, you” he answers. 

Serana laughs again, sinking into him and moaning loudly as she is filled by him.She is cold but its not unpleasant, her cool body meeting his warmth creates a new sensation that leaves him lightheaded. Teldryn has abandoned any of the already little dignity he has left to cry out “By Azura, fuck”

The vampire begins to ride him, head thrown back and breasts moving in time with her movements. Teldryn reaches up to grasp them, pulling, gently, at her nipple. Upon hearing her low moan, he moves up closer to her, enough to put it in his mouth. His tongue laps at the soft skin surrounding it, before he plunges his teeth into her. This causes a growl to come from Serana and in a brief moment of clarity Teldryn thinks so she likes to be bitten back. He continues his ministrations on her breasts, biting and fondling as she grinds harder on him. Not wanting to be a selfish lover, he moves his hands down to her centre, giving her clit a few experimental touches in order to find out what she likes. Circling her clit with two fingers causes her to tense around him, obtaining a deep, feral sound from both of them. 

“Keep moving just like that, oh you're so good aren’t you”

This woman is going to take his soul right out of his body, her praise just spurs him on, continuing the same motion only harder. Serana’s legs begin to shake and her orgasm washes over her. Now it’s her turn for a filthy moan and Teldryn is sure Geldis and the other patrons have heard but right now he doesn’t care. He just made this vision of a woman finish and he is going to drink in the memory of her coming undone on top of him. 

“Oh so strong, you’re so strong and you make me feel so good” Teldryn hums happily at this, Serana comes down from her high, climbing off him to sit on the edge of the bed, grasping his cock. 

“Can you come for me again, you look so delicious when you do” 

Teldryn swallows, before answering “Yeah I can, I can for you, oh” she rides him, studying how his face contorts in pleasure as she moves up and down his shaft, the dark purple veins pulsating. He closes his eyes to just focus on the feeling, he doesn’t want it to end just yet and he fears if he looks at her too long that’ll be it. He feels her thumb on his slit, before a long, wet, lick forces his eyes open. Teldryn sees her licking along the underside of his cock, her eyes staring at him both asking for his pleasure and letting him know she’s in charge. He feels spent and Serana can tell by the way his legs have begun to shake. She sits back up, once again looking down on him. 

“Come”

And he does, thrusting into her hand and crying out a string of obscenities.

“Fuck, fuck, by the three! Oh you’re so gorgeous, fuck you make me, oh fuck”

As he comes down from his second orgasm of the night, Serana grabs a cloth from the end table and cleans up. He whines a bit at her cleaning him up, more of a reaction from being overstimulated.  After they are both clean, Serana lays down beside him, tracing his tattoos as he hums quietly, grateful for her gentle touch. 

“That was certainly a bonus” he speaks first. 

“I couldn’t help myself, from when I first saw you without your helmet I wanted to know what it would be like to skin my teeth into you. To know what you tasted like” Serana says, staring at him, although now her hunger is quenched, only lust remaining in them. 

“Maybe next time I can taste you instead” He meets her half-lidded gaze. 

Before she can respond, they hear a knock at the door. 

“She didn’t hurt you, did she Teldryn?” The slightly panicked voice of Geldis responses. 

“He’s fine Geldis” Serana laughs. 

“More than fine” Teldryn adds. 

“Definitely more than fine” he says, this time in a whisper only loud enough for them to hear.

[stripperblvd]

Reefer Rick (Eddie Munson x Reader Pt 1)

Summary: Who the hell is Reefer Rick? And why the HELL is Eddie Munson dating her?

Warnings: Uhh idk drug use? But I mean come on…it’s Eddie,

Word Count: 1.6k

Note: Slight change event order for the drug deal scene. Reader is Eddie’s age, this part ends in angst but don't worry part two ends in a happy note.

“Afternoon” your whimsical voice wafted through the silenced woods, dragging out the word as you made your way towards Eddie, who was sitting on the infamous wooden table, the one you had spent most of your high school years on. As far you could remember the table had always been abandoned, which made it the perfect spot for you and Eddie to commune. The table held so many memories, your first kiss, which coincidentally was with each other during freshman year, the initials that you and him had carved there sophomore year, on your one year anniversary. To say you adored this place and the man that was currently located there was an understatement.

“Oh thank fuck,” he huffed out, dramatically dropping his head but opening his arms towards you as if he was offering you a grand sacrifice. “Missed you so much.” Eddie’s words were a little muffled as he finally was able to get a good hold of you, making you giggle with how swiftly he pulled you towards him, his cheek pressing right to your stomach as he hugged you close to him. “Aw baby.” you cooed, bringing him closer to you and rubbing his shoulders, the tension in his body slowly melting away as you worked his muscles, the palms of your hands cupping the sides of his neck to make him look up at you, pretty little coffee colored eyes winking at you as he smiled lazily. You leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead, then his nose and jokingly avoiding his lips as you kissed his chin last.

“You know, not giving your boyfriend a kiss is a felony.” he whined, puckering his lips up at you as he gave your body a squeeze. His words drew a miniscule, breath laced laugh from your throat, your boyfriend’s dramatic antics always having a special part in your heart. “Hm, damn, maybe I should give him a kiss, don’t really feel like going to court.” you winked, finally letting your neck fall to meet his pink lips. Kissing Eddie was something you never got used to, even 5 years after you made it official it still never registered just how beautiful it felt. His mouth working against yours, tongue peaking out to swipe at your lip from time to time.  

“I have this deal and then Hellfire tonight. I can drop by and spend the night if you want? I was thinking maybe we could, I dunno have a day to ourselves tomorrow.” Eddie’s soft words lulled your eyes closed, relishing in the feeling of being together, seeing as majority of the week you had seen very little of each other. The idea was appealing, you had been talking about going to a good little store a few towns over, the idea that you could maybe find a few good posters or maybe some good cassettes to listen to painting a little grin on your face. “I’ll pick you up, yeah? I got a few things to drop off for Wayne.” the easy smile on your lips broke when you heard the rustle of some leaves, the unmistakable crunch of some thin twigs announcing the entrance of a girl you had….mixed feelings for.

Your neck cranes upwards, a small sigh mixed with an annoyed groan leaving your lips as you reach for the blunt that's neatly placed behind your ear, your fingertips grasping a hold of the paper as the other hand reaches to your jean’s back pocket for your lighter.

“Um…I’m sorry if this is a bad time. I can come back!” Eddie’s hand leaves you a little too quickly for your liking, both of you stepping to the opposite sides as you place the rolled up plant between your lips, your dominant hand flicking to spark up the lighter and encinerate the opposite end of the small cylinder, while the other reaches up to cup around the small flame that sizzles as it begins to burn the tail end of your blunt.

“No, no you’re fine you’re fine.” Eddie’s words are quick, that hint of nervousness that you’ve come to pick up from his voice so easily spotted as you shoot him a slight glare. But his eyes are trained on the small blonde that’s before both of you, her thin, cheerleader uniform clad frame almost looking pathetic between the two of you, who so similarly shared styles. It didn’t take a genius to feel the tension, especially when Chrissy Cunningham looked like a trembling squirrel, her hands clasped right above her abdomen as she nervously shifted the weight of her body between her feet.

“I’ll see you back at the trailer Eds.” you mumbled, shooting Chrissy a neutral look as to not scare her and with your words so did a puff of white smoke trail out, huffing to get most of it out before inhaling again and walking off. It’s not that you wanted to be bitchy with her, but something about Chrissy’s willingness to stick by absurdities while presenting the image of a soft, kind girl didn’t sit right with you. It didn’t help that you had previously worked for her father, who albeit better than her mother was no angel himself.

~

Back in Eddie’s trailer you bid Wayne goodbye, making sure he had a good helping of food for his break. “Thank you for the food kiddo.” he smiled, before making his way to his truck and shortly after exiting the trailer park. It warmed your heart that he had been so gracious of you, being like your father figure for all these years that you had known the Munson’s. You knew he reciprocated the feelings too, many a drunk night confessing to you through slurs that he couldn’t pick a better girl to be with his Eddie, that he was so glad the kid had found something so real so early.

But your blissful thoughts were interrupted by the hard to miss roar of Eddie’s beat up old van, the shaky motor rumbling through the park and the faint sound of music that absolutely blared from his speakers. You could hear his van park in the front, high fiving yourself for having taken the spot in the back of the trailer to make sure he didn’t accidentally run over a poor racoon trying to get behind. Your mind shifted smilingly, knowing that you had a pretty fun night planned, even if it really only meant sitting in your pjs and ordering a gigantic pizza and wings. But as long as Eddie was there, it didn’t matter. A night with him and the promise of a date tomorrow after so much time was what kept you on your toes for the entire evening and now that he was home you could finally put away any worries of what the week had brought.

However your giddiness was short lived, when you looked up only to meet the reluctant entrance of the one and only Chirssy Cunningham, your boyfriend pushing her right along as he closed the door, only pausing when he met your fuming gaze.

He looked like a deer in head lights, his dumb brown eyes popping wide open as he froze for a sec, his hand stiff on Chrissy’s shoulder, the leverage he’d been using to push her inside so they wouldn’t bump into eachother. Eddie’s other hand was still on the door knob, even if the door was already closed. Chrissy, on the other hand, looked as if she’d shit her little mini cheerleader skirt any time now, knowing that this wasn’t a good look for the boy behind her. Coming home late at night, dragging inside some girl that he didn’t really have any business being around, his girlfriend of god knows how many years sitting on the couch with a beer and no context as to why said cheerleader was being ushered into her boyfriend’s home.

You couldn’t help the boiling rage that was now seething from deep inside your chest cavity, your fingers gripping the bottle’s neck so fucking tight that you thought you might just break the whole thing. There was a small tremble that suddenly overtook your body, the need to hit something or maybe yell obscenities at the two stunted figures before you rising with every passing moment. What was he doing with her? What were they doing in his trailer? Why so late at night? You weren’t normally a jealous person, but something about Chrissy in the living room that you had previously been the only constant feminine figure in was starting to make your hands and fingers itch.

But you just slammed the beer bottle right down on the floor picking up your keys in a swift motion and rising from the sofa, your feet stomping through the small hallway that leads to Eddie’s room and the back exit of the trailer. It wasn’t fair, you knew that trying to start something would just end with you beating the poor blonde to a pulp in the middle of the Munson’s living room. Either way, your relationship was at risk, the thought that Eddie might throw it all away…nearly 6 years of being each other’s lovers. For someone like Chrissy Cunningham?

Next thing you knew you slammed the door behind you, your keys eagerly being pushed into its designated hole as you gripped the wheel maliciously, ignoring the burn in your eyes and the tremor of your arms as you immediately roared out of the park, without care that your car hadn’t had a time to start up. You didn’t know what was worse, the fact that you nearly ran over too many bikes while speeding away into the night and towards your old hideout, or the fact that even if you didn’t see it, you knew.

Eddie didn’t even follow you out. 

-

Hey guys, so sorry for being inactive for this past week, my schedule got kinda hectic and i currently have 30+ works in progress (which include your requests) thanks for being patient! 

[freshairforrabbits]

any anti-problematic community/"problematic" community itself

i think only in cat pictures srry

Oh my god, I love all your cat pictures ❤️😂 and shit, yeah, to be fair they can totally both look like the cats on the left, I have witnessed some things in my wonky wobbly time on the Internet. But the people simply enjoying art and enjoying their friends art without shaming them for what they read, create, or find creative satisfaction in are truly the best ❤️ the right picture is how human creation should be; not a competition, not a moral grandstanding, but like coming around a table to share and indulge in each other's cooking, loving brewed teas, and passing big bowls and plates of food around-- deciding if something is to their taste and if not, they happily pass it over to someone who would enjoy it far more rather than decide it shouldn't be enjoyed by anyone at all because cranberry sauce is too bitter and icky for them.

We were meant to share and support each other, not walk on eggshells and virtue signal to our so-called friends that Look! Look! We're the Good Ones. People are going to hate you for pretty much anything you do, someone out there will hate you for the smallest, innocuous thing, they'll think you're horrible and awful and undeserving for just existing, so the best you can do is prop up your friends, even their artistic interests you don't understand, even the ways in which you can't figure out how they can stomach certain storylines. It's not productive to try and understand everything and everyone. It's not productive to train yourself to have knee jerk reactions to certain words, to be hyper vigilant of every miniscule detail, of trying to weed out Us from Them when the lines blur so fucking much. When I know for a fact people who condemn works like mine are the very ones to read them, to read my fiction and claim it's somehow a cut above the rest, that it does it all "right"-- which it doesn't, it's not, it's ugly and raw and it feels slimy and unproductive to know people hold stories like pretty boy snuff film up against others.

And in the same breath it's not productive to allow your triggers or discomforts to dictate the decisions of others (insert all of groupthink throughout history and today here).

I hope for people to one day be able to have the image on the right and that they move away from friends who would stab them in the back given half the chance. I hope that the people who read my fics and enjoy them and discuss them with their friends, who have to be so, so careful about what they say and feel as if they're being watched, stalked, and made to curb their most honest reactions and feelings– I hope they too find people who will let them speak openly and without fear of unfounded retaliation.

I hope for everyone to be able to share themselves wholly and completely, their darkest works and their thoughts included; how else are we gonna learn to grow and shape ourselves, y'know? How else can we learn to relate with others without being honest with ourselves.

Get freaky with it. And find people who support your work for you, not for the act of doing it all good or right, but for doing it bad and not giving a fuck. For fucking up grammar, for fucking up spelling, for getting gross and weird and wrong and complicated. For feeling safe and secure in your ability to create and your ability to share as you were meant to.

There are people out there; you don't gotta stick with assholes who'd sell you for a corn chip and some Purity Points. Keep looking and keep making ❤️

[rosewantstowrite]

Dreamlamd

Chapter 2

Today felt different. I was sitting in a library waiting for Aidan, it was late but since my mom was friends with the people who run this library I gotta stay after closing hours, so I thought me and Aidan could spend time here by ourselves, well beside the janitor. I was dressed in a black lace dress with a rose pattern corset with heel boots, bold red lips and soft brown make up color scheme, a blue stone ring, and my favorite necklace that Aidan give me after what he called it "our third date" he was so goofy and thoughtful, and just overall a really great guy, if I wasn't dealing with a break up I would have kissed him until I couldn't breath, but that might've ended up bad for everyone. It's been a month since I actually saw him. During the first meeting I gave him my phone number after he walked me home, but we kept in contact through phone calls, texts, or FaceTime. The third time, we were at the vegan place we met at which was past closing time but the owners let us stay, he saw me drawing a random thing and he teased me about how I'm an awful artist. I just gave him the finger, but laughed with him. I shut my sketch book and looked at him before smirking. I got up, pulling his seat out enough and straddle his lap as he put his hands on my waist as he give me his devilishly dangerous smirk, his piercing green eyes were darkening over with lust, I squirm in his lap which I accidentally brush my clothed core against his semi hard bulge causing him to tighten his grip on me and let out a soft hiss. I look away shyly and embarrassed, I know I shouldn't want to feel him on top of me, to feel his hand wrapped around my throat, to feel him use me as his personal fuck toy since I craved his touch, to have fire burn my skin from his touches. But I only known him for a month, but still I couldn't help it, the thought of it made me feel needy and the needy feelings started to travel south into my very core, I was had gotten up to go to the bathroom to fix my problem when I heard Aidan's voice screaming my name which had made my core begin to soak my underwear, I bite my lip to gather my thoughts and to pushed back my need for him. I turn around and give him a very small smile.

"Why are you up for, when you know I'm coming?" He asked before he gasp left his mouth and a worried expression took upon his face. I suddenly felt guilty. "Am I that late that you were going to leave me y/n? I didn't mean-" I cut him off by giggling and holding up my hand. "Aidan, you're not late, I was just going to the bathroom, I had a lot of water since I was here an hour early because I wanted to get a booth far away from everyone." I half lied, it was true that I got here an hour early, and that I had lots of water, but I didn't need to go to the bathroom yet, I just needed to relieve my aching in my core that he had caused, but before I turn to go to the bathroom, I took in his outfit, he had on a white button down shirt with a enough buttons undone to show off his chest some, with skinny jeans that hugs him perfectly, he was wearing his typical necklace, his watch and a jacket, if I wasn't feeling my juices pooling in between my legs; it is now, I look at his eyes and I thought I saw him staring at my lips than to my outfit than look me in the eyes again which I swore I could feel the wetness in my underwear increased because his once bright eyes had darken over with a look I know all too well, the look in his eyes was lust, he was staring at me if I was his next meal and it making me even more needy, I needed release right now, I look away shyly and shifted my weight from one foot to the other, I clear my throat and look at him. "I really need to use the bathroom, I'll be back Aidan, my stuff is in the far corner you can go and sit there." I said in a hurry and ran towards the bathroom, but I didn't realize that Aidan was following me. But as I was closing the door a foot stopped it.

I gulped hoping it wasn't Aidan, but to both my surprise and horror it was the devil himself, I stepped back so he wouldn't hit me with the door if he opened it. "Y/n I'm coming in." I heard the raspy voice of his, it sent a shiver down my back and straight through my core. I gasped when I felt more juices leaking, I pressed my legs together to feel pressured. "A-Aidan don't come in, seriously, I-I need to use the bathroom." I stuttered out but he pushed it open fully so he could come in, he shut the door before turning to the door and locking it so no one would interrupt us, as he walked towards me, I keep backing up, not in fear of him doing anything that I would hate him for, but out of fear if I start this I'd never stop and ask him to take me until I'm complete fucked throughly that I can't think or could only make noises. I gasped when my back hit the sink, I placed my hands on it to keep my legs stable because my knees are growing weaker the closer my personal sex demon was creeping up on me, I gulped and tighten my grip on the sink when Aidan stopped in between my legs, he look at me hungrily, he cups my cheek with one hand and the other one was on my waist, he leans in to my ear, whispering seductively: "You have no idea how I much I've dreamt about this, me in between your legs, you under my control, especially after the fucking stunt on our third time hanging out, leaving me with a hard on, so now I'm going to make it even by making you take your punishment like the good little slut you are for daddy, now are you?" He asked but when he called himself daddy made my knees buckles and if it wasn't the fact that I was being held up by him, I would have fallen to my knees, I squirm and try to create pressure against my core, but Aidan noticed and he smirked, he put his thigh in between my legs and pressed up to give me relief as he rubbed his thigh against my clothed core.

