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To compensate for my emotional damage from episode 3, BOZ gave me what I want (then ruin me again)
Spoiler Alert!!! (y'all should really stay away from my blog if you don't want spoilers)
First off, the show has finally given me what I want: Hyacinthus.
My BabyTM.
My flower boi.
My menace prince.
I love you for trying to race against the god of speed himself. You lost the match obviously but you still won my heart in the few seconds you appeared 💜💜💜
You're spoiling me with your pecs and gritting teeth, BUT YOUR LITTLE EARRING TOO???
I'm not unwell. I'm dead.
I hope you stayed out of the arena during the discus game because we don't want your boyfriend to have a panic attack again (AND APOLLO'S SCENE WITH THE DISC TOO, SUNNY BOI GOT TRAUMA)
Speaking of sunny boi, it's nice that BOZ has a nod to Apollo being a champion in boxing.
He beat Dionysus bloody. Look at him!
Then there's... Ares.
*sigh*
What happened to him?
The only time I like Ares is when he helps Aphrodite get off the chariot, but the moment he speaks I have to fight the urge to box him myself.
They said he's being a jerk to Heron because the lost of his parents affected him but I see NO SENSE OF MOURNING IN HIM. He's only being mean for the sake of being a mean bully.
Everyone who are mad at Ares in SS2 like me, you should read The Ungilded Version, it's a continuation fanfic of season 1 on AO3. Ares didn't get along with Heron in this fic, but how he shows his grudges is more reasonable and in-character. AND HE HAS HIS GOLDEN MOMENTS WITH HIS FAMILY AND FOLLOWERS TO BALANCE OUT HIS AGRESSIVE SIDE TOO!!!
The BOZ producer WISH they can write a complex Ares like that.
Also, don't think I forget Demeter. Her cameo may be brief but I'm still sour at what they made her into.
And Hera too, but I guess in a lesser extend because Zeus' death have really impacted her. Still miss her ruthless side tho.
Oh, and Heron is going on a suicide mission. He knows he's gonna die so he wants to die both like a dumbass and badass. But I do have critique with his fight with Ares. THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HE CAN PUNCH ARES BLEEDING???
Diomedes managed to cut Ares and Aphrodite in the Iliad because he's a seasoned warrior with Athena on his side. Heron got powered up once and somehow he can box Ares??? A demigod against a god???
And when I thought the producer is finally realistic and didn't make him beat Ares, the Gary Stu nonsense came back with Zeus giving him the ring.
"But he saved the world he deserves the prize--" DID ZEUS' OTHER CHILDREN NOT AID THE DEFEAT OF THE GIANTS??? HERON JUMPED IN AND MAKE THE FINAL SHOW DOWN AND HE'S GOING TO DIE ANYWAYS!!!
Zeus' final speech. Finally he has some end-of-life remorse. I'll let someone else talk about it because my brain isn't programed to analyze something like that.
BUT WE WERE ROBBED OF A CHARIOT RACE!!! THERE'S A CUT DRAFT OF WHEN THE SIBLINGS WHERE RACING AGAINST EACH OTHER AND IT'S SOOO COOL??? WISH WE COULD HAVE SEEN IT BUT ALAS :((((
#blood of zeus#blood of zeus season 2#spoiler alert#my ramblings#i'll watch the final half of the season later#when i'm done with my irl works#will return to reviewing (read: rambling) on this show#The Pen explodes with ink
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obligatory scott and scar posting
#smajor#goodtimeswithscar#last life smp#“wait have you only seen the very beginning and very end of last life”#yes#listen i get STRESSED#hc and the life series are slowly helping me make some progress about that though actually#see i've always had trouble with getting stressed over conflict in fiction#like it hits me way too hard#and that makes it hard to get into a lot of media let me tell you#then i started playing ttrpgs with some REALLY good folks#and that became my first practice area to work through some fears and have time to address some personal stuff#and it became easier to be okay irl over time#and now i'm watching these minecraft folks blow each other up and do death games and when theyre done theyre all still GOOD#not just fine irl but they still LIKE each other (or at least seem to be alright playing together again)#and that's just helping my brain a lot!#OOPS UNRELATED PERSONAL ESSAY IN THE TAGS I GUESS
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i know everyone is struggling right now but jesus christ i'm struggling right now.
