#which like same but im not throwing myself a pity party about it

[master-gatherer]

[somuch-4-stardust]

something that peeves me is like. i dont even know how to explain this but sometimes people will try to comfort me when what im saying isnt meant to be all boohoo sad im just like. being realistic. like i appreciate the effort like genuinely so much but like. it almost feels patronizing? and like disingenuous?? to make it easier to understand like. im wasian! if i said 'i am wasian and it sucks sometimes' and you say 'nooo yr not wasian stoppp dont say that abt yrself!' that just DOESNT MAKE ANYSENSE!!! like its litearlly just a fact??

[strange-ghoul]

im... unwell. read tags

blood dripped down my body from my mouth. I couldn't identify where the pain was coming from, but it was somewhere.

I've thrown up multiple times by now. My body wracked with chills as I laid naked on the bathroom floor. I felt exposed, horrible, disgusting, but there I was. Alive. Somehow.

I crawled my way back to the toilet, throwing up again. The bile got onto my hair and stained my teeth, but I couldn't bring myself to take care of it. I had to get this... bug, out of my system.

The bug being something I didn't understand. It was a feeling in my chest, sinking into my stomach. It was something that began to take over my entire body, all the way to my brain. It made me feel deplorable, it made me feel like my body wasn't mine anymore. The urge to rip aspects of my body off were becoming more and more apparent, where soon I knew impulse control would fail.

Would it be so bad to take a knife to my chest, forever securing the feeling of steel and blood to me? Would it be so bad to take off what has hurt me?

I thought back to the bridge nearby. Maybe it's easier there. Maybe if I fall, I'll be okay. Maybe the darkness would hold me and coddle me, love me until even my memories became dust.

Nobody would be there, and it was night already; does a tree really make sound when it falls, even if nobody was there to hear it?

I crawled back to the side of the bathtub, tears already falling down my face again. Everything on my body felt like it was aching and burning.

How hard was it to be cared for? How hard was it for somebody to reach out to you and hold you? Even if it was metaphorically, even if it was just a writing, why was it so hard to be loved?

I can't feel love the same as others. I don't understand romance, I don't feel it. Neither do I understand human touch.

Was it because I was scarred from it? Was the abuse I endured just enough for me to swear it off wholly?

Or was it just me. Am I aromantic? Asexual? I think so. I have no desire for either, even if I acted that I did.

But did this mean I didn't deserve love?

It sure felt like it.

I took a shaky breath in, coughing out a sob. every tear hurt my head more and more, but I couldn't stop. The cold tiles below me now didn't give me any comfort, only resentment.

I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be held in some type of way. I wanted someone to hold me by the face and tell me they loved me unconditionally, even if I was stuck in a body that wasn't mine.

I need somebody to tell me that everything isn't for nothing. That I am smart, that I am okay, that I am worth more than what teachers, parents, and peers thought of me.

The work I produce from my hands- it's all a lie. I've convinced myself every comment was just a pity party. Who'd look at my creations and genuinely think anything good of it? They all had so many flaws which were irredeemable in my eyes. These people- They were my friends, my family- they just had to be being respectful, there was no way they could feel this way towards anything I wrote. It was wrong.

I don't deserve what I get from those works. I don't deserve the support I get. I don't deserve anything. I feel horrible getting it too- wasn't I supposed to feel prideful when my worked was commented on and loved? So why did I feel a stab of pang, why did I feel like I was never good enough to deserve those words?

Could it all trail back to my self-loathing that had already manifested itself within me?

... i don't know.

I don't feel right in this body of mine. It feels broken and unsustained. I look myself in the mirror and I don't believe it's mine. I can't recognize that face- I don't know who that is. I'm told over and over again it's mine, but it's like I can't compute that.

Perhaps that's why I couldn't understand anyone caring about me beyond the thin layer. Perhaps that's why I couldn't accept compliments about literally anything I've ever done.

... but I'm unsure if this is right.

I just wished I was loved, but I fear even then I'll think it's all pity. As I think everything is. Because, in essence,

Who'd give a shit about me?

My eye lids are heavy; even through the glaring lights of the bathroom was sleep slowly over taking me. I'll wake up tomorrow and regret everything I've ever said and done in regard to my mental health. I'll convince myself all over again that I don't need help and I am simply over dramatic. Tomorrow morning, I'll convince myself I am fine, and nothing will be wrong. And then I'll continue on pushing these thoughts, doubts, and self-hatred aside for another night similar to this one.

I place bets on myself occasionally- will this be the night I'm found dead, or will I hate myself for ever thinking I was anything but a fraud and nuisance?

[fly-like-a-phoenix]

House of Lust (part 16)

Abbé de Coulmier x reader

Summary: Five years has passed since the events of Quills. The Abbé de Coulmier is released of prision by a misterious event. And he will know again those feelings he never thought will meet again: love... and lust.

Warnings: some mentions of violence and wounds, mentions of sex.

Odelle went to the dungeons in the morning, finding François sleeping on the ground, covered with the blanket. She actually thought he was dead for a minute, but he wasn't. He survived the punishment. And she didn't know how.

What she was thinking by now was about that empty bottle and that blanket. Who gave those to him? Was it you? One of the guards? Louis? Claude? One of the guests? No, they didn't know he was in the dungeons.

She opened the cell and approached him. She kneeled beside him and put her hand on his shoulder, moving him to wake him up.

"Abbé. Hey Abbé. Wake up. C'mon."

He started to open his eyes and, at the moment he saw Odelle, he jumped and moved to a corner, scared like if she was the product of a nightmare. He even thought he was dead, and she was a demon from a real Hell.

"Oh, do I scare you that much? That's nice!" She mocked. "Take this. Put them on." She throwed him a new cassock, shirt and trousers, and waited for him outside, smiling. He still had some bruises all over his body, and that made her feel good. But the lashes in his back somehow were cured. And she noticed it. It was impossible he did it alone. Someone must have help him.