I gasped out and clung to him and tilted my head back as I felt him kiss my neck, automatically finding my sweet spot. I moaned his name which made him growled and slapped my ass. "That's not my fucking name princess, maybe I should leave you here as your punishment instead of fucking you like I've want." He taunted me and I quickly shook my head. "No daddy please, I'm sorry, please don't leave." I begged, which seemed to do the trick because now he's untying my corset, letting it fall, next thing to come off was my dress, I was now only in my bra and underwear, he stood up and licked his lips, he undo his belt and smirk. "Turn around and put your hands behind your back princess." He muttered against my back, I did as I was told and I felt my hands being bonded. "Now turn around and get on your knees." He growled out, and I did.

I shot up in my bed, turning on the light, looking around, I looked to the spot next to me to see I was alone. Right, Bella left this morning, I sigh and laid back down before I felt something wet in between my legs, I growled and grabbed my phone to see it was 3 am, I sigh and push the blanket off of me and grabbed my vibrator and slip my underwear and bra off, tossing them in the dirty laundry hamper. I turn on my toy, but before I could do much more I heard a male voice, I got up and grabbed my robe before grabbing a weapon, I walked around my apartment, but not seeing anyone I walked back to my room and got naked again and placed the vibrator in my mouth to get it wet while one hand messed with my clit, I moan against the vibrator but stop hearing the male voice, but this time it was clear. "Y/n go faster, you want to please daddy don't you?" I heard in my head, I gasped and took the toy out of my mouth, that was Aidan. Damn, he sounds so fucking sexy, I hum and put the toy on my clit, mentally crying out for him. "Oh daddy, this feels really good, I want you in me." I didn't expect to hear anything more but I was proven wrong. "Finger yourself." For some reason I listened to who I expected to be Aidan, I ran my fingers down my body before slipping a finger inside of me, my moan was in pure happiness, I started to go slow as I brought the vibrator to my clit making me moan loudly. I mentally cursed, earning me a gasp in my head, it looked like Aidan finally heard me. I smirked even though he couldn't see it, I slipped another finger in my entrance, I moaned out his name. "Daddy, I wish you were here." I muttered in my head causing a chuckle to be heard, I squirmed around as I felt the familiar knot tighten in my stomach. I kept mentally begging for him to let me cum, but he kept saying hold it, I whined and turned my toy down. "Okay princess, come for me, scream my name so everyone knows who you belong to." I heard that I turned up my toy and placed it on my clit as I shove two fingers in me curling them to hit my g spot, I cried out and came undone after a few minutes as I heard him praise in my head, I panted heavily.

"I want to talk more but I need to clean up and then go to bed again, so goodnight my stranger." I smiled at his words even though he couldn't see me and grabbed my underwear that's clean than walked towards the closet that held my toys and the cleaning solution before cleaning it and put everything away, though I looked at the toys and run my hand down the whip, humming out as I took in the beauty, I walked back to my bed, I crawled into the bed and going back to sleep, I closed my eyes dreaming about what it be like to actually have sex with Aidan, I curl up into a ball and slip into the best dream ever.

In the morning I heard my phone went off, I groan and grabbed my phone to see it was Nikki, seeing if I wanted to go shopping with her, Bella, and Lily, I sighed and imagine it, long hours going store to store buying too much stuff or lay in bed watching Netflix, I then heard his voice again. "Go to the mall with your friends, I'll talk to you before bedtime." I sighed and texted her saying that I was in, I got up and put my phone down before walking towards the full length mirror to see that all the hickies were all gone, I smiled and walked towards my closet that wasn't my toy closet and look at my clothes, I decided to go with a plain white crop top, with a black leather jacket, my rip skinny jeans and my heels, I put on a hat and grabbed my purse, I grabbed my phone to see that we're meeting at the mall, so I walked towards the door before grabbing my keys and I'm off to the mall, the traffic wasn't bad this time, but it's still LA, I turn on music and jam out, I hum quietly as I drove to the meeting place, I found a good parking spot and got out. I walked up to my girlfriends and hugged them. "God I missed you all, beside Bella, she was with me last night." I laughed as everyone but Bella pulled a face. "We didn't do it. I just needed company during this whole break up thing." I explain which made everyone slumped their shoulders.

"You were too good for her y/n, you deserve someone who wouldn't treat you the way she did. I can hook you up with someone who will treat you right." Nikki said while I scrunch up my face, I shook my head. "No thank you, I'm not up for a blind date and I totally don't need more weird dreams about meeting and talking to people, I've been there and done that, I already had two dreams and the last one was more than I can handle." I was cut off by Bella's concerned look. "What do you mean by 'more than you can handle' so something did happen in it?" Bella arched her brow and leaned into my personal space, which made me lean backwards and begin to chew on my lip, gnawing on it until I tasted iron in my mouth. "Tell me right now, did something happen in your dream?" It wasn't said in a question more as a demand. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, I backed up fully so I could stand up straight, running my hand through my hair. "Fine, I had two dreams about this really cute guy who looked to be 18 or 19, I know I'm 20 but he's legal so I can dream about him, his name is Aidan but I didn't get his last name." I sighed and smiled to myself, touching my neck as if I was wearing the beautiful necklace that Aidan had given me, but I kept explaining to them. "My first dream was us meeting, I just walked into my favorite vegan place, Vela asked how Gaberella is and I told her that she cheated on me with a man no less, she told me she was strictly lesbian but I saw her bouncing on some guy dick like it was some toy. Then I heard Vela whistled and said that whoever entered the place was her favorite customer, then he sat down beside me, and we introduced ourselves, his name is Aidan, and we ordered our food. I got my regular, earl gray and doughnut and he ordered a black coffee." I trail off but Lily gave me a glare that was saying she wanted to know more so I sighed and ran a hand through my hair.

"His eyes are a pretty shade of green, they could pierce through my soul with the utmost intensity you could have ever been on the end of. He got plump lips that look so kissable, his hair looks so soft and luscious, he got these dimples, and his jawline could cut through paper—" I was cut off when Bella nudged me to stop rambling and get on with the story. "Right right, anyway, we talked for a while, I ate most of his fries and he kept swatting away my hand, since I couldn't just grab them anymore I gently kicked him underneath the counter and shoved a hand full of fries in my mouth, than after a while he said it was getting dark and asked if he should walk me home and I let him, and when I said yes he kissed my cheek but disappeared and that's when Bella woke me up to tell me I should audition for whatever movie happening and I should start up my own YouTube channel." I shrugged as we piled into my car even though we came separately, but my car had enough room for everyone. I turn on the radio and play some Nathan Sharp, but Nikki turns it off and looks at me. "Tell us about your second dream because I know it's not like the last one by how you walked to us, you had a blissful look on your face like you just had an orgasm before coming to meet us." Nikki said while Lily and Bella nodded their heads with a hum of agreement. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair once more, I looked at everyone before returning my gaze to the road, subconsciously squeezing my thighs together. "Bella, one snarky comment from you no more bonding time, as for you two," I pointed at both Nikki and Lily. "Make fun of me and I'll kick you guys out." I threatened and everyone just nodded in agreement. I sighed and stopped when I found a close parking stop that was close enough to the entrance.

"Come on y/n, tell us now or we will keep bugging you and have Bella punish you." Lily huffed out as I scoffed. "Let's get lunch first and I'll tell you about the dream." I said and walked towards the food court, I looked to my side, seeing Bella had her thinking face on, so I pulled her behind Nikki and Lily, I gripped Bella's hand and laced my fingers with hers. "Bella, what's going on inside of your head." I asked as she looked at me in the eyes as she forced us to stop walking, I arched a brow, she licked her lips. "Look, I know this is strictly physical and no string attached, but I don't know if I can keep doing this, not because it's bad but I love you Y/n l/n, I want to be more but I have a feeling your second dream will give me this answer, but maybe we can try being together?" Her voice was timid and I felt my already shattered heart shattered even more. "Look Bella,I love you, you're the best thing to happen to me, but you're my closest friend and I don't feel the same, ever since I've been dreaming about Aidan I didn't feel comfortable with keep messing around, it's not fair for you, you need to find someone who'll love you for you, I do that already but more in best friends way." I trail off before she grabs my hand and frowns. "Have you met him yet?" She asked with hope in her eyes. I shook my head as a response. "Then we can be together until then, or at least keep filling each other's needs, I don't want to stop." She pleaded with me with tears in her eyes, guilt washes over me and I remove my hand from hers, cupping her cheek, giving her a very sad and guilty smile.

"Bella, we can't. Not anymore, I'm sorry but we need to end this, for our friendship, when we started out, it was heavenly and magical, but now I think. . . I think I found my soulmate, because I dreamt about him last night, then I woke up hearing his voice in my head. I'll tell you everything in the dream and what happened this morning in depth with the others. I love you but this can't keep happening." I said as tears were running down our cheeks, I bit my lip and looked down ashamed. "I'm sorry." Was all I could choke out, but I felt a pair of arms around me and I smelt the familiar scent. I smiled weakly and hugged her back. "I understand, I guess I should have been prepared when this moment would eventually come, when you find someone to heal your soul better than I can." I heard her voice crack and I mentally cursed and cupped her cheeks. "You were the best damn thing to ever happen to me after what the lying slut did to me, you given me support, fuck me until I couldn't feel the pain or think anything but the pleasure you had given me, I can't thank you enough for that. I'll always love you and give you everything you need but not in sexual way anymore because I think I did find my soulmate, I heard him when I woke up at 3 am after the dream I had about him which I'll tell you with the others but it might hurt you because you wants more." I explained as I looked into her eyes, her eyes which were usually a bright blue were dull, I frowned softly and kissed her cheek. "You'll find someone better. Someone you can hear in your head." I said and pulled her to the table where Nikki and Lily were sitting already gotten our food, I sat beside Bella.

"What took you two so long, were you guys making out again?" Nikki teased but stopped when she saw how sad Bella was, she turned to me with a serious case of mom face. "I told her we couldn't keep this up, that I heard my soulmate in my head when I woke up the first time at 3 am, I told her I love her but not the way she needed, because what I'm about to say might hurt her more but you guys want me to tell you right?" All three of them nodded their heads, I sighed softly as I tried to mentally prepare myself but I heard Aidan's small encouragement, I smiled before looking at them fully. "Okay, you already know my last dream about Aidan, this dream was more steamy, I pretty much was dreaming about how he was teasing about my sketching, so I decided to tease him, than it skipped a month ahead and I was beginning to think over everything and in the dream I was getting wetter and he screamed my name to get my attention, I told him I needed to go to the bathroom and I walked in but before I closed the door he come in and shut the door locking it before he got in between my legs, and oh god, his dirty talk, I felt so weak, he than put his thigh against my clothed clit and kiss my neck, I found out he has a daddy kink, he had me on my knees nothing but my underwear and bra, than I woke up, but it doesn't stop, I was wet so I grabbed a toy and I heard him, I did as he said, he kept calling himself daddy. So I was so turned on that I only lasted like ten minutes from how worked up I was from him, I need to meet him." I said before looking at Bella who put on a brave face but I could tell she was hurting, I sighed and placed a hand on her shoulder, she give me a smile that's was small, through her eyes held deep sadness and maybe even hatred, after eating and getting everything we wanted, we went back to my car and hop in, I drove where everyone met up at, I watch everyone leave, I say and drove home. Once I got home, I stepped in and shut the door before locking it, I started to strip to the bathroom.

I turn on the water for warm shower, I step in before Aidan's voice rang through my head, well it sounded like more of a needy whine, I smirk and leans against the wall of the shower, I kept listening in but before I could make a remark, I heard him saying: "stop being creep and talk to me or in our next shared dreams I'll make sure to actually fuck you this time." That sent shivers down your spine, so it wasn't just a dream it was a world you both are the stars, I chewed on my bottom lip and slipped a finger in me as I hear more and more needy moans, though it wasn't helping my case, I kept pumping my fingers in and out, in and out. Soon I felt the familiar knot, I began to rub my clit but stopped when I heard a growl, I whimpered. "Did I say you could touch yourself?" I smirk knowing he can't do anything so I resume my actions, before I knew it I was coming all over my fingers. I heard a low moan and a growl. "When I find you, I'm going to push you pass your limits since you didn't ask to touch yourself." Aidan said breathless, I smirked and walked towards my bedroom to fall asleep.

[edai-crplpnk]

hey! just wanted to say an extra thank you for the naruto stuff you've written. I apologize in advance for some of the wording here because uh. language stuff.

tbh, lots of the things you write I cannot stomach to casually read without extra mental preparation because it handles so many things that hit so close to the home that I genuinely reread every sentence over and over again, and it's like going through my own thoughts and memories and uncertainties every time I read your works. but like, you describe everything so fucking well. it's like you get deep into my brain and dig out everything that I couldn't have possibly put into words, but yet there they are, I'm reading it, you wrote that stuff, I'm... in awe. I just wanted to say thank you for your writing. many of your interpretations of nart characters is so close to me that I relate to them sm, not even just psychological shit but like. war bullshit and the way you seem to understand it and the like, I'm genuinely so amazed to read my own thoughts laid out so well written by someone I don't know?? you are amazing, keep doing what you're doing, and thank you once more. I'm rooting for you!!

Thank you for your message, it means a lot 💓

I know for me it's really not always easy to be sure when I read "sensitive" fiction if it's like "this is challenging but also it's doing me some good and it's nice feeling less alone and putting words on stuff even if it can feel intense and painful at times" or more "reading this is self-harm I'm triggering myself on purpose for a bad reason". It's way easier now but definitely it's been an issue for me when I first started reading fanfiction, so I'm glad to hear you try and find the good mindset to read my works (even if I know it's far from a foolproof process). It's work to figure out one's boundaries, and take care of oneself. Kudos to you for tackling it!

Writing for me is a lot like what you say, I think. It's an exercise of taking an instinctive feeling and breaking it down and dissecting it until I feel like I understand how the mechanics inside work and maybe I can explain it. A lot of my writing process is telling my boyfriend "I don't know how to make the character do this/how this character feels about this/if this character would do this or rather that" and then talking to myself for 3k words and ending by "oh I guess I do get it now" haha.

There's a piece from Pierre Reverdy that I like a lot about what art is that goes "The artistic shock is of a different nature than the shock of ideas, which bring from the outside something that we didn't know and now learn, it is the revelation of something that we already had in us, and only lacked the words to tell it to ourselves."

I love when people say things like what you say here, because I think it's fundamentally what writing is to me. It's how writing makes me feel for myself, how it helps me process a lot of things often, and it's very precious when I get to know that it's what it feels for some others too.

Anyway, thank you again for your lovely message. We're in this together!

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #151

Regular or curly fries? Eh, no opinion, really. I will say curly fries are less likely to be too hard and crunchy, though. I like soft fries.

Popsicles or ice cream? Ice cream for sure, I'm not a massive popsicle person, but I'll eat them.

Are school dances lame? Haha I went to two proms and I can confidently tell you they're overrated and you can't hear a damn thing over the music. The experience was still fun each time though.

Do you own a nightgown? No, I haven't since I was a child.

If you have younger siblings, are you very protective of them? To a reasonable degree, I think.

If you have older siblings, are they very protective of you? I don't know, Ashley's never been very expressive of it if she is.

Is there a lake near your house? No.

Have you ever tried cocaine? No, I will never go near that.

Consumed alcohol in the past 24 hours? Nah, been a while since I've had alcohol.

When is the next time you will kiss someone? Whenever I see Girt again, I'm sure.

Did the last person you touched lips with have a kid? No, but he does call Roman "son" and it's adorable lol

Do your hipbones protrude? oh trust me, they don't but wish they subtly did.

What did you last get forced into doing? uh not sure

Do you have a gay uncle? No.

Do you like ice cream cake? I've actually never been big on ice cream cake. Like it's fine sometimes, but true cake is so much better.

What is the exact time that you were born? Supposedly 11:30 AM.

Do hospitals freak you out? Not neeeaaarly as much as they used to, just from the experience of going so many times. I don't like them though, and going inside one does give me minor anxiety still.

What about cemeteries at night? I've never been in a cemetery at night, but I'm quite certain it wouldn't scare me at all.

Do you ever feel guilty after you masturbate? The extremely few times I did it, yes, because of primarily 1.) social stigma of women doing that, and then 2.) stigma of fat people doing it. I also grew up thinking it wasn't okay to do, and even though I haven't thought that in a very, very long time now, it was so deeply instilled that it wasn't easily ignored.

What is the most you have ever weighed? ugh I don't even really wanna share this, but my highest was 290-something pounds. I'm rather far from that now, but still too much for me and it makes me hate my body.

What do you think of feminism? It's fucking mandatory, but NOT to the point of misandry; there are absolutely radicals that give feminism an awful name.

Have you ever done anything sexual with the same sex? Yes.

Girls, how old were you when you first learned how to put in a tampon? Uh I want to say family life class (basically sex ed) in the 4th or 5th grade; 5th grade we learned about actual sex, but 4th was about our own body parts, but I feel like we girls were only shown pads? No one ever really showed me how to do it, it just kinda came naturally when I'm assuming I read the box, I really don't recall when I initially changed from pads to tampons. I DO remember I was afraid of putting it up my urethra if that tells you how fucking shitty our school was about familiarizing ourselves with our bodies thoroughly.

Have you ever been to Canada? No, but I'd love to.

What would you do if an old man grabbed your ass? Slap the shit out of him.

Do you like mustaches? No opinion, they look great on some people and then there's the guys that just look like a straight-up predator with them, but ultimately you do whatever the hell you want with your body hair.

Did you like the Spice Girls when you were little? I did.

Have you ever seen a dead body in person? Yeah, at a wake.

Have you ever seen The Goonies? Yes, but I don't remember it well.

Do you like your hair pulled? I am very doubtful I would enjoy this.

Have you ever experienced unrequited love? Yeah, at least post-breakup, he did love me once.

Have you ever dreamt about your crush/significant other? Yeah.

Did you play with kids in your neighborhood when you were little? Just one. Well, my older sister had a friend she would play with, but I didn't.

Did you have a security blanket/stuffed animal you always slept with? Yes, at first it was a baby bunny holding a polka-dotted blanket but eventually became a stuffed moose I named Brownie.

What was your favorite childhood TV show? Pokemon.

Movie? The Lion King, and later and probably more intensely Finding Nemo.

What do you feel is the best source of venting sorrow or anger? Writing. Other artistic creations as well.