#personal#school/work stress#this thing with my grandpa#feelings of isolation and self-blame#but dear god the isolation#do you ever just feel like you're just shouting into a void?#if the people you love actually love you as much as you love them?#is it even worth it to keep going?#i miss my friends#my one IRL friend is too busy when I need her but when she needs support i have to drop everything#i'm coming down from my first semester of grad school#and i just feel so overwhelmed and done with it all.
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:(
#it's 8 o'clock#and i'm tired#and i'm sad#i want to do something else#but i need to get this done#but i'm not Doing it#it's not working#(angel neil is being really mean to me)#and i really shouldn't have taken so many asks last week#i knew i was burnt out but i was still like 'i can manage it! i can do it' but alas#it's killing me for some reason (the burn out)#and the depression has been on High this week#so that didn't help#but this is all i do you know? like#i think of wipw as my fucking job because i don't actually have one (is useless irl)#so when i 'fail' at writing it makes me really upset#like i love writing and i love my fics but i just spent the last few days hating them and not even wanting to look at them#like that makes me sad too! why do i get like this? what is actually wrong with me?#(a lot i'm sure. with these highs and lows i'm starting to suspect Things)#anyway long story short: writing is hard and i'm tired and i wish my house didn't suck and i wish i had money and i wish i wasn't a#diaerie#dep#lol if you read all this you deserve a cookie. i don't have any but i do have some cinnamon rolls
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#long talk in tags incoming i guess#i don't understand why people keep following me when everything i do is complaining lately#and not about dnp per se. but about how the work is done and how their team *coughs* martyn *coughs* is handling stuff#i'm just looking at all this mess and i can't agree with basically anything#everything goes against my beliefs when it comes to work organisation. customer focus and etc.#and i'm trying SO hard to mildly help for free. and i'm just getting ignored. but that's like.. basic fixing and shit#any decent company would do it and say thank you for noticing and letting us know#but not irl merch lmao#and it all feels and looks like a massive joke#and i'm so so tired to basically pay for existence of this mess#i'm rethinking a lot of tour related decisions i made. and i know the reason i made them was about travelling more than the show itself#so i don't completely regret it#i'm just so tired of being spat in the face (figuratively speaking) over and over again#and tired of no one taking their job seriously ffs#neither martyn nor dnp nor their fucking editors#and i'm doing all that not for attention or whatever. but because I really care for the words to be correct and for the fucking text..#.. to be in the middle. like idc about the credit or WHO i need to ask for it to be fixed. i just want it to be fixed#so it looks good and how it should look#like. it's not that hard to put a little care into the things you do and getting paid for#I don't understand how it became so normalized. how being a bad manager is okay if you work with a fanbase and you're a 'small company'#a small company who has more than enough money to hire people to check things btw. if only anyone cared#i'm just so so tired of caring. because apparently it's not something everyone else does.#and i can let it slide when it comes to dnp. they are not being literally hired to do it. but others..... yeah#today was a moment when i thought 'that's a perfect opportunity to leave. enough.'#but the tour is in 1.5 months and i have tickets so i can't leave lmao#what kind of joke that is? oh and i know i'm fully responsible for this mild breakdown#personal
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why the fuck did i write about birds this fucking sucks. i just found out birds only sleep for a few minutes at a time, hundreds of times a day. do you know what this is going to do to my structure? the logistics of their road trip? this is already like three days late and i've been fighting for my life to get A Plot Like Any Plot That Makes Sense out and now the birds fucking sleep for 5 minutes at a time.
