#we should all stab caesar!!!!

[radiosummons]

Tumblr on March 15th.

[calamity-bean]

and then he ran into my knife. he ran into my knife 23 times ¯\ (ツ) /¯

[emptyjunior]

Happy Caesar Stabbing day to my fellow Australians🎉🔪

And to all others in our time zone🙏

To everyone else in the past I hope you can join us soon, we have taken up arms in the streets, every drop bear wields a blade-

[disappointingcabbage]

happy ides of March yall

[mell-bell]

It’s almost here guys I can feel it

[imthemuthafuckingcricket]

The Ides of Musk

[just-late-roman-republic-things]

The One Where Octavian Gets Attacked by a Lemon

"In our defense, he almost dies all the time, anyway."

Salvidienus pinched the bridge of his nose to hide his mouth twitching up. Really, he wasn't surprised to find saboteurs in the garrison as the Parthian campaign neared. But he'd expected them to be armed with more than a butter knife and a lemon.

"Tell me who hired you, and I'll make your deaths painless. Also, explain how my best friend ended up in the medic tent covered in horseshit."

The oddly-dressed pair of would-be assassins huddled together on the camp grounds, like sacred chickens spooked by a piece of string. Or by the guards' swords pointed at their throats. That would also do it. The more timid, pink-haired one kept glancing at Salvidienus' muscle cuirass, which would have been flattering if the boy(?) hadn't just been arrested for attempted murder.

"We didn't need to be hired," said the other, who wore piercings in terrifying places and was probably some kind of Amazon. "We're here for the republic, not for pay."

"I'd like to be paid," said Pink Hair. "Do you think we could get course credit for this?"

Poor Gaius Octavius. Didn't even warrant professional assassins. Granted, he'd probably never conquer anything bigger than a head of lettuce, so Salvidienus could understand if the enemy wanted to economize.

"I'm not sure how terrorizing an asthmatic teenager in Macedonia is supposed to do anything for the republic."

"Macedonia? Huh," said Piercings. "This must be before he went to Gaul."

"Agrippa tells me you brandished the knife and screamed 'Memento mori motherfucker,' and he had to tackle you to make you stop chasing Gaius across the camp. Then what happened?"

Piercings smiled. "He ran like a dweeb."

"I wish I had been tackled by Agrippa," murmured Pink Hair dreamily.

"Anyway," said Piercings, "Agrippa caught me, but not before Caesar tried to escape on a horse. Parsleigh thought fast and chucked the lemon at the horse, and it threw him off, and he landed in the rubbish pile. And that's why your boss is covered in poop."

Pink Hair piped up, "We were doing him a favor! If he'd landed anywhere else he could've broken his neck!"

"Caesar is in Italy," Salvidienus said, and privately vowed never to hire discount assassins. "He won't be here for another two weeks. Also, Octavius isn't my boss."

The two incompetent assassins froze, faces slowly filling with the horror only seen in undergraduates about to fail a required course, or that's what Salvidienus would have thought if universities had been invented.

"Wrong Caesar," Piercings groaned, and poked at a device on her wrist. "This one must be Octavian. Parsleigh, we have to go."

Pink Hair frowned. "That can't be right. Octavian's a Percy Jackson character."

"Hey, soldier guy, do you have directions to the Senate house?"

Salvidienus obligingly drew them a map of the rats-nest of downtown Rome, because frankly, he wanted to see where this was going. As he handed it over, Octavius and Agrippa emerged from the medic's tent, thankfully with nothing bruised except Octavius' ego.

"No executions yet?" asked Octavius, sounding disappointed.

"Mistaken identity. They were trying to kill your great-uncle."

"Oh," said Agrippa. "That's alright then."

Octavius looked alarmed. "It is not alright!"

"Well, it is rather trendy, at the moment."

Piercings frowned at Octavius, then at the butter knife Salvidienus had confiscated, as if considering whether to have a go at Octavius anyway, while she was in the neighborhood. Pink Hair had squeaked "Agrippa" at a pitch humans shouldn't be able to reach, and hidden behind his co-conspirator.

