#what if they make us go on a weird scavenger hunt through the internet

[taikavaras-grimoire]

Scavenger Hunt Divination Set

New witch looking for divination tools? Broke witch unsure what to do? Old witch wanting something fun to do?

Look no further! In this post I am showing you how to make divination cards through a scavenger hunt!

All you will need are scissors and glue and access to trash. Maybe a pen.

Let's start with some notes:

1. In this post I talk about making a deck, but in this same way you can also collect a trinket/bone throwing set. It's the way I collected mine, but now want to try it out on a divination deck. 2. Don't look up "inspiration" pictures on the internet, that's not what we are doing here. We are here to dig through the trash, so setting expectations is just not what we want. 3. Don't look up "what symbolizes X" or "Y symbolism", this is an exercise to get to know yourself, your gut, your own expression and connections. What someone sees as symbol of something, might not be the same for you. 4. You will not make this deck in one day, it's a scavenger hunt, things will come to you at different times. This will teach you to keep your eye out for connections. 5. The deck will change as you go on. You will start with a baseline list, but trust me, that will change as you go. You will notice that some parts just don't fit for you or that you need to add something. This deck is not set on stone, and neither are you, so let it change along with you.

----Baseline----

First things first, we need to make a list of things we want. Simple things to start growing our deck.

I will make a list of examples to get you started. In the list might be things that are quite similar to each other, this is just to give options and to show there are many ways to show something. Pick what feels relevant to you, leave out anything that is not fitting, add anything you feel like you want in your deck. Personalise. Make it yours. This is also just a base line, your list can change as you get going and get an idea of what you need. Work on it as you go.

Love (romantic/platonic/friendship) Money / Success Home Health Family / Close circle of people Mother figure / Father figure / Sibling / Supporter / Child Work School / Studying / Learning / Lessons Obstacle Path / Journey / Travel Change / Beginning / End Growth Dream / Hope / Goal Warning / Keep an eye on Hobbies / Art / Music / Magic Hidden / Missing piece Key / Lock

Connection - Detachment Balance - Unbalance Stability - Instability Strength - Weakness Open path - Closed path Clear - Unclear Towards - Away from Negativity - Positivity Calm - Chaos Reward - Punishment Give - Take Danger - Safety

Some things can be presented by a card being upside down to mean the opposite, but if you shuffle your cards too controlled (like I do) that wont work, so I have chosen to list both options, choose what route fits you.

----Card Bases----

What do we make the cards on?

You could get a playing card deck from a second-hand shop if you feel like it, or if you or someone you know have weird worthless "collection" cards laying around you could use those. Paint sample cards from hardware stores are also good material to use. But some of those options might need money, so lets dig out some trash. Cereal boxes, or anything similar, are great for this. Depending on what size you want, you can measure and cut the cardboard to size, or trace with something like your bankcard or id.

As always, be careful with the scissors.

Make more than you have on your list, that way its easy to add more when needed or change things up.

You can either write the things you have chosen on the cards, or just keep the list on you (physical or digital).

----Let the Hunt begin----

Start finding. Start looking. Newspapers, advertisements, pamphlets, old wall calendars, magazines, receipts, old notebooks, anything.

You wont find everything right away, that's the point! Newspapers and magazines change with the seasons and you might come across something just walking on the street!

When you find something, cut it to size and glue it on your card base.

And these are fully YOUR cards, so feel free to write on the card the meaning. Human memory is fickle. This is your deck. Do what suits you, do what helps you.

Trouble seeing what fits? Consider taking a postcard or something, and cut in the middle the shape of your card. This helps you frame specific areas and to see better what would fit.

Don't focus on what looks "good", focus on what makes you think about the intended meaning of the card. This is also when you might come across something that makes you think of possible card meanings that you don't have om your list - add them. You might find unintended treasures on a scavenger hunt!

There you have it. Go forth, craft freely and play around. Feel free to tag me to any creations (or message me pictures of them!) because I would just love to see what all of you come up with.

Happy hunting!

[tiny-crecher]

*realizes there’s going to be an Unus Annus April Fools video*

[noctilucid]

DannyMay Day 15: Nature

**References my Day 4 (Stars) drabble, but stands alone.**

"Circle up everybody!" Ms. Teslaff barked, rapping her walking stick on a boulder embedded in the trail.  "This camping trip is required by the state to be educational.  Therefore, you will be given a group assignment designed to meet municipal standards."  Mr. Lancer opened his messenger bag and started passing around packets and paper bags.  A ripple of complaints and muttered curses spread out through the group.  "You will be assigned a partner, and together you will search for and identify these plants.  Bring back a leaf for each plant in the packet to receive full credit."  

Paulina grimaced and looked down at her shoes for the tenth time that day.  She had thought they'd stay close to the cabins for this trip, and her usual cute flats would have served her just fine on the broad, packed paths cut by hundreds of students' feet in the years before.  But here she was, hiking in them.  The mud was bad enough, but all the uneven terrain was putting creases in the material every time she had to put her weight on the balls of her feet.  And now she was expected to go on a scavenger hunt?  What was she, five?  

"Paulina," Mr. Lancer said with a tired drawl as he read the names written on the brown paper bag on the top of his stack, "you will be partnered with Sam Manson."  He handed her the bag and a packet before moving on to the next group.  

Uhg, perfecto.  I'm with Creepy Manson.  They did this on purpose, didn't they?  Paulina cut her eyes at Sam as she stomped over in her combat boots, looking equally thrilled.  

"How many plants do we have to find?" Sam sighed, taking the packet from her.  She flipped through the pages.  "Well, at least these are all pretty distinctive."  

"I'm sure you're disappointed none of them can lay eggs in my face," Paulina returned with an edge.  She still hadn't forgiven Sam for that incident at the aquarium all those years ago.  

Sam narrowed her eyes, not looking up from the paper.  "Spores."

"What?"

"Plants don't lay eggs.  Some of them have spores."  She folded back a few pages and held up a picture of a fern they were supposed to locate.  "This one can lay spores in your face."  

Paulina raised her hand and waved at the teachers.  "Miss Teslaff, I want a different partner!  I don't want Sam to murder me and bury my body in the woods.  I'm too pretty to die."  

"No changing groups!"  

Paulina huffed and crossed her arms.  "Tough break," Dash said to her as he and Valarie headed off on one of the forks in the path.  

"Good luck!" Kwan chimed in, who was paired with Tucker.  "Hey, you got a plant identifying app on that thing…?"

"Do I ever!"  

Danny put a reassuring hand on Sam's shoulder as he followed Mikey uphill.  "Try not to be too hard on her?"  

"No promises," Sam grumbled.  

Soon the path had cleared out except for the two of them and two pairs of band nerds peering over their packets together.  

"Come on, let's get this over with," Sam said at length, grabbing Paulina by the wrist and hauling her off in a random direction.  

"Ow!  Hey, get off of me!"  

Sam did let go, and then scuffled up a tumble of boulders to a trail on higher ground.  Paulina let out a dramatic and frustrated groan before following her up much more slowly.  By the time she caught back up, Sam was standing in the shade of a tree growing out of a split in the rock, studying the packet again.  

"Oriental Thuja?" she said, forehead creased.  "Why would they even put that on here?  It's not native to this area."  

"So we won't be able to find it?" How much is this stupid assignment worth anyway?

"No, it could be here, but it's invasive."

Paulina rolled her eyes.  "Don't tell me you're going to be sacrimonious about plants now too."  

"Oh, of course," Sam returned.  "Because you only like nature if it's pretty and flatters you.  You can't be bothered to learn about something complicated like an ecosystem."  She headed down the trail at a brisk walk, grabbing a sapling and using it as a hand-hold as she swung herself down another steep portion.  

"Would you stop doing that?" Paulina yelled after her, but Sam didn't slow down.  "¡Joder!" she swore under her breath.  Somehow, she was going to make Sam regret this by the end of the day.  She just had to figure out how.  

***

A brooding 45 minutes later, and Sam had found five of the plants they were looking for with little help from Paulina.  

"Next is the purple coned larch…" Sam said, more to the paper held in front of her face than to Paulina.  "We should probably go uphill to look for it…"  Paulina died a little more inside.  No more climbing hills!

"Oh, is that one of the ones that's going to lay spores in my face?" Paulina sniped as Sam strode on ahead for the hundredth time.  "I guess you would end up with some weird kinks after being possessed by an ugly plant ghost."  

"You're the one who brought up the face eggs," Sam said, nonchalant, and notably not slowing down.  "I think that says more about you than about me."  

Paulina clenched her fists.  "Ugh!  You're such a freak, you know that?"

"Aaaand personal attacks mean you have no convincing arguments left in your arsenal!  Looks like it's Sam two, Paulina zero for the day so far."  Sam was steadily moving out of range, and Paulina was forced to follow if she wanted to continue the argument.  She was busy trying to think of a better jab while watching where she put her feet, but Sam beat her to the punch.  "It's kind of sad that you're still hung up on this actually.  Move on already."

Paulina gritted her teeth as the angle of the slope forced her to grab a muddy point of rock to haul herself up with.  "Would it kill you to apologize?  ¡Dios mío!”

"For what?"

"For harassing me with a starfish, Miss Don't-Be-Cruel-To-Animals!"  She stood up and tried to wipe her hand clean on a tree trunk.  "And I mean a real apology, not that stupid letter the teacher made you write."  

"Oh, yeah, to be clear, I didn't mean that apology letter."  

"It was clear," Paulina said, quiet and venomous.    

"I hope you shredded it or something.  I'm kind of embarrassed to have my name on the bottom of it."  

"I threw it in the fireplace as soon as I got home that day."  

"Well, that's a relief," Sam said with a performative grin.  "And no, after what you did to Danny, you'd better believe I'd eat a hot dog before I'd apologize to you."  

"I only went out with Danny to get under your skin!"

"Exactly."

Paulina's hands spasmed between gestures as she tried to collect herself.  "Did you ever think that maybe, if you weren't such a self-absorbed piece of shit, maybe your friends wouldn't get hurt as much?"

Sam's face went blank for a telling second before she focused back on the paper.  Paulina was a little surprised that jab had worked, actually, but she wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.  She couldn't think of anything to follow up with, so she decided to allow the silence to be her victory.

And she's back to climbing again.  Someone kill me…

They had almost reached the summit of the hill they were on— Paulina was debating to herself whether it was tall enough to be considered a mountain— when Sam finally found what she was looking for.  The tree she was examining was scrawny and gnarled, squeezing its roots into the veins of available soil, and it was barely taller than they were.  

"I think this is it.  The needles look the same," Sam said, holding up the page for comparison.  "It would help if the picture wasn't in black and white, though."

Paulina cast a glance over the diagram and the plant in front of them.  "No, it doesn't have the little cones," she grumbled.  I swear to god, if we have to climb any higher…

"This one's pretty young.  I don't think it's old enough to have fruited before.  They take a couple of years to get established."  

"Well how can you tell if this is the right one?  There's a thousand different Christmas trees on this hill, and they all look the same."  Paulina shook her head.  "You know, whatever.  Let's just take a branch and go—"  She sputtered to a stop as Sam pushed the packet and paper bag full of samples into her hands.  Paulina adjusted the materials in her hands and watched as Sam stooped down, fished in her combat boot with two fingers, and pulled out something long and thin.  She pulled off the makeshift cap, revealing the stubby tip of a well-used oil pencil.  

Kneeling in front of the tree, Sam drew some intricate shape on the trunk with the dark blue pigment, then murmured something Paulina didn't catch.  In the shadow of the trees branches, Paulina saw the symbol glow faintly green, and the same light snaked up the tree along the ridges in the bark until it reached the closest branch.  With a quiver, the end of the branch put out fresh needles and then a tiny purple cone.  

"See?" Sam said, breaking off the end of the branch.  "Perfect match."

Paulina gaped like a fish. "You— Holy shit, you—"  Magic.  That was honest to god magic!  Paulina felt lightheaded.  She had been… dabbling.  Combing the internet and old bookstores.  At first, she had hoped to find a spell that could summon a ghost, or anything else she could use to get Phantom's attention.  But as the weeks had stretched into months, she had become desperate to find any scrap of genuine magic.  And here it was.  

"Are you— is that Wicca?" she finally managed.

Sam shook her head.  "Semitic Neopaganism.  There's a difference."  

Paulina paused to think on it.  Could I learn Jewish magic if I'm not Jewish?  Would it even work for me?  She chewed on her lip.  What am I saying?  There's no way Manson would teach me anything in the first place.  Then Sam started speaking softly, and Paulina had to shake out of her thoughts to catch it.

"I did think about apologizing," Sam said.  "Properly.  I was… kind of a mess in fifth grade.  Um.  And sixth and seventh too, actually."  Her eyes remained focused on the pine sprig in her hand as she spoke, slowly rotating it between her fingers.  "I've never liked you.  But that didn't make it right for me to pick on you."  She stood up and took back their paper bag, tucking the sample inside.  "But then you pulled Danny into it.  So, I'll never apologize."  She finally looked up and met Paulina's gaze.  "And neither will you."  Paulina opened her mouth to retort, only to realize that Sam was an image of perfect calm.  It was not an accusation, not a barb, just a statement.  And Paulina had no idea how to respond.  "We're both petty bitches," Sam continued. "It's in our natures.  So… let's just move on."  She extended a hand to Paulina.  "Deal?"  

The offered hand was stiff and formal, as if this were a business meeting rather than two sweaty girls talking on a hiking trail, but Paulina saw an earnestness in it.  Slowly, she reached out and slid her own palm into Sam's.  

"Deal."  She watched Sam for a moment, her unwavering gaze, the ridiculous purple contacts, the stillness which had come over her, like a stone come to rest.  Not sophisticated or refined, as Paulina sought to be, but… very Sam.  Very self-assured, in a way Paulina pretended not to admire.  "We don't like each other."

"Naturally."  Sam released her hand and turned to head back down the slope.  

"But we… don't hate each other either.  We just... are.  Now."  

Paulina saw the little quirk of a smile enter Sam's lips.  "Yeah."  

