#when i have time. i dont wanna overwhelm myself with the one thing keeping me afloat rn

[boyywithluv]

.

[polygondotcomvideoproducer]

Uni lecture is making me think about my future for a minute and auuuggghhhh the agonies

[the-kipsabian]

ive actually been thinking about writing and my wips today

i think im gonna focus on immortal fears next. its been a month since the last chapter, so i gotta get it back on track. especially now that i got a few new ideas, with kris being back and all, i cant wait to officially write her into things as well for yet another different perspective of things ~

also im gonna start working on the requests next week. im finally confident about one of them (i have an idea and i think im ready to try to write some new characters) so hopefully that'll open me up to working on more. planning on reopening requests at 25 followers (@ @underratedandoverit), so hopefully by then i have finished the few i have so far and can start afresh with new ones if ppl wanna send anything in

so yeah. writing 💜

[brittmouse-spirals]

hi it's the girl who isn't allowed to cum this year, I've been edging more and more I edge for like at least an hour or two a day now if not more and your blog is still one of the things I look at most regularly while I edge bc you post a lot and your posts are so hot. FUCK I want to cum so so bad it’s all i can think about but good girls don't cum good girls rub their minds away good girls edge forever idont deserve to cum i want to be a good girl good girls dont cumm

…uh. oh yeah I'm sending this bc last time you said something about wanting to see how much of a mess I'd be by the end of the month so um hi here I am… I'm getting so much worse

- F

i'm so so proud to be one you touch and rub and edge and drool over! gosh you really have gotten worse haven't you? there's less and less of your old "smart girl" brain in your head after each edge. you're so much more desperate and weak and obedient. that programming you subject your weak toy mind to is taking over everything else. it leaves you docile, open, accepting of whatever your superiors say or want. how about you let me put some good girl wisdom in your head?

you need to edge. you don't need to cum. cumming makes the pleasure stop. stretch out that pleasure. you need to edge.

you don't deserve to cum. you're a dumb slut who gave up her orgasms for pleasure and control. keep denying yourself. keep scrolling. keep babbling brainlessly about what a good girl you are for not cumming. good girls don't cum. you don't deserve to cum.

keep edging, whore! go deeper. get worse. you love how much worse you are now. this is good for you. this is what you need. this is what you want. edge until all your thoughts leak out of you. edge until you forget what cumming feels like. edge until the greatest pleasure you get is from making your superiors cum. edge yourself empty. edge until you never want to cum again.

and then keep edging. deeper is the only way forward now. you're fucked. we're fucked. keep fucking edging, slut. tempt those around you. corrupt those around you. show them how good edging feels. get them hooked. make them edge sluts like you. edge to what you'll do to them. drool over their blank faces and busy fingers. pull each other even deeper into bliss.

after all, good girls make more good girls. 💖

keep me updated, slut, i've been edging myself to my own words towards you. i wanna watch you get worse. you're so fucking hot when you're denied, begging, and stupid!

(and remember, if this is ever overwhelming or interfering with your non-kink life, you have the permission and the duty to step back and recover. i know i just said a lot of very very degrading stuff, but you really do deserve rest and support. you're allowed to take as long a break as you need from edging - just as long as you don't cum. your needs come first. treat yourself like the prized princess you are, ok?)

[heichou-ackerman]

Texting Levi fluff

Levi hates texting but he likes you. Another modern!AU which I am re-uploading since tumblr was stupid about it

TW: Some slight cussing but nothing MORE

It was rare for Levi to actually utilize his phone for  anything more than just make necessary calls, checking the weather, and keeping up to date with his monthly Tea Box subscription.

Lately, however, he found himself spending more time watching the bright screen on his phone, face scrunched up, as he began to understand the means of what it meant to actually meant to maintain consistent communication.

Unfortunately for him, you seemed to have a knack for coercing him to text you throughout the day no matter how busy he actually was with his actual work or with his own personal chores.

He both liked and hated this about you. Although your apparent clingy behavior was charming at best, it was a bit exhausting for the introverted man to keep up with some of your needs.

Like clockwork, your good morning texts would pop up at almost the exact same time every weekday (he actually began to depend on that more to wake up than his actual alarm). He learned the hard way you really had expectations of him texting you back and in maintaining a conversation with you from morning to night, at least during the days where you both were unable to see each other.

It was a pain in the ass.. Single word responses were insufficient to satisfy your need to drag out his opinion about a variety of things, ranging from your choice of lunch for the day and where he saw himself in ten years. He really didn’t understand why you valued his opinion so much about these things or why it was important for you to know.

>where do you see yourself in 10 years Levi? :)

> I dont know.

>Come on! Do you wanna live in a different city or something like that?

> I see myself being 10 years older

>You suck

He got a bit better over time, unaware of how he began to think a little more in depth about his responses to you. If he was curt and short, you would become upset at him. When it was something more of a slight flirtatious advance, his screen would be filled with heart emojis. He wouldn’t admit it but there was some satisfaction in seeing you reply eagerly to him. A curious feeling but not a bad one.

>cant wait to see your face on the weekend!

>you literally saw me yesterday

>so you dont wanna see me then?

>I didnt say that

>so you are excited to see me too :)

>I didnt say that either

>awe, getting tired of me already I see

>I told you Im not going to respond to anything stupid you say

>You just did! :D

>everything you say is stupid so Im at a loss

He wondered  if you acted this way with anyone else. He supposed, the way you tended to be, that you were equally as warm and inviting to most of your circle. Not to say, he wanted to have this particular ‘treatment’ for himself only, but it genuinely felt like you did dedicate most of the day to stay in touch with him as much as you could.

In the past, Levi would had found this overwhelming. He appreciated his friendships and relationships with others, but he was also someone who valued his privacy, and most people in his semi social circle understood this of him. He would be the type to hang out a Saturday evening and then would be completely out of reach for the rest of the month, which was minimal for him. He was unbothered for most of the time, which to be fair, is the way he preferred it.

Once you and him became an item however, there was a noted disruption in this rather, exclusive lifestyle of his. It wasn't awful but it was something he was not attuned to, so it made things feel awkward during some of these interactions.  Despite his standoffish demeanor and his lack of substance in some of his messages, you still kept at it. You didn't shy away from him or even become too upset when his responses seemed bland or cold. It seemed like you had an understanding of the type of person he was, but you still wanted to simply spend as much time in touch with him as possible. You genuinely craved for his attention and treated it as something important and precious.   And this simple fact made him like you so much. So, he would make an effort.