Coulmier arrived at her side with new clothes, while he finished zipping the last buttons. He was breathing slowly. He frowned when he saw her standing and waiting for him. He wanted to kill her. It was the same feeling he always had while seeing doctor Roger-Collard.

He thought a lot about him those days in the dungeon. It reminded him a lot of the Charenton cell he made him go into. He thought a lot about Madeline too. And the Marquis. He dreamt about them. And you. He dreamt about you a lot.

"What the hell do you want now, Odelle? What are you going to make me do?" Said he, angry. His nails scratched the skin of his palms.

"I'm not going to make you do anything, Abbé. I'm done with you. I punished you because of what you did. But that's it. Today is the last day of the House of Lust this year. And you'll be free to go."

Was that true? He didn't trust her at all. But she didn't seem to be kidding. Maybe she was going to free him. Maybe it was true. But it was just a maybe. He didn't say anything else. He just glanced at her with hate.

"Now, go to Y/N chambers and clean yourself a little. Fix you hair. You're so handsome, but now you look horrible."

She smiled and left. He heard moans coming from a door next to where he stood. But it was a common thing by now, and he didn't mind about it.

He entered to your bedroom and found you sleeping. He approached to you in silence, sitting at the edge of the bed, extending his hand to touch your hair. You were fine. That was everything he wanted to know.

"Y/N, it's me." He said, and you woke. You scared at first, but then you recognized him.

"Abbé! Oh my God, I was so scared! Are you okay?" You hugged him quickly, not letting him a chance to go anywhere.

"I'm fine, Y/N. I'm... I'm fine. I'm alive." He smiled.

He broked the hug and looked at you im silence, right into your eyes. You kissed him with hunger, surprising him. But then, he continued with the kiss, touching your face and then your neck.

"I've missed you so much, François." You said, and his name in your lips caused something inside of him.

He started to cry suddenly. You didn't understand why, but you hugged him again, caressing his hair with pity. You didn't know what he had been through.

"Why are you crying, Abbé? What is it?"

"I thought your sister was going to kill me, Y/N. She... Let me in that cage like an animal. And, you know what? I didn't care about that. But then I thought about you, and I wanted to survive for you. I'm so glad you're fine! This are tears of joy!"

You hugged each other again, but when your hand caressed her back, he jumped with pain.

"What is it?" You said quickly, noticing he wasn't that right. You cupped his face with your hands. "You're not okay."

"No. Actually, I'm not." He smiled with pain in his eyes, tears still filling those green diamonds. "Your sister tortured me."

"What?! That fucking bitch! I'm going to kill her!" You screamed.

"Don't say those things, love." Coulmier cut what you were saying, putting his index finger in your lips. "I share the feeling, but tomorrow we will be free."

"You're right. I'm sorry, François. You're absolutely right. Tomorrow we can go to any place we wish, together."

"Actually, I want to talk with you about a couple of things---"

"Not here. Wait. Come with me to the bathroom. I'll give you a nice bath."

He smiled and followed you to the bathroom. He took off all his new clothes, and you couldn't help but put your hands in your mouth when you saw him naked. His back was all wounded with lashes. He had a stiched cut in his chest above the right nipple. And many bruises all over his skin.

"Josephine helped me." He whispered, in case anyone was outside. "She cured my wounds. You were right. She is not like Odelle."

"I told you she's nice. I hope she can get out of this place soon." You said, helping him enter the bathub, which was full of warm water. You started to clean the rests of blood from his back with care.

"I wanted to talk about that. I'm thinking she can go with us, at least while we go away from here. Do you agree?"

"Well... Yeah. She's my sister. And yes, she's done a lot of bad things, but I love her. It's a good idea. I agree."

You both stayed in silence a couple of minutes, just watching each other. You were washing his back with care and, when you ended, you started to give him a little massage in his chest and shoulders. He moaned a little because of the good feeling. After those days in the dungeons, it was nice to be back with you.

"Odelle makes a party every year when the days of the House of Lust are over." You explained. "We have to go and act normally. If anyone asks why they didn't see you these days, we can say you had a seminary."

"What happened these days I've been in the cell?" He asked with confussion.

"I don't know. I've been in a cell myself, Abbé. Odelle locked me up in my bedroom. Josephine brought me food and some water, and I had a bath just before you arrived."

"That bitch... I can't wait to be out of here, away from her." Said he, with hate. You couldn't blame him. You felt like that since many years.

"I need to ask you something, Abbé."

"Tell me." He responded, closing his eyes to feel your fingers massaging his scalp.

"When we were... You know... About to make love... And my sister found us..."

"Yeah...?"

"You said you had to confess something. What was it?"

François opened his eyes and looked at you briefly. He suddenly remembered how good you tasted, and the sounds you made while he was fucking you with his mouth and fingers just before he was taken to the dungeon. Yes. He had to confess something. Something awful. And surely you will understand.

"Do you know the 100 Days of Sodom? The book, I mean. It's a Marquis de Sade book."

"Yeah, my sisters have it in our library. Odelle reads it since it came out, and uses to practice somethings in here. Why?"

"Did you read it?"

"Some parts, just because she obligued me to do it. What has the book to do with your confession?"

He closed his eyes and let out a heavy breath, like if what he was about to say was really painful for him. He shocked his head and, with notable shame in his eyes, he talked with low voice.

"It wasn't the Marquis de Sade who wrote it. It was me. Roger-Collard... The doctor who made me be an inmate... When the Marquis died, I started to write as if I was him. I heard his voice in my head, guiding my hand into the paper. When Roger-Collard knew about that, he made me write a long story to print as a book. He told everyone it was the last thing the Maquis ever wrote, but it was me."

"And what about that?" You said, not getting why was that so bad.

