#when i know it'll take me like 20 mins tops

[qvietspvce]

mm. want pasta. do not want to make pasta. impasse.

[huitzilinthebudgie3]

Nuestra Flor

Summary : Marc had a shitty day…and suddenly there's a Baby waiting at his doorstep………

What's Marc gonna do ? What's a guy to do ?

Notes : I know it's kinda out of order but , my minds kinda like a squirrel and this is kinda theraputic for me. I hope you guys like it , because it's not really what is seen in Para ti Papa..this is just a bit into how i think Marc , Steven and possibly Jake would've handled raising a baby girl.

And i know it's not mentioned but , it is not as canon to the show as it should be…i caught it and Steven and Marc know about eachother….but Jake is still hidden.

So it'll be interesting …..

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Marc was having a shitty day , he was getting home from work. He had to make dinner before Layla got home …he had laundry…a room and bed to clean ….he sighed slumping down onto the couch down and someone was ringing the doorbell. He frowned and sighed walking over to said door as he opened it glancing around to find it empty. Before he was met with small coos…he blinked at the small bundle wrapped in a bright red soft blanket that was wrapped with a teal and gold quilt that supported the baby in the carrier. The baby was blowing raspberries and cooing to itself as it stared at him with a curious look before giggling and kicking it’s small plush toy out of the carrier. 

Marc frowned, leaning down to read the note on the baby’s lap, as the baby babbled at him reaching out to touch him as he shrunk back and read the note that had a birth certificate. Social Security and all the paperwork that a baby its age would need to travel.

The note made Marc glance from the note back to the baby as he repeated the action twice before sighing deeply “There is no way , your mine” he murmured before flipping to the next page with a full blown paternity test confirming that he was indeed the father of said baby.

He sighed as he shut the door and getting ready to call the cops to take the baby as he threw the papers down. Well as soon as the door closed , the speed and sound of the old heavy door was enough to make a loud slamming noise that apparently startled the baby as it began wailing at the top of their lungs. 

His already shitty day was much worse as it didn’t stop after 5 minutes..nor 10 mins or 15..and at 20 it did stop but , he was curious so sue him. He opened the door to find the baby sniffling as it whined for the small plush. The baby according to her birth certificate was around 4 months old , and according to the note…sent to him as a last resort. To let the little one to get to know her father, as her mother apparently (Shitty mother in Marc’s opinion) couldn’t keep her and knew she deserved better. 

So he sighed grabbing his keys to at the very least leave her at the Fire Station. Give her a chance to live a normal life with whichever family member was written on the letter. 

And he was mind made up , on the steps of the fire station when the baby babbled softly reaching out with big wide brown eyes touching his hand before giggling at his attention and fixed him with a toothy smile (as much as a 4 month old could manage). 

 Fate has a really crazy way of throwing you hurdles…for Marc it was Steven fronting as soon as the baby touched his hand. Emotionally he couldn’t handle the idea of his blood in the broken system possibly suffering just as much as he did to someone not related to her or even getting dealt a worse hand as he sighed mentally letting Steven take the reigns. So he decided to take her to a family member and ensure she was safe with said family member. 

*2 weeks later*

It was interesting that the baby had appropriate traveling documents , as he stared at the baby . He’d purchased a set of clothes for it according to age and food, it didn’t like the car. He was currently in a diner eating breakfast as the baby cooed happily in his direction …so far other than being car-sick or teething it seemed , it wasn’t a very cry crybaby. 

“Aww she’s cute , how old is she ?” Marc quirked a brow “4 months ?” he said as the waitress hummed “Oh i’ll just wait for your mama , pumpkin” she smiled booping her nose as the baby yawned stretching out to bat at her toys hanging from the handle “Oh just us , we’re heading to visit mama” he explained. 

The waitress nodded, taking his order as he stared at the baby again “Don’t go getting attached , half-pint. You're going straight back to your mom or whoever's at this address” he said firmly as the baby giggled and kicked in excitement. She babbled in excitement but not yet having the articulation to quite form cohort sentences. 

Steven was strongly against taking the baby back to her other family members or back to her own mother. He also called the baby by its name clearly looking to get attached in his opinion. 

Marc sighed distracted by his ringing phone that had Layla’s contact…ringing and eventually stopping as another voicemail found it’s way into his contacts. In the grand age of 2008 , this baby couldn’t have chosen a worse time to make their presence known. He glared wondering exactly where this baby came from , Steven had no recollection of being with someone or even getting intimate…which Marc confirmed …as Steven ..had yet to get a girlfriend. 