"And maybe… we can talk about magic sometimes?"  She shook her head, slightly embarrassed. "Like, over text, so nobody gets the wrong idea?"

Sam chuckled.  "Yeah.  That sounds fun."  

A smile crept over Paulina's face in spite of her attempt to hide it.  Oh, what does it matter?  Sam's not looking at me anyway.  She gave herself a moment to squeal silently in her head.  Real magic!  She'd found someone who knew real magic!  She shook her head again.  Of course it would be Manson.  Of course.  

She picked up her pace, in spite of her sore feet, in spite of the damage she was doing to her shoes, to catch up to Sam.  It was easier going downhill.  "What do we still have to find?"  

Sam extended the packet to her, pointing to one of the plants.  "Just two left, lady fern and honeysuckle.  They both like to grow near water, so I saved them for last.  We can head down and check the creek on our way back."  Oh thank god, we're almost done.  Paulina leaned in to get a better look at the fern diagram.  "You know, there's a spell I've been working on that uses ferns.  Maybe we should grab a couple extra?"  

Paulina squealed out loud this time, and clapped a hand over her mouth.  "Sorry," she mumbled through her fingers.  "Solemn.  Solemn goth witch."  She folded her hands in front of her and tried to look composed.  Sam laughed.  

"Nah, you don't have the wardrobe for that.  Go on, be as pink as you'd like."  She stepped down a bank of tree roots and held a branch back for Paulina to follow in her wake.  Paulina paused in surprise before accepting the gesture.

This will take some getting used to.  

[thanksjro]

More Than Meets the Eye #8- I’m Sorry, the Domain Name thebomb.com is Already in Use

It’s been a hot minute since we last got to focus on the Scavengers- ah, the chaotic nature of comic print schedules! Luckily, we’ve got a Story So Far to remind us where we left off.

Our issue starts 10,000 years in the past, where Fulcrum is riding in a plane and preparing to drop with his fellow K-Cons. It’s crowded, there’s a guy crying in the corner, everyone’s wearing the same outfit, and no one’s got time to go home and change. How embarrassing!

Torque’s never heard of personal space, as is made apparent by his power-stance pelvic thrusting here. Fulcrum is less than impressed by this show of bravado, but there’s no time to dwell on it because it’s time to jump the glory of Megatron.

At least one of them is having a good time.

In the present day, the Scavengers are freaking the hell out, because as it turns out, it’s THEM who’re afraid of the DJD.

Krok keeps trying to reach his old squad, as if anything short of Megatron himself would be able to save them from the horrible death coming their way, while Flywheels grapples with his faith and inferiority complex at the same time.

Spinister brings up a decent point, despite Misfire’s earlier claim that he’s the stupidest creature in the universe- Misfire is kind of an asshole, so anything he says involving just about anything should be taken with a grain of salt- but the problem is, nobody in their right mind would incriminate themselves to the DJD if they could help it. Also, everyone knows that Tarn’s got his head way too far up his own ass to have any sort of rhyme or reason for anything he does beyond the 𝕒𝕖𝕤𝕥𝕙𝕖𝕥𝕚𝕔.

Krok leans on his career as a military strategist to come up with a few ideas, and the boys decide to fight the DJD, after so much bitching and moaning.

But the DJD… the Decepticon Justice Division… are also Decepticons. Crankcase, are you gatekeeping here, my dude? Because I don’t think this is an internet debate you’re going to win.

The fellas decide that they’ll do what they do best, and use what’s been laying around in the dust and blood for thousands of years to fight off some of the scariest folks in the galaxy. What could possibly go wrong?

Over on the Lost Light, Chromedome and Skids are having a secret rendezvous at the oil reservoir, in secret and behind Rewind’s back, as Chromedome proceeds to call Skids handsome. No, they aren’t having a secret love affair, but are instead going to mnemosurgery the shit out of Skids. Rewind doesn’t like that Chromedome is still doing this, but what Rewind doesn’t know won’t hurt him, surely. We’ll find out just why exactly Rewind isn’t a fan of Chromedome’s line of work later on, but for now it’s time to dig around in a hot guy’s brain.

Just kidding, it’s Scavenger time.

The Scavengers have set up a trap for the DJD, and that trap is Grimlock; still locked in his stasis pod, they’re pulling a “rigged box and stick with a piece of cheese inside” maneuver. Let’s see how this plays out.

Hmm. That’s not a great start.

The Peaceful Tyranny lands, Tarn transforms, comes down the gangplank, transforms, waxes poetic about the brilliance of the Decepticon copy writers, transforms, drives 15 feet, transforms, then, after clearly stating that the big stasis pod in the middle of nowhere is a trap, opens it anyway.

Never has a nut-punch been more deserved than in this exact moment.

Grimlock has a strong start, but almost immediately begins to flag, as he’s put down by Tesaurus. This is why we do warmups prior to rigorous exercise, people!

Misfire tries to sneak off while Tarn’s distracted whispering into Grimlock’s ear like one would a lover, but that doesn’t really work out.

Back over on the Lost Light, Chromedome’s having a time and a half trying to parse just what the hell’s going on with Skid’s head. All his memories from the last year aren’t lost, but rather destroyed, which is concerning to say the least, only leaving a need to escape. There’s also some nasty beast in Skid’s more distant past that Chromedome can see. However, it would seem that Skid’s brain took the out when it saw one and buried that nightmare so deep it’ll take multiple sticks of dynamite to wiggle it loose, so Chromedome’s leaving it where it is.

What this tells me is that Rung has no business referring patients to Chromedome for treatment, if this is how we’re meant to handle repressed memories. Remember back in issue #6, when Fort Max claimed he didn’t remember what happened in Garrus 9, and Rung was all “oh let me just call my guy Chromedome and have him stir your brain around like a martini”? Turns out, either that’s a terrible idea and Rung hasn’t paid attention to the work that half his coworkers on Kimia were involved with, or he was making an empty threat, which doesn’t seem like great practice for a therapist.

Pretty fucked up of you, Rung.

Anyways, Skids is less than thrilled by this, and demands Chromedome do it anyway, which Chromedome promptly refuses. He’ll play around with his own life, but not his friends’. Skids walks off in a huff, because I guess no one’s ever refused his pretty ass anything before, but asks a question before he leaves.

Well, I’m sure that won’t be a major plot point later on.

Let’s check back in with the Scavengers.

Between Tesaurus’ line here, Tarn harassing Grimlock, and Skids’ asking Chromedome why he pulled out during their secret meeting, this is probably the most sexually-charged issue of MTMTE so far.

Flywheels’ only purpose as a character was so that Roberts had a stand-in for the word “fuck” last issue. Sorry, dude, you’ve done your job. Off to the shredder with you!

No time to worry about him, Krok, because it’s time for your face mask treatment at the universe’s shittiest spa.

The worst part about this is the fact that he’s being held a full nelson by the DJD’s record-keeper, who turns into a fucking chair and doesn’t even have eyes. Oh, the indignity of it all.

Misfire tries to save Krok, but all he manages to do is prove that his nickname isn’t ironic in the slightest. Then he’s attacked by a dog.

That shadow being tossed towards the horizon in the background is Crankcase, who lands right about where Fulcrum’s been hiding this entire time, like the giant coward he is, as he watches these guys who tried to steal his organs get murdered to death. He runs off, and Crankcase plays to stereotype and gripes about the whole situation, until he notices something above him.

Then he immediately drops dead, because as it turns out Misfire wasn’t exaggerating when he said Crankcase would die if he ever even thought about smiling.

Over in Tarn’s soliloquy corner, he’s managed to stab his thumb so hard into Grimlock’s throat it’s literally bleeding, as he trash talks the Scavengers, calling them the “six biggest failures of all”. Harsh. Grimlock’s not contributing to the diatribe, probably because there’s a hole in his throat that’s about where a trach would go.

Then Tarn has a bit of a problem, as he’s stepped on by a robot that’s roughly twenty times bigger than him.

I guess Crankcase must be the sixth worst Decepticon, because he’s gotten himself hooked up with this massive Jaeger Cybernought, one of the many that are strapped to the back of the Worldsweeper they found last issue. It’s a big friggin’ ship, we can forgive the oversight.

The DJD aren’t impressed by this new toy, and almost immediately take it down. Tarn, really starting to get peeved off about not getting to what they actually came here to do, yells for Fulcrum to show himself. Fulcrum, as it turns out, has managed to climb on top of the Worldsweeper, and is at least a few hundred feet above them. Because none of the DJD can fly, they have no choice but to listen to Fulcrum’s little speech.

Fulcrum was forged at the height of the Decepticon Empire, when the rhetoric was more “space eugenics sucks” and less “murder everything while Megatron has weird sexual tension with Optimus in the background”. Of course, they were still hunting organic species to flex, so maybe things weren’t perfect… though it isn’t like Fulcrum minded that aspect. Dude’s a little space racist.

Spacist.

The way Fulcrum sees it, folks like Tarn went and fucked up a good thing by being all murderous and violent just because they could, unlike his good pals the Scavengers, who are only murderous and violent when it’s necessary. “Necessary” is a word that’s played with kind of fast and loose with them, mind you, but they seem like pretty swell guys to Fulcrum. They’re definitely better than the DJD.

With one last “fuck you” to Tarn, Fulcrum takes a running leap off the top of this astonishingly huge ship and finally reveals just why exactly K-Cons aren’t known for doing fear.

Because who the fuck has ever asked a bomb how it’s feeling?

Everyone clears the area, as he hits the ground… and nothing happens. Fulcrum is marked off the List, the Scavengers are added, and the DJD fuck off without checking that their target is actually dead so they can go find Overlord and kick his ass.

Fulcrum’s fine, by the way.

This is why we check our work, Tarn.

Fulcrum, who is, again, a bomb, is a bit curious as to what’s happened here. Turns out, prior to the boys riffling through his torso for spare parts, Spinister- master surgeon Spinister- removed the explosive charge tucked up against his robot liver. Fulcrum is amazed by this news, because it’s apparently a super hard thing to do.

Are we sure that Spinister isn’t just super nearsighted? The world’s been described as a series of vaguely hostile shapes, is he playing it safe and attacking the things he can’t figure out within a few seconds? Maybe all that hand-staring he does is to gauge how shitty his vision is on a day to day basis, and everyone just assigned him Stupid At Birth because trying to understand our friends is for losers.

Then again, we should also remember that everyone in the Scavengers is so incredibly stupid, they couldn’t figure out between the five of them that Fulcrum had been alive while it was happening. Spinister probably wasn’t gentle with that procedure since he thought he was working with a corpse; for all we know, Fulcrum’s got his sparkcase inside-out now.

Crankcase carries poor, faceless Krok over, and Fulcrum laments on the fact that Krok’s squad never turned up. Crankcase implies something ominous about Krok’s method of communication with his old squadron, then we get the skinny on Fulcrum’s whole deal.

Yes, yes, I know B’lahr 39 is a reference to Wizard of Oz actor Bert Lahr, who played the Cowardly Lion. I caught that one before I’d even checked TFWiki for interesting notes on this issue. I was a film major in college, I’m legally required to know every single bit of trivia about the Wizard of Oz. It’s the second thing they beat into you, right after watching Citizen Kane for the 87th time.

Also, how many nerds are going to be in this series? Fulcrum’s a technician, Krok’s a strategist, Spinister and 3/4 of the Lost Light are doctors in some form or fashion, Tarn’s a friggin drama kid, the list goes on.

When Fulcrum was caught, the original plan was to have him tortured and killed at Styx, a  Decepticon penal colony, when plans changed and he got reformatted along with everyone else in the joint to be a suicide bomber.

If Fulcrum seems like a bit of a generic name for a giant space robot, it’s probably because it is. Fulcrum’s original alt-mode wasn’t a bomb- in fact, I have no idea what it’s meant to be. Word of God makes the claim that he turned into a leg prior to getting K-classed, but since Combiner teams have to be made in this continuity, that’s not what he came into being as. He’s got a tiddy window like Rung- something that will be more apparent when Josh Burcham is replaced by Joana Lafluente as the primary colorist for the comic run- but that seems more indicative of having minimal armor than any sort of alt.

Anyway, there’s something in the reformat to K-Con that compels one to switch to bomb mode when you jump ship- but it didn’t happen for Fulcrum, because he was so unbelievably terrified that he might have actually defied biology.

The others have stopped listening by this point, and have joined Spinister in poking the still-prone Grimlock with a stick. Misfire, in the first show of something like empathy we’ve really gotten from him, asks the fellas to help the poor guy up.

Sure, make the guy who’s a stiff breeze away from cracking in half lift the biggest motherfucker on this planet. Sounds like a plan.

Misfire does his damnedest to communicate to Grimlock that they come in peace.

Behold, the price of nostalgia!

This isn’t exactly where we left Grimlock last time he was in an IDW publishing. The last guy to have his hands on everyone’s favorite dinobot was Simon Furman, and he was a lot more well-spoken there. It would seem that no one got out of Garrus 9 unscathed.

This development is a bit of a problem for the Scavengers, who now aren’t quite sure what to do with a infamous warrior-bastard who’s mentally regressed to the point that he’s got to think about what his own name is. To be fair, most people wouldn’t know what to do in that sort of situation. Doesn’t help that the guy who usually has the braincell is currently passed out from face-based puncture trauma.

Misfire decides that they’ll take Grimlock along with them for collateral, and everyone is so impressed by him actually planning something out, they forget to think about the logistics of housing a whole entire T-Rex.

The guys, I guess just leaving Grimlock and the unconscious Krok in the dirt, go to find what’s left of Flywheels- basically the hips down is still intact. After a few kind words, the final rites are performed.

You will be missed, Flywheels, clearly.

You never see the Autobots resorting to cannibalism like this. Maybe they’re just better at making it not look like a vulture swarm.

Many, many months later, long after the Scavengers have left the planet of Clemency, a lone figure visits what’s left of dear Flywheels- it’s the Necrobot. That’s right, the Robo-Reaper is real, and it looks like he’s been busy.