"If people is so wicked... If this House of Lust has it existense based in that book, as you said... It's all my damn fault. I... I was so away from God... With everything that happened in those days... My mind was full of demons. And I really understood why the Marquis had to write them."

There was an extended silence in the room, with you finally getting how bad it was for him to write such a nasty, bad and pervert tale as that. Who will imagine it? A priest writing those things!

"Hey. Look at me." You took his face in you hands. "No one has to know. Ever. And I will keep my mouth shout. I promise. It wasn't you who wrote it. As you said, it was the Marquis. But you don't hear him anymore, don't you?"

"No. I haven't hear his voice in a year."

"So, you are you. And that's everything is fine." You said, smiling. He smiled back and kissed you.

"Now, we have to go to the stupid party. This will end soon. And we will be free to do whatever we want."

You helped him to put his clothes again and, back in your bedroom, you brushed his hair with care. He looked at himself in the mirror, and you, standing behind him, approached to him and kissed his cheek.

"You're so damn handsome." You said, waiting for him at the bedroom's door. "And you look so fine... I don't think no one will ask anything odd."

"I'm fine thanks to you and Josephine. And you are magnificent and beautiful too." He responded, smiling, hugging you and kissing you again, as if he didn't spent three days in a cell after a painful and pleasurable torture. "I love you, Y/N."

Guests started to arrive to the dining room from their bedrooms while you smiled at him. It will be a long, weird day. You both knew that. But you didn't imagined what was coming. You had no idea...

Tagging: @darknessisafriend @five-miles-over @yukis-writing @thegirlwho @jokerflecker @missrockabilly99 @luperugorria99 @weirdflecksbutok @skaraboo @starksclown @sgtsavoytruffle @joaquinisart @sophiefleck @the-queen-of-things @ajokerfangirl @bailaycantaconmingo @joaquinphoenixdaily @joaquinfeed @beatlebabe1996

[smallstoriesiwrite]

The Dragon and her Knight

a/n: before I start this. This will be my first time writing a short story that I thought of. So please help with feedback!as well! its very long! its been awhile since i wrote something like years so please bear with me! remember yall are loved!

Tenya x Female!reader 

“We will be family day tomorrow remember tell all your family to come so we can all get to know each other.” Aizawa said

All the class groans

“Hey I'm just the messenger. Principle Nezu requested it for Class 1-A. So please bring your families. And I understand if some can’t make it. But please request they come. Okay class is over for today. Remember to call to see if they are coming and that it’s all day. Class dismiss”

Everyone started packing up when Shoji approached Y/N.

“Hey y/n you excited for tomorrow?”

“Honestly Sho I am. You will get to see my 3 older siblings and my parents again! They are always so busy with the agency we never see eachother.my father is even taking the day off.”

“That’s amazing! I would love to meet your parents again!”

You smile remembering how Shoji met your parents when you fell ill during Flu season and your family came and visited you while Shoji took care of you.

While walking towards the door someone bumped into you hard as you fell to the floor.

“Y/N?! Are you okay?” Shoji asked while helping you up

“Yeah Im fine sho now who the fuck bumped into me that hard ?”

“I must have not seen you there L/N. I figured because you're not up to my level?” Iida said.

“Guess who still hasn't learned how to fix that cursing problem you have L/N? Even as kids you used to curse like a sailor. You really have no manners do you?”

Smirking you said

“I may have a cursing problem Iida. But god knows I don’t have a stick up my ass now do I? And from what I hear you're just mad from your actions.”

“Now why would I be mad?”

“My family is all coming tomorrow and your precious rich daddy can’t take a day off of work now could he?” You say tauntingly

“For your information all my family is coming along tomorrow as well. Even my brother.”

“Ah the laid back Iida is coming too! Wow must be an accomplishment?! Here let me give you the pity award” You say sarcastically

Tenya growled and walked away while saying

“See your family tomorrow L/N. Tomorrow will be an interesting day.”

You rolled your eyes and walked to your dorm with Shoji.

“Tell me why again you and Tenya are always at each other’s throats about y’all’s family’s? “ Shoji says

“You see love. Me and Iida grew up together and were the best of friends. We did everything together from helping both of our older brothers with their suits to eating family dinners together. “ you say while arriving at your dorm and unlocking it

“Our older brothers were best of friends and so did my sister and brother got along with Iidas older brother. We were always neck in neck in school and Quirk power. Until one day my older brother Kyo (I’m just gonna name the siblings and if that’s your name I’m so sorry😭) was top of his class and was beating Iidas brother in both hero work and school wise. It was never more than a friendly rivalry between them but our families took it seriously. Iidas family found out that Kyo was excelling faster than Tensie. And surely enough my brother graduated top of his class and knowing how to control his quirk.”

Going into your dorm you set your backpack down and Shoji did the same. Starting to change into normal clothes while shoji did as well. It was so common for shoji left clothes because he always slept over.

While changing you continued

“So when graduation came along both of our families decided to have dinner with each other before having our own big parties  separately. While eating dinner at Kyos and Tensies favorite restaurant our families started to compare our brother's work and every time they tried to one up each other until finally Iidas' family said “You know what? Our sons don’t need to hang out with your kind. We are better than you all and our Agency and money proves it. You don’t have enough money to raise 4 Children! Ha you guys are low lives we will never associate with again.” According to Kyo, Athena and Laxus

Tensie defended us and tried to apologize but it didn’t slide with my parents. We left and ever since we have been rivals. We were never the richest like them. We worked for our big agency. My father and Kyo run the Agency.

It has been a rivalry between us as well. That’s why I study for long hours and as well practice my Quirk with Kyo Athena and Laxus when they come around to visit or present. They all graduated top number one. I want to do that as well.

