I think Hawks has a skewed idea of what abuse is and how it generally should affect those in power. As someone who was abused himself, not only by his own parents but further by the Hero Commission, you'd think he would know that what Endeavor did to his family is bad. And I see a lot of people like "He just looks up to Endeavor, he knows Endeavor is trying to change"—
But I don't think Hawks does know that.
Endeavor hasn't specifically said anything like that to him, and Dabi and Shoto also sure as hell aren't singing his praises, so I have to wonder if Hawks just... doesn't register what Endeavor has done as abuse. As something bad. Hawks knows that other people are angry about it, that other people see it as something bad—but I don't think he views it that way himself.
This comes back to the fact that Hawks himself is abused. Granted, he doesn't act like it. The differences eclipse the similarities between Hawks and someone like Dabi, because from what we've seen, Hawks seems to harbor absolutely NO bitterness towards his family or the HPSC at all. Which is fucking weird.
The Hero Commission bought a child from his family, trained him vigorously from a young age, and monitor what he says and does closely. Hawks even says in S5E3, "That's mean, making it sound like a choice when we all know it's not". They took Hawks' desire to be a hero and turned it into a chore. And though Hawks has expressed a desire to slow down and take things at his own pace, he also doesn't seem willing to go as far as one would think for it.
He doesn't see the Commission as something to revamp or take down, and whether this is because Hawks is content to use them for his own goal or because he's just painfully optimistic like Midoriya is remains to be seen.
For some reason, Hawks is not being written as a victim OR a mindless soldier, even though Horokoshi has canonically dropped hints that the Commission turned Hawks into a child soldier. He didn't even go to school and yet he doesn't have any will to go against the Commission. He doesn't think for himself. He recognizes the people around him and their need for help, but doesn't seem to realize he needs help.
I wonder if that will be a plot point in the coming arc. I wonder if it will come up when he and Dabi are pitted against one another again on the same battlefield as Endeavor.
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Eurovision 2023 PRESHOW - part 1: the BAD entries
Okay, so here we go.
37 Countries, and sadly not as much time as I would like to cover all of them.
Thus, 37 rambly write ups in which i loquaciously air my gripes and grievances about the upcoming famewhores / artists competing at the 2023 Eurovision Song Contest.
There will be no holds barred and no prisoners taken. This year is trashy, some of it shit, but a lot of it is more fun than last year’s Rulll Musique!! 🙂
In this post we’ll deal with the BAD ENTRIES so we get them out of the way and you know who to hold in contempt for the next two months.
Without further ado, in last place we have:
37. GREECE
Victor Vernicos - “What they say”
Semifinal 2, slot #08
There’s quite a bit of subparness in this mix, but nothing is quite as tragic as this miscarriage of a song. It’s already bad enough that you have to rig an internal selection. It’s embarrassing to rig it for this absolute garbage. Was the scandi money worth the price of your top 10 streak, ERT? Was it really?!
Okay, so first and foremost “What they say” has some of the worst chord progression at this contest. Overproduced, obnoxious, cloying and abrasive, all at the same time. Its general cadence is that of an American driving in shift-stick gear. Why does it constantly interrupt itself? Is this supposed to create dramatic pauses where we can figure out what words he’s supposed to have said?
Secondly, the fucking CURSED singing. I don’t care how good of a vocal talent you are, but if you twist your words like marble-mouthed goober into intelligibility such as “assholes make joy no one loses their whey” you’ve fucked up. WHY do the indie zoomer cunts insist on engaging in this tomfoolery? Do they think it gives them a personality and makes them relevant?
Thirdly,
“Cuz u no wud dey seh?
” THEY SAY, *WHAT*?!
The message. The older I get, the fewer fucks I am willing to spare yet another mewling milktoother whining about “how fucked up the world is, it’s too late for me”. Yet, here we are, “a lost soul” (sorry, “asshole”) and “hurt one” (sorry, “huyt wun”) who solemny declares for nobody but himself his precious little feelings are hurt and thus his life is over.
:inhales:
YOU ARE SIXTEEN!!! 😤😤😤😤
HOW CAN YOU SAY YOUR LIFE IS OVER, YOU’RE FUCKING SIXTEEN!!!!
this is like when Sebastian Rejman and Elliot Vassamillet implied that they would ACTUALLY HAVE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS about how bad a place the world is, when in reality they’re so fucking white upper middle class their privilege ALONE enabled them to bore us with soapbox preaching. Even if we don’t assume this isn’t some self-aggrandising hyperbole - having a cause to live and die for is great mate, but if you’re really going down that rabbit hole of “it being too late” at that point in your life, take a step back, get some professional counselling and don’t go to Eurovision, where you get shredded apart by fat frumpy arseholes like me!