And Marc had only been with Layla for months…except the kidnapped…and drunken portion of the…past few months before Layla had saved him. 

…..

…..

…..

… And suddenly this small being before him made sense…clearly he’d been with someone..he’d put that together a few days ago……………..

But how the hell was he going to explain that one ? To his wife , when it’d been his fault to begin with that he’d taken and more so that ….*sigh* he didn’t have time for this.

The small little being was cute..he had to give her credit for that “Flora..what kinda name is that ?” he murmured as the baby cooed at that reaching out for him “Flora…you look more like a y/n …but i’m not keeping ya..so thats that” he sighed drinking the black coffee as she blew a raspberry his way. 

*2 months later*

He finally found the mother of the baby , he was currently trying to talk her into keeping the baby….but she ignored him and kept walking. Refusing to acknowledge him before he set the baby down “Hey i returned her ! I’m married , you psycho !” the woman quirked a brow…she was beautiful in way that was different to Marc.And it hurt Marc…for some unknown reason…well at the time…that he could see how torn she was as she squated down and caressed the baby's cheek. Cooing words of love and affection as the baby giggled , knowing the face and kindness of her mother as she reached out ..probably craving it from a lack of it in a month. He could tell that her soul was hurting as she glared at him “I can’t keep her…she’s your responsibility now.” she said firmly “You must swear that she must never been an avatar” she said softly as Marc snorted “I’m an avatar smart ass” the woman rolled her eyes “Pues si pendejo ! I’m talking about Khonshu…Khonshu has a soft spot. He has no relation to her outside of her being your daughter. My deity is related distantly …and unlike Khonshu…she will never be able to be free of mine. I do not give her to you lightly!” the woman yelled as the baby cried out at that as the woman sighed deeply. 

Her anger melting away as she picked her up briefly rocking her gently muttering a small lullaby , Marc presumed as she walked over to him “I can’t have her live my life. And i can tell her soul and heart will be kind…she will be unable to deny her birthright” she sighed softly “And as much i want to keep her and see the person she grows into…i can’t…she can’t be tied to me . I fear he’ll be able to claim her” she said softly “So take , my sweet little flor. And grow her into the strong little rose bush that she will be” she said softly as tears dripped down her cheeks “Because i know my father will , and if you want he can help..but as the current avatar until i have a child or i die..i’ll be the avatar of my god” she sniffled setting the baby into his arms. 

Marc hadn’t even realized that he was crying until the woman kissed their daughter cheek and left apologizing once again. 

*2 months later*

Marc sighed as he sat in his and Steven’s shared apartment …he let Steven front over…and so far so good. He helped from time to time…and they had the baby and were going to try and get used to her and the idea of her before bringing Layla into this…because it was a pretty fucked situation no matter how you spun it…….

And the baby just barfed on herself…sigh…whelp enough journaling for today. 

Talk to you soon , Baby Girl. 

I hope you know I love you , and even if i’m not around…and if our start together wasn’t the greatest…i love you , bud…

….My Y/n

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End Notes :

Thank you again for reading , let me know if you like it.

Here's a link to my AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/users/Huitzilinthebudgie

And have a wonderful day or night :)

[chaosxtales]

03, January, 2024 Art Blog.

Just wanted my thoughts about first experiences here really.

I decided to try out alcohol markers. This first one was done on a sketchbook brand that I don't know with Caliart brush/chisel nibs and Shuttle Art fine/chisel nibs using Zebra pens for the lines. I haven't really ever used markers seriously, let alone alcohol markers, so I was really testing things out only really having watched a billion videos on others using them with or without talking about techniques or process.

This second one was done in the marker pad provided with the Shuttle Art markers.

In the first one, I'm not used to drawing so big and I lined before coloring and the Zebra pens smeared a bit from the markers because they weren't designed for that. It's not a surprise to me as I knew this was a possibility, but I had fun regardless.

I did the first one also in about 15/20 mins so it was mostly to get a "feel" for the markers. It was also the first thing of the day I did, so should have warmed up.

The second piece was done a bit after the first one on the marker pad included. Not sure how I felt about the marker paper as it was my first experience using that kind of paper. I also did it differently. I sketched it out, colored it and then used the zebra pens over the top allowing me to not worry as much about the smearing and take my time and I think the paper allowed it to come out more smooth.

