#whatever. i have the tools to get myself out of this. probably. i'm gonna fucking try

[forcebookish]

now these three years were funny and all but can i have my late twenties back

[whorbidmore]

okay, so, I've fallen victim to the leon kennedy brainrot steadily overtaking me, following me from Tumblr to Pinterest, to Instagram and even the absolutely fucking dreaded application of TikTok. I don't even use it that often??? and the algorithm is just like 'wow, yeah, this little fuckers gay as hell send in the 40 year old meow meow!!' and having watched Death Island fairly recently, I'm gonna have my opinions on what this dude would be like. Cus my brain loves to rationalize shit and think ab 'what if this mf was someone real?' so... fuck it.

Leon Soft Kennedy Headcanons

SFW

accidentally bigoted. - im sorry but let's be so fucking real here. he's a 40 something year old man who spent the majority of his life in either the military, a police training academy in the 90's, or otherwise working under the U.S Federal System with minimal/no time between missions to unpack absolutely everything he's got going on... the guys gonna have some problematic tendencies. Obviously that doesn't mean he means any of that or is incapable of change, etc. etc., but I know for damn certain this dude would laugh a little at Bill Burr's borderline to blatantly misogynistic material and has probably chuckled unironically at the attack helicopter jokes. But, he's not a complete dick, and would definitely become more critical of those kinds of jokes if it's pointed out to him.

honest to God, Dad Without Kids™ - it's not simply enough for me to leave it at 'but it's the vibes!!' so, I'm gonna break this shit down. Leon is absolutely Gen X incarnate. I can fucking guarantee you that on his off days he accidentally ends up dressing as an undercover cop; I'm talking cargo shorts, light blue button up, those fucking standard issue boots cus "they're perfectly good shoes" and those stupid ass sunglasses... you know the ones I'm talking about. Let's say you're living with him, right? And you're... you, and you wanna watch something on TV. This dude would strain himself getting up like a turtle fallen backwards on its shell, stand up, walk right in front of the TV screen and stand there with his hands on his hips. It doesn't matter that he had to piss, he needs to get a better look of what's happening! Does those really loud, obnoxious coughs and sneezes, absolutely blows his back out doing one at least five times a year.

Only watches British Reality TV - Considering he's canonically a film buff, I'll say that this is purely for whatever he gravitates towards on general streaming services. I honestly don't see him being the type to regularly tune in to standard American cable TV, or only does so under specific circumstances like American Ninja Warrior or maybe Forged in Fire if there's absolutely nothing else. It's not something that's exclusive to Americans, — I'm from New Zealand and I do this too, — but Leon absolutely falls into the category of watching British Reality and Game shows purely because of the accents. I'm talking Jeremy Kyle, The Big Fat Quiz of Everything, Taskmaster, The Great British Bake Off and so on and so forth. It doesn't matter that baking isn't his forté or a passion of his, if Josephine curdles her buttercream by over mixing, his hands are in his hair in utter disappointment. 100% tries to mimic their accents too. We all do it, don't lie.

Has... very dated music tastes - I don't know if you could guess, but the last paragraph included me calling myself out and name dropping some shows I watch anyway or grew up watching, and I'm just saying that this is gonna be no different. If anything? This'll be worse! Since I'm very passionate about the music I listen to and have the inability to keep my interests separated from the other, of course my love of particular bands will bleed over into my interpretation of Leon's character! Anyway, all that for me to say that Leon fucking LOVES 90's grunge musicians, specifically Pearl Jam and Soundgarden, as well as early nu metal bands like Korn (their dubstep phase did not happen.), TOOL, and Rage Against the Machine — and no, he unfortunately doesn't see the irony of him being a fed and listening to Rage, — but would also have a soft spot for psych rock, post-punk and shoegaze. My man's definitely laid awake at night, sobbing without expression as he struggles to accept that Ada never really wanted him like he wanted her while listening to fucking Slowdive. My hottest take here is that he doesn't really listen to Deftones. Like he'll occasionally blast My Own Summer, Change, Bored or Rosemary, but anything outside of those? He just didn't listen to 'em. My second hottest take is that he does NOT like Slipknot, which kind of pains me 'cus I do, but I fucking bet you this dude would actually adopt one piece of "Gen Z lingo" or whatever just call them cringe. Though admittedly he would've been jamming the fuck out to Psychosocial and The Devil in I when they came out. Went off the deep end in Vendetta, obviously, and drunk-cried himself to sleep on the couch listening to Linkin Park.

Very confusing spending habits - On one hand, we all understand that Leon came from money, — he was implied to have been born into a mob family from my understanding? And I doubt he'd ever really had to worry about being fully, irrevocably broke, — but I'm sure that growing up in the U.S Foster Care System made him at least a little more cautious of where his money comes from, where it's going, what he's spending it on, etc. So, on the one hand, he's apprehensive to spend recklessly, particularly on perishables. But also, if he can drop over $100,000USD on a motorcycle that got absolutely fucking cheese grated into the road, and spend a perceived, metric fuck ton of money on designer leather jackets and massive watches, it's gonna be hard for me to call him 'financially conscious'. On one hand, he gets apprehensive on spending more money than he needs to on food since he's "just gonna shit it out later", but if he sees a cool watch or a nice suit in a shop window? Money's suddenly not an issue! Not because he's materialistic, but because the one thing he really maintains a sense of control over in his life are his possessions and the way he dresses. The D.S.O can call him in for another months long mission whenever they please, and all he can realistically do is allow the government to tug on his leash and put him where he's needed. He may as well spend their money on things he wants!

Gets out... enough? But also, not really? - So, personally I've pegged Leon as more of an introverted person, — amateurly typed his MBTI as possibly ISFJ? — so he doesn't really feel the need to go out and meet new people or really hang out with anyone. If somebody invites him out? Sure, he'll go. Otherwise, it rarely occurs to him to meet up with friends or colleagues at a cafe or anywhere. I think he'd prefer to just go there alone, mostly for the sake of having somebody else cook for him as opposed to actively seeking out the atmosphere. It's pure convience in his mind. And remember when I said in the beginning about him accidentally being at least a little misogynistic? Yeah, that was me trying to say that he regularly tries to hit on younger waitresses. Not because he actually wants anything to do with them, but simply because it's an ego boost. He likes that he can make girls half his age blush or offer him their numbers, because it tells him that he's still desirable, and ultimately, that gives him the power to reject them politely and go about the rest of his day. If they don't reject him first, of course. Admittedly, Leon's audacity towards women peaked during Infinite Darkness.

Since I'm planning on posting more NSFW headcanons for this guy, — and more NSFW kinds of posts, — here is the obligatory Minors DNI attachment. For your own safety, I don't care if what I have to say is tame so far, you can hold it off I promise.

[ariaste]

hheeyy I am probably gonna buy your pirate book regardless, because it does sound wonderful, but just so I know what I'm getting my little ace brain into: the gizmodo article you linked described Brother Julian as having "a frankly inconvenient vow of celibacy" and i had terrible flashbacks of the way the dragon age 2 fandom talked about Sebastian so like. Does Julian *also* think his vow is inconvenient, or am I going to have to go in accepting that funny queer pirates who resolve things with polyamory is worth wincing through a few conversations where his suitors just Cannot Believe someone so hot doesn't want to fuck oh my we must save him from himself or. whatever the fuck. Again, i loved A Touch Of Gold And Iron so I do trust you, but I've had authors i trust suddenly and unthinkingly have their characters spout aphobic talking points before, so i just want a warning, i guess. Thank you and I promise this isn't intended as a judgement of any kind, just me making sure I'm taking care of myself

No worries! I have not seen any of the Dragon Age 2 discourse and I don't know who Sebastian is, but I think I can sort of glean from context what you mean.

The answer about Julian is a little spoilery for mostly worldbuilding and a bit of his character arc, but not plot. I'm gonna try to put it under a cut, but tumblr is broken sometimes, so if the cut does not work, I apologize to the general public.

Julian is a monk of the Vintish church, which is sort of "what if the Catholic church but make it The Enlightenment" -- their religion teaches that the pursuit of knowledge and Understanding is deeply holy and that the Emperor of Heaven filled the world with mysteries specifically because he wanted humanity to figure out his little puzzles. Monks of this church take vows not to give up all "sinful" things, but to give up the one thing that occupies their mind above all else and causes them to be distracted from the pursuit of knowledge. For some people that might be alcohol, or gambling, or an addiction, or wearing pretty clothes, or anger/resentment, or whatever. For Julian, that thing was sex. He is the most allosexual man who has ever lived. He LOVED sex. It was a source of pure joy and delight and fulfillment for him -- he's one of those people who can find something wonderful and attractive in pretty much everyone he meets.

There were some Urgent Circumstances fifteen years ago in his past where taking that vow was preferable to the alternative that would have happened if he hadn't taken it, so in that sense it was a tool that served a purpose -- it was at one point a deeply convenient way of saving his own ass. I also think it was an important lesson for Young Julian to realize that sometimes you have to make sacrifices and that sacrifices HURT.

However, whether he would say in hindsight now that it was inconvenient... I think he has mixed feelings. He's very good at nuance, Julian is, and so he recognizes that all his experiences have made him into the person who he is and that he has Learned and Grown and Gained Knowledge Of Himself, which he does sincerely believe is a holy and righteous thing -- he deeply values the journey that he has been on. But at the same time.... at his heart he's just a fun guy and secretly an absolute gremlin in his own ways, you know? And tools that were once useful and relevant do not always remain so. Hope that helps!! I am on the ace/demi spectrum myself, so I've got some irritating experiences of the ways that people write about ace characters and try to "fix" them -- this is definitely not that situation.

