#well. I dunno. can a food crimes post be spoiled? who knows. probably

[secondbeatsongs]

new year, new food crime

I hate it when recipe bloggers tell you the entire rundown of their day before giving the recipe, so just to start off, I'm going to put this here:

3 cups of liquid (water + shrimp water) 3 packets unflavored gelatin 1 tbsp vegetable base (or a bouillon of some kind; that'd probably be fine) 1 large handful of shrimps (approx 20) 3 eggs, hard-boiled and sliced 1 small bag mixed frozen vegetables, thawed a gelatin mold or bowl with a capacity of 4 cups

now, looking at this ingredients list you might be asking, "hey SBS, what the fuck did you cook this time?" and to that I say: buckle up.

so I've been watching Arne & Carlos' videos for a bit, firstly because I was curious if they were gay (they seem to be), and secondly because I like their knitting patterns

but their channel isn't just knitting! they also cook together, and it's fun and chaotic, and one of the things they cooked…intrigued me.

I don't know how this dish is spelled. cabaret? kabaret? there are only a few recipes for it online, and most of those are not in english. but essentially, it is a Norwegian aspic with shrimp, vegetables, and hard-boiled egg in it.

what is aspic, you might ask? well, it's…I mean…it's meat jello. that's what it is. you cook meat for a while (some recipes say to use pig's feet, snout, etc), and it makes a gelatinous broth, which solidifies when it cools.

delightful!

however, I am not willing to make aspic from scratch for this, so I substituted it with unflavored gelatin packets. hooray!

(apparently in Norway, you can buy packets of instant aspic! but since you can't do that here, I looked up what ingredients are in instant aspic, and after putting them through google translate, decided "huh, seems like gelatin powder with some kind of bouillon", so that's how I ended up here)

this recipe isn't so much cooking as it is…construction. like sure, you heat up the gelatin, but after that it's pretty much just putting stuff together.

and apparently you can make this with pre-cooked or canned shrimp, but I only had the raw frozen kind, so I put them in a saucepan with just enough water to cover them, heated them until they were fully cooked, and then saved the water from the pan to mix in with the gelatin.

so, shrimpy water + enough water to make 3 cups of liquid, and then I mixed in vegetable base until it tasted…fine. (it didn't taste good, it just tasted…okay.)

then I heated up the liquid in the microwave (in a big 4-cup measuring cup), mixed in the three gelatin packets, and there you go! that's all of the cooking done.

now, for the assembly.

I put some of the shrimp all the way at the bottom of the jello mold, trying to arrange it so that it would look nice. I sliced the hard-boiled eggs, and put the prettiest slices of egg around the edges, sprinkling in some vegetables and pouring gelatin as I went.

…and then I gave up on being artistic, and just kinda lumped everything else in, and covered it with the gelatin mixture.

(unfortunately I didn't think to take pictures of the assembly portion of this, because I was multitasking at the time and got distracted, but you'll just have to trust me that it was a tolerable experience, and didn't look very interesting)

after that I chucked it into the fridge (gently), and left it alone while I streamed with makerrcat for a bit, stayed up way too late, and then passed out in a dramatic fashion.

13-ish hours later, I rescued it from its frigid prison.

hmmm

stare into the murky depths with me for a moment. look at this…nightmarish placid soup. this motionless broth.

one of my egg slices definitely didn't get covered all the way. 

ah, well.

to unmold this monstrosity, I put it in a bowl of hot water for a minute or so, until it seemed like it could pull away from the edges. it really didn't take much, so if you (god forbid) try this yourself, keep an eye on it. gelatin melts fast.

then I put a plate over the jello mold, and flipped it over.

after a few tense seconds, it released from the mold with a slimy kthnk sound.

carefully. nervously. I lifted the mold.

and then I let out an involuntary "oh!" because…

…it's kind of…eerily beautiful?

like in a horrifying sort of eldritch way, it looks…lovely

vegetables and shrimp and eggs, suspended not just in space but in time, preserved and surrounded by a gelatinous cocoon…

I just like staring at it, okay! I just think it looks cool! so here's another picture of it from the side:

the egg slices…the little bits of yolk…enchanting

it definitely smells like food. but it's unclear what kind. vaguely shrimp-vegetable-egg, but muddled

let's cut into it

oh. oh god. it made kind of a…squelch? when I cut it?

hold on, you have to experience this for yourselves

god. deeply unsettling.

now, seeing what the inside is like is kind of interesting! there are places where the gelatin has sort of splintered apart from being cut, and there are gaps where pieces of vegetable have fallen out.

but...how does it taste?

...

fuck.

I really like it

this bizarre combination of textures is weirdly satisfying! the squish of the egg and the gelatin, the slight crunch of the vegetables and shrimp, it's just…good?

the gelatin itself just tastes vaguely of broth, but I don't mind it! I don't know if I would eat it by itself, but with the shrimp, egg, and veggies, it's perfectly okay!

the shrimp, egg, and vegetables of course just taste (respectively) like shrimp, egg, and vegetables, but that's...fine? I like all of these things, so this is pretty enjoyable!

so, some of the recipes I managed to find mention serving it with sort of a mayo-mustard mix, so obviously I have to try that

this...helps? like, it tastes really pleasant?

not that it was bad before, but it remains an enjoyable experience!

and a video that I saw (but could not understand) seemed to show it served on a piece of bread, again with the mayo-mustard.

this is also fine! I enjoy this too! I don't feel like it needs the bread, but it's all right!

this is bizarre.

I think most people would probably hate this. it's got the look of a 1960s party food (which is probably what it is), and "meat jello" isn't a texture that modern society regularly enjoys, but…I love it.

I actually love this.

I kind of understand now why people call dishes like this a "jello salad", because…I mean, I'm eating it, and my brain is saying, "yup. this is a salad" and I have no fucking idea why, but this right here? salad. for sure.

cold, wet salad.

damp, even.

so like...is this objectively good food? probably not.

but is it fun to eat? I think so. 

it's refreshing, somehow. it's light, but also more filling than I expected it to be. I have no idea how much would be considered a reasonable serving, but I intend to figure it out as I go along.

so I'm not saying "go make this!" because although this combination of textures plays well with my brain in particular, I don't think that would be the case for everybody.

but I will be eating the rest of this.

weirdly? weirdly, it's just good.

-

an edit, a few days later:

I have done it. I have consumed the entire thing. and I enjoyed every bite of it.

in fact, I plan on making it again! probably more than once!

food crime? no. food…

(pauses to look up what the opposite of "crime" is)

…food blessing. food virtue. food achievement! food…benevolence.

this is what cabaret is.

at least, that's what it is to me.

(create and consume at your own risk.)

[turtle-steverogers]

Not Guilty- 2

murder mystery’s back! im having too much fun with this story guys

Link to chap 1 in case you need it

warnings: albert being a human disaster, abuse of the word ‘milk’

ship: ralbert, platonic spalbert

word count: 1680

editing: lmaoooo no

Chap 2

When Albert gets to the precinct the next morning, he’s wary to find a wrapped parcel on his desk that looks suspiciously like a sandwich.  He pokes at it, frowning when he sees a singular smiley face drawn on the underside in black sharpie.

 “Hey, uh, Spot?” He calls, looking up when he hears his partner’s chair roll out from his desk and subsequently poke his head around the low wooden wall that separates their cubicles.

“Yes, honeycakes?” Spot’s expression is the face of innocence and Albert’s stomach churns.

“Did you-” He stumbles, gesturing to the presumed sandwich, “Is this for me?”

“It’s on your desk, isn’t it?” Spot smiles, rolling back into his cubicle.

Albert sighs, taking off his messenger bag and jacket and sitting heavily in his desk chair.  He cautiously unwraps the white paper to find a loaded meatball sub sitting in the middle of a napkin.  There’s a sticky note placed delicately on the fluffy white bread and Albert plucks it up, squinting at the words:

Sorry you didn’t finish your sandwich xoxo Spottie

He laughs probably too loud and sticks the sticky note on his desktop, right next to the note from Jack that reads: ‘I’m sorry for stealing your pants, I had brains on mine’ after Jack had taken his extra pair of slacks from his locker when his got spoiled at a crime scene.

He takes a bite of the sandwich, pleased to find that he can still stomach his favorite Gianno’s special after yesterday’s events.  As he chews, careful not to get any tomato sauce on his shirt, he plucks a sticky note from his own pad and scrawls out: Thanks, Pop Spotcket.  Love u, dear xoxo and tosses it over to Spot.

A moment later, Spot snorts indignantly, “‘Pop Spotcket’? Really? Does anyone actually use those anymore?  The only person I know who has one is my niece and she’s eleven.”

Albert rolls his chair so he’s in Spot’s cubicle, sandwich still in hand, “I have one, asshole.  They’re useful.  Anyway, thanks for the sandwich.  How’s it looking at Gianno’s?”

Spot sighs wearily, placing a stack of papers down and turning from his computer to look at Albert, “Eh.  They’re closed today.  I stopped by this morning to pick up some evidence left at the crime scene and one of the waiters asked if I wanted anything and I remembered that you didn’t get to finish your lunch yesterday so…”

“Thanks, man,” Albert says, mouth full.  Spot wrinkles his nose and tells him not to speak with food in his mouth.  Albert rolls his eyes, “Anyway, evidence?  What’s new?”

“Nothing really,” Spot says, “Just Wiesel’s receipt from his last meal.  Wasn’t really much on it, but it gave us a sure timestamp that lines up with our original record, so at least that’s set.”

“Good,” Albert shoves the last bit of sandwich into his mouth, licking his fingers.

“Yeah.  Saw our boy there, though.”

Albert raises his eyebrows, “Higgins?”

“Mhm.”

“How’s he?”

Spot shrugs, “Didn’t talk to him.  Kid looked like shit.  Well, more shitty than yesterday if that’s somehow possible.  Kept sending cute little glares my way, fucking ray of sunshine, that one.”

“Christ,” Albert grimaces, “I’m convinced he’s a player in this debacle somehow.  I mean, he seemed genuinely surprised when he found out the vic was Wiesel, but too many strings lead to connections on his end.”