Can the future be predicted? I don't believe so, no, other than very obvious cases of cause and effect; for example, it's easy to predict what climate change is going to do, but I don't believe you can predict like, winning the lottery or some shit.

Are there a lot of seagulls where you live? Not a lot, but they do exist regularly, which is strange because we live like, two hours from the beach. They seem to be most prevalent in large parking lots for some reason, lol.

What is your favorite manga series? Never read manga, not interested.

Do you know anyone who wears hijab? Not personally, no.

Ever been to a desert? No, but it's a major goal of mine to visit the Kalahari Desert someday, and hopefully more of Africa.

What is your favorite kind of cracker? Cheez-Its.

Can you name a single song by Billy Joel without looking it up? I can name quite a few, but my favorite is probably "Uptown Girl." I grew up hearing him because my dad is a fan, Mom hates him though haha.

Do you wish life functioned more similarly to video games, such as having a save file that you could return to after you make a mistake & therefore you could erase that from happening & start over anew? Eek, not too sure about "save files," as appealing as it sounds on the surface it would take away the real meaning of experiencing life, and I'm sure we would also get very obsessed with going back and correcting every single tiny thing we slipped up on.

Do you like regular peppermint candy canes, or do you prefer different flavored ones [fruits, bubble gum, cinnamon, etc.]? I really like the Starburst-flavored ones.

Do you have any Facebook friends that have profile pictures of someone/something other than themselves? Yeah, I'm sure I do.

Was the last person you hung out with single? No, he's in a relationship with me.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? I am very, very grateful I haven't been.

Do you like drinking diet sodas? No, diet sodas are awful to me.

Have you ever cooked for anyone other than yourself? Yes, as a teen I used to make cheesy scrambled eggs in a way my family really liked, which was honestly just hot sauces from Taco Bell and then salt and pepper lol, they were really good though; my older sister went to Taco Bell a lot so we almost always had a stock of the hot sauces.

Who was the last person that cried in your presence? My mom, I think.

Is there anyone of the opposite sex you trust fully? Girt.

Do you have big eyes or small eyes? Neither, I think. I'd say they're pretty proportional, but I'd LIKE big eyes, they're cute as hell. Well, I suppose it's something I would probably be self-conscious of IF I had them because I'm sure I'd worry I looked bug-eyed or something... ya always want what you don't have, I guess.

Do you or anyone you know have a lazy eye? Yes, I even think I slightly do.

Do you wear eyeshadow often? If so, what colors? IF I ever wear eyeshadow, it's always black.

Have you ever had pink eye before? No.

Name some sights that are appealing to you. Especially grand, attractive landscapes like mountains, waterfalls, desert dunes, foggy woods, etc., as well as gems of all kinds, moss, cool mushrooms, obviously flowers, big or unique trees, snail's shells and conch shells, fossils, amber as well as diaphonized specimens, jellyfish, outer space (I DESPERATELY want to go somewhere like in a desert with no light pollution where I can see the stars perfectly at night!!), really clear water (especially the ocean when it's like aquamarine!), colorful sunsets and sunrises, eclipses and the full moon, snow (especially the flakes in macro lenses!), fire... just nature, dude. You can't find better appealing sights. Also wanna mention I love those little sparklers that you can hold in your hand, you get 'em with fireworks and they're probably the only kind I condone with how tiny and undisruptive they are.

Do you enjoy watching 3D movies, or do the glasses give you a headache? I haven't watched many at all, but I do enjoy it.

Do you get dizzy, have blurred vision, or vertigo often? I get very dizzy when I stand because I have naturally low blood pressure that is made even lower by the meds I have to take for my nightmares.

How often did you used to get ear infections as a child? So regularly that I had to get tubes put in my ears before I was even two. I've been told they were probably so regular because of how tiny my ears are, lol. Doctors still point it out.

What are some sounds that are pleasant to your ear? I LOVE the sound of water, especially when it's quietly moving in like a small creek or even just moving yourself through a pool, windchimes, fire crackling, violins, electric guitars, flutes and piccolos, harps, pianos/organs, birdsong, bells (especially big ones like church bells), and I'm sure it's partially pure bias, but I really do love listening to meerkats chatter. Man this question and the one about pleasant sights made me really happy, I liked focusing on it and thinking. <3

Do you or anyone you know have an auditory processing issue? Yes, literally me; it wasn't until a few years ago that I even learned it was a thing, but ever since childhood, I often hear what's just indistinguishable sound in my ears, like it doesn't make words, just pure sound, and I've always been extremely self-conscious of it because I very often have to ask people to repeat themselves, ESPECIALLY in loud environments, and I've also noticed I'm more prone to doing it when I'm anxious about me doing it.

Do you have a large, medium, or small nose? Smaller, but not super small.

What are some of the best smells, in your opinion? Ohhhhh bread products above all, ESPECIALLY freshly baked, like that is THE best, and I also particularly love cinnamon rolls. The smell of coffee is fantastic, and I enjoy the smell of flowers like lilacs and honeysuckle. Vanilla is nice and subtle.

Do you grind your teeth at night in your sleep? No.

Have you ever lost your voice before? If so, when was the last time? Yes; the last time was when I had Covid.

How frequently do you experience dry mouth? Literally constantly, as a side effect of probably MOST of my meds, so this shit stacks. It's fucking awful.

Who was the last person to kiss your cheek? I'm sure it was Girt.

Do your cheeks get extra red in any of the following instances: sickness/fever, drinking alcohol, cold/windy weather, embarrassment, or infatuation? I know my face gets red with alcohol, very quickly, and I definitely do against cold and windy weather too, but I thought everyone did with that. I probably get red when embarrassed too just with how severely I experience embarrassment. I'm not sure about the two others, but I would not put it past my face turning red with romantic butterflies, but no one's ever pointed it out.

Has anyone ever slapped you across the face before? If so, what was the reason? No, not the face.

Do you have any scars on your face? On my chin.

Would you ever consider getting a facelift or Botox? I very much doubt it.

[a-shared-experience]

With the 7 of wands we see a fighter energy. Someone who’s standing their ground to protect their territory. Someone who’s defending themselves and perhaps struggling to maintain their position. The 7 of swords reversed is about having a heavy conscious, dying to confess something , regrets and revealing truths. It’s setting down the swords you thought protected you but only worked to harm yourself and others. There’s wrong doings that have taken place and all you want is to turn things around, quit playing love games and come together with someone who you haven’t always had the best intentions with. It’s not easy to carry the weight of dishonesty around all the time. It’s the weight of the secret, the shame, the guilt, heartache, regret, remorse. It eats you up every single day that you allow it to live within. The ways in which we don’t express ourselves becomes something darker when left in the dark. We all make mistakes, act out of character or integrity and can even be downright fucking awful to ourselves and others. On a human level - there’s compassion for wrong doings as long as the lessons are being learned and changes being made. Often it’s the shitty aspects of ourselves which truly lead us to the beautiful parts of our persona. Though the 7 of swords reversal speaks of so badly desiring to do the right thing , the 8 of swords shows an inability to do so. It’s not that you are trapped or tied to such unfortunate circumstances, in fact this card implies that you could easily turn your back on what makes you unhappy and instead choose a path of happiness, pleasure and creativity. It’s that you choose to stay stuck , paralyzed with fear. We deny ourselves plenty of opportunities in love, career and life in general because of things we tell ourselves in our own minds. We tell ourselves we aren’t good enough, that it’s too hard, that we aren’t meant for greatness when in fact we absolutely are. One thing I have found is that when I badly need something in order to feel truly happy I have the ability to manifest it into my life. It wasn’t all that long ago that I was crying in my bedroom , feeling completely isolated and I prayed in desperation to be with my family. To remember what it felt like to be loved and accepted for who I am. I knew that the stress was far too much for me to continue on in such a manner and despite my credit card being over the limit I somehow was able to book the flights to get where I needed to be. My employer didn’t support my need for a break from stress despite the very physical ways it began to manifest itself in reality… pounding , throbbing headaches, inability to properly digest food, inability to sleep or sleeping too much, emotional fluctuations and frustration that couldn’t be caged.

At first glance I was even more stressed out but lately I realize that I manifested exactly what I needed and I’ve allowed myself to just enjoy the simple pleasures of each day while I’m here , before I return , before making major life decisions.

Sometimes we manifest our true desires and get confused when they present themselves in a slightly different way. When things don’t go exactly as planned and exist beyond our control. Sometimes I think that’s the most beautiful part . It’s easy to think we aren’t strong enough to hold it together, that change would be chaos instead of bliss … I guess you just have to trust the universe , trust the process and allow the next steps to reveal themselves. Maybe it won’t be the exact way you pictured it , but it will be exactly what you need. I hope if this resonates in any manner that you move beyond your own limitations, live in your truth and grow from your mistakes. You are fully capable of living the life you desire and finding your joy, even if it hurts a little at first.

[landofsomethingsomething]

It’s so god damn easy to tear people down. People do it every day. It’s simple, it’s satisfying, it’s cathartic, it feels like balm to people who have been wronged, to people who have suffered, to people who have to live their lives outside this virtual space in fear and in real danger, in abusive households and abusive communities and situations that do not foster kindness, empathy, or the extension of good faith toward strangers. Being able to lash out safely from behind a screen at people that are safe to lash out at and who feel like a source of your continuing oppression -- that’s novel, at first. It’s invigorating. It’s freeing. The ability to be angry, to say angry things, to express your hurt and rage at any number of nameless or unnamable things is so fucking seductive it’s no wonder so many lgbt+ people have spent time in that place, have had periods of their lives where they engaged in this behavior and said what they wanted and lashed out without thought and allowed others so similar to them to enable their behavior. 

It’s so easy to find lgbt+ people who are in pain. To take these people who are in pain and to give them targets. To mold young people and your peers and take advantage of their trauma (so like your own!) and whip it up, normalize it within your group, foster it on any number of available platforms. Focus it on whoever you deem deserving at any given time. Actions speak louder than words. Context is irrelevant. Dialogue is weak. Abusers are abusers are abusers, except when you’re the abuser, because the abuse you have suffered justifies your actions. Your abuse makes you relatable. Your abuse is more important, more valid, more meaningful, more deserving of the care and empathy of others regardless of your coping mechanisms. 

It’s so damn fucking easy to just say whatever you want on the internet. It’s so easy to paint a group with whatever paintbrush you like, because no one fact checks, no one cares about context, no one concerns themselves with nuance, no one views the words on the screen in front of them as coming from another human being with an entirely separate lived history full of its own tragedy and triumph and biases and triggers and needs and understanding and hard fucking learned lessons. 

We separate into teams and look for ways to score points against the other side. We make ourselves willfully ignorant so we don’t have to switch sides, or even better, remove ourselves from the game entirely. We busy ourselves with tearing our enemies down with unattainable standards, ignore our own hypocrisy, and look to our side to tell us we’re right, we’re right, this time we are right and we will not be silenced and we will not be bullied and we will not let them win. 

Our actual abusers don’t see any of it. They don’t care. They go on living their lives. We take our rage and our pain and our frustration out in arenas we understand, in the places we feel safe, and the people we lash out at are the people who should be our friends, our allies, our brothers and sisters and nonbinary siblings who have suffered so much in a world that denies our sexuality, denies our gender, denies our expression, denies our right to exist. 

We know our abusers won’t listen. We know our pain is nothing to them, a drop in a bucket. So we hurt the people that can’t help but listen, because our stories are so alike. 

I went through an angry phase. I spent a few years screaming at people I felt deserved it, too. Some of them did and some of them didn’t, and doing so brought me short term satisfaction and a deep sense of power that I had not experienced anywhere else. A deep resonance with my own identity that I was powerless to exhibit anywhere in my real life, because family is complicated, friends are the choir and speaking up about microaggressions at work gets queer people fucking fired every fucking day, and you need that god damn money to eat. to live. to pay for your fucking brain pills. 

So. 

When you have a platform and a fandom and you feel that thrill of being heard, finally -- I get it. 

But here’s the thing. 

Your abuse never justifies levying abuse on others, strangers, people whose context you do not know and whose stories you have not heard. 

Your emotions are valid. You are free to feel however you like. If you need to vent in private, among friends and colleagues and people you feel safe with, by all means. 

Your favorite characters and your favorite ships and your favorite relationships and your fanfiction and your fanart may be how you express yourself or vent or cope. Your Shit means different things to different people, and to some, it means nothing at all. Let it fucking go. Your shit is not the bar of lived experience other people in fandom must meet to be considered sufficiently oppressed to spare them your bullying. 

Your trigger and your context and your trauma is your own. It does not belong to anyone else. It is your responsibility to understand your limits and respect the rights of other creators, just as it is the responsibility of creators to properly tag and label their work to spare those whom it might upset the indignity of reliving their trauma within a space that is supposed to be safe for them. A space that for some may be the only safe space they have. A space that for some may be the only escape available to them. A space that, for some, may be the only way they can begin to express themselves, furtively, in stolen moments in an oppressive environment. 

Fandom is where so many of us found ourselves. It’s full of us, lgbt+ people in various life stages, expressing ourselves in communities dedicated to content that made us feel enough to find ourselves here in the first place. It’s where children currently are discovering labels for feelings they have never had the words to talk about before. It’s where adults go in the midst of their busy lives to contribute to a body of work motivated by nothing but emotion for the source, for the community, and/or for the hope of encouraging feedback from their peers, their fans, their heroes, all three. It’s where everyone goes and discovers there are people out there just like them, after all. 

It’s where people are picking their teams and suiting up and getting in line and hurting people just like them, every day. 

It’s where people are putting the feelings and wellbeing and sanctity and rights of fictional characters over those of actual human beings who committed the grave sin of enjoying a thing a different way, or for different reasons.

Fandom is full of amazing connection and moments I wouldn’t trade for the world. I wouldn’t be married to my amazing wife right now without it. But it’s also a battlefield in a bubble where I watch oppressed people tear each other apart every single day, while of course, in the meantime, outside the filmy fucking boundary between this world and the real one, the same privileged sorts continue to dominate every aspect of mainstream media, the white house is full of incompetent, hateful people, some of whom are literal nazis, white nationalists feel safe enough to wear swastikas on public transit in liberal epicenters, gay men in russia are being sent to death camps, the police are murdering people of color indiscriminately without fear of personal or professional consequence, the supreme court is one death or retirement away from setting back civil rights in the united states a century, trans people have to watch a nation of frightened pissbabies scream about the sanctity of public bathrooms while they themselves suffer from an increased rate of being literally fucking murdered simply for existing, gay teenagers ostracized from conservative families sleep homeless in the street with winter fast approaching, hurricanes devastate a dozen nations because this century has paved a political landscape where corporate profits prevail over basic human rights  -- and you know what, fuck it, let’s make it a little personal -- 

half my family has never acknowledged the fact that I have been married for a year because they don’t believe it is a legitimate marriage because I and my wife are both women, my wife and I went to the hairdresser the other day and when we checked in with the same last name we were asked if we were sisters (and upon clarifying, the woman who was to cut our hair loudly and incredulously gasped, “is that legal here?”), one of my best friends, a woman I have known since high school (that’s 17 years ago, for those keeping count) was told she would have to undergo a thorough and lengthy process via working with HR, her boss and the owner of her company before she could represent herself as her correct gender at work - and even after she jumped through all those hoops, she was told she was absolutely not allowed to use the women’s restroom under any circumstances - When I told my father about my engagement, he tearfully turned to me and said “but you’re supposed to marry a guy, and have babies” - and because this was my father, who I have always had a good relationship with despite remaining closeted most of my life, who I have always and still deeply love despite the shit that comes out of his mouth sometimes, who worked 12 hour days in construction to support me after divorcing my mother when he was nineteen years old - I actually fucking felt guilty. 

The memory of how I felt in that moment will follow me until I fucking die, and when I log on to this website at the end of the day and just want to fucking relax and spend time yammering about things I like with people who like those same things, when I just want to spend time in this space that makes me feel good, when I just want to create content for the joy of creating it and the joy of seeing others enjoy the thing I created -- the fucking last thing I want is to see myself, my wife, my close friends and fandom friends alike being put on blast by petty people leveraging a nebulous, ever-changing definition of purity, backed by a group of people I know have suffered and hurt and feel justified hurting others because of it. 

Fandom is where we go to escape the hellish fucking bullshit that is reality, for fuck’s sake.

I don’t fucking care who hurt you. Visiting pain upon others in the aftermath is your choice. Bullying others because a group of impressionable, hurting people looking for a leader will follow you into the trenches here on a battlefield where we should all fucking know better is your choice. 

Your feelings aren’t always your choice. That’s fair.

The way you choose to express and react to and process and deal with those feelings IS your choice.

Your actions are your choice.

So try to be kind. Try to be empathetic. Understand your feelings and understand when you are being manipulated and for god’s sake, when other queer people come out in droves to tell their stories, try to think critically, even if they are on the other “team.” Block content that upsets you. Use tools available to you to keep yourself safe! Blacklist tags. Blacklist URLs. Block people. Be frank about your triggers if you are able and try to give people the benefit of the doubt -- and if you can’t, put space between you and them, and then use the myriad of tools available to you to put a wall in that space. 

I know all about the kind of catharsis that comes from being a “mean gay.” I know all about constructing a set of rules within a group and then judging others outside that group by that context and punishing them when they fail purity tests they knew nothing about. I know all about fighting disrespect with disrespect and anger with anger and logging out at the end of the day to go cry -- not because I was sad, but because I was so fucking angry I couldn’t process the emotion any other way. 

I also know all about walking away from that life, that toxicity. I know about taking a break. I know about reading, a lot, for months and years, about experiences both like and very much unlike my own. I know about resolving to be better. I know about cutting out the people who made me worse, and keeping the people who encouraged me to be better. 

I know how much my life improved when I endeavored to keep my venting and negativity among friends who could actually support me, in places where I couldn’t hurt anyone, and present a positive force to the public, instead. To lift up the things I like and to block and move on with the things I don’t. To let creators have their space and their platform here in this one place where we can each carve out some small part for ourselves and feel like we are in control for once in our fucking lives. I know I stopped crying so much. I know my hobbies stopped making me so angry, all the time. I know that the only times I have been truly, deeply upset in my time in this fandom have been when I have been targeted or those I care about have been targeted. 

I know how fucking hard it is to tear yourself away. 

I know how fucking worth it it is. 

Take care of yourselves. 