Also, just cause you mentioned you're ace -- FYI there isn't any on-page sex in the book, just lots of dumb sex jokes and flirting. :)

[graylinesspam]

I’m still trying to define my asexuality for myself, and your posts have helped clear up that definition, I think. How did you come to defining your own? If you’re comfortable talking about it, no worries if not

Honestly, i am very uninterested in strict definitions. Instead of making things overly complicated by trying to define exactly what it means to me, I have oversimplified. Asexuality is non or very little sexual attraction.

I don't see the need for making it any more complicated than that because I generally don't bother to explain myself or my sexuality to other people. I do so on this website purely because I've seen a lot of my fellow ace people, such as yourself, struggling especially in the wake of the acephobic wave that hit tumblr a few years back.

If you want to know about my personal experience trying to figure out what the fuck sexual attraction even is. I'm gonna be real, idek.

I have never in my life seen another person's physical body and thought, "yeah, that arouses me. I'd like to have sex with them".

In all reality i think sex might be a fun activity in the way that like smoking weed is a fun activity. It's stimulating to the senses and the hormones within my body. But that's it. I came to the conclusion that I am ace in part because it is very hard for me to conceptualize sex.

I either find myself thinking of it selfishly as a way for my own orgasms to be achieved. Or conversely as a way to do that for someone else. I have to center one person as the focus of sex when i think about it. Either i am getting or they are. The idea of sex as an activity that two people are engaging in together for intimacy is foreign to me. It seems more like a service being performed. Which i have come to realize is a very cold and sterile way of viewing it.

Even in the most romantic way of viewing it i still see it as just another act of service. I might bring someone pleasure in the same way I might make them coffee before they wakeup. Or cook for them. Or run an errand. Or buy them a gift. It's showing affection but the way i view it seems to be surface level to the way that others do.

I say that I am neutral to the topic of sex because I honestly don't care about it half as much as everyone else seems to. It's just a tool.

And because i don't experience attraction to people i don't experience the tolerance to them and the side effects of sex that other people do. There are no rose colored glasses. I don't like excessive bodily fluids. spit and sexual fluid doesn't become less gross. genitals don't become less weird. the concept of sticking your genitals together for stimulation doesn't become less bizarre. Some allosexual people talk about experiences where they're "brought out of it" or "icked out" basically turned off and suddenly bothered by the sexual process. Well I am never turned on by my partner and therefore am always kinda there.

Which isn't to say I can't enjoy sex. it's just that engaging with another person has so many caveats, and stipulations, and downsides that i find myself very unmotivated to engage with it.

I don't like that sex drive really just means libido, because I have plenty of libido, but I have basically no drive to actually engage in sex. I want to cum. end of story. Everything that gets in the way of that is just a complication.

And of course I feel like such a douche whenever I think something like that. Because it legitimately sounds like dialogue from a narcissistic male lady harassing character in a 90s sitcom.

which is why generally I just avoid it all together. There is something more to sex that a lot of people are looking for, a kind of connection , intimacy, and validation that I cannot provide them.

Whatever it is, I don't have it.

(The tone of this is very frustrated, which honestly, with this topic, currently, I am. But i don't mean to be discouraging. Your experience can be and probably is different from mine. And if it's not...at least we're in this boat together.)

[deadlyanddelicate]

are you happy reaching your 30s? i'm scared for it

dear anon,

i’m so glad you asked.

the answer is, unequivocally, yes. i am happy reaching my 30s. first and foremost because the alternative is, well, not reaching them - which i don’t wish for anyone. in fact, i’m pretty stoked and a little proud of myself for making it this far.

however, i’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s not actually… very far at all. you wouldn’t believe the amount of people in their early 20s i meet who - intending to give me a compliment - will go “no way! but you don’t look 30!”. by which they mean, i don’t look like what they’ve been conditioned to imagine 30 looks like. by which they mean, i don’t look old. and yes, i do have excellent genes from my parents, but mostly, it’s because 30 is not old. shocking, i know. i don’t blame you for thinking it though - it’s a narrative that entertainment media love to push, especially on women. and it’s a narrative predicated on the fact that Old Is Bad, which in itself, is a lie. the amount of people who have come into their own in their 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, would probably surprise you. so, getting old is not bad, let’s put it out there. but more to the point at hand, the truth is 30 is not in fact old. 30 is, on average, not even halfway through your life - only a third in if you’re lucky. there’s so much more to come, i promise you, and i’m excited for it.

but i think you might have wanted to know something different, namely what i enjoy about being in my 30s. so i’ll come up with a little list for you, but with the caveat that this is only my own experience with being 30, and i don’t claim to speak for everyone - or anyone, really.

the main thing i enjoy about being in my 30s is, simply put, how many fewer fucks i give. i don’t really have an explanation for it - i’m a person who, by both nature and nurture, is prone to giving soooo many fucks. too many fucks. all the fucks. so it’s not like i’m suddenly blasé about things, but i have now been on the planet long enough to realise that, actually?, that thing i used to stress about is not in fact a big deal.

#adulting, am i right? oy vey, what a bother. well, by the time you reach 30, chances are you’ll have been at the adulting thing for long enough that it doesn’t seem quite so daunting anymore. laundry, groceries, paying bills, maybe even (gasp) taxes?? you got this. well, maybe you don’t got this got this, but you have the tools to get it.

honestly life gets so much more comfortable. i’m not talking about your body - you WILL wake up with a sore back for no good reason (but then again, my joints have been fucked since i was a teenager, so y’know, not much of a change for me). i’m talking about your lifestyle. you may still have flatmates - because let’s be real, having your own apartment in THIS economy is not easy - but you will presumably not have the rowdy, annoying flatmates that come with uni halls or dorms. you will also, with any luck, have spent your 20s figuring out your ~vibe, your style, call it whatever you want, so your nesting skills will be coming into your own.

by the time you’re 30, also, you’ll have spent enough time with yourself to understand yourself better; to know what you actually like and dislike, what matters to you, what you look for in friends and partners - all of which makes relationships vastly more satisfying.

i should say that in your 30s, quality comes over quantity. i’m not gonna lie, it is harder to both make friends and hit the dating scene - but that’s not because you’re any worse than you were before. in fact, it’s quite the opposite: people your age are both busier and more self assured than they used to be, and mostly, know what they’re after - so the pools may narrow, but chances are, the water temperature will be more to your liking. ok, so that metaphor ran away from me. what i’m saying is, there may be fewer opportunities to make new friends, but the friends you do have? they’re pretty much your second family.

you know what i said about giving fewer fucks and knowing what you like? this applies to social situations as well. you start to realise that your time and resources are valuable, and you shouldn’t pass them around like they’re infinite. your time is yours. if that acquaintance that you sort of dislike invites you out and you don’t feel like going? babe, just don’t go. if you reach that time of the night when one of your friends is like “let’s go on a pub crawl” and you decide you wanna be in bed watching netflix? you’ll just do that, without worrying that you’ll be the uncool one. more than that - your friend will ACTUALLY not think you’re uncool, because they get it. and if on the next night you decide you want to go to a club and dance until 4am? well, you’ll look gorgeous doing it, AND you now know what alcohol makes you the least hungover.

expendable income, oh my god. i realise this is a privilege and not taken for granted at all, but for me, going from a scholarship uni student with 3 different side hustles to make ends meet to full time employment was a game changer. and i’m not even talking about ~financial security - i’m talking about being able to get the shit you want, no matter how boring or childish it is. a fancy kitchen appliance to bake sourdough? you can get it. that sailor moon memorabilia that just came out, or that videogame your parents would never let you buy as a kid? you can get that, too.

because here’s another secret: you will still like all the silly things at 30 than you did at 20. i have it on good evidence that doesn’t change, which is why fandom ageism is simply bizarre. being in your 30s doesn’t mean you have to be serious and boring unless you want to. hell, i started playing two separate d&d campaigns after i turned 30, something i never had the confidence to do when i was in my 20s. this has actually happened to A LOT of people. you can still enjoy your hobbies! in fact you will be BETTER at them! and you get to pick new ones up!

one thing that may not be true for everyone but definitely was for me: you will start taking better care of yourself. i spent essentially all of my twenties struggling with anxiety, depression, and undiagnosed adhd. now, life doesn’t necessarily get easier as you get older - but you start to learn how to cope. i started getting therapy. i got put on medication, which helped me immensely - in fact i’m now tentatively beginning to get off of it because i feel like i’m more resilient, because medication helped me to get to a point where i got more control over my life and learned healthier habits. tv shows lied to us, babes - it’s not rebellious or edgy or cool to try to self-destruct yourself. be kind to yourself, because you’re the only you you’ve got.

a side note here: if you’re queer, this applies even more so. i have read so many articles about how lgbtq+ people go through some sort of delayed development, thanks to the ordeal of coming to terms with their sexuality/identity/various traumas. essentially, for a lot of queer people, your twenties are a second teen age, where you get to figure out who you are when you crawl out of your figurative cocoon. so your 30s are when you get to actually enjoy being a young, fully formed adult - and i promise you, it’s so, so worth it.

i’m gonna end it here before this turns into an essay, but i hope that this makes you less scared, anon! i promise you, it’s all onwards and upwards from here. excelsior! <3

[docholligay]

As someone who read a LOT as a kid but as an adult, I am kind of burnt out from reading even though it has been a good amount of time since i graduated, (Gifted Child Program so I was going through several books a week) I want to start reading again but I have no idea where to start without having burnout.

So we're familiar with my work, before I answer this. I am a very straightforward person and I don't often mince words. I can't be sitting across from you, and so you can't read my body language. So you'll have to trust that while I'm gonna be a little hard on you, it's done with a smile and the understanding that you wouldn't ask me if you didn't want an honest answer.

