#we were never able to make it work
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#this fucking hit hard#i love her and yet the term twin flame#dances around the concept of our relationship#we were never able to make it work#i’m still longing to make it work#but i feel it#i feel that we’re not soulmates#we’re twin flames#LMFAO NOT TO BE VULNERABLE
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#by god i will post about homestuck and you people will be normal about it#how hard is it to compliment an author's work without stating that they were [insert joke here about being posessed or on drugs or etc]#because i swear to god homestuck may be confusing from the outside and an extremely impressive feat of storytelling that will genuinely#probably never be able to be replicated. lightning in a bottle#but to imply that its anything other than an artists (or as it were a collective of artists) hard work is insulting.#'ohhh its so crazyyyy its insannneee' it really isnt. you just aren't taking the time to digest it. everything has its place#everything in homestuck is reasonably explicable and if you dont get it its usually a reference to something before your time#just read around the text and think. engage with it. unpack its ahead-of-its-time queer storytelling#and tragically-of-the-era anti-blackness in equal measure. take it fucking seriously as a text#it is impressive YES. it is borderline superhuman in execution YES. but its not ohhh some multiverse scp posessed blah blah blah#can you engage with a fucking text with an OUNCE of genuineness for ONCE in your IRONY POISONED ONLINE EXISTENCE?#this is the closest youre going to get to me being a bitch on main and it is because i have a hair trigger for how FUCKING ANNOYING#the discussion around homestuck is. you can NEVER GET ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE FUCKING DONE because everyone refuses#EVEN WHEN THEY ARE FANS to enagage with this text AS. A. TEXT.#and every time i bring the damn thing up every jokester in a 5000 mile radius has to make an offhanded remark that reminds me just how deep#the disregard of this text runs. like jesus christ. rational epilogue discussers get behind me we can start a new life. together. please
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our big post was getting long and it won't let me message so I thought I'd just come bother you here asldkfjsad I am like. so 1000% certain there is mention in the text that the initial purpose and efforts of Jonah and the Institute were to research the fears and prevent their many catastrophes, and that somewhere along the line he came to the conclusion that this wasn't viable, that the world and the fears simply didn't function in a way that was conducive to meaningfully stopping them from doing anything. which was how he settled into the position of 'well then I am going to use the instruments of power to save ME and build a ladder to free myself personally from their clutches forever' I def don't know when he started to turn from that, but i'll have to go back through the transcripts and find it again.
I do get that the narrative is written with Jon as the focal point, and that doesn't leave a lot of room for Elias to be sympathetic--he certainly doesn't make himself sympathetic TO Jon, or any of the Archives crew (beyond what I find to be an interesting amount of patience, understanding, and restraint he shows for them), but I still think like. Part of the beauty of Jonny's storytelling is that there is a kernel of completely understandable humanity to most everyone that's presented with any depth in the series, even the people we DON'T like. The "people here don't have excuses, they have causes" is again really excellent wording. There isn't really a lot of the usual karmic style reasoning or justice in this series; it isn't about Good People doing Good Things or Bad People doing Bad Things, it's just. People Doing Things, while under the influence of powers that are at once cosmic and beyond us, and inherently OF us.
adsfkjas this is getting long too I'm so sorry you activated a trap card here but idk. He absolutely is both manipulator and victim. He did all that shit, and all the while it's being done TO him, and he's walking this incredibly razor thin line between feeding his god/being empowered by it, and bc of it's nature knowing in intimate detail every nasty thing that awaits him should he fail (and I think being deathly afraid of it). That gif from Knives Out lmfao, compels me.
(apologies this probably isn't hugely coherent but there we are)
Thank you I am chewing on this ask violently. You Get It.
Unfortunate that tumblr killed your paragraph breaks, because I now can't find the section easily, but that thing about Jonny's character work in this series entirely consisting of aspects of "completely understandable humanity" is SO deeply how I feel about it. This is part of why I love horror of this kind so much. The horror being the fact that no one can really do anything to stop it opens up a space where the characters don't need to be presented along clear lines of good and evil, or even helping a cause or hurting it. It's a lot closer to how real people react in a natural disaster, if anything. There is love and selfishness and incredible acts of violence and cruelty and understandable failings and greed and fear, and pretty much all of it has a root that you can see, if you know enough about the people doing it and the circumstances to really feel where their mindset must be. I'd say Elias is functionally the closest thing TMA has to a narrative scapegoat, but that doesn't mean he is one. I almost feel like he's there as a pressure valve for the story, to be a villain if people need one to make sense of what's going on without having to constantly confront head-on the horror of the way the setting traps everyone in it. He can be made that kind of scapegoat, but only really by ignoring the parallels to Jon and the letters sent to him in older statements, and the way both show how the Fears drive the people who learn about them into more and more desperate straits.