…Spoilers, Necrobot! Come on!

After the story proper, we get a Meet the ‘Cons page. Let’s take a gander, shall we?

No.

NO.

NO!

I draw the line at this motherfucking sniper rifle having a college degree. What possible scientific field of study could he possibly-

It’s ballistics. He studied ballistics, didn’t he?

You know what? Fuck this, actually. See y’all later.

…Fuck you, Vos.

[calamariimpossible]

Magicians on the internet, crypto, and the email that broke me.

This is a continuation of a twitter thread that Muz (@mzkrx) started to write out in his car but then when he plotted out his thoughts, it made more sense to him to put it down in a blog format rather than a thread. You'll find out why as you read through.

Stuck in the car for half an hour so I'm gonna do a thread (Editor's note: Now a whole-ass blog post) about a strange email I got recently.

So I was casually watching magic tricks on YouTube. the funnest part of which to me is reading the comments. YouTube commenters love explaining how they think the trick is done and it's fun to read through their theories and connect dots between similar tricks, etc.

And then one time as I was scrolling I noticed a comment that didn't make sense. It was a string of an almost sentence. Intelligible enough to not be random words but odd enough to read like a trigger phrase for something.

The closest I can describe it as is like the string Zemo used to wake up the Winter Soldier, but with some syntax to it. Like "many thermos wiggle throughout exotic harbinger of circle ascending fuchsia entrapment".

Initially I thought nothing of it, but then I kept seeing them in these magic trick video comment sections. They're never the same string, and it's always under magic trick videos. from different channels even.

Hmmm.

The profiles that posted these comments are also always blank accounts with zero videos and no profile pic. Just their name. I felt like it was too much of a coincidence for these comments to only be under magic trick videos.

I also knew that the world of performance magic is thick with secrets. That is to say, there is deliberate obfuscation of information whenever you try to go online to find out how a trick works.

Magicians get together online and share information with each other just like performers of every other sort as well but the amount of code and doublespeak they use is an order of magnitude more annoying to decipher compared to say, an engineering message board or a gamedev forum.

Knowing that, I thought maybe this almost parsable gibberish I keep seeing everywhere was also some kind of code these people were using to talk to each other.

So I started investigating.

First things first, let's just Google one of the phrases. Maybe that's enough?

And it sorta was.

Pasting them onto the search bar lent me to only 1 result (wild!) and it was a website that looked really dank. Like geocities dank. Annoying neon colours and badly margined jpegs of tarot card images everywhere and a big bold header text that said something to the effect of:

"Congratulations, you've found our hidden message. This portal is only for those seeking knowledge beyond what is on the surface. Continue below."

* * *

I haven't been doing well. I feel like I say that too much. I say it on Patreon, on my personal podcast, whenever any of my friends ask me how I'm doing, pretty much everywhere. I feel very heavy. I understand I'm not the only one feeling like this during a pandemic.

Duh.

But I have this other version of worry that I can't quite articulate until right now: I'm scared I won't be funny anymore. Anwar and Farid can attest that even during our recordings I don't feel up to being funny. I question my jokes a lot. I barely enjoy telling them. I'm worried I'm letting everyone down.

To me, silliness and absurdism as virtues only make sense when the world has trace amounts of injustice and wrongness that training ourselves to see it in our everyday helps us remind ourselves of what is just and fair. The more we consume silliness, the more we are able to recognize silly and point it out. So we don't ignore it when things go wrong, so we talk about it, manage it. So we can take care of each other.

Maybe I can't be sure if we're all up for taking care of each other right now.

* * *

"Continue below" seems instructive, but it wasn't. Like I mentioned, the margins were haphazard and the CSS was all over the place. Some jpegs were straight up cropped off.

Meaning I can't be sure what "below" meant. But there were clickable images and text so I was readily intrigued.

It was tantalizing. Did I stumble into some secret order of Extremely Online Magicians? Maybe I'll finally find out why there aren't many female magicians out there. Maybe it's some sort of secret initiation to a secret message board full of secrety secrets. Secretly.

Y'all.

I didn't click on any of the linked images or anything. I closed the tab. That was the end of that.

An earlier version of myself would gladly run headlong into this rabbit hole to find out more and sink hours into some goddessforsaken labyrinth of links. But the current version of me recognizes this for what it almost certainly is: an abandoned roleplaying game.

Back in the early 00s when the internet was the realm of nerds and nerds only, it was full of people who loved sharing things for sharing's sake. It used to be punk rock to maintain a blog that only talked about snails or have a lo-fi YouTube channel that uploads biweekly 3-minute news about your house, or manage a little message board where people roleplay as wizards who rummage around the net looking for clues.

That last part was a thing I remember being actively involved in. In '03, a group of online friends and I wrote up a scavenger hunt of sorts where we sent people through various blog pages that we have where the goal is to just dick around and have fun. We wasted each other's time for sure. Hundreds of hours of it for literally no gain at all but for some laughs and fun memories.

The internet isn't like that anymore. People don't share something online for sharing anymore. Not really. There's this idea that if you put stuff out there, you want people's attention because numbers are good. You get a lotta reblogs and RTs and Likes which means people Like you.

If you don't have a lotta numbers, you don't matter. If you do, everyone has to talk about what you said or did because it's 'News' now.

Isn't that kinda gross, you think? That we need people to interact through an app to be sure that we're Liked? I say "we" but I mean me. I've successfully poisoned my brain to believe this to a certain extent too and it's not good.

I felt myself physically react when I closed that geocities magician website tab. I shuddered because my brain went from "this is cool" to "I gotta let people know I found this" to "this'll get me hella RTs" to "ew Muz why did you think that" within 3 seconds and I was disgusted with myself.

As a dude who started my online presence on YouTube and parlayed it into my real life comedy/writing career, I've believed for a long time that doing good work and putting it out there is what it takes for a working creative to make it because that's what I did. So there's this idea that making stuff and having it be seen is some kind of virtuous.

But it's not anymore. People pick fights with children for clout. Newspapers post about people's tweets as if its important. People are investing in crypto, a thing that literally only exists as electrical waste on a grand scale. We're boiling the oceans to yell at each other over nothing and exchange bits of code everyone agrees has ever-rising value but doesn't. Everyone is making and eating junk, it feels like.

So am I making junk? Have I just been making useless junk for literally over a decade now? Is that what I've been good for this entire time?

* * *

So the email.

It was a response from a company I applied to for a job. I applied as a creative writer and they're an advertising agency.

Receiving emails from a prospective employer when you're in need of a job is exciting! So soon after I applied, too. Wonderful. Here's what it said:

We just received your application today but would love to extend the opportunity for you to participate in the Case Competition as a prerequisite of your job application for Creative Writer position with [REDACTED] and stand a chance to be a winner for cash awards up to a total worth of RM1,800.

Yea.

They want me to enter a competition where I compete with other candidates to get a chance of being hired.

This company saw how many people applied for a job with them, and decided to dangle some cash and throw it over the fence to see which candidate will fight for it the most.

I didn't expect to feel vomitous after reading an email but that did it. I almost dry heaved. That's where we are now.

Recruiters see a glut of applicants and decided to play Fall Guys. These people watch Istana Takeshi and think Takeshi is the good guy. It hurts. It hurt me. That email caused me pain.

I can't at all empathise with recruiters who think this was okay to do. They really believed that creative writers will do a little dance for them just for money.

Look, I know we all need to eat. But I can also hate that people undervalue the work of creatives to this painful extent.

I don't give a shit about earning a lot of dough. I just wanna make things that tickle people. I want you to smile more.

That's the whole point of that weird little YouTube comment that led to the quirky website. That's the whole idea of making silly videos and dumb tweets and memes. We just want you to laugh.

But it seems people think so little of joy that they'll do whatever they can to avoid legitimately supporting and paying for stuff that gets them through the day. So much so that they want free work from us for the potential of maybe being able to get paid for more work. It breaks me, man.

I hate that I cannot make a living just trying my best to make people happy.

That's the best way I know to take care of you.

I know I don't just 'make junk' for a living. People have messaged me personally that my work has helped them get through tough times in school, in their relationships, at the office and I am eternally grateful that they took the time to tell me that.

I just also wish my feelings about my work aren't easily brought down by the majority of people who insist its worthless. Even if sometimes those people is me.

So forgive me if I won't be funny for a while. I'm gonna need some time to process this. Thank you for reading. I love you.

[robinrunsfiction]

Best Laid Plans (Ryan Seaman x Reader)

Pairing: Ryan Seaman x Reader Rating: General Requested By: scrolling-my-life-away “Ok so either with frank or Ryan S (bc there are not enough of him) where band members keep trying to awkwardly get y’all together but it’s super cute and just lots of fluff!” Word Count: 1,700 Author’s Note: Wrote it with Ryan Seaman because there really needs to be more of him! Also what is with me and cute old people in Ryan stories?

"I can't stand it any longer," Dallon announced. "I refuse to sit by idly any longer, I have to do something."

"Babe, they're adults, they'll figure it out soon enough, don't worry about it." Dallon paced around the front of the bus as Breezy looked on, slightly exasperated.

"No, this is getting excruciating, I'm taking action." With that Dallon marched over to where you and Ryan were talking.

"Hey guys," he said with a sweet tone. “I'm bored, and I was just talking to Breezy and we've never been to this next city before, so we're thinking we can pair off and do a photo scavenger hunt.”

“Oh fun!” You replied. “Boys versus girls?”

“No!” Dallon quickly snapped and both you and Ryan looked at him surprised. “I just wanna spend some time with my wife, why don't you guys team up. I’ll send out the lists when we get there.”

You had been traveling with the band photographing all their shows and backstage moments. You considered yourself to be the documentarian of the beginning of the rise of IDKHow. When you were first hired on, you clicked with the band immediately, but more so with Ryan. You always kept it professional, but you somehow ended up with more shots of the drummer than what you could reasonably use. Ryan always seemed to gravitate to you whenever he had a free moment, such as during the long hauls between cities, looking for any excuse to talk to you.

~

When you arrived in town Dallon had found, and then specifically edited, the scavenger hunt list, to make it so you were most likely to end up in a flirtatious situation of two.

“Sound check is at 5:30, so that’s the cut off. We will see you losers when we get back.”

“Yea right,” you retorted as you started to skim over the list. Breezy and Dallon hurried out of the bus as Ryan peered over your shoulder at the list on your phone.

“A flyer for a local event, we could use the concert tonight! A red door, a kissing couple, oh they’re just gonna take a selfie for that one, aren’t they?”

“That’s what we get for letting Dallon plan the list, I guess. Ready to go?”

“Let’s do this!”

You and Ryan wandered around the city center looking for options. The town they were playing was a university town and luckily the school colors were red and white, so red doors were plentiful. You took photos of the items, and Ryan posted updates to his Instagram stories.

“Hey guys, I’m out here hanging with (YN) and we are currently beating Dallon and Breezy at this scavenger hunt,” he said into the phone as you attempted to take a photo of some baby ducks. He watched you fondly as you made noises to get the ducks to look your way. “Hey (YN), wanna really mess up Dallon's game?”

“Obviously,” you replied, your competitive side taking over.

“Come here,” you sat down next to him as he started the next video. “Alright guys, if you’re coming to our show tonight, know that Dallon is wandering out down here, and if you like me and (YN) at all, you'll go get in their way, thanks!” He signed off with a laugh. You couldn't hide your surprise at the dirty trick he just played on them. “See how well their unfair advantage works now!” Ryan said getting up.

“We only have like 2 more left,” you said looking over the list. “A kissing couple,” you felt your cheeks turn a little pink thinking it would be so fun to lean up and kiss Ryan right then, but you weren’t a couple, and that’s what you needed. You scanned the park and saw an old couple getting ice cream for the grandson. “Bingo!” you said as you started over toward them.

“Excuse me, are you two married?” You asked politely as you approached.

“45 years!” the old man exclaimed with a smile that put a smile on Ryan and your faces as well.

“We're doing a photo scavenger hunt and we need a photo of a couple kissing; can we take your photo?” Ryan asked.

“We won't put it up on the internet or anything, it’s just for us to show the other team.”

“I suppose that would be fine,” the old lady said before turning to her husband with her lips puckered. They kissed long enough for you to get a great photo of them with their grandson looking slightly disgusted off to the side. It was funny and cute.

“This turned out great, thank you so much for your help,” you said before walking away with Ryan.

“Why didn't they just kiss each other!” The old woman asked her husband when you were out of earshot.

“I thought they were going to ask me to take their picture with one of those smartphones, I’m glad they didn't, I probably would have deleted everything!”

~

You reconvened with Dallon and Breezy to review the photos you took. As you scrolled through your phones, comparing what they got versus your team, they got to a photo of them kissing.

“I knew that’s what you would do,” Ryan commented.

“Yea well, what did you guys do?” Dallon retorted.

“We met the cutest old couple, they’ve been married for 45 years!” You said pulling up the photo. Breezy aww'ed at the photo but Dallon threw up his hands, exasperated. You glanced at Ryan, who shot you a confused look as well as you continued comparing the results of the scavenger hunt.

~

A couple days later you were in another new town with an extra day before the show. These types of days were pretty rare on the tour, so everyone was excited. Dallon decided that it was time to try another way to get you and Ryan together.

"A bunch of us are going out to dinner tonight, you wanna come along?" Dallon asked you and Ryan casually that morning.

"Yea, sure sounds great," you said.

"Yea I'm in," Ryan replied.

"Perfect, the reservation will be under my name in case we're running like," Dallon said as he walked away.

"Why would he be late to his own dinner plans?" You asked.

"I dunno, but he's been acting weird lately."

You watched through narrowed eyes as Dallon went back over by his wife and started saying something to her. “Very suspicious.”

Ryan just shrugged. "I'm just excited to eat something on this tour besides fast food."

"Same," you replied.

~

You arrived at the restaurant a little early. You gave the hostess Dallon's name and you were led to a table for two secluded from the rest of the tables, lit warmly with a few small candles.

“I think there’s a mistake-” you started as the hostess sat you at the table.