First off, we're all a little old to be blaming being a gifted kid. I was also in Gifted and Talented. I am, realistically, neither. That is not me dogging on myself. I don't think I'm a useless or whatever person. I just think, I'm just as gifted and behind, in a patchwork as anyone. I think some people trip on discovering, when they get older, that they were never ever special, they could just read well or do math good or whatever, and it didn't spin out to success in life.

That's...actually not the G&T program's fault. We can argue if the G&T program is a good thing--I think it's mixed bag--and we can argue that one's parent's made you think it meant something, but: We're all adults now, and the statute of limitations on blaming a program that told us we were SMART when we were, what eight to twelve? For our lack of motivation now, is pretty much over. We gotta own our own bullshit, friend. That's the start.

I graduated with a whole-ass double major in literature and history, despite being an ADHD sack of shit I cannot TELL you how many books I read in a week, and how often I read a book in a DAY sometimes because I put it off. I still love to read.

Having read a lot of books when you were ten is not the problem. I say this with my hand on your knee and a kind eye, but its the truth.

You probably loved to read when you were a kid because it was your form of escapism, and as we've gotten older, forms of escapism have gotten incredibly sophisticated and made specifically to encourage addiction/addiction-style behaviors in us. It's your phone. I'm talking about your phone. Flash games, social media, etc, its all designed to fuck with us. And whenever I say this, its ASTOUNDING how many people are like, "well fuck can't do anything about it then" instead of getting pissed off. I got pissed off ahaha. I don't like to be taken in!

So let's take the word "burnout" off the table. I don't find it helpful. I guess if you find it in some way a useful tool, more power to you, but let's refocus our way of thinking about our behaviors as things we control rather than things that happen to us. Just try it on for size for me.

I think reading is a fantastic tool to reteach us how to focus our attentions, and help us regain things that technology intentionally seeks for us to lose. You can absolutely sit and do something for an hour or two, I know this because I would be willing to lay every dollar of money in my bank account on the fact that you can sit and play on your phone for an hour. This isn't me saying you suck, or you're stupid, or anything like that. I can also get caught up in bullshit.

You have to set up specific time to allow reading to work for you, and that means renegotiating your relationship with technology, often. For me, it is reading in the bathtub and putting my phone in another room. I'm not going to get out of the tub, walk into another room, just to see if someone hearted my comment*. I read in bed at night, and at night? My phone gets turned all the way the fuck off. This has helped my sleep immensely, for starters. After 10 pm, or so, I am dead to the world. If there's an emergency, I trust the pony express. The odds are low.

Before I had the baby, Shabbat was specifically set up as a time where I didn't have my phone at all, it got shut up and put in a drawer, and I HAVE to get back to that, it was such an incredible reshaping of my mind and my relationship with myself.

So, like so many things in life, it's SIMPLE, even if it isn't EASY. Pick up a book you know you like--I'm a big believer in pushing ourselves with our media but first things first**. And make time to read it. Start with a half hour three times a week. The phone is not allowed to be around. Let yourself dip back into WHY you liked reading. Let your imagination run wild, let yourself live another person's life, learn to see things in your mind again! Anyone can do it, if they want to. And it's okay...not to want to. If you genuinely would rather play video games and watch anime, that's actually fine. Just be straight up. "I don't like reading. I like to play video games and watch anime." Honesty is the best policy. Don't just say "I love to read but I can't but" just because you wish you were the kind of person who loved to read.

It's like I often say to myself, 'The shitty thing about calling myself a distance runner is it means I have to run distances' as I trod off to run another ten miles ahaha. Like, I think it would be easy to say, 'Oh I love to clean and organize, but I can't because I have a baby" Bitch I love to clean and organize, except for the fact that I fucking hate every minute of it, and my behavior bears that out. I clean! But because I have to, to be a partner and family member. I will NEVER EVER take my spare time to do it outside of my chore cahrt that I force myself into. NEVERRRRRRR. Even with all the time and label makers in the world.

This is because I don't like it. Same with other shit I wish I liked doing: strength training, sewing, drawing.

But I believe I could learn to like those things, if I made it a part of my life. I believe that thoughts often follow actions. Whe I started running, I did not like it, and sometimes I still don't, but overall I love being the person who runs, and I love how I feel after a run.

You can be the person who reads!

*Again, I am human! I also desperately want the validation and connection of these things. But I ALSO know I need to be wary of such.

**Another good way to do this, initially, is to allow yourself comfort with books but not tv/movies. If you watch tv or a movie it has to be something challenging instead of comforting, but in books it can be ca comfort read. Just to start changing associations.

[bluejaywalker10]

You know, something that really pisses me off is the concept of marginal profits or savings. Like gas for example. If I've got gas that might be ten cents cheaper a gallon than at another place, I've saved a whopping $1 every ten gallons. If I fill up once a week for a year, that adds up to $52 extra dollars I've been paying. But not buying the cheaper gas isn't going to make an extra $52 materialize in my bank account. $52 over a year isn't going to buy me insulin, or get me the extra $400 a month I need for rent. Even if I was really "foolish" with my money it doesn't make that much of a material difference. If I spark joy in myself buying deodorant and face wash that's more expensive, oh no! I bought some that was $16 for both, and if I got cheaper stuff I'd probably have them for $8. I go through them pretty slowly for whatever reason, so if I pay an extra $8 every six months I've "wasted" $16 over the year. Add it to the $52, I've wasted $68. $68 is the cost of a good grocery run, so I guess the reason why I wasn't eating for the rest of the year was because I didn't find cheaper gas and toiletries. That isn't gonna make me rent. Doing that for brand name groceries vs off-brand groceries, spending $20 a month for fun subscriptions, I did some quick math for me and that would be about $1,078 if I fucking quadrupled my numbers. $1,078. The cheapest rent in my area is MINIMUM $1,200 a month. But I guess I can't move out because my ARFID only lets me eat brand name Pop Tarts instead of the Kroger ones.

And don't get me STARTED on marginal profits with companies. I'm a repair technician for DeWALT Factory Service and there were seventeen late clock-ins at work last week. The production manager brought us into a meeting and said that if everyone's five minutes late every day for a year, that adds up to hours and days of lost work. I'm sorry, what? Because again, that's not time you're actually getting work done. I dunno about you but again those five minutes from each person don't actually materially add up to eight hours or whatever that someone was dicking around or late. They don't actually mean anything. All they mean is I get anxious and feel such incredible guilt when it's hard for me to get up in the morning, and my boss sees the same number of tools repaired on my production reports.

It's all bullshit and I'm so tired. The best budget in the world won't save someone from rising costs of living and the strictest tardy repercussions aren't going to make the damn numbers go up.

[optimisticflowerqueen]

Ok I know my last post was like "what if I relapse and lose 20lbs in the next 2 months" and my post before that was like "I'm so happy I grew out of my eating disorder and I'm still skinny and everything is great !!! "

Well , today's post is like , I love that I still have a thigh gap in random situations !!! like I just drank a whole bottle of wine by myself tonight and (would like some more honestly might open another bottle) im feeling the chaos of being a young inexperienced girl thinking about how to create my own money as an independent artist out in the world doing my own thing without a specific boss or company to work for etc like mostly freelance independent contractor starting my own small business and whatnot BUT at least my thigh gap is still just hanging out being present offering small comforts in the middle of this professional "emerging artist" chaos !!!! Like what a small but meaningful comfort to just be chillin in bed "trying to get some work done" and let my knees fall in against each other and there's still a nice lil gap there between my thighs... Like if I flex my thigh muscles it closes but like that's fine it's still there when I'm just chillin without any effort on my part. (If I lose another 10-20 lbs honestly it probably wouldn't close even if I tried to flex my thighs and that was one of my favorite things when I was at my LW was the way my thigh gap was unavoidable and things were constantly falling thru my lap lmfao , like honestly at this point it would probably be annoying to be that skinny /now that I'm working using tools every day like setting your phone/pencil etc on your lap idk it'd be annoying to fall thru all the time; and I don't think I could make it back to that anyway bc I don't want to lose the muscle I've gained but like ,,, 10 pounds ??? I can do that let's make it happen lol )

Anyway lmk if anyone relates to this / I miss the ed community even tho I've been trying to grow out of it like idk I'm 26 there's things to accomplish but I'm already out here relapsing on cigarettes and alcohol and other drugs I might as well embrace the thinspo relapse at this point 🙃

And like it's one thing to be a chubby teenager romanticizing anorexia / just wanting to be skinny for prom etc it's another thing to be like , a college senior who suddenly found the "willpower" to be a "successful anorexic" and you now have to Force yourself to eat food with carbs+protein so you don't pass out in sculpture class again (passing out with welding equipment is fucking scary AF omg) / can keep performing in your dance classes etc ,,, and then it's a Whole 'Nother Thing to be a full grown adult / out of school / out in the ~ real world ~ (briefly felt like I was over the whole thing) but then realizing "the art world" is just as chaotic and disordered as your college environment, it's 1000% ok if you're abusing Adderall and other drugs (except I don't have health insurance so I need an alternative to adderall = caffeine and ed behaviors,, oops, oh well ,,, ) -> -> what matters more, "success" or "wellness" ? ? The vibe is almost like, if you're not disordered are you even a real ""artist"" ?? It's like bro I'm gonna be 27 in a few months and I'm not interested in joining the 27 Club lol let me live with whatever wellness I can manage for myself haha. But also maybe I can lose another 10 lbs and be extra skinny 👀 20 is probably too much / I don't need to be under 100 I've done that I hit that goal I can let it go.......someone remind me when I get to 105 and I'm like "it's not enough!!" Girl it's enough let it go we've been there done that moving on. Lifting 50 lbs > being medically underweight.