It's kind of like that with all the older avatars. Simon Fairchild throws people off of stuff for a joke, because he's had more than 400 years of being steeped in the knowledge that humanity is both insignificant in the span of the universe, as well as utterly incapable of stopping the course of the Fears as they exert whatever influence they will by the force of sheer bulk. Peter Lukas never had a chance - he was born into this, isolation was his family and religion and paradoxically from childhood his only possible road to belonging. Adelard Dekker thought he was helping, as did Gertrude, even as they both fed the things that claimed them alongside those efforts. Nikola Orsinov was so far away from having an identity anymore that she couldn't go back if she wanted to, if she had even had enough left to want. Her world would have just been a home that was more like herself, and who hasn't wanted that? They're easier to vilify because their outlooks are harder to understand until the very end of the series, but looking back it's so clear that they were also just people once, and the writing never really lets you forget that.
If I said I'd tried to make all of these replies short, you probably wouldn't believe me. And Yet. I am not NORMAL about this show and the way Jonny writes people.
#statements of the void#tma#tma meta#you've activated MY trap card#one of the main reasons i gave this show a second listen and got into it as hard as i did this time is just this#the humanity of the characters#I think about it all the time whenever people criticize Tim or Melanie or Basira for their reactions to things#or hell; even Jon#sometimes especially Jon but he gets a bit more mercy for being the main character#but i just look at all of them and remember that they don't get a break from it like. ever. ANY of this#they are trapped and they are trapped with each other and with this growing terror and horrible knowledge#and the show takes place over years#for years they went to work each day and then went home again to hours we weren't privy to spent doing normal mundane stuff#making soup and doing laundry and standing in line to renew their driver's licenses and the entire time#being afraid#because they or their coworkers got EATEN BY WORMS. and their friend got REPLACED BY SOMETHING.#and they don't know what's going on! for most of the series they don't know that there are even vaguely grouped rules to this!#and if they did - once they do - would it even make it better?#not really!#maybe ''being aggressive and confrontational didn't help anything'' but I understand Melanie and Tim so deeply#because sometimes all you can do is laugh at the sheer nonsensical *awfulness* of something and then punch a wall#when it's so unfair and there's not even anyone to blame you have to blame Something or Someone or else become a supernova turned inward#and Jon just happened to be there#a closed office door for most of the time from their perspective#a guy who approaches all of this with a cold logic that they don't know covers terror just as deep as their own#and seems to only care about answers and progress instead of action#but only because he's too frozen and floundering himself to be able to accept just yet the terms of where he's been trapped#tangent. this is becoming one of those#but I think the fact that there is no one easy thing any person could have done differently that would have Fixed Things is important#the fact that there were better ways that never could have happened because of the humanity of everyone. also important
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my job is so racist im about to go and cry on the news or to the naacp because what the FUCK
#they aren’t letting two of my boys graduate#they were monsters at the beginning of the year i will never once deny it#but the school was told to jump thru these hoops and you bc an graduate and they jumped thru the hoops! they did all that was asked of them!#but now they aren’t allowed cuz they aren’t respectable black boysTM#one admin was like I shouldn’t have to get the respect of a child im an adult#and I was like girl WHAT? the first month of school is building relationships that’s what all teachers have to do you can’t just walk into a#room and expect them to do what you want. we work with troubled youth foster care all kinds of trauma they don’t trust anyone!#but you build relationships and they’re FINE#one of the boys lost his grandma that was his mom and he lost his mind. but before that he was spectacular. he had a traumatic experience#and it changed him. and we as adults need to help him thru it. but because he’s a black boy they don’t care#the other boy works after school. he hustles cuz if he doesn’t his family does not eat. and then he goes to school and deals with classrooms#full of nonblack kids are saying the n word. so he flips tables. that makes sense he’s 12! he’s not able to emotionally regulate he’s going#thru it! but they don’t care. they only care about our latinx kids. because and I quote ‘I care about him cuz he looks like my son’#so that kid is worth a damn but the kid that doesn’t look like you fuck him#got you makes sense#I was arguing it’ll I was damn near in tears trying to get them to change their mind#fuck this school man
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today i succeeded at a quest called Enable Your Girlfriend To Eat Dinner Before 3AM and i feel reasonably good about it
#the quest had various perils#mainly 'they forgot the tupperware of leftovers in our kitchen and i had to bring it them at work'#which i scaled handily. and even managed to find a time window for them to pick it up when they were not in a BL3 sterile suit#and therefore unable to receive texts! total success#box opener#now we work two buildings apart and i had to go in to the lab anyway. so this was not one of the great trials of the age#but i still feel useful and filled with triumph#theres something very satisfying‚ when you are a person who constantly makes minor stupid disorganization errors‚#about being able to completely rescue someone else from any consequences of a minor disorganization-based error.#you can just unhappen it! it never occurred! no mild problems to be had!!#also 🌸 is deliriously beautiful and perfect and i got to SEE THEM at an UNEXPECTED TIME#which was thrilling for me. as it always is.