I found out, I'm not used to working light to dark whatsoever. So that's something I need to work on. Usually I go in with base color, then darker, then lighter. I even do this with paints. But markers are obviously different. I have used brush markers (black ones that is) and with being used to painting, those were a lot easier to handle. I love the way brush to paper feels and I don't know if that'll ever change as my favorite having started painting before anything else.

I am also not sure how well the different brands play together as my blending skills are.. non-existent at this stage and didn't try too much, but they didn't seem to fight each other when layering. I just think I need more time spent exploring them, but so far, they both worked really well and this was a lot of fun. Hopefully I can work my way up and really dive into them, but we will see.

-Maize

These posts will be irregular likely and for now, it'll be just thoughts I find I have and want to get out. Mostly to become better at talking about and describing art. Sort of a way to get my thoughts out in a place where I feel it's more appropriate to. I don't expect anyone to read these, but I hope they become better structured in the future for those that feel they want to. I want to document my art journey is all since I have more words than most want to hear about art. So.. a diary? A journal? I don't know, maybe just an exploration of thoughts.

[torislander]

rant

the worst part about being emotionally empathetic is that i cannot control it.

every video i watch makes me cry; videos of someone who lost a loved one, videos of animals, videos about someone being murdered, videos of people dancing, videos of people scoring a goal in a game, videos of war, videos of someone singing, videos of someone winning something, videos of people having fun.

it literally doesn't matter, i cry over everything.

i love it when people are really good at the things they love so i always cry over happy videos where someone is just casually doing really well at something that they like.

i also cry when other people cry, whether it's happy or sad or otherwise, if someone else tears up i will too.

i spend half of my time at home crying.

i cry during every movie i watch. i can probably count on one hand how many movies didn't make me cry. i even cry during like crappy low-budget films that absolutely should not make anyone cry.

if i hear someone arguing with someone else and it's very clear that one of them is in the wrong and the other one is just being horrible, i will literally cry out of frustration for that person.

i just get really sad for other people.

i cry the most when i don't have the comprehension of what someone is going through. so sad stuff where someone talks about how their friend died or how their boyfriend was murdered or how their country is at war. i have never experienced death at all, let alone war, therefore i have almost zero comprehension of what that could possibly feel like and then i just sob.

i saw a video earlier today of a girl sharing texts from her little sister who is presumed dead in palestine (the little sister is abt ten) and she was saying goodbye to her older sister because she knew she was going to die, so naturally i cried and cried while reading these texts because no one, let alone a child, should have to be kept awake by the sound of bombs wondering when (not if) one is going to hit her. anyway, i was reading comments and some people were like "this almost made me cry, that's so sad" or "omg i teared up at this, i'm so sorry for your loss", as i was literally on the verge of hyperventilating...

i'm obviously not judging anyone cause not everyone cries over these things and that doesn't mean they don't feel as horrible about it as i do, but i just literally don't know what it's like to not cry over something like that.

i also cry for myself sometimes when i tell a story of something that happened to me.

at work we swap stories all the time and sometimes they're like sadder things that happened to us (we don't trauma dump or anything, no one ever cries when sharing it's just stuff that were maybe not Over but we're more or less past (or it's just easy to talk about))(but sometimes they'll tell me a story of something that happened to them and it'll make me tear up and i have to pretend to go grab something so i can wipe them away loll)

but one time i was telling them this story about the last job i had where i worked last thanksgiving. we had a super long line out the door all day because people were picking up their pre orders and stuff (it was a bbq restaurant and we sold smoked hams on holidays that ppl would pre order). so anyway, so bc all of the orders were already in the system their order slips wouldn't print out when i check them in. i had to manually go in and re print it so it would send it to the kitchen so they would know what order to grab. some orders would take longer than others if they ordered to pick it up warm and got a lot of stuff, so it wasn't unusual for someone to sit there for twenty minutes (tops) while they waited.