Iida is just a reminder from my past that tamiles like them exist. They are born into riches while we work for ours. I can never forgive his family for what they said to mine. You know how much I love them. My family is everything to me. We might have arguments and disagreements about my future and the agency but at the end of the day they are my headache to deal with and honestly I don’t mind.” You say smiling and looking at Shoji

“But you do remember that time you lost a dare and kissed Tenya that one night I thought for sure you were over this rivalry. I swear every time I bring it up-“

You cut him off by throwing a pillow at him

“STOPPPPPP WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT! IT WAS A STUPID DARE IT MEANT NOTHING!!!”

He laughs and says

“SUREEEE you came back a squealing mess and so unsure of your feelings that night to my room.”

I sighed and looked at the grown

“You know I can’t love him. My family wouldn’t approve and you know they are my world.”

“But n/n you need to realize that it’s your future. And your love. You love him don’t you.”

Sadly nodding

“I do. But he hates me. He doesn’t see me as a potential lover. He sees me as a rival he needs to crush because his family says so. My family wanted me to have that mentality as well. But for the love of fuck we held hands growing up and he gave me flowers because he thought it would go pretty un my hair.”

You say while walking to a small box of memories and pulling up photos of Tenya and you as children and dried flowers you pressed.

“I’ll just love from afar Sho.”

He nods and pulls you into a warm hug.

“Remember bestie I’m here for you. Anytime anywhere and if I have to knock some sense into Iida when he’s mean to you. Even if I don’t like hitting my classmates I will do it for you.”

Hugging tighter you said

“Thank you really bestie thank you.”

“Now let’s get to studying. We need to review for next week's test. But we can listen to music and dance around as well.” You said smiling while pulling away from the hug

Shoji nods and grabs his work while you turn up the music.

——time skip to next day brought to you by my raging headache and wanting to eat as well my spelling errors———————-

“Hey y’all made it!” You said running towards your family

“Hell yeah we did we miss your stupid face!” Laxus said while hugging you

“Haha I miss your dumb face as well.”

You said while pulling away from the hug

“Hi mom hi dad “ you said smiling and hugging both

“Hi my love, how are you? Are you eating well? Not forcing yourself too much are you? And Shoji, where is he?” Mom said in a hurry

“Women, she will never understand you. Calm down, I'm sure they are fine. Right love?” Dad says

“Yes dad I am, don't worry mom I’m okay I’m healthy and breathing no I’m not giving myself too much and Shoji is just with his parents In his room before we meet up in class for the activities.” I say while looking over to see Athena and Kyo walking our way.

“Tell me again you sleep deprived child why are we here again? Family day was eject a thing back when we went to school” Kyo said while leaning into a hug

“Nice to see you too Kyo and I don’t know honestly. Guess to get closer. Dawg we've been through so much shit together as a class I think In principle eyes we need to like to know each other on a deep level I guess.” You say while pulling away

“Well beats me honestly it gives us time to relax with you and spend time with our small child we raised now come here and give your sister a hug.” Athena said while giving you a bone crushing hug

“Look at her now she was Bitching the whole way saying she was hungry and didn’t want to relive her U.A. memories. Now she’s hugging you.” Kyo said while wrapping his arm around Laxus.

We all laughed when we heard

“I see you still have a cursing problem L/N. You haven’t changed since U.A.” Tenie said

“Well you see Engine arms we love to keep it real with the family and no filter who do we need to please with our manners? Now you can just simply ignore our “vulgar language”now can you?” Kyo said tauntingly

There was a dead silent between them when Tensie said

“I’m just fucking with you Kyo. How you been, haven’t seen you in months brother.” Tensie said while hugging Kyo laughing.

“I’ve been good! traveling to America for hero work and Singapore. How are you?”

“Even since the accident I’ve been in my wheelchair but I’m still helloing the old man with work at the agency. Mister and Misses L/n hope you guys are well. “ Tensie said

My parents simply nodded there head with a straight face

“The Devil Dragon herself. How are controlling your powers going?” Tensie said to me

“I’ve gotten better. Athena has shown me ways to control them better and so has Laxus and Kyo at times.”

“Now that’s good! I say take better points from Athena. They don’t give her that name for nothing. Now do they?” Tensie says flirty to Athena like who simply rolled her eyes and said

“ in your dreams Iida” while smirking

“Ah so I’ll dream of it tonight.” Tensie said and laughed

Which left Athena a blushing mess

Before Tensie can talk again I hear

“Son, why did you wander off again?! We told you to meet us at the Classroom.”  Mister Iida said while approaching us

“Yeah Tensie, we thought you got lost?” Tenya said as well

“I'm a fine father. I was just saying hello to Kyo and his family. And how could I get lost Tenya I came here to school. I can only go so far with my wheelchair.” Tensie said

Our family locked eyes and said

“Ah The L/N family I’m so surprised they let you children come to this school after your first son.” Mister Iida said

“Well I have you know Iida, my daughter and Son graduated top number one in their class as well. And our last daughter is not too far behind. I hear from Eraser that she’s number one in her class. And her Quirk is more lasting and controlling than anyone’s” my father said while stepping up

“You see Tenya isn’t too far behind and I’m positive he will beat your daughter. And her devil form.” Mister Iida said while giving me a side eye

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my dads hand

“Come on dad. Let’s go do the activities and see around.”

“Okay love let’s go.” He said not even saying nothing to the Iidas while I spoke up to Tenya

“Keep your father on a damn leash or i'll send him to a nursing home.” While bumping into him harshly

[time skip]

After a day of fun activities and hanging out with Shoji and his parents everyone decided to meet up in class to have the introduction part over with.

While everyone introduced their family my name came up.

“Y/n your turn “ Aizawa said

While dragging my parents and siblings up there I said

“Hey guys you know me Y/N I am the youngest of 4. There is my brother Kyo you may know as “The Fire Dragon” he is the oldest. Then there is Athena who y’all may know as “The Wind Dragon” who is second oldest. Then there is Laxus who you may know as “The Thunder dragon” and lastly me who happens to be “the devil dragon” us 4 beautiful babies came from our mother Lilac and our father Ivan. Together we all run Dragon Slayer Industry. Any questions?”