Odds at Eurovision - Greece
I’m inclined to say this gets through, because it IS Greece and good lord Denmark is also voting for this, aren’t they? Like unironically even WITHOUT taking the fact that he’s half a Dane (X___X) into account.
And yet... I will point out that when Argo and Yianna NQ’d, Greece were performing in the same semifinal as Cyprus. 🙂
Besides, “What they say” is so ROTTED that I could absolutely see it receive votes from just Cyprus and Denmark and then nothing from any other country, dooming it to NQ purgaory. I would feel more confident if (1) we knew how Victor’s live performance skills are (given that he has no experience, i’m willing to guess they’re not very good) (2) Cyprus were actually much, much better than Greece, so they could deliver the killing blow by hoovering up the Hellene vote. Sadly, Cyprus picked Andrew Lambrou. (more on *that* soon.)
if Victor does go through, I think he’s a serious contender for last place in the finale. 🙂
Qualifier Tier: C
Predicted placement: 8-14th (semi), 20-26th (Grand Final)
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36. ISRAEL
Noa Kirel - “Unicorn”
Semi 1, slot #10
Remember when Starbucks pioneered Unicorn Lattes, which were the saccharine multicolour abominations the zoomers pretended to like because they were in vogue? That’s the first thing I think about whenever Noa Kirel springs to mind. 🙂
The Fandom’s tastes have reached a new low if ANY woman with ANY even remotely uptempo song can be deemed “a slay” because of her gender, privilege and money.
Like seriously. Europe selects a few straight male acts (none of which are honestly *bad*) in a row and the fan bubble IMMEDIATELY -out of what I assume has to be a combination of Stockholm Syndrome and latent misandry- imprint onto the first woman they see and crown her a queen without second thoughts.
Like yeah, sure Unicorn is phenomen-phemonen phenominally bad. Like on several levels? Unicorn is actually not offensive because it’s pandering and annoying (although it is very much is both of those things), but because it’s so fucking BORING and it has no excuse to be that way.
Unicorn is a wash of different styles, none of which go together btw, all of which tap into the lowest and commonest of denominators. Its scuffed parts are equally far away from “slay”. The worst offender is the dance break at the end that does NOT suit the rest of the song, drawn inspiration from Efendi’s MATA HARI (honestly how doesn’t Israel just crawl under a rock in SHAME after doing that).
BUT THE POWER OF A YOO-KNEE-CAWN!!! whatever the fuck that means.
What also gets to me is that, despite the superficial shittiness of the catchphrases and buzzwords and fucking STUPID hand gestures, Israel also seem to not only expect the fandom to support them, but act like they’re entitled to it.
What you are entitled to Israel, is a big fat:
If there’s one act this year that has ZERO rights to be arrogant, it’s this one.
ODDS AT EUROVISION - ISRAEL
I’m going to be very brief here: this is bottom five in the grand final. We all know, deep down that Unicorn will fail to impress and everyone will simultaneously come to the conclusion that it’s really fucking shit, and it’ll strand itself in an obsequious 23rd place. End of story. Not wasting any more time on that.
It will qualify though. In a semi with more songs, and also more competitive songs in general, it would struggle to stand out and be on the cusp of qualification. This year though... Israel only need to beat five others, and three of those include Ireland, Azerbaijan and Netherlands, so... it’s through. Someone else will be that semi’s shock NQ.
Qualifier tier: B-
Predicted Placement: 8th-10th (semi), 21st-25th (Grand Final)
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35. CROATIA
Let 3 - “Mama ŠČ!”
Semifinal 1, slot #07
Imagine being subjected to that and having zero reaction to that whatsoever. If you can imagine that, welcome to my world! 😑
Yeah so, I can sort of respect the logic behind choosing Let 3 - Dora reached an all-time low with no real options (Harmonia Dissonance fully lived up to their name 😔) and Let 3 are a well-known and very well-established Shock Value Novelty Band, so might as well go for it!
The problem is that they’re fucking shit! 🙂
Like, “Mama ŠČ!” is the sort of nihilistic novelty nonsense i’d expect a Montenegro or San Marino to go for and, I’m not sure if you’ve noticed over the years, but I generally don’t care about the tomfoolery those countries send? I’d rather have something vapid that is pleasant to listen to, than something humourous but barely listenable.
Also, the humour. I understand some people find Let 3 funny. I don’t. At all. I think the problem is largely that “Mama ŠČ!” tries to go for Shock Value, but I find none of it particularly shocking? Dressing up a pasty white man as Lenin throwing missiles while yelling CROCODILE PSYCHOPATH isn’t particularly witty and -given the *actual missile throwing* going on in ukraine right now- kinda poor in taste?