#i should've just bailed and written another story when i had the chance#i'm not joking i've never fought a fiction piece this hard before. usually because i'm not writing for specific deadlines#and not a piece so big. and not one that's gonna be workshopped. i wanna blow them away but if things keep going the way they are everyone'#gonna tell me the pacing sucks and it feels pointless and the characters feel really confused. I KNOW. I KNOW THAT. FUCKK#i'm the type to do about 15 passes before i let someone see my 'first draft' and i'm just not gonna be able to do that if i want to get it#in time for a workshop. every day i delay is making things harder for my classmates y'know?? but i've been writing like 1k words a day#and it's still not done. GUHH#I DON'T LIKE WRITING THESE CHARACTERS THAT MUCH THEY'RE NOT FUNNY OR ENDEARING AND THAT'S MY LIKE.#MAIN SKILL AND VIBE WITH SHORT STORY DUOS. BUT NOOOO I HAD TO MAKE THEM DIFFERENT CUZ I WAS SICK OF DOING#THE SAME DYNAMIC OVER AND OVER. BITCH THIS IS YOUR FINAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRIED AND TRUE GETS THE BLUE (RIBBON)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#head in my hands head in my hands head in my hands head in my hands head#going to work on it some more. fuckk#the voices aren't consistent and i'm trying to make it clear that this is toxic bird yuri and not a mother/daughter thing but the maternal#themes are kind of fucking with that but they're important and i don't wanna get rid of them but it feels forced cuz im forcing it#sigh. i'm gonna have to cut the yuri. these two don't work romantically at all. what a waste of time.#i watched the entirety of mnthly girls' nozaki-kun in the past two days while avoiding writing. did you know that? the lengths to which i'l#go? anyway it was fun i appreciate fellow creative agony and i uh never knew how they did screen tones and wasn't expecting that somehow#so i learned something new (hooray). anyway back to. fucking. bird story stuff#i'm so mad i hate these two (<- lying. just pissy) i hate this story (<- mostly exaggerating. throwing a tantrum)#eughhhhhh i just wanna lie on the floor and cryyyyyyyyyy (<- completely deadpan irl. not That upset just kind of sick of shit)#i'm so burnt out and it's only gonna get worse. ughh#why can't someone just come in and write it for meeeeeeeeeeheheuhhh (<- would hate that)
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I have all these ideas and scenes and snippets of dialogue and I just know this would be a fic I'd love to read. Now if only I could find the will to actually write it 🙃
#me getting yet another idea: oh that's fantastic and indulgent and I love it!#also me: idk getting out the laptop and writing seems like a lot of work. start a new sims save instead.#my biggest problem rn is that when I'm FINALLY done with all first priority responsibilities and work and everything#all I wanna do is play sims. build lil europen countryside houses. no write. only little pixel cottages and bunnies ans goats!#and play with my cats irl of course 😄#erin explains it all
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I SWEAR I KEEP TRYING TO DO ART BUT THEN SOMETHING GETS IN THE WAY AND THEN I PROCRASTINATE AND THEN SIX MONTHS PASS
#this has been happening for like TWO YEARS BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I AM TRYING.#my usual art motivation (my webcomic idea) has been put on hold for a bit and because of that i forgort... everything#my will to draw specifically#but in my defense i have been writing k*arlach / oc indulgences and i've been VERY focused on finishing it#i also got a marketing manager (my friend <3) to help with advertising my comms and stuff so uh... look forward 2 that#i might need to start posting all of my art on a sideblog so she doesn't have to log into my main though#so there might be some changes#but i promise i want to do art!!!! but there's always something to do first and then months pass :(#or i get the urge to draw and then life is like ''have a cancer scare'' lmao...#(ended up being cancerous actually </3 but because it's skin stuff it was easy to remove)#(but that really took the piss out of me for most of july... not to mention that ffxiv released a new expansion and i have been...#having a good time with my new friends doing content and stuff!) i also made a friend irl after like 3-4 years of total isolation#we feed ants and watch them move around together and comment on their behaviour patterns...#but like when i say this takes literal hours.#we just sit out there and talk about random shit and watch ants walk across the floor. both of us hate ants btw.#like we don't like having them ON us so it's a bit like playing with fire.#but anyways yeah i've also been really low energy recently too bc of the heat and burnout from college...#but the good news is that i'm transferring in fall to a much more relaxing college & courseload!#i'm hoping it'll stop me from feeling so... awful ?? i guess ??#like i was taking classes i didn't need to that were really difficult & punishing#not to mention extremely boring & hard to pay attention to when dealing with literally anything. i did not want to be there.#my next college is much more interest-oriented so i will finally be able to take classes i want to and learn from them...!#and then maybe i will feel a bit more in control of my life / more encouraged to draw#anyways thank u for reading my ramble. hoping it all comes together soon.#i need to do a lot of work but most of it is so i can sell commissions again#but once the karlach fic is done we're so back on the webcomic train !!!!!!!!