this one lady came in and i forgot to fucking send her order slip to the kitchen. after abt 20 minutes i notice her sitting there staring at me and she looks pissed but a lot of people who came in that day got pissed when they had to wait 20 min because people are stupid. anyway so i kinda just ignored it bc i figured it'd be out in a minute and also i was super busy. another 20 min go by and i look up and she's sitting there and i was like "oh shit. i fucked up." meanwhile this lady is just sitting there scowling at me ten feet away. (now mind you, she did not at any point come up to me and question me or go up to any of my coworkers to question it, she chose to just sit there all pissed off for 40 min) so i kinda waved her over and i was like "have you still not gotten your order" which obvs she didn't so i was like "omg im so so so sorry, this is all my fault, i did this, i feel so bad, i am going to go tell them to drop everything and make yours real quick" which is exactly what i did, i went and begged the kitchen to drop their orders and make hers (knowing that they'd be pissed w me and they were but i didn't care) and her order was out in like three minutes. i offered her cake i offered her a drink and i continually apologized profusely to this woman bc i felt horrible about it. i felt so horrible abt it that i started to cry. in her face. i had to go into the kitchen to the back for like a quick sec to wipe away my tears and pull myself together.

but yeah, it was my fault and even though this woman didn't use her words and ask me abt her order for forty minutes which obvs was weird i still felt horrible and cried bc i was mad at myself For Her.

anyway, my whole point is that i was telling my current coworkers this like two months ago AS A FUNNY STORY AND I STARTED CRYING WHEN I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE PART WHERE I APOLOGIZED TO HER LIKE WTF IS WRONG W ME ITS A FUNNY STORY AND IT DOESNT EVEN MAKE ME SAD I WAS JUST SO FRUSTRATED WITH MYSELF BC SHE WAS FRUSTRATED WITH ME THAT IT STILL MAKES ME CRY.

i dont know what i'm talking about anymore so i'll shut up but i'm just saying i cry too much.

[jeongjaebae]

hi sweetie! i saw u went to the-b zone in newark and i was wondering how long the concert lasted... i'm going to see tbz in paris but i need someone to pick me up after the concert and i don't know when they should come :/ i guess it'll last approx 2h i'm not sure... could u help me pls?

hi!! yup the concert is about 2 hours long! might take a while for them to finish up the encore and for people to get out so i'd say maybe add 15-20 mins on top of that (i checked the timestamps on my pics and i got out at like 10:20pm haha). but yeahh HAVE FUN!!! it's gonna be greaaaat omg i'm excited for you 🤩

[seafoamrogue]

I'm so tired of all the overly complex sourdough bread methods and recipes I've seen. If you're baking for fun and the amount of different tecniques out there has your head spinning like it did mine, here's a basic recipe that will work, and you can modify as you like.

90g mature starter

350g warm water

Mix these two until the starter is pretty dissolved in the water

Add:

520g flour

10g salt

Whatever additives you like, if any

Mix with a spoon or your hand if it's easier

Let sit for 30 minutes, do a set of stretch & folds, let sit another 30 minutes and do another set of stretch & folds.

Now let the dough rise (bulk ferment) for 8-12hrs or doubled in size. You can do this in the fridge overnight, or on the counter in winter. It'll rise faster in warmer weather, but it will rise even if you're baking in winter and your house is closer to 60 F

When it's done proofing, turn the dough out onto a floured surface, shape into whatever loaf shape you want - there's a variety of ways to do this and the simplest way to learn is by watching YouTube videos because explaining with words can only give half the story.

Let sit for 30min while you preheat your oven to 500F while your baking vessel of choice preheats in the oven

Spread cornmeal on the bottom of your baking vessel (I use Dutch oven and or baking sheet)

Add bread, score top, paint or spray liberally with water (so you get the shiny chewy crust, it needs steam to work)

If you're using a dutch oven put the lid on then put the vessel back in the oven for 20 min.

Then take the lid off and go for another 30, turning the oven down to 450

I know most of you probably didn't need or ask for this, but I'm so frustrated at the number of needlessly complicated recipes out there, I wanted to write down the easiest way that still makes delicious sourdough. I don't care if it's not how professional baker's do it, I'm making this for me in my house and I'm not waiting 30 freaking minutes after mixing the dough before adding salt because it "inhibits rising" (surprise: my bread still rises when I add salt with the rest of the ingredients)

[purplecraze]

idk if this is weird sorry, but you posted that rant and i read it and it meant a lot cause i’ve been struggling with a lot of similar things lately. it was really nice to feel like i’m not on my own. i hope you’re doing okay now :) have a good day

(for starters: it's not weird at all, love. I'm happy to hear you felt strengthened after reading it.