[mypoisonedvine]

𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐮𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫 || dark!Bucky Barnes & dark!Steve Rogers x reader

summary: a little fresh air never hurt anyone, right?

word count: 10.3k (yes, OVER TEN THOUSAND WORDS OF FILTH what is wrong with me)

warnings: noncon smut (incl. anal, oral m and f receiving, dp, and spitroasting), bondage/restraint (and a gag), some mild violence, lots of slapping, pussy spanking, forced orgasms, degradation/derogatory language, kinda kidnapping, a touch of stockholm syndrome?, very brief breeding kink, period-typical sexism (this is set in the late 60s but you wouldn't really be able to tell aside from that and the lack of technology)

a/n: the song that plays on the radio, and the song that just so happens to be the title of the fic, is by john lee hooker in case anyone wants the proverbial vibes

You needed a chance to clear your head every once in a while, that's what camping in the woods was for.  It was the perfect time of year for it, too; the leaves were changing, the woodland animals were beginning to prepare for hibernation, and the weather was almost warm with a refreshing breeze that promised to bring the winter chill soon enough.

It was far from your first time in these woods, you knew the drive like the back of your hand by now, just as well as you knew how to hike down to the best places to set up camp.  

You set down your pack and took in a deep breath of the crisp autumn air.  No sounds except for the wind in the trees, the trickle of the creek, and your own thoughts which you found pleasantly blank.  You'd chosen a spot by the creek, where you could spearfish on evenings that you felt especially adventurous, with a nice dirt patch perfect for a fire.  The most dangerous thing about camping in the fall was that the dry leaves could catch flame so easily, so one of the key stages of setting up camp was raking away any foliage from your firepit, lest it become unintentional kindling.

The next order of business was finding a few dozen smooth stones to surround the fire, along with some logs and sticks to burn.  

A knife and flint was just enough to speed up your firebuilding so that you had something solid going by nightfall, shedding your jacket to better feel the warmth as the flames grew and the sun set.

Sure, the woods could feel a little… creepy, at night, for lack of a better word, but it was more tranquil than anything.  Most of the wildlife that was so active during the day stilled and silenced, bar the occasional owl’s hoot, so the loudest sounds were the crackling of your fire and the ever-present trickle of the creek.  You heated your kettle for a cup of chamomile tea, something to help you get to sleep on the admittedly uncomfortable sleeping bag in your canvas tent.

The mug warmed your fingers as you filled and held it, and the steam warmed your face as you took a sip; but the contents warmed your chest, and your soul, as you contemplated the flavors; is it possible that tea tastes better when enjoyed in the quiet woods, mid-autumn?

You were already yawning by the time the mug was finished, so you set it aside and crawled into your tent, shedding the excessive layers and slipping between the fluffy down-stuffed layers of your bedroll.  It was chilly at first but you knew your body heat would make it toasty all too soon, so you ignored the way you shivered as you fluffed your pillow and laid it under your head.

It was dark with only the fading light of your fire seeping in through the thick-weave canvas; and it was quiet, being the middle of the forest and all.  One sound you didn’t expect were distant sirens, barely audible, which made you wonder if something had happened, but you couldn't know what so you didn't pay it much mind as you drifted to sleep.

The next morning came early, of course; as early as the sun rose, warm sunlight flooding through the canvas of your tent.

You enjoyed staying in the bed for a while, not so much because it was very comfortable (it wasn’t) but just because you wanted to relish having no need to get up yet.  No job, no cleaning, no chores… though you were pretty hungry so that inspired you to get up and see about breakfast.

Slipping on a few more layers to protect yourself from the morning breeze, you opened your tent and stepped out into the woods, finding your fire had been reduced to a pile of embers meaning that you would need to find more wood to get it going for breakfast-cooking purposes.  And that’s what you were about to do when you heard a snapping of twigs echo through the woods, making you glance up to the source of the noise.

Your back straightened instantly at the sight of two men, one with short blonde hair and the other’s dark and nearly to his shoulders, walking down the hill nearby just across the creek.  They were still pretty distant, and yet they were much too close for comfort; close enough to see that these were not men one would want to encounter while alone in the woods.

They had new clothes— baggy and loose, almost certainly stolen— but it wasn’t enough to hide where they must’ve come from.  They might as well have still been in jumpsuits with numbers on their chests.

The prison, just over five miles away.  Had they really hiked this far?  You kicked yourself now for ignoring the sirens last night.

You froze as they turned and caught your gaze, the three of you locked in a stare for a brief moment before one of them took a step forward: that was all the cause you needed to run like hell, turning on your heel and starting so fast you nearly slipped on the leaves beneath you.  You heard them call out, chasing after you, but you focused on staring ahead and trying to remember the path back home, or at least to the road where someone might drive by to help you.

A root nearly caught your foot but you kept running, hating that you could hear them gaining on you since it didn’t actually seem to help you run any faster.  You looked back and saw them much too close for comfort, but when you looked back ahead it was too late to avoid the tree right in front of you; you swerved but it still made you slip and almost fall.

But you didn’t fall.  Someone caught you, and grabbed you, and pulled you into his oppressive form.

His arms held you painfully tight as his hand covered your mouth.  "Gotcha," the man growled against your ear, licking the shell of it as you struggled against his grip.  

Everything everyone had told you about why a lady shouldn’t camp alone in the woods suddenly flashed in your mind, your eyes squinting shut as you wished you had listened.  All you could do now was kick wildly, swinging your legs in the air which didn't even do anything.

"Pretty little thing, aren't ya?” he purred as you saw the second man come into view— the blonde one, so you knew it was the one with long, dark hair that must’ve been holding you, giving you such a twisted compliment.  “Just beggin' to be fucked right."

"Don't look so scared, sweetheart, we're not gonna hurt you…” the blonde man explained, “just play nice and we will too."

"Speak for yourself, Rogers," the man holding you snarled.  "Been a long time since I got to feel a pussy, I wanna tear this little bitch up."

You sobbed and writhed as the one apparently called Rogers hushed you soothingly, trying to calm you.  "Hey, just do what we say and it won't hurt alright?  Just take it easy."

He stepped closer, reaching out towards you while you grunted and whined with every kick, smiling in a way that would’ve been soothing in nearly any other situation.  He motioned to his partner who slowly lowered his hand from your mouth, and though your instinct was to scream you just heard yourself panting and whimpering instead.

“Did you hear me?  We’re not gonna hurt you.  We haven’t even introduced ourselves yet… I’m Steve, and this here is my cellmate— uh, friend— Barnes.”

“But you can call me Bucky, dollface,” the man behind you added with a little smile that you could hear and feel with him pressing up so close to your face.

“See, he and I just came from an awful, terrible place—”

“I know where you came from,” you cut him off with a snarl.  “You’re criminals!  You’re scum!”

Bucky just laughed and held you tighter until your arms started to ache from struggling against him.  

“Hey now, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” Steve corrected firmly— not angry, but stern.  “I was framed, I served seven years for something I didn’t do.  You’re innocent, too, right Barnes?”

“No,” he instantly answered, making Steve look disappointed.  “Oh, uh, sure.  Yeah, I was framed.  Real sob story,” he suddenly decided, not sounding like he was trying that hard to convince you.

“Point is, we were all alone for a long, long time, and we thought maybe you’d wanna be nice and take care of us, huh?” Steve offered.

“Fuck you,” you hissed.

“That’s sort of the idea,” Bucky whispered playfully.

“Let me go,” you demanded as Steve’s eyes widened and his nostrils flared, anger finally coming out when he suddenly grabbed your chin and held your face to look up at him.

“Let me make one thing very fucking clear,” he explained, nearly whispering so you were forced to stay still and quiet to hear him.  “You don’t get to pick what you want.  But you get to pick if you’re gonna make this easy, or difficult.”

You spat in his face; he slapped you for that, so hard that your ears rang for a moment while he grimaced and wiped his face with his sleeve.

“Difficult it is,” he announced with ill-restrained loathing, coming even closer as Bucky covered your mouth again to muffle your screams of protest.  “Buck, I’m goin’ first.”

“Fuck you, pal, I was in longer and I saw her first,” Bucky replied frustratedly.  “I’m not gonna take long anyway, you can go after me.”

“I just got spit in my face!” Steve reminded him.  “And the breakout was my idea!”

“Your idea?!” Bucky repeated incredulously.  “What, you think you’re the first guy to think ‘hey, what if we just left prison?’ because trust me, if it wasn’t for my screwdriver—”

Their argument caused Bucky’s focus to slip, that must have been why the hand on your mouth loosened and you could speak again.

"You won't get away with this, my father's a sheriff!" you yelped, interrupting their negotiation.

They both laughed darkly and you instantly regretted saying it.

"Oh, sweetheart, your old man's a cop?  That's too bad,” Steve sighed.  “You know what they say: sins of the father…"

"Fuck the daughter,” Bucky finished with a cold, hollow laugh as he suddenly bit down on your ear making you wince and shudder, tears streaming down your cheeks already.

He tossed you down and pinned you to the ground, his strong, heavy body on top of yours knocking the wind out of you as he began to tear at your clothes and, annoyingly, not seeming to find them much trouble at all.  You whimpered when you felt your pants torn down your legs, hating how exposed and vulnerable you felt, hating the undeniable fact that you couldn’t stop this.

You tried to get up when he reached down to open his belt and jeans, but Steve’s boot came down on your shoulder and held you still again.  Bucky was rushed and brutal as he pushed his pants down and pressed his cock against your ass, guiding it between your legs as you hissed and tried not to think about what was about to happen.

He pulled back briefly to spit on your hole, spreading the forced wetness with the head of his cock before suddenly pushing into you as you gasped and choked on a sob.

"Oh, that's it baby,” he groaned, “scream if you want, nobody can hear you but us."

Already he was thrusting with wild abandon, his hips slapping into your ass as his hot breath came down against your ear and neck, his face pressing yours into the cold ground.

"Fuuuuuck,” he moaned lowly, “so tight, Jesus Christ… fuckin' missed this, went almost ten years without burying my cock in a wet little cunt like this.  Shit, it's even better than I remember."

You just cried and bit down on nothing, pain making violent shivers run up your spine as the width of him split you open, pushing deeper than you’d known anything could go.

Each thrust seemed somehow rougher and deeper than the last, pushing you further past your limits, making your toes curl inside your boots.  He was unabashedly using your body, treating you with less care than some men might a blow-up doll, moaning loudly as he split you open with every moment.

So why did it almost begin to feel good, now that the worst of the pain had faded?  Why was the ridge of his cock brushing over your g-spot just right each time he moved?

He pinned more of his weight on you as he changed his angle slightly, enough to add just that much more brutality to every stroke, the loud slapping of skin echoing through the desolate trees.  You could tell he wasn’t lying about how long he’d been celibate in prison, because he fucked you with every ounce of pent-up frustration, hissing through his teeth and holding you tight enough to bruise.

Everything he did, he did enough to bruise.

“Yeah, take it, bitch,” he moaned when you made a particularly pained noise.

“I thought you said you weren’t gonna take long,” Steve remembered, staring down at the two of you from where he was leaning against a tree with his arms crossed.  

“I’m almost done, you waited this long you can wait five more minutes,” Bucky dismissed, voice a little strained as he kept fucking you.

“Just stop and give me a turn and then you can get back to it,” Steve suggested.

“Nah, no fuckin’ way,” Bucky laughed, “feels way too good to stop.  Trust me, Stevie, this pussy’s worth the wait.”

“Get her on her knees then,” Steve instructed as he came closer to you and kneeled in front of your face; Bucky manhandled your hips into place while Steve pulled your hair until you yelped and brought your head up.  “I wanna fuck this pretty little throat.”

He cut off your protests with another hard slap to your cheek, tugging your hair again as you struggled to hold yourself up on shaking arms.

“Gonna teach this mouthy bitch a lesson,” he explained as he hit you again before using one hand to open his belt and jeans.  “You know what’s gonna happen if you try to bite me, right?  I’ll just knock you out and fuck your throat anyways.  So you’d better make it good if you wanna breathe.”

You tried your best to nod with his fist tugging your hair, gasping slightly when he pulled his cock out and stroked it right in front of your face.  

“Come on, baby, open up— this is the most you’ve kept your mouth shut all day,” he laughed, tapping the swollen head of his cock on your lips until you finally opened them.  The flavor of his skin on your tongue made your lips curl in disgust but he held your jaw and pushed deeper, quickly hitting the back of your throat.  “Fuck, so warm… come on, suck it, make it good for me.”

“She’s gettin’ wet,” Bucky informed Steve with a chuckle.  “She likes it— don’t you, little whore?” he prompted as he slapped your ass suddenly, making you cry out around Steve’s length.  “You like choking on a cock like you deserve?”

You made some sort of gurgling sound, and apparently they took it as a ‘yes.’

"Aw yeah, fuck, gonna fill up this little cunt,” Bucky promised.  Funny thing is, you weren't sure if "this little cunt" meant your hole, or you.

“You’d better not, m’supposed to go after you,” Steve reminded him.

“Fuck, I dunno if I have the heart to pull out,” Bucky admitted with a laugh, slapping you on the ass to make your walls suddenly clench around him.  “I know a sweet body like this just needs to be bred.”

Your sob was louder around where Steve’s girth stretched your lips, making Bucky laugh darkly.

"Oh shit honey, what would Daddy Sherriff say if he found out you got knocked up by a couple'a criminals, huh?  By murderers?"

Steve pulled his cock out just enough to let you sob weakly before shoving back in and penetrating your throat.

"Yeah, you like it don't you?” Bucky continued to taunt you.  “You like being bred by some strangers who caught you in the woods… dirty bitch."

Steve's head fell back as he started to thrust into your mouth faster and harder, the base of his cock flexing against your tongue.  You assumed it was a sign that he was close and it made you hopeful that this would be over soon, but he suddenly pulled out with an exhausted laugh.

"Oh no you don't," he breathed, "not gonna come yet, still need to feel that tight little pussy of yours… if Bucky would hurry the fuck up."

"Fuck, I'm close, I'm close," Bucky rasped.  "Shit, babydoll, this wet cunt is gonna make me come, aren't you so proud?"

Steve held your mouth open and rubbed his cock on your tongue, occasionally shoving two fingers in with it which were salty with his sweat. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuckfuckfuck," Bucky hissed, "oh god, fuck, I'm—!"

He pulled out suddenly, rubbing his cock against your clit as his seed shot onto the ground beneath you.  You sighed with relief although you hated the way your body was actually disappointed, craving more and clenching around nothing in protest.

Bucky was hardly even finished when Steve reached under your arms to pull you up and flip you onto your back, groaning as he settled between your legs and rubbed his cock over your folds.  He didn't waste any time pushing into you, and apparently being fucked by Bucky wasn't enough to warm you up for Steve because you hissed at the sting as he filled you.

"Fuck," Steve mumbled as he grabbed your wrists and pinned them down beside your head.  Already he had begun to pull back only to spear into you again, reaching deeper inside you than Bucky had until you were gasping and choking on nothing.

Bucky stood up and stepped back, pulling his jeans up as he watched you two on the ground.

"You got any cigarettes back at camp, sweetheart?" Bucky asked you, and it was hard to focus on his question but you shook your head.  "Damn," he breathed, pondering for a moment before coming up with his next question.  "You got any candy bars?"

"Do you mind?" Steve hissed, still thrusting into you— a bit slower than Bucky but not exactly more gentle.  "We're kind of busy here."

"No, I don't particularly mind," Bucky smirked.

"Can't you just entertain yourself for a few minutes while I finish this?"

"Why should I entertain myself when I've got this pretty little thing to entertain me?" Bucky smirked, kneeling down beside you as Steve buried his face in the crook of your neck.  "Wanna help me out here, dollface?  I'm still hard…"

He freed one hand from Steve's grip and brought it up to the front of his jeans so you could feel the hard bulge there.  He opened them for you, reaching in and pulling his hard cock out to wrap your hand around it.

Feeling the thickness of it in your palm now, you couldn't imagine how it ever fit inside you.

"Yeah, that's it, I'll teach you how to stroke it right…" he groaned.  "You know how many times I had to do this to myself, just imagining claiming a little slut like you?  Your hands are so much softer, sweetheart…"

His hand tightened around yours and guided every movement, which was good because you had no chance of focusing on anything while Steve was slamming into you and moaning right by your ear.

"So wet," he whispered to you, "so warm.  All mine…"

You felt your insides grip him harder and he smiled, lips tickling your sensitive skin.

"Yeah, you like bein' mine.  You like being owned, I can feel it.  I can feel that this is exactly what you needed.  Is that what you were hoping for when you came out to these woods all by yourself?  That a big strong man would show up and stretch out this pussy?  Well I'm here now, angel, and I'm just about ready to fill you up real good."

A few more thrusts, faster and harder than ever, were enough to send Steve over the edge as you felt each pulse warm you from the inside out.  Steve groaned loudly and buried himself as deep as he could possibly go, painting his come right onto your cervix while you gasped at the sensation.

Bucky stopped moving your hand and looked down at Steve.  "Are you fucking serious— did you just come inside?"

Steve took a moment to catch his breath before answering: "duh."

"How come you get to come inside but I don't, huh?"

"Cause I went second!"

"Yeah, that's some bullshit," Bucky scoffed.

"Will you just leave now, please?" you whimpered weakly from the ground.  "You got what you wanted, now just go."

"Oh, sweetheart, we are nowhere near done with you," Steve promised, sighing as he pulled out of you slowly.

You wanted to try to get up, but your limbs were weak and numb, and your head heavy with confusion.  It made it easy for Bucky to scoop you up and carry you back the way you'd run, your tent quickly coming into view which made you realize how pitifully short your chase had been.

“Looks big enough for the three of us,” Steve noted as he tilted his head to look at your camp.

“We’re not going in yet, I think somebody needs a little creek bath first,” Bucky smiled as he started to set you down on your shaky legs.  “Go ahead and strip, doll.”

You shivered, considering resistance but deciding it wasn’t worth the trouble as you started to peel off your shirt and jacket, then your boots and slightly torn leggings.

They both smiled and watched you, Bucky snorted a little when he saw how hard your nipples were.  “It’s chilly,” you defended meekly.

“Sure it is,” he nodded, “don’t stop, get in the water when you’re done.”

You nodded slightly as you tossed the clothes aside, trying to cover yourself with your arms as you slowly walked into the stony creek, wishing the water weren’t so clear so it would cover you better.

You made a weak attempt to clean yourself, watching goosebumps cover your skin from the cool water.