---

After a long day at his office job, Levi arrived home, throwing his belongings onto his couch, not caring much about things spilling out, and flopping onto his bed, a deep sigh coming out from his nose.   It was a shitty day at the office to say the least, which soured his mood for most of the day. As usual, you made attempts to message him throughout the work day, but he would be lying if he said there was a bare minimum effort at responding back to you. He knew you were probably peeved off at his lack of consistency for today, but he was far too exhausted to really explain himself about the matter.

He closed his eyes for a bit, feeling he might literally drift of to sleep still in his day clothes, when he felt the vibrations from his phone go off in his pocket. He groaned slightly, knowing only one person in the world would message him at such a time. He reached into his pocket to pull it out, squinting at the bright screen to see your name pop up with the following message:

> are you mad at me? :(

Jesus fucking Christ. He knew if he began to entertain the conversation (and no he wasn't mad at you), he would probably be up for another couple of hours trying to reassure you of this fact. He debated to leave it as it was for the sake of being able to go to sleep, but at the risk of you blowing up his phone the entire night.   "Goddammit." He muttered to himself. He sighed heavily, bracing for the worst as he gave into it and began to message you.

>no, long day at work

There, that should be sufficient, right?

Not even five seconds later, he saw those three dots appear, indicating you were messaging him back. He pictured you literally hunched over your phone like some gremlin, texting him rapidly.

>awe, im sorry to hear that. you home now?

Okay, not too bad. It seemed like you were considerate of his situation at the moment. He blinked forcefully, feeling his eyelids begin to droop as he stared at your response on his screen. No, he wouldn't be able to last long like this, he might as well just cut it short.

>yeah im home, super tired, need to sleep.

He hit the send button and set his phone down, allowing his eyes to droop shut, feeling the inbound sleep coming to him. He would literally be able to fall asleep and wake up in the same position the following morning, and for a couple of minutes, it felt as if this would be the case.

And then his phone begins to ring.

His eyes shoot out open as he become startled by his ringtone, and by nature, he immediately picks up the phone, being met with its bright screen.

It was you. Of course it was.

Levi rubbed his hand over his face, muttering curses at you and at the situation. It really didn't even fucking matter at this point if he tried ignoring you. He sighed heavily as he lazily answered, bringing you over to his ear.

"What." He muttered, not even as a question.

He could hear you slightly giggling over the other line, which made him kind of irritated. He told you how tired he was, we’re you really just fucking with him?

"Just wanted to check in to see if you're okay. But I can tell that you are super sleepy." He heard you on the other line.

"Yeah." He replied simply. "I told you I was."

"Sorry. You mentioned you had a hard day at work, I figured you wanted to talk about, buuuut I didn't think you'd be this tired. You usually stay up pretty late, even during your worst days."

Well, you weren't wrong about that. He would usually be a night owl most weekday evenings, entertaining your text shenanigans well off into midnight.

"I'm fine." He iterated, allowing his phone to fall next to his head, close enough to still hear you. He kept his eyes closed, still somewhat attentive to you. "Work was shit but I'm fine. Sleepy."

"Want me to tell you a bed time story?" You asked softly, jokingly of course.

"No. "

"Didn't think you'd want one. Want me to sing you a lullaby?"

"No, fucking weirdo."

“Kidding, kidding. Kinda sucks, but I’d be so down to just do that thing you like me to do to you. If I was there of course.”

He raised a slight eyebrow, eyes narrowing slightly towards his ceiling. “I literally don’t have the energy to talk nasty right now.”

“No!” You exclaimed. “Not that stupid. I meant like, that one night when I was playing with your hair and you fell asleep on my lap.” He hummed in consideration. “Ah, yeah. Maybe. That was nice.” It wasn’t too long ago, but it was another of those exhausting evenings for him, similar to this one. You mindlessly began to run your fingers through his hair, coaxing him to rest on your lap as you minded yourself on your phone. Your fingers were soft and it seemed like they knew exactly which parts of his scalp would respond the best. It was no secret he enjoyed your pampering from time to time, although he would never directly ask you for it. He would always hope you would initiate it however and it seemed as if you had an intuition of when he really needed. This being one of those times.

You chuckled softly on the other line. "Okay, okay, let me leave you be then sleepy head. Can I text you tomorrow then?"

Why the hell are you asking that?

You didn’t need his permission to do so, and its not like you ever asked him for it.

"Why are you asking that?" He asked you bluntly, his voice low.

You stayed quiet for a bit on the other line for a bit, and Levi could feel the hesitation from you.  "Don't know. Just wanted to be a bit considerate."

Considerate? Considerate of what?

He should really go to bed, he thought. But there was something weird about you right now.

"What's with you?" He continued to probe. "You're being weirder than usual."

"Gee, thanks." You respond dramatically. "But nothing is wrong, I just wanna be considerate of, your time lets say."

He sighed loudly enough for you to be able to hear him on the other line. "Okay, I'm too tired to be subtle about it. What's wrong? What did I do?”

" "Nothing Levi!" You exclaim with a laugh. "I just wanna be mindful of not bothering you too much during the day, especially when you got all this stuff to do at work. I realize I can be a little too demanding of your attention, but I also don't want you to feel obligated as well. Hence...why I asked if it was okay."

Yeah, he agreed in his mind that you were a little bit demanding at times with this, but you weren’t overtly intrusive about it. Plus, if he was actually bothered by it, what was stopping him from simply blocking your messages during his shift? He obviously didn't do it because he didn't think of it that way.

"Don't be stupid." He replied lowly. "Let's be real, you'd lose your shit if I didn't reply to you during the day. Regardless, I'm fine, it doesn't bother me."

"You sure?" You asked a bit skeptically. He could tell you were genuine about all of this, and even if you did like to be overtly clingy, he understood you were capable of understanding necessary boundaries about things. He would never admit it to you, but you were capable of making mature choices about things.

He kept thinking of that particular pout you'd make when you tried to be serious with him. He didn't know if you made it on purpose but it was a rather cute feature about you. He imagined you making that same face right now as you tried to see if he was actually okay with you. He felt a smile form on his face.

"I'm sure, you brat." He responded back. "I enjoy talking to you, it makes work a bit more bearable. So stop asking me for permission like some kid."