Someone spoke up and said

“Why does your name end with dragon?”

Kyo spoke up and said

“When we activate our Quirk our facial features slowly change into a dragon form. We saw that in the patterns of myself maturing into my Quirk along with everyone. You see, our cheek has scales at times when we use our quirk and Wings as well but only if we are fully using our powers. It differs for Y/N tho. Due to the fact her transformation is more lengthy and more levels towards her dragon form. She posses our strongest form of Dragon Slayer which is Devil power.”

I looked down and smiled when my dad speaks up

“She’s the youngest of our 4 children but we love her as much as we love our 3 eldest. They all happen to be our pride and Joy of Dragon Slayer industry.”

We all look up and dad and he gave us a soft smile

After everyone introduces their families and explains their quirks, Principle Nezu stands on Aizawas shoulder and speaks.

“All of the Families and students meet up in the common room of The dorm we are having karaoke night with the families!”

Me and Athena locked eyes and smiled

While Kyo and Laxus groaned and sat their heads on both mine and Athena's shoulders.

“Awwww what’s wrong Lawx? You don’t wanna perform?” I say while scratching his head

“No, because we don’t sing well, you and Thena always sing better than us.” He mumbled into my shoulder

“I mean that’s true but we know our old school songs don’t we Laxus?” Kyo said optimistically while wrapping his arms around Athena's neck

“You guys legit screamed Drivers License with me and Y/n when it came out. What makes y’all think y’all can’t sing?” Athena says while getting up and following the crowd to the common room.

“Did you really sign the driver's license with your sister Kyo?” Tensie said while his family behind him

“Hell yeah I did. It’s manly to scream with your sisters in the car about a breakup song. And I love them too much as well.” Kyo said proudly

“AWWWWWW you love us?!” Me and Athena gushed

“Shut up you guys” kyo says while pushing us

We both laughed and look at tensie

“What song are you planning to sing?” Athena asked

“Well hopefully a duet with my brother but if not if you want I can do a duet with you?” Tensie said

Athena blushed and mumbled

“Yeah sure.”

I smiled and quickly looked at Tenya who was just smiling at his brother and kept quite along with his parents.

“Are y’all planning to all sing together at least one song? “ Tensie ask us

“HELL YEAH WE ARE! “Laxus yelled happily

“We already have a song in mind. We relate to it too much so we might sing that one!”

We all nodded in agreement and arrived at the common room. It was big enough for the karaoke machine that was hooked to the t.v.

We all sat down Iidas family not far from us and Shoji's family right near us. Me and Shoji smiled and shared snacks while everyone performed.

So many performances went on From Sero and Ojiro performing

To me and my siblings

To Tensie and Tenya

Me and Shoji as well

And even Tensie and Athena

To even Bakugo surprisingly

Everything was coming to a end when Mina requested After her song finish

“I request Y/N and Iida do a song together to close it off!”

“WHAT?!” Tenya and I screamed

“Yes, that would be an amazing idea!!!” My sister stated

“We second that!” My brothers and Tensie said

All the class started agreeing and even there parents while I looked back at mine and Tenyas parents

“Love. It’s all up to you, we won't be mad at you if you do.” My mom stated

My father was about to say something when kyo covers his mouth

“Go sis. It’s okay. Right old man.” He said forcefully

I sighed and got up and said

“Well are we doing this or not engine legs?”

Tenya nodded and got up as well while we headed to the small stage and we looked at eachother and sighed.

“What song are we gonna do?” Tenya asked quietly

“Well I don’t know we can pick random-“ before I can finish the sentence Tensie and Athena walked up and said

“We already have a song in mind. Here this one” Tensie pointed to “Beauty and the Beast and before you say no one we won’t let you leave so do it good” Athena said smiling and walk off with Tensie

“Let’s get this over with Engine legs. I'm sleepy.” I say while pressing play

The music starts

I sing

Tale as old as time

True as it can be

Barely even friends

Then somebody bends

Unexpectedly

I look at Tenya and he smiled and turned to me

Just a little change

Small to say the least

Both a little scared

Neither one prepared

Both of us at the same while looking at each other

Beauty and the Beast

Ever just the same

Ever a surprise

Ever as before

And ever just as sure

As the sun will rise

Ever just the same

Tenya singed and looked into the crowd

And ever a surprise

Both while Turning to the crowd

Ever as before

While I sing sweetly

And ever just as sure

As the song goes on we became more emotional and more one with the song

Both looking into eachothers eyes and singed

Bitter-sweet and strange

Finding you can change

Learning you were wrong

We scooted closer together

While still singing Tenya puts his hand on my cheek which makes me melt Into his hands and forget anyone was watching. I felt that the world stopped while looking into his blue beautiful eyes.

Tale as old as time

Song as old as rhyme

Beauty and the Beast

Beauty and...

Beauty and the Beast

Singing the last note, Tenya pulled me into a kiss.

It wasn’t a dominant kiss, it was more of a passionate and tender kiss.

Happily kissing back we sadly pulled back for air and realized we were around people.

I turn to see my siblings clapping and jumping around and my mom's smiling face and my dad's soft stern look.

To Tensie clapping and hugging Athena and Iidas parents' shock.

Finally I pulled away from Tenyas grip when I felt being pulled off the stage by Tenya. Dragging me to an empty room.

“Wait Iida what are you doing? Dude let me go” I say while struggling to get out his grip when finally we stopped in an empty study room.

“I'm sorry I pulled you away. It was too much commotion for me to speak to you in private.” Tenya says while looking down

“Why did you kiss me?”

He stayed silent

“Tenya, why did you kiss me?” I say softly

He chuckles and says softly

“I haven’t heard you say my name in years. I forget how smoothly it came off your lips.”