I dunno. As you can tell, I respect Croatia MORE than Israel and Greece, because their entry isn’t just a safe attempt at qualification that will cruise to a bottom ten finish. It actually has a clear concept and identity! Sadly that doesn’t take away that it’s actually just kinda crap really. 😐
ODDS AT EUROVISION - CROATIA
This is the first of many entries in this year with an absurdly wide range in terms of where it can finish at the scoreboard.
So first off, there IS a chance the humor just doesn’t land and it NQ’s anyway. Given that the field in the first semi is what it is, I’m tempted to say that, like Israel, Croatia are through by default and perhaps more securely.
However unlike Israel, I could see this getting a good chunk of televotes, and I’m not sure whether I like this? Let 3 unironically remind me of two other godawful novelty entries (So Lucky and We Are The Winners) and I despise the idea of Croatia getting similar traction in a televote. This year generally has a lot of fun trash on offer, and it can do much better than this.
Still, I do think there’s a certain *appeal* for this, in the same sense there was a market for Ikke fucking Hüftgold. It could be a shock top 10! it could also just be ignored by everyone for being shit and annoying and get last in the finale. 🤷♀️
Qualifier tier: B
Projected placement: 5th-12th (Semi), 13th-20th (Grand Final)
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34. SWITZERLAND
Remo Forrer - “Watergun”
Semi 1, slot #08
I present to you: exhibit #1 to why i’m pleased juries are banned from the semi’s. 🙂 and of course the proof comes courtesy of Shitzerland.
So let’s get the USP out of the way first: Remo is a twink with a baritone’s voice aren’t you AMAZED?! Not really? Like he’s got a good voice but that’s not what I watch Eurovision for. I don’t admire people just because they’re competent at the things they’re supposed to be good at in the first place. (Well I don’t admire other people in general, period.) Sadly, Remo’s vocal chops are the only positive thing about “Watergun”!
To be fair I’m -at this stage at least- more bored than i’m annoyed, but the more I think about it, the more i realize that ‘Watergun” is rancid and deserves to be placed amongst the other bad entries. It really just is an uninspired, empty, bland-as-béchamel Voice Lauriate’s First Power Ballad Single, and honestly does anyone care about these? Nobody had a care when Will Church and Atle Pettersen sang their boring songs in a competent, powerful voice, and likewise nobody cares about Remo :-)
You will also notice that I’m not even addressing the, ah, very interesting choice of going with those lyrics and that message, at this point in time. I’m not going to indulge in that... yet. Such is the price of being EVIL on purpose. 🙂
Odds at Eurovision - SWITZERLAND
I REALLY want to believe in twink death, but good grief, look at semi 1. There are only five NQs, and more than five unvotable songs in it.
Rationally, Switzerland are less secure than most because -again- the televote did NOT turn up for Will Church or Atle Pettersen, but i’m not feeling as confident as I’d like. There are other countries in that semi which are equally hopeless or potentially even more of a televote repellent, so I guess by *default* Shitz could sneak in in like... 9th-10th?
As far as who would pick up their phone and vote for this, I honestly don’t have a clue. Cat ladies? Old Farts? Guillible fools? Idk. Certainly nobody with a will to live their best life.
Like Victor, Remo is also an unironic contender for a bottom placement in the finale. Unlike Greece though, the path Remo will follow towards the bottom will involve him receiving several smaller jury votes, with another 0 from the televote as the coup de grâce.
Qualifier tier: C
Projected Placement: 9th-14th (Semi), 19th-26th (Grand Final)
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NEXT UP: The mediocrities that I sorta pity and hold in contempt, but don’t have a particular dislike for. 🙂
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Eurovision 2023 #37-35
That AWKWARD moment you plan on ranking this year’s Big Evil last, and then rewatch everyone and realize some of these NQs were so PUTRID you can’t in clear conscience rank them ahead of anyone else. Enjoy three acts so irredeemable I have to rank them below Noa!
Decade rankings: 112, 111 & 110 / 116
[Above: Brividi, Below Noa Kirel]
29 Dec Update: Now ABOVE Noa, and below Nadir
37. 36. GREECE
Victor Vernicos - “What they say”
30th place
I enjoy being right. 🙂 Sorry, but 14 points in a TELEVOTE, (12 of which from Cyprus) in a semi that has the utterly unvoteable Romania and San Marino in it? Greece was and IS the worst in this year. Sitting through it was like watching a stream of meconium ooze from a baby’s anus.