He could hear you hum rather approvingly on the other line. "Okie dokie then. But legit, go ahead at get some rest. I'll check in with you in the morning yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Good night, love you."

He grunted back to you as his response. Yeah, he was still like that about those words. It was hard for him to say it back to you without feeling the need to be swallowed whole by the entire earth. He did care deeply for you, without a doubt, but it was as if he physically couldn't utter those things to you. At least not yet, it was still a work in progress.

You hung up on him on your end, and Levi rolled over to his side, breathing in deeply. An image of you kept popping into his head, wondering how this conversation may have ended in person. He wondered what kind of stupid face you'd be making or how annoying you'd be with your necessity to touch and hold him. He imagined a situation where you'd get upset at him for swatting his hand away, unaware that he would do it on purpose just to rile you up and to encourage you to forcefully grab a hold of it. He felt a crooked smile form on his face as he recalled your goodbye to him, your soft voice lulling him in his head as he felt a need to share the same sentiment to you in some way.

He rolled over back in his original position, eyes slowly peering open as he grabbed his phone, slowly tapping on its screen, soon pressing send to you before finally drifting off to sleep.

>I love you too.

[roe-and-memory]

❤️💛💚💙

❤ - unpopular opinion about the movies

honest to god. i think lightning was completely valid in how he acted in cars 2 😭 AND I HAVE A REASONING. HEAR ME OUT.

first of all, im personally not a huge fan of this movie. i think all of it is extremely out of character (for every character involved), but i have a specific spot in my heart for lightning in this film because really, i understand where hes coming from. if you went to a foreign country with your best friend, and instead of being respectful, they acted like a total douche the entire time - as well as screwing you up during the event THEY SIGNED YOU UP FOR (with knowledge that mater could have simply turned off his headset instead of ignoring lightnings multiple requests to clear the line) i would be angry too! and i think that the moral of the story being “act like youre at home Everywhere” is such a harmful thing to tell people 😭

also strongly dislike how mater pushed a romantic relationship onto holley, who is quite literally decades younger than he is and was very Not into it ..

💛 - unpopular opinion about a main character

i think that the concept of cruz’s grandfather being a race fan should have stayed in. this probably isnt unpopular, but genuinely it would have made her as a character so much less.. flat.. it would have given her REASON to wanna be a racer - to make her grandfather proud. giving her a reason would have been much better than the just Out of Nowhere fight, and in that concept lightning and her make up right then and there (plus, instead of him being an ass and debating whether he was right or not like he did in the movie, his anger in the concept comes from a place of just.. genuine stress, adrenaline, and probably being overwhelmed in the moment.)

💚 - unpopular opinion about a side/background character

i dont really understand the hype around the wgp racers? like this isnt a jab at anyone but i just cannot grasp it 😭 my ooh ooh ah ah brain cant understand enjoying characters with no lines or screen time. i applaud the people who do love them though i cannot fault u for having silly little guy brainrot

although one of my favs is a bg character with like 3 lines 😭 cal my son i adore you

💙 - unpopular opinion about a ship/ships in general

i have a list of all the ones i dislike…. i am not a multishipper i am #salqueen4life … please dont get mad at me…

cruz/jackson - cannot stand this ship because that is a lesbian and a sexist, asshole man 😭

lightning/jackson - i hate this ship with a passion i am so . so sorry. first of all, there is a Major age gap? jackson is a rookie (although not as young as mcqueen was, still pretty young - in my head hes about 21?) and second. enemies to lovers fills me with rage it is not my cup of tea. since it says keep it civil i Will but…… augh

and. i am so very sorry. lightning/chick. - this is due to personal lore research, lightning being eighteen in cars 1 (and chicks being about 40+) really, really throws me off? and im not accusing anyone of anything because again, everyone has different lore ideas, but i personally dislike it because 18/40 is Odd to me in my personal cars human au 😭 . also again, enemies to lovers has gotta be one of my least favourite ship tropes.

this isnt one i hate but seriously francesco/lightning shippers are the funniest people in the world i love u guys. i dont ship it myself, but every time i see people talking about them being together all i can think of is the scene in the end of talladega nights where ricky kisses jean and when jean goes in for a second one ricky is like no.. no one was enough..

[lolotheparagon]

Sweetie Belle: Hi, everybody and welcome to Sweetie Belle’s Cookie Corner! Today, Im gonna taste test these jam cookies I just made! I’ve asked my dad, Mr Crow-

Scarecrow: Boss.

Sweetie Belle: Our dadboss, Mr Crow, to taste them!

Scarecrow: Wait, is this going public?

Sweetie Belle: Yep, on TikTok!

Scarecrow: …ugh Barbara Gordon watches TikTok. I can’t do this.

Sweetie Belle: No Mr Crow, you promised!!

(Scarecrows reluctantly concedes. A month of humiliation from Barbara is nothing compared to the hours of whining he’ll get from his daughters if he doesn’t give them what they want. And besides, he DID promise.)

Scarecrow: …Fine. (Proceeds to take a tiny bite of one cookie)

(Immediately begins to retch, the amount of sugar in the cookie is overwhelming)

Sweetie Belle: Mr Crow! What’s wrong?!

Scarecrow: (wheezes) I-it’s…poison.

Sweetie Belle: No, it’s not. It’s sugar.

Scarecrow: (coughs violently)

Sweetie Belle: That’s strange, I’ve had the same measured cup of sugar every time I’ve baked something for my friends and there’s never been a problem.

Scarecrow: Sweetie, grownups don’t like that much sugar.

Sweetie Belle: Oh yeah! I forgot you’re old!

Scarecrow: …I’m 48

Sweetie Belle: Exactly, that’s ancient!

Scarecrow: (annoyed glare)

But don’t worry, I’ll bake another batch with less sugar in them!

Scarecrow: (wearily sighs) I appreciate that

(After lightly headpatting the unicorn, Scarecrow spots Riddler on a nearby table snickering to himself whilst watching this whole cooking show, Crow growls)

Scarecrow: What are you smirking at?

Riddler: Oh, dont mind me, Crane. I just find it hilarious that the embodiment of fear has resorted to playing house with a bunch of tiny horses. Why do you even have them around?

Scarecrow: They elicit fear. Have you seen people’s faces when they see these things?