“We were told you might say that, but no, this is for you,” she said before walking away.

You sat there for a few minutes feeling anxious, even more so when you saw who the hostess was bringing over.

“Hi Ryan,” you said when he sat down.

“(YN), wow, you look stunning.” You wear wearing the nicest dress you had brought with you on tour. It was short, black, and had an open back.

“Thanks, you look really nice as well. So, umm, I think I know what’s going on and why Dallon was acting so weird. We're being set up.”

“Definitely a set up,” Ryan replied with a laugh.

“I don't mind,” you said quietly.

Ryan raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Really? ‘Cause I don't either.”

You smiled warmly at Ryan, not sure what to say, but you were rescued by the waiter arriving at the table.

“Good evening, my name is Michael and I will be taking care of you tonight. I have been given specific instructions that Mr. Weekes will be taking care of the bill, so please do not hesitate when making your choices. Can I suggest a bottle of wine to get started?”

You were grinning by now, both because of the absurdity that Dallon wanted this to happen so badly, but also because you knew you were about to cut loose on that menu. “I think that sounds like a great idea, Michael.”

After a bottle of wine, almost too much food, and a lot of great conversation, you found Ryan holding your hand in his and he was smiling at you like he could hardly believe this was happening.

You and Ryan walked out of the restaurant hand in hand and down the street toward the hotel where you were all staying.

“Isn't there a park on the other side of the building?” you asked.

“Yea, I think I saw that, wanna check it out?”

“Yea,” you replied giving his hand a squeeze. You didn't want the night to end.

You walked along the path through the park, illuminated by old fashioned street lamps. Eventually you found a bench and sat down.

“Like I said before, I’m actually glad Dallon did this for us. I didn't really realize that you might have feelings for me,” you mumbled.

“I was thinking the same thing. And I didn't know if I should say anything before the tour ended, in case you didn't feel the same.”

“I’m glad this is working out,” you smiled. Ryan took the opportunity to place his hand on your cheek and leaned in, placing a sweet kiss on your lips and you kissed back. After a moment you pulled back and you were both smiling. Ryan wrapped his arm around your shoulder and pulled you snugly against him and you rested your head on his shoulder.

“I was thinking,” you started. Ryan mmhmm'ed to let you know he was listening. “What if we play it off like this didn't work and we're still totally clueless to our feelings, just to see if we can get some more free meals put of it.”

Ryan laughed heartily at your suggestion. “That would drive him nuts! Maybe we should. Although I don't know if I can go back to not kissing you every time I want to.”

You looked up at him. “I agree, this is better.”

Masterlist

[lindoig4]

Glaciers and Ice

Glaciers have become an unexpected focus for me!  Hundreds of them!  Everywhere you look, there are several.  We saw one that has an 11km calving front and most are probably 30 to 50 metres high at the face, but possibly hundreds of metres thick in the circ or neve (further inland, the ice is several kilometres thick!).

They are eye-wateringly glaring white, although they contain quite a bit of rock and other debris collected during the inexorable march to the sea.  We were told that most move up to about a metre a day, but some can move more than 20 metres a day.  We have been Zodiac-ing around in front of some, always a few hundred metres away, and seen many examples of calving.  Usually it is just a boulder or two or a few tons of ice falling into the water, making a noisy splash and a small series of waves, but we have also seen many thousands of tons come crashing down, sending deadly shards of ice flying hundreds of metres in the air and creating a surging wave more than 2 metres high right across the bay in all directions.  We can often hear the ice grinding away from the front, rumbling, grumbling and growling exactly like rolling thunder, interspersed with rifle cracks like lightning as the ice slips and splits into crevasses, chasms and serac towers, often portending a huge calving a minute or two later.  Some blocks of ice at crazy angles seem ready to fall in an instant, yet remain poised while neighbouring chunks collapse into the sea with a thunderous roar and surge of water that has had our Zodiac drivers fleeing flat out to put extra space between us and the onrushing tsunami.

On one occasion, I was looking at a crack in the ice where I thought a bird had flown when the crack opened and lengthened and a few hundred tons of ice fell into the sea – but most times, we hear the crash after the event and only see the later stages of the calving.

Once the ice is in the water, it often breaks into a number of icebergs of various sizes, that turn and twist and tumble until an equilibrium is reached and they drift off away from the face of the glacier to float around until they finally melt and disappear, months or often even several years later.  We have cruised around in our Zodiacs, in and out of areas of ice – with icebergs as small as tiny slivers and as big as a small fleet of B-Doubles.  We haven’t seen any giant ones like we see in photos from Antarctica, but we have been very aware of it being the Arctic as we are surrounded by some of Nature’s most exquisite sculptures.  Individual bergs come in every conceivable shape – and many that are really not conceivable at all.  It is hard to understand how particular delicate shapes could evolve.  Some are like pancakes, often undercut for metres at sea level so there is just a crust surrounding a great bulk of ice in the middle. Some are just big lumps of ice. Others are a junkpile of boulders, blocks, rectangular solids, weird shapes, all set at crazy angles to each other so it is impossible to imagine how they could form like that.  There are large areas of slush that the Zodiacs simply glide over or through, and even quite large ice-rocks simply slide aside to make way for the progress of our little exploratory craft.  It truly is a Wonderland, usually still and quiet except for the background whisper of trillions of popping air-bubbles, trapped under immense pressure inside the ice, bursting free as their millennia-long prison melts slowly in the weak sunshine.  It is magic to just sit still and silent waiting for the next majestic calving to occur.  And often there is an accompaniment of tinkling, sometimes a mini-roar as waterfalls of meltwater drip or pour off the larger bergs.

We have also spent time on board grinding through pack-ice.  In some areas, the sea is an endless white pancake, somewhat uneven from the pressure raising some plates over others or breaking them up to stand erect and refrozen in the distance.  This is where we have found some clues as to how the amazing shapes might form.  Looking down over the bow, we see the ship cracking through the floes, buckling and breaking the pancake, sliding plates over and under other parts of the floe, redistributing the weight, buoyancy and pressures to create something of a chain reaction for quite a few metres around.  We hear the ice rumbling and grinding against the hull, harsh and angry. Sometimes the thickness or density is such that when the ship encounters a berg, there is a sudden deceleration or a swerve to port or starboard that reverberates throughout the ship and we are reminded that there are forces far greater than just liquid water outside.

The ice also exhibits a surprising array of colours.  Freshly calved glaciers tend to be quite blue due to the compressed air under immense pressure inside, but this fades to dazzling white over time.  It means that watching the bluest areas of the glacier-front gives us the greatest chance of seeing an event as it happens.  Most times, we hear the initial crash of ice hitting the water and we just see the end of the calving – but for all that, what we have seen has been quite awesome with sometimes thousands of tons of ice tumbling into the sea.  Algae also grows on the surface of the ice so we have seen many areas of red, green, orange, grey and black ice – as well as many areas of just plain dirty ice where dust and debris has blown onto the ice and become embedded – or ground into the sides of the glacier as it scratches and scrapes it way across unyielding mountains on its rendezvous with the sea.  Looking into icebergs, we are often able to see quite large rocks or areas of dust laid down perhaps thousands of years ago, ready to drop as sediment or scree as the ice melts.  The sea near glacier fronts appears quite murky compared with crystal clear pristine water further out to sea.  And walking across a moraine is very difficult where the ice has retreated and left trillions of little round stones or a cacophony of slightly larger ones set at every angle to their neighbours.  Finding a safe foothold or trudging through a sea of pebbles up to our ankles takes its toll on one’s energy.  The icebergs themselves are quite beautiful, usually as sharp and white as can be imagined, but a wonderful delicate turquoise glow under the water, not so easily defined as the depths blur the edges.  Some are opaque white ice, some are crystal clear, many more are a mix of both, streaked with vivid blue or just plain dirty from the embedded detritus.

We have seen lots of movement among the bergs with quite large ones turning turtle and breaking up or large chunks of ice emerging from under nearby bergs and surprising us as they leap up next to our Zodiac.  This is as a result of disparate melting, causing the centre of gravity of the iceberg to shift and the internal pressures created over centuries suddenly creating new points of equilibrium that result in dramatic movements of great volumes of ice within a second or two.  And remember that all we see is the tip of the iceberg – 90% or more of it is hidden in the depths and we frequently drive over the most exquisite blue or turquoise sea beneath our Zodiac.

Local critters

The entire focus of the expedition for most people is Polar Bears.  We have seen several, but always at a fair distance.  They appear as dots in most photographs and people watch from the bridge for hours hoping to see one swimming between ice floes or snoozing on the ice.  For me, watching a fur rug sleeping on the ice a kilometre or so in the distance is interesting for a time, but hardly enthralling.  The ship has spent a lot of time hunting bears with some success, and I would like to see one a little closer (not too close) to satisfy my curiosity, but other beasties are just as interesting for me.

We saw a few Arctic Foxes, not up close, but certainly close enough to see them clearly and watch as they hunted around the tundra for a bird to eat or some eggs to scavenge. We have seen both the blue fox (bluish brown-black) and the more common morph (yellow-white and brown) and they move very smoothly across the rocks and snow in their search for food.

We have seen quite a few seals of various species, some on ice floes, but mostly just popping their heads up out of the water near the Zodiacs to see what these strange humans look like.  More exciting are the walruses.  We saw one haul-out of about 70 to 100 at quite a distance one evening, but we went ashore this morning and approached another herd of about the same number to the closest legal proximity of 30 metres (with the Governor’s Police auditing our activities at a distance).  They were very courteous when we chatted with them on our return to the Zodiacs – the Politi that is – the walruses ignored us.  They were very bad-mannered in fact, constantly burping and grunting, waving their flippers and displaying their bums to us – quite rude really.  But it was amazing to get so close to these wonderful huge animals and see them in their natural habitat.

There are not that many species of birds here.  A book in the bridge indicates that, including rare vagrants, Svalbard’s complete bird list stands at 81, but perhaps less than half those are regularly sighted. My list currently stands at 21, including perhaps my favourite for the trip so far, the Ivory Gull.  There are some other special birds though – another is the Arctic Tern.  I need to do some more research once we get Internet access in Reykjavik or Canada, but I think I have seen 6, possibly up to 8, species that are new to us – ‘lifers’ in the twitching world.

On Board Activities

Mainly eating – with visits to the bar, the bridge and the rigamarole of preparing to go ashore and ‘un-preparing’ when we return to the ship.  It is liberating to free one’s poor feet from their gumboot prison.

But there have been a couple of briefings, a cocktail party (buy-your-own-cocktails) to meet the Captain and some crew, and a few very interesting lectures.

The lectures have been by specialist staff.  One was on Ice and Rocks by Ulliana, a glaciologist, one on Mammals and Birds of the Arctic by Roger (odd bod researcher of various things that make him think he is an expert on everything), and one on Polar Bears by Chris, a naturalist and probably the most impressive mine of knowledge on board. All have been fascinating, almost too information-rich, but very entertaining and provocative even if not much of the detail lodged on my memory-bank.

Then there was the Polar Plunge, a traditional event in which demented passengers and equally insane crew are invited to leap into the ocean without breaking any bones on the ice. Nine intrepid jumpers took the plunge this trip, several had done it on previous expeditions, but I think they must all be crazy.  (Mind you, Heather decided against it, but wants to do it on the Greenland leg.)  It is simply a few seconds in the 1 degree ocean then back into the 2 degree air with a wind-chill factor that probably makes the ocean feel decidedly bath-like.  Not for me, especially not with a gallery of about 60 people making sure I didn’t chicken out – as I am sure I would.

More about Ice

An iceberg that is 250 metres square and a mere 20 metres high (and we have seen quite a few up to 90 metres high), containing a few tonnes or hundreds/thousands of tonnes of accumulated moraine has about another 10 times as much underwater as is visible.  A few rough calculations puts this little ice-block at a over 7 hectares in area or 12.5 million cubic metres in volume.  Given that each cubic metre of ice weighs a tonne, the Titanic really didn’t stand much chance taking on a piece of ice that possibly bulked out at 20-100 million tonnes or more.

When we were all out on deck last night enjoying our ‘funny hat’ barbecue dinner, the ship was cruising along with icebergs drifting past at maybe 11 or 12 knots, we were very glad of the skills of our Russian crew in avoiding a collision with any of them. It was a truly amazing sight to be enjoying a meal and drinks with a parade of giant ice-towers marching past 25 metres or so to either side of the ship.

One thing that surprised me was the manoeuvrability of the ship.  In the Zodiacs, we just zap along, skidding over most small icebergs or turning on a sixpence around bigger ice blocks with only the larger ones offering any real resistance.  But I assumed that the ship would be unable to change course fast enough to avoid anything.  It has amazed me to see the skill of the helmsman weaving between most of the larger floes, sliding past with just an inch or so to spare, occasionally bumping one gently aside with only the solid pack ice challenging the ice-strengthened hull.  The skill of our Russian crew is truly outstanding.

And just a definitional point...... I have referred to icebergs quite often, but technically we have seen very few.  To be officially designated an iceberg, it must be 5 metres high and 15 metres long (or 200 square metres).  This means the part of the ice that is visibly above the waterline.  Somewhat smaller chunks of ice are called Bergy Bits (yep, true scientific name) and anything under a metre high are called Growlers - and hundreds of them have growled along the sides of our ship.

I thought that true icebergs are more common at even higher latitudes and in the southern Antarctic where calving is even more dramatic, but we saw some awesome icebergs around Greenland.  Maybe more later – with pics!

[102818arcvd]

PLOT BUNNIES MASTERPOST

GENERAL/MISCELLANEOUS:

You’re walking home and it’s late. I can't just let you walk home like that so I’m walking a bit behind you so I can make sure you’re safe, but that doesn’t mean I’ll admit that soft tidbit of facts.

‘I can’t avoid you. Why do you keep showing up in places where I’m at and… Are you-? You’re not-? You can’t be stalking me . . . are you? Are you sure you’re not?’