Anyway. Long ass rant talking to myself. I'll probably go open a new bottle of wine and regret it in the morning. Main thing!!! I'm fucking free!!!!! I can do whatever I want!!!! I can get fucked up alone tonight/ already applied for a contractor job for next month / already have plans thru December and then feb-may next year, I'm honestly doing great, it's ok if I drink some alcohol and do some drugs . Like, yeah the "wellness" industry is a whole thing, but the "art world" is a whole separate beast - choose which one to focus on. Drugs and wellness don't really mix; drugs and art are kind of a package deal ? I love drugs let's keep doing drugs honestly. It's worked out so far !! (If youre reading this and you don't currently do drugs, pls pls don't feel like you need to do drugs in order to be a successful artist bc it's 100% not like that but also I've been doing drugs for 10 years + trying to stop bc I thought "professionally" it would be a good idea idk , just talking myself thru the fact that all the ~arts professionals~ I've met this summer also do drugs lmfao - not like they'd ever pressure you into it but more they wouldn't care if I do it or not)

Anyway, if you're still reading and you made it this far - life is weird. I'm gonna try to lose 10 pounds and get some more art gigs this season. Balance between wellness and indulgence and everything that comes with drugs vs helping friends find their healthy limits... It's a process we'll see how it goes. Thanks for reading ❤️ I love you always feel free to dm if you need advice ❤️

[sansloii]

@hhemeraa | send me a number

10. anons

Imma be real honest--i don't use anon much anymore. anything i send, i usually just... send as is. mostly because tumblr is weird and will eat things without explanation so it makes more sense to not use anon so i have the option of following up and be like "hey, i sent you an ask. did tumblr eat it?" if i need to. if you send it on anon... kinda defeats the purpose of anon if you have to ask about it ( thus revealing yourself ). i'm also of the belief that if i send something to you, i want you to know it was me :) it's probably very obvious anyway but still.

i don't mind getting anons though! sometimes, stuff has to be sent through anon ( such as asks from rp sideblogs and such ) so i keep it on for myself purely 'cause of that.

19. smut

when i started this blog waaay back in... 2016/2017 (it's one of those years) i was not at all confident in my ability to write it at all. it was one of those things where i was like "oh i can't write it well and it's gonna be on the dash and everyone will see it and judge me" or some shit like that. i didn't even write it on skype ( which i still had at the time ) or discord ( i think i had one in 2016 but barely used it ) and just kinda like... alluded to the fact that some spicy things had happen.

fast forward a couple years and meeting my lovely, lovely friends on this hellsite and now I don't care as much about the insecurities i had in the beginning because i realized we are all struggling with the same things. if it's not a generalized "what the fuck is anatomy?", it's "how many ways can i describe this body part that doesn't make me want to toss my laptop out a window" or "did i write that already? lemme go back and see if i did." or "i don't have enough adjectives in my vocabulary or mental brain power behind my eyes to intricately write muse a gave muse b a sloppy toppy."

we're all struggling. we're all trying to make our muses sexy. it's okay. we can struggle together!

i can totally understand if someone is not comfortable with writing it for a myriad of reasons and honestly, more power to you. do what makes you comfortable and i honestly don't care if someone does or doesn't write it. or chooses to just write it in dms with specific people. if that's more your speed, then fly down that highway.

29. blocking

as someone who is a former "blocking is mean. what if i hurt their feelings? i can just ignore it" type of person, i will tell you that the block button is your best friend. some of the weirdest/worst people i have ever met have come from this site and after being here for just under a decade and going from one blog to another and just... settling here? i have no patience for nonsense that really gets on my nerves. i am here to mow ass and eat hay and if you disturb that, you need to go

that isn't to say that i use it liberally or that my block list is a mile long, though. it's more that i know the block button is a tool the site provides for you in order not see anyone you don't want to see or don't want to have in your space. and so, i am going to use that tool when i see fit and so should you. i have people i don't like and don't want interacting with my posts. i'm sure someone somewhere doesn't like me and doesn't want me interacting with their posts. block button fixes all that.

i also use blacklists to reinforce this little wall i have up so me? I am a happy camper here. i have my bubble, my space, and i'm content with that.

the only time i can say where it really sucks is when... someone i'm actively talking to and thinking i'm getting along with blocks me. it hurts and i get a little sad about it... but again, they're well within their right to do that. whatever is going on in their head and caused that, however, is another complicated story that's between them and god unless they wanna talk about it.

[popontomarlie]

We're heading towards the end and I get some pieces of information from there and there, I get less brain rotted about DFF day by day and don't really care about pheejin so much (still love Copper and protect Jin though, hearts), so now I see this story as a whole. And I don't like it.

I'm not a professional script writer and have only a few fanfics on ao3, so, I'm the least qualified person. But as I always say when it comes to hockey games, if even I noticed it, it must be an obvious thing.

When pre-release trailer just came out, I was crying, screaming, throwing up for about a month. I still re-watch it every one in a while, because it's a beautiful thing and I could write a story based on it only.

But we've got what we've got and I have some questions and thoughts.

First, the evil five or whatever people call them. Throughout the flashback we see Jin not really getting along with Por, Tee and Top, who are, I personally believe, the original trio. Fans proposed that Fluke became friends with them because they used him for school, and I am all for this explanation. But Jin? The question is not why he became friends with them but rather why they became friends with him? I can only suggest that Por brought Jin into the company because rich kids (people in general) like to be surrounded by rich kids (people).

Another question is why Por attends this school? Why doesn't he attend blue pants private school like White and Phee? When I first thought about it, I explained it to myself that maybe Por's father wants to be this down-to-earth politician whose kid goes to a state school, but I don't think his mother would just allow it.

Also, as surprising it was for all of us that Por called out Keng, it is pretty reasonable for a politician's teenager son to know about sa and power harassment. At least it makes sense to me. Maybe his father had some scandals at his workplace and talked about it at home, idk. Just saying.

Second, Non's family. His parents in particular. I do understands that their behavior might be realistic, some people can act the same in real life, but we're talking about characters, and characters' actions usually have a narrative. So we have two neglectful towards Non parents. They don't love him, because he's not as good and hard-wordking as New, he dares to ask for money or whatever. And when the video is leaked they're ashamed of their son sleeping with a man, but don't even think about their son being groomed (and they know about his mental state, they must realize his son is vulnerable). They don't care about their son until he disappears. And what should we expect from a characters like this? That they probably gonna believe that Non run away with Keng and pretend they only have one son. But suddenly their focus shifts to Non, and this twist frustrates me so much. The parents are just plot tools, not characters, and it makes the audience even more fierce, but once you start analyzing?

I'm not sure about New's character, because for me there are some contradictions in him too. First of all, New, how the fuck could you not know about your mother's state? Okay, they didn't tell you bc they thought you were in England, but why didn't you send Phee to check on them or something?

Okay, this is the question I have for him as a person (who calls her mom every day) to another person. But to think about it in a context of a character? New just doesn't care so much? See, he get obsessed easily, first with his education, then with his revenge. And, yeah, as other people have already pointed, New does it all for himself, not for Non.

The problem that I have with DFF is that once you reach ship wars/wars with jin haters post clarity you come to realize how messy this story is. Hear me out.

I think there're too many characters. Yes. It could be Top who took and leaked the video. Why you make Jin do it if then you give no explanation of his actions (in the show, not by the actor) or don't even show some shift of his attitude towards Non if he's disappointed? Make him a jealous bully! Make him the reason Non loses it completely when the last person who's been nice to him becomes mean too. Or if Jin doesn't become the absolute antagonist, why don't you make at least one scene when Jin realizes he's fucked up? And if he's a manipulator as many believe, show his manipulative side! And if it's revealed he was not the one to leak the video, there will be even more questions. Again, I love Jin, I see so much potential for him, but at this point I think that Jin girlies developed his character much better that the writers.

I think it was possible to split Jin's character into two: Top and Fluke. Top takes the video. Fluke makes Non stay in the project as a fellow bullying victim.

And Phee's new love interest? Oh god, this boy could've lost his focus with anyone or anything. Send him into a university party life and he will forget Non just fine. Or make him fall in love with Tee, imagine how spicy it would be.

Anyway, my point and position when it comes to books, movies, shows is that if you don't/can't develop a character/plot line properly, don't do it at all. And this is exactly what happened with Jin; he's definitely not a secondary character like Top and Por (i mean their screen time and depth), but not main like Non, Tee, Phee or New either. He's stuck in this limbo, hated by almost everyone (and oh how funny it is that Copper started getting hate too, I though DFF fans were anti-bullying). Again, I love Jin, and I think about him just as I always think about things I love: you do it well or you don't corrupt it with your ass work at all (and BOC is usually guilty of this but don't let me start).

To conclude:

If I were given this idea, set of characters and asked to write a script (12 ep) I would go for an already proven method and make one episode per character from their perspective (other three for murder in the woods). Start with Top and Por' pov, then go to Fluke, then Phee, then Jin, then New, then Tee and White (not sure if Non's pov is better in the beginning or the end). Give each character a backstory, even Top who is literally just a guy (derogatory), show through his pov how the original five became friends and how stupid and evil teenagers can be.

P.S. My main suspicion is that writers created (poorly) some characters so BOC could establish their young actors, which, to put it respectfully, was a bad idea. What do you get in the end? Ship wars, actors being bullied, disappointment by both fans who want a revenge horror and fans who want a gray characters' story.

I hope I will be proven wrong and have to put on my clown wig again this week, but you should've seen me in January and see me now, the disappointment vibes are killing everything around me.