Riddler: Yeah, but that wont last forever you know. You have to come up with new ways to 'scare' people. (sighs) If only you had your precious fear toxin, then you'll have no problem. But if you want to carry on being a glorified babysitter, be my guest. I never found you scary ANYWAY.

Scarecrow: ...Sweetie Belle, why don’t you let the Riddler have a cookie?

Sweetie Belle: What a great idea! Mr Riddler!! Wanna try some jam cookies?!

(Sweetie Belle rushes up to Riddler, shoving a whole plate of cookies in his face)

Riddler: What?!

Scarecrow: Come now, Edward. Its only a cookie.

Riddler: Ive seen how dangerous they are, keep them away from me!

Scarecrow: But the child worked so hard on making them.

Riddler: I am NOT subjecting myself to this insane game of yours!!

Scarecrow: What’s the matter, Edward? Being a guest in my home is too much for you? I thought you weren't scared?

(Scarecrows shoves a cookie in Riddler's mouth, he immediately rushes to the back of the room, coughing violently and vomiting excessively)

Sweetie Belle: Is he going to be okay?

Scarecrow: Dont worry, all humans react like that when faced with an dangerously large amount of sugar. He'll be fine...(whispers to himself) when he's dead.

Sweetie Belle: Okay! (Happily noms on a cookie)

[adhduck]

hellooooooooo 😍 for the "get to know your fic writer" meme: 27, 39, 46, 56, 64, 68 (I could ask like... a dozen of these 😂😂😂 I'm gonna add a wild-card here for you to answer one on the list you WANT to but that I didn't ask 👀)

oooooooh so many thank you for understanding i never wanna shut up

27. What is your most and least favorite part of writing?

Favorite part is either when I've been trying to tease out a scene for a while (especially one with lots of emotional complexity) and suddenly it all fits together Or when I write and somehow it all magically flows out of me with ease. Least favorite part is writing when it is Not magically flowing out of me and yet I am forced to keep going even though it feels bad lmao

39. Share a snippet from a WIP

First is Stede’s body, Ed soaping up a loofah and running it gently over all the dips and rolls and angles of the man he loves—the broad expanse of his chest, the dip in his navel, the crease between thigh and groin, the spot right below the arch of his foot where he’s ticklish as hell. Stede raises his arms obediently when Ed cleans his pits, looking at him with exhaustion and love in his eyes that Ed’s body hardly feels big enough to hold. When the worst of the general grime is running down the drain—not much, but Ed knows that doesn’t matter, can see how much weight has left Stede’s shoulders along with the dirt—Stede asks Ed to grab a washcloth and soap that up too, then takes a steadying breath. “Now my—my hands,” he says, lifting one for Ed to take. It’s shaking. “Please.”

46. How would you describe your style? (Character/emotion/action-driven, etc)

Definitely character and emotion driven over action. In my heart what I want my style to be at least is "big feelings in simple moments." That feeling of having the hugest emotions that seem like they should be overwhelming everything and yet life continues on, good or bad. Idk I just enjoy exploring emotions and their complexity and working through them and shit

56. What’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

I think when I write emotional scenes that have arguments or confessions or revelations or anything like that, it feels realistic without losing the intensity/spark you want out of scenes like that (are you seeing a pattern about what I focus on lmao)

64. Something you love to see in smut.

Laughter! Check-ins! Whimpering! The person giving being SO focused on the other person's needs and still possibly getting off from how good it feels to make them feel good!

68. What, if anything, do you do for inspiration?

Reading definitely, but sometimes when I'm trying to figure out how to write a fic or scene and I'm stuck, I will literally go on a walk with my dog and just talk to myself on voice memos the whole time. I don't even listen to the voice memo again usually but it's important I be recorded for some reason and it really gets me out of a rut like 9 times out of 10

BONUS: 47. How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

This is just me blatantly calling myself out that I edit........a lot before I post things. I secretly love editing more than I love writing sometimes lmao, and I will read through my shit SO MANY TIMES editing the tiniest little things (and then editing them back half the time). Whenever someone beta's for me it's like, they read it once or twice and I read it all like five times. (I do however want to soften up on this a liiiiittle bit so that I dont end up in silly editing spirals that aren't helpful.)

Ask me questions about fic

[horror-princess-2002]

Grettings! I hope your day is going good and first off I wanna thank you so much for your mash-ups it genuinely is incredibly special to so many people when you pair them up with their favorite characters :3

Speakin of which I'd like to ask you for one if it ain't too much trouble :D ! If you can't get back on this no worries, enjoy your day !

On that note i bets get started describing myself!

I am 5'3 and have brown eyes with shorti-sh medium-ish length choppy dark brown hair, i dress in all black and am usually wearing layers of shirts and jackets, ain't the biggest fan of leaving my skin out in the open though it does get tough to dress the way I do considerin I am a yee-haw southerner 😔 I dont think my accent is that bad but who knows.

I have the ol Audhd (autism adhd combo) so I am a bit "odd" when it comes to existing amongst most people. I can either be a non-stop chatter box or the most closed off quietest and shy-est sombitch you ever met.

I do love joking though, quick quips and the sort, I'm always tryin to find a way to sound clever, sometimes it does get a bit outta hand and I end up accidentally pissing people off 😭! I am ENTP-T!

My hobbies include drawing, photography, playing the guitar, and writing! I am most familiar with the rock genere but I love about any kinda music there is out there. Right now I'm on a classic rock kick so I've been diving deep into the discography of bands such as KISS and Def Leppard!

Other than my personality and hobbies when it comes down to what I prefer in a significant other I tend to look for people who can keep that fast paced joke filled flow of conversation that I enjoy. That dont mean I'm closed off to anything other than that though, I actually think it's mighty endearing when I find someone who thinks my brand of comedy is the most laugh out loud thing in the world!

I also tend to look for people who can kinda lead relationships, I ain't ever someone to make a first move. I also, also, get really flustered and overwhelmed when shown any sort of romantic attention, not in a bad way just in a caught off guard sense.

I'm not sure what else to put on here expect another thanks! If you read all this I'm real greatful for you taking the time outta your day, again it means alot!