"Wash yourself up good,” Bucky instructed firmly.  “I don't want any of Rogers' jizz still in you when I take that pussy again."

With a grimace, you washed between your legs and winced when your touch reawakened the sting of soreness there.

“You’re gonna have to push it out, honey, it’s real deep,” Steve grinned pridefully.

You did your best to clean up, not for Bucky’s benefit but for your own, because you hated how it felt to have Steve’s spend still within you.

“How am I supposed to dry off?” you asked nervously as you looked around, knowing you hadn’t brought a towel as you hadn’t really planned on a full creek bath during your trip.  You hadn’t planned on any of this during your trip, shockingly enough.

“You can drip dry,” Steve suggested.

“So you want me to stand naked in the cold for an hour while I dry?” you realized, irritated but still scared.

“Something like that,” Bucky confirmed.  “Unless you want us to keep you warm…”

“I’ll freeze,” you decided, stepping out of the water as Bucky snatched your clothes away to make sure you couldn’t dress.  “Gimme those!”

“Come and get ‘em,” he challenged, leaving you to huff and cross your arms, teeth chattering as the wind picked up.

You couldn’t imagine why they cared so much about testing your will when they’d already proven that they could take you however they wanted.  Perhaps it was just that they wanted to know you’d accepted that.  Better yet, they probably hoped you would participate willingly if you understood that you never had a choice.

Closing your eyes didn’t help, you could still feel their hungry gaze on you; rubbing yourself with your hands didn’t help because it just spread the cold water around on your skin, rather than actually warming you up.

It was probably less than a minute but it felt like half an hour before you relented, walking up to Bucky and looking down to avoid his stare as you meekly requested, “can I have my clothes, please?”

“But I can think of so many better ways to keep you warm,” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around you, Steve moving behind you to press his chest against your back.  You sighed with relief because even this was already making you feel better,  the warmth of their bodies taking out some of the chill while their size blocked you from the wind.  You mewled, ever so quietly, when you felt Bucky’s lips on your neck, your eyes falling shut as your head fell back onto Steve’s chest.  

They showered you in gentle touches and teasing kisses as they picked you up and carried you into your tent, the small space beginning to warm quickly with the heat of three people inside— or was it just you that was getting hot from what they were doing to you.

Steve was groping your tits and pinching your hardened nipples, while Bucky focused most on sucking your neck or biting just beneath your ear.  It was overwhelming, and impossible to ignore though you wanted so desperately not to be aroused.  There were only four hands exploring your body but it might as well have been a hundred because you couldn’t tell the difference, they were touching you everywhere all at once.

"Now, are you gonna behave or do we need to tie you up?" Steve asked quietly.

You shook your head wildly, tensing up just imagining that.  "Then say it," he instructed.

"I-I'll be good," you promised weakly.

Bucky grinned and slid his hand up your thigh, and though you didn’t mean to, when Bucky reached between your legs you tried to shut them and squirm away, it was instinct.

"Ah ah ah," Steve tutted.  "You said you'd be good."

"Think we oughta tie her up," Bucky nodded, feigning disappointment.

"No, please, I'm sorry—"

"Too late for sorry, dollface," Bucky smirked, grabbing a shirt from your pack and tearing it into strips like it was no effort at all.  

Steve held your wrists together for Bucky to tie, and they even tied your legs up bent and spread wide, finishing it off with a gag in your mouth.

Now you were helpless to Bucky pinching your clit, circling it with his thick and calloused finger, applying pressure to it until your eyes watered.  At first it was exploratory, delicate, but once he’d found the most sensitive places he began to rub your clit hard and fast, laughing every time you moaned and flicking the sensitive bud to make your body jolt.

"Yeah, this little cunt's getting all wet, y'like having your pussy played with?" he smirked.

He accentuated his question with a few sudden spanks to your clit that made you jerk and yelp.  The worst thing was that each slap made a wet sound that made you sure you were soaking by now.

“I know you want it so bad, don’t worry doll, I’m not gonna make you wait anymore…”

He caged you in and opened his jeans one more time, the process going much more quickly since he didn’t have to hold you down— you could squirm and cry, but that was about it.  

With a little grunt, he pushed into you, and with how wet you were it actually went it much more easily.  It was by no means painless though, especially since he was already moving and giving you no time to adjust.

"Yeah, that's better," he sighed, grinning as he watched you whine into the gag.  "Now I can really take my time with you, show you how good I can make you feel."

He was certainly more relaxed than the first time, his pace measured and calculated as he made sure his hips met with yours fully at the end of each stroke.  His width wasn’t as challenging in this position but his length certainly was, bumping into your sore and delicate cervix until you were forced to bite down onto the gag to cope.

But, in spite of the pain, or perhaps because of it, something deep and strong was forming inside you, tightening and twisting until it took all your effort not to let it spill forth.

He reached down and roughly rubbed your clit again, forcing a muffled scream from your throat as he grinned down at you.  “Close already, huh?  Good to know I haven’t lost my touch after all these years.”

You almost heard Steve scoff beside you, but it was hard to hear anything when your ears felt like they were full of cotton, only your own echoing heartbeat ringing louder than anything else.

"Yeah, I wanna feel you fuckin' come,” Bucky growled.  “Bet you get even tighter every time."

As much as you wished not to, you fell over the edge, back arching until your chest bumped into Bucky’s where he hovered above you.  He coaxed you along in his words and movements, your walls clenching in a nonsensical rhythm.  More than anything you just wished he would stop moving so you could catch your breath, but his pace never faltered and it felt like you’d never stop coming if he never stopped fucking you.

“That’s it, good fucking girl,” he groaned, “makin’ you feel so good, aren’t I?  Answer me.”

You hesitated, and sniffled, but finally nodded.

Even worse, your clit was so swollen now that he didn’t even need to rub it with his thumb anymore; his cock rubbed against it with each movement, the ridges of his shaft massaging you there until it felt like every part of your body had become the most sensitive place possible.  You shook violently beneath him, each wave of pleasure stronger than the last until you felt like you had lost all sense of time, and space, and really anything that wasn’t being fucked in this tent like the fate of the world depended on it.

"Get outta the tent, Steve,” Bucky instructed suddenly.

"Why?" Steve protested with a scoff.

"I can't come with you starin' at me!"

"I'm not looking at you, dumbass,” he sneered, “I'm lookin’ at her.  So pretty when she cries…"

"Whatever, either way, just go outside please?" 

Clearly irritated but relenting anyways, Steve grunted under his breath as he got up, stepping unceremoniously over both of you.  Bucky sighed with relief when Steve zipped the tent flap shut behind him, turning his attention back to you.  “That’s better, isn’t it?  Just me and you… way it oughta be.”

“I heard that!” Steve called from outside.

“Then stop listening!” Bucky suggested through his teeth before leaning down to whisper in your ear, holding your hips tight so he could fuck you harder than ever.  "I don't give a fuck what he says, I'm coming in you this time.  Not pulling out until I know every drop is in you, wanna see this pussy stuffed to the brim with my come… you want it too, huh?”

Another electrifying pulse inside you made your channel flutter around him, and how cruel that the moan he made actually turned you on more.

"Fuck, that's it, squeeze my fuckin' dick, honey.  Wanna milk all the come outta my cock, don't you?"

You nodded again, hearing him moan in that perfect way one more time before you started to feel him pulse and swell within you, streams of hot come pouring into you.  The amount was pretty impressive since he’d already come once, although you didn’t exactly feel ‘impressed,’ so much as horrified and confused.  And numb, from coming so many times.

Bucky smiled down at you with an exhausted sigh, smacking you lightly on the face a few times to try to rouse you from your blissed-out state, but all you could do was hum sleepily into the gag.

“M’gonna untie you now, you’re too out of it to try anything,” he explained, releasing the gag first before working on your wrists and your legs.  A rush of warm come oozed out of your abused hole when he pulled back, making your face heat up as he smiled and held your legs up to see it better.  “Yeah, filled you up real nice,” he informed you.  He gave a reassuring pat to your thigh before getting up and getting out of the tent, leaving you to stare blankly into nothingness for a while.

Eventually, you knew you had to face the world again, though you were more sure than ever that you weren’t prepared for it.  Grabbing a blanket from the floor of the tent and covering yourself with it, you took a slow breath to try to stabilize yourself.

For how slow time seemed to have passed so far, you were surprised to see the sun setting when you opened the tent flap and stepped outside.  You realized, with a sick feeling in your chest, that they had been using you nearly all day now.  And considering they were waiting for you around the fire, giving you a glance up and down as you emerged from the tent, they still might not stop for a while.

In fact, they’d made themselves very comfortable from the looks of it.  The fire was burning stronger than ever, three logs positioned around the sides of the firepit to sit on; a pot was over the fire, and you recognized the contents as some of the food supplies from your pack.  Best of all, Steve had found your battery radio and adjusted the station, blues quietly playing from the speaker as he used your hunting knife to whittle a stick.

Serves you right to suffer, the smooth voice crooned from the broadcast, serves you right to be alone...

For a moment, the three of you sat in silence as you took in the scene.  But when the wind changed and the heat of the fire no longer reached you, you remembered you had business to attend to.  

“C-Can I have my clothes back now?” you asked Bucky quietly, seeing them draped over the side of one of the logs.

“I think if you get dressed you’ll try to run again,” Steve mumbled, not even looking up at you.

“No, I won’t, I’m too tired,” you explained.  “I just don’t want to be cold.”

“Fire’s hot enough,” Bucky dismissed.  “Why don’t you just lay down a while, hm?  Get some rest.  You earned it.”

You weren’t just tired physically, but mentally, which is partly why you didn’t put up more of a fight before going over to the log and laying beside it, the blanket around you protecting you from the cold ground while you used your clothes as a sort of pillow on the log.

It couldn’t have been that you were asleep, because you could still hear the fire and the radio and Steve’s whittling (a constant reminder that he had a knife), but with your eyes closed and the darkness getting darker it was almost like sleep.  A draining, restless sleep that did nothing to shelter you from the memories of what you’d become.

So, you opened your eyes, staring into the flames instead and venturing the occasional glance at Bucky or Steve; the former always met your stare, the latter would only look up if a sound got his attention.

“You gonna take a turn?” Bucky asked Steve casually, motioning to you by cocking his head.

“Not yet, need a while to... you know, build up some energy,” Steve explained.

“Mind if I have another go then?”

“She’s all yours,” Steve approved, making Bucky grin as he got up and circled the log you were slumped over.  

“Y’hear that, dollface?  All mine,” he cooed, picking you up and adjusting you until you were bent over the log, facing Steve and the fire.  Your clothes kept your naked torso from rubbing against the bark, thankfully, but nothing could spare you from Bucky’s incessant touch, running up your back, over your butt which he spanked a few times for good measure, and finally to your entrance which he pushed two fingers into first.  “Mm, we stretched you out pretty good… you’ll be back in shape by the mornin’, but until then, I just slide right in…”

And he proved himself right with one long stroke that pushed his cock to the deepest parts of you, pushing your hips forward into the log as you tried your best to keep your breathing steady.

He was uniquely quiet this time, still moaning and grunting occasionally but otherwise sparing you from the constant taunts and filthy whispers.  Steve, meanwhile, was doing his best to look unaffected, but the subtle adjustment of his legs along with the increased vigor of his carving made it clear he was distracted by the sight in front of him.

Bucky’s strong hands on your hips were sure to leave marks, fingertips digging into your curves and pulling you back onto him, spearing you on his length.

“Yeah, that’s it,” he sighed, “gonna come.”

And it was actually a relief because this was going to end (for now), which was definitely the only reason you moaned in response.  He got more talkative after that, smacking you on the ass a few more times as he chuckled darkly behind you. 

“Fuck, take it, doll… take all my fuckin’ come.”

It was sort of a meaningless instruction, since you had to, but he seemed to enjoy reminding you that he was about to take his pleasure from your body one more time.  He made a weak little moaning noise, almost pained, as he filled you once again, slumping down on top of you and for the first time really showing signs of exhaustion after coming three times in a day.  You were so out of it that you hardly noticed his weight on you, or the little kisses he gave to your ear, whispering praises that tried your best not to hear.  

He pulled out and came back around to look at your face again, pulling you up slightly by your hair so you looked up at him.

“Such a good fuckin’ girl,” he groaned.  “Open your mouth sweetheart,” he instructed, spitting onto your tongue as soon as you’d done it, then lifting your jaw to make you close your mouth and swallow.

He tugged your hair harder before he kissed you, more possessive than affectionate, but unexpected regardless.  His tongue tangled with yours as he reached down to circle his hand around your neck, feeling your pulse but not going so far as to choke you.

A little groan from Steve caught both his attention and yours.  "You wanna fuck her, Stevie?"

"Oh god, I want that ass, I want that fuckin ass," he answered through his teeth, making you gulp as Bucky laughed.

"Go for it, man," he encouraged, and only a second after he stood up you both heard and felt Steve appear behind you, one calloused hand spreading your cheeks; you whimpered from embarrassment when you felt a finger circle your tight rim, before slowly pushing in.

"Fuck," you whispered, and it sounded much more like a curse of pleasure than you intended.

"Yeah, you want it don't you?" he asked through his teeth, giving you a hard spank that made you cry out.  Bucky slapped you when you didn't answer, grabbing your jaw roughly.

"He asked you a question," he reminded you firmly, the sound of Steve spitting into his hand and coating your hole and his length distracting you slightly.

"Yes, yes, I want it!" you sobbed.

"Where?"

"In my ass!"

Your body put up significant resistance against his swollen head, but it was no match for his rough thrust forward, the tip of him popping inside and stretching you painfully.  You bit your lip but it was impossible to stay quiet when he slid the rest of the way in.

You cried out as he moaned with satisfaction, already moving so much faster than you could handle (which, to be fair, was a low bar).

"Oh my god," he breathed.  "So fuckin' tight…"

The pain was sharp, and it felt like the base of his cock was impossibly thicker than the rest of him since you whined every time he pushed in.

"Aw, does it hurt baby?  That's my cock ruining your little hole, sweetheart…"

"Stop," you rasped, "please… please stop…"

"Nah, I think you like it… I think what you really needed was just to be put in your place, fucked in every hole so you know exactly what you're meant for."

Bucky appeared in front of you again, stroking himself in front of your face, still slick from behind inside you.

"See what a mess you made on my cock, dollface?  I think you need to help me clean it up," he groaned, holding your jaw open to stuff his cock into your mouth and stifle your sobs.  The taste of your and his come was potent and musky on your tongue, his head pushing right into your open throat when you tried to gag.

Steve held you tighter as he thrusted a bit more vigorously, Bucky simultaneously using your throat as he stroked your hair and cheek.  

You couldn’t remember how to do anything but just take it now.  At times their paces synchronized and you felt like you were being filled to the brim at both ends.  Other times they were in a syncopation where one pushed in just as the other pulled out, meaning you had no real breaks at all.

Bucky was too weak to come again, that much was obvious, but he was happy to choke you anyways; and Steve, well, Steve was moaning more now than he had from your mouth or pussy, apparently trying to hold himself back even though he had no reason to try to prolong this— unless he actually wanted to see you in pain more than he wanted to finish?

“You want me to come in your ass?” Steve interrogated you with a spank to your thigh.  “Beg for it.”

You shook your head around the length in your mouth.

“It doesn’t stop until you beg me for it, isn’t that what you want?  You want it to stop, right?”

Had you really fallen into his trap that easily?  

Bucky pulled back to give you the opportunity to meet Steve’s request, and you sucked in a lungful of air before finally whimpering: “Please, Steve… please come…”

“Where?” he pressed, ever-determined to make you remind him where he was fucking you.

“Please come in my ass…”

“If you say so, sweetheart,” he snickered before starting to thrust faster and more erratically, chasing his peak which you prayed was close.  It was, thankfully, though never close enough, and you forgot that the swell of his pulsating cock would stretch your tired hole even wider.

And, you forgot that he had no reason to pull out just because he’d come.

“Fuck,” he groaned, “that was good.”

You tried to kick him away but it was impossible with how hard he’d pinned you down to the log.

“Just stay still and keep my cock warm in this pretty ass of yours, alright?” he instructed, all the while Bucky stared down at you with a satisfied smirk on his face, combing your hair a bit with his fingers.

“You’re tired, huh?” he noticed.  “We’ll get you to bed soon.”

“Will you leave?” you instantly returned.

“We need somewhere to make camp for the night, too.  And since there’s already a perfectly good camp right here…”

“No,” you whined, “no, you’re never gonna leave me alone, are you?”

“We’ll talk about it in the morning, alright?” he offered.

//

It was truly a testament to how physically exhausted you were that you managed to fall asleep squished between your two personal monsters.

Bucky was behind you, essentially spooning you while Steve had an arm draped over your chest.  And even with the heavy weight on you, physical and metaphysical, you would’ve slept through the night easily if it weren’t for the feeling of Steve running his hands over your body, groping you wherever he could reach.

You opened your eyes but it was still pitch darkness, giving you no distraction from the physical sensations of Steve's fingers delicately grazing over your skin.  Behind you, the quiet stability of Bucky’s breathing made it clear he was still asleep and unaware.

“Steve,” you whispered hoarsely.

“Shh,” he soothed below his breath, right by your ear.  “He sleeps like a rock, we’re not gonna wake him up with a little fooling around.”  

Amazingly enough, that wasn’t exactly what you were worried about.  But you discontinued your dissent as he lightly suckled the lobe of your ear, fingers tracing abstract shapes over your hip.  You heard your own breath catch, and he must have too because he smiled and nibbled on your neck.

You shivered when he started to pull you closer, laying you back to reach between your legs and toy with your overly-sensitive folds.  His fingers found your clit and rubbed it in slow circles, making you writhe and jolt as shocks of pleasure shot through you.

“So sensitive,” he praised darkly, pushing against you harder.  “Gettin’ wet, honey?  Want you dripping before I put my cock in you.”

Bucky stirred beside you, pulling you closer in his sleep though Steve kept a strong hold on your lower half.  It was nearly claustrophobic being sandwiched between them like this, made even worse when Steve adjusted your hips and you felt his cock rub against you.

“Tell me you want it,” he whispered in your ear, cradling your face in his large, rough hands.

“I— I want it,” you whispered back, biting your lip to stay quiet when he pushed in.  You were still sore, but the wetness helped ease his way as he filled you to the brim, groaning softly and thrusting much more gently than you expected.  It was all very relaxed, and languid, and… sleepy.  It was so much easier to pretend that you wanted this when it was gentle and patient like this, when you couldn’t see his face

“You two got started without me?” Bucky interjected, making you both gasp.   