Smiling sadly I grabbed his face and looked at him.

“Huh yeah it’s been awhile hasn’t it. But really why did you kiss me? I understand if it was in the moment and not meant-“

“Wait, you think I didn’t mean it?!” Tenya says with panic in his eyes

“Well with the rivalry and the mean comments and just brutal training against each other  at times I would never think you would like me or even kiss me.”

“I understand where you're coming from but I need to assure you that I do care for you. Even after the stupid and inconsiderate comments my parents said years ago. I never stopped caring for you. This rivalry is so dumb. if I see Tensie falling in love with Athena. Why can't I do the same.” Tenya says

“Wait, you love me?”

“I always have. Since the day we met when Kyo and Tensie had a group project and you came over with Kyo to my house. I remember your beautiful c/e looking so afraid and didn’t want to leave Kyo’s lap because you only knew him. And while I tried to persuade you to come and play with me in the garden I remembered I overheard your mom say your favorite flower was f/f and lucky for us we had it in the garden. I begged my mother to cut the smallest flower there was.” He smiles and continues

“I grabbed the flower carefully and ran back to Tensei's room where you and Kyo were. I sat next to Kyo and I saw your eyes light up in the sight of the flower. I asked if I can put it in your hair and you nodded and I said-“

“It looks beautiful. If you come outside with me we can make a beautiful flower crown for a princess like you.” We say in sink

“You remembered” I say softly

“I always have.” Tenya said

“What do we do now? We both like each other and just want to be happy with each other. Without our parents at our throats.” I say

“Come.” Tenya says while holding my hand

We both ran to the common room and saw nobody and I looked to see that both of our family’s were in my dorm room. I tugged Tenya and pointed to my family. He quickly dragged me with him and while we approached our families we heard our fathers argue.

“If your daughter hadn't come to this school Tenya would be number one!”

“Oh please that is so not true and you know that. Your son wouldn’t be number one even if my own daughter wasn’t here. She got so many recommendations to come here like Endeavor's child!”

While they argued I see our mothers knock on my door

“Y/n sweetie please open the door. We know you're in there with Tenya.” My mom says

“Y/n its okay me and your mother are not mad. Tenya please convince Y/n to open the door.” Tenyas mom said

I see on the floor crouching down my brothers and sister along with Tensie who seemed to be calling our phones. And I remember I left my phone on my bed.

“Mom, I'm right here.” I say

I see my family look at me and Tenya holding hands.

“Oh thank god. We thought you locked yourself in your room.” Athena said while getting up and hugging me

“Oh no I just left my phone on my bed. I just talked to Tenya for a bit and we want to talk to y’all actually.” I say while looking at my family and his.

“And before we go into my room. Please stop the fucking arguing this rivalry is gettin old. Of who’s better or not. Both of you men are reaching an old age, stop arguing and act normal. I will not tolerate it in my room. If y’all do I will spray you with my spray bottle that has water. Got it?” I say while unlocking my door

They nod and all pile into my room.

My siblings sat on my bed with Tensie next to them.

My parents and Tenyas parents sat on the couch I had.

After everyone settled in Tenya spoke

“I understand that this rivalry has affected me and y/n in many ways you wouldn’t understand. From me and Tensie losing our best friends to hating the idea of them succeeding. Tensie matured and became friends again with the y/n family and hell even fell in love with Athena. I always respect you father because you always knew better for me but this is my time to choose and I choose to be friends and more with Y/n.”

“I understand dad that you don’t like me associating with the family who made fun of us because of our wealth and status. And god knows I'm still upset but it was never Tenyas nor Tensei's words. Even misses Idas words. And I know it gives you rage and anger seeing with the son of the man who made fun of us. But dad. Im old enough to choose who to associate with. I know mom is okay with it. But I want you to be okay with this as well. I'm not asking you to forgive them this instant. But please work with Tenya and Tensie they are trying to make amends.” I say with tears in my eyes

“Father. I love her.”

‘Dad I love him.”

We say together

Our father look at us and each other and sighed

“Darling I will try for you.” My dad says

“ I will as well.” Tenyas father said

I smiled and ran to hug my parents.

“Thank you really thank you” I say crying

My parents hugged me back and kissed my forehead

My sister pulled me from my parents grasp and threw me to my brothers who hugged me

“Look at this little devil dragon growing up it was just like yesterday you told us to shut the fuck up.” Laxus said

“If you dont let me breathe ill make sure you don’t have children you fucking dick” I say struggling to breath

When they let me go I see Tensie and Athena hold hands having there cute couple moment

I smiled and walk over to my record player and put the disc vinyl of Cage the elephant and

“Cigarettes Daydreams” played

I look to see my father dance with my mom

As well with Tenyas parents

With our siblings singing

Distracted in the moment i hear

“Can I have this dance” Tenya says

I smiled and slowly danced with him

“ We will make this work. I promise.” Tenya says

“We better. I know I didn’t kiss you as a dare for nothing.” I say while looking up at him

“I remember that kiss. You ran off to Shoji's room while I stood shocked and eventually went back to my dorm and overthink the kiss.”

We both laughed and that’s when I sing

“Soft speak”

“with a mean streak” Tenya singed

“Nearly brought me to my knees” we said softly as we danced to the rest of the song

Do do do do do do You can drive all night Looking for answers in the pouring rain You wanna find peace of mind Looking for the answer If we could find a reason, a reason to change Looking for the answer If you could find a reason, a reason to stay Standing in the pouring rain

[grasslandgirl]

im distracting myself from the impending doom of a six month hiatus and everything that... happened in MAG160 by thinking about all the Wonderful possibilities for jonmartin dynamics post-159 because I’m a sucker for pining and minor miscommunications and dumb fanfic tropes and I’m dragging all of you along on this ride with me!

