#which is when im off med leave and i go back to sensory hell

[gayboybeetle]

my fire alarm ran out of battery and went off in the middle of the night, so im about to go to my post-op appointment with two hours of sleep and a migrane being like. yes i am so normal, tell me how normal i am, for the love of god

[sicklilspidey]

Sensory Overload (due to illness)

The day started like any other for Peter Parker, well other than the fact that his stomach was fighting him. He wasn't sure why his stomach was bothering him so much, he just knew he couldn’t tell anyone. If he did MJ and Ned would hound him to go home and that’s the last thing he wanted. You see Peter had been waiting all week to go to the avengers tower so he can work on a new suit with Mr. Stark and train with Cap and Natasha, and lord knows nothing was going to stop him from going. Peter was on the bus to school when he felt someone poke him. He turned to see Ned with a concerned look on his face. “ what the hell dude, what was that for” Peter said harshly. “Woah, sorry. I was just making sure you were still alive. You honestly look like the definition of death” Ned said. This caught the attention of MJ. “ he’s right dork, you really don’t look good,” she said. ' ugh , why does everyone have to be so observant ’  peter thought to himself. “Look guys, im fine. Just didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, that’s all ” Peter responded. 

“ Okay, whatever you say loser,” MJ added.  They left him alone after that, both having concern build up in the pit of their stomachs. The bus arrived at the school minutes later, and peter hurried off. He could feel the thick liquid coming up his throat, and his mouth was watering an insane amount. He knew he had to find a bathroom quickly but of course he ran right into Flash. “Woah, Parker watch where you’re going.” flash said as he shoved Peter. “Flash i’m honestly not in the best mood. I didn’t mean to run into you ,so can you just leave me be” Peter said shakily . “You’re lucky I'm in a good mood Parker” With that Flash moved out of the way and Peter ran down the hallway. As soon as he made it to the bathroom his breakfast made its grand entrance back into the world. All Peter could do was let his body do its thing. Once he finished, he shakily got up and flushed the toilet. He started to feel a little anxious but thought nothing of it. He caught a glimpse of himself on the way out of the bathroom and realized Ned was right, he really did look like death. He made his way to first period and when he got there everyone just stared at him. He wasn’t sure if it was the fact that he was 20 minutes late or if it was his appearance. Either way he didn’t care, he just wanted the day to be over already. “Okay ,class solve this next equation on the board.” was all peter heard before he completely zoned out and escaped reality. “ Peter! Hello earth  to Peter” peter snapped out of his trance and saw MJ standing there. “ hey, class is over,” she said. “ o-oh” peter responded. “ You sure you're okay, cause you look worse for wear” MJ said. Peter just nodded in response while grabbing his bag off the floor. He walked out of the classroom, and stumbled to his second period. His senses were starting to heighten but he tried to ignore it as much as possible. At this point Peter didn’t know what to do with himself, he just wanted to get through the day and make it to the tower. That was slowly starting to feel like an impossibility for peter. He’s barely made it through his first period, he couldn't even begin to imagine what the rest of the day had to throw his way. When he finally reached his second period class he was exhausted. He decided to just tune out this class just like he did in his first class. Time started to pass way faster than Peter expected and before he knew it, it was lunch. He slowly made his way to the cafeteria. He got to the table where Ned and MJ were seated and he sat down without a word. Both MJ and Ned looked up from their food and saw an absolutely miserable Peter displayed in front of them. “ Just go home already, you’re obviously sick” Ned said. “ No I'm not! I already told you two that i just didn’t sleep well” Peter basically yelled. MJ and ned were taken by surprise. It’s not like Peter to go off like that. Even peter as surprised, something was off and it wasn’t just his upset stomach. After lunch finished, it was like someone fast forwarded through the rest of the day. Soon the final bell rang and Peter let out a sigh of relief he wasn’t aware he was holding in. he made his way down the, what seemed like, never ending hallway and out the school’s front doors, there Happy was waiting for him. It was a silent ride to the tower. Happy noted how quiet Peter was, it wasn’t like him to not say a single word for an hour straight. “ you okay back there?” Happy asked. All Peter could do was grunt in response.  