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Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...
#Definitely not going to be able to stick with it just due to like... being realistic about my energy levels and etc. ESPECIALLY as we#enter the Evil Summer and it becomes hot all the time. But... one can attempt.. at least...#I'm also a very slow writer since I tend to re-read and edit while I write. and only move onto the next section once what I'm writing#seems okay. Which is easy for visual novel type stuff. since ''sections'' of a conversation are more clearly marked (like if you#have a menu option with 5 different dialogue choices. finish the character's response for choice 1 before moving onto 2. etc.)#Especially since when I'm done with a whole quest I always follow it up by playing through it and picking every option and making sure it#actually all works okay and etc. So I am already going to see it all a second time. Then I can go back and reorder a few words or remove#certain sentences that don't sound natural when I read them out loud (I always read it all outloud to myself since it is... just peple#talking.. it should sound like natural dialogue in their voice. etc). But my ''first draft'' is kind of not as first drafty since I pause t#edit a lot as I go along. So it also takes longer probably than it would take other people who I think treat a first draft as more#of a loose guideline or something. AANYWAY...#80F in my bedroom right now again... huzzah... I did end up finishing and recording that sims build video before the heat wave (or is#it really a heat wave if it's just summer..?? lol) came in.. but now... augh.. the editing... plus the costume photos and all else... Much#to do as always.. Often such a long todo list.. a giant scroll hung upon the walls of the evil hermit wizard tower..#Anyhow.. I hope I can finish getting ready for bed early in time to reward myself with a game of tripeaks solitaire whilst I snack on#cheddar cheese and some of those preserved artichokes in a jar. hrgm... I actually have nasturtiums (ultimate best flower) on the#deck again this year but I had to move them all into a corner today because the leaves were getting burnt by the sun lol.. Also am now more#cautiously weaving through social media to ignore all dragon age news. NOT bc of spoilers (I actually love spoilers/literally never play#any game until there's full guides on it I can read to plan my entire playthrough based on knowing exactly what I want to happen lol + mods#and etc.) but just because I'm so busy with my ownprojects I simply do not have the brainspace to dedicate... Yes I love to think#about elves and fictional universe lore. but no.. I pretend I do not see it. Does not exist to me actually. ghgj.. OHH also took som#cool pictures of flowers in the garden section of a store and I wanted to do like.. character designs based on the colors of the flowers o#something. but that might just be another unnecessary project to add to the pile.. I want to commit to the daunting task of dyeing my#hair again some time.. hrm.. this is all of the updates I can think of. As if a bunch of random tags make up for never posting anything for#weeks on end lol.. alas.. too warm to think properly I suppose.. .. I neeeeeed a long lost relative to leave me some million dollar#estate in their will so I can have the resources to move to a colder climate or something ..augh#.. but for now.. I shall toil away in my little wizard tower trying to write 2000 something words a day whilst sweating and such ghbj
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sebastian failing a class because he's terrified of hunt is a good bit and this time it's not even that man's fault
#he fails not because his work is terrible. i don't even think hunt finds his work terrible. it's because he misses too many classes#but sebastian is so scared of the Prospect of hunt finding his work terrible he just doesn't go to class#<- genius. he then has to redo the class and see hunt again#i have dropped the lore before that hunt is one of sebastian's favourite directors right. i know i did because i remember mentioning#john cassavetes as well. anyway. sebastian looks up to hunt a lot and he's terrified of interacting with hunt and 1. hunt hating#him (conscious) 2. his idealised image of hunt being shattered (unconscious). this is kinda homosexual behaviour ngl#let's ignore that for a bit we can return to that later. point here is sebastian's avoidance of frustration and the unknown and of life#in general. sebastian does not have any kind of social anxiety. just want to clear that up. he's just an introvert but he has no issue#talking to people. when i say sebastian is a coward i mean he avoids frustration and/or pain to the point it immobilises him/makes him#apathetic to life. so he doesn't Do Stuff. because what if he fails? what if he's rejected? what if it doesn't work out? i do think there's#a level of anxiety/low self esteem