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i need friends /gen (slight rant in tags)
#xelle.txt#i noticed i don't really have a permanent circle of friends. at least irl#i have one online but they're also busy and i just can't dedicate my time to one friend group#i don't know - it's just the people i thought who were nice turned out to be the exact opposite#and when i found out about that i just kinda. lost interest in making any more friends#my partner is the only person i interact with on a daily basis. the irl friend group i was referring to earlier i'm not exactly close with-#-them either#i feel like if i didn't only give my time in nurturing my romantic relationship i would have done the same for my platonics too#that's still a problem of mine. my time management between love life and friends. heck i even got myself into an unsolvable problem because-#-of my inability to stay consistent#also my brain is kinda fried from reading 20+ pages so pardon any grammatical errors but yeah anyway#honestly i've been craving for interaction here. but i know i won't be active and it'd just be pointless#to gain more friends or followers. i don't exactly make content as consistently as i did before#the other day i had to vent to an ai (would you believe me if it was cha.tgpt) about my troubles because i had no one else to talk to lol#there's just so much going on irl 😭 ya girl's almost starting college and they're throwing so much tasks at us!!#and i feel very very stressed about it because they're usually done in groups i am ALWAYS the assigned leader#which gets exhausting especially when there are lazy members present#anyway#hopefully this weekend i get some time to cool off. but next week i'm back to grinding and working#lol i don't even think i'm in the top ranks anymore. i'm so burnt out.#this is what being an academic achiever gives you oops ZZHSIAHAHAJAHHS#imma sleep now 😭#idk you can just interact with me or recommend someone you know who self ships in the same medias i do#goodnight everypony 🫶#vent tw#rant tw
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okay okay okay okay read on if you want the latest shenanigans of me and the best friend.
pls enjoy a somewhat redacted version of our texts from last night, that culminate in him being the CUTEST, he's literally becoming a marauders fan bc he's my beta for dead to me. all he's ever done is read hp in his early 20s, like a few weeks ago he couldn't remember "who the werewolf was." let me tell YOU, someone actually getting into fandom stuff for your favorite fandom just cause they love you and read your fanfiction for you?????? is?????? THE NICEST CUTEST MOST ATTRACTIVE THING EVER especially if you're autistic. okay rant over please enjoy:
Me: 1. i'm not even tired fml 2. [insert me being anxious about ppl donating for my top surgery, asking for reassurance] 3. Hi idk sorry to be texting you like literally 20 minutes after leaving you 4. i hope you're magically already asleep this is so embarrassing chuck shut uppppp Him: 1. omg i'm so sorry :/ me neither i'm eating rice cakes 2. [insert reassurance and a question abt the donations] 3. you are so fine! omg I wrote out this text and then got self conscious because I wanted to text you something meaningless like right after you left lol: [insert him telling me something silly and cute about his nighttime routine] 4. Up town for REAL Me: 1. [lala st about being in bed] 2. [lala st about donations] 3. okay i feel so much better 💖 and for the record I always love to hear from you and I want all the fun facts. [lala st about his nighttime routine] 4. Are you telling me to shut up? Him: 1. [lala] 2. [lala reassurance lala] 3. 💖!! Love to share love to hear 4. No you GOON, I meant up as in "im awake"! But I see how that came off... Me: 1. 2. 3. 4. Wow so now you want me to shut up AND you're name calling?! Didn't know you could be so cruel, Jacobson Him: 4. Ok I really read that with my last name and all in Sirius Black's voice Me: 4. You read it correctly then Him: 4. !!!!! Me: 4. b. Good to know you have a voice for Sirius Black in your head......almost like you're a marauders fan Him: 4. c. Almost like this literal spectacular novel writer has gotten my mind into having actual personal thoughts/feelings about the marauders moment...feels sinister on his part idk 4. d. (I won't deny what you're saying tho...) Me: 4. e. !!!!!!!!!! 👀👀👀 call me Dr. Frankenstein cause I've created a monster Him: For real!! ✨👹✨ Me: a marauders monster if you will