Jinsoo has a bad habit of taking dares and bets with enough coercing even if they are not in the best option for him. your muse had dared him // or you’re involved in a dare that he has been tasked with. 

Jinsoo has been coming by and feeding this stray animal for weeks, only to find out that it was your pet.

We’re both waiting for the bus and you forgot your umbrella but uh– why are you standing so close to me? . . . Are you purposefully trying to stand under my umbrella? This is embarrassing . . just take it, God.

I Tried to get the candy bar that didn’t drop out of the vending machine and now my hand is stuck. can u help me or I’m going to die here… At least send my regards to my family, they might have to cremate me aND the vending machine together. (x)

You’re so drunk that you literally got onto/into my (vehicle) thinking I was a taxi and you refuse to get off, So, I just end up driving you. 

Your muse and Jinsoo both decide to deal with paranormal situations, ghost hunting ig ? i dunno i just want cute talks of all things paranormal stuff, legends, folklore, conspiracy theories-- Going to abandoned places and investigating!! Bringing a camera and equipment, Buzzfeed unsolved type antics!! Going to the haunted forest in wonseo and getting lost!! give me please

‘You fell asleep on my shoulder and I’m feeling a bit uncomfortable but you look so cute and angelic as you sleep and I don’t have the heart to wake you up. No. Wait-- we aren’t a couple, this isn’t what it looks like– Stop it.’

‘You’re a complete stranger but I can tell you have a fear of our current task whatever it may be and I’m attempting to be comforting and take your mind away from the fear by distracting you with conversation and such.’

Jinsoo has a few different things he’s afraid of Spiders,Heights, And open water due to a near-death experience when he was a child. Idea of possibly the other person finding out. Teasing him on it or possibly helping him overcome such fears. He doesn’t like to open up about things about himself unless he’s close to you though so keep this in mind, we can plot some ideas on how they find out!

Muse A is this fairly popular (online persona) and Muse B ran into them and recognized them. when Muse B offered Muse A a handshake, Muse A gave them a hug and followed their (social media) so now they dm each other and every time Muse B visits their events/live streams/ect. Muse A always excitedly greets them and they feel so special.

I meant to grab the popcorn, not your crotch, sorry. 

Muse A Sits beside Muse B In a theatre and Muse B is terrified of horror-- Muse B Freaks out partway through and grabs for Muse A's hand repeatedly and Muse A doesn't complain, Because Fuck.. They're really cute .. 

Muse A is working/chilling at (Location) and witnesses Muse B get stood up and Muse A goes over to make sure Muse B is okay but-- Oh Jeez . . . are you crying? Uhm, Wait , just -- ...

muse a's puppy has a major problem with behaving while on a leash. while out on a walk, the dog takes off after a squirrel or something. enter muse b, who manages to intercept the beast and now the dog likes them better.

You steal my parking spot all the time and I was just heading out to leave a strongly worded note under your windshield wiper but oh no you're hot I saw you trying to hit the 'door close' button in the elevator but I made it in and then I pushed every single button to make you later for work, but now we're stuck in this fucking elevator as it stops at every single floor and I don't know what to say other than 'you started it!' 

Theres a Warning alert because of recent crimes (small to serial killer? whichever) and I'm/You're scared to walk home, so we've been walking home together since.

we're in the waiting room at the vet (groomers or whatever) and my dog keeps whimpering and tugging to go over to your cat/dog and I keep apologizing because my dog just loves everyone seriously

We both like the same person and I’m jealous, so by default, I just don’t like you at least 99% more than before.

We’ve always been partners in crime, best friends till the end, ride or die- but you’ve been spending a lot of time around this new friend and I’m getting way more jealous than I should because I don’t want to lose you.’

FAMILY/FRIENDS THREADS:

‘You and I always get mistaken for siblings and- no, we aren’t? Let’s just roll with it anyway though.’

‘you’re a family member or friend w/e that I drifted away from because you don’t really support anything I do in life and always get preachy about my opinions, actions, and beliefs and now I just try to avoid you every time you want to see me because it’s awkward’

You really like my brother and so you’re asking me to help you but uh… ? I’ve never dated . . . how would I know….

‘character b drifted from their friend (character a) but when they were reunited, one or both of them changed too much’

‘used-to-be strangers who bonded over a mutual enemy’

‘ex-enemies who are now bffs attached at the hip’

'saltmates (friends who bond over their mutual dislike of things) ’

'character b pretended to be character a’s significant other to get creeps to leave them alone and now they’re close friends’

'friends who always seem to find trouble and danger together’

'character a is always pushing character b to do/be better’

'character b is the only person who can talk character a through their panic episodes’

'We used-to-be best friends until character a left character b for new friends’

'friends who bring out the worst in each other (or the best) ’

'they met on social media as teenagers and they’re still close friends’

'We’ve been pen pals/internet friends for a bit and hey, I’m in your area, so let’s meet up?’

“I know I’m the one who suggested we watch a scary movie, but now I can’t sleep. Can I sleep in your room?” (preferably your muse !! Jinsoo is a bit fearless with these things)

CLASS/WORK THREADS:

you keep finding Jinsoo’s origami around and, finding it interesting and also being skilled in (talent) you leave (said item) where his frogs are and somehow it had become a habit regularly, you don’t know each other but tend to always leave the items and maybe words for each other that turn into letters and become friendly penpals of somesort.

you copied off of me and got mad when you got a bad score while I got a good one.  you’re just so frustrated because how the hell does that even happen and damn, I seem pretty pleased with myself because I intentionally marked answers wrong and fixed them later so you would stop copying off of me but the teacher figured that I should tutor you and I’m mad that I have to waste my time on a cheater.

'We’re related / Peers in (Competitive Enviornment) and I have an attitude with you but only because I’m really just envious of you.’

'You’re someone I literally can not stand with every fiber in my body for whatever reason. Who in heaven or hell keeps pairing us together for tasks?’

bonding solely via eye contact over that annoying person in our class that we’re both slowly becoming more and more exasperated about.

 you came into the store i work at looking for something and i had no idea where it was so we bonded over this impromptu scavenger hunt and now you’re always out shopping for something just to see me.

while waiting outside our classroom i asked what the homework was to which you replied "we had homework!?" and now we always wait outside the classroom together,  also you always copy my homework

In (said store) and Muse A Is struggling to reach something, So Muse B comes over to help.

Muse B is a new student / Transfer / visitor to the college and is completely lost as well as horrible at directions, So when Muse A comes by to help-- they end up doing The Most(TM)

NEIGHBOR/ROOMMATE THREADS:

Hanging out and Power outage causes them to have dinner by candlelight; joking about it being romantic

Fighting over the thermostat settings.

You’re a (friend/Neighbor) and something is making noises from the closet but you’re terrified, so I go to investigate the strange noises coming from the closet only to find that a cat had climbed in through your open window and was trying to break free from its encloseted prison.

You keep getting my neighbour to let you inside because I refuse to let you in, can you go home? 

‘you accidentally shipped this weird thing to my apartment and I’m returning it and uh– what the hell is that my pet inside your house…???’

‘You’ve been playing guitar in the hall right outside my apartment door for a while now and its 3AM and I’m exhausted, I have a test tomorrow at 9AM- and I’m contemplating going to beat your ass, shut the fuck up.’

'We are neighbours and you always are so loud so late– stomping around and making so much sound- loud as hell… and I used to get mad and be grumpy as fuck and always go over to yell at you but lately, its been strangely quiet and Maybe I miss it? And- Is that crying? are you crying? That’s it, I’m going over.’

i live downstairs from you and your sink pipe has burst and now it's leaking into my apartment so i go upstairs, knock on your door, and you open it soaking wet so i help you fix it while also trying not to get distracted by the fact that your shirt is now see through

ROMANTIC  THREADS:

I suggested we play spin the bottle so i could kiss you, but now everyone else is kissing you except me and im highkey getting pissed off now,, :/

I suggested we go to the beach but everyone is checking you out in your swimsuit and now i'm jealous, but i can’t say anything because we’re not even dating.

You have a crush on me for some odd reason and always come to watch me during baseball but I’m pretty dense and don’t realize it and so I genuinely think you want to play baseball with me.

You confessed to me before I went to study abroad in high school and I never replied properly– I had forgotten about it till now.

'I asked you to help me with these topics because I didn’t understand them- But honestly, I think you’re stunning and I just want your attention on me for just a minute. Look at me for now.

'we were each others wingman/wingwoman for some time but now I’m starting to realize that I might be kind of into you and I’m confused. When did that happen? Shit.’

[shitty-check-please-aus]

What do you think about an “i picked up your bag at the airport but i can’t find your number so i’m about to embark on the largest scavenger hunt of all time by using your strange belongings to track you down” au with charmer or nurseydex or zimbits or something??

Well, I don’t know if you expected three mini fics, and I didn’t fully follow the prompt, but here we are.

1. Charmer

Look, Chris knew it was dumb. He knew that everyone on earth had a plain black suitcase, he knew he should have double-checked the luggage tag, he knew it was important to be sure abut these things. But knowing what he should have done couldn’t help him when he finally got his suitcase home and opened it up to find mostly yoga pants and sundresses. 

Fuck.

He zipped the bag back up and flipped open the luggage tag. It was cute, pink with some metallic lettering saying “I’m outta here!” in a handwritten font. Chris blamed jetlag and the redeye flight for making him miss the fact that it wasn’t his Sharks tag. He blamed the bag’s owner for not filling out any of the information on the tag.

Dammit.

Well, sorry random girl, he thought. He opened the suitcase up again to try to see if he could find anything that would give him a clue as to who the suitcase owner was. He moved a makeup bag aside, and hit gold immediately. Well, Samwell red. A Women’s Volleyball tshirt– mystery suitcase girl had to be on the volleyball team.

“Hey Ransom!” he yelled. “You’re facebook friends with all the volleyball team right?”

“He’s friends with everyone on campus!” Holster yelled back.

“Ask their captain if anyone flew in from the Bay Area and lost their luggage!”

_X_

“Is Justin here? My captain said he’s got my suitcase.” Chris overheard her at the door. He grabbed the bag and started hauling it downstairs. As he set it down at the bottom and caught sight of the girl in the doorway, he froze. She was pretty. Like, really pretty. 

“Um, hi,” he said.

“So you’re Justin? Oh my god, I’m so glad it wasn’t some total rando who got my bag.” 

“I’m actually Chris, Justin was just the one who was friends with your captain. Um, I’m sorry, but I kind of had to look through your stuff? Your luggage tag wasn’t filled out.” The girl laughed.

“Yours wasn’t either! Me and my teammates were like one minute away from googling the record holder for most San Jose Sharks merch, but it totally makes sense that you’re on the hockey team.” 

“Since we both forgot to write our numbers down, maybe we should do that now?” Chris suggested. The girl grinned, grabbed his phone out of his hand, and opened up a new contact. She punched in a number, and when she handed it back he saw a text of several random emojis addressed to the new contact of “Caitlin Farmer” with a girl farmer emoji and a volleyball emoji.

“Text me sometime, and maybe we can get dinner?” she said, and she was gone with her suitcase. 

Chris collapsed on the couch, a dreamy look in his eyes.

“Chowder? You get your suitcase back?” Bitty called out from the kitchen.

“Yeah! and I think I’m in love now!”

2. Nurseydex

“Cheryl, I’m telling you, I had a ton of inspiration on the plane and I wrote some great stuff for act three. No. No, it wasn’t just me thinking it’s great because I popped some melatonin and got really sleepy. It’s like, legit. Yeah, I’ll send it over as soon as I get home and–”

Derek slammed into something. If he’d been holding his phone in his hand (bluetooth is a blessing when you drop stuff easily) it would have launched across the airport. As it was, his post-flight latte was soaking through the nice white shirt of the handsome stranger in front of him.

“Shit,” the stranger said, looking down to survey the damage.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have trusted myself to make a phone call and not be clumsy after such a long flight,” Derek said. He set his briefcase down and pulled a wad of napkins out of the outside pocket. The guy took a deep breath, going from murderous to calm in a few seconds. 

“I wasn’t looking where I was going either, it’s not your fault,” the guy said, setting down his own briefcase and accepting the napkins. He blotted at his shirt.

“Let me pay for the dry cleaning. Or a replacement,” Derek offered. The man shook his head.

“It’s fine, it probably needed to go to the cleaners anyways.” He checked his watch. “If I run, I can probably get a new one before my meeting.” He wadded the napkins into one big ball, picked up his briefcase, and walked towards the exit with a terse nod. Derek, feeling terrible about the whole thing, picked up his own briefcase and walked to baggage claim.

By the time he was reunited with his home office, a cozy bookshelf-lined room in his brownstone, he had almost forgotten about the coffee incident. He was focused on sending the manuscript to Cheryl. Unfortunately, that was going to be difficult, considering he pulled a PC laptop out of the bag instead of his Mac.

Derek stared at the computer for a full minute. He almost couldn’t believe that this was happening to him. Hesitantly, he opened the laptop. On one side of the keyboard there was a weird thing that a few seconds of phone googling told him was a fingerprint scanner. Shit. He hit the space bar experimentally. Something flashed on the screen, and then was replaced with just a plain black screen with red text: ACCESS DENIED

Derek swore. He started to look through the rest of what was in the briefcase, but was disappointed to find it empty except for the laptop’s charger, three packs of gum, and receipts from a lobster shack in Maine. Shit. Nothing in here would tell him anything about the redhead he’d launched a latte at. 

He closed the laptop dejectedly, ignored his editor’s text messages, and went into the kitchen to make himself lunch and feel sorry for himself. This was the universe punishing him for covering a cute guy with coffee. If he had just kept his focus and waited to call his editor later, he could have sent the draft along and saved it and not be desperately trying to remember his inspiration.

Just as the self-pity spiral was really taking off, the doorbell rang. Derek sighed, put down his tea, and walked to the door. When he opened it, it wasn’t Girl Scouts or Jehovah’s Witnesses, but the guy from the airport.

“Cancel whatever you’re doing today, I need to teach you the most basic principles of digital security,” the guy said, pushing past Derek into the dining room. He shoved a stack of papers onto a chair and pulled Derek’s laptop out.