“Yeah,” Spot agrees, “I dunno, I say we dig a little into Wiesel’s other relations as well.  I feel like there’s a gap here somewhere.”

“Toxicology came back,” Albert says after a pause.

Spot looks at him, eyebrows raised, “And?”

“Sarin poison in the blood.  Stab wounds were post-mortem.  Someone wanted this shit to look messier than it is.”

“Interesting.  I wonder who’d go through the trouble of poisoning, then following up with a physical attack.  ‘Specially in a public place.  S’kinda risky.”

“That’s what I was thinking, but whoever it was, clearly knew what they were doing.”

“Clearly…”

XXX

Albert never understood why there was such a wide variety of milks in the world.  And why, in this moment, he can’t find any simple fucking 2%.  

He scans over the selection again, bypassing the almond and oat milks and skimming over the fritzy lactose free shit.  There’s strawberry milk and chocolate milk on display and even horrifyingly enough, mint milk, but no fucking 2%.  It’s not even like this fucking bodega is big enough to warrant having so many milks. 

He just wants some damn normal person milk!

“Excuse me, detective.” 

Albert doesn’t startle.  He doesn’t.  He’s a trained law enforcement officer and detective.  People like him don’t fucking startle.  But, he is on high, professional alert when he turns around to see Antonio Fucking Higgins standing behind him, eyebrows raised in what’s probably amusement and hands shoved in his pockets.

Albert makes a strangled noise, eyes working on their own accord as they trail down Higgins’ body.  He’s sweaty, looking like he just came from some sort of workout, and a pair of tight adidas running pants hug his legs in all the right places.  He’s in a tank top today, somehow doing his arms more justice than the grey shirt he’d been wearing yesterday.  A hat sits backwards on his head, doing little to tame the curls that are trying to sneak out of the stupid hole where the strap meets the fabric.  He looks hot and it’s unfair and Albert’s never been ashamed of his sexuality, but right now he’s wishing that he could reign in his gay ass a little bit because aside from the fact that Higgins is a bit of a prick, he’s also a suspect and that’s, like, number one in the Book of Nope for cops of any kind.

Higgins is still looking at him, but now there’s a small crease of concern between his eyebrows, “You alright, man?” He asks, “You look kinda like you’re having a heart attack.  Do you have any chest pain?  Your left arm feel numb at all?”

Albert shakes himself, morphing his expression into something he hopes looks less like Gay Panic, “Yeah, sorry, I-” He splutters a bit, then shuts his mouth with a click.  

Higgins scoffs, “I just need milk, man, you mind?”

Albert starts, hastily stepping out from where he was definitely blocking the milk selection and watching as Race grabs a carton of-- fucking 2%.  How did he find it so fast?  How did Albert not see it?  He’s supposed to be the one trained to look for details others don’t see!

Trying not to flush, Albert reaches out and grabs a carton as well and Higgins looks at him again, laughing, “You were standing here for a long time, dude, I thought you were gonna murder the milk for a second.”

“Couldn’t find the 2%.” Albert mumbles, blushing harder when Higgins laughs louder.

“Real good reconnaissance there, detective.”

When Higgins is laughing, his face changes into something a whole lot more pleasant.  Not that it was ever unpleasant (the dude’s got a jawline of a god), but some of the hardness in his eyes and shadows on his face go away and for just a second, he looks like the 25 year old he’s supposed to be.  It’s nice, Albert thinks, ignoring the way alarm bells are going off in his head.

“Shut up, Higgins, I’m tired.  Some of us have to read about murders all day, so excuse me if my milk finding skills aren’t the most refined.”

Higgins’ face softens and the smile in his eyes turns into something else that Albert doesn’t want to dissect, “Race.”

“What?”

“Higgins is my dad, not me.  And I don’t like the name Antonio very much, so if we’re gonna be talking more, be it over murder or milk, call me Race.”

“Race?”

Higgins--Race--winks, “That’s a story for level five amici.”

“Oh, okay.”

They pause for a moment and even though Albert’s not drunk, his inhibitions seem to flutter away from him against his will as he blurts out, “Drinks sometime? Would- uh- would you wanna get drinks sometime?”

And fuck-fuck- SHIT- what are you doing Dasilva? What the fuck?

Race considers him for a moment, “Not that I wouldn’t hit that,” he nods to Albert’s body and Albert flushes.  Damnit with the flushing!  He’s 26, not some flouncy high schooler, “But I don’t think that’s a good idea, detective.”

Albert nods, “No, yeah, honestly I don’t know why I asked- uh-”

“Relax, don’t have an aneurysm, it’s okay.  I just don’t think it’s a good idea right now.”

“No no, you’re right.  Absolutely.”

There’s another pause, then Race smiles apologetically, “I gotta go get the rest of my groceries.  Take care.”

Albert cringes internally at how fucking painfully awkward this exchange has been, “You too,” he says, watching Race retreat to the wine aisle.  He takes another moment to gather himself, then goes to the checkout line.

XXX

Albert turns up the volume on his TV, pleased with the quiet solitude of his apartment for the night.  He doesn’t love living alone, but it’s been a long couple days and he’s been looking forward to a night to himself since he’d woken up that morning.  Just him, some thai, and the Animal Planet playing reruns of ‘It’s Me or the Dog’ all night.  Fucking self care.

He’s just yelling at some dog owner on the TV for feeding his pug 24 eggs a day and watching as Victoria Stilwell chews out the greasy fucker when his phone rings on the coffee table in front of him. 

Groaning, Albert mutes the show and chugs down a few sips of beer, before picking up the phone and answering with an annoyed, “Someone better be dying.”

There’s silence on the other end and Albert pulls the phone away from his ear to check the caller ID.  It’s Spot.  Shit, someone might actually be dying.”

“Spot?  Everything okay?”

Spot sounds sheepish when he says, “Well no one’s dying, technically…”

“But…”

“There was another murder.”

“Shit.”

-

Race went straight home after the bodega, right? RIGHT!??!? stay tuned ;)

thanks saph for ‘pop spotcket’

thanks for reading, chiefs

hmu to be added to my tag

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[cwnerd12]

“Faking It” Andrew gets led through the hallways of the palace, holding a bottle of wine. He glances around, “I see renovations are nearly done.” The aide leading him ignores his comment and opens a door, “King David is waiting for you inside.” Andrew goes into the dining room, and sees David standing there, waiting for him. Andrew, “Your Majesty. Thank you so much for inviting me tonight.” David warily, “Just call me David,” he gestures over to a seat, “And please, sit.” David sits down, and Andrew hands the bottle of wine to a waiter. To David, he says, “I brought a bottle of wine for just to enjoy with dinner tonight. It’s a lively grenache from a small winery on the Carmel coast.” David, “Yeah, sounds great, serve it up.” As they go on with their conversation, the waiter uncorks the bottle and serves the wine. Andrew, “And what’s being served tonight?” David, “Grilled Pacific octopus.” Andrew, “Superb.” David gestures to the waiters, “Can you start serving us?” The waiters nod and get to work. Andrew, “I have to say I’m surprised that you would invite me here for dinner.” David, “Think of this as a peace offering.” Andrew raises an eyebrow. David, “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said to me at the wedding reception. Ultimately, I think you’re right. WE both have a common interest in seeing the truth get told.” Andrew smiles, “Well, I’m delighted we can see eye-to eye on this.” David, “There’s still a few things I want you to understand.” Andrew, “Oh?” David, “When the sex tape got leaked, yeah, it was embarrassing. But that was just a small part of it. When it came out that Jack and I were a couple, it put the AFG in danger, and we had to leave Ammon.” Andrew, “Yes, I’m well aware, and I know what you’re getting at. You don’t want me publishing state secrets, and that’s all fine. I have no interest in publishing classified military intelligence. My Uncle Silas kept so many secrets, and look what it did to our nation. What secrets are you keeping, David?” David laughs nervously, “I don’t have any secrets.” Andrew, “You’d be surprised.” David stares at Andrew awkwardly as waiters serve the food. Andrew smiles at his server, “Thank you so much,” he looks down at the food, “This looks incredible,” he begins to eat, “Mmmm. Absolutely unbelievable.” David quietly eats his food. Andrew, “I got dragged to so many awkward palace family dinners growing up. I would tolerate the awkward conversation and annoying cousins because the food was always so delicious. I am absolutely thrilled to see that in this regard, nothing has changed.” David, “Yeah, no kidding. The food goes a long way to making this whole king business easier.” Andrew, “I’ve heard you’re something of a foodie. The quickest way to gain your favor is with some new exotic dish you haven’t tried.” David, “If you’re implying that I can be bribed with food, I can’t.” Andrew, “I’m not implying anything. I’ve just repeating what’s been observed.” David sighs, “I’ll make a deal with you.” Andrew, “Yes?” David, “You can publish whatever you want about me, but, stay away from Jack.” Andrew raises his eyebrow in surprise. David, “Look, I don’t care what people say about me. I mean, I’m the king, of course I’m gonna get talked about and criticized and made fun of. I welcome it. But right now Jack is going through a recovery that’s difficult enough without constant coverage over every little frustration and setback.” Andrew, “Are you talking about when we reported on his seizures and headaches?” David, “Yeah.” Andrew smirks, “I heard you were upset over that. You really shouldn’t be upset over it, we only reported facts.” David, “I watched him get shot.” Andrew, “Yes, I’m familiar with this story.” David, “I can’t tell you what kind of hell it is to be completely helpless knowing that the person you love is hurt and needs you, and you can’t be there.” Andrew, “Jack is a public figure.” David, “Please. At least for as long as he’s recovering. After that, you can report all you want on him, but for now…. please.” Andrew grins with smug satisfaction, “You know, it’s really quite gratifying to see a king beg. I suppose if I refuse, you’re going to threaten me, imply that I’m somehow colluding with Gath.” David, “I’m not. I’m asking you sincerely.” Andrew, “And I can see how very sincere you are,” he takes a bit of food and smiles, “Very well. I won’t publish anything about Jack’s recovery.” David, “Thank you.” Andrew, “I am still free, however, to publish about Jack himself. The public has a right to know that he’s a spoiled brat who wanted the luxury and privilege of being royal without the responsibilities of being king, so he passed it off to you.” David sighs and rolls his eyes, “I don’t care if you publish that because it’s not even remotely true.” Andrew, “Truth is subjective.” David, “Are we in agreement, then?” Andrew thinks for a moment, “I suppose we are.” David, “Good.” Andrew smiles brilliantly, “I’m glad we could come to this understanding. Perhaps, with a little luck, we can build a better relationship going into the future.” David, “I hope we can so that.” Andrew, “And believe me, I do understand, you and Jack have been through some truly unbelievable things together. It’s only natural that you’re very protective of him.” David, “I couldn’t be king without him. He’s the one thing keeping me sane in all this. I- I know it’s probably stupid of me trying to appeal to your humanity like this.” Andrew smiles, “You know, I’m not the villain you must think I am. I don’t want to end up like my father, lost in petty grievances. I want to be a man my daughter can be proud of, even if I am in a rather unsavory business.” David, “You must be proud of her.” Andrew, “Oh, yes. You know, for as angry as I initially was when Jack took CrossGen from me, now I’m almost glad to be relieved of it. The shackles of three hundred years of familial expectations have been taken off of me. I can be my own man.”