#this is so silly to be sharing but i CAN'T. EXPLAIN. THE JOY. of having someone in my REAL LIFE who fucking made a sirius black joke!!!!!#like even when i wrote that text i was sort of putting on a little sirius cheekiness to it on purpose but i never thought he'd /get it/#he follows ONE person on his tumblr and said he went on there the other day and there was a wolfstar joke and he GOT IT#and laughed out loud at work#i was giddy literally giddy#idk guys like i haven't had a best friend irl that was in this fandom (or any fandom with me) since i was a teenager#and frankly i could cry about it#he's not even IN the fandom but he has actual thoughts and feelings about these characters that i love and it is.#just special#okay i'm done now sorry lol i will be shocked if anyone read all of this#ALSO note: i did change his last name for ~privacy reasons~#charlie chats#swampy tag
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Have you left us forever ? :( We miss you dearly
no, not forever! i still intend to finish some fics and post them here, it'll just take a while! i'm very busy and i was on a week long work-related trip. so expect a random out of the blue update every once in a while, but as for anything else, i can't guarantee it. if you wanna message me on discord, which is where i chat with a lot of my mutuals, my discord username is yourlocaldisneyvillain! (tbf i haven't checked that one in a while either whoopsie, but i will get to it this week)
#i got an ask!#it just get Exhausting having to balance everything#and when i'm done with all the work stuff + keeping up with irl friends i hardly have any energy left to log in and chat with people#even though i do miss them#hope my moots and friends still like me askdjfhg
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The nice thing about having two really intelligent dogs is that they watch us interact with each other and learn things that way all the time. Rest/stay is not something I've really worked on with Eevee other than at doorways and baby gates because my dogs aren't allowed to rush entries and exits for safety reasons, but we use it with Hermes in lots of different contexts multiple times a day every day and his rest is very solid and generalized. Just a few minutes ago I told Hermes to rest so I could clean something up without him getting in the way or stepping in it but without specifying that I was talking only to him and Eevee also froze in place with him, stopped moving completely, and then eventually laid down (position switching is allowed during rest for my dogs just not directional movement, plus she's baby and I didn't actually mean to tell her to rest anyway so IDC regardless) still in her spot watching me clean and didn't break until I gave her a treat and released her along with him. I was cheering mentally for her the entire time but trying to contain my reaction until I gave them their release cue so she didn't get excited and break the rest before I was done cleaning because I've never used that command in that kind of situation with her before. She's so smart and good though, I love herrrrr
#i compare myself a lot to other non-disabled dog trainers and it makes me feel like my dogs are untrained messes a lot of the time#but then my dogs do something smart every now and then that reminds me that we do actually train small stuff daily like this#and I'm like oh yeah these are still the best trained dogs I've ever known IRL esp compared to the pet people I know#Hermes especially has a LOT of stuff I've taught him forever ago when i was in better health that he still remembers now#despite a lack of refresher training for a lot of it#and everytime he does something to remind me im like... oh shit i forgot youre actually smart as fuck and pretty well trained bro#like we havent worked on Hermes' emergency down/down at a distance in a long ass time#but a couple weeks ago Selene told Hermes to down from a distance and understandably at first he moved closer to her to down#so she started to indicate that was not what she wanted and before he was halfway to her or she even finished telling him#he turned himself around#went back to the EXACT spot he had been standing in#turned around again to face her in that spot#and then laid down and waited for her to come to him with the treat#literally haven't worked on that in years and wasnt expecting him to remember it#to the point where i was about to correct selene for even asking for it when we havent done it in so long without refresher training first#and then he DID IT#i love my dogs a lot and they're smart af thats it thats the TLDR
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sometimes i remember how many things i have made my responsibility and i truly think there's something wrong with me