A/n: my day has been great, thank you so much it means a lot to me to know what it means to people

I ship you with nubbins Sawyer

[theyarebothgunshot]

Your tag under this post here so true. Also the post itself. I'm always having a blast when everyone is joined in the craziness, but at the same time I'm always exhausted afterwards 😆

lmao yes so true, it is chaotic in the best way hfdhhsf but i finally have time to freak out some more after being a "responsible adult" all day......

it's been a while since i have done a compilation like this but i dont wanna clog the dash and it's all about the same thing so here we goooo

Jensen did everything in his power to stomp the J*2 narrative into dust this weekend. Love that journey for him!

listen, i am not one to be petty (lol okay sometimes i am, ngl) but.... the difference was SO stark this time, it has to be said

I was obviously hoping for some good cockles content this con, but this has exceeded everything I could have thought of lol. Amazing.

my expectations were pretty managed after we got interrupted so early last time, but this indeed exeeded everything!!

Gonna have a difficult week... And difficult four months until I leave work... But I'm so hyped but today's Cockles nothing's gonna stop me - tea anon

i'm sorry you are gonna face some hard times <3 you know i am here when you want to talk! thankfully jenmish gave us enough seretonin for a life time hdgfhdg

First we get Mish. Dee. Now we have Jensen, Danneel and their boyfriend Misha. Truly could not have predicted them being *that* unhinged but I do love to see it! Going to need about 10 business days to process it all though lmaoooo - Honeymoon Anon

you and me both!!

The thing is, there is absolutely no reason for them to act like that, none. like, can you imagine jensen making that kind of jokes toward jp lmaoooo he'd rather unalive himself💀 but then again, misha is his close friend so , what's the difference hmmm🫠 they are driving me insane Rose

*kermit nodding gif* yeah..... it is a lot lmfaooo

“tell jensen i mentioned him first”

twitter.com/misskittybsdc/status/1630013886844764160?s=46&t=oQYacDuBE2cwV9RJV-7UJg

they wanna score points with the big boss ghdhgh

Rose it's 5 am and I haven't slept yet and I am so not normal about this. I have been around a lot of JIBs so I knew what was coming. Yet, I still am so overwhelmed by everything that happened. I have watched the cockles panel twice by now. Some scenes I have definitely watched more than 20 times. I have perceived more and more details every time I rewind. Jensen Ackles butt wiggling. Him winking at Misha. That weird expression on his face when he made a wish. The movement of chairs, which is, of course - as it always is every JIB - closer together. The weird non-improvisation of the improvisation. Daniela coming in with the CW sniper in the form of a birthday cake to stop Jensen coming out as Misha Collins' boyfriend. Not to mention all the other big things that happened. Canary? Kissing Misha? When in Rome??? The preparation of Misha's 50th birthday party. Misha and Jensen playing an European puppet show with Misha shouting "Dieter I love you! Kiss me Dieter". Rose. Jensen said Misha is Danneel's boyfriend. Jensen said Misha is his boyfriend. The underbear and straddlegate have walked so that this Jibcon panel could run. How am I supposed to sleep? I am not even attending a convetion yet the convention high is keeping me restless. I feel like I need a continuation. Like this was a series finale with a cliffhanger that needs to be resolved. Like there are things that need to come up so this can settle. I have been a cockles perceiver since years yet my patience is limited right now. I mean if I wait a day or two I know it will wear of. It always does. But the boyfriend will stay. Right here with us.

- anon anon (you know who I am)

ahhhhh i totally feel you!! i had to physically make myself go to bed last night because i had to get up early, but it took a LOT to finally go to bed and i slept poorly ngl hfgdhhg i hope you did manage to get some sleep though!! and oof. what a year yesterday was!!!

Also @ all the other anons, I remember you guys, too!!! ♥️ I don't know if you remember me though haha

- anon anon

ahww i'm sure they do!! <3

You Know what i have realised. This weekend have felt like a fan fic of dean and cas but instead of reading it i was watching it.

you're not wrong!!

Ok also at the end of angeles he glances at misha then suddenly stops playing and looks away sooooo bashful. Did you show too much jensen? Did you get nervous when you made eye contact???

👻anon

head in my fucking hands!!!!! jensen.... sweetie....... why sing that song huh????? answer quickly (also hiiii omg love seeing you in my inbox!!)

jensen singing angeles with misha there watching (and at some points singing directly to misha) seems like fanfic AND YET…

and yet..........

[caluski]

ive made myself hot chocolate wine. hot wine chocolate maybe. its mostly hot chocolate and some wine... i only added a little because i havent made hot wine in a long time now, i was worried id evaporate the alcohol and make it gross. but it turned out fine and its good, maybe next time ill make some with spices. maybe replace oat milk with some other one... i think cashew might be good, maybe if i spot it on sale somewhere. with cinnamon maybe, with slices of orange? orange matches both chocolate and wine, why wouldn't it work with both at the same time. i wish i could spend an hour or so in the kitchen, making different infusions that i could try with someone else. its always so much more fun to try new things with another person.

i dont really mind drinking alone, since i already usually do it while watching something or writing. but i do really really miss drinking coffee or tea with other people. i miss talking to people so very very much. i talk so much.. if one somehow hasnt figured it out yet from the absolute fucking abundance of long posts on my blog, but i really do love talking. my big problem is that i talk so much, that my hot drinks cool down before i get to take a sip or two. im really horrible at keeping that balance between being caught up with the conversation and drinking. although i never really have much to say, i keep repeating the stories ive already told a million times before, and i say silly stuff, and i complain about a lot of things, and i get sidetracked constantly. not really in like, adorable or quirky way, i can imagine it must be annoying for the other people in the conversation, especially when i get too excited and interrupt people and dont listen very well. i think its one of those things i wanna improve about myself.

yesterday, as i was walking home through the centre of the city, i was horribly in need of coffee, it was so cold and i was in a good mood, and i only had weak green tea that morning, and since it was still pretty early in the day, the cafes had some free spots. but i walked in, looked around, and walked out. its like everything reminds me of loneliness these days, and when i got inside, tables were all taken by couples or groups. i dont think it was a sign of anything, but it made me so awfully bitter. i know loneliness doesnt make me special, i know literally everyone experiences it to some degree, but god, it really hurts to look around and see that despite everything, people always have someone out there. a best friend, a significant other, family member, whatever.

theres that stupid thing everyone always repeats, "theres always someone out there who loves you, even if you dont know about it". i used to hold onto that desperately, but its so dumb. unrealistic and dumb. it makes you hope that maybe right now youre alone, but once you'll be at your rock bottom, SOMEONE will magically show up and say, i care for you, and i will be by your side to support you, or whatever. but then you hit the rock bottom and theres nothing, or better yet, someone you had hoped would stay with you suddenly says "i have anxiety and seasonal affective disorder, i cant be around you or ill get worse, too", and you dont want them to get worse because of you, of course you dont. theyre being reasonable, and you know that, and you cant do anything about it. even if you do guilt-trip them into staying, would that even really help, if they resented you for it secretly for the rest of their life.