P.S.S. If White turns out to be Non but after surgery, my facepalm is gonna be so strong I'll have to go under face surgery myself. Non's face to White's face? He'd have to break his jaw and would not be able to move it for months, not saying that he'd probably have to wear braces!

[knowlessman]

the continuing adventures of gamzee homestuck and friends, uh… continue! (bnha s5e6-e11)

"be careful, young deku, your next fight is with shinso -" me, completely ignoring the plot relevance with one for all and whatnot: HELLYEAH -- bakugo: "hurry up and master that quirk so we can fight again! I've no patience for weak pokemon" or something. point being, big gold/silver rival vibes. pointbeingfuckbakugo

(iida's turn next) still kinda wished he'd gone with Emergency Exit. I forget if he went with Recipro, or if that's just what he calls his moves and he went with Ingenium for the hero name -- iida: "I was third place at the sports festival!" 'XDDDD that bit with hatsume's still funny whenever I think about it

I have absolutely no idea who Tetsutetsu's teammates are but this is fascinating

"kaibara's rotation is a technique where -- (granted, that's only funny to me) -- why is he also spinning his feet, tho? he'd just drill into the ground doing that. I guess it gives him an option if he wants to change lateral direction in a hurry

so… iida's mufflers are… teeth? the adult ones push the baby mufflers out? idfk go figure

but yeah, mudman's kinda neat

I thought fire was sposed to, y'know, melt metal. Also I'm pretty sure sudden temperature changes fuck it right up regardless.

beats me what Ojiro's done different that repels all the mud, but I guess I'm glad he got something else going for him. heck, even hagukure unlocked that flashbang move of hers; Tailman seems like he'd have a hard time not falling behind.

kinda surprised the show didn't punish Mudman for running away from a losing battle tbh

'XD poor todoroki suddenly sucked up all the flames and turned em into some kinda Spirit Bomb, then got a clonk on the head for his trouble

iida: "rescue is my first priority!" EMERGENCY. EXIT.

"it was a huge mistake leaving iida for later" god. dammit. show. what was he sposed to do, grab his ankles so goddamn sonic the speed demon could rip his arms off? -- ohhh, mudman is the guy who looks like a Bleach hollow. huh.

pony or whatever horn girl's name is: "I'll go higher than he can reach and see what happens" I mean. shoji's arms have kinda looked a bit like wings to me from the start… I dunno what I wanna bet that he can flap them hard enough to get lift, but I dunno if I'd bet much against it either -- not to tell on myself too much, but this is a real "me" strategy. I always find myself in positions where my only move is to put off losing in the hopes that a better idea shows up. one rarely does. (granted, I'm mostly thinking about MtG, and I guess I've gotten a bit better, but "more time for thinking" is still my first priority in most situations) -- (timer buzzed, is a draw) Shishida: "in a real fight, running away and waiting for rescue is a reasonable option." make up your damn mind show, are you American or a filthy commie

pretty sure iida had plenty of space to veer to the side and avoid the falling thingy, just saying

hmm, we got dark souls helmet and some random dark-haired girl they're hyping up vs bakugo and headphone jack. are they gonna play this one out as well, even tho the only lead in it is bakugo?

bakugo continues to do bakugo things, ie be an abusive liability on purpose and probably not get punished for it -- "I've gotten stronger too! I've figured out that I can use people as stepping stones, and it works better than only seeing them as obstacles! next I'll advance to realizing they have feelings, and can therefore be used as tools!"

"with unexpected teamwork (read, any teamwork at all), bakugo's team wins!" -- the annoying thing is, he still consistently acts like (and says, often explicitly) he's the only person who matters. nothing about bakugo's attitude or actions feels reconcilable with a person who could strategize in ways that allow their teammates to do anything, or even account for their presence. hell, seeing bakugo show capacity to strategize at all still feels weird. we saw him hand out those grenades to his teammates - people he constantly refers to as extras, people whose names he refuses to use - as if he thought they were competent enough, or worthy enough, to use them. bakugo gets the benefits of a mindset he is clearly portrayed as not having. -- bakugo is an rpg character whose player is a powergamer. the player is rp'ing as an abuser who can't see potential or worth in other people, and is also completely ignoring bakugo's personality whenever it would lead to suboptimal choices in combat. (does it count as an AU if it's literally the only possible explanation)

all might: "you have a good childhood friend" fuck off. one of the first things we saw bakugo do in this show was tell someone to kill themself and he hasn't improved in five seasons and two movies.

I would think team B would be talking more about who all they'll have Monoma copy. the character is aggravating to watch, but his ability ought to be affecting how people talk about matchups more. can't he copy enemies' quirks just as easily as allies'?

okay monoma's proving to be a bit of a nonbo with shinso's quirk. gonna be hard to get somebody to "answer" you if you never shut up long enough for them to do so.

hm. them black band thingies, I think they're called. -- ah, I was right about the adding in other peoples' quirks to one for all. …I think. pretty sure. six more though??? 'XD damn

you'd kinda think the teachers would have some way of communicating to the students whether a match was canceled when something unexpected happened. seemed to be like nobody was sure if that would be the case, then one person threw a punch and they're just all back in it again. not a very well-controlled situation, for a training exercise.

also… welp. guess I'm going five episodes in. gotta wrap this match up, eh? least I started earlier this time, and somehow got through the first few a bit faster than usual.

yeah yeah mineta, you're a garbage character with a deceptively-cool quirk, now kindly fuck off and let the likable characters back onscreen

eraserhead, apparently: "well, your quirk, like mine, is one that either ends a fight immediately or does nothing at all, so I guess you qualify for Remedial Spider-Man Training. we can't have you going out there without at least this"

k plotline wrapped, I can give it a rest now 'XD now I know shinso should be sticking around, or at least added to class B. these tournament arcs seem to go on forever sometimes but… new powers. strategies. character development at the same time (fine, fake/"informed" character development in bakugo's case). this is my shit.

[iatrophilosophos]

How do people just sleep. Like not get out of bed past your alarm or fall asleep during the day or whatever. How are people out here like "I cannot actually function without this basic need being met to a certain threshold so I'm going to meet that threshold"

Like. I've walked past all of the "hey, fucking, stop, eat, sleep, don't do the thing that's making you panic" alarms until I started having seizures about it and now I just have like. Absolutely no idea how to chose when to do something I don't want to and when it's gonna be a Bad Idea. Like I can more or less feel it when I'm coming up on the Total Shutdown threshold but summer experiences suggest if I push against that bar all the time it gets lower...AND ALSO I have genuine tendencies towards inaction that I don't like and aren't helpful to my self regulation either, writing off every bad day as "well I guess I just CANT" is not liberating to me because that day becomes several days, I don't eat, I don't exercise, I start chainsmoking and drinking 24/7 cuz I'm bored, and then I basically don't get out of it until I'm so miserable it flips to mania unless I have really serious irl support like people feeding me or at the very least someone around doing body doubling stuff

I feel like some answer to this is "maybe you just need a carer" but I'm gonna fucking ignore that one bc that's not a feasible relationship dynamic for me in the world I live in and I'd rather get fucked up sick myself than put myself and someone else in the kind of situations that I see caretaker relationships playing out in in my circles; like I've seen exactly zero good models for this shit. Probably I do need better skills for asking for help tho, I just don't actually know whst I need help with that's achievable. I'm tryina get a service dog in the next year or so but that's a Big project and I need like, several financial stability things to happen first--not like, normie levels of sinking thousands and thousands of dollars but I need to get thru some basic needs and then be doing slightly better on monthly bills than I am now to add a dependent while staying here and not having to go travel.

I mean generally the move right now is to just do my best with what I've got and just expect things to fluctuate a lot for the next several months, it's what I've been doing and it's helping and im making progress on all these questions and I think I'm doing an okay job at supporting my friends. I just don't want where I'm at capacity wise to be long term and I want to have better tools to roll with the fluctuations, even tho it's not ever gonna be sure or perfect I at least want to have a less terrifying time and feel less like I'm just reacting to emergency levels of Sick every time. Probably a lot of that is just emotional work but I still majorly lack skills relating to using material disability management tools and I would like more of those and more access to the couple tools that actually are more intuitive to me.

[yeahyeahwhateverrr]

ok, to get to the point, i have a huge problem with men that Is causing me a daily obstacle/actually hindering my life at this point. And i guess I'll talk about that, but I'd like to make a point first before anything, that even though there is an explanation for my actions, there is no justification whatsoever, never will be. Men deserve delicacy and kindness just like everyone else, even if they may or may not be bad. But if they're bad, obviously I'm gonna be a shithead. Like bad, bad. Not normal bad, nobody is always morally correct. Even though my own triggers with normal men over small things make me not trust them easily, so i try to suppress rage and resentment towards them. And it's just healthier to tackle that and just talk about it, not to them, unless it's necessary i guess? But at least to someone not involved that sees a different perspective and is able to help, and God knows i can't afford therapy right now lol. So that's a long ways ahead. I'm doing what i can with the tools i have, but they're obviously shit and work sometimes. "I" statements and DBT therapy wasn't enough ok lol. That's on me but obviously i need some more intervention there. Bc i get unbelievably fucking mad out of nowhere, not even bc of men. Idk, but anyways -

I have a lot to work on, and I'm gonna make mistakes, so i should probably withdraw for periods of time. (even though that's proven bad for me, bc then people find me having episodes where I'm crying uncontrollably and talking incoherently about a lot of shit and i cant remember those. Then I'm fucking embarrassed, like i don't even drink when those happen, like do i get sleep deprived...? Wtf) but maybe during those times, I'll have have to take here and there to avoid, so i can still do self introspection and coach myself somehow? Or ask people how they deal with that personally, something that at least shows I'm trying to make the effort to change for the better. But men absolutely deserve to be nurtured and loved just like anyone else, and to feel security. And they shouldn't have to shut out their own emotions, and they definitely need people to be patient with them bc obviously men are taught at a young age to bottle shit up/ignore it/it's whatever, you're a boy, etc whatever fucking bullshit. I was raised the same way, but that's besides the point, really? But men really do deserve to have their inner child healed and dealt with appropriately as well. Eventually I'll have to work my way up to therapy though, and work on that one super hard and see if i can break through it. Bc it's been my strongest barrier my whole life, when i shouldn't be holding my problems against certain people against all men. They're not all aggressors or monster, they're people just like me. And when i act and do things a certain way i make myself unsafe not only to men but others as well. And i want to acknowledge that and apologize for that sincerely for anyone I've hurt. An apology will not mend or fix that hurt, but i want to at least realize the pain I've caused + as well as apologize bc i feel remorse, not bc i don't want to get caught. But bc it's not being fair to others, it's not giving people a chance, and it's just really fucking unnecessary, quite frankly. So i am sorry for that, and i don't expect to be forgiven.