I wrote this rant a few years back, and it's going much better ever since. I'm still not quite there, but let me just give a few milestones that helped me out

- Moving out. I love my parents, and they're only a 10 min walk away. but it's great to have a place of my own where I get to decide everything and people come to my house on my terms. it's a lot of work (I especially neglect the dishes a lot...), but it's a huge step to pulling free from having to be what your parents want and growing to be your own person.

- Getting diagnosed. In my rant, I spoke of how I felt like I was weird. I still struggle with that a lot, but knowing that what I experience has an acknowledged name to which it just can't be helped that I am like that, removes a lot of stress. It removes the feeling of 'This happened because I didn't work hard enough', and takes away some guilt over things that have been proven I'm just simply not good at. All the more because I now know I did those things because I was peak over-stimulated. so by forecoming the over-stimulation, I can now forecome making big mistakes.

- Friends... I love the people here on tumblr and you're all very dear to me. but having friends, or rather a social circle, in real life can be very helpful. Because they'll help you form the norm you can live by, making you think less that you're weird and pressed into a mold society expects of you. It'll help so much with stopping to think you have to be a certain way that you're not. and I know just getting friends is super complicated. but what helped me a lot is picking a job in which I'd find people I could get along with. working with 3D designs has gotten me in contact with a bunch of nerds, homygod xD and what helped me a lot, I can't promote this enough: Table top games. just look into Dungeons and Dragons a bit, there's plenty of local groups dying to have new members, beginners or not. DnD has kinda been like roleplaying for me, except in real life. so it removes the large social strain of presenting yourself. and it's a clutter of people like you and me.

small tips for now:

- the emotions you are experiencing are valid and in motion. they will feel less overwhelming in time. if you tell yourself 'I'm feeling like this at the moment, it's okay to feel that and it will pass', it'll help you see the bigger picture and calm down.

- out of your mind, into your body. Whenever you acknowledge of yourself that you're stuck in a negative spiral, it's a sign that you need to move your focus to your body. It doesn't have to be anything extreem. you can walk a block with your music on. take the bike. pace back and forth through the house. just shift that focus away from your mind. it also helps to do breathing exercises and 'body scans' (search them on youtube)

- growing older = better. I am a granny and everyone's mother at this point hahah... but commonly, people like us are emotionally younger and it's easier to bond with younger people... but it's kinda difficult to be 18 and bond with a 10 year old. but once you're 28, they're 20 and the gap isn't as big anymore. The older you get, the easier it'll be to find likeminded people. most of my friends are in their early 20's. Also, when I was a teen, autism was still like... something only basement-dwelling boys could have. so as time progresses, so does the world's understanding of people like us. if you'll have patience, I'm sure it'll be rewarded.)

[livelovelaug-h]

Unplanned consequences

Summary- I can't spoil all of it but it's #9 for miscarriage for my Jack # stories.

Sorry it took me awhile. Probs spelling mistakes. Implied smut some kissing etc. Hahaha enjoy!

Jack x reader

~~

"oh. No no." You had been waiting for a little to see the results.

You had been dating a hunter for about 5 months. things ended about a week ago when you figured he found someone prettier. He'd been hanging around with his girl a lot, so you guess it was just a game to him.

You were pacing back and forth. And now the results were positive. Positive.

positive that your life was going to be turned upside. Positive that the Winchester's would throw you out. You met the Winchester's about 1 year ago on a hunt when you were caught in a trap, good thing they came or you would be Zippo right now.

It was a little weird at first with there mom being back and then her leaving them since you didn't know the whole story at the time. You were there when Jack was born and you've been helping him through. At first you didn't like him much just like Dean but he was so clueless and puppy like that it didnt last long. You guys were pretty close and you had a little bit of feelings for him but you pushed them down since ... You seen him being born not that long ago. He was practically a baby.... But grown.

Jack was very protective of you which you loved and didn't have because your ex the last month before he left wasn't like that. I guess you knew why now. You guys were young though, you knew it wasn't gonna last forever your only 24.

Back to reality you always wanted kids but not when the dad was .... You know. And at this age ? With this life ? Wasn't really a paying job. Guess it's time to leave. After you cry of course. You cried for about 20 mins when you heard a knock on your door. You wiped your face very quickly. "Who is it?"

"it's Jack Sam and Dean said that they found a case and was wondering if you wanted to come."

"um I'm honestly not feeling too well."

"what's wrong maybe I can heal you."

"no it's just a little bug. Thanks anyways."

"no problem. I'll go tell them."