"You seemed pretty busy snoring over there," Steve explained with an unamused tone.  “You know, Barnes, I actually broke out of prison so I wouldn’t have to sleep in the same room as you for the rest of my life.”

“Leave if you want, Rogers, I’ll keep the girl and you can take her battery radio, ya limpdick.”

“Limpdick?  Were you not here for the past twenty-four hours?” 

“Yeah, I was fucking this sweet little thing while you were out there by the fire doing your arts and crafts.”

And just like that, your sweet and gentle sex was gone; Steve was determined to claim you now, fucking you harder and faster until you couldn’t hold back your broken moans.  "Yeah, you like that?" he growled against your ear.  "You like gettin' fucked?  Say it."

"Y-yes, I like it," you gasped.

"We're gonna be on the run for a while…" Bucky mumbled against your skin as he kissed your shoulder, "sure wouldn't mind takin' you with us, keeping our own little pet to fuck whenever we want."

You tried not to stop breathing entirely when he said that, distracted by Steve slowing down slightly, offering some reprieve.

"Been so long without touchin' a woman," Steve added huskily, "I don't know if one day is enough."

"Yeah, plus we've already got you obedient, trained, fucked braindead and full of come," Bucky replied, biting down on your skin to make you whimper and he chuckled happily.

"Are you sure you can share, Barnes?" Steve pressed.  "I know if you had it your way she'd be ripped to shreds by now."

"Whatever man, you're the one who tore her ass up."

Steve scoffed slightly, while Bucky continued.

"You wanna come with us sweetheart?  We'll be real good to you, keep your holes wet and full for a couple months straight at least.  You won't have to worry about a thing, won't have to lift a finger, just keep your legs spread and you'll be peachy."

"Hey, that's what we'll call you: Peach," Steve decided.  "It's perfect, isn't it?  'Cause you're sweet… and soft… and I could just eat you up," he purred.

"Wanna be our girl, Peach?" Bucky prompted.

"No, please…"

You expected anger, you expected them to hurt you, but you didn't expect them to laugh.  "Looks like our sweet little Peach hasn't had a chance to realize how good it's gonna be with us," Steve announced.  

"Yeah, let's show her how much she wants to be our girl," Bucky snickered, holding your hips as Steve started to move inside you again.

Bucky, meanwhile, was grabbing handfuls of your ass and groaning as he rubbed his cock against you.  One finger explored your rim and slowly pushed in.

"Looks like you're still a little loosened up from when Stevie here gave it to you, huh?  He was real mean, wasn't he?"

You nodded, clutching harder into Steve's chest as he fucked you faster.

"Then taking me should be a breeze."

Truly, you had no idea how this was possible.  I'm the dark it all felt like a fever dream, but when Bucky pushed into your available opening while Steve was still fucking you… it was definitely real, the feeling was too overwhelming not to be.

'A breeze' was definitely an exaggeration but it was undeniably easier, especially since being half-asleep made your body so much more relaxed.  You still hissed when Bucky's hips met your ass, you still choked on a breath at the feeling of two cocks buried all the way inside you, but it wasn't from pain as much as being full beyond your wildest dreams

"You were right about this ass, Rogers, goddamn…" Bucky moaned, holding your hips tight and beginning to thrust.

"Fuck, can hardly believe you're takin' both of us," Steve sighed against your ear.  "I know you love it, Peach, I know you love bein' so full…"

Your lips fumbled with the desire to moan a name but not sure whose to say; so instead you just babbled mindlessly, sounded just as dumbfounded as you felt.

But they weren't having any problems speaking, in fact they were more talkative than ever, each whispering in a different ear and making shivers crawl up your spine with every word.

"You're making us feel so good, such a good girl, aren't you Peachy baby?"

"Such a perfect fucking whore, so wet already just from being used."

"Want us to come inside, huh Peach?  Wanna be full of come?”

Each time you arched your back, it only somehow pushed them both deeper, so deep you couldn’t think about anything else anymore.  Bucky was moving at a much slower pace than Steve, such that they would only occasionally thrust all the way in at exactly the same time— and when they did, you heard yourself moan but refused to believe it was you making the sound because it sounded nothing like you, it didn’t even seem like something you would do; enjoying this that much, that is.

“You’re close, huh?  Gonna come for both of us?”

You found yourself nodding, even though they couldn’t see it, but Bucky must have felt it against his shoulder because he laughed a little, grabbing your face and turning you back to kiss you hungrily.  When he moved his kiss down to the back of your neck, Steve captured your lips instead, less dominating than Bucky’s but no less intense.  The moan that undeniably signalled your orgasm was nearly lost against Steve’s tongue, but they both heard it and began to pump into you faster, keeping you suspended in your pleasure.

Steve lost it first, spilling into you with a choked groan and a tight grip on your arms that was sure to bruise.  Bucky was close behind, panting with each hurried thrust until he finally moaned and filled your ass with ropes of hot come, a sensation you never could’ve imagined, let alone predicted you would experience twice in one day.

Bucky rubbed your thighs while he caught his breath while Steve peppered your face in tender kisses, both of them showering you in affection you had no idea how to handle.

“Whaddaya say, dollface?” Bucky prompted as he kissed just beneath your ear.  “Y’like bein’ our little Peach, don’t you?”

You stammered over a few different responses, none of them very good, until Steve finally instructed you: “say yes.”

“Yes,” you repeated instantly.

“I can tell you do, you soaked my cock real good,” Steve praised with a grin you could feel against your cheek and hear in his gravelly voice.  “We’ll head out in the morning, alright?  Soon we’ll be somewhere where nobody knows who we are, what we’ve done… doesn’t that sound nice, Peach?  A chance to start over?”

A fresh start never hurt anyone, right?

//

Months on the run made the night all blend together, you didn’t even know what state you were in anymore and you couldn’t find the energy to care.

It was definitely harder to hitchhike with three people, and a disturbing amount of truckers offered to take you alone but not your companions— and obviously they would never allow such a thing.  At this point, you were better off with the devils you knew, anyways.  At least with them you knew what to expect.

Specifically, you could expect Steve to be aloof and brooding until he occasionally snapped and became possessive over you again, asserting his dominance over you and Bucky however he could manage— usually by covering your body in his marks and every once in a while by covering your face with his come.  You could expect Bucky to taunt and mock you, cornering you into consenting to his relentless barrage of pleasure and pain, over and over again watching you struggle to maintain your sense of denial and disgust, reminding you that you loved being fucked just how he wanted.

In fact, today was a pretty typical day while the three of you crashed in a motel, Steve staying silent and distant while Bucky kissed his way down your stomach that rose and fell shakily with each breath.

“Bucky, p-please,” you whispered, closing your eyes so you could more easily pretend it wasn’t you begging him for more.

"What's that, Peach?  Want me to lick up your juice?" he grinned.

You shuddered and he chuckled as he knelt down between your legs to give a long, slow lick over your sex.  Your entire body jolted when his rough tongue slid over your swollen clit, so he focused there until your legs were quivering and your head fell back.  

"Mm, so sweet…” he cooed.  “Come getta taste a’this, Steve.”

“I’m busy,” Steve refused, turning the page of his newspaper.

“Are you fuckin’ serious?” Bucky sighed, standing up straighter and leaving your pussy ignored; you whined a little, but it fell on deaf ears.  “I’d love to see what you’re reading that could possibly be more interesting than this.”

“There’s an article about us,” Steve answered sternly, looking up from the paper to meet Bucky’s gaze, before glancing to look at you.  “All three of us.”

Bucky huffed and stood up, leaving you naked on the bed as he crossed the room to tear the paper from Steve’s hands.  His eyes scanned the page until he landed on the part Steve must have been referring to.  “Holy shit,” he breathed.  “Look, Peach, you made the papers!”

He brought over the article for you to read, and you sat up straighter when you saw that a photo of yourself had been included alongside the mugshots of Steve and Bucky.

Two escaped prisoners, one missing woman, spotted in woods near Schenectady, NY...

“When is this from?” you asked nervously.

“The paper’s from today, but we were in Schenectady two weeks ago,” Steve explained.  “They aren’t anywhere near us.”

It brought back memories of TV broadcasts you’d seen in hotels, radio news Steve had turned off before you heard too much.  Phrases like ‘statewide manhunt,’ ‘federal investigation,’ and ‘trafficked woman,’ which had once been foreign to you, now represented your deepest anxieties.

Bucky saw the fear on your face and knelt down on the bed beside you, stroking your face gently.  “Aw, Peach, don’t be scared… they’re not gonna find us, I promise.”

“If they did… what would happen to me?” you asked weakly.  You truly had no idea if you’d be returned home and treated as the victim of a crime, or if you’d be arrested and charged as a perpetrator, as a collaborator who aided in the escape and continued flee of two violent criminals.  They’d already gotten you in on a few robberies, even one bank— could you defend yourself by saying that you were forced to do it?  

“Nobody’s gonna take you away from us,” Bucky assured sternly, not quite answering your question but making it clear that was all you were gonna get.  You reached up to rest your hand atop his where it held your cheek, letting your watery eyes fall shut before you looked back up into his enrapturing gaze again.

“Kiss me, Bucky, please,” you whispered, making him laugh and shake his head.

“No, Peachy, I would but I know where that mouth has been.  Steve woke you up in the middle of the night to choke on his cock, thought I wouldn’t hear, huh?”

You gasped a little and Steve crossed his arms where he sat in the chair.  Bucky turned his attention back to Steve with a look of challenge on his face.  “She’s scared, Stevie, won’t you come over here and make her feel better?”

Steve sighed but relented and stood up, crossing the room to stand beside the bed and stare down at you.  For a moment you didn’t know what he intended to do, until he knelt down and grabbed your hips, pulled your spread legs closer to the edge of the bed where he latched his lips onto your slick and swollen folds.

“Oh god,” you moaned, reaching down to tangle your fingers into his hair, his tongue pushing inside you right away, twisting and thrusting and licking right over your g-spot until your eyes rolled back in your head and your back arched up off the faded quilt.  Bucky grinned as he watched you, leaning down to kiss your neck, then suckle on a hardened nipple, then lick over your hips until finally he bit down on the inside of your thigh.  You yelped a little and felt him smile against your delicate skin.

“I told you we’d take care of you, babydoll,” he mumbled, voice all deep and throaty like it got when he was about to spend an hour reminding you who you belonged to.

Sometimes you dreamed of the life you had before this, of the person you were when you only belonged to yourself, but that life was gone forever and it wasn’t coming back.  Each day you mourned it in a different way.  At first it was just the loss of dignity, then it was the loss at any chance of gaining that dignity back.  You missed your friends and family, but you realized they wouldn’t welcome you back with open arms after this long.

You realized it was well and truly over the first time a man on the news called you an accomplice to the ‘rampant crime spree’ of Bucky and Steve.  Just a few weeks later, the stories changed from two prisoners and their kidnapping victim, to three prisoners.  And yes, you were a prisoner, but the police didn’t see a difference between you and them anymore.  You had no reason to run, no motive for escape.  They were the only thing keeping you alive and free now, even if this freedom wasn’t exactly overflowing with liberties.

So, you accepted as quickly as you could that this was your new life; every morning you banished the memories of who you used to be, and every night you prayed that your lovers wouldn’t be caught.  And it wasn’t so bad of a life to have, even if it wasn’t the life you would’ve chosen for yourself— there was something nice about it, really, never very calm but still having its moments of peace and domesticity.  Like falling asleep in the backseat of a stolen truck while Steve played blues on the radio.  Like sitting in Bucky’s lap as he told you all about the beautiful tropical islands they’d take you to someday.  Like when Steve robbed a jewelry store and told you he’d picked that one because they had the ring he’d seen in a magazine ad, the ring he decided he wanted you to wear from now on.  Like being Mrs. Barnes when Bucky introduced you to his criminal connections, and being Mrs. Rogers when Steve did the same the next night.

Maybe you’d forgotten how to be anything else but their sweet, quiet, obedient Peach, but maybe it wasn’t such a bad wrap after all.

[see-arcane]

Final Thoughts

I honestly don’t know how to feel about it. On the one hand, it wasn’t The Absolute Worst version I could have dreamed up. On the other hand, it felt a lot like getting a bullet to the head rather than the expected slow agony of a Jigsaw trap. On the third hand, it just...

Well, yes, it was always going to be a tragedy. But beyond a satisfyingly curt [SOUNDS OF BRUTAL PROMOTION] on Jonah Magnus, Jon and Martin didn’t get anything at the end. No last second victory, no salt-in-the-eye to the Web. Nothing. We get to see exactly why the Web made Jon so forgetful of the lighter--blanking on Georgie taking it the episode before--and whatever Jon might have been planning against the Web, against the Big Fear Move, it was all torn away before he could even try anything.

The Web has presumably won its apotheosis. And it never, ever suffered a single consequence. We can guess that it likely never will. Which really is incredibly on point as far as existential/cosmic horror goes. The Cthulhu Mythos and similar flavors of grand scale horror are fearsome on a solely supernatural and unfathomable level. But this?

This we can and do fathom. We know exactly what the Fear(s) wants. We know what it is capable of. What it will do. And that isn’t where our misery comes from: it’s the fact that there was no way to win. No way to change anything. Nothing to do but pass it on to the next victim; or victims, plural. That’s what makes me sit back in agonized awe of it. Not any of the phobias made solid. Just the pure crushing defeat of it all. It’s a deflating, stagnant recognition of helplessness that twists the knife far worse than any mere bogeyman. 

Jon did everything he could and failed. The only plan that ‘went right’ was the one the Web decided upon, which was designed to inflict itself and its kin on other worlds. The Only Success Allowed is the Success of Your Tormentor. 

God. God. 

I will say I liked the implications of that last scene; that Simon Fairchild and the rest of the depowered sadistic avatars got what was coming to them. (Much as I still love her, I honestly hope Annabelle Cane suffered some severe Mastermind Buyer’s Remorse when she realized she was left high and dry by her patron. Whoops. (For Oliver’s sake, I hope he was either spared or was finally allowed to die peacefully.))

Much as I loathe all the “Hope-hope-hope-Let’s-make-ourselves-feel-better-by-pretending-we-don’t-know-we-willingly-fucked-over-another-infinity’s-worth-of-victims-hope-hope-hope-!” talk from the survivors, I do appreciate the fact that it is an ambiguous “end” for Jon and Martin.

No bodies likely means they went with the Panopticon down the drain. Martin had to kill Jon to make that happen. Which can mean one of two things.

1) Martin is with the Fears alone--hello brand new Lonely avatar status--unless he found a way to end himself too. That’s the short version. Very neat.

Which makes me doubt it. So we turn to:

2) Jonathan “Too Inhuman to Stay Dead” Sims bounced back again. This isn’t just wishful thinking talking. Not counting his survival post-Unknowing, he was still the most powerful thing on two legs due to the Eye and the Change ritual. Martin being able to kill him made nightmare logic sense--but in the presence of the Fears, sans Terminus, death remains a temporary state. 

Jonah absolutely fucked off to the Corpse Roots in those final moments, may he rest in piss.

But Jon? Jon who was willing to sacrifice everything of himself since day one and was long past fear of dying? Jon who is the Eye’s Chosen Pupil? Jon who I’m sure in my bitterest heart of hearts is still far too ripe for torment for the Web to just let go, free from its strings at last?

I think this ‘death’ was as permanent for him as hitting the off switch on a tape recorder.

Which is all a long way of saying I think Jon is still alive with the Fears in their new playground, along with Martin. I honestly believe that. I believe this without any of the bells and whistles of wishful thinking. Because I frankly can’t tell--or don’t want to tell--if survival was a good or bad thing. Just that it’s very likely.

Thank you for the nightmare, Jonny Sims. It was horrible. I loathed it. I feared it.

I cannot wait to listen again. 

Supplemental:

For what it’s worth, Jon did confirm one important thing for us post-Pupil. The Web is making assumptions. Theorizing about what waits for it on the other side of Hill Top Road. It is likely we and all our interdimensional neighbors are there, true. But I do like to think that the fact of its obliviousness to what’s actually waiting there means it will meet something unexpected. 

To borrow one of the Web’s favorite words, perhaps it is another smorgasbord of waiting victims, free for the taking.

Perhaps not. 

Perhaps the Fears are not alone. 

Perhaps, even if we do not get to hear it, there is some catharsis waiting on the other end of the chasm. A frightful realization made too late that perhaps the Fears were only ever a big fish in its own small pond.

And now that the Web has swam the Fears out into the open ocean with no way back, perhaps now is when they realize they were never the apex predators they thought they were. Only a schoolyard bully faced with the sudden presence of a threat, or threats, infinitely greater than themselves.

Perhaps they have finally knocked on the wrong door. And what lurks on the other side has happily, hungrily welcomed them in. 

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

If I Fell For You (Part 16) - Drowning

Summary: The reader’s night goes from bad to awful fast but thankfully Jensen shows up at the last second to stop things from getting any worse. But the guilt the reader feels over trying to end things with Jensen to protect him starts to become too much...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jensen x nanny!reader

Word Count: 5,600ish

Warnings: language, being drunk, minor violence, scary situations, angst, fighting, fluff, offscreen death of minor character, anxiety, panic attack, minor injury

A/N: This chapter is a whirlwind! Please enjoy and let me know what you think!

________

It was a close to an hour later and you were halfway through a bottle of bourbon, laying on the back porch of your mom’s house, staring at the rafters and debating finishing off the whole thing.

“Y/N?” you heard. Your skin crawled as you sat up, spotting your father at the other end of the wrap around. “Are you drunk?”

“This would be an appropriate time to tell you that yes, I am and I also have this,” you said, reaching behind your and picking up a hunting rifle. “I might be plastered but I think that’ll only improve my aim. I’ll be nice and shoot for your balls first.”

“You got so much wrong about me kid.”

You fired a shot near his feet and he held up his hands.

“Why don’t you go jump off a bridge or some shit,” you said.

“Y/N.”

You pulled the trigger as he took a step forward and he jumped when it hit the window nearby. You pulled again but it just clicked as he walked closer. 

“Your new momma never taught you that kind of rifle only has two shots, did she,” he said. You tried to stand but got way too dizzy and fell down. 

“Well I can still tear you apart with my teeth,” you said. 