Sure, one could argue that "What they say” was redeemable as like... a laughable trainwreck, and yeah, it could have been on paper. I have to draw a line somewhere, and “somewhere” is where a delegation sends a minor to the contest, SEES the footage of him utterly flunking the live and then does nothing, allowing him to humiliate himself in front of millions of people. Shitty broadcasters to the fucking bottom of the ranking!
But even besides that, the song is just a wretched Ed Sheeran pretend ballad, like someone took a cleaver to “Castle on the hill” and hacked out all the mildly enjoyable mellow parts and replaced them with a stop-motion-like cadence, cursive singing and Sad Boy Emoness. Victor sings that he hates his feelings and my feelings are that I hate everything about his song.
Like, I can’t be the only person so UTTERLY SICK of these misguided self-aggrandising songs that actively try to use real-life mental health issues to provide unsoliicited social commentary for their own personal gain? Be it in a competition or to make oneself appear ~morally righteous~. Enough with the devious white-washing of actual mental health issues.
At least that is what I’m forced take away from this shitty song because these lyrics don’t make any fucking sense: Victor sings that “Lost Souls” make sure no one loses their way and “Hurt ones” can’t stand seeing others in pain, and also that he’s both (?) and that he’s got too much on his plate, wanting to save the others (?????) and that it’s TOO LATE FOR HIM (??????) Someone heard this and wasn’t instantly alarmed by how dark this is? WTF?! SICC A PSYCH ON HIS ASS, ASAP!
But of course, any potential complexity is instantly undermined by the visuals.
Youngster Victor wants to battle, and his team is one lvl 7 Caterpie.
Add in a few selfie backdrops, some happy skipping (again: this song has a messed-up and depressing message) and perhaps most offensive of all: GREEK LETTERS SPLICED INTO ENGLISH WORDS:
And you are left with an entry that makes me feel ALEXEEV levels of shame. Like yeah it’s all mercenary and insincere and vile but doesn’t change the fact that that Greece sent a sixteen year old with a song about SUICIDAL THOUGHTS to Eurovision and made it... that. BE SAFE, YOUNG VICTOR!!! Preferably as far away from a guitar as possible.😬
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36. 35. SAN MARINO
Piqued Jacks - “Like an animal”
Joint LAST
THEY KNOW THE WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
... to zero points...x
Congratulations Piqued Jacks, you are NOT last in this ranking. 🙄 Count your lucky fucking stars.
Talk about an entry that fully earned their nil points in the televote. Piqued Jacks accompanied their accidentally predatorial song with black and red lights. Black and red lights are of course the axe murderer colours which they used to complement the date rape lyrics and serial killer faces. 🙃
Seriously, for real:
Hide your sisters and daughters from this creep and his eerie obsession with “snake eyes” and “biting tongues” and “butterflies in his ears”. I would be less bad if “E-King” (you’re a grown man, consider a name change) wasn’t this off-puttingly smug or didn’t have a voice like newborn goat choking on its colostrum. “Like an animal” is three minutes of extreme discomfort. The absolute opposite of a “Slay”.
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35. 34. ROMANIA
Theodor Andrei - “D.G.T.”
Joint LAST.
Sigh, this one just makes me feel sad. As you know I was a Theodor apologist before and honestly, I still kinda like him as a person?
DGT was a shambles though. Theodor was always due to create some discomfort, given that he has never not looked like a Project Runway second boot called Susan and DGT’s lyrics involve *this specific person* talking graphically about being carressed by his girlfriend’s fingers and wanting to rip her clothes off. So yeah a hard sell, but not impossible!!
However, the live was a bare step above San Marino in terms of second-hand embarrassment. An weird musical bisection, an amateur hour act swallowed by the LEDs and utter SILENCE from the audience which thundered over the off-pitch wailing condemned Romania to nill pointer hell.
The acoustic start, WHY?
The CSI floordrops, WHY?
The selfie backdrops, WHY?
The black paint on the naked torso, WHY?
the shrill falsetto WHYYYYYY?!
And just like how the San Marinese cringe is present but in a lesser form, so is Greece’s shitty broadcaster behaviour. After forcing Theodor to transmogrify his opening minute into an unplugged acoustic version (a decision that completely ruined the song), TVR just called it a day, and happily sent Theodor to his doom with no real regrets. WTF?!
Basically, these three nil point flops (yeah totally counting Greece as one, deal!) are all tied for last place, but I had to pick an order. Greece are the most awful for exploiting a minor. San Marino deliberately chose someone with a very annoying voice and face, so they’re second last. Theodor meanwhile, is actually kinda talented and was mostly the victim of TVR’s lack of involvement, to which I say: If your participations in Eurovision amount to throwing an eighteen year old to the vultures because you’re too bothered to actually support him through the ordeal, Romania, then don’t bother with ESC and just fucking QUIT!!!
THE RANKING
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