"okay!"

~~~~

You started packing everything in the room they Gave you. You looked around and didn't see anything left behide. Sam and Dean yelled goodbye and 30 mins later you heard Sam and Dean leave. You looked around taking in the image trying not to cry. You closed the door and walked away starting a new life, Sam and Dean wouldn't be able to handle of this and they didnt need a baby in the house to worry about, hearing it cry and keeping them up. Stealing a car you drove as far away as the bunker would take you. You should probs smash your phone so they don't track you. Maybe tell them your on a hunt or something yeah! That could keep you for at least a month.

"Ugh "

After 7 hours of driving you pulled into a hotel to get some shut-eye. You should probably see a doctor. Gotta find an identity to steal since you don't have any insurance. After three days you finally got a text from Dean-

" where are you?"

"I found a case I'll see ya later."

"a case ? Where ? I thought you were sick."

"I got better it's okay."

"y/n? Where's the case? You shouldn't go alone."

"I'm not a hunter is there already."

"then tell me."

"don't worry about it I'll be fine. Your not dad okay? I'll be in touch. Take care :)"

'Somethings not right' Dean thought.

"hey Dean where is y/n?"

"uh, on a case she'll be home soon."

"Oh, alright. Wanna watch a movie?"

~~~~

3 days later

You been updating Dean about the case trying to make up excuses saying you don't see anything and your hitting a dead end. Maybe you'll come home after checking it out one last time.

"are you sure you don't want help?"

"I'm sure, Dean thanks."

"okay, well hurry up so we can do game night!" Hahaha what a dork you laughed.

~~~~~

Day 5

"you some more leads and it's going good should be done by tomorrow.

~~~~

End of Day 6

Finally "got the son of a bitch" and "you'll drive home tomorrow you're tired."

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if you told them. Maybe they might not want you in the bunker but they would still want to help and see you. You were thinking about telling them so you texted Dean saying you had some good news for him alongside the others.

You started getting a pain a little in your stomach and you decided to finally see a doctor. You fell asleep - waking up to a little lain and some blood? Down there wth? You couldn't have gotten your period. You ran to the bathroom and you felt something plop.

That's not good. You knew what it was. Not that you really wanted a baby but you were kinda excited. Negative. You cried more now about two hours and your phone buzzed. Dean asking if you were on the road yet. you didn't answer. About an hour later Dean texted saying "hello?"

You couldn't move from crying and eventually you couldn't cry anymore so you went out to get some liquor. Two bottles of rum and you were definitely drunk. You cried and screamed and broke things and slept, and cried and repeat.

It had been too long since you answered dean so he went to tell Sam to go track your phone, when he walked in with something.

"What's that?"

"how long has y/n been gone?"

"about 10 days why?" Jack says.

"guys" he turns the thing around. "I don't think she's coming back."

We had narrowed eyes and eyebrows.

"she's pregnant."

"oh"

"ahhh ouchh." Jack listened and heard your SCREAAMING and pain.

"Jack what's wrong?"

"it's y/n, UHHHH..... Shes In pain. She's screaming. .... "I have to go." He said and flapped away.

"Y/n calm down calm down. what happened ?"

You gasped because he startled you.

"Jack not now." You screamed while crying.

"you're hurt. Tell me what's wrong?"

"nothing."

He grabbed you and sat you down so you wouldn't keep throwing things. you cried into him for about 5 mins when he asked you again what happened.

"did someone hurt you?"

"no Jack "

"is it because your pregnant?"

That made you want to cry more. "No."

"I'm sorry did I say something to upset you?"

"no......it's okay. How did you know that?"

"Sam found something and said you were."

"oh. Great okay." He wiped your face. "Please tell me"

"fine. I had miscarriage okay."

"what is that?"

"it's where the baby like... Dies and it wont be born."

"oh. Why not?"

"I don't know Jack, I don't know"

"Well it's okay I'll be here for you every step of the way and like Sam says it'll take time."

"yeah.. yeah thank you." He grabbed your face.

"I love you y/n"

"really?"

"Yes. Almost ever since I laid eyes on you. Your beautiful"

"thank you."

Your faces were so close and you could literally see every pore and every vein in his eyes. But his eyes were beautiful. 3-2-1-.

His lips were on you. You were shocked. They were so soft but ... You weren't expecting that.

You kissed back and he pulled away.

"I'm sorry I'm not good at it."

"no your fine. It's okay "

"maybe it's not the right time."