“You’re drunk and judging by your face, very upset. What happened to that boy you were with? I didn’t see him when I looked around.”

“Touch me and that boy will rip your head off.”

“This doesn’t have to be a bad thing,” he said, stepping far too close for your liking. You swung the rifle at him but he caught it and kicked the bottle away before you could get at it. “All grown up. Probably enjoy it now.”

You crawled back as far as you could, eyes darting behind him when you saw movement. You barely caught the brown hair and green eyes before your father was face first on the porch. You tried to stand but he yanked on your ankle and pulled you down hard. It took a long time to peel open your eyes again, your father now at Jensen’s feet. Jensen pushed down on his back while he talked on the phone to someone and it didn’t take long to hear sirens in the distance.

“For the record,” said Jensen as he walked over to you and crouched down, his belt around your father’s wrists, “I didn’t believe you for a second. Oh and you’re a dumbass but you’re my dumbass. Forever. Got it?”

“I couldn’t…” you trailed off. He nodded and took off his flannel, wrapping it over your shoulders. “I knew he would do something and I couldn’t have him near the kids or know they exist. I couldn’t-”

“I know, honey,” he said. “But don’t you dare ever do anything like that again.”

You put your head down sniffled, dizzy still as he rubbed your back before going back to watching your dad.

It took an hour or so before you could go home and you were sober enough to stand on your own. 

“Can I ask why you made the executive decision that you did?” asked Jensen, holding your arm loosely as you got into his car to head back.

“Because I’m stupid,” you said dryly from the passenger seat as he turned on his SUV.

“I mean more so why didn’t you come to me if you were scared? Why make up a lie?”

“You did let me go. You must have believed me at least for a few seconds,” you said.

“No, I actually didn’t.”

“You let me go.”

He was quiet until you got close to the brewery, Jensen pulling off onto the plot of land he owned next to it. You leaned your head against the cold window and he turned off the engine.

“This whole, tired, don’t talk to me attitude right now? Been there. Lived it. I know it’s bullshit.”

“You let me leave so you did believe me so-” you said, Jensen pressing a finger to your lips. 

“I am certain of very few things and you are one of them. I let you go so I could figure out what scared you so badly you’d lie, to me. There’s only one thing I can think of so before you even had a foot out of that house, I was calling people and I got put on with Detective Finn who worked your case as a kid and I find out that dick for brains sack of shit just moved practically down the street from us. It does not take a genius to put the pieces together.”

“Fine! I did it in some stupid attempt to protect you,” you said. You glared at him and he shook his head. “What?”

“I’m not gonna get mad at you.” You put your head back on the window and stared out to the dark trees, sniffling some. “Why do you want me to be angry with you?”

“Uh because I didn’t forget to turn on the washing machine or leave on a light. I lied. I lied so big that-”

“You lied to protect your family from a monster. Do I wish you had told me? Yes. But I fuck up so much and you’ve never once been angry with me for making a mistake and I’ll never be angry with you for making one either. I know you want me to be angry with you, feel like you should be punished for what you imagine is hurting me. But you didn’t hurt me, Y/N. You didn’t and I know you get that because so many times you’ve been on the other side of this and I know you’ve never once thought, oh yeah Jensen’s a piece of shit, let him really have it. No. Just no. So I’m not getting mad at you and I don’t know what to fucking say to make you feel better like you always do me and I’m so sorry he got so close to hurting you again. But I’m really good at fighting monsters in this family. So please next time, I don’t care if you’re scared of the bug on the wall or you think someone’s outside the house or what it is. If you’re scared, tell me and I’ll do my best to make it go away, I promise.”

“What do you do when you want to hate yourself for being an idiot?” you asked quietly. You heard him shift in his seat and you shut your eyes, the sound of a door opening and then another. Strong arms wrapped around you and you buried your face in his chest.

“I try to treat myself as kindly as she does. She would never hate me and she hates when I’m in pain. I see it all over her face. So I try to cut myself some slack and ask myself if she would hate me and when I realize no, I’m forced to forgive myself and it normally takes a few hours but it works pretty good. A lot of hugs and cuddling don’t hurt either.”

“Thank you for stopping him.”

“Don’t.”

“Thank you. I owe you so, so much.”

“You don’t owe me a damn thing. We got each other’s backs and that’s all there is to it. I’m just sad I missed you trying to shoot his dick off.”

“How did you know where to find me?”

“Find my iPhone. Also I figured that was a good place to check,” he said. “I would have been here sooner if Jared didn’t drive like a tortoise over to the house to watch the kids.”

“I’m sorry I scared you...and you had to do that tonight.”

“Oh punching your father was a personal highlight for me. Trust me,” he said. He stroked your cheek and you turned into the touch, eyes squeezing shut. “You’re safe.”

“He’s going to get out on bail and-”

“And we have a very good lawyer. Oh, and I know the mayor so fuck his ass, he’s not getting bail.”

You buried your face once again and he put a finger under your chin, lifting it up.

“You’re still scared.”

“He’s gonna get arrested for what, trespassing? Attempted assault? I was drunk and shot at him. He can spin it. He can spin it and be out on the street like that.”

“I’m going to ask the lawyer to do something else, something that maybe can take care of that problem.”

“What?” 

“Once a piece of shit, always a piece of shit. He’s been gone for fifteen years. I have this bad feeling you weren’t the only one. Or even before that.”

“Or maybe he just hates me.”

“You don’t have to be scared. I’m gonna take care of it.”

“Jensen, I know you don’t have to worry about the money but it might still not be enough.”

“It’s enough,” he said. “Or else next time I’ll be the one with the rifle.”

“You would kill him?”

“Honestly? Yeah if it came to it. I wish people like him died in car crashes, not innocent ones. We have every right to protect ourselves and our family and I’m not letting him touch the kids or you ever.”

“I should probably say that’s bad but I don’t disagree.”

“Money works a lot. A real lot. Maybe he did something super bad and he can rot in prison forever.”

“Maybe,” you said, spotting a cruiser pull up nearby. 

“Stay here, sweetie,” he said. He walked over while the officer got out. He spoke to Jensen for a moment, Jensen’s face a bit blank when he turned around. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Your dad had a heart attack in the backseat,” said Jensen quietly. You cocked your head and he shook his. “Your father. In the police cruiser that was taking him for booking. He was just pronounced.”

“He died?”

“He was really overweight and didn’t look to be in the best health. He probably got his heart rate up too high and...the officer said he’d escort us home, stay outside the house for the night, calm our nerves.”

“He’s really dead?” you asked. You looked over at the officer and he came over, giving you a quick smile. “He really died?”

“Yes mam.”

“What...happens now?” you asked.

“We’ll file the report but you don’t necessarily need to press charges anymore. You’re next of kin as far as we’re aware so the body…” he trailed off when he looked at you. “We can talk about this with your lawyer.”

“Thanks,” said Jensen. “We’ll be on the road in a minute.” 

The officer climbed back in his cruiser, Jensen leaning against the doorframe. He tucked your hair behind your ear, letting out a deep breath.

“Y/N,” he said. He stroked your cheek, your head turning up. “What is it, honey?”

“I don’t feel bad at all. I’m actually happy. That kinda is freaking me out a little. You shouldn’t be happy someone died.”

“Most people you’re right, you shouldn’t. But there are exceptions. He tormented you. He harassed you. He came after our family. I’m gonna sleep just fine tonight knowing he’s never coming back in our lives.”

“Were you scared of him?” He ducked his head down and you took hold of his hand. “Jensen.”

“Put it this way, I’d protect my family by any means necessary. What scares me was what if I was five minutes later tonight. Ten minutes. My job is to protect you and especially from monsters like that.”

“I’m a big girl Jensen. You don’t have to protect me from anything.”

“Yes I do, just like if it were me in your shoes I know you’d have done the same exact thing. We protect each other. It’s not because I’m the guy or I’m stronger. You’re my family and that’s what we do.”

“Thank you for protecting me and forgiving me for being stupid earlier,” you said. He smiled and nodded.

“You’re my dumbass and I’m yours,” he said. “Want to go home now?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I really do.”

“He’s really gonna spend the night?” you asked half an hour later in bed, Jensen shutting the door after himself. “He knows there’s a cop outside, right?”

“What can I say, Jared...he thinks of you like a little sister,” he said. “I can’t blame him for being protective.”

“I’ll be right back,” you said. You climbed out of bed and went downstairs, the light dim aside from where Jared was reading on the couch, a blanket over his legs. He looked over the top of the book and set it down, sitting up.

“Everything alright?” he asked. You smiled and took a seat on the edge of the couch, pulling him into a hug. 

“Thanks for staying,” you said, a pair of large arms wrapped around your back. 

“Of course.”

“You do know there’s nobody to bother us now, right?”

“I know. Some peace of mind never hurt anybody though,” he said. “Go on back to your fiance. You guys had a rough night.”

“Yeah,” you said, closing your eyes. “Thanks.”

He kissed your temple and you returned to your room, Jensen pulling you under the covers. You let out a deep breath, turning into his side. 

“Here,” he said. He started to take off his bracelet but you shook your head.

“It’s yours, Jensen. I feel safe, I promise.”

“You’re tense still, honey.”

“Still working on that not being so angry at myself thing,” you said. He smiled and kissed you quickly, laying an arm over your waist. “I know what you said but I still want you to be pissed at me for lying.”

“You didn’t hurt me.”

“But-”

“You didn’t hurt me, Y/N and you know what? Sometimes, you’re gonna hurt me and I’m gonna hurt you. We’ll have bad days and get annoyed with one another. I’ll leave dishes in the sink and make a mess of the closet. You’ll chew with your mouth open and never fill up your car with gas until it’s too low. We’re not perfect. But even if we do hurt each other, we forgive each other because that’s what you do. We’re not always gonna like each other and what we do but we’ll always love each other. I don’t want to be mad at you. I want you to feel safe and know that I understand why you did what you did. I do. Please try to let it go, for me.”

“I am trying,” you said quietly. You shut your eyes and turned away, his arm over you pulling you back against his chest. “You’re normal. I can’t just stop hating myself like that.”

“You think I’m normal?” he chuckled. “Me?”

“Did you ever have to punch Dee’s psycho father? Did you ever have to talk about protecting her? Did she ever put your family in danger? Did she ever-”

“Y/N.”

“Go away,” you said, pushing his arm off of you. You moved over farther on your side of the bed, tucking your covers under your chin. The bed shifted and you tried to move again but his arm pulled you straight back to his chest, fingers dipping under your ribcage and holding you in place. 

“I might not have had to have done those things for her but I would have. For the record, you didn’t put anyone in danger. That fucking asshole did. It is not your fault he was an evil and vile person. All you did was try to protect us because you were scared and I know, I know you didn’t tell me because you’re so scared of that man and I don’t blame you. He made my skin crawl and I interacted with him for all of five minutes. Get it out of your system however you need to but you are stuck with me forever. There is nothing you could do to make me want you gone so get used to it.”

“You shouldn’t have to deal with this,” you breathed out. You pulled your sheets over your head, taking deep heaving breaths. “You have so much to worry about already. You shouldn’t have to…”

“Did you think I couldn’t handle the news?” he asked. “That your father was so close by?”

“I thought you’d hate me,” you whispered. He tugged down your sheets and you squeezed your eyes shut as he turned you around.

“Look at me.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Now you’re angry.”

“Look at me.” You forced them open, meeting a soft face and sad eyes. “Why would I ever hate you?”

“My shit’s supposed to stay in the past. You don’t…” you said, Jensen furrowing his brow. “See, you’re mad.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Your shit stays in the past.”

“It means you’ve had the world’s worst fucking year and you’re in such a good place now and you need to focus on you and not have my shit come in and fuck that up.”

“Do you think I can’t take care of you?” he asked.

“No of course not.”

“It sounds like you’re saying that you think you can’t have problems cause I can’t handle it.”

“Well at least I got what I wanted with you pissed,” you said, glaring up at him, tears welling in your eyes. You tried to push away but he held his arm around you. “Jensen, let me up.” You pushed again and he glared right back. “Stop it. Let me out of bed.” He only glared and you tore your eyes away from his face. 

“Do you think I’m weak?”

“No,” you said, keeping your head low.

“Then why-”

“Because you need a fucking break. I dealt with this shit years and years ago. I understand needing a fucking break and people need to take care of you, help you. You’re a different man than the one I met way back in January. You’re so happy and healthy and you have a different outlook on life again and that’s incredible. I’m so proud of you for that. But you’re just, just out of the woods and I’m not gonna be the one that sends you back in because of my fucking problems.”

“They’re our fucking problems,” he said. “Our problems. There’s no your problems or my problems anymore. It’s us together. Why do you think I’d hate you?”

“Jensen,” you said, pushing on his chest. “Stop.”

“Why?”

“I said stop!”

“Tell me.”

“Because I’m scared,” you said. He let his hold go lax and you sat up, getting out of bed. You walked over to the balcony door and rested your forehead against the cool glass. The bed creaked and you felt his presence behind you. 

“You’re scared of me.” You scrunched up your face and nodded. “Why?”

“Because if you realized how fucked up I am, you wouldn’t come near me with a ten foot pole. I’m not supposed to cause you problems. I’m supposed to fix them, be there for you.”

“But I can’t be there for you. You assume I’m just a dick where it’s only me and my shit that we can work on right?” he said.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Relationships go both ways, Y/N. I don’t expect you to take care of me for the rest of my life. You are allowed to need help too.”

“You don’t understand.”

“No, you don’t understand,” he said, grabbing your arm and spinning you around. He was frowning, his voice an octave higher if you didn’t know any better. “Do you honestly think I would have been angry at you if you told me about your father being in town? Do you?”

“I put the kids-”

“For the last time, you didn’t put anyone in danger,” he growled. “What is going on with you?”

“How many times do I have to say it, I’m not supposed to cause any problems!” you said.

“Yes you are! You, me, the kids. We’re all gonna have fucking problems sooner or later. Why do you think I’d hate you for telling me you had a problem, sweetheart?”

You fidgeted with the bottom of your shirt, looking past him.

“Something with your dad, isn’t it. Something got triggered in you after that phone call with the detective, didn’t it.”

“Call Ray. Tell him to come over,” you said quietly. He nodded and grabbed his phone, sending off a quick message before he was guiding you to sit on the bed.

“Honey,” he said when you pulled away from him. “Okay, no touching. Can I get you anything while we wait for Ray?”

“Probably should tell that cop that we’re expecting someone,” you said, rubbing your hands against your thighs. “Fuck, tell Ray it’s the help thing. He’ll understand.”

“Okay,” he said with a nod. You rubbed your legs harder and he stared at you. “Y/N.”

“I’m trying not to have a panic attack,” you grit out. “I haven’t had one since I was eight.”

Your head was turned and you felt his hands on your cheeks, Jensen forcing a smile. You stared for a long beat before you took a breath, his head nodding. 

“That feels better,” you said, your hands not rubbing so hard. You heard feet and the door open, glancing behind Jensen to catch Jared in the doorway. You could feel your heart rate pick up, Jared nodding.

“I get panic attacks too,” he said. You nodded and Jensen glanced over his shoulder. “I heard arguing.”

“Can you tell that cop outside Ray is coming by and to let him in?” said Jensen.

“Sure. Who’s Ray?” asked Jared.

“Her mom’s old boyfriend and foster dad. He was her therapist when she was little. Something’s not right,” said Jensen.

“I’ll send him up as soon as he gets here.”

You felt calmer by the time Ray was walking in fifteen minutes later in sweats and not much more. 

“Hey kiddo,” said Ray, giving you a quick hug before he squatted down in front of you. “Doing okay?”

You shook your head and shut your eyes, Jensen holding an arm around you. He explained what happened, Ray staying quiet. You eventually opened your eyes to stare at the floor, Ray standing and pulling over the bench from the end of the bed to sit on. 

“Y/N do you want Jensen to stay?” he asked. You nodded and he hummed. “Y/N.”

“Yes,” you said dryly. “Can I have some water?”

Jensen got up and retrieved a glass from the bathroom, the pair of them watching you chug half of it down before you sat it on the nightstand.

“Y/N, does Jensen know what triggered you?” he asked.

“Not specifically. Asking for help he figured out but not the reason,” you said, looking away. 

“Well on the bright side, you didn’t have a panic attack, you worked through it, you trusted Jensen to help you through it even if he didn’t know why and some of your coping skills helped you out quite a bit. But this is something Jensen needs to know. You’ll need help in a relationship and I know this is the big one but he needs to know so this never happens again,” said Ray. 

“What if he thinks I overreacted?” you said.

“I won’t, trust me,” said Jensen. “Secret’s safe with me.”

“Go on, Y/N,” said Ray. You took a deep breath and Jensen held your hand, stroking his thumb over the back.

“So you kinda figured out that me having a problem was the trigger and that I didn’t ask for your help earlier and kinda assumed a bad reaction if I did.”

“Yup and that’s all okay,” he said softly. 

“It wasn’t because of you that I assumed you’d have a bad reaction. It was something that happened to me that sort of...default my head to react and anticipate things in a certain way in that particular situation.”

“So if you have a problem and ask for help, you assume the person you’re asking for help from will not take it in a good way?” he asked.

“Yeah, basically. If it’s a really big problem and if I anticipate that the problem would upset the person I’m asking then my head assumes this bad thing will happen. In that case, it assumes the much better option is to not reveal the problem at all and handle it myself because then the bad thing won’t happen,” you said.

“The bad thing. It’s bad isn’t it,” he said. “Really bad.”

“Y/N, remember you can share without the graphics involved,” said Ray. You nodded and leaned your head back.

“When I was six I broke something of my dad’s. A mug. His favorite mug. I picked up the pieces but I knew it was his favorite so I didn’t throw it out. I asked him for help putting it back together,” you said. “The amount of rage he had over a broken mug...I never experienced such a horrible day in all eight years as that one.”

He didn’t say anything and you tucked your feet up, holding one up to him and showing the bottom. He stared at it and cocked his head, narrowing his eyes. It took him a moment but you saw when he noticed the small little scars. His eyes flickered back to yours and you nodded.

“He hurt me badly,” you said. “All day long.” He stared at you and you told him exactly the way the scars came to be, Jensen shuddering and closing his eyes. “It wasn’t a good day.”

“Fuck,” he said, standing up and rubbing his arm. “You were six?”

He shook his head and went to the balcony door, taking a deep breath.

“Jensen. You alright?” asked Ray.