David sits in the council chamber with Reinhardt, Abby, and Shay. Shay, “We’re taking a number of troops off of the Ammon border, and I need to know what to do with them.” Reinhardt, “We’re sending them to the Gath front, obviously.” David, “I’m a little hesitant about that. Is Shaw gonna see that as some sort of escalation?” Reinhardt, “We can’t operate out of fear of angering Shaw.” David, “Yeah, I know, it’s just, he’s gonna react to this, so we need to do it carefully.” Shay, “With the forces re-distributed along the front, we have enough to fight back if he decides to attack us.” David, “The goal is to get him to not attack us.” Abby, “That’s what I’m here for.” Reinhardt, “Gath’s army is still hurting from the failure of the CrossGen contract. They were counting on continued manufacturing, and they’re scrambling to make up the gap with what little resources they have.” David, “That’s good to know.” Reinhardt goes on, “Also, Gath isn’t immune from the David effect.” David raises his eyebrows in curiosity. Reinhardt, “Our sources are reporting a sharp increase in talk of a resistance to Premier Shaw. The people want and end to the war, too, and they want their rights.” Rose enters, “I have something you need to address!” David, “I’m kind of busy.” “Rose, it needs to be addressed now.” She pulls out her phone and presses a button. A recording of David’s voice, “That doesn’t sound like the fucking woods to you?!” Rose, “It was posted on OMGossip. What is it?” David, sighing with annoyance, “It’s me having a panic attack in the apartment in Ashdod. I fucking knew that place was bugged.” Abby, “We were all careful about everything we said. There was a big thunderstorm one night and it triggered David’s PTSD.” Rose, “You shouldn’t worry about this, then. You’ve been frank about your mental health and you’re receiving treatment now.” Reinhardt, “We need to be worried. Surveillance recordings like this are all highly classified. How the fuck did OMGossip get this without help directly from Gath?” David, “Jack thinks the sex tape came from William Cross. We know he was in contact with Shaw, and Shaw probably gave it to him. Cross probably had this and Andrew got it when he died.” Reinhardt, “We can’t rely on that, we still need to investigate.” David, “Andrew is trying to rattle me. I had dinner with him the other night and I struck a deal that he can publish whatever he wants about me, as long as he leaves Jack alone. Of course he’s gonna test that right away. If we make a big deal about it, he’s gonna immediately play the victim and make a big story about how I’m suppressing the free press.” Abby, “I can make a diplomatic inquiry. Send a message to Gath, at least.” David, “If all they have is recordings of us, then you and I know this is the absolute worst that they have. The best thing we can do right now is to show that we’re not afraid.” Joel, “David’s right. If we’re gonna nail that little bastard, it should be for a real, provable crime.” Rose sighs deeply. David looks at her, “What?” Rose, “Andrew’s trying to prove something, and I don’t know what it is, yet. He’s smarter than William. He’s not going to go around buddying up to terrorists.” David, “I’m not afraid of him! He’s trying to prove that he’s powerful and influential, and that’s fine! I’m still the king!” He thinks for a moment and sighs, “Look, I’ve got other things to deal with today, so let’s just leave it here, okay?” Everyone says, “Okay.” David gets up and leaves.

David walks through the nearly-finished palace lobby. Whereas before it was cold and intimidating, the new vibe is warmer and more comfortable, with plants and sunlight. He goes into the ballroom, which is now spectacularly decorated with a blue celestial motif. Monique is standing in the middle, under a sparkling new chandelier, looking around. David approaches her, “Hey, so what’s up?” Monique, “The Palace is gonna be officially re-opened soon. We need to make some decisions about how we’re gonna do it.” David, “I dunno, I suck at this shit. What are you thinking?” Monique, “We’ve got a story to tell. We need to tell it the right way.” David, “I answered all the questions at Council, and I talked to Elite, what more good will digging around in the past do?” Monique, “You answered questions and talked about the future. The AFG hasn’t had its story coherently told from start to finish. Not yet.” David, “So what do you want to do?” Monique, “I had the idea of creating an exhibition of photos and objects that tell the story.” David, “Like a museum?” Monique, “It’s history.” David, “What do we even have? It’s not like we were able to keep souvenirs.” Monique, “We don’t need much, we just have to tell the story.” David, “I dunno. Jack has a lot of pictures on his phone, but they’re like mostly pictures of me taking my shirt off.” Monique, jokingly, “See, we’ve already got ways of getting people interested.” David rolls his eyes, “I’m just not sure I see the point.” Monique, “We have to tell the story before someone else does. We’ve got a rare opportunity and we need to take advantage of it.” David, “So what are we gonna say? That the war was awesome and we all had a party?” Monique, “You do want you people to think of you as a brave and inspiring leader, right?” David, “Yeah, I guess.” Monique, “You guess?” David, “I just don’t want this to end up being like that movie they made about Silas.” Monique, “It’s not often that you get to control how your personal life gets displayed. What do you want people to know?” David sighs, “I dunno. I need to think about it.” Monique: “I think the starting place is pretty obvious: the picture of you blowing up the tank, and then the picture of you stopping the attack in Damascus.” David, “I hate that picture.” Monique, “It’s kind of iconic.” David, “What happened in Damascus was fucking horrible, why would I want to prop it up as something worth celebrating?” Monique, “Because it’s not about you, it’s about how people see you.” David, “What am I supposed to say about it, anyway? That I shot at someone and I was fucking lucky that it was a terrorist and not a civilian?” Monique, “David, I watched you do the damn thing, you knew it was a terrorist. Why are you so uncomfortable with your own achievements?” David, “It doesn’t feel right to call it an achievement when people died.” Monique, “Did Alek Amal lay eggs in your brain? Because that’s all I’m hearing right now.” David, “It’s just fucking weird for people to take all the worst moments of my life and go, oh, look, what a great guy, what a hero.” Monique, “Okay, this is officially a job for your therapist, not me. Can you just trust that I’m trying to right by you?” David, “I do trust you,” he sighs, “I’m just getting caught up in my own bullshit is all. There’s just something de-humanizing about having an image.” Monique, “Aren’t you glad to be at a point in your life where existential bullshit is your biggest problem?”

David and Jack sit looking at pictures on a tablet. David teasingly plays with Jack’s hair, and Jack tries to brush his hand away. David smiles adoringly down at him, “Do you think you’d be willing to show up at this exhibition thing?” Jack makes a face, “I can’t talk.” David, “You talk fine.” Jack makes a face and points to the scar on his forehead, “People see… all people see. Care about. Scar. Can’t talk. One giant brain injury.” David, “Just a few months ago you could only say a handful of words. I was just thinking it’d be a good chance to show how far you’ve come.” Jack, “No. You don’t…” he struggles to think of the right words, but can’t think of any, “You’re the hero.” David, “What’s that got to do with anything?” Jack, “Talking is hard.”

David, dressed up in a tux, stands in the newly-renovated ball room. It’s been done up with a pale blue color scheme and a stunning celestial map on the ceiling. Along the walls are objects and images related to the AFG. David walks along and looks at them. He lingers over the image of Isaiah diffusing a bomb in the Western mall, and gazes forlornly at the jacket embroidered CLEMENS. He goes on, and stops in front of a larger-than-life image of him shooting the Amalekite in Damascus. He stands, literally dwarfed by his image.  Rose approaches him in a chic black gown, “Where is Jack?” David, “He’s upstairs. He doesn’t want to come.” Rose, “He needs to be here.” David, “He doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to.” Rose makes a face of disapproval, “He’s always looking for an excuse to get out of these things. He’ll never show up, if you let him.” David, “If you can get him out of his sweatpants and into a tux, you can drag him down here, but the deal I made with him is he doesn’t have to do anything until he’s ready, and tonight, he’s not ready.” Rose, “You spoil him.” David, “Yeah, well, I’ve kind of earned the right to do that.” They both go quiet and stare up at the picture for a moment. David, “Why didn’t Silas come to Council at Damascus?” Rose, “He got a message from God telling him not to go.” David, “Seriously?” Rose, “To be perfectly honest… I think he was afraid of facing off against you. He knew that no matter what stunt he pulled, you’d out-shine him. And look at that, you did.”

Michelle stands next to him. David, “Is it wrong that I’m kind of scared shitless right now? I have no idea how I’m supposed to handle these society people.” Michelle, “Be polite, flatter their egos, and make them think that donating to your favorite charities will gain influence with you.” David, sarcastic, “That sounds really fucking easy. I don’t even know who these people are, but I already know they don’t like being not recognized.” Michelle, “Don’t worry, I’ll keep you covered.”