Now i will talk about my examples with men, but as i said, not a justification, but merely an explanation for my behaviors. My experiences in life with men, so at least there is some understanding there.

Was with dad and his friend downtown, i was maybe 13-15 range, we used to listen to music every Saturday downtown. My dad wasn't drinking, not specifying for anonymity reasons. His friend was. My dad was standing beside him, listening to the music, his friend was behind me, uncomfortable close as i was sitting down in those fabric lawn chairs. Just excited to be with my dad, and his friend started leaning forward, and i felt something hard against my neck, and maybe he was just having a hard time keeping himself up. But wouldn't it be soft? Like idk, how do dicks work, i could definitely feel that shit on my neck, and i remember freezing up when i realized. He's just a drunk though so that has to be it, but every other of my dad's friends didn't like me. And he was the only one that actually went out of his way to talk to me.

Was with my dad outside his apt at the same age range, while he was working on his motorcycle, dude came walking from the bar, stopped by to talk to my dad, kept looking at me, and was like, "you have a really beautiful daughters, i have daughters myself." And just kept staring at me the whole time. Mf looked like Lester off of GTA 5 i shit you not, just skinnier. my dad didn't really acknowledge him, and then the dude walked off, and my dad didn't tell me to go inside or anything, it was night and summer. He drove off to test his motorcycle at the time, leaving me outside. And i was feeling weird, so i locked the door and went upstairs, looking out the window on the main street we were on, and the dude was walking across the street slowly (like the other side this time, he was lingering for a while actually.) and looked up at me and didn't pull away his eyes.

My stepdad and his SIL were drinking one night, and i came out. I was the same age, i used to get hit on a lot as a teenager. (Surprisingly, I'm not conventionally attractive, but i was really, really skinny at the time) and his SIL who was and still is with his daughter, started calling me cute and picking at me. And started joking that he wanted to take me to McDonald's so he could get me a "big Mac". i may be Autistic, but i understand fucked up social cues when i hear them. I'm not that retarded, not saying anyone is, but i wish people wouldn't undermine me. Constantly. My stepdad was coaxing it on, and he actually opened up the garage, and his SIL was trying to get me to come outside with him, very insistent. It didn't feel like a joke anymore. He had his keys ready and everything and wanted "to just take me for a ride." (Same man that put a gun to my stepdads daughters head btw threatening to kill him and her) i was like NO. And kept saying it over and over, my stomach was definitely churning that night. Something felt wrong, i don't think he wouldve raped me, i don't think he's that vile, but i felt really aggressive bc my boundaries weren't being respected. If you don't listen to me, sorry but idgaf about your feelings at that point. Maybe I'm looking too much into these experiences

First ex (cheated on me, admitted to it later bc i wouldn't give him what he wanted) i was 14 and didn't care about sex. And it was my first relationship. When we eventually got back together like 2 years later ish, he wouldn't even talk to me, acknowledge me, brushed me off and would actually push me off of him. Completely cold. I cried and said i was gonna go home, and he said what are you gonna do? Walk all the way home to your dad and tell him where you were? So i stayed and i don't really want to talk about it, not traumatizing. Can't say it was, not going to insinuate or say anything there. He wasn't a bad guy, just high sex drive. Did he make me cry a lot that night and got actually vocally shitty at me for crying? Yes lol

Being flirted with at gas stations when my dad used to send me down to them, with money so he could get 2 liters and maybe some candy lol. That's definitely a lot less malicious, not so bad. Having a man whisper to you in your ear some nasty shit when you're literally at the register is a different story though. I was 16 lol. At least when i told him he backed tf off. He was like oh shit nvm. So a respectful gentleman for that at least, definitely not traumatizing, just a funny story now.

My friends uncle hitting on me and looking me up and down heavily when i was at her house, i was definitely not 18 yet. But he also really flirts with any woman, to be fair. She was uncomfortable as fuck too. I remember when i went home with her one day in high school, her brother and uncle both picked us up, nothing said weird about me. But were saying the high school girls were jail bait and. Yeah. That's not really traumatizing, just made me feel gross.

Obviously i also have trauma with women, i was molested as a kid. But that has no relation to this. I will not explain further than that, bc I'm not mad at who did it to me, does it hurt and make things awkward? Yes. Absolutely lol. But i will never put it against them.

Now i will explain things a little more, but this should absolutely be taken with a grain of salt, and just moreso weird experiences. I do not want to incriminate anyone, i do not want to point fingers or even insinuate anything. I'm fine, im cool, the brain is just a weird thing. i used to have dreams of having sex as a kid, even though I didn't know what that was. Only explanation i can think of is accidentally being exposed to porn, but i can't say for sure bc i was really small. Someone would be on top of me, my vision would be blurry/like looking through a fishbowl lens, couldn't see the person's face, so maybe even sleep paralysis. But I'd feel someone on top of me, and then the motions of missionary. I'd have no thoughts at first, like just the vision and looking up. And then it was like a melting, like i was slowly becoming aware, and then i started to feel a spike of adrenaline and slight panic (?) (Only way i know how to explain that, and then i blacked out. I would just black out.) I remembered that when i got older, and then when i first had sex ever, it reminded me of it. I was like woah, this is familiar. But i can't quite pin my feelings on it. I talked to my sister about it, she used to have the same dreams all the time apparently. But she thinks it was spiritual warfare/spirits raping us, but she was also really whacked out of her mind on meth at the time. She's clean, at least she says she is now. Then asked, "what happened to you child?" Idk bro but we talk about something else now lol idk. Nothing happened I'm fine, repressed memories aren't real. Repressed Emotions are, however. But memories can be falsified and made up. So it was just dreams. I'm fine, I'm ok. I'm fine. Did i get night terrors apparently as a teenager? Yeah haha, but i got a few of them at my dad's. My mom never said anything. My stepmom and dad were watching a movie one night, i was asleep already in my room, and she heard me screaming and crying, just screaming NO and STOP over and over, so she came to check up on me i guess, and was thrashing about looking like i was trying to fight someone off and sobbing hysterically while my eyes were wide open. My dad said he heard nothing, so idk lol. The next morning, had no idea, she confronted me quietly, and was like, did something happen to you? Like who hurt you? Like why are we getting really quiet? 😳🥹🥹 I definitely woke myself up to sobbing quite a few times, like really heavily. Feeling pain in my chest. But that's not night terrors. I remember another dream i had as a kid, where i was sitting on the floor in front of my mom, the living room was dim, only one light on that she was sitting beside. I was in front of her sitting on the floor, in my Dora onesie. And she told me to stay out of the darkness and stay away from the ghost. (? Lol this sounds so fucking cliche or made up sorry, it's just an uncomfortable dream so it's sat with me forever) and sure as fuck a ghost comes down the hallway towards me, picks me up, starts taking me down the hallway, and started to unzip my Dora onesie, and the ghost started to rub around my nipple in a circular motion, and walked me into My parents bedroom, which it was at the time. Now it's just my mom's. And has been. The bedroom was dramatically dark in my dream lol. I had the weird sex dreams and that one literally both when i was In elementary school still. Funny how the brain works, right?

My sister i was talking about earlier actually is getting night terrors to this day apparently, and she's older than me. If that's saying anything. But she was an actual victim of molestation and rape in the same house. I didn't know about the rape until way later. She doesn't like to sit in silence or be with her thoughts or anxiety. So she usually needed something to occupy her mind. So now she's literally on sedatives and hardcore meds. I don't blame her, life has been tough on her. I love her and care about her, and i worry about her everyday. I don't think she's doing anything bad, we just been through a lot of shit together. She is my best friend.