here but i also think it's a very comfortable place to stay after a while. esp. when you have someone#else as your compass (claire. and later on donna a little i think). so he starts to believe he might never be able to do anything and that'#when the cult comes into the story. i've already written about this bit before. okay. so sebastian failing hunt's class is another example#of him being afraid of... stuff. life. putting himself out there. and he always thought film was his safe haven and that he had figured ou#this One Thing but he got to university and wow... i guess not! i like this fear being represented by hunt. actually two things:#1. i like how hunt acts as a Figure for both claire and sebastian in different ways given their different upbringings and#2. how both claire and hunt exist as these idealised figures in sebastian's mind representing different aspects of his life/perceived#failures/fears/whatever. and claire and hunt marry that's so fun! i wonder how that makes sebastian feel.#so returning to point number 2 from earlier: sebastian's fear of hunt being something else entirely (than what he had idealised) puts hunt#in the same spot as claire in sebastian's mind. if he were not in a cult he would have the realisation of a lifetime here#anyway there's a little blurring of things here. there's a little convergence of things here. things are superimposed i'd say.#he and i are so similiar claire says. i bet sebastian replies#oc: sebastian ballion#oh that last bit says a lot about huntclaire too but this post is not about them. but big fan of how enmeshed they are#hm... sebastian failing and redoing the class... putting himself in the same situation as before...
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Every time Helluva Boss or Hazbin Hotel has a glimpse of genuinely GOOD WRITING, I go insane. Both of these shows feel like edging to me, like they will tease me with these bangers and then leave me to dry EVERY DAMN TIME.
#everywhere it's all 'Blitzo and Stolas' character development' 'Stolitz is back baby' 'I love to see them so healthy'#boring. bland. blah.#I mean yeah it's TECHNICALLY ''character development'' but not really?#and it's not good either#their sudden healthy bs came so far out of left field and it makes literally no sense#their current dynamic is SO obviously only like it is because the plot needs it to be that way#there's no actual subtance and their characters haven't GROWN they just Magically Got Better#I DO really like Blitzo learning to really desire a family and working on actually using his ability to empathize#the lovey scenes with him and Stolas would have hit more if they were more clumsy or awkward#he's just... too perfect? which is just so surface level it feels like a cop-out at LEAST give him some paralles#like if he was copying the family they refused to kill? Cinema. if he was awkwardly copying Mox and Mills? Real Good.#suddenly pulling out this gorgeous Perfect Lover rizz? eh. next.#BUT let's talk about the LOOK that Blitzo gave Stolas when he said Octavia hates gim#the realization that Stolas not only gave up his life but the ONE THING that made him happy- and also the ONE THING Blitzo has wanted so#SO badly because he and Loona never really... got that sort of a father/daughter thing since he adopted her when she was almost an adult#the whole ''I love you. dad'' honestly felt out of character for Loona given how awfully she's been towards Blitzo this entire time#it felt so blatantly like an insert to make Stolas realize JUST how badly he fucked up#and he DID like he WON'T admit it but he's always treated Octavia and her happiness like a backburner#she's been simmering in her own feelings this whole time and he forgets about her again and again and again#if Vivian weren't just kind of awful at fleshing out characters and repeating the same storylines until things Magically Get Better#the fact that we as an audience know next to nothing about Octavia would be borderline genius level writing#showcasing just how effort little Stolas actually puts into his relationship with her that a narrative centered around him all but entirely#neglects his daughter and how she was right that she will get older and he will only know her name#because he just does not actually put in that effort (no matter how much he wants to or thinks he does)#but that opening wound isn't just about Stolas it really feels like it's about BLITZO#and I feel like this would be an INCREDIBLE aspect of his character to genuinely flesh out#as well as giving Octavia more actual interaction and interwoven character dynamics#like Blitzo has SEEN the damage that he is able to do with Verosika and Fizzarolli but he still doesn't /really/ understand his own damage#and I think this would be perfect to flesh him out more as well as perhaps FINALLY add some character nuance to the series to finely put:#yes Stolas is right for chasing his heart. but YES Octavia is right for being upset!!!