David and Jessie stand behind the grand doors of the ballroom, arm-in-arm. Jessie beams up at David while he tries not to fret. Jessie, “This is so exciting!” David, “I’m glad you’re excited, Mom.” Jessie looks at him, “What? Are you nervous.” David, “A little.” Jessie, “You’ve been to these events before!” David, “Not as king, though. I have no idea how to talk to all these rich people. Everyone in there wants something from me.” Jessie, “They just want to be dazzled, you’re good at that!” David, “Only when there’s something I can blow up.” On the other side of the door, the muffled voice of an announcer, “Announcing His Royal Majesty, King David Shepherd of Gilboa.” Jessie laughs, “I still can’t get over hearing that!” The doors swing open, and David leads Jessie forward. He looks down the staircase and sees the ballroom crowded with joyfully applauding guests. He sees Rose and Michelle at the foot of the stairs, applauding for him. The AFG fam is scattered around the crowd, as are James, Ethan, Sean, and his family. Reinhardt smirks up at him, Lydia looking gorgeous at his side. Liam has a hot date, and Adam stands awkwardly away from them. Finally Andrew applauds coldly while Chloe beams at David. Jessie leans into David, “See, they love you!” David forces a wide smile and descends the stairs. Michelle comes over and greets him with a hug. David mutters into her ear, “Oh my God. Help me.” Michelle, “Don’t worry. I’ve got you.”

(“Pussy Got Ya Hooked” Three 6 Mafia) David stands sandwiched between Rose and Michelle. An older man and a beautiful young woman approach. Rose, “This is Eric and Laci Busch. Eric is the CEO of a large manufacturing firm.” Michelle leans in and whispers, “Wife, not daughter.” David smiles politely and extends his hand, “It’s very nice to meet you.” Eric, “Oh, it’s thrilling to meet you, your majesty. Used to be I had no problem getting the ear of the king, but since you’ve taken over, I’ve had a much harder time. I believe we can make some very good business deal in the future.” David, “I look forward to speaking with you then.” Eric, “You know, Laci is quite an admirer of yours. She’s been charmed by your charisma for some time.” David, staying humble, “I hear that a lot.” Laci leans in and whispers in his ear, “I will suck your dick so well you’ll make me a duchess.” Elsewhere, David talks to Michelle alone, as she points to various people in the room, “Racist, pedophile, poop fetish.” David, “Oh my god, I have to talk to somebody.” Michelle, “I know, I’m trying to find someone who’s not horrible.” David, “What about him?” Michelle, “He fucking hates Jack because he slept with his daughter and didn’t get her pregnant.” David, “Jesus, what about him?” Michelle, “Murdered his third wife and got away with it.” David talks to a rich man’s trophy twink. Twink, “You’re even more handsome up close,” in a low, breathy voice, “Jack is a lucky boy.” He puts a hand on David’s chest, and David steps away, laughing nervously. The comedian who plays David on Late Night poses with the real David. David stands next to a group of people looking at the photo of everyone on the palace balcony after the coup. A man in the group, “What are you thinking in this picture?” David, “I’m mostly trying not to barf.” David talks to an old man. Old man, “You should just bomb the shit out of Ashdod. Make those Phil motherfuckers weep, all of ‘em, men women and children.” David, “That would kind of be a war crime.” Old man, “Who gives a shit?” David talks to a woman. Woman, “I’m not going to waste your time with any bullshit, how large of a check do I have to write to get the council to rethink their tariff policy?” David, “I don’t accept bribes, and anyone within my administration found taking bribes will be charged with a very serious crime.” Woman, “It’s not a bribe. It’s a gift. How much?” Reinhardt sweeps over and gently interrupts, “Pardon me, but might I speak to His Majesty for a moment?” He leads David away, grabs a glass of champagne from a tray, and shoves it into David’s hand, “Buck up there, tiger. The night is still young.” David drinks some champagne, “Yeah, I realize that.” Reinhardt, “Jack should be here.” David, “I’m not pressuring him-” Reinhardt interrupts, “You need Jack to be here,” He nods towards Lydia, “Look at that.” She looks radiantly beautiful in a sexy red dress, laughing and dazzling the people around her. Reinhardt, “You think an asshole like me could get people to like him just by being himself? Fuck no. Lydia’s a fucking goddess and a goddamn genius. People like me because they like her. I could have snagged a big-tittied bimbo no problem, and I’d look just like every other rich middle-aged asshole here. But no, I got something good.” David, “What does this have to-” Reinhardt interrupts again, “Lydia doesn’t need me. Not one bit. She’s hot, she’s smart, and she’s rich on her own. She could have a lineup of men, and she chose me. Look at the men she’s talking to.” Lydia chats radiantly with a group of older men and their young trophy spouses (including the twink David was talking to earlier). Reinhardt, “They’re all afraid of a partner who equals them. They all have to be the guy in charge. They can’t stand being challenged. They’re all cowards and they know it. Come at them with a spouse who knows better than you, they’re all shitting their pants. They will listen to you.” David, "Are you giving me advice?” Reinhardt, “You want to be a good king, don’t you?

Elsewhere, Andrew approaches Adam, “Not surprised to see you again.” Adam, uncomfortable, “Good evening.” Andrew, "Are you here by yourself?” Adam, “Liam got me a date. I don’t know where she went.” Andrew, “Oh, come on, you can have your choice of women. You deserve better.“ He glances over to where David chats with Reinhardt, "I see our king has made good friends with Caesar Reinhardt.” Adam, “Yeah, he’s minister of defense. I get a lot of briefings from him.” Andrew, sneakily, “You know, I really shouldn’t tell you this.” Adam, “Tell me what?” Andrew, “OMGossip is investigating him.” Adam, “I- I know he was head of the MSS.“ Andrew, "Well, I suppose you do owe a lot to him. He ordered the raid at Nob.” Adam Doesn’t say anything. Andrew leans in, “He sent troops directly to Leo and Nora Levinson’s home with explicit orders, kill anyone you find there.” Adam, “How do you know?“ Andrew, “I have my sources,” He grins, “Some even in the palace.” Adam, “I should report that to David.” Andrew, “Will you?” Adam doesn’t say anything. Andrew, “Of course, Reinhardt was also behind the list of names that King Silas read off. He put it together knowing they would all be sent to their deaths.” Adam stares at Reinhardt. Andrew, “I would like to know something, and you can tell me.” Adam glances at him. Andrew, “You and Ryan Hitt were fighting him in the MSS building, weren’t you?” Adam, softly, “Yeah?” Andrew, “Did he kill Hitt?” Adam doesn’t say anything. Andrew, “I have a lot of questions about how Hitt died.” Adam, “It wasn’t Reinhardt. Ryan jumped in a line of fire so we could get to Reinhardt.” Andrew looks at David and Reinhardt buddied up together. Andrew, “What a waste,” he lowers his voice, leaning in close to Adam, “I think you know as well as I do that King David isn’t the reformer he claims to be. How free can Gilboa be when people like Caesar Reinhardt are not only still in charge, but in good standing with the king?” Adam stares at David and Reinhardt. Adam stares at David and Reinhardt. Andrew, “There’s one other thing I simply can’t stop thinking about.” Adam, “What?” Andrew, “The girl, the one who sat next to you at Council.” Adam, “What about her?” Andrew, “Her reaction was far more emotional than everyone else around her. No one else stormed out like that. Who was she?” Adam doesn’t say anything. Andrew, “I saw you talking to her. You must know her name.” Adam, “It’s nothing. She- she lost someone. She was upset because of that.” Andrew sneers condescendingly “Still loyal, I see.”

Back with David and Reinhardt, David’s phone buzzes. He takes it out of his pocket and looks at it. On the screen, a text: “from JACK: need you.” Reinhardt, “What is it?” David put his phone back in his pocket, “Nothing you need to know about. I have to tend to something.”

David goes into the residence, where Jack sits comfortably on the sofa. David, “What’s wrong?” Jack, “Nothing.” David, “Then why’d you call me up here?” Jack, “You need a break.” David sigh and sits down, “How did you know?” Jack, “It’s been an hour.” David laughs, “I guess you’d know what these events are like, huh? How’d you get through them before?” Jack, “Sex and booze.” David, “I have never gotten this many indecent proposals in my life.” Jack laughs, “You’re king!” David, “And you know what the worst part is?” Jack, “What?” David, “I can’t tell if I keep getting invited to three-ways because I’m king, or because I’m bi.” Jack throws his head back with laughter. David gazes at him adoringly. David, “Reinhardt says you should be down there. I think he’s trying to teach me how to power couple.” Jack rolls his eyes. David shrugs, “He’s not wrong. He says you make me look good.” Jack, “You look good. A-already. You already look good.” David, “Nah, it’s deeper than that. Reinhardt was mostly bragging about his wife, but I think the point was that I can be much more impressive and influential with you next to me. I like that idea.” Jack, “I’m not ready.“ David, quietly reassuring, "Keep at your therapy. You’ll be ready.” He squeezes Jack’s hand. Jack smiles a little bit. David sighs, “I should get going back. Thanks for calling me up here.” Jack, “You’re welcome.” David sends up, “Don’t wait up for me, okay? Go to bed when you feel tired.” Jack, “Okay.” David leans in and kisses Jack’s cheek, “I love you.”

Back in the ballroom, Andrew looks down at his phone, and grins wickedly.