[painted-crow]

hey so i'm looking to figure my sorting out. i'm p sure of my secondary but honestly i've gone in circles so many times that i'd believe anything lmao

so i guess to start like. i'm fairly sure i'm an idealist, but with a twist. i care about making the world a better place-- i'm kinda infamous among my friends for being a little TOO outspoken about my opinions. on a small scale, i have strong opinions about a lot of things, but on a larger scale... idk. i don't think any one person can know what an ideal world looks like cause there really is no such thing. there are literally countless variables when it comes to implementing even small systems, countless ways to fuck it up, so i don't think i'd be choosing some grand ideal over the people i love anytime soon.

that being said, i think my idealist streak gets directed into something else most of the time. i'm very focused on understanding myself to a fault. i want to know why i do the things i do, why i believe certain things over others. when it comes to my beliefs about the world, they're strong but take it or leave it, but when it comes to myself they are not a good idea to push. i've ended relationships over not feeling like myself with them or feeling like i'm losing myself or they're pushing me to be someone i'm not. i make strong instant decisions about what the "right" thing to do is when it comes to how it impacts my perception of myself, especially with intimate relationships (i'm a lot less impulsive with things like friends and things i'm less personally involved in). i NEED to know who i am, way more than i care about any one specific person or thing. obviously i love people very deeply and would do just about anything to have both, but if i don't know who i am, if i'm not true to myself, then i have nothing. losing people happens.

the issue is, because i'm prone to doing that and not thinking as much about how it'll impact people, i've been called selfish a lot over my lifetime. recently i've started thinking more about how my actions impact people and their feelings, and i'm feeling a lot more torn. i want to do what i want to do, what i feel is best, but i feel immature for doing it a lot. i've started worrying a lot about being a bad person and hurting people, and i've been thinking about how the "right" way to be is. i went through a phase where i was repressing myself to make the "moral" choice, but i just felt so flat. ultimately i realized that it doesn't really matter how good i am if i have to repress myself to get there, cause then all it is is performance. tldr is i feel super guilty for making "selfish" choices rn, especially as i've gotten more aware of other peoples' feelings.

what i think is probably going on is that i'm an idealist primary with a badger model, but i'm not sure between lion and bird, and i'm still open to badger. pretty sure i'm not a snake.

the section on my secondary's gonna be a lot shorter, sorry this got so long! so i'm p sure i'm a badger secondary. considered lion and snake secondary too. whatever i am, i have a p loud lion model over it. i've always had a gift for making people trust me, for acting. i kinda blend in and become what i need to to both help them and get them off my back so i can do what i need to do. i have a serious passion for helping people with tough love (i like to think of myself as a p good advice giver, since i can both tell people what they need to hear and really get in their shoes and be kind where other people might not). i think i judge myself the least when i can kinda toe that line between pushing boundaries and stepping back-- i track where peoples' boundaries are constantly so i can push them to the limit without stepping over them. i'm very fluid when it comes to presentation in reality, even though i think people actually think of me as kinda controversial. i tend to see people who are ACTUALLY overstepping boundaries as lowkey selfish at times, even though i also really respect them. i like to do things the "right" way as long as i give a shit about them. the catch is, i don't want to blend into the background, and i don't think i do. a partner of mine called me a fox cause he noticed the way i constantly toe that line where i can get people to notice me and still keep them off my back, still make them comfortable. i'm also NOT a planner. people constantly give me shit for only ever feeling things out in the moment, and honestly thinking about the future freaks me out. i don't want to plan how i do shit i'd rather just get in the zone and figure it out from there. tldr i'm pretty sure i'm a badger secondary? but i could be convinced of snake. definitely see elements of both but my gut's telling me badger so take that how you will

anyway! thank you so much for taking the time to answer this, i know it's a lot.

also sorry one thing i forgot to add about my secondary! i think my lion model got so loud because when i do the shifty presentation thing, i have a tendency to lose myself and start perceiving myself as whatever i'm presenting. it's made it really hard to figure out who i actually am and so i started just being as clear about it as possible.

for my primary, i really care a lot about being right. i try to take every side into consideration to make sure i get the best conclusion. i can be super stubborn when it comes to certain things, but i don't want to just... hold to perceptions that are wrong. that being said it's important to me to trust my gut and i take it as a big input. i'm very felt out for most things, don't really have a strong system of how to be. i really wanna be able to trust myself but i just don't. i have a big habit of relying on other people to tell me what to think, which is uh. yeah.

Primary

You're a Bird primary with a Lion model, and you're trying on some Badger ideals. That's one of the easier Sorts I've done, lol! Possibly because your primary and models actually House match mine :p

Your reasoning process screams Bird xD and so does your writing style and just the length of the ask. Birds love self-analysis, it's part of how we make sure our systems stay as close to true as we can make them.

You've got some Lion too, but it's a model. It sounds like your Lion and your Bird have come into conflict before, and like most Birds with Lion models, it bugs the snot out of you when your Lion's intuition (which is important data!) doesn't line up with what your Bird knows.

You've prioritized Bird's conclusions before, but (as with many Birds) you don't entirely trust your own system and you're wondering if your Lion might have been right and you should give its reasoning more weight.

Also, you're consciously deciding that maybe Badgers' way of doing things is more moral than yours, and you're pulling in some of those ideals. That doesn't make you a Badger primary. Birds are notorious for this kind of thing actually 😂

The line between whether some ideals you've pulled into your Bird system vs. what counts as a model is fuzzy. It's up to you really, how important those pieces of Badger are to you.

For me, I think the line might be--is it wired into your sense of self on its own, or does it get filtered through your Bird and Lion? It really sounds like your Lion is a strong part of your sense of self: if you ignore its advice, you feel not totally like yourself. You don't have to feel all your models equally strongly, but thinking of it that way might help.

(It's also hard because Birds often feel like they kind of are their systems, or they are their ability to reason, that's a core part of their identity. ...It's complicated.)

Secondary

You sound really really Snakey. I'm not sure where you're getting Badger, actually!

Badgers are more than the mirroring ability. They also bury themselves in work or community, and it can sometimes look like they're neck deep in so many responsibilities that they couldn't possibly handle any more problems--and then they do have a problem, they do need something, and they stand up and all that stuff they were buried in turns out to be armor and tools.

Snakes, otoh, are improvisational and tend to be very aware of their surroundings. Unlike Badgers, the Snake brand of social shapeshifting involves a lot of keeping track of other people's reactions to what they're doing--trying something and then watching the response, then adjusting, rinse and repeat. You turn yourself into exactly the right person for this situation.

Badger mirroring is usually simpler. You reflect the other person's energy back at them: it's an empathetic response that says we're alike, I accept you, you're safe. A lot of Badgers do this without thinking--it can be hard to turn off.

Snakes also don't go in for prep work as much, it tends to trip them up (Snakes with Badger or Bird models notwithstanding). They're Improvisational secondaries, unlike Bird and Badger which are Built and rely heavily on some form of preparation.

The Lion model sounds legit, but just check for yourself: you might be learning to use Snake's neutral state. Snakes will sometimes drop all their layers of acting and maneuvering and suddenly they're just themselves. Different Snakes have different relationships with neutral state. For some Snakes, it's a relief to drop the mask; for others, it feels vulnerable and they only trust certain people with their full authenticity.

It does sound like you really admire Lion secondaries, though, so you might indeed have a model there! This is just something else you could check on.

Hope that helps!

- Paint

[danieyells]

Cw kinda gross--but happy ending!

Kwbshsjdn so i was lying in bed minding my own spaced out ass business when i felt a ticklh crawly sensation in my ear. Which didn't make sense because my ear was against my pillow but i freaked out and shoved a q-tip in there anyway. And ofc the one time i do this when i take it out suddenly my hearing is blocked. I freak out even more even though the q-tip doesn't look damaged at all and i'm like 'there's no way in hell my insurance is gonna pay for something i did that i know i'm not supposed to do'

I couldn't find one of those like. Dropper things? I know i own one but idk where it is. I figured i could use the suction from it to try and pull whatever was blocking my ear out(i once got some kind of tiny bead, probably the bean from a beanie baby, caught in my ear as a kid, and that's how my mom got it out!) because it'd surely just gotten in there and maybe i could at least dislodge it enough that warm water could get it out or something. But i couldn't find one. Further panic.

So y'know how some nail clippers have those little rounded edged metal hook things on them? I have a pair that has one of those--i use it for clearing the dirt out from under my fingernails because there's always dirt under there for some reason. And i saw it and i was like. THAT'S small enough to fit in my ear, I may as well make shit worse while i'm at it.

So i, who was in that moment convinced i'd fucked up my ear by shoving something in it, shove it in my ear and start digging around. At first i don't get anything so, against my better judgement, i went a little deeper. I started getting little bits of what i'm pretty sure is wax. Then bigger little bits. Then i must've nudged something because my hearing mostly cleared up, but nothing came out.

A SMART PERSON WOULD HAVE JUST STOPPED THERE. BUT I AM A GALAXY BRAINED GENIUS AND DID NOT. Instead i figured 'whatever's in the way is still in there, i should get it out before this happens again because i will forget and just panic instead.' and, hey, guess what, i got a chunk of wax that was pretty big(or it seemed pretty big to me it was definitely at least two mm or so, kinda solid) out of my ear and my hearing is completely restored. In fact, it feels more sensitive than my unaffected ear and things feel louder in it, but maybe that's because i was rooting around in there or because it was all blocked up for idk 10+ minutes? And it adjusted to compensate? Who knows. I started to try the other ear just for the sake of making sure the same thing didn't happen in there but that one's way more sensitive in terms of idk shoving small dangerous objects in it.

ANYWAY. I SHOULD PROBABLY NOT DO THAT AGAIN.

CAN'T PROMISE MYSELF THAT BUT I REALLY SHOULD LEAVE THE EARWAX EXTRACTIONS TO PROFESSIONALS WHO HAVE MAGNIFYING TOOLS AND LIGHTS AND CAN SEE WHAT THEY'RE DOING, AND NOT TRY AND DO IT MYSELF

[artsyxloner]

Not just a Monster

Warning: violence, blood,

16: life or death

We were both shaking, even though if Eun-Yoo did open up the door for Ji-Su to use the restroom she still would have passed out. " come on help me lift her!" I pleaded to grab her one side while she got the other.

We both counted to three lifting her. Pulling her arms around our neck making our way out of the girl's restroom. I called for help,  not knowing if anyone knew what to do.

Seeing Eun-Hyuk and Jae-Heon they ran over to us. Jake-Heon took Ji-Soo first. " what happened?" Run-Hyuk questioned. I was about to answers until Eun-Yoo did. " she collapsed in the restroom."