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PASSED ALL MY CLASSES YIPPEEEE
#personal#the engineering chronicles#on the one hand how the mighty have fallen etc but on the other. thank FUCK this semester is over#it wasn’t even that bad objectively like if i hadn’t had the musical im pretty sure this semester would have been a breeze. but w the#musical everything was so scattered i never had time to do hw and i had to skip classes to meet w ppl for group projects bc the only time#any of us were available was in the mornings except then the meetings would go later than planned and i wouldn’t be able to make it to#my morning class and. etc. rehearsals till 10 like 5 times a week just did not work on in this regard. BUT WE DID IT <3 scraped a b- out of#physics w my highest test score in that class and will likely end probability w a b#<- he put in my final exam grade (88 🥳) but there are still three labs that need to be graded so technically my grade could fall to a b- or#c+ but neither is likely#still mad abt that 60 i got on the last exam bc if i had done as well on that exam as i did every other exam for this class i could have#ended w a b+ or a- but. whatever i’m just relieved this courseload is over with. even if i will be thrown right back into everything in a#week at least there is this week for me to relax and not feel awful for failing even more classes this year lmao
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i missed that class what dont you like about starlins rendition of their relationship?
(and also like, DID you think he did something in particular well or was it all…meh
the crux of my issues in this regard stems from batman #416. in the post-crisis era you began to see this way more lopsided depiction of bruce and dick's relationship wherein the former was portrayed to be almost.. bitter that dick had moved on to establish his own life. and it stood in great, great contrast to the bruce of the pre-crisis era, who was certainly devastated at the realization that dick was growing up, but also very intent for him to find his own happiness and way in life. they would have their disagreements on occasion (e.g., bruce initially disapproving of dick dropping out of college, bruce immediately taking leadership of a situation where the titans were involved when dick was better equipped to handle it, etc.) but the outcome of those situations was never outright bad yknow. bruce was very much capable of recognizing where he might have overstepped and subsequently stepped back to let dick have his own space. and i think initially max allan collins expanded on that dynamic in the post-crisis era in interesting ways by juxtaposing bruce's desire to see dick flourish against his own constant fear for dick's life. so instead of mike w. barr's comedic and lighthearted backup stories in early 80s tec where bruce disguised himself to keep an eye on dick's shenanigans and assure himself everything was going alright, you got this more serious confrontation within bruce with regards to his position as a parent. i don't think a lot of people read it that deeply but i've always viewed batman #408 as one of the most sensible depictions of that dilemma. the general complaints tend to be that this issue robbed dick of his pre-crisis decision to retire robin on his own, and i'll concede that as a worthwhile concern. but i don't think it's esp damning what with the implication that bruce no longer wants to be the person indirectly making the decision for dick to continue to be in this line of work. their moment at dick's bedside is less about bruce robbing him of the decision and more about him saying, if i let you still be robin, that's a direct reflection on me, bc i'm the one who got you to do all of this originally. i'm the one who put you directly in harm's way. if you're going to do this from now on, you need to do it on your own terms. you need to decide for yourself that this is who you want to be, without your relationship with me even being a factor.