“No,” he said, turning around, looking to you. “That many times?”

“One for every broken piece,” you said. He ran his hands over his face and shut his eyes. “The worst thing was just that it went on all day. It was long enough for me to interpret it as conditioning for a result of an event rather than just a bad memory from everything me and Ray worked out back in the day. It hasn’t been a trigger for me ever really but we knew it could be someday for a big life problem potentially. I’m guessing with it involving my dad, it kinda sent me into overdrive earlier.”

“Jensen,” said Ray, shooting you a quick glance. “Y/N’s okay. I’m actually quite impressed with her behavior. There was no hesitancy or waiver in her voice. I don’t feel as though this will likely be an issue ever again now that it’s out in the open and her father is gone.”

“You’re the closest thing to a father she’s ever had,” said Jensen, rubbing the back of his neck. “You know every horrible thing that’s happened to her and, and you just...all you did was throw him out of the country for fifteen years?”

“First off, the law was different back then and it was a lifetime ban. Second of all, buddy, violence isn’t always the answer to violence,” said Ray, getting to his feet.

“You should have adopted her.”

“She didn’t want me to.”

“You were the damn adult. She was the kid. Act like one,” said Jensen. “I mean fuck, you adopted two other kids only a few years later.”

“If I had adopted her you wouldn’t even know she fucking exists,” shot back Ray. “Her father still would have come back and this would have happened regardless.”

“You should have done what you needed to the second he popped up again when she was a teenager.”

“I did not strike you as a violent man but I do not like it.”

“She was almost assaulted by that man again tonight,” growled Jensen. “He tortured her and tormented her and he got barely any time at all for that. I would have-”

“Why’d you call the police then?” he asked. Jensen swallowed and Ray shrugged. “Why back at the farmhouse did you call the police? You could have killed him, called it self-defense and been done with it. Why?”

Jensen looked down and Ray sighed.

“The price for being a good person is making hard decisions, Jensen. Would I have loved to have rid the world of that son of a bitch the second I learned all about him? Oh you don’t know the half of it. I’m a trauma therapist, Jensen. Mostly for kids and teenagers. Do you know how much fucked up shit I’ve heard in my life? The world has so much ugliness in it. But it’s got good too and that’s why you called the police like you were supposed to and that’s why she loves you. She needs a good man, not a violent one. I’m not saying don’t think about protecting your family. But don’t act on it unless you don’t have a fucking choice, kid. Understand me?”

Jensen nodded and Ray cleared his throat.

“Say it.”

“Yes, sir,” said Jensen quietly.

“Ray, don’t get mad at him. He’s not used to this stuff,” you said. You stood and pulled Jensen back to the bed, Ray crossing his arms and nodding. “If I ever feel this happening again, what should I do?”

“You could work on reconditioning instead,” said Ray. “Work on saying I have a problem to Jensen and ask for help, even if there isn’t a problem. If Jensen responds positively or even neutrally and you two work at it maybe an hour or so a day for the next week or two, I don’t think you’ll ever have to be afraid of that trigger coming back. All of your triggers Y/N have involved your father. I know similarities can set you off but they’re small, manageable. You never have to worry about anyone hurting you ever again.”

“I know. I should have trusted my partner to have my back,” you said.

“I don’t blame you. I didn’t before and I definitely don’t now,” said Jensen. Ray smiled and pulled the bench back over to the bed. 

“Get some rest you two,” he said. 

“Ray?” you said after he gave you a hug. “Why didn’t you adopt me?”

“Honestly?” he asked. You nodded, Jensen preening his ears. “You reminded me so much of your mother and I was devastated when we lost her. I should have been the adult and done what was right but after seeing her in pain for years...I didn’t have it in me to take on a grieving teenager that would have been just as angry back at me. She already was so angry then, I would have put fuel on the flames. I didn’t have it in me to be strong anymore and that’s my mistake for not trying.”

“You can adopt adults,” said Jensen. You both looked at him and he smiled. “Adults can be adopted.”

“Not sure if…” trailed off Ray as you smiled at him. “Y/N, we’ve only just started talking again.”

“Maybe if that keeps going well...maybe things could...work out…” you said. “If you wanted.”

“Yeah, maybe we can do that,” he said with a smile. “It’s getting late. Put her to bed. Don’t be surprised if there’s a nightmare or two tonight.”

“Okay. Thank you,” said Jensen as Ray started to leave.

“Take care of her kid,” he said. Jensen nodded and you lay back in bed, the house growing quiet. 

“I’m so sorry,” said Jensen, his head lowering after a few moments. “I should have realized…”

“You did realize,” you said, sitting up. “Even when my head couldn’t come out and say I trust you and I know I’m acting a certain way because of what my dad put me through, you stayed calm and figured it out. You got nothing to be sorry for.”

“I’m sorry he hurt you. I got to pretend to be a cowboy and my dad read me stories when I was six. The worst thing I ever got was a few smacks but I know he regrets doing that,” he said. “Even then it was because I was acting out not…I just don’t understand why he would ever hurt you.”

“I stopped trying to understand him a long time ago,” you said, the door opening. You both turned, Arrow walking in with a pair of wet eyes. “You have a nightmare, sweetie?”

“I went…to the bathroom…” she said when you noticed her holding her wrist. Jensen hopped up and walked over, picking her up gently and setting her beside you. “I fell down off the step stool. It was wet.”

“Tell me what hurts,” he said.

“My hand,” she said. 

“Let daddy see,” you said. She moved her hand back and you both saw her wrist was swollen and bruised. Jensen swore under his breath and guided her hand back on it. “Okay, you hold it if it feels better that way, honey. Daddy, I think Arrow should go to urgent care.”

“Arrow, why don’t you go get your dolly and we’ll bring her with us. We might have to wait a minute,” he said. “Be careful okay? I’ll come get you in just a minute.”

“Mommy?” she asked, staring up at you. 

“Mommy’s really tired-” said Jensen when you stood up.

“Uncle Jared is staying over though, daddy. Go get your dolly and mommy and daddy will get dressed,” you said. She sniffled but climbed down okay, Jensen sighing when she left the room. “She wants me there and I want to be there. I’m going.”

“Alright but you’re going to try and get some sleep in the waiting room at least, please.”

“No promises.”

________

A/N: Read Part 17 here!

[realisticjojoxreader]

For writing requests: Hugging the Crusaders!!!!!!!! 😳🥺👉🏻👈🏻

this was very fun to write lol these guys suck

stardust crusaders x reader (?), part 3 obviously, 1.4k

JOSEPH:

You ask for a hug and he obliges instantly, starved for affection since his grandson will barely speak to him. His arms are warm around you, stronger than they should be at his age, and he holds you tight, like you’re the only thing in the world that matters. It feels like you’re the center of his universe.

Taking a deep breath, you wrinkle your nose. What is that smell...? Is that his aftershave? It’s like dust, almost, mixed with wet paper. Where on earth did he get something like that? Why does he use it? It stinks.

The hug is so comfortable, though, and you feel so loved, that you can ignore the weird old man smell. His shirt is scratchy against your skin.

After a long moment, he releases you, hands brushing gently through your hair. Then, something snags, tugging on your hair. Hard. Like, really hard. It actually really fucking hurts. You recoil instinctively, which just pulls your hair even harder, making your scalp burn.

“Oh no!!” screams Joseph, so loudly that you flinch, which just tugs your hair yet again, and you yelp. “Oh shit!! My prosthetic hand is caught in your hair!!”

“Why aren’t you wearing your glove?!”

He hisses apologetically. “I, uh, took it off when I went to the loo.” Oh my god, ew. What the fuck, dude? For a long moment, he stands there trying to undo what he's done, wiggling his fingers in your hair completely ineffectually. “I don’t think we can untangle this ourselves," he says eventually, taking the L. "Let’s go get my grandson.” He turns toward where the others are all standing and takes a slow but confident step forward.

Then Joseph, graceful as ever, trips over absolutely nothing and falls like a sack of bricks. You thoughtlessly brace yourself with your Stand to make sure he doesn’t drag you down, too, forgetting that his hand is very much still stuck in your hair. He falls and takes a hand-sized chunk of your hair with him, leaving you partially bald and sobbing from the pain.

You collapse to the ground, screaming, and the others rush over, finally noticing that something’s happening over here.

“Oops,” says Joseph, holding up a fistful of your hair.

“Nice haircut, idiot,” says Jotaro, looking at you with a tiny smile on his face, like today is Christmas and your partial baldness is his gift from Santa. God, fuck the entire Joestar bloodline. You hope DIO kills them all. They'd absolutely have it coming, though you'd miss Holly.

The only reason you don't abandon them is a promise from Joseph that he'll cover all your expenses until you're back home.

ABDUL:

You ask for a hug and he squints, for second, as if unsure you meant it. When you smile encouragingly, he smiles back and steps forward to wrap you up in his arms.

The hug is warm, like sheets that have just been pulled from the dryer, complete with the clean smell of fresh linen. You’re not sure how he smells so good, seeing as you’ve been traveling in the desert for days, now, and everyone else stinks to high heaven, but you won’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

His jewelry rattles as bit as he starts to sway, still holding you tight. You’ve never felt so safe before, especially not since the group made it to Egypt, closing in on DIO in Cairo. As long as you stay in Abdul’s arms, nothing bad can happen.

He pulls back a bit to look you in the eyes. His expression is so hopelessly kind that you have to look away, overwhelmed with it. “Look at me,” he says, voice soft as anything, and you oblige. He says half of your name before his face contorts, as if he’s in pain.

“Abdul? Are you—” you get cut off when Abdul sneezes, right on your face, right into your open mouth. “FUCK!” God, it was so wet, you're going to fucking lose it. You can’t help but punch him in the shoulder.

Because he’s a nice person, Abdul is horrified by what he’s just done to you and also graciously ignores you hitting him. “I’m so sorry!”

It was an accident, so you really can’t get too mad, but you’re still upset. That was so fucking gross.

Something smells weird, now, too. Like smoke.

“Hey, noroma,” says Jotaro, calling you the little nickname he has for you—you don't know what it means, but you're the only one he calls that, which you kind of love. It means you're special to him. Him and the others are finally back from the gas station convenience store, arms full of snacks and water. Jotaro looks bored as ever when he tells you, “Your jacket’s on fire.”

Ah. That explains the smoke smell.

Ultimately, your jacket is ruined and you have minor burns on your wrists. You ask the Crusaders to drop you off at the Cairo airport, because you can’t keep fucking doing this, not after what Joseph did to your hair yesterday.

But then Polnareff makes some revolting-ass puppy dog eyes at you, imploring you to stay, and for some reason, you cave. Anything to get him to stop making that awful face.

POLNAREFF:

You ask for a hug and he grins at you, big and stupid and pleased as punch. That's the expression he makes any time anyone is ever nice to him.

His hug is a little awkward, like he's not used to having someone so close to him. It'd make you feel bad for him if he didn't stink to high heaven. You kind of expected that—he's French, after all—so you're able to ignore it, for the most part. It's not like the others smell like a bag of roses, either, except Abdul, because he rules. (Destroyed jacket and burns that still smart something awful notwithstanding.) It's been a long journey.

After not very long at all, Polnareff starts to get antsy, almost vibrating in your arms. What is he, five years old? Can't he relax long enough for a single hug?

Then he starts giggling, which puts you on edge instantly. Nothing good can come out of him when he's snickering like that.

Before you can pull away, though, you find out why he's giggling.

He's still cackling when he presses his wet, sweat-soaked palms against the bare skin of your arms. You violently recoil and, with more anger than you felt even when Joseph partially balded you, you punch Polnareff right in his stupid fucking nose.

Blood erupts from his face like a geyser. Before you can even laugh at him, something hits you with the force of a moving train. It feels… naked?

Oh. It's Star Platinum. Great. Great! That's just what you needed today, to get your ass beat by Jotaro and his mostly-naked guy of a stand.

Maybe DIO's taking applications.

You almost walk off yet again, but Joseph reminds you of his promise and promises that you're allowed to sit in the front of every car from now on. He also stops Jotaro from kicking the shit out of you, so you stick around, though you suspect you'll regret it.

KAKYOIN:

You ask for a hug and he looks at you like you have two heads. “Me?” he asks incredulously, looking around as if searching for the person you were really talking to. The others are all in the restaurant's restroom right now.

“Yes, you. Who else?” There’s literally no one else around.

“I don’t know,” he says. “I don’t really do hugs. Could you go ask Jotaro or something?”

JOTARO:

Instead of asking for a hug—you know he'll just say no—you ambush him with one, waiting for him to turn the corner and walk right into your open arms. This wouldn't normally work, but you made sure to spring your trap when he was in a heated (though still playful) argument with Polnareff about whale sharks.

Just as you planned, he notices you far too late to stop you, and you grin wide as you wrap your arms around him. He feels solid and warm. You never want to let go.

Jotaro doesn't give you much of a choice.

"Ew," he says before summoning Star Platinum, who grabs you by the scruff of the neck like a naughty kitten. "This is why I call you noroma. Fucking dipshit." And with that, Star Platinum flings you bodily into the dirty ass canal running along the side of the road.

DIO is, in fact, taking applications. You get rejected.

[reigenomic-moving]

Wayne's statement on the racist caracatures in last nights stream and the makeship plushie

Image ID's under the cut

hey everybody. last night's stream was a weird one. the things that went down when we tried to play Bullet Roulette were not great. it made us as a team realize that we need to put our foot down and make a statement. about last night, and a lot of other things. what you're about to read is not only my words, but those of the entire team.

the first thing i should get out of the way is this: the caricatures that appeared in Bullet Roulette suck, and we're all disappointed that one of our favorite old VR games has that bullshit in it. we all made the fact that we thought it was shitty as clear as we could last night while we were playing. we tried to reset the lobby 3 times to fix the bug that forcibly made us all be that model. it did not work. we tried to keep playing it for a little while and then give it one last try. which, of course, did not work. what took place afterwards is what we'll be talking about here.

the reaction a small group of you had to these events was disappointing, and in some cases, unacceptable. we are not upset with native americans who were uncomfortable with the caricatures, we are upset with those of you who instantly demonized us for not 'turning off the game immediately'. the reason we as the streamers and the mods repeatedly asked everyone to 'move on' is because we acknowledged what we had just experienced in the game was wrong, and condemned it. we expressed how we felt about the models out loud multiple times. while unproblematic media exists, there is a lot of media that has problematic elements in it. it's not great, but that's the way things are. things are not always black & white. the expectation that the moment an unsavory concept is encountered in something on stream that we drop what we're doing and shut off the program is absolutely unreasonable.

if we run into problematic content, do not assume we automatically endorse it just because we did not remove it from the screen immediately. we can still experience it as a whole while acknowledging what's wrong with it. take LISA, for instance. I loved what I played of that game, and I know a large majority of you guys loved those streams too. LISA has problematic shit in it. early on in those streams we encountered a character that was a racist caricature of a black man. we acknowledged that it fucking sucked, and we kept playing. and both the crew and chat were able to continue maturely while acknowledging that the content was problematic.

while this is only somewhat related, i might as well also address the makeship situation, and those of you who came after me for deleting their initial statement. I deleted it because it was bad. that e-mail was an apology from the worker to me, not meant as a public apology. it didn't approach the situation properly. I was scrambling to get something up to address the concerns while i was in the middle of a 24 hour multi day road trip (one whose existence I had to hide for the stream gag), I just took whatever makeship would give me. when I actually had a little bit of time to sit down and read it, and read what some of you had to say about it, I realized that it didn't actually mean anything. I deleted it, and spoke to my handlers at makeship, and informed them about the biggest issue with that shitty anti-centrism plush: what was essentially a masked swastika next to a star of david. if you look up the original designs of that stupid ball, you can find that it actually had a swastika on it, and the creator hid that fact from team members at makeship by changing it in the concept art he shared with them. it might be hard to believe, but their team genuinely did not know about this. and they did not consider why that plushie was as shitty as it was. after I informed them and talked it over, they removed the plushie from their website completely and decided to not work with that creator going forward. their team thanked our campaign for bringing them to the realization that they need to more properly vet the creators they work with and the origins of their designs. what disappointed me in this scenario were those of you who assumed the worst about me just because i had not made a statement about it while i was doing my best behind the scenes to work things out.

we also know that being publicly accessible artists & entertainers comes with a fair amount of vulnerability through exposure, however the amount of invasions of privacy and harassment a lot of us have experienced in the past year is worth taking note of. we are people. what if you woke up to dms from people saying they found your name and your phone number? what if you got a text from a stranger saying they found your information? how would you feel? these are questions you need to ask yourself as a viewer even if you've never gone that far. these are things that have actually happened to us.

being a fan comes with as much responsibility as being a creator; just because you are consuming what we make does not make this a one way relationship where you're invisible. what you do and say is being felt by actual humans, and the information you share or try to get not only affects us but the people we know. it has at times been so invasive and ridiculous that some of us have considered stopping completely. as a fan and a viewer, your responsibility is to respect us as much as you would respect any other human being; putting us up on pedestals to the point where some of us get treated like objects or things is the absolute opposite of respect and we've mentioned this a few times. we will be taking much stronger action on these matters from here on out; please observe how you view us and ask yourself if you'd look at a friend or family member the same way. if you wouldn't, reconsider your relationship with what we make.

some of you hold me and the crew on a pedestal in a way that makes us deeply uncomfortable. this isn't the first time we've experienced something like last night. it has happened on other team member's streams. the hostility we are met with when we encounter something unsavory on stream is ridiculous. after shutting down the game, seeing a few of you in the chat screaming at us, attacking our characters, invalidating all of our values and past deeds as a team over encountering unexpected bigotry in a game and condemning it, not perpetuating it ourselves, is infuriating. to all of us. you do not have the right to harass us over something like this. coming into our DM's and repeating yourselves, accusing us of lying about values and calling us awful people is harassment. it is extremely immature. and it is behavior we no longer want in this community. we are human. we aren't meant to be your perfect social/political pillars.

when these things happen, you know it sucks, we know it sucks, we all know why it sucks, and while we will always point it out when we see it, the expectation of us to derail our show and explain to you why its bad and apologize for it being on the screen is not an expectation we will meet. acknowledge, and move on. a statement does not always need to be made. going forwards, we'll be increasing moderation measures in regards to the harassment of crew/staff and the mitigation of events like these in the future. thank you for understanding.

- All of Radio TV Solutions & The WRTV Mod Team