Happy took that as a no ,but didn’t ask the kid anymore questions. When they arrived at the tower, Peter was more than ready to get out of the car. As soon as he was out of vehicle appy pulled him aside. “ hey kid, don’t push yourself too hard in there, I’m sure he’ll understand if you need a break” Happy said referring to Tony. In all honesty, Peter wasn’t focused on what Happy was saying, he was more focused on the bird and how loud they were. He’s never noticed that before. Once he realized Happy was done talking , Peter made his way into the tower. He was greeted by Cap who looked way too excited to see him. “Hey kiddo, heard you're gonna join me and natasha for some training" Cap said. Peter just nodded and they headed upstairs to the training area. There peter saw Mr. Stark sitting in the corner playing with some new gadget he probably just made, and natasha doing her stretches before training begun. "Oh, hey underoos" Tony said looking up from his new toy. Peter was surprised no one had commented on his appearance yet. " h-hey Mr. Stark" peter replied to Tony. He felt a chill go down his spine. "You good kid" Tony asked. Peter nodded. Cap came in and started barking orders. "Kid youre with me, Tony you're with natasha. After a few minutes we'll switch up partners." Peter immediately starting regretting showing up. His stomach was bothering him more and more by the minute, and everything seemed louder than usual. Sparring begun and peter heard a loud thud. " you really don't put up a fight anymore, do ya old man" natasha said making fun of tony who was currently laying on the floor. Cap started laughing, "don't make it that easy for me okay kid" he said referring to what just happened. Peter just nodded. Sparring begun again and peter was doing okay, he was dodging Cap's punches and kicks, but soon he started to become more and more aware of his surrounds. It was becoming too much for him. Without saying anything peter rushed out the door to find the nearest bathroom. "What did you do Steve" natasha asked. "Nothing, he just ran off" he replied. " I'll go find him" Tony said, making his way to the door. He walked down the hallway until he heard sobs coming from the bathroom. He didn't even bother knocking, he just barged in, and there sitting on the floor was Peter. He was shaking uncontrollably and looked as if he was about to pass out. "Kid, what going on" Tony asked. Peter finally broke. " I-I haven't been feeling well all day, and I tried to make it but i couldn't take it anymore. Everything was just becoming too much for me" he cried. Peter's stomach started to chime in with some uncomfortable sounding groans. "I CAN'T DO THIS! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP! MAKE THE NOISES STOP! MAKE MY STOMACH STOP HURTING! MAKE EVERYTHING STOP!" Peter yelled. Tony's heart broke. " I think you're having a sensory overload Peter." Tony said calmly. Peter just started sobbing again. He wanted it all to be over. His stomach began protesting which made him gag. "Hey bud, let's get you over the toilet " Tony said. When he got peter situated, peter immediately started throwing up. " you've got it pretty bad don't you" Tony said. "Friday, scan Peter" he added. "Peter's temperature is 103 and he seems to show signs of the stomach flu, sir" Friday said. "Thank you, oh and Friday, could you tell Cap i need him to bring me the fever reducers Bruce made him" Tony added. "Already done, sir" Friday replied. "Thank you" Tony said. Peter finished throwing up and sunk into the wall behind him. " well at least i know why you're having a sensory overload but what i don't know is why you felt the need to hide the fact that you're sick" Tony said. " I didn't want to let you down" peter said weakly. "Kid, you're sick. I would've let you take a few days off, I'm not a monster.'' Tony said with a smirk. Just then Cap came in with the medicine. "What's going on" he asked. "The kid has the stomach flu and hid it all day ,which made things worse ,and caused a sensory overload" tony replied. "Oh, well i hope you get better soon, because natasha was really hoping to kick your ass" Cap said before heading back to the training area. " let's get you to your room and in bed and ill give you the meds." Tony said helping the exhausted teen up. When they made it to the room peter was already half asleep. "I'm gonna need you to stay awake to take your meds" tony told him. He laid peter on the bed and quickly gave him the meds so he could go to sleep. As soon as he heard soft snoring, Tony rushed around the house to get things for the sick teen. When he gathered all the supplies he took it up to the kids room and put everything in its place. He wrote a note and put it on the nightstand that said, 'water is next to this note, bucket is next to the bed and if you need me tell Friday to alert me.' He was about to walk out of the room but he turned to see peter. Tony knew he was a good kid and he was kinda glad his stubbornness was rubbing off on him.

[abtoddler]

Yay its finally bedtime. I put the vics on, and really love this NorthShore supreme over my normal night time diaper.

Im nervous cause in the morning i meet a new doctor. I dont like to think about all my fears ahead of me, i try and really embody my perspective of temperance and balance. However moments like this scare the daylights out of me. So im writing out what im going to copy and paste for my new doctor in the morning.

I have problems articulating everything clearly:

The reasons im super scared are because ive got nothing to think i will recover in anyway. The coldness, the discomfort; the burning sensations down from my knees, i cant move several of my toes, or feel much as far as pain anymore once the numbness comes on nearly as soon as i sit or lay on something.