“I’m Will, by the way, I make software that’s hopefully a step ahead of viruses.”

“Is the draft still there?”

“The draft of what?” The guy looked confused.

“My third act breakthrough. I’m a novelist, I need to get it to my editor and I couldn’t remember if I saved it,” Derek explained.

“You know you can set up an auto-save every five minutes or so, right?” Will asked.

“This might be surprising to you, but I’ve never had a cute guy storm into my house and yell at me about computers before.” Will looked up from Derek’s computer, blushing.

“I haven’t had a cute guy dump a gallon of coffee all over me and steal my laptop before, either, but here we are.”

“Maybe you can yell about computers over lunch with me?”

3. Zimbits

Button downs. Tank tops. Slacks. Shorts. Three rolling pins. A pie tin. A half-emptied multipack of sharpies.

No lucky puck. No clothes in his size. No jerseys.

Jack sighed. It would just be too much to ask for anything to go well today. He picked up his phone to call someone with the Falconers, in the hope that they could talk to the airline and sort all this out. At the same time, his phone lit up with Tater’s face.

“Zimmboni! Look on twitter. Small internet baker has your suitcase!” Tater hung up before he could reply, so Jack just opened twitter instead. 

omgcheckplease: A bunch of pucks, some dirty jerseys, and a history textbook. Either I’m back in college or this isn’t my suitcase.

omgcheckplease: .@falcsofficial please tell your #1 player to DM me and come get his shit

omgcheckplease: and @falcsofficial tell him to give me my shit back. my hockey days are in the past, I need rolling pins, not a mouthguard

Jack smiled and laughed in the way a person laughs when they’re alone, just blowing more air than normal out of his nose. He looked through the twitter for a minute– the guy, Eric Bittle, was a Providence-based chef, whose latest tweets were mostly greetings to the various cities he’d been visiting on tour. Jack clicked the media tab on the account, and looked through the pictures. Bittle was cute. He wrote a reply.

zimmboni: .@omgcheckplease how do I send u a DM

omgcheckplease: .@zimmboni you don’t deserve to be verified, oh my god #verifybittle2k17

A few seconds later another notification popped up, and he tapped it to be brought to a DM window.

omgcheckplease: hey! sorry about the mixup. I can only imagine how confused you were to find all my book tour stuff.

zimmboni: Probably as confused as you were finding hockey stuff?

omgcheckplease: I wasn’t joking in my tweets, I did play hockey before I got into the whole cookbook/food show thing

zimmboni: Exactly, I did a book tour last year in the off-season :-)

omgcheckplease: oh my gosh, isn’t it the best and the worst?

zimmboni: I know. It’s great to meet people and talk about your work, but it’s exhausting.

omgcheckplease: that’s why I’m so excited to be back in Providence! at least until the next cookbook.

zimmboni: Well we should probably meet up to trade suitcases. Want to meet somewhere for dinner?

omgcheckplease: don’t trust me to learn where your house is?

zimmboni: I mean, if dinner goes well enough…

omgcheckplease: OH. okay, then, Mr. Zimmermann, it’s a date.

Jack smiled to himself, and got ready for his date.

[anotherdoor]

Due to garbage internet connections for the last couple of weeks, the blog posts have not been particularly forthcoming. Wifi connections in Northern Italy seem to be tenuous at best. As such we are now faced with the task of catching everyone up within the next 3 days, coz it would be weird to be writing catch-up once we’re home, right? So basically I’m saying expect a brief surge in blog activity! Thank god our Airbnb in Perugia has a decent wifi.

Anyways, let’s talk about Florence. We spent a whole 7 days there (such a long time!). It was actually really nice to spend a reasonably decent chunk of time in one place – it meant that we could take things a lot slower and have some time just for R&R. Which we needed at that point. Shaun was still unwell (is still unwell [Shaun – pretty sure it’s bronchitis, pretty sure the chest pain is a bad sign]), and while I have a slightly higher constitution score than him [Shaun – at least +10 higher], I was also starting to succumb to whatever illness he had contracted.

Our Airbnb was a lovely little flat on the outskirts of Florence, not far from the Rifredi Station (which is a 5 minute train ride from the main Santa Maria Novella Station). We did have to share the flat with another couple at any given point in time, but it was OK. We actually met a lovely Swiss couple there, who stayed for 3 nights and they taught us how to use the Moka pot (an ingenious Italian invention – home espresso anyone?) and a cork-screw properly. Turns out that if you want to drink wine, cork-screws are a necessity. There seems to be a general disdain for screw-capped wine bottles in Italy – cork sealed bottles are the norm here. I can now say that I truly appreciate a screw-capped bottle. They are so much more convenient. And you can properly reseal them. Corks are a huge hassle. There is no evidence that cork sealed wine is better. It’s just more annoying. Especially when you screw it up! ‘Hurrah!’ you may proclaim, ‘now there’s cork shards floating through my wine. So much extra flavour. Delish!’ New Zealand had the right idea of moving away from cork sealed wine is all I’m saying.

Okie doke, rant aside, we did quite a few things in Florence while we were there (we had 7 nights after all). In regards to ‘resting’ activities we did some random wanderings of the neighbourhood we stayed in, caught up on laundry (at last), had siestas, watched some Netflix and made lots of home cooked meals (the fact there was a kitchen at our Airbnb was a massive boon – you rapidly get sick of eating out, especially in a foreign country where you’re never entirely sure what the bill will be until you go up to pay, and always have to ask whether anything on the menu is “senza glutine”.). Luckily, most Italian supermarkets and pharmacies have a good range of gluten free products to choose from, so we were able to make gnocchi, ravioli, and spaghetti, among other tasty meals. We had mozzarella with pretty much everything, obvs. Mozzarella in Italy is amazing, not at all like it is in New Zealand (in my admittedly limited experience). The basil pesto in Italy is similarly amazing. We had it with potato gnocchi on multiple occasions. So good!

In central Florence I discovered (with help from friend Google) my favouritest bakery in the whole wide world – Starbene; an entirely gluten free bakery! It was like being in gluten free heaven. They had pizza, delicious focaccias, sandwiches, calzones, doughnuts, pastries, little biscuits, they even had a range of gluten free beers and other beverages. It became a habit to go there for lunch. I think we went 4 out of the 7 days we were there. We would probably have gone more, but we arrived late in the evening the first day, the second was purely catching up on “chores” (i.e. getting groceries and laundry etc), and then we had a day-trip to Pisa on another day (which will be talked about in another post). On top of having amazing gluten free food, the prices were about that of a standard bakery. So refreshing after being charged a premium most other places. So much happiness!

Right, so we ended up avoiding most of the super touristy attractions, having developed a deep-seated hatred for queuing in the dead heat of the sun while being harassed by street vendors. Plus, we both discovered that neither of us particularly cares that much about religious art or the many variations of Duomo, cathedral or church. Especially if we have to pay and/or queue to see them. So we gave the Uffizi Gallery, Duomo and vast majority of museums in Florence a miss. 

Instead we did a lot of walking. We trekked up the hill on the far side of the river to the Piazza del Michelangelo (note: most of the best things in Florence are on the other side of the river, Starbene being the main exclusion). We walked through a lovely little rose garden on the way up, where we got to go on a bronze statue scavenger hunt. The views from the Piazza were amazing – Florence is a gorgeous city. So many terracotta roofs and flamboyant spires! After soaking in the views, we continued up the hill to a cemetery where lots of (dead) famous Italians were buried. It was so quiet in there, and we were totally alone most of the time. The tombs and headstones were a great show of wealth and art. It was interesting, if a bit eerie.

Other things we did: Went to the Central/San Lorenzo Markets (a cornucopia of leather goods, fresh fruit, meats, cheeses etc. - definitely worthwhile to see!), visited the Boboli Gardens (pretty, but a bit underwhelming for the admission ticket), walked the Stibbert Gardens (there was a pond full of turtles! And a cute little Egyptian temple.), went to the Oblate Public Library (vast and sprawling, with great views over the Duomo), rubbed the snout of the ‘little piggy’ statue (supposedly good luck, weirdly fun), not to mention a whole lot of wandering the streets and general exploration. We also went to this great little fort called Forte di Belvedere, which acts as a weird art/sculpture exhibition space. It was one of the best places we visited, so great that Shaun will apparently write a separate blog post about it.

I think now is a good moment for a photo montage.

Until next time.

- K

[gishwheshistorian]

GISHWHES II Commandments, Rules, Regulations, and Subliminal Messages

As a participant of GISHWHES you agree to strictly adhere to the following rules. Any breaking of such rules shall result in eligibility for immediate disqualification for you, your Team and your offspring.

1. Participation: You are only permitted to compete in GISHWHES and be eligible for the grand prize if you register and electronically sign allregistration documentation. Homo sapiens of any age may compete. See the Official Rules and Regulations for details on participation and eligibility.

2. Rights. As we will be sharing with everyone a number of the beautifully artistic submitted items, by competing in the contest, you agree to the following: "By submitting links, videos, images or text content ("Content") to Gishwhes via links, emails or files, you are granting Conglomerated Ubiquitous Multinational, LLC and Gishwhes and its related companies and managers ALL RIGHTS related to ownership and distribution of said Content for the next 792.634 years. Such Content may be distributed, shown, or broadcast in any medium at any time to any audience during this time period."

3. Behavior. You are not permitted to physically, emotionally or psychologically hurt or attack yourself, another GISHWHESHEAN, or their grandparents during the Hunt.

3.a. Personal hygiene is for losers.

4. Retribution. If you feel anger, frustration or hostility towards another during the Hunt, you may sling a MAXIMUM of two "pretend" strands of cold spaghetti (no longer than 5 inches long) in their "general" direction, but never directly at their face or body. If you hit them, they may retaliate by throwing a maximum of two "pretend" dried pieces of kale at your left forearm from at least 6 feet away. Both parties must immediately apologize with an exchange of two flowers - one real, one "pretend". If it occurs, this entire altercation must be filmed with the video link emailed to jeanlouis@gishwhes.com with the subject heading "GISHWHES brawl!"

5. Breaking the Law. You are not permitted to break any law in attempt to scavenge an item. Gishwhes will not be responsible if you break a law. We will be responsible for any pickles you harm.

6. Scavenging Safety. First rule when scavenging: be safe. How can you join us in the haunted castle if you've hurt yourself? Second rule when scavenging: no giving lap dances to members of the British Royal Family.

7. Content. You shall not submit any lewd, crass, or nude images or videos.

7.a. Your left arm is clearly longer than your right arm.

8. Ineligible Syntax Vocabulary. Never ever use the word GISHWHES in connection with anything related to microwaves or polar bears. It's clearly derogatory and we will not tolerate that kind of divisive hate speech.

9. Item Interpretation: Do not "interpret" an item request. Provide exactly the item requested. If we request you in front of a living rhinoceros, we don't mean you in front of a picture of a living rhinoceros, or you in front of an action figure of a rhinoceros. It must be you in front of a living, breathing, reeking rhinoceros. If you choose to "interpret" you have a 95% chance of getting 0 credit. We are serious about this. However, because we don't like to draw lines in the sand or hamper creativity, if your interpretation is a TRULY inspired combination of creative genius and hard work, we might award you bonus points. But seriously, we are looking for the actual thing we say we are asking for. If you want to go to Scotland, your best bet is to knuckle down and do what we tell you to do without being smart-asses.

10. Submissions Secret Tip #1 - Take in-focus pictures and videos. Be artistic. Artistic wins. If you're not artistic you can still win by being precise!

11. Submissions Secret Tip #2 - Quantity won't win this contest if the items aren't precise. Quality of items is important.

12. Submissions Process. Submit Items by clicking on our "Item List" on our website, and then on the item you want to submit.

13. Submission Formats. You need to submit your videos by providing links to them at http://www.youtube.com or http://www.vimeo.com. Photo links must be submitted via http://imgur.com

14. Scoring. Each item will have a point value associated with it. The judges may assign additional points to items that are most excellently scavenged...meaning the photograph or video is exactly what we are asking for, executed to scientific, athletic or artistic perfection. The winning team will likely have multiple items that have been granted extra points for awesomesauceness.

14.a You are getting sleepy.

15. Complaining. You shall not complain, gripe, whine, whinge, or lobby or bribe Misha Collins, Miss Jean Louis, or any of the GISHWHES staff or volunteers. You may, however, send them a compliment accompanied by a drawing of a school bus (with no passengers!) being dropped into an active volcano or lava pool and that may get you somewhere interesting but will not get you anywhere closer to the Grand Prize.

16. Updates. You shall check GISHWHES's website page "Updates" on a daily basis during the Hunt for updates. Items may be added or removed from the list, or rules may be changed mid-hunt, so stay on it.

17. Friendship. You shall make at least 3 new friends during the Hunt, whether they are teammates or individuals you meet during the scavenging of items. You may provide an image of these people combined with images of anything else in a "Love Collage". Email collage photo with the subject heading "GISHWHES Love Collage" to jeanlouis@gishwhes.com

18. Image/Video Internet Plagiarism. You shall not submit any items that were not created by your team. Reminder: with Google image search it is a simple process of confirming the originality of images and videos. We have algorithms and ex-NSA hackers on our team and we will ferret out fraudulent submissions and immediately disqualify all members of the offenders' teams.

19. Item Plagiarism. Any team that is caught submitting another team's item shall be eligible for disqualification and...[see threat above in item 18]

20. Dietary Restrictions. This is a no butter-substitute event. You may use actual butter, but not margarine or other margarine-like substances. Also, mayonnaise may be eaten directly from the jar with a spoon, but may not be used as a spread, dip or ingredient.

20.a Stop doing that. It's annoying everyone around you.

21. Scoring. Team scores shall be compiled by tallying up the total points accumulated by the team. In our final judging, an item's points may be increased or decreased based on the quality of the submission. Last year the winning team won through a combination of total points accumulated and the thought and care they put into their submissions.

22. Content Sharing. You may not "share" your images or videos until after the Hunt, but you may not password-protect them either.