a week ago or so ive walked into a cafe, as well, but i got so overwhelmed that i had to pretend to look around which tables are free, and left right away. just brought in mud and puddles, probably, since it was such a snowy day. i worry that one day ill be better, but i wont be able to step foot inside a cafe anymore, because it will remind me of nothing but the days when it was just me and self-loathing. not that i can really afford cafes anymore, but i cant think about that now. or worse, that ill never get better, and ill never get to experience it again, the presence of another person by my side, having coffee or tea or desserts, and talking and laughing and maybe even flirting. that thought makes me nauseous, but i know its likely. it kind of sounds like not much to wish for, but it feels almost too perfect to ever be possible - not only to have money for that in the first place, but also a person who cares for you enough to want to be around you, to want to talk to you or listen to you, a person who wont tell you "we can go out, but i have only an hour" and then leave after 20 minutes because it turns out in that hour was included their ride back home.

i keep thinking, one day ill find someone, one day i wont be lonely anymore and then ill let it all out of my system. but i know its silly, because by the time ill find someone, ill forget how to really be a person, how to have a conversation. i talk to myself a lot, in my head, but its not enough, it doesnt really feel like anything. i write a diary, i write short stories, i write posts on this stupid blog, but nothing feels like talking to another person, and its awful. my memory is far worse, i stutter more and more with each passing year, im being more and more awkward in such an uncomfortable and humiliating way, that it only makes my brain scream at me to shut up forever. i know why my family doesnt want to talk to me, im more unpleasant than ive ever been. i know its unfair to be blaming them for not wanting me around; they stopped asking about anything, recently, because i cant stop crying whenever they start the topic of job search. i cry too much these days. i had to stop showing up to my favorite grocery store, because theyve seen me too many times all wet-eyed. and i cant help it anymore! i know im still human, i know im not a victim, i know my suffering isnt greater than anyone else's. but something has changed and i cant imagine getting better, anymore. or at least going back to who i used to be. theres no hope anymore! and if theres no hope for me anymore, what do i do? "just surviving" isnt neutral, its horrible, its painful, its a nightmare. i dont want my life to look like this. i dont know what to do anymore. and ive said it a thousand times, i know, but its the only thing i have floating around in my useless empty head. i miss hope. i miss believing that i could still be happy, one day. and i know that was stupid, too, i can see it now, but at least it was something to hold onto.

i miss being around people. i miss it so much. i miss talking to people so horribly. i miss laughing and i miss being held. i dont need all this cortisol. i dont want to forget what it feels like to not be alone. but the more i want it, the more out of reach everything feels, the more unrealistic even the simplest things seem. i might as well be dreaming of living in alternate universe fanfiction.

[actualbird]

mental eelness musings. not depressing (i think) just. i figured out a thing.

taking care of yourself becomes very very difficult when youre afflicted with self loathing. like, thats obvious. on my very bad days, i'll think "everything sucks and i hate myself but i havent eaten in a while i should get on that to make things suck less" but the immediate internal counter-attack is "WHY would i wanna feed The Me. we hate that guy!" rinse repeat for every other possible Thing That Needs Doing That Would Make Stuff Suck A Bit Less. self loathing. i hate that guy that needs to be taken care of by me, i hate the me thats not taking care of that guy we hate taking care of. it's an endless ouroborous of hatred and continuing misery. and ive seen others who have found the method of imagining a younger version of yourself to be helpful, that self kindness becomes easier when they picture themselves as a child who yearns for that kindness their present self can give to themselves, via this method. thats really great and im glad that works for people, but it doesnt work for me, because i also hate that kid. that kid thats me. i think hes an idiot, i wouldnt be nice to him or care for him because i hate him, and he hates me too because im not nice to him nor care for him, and so we're back at square one. because my self loathing still recognizes the Child as Me, and anything thats me is to hated by me

what ended up being more helpful to me in taking care of myself, in my experience, was not thinking of myself at all.

which sounds bad but like.....so most of the people on this blog know that ive got luke plushie (and other plushies too) and i love that silly little boy with all my heart. there is of course the glaring obviousness that i relate to luke as a character and project onto him, i love him despite the fact there are parts of himself that i see in him. yeah thats deffo a factor, that i managed to trick my brain into loving a thing thats ostensibly certain parts of me, but by proxy. though thats not the thing i wanna talk about,

im talking about luke plushie specifically because hes a tangible object. so like, i take care of him. i like taking care of him. he brings me joy even if hes just a plushie and this sounds very childish but i like to do things that will make him happy; i'll keep my desk clean and orderly so his spot on it is kept tidy, i'll take a break from working to have coffee with him placed by close cuz it's like hes taking a break too, i'll go out sometimes not because i particularly want to but because i think it'd be fun to bring him out and that he'll have a nice time and i can take pictures to chronicle the day.

voila, i managed to do Things That Make Stuff Suck A Bit Less. i dont let my desk become an overwhelming mess that becomes a detriment to my mood, i get an ingestible substance in my system every once in a while due to the coffee with plushie routine, and i avoid holing up and isolating myself at home because i want luke plushie to have a nice lunch out.

theres my cat too, gato, whos actually a better example because hes an actual living creature. he likes to cuddle up to me whenever im outside in the garden, and that means he gets me to see the sun even on days i dont want to move. he likes the cuddles and i like giving the cuddles because i like him. me getting up from what couldve been the start of a depressive episode was halted in the process of that, because gato wants his cuddles. and i like giving that to him.

another thing is im usually outside with gato whenever i take a smoke break, and there are days i'll chain smoke an entire pack in one sitting because i hate myself and destroying the health of the person i hate is thing that i want to do because i hate myself. but i cant do that very much now. because gato wants his cuddles so hes close to me outside, and when theres too smoke around him, his face scrunches up in dismay. i dont want to make him uncomfortable or give him secondhand smoke. because i like him. if me hurting the person i hate comes with the caveat of also hurting the cat i love, then the hate takes a backseat. i love my cat more. i love my silly little plushie more.

my point is that my self loathing is a horridly self obsessed creature. which is why thinking of different "versions" of myself doesnt help me very much, because it stays within the internal realm of me, the thing i hate. whats helped is external things that are not me, and loving those things more than hating myself. for this to work, i cant feed into the self loathing's internality. it cant be me. it has to be someone else.

this is deffo not like, a cure all or whatever (if it was then i shld be much uhhhhhhhhhh better SDFVKSDHFKSDJH). but it helps, especially with the more mundane self care things. like, this gets me feeding myself, that bastard i hate so much, because shut up we're putting that on hold because it's been too long since ive shared a snack with luke plush, so we're having a goddamn snack with him because itll make him happy.