1) They’re Both Just Chill: there’s no miscommunications, no misunderstandings. despite what peter said about them not knowing each other super well (and maybe he raised some valid points, despite being an asshole) they DO know each other well enough and had a deep enough connection during the look at me/ i see you, jon scene that they both just (for lack of a better word) Know. they look into each other’s eyes in the middle of the Lonely and they see the love there, and the hurt and the pain and the anger and everything, but they do see the love. and they recognize that, oh, we’ve been so dumb this entire time. and there’s no big Talk, no awkward stumbling around the question, they just move forward from jon and martin to jon-and-martin because they’ve wasted enough time already, haven’t they? they can’t afford to waste any more time at this point, and hey. they kind of have bigger problems going on, right?

2) I Really Loved You, You Know: ok so this one i’ve seen in quite a few fanfics and speculative posts about this one, and jon misconstruing how martin uses the past tense when talking to him in the Lonely, and can i just say....... it’s very good. you have jon, who’s been desperately trying to reconnect with people, especially martin, this entire season, who dives headfirst into the Lonely after him, and maybe he heard martin’s tape with elias from the end of s3, maybe he knows about martin’s feelings for him, maybe he at least suspects, and maybe he doesn’t; but the point of the matter is that he goes into the Lonely after martin because jon’s in love with him and i think we can mostly all agree that at least by MAG159 (and we can argue about WHEN he realizes it, later) jon is aware of his own feelings for martin. but he follows the man he loves, and he finds him, and he’s begging him to follow him out of the lonely, to come with him, and martin tells him that he loved him. really loved him. loved him, as in past tense. which, like, if you think about it? that’s SO heartbreaking. but jon keeps after him ANYWAY, and he breaks martin out of the Lonely’s grasp and they walk out side by side and then you’re left with jon, who is terrified on SO many different levels, and thinks that he failed, again. that he was too late with martin, too late to be his friend, too late to save him from Peter, and too late to love him, and he saved him, he did it, but it’s still heartbreaking, right? and juxtapose that with martin, who’s just been literally pulled out of his own loneliness by the man he’s been in love with for three years, and he told him he LOVED him and jon Didn’t Respond. and like? all the hurt and the pining and the trying to take care of each other despite everything and despite your own hurt that can happen there? SUPER good

3) Clueless Jon Doesn’t Know He Has A Boyfriend: this one kind of crosses over with #2 but it’s a little lighter and a little more fun. essentially you have martin, who says he loves jon and assumes jon heard his tape with elias where he outed martin entirely and sees jon come into the lonely to save him and hugs jon while crying when he comes to his senses and walks out of the lonely hand in hand with jon and thinks, quite reasonably, that ok, they’re dating now. and you have martin “caretaker” blackwood who’s worrying over jon and taking care of him and letting jon take care of him, and making him eat and they do all this vaguely date-y stuff because the world is kind of maybe ending, but hey! martin’s in love and hes going to enjoy it goddamnit. but then one day our beloved archivist, jon “emotionally obtuse” sims, has nearly a breakdown and he starts rambling on about how he’s in love with martin and he’s sorry and he wants there to be something between them and how he doesn’t want to change anything and this is terrible timing and he doesn’t even Know if martin feels the same way but he needed to get this off his chest etc etc etc and martin’s just like “i thought. i thought we were ALREADY dating.” which is.... hysterical if you ask me

4) Jonathan “Fuck The Lonely” Sims: kind of the opposite of the last two, in which jon is LESS of a moron than anyone expected! jon “the archivist” sims actually... thinks! he listens to the tape of elias and martin from MAG118 and reevaluates every interaction he ever had w martin after he wakes up from his coma and realizes that martin’s in love with him, and not only that, but HE’S in love with MARTIN, but has no way of communicating that to him until 154 and that whole conversation is just jon trying (and failing) to say “i love you. i love you and i know you love me and lets just say fuck this place and go. please lets just go the two of us, say you’ll come with me. i love you.” and martin. doesn’t understand. but then 159 happens and jon follows and they have That Moment and jon thinks that Finally they’re on the same page and meanwhile you have martin, who’s PEAK in his pining time, fresh out of a good year of self isolation and pure loneliness and needs a while to pull away from Forsaken and thinks that he’s alone in his pining after jon, because jon never said anything about the tape with elias, or martin saying he loved him in the lonely, and is completely clueless to the fact that jon thinks theyre straight up dating and are just taking it Slow. and then one day jon is like “hey ready for our date later” (they had dinner plans or smth but this is the first time he outrightly calls it a Date) or he kisses martin briefly on the forehead or cheek or smth and martin is like “WHAT IS GOING ON” and jon is just. baffled cause he’s not used to being the oblivious one in the relationship

5) Just Full On Pining Hours: theres some crossover here with both #2 and #4, but specifically this one is where BOTH jon and martin are full on in love and are idiots and think that the other person Doesn’t Love Them Back :( possibly featuring: jon focusing on the past tense of “i really lovED you, you know,” martin comparing jon going into the lonely to save him to jon going into the buried to save daisy/ cutting the bullet out of her leg to save melanie from the slaughter, jon being dumb and thinking all the statements he’s heard about martin’s “feelings” are elaborations/inaccurate/only in the past/etc, martin being so stuck in the lonely he pulls away from jon on instinct, jon caught up on what peter said about them not really knowing each other and MAD second guessing himself and questioning what his feelings for martin are really based on, both martin and jon throwing themselves MAJOR pity parties about falling to the power of the eye/the lonely respectively, jon going into “im a monster and im the worst and ive lost my humanity” mode and thinking he’s not Worthy of being with martin in the first place, martin being haunted by his time with peter and the lonely and keep falling back into the habit of pushing people (jon) away “for their own good,” etc etc etc etc! just a lot of sad pining hours bc these guys have been through a LOT and it’s hard to just drop straight into a healthy relationship (or Any relationship) when there’s so much baggage and history there in between