You laughed "don't worry it's the right time." You pulled him back to your lips and sucked on his lips. This was the only thing that matter at the moment. You ran your hair through his hair and laid him on his back so you were on top. You straddled Him and you guys both explored each other mouths. It was getting so heated to where you guys where dry humping. You ran your hair all over his body and he did the same.

"I like this" he says.

you laughed "I like this too." 😉😉

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

#27

I took.. a lot. the night before all this went down i had already taken 700 but i topped that off with a 600 yesterday morning. I think I woke up at like 4 am-ish something annnd took pills at about 5ish. Tho yesterday I ALSO did 1.6k at 2. So i think for the day I took 2.2k. unless we're also counting the late night one from the day before. Though this'll probably be first and last I take a lot at once like that. I'm still feeling it 20 hours later

(wrote this late august 27th but didn't wanna proofread til now so keep that in mind when I mention days)

AFTERMATH

The first two doses were casualish to me. I used to go 600 at max but nowadays it ain't uncommon for me to do 850-1k. I was mostly the same so no one noticed. They never do tbh. 1.6 is the highest I've ever gone and I was still able to play it off.

As far as symptoms. I've kinda lost my appetite. I'm sure it'll be all back once my body's had the chance to get all the dph out my system but for now I don't really eat. Tho I'm blubbery soo it works out ig. That plus I get random sharp pains in my heart + in my stomach every once in a while. Those I already know why ofc but I also get a milder version in my arms and legs too. I think I've been pretty okay for me to have taken what.. 10 times the normal dose. lemme check

..

it was 32 doses worth

goddamn.. it's starting to freak me out nowadays. That'd be like me getting a perscription but guzzling all the pills for the month in one sitting. (tmi in advance sorry sorry) With me taking THAT much at once you think if somehow someway someone gets my blood they would get high off it? or at the very least treat their allergies. That'd be kinda cool tbh

Ah there was one more thing I noticed. My perception of time ain't the greatest when I'm high anyway. I'm sure it's cause how hyperfocused I am on staying awake plus dph making it hard to remember shit anyway. But on the 1.6.. shit went to the extreme. It was honestly like when I was taking that benadryl-tylenol mix. I'm sure it's mostly due to how much had to be floating around that but man..

When I first started feeling it feeling it I would just be losing my train of thought a lot which led to me forgetting what I was talking about mid sentence a good 70% of the time. Then shit progressed to where I was blacking out randomly. I don't know what exactly happens when I black out. I'm assuming I just continue doing what I was doing and it's really just me forgetting what I just did. But another part of me wonders if I taking mini naps or something. I didn't really get much sleep so maybe my body was forcing me to rest for a bit? I'd black out for anywhere from 30 mins to an hour and a half at a time. I even started hallucinating again which was weirdd.

They were all tame luckily. The most problematic one was me thinking R texted me. I coulda sworn I saw her say I love you on disc. I have a different color for her notifs so I was damn near CERTAIN since it got the color right as well. I still held off on talking to her just incase she tried to talk talk and put the pieces together once she saw how off I was being. I felt like an ass at the time but when I checked the next day I saw that my most recent convo was still the old friend I was otp with. Even if she had deleted it she would've been at the top regardless.

The only other notable hallucinations was the occasional phantom bug. 9 times out of 10 it was just a weird looking shadow but there was a few times where I thought I saw spider legs too. Tho that honestly wasn't toooo. I'd rather have that than texting R about some shit she never did lmao

NOTES/EMOTIONS

I will be mentioning self unaliving a lot in this section so don't upset yourself tryna read, alr?

Ah.. I kinda did say I'd explain my flakiness annnd the shit I'm upset about now semi relates so here we are.

It's hard to explain. You always hear people be yourself no matter. Not to say anything is wrong with that. I just.. I don't know how to interpret that if that makes any sense. I feel like atp I'm only still here to spare my family's feelings (with that including R of course) so it throws me in a thought loop

On one hand, I'm only alive to spare their feelings. I have no real goals, dreams, or plans as far as what I want to do next. So it really wouldn't matter if I just went with whatever they want me to do even if I hate it. Not like I have any better ideas. It makes me feel like I should take all the judgment I'm flung and change accordingly. If I'm alive for them, wouldn't that make the most sense? I'm gonna come back to rock bottom no matter what i do. I might as well just do it for appearance's sake

Tho on the other, if they want me to really do whatever I and only I wanted, would they be angry if I left? Would they understand the struggle and misery I've gone through trying to keep it together for them? It feels stupid to let myself be tethered to this place for people that don't even know me really. I'm sure they'll be hurt for a time sure but.. is that a good enough reason to still be here? I can only leech for so long. I have no plans to go back to college as I am. scared. going from effortless 3.75 to a barely gotten, struggle filled 1.7 killed that for me. I can't afford to keep trying and trying until I hit this magical brain switch that suddenly makes all that easy. Im already nearly 20k in debt from that single semester alone.