it's a moment contributive to that delicious dynamic between them wherein every decision bruce takes to service dick's agency is inevitably read the wrong way by the latter to imply that he's not valued or not worthy of being seen as bruce's equal (and before the hounds pounce on me this obv does not include the increasingly abusive depiction of their relationship as the 90s progressed). that is an unavoidable dilemma when you're simultaneously someone's ward/adopted son and also their partner-in-crime! dick wants to be bruce's son and to be entitled to all of the love and care and protection that that entails but he also wants to be bruce's brother, his equal, his confidante, the one person he trusts more than anyone else in the world, etc. it's a tough place to be! it is paradoxical! and i'm so, so open to seeing that explored and think the way collins attempted to approach it in #408 was marvelous. but the way starlin (and other writers as well) totally swerved right in #416 to create this sudden resentment in bruce that dick had grown out of needing him was.. so utterly bizarre. like completely out of left field in a way i don't understand why people don't question it anymore bc in light of everything in the immediate fifteen years prior to the crisis it makes so little sense. their relationship with each other was so valued, bruce was so anxious to see dick establish himself while nonetheless maintaining a protectiveness over him, but it was all very much in good will even if he could overstep on occasion. it had all of the potential to allow for a very nuanced, empathetic exploration into the dilemmas of parenthood and esp when you are someone like bruce who has to forever live and contend with the crime of taking kids with him out onto the streets. bc he has to feel guilty! there is no escaping it. this is history, done and dusted forever, can't go back in time, so on and so forth. whatever harm comes any robin's way he has to live with as in some part being traceable back to his own actions. and i frankly believe that would be far more likely to evoke grief and anxiousness and concern than it would be bitterness that his son is charting out his own life
#as to do i think starlin did anything well. hmm#i like that he was able to acknowledge that jason's parents were loving people despite their circumstances#it didn't matter that willis was a criminal. what mattered was that he loved his family and would've done anything for them#which was a rare concession from starlin bc his writing could be pretty classist elsewhere#but at the same time idk sometimes i read it back and it's like. i don't think he was actually as classist as winick was ultimately#like it's been a While since i reread the starlin issues#but you could tell he believed jason's demise was less about his social class and more about being unable to fully recover from#or process his trauma as a result of the life he'd lived and the things he'd experience. hence the garzonas saga#and even in a death in the family the question is never about whether jason is acting out bc he's criminally inclined#bruce explicitly says he doesn't think he's given jason enough time to mentally and emotionally recover and that's why#he suspends him. so even starlin knew it was about the trauma first and foremost#and i mean that somewhat goes in line with his reasons for wanting to kill robin to begin with#he thought robin was symbolically representative of child abuse#in that it wasn't the conduit through which a young boy should necessarily grow#and ideally? the way to explore that in a medium that Requires the existence of child vigilantes#would have been to make the distinction that while there is always going to be some danger to every robin at the end of the day#what made the danger to jason distinct was that robin didn't work to resolve His trauma specifically#what robin did for dick is never something it could have done for jason let alone tim. there were too many other factors at play#so if this dilemma had been approached that way rather than starlin pursuing a blanket robin is child abuse ideology#that was subsequently picked up by other writers. then i think we might have gotten somewhere quite interesting#but anyway yeah so he's not my most hated by any means. there are parts i love there are parts i hate#ultimately at the end of the day winick will always be a gazillion times worse#outbox
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waiting for people to realise that RE3R feels more action orientated because Jill is a fucking trained professional she was in STARS (Jill was one the few who survived the Spencer estate) and the fucking army be like
#resident evil 3 remake#playing the waiting game and we always return to rose dawson in the end#resident evil#jill valentine#tyrell patrick#carlos oliveira#fandom wank#kinda#its not like the re1 hd remaster came that long ago#sarcasm#the re1 hd remaster tanked and makes no sense because of being able to play either Chris or Jill#the canon version is Chris however it makes me twitch because we never get any real explanation for how Jill gets in the cell#where she sits twiddling her thumbs#or how Barry survives#re3r defense squad#yeah this is where I am now#the director for RE3R worked on the original Nemesis#RE1 is fun however headache inducing I find it (i am procrastination for it at the minute I am playing it hard)#i also read a post today talking about RE3R and complaining how easy the 2nd boss was once they knew what to do (they were on easy mode)#they shared a screenshot and those were their stats#took every thing in my power not to respond#block and move on (I found the post as I was trying to remember something and had to find it again for this post and petty block)#re3make#resident evil 3
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household enemy to the yyh watchthrough number one is the olympics. it's taken us a week to get two episodes into the gamemaster fight