Elsewhere, David goes back up to Jessie, who chats with a pretty young woman. David, to Jessie, “Hey, how are you holding up?” Jessie, “I’m wonderful, I was just talking to this lovely young lady who says she met you at the palace once before you were king.“ David, “You’ll have to forgive me, I met a lot of people in those days. What’s your name?” Lady, “Lucinda Wolfson.” David can’t place the name. Lady, “I went on a date with Jack and he brought me back to the palace. You were there with King Silas.” David recognizes her, “Oh, yeah, Lulu, I remember you! That was actually a very memorable night for me.” Jessie looks over at someone, “Oh, David, I think there’s someone Rose said she wanted you to meet.” David, “Uh, can you go talk to them for me? I’d kind of like to chat with Miss Wolfson.” Lucinda, “Ms. Caro, now. I’m not sure where my husband is.” She looks around. Jessie, “Okay, you two have a good chat.” She leaves. David heaves an uncomfortable sigh, “I’m the one with the crown, but Mom’s much better at being royal than I am.” Lucinda laughs, “Yeah, I keep thinking that if I’d married Jack, this would be my life.” David, “Yeah, I kind of screwed you over there.” Lucinda smiles kindly, “How is Jack? Our date ended badly, but I’ve always wished him well. I was kind of disappointed to hear he’s not here tonight.” David, “Actually that date ended extremely well for Jack, and for me!” Lucinda, “Really?” David, “Yeah, that was a very memorable evening. Jack’s doing great, actually.” Lucinda, “That’s so wonderful.” David, “Yeah, he just doesn’t quite feel like he’s ready for social events yet. He’s been through a lot, but, still, somehow, he’s got a long way to go.” Lucinda, “Give him my regards.” She looks over at the large picture of David in Damascus, and they both stare at it for a long, quiet moment. Lucinda, “You know, for a while, I was really scared about all this revolution business. I mean, I’m a historian, and I know that revolutions rarely end well. I wanted to root for you, but I was scared of how it would end. And then I saw that picture. I just- I knew that you’d be an exception to history.” David, “I hate that picture. What happened in Damascus was just… awful.” Lucinda, “Whatever happened there… that picture got a lot of people on your side.” Rose approaches David, “David, I have someone I’d like for you to meet.” Lucinda, “Good evening, your majesty.” Rose looks at Lucinda and recognizes her, “Miss Wolfson, how nice to see you. If you’ll excuse me, I have to introduce David to someone.” He puts her hands on his shoulders and begins to move him away. David, “Have a nice evening.” Lucinda, “You too.” Rose leads David to a woman, “This is Eloise Houben, she’s a major trader in fuel subsidies.” David extends his hand, “It’s nice to meet you.” Eloise, “Pleasure to meet you, your majesty. I’m interested in how the peace with Ammon has affected the oil trade- has the market been opened up?” Rose’s phone buzzes, and she looks down at it. David, “Uh, you should try talking to Abigail Benjamin-Hatch, she’s the one who loves that shit.” Rose, “David, can I speak to you aside for a moment?” David, “Sure,” he looks back over at Eloise, “Nice to meet you.” Rose leads him to a place away from other people. David, “What is it?” Rose, “Something else leaked.” David, “Oh, God, is it another sex tape?” Rose, “No, it’s-” she sighs heavily, “It’s a picture of Jack in the hospital.” She raises his phone for him, and on the screen is a picture of Jack, head shaved, wounds uncovered, face swollen, hooked up to a respirator. David tries to swallow his fury, “Is that OMGossip?” Rose, “Yes.” David looks around and sees Andrew staring at him in the crowd. Andrew sees him staring, and grins evilly. David nods, “Find Abby, Shay, Joel, and Reinhardt, and tell them to meet me in my office.” He walks straight toward Andrew, who has Chloe and Christine beside him. Adam watches David pass him. Andrew gives David a simpering smile, “Your majesty. So nice of you to finally talk to me tonight.” David, “I would like to speak to you somewhere privately.” Andrew, “I would be delighted.” They make their way towards a door. Adam sees it all and follows.

In a large, empty hallway, Christine, Chloe and Adam stand on the sidelines while David confronts Andrew. David, raging, “You agreed that you would leave Jack alone!” Adam frantically searches on his phone. Andrew, “It’s not personal, it’s journalism.” David, “You run a fucking gossip site!” Behind everyone, Rose enters with Abby, Michelle, Shay, Joel, and Reinhardt. They see David screaming and rush towards him. Shay, “David!” She goes up to him and puts her hand on his shoulder, “What’s wrong?” David, “Did you see the pictures he fucking posted?” Chloe looks over at Adam’s phone and sees the pictures of Jack. She gasps loudly and covers her mouth with her hands. Michelle and Rose on Abby’s phone. Abby’s jaw drops.. Michelle covers her mouth, and Rose fights back tears. Reinhardt steps up, “What is your source for these?” Andrew, “The source is confidential.” Reinhardt, “The prince was kept under 24 hour secure guard! How his room was infiltrated is an issue of national security!” Andrew, “You aren’t in charge of the MSS any more.” Michelle, genuinely hurt, holding back tears, “Why would you do this, Andrew? Why would you be this fucking petty?” Andrew, “Do you really want to know?” he rolls his eyes, “Given Jack’s dilettante history, people deserve to know that Jack isn’t exaggerating his injury.” David, “He’s not faking!” Michelle, “He has metal plates in his skull! I watched them put them in!” David, “I watched him get shot!” Andrew, “He attended the wedding reception where he was the center of attention, but not a royal even where he’s not.” Rose, “These are very different events.” Andrew, “Jack has always wanted the luxury and acclaim of being royal without the responsibilities of being royal.” David, “You don’t know him!” Andrew, “I’ve known him longer than you have.” David snaps and punches Andrew. Chloe screams while Shay tries to restrain David. She pulls him back. Andrew wipes at his bleeding nose, and seeing the blood on his fingers, sneers and says, “Afraid of the press and afraid of the truth, no different than Silas!” David lunges forward, pummeling Andrew. Reinhardt, Joel and Shay all grab him and struggle to pull him back. When he can no longer punch, David continues to kick and stomp at Andrew. Chloe and Christine rush over to Andrew. Reinhardt bellows orders, “Get him to his office!“ Abby and Michelle hurry off while Shay and Joel pulls David away. Christine helps Andrew up, “Come on, let’s go.” She hurries him and Chloe away. Adam and Rose are left standing there, and they stare at each other awkwardly. Rose, “I have to get back to the party.” She hurries off. Adam stands there, alone.

In David’s office, Shay and Joel push David into his seat while Abby and Michelle stand back and Reinhardt steps up to the desk. David fuming, “How the fuck did this happen, Caesar? You told me he was under guard!” Abby, “David, that is not the issue right now!” David, "Yes it fucking is! I want to know how those fucking pictures were taken and I want to know how Andrew Ceros got them!” Reinhardt, trying to stay calm, “Jack was under guard.” David, snapping, “Then how the fuck did a Gath spy get so close he could’ve unplugged his life support?!” Reinhardt, “We don’t know for sure it was a spy.” David, “How the fuck is this not Gath?! We are not letting them do this!” Abby, “What do you want to do, David?” David, “What can I do?” Shay, “You want me to mount an attack? Start an invasion? If we do that, I gotta say, Shaw’s definitely baiting you, here. He wants you to attack.” Joel, “Just give me the word, man, we can shut that fucker down completely.” Reinhardt calmly, “Not under the declaration of rights! Before we do anything, there needs to be an investigation. It could take a while.” David, “I don’t want to wait.” Reinhardt, “If an investigation finds evidence that Cross has been receiving information from Gath, it becomes a matter of national security, and we can shut them down.” David, “What are we gonna do when we find all that?” Abby, “First of all, I can demand an apology.” David, “I don’t want a fucking apology!” Abby, “Then what the do you want? Do you want to go to war?” David “I don’t know!” Abby, “This can be handled diplomatically, okay? But I can’t just go out right now and get an audience with Shaw and his diplomats. We have to at least wait until tomorrow.” Reinhardt, “And we still need evidence.” David, “It is them!” Reinhardt, “I know, but without evidence, they’ll just deny everything.” David, “Shit!” Michelle, “Andrew does this, David. He picks at old wounds. He wants to see you hurt.” Shay, “Yeah, Shaw is also a big fan of the mind games. Gath has never had real military superiority, so that’s what they rely on to keep Gilboa tied up.” David, “So what should I do right now?” Everyone looks at each other awkwardly. Reinhardt, “Go and wrap up this event. Pick everything up tomorrow.” David, bitterly, “Fine.” Reinhardt, “I’ll get the investigation going.”

In the back of the Cross limo, Andrew holds a was of tissues to his nose with one hand and an ice pack to his cheek with the other. Chloe, “You fucking deserved it, you know.” Christine, “Like father, like son. He’s not the first Cross man to get punched by the king of Gilboa at a palace event.” Andrew, “This is not about Dad!” Christine, “Everything is.” Andrew’s phone buzzes. He looks at it and sees ADAM SOLANO on the screen. He answers, “Yes?” In a hallway, Adam rushes to speak, “Beth Sabbatino. Her name is Beth Sabbatino. She was Ryan Hitt’s girlfriend, and she kind of got- I dunno, close to David. I don’t- she said nothing was going on, but, I- I dunno.” Andrew, “You don’t know what a great service you just did for your country. Thank you.”

David stands in an isolated, hidden spot where he can look into ballroom. He leans pensively against the wall and stares at the picture of him in Damascus. partygoers still gather around and admire it, completely unaware of what just transpired. Reinhardt approaches him, “Everything’s in motion. Well find out where the pictures came from.” David, “Thanks. I’m sorry for yelling at you. I just… I knew Jack was on life support, but to actually see it…” He takes a deep shaking breath and chokes up, “He was hurt so bad, and I wasn’t there with him.” Reinhardt, “Do you need anything?” David stares at the glittering party, “I suck at this event shit. I don’t know what to do around all these society people, and they can tell I’m in over my head.” Reinhardt, “I was been watching you all evening, you were actually doing pretty well until the Cross shit happened. It’s only your first event as king, and it took me a hell of a lot more than just one to get used to it.” David looks down at his bruised knuckles, “God, I’m a fucking mess. How long do you think it’ll take for them to realize that I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing? When do you think they’ll realize I’ve been faking it all along?” Reinhardt, “David, right now, I’m going to stop speaking as your minister of defense and start speaking as someone whose personal ambitions you thwarted. Before you blew up that tank, I was doing absolutely fucking great. I spent years doing everything I could to get close to the crown, I even thought that if I played my cards right, I could be king. I was a beloved hero, I was the youngest minster, and I was poised to be Silas’s chosen successor. And then you came along and fucked that all in the ass!” David, “I didn’t mean to.” Reinhardt, “That’s the worst fucking part! You did it all without even trying!” he points to the crowd in the ballroom, “When I look out there, I see a fuckload of people who used to think they had their life locked down, who felt like they had everything under control, but that all got shot to hell. Now, they’re out there trying desperately to re-gain the position and security they once had. They need a king to tell them who they fucking are and what they fucking do, and guess what, asshole! That’s you!” David looks at him, and Reinhardt takes a moment to compose himself, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken so rashly. It’s just god fucking damnit, you’re good at this shit! I have struggled so much just to be half as good at it as you are! You’ve got everything that I want, everything that a lot of people want, and you have the fucking gall to just wallow in self-pity and say you aren’t a leader!” David looks out over the oversize pictures of him: blowing up the tank, inciting a rebellion against Silas, in Damascus, fighting Amalekites in the Western Mall, declaring war against Abner, standing on the balcony of the palace after the coup. David, “Go home. We have a lot of work tomorrow.”