And what's so frustrating about this circle thinking is that i KNEW it'd go down like this. I've been wanting to kill myself since 3rd grade. Even with my reasoning being vastly different throughout all this time, at the end of the day, I've been treating my suicide as an inevitability. I get so worked up over any and everything, I have to push and fight myself every fucking day to do the bare minimum, and I never wanted to be in a position where I'm stuck doing something I hate just to get by every month. It's just too much.

I've set various age goals throughout the years to keep me from doing anything too stupid. Originally it was 14 so I could get a job and get better supplies for that sort of thing. Then it was 16 cause by then I was supposed to have a car and I would be allowed to date at that age. Then the latest one was 18 and 6mo. 6mo probably sees random but it made sense to me anyway. Seniors get out of school bout 2 week- a month earlier than everyone else. So I damn near had the house to myself for a little while. Then even once they went on summer break, I still was chilling since I didn't move into my dorm til early october. So I had damn near 5mo to do whatever I wanted with hella open house money to fund it. I figure, since I had all that money and have months and months to do whatever AND im finna be living by myself, if I still wanted to do it, it is what it is

But now look at me. 19 annd nearly 3 months and I'm worse than ever before. It makes my stress tolerance so much lower. Anytime I get upset I turn it back onto myself. If I had just got it over with back then, people wouldn'tve had to see me degrade into the person I am today. If I would have done it back then, I wouldn't need to stress about college, work, money, love, or whatever else. I never wanted any of this. I just wanted to do what was expected of me to keep the peace. But now even when I'm trying to do that, it's not working. It was bound to happen someday tbh. I wasn't gonna be able to half ass my way through life forever. Still.. it crashed and burned quicker than I thought

I feel so trapped. I don't know what to do anymore. Everyone is gonna see it all. My stepmom actually did just called me out for sitting around for this long lmao. I guess it has been a while. I came back for winter break in late December and here I am still. No money and no school. I keep replaying her words over and over again. It slightly pissed me off initially. I've withdrew so much within these last few months to the point where it's rare for either of them to see me more than maybe.. once a day. Plus I've TOLD her I've been struggling for years now and nothing has changed.

Told her I might be struggling with some form of adhd after seeing how hard my workflow was thrown off since quarantine started. Then like 2-3 mo later after radio silence on that stuff she asked me a few questions about therapy preferences then when I told her she told me to book it myself when I'm 18.. Then another time when I was arguing with my dad over something and she started screaming in my face which drove me to a panic attack that she ignored and continued to yell at me until my sisters butted in. She tried to yell at them to but I think I freaked them out with my crying so they didn't budge. Oh yeah. And that middle school thing where I ratted myself out anonymously for being suicidal and actively writing out drafts for it. I didn't like the therapist I had so I stopped going and it was never mentioned again.

Tangent. Sorry. I bring all this up to say it irritated me since I've been asking for help on and off for years now and no one listened. I'm always written off as overdramatic or whiney, or hormonal or whatever th and now I can see she just thinks I'm just a lazy fucking bum. It doesn't even make sense. I've said this was an issue of mine but since I wasn't failing in high school and I don't boohoo in front of them, it was never addressed so why is anyone shocked that this is how I turned out? Why am I now the failure of the family

Whatever anyway. i thought on it longer and I can't put the blame on them entirely. At the end of the day, I should've fought more to get the help I needed before shit hit the fan. I dunno. I've always been like this.

Ig it doesn't really matter now does it?

I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I'm getting backed further and further into this corner and it's going to blow up soon. I know it. I don't want to be around for that. Too much to uncover. I've fucked myself so may times thinking it wouldn't matter because of xyz thing but all of its coming back. It makes me want to go even further tbh. It feels like my only choice. No one will take it seriously until then. Even then, I'd probably go for round 2 just to do it. I am genuinely.. tired.