There were tear stains on The girl's face, " she been acting like her side has been hurting her for a few days now haven't you all noticed?"

" we've asked but she just denied it." I bit my lip, " what are we going to do?" Eun-Hyuk shook his head " take her to a couch, she needs to lay down so we can figure out the problem."

And we did just that, laying her on the couch moving some of the pillows and blankets off them. She groaned while we were doing this. " how much does it hurt?" We have all gathered in behind.

" I'm fine." Ji-Soo Urged but Eun-Hyuk put his hand on her side and pressed down. She cried out in pain, " I'm going to lift my hand now." After he did she cried out more. " I think it's appendicitis?"

Ji-Soo repeated after him,

" Appendicitis?" She asked not knowing what he was talking about. " Your appendix." Everyone started whispering, " appendix, how does he know that?"

" you should know that we were poor but he still went to med school." Eun-Hyuk explained, " so what do we do?" Su-Yeong wonder, " she'll be okay." Mrs. Cha rubbed the little girl's head.

" the golden hour is running out on both sides." Hye-In implied I frowned, staring at her. I don't know if she was going to be alright? What if we ran out of time on the golden hour?

Soon Eun-Hyun, Jae-Heon, me, and Eun-Yoo were talking amongst ourselves while everyone was in the day-Care-Center.

" if her appendix burst it'll become Serious. In her peritoneum, she could get an infection and Bacteria can spread out through her entire body."

I leaned back on the hall, thinking this over, it wasn't good. " she'll need surgery?" Jae-Heon pronounced, " there's nothing we can do here," I heard Eun-Yoo grumble. " and I'm not sure if I know how?"

Well knowing some medical stuff is better than not knowing at all. " so you're saying you're not going to do anything about it!." Eun-Yoo got up fussing at her brother.

" We can't just let her suffer?" I butted in but I understood, that he was put in a difficult situation. Someone's life was in his hands with just a little experience. " do whatever you can do because I need to get even with her!" Eun-Yoo demanded.

I bit the inside of my lip my nerves her racking up as we got done talking about what was going to happen. Now here comes the hard part. " so there's a chance I might die?" Ji-Soo admitted.

Eun-Hyuk nodded, " yes." I felt bad for her and I don't know how she was taking the news. Probably not well. " there's a higher chance of dying than surviving... It's your call."

He told her, but it didn't take long for her answer because she murmured a yes. " if I don't, there's no chance of surviving at all." She was set with her answer that and Eun-Hyuk left the room.

Everyone was in here even Hyun-Su, " I'll perform surgery. I need antibiotics, anesthetics, saline, and surgical instruments." Eun-Hyuk informed, " I'll go," Jae-Heon Volunteered, it was nice of him but it would be trouble since she's only got one good arm.

" are you trying to die?" Sang-Wook walked up, " you'll just be a burden in that state." That was kinda harsh.

"Okay, I'll go too." I looked over towards Yu-Ri, " no you. won't." Gil-Seob declared, " there are dozens of surgical tools unless you're going to bring the whole hospital, You need someone who we will get the right equipment."

Gil-Seob stood up walking over towards Yu-R, she nodded her head as If saying I'll be okay. " please help us." It was Eun-Hyuk you couldn't tell by his face but he was serious.

So we all began working on getting ready for Ji-Soo surgery. Wiping down the table with hot water, disinfecting everything that was gonna be used. Like the Surgical tools. Hanging up plastic around the room.

Once I was done helping I grabbed my duffel bag, knowing I'll need it for the medical tools. And my machete Du-Silk fixed it to where a bat was Screwed into it.

It was pretty badass, going over to the back seat of the newly reinforced car I opened the door throwing in my bag about to get in when a hand grabbed my shoulder Stopping I look over to see who it was.

Eun-Hyuk stood in front of me, " if things go south just go to the hospital. Getting food is optional Saving Ji-Soo is the main goal." I nodded, " we'll be back soon." I got in and closed the door.

It was great to know he was thinking about others' now and not being so selfish. When everyone that was going got in the vehicle Sang-Wook who was driving started the Engine and we took off. Hyun-Su decided to come with us even I didn't want him to.

Thinking about going outside again, we're it all began. We're I survived with no one, because of what I didn't mean to do. I knew I was still responsible but Did I want to live with the Constant guilt?

That's what I use to think, not knowing when my time would be up if I went out on a run wondering if I might not come back alive. Dying from hunger or dehydration or anything else in this damn world that would do the job.

I didn't want to though at least not know or ever. Yes, I would have to live with it there death but keeping their Memory alive is what I want. To be able to never forget my loved ones.

Going down a dark tunnel I saw the exit and bright sunlight And clear blue sky's it gave me hope, knowing the group I was with is my new friends possibly family and for some reason, I couldn't leave them.

It's maybe because I found a connection with Hyun-Su that we both have held out for this long it's August 25 year twenty-twenty. I have passed the 15-day mark since the 8th of monsterization.

You could say I was holding out but I haven't been fainting having no nosebleeds, or Hallucinations. It's not that I was worried about not having those things I'm just worried when IT comes back I wouldn't be able to contain the monster and finally turn.

I was a ticking time bomb, to say the least. As we rolled out on the ground the ground began to rumble. Feeling the car shake I Gripped my weapon looking outside.

I didn't have time to react because are were rammed into. Feeling the impact of the hit on my side I felt the door close in as we were thrown through the air. Screaming could be heard as the glass was flying everywhere.

Crashing landed on an enormous pile of sand rolling down it the car flipped over a couple of times until it stopped. Blood was dripping from my face clouding my vision as if it was blurry enough from my head swinging back and forth.

I yelled out it see if the others were alive. But I didn't hear a response. Please God don't let them be dead I thought, trying to get out of my seat. But where the door was caved in on me and that my seatbelt was completely stuck I couldn't free myself to help anyone.

Yu-Ri was laying on the roof of the car that was upside down, blood was all over her face passed out so was Sang-Wook searching around I couldn't find Hyun-Su he was in the front passenger seat but he wasn't there.

Looking around Frantically I saw his body lying outside on the ground he wasn't moving. Tears began to fall from my face, I needed to get out and help them. I didn't see my machete bat anywhere to cut myself out.

But there was a large piece of glass stuck in my leg it was big than my hand. I had to pull it out, taking ahold of it I clenched my teeth jerking it out real fast. I cussed sucking in a breath, that fucking hurt.

Taking the seatbelt, I Started to saw on the thick material moving it back-and-forth. Then then the rumbling came back. My breathing quickened as I was trying to cut faster.

" come on you stupid piece of shit!" I mumbled Anxiously, I was finally able to cut myself free slowly I made my way down until I got on the ground. I took my hand shaking Yu-ri but she wouldn't get up. Signing Looking through the car's window I saw Hyun-Su waking.

I was afraid the giant monster get to him before he would have time to react. I screamed out his name to get his attention. " Hyun-Su!!! Get up!!!" I Cried seeing him glance over to me eyes wide when he saw the monster warning him about.

He got up staggering a little bit, grabbing his spear. He Launched at the monster trying to stop it in its thigh but it was no use it ended up flinging its hand hitting Hyun-Su sending him flying crashing into more sand construction equipment.

I screamed out, and the giant monster looked down at me and smiled with its bloody mouth. It picked a concrete cylinder and checked it at Hyun-Su. But he dodged it just in time.

I let out a shaky breath, there was a movement in the front seat it was Sang-Wook he pulled himself out of the car. I began to smell smoke inhaling the fumes, making me cough It was going to catch on fire soon.

I hurried to cut Yu-Ri's belt, hearing I banging noise. Sang-Wook jerked open the door. I soon was able to cut her free, heaving her up I dragged myself over to the opening Sang-Wook made.

It was a tight space so I laid Yu-Ri in front of me first so he could grab her. " here take her, I'm fine."  I stated not needing help. I was about to crawl out but then remembered my Field guide journal with my family picture in it. I found it near the front.

I was close enough to reach and unzip it, searching around my hand to touch the cover of the pages. Getting it out I held it close to me while dragging my Injured leg that was bleeding heavily out.

I clutched my leg adding pressure as I got up limping, to get away it was going to blow up any minute. But my leg was in too much pain, I fell to the ground, landing on my side.

I grunted cussing out,  " damn leg!" Trying to get up but then I smelled gas. My eyes widened trying to pull myself up again.  The smell was getting thicker and stronger.

I didn't know where Sang-Wook went with Yu-ri but I hope they were safe. Off in the distance, I heard someone calling out my name. Looking up it was Hyun-Su, he was running.

I hadn't noticed the big red fire truck that had come in all this ruckus. The person that was driving it was ramming the monster with it. Just then I began to feel the heat and something grabbing me yanking me out of the way when the car exploded.

Knowing it was Hyun-Su he wrapped his arm around me as we tumbled to the ground. Making a thud sound, I landed on him my face got shoved in his chest.

I stayed there for a minute taking short hard breathes, I could feel his arm tighten around when I started to move. " Are...you alright?" Hyun-Su breathed out.

Wondering if I was okay, I was quiet for a minute but then answered. " I gashed my leg open, but I'm fine." I wiggled out of his grasp sitting up, he did also.

Seeing the huge slash that was oozing a lot of blood by the minute. " can you try and stand?" He asked, but I shook my head. " no, I can walk." Hissed in pain when I moved it.

" Okay, " was all Hyun-Su said grabbing my arm he wrapped it around his shoulder. " I'm going to lift you, can you get on my back," he added, I nodded as he Crouched down.

Climbing on it, I wrapped my arms around his neck, giving the clear he stood up and walked back to the apartment building. Feeling tired I laid my head on his shoulder.

This is kinda long but I hope you enjoy it!! ☺️✨