[choices-binglebonkus]

Opinion post: best and worst LI’s from each series

I was pretty bored, decided I’d make a list of who I think are the best and worst LI’s in each series and why.  If you’ve got some time to spare, please be sure to post your opinions too, I’m rather curious as to see how the fandom thinks.

Note: Since Nathan and Paolo are antagonists/pseudo-love interests, and you CANNOT end the game in a relationship with them, I’m not going to be counting them on this list.

The Freshman/Sophomore/Junior/Senior

Best: Honestly? All of the love interests were a little bland for my tastes in this series, but if I had to pick one, it would be Becca.  She started out as a spoiled bully from a rich family and ended the series a humbler, kinder woman who learned to work for what she want, respect those around her, and she even got into the law school of her dreams.  Now that’s dedication!

Worst: Without a doubt, I think Kaitlyn Liao is the worst love interest in this series.  When the series started out, I actually thought she was great.  I didn’t want to romance her (or anyone else but I had to *eyeroll*) but she was my best friend.  But then I began to realize how detestable she was as a character.  She turned on MC after she accidentally came out to her parents, she turned on EVERYONE when she joined the Gutter Kittens, and only when her circus tent came crashing down did this sad clown emerge and ask for help cleaning up the remnants of the big top.  She’s immature, rude, she goes off on people for doing things she doesn’t want (Annisa talking to Natasha, MC writing an unbiased article about the Loose Pins and their strong performance, etc.), and worst of all, she’s a criminal.  

A LEGIT criminal.  Not on the level of the Alphas, but she’s committed her share of crimes, including underage drinking, breaking and entering on multiple accounts (when she broke into the observatory in TF book 4, investigating the studio’s security room in TJ, and breaking into the old dorm in The Senior), trespassing which basically goes hand-in-hand with the last crime, vandalism (when she broke a $500 bottle of whiskey in a bar in The Senior), and fleeing the scene of a crime (when she broke the whiskey).  The other characters have also committed some of these crimes, but I’m mainly gunning for Kaitlyn because she’s a repeat-offender, not to mention she’s committed more crimes than any of the other love interests.  Just...why did her character go totally south after book 3?!

The Crown & The Flame

Best: Raydan.  He’s loyal, incredibly strategic and knowledgeable, can hold his own in a fight, and he’s charismatic as hell.  Playing as Raydan was incredibly fun and I loved seeing what sorts of mischief he got up to on his adventures.  Plus, his romance scenes were incredible.  My favorites were the flower scene in book one and the tent scene in book two.

Worst: Shockingly, Dominic for several reasons.  He’s Kenna’s best friend and he’s held that title since their childhood, but I can only see him as her best friend.  The romance scenes between Dom and Kenna felt a little...I dunno, forced?  There’s not really any other way to say it.  I married Dom in one playthrough and I regretted it so much.  When Kenna and Dom get married, they become the most boring heterosexual couple in the game...honestly!  I also found Dominic just a very boring character in general, which is pretty shocking considering A. He’s a frickin’ fire mage and B. He’s in TC&TF, one of the best damn series in the game.  Whenever I saw the words “You are now playing as Dominic Hunter”, I wanted nothing more than to see “You are now playing as Kenna Rys” because I was so bored with his character.

Most Wanted

Best: ...I honestly don’t know! It’s been so long that I don’t even remember any love interests in the game.

Worst: Same here!

Rules of Engagement

Best: It’s a tie between Dean and Mira.  Dean was an incredibly down-to-earth character who started off as MC’s faithful companion and eventually fell in love with her.  Friendly and never afraid to lend her an ear, Dean made sure MC was faring well during tough times and took her out on dates/hangouts whenever she needed a pick-me-up even though his job as a Bartender *probably* didn’t pay that well.  During their marriage, Dean took on two roles, as not only did he agree to be her husband, he remained MC’s best friend as well.

Mira was also a really good love interest.  Even though she was paywalled to hell, she was a genuinely sweet character.  I got the wrong impression of her at first, thinking she was just a snooty chef brought to the kitchen to cause trouble for Party Girl Sister, but oh man.  Mira was fantastic.  When Party Girl Sister was in the middle of her pregnancy scare, Mira got involved and frequently checked in on her to make sure she was okay.  She helped her unwind and relax when the stress got to her, offered her advice from when she was pregnant with her son, and was overall an unexpected friend that Party Girl Sister needed.  When the time came to pick a love interest for PGS, I didn’t hesitate to pick Mira, who was truly her loving angel, and I don’t think I made the wrong choice in that at all.

Worst: I’m going to get plenty of hate from this I’m sure, but William and Leo.  They’re both incredibly rich and famous men who don’t even seem realistic, yet they fall for a completely ordinary girl.  William annoyed me on the first date when he saw my (non diamond!) outfit and had the audacity to say “Oh...” with a shocked look on his face.  I mean...”oh”? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?  But also, William was just kinda boring.  It seemed like he was using his money to compensate for how boring his personality was.

Leo is quite the opposite of William personality-wise, but I can’t say I liked his whole bad boy/rebel/”let’s do illegal stuff because in the end it’s fun” shtick.  Like William, Leo also seems largely unrealistic and rather unrelatable, which I think is a pretty big problem if you’re trying to resonate with the readers.

Endless Summer

Best: Jake and Quinn are a pretty tough choice, so I can’t say for sure which one I prefer.  They’re both attractive and both are rather different personality-wise.  Jake is brave, but at the start of the book he only really cares for himself.  As the story goes on, he starts to care about the other characters as it becomes apparent they’re all stuck on the island.  While Jake is a good guy, his nick-names got very, very old after three books.  Additionally, he’s one of the overused cynical/loner/sarcastic male love interest archetypes, but I’ll give him a pass this time because he was the first of his kind, plus he had a pretty good reason to be as cynical as he was.

Quinn is super cute and is probably one of the sweetest LI’s in the game.  She’s friendly and compassionate from the start, and knowing that she has an illness that will one day result in her death, she has become brave and willing to live her life to its fullest.  Her romance scenes were also amazing.  My personal favorite is the sex scene in the kitchen when she and MC make cupcakes together.  However, one thing I fault the writers for with Quinn’s writing is that she’s frequently portrayed as the damsel in distress.  You have to protect her from the Sabertooth, save her when she almost drowns, save her again when the Vaanti attack the hotel, save her AGAIN when she nearly dies from Rotterdam’s Syndrome, save her again when she and the group are held at gunpoint in the MASADA complex...the list goes ON!

Worst: Sean. Sean is an incredibly kindhearted character who cares about his friends to the point of not eating food until everyone else has eaten.  He’s selfless, brave, and an overall friendly guy.  However, that is his fault. I know it’s odd to be faulting such a great dude for being one of the sweetest guys in the game, but the only problem I have with him is that he’s a cookie-cutter clone of Chris, Caleb, Griffin, basically any strong, benevolent male character in the Choices series.  For the most part, they’re largely identical in personality, and that takes away from their originality.  I still love Sean.  Saying he’s the worst just means I think he’s the worst of any of the amazing LI’s in ES, but he’s still a really great guy.

#LoveHacks

Best: I really can’t pick any of them.

Worst: I’d honestly have to say all of them.  They’re either A. Wishy-washy B. Boring C. Introduced way too late in the game and their development is either non-existent or way too rushed.  Hell, I forgot Mark Collins even existed until I stumbled across his page on the wikia.

The Haunting of Braidwood Manor

Best: Eleanor by default.  She’s paywalled and you have to pay diamonds to keep her alive at the end, but she’s pretty, she’s sweet, she cares for her younger siblings enough to live(?) with a dark secret that’s left her traumatized, and we get to spend lots of time with her in the book.

Worst: Victor.  We barely even get to know this guy!  There’s almost nothing about him on the wikia pages either simply because he’s almost never in the story without diamonds and we barely even got to know him.  

The Royal Romance

Best: Even though I didn’t marry her at the end (I still had some flings with her though), Hana.  Hana is incredibly sweet, she’s really pretty, and she’s got overbearing parents which, in my case, makes her a really relatable character.  She does anything she can to please her parents/friends and she quickly becomes a very loyal friend (or lover) to MC as she finds her way as the newest noble in Cordonia.

Worst: Drake.  Oh, Drake, have I got a bone to pick with you.  Not only is he one of the many, MANY cynical/loner/sarcastic male LI archetypes, the story could have gone on without him, rendering him pretty useless.  I cannot think of a single non-romance scene where I thought: “Oh man, Drake is a really necessary character!”  Not to mention, Drake is picky as hell.  He gets to live in the palace for free, gets to eat food and hang out with Liam, but he whines about not wanting to become like those gosh darn nobles, and he whines about the food being “too fancy” or whatever when there are people starving in other parts of the world.  I would understand you not eating food if you’re allergic or can’t stomach it, but really, Drake? Because it’s too fancy?! Come on!

Hero

Best: I have to say, none of these love interests were up to par. The book is great, the LI’s are lacking.

Worst: All of them.  They’re not too bad per se, but man...they’re just so lackluster! Grayson is boring, Kenji is cocky, and Eva got on my nerves a lot.

High School Story

Best: Emma without a doubt.  She’s pretty, she’s very sweet to her friends and MC, and she’s a shy character who’s surprisingly well-written.  Though I didn’t choose to romance her, I still think she’s definitely the best love interest in this series because not only is she an amazing friend, but in other playthroughs I’ve watched, she’s a very loving girlfriend to the main character.

Worst: Probably a tie between Caleb and Maria.  Caleb, like I mentioned earlier, is pretty much the same as Chris, Sean, and Griffin, which makes him rather dull.  Maria isn’t too bad, but she could get very intense at times, and that gave me a really negative first impression of her that never truly went away.