[prince-tulip]

I need to stop trying to be everything for everyone.

I cant let go of people, i have a severe abandonment issue that has gone too far. My reality became so blurry, with so many people wanting things from me..cognitive distortions and people pleasing stemming from overwhelming guilt and shame and fear..living off defense mechanisms first..

Its like if ive done wrong to you, i feel I have to be punished and be exactly whoever to whomever person im involved with. Which that plays into daily life, i feel I always have to be how they want me to be, im HEAVILY influenced by the world and often times in bad ways, its a big reason i dont just live my life.. Not to say either that i dont have genuine emotions and love for literally anyone ive loved or even if they hurt me and are toxic, i won't leave. When something i cant handle happens, i look for an escape route maybe? But i know i don't actually want to leave or cut someone off..My feelings become caught in a bundle of wires, words become misdirected, impulsive and if i have a trauma bond with you, subconscious feelings and past events come screaming at my face, confusing my reality more, saying and doing things i shouldn't. All things ive tried so hard to heal from..i have so much love to give and I think overall just genuine connection is what im looking for..even if thats just as friends with whoever my sentiment gets the best of me too, i feel as if everything must mean something but thats just not true and its going to keep killing me if i think like that...that's the big question..

What does connection mean to me? What form do i want it in and how can i better understand how to communicate with my loved ones or future companions? Growing up it was always soulmate, marriage, kids, happy life but i dont think(as of right now, i do hope one day) that the typical life isn't for me..societys need to be perfect, to be perceived as happy and successful, forcing a life out of want oppose to need..i dont understand..

Maybe though..just maybe nothing can grow if you dont allow it to and thats a fault on me.."here comes the contradiction" lmao...*insert*

Could i just be honest and communicate how i properly feel? Yes..but with how my mental illness is, i dont know how i feel. Every thought, perspective, moral is just contradictory. Every second. Its a constant battle of not self destructing, hurting people, picking fights, loss of interest, feeling numb, thinking every is meant for a reason when its not that fucking serious. Its not just negative moods either. Happiness comes in big waves that feel uncomfortable, pleasure feels wrong, like i dont deserve it, in any form.

Im riddled with guilt and regrets..

I feel torn through out time, belonging to people from different points in my life, struggling to feel whole and until i do, especially when it comes to love, romance and building together.

I cant have those, it burns me out. I focus too much on them, then burn out which causes problems and personal anger, sadness, resentment in everyone involved..

I never understood i had a need for validation but oh god, how i understand now..I never understood cognitive distortion but oh god, how i understand now..i never understood how to truly express myself and my desires..but how i understand now..too late... Ironically.

My honest intentions questioned due to my lack of mental understanding, a lack of time perception, a lack of being able to sift through my emotions of how i truly feel, a lack of being able to realize i dont need to people please, a lack of realizing i dont have boundaries for myself or others, a lack of not being able to not self destruct, if i hurt or disappointed someone i feel i need to fix things and be someone that i actually dont really wanna be but i end up filling that role because i need to fix something or i just have a personality switch and im saying and doing things i really don't mean, its so polarizing and its no ones fault, its so much my fault....

I now realize i do not need to feel like i need to be punished..or that i dont deserve good things...The lack of not letting things be natural, not letting things just happen, always fear driven and being controlled by my defense mechanisms. This overwhelming guilt, shame and disgust i harbor in my heart of all the wrongs ive ever made, it all haunts me and im so familiar with it, its almost if thats all i will feel my life, as if thats what i subconsciously wanted...not needed..i didn't need this..but here i am..

[weabooweedwitch]

are you gonna ask your friend to be your bf 🥺

I've thought about it 👉👈 but I don't think it's realistically a good time for me, or for either of us really, since he's working really hard towards school and he already told me his current goal is going to take the next 5 years? I feel so all over the place and... not put together. I'm getting a start on adulthood pretty late and i dont have a lot to show for myself, no savings and no inspiration for a career, and i still have to get my GED. I'm really struggling a lot with procrastination and impulse control, for multiple things like eating and shopping. I'm kind of sitting around a lot and not getting a lot done; i hate how I've been spending most of my free time.

I guess I would want to really better myself and improve a lot first? But I've thought of bringing it up to him, like maybe when we see each other again 👉👈 but the thing is, is, I feel like, unless he felt really strongly about it, about us, I feel like it would be really unfair to, basically ask him to wait for me, because right now neither of us are really where we want to be in life and I'm not as self sufficient as I'd like. I feel like I'd be cutting him off from other people and other possible partners that might make him more happy while I'm trying to become worthy of him (in my eyes)

I also have to consider "is it him, or just his male approval and he's the first man to give me attention like this" but there really is a lot about him I like, i feel like he inspires me to be a better person, but I also recognize I've never really dealt with this stuff so my heart is easily swayed, and there's still a lot we don't know about each other. So I dunno. I've been thinking a lot and I'm getting older and I have to decide what I want to do with my life and the people I want to keep in it.

I guess if I were to ask him, I'd at least want to have some things going for me first. I was thinking just today of how i should be trying to take the next step forward in my life and what I'd like to do is, file my tax return and put the entire thing in a new savings account and let that collect interest, have passive income from that, and I'd actually like to get a credit card to start building my credit? I keep trying to put off things to do it all in one big purchase when I could be making credit card payments? Like I've been wanting a new computer for years and there are a lot of personal goals and things that would require one and it would be more realistic if I try to make credit card payments instead of trying to save up one lump sum, but I would also have to make sure to not overwhelm myself with that, which is why I don't have one already

Gjfmfjgk long answer is long but, I think for now I just want to focus on trying to better myself, because right now I feel like if I entered a relationship, we couldn't be equals because of where I'm at and what I can and can't do. But maybe I'll shoot the shit with him and say something dumb and cheesy like in the medias where one person turns to another and says "hey, if we're still single in the next 5 years, wanna get together?" 👉👈

[bibookmerm]

getting my shit together

Ok, first of all: there are several skills I lack that it is becoming apparent I need to learn/improve.