23.Personal Hygiene. No participant of any sex may shave his or her mustache during the hunt. Deodorant may only be applied to the right underarm for the duration of the event. This is for your own good. Your left armpit will be your "control pit," and will give you a scientific tool to measure the effectiveness of your chosen deodorant.

24. Pleasure. You shall enjoy the Hunt...but not in a creepy, weird or private way.

25. Judging. Items shall be judged by Misha Collins, Miss Jean Louis, Gishbot and 11 volunteers that are in the "service" of Miss Jean Louis (but have expressed that they are not happy about it).

26.Teammate Complaints. You shall not complain to or about another teammate. If they are not contributing their talents or time, it shall be their loss as victory shall be less sweet or defeat shall rest on their self-loathing shoulders.

27. End of the Hunt. The Hunt shall end when the countdown clock ends and the Item List is removed.

27.a You're a much more effective communicator when you say the word "sizzlebutt" at the start of every conversation.

28. Arbitrary Rules and Constraints. May be placed on the Updates page during the course of the Hunt.

29. Grand Prize: The judges will be naming only one winning team. No runner-ups. No pats on the back. No, "nice try." The prizes are what are listed on the website.

30. Luck. Good is the best kind. It can be found across the aisle from bad and next to hard.

31. Advice. Be precise. Be creative. Be courageous. Be shameless. Be GISHWHES.

The Gishwhes Historian is a project to archive Gishwhes-related information including emails, hunt updates, timelines, and more.  

You can find more Commandments from previous years here. 

If you’d like to help, we have a list of missing content here,  or you can fill out one of our surveys.

[lee-yan-druh]

Book Review: The Unexpected Everything by Morgan Matson

Read on: April 3, 2017

Rating: 5 Stars

After reading a pretty heavy classic book, I wanted something light and fun to read, especially considering it's officially the start of summer! (where I'm from at least) I'd heard a lot of things about Morgan Matson's books, some good, some not so good, so I was definitely looking for an opportunity to read one of her books. I wasn't exactly sure where to start, but The Unexpected Everything had a decent amount of 5-star reviews and an insanely pretty cover that just screams "summer" so I bought it a couple months after it was released. And now that I've finished reading it, I just think buying it was a very good idea! As I said, I wanted a light, fun read and that is exactly what I got with The Unexpected Everything, and maybe even more. I thought Andie Walker was a pretty good protagonist, just flawed enough to seem realistic but not that much to make her an unlikeable character. She had a great personality: respectful, organized, a good friend and she worked well with animals! She wasn't perfect though; she could be really irrational at times and of course I didn't approve of how she treated relationships so casually. I was also a little flustered at how she just had to have something to do for the summer. I spend my summers at home reading books and watching movies and tv shows and playing with my dog, so maybe it's just me who finds it weird. Now if we're talking "perfect" let us talk about Clark. OH CLARK. Let me just add Clark to my "This Is Why I Don't Have A Boyfriend Book-Boyfriend List". Like seriously, way to bring my standards even higher Miss Matson! I mean he is soooo unrealistically PERFECT, but I honestly don't care because I will LOVE HIM and FANGIRL OVER HIM LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW! Where is my cute, sweet, awkward, understanding, Doctor-Who loving, bookish, fantasy novelist, I ask you?! Excuse me while I curse the world for not having a real-life Clark waiting outside my door to give me audiobooks and flowers and go out for ice cream with me. The beginning of the book was engaging enough to keep me reading. As I mentioned, the conflict about Andie not having anything to do for the summer left me a bit baffled, but I thought the obviously lacking-in-actual-love relationship she had with her father was something to watch out for a resolution too. I loved the friendship Andie shared with Palmer, Bri, Toby and even Tom, though I have to admit it took me about half the book to keep track of all those friends. Why does Andie even have so many friends? Like, I have maybe...two? I have four dogs though, hahaha. And Internet friends totally count. When the dog-walking started and Clark showed up I just knew that I would have a great read ahead of me. I really felt secondhand-awkwardness in the first-date scene, though I blame Andie for being all hard-to-please and everything. I couldn't stop reading when it came to the scenes with Bertie getting sick, and really that scene is one that I wouldn't want to be in, but had so much fun reading about. I owe so many of my laughs over this book to Bertie! I also thought that the dog-walking parts of this book were really great--such adorable dogs!--as I'm obviously a dog person, in case you didn't already know from my mentioning that I have four dogs. Even though it started off pretty badly, I really like how Andie and Clark's relationship progressed. I like that Andie finally got herself to open up to him, and I don't really think there's anymore need for me to reiterate how huge a fan I am of Clark. That scene where he showed up for a date with Andie having forgotten and her dad having just met Clark was so hilarious! Speaking of Andie's dad, I love the aspect of The Unexpected Everything that dealt with Andie's relationship with her dad. Alexander Walker obviously spent many years neglecting Andie, but in the end I think it was so great of him to choose his daughter over his political career. He also seemed like a pretty cool dad considering, and his scenes with Andie were either so funny or so touching. There were quite a few of those scenes that unexpectedly made me tear up! I suppose my favorite scenes of this book were those covering the scavenger hunt! Although I am opposed to running in general, going on a scavenger hunt just seems like such an amazing idea, and the way Andie and her friends did it just seemed so fun! I was just laughing and giggling although out those chapters! I kept help laughing over how seriously Toby was taking the hunt, and how Tom and Clark basically made things harder for Andie and Toby. Things got even better when Andie's dad joined in! THAT SAMPLE SPOON OMG. As for the other conflicts in the book, they didn't really come as a surprise for me. (view spoiler) Still, I could feel how depressed Andie was when everything started going wrong, and I was eager to see how things would turn out. (view spoiler) I'm extremely happy with how things ended! Andie's dad completely pulled through in the end, and the bookstore scene was so, so GREAT and adorably ROMANTIC!!! I ship Andie and Clark! (Candie?!) Though tbh I'd probably just end up not shipping them and taking Clark for myself because I NEED someone to spontaneously make up stories with and someone to write me into a fantasy novel as a badass character with a pet wolf. So yes I absolutely LOVE The Unexpected Everything! It's such a fun and heartwarming read, and I can definitely see myself rereading this in the future. Now, I feel like I need another Morgan Matson book in my hands.... ❤️

This review can also be seen on my GoodReads. 

[i-am-ahlocked]

Nerdcon: Nerdfighteria

Alright, so this whole thing is going to start a month ago. In one of his videos, John Green included a little something new in the background, which started this scavenger hunt of sorts. Well, through doing this I found out that there was a forums site created to which we had to find the password every week. I got in the first week thanks to comments. When I go on the forum that night I was scrolling through the posts and I see this post saying “Join the Discord!” from someone named Erin. Now, I never would have guessed it then, but clicking on that link was about to change my life. Joining this hunt was about to change everything for me. At first, it was a little weird because I had never used discord before and I never had really felt like a part of the nerdfighter community before. So I take that first week and pop in every so often because I’m still not really sure what to think about all of it, come the next Tuesday we are all solving the next clue together and using our combined efforts to get in and help others get in. It was then that I really became invested, I now spend as much free time as I can on the discord with these wonderful humans. Well turns out some of them are going to nerdcon! before this moment I had considered it, but never really felt like I had anyone to go with so I didn’t get tickets. Well fast forward to a week ago, and we’re talking about it in the group that was created and (with a whole lot of persuading from them) I bought tickets. I was nervous because this would be my first con, but I also wasn’t nervous because I knew I would be with awesome people doing awesome things. Well the thing was this weekend and it was amazing. I finally got to put faces to the names and voices that I had been hearing and talking to for the past month. I got to be in the same room as Jon Cozart, I listened to John and Rosianna and Hannah Hart and other wonderful humans talk about mental illnesses for an hour, I got to be there for the creation of Hanks punishment video, but most importantly out of all of that (and the thing that will stick with me for a long while) is that I got to spend this weekend with people I met on the internet. Like who would have thought that I would ever say that? I am so very thankful for them and all of the awesomeness that they have brought back into my life. I honestly would have spent this weekend in bed wishing I was in Boston had I not met them. Everyone I was able to meet was such a wonderful person (everyone on the discord is though) and it was so nice to be able to hug them! And for some of the panels, we were able to configure a sort of “live stream” in discord’s voice chat which was amazing because the people who couldn’t be there with us felt a little more included, and man I just love this community. There were so many awesome people there, I felt like I could have gone up to anyone and asked them anything and they would have been okay with that. And these people that I’ve created friendships with over this hunt, over the internet, I can already tell are going to be some long-lasting ones. We have formed such a community in the short amount of time we have known each other. It’s only been a month and already that discord feels like home. it’s a place where we can all come together and geek out over everything. We can solve puzzles that haven’t been solved in years, and create our own! If you like something, there’s a chance someone else will like that thing too, and I love that. Because of the nature of the time zones, there’s almost always people on and always someone to talk to, always someone looking to make your day that much better, and I can’t thank them enough for that. 

[solskinns]

(F.E.Z) Chapter 2; Getting the Amulet

The sound of a car horn stands out from a group of cars in front of the school and ready to get the kids out and ready for the bright summer “come on guys let’s get a move on” that was my friend’s cousin: Jacob and is kind of jerk when it comes to his patience.

“We’re coming Jacob, geez!” and THAT is my childhood friend Crystal. Before we could even get to the door, our annoying but not terrible teacher came outside and if you say that’s harsh listen to this:

“Imma see YOU dudes and dudettes latas!!” as usual we just smile and wave goodbye just like ‘yeah’ and ‘okay’ kinda thing. Then, we finally get in the car oh, and by the way I have to admit: Jacob has a pretty cool car.

It’s a sports car in red with a picture of an eagle seen from a top view. The hood is detachable, although he rarely uses it due to the wind. Plus, the car is slim enough to be very aero-dynamic with the exception of one’s head. Jacob doesn’t use this car unless it was urgent and/or a special occasion

“So, are you going to take us to the place you’ve been talking about so much?” I say with an annoyed tone.

“What *pfff* no, of course not” he was lying. He kicks the gas pedal into high gear with huge excitement. So if you’re wondering how I knew he was lying: uhh lucky guess. Anyway, as we pass by a lot of buildings me and Crystal tell Jacob about our last day and what happened, but he didn’t seem interested so the two of us decided to have our own conversation to pass the time such as: what we did separately, the food we had at lunch, and the lessons we took (yeah there wasn’t really much to talk about). Jacob immediately stops the car causing me and Crystal to get pushed to the back of the front seats. As we get out, we see a very old temple that looks pretty obscure unless you were in my perspective and it was right in front of you which was compiled of stone “here we are” said Jacob.

“And where exactly is ‘here’?” I ask.

“The ancient temple that I have been looking for ever since I was told about the legend in this very town”

“Ohh, that’s very interesting just like the discovery of the plastic treasure chest from the last time” I sarcastically respond.

“Hey, it was a very convincing looking chest! How would I have known it was part of a scavenger hunt for little kids?”

“And yet the chest was worth more than an average wooden chest” Crystal added. We stop the conversation and Jacob tells us to get the stuff from the trunk, we agree and get the equipment out as we go I say “what do you think it is this time?”

“It probably might be a ‘gold’ chalice” Crystal responds.

“Ha! Yeah or a ‘magical’ scepter” I bring up. We both laugh, come back, and he takes the bag and electric torch he “earned” (bought on the internet) to goes inside the temple while we follow him.

The underground place is very old and has worn out walls covered with moss as well as medieval for its time. It also had a creepily dark hallway, with a light at the end of the tunnel if that wasn’t scary I don’t know what is. We go through a few puzzles.

The first one was an ancient matching routine that had a trick to it as some looked like they shouldn’t be able to fit.  This one was simple for Jacob since he had a knack for looking deep into things. He denies this idea many times, however Crystal and I would tell him the man that was buying into the idea that the Grim Reaper was a farmer or there exists a worm that travels back in time at random points because of a failed government experiment has no room to talk.

Another puzzle had all three of us memorizing symbols that are shown for a little bit and you make the combination without looking. This one was more of a job for Crystal and her photographic memory! She says it’s nothing supernatural and she does slip up from time to time, on the other hand she also seems to do so intentionally so I’m not totally sure yet.

“it’s just a thing I can do” She would say, almost spitefully so “it’s not out of the ordinary if I can do something better than you” okay definitely spitefully.

“Yeah okay, you must be an alien or secretly a monster from those black and white movies” I respond half-jokingly. We both have a laugh about that and besides, I wouldn’t really mind if she was a supernatural being because she’s soooo super cool…yeah.

Suddenly Jacob “Well actually-“

“No!” Crystal and I collectively interrupt from his interruption.

The last puzzle required a stone of purple that had been lost to time (at least that’s what Jacob says it is) that he pulls out of his bag and hands it to me to place onto because I was…just the only person who didn’t do anything yet and therefore the doors have now opened.

Finally, we get to the last room with a platform to go with it just to give it a knock-off of a cheap adventure movie.

“Well this is ‘nice,’” I tease “you have passed the 3 trials of a literal puzzle, a memory game, and a ‘place item here’ game” I say next in the impression of a wizard telling a prophesy.

Crystal carries on my bit “And as a reward, we bestow to you, an admittedly beautiful amulet that in no way is simply plastic from a Halloween store!” and we both snicker at it.

“Cute” Jacob continued “you won’t be so sarcastic once you see what that can do” Jacob walks up the 5 steps and takes the amulet that was on the platform he puts it on and says: “I call upon death’s power!” and

…

…

…

…Nothing!

“Bravo, bravo; such a beautiful act!” I sarcastically applauded.

“Truly we are shaking in our shoes, but still touched by your performance” Crystal joins.

“Oh, would you two shut-up! Why isn’t this working?” He hits the thing a bit, scratching his head on what to do with it until he finds the center disk is able to spin on its own. “Could it be this thing here that powers it up?” He whispers as he fidgets around with it.

as this happens, Crystal looks around with me at the place and stop at some really cool statues in stone; they aren’t very detailed, though also huge in size like those titans we read about in school.