The pain never stops, the golfball in my spine, the burning feet. And then all the horrible side effects of my ibs, digestive problems, and the pain of voiding stool. Which then causes me to throw up 1-4 times a day. Theres a point when i am feeling all the sensations of vomit, but nothing to very little comes out. The pain is what causes it when my entire body tries to expell the stool. It doesnt matter what consistency either. When the stool arrived and i did nothing to bring it on; it burns like its mucus and acid. When its hard, it hurts in different ways, and its generally this which i am trying to increase digestive health, but there are so many foods i cannot eat:

Pork- causes vomiting and diarrhea

Soda- swelling of my stomach

Certain fruits- cause immediate burning sensations as soon as they get eaten: anything with citric acid: lemon, orange, kumkuats

The lemonades, juice blends. Etc.

Some types of bread

Cereal: i had been eating oat based cereal like lucky charms, and got really sick my stomach got so much worse; this was three weeks ago, so ive been trying to recover colon health.

I need to know full food allergies so i can stop going through all of this. Trying to not get sick or be in pain every time i eat.

I have also stopped trying to manually control the void with an enema, or stimulating plug. And have tried compensating by taking chlorophyll vitamens to reduce odor. Its been helping, and has only been started in the last 3 weeks, when my stomach got so bad from the cereal (which happened in the same week that the roundup chemicals had been discovered in all oat based cerals from the major companies)

I have a hard time verbalizing a lot of things these days. Interactions with people outside of being able to sit and come up with a verbal or typed response. Its hard to talk to people, its hard to focus on conversations, its hard to process the comprehension of what im being told when im not on any medications. Its getting harder to interact with people outside of work, and home.

I practice mindfulness every day, i try and stay flexible. Ive gotten back to work and can stand for an hour or so, before the burning sensations and weakness to my knees and legs. The cold, the wet, was particularly hellacious this last month. Ive also noticed that my fingers will begin to go numb like my toes, when the upper part of my back (new area). There is also the sensation of someone sticking a sewing needle under my left hand, small-ring-middle finger. This sensation occurs a few times a day, and i wonder if its like the same sensation that occurs in my feet. But its super sharp and focused. So thsts why i think its something else. It doesnt feel like the constant pressure, restlessness, numbness, tingling, the “whitenoise” on an old tv if that visual was a feeling beneath the skin that never stops:

On my upper left thigh from my hip to my knee

On the outer side, has little to no sensation for things other then a buzzing: this occurrence was immedately after my radio frequency ablation.

The normal course of my day for the last 6-8 months. Where there is pretty much no deviation to the day:

4:30 am (last occurrence was on 4/11)

To

8:45 am when my alarm goes off, i have to wait for the feeling to return to my toes so i can stand up and get my day organized.

Within 1-3 hours of waking up, if i do not immediately get in the shower, and spend no less then 45 minutes-2 hours cleaning my rectum.

From that, i cant really eat much, or have much energy after. I usually take about 5 hours to try and get through as much of what ever it is, with out pain medication, so by the time my pain level is making it hard to focus, i take one of my pain meds, muscle relaxer, and benedryll to counteract the itching all over in random pressures and intendities, this occurs from 10:30- 3 pm and while the hour it takes to shower again when i get home or have to change my diaper. I have no energy left and sleep til 6:00-9pm. From 9-11 time watching tv with my partners. Then from10:30 pm i take all my meds. Then 11p-as late as 10 am, no sleep regardless of position, burning feet, numb feet, that burn. Constant hot flashes at night so by the time i was up its been 2-4 in the middle of the night.

Over the past 6 months, ive been running out of medication. If the day is cold, or if i have to drive anywhere, if i have to be on my feet. The one med i have when i get home from work, and then again so i can sleep, has caused me to not get anywhere with managing these sensations. There is not enough or its not effective. My doctors do not listen.

Opiates make me itch. Thats why i take benedryl, and hydroxizine to help reduce itching. There is mediation that they give me in the er to help, but no one has cared to explore if that’s something that would work for my vomiting as well which occurs due to pain expelling stool.

I usually eat about 9-11 pm each day as i try and have something in my stomach when intake my night pills after dinner.

My ability to drive; lasts about 20 minutes. So im able to get to and from single outings in a day, i dont have stamina or emotional endurace to go much beyond this routine.

I cannot travel, can barely work, walk with a cane, and have this is what my normal day is, and has been for nearly 2 years without reiable relief of any kind. No one seems able to understand how limiting it is, how much pain that never stops, how even eating or drinking the wrong thing creates even more problems.

Thank you for taking the time to read.