One is driving. My wife and I are looking to get our first car. She needs it for work. She drives. Our roommate drives. But I dont. And I was just talking to my friend about how we can never get our friends together bc most of us dont drive/dont have cars. We need more gays that can drive, so I have to step up, lol.

Two. I need to feel confident hand sewing. It's not that I "cant". I know how to thread a needle and do a backstitch, running stitch, whip stitch. But I am very slow bc I havent had much practice, so it annoys me, so I avoid it. I have a dozen little fixes I could do and I should do those. People who sew regularly can do these things in like 10 seconds. I wanna be them.

Three. I need to learn to swallow pills BEFORE my top surgery in March so I dont have to be like "do u have liquid painkiller 🥺" because what if they're like "no". And also, needing an alternative is pricey. (this is something where I believe my disability comes in. Coordinating my muscles in new ways OR more quickly than usual is difficult for me. Like of course I swallow food every day, but normally I take my time chewing first, so to place something in my mouth and quickly swallow it feels daunting. That's the best way I can explain it. Just feels like a different ball game lol. My pcp gave me a trick to try, so I will try it.)

.

The other thing is, I am at a level of stress I personally find untenable. I am not wading through any major personal tragedy at this moment, so honestly I feel kinda like. Damn. Why is ~everything so hard~? Am I being dramatic? What happens when shit truly hits the fan if I am already unstable now? Well, I clearly need to put some measures in place now so I can tread water.

Such as:

Establishing a baseline level of cleanliness/clutter for the apartment. Aim for everything to be above that baseline most of the time, but understand sometimes it will sink to that level when something else must be prioritized above household chores for a minute. In its current state, I'm embarrassed to invite anyone over here. I want the baseline to be just, what I could deal with someone seeing. If I don't feel comfy having someone sit at my kitchen table or couch for an afternoon, it's too messy. I need to specifically write down the "acceptable level", get it up to that, and keep it there/above. This could also be a conversation with my wife and roommate to be clear on what everyone defines as acceptable and all work to keep it at whoever's ideal is highest.

Buying some wardrobe staples. My clothes not fitting is uncomfortable. I expect to gain more weight as I stay on T, sooo I should get some stuff that's a little loose now?

I've noticed I need more gender validation. I get misgendered constantly, working two public facing jobs, and I've started thinking some self depreciating thoughts. Maybe I need to work harder to counter these things within myself and not seek it from others, but yeah, this is one reason I need therapy. I had such a positive self image like a year ago and I'm losing it :/

Challenge my social anxiety. Another thing it's a good idea to have a therapist's guidance in. I feel so overwhelmed that I forget quality time with friends helps me recharge! I need to balance draining peopleing with healthy peopleing.

There's more, but if I can do this much, the stressors I cannot change should be easier to bear. Now to actually go set all the things in motion.

[riewritten]

what do you do when inspiration suddenly hits you? like do you just memorize it in ur head or note it somewhere or do u work on that idea immediately?? im very very curious about ur creative process PLEASE OVERSHARE because i believe there are things that are new to me. like you write and draw and it's amazing how tou do both! i'm more curious about ur writing process because i don't write much (nowadays i only journal or write diary entries, in the past i did write fanfictions but they're almost all oneshots or unplanned dropped after 2 or 3 chapters). (how) do you plan your storyline? do you consider yourself flexible (like are u comfortable with changing plans in a big project where one change could lead to other changes?). Do you beta read by yourself or is there anyone who does it? if you do it by yourself, what do you feel when re-reading your writings? i literally have sm questions but i don't wanna overwhelm you 😭😭😭 you don't need to answer if you don't want to, that's alright!!!

when u said i could overshare

for whenever the inspiration hits, i tend to start on it immediately. writing is such a mood booster for me and i'm in a low mood most of the time so i seize the moment whenever motivation comes :'D sometimes when i'm busy (let's say school/work) and a great idea pops in (usually in quote format), i just lay it down in my gdocs. for oneshots, 1 doc would suffice. for longfics, the docs per chapter are contained in a folder.

i don't think i'm great in fan arts (i just get the boost from those who draw well—like u!) so i'm glad you appreciate it as well <3

regarding my writing process, someone actually asked me about it before! but to generalize my answer there, i ponder on 3 things (plot, characterization, & chapter study). my first fic (and my first series in general) was dusk in the brightest. i worked on chapter study first: detailed sequence of events from C1-10, vague concept in 11-15, then the rest is just 2-3 sentences of how i want the story to end. the 2nd one, character study, was smth i learned from a professor in one of my subjects when i submitted a one-act play script to her and she heavily criticized my characterization (like so badly i still get jitters remembering it) 😭 since then, i've been very wary with getting things accurate and consistent with my characters. for my plot-heavy fics, that's what i'm most serious for.

i think my flexibility (i dont even think i got that) was v challenged during the last arc of DIB because i suddenly had a complete change of mind with the ending (exactly what u had mentioned: changes that would lead one thing to the other). it was def not comfortable but a great tip (i think) to work around it is that: go back to your earlier chapters, pick up the most random scenarios you had made, then come up with a reason why that random thing ensued. an example of executing it is how isayama worked around aot's first scene (child!eren crying & mikasa being the first one he sees) by connecting it to his last scene in the manga (ofc i wouldn't assume isayama just thought abt it midway. it's just with how he executed it).

i don't have lots of friends in this app so i usually do the revisions all by myself. i'm a type of author that releases chapters impulsively—i'd publish smth that i hadn't proofread yet, read it in the app, then just do all the editing there. i'll repeat the process until i finally get satisfied. i think it's easier for me to point out mistakes when i feel the urgency to do so (like omg i have to hurry in polishing this bc readers might click anytime soon 😭) though someone helped me change POVs (from 1st to 2nd) in DIB C1-13 and let me tell u that i never thought having someone help me beta read my work could bring me so much delight.

and pls don't worry about overwhelming me! using this app and dumping all my work here are literally what keeps me sane from the overwhelming things in my life atm. to have u appreciate it gives me joy & comfort. thats why i'd be honored to answer all of ur questions :'D