It Lives in the Woods

Best: Andy. Frickin’. Kang.  He’s strong, rough and tumble, and really brave, but he’s also soft and gentle with the MC if they romance him.  He’s the first trans representation in Choices, and I personally think Pixelberry did a really good job with him.  I really felt for him when he and Tom were being discriminated against on the basketball team because they were both Asian, and because Andy was also short and transgender.  Yet, even after all this, Andy doesn’t quit the team and doesn’t give up his dreams, and if he survives the final game with Mr. Red/Jane, he becomes the basketball captain and eventually goes on to play for a college team.  Way to go, King Kang!

Worst: I don’t think I can really say any of them are the worst because all four of the other love interests in this series are pretty great.

Home for the Holidays

Best: None of them.  NONE.

Worst: ALL OF THEM! This book was abysmal, and one reason it was so hated is because the love interests were awful.  Nick was unnecessarily cruel, Wyatt was so happy it was creepy, and Holly was really boring.  

Red Carpet Diaries

Best: Oh dear.  Same case as HFTH, none of them.

Worst: I can’t choose just one, so...I guess all of them.  Matt was forced upon the player, Victoria is one of those mean girls/divas that has a complete 180 in her personality at some point, Teja and Seth were absolute morons for the entirety of book two, and Addison and Hunt were purely a fanservice for people who played Hollywood U (which is a good game, but if you ask me, Addi and Hunt should’ve never become LI’s for this series).

Perfect Match

Best: I really don’t even know with this one, you guys.  I was never a fan of this series (oof, I can feel the hate I’m getting from that sentence right now) and the LI’s all seemed really unimpressive.

Worst: Hayden.  While I really dislike Damien and think he’s undoubtedly the most overrated love interest in the entire game, I’ve got to say Hayden is the worst.  You get to customize their gender, appearance, and eventually their name, and while they’re a robot with sentience and human feelings, this just makes them seem LESS human.  Not to mention, they stupidly left the group on multiple occasions and went on walks alone to brood and be edgy, which eventually led to Harley infiltrating and causing our already feeble plans to fail yet again.  Lastly...Hayden is one of the love interests that repeatedly gets crammed down the player’s throat whether they like it or not.

Bloodbound

Best: Jax is a great love interest, but since he’s one of those overused cynical/loner/sarcastic archetypes, I’m going to have to say Lily is the best in this series.  She’s tragically underrated, quirky, goofy, and she’s a GAMER with GLASSES, which is totally my weak spot.  Lily is just the cutest thing, I swear.  And since I love Jax and Lily almost equally, I went NUTS when I was offered a diamond threesome scene with them.  That day was a huge win.

Worst: Even though he’s not too bad as a character, Adrian.  You don’t get to customize his name or gender, but you still get to customize his appearance, which I really don’t like in love interests because it makes them seem like interchangeable parts.  

Veil of Secrets

Best: Kate.  She’s paywalled unfortunately, and she only becomes a love interest at the very end of the book, but she’s very beautiful and sweet.  You have to spend the entire story saving her, but fortunately, she isn’t forced upon you romantically like some of the other love interests are in the game.  It’s really unfortunate that she became a love interest so late in the game.

Worst: Probably Naomi, only because she was boring.  Otherwise, she’s not too bad.

America’s Most Eligible

Best: None of them.

Worst: All of them because they’re really bland compared to some of the other love interests Pixelberry has given us.

Desire & Decorum

Best: Hamid.  He’s sweet, gentle, he’s good with kids, and he’s really attractive as well.  Overall, though, I think all the love interests in this series are pretty boring, but Hamid is slightly less boring than the others.

Worst: Sinclaire.  I originally hated his guts, but he’s not that bad to be honest.  He’s one of the cynical/loner/sarcastic male archetypes, and while not as extreme as some of the others, he’s still a part of the archetype.  He’s grown on me, I will admit, but only as a friend, nothing more.

Across the Void

Best: None of them.

Worst: All of them.  The whole book is a mess, and that trickles down to the love interests.  Minimal character development, forgettable love interests (I forgot Meridian and Titania even existed at some points in the book), Kepler freaks me out, Sol was a dick at certain points, Zekei is more of Eos’s love interest than MC’s, it’s a whole thing.  The siblings’ love interests aren’t any better.  Eos has Lyra who isn’t too bad, but damn is she boring.  He also has Deimos and Oberon who came in out of literal nowhere, same thing with Pax’s love interest, Zaniah, and she turns out to be a freaking villain that you have to pay diamonds to redeem.  Lastly, we have Holmes...who’s really annoying to me.  Sigh.

Big Sky Country

NOTE: I feel the need to tell you beforehand that I wanted to remain single for this series, but they force you into kissing someone in the last chapter whether you like it or not, so I picked the lesser of the evils.

Best: Juliette Mendoza, and I’m ONLY picking her because she’s absolutely beautiful.

Worst: Sawyer and Dallas.  Sawyer because he’s forced, Dallas because he’s yet another one of the cynical/loner/sarcastic male archetypes.  Urgh.

The Elementalists

Best: I don’t care for any of them.

Worst: Beckett, but before you murder me, it’s only because A. He redeemed himself in like one chapter which is incredibly lazy writing on Pixelberry’s part, and B. He and Griffin (who I rather like, actually) get lots of diamond scenes while love interests like Aster are getting sidelined.

High School Story: Class Act

Best: Skye, but I wouldn’t romance her simply because she’s more of a friend than anything.  She’s incredibly sweet and she’s the polar opposite of her shitty family, and having a storyline about Skye and the abuse she gets from her family would actually be really interesting.  I’d love to see her family get their comeuppance and Skye end up living a better life, because that’s what she deserves.

Worst: I legitimately could not choose who I hate more.  Rory and Ajay are both on my shit list.  Rory is one of the most forced love interests in the entire frickin’ game, and is a complete Mary Sue.  I’m not just saying that either.  Rory is attractive, talented, popular, and lots of people have crushes on them (Erin says in one of the first chapters of HSSCA book one that their last play got a good turnout because 1/3 of the audience had crushes on Rory), and is *supposedly* completely oblivious to how many people like them, which would be kiiiiinda hard to miss, especially with Natalie and Clint.  

But otherwise, Rory has almost zero personality.  They’re friendly, but most love interests have that trait.  They also have a mother with cancer and participates in a play to fund treatment for her, but that’s about as complex as Rory gets.  The worst part about them is that they’re constantly getting shoved down our throats.  The game and characters constantly imply MC has a crush on Rory whether we like it or not, and MC ceases to function during rehearsal when they realize Rory is going to ask them to homecoming.  For Pete’s sake, we join the damn play just to get closer to Rory.  And for people who don’t give a fuck about Rory, like me, that makes the book remarkably frustrating.

And we also have Ajay, who I hate about as much as Rory.  From the start, he was rude, condescending, and snarky.  But then when Rory tells everyone their mother has cancer, Ajay says “yeah man, I’ve been super harsh because I want this to go perfect, blah blah” which, to me, is a TOTAL cop out.  Even if the play didn’t go perfect, the audience would have already paid for their admission and donated beforehand.  I didn’t excuse Ajay’s dickish behavior throughout the book, especially when he never apologized for siding against MC after the whole theater cube fiasco, even when there was zero concrete evidence against them.  Annoying, rude, never apologized for making an accusation that turned out to be untrue, and...god, every time he speaks, my mind reads his words in Brainy Smurf’s annoying, nasally voice.

It Lives Beneath

Best: Tom.  What can I say except Tomoichi “Tom” Sato?  Ever since ILITW, he's been a good friend to Andy since they were toddlers, helped him throughout life with his friendship, prevented Andy from committing suicide at one point, and was friendly throughout the first book.  In this series, he's a love interest, and is one of the few love interests who isn't drawn with a super-duper fit body (thus making him a little more realistic).  And his sex scenes are wild, dude.  I mean, in a PHOTO BOOTH at a festival full of people?!

He's loyal, goofy, and he's realistic because he's awkward and flustered if MC flirts with him.  Be honest, if an attractive stranger starting forwardly flirting with you within not even a day of meeting you, wouldn't you be pretty awkward and stuttery?  Also, Tom is cute, he appears to have a friendly/romantic chemistry with MC, and all the scenes with him and MC are well-written and pleasant to read.   

Worst: Out of fear of being personally attacked again (I even got one or two death threats), I will not be going too in-depth about why Imogen is the worst love interest of this series.  All I’ll say is that, for the majority of the book, she was an extreme weak link and I feel like she redeemed herself too late.

A Courtesan of Rome

Best: Syphax.  He’s really gorgeous, and he takes the fall for MC when she sloppily murders a Roman authority.  That’s some serious selflessness, and I really admire Syphax for that, but he is a bit forced on the player in the first part of the book.

Worst: Marc Antony.  He really gives me the creeps.

The Heist: Monaco

Best: Eris.  She’s sassy, spunky, but she’s got a soft spot for MC and is actually really sweet.  She’s absolutely beautiful and I didn’t have a hard time choosing her as my love interest.  Though...if Sonia turns out to be a love interest, I might have a problem later.

Worst: Probably Fabien because, yet again (I’m sorry, okay!), he’s a cynical/loner/sarcastic male love interest archetype.  But he’s really not a bad dude, I like him.  He’s just the worst out of this bunch.

Ride or Die: A Bad Boy Romance

Best: One word: none.

Worst: All of them! They’re all criminals, and they’re not noble criminals who screw over corrupt people like MC and their crew in TH:M, they’re legit criminals who endanger other people’s lives for fun.

So, what do you guys think? Who are your best/worst LI’s for each series? Don’t hesitate to reblog and ring in with your opinions, because like I said before, I’m really curious to see how the rest of the fandom thinks.

[stitches-for-solo]

I Dunno About This One...

Sorry for the wall of text. This is why I need to figure out how to put in a “Keep Reading” cut.