"We could still try stabbing Augustus Caesar," Piercings said. "It's their own fault for reusing names all the time."

Octavius sputtered. "There aren't any Caesars named Augustus. Salvidienus, can we execute these two already?"

Salvidienus paused, a little taken aback by his friend's readiness to kill a couple of strangers. They'd all been preparing for a war, yes. There would be plenty of killing to come. But...a butter knife? Really? These dolts weren't dangerous to anyone, unless you had the constitution of soggy bread, which Octavius admittedly did.

"We could also try not escalating every problem into lethal violence immediately," Agrippa said blandly.

"See, Dementia," Pink Hair tapped his partner. "Agrippa doesn't think we should, either."

"And of course Agrippa is always right," she muttered, and tapped a button on her wrist device. "Okay. Okay! We'll go to the Senate house like we originally planned and stab Julius Caesar. Thanks for the map, soldier guy."

"Sorry about the lemon!" Pink Hair called, and in a flash of light, they were gone.

Salvidienus flinched, blinking spots from his eyes. One of the guards swore. Everyone else seemed equally stunned, save Agrippa, who was surveying the clear blue sky as if to watch for traces of the odd pair. Or perhaps for bolts of lightning. Why not save time and have all the nonsense in one day?

"The Senate house burned down years ago," Octavius said. "They can't meet Caesar there."

Salvidienus shrugged. "You don't think I'd actually betray your family, would you?"

"No, no. Of course not."

He smiled, and Salvidienus returned it, and they had a haruspex called in to purify the area and schedule a sacrifice for later. The gesture felt like too little, for such a strange encounter, and something still niggled in Salvidienus' mind as they returned to army drills.

The assassins had mixed up Octavius, of all people, with Julius Caesar. They'd thought he was some kind of threat to the republic. And come to think of it...frail though he was, Octavius had sailed straight into a warzone, crawled out of a shipwreck, stolen through enemy territory and nearly worked himself to death before he'd turned eighteen. At times sheer stubbornness seemed to be the only thing keeping him alive. That and Agrippa's reflexes, anyway.

Reflexes that apparently failed as Octavius rolled his ankle on the abandoned lemon, and fell face-first into the dung heap again.

Salvidienus chuckled and shook his head. Who'd name their poor kid "Augustus," anyway?

[yandeiros]

Lest we all forget our history, be merry this ide of March.

[forever-not-gonna-sink]

🔪It’s stabby time🔪

[radiosummons]

My boss was gearing everyone in the office up for an early morning discussion about our monthly sales goals and she specifically wanted to discuss preparation for celebrating a particular upcoming holiday.

And without missing a beat I went: IDES OF MARCH!!! HELL YEAH!!!

Guys ... guys, she was talking about St. Patrick's Day. And now everyone in the office thinks I have personal beef with the historical/literary figure, Julius Caesar.

Tumblr has ruined me.

[githvyrik]

how do you think brutus would feel about the ides of march becoming a meme

[andsotheuniverseended]

the episode ending with Gabrielle and Xena finally taking a moment to actually mourn Ephiny, and holding each other

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for getting someone fired? (this is gonna sound like a rant and i’m sorry in advance)

I. Fucking. Hate. My. Boss. he thinks he’s so fucking smart, like i hate to break it to you pal but you’re just human like the rest of us.. you can be dumb sometimes (dumb often, in fact!!) not even mentioning how disrespectful he is to those lower down the ladder. really out here thinking he knows our jobs better than we do like ?? hello ??????

anyway, so i was venting to one of my friends who also works there (outside of work hours, obviously), and we decided to kind of go to HR about it because he is making the work environment so awful (i would leave just cause of him but the pay is worth it).

HR says they’ve already had complaints about him but everyone’s afraid to do something on their own, so we start making a sort of paper trail and talking to managers about him, etc.

managers surprisingly agree to have a meeting about him, so we all show up and they were maybe a little harsh? this isn’t super relevant but he did kinda fuck my mum at one point so i maybe had a built up resentment of him lol

so, aita for kinda stabbing my coworker in the back? (literally, haha, we stabbed him like 23 times…)

What are these acronyms?