#sming + directing + intensive applications#and then As Soon As i'm done sming i go into ADing and then i have my fundraiser over winter break#and then next semester it's. assistant directing + producing the 24 hour plays + production managing + charity concert + probably some sort#- of design position for shrew knowing myself. + producing a new work tho i pray to GOD that the director figures out how to be competent b#- then. and during all of this i also have to run my theater company remotely and be president of a student org#oh and i have classes. ofc#what if i literally jumped off of a bridge instead. i think maybe that would be easier#sorry i try to keep irl relatively off of here or at least like. only talk about the frivolous stuff but man i think i might drown#& also i feel bad complaining abt it to friends irl too much bc i have objectively done it to myself#fire chakra is exploded or whatever my prof was talking abt today when she looked at me and said u like to get stuff done huh#ted talks
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i don't think my irl bestie understood how much anxiety i have about basic tasks until i told her that my mom saw me wash my bed sheets and said i was doing things wrong.
#mads makes a text post#i have my own little ritual with the washing machine dials#but my mom interprets that as me not knowing how to work it#that's just one thing#but holy christ i literally have low confidence in most things i do - especially when she's around#like i know how to do things efficiently but she critiques me so much#especially if it's not done the ''right'' way#anyway i'm really unlearning that mindset as much as i can bc it's so unhealthy#but it's so hard when i still live with her#it's so frustrating#tldr: mads can do basic things but her confidence gets shot if her mom is around#lol just remembered that i told irl bestie that cooking has gotten easier but i can't do it around my mom for...obvious reasons
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Wow dropping almost all of my classes except for one really was the best thing I could've done right now huh
Wish I could've dropped all of them tho. Or better yet just not have started college at all
#ramblings#neg#i have never felt this unmotivated to do anything in my life. nor this emotionally unstable#have a stupid midterm coming up and if its anything like the quizzes i've had to take at least 60% is gonna be shit we never go over#bc this stupid class is online and the teacher doesn't assign work or notes for shit that will actually be in the tests#either that or it's all explained in the most dumbfuck overly complicated way#the class is supposed to be abt math stuff that should apply irl but i can assure you like 90% of it is useless to me#the only thing i've actually been learning from this stupid class is how to make pretty looking excell sheets#god i just want to be done with this shit already#with how much i'm struggling with this one class i know for fucking sure i would not have been able to handle being a full time student#the only reason i'm still taking this stupid class is bc i can't drop it without paying for it#paying for school is already fucking stupid as it is but paying to stop going is even worse#hope when this class is done i never have to hear anyone even suggest i go to college ever again#or else i swear to god i will actually just punch them in the face#fuck off
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My workplace, everyone:
"Hey, we know you're suffering from a chronic injury and you asked seven months ago to switch to a different job position that would take pressure off your injury and we know we've had you continue to do your existing job despite that, with promises to change things for you, but we are going to need you to take on extra work because gosh we just can't bother to train anyone how to do their job correctly and we would rather pile more work on to the one person around here who we don't have to babysit, again instead of making sure other people are trained on how to do their job."
"Oh, what's that? You've been listening to the We're Hiring announcement we've been playing for three straight years that promises career opportunities and job openings? Well, sorry, that excludes an opening in that one position that would take the pressure off your chronic injury. We reserve that job for anyone else."
#vent post#I've just given up and agree to whatever they want me to do now#I'm tired#this is going to equate to even MORE of my work#not being done when I go on vacation or am out sick#irl stuff
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