I feel like I slept all day. Probably because essentially, I did. I’m sliding further and further back down the hole I threw myself into a long time ago, and am watching the progress I’ve made since the almost dying incident vanish before my eyes. I know fucking well enough that I’m responsible for my own actions, but little things here and there only give me a tiny bump of positivity, motivation, and energy, if anything at all. (I keep thinking of the minute payback of doing something small, like getting dressed, like taking a little bump of coke off a key, which, to be clear, I’ve never done.) To be frank, considering my mindset and the effort little things can take when you aren’t well, some days, it’s not worth it. Almost instantly, my dysfunctional brain gobbles it all up as fast as it can. Like... [insert creative comparison here, akin to a starved man who’s just been served a 5-course meal, but, y’know, creative]. In theory, if I could take all the little bits of brightness I can manage to churn out and hoard them all in one big pile, ingesting them at the appropriate time, satiating my chemical receptors, and then letting them rest, regulating the process, I would. (Depression for Dummies?) Just like my problems with alcohol and drugs, my brain is a fiend for serotonin, that instant gratification, and there’s nothing I can do about it, or any deficiencies of other neurotransmitters (dopamine, norepinephrine) I probably have. (And man is it sloppy up there in my head, which is appropriate, since I’m the epitome of messy. Unorganized. Shit is everywhere, yet I know where everything is. Yeah, I’m one of those... but it’s not dirty — don’t ever call me dirty. It’s simply a disaster to the untrained eye. I’ve actually read articles linking neglecting to clean with depression, but I’m not sure where or how credible any of the research was. It makes no difference — either way, I’m not the best at keeping areas tidy. I keep going off topic...)

Anyway, I’m really in no condition to do anything drastic that would potentially yield a more substantial “reward”. Everyone tells me to just try. Try the little things, and you’ll adjust, and before you know it, you’ll be ready for more significant things. But good things are just that — good. They aren’t fixes and they aren’t cures. And I’m not using the previous sentence as an excuse to lay down and give up. I’m just being realistic. I know too much about my own problems, thanks to my higher education. I know too much and my peers/family know too little. There’s gotta be a balance between the right actions/effort and the right medication(s), and none of that is happening for me. There’s not a whole lot I can do about my medications, besides take them. It’s apathy that’s the fucking bitch. Why did I sleep till 3pm and not get out of bed until 5pm? Because I didn’t care, you can’t make me care, and I certainly can’t make myself care. (Also, I stayed up all night and it was really cold in my house so I didn’t want to get out from under the blankets...)

Now consider this — it would be one thing if that’s all that I was dealing with. But that’s just a portion of it, and I don’t even know what is wrong with me anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I’m just weak and make bad decisions, then blame said bad decisions on my weak resolve to even try to do the right thing. Maybe I’m just overly sensitive and I am content with wallowing in my own self-inflicted misery. After all, I get to be the laziest, most spoiled bitch I know, sometimes. Big emphasis on sometimes. But then something inevitably happens, and that sick fantasy is shattered over and over again and I have to face facts — it’s not just my personality. I think it’s normal for me to sorta gravitate towards strange things and (trying to choose my words wisely here) unique people. But unless everyone I know is hiding things from me, I sure do feel like a dysfunctional fool a lot of the time when I try to explain certain thoughts or feelings or physical responses that I have to various stimuli. I don’t mind being different. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being drawn to the macabre and unusual things. I enjoy horror movies/books and crime shows, and like researching things like diseases, old torture practices, serial killers, and the crazy shit you can supposedly find on the dark web. And yeah, I’ll cheer for the bad guy. (Kylo 🖤) None of that makes me disturbed or ill. I like normal things, too, like cats, space, sports, game shows, and the Food Network. And music is sometimes my salvation. It’s my thoughts & actions that bother me. I was driving last night and I had a pretty pathetic thought: I don’t have a mental illness; I’m mentally ill. 😶

It probably sounds ridiculous and that I’m dramatic, lazy, not trying, overreacting, making excuses, annoying or even infuriating, but I don’t share everything that goes on upstairs with just anyone. I’ve been places, and I do not want to go back. I will not go back. So I keep my mouth shut. It tends to get me no where good or anywhere fast. Which is fine; I think it’s throwing a wrench in my doctor’s attempt to properly treat me, but if I was completely open and honest, I don’t really know what would transpire and where I’d end up. And in terms of friends/family, I firmly believe it drives people away. I see it. I’m not stupid. People abandon me. They tell me I deserve better, but they don’t give me better. Maybe they just want someone else to do it. They want to know it’s happening, but don’t want to/ can’t put the effort in themselves. I know I’m not verbally or emotionally abused or mistreated, and I think I tend to treat people as they do me. I don’t yell at people unprovoked. (There are exceptions, one of which I have written about above.) I don’t attack my friends and then try to make them feel guilty about it. Sometimes I get frustrated when I get sent pictures of someone’s (boyfriend’s) brand new house for the 6th time and I have to be all excited for them, meanwhile I’m living in my little sister’s old room. Yep, I had to move back in with my parents because I got too sick to be alone and had no where else to go. My mother wouldn’t even give me my old room back. And equally as frustrating is when I have to hear for the 15th time “I put my hand in the cage, and it bit me again. This time I’m bleeding. I know something isn’t right and it has to change..” But then, it’s right back to the same. And I get it. I’ve been there. My ex ripped my heart to shreads, and not just once. And I just kept letting him hurt me, because I believed that somehow, if I just kept trying, if I just kept changing, if I just let all the shitty parts run their course(s), in the end, it would be worth it. Was it? Of course not!

It’s fucking frustrating when someone you care about is being mistreated. In fact, it blows my mind what some people will put up with, but again, I understand, because I did it, too. I think it’s a lesson everyone has to learn for themselves at their own pace and on their own time. These things aren’t teachable. And I know it’s selfish, but sometimes I get a little irritated that I end up so far down on a friend’s list of priorities when I’m only trying to help, and I feel like I could use some help, too. There’s other contributing factors and every situation is unique, of course. But when I’m just trying to be genuine and caring, even if it does come off as harsh, that sucks. But it’s life. It just makes me feel like I’m believing a heaping pile of bs, which does upset me. I’m not egotistical. I don’t need to be #1. But there’s a big difference between not being #1 and being put off to the side so the friend in question can go spend time with the someone else who treats them like absolute shit. (I need to expand on this, because it’s misleading, and I don’t believe an explanation will fit in this post. I’ve also moved things around so much, I feel like it’s not flowing properly, so I’ll be making an additional entry — in a little while. So wait before you judge or assume anything.) But I’m also not stupid. I say that a lot, but my actions must betray my words. Somehow I must be giving off the vibe that I’m an idiot. It’s painful, especially when I want to give more of myself to someone.. invest more time, energy, support, all those things, into the friendship, but the feeling isn’t mutual. I wonder what people think of me. “I don’t want anything to do with her, but she’s fucking insane so I’m afraid she might come after me or hurt herself...” I mean, I am crazy, am I not? So why wouldn’t someone think that? Especially when I’ve heard the same words come out of their mouth before, but about someone else. And I’m not just talking about one or two people here. This seems to be an ongoing theme, and the common factor is me. When I was going through rough times with my ex, I think that’s when the alienation from some of my friends started. I guess they could only take so much, and everyone has a limit, but I also think the person being hurt sees things very differently than those on the outside. I can’t do much, y’know? So I try to give advice or help, but I think I need to learn to back off. I’m scared I’m destroying the relationships with the few people I have left in my life. Sometimes I already feel a shift. Hell, I know things are different. I don’t want to lose everything I have left with my handful of friends, but I am not the type of person who can take unhappiness and paranoia and anything else negative and just squash it and keep quiet. I have to let things out, or they grow until they reach monstrous proportions and I completely lose control. As annoying as it is, I have to ask family and friends “is everything okay?” “Did I do something wrong?” “Are you mad at me?” and eventually it escalates to “What the hell did I do?” “Why are you ignoring me?” etc.. Christ, I must be fun to know.

I was kind of writing before about things that make me feel happy. Having friends made me happy, and I try, but it seems that beyond talking online, no one wants to take me up on any offers anymore. I think I burned all my bridges and trying to start all over is challenging at my age when most people have careers and families. I don’t fit in anymore, and honestly, I have a suspicion that potential dating partners my age are still single because they’re not interested in settling down. I feel like I’m going to end up alone. This wasn’t how things were supposed to be. Life was supposed to be so much more fulfilling and just a pleasure to live. I know everyone goes through rough patches, and I absolutely hate talking like this, but I know I was expected to be so much more than this. It wasn’t me who was pegged as the one who would make such a fucking mess out of everything. I’m in a position where putting myself out there for rejection is a bad, very bad idea. It’s damaging. But so is being alone/surrounded by people who you don’t get along with. I’m stuck; I don’t know what to do, where to turn, and who really cares. One more note about friends.. Or who I refer to as my friends. I write about them in here, and they don’t even know this blog exists. No one really checks up on me, and I know that could be for lots of reasons. I don’t tend to reach out anymore either, but it’s because I don’t really have anything to offer. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was to accept that my old best friend didn’t consider me his best friend anymore. I guess it’s been a while now, and I’m okay with just calling him a “friend” or by his name. But it was tough. I was so broken down about my breakup that I completely fell apart, and he really just abandoned me. I’d see all the pictures he would post on Facebook.. out hanging out with his “BFF”, all smiles and having fun while I’d stayed in bed and cried all day with no one left to go to for comfort or company. I felt so disgusting, needy, weak, insignificant, hopeless.. all this after I let him borrow a substantial amount of money because he had moved 1500 miles away and needed financial help getting home because he had decided he didn’t want to be there anymore. I was so desperate and distraught that I let him borrow.. a lot of money. And that was what I was met with when he got back. I was still alone, he never wanted to hang out because I was always so down, and I haven’t seen a dime of my money. I could go on... but I won’t. Lesson learned.

I think there’s some parts here that don’t make sense. I was copying and pasting and moving stuff around and adding/deleting things, and it’s almost 7am. I might work on this later after I get some sleep. Or I might decide it’s a waste of time cause no one reads my rants anyway. Obviously I didn’t mean to offend anyone, and I mean no ill will towards anyone I know. Like I said, there are some things I just have to get off my chest.