I dont have anything I can think to do next, i dont have anymore hope that i can go 6 hours without something going wrong. There isn’t anything ive been able to have reliable, consistent relief from since moving to san diego in 2012. Daily management has not occurred, from anything that has been recomended from the long term and my quality of life is between being unable to focus, or interact with others in a meaningful way, or without loosing sensations, stumbling on something, have panic attacks because of the anxiety problems from always being over stimulated to the point where body contact with my partner cannot happen. My skin feels like it burns when something touches it, i cannot wear much without it scratching and leaving marks on my skin, or causing more varieties of sensory hell. My shirts, pants, the pressure from then diaper if its not fitted well. The sensation can be anything from sharp like im being cut, or an another itching or burning in places where things touch me. I have no idea what will happen next.

[malafight]

things aren’t so great right now, y’all

i owe various institutions nearly $500 and have $2 in quarters to my name at the moment. i don’t get paid for another week and a half, but i’m getting fuck all for hours and by that point i’ll owe even more money, so there’s no climbing out of this hole any time soon

i’m missing two of my most important meds, and won’t even be able to get the prescriptions for another three weeks or more, lord knows if i’ll be able to afford them.

mal needs the rest of his shots and to get neutered, very soon -- something which i had the income to take care of when i adopted him, but my hours got cut horrendously and as such now i do not

i have a pile of rotting trash bags on my porch that i cannot afford to take to the dump

i’m not even sure if i’ll be getting my tax return, because i owe so much to the state for student loans. and even if i do get it, i don’t know when that’ll be, and it won’t be enough to cover even half of what i need right now

my dental health is so bad that i’m afraid of going to the dentist to even find out how much i have wrong with me and how much it’ll cost. i’m in constant pain from cavities and broken teeth, and brushing/flossing/mouthwash is sensory hell on top of painful on top of not having the spoons to do it in the first place

i’m stressed and want to cry 24/7. i’m barely medicated and barely functional. i keep swinging between too much sleep and not enough. most of my food is ramen or from the freezer or a can.

i’m trying to get the last commission im working on finished so i can repost my commission info without feeling guilty, but even writing is too much for me to handle most of the time without my proper meds

i’m really not in a good place right now.

my birthday is on saturday and i have no friends in the city to spend it with. i don’t even have the money to treat myself to a nice meal.

if any of yall feel up to helping, my commissions are always open, but turnaround will be slow until i can get my meds again. or you could sponsor a fic/chapter and get a shout-out and a message posted with it. or, if you’re feeling generous, i’ve got a paypal.me page;;; if you leave your tumblr url with any donation i’ll drop by your blog and draw you a doodle as a thank you???

im sorry im just. things aren’t going great and words are hard. i haven’t even been able to talk to folks all that often now because i’m a mess of anxiety and stress. i kinda just wanna become one with the void, yknow?? i don’t know how i’m gonna pull out of this, so right now, all i can hope for is that i hold on long enough to get my meds back and hope that proper brain chemical levels come with a better understanding of how to start fixing my situation

thank you for taking the time to read this. i love you and hope you are doing well. i know how hard it is to scroll through tumblr and see people in bad situations like this, so i’ve been holding off on posting it at all, but i’m just at the point now where i don’t think i have any other options. i’m so sorry.

[autisticthatthouknowestthine]

horrible things that happened to me today

- i missed the dnd game for the group i’ve been playing with for a year, our first one back together, and didn’t even know we needed characters, and now cant be a warlock. also a friend of mine didn’t tell me it was going on. they didn’t think of it, but still.

- a guy in one of my classes got my number for a class but i didn’t know what to do and think it was not-or-a-class which has me feeling sick to my stomach

- i didnt check in if i could come over to my friend-so-close-they’re-a-sibling’s place and have been sitting in my old dorm’s academic center for an hour

- my new hair’s sensory hell

- i don’t have my shit together and it’s hell

- i didn’t do any of my howework and it’s the second day and i feel so ASHAMED

- im going to have to drop yiddish

- nobody in my family cares what’s going on in my life

- i havent called my granddad in a week so i cant convince myself the statememnt above isnt true

- i went off my meds when my p*riod started and now im Having My Anxiety about starting that (and my allergy meds again)

- im stressed and my mental illnesses wont leave me alone

- the neo-nazi rally is in TWO DAYS (i have classes in a jewish museum right now. im TIRED of not feeling like i have a right to be scared, when i AM, im scared to my core, i want to DIE bc of how scared i am)

- i feel like the academic world is slowly trapping and suffocating a self that im not even sure EXISTS anymore

- i cant keep up enthusiasm for anything alive for more than forty minutes at a time

- i want to die constantly

- i cant connect to my culture, i’ll never be able to connect to my culture, and the culture i’d be able to connect to even if i did manage to connect to wouldn’t even be mine, because mine is gone

- i keep crying

- cats dont make me happy anymore