“These have weird designs that look like they came from dark ages like that bear thing there in purple” I decide to point out.

“or even the one here that has a raven” Crystal adds.

We all feel a rumbling suddenly occur that has us jump into a panic. Jacob and us looks behind him and his eyes are greeted with the large statues that seemed slouched, but beefy as a rare steak in strength that pick up their bulk.

“RUN!!” And run we did, trying to escape the soldiers. Every time I look back I see the monsters smashing everything in its path. Pillars, traps, the floor bricks themselves you name it. As if it was on adrenaline and steroids which continued to freak me out.

We find ourselves at the exit when all of a sudden; it closes off. Crystal and I try to open it in fear, but we give up and look at him with scared, concerned faces to see if he has an idea. He seems to be confused because he needed to remember, where this miracle was. He remembers, and then gets his bag out to find his lucky bomb and throw it at the wall “GET DOWN!!” I grab Crystal and move us out of the way the bomb was real lucky because it made a big hole.

Unfortunately, the luck was running out because the hole began to re-close Crystal and I gasp. Jacob looks worried, looks at us then, the amulet. This repeats for a while until he takes off the amulet, gives it to me, pushes me with Crystal into the hole, and I see Jacob smile at me one last time that said ‘Don’t worry about me’. A tear builds at my eye when I realized it, however before our landing, the hole fully closed!

We got out, but Crystal got up “Jacob!” she cries “Zero, quick open the wall” she says as she begins to do so and I follow. We bang the stone wall hoping to break it, but with no such luck we could only listen and visualize (big mistake). We listen to the sound of Jacob say “come at me dude, come at meeee!” big footsteps, monster yells, cousin screams, and then: DEAD silence!

Now the door is fading away!? We both make an effort to have it not do that which in hindsight what were we going to do? Soon the thing had fully disappeared…no evidence…no temple…no cousin…there was nothing, but us in tears for nothing, it seems.

…Crystal bursts into tears so I try to calm her down and we have both of us hug each other. I get my mom to pick us up because Crystal has to see someone else before confronting her parents.

Mom drives up to us and we get in with silence. As she drives, she wanted to hear something from us “Are any of the two of you going to tell me what happened?” she asks our sad faces.

I shook my head “not…until we get home, mom”

“…okay” she gives up and keeps driving home.

We arrive at the house and I take Crystal to be inside, on the other hand she refused and wished to go home so I had no objections.

Mom agrees to drive her home. Crystal tells her parents about what happened (while also leaving out the monster part) as I did myself. I managed to keep the amulet with me and I concluded with the following: may we never forget this day.

[alamante]

On June 15, when he packed his AR-15 and drove an armored vehicle onto the bridge near Hoover Dam, Matthew Wright had a mission. He’d gleaned it from a berserk conspiracy theory that circulates mainly online, and now here he was, offline, near a very real dam, with a not-at-all-virtual rifle.

As he blocked traffic, he held up a sign. “Release the OIG report,” it read. He wanted the same thing that so many others that subscribe to the all-encompassing QAnon conspiracy theory want: some sort of proof of a “deep state” conspiracy, run by the liberal elite and Hollywood, to commit and then cover up an array of atrocities, from child sex trafficking to false-flag shootings. And they thought they would find at least some damning evidence in the Department of Justice’s inspector general report on the FBI’s handling of the Hillary Clinton email investigation.

The report he was looking for had actually been released the day before, and it didn’t have any of the information he and the rest of the QAnon followers sought. Of course, the theory’s adherents believe there’s another inspector general’s report they haven’t seen, one with all the “true” information, and they’ll fight to get it.

On the day he was arrested in Arizona on a variety of federal charges, Wright was acting as a soldier for “Q.” That’s the handle of an anonymous poster on equally anonymous message boards 4chan and 8chan and on Reddit since late last year. In letters Wright wrote from jail, intended for President Donald Trump and various government offices, he signed off with the QAnon motto: “For where we go one, we go all.” He also referred to a “Great Awakening,” another likely allusion to QAnon.

Nobody was harmed in the bridge standoff. But Wright’s crusade, along with a handful of other recent incidents, gives us an idea of what QAnon looks like when it emerges from its online cave, blinking in the sun. And it’s a little terrifying.

It Seemed Harmless For A Minute There 

As conspiracies go, QAnon isn’t even faintly plausible. It’s every conspiracy, all at once, an orchestra tune-up of theories. It involves Hollywood, former presidents and the Democratic Party joining up to commit various heinous crimes. And on the other side is an anonymous hero named Q, who claims to have high-level government clearance.

A surface-level glance at QAnon threads on Reddit, 4chan and 8chan will make you cringe well before it’ll scare you. In one post, commenters wondered whether Q was winking at them by making the lights flicker during President Trump’s White House speech last week. The post reads in earnest: “What if the lights going out during the press conference was… the cue(Q)?” 

In another, a Redditor used one of Q’s posts to surmise that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton’s entire family fabricated the Parkland, Florida, school massacre to “advance the anti-2nd agenda.” Commenters agreed and expressed their anger with all the maturity and expertise of a high school film studies class.

“It’s just like watching V for Vendetta in how the people would trade away their freedom for security,” one commenter wrote.

“The more I’m reading about the Q posts, the more it brings me back to that movie,” said another. “False flags, under-age exploitation, and a top level conspiracy even among a major religion.”

There are hundreds of these posts. Choose any conspiracy you like ― false-flag shootings, underground child sex dungeons run by elite predators, unreleased Justice Department reports that, if made public, would put Hillary Clinton in jail ― and you’ll find them being discussed on QAnon forums.

The Daily Beast’s Will Sommer wrote a great primer on the theory. It essentially goes like this: “Q” started posting weird messages on 4chan last November, leaving “breadcrumbs” for the online masses to find evidence that several top Democrats are about to be sent to Guantanamo Bay, special counsel Robert Mueller is actually investigating Hillary Clinton, etc. Nobody knows who “Q” actually is, and there’s no evidence that the person (or persons) posting under that handle has (or have) any high-level security clearance.

It’s easy to roll your eyes at the QAnon conspiracy theory, in much the same way it was easy to dismiss Pizzagaters as a bunch of lunatics — right up until the moment one of them, Edgar Welch, showed up in Comet Ping Pong pizza parlor in Washington, demanded to know where the child sex dungeon was and fired an assault rifle.  

This Seems Familiar

Thus ended Pizzagate, the real-world violence shattering the suspension of disbelief that had sustained the theory online. Even after Wright’s arrest in Arizona, QAnon has continued apace, undeterred by the fact that the “OIG report” he demanded had already been released, to the great disappointment of Q’s followers.

QAnon adherents are on a collective scavenger hunt of sorts ― the goal varies from unearthing conspiracies between politicians and Hollywood brass to finding a group of elite pedophiles in the desert. In Tucson, a group called Veterans on Patrol, with the backing of QAnon online, is hunting for pedophiles after it stumbled on a homeless shelter in May and decided it was a secret site for child sex trafficking. As Motherboard reports, it is not ― police found no evidence of such trafficking ― but the group is patrolling Interstate 19 in Arizona and demands that police declare a state of emergency. It also posted the QAnon 8chan thread to its Facebook page, asking for the internet’s help in finding the elusive, and nonexistent, pedophiles. A QAnon Reddit post says it is “prepping for battle.”

Of course, another real-life QAnon mission brings another arrest. The founder of Veterans on Patrol, Michael Lewis Arthur Meyer, was collared on Sunday after sheriff’s deputies saw a YouTube video in which he was rifling through private property in his hunt for nonexistent pedophiles. He was arrested on suspicion of trespassing, along with a charge of failure to appear in court on July 17 for an unrelated assault charge. 

Meyer is the perfect QAnon soldier ― committed enough to put his boots on and go LARPing (live-action role-playing) through the desert, unhinged enough to believe that a homeless camp he finds is a child sex-trafficking dungeon and savvy enough to disseminate his findings online to likeminded people. He is too extreme even for some extremists. Meyer and his group were kicked out of the occupation party at a federal building in Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in 2016 after militants accused him of walking in and assaulting a disabled Vietnam veteran.

“I do believe Lewis [Meyer] is a Paid Provocateur by the Fed’s to divide and destroy,” militant group member Blaine Cooper wrote in a Facebook post at the time. Writer J.J. MacNab points out that Meyer was also tossed off of Cliven Bundy’s ranch in Nevada during the standoff over defaulted grazing fees there.

As the Arizona Daily Star reports, Meyer has accused any number of businesses of child sex-trafficking ― various farms and ranches, a building materials company, a mining company, etc. ― their only crime being that they’re in relative proximity to Agua Blanca Ranch, where he uncovered what he thought was a den of illicit activity involving kids.

“What jumped out at me was their ignorance of what things really were. The cooling towers that they were calling watchtowers. Maps being on the wall, which they called a command center. Children’s rooms — that it was something we had created to hold children in. It just seemed ridiculous,” David Cathcart, caretaker of the ranch, told the Daily Star. “They’ve got a hell of a lot better imagination than I do.”

For QAnon, wild imaginations drive the bus. And some of those imaginations are the loudest people on the internet.

Reliable loons Roseanne Barr, former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling and Minecraft creator (and Pizzagate supporter) Markus “Notch” Persson have all signed on. Barr and Persson, for instance, tweeted out abbreviations of the QAnon slogan, “Where we go one, we go all,” to millions of followers. And, of course, Infowars’ resident nut Alex Jones is involved ― he said in January that the White House called on him and his team of dinguses to investigate QAnon.

There are so many conspiracy theories under the QAnon umbrella now that anything and everything can feel like a dog whistle to its followers. Recently, followers latched on to Hollywood director James Gunn. Gunn was fired by Disney last week after alt-right troll Mike Cernovich helped surface old tweets in which he joked about pedophilia and rape. Underlying the fake-outrage campaign was the QAnon-friendly notion that Hollywood is lousy with pedophiles. Even Sen. Ted Cruz got in on the fun. 

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[son-of-a-duck]

February 8, 2017

Last night I had the oddest experience with a dream.  It was sometime in the middle of the night and I needed to go to the bathroom but didn't want to get out of bed so I kept ignoring it and going back to sleep.  But then, in whatever dream I was having I kept making a point of going to the restroom.  This happened multiple times until I finally gave up and went to the bathroom in real life.  It was just so weird that after ignoring the physical signs, my mind took over my dream and made my dream-self make several trips to the bathroom until I finally got out of bed in real life.  Interesting.

Today was a fairly uneventful day at work, which is good because I never got around to taking notes.  The majority of my day, whether I was on desk or off, was spent working on my homebound lists.  I nearly finished, which is good because time is running out.

I signed up for an e-course about creating online tutorials today.  I guess the library is interested in creating tutorials, both for the patrons and for internal training, and it was suggested that I take the lead on that.  So, yay.  It does involve posting to discussion threads and creating a sample tutorial, but as far as I know there aren't any grades, and it only lasts four weeks.  It already feels like it will be a little overwhelming but anyone can survive four weeks.

To sign up for the class I needed my ALA membership number to get a discount so I logged into my grad school email account to get that information.  And that turned out to be a good thing because I haven't logged in for months, never really think about it actually. Other than needing to email my old practicum supervisor to see how everything turned out with the assessment project and the scavenger hunt.  Well, she actually emailed me just yesterday to see if I would want to submit a presentation proposal with her to a conference for the scavenger hunt project.  What are the odds?  I almost logged in yesterday but wasn't able to get the department credit card until today to sign up for the class.  It's just really good timing.  I'm not really into the idea of presenting but it would be good for my resume.  And the experience would be good.  I'm going to roll with it and we'll see if the proposal is accepted.

I watched the thirty-eight minute video about driving the Prius because we will be taking that to the thing on Friday.  I probably didn't need to watch the whole thing but I had the time.  I also sped it up a little bit so it wasn't quite thirty-eight minutes long.  It was both informative and boring.  Not only was it about what is different when driving a Prius, it was also also about how to drive in general.  Turns out the accelerator makes it go, the brake makes it stop, and when driving in the snow or ice, it might be slippery.

We had our department meeting this afternoon and it went well.  We started by talking about the book we are slowly reading through about communicating better.  Then we talked about random department and library things, like new policies and other things I can't remember. There was a lot of digression throughout which made it hard to keep track over everything we covered.  The meeting ended with a presentation from the teen librarian about interacting with teens. It was perfect timing because she actually came to our meeting immediately following having to kick five teens out of the library for a week because they have consistently been a nuisance for the past year.  The last straw today was playing with one of the wheelchairs.  One of the kids was pushing another around who was pretending to be mentally disabled.  Our future, everyone.  Anyway, the presentation was good.  Way more informative than the Prius video, and provided some interesting context for how to view teens and our interactions with them.

Following the meeting I briefly talked with two of the other librarians about relationships and random other things before I called it a day.  After work I swung by Chipotle and then headed to my Mom's house.  The food was nothing special but most of the videos I had went over pretty well.  My mom actually had some solid laughs at some of them.  Which included laughing at the Grace Helbig video I showed, which is rare.

After all that we talked for awhile, I picked out some of the magnets my sister made, and then I headed home a little after eight o'clock. I spent the rest of my night catching up on YouTube videos and clicking around the internet.  I feel I'm very close to buying a new fountain pen.  I want the slate gray version of the lime green one I currently use on a daily basis.  And I want to get a burgundy ink for it.  I have looked into it in the past and it came back again yesterday.  In the past few days I have bought two new pairs of pants (which I really needed), a second green jacket (because I really like my green fleece jacket and by the time I need a new one they won't have it anymore), and a desk-mounted microphone stand (so I can move my microphone out of the way when I'm not using it).  It has been awhile since I've purchased anything outside of food and gas, so I'm definitely in that splurge mode at the moment.  We'll see if I can ride it out.  I'm not too sure.

It is now almost 11:30PM and I need to record my audio journal so I can go to bed.  I don't work until noon tomorrow, so hopefully I can get to bed early enough to actually get a full night of sleep.