#out of three. please the third episode's what makes it okay im fighting for my life out here#it is NOT for lack of trying on my part but theres only a brief window of time when the olympics is not happening#and as it turns out the watchthrough is Not my mom's first priority (how dare she etc)#i do feel slightly bitter that we've gotten through two eps of band o brothers in the same time#we are fighting for the same timeslots yet somehow the hour long show's gotten a leg up??#you don't have time for a 23 min ep but DO for a 60 min one?? explain the math to me please#idk how to explain the vague feeling of betrayal bc it Does Not make sense Nor matter in the slightest#but cmonnnn we were doing so well. and my little bro's starting up school again soon and my dad's gotta go back to work#sometimes eventually (<- hes on medical leave) and my grandparents are coming over next week We're Losing Time Soon#ughhh if i'd known the olympics were happening (<- somehow completely oblivious to this) i'd have accounted for#my mom getting whisked away by the land of synchronized divers and shot putters and whatever the hell#happens in the summer olympics (<- only pays attention to winter olys)#bc that always happens. and *i* have to go back to school in Some Amount Of Time Im Too Scared To Check (p sure it's late aug though) and#when that happens i'll (hopefully) be stuck across town which means we won't be able to do it any time besides the weekends#and i don't wannaaaaa#i know this is the least important problem anyone's ever had like i get that i know but#it's important to me that they sit down and watch this with me. and watching it pull apart and being#the one who's easily the most invested it makes me look all desperate when i ask them for their time and they can't give it#we can only pull this off neatly in the summer and we were so close and now we're losing it right at the finish line#i don't want life to get in the way of this little bubble i've fought so hard to make y'know#and it's childish and embarrassing and whatever but i just want them to have fun with me with this thing i care about a lot#but i can't do that bc my mom needs to watch the judo matches at Every weight class#even though she's recording a lot of them? i don't understand but whatever i know it's her thing im just moping about it ig#i want it to be as perfect an experience for them as possible and it's slipping away from me#and i don't wanna leave this project unfinished when i start school y'know. sighh#i think they might feel like i only want them around when we're watching stuff. whcih is weird bc that's like#The Singular Way we family bonded literally my whole life so idk why they wouldn't get that when reversed#but either way that IS how i wanna spend time with them. i want them to understand this thing that's become a part of me#and i wanna talk With them about it. and so far it's been fun in a way it's never been before. my mom at least seems to really like it#and i want it to Keep going well bc if we lose momentum im worried they'll start finding it tedious. sighh
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another childhood bucket list item obtained: i finally have a snuggie
#and it's the real thing not even a knockoff#kinda surprised they still exist#but also not surprised bc Blanket. blanket is universal#i just remember a lot of those As Seen On Tv ads like. imploding within 5 years#they still do As Seen On Tv products like there are still boxes marked with that logo it almost feels wrong like an ancient relic#bc most like. ubiquitous 2000s brands from my childhood are just Gone or at least so fundamentally changed it's not the same thing#heard about like 50 more companies going bankrupt probably in the last year alone#anyway ive always wanted a snuggie it's one of those Always Wanted things that never go away#others include: staples easy button (obtained!); mini fridge (not); pillow pet (i had a knockoff once); power drill (not)#i spent a surprising amount of my childhood actually going out of my way to buy stuff i could use in my own apartment in the future#i grew up lower middle class and then just lower class#so like. i always Knew i couldn't just furnish the whole apartment at once i Knew I'd have to build stuff up over time#also bc when my sister got kicked out she had like. nothing. in her trailer. and i did not want to have nothing#i knew if dad was willing to just toss out my sister like that i would absolutely follow suit#and i did! two years younger than my sister when she was!#it just happened that my mom didn't want me homeless at FOURTEEN when i legally could not work for two more years#so she went with me and we lived with my grandma#so take that dad. turns out throwing family members out willy nilly makes the rest of your family not trust you or like you!#and now i get to rub it in his face that HE can't function in a house by himself and still needs to beg my mom to clean up after him#bc i spent so much of my childhood getting berated and called lazy for not doing chores#getting told stuff like 'you have to function by yourself your parents can't always pick up after you'#and then he's literally useless without his wife#he's not disabled and he's not neurodivergent he's never even had a serious health scare he just doesn't bother to learn how to clean#his excuse is that he doesn't know how to use the washer and dryer (it has been almost ten years fucker. learn)#or he doesn't know which cleaning products to use (you have google and a library card. LOOK IT UP)#he's the only person i get mad at for this behaviour bc he's a fucking hypocrite and a child abuser about it too#he is the exception to my rule of everyone needs to be given the space to get things done where they're able and deserve help when needed#and I'll bend over backwards to make excuses for other people so i DONT exclude them from my rule i will try to find every good reason first#he has no fucking excuse though he made two teenagers nearly homeless bc he thought we were too lazy and then he's even worse
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