6) Run Away With Me, by Carly Rae Jepsen: I said what I said. i want them to be happy and so what if they run away and blind themselves and leave the archives and live in some house in another continent and never think about any of the entities again? i get to make the rules, its my fantasy au world and jonny can’t do anything to hurt them here

[teddy-feathers]

sent an email to my drug shrink so at least i did that like i said i would

im probably overreacting.  but things are getting hard. Its been this way for a while actually - i tried talking to dr slick about it but I discounted what i was saying even though in retrospect its clear this is what it was. I'm. 

i dont want to say depressed because ive been worse. Ive been capital D depressed and Ive been helpless and useless with it and not given a damn or maybe cared so much it swalllowed me whole. 

but i mean i dont want to do anything. nothings fun anymore or has been fun for months. and like i try and do things because i want to want to do them. i know i enjoy these things but I either go through the motions or just stop frustrated and bored. or irritated. even reading which is my one true love and escape i have to force myself to focus and find myself skimming at best. 

the whole reason i bring this up is this past weekish. its like. ive been building up toxen in my system and no way to let it out. and now its like my body's asleep and moving is pins and needles. distant static not intense just hard to want to move through. and. wednesday i thought about throwing myself down some stairs so hard i got light headed at work. not to kill myself just... just to get hurt bad enough i wouldn't have to go anymore because i dont want to do this anymore, i dont want to do anything anymore. like i keep thinking im lazy so lazy because its work but its not just work - work is just the only thing i really do. i stayed home two days after that and i feel like im just going to have to keep forcing myself through the motions and its not going to get easier and at some point ill go back to being that lump who just wanted to lay there and wait to die. 

ive got a trip coming at the end of September to visit my friend in Pennsylvania.  And thats not that far away. but i dont feel like ill have a job then or even want to go because whats the point. and even if i do go im not going to be any fun to be around. i just want to sleep. which. i wanted to go on this trip. i wanted to see my friend and make plans for the future and moving and its five weeks away and instead of feeling like i just need to hold on until that long and itll be okay i feel like giving up. on everything. all of the time. its stupid. 

i think the medication helps because i havent had a breakdown. even wednesday. i just got. concerned. because i dont have the greatest track record with impulse control when it comes to hurting myself to get out of things. but i actually told people what i was thinking so i wont do it because then it cant just be a stupid accident anymore. 

and i know it sounds lame but ive got people telling me I'm not usually lazy. i care about my job usually too much. ive had several people tell me i need to talk to you, and say it may be the medication... i wanted to stop taking it so i could have a breakdown so i could believe theres something actually wrong with me that can be fixed and im not just being stupid and lazy but those same people pointed out fucking with my meds is a bad idea for many reasons and i listened to them. 

do you think there is a chance its the meds? or that there is something wrong with me. i haven't followed up with the shrink yet, i know i need to but even i dont believe me and im already going through the motions trying to push through and im afriad thats all anyone can tell me to do and that's just. not enough right now and hasn't been enough for a while. 

im sorry to bother and i really appreciate your time and consideration. 

pity party sounding pos but its sent and i did it and im.... well not proud of me. just tired. id like to stop being tired

[dracwife]

it's 4am and im yearning don't look at me ,, i get sappy sometimes ok

If you were to ask Fenryr Theyj'a what his favorite part of Io was, well he'd likely be obligated to respond that it was one Asher Mir, considering the nature of their relationship. If you were to ask him his second favorite part of Io was, he'd likely look rather longingly towards the horizon, and express his sadness that the planet's beauty had been taken so forcefully by the constant warring as of late. His third, of course, would be the springs that dotted said landscape, and the relaxation and comfort that he'd come to associate with them.

Oh how he longed to be there now. Io had, after everything, become his new home. It was a rare occurrence - Guardians finding something akin to domesticity. It was a sense of belonging, and left Fenryr wondering so little of his past life that he almost forgot about it entirely and looked forward only to the future he was building to now.

He had been gone far too long, and had only a vague notion of when he'd be back. While he loved the company of his Ghost, it hardly compared in both nature and scale to being in the mere presence of Asher's personality.

In short, Fenryr missed him dearly. And he could only assume Asher felt the same, judging by the rather long, rambling transmission he was receiving at that moment. While he duly enjoyed hearing the Fragmented Researcher's rather grating, whiny voice (which, Fenryr reasoned with himself that he was certainly allowed to think because he loved Asher so excessively in either case) it would likely distract him from his mission and cause him yet another wave of sadness and yearning - he could only imagine Asher's disgusted groan at the phrase, sarcastically commenting on "How...endearing" the thought was - that he felt he did not need at that moment. He opted for a transcription instead. He found himself reading it bit by bit as he punched in the coordinates for Nessus, realizing just how far it was from Io. Apparently Asher had caught wind of the mission as well, likely from Ikora Rey after much nagging, as Fenryr began reading less of Asher's scientific ramblings that he tried so hard to at least pretend to understand and more of Asher's complaints about being alone on the Vex-infested planet they now called home, and just how far it was from the occupancy of the Exodus Black.

And I hear they have you across the galaxy again. I think I shall speak with the Vanguard about how frequently I find myself alone here, without your company. Though I suppose I shall tell them it is the lack of protection that frustrates me, that seems more a concern of theirs; I assume that subtly adding the fact that the Vex are growing restless here may change their priorities and, I hope, their insistence on dragging you away to some Hive-ridden planet every free moment you have.

The research is slowed without you to help, of course, but going well nonetheless. I can only assume your general lack of understanding of my work means you also understood nearly nothing I may have commented on earlier, but know that I am content with my progress since you've been gone. I'm not sure how much closer I am to the answer, but as of late I can feel myself beginning to believe that any progress, even if it is minor, is worth celebration - a skill that I believe you have taught me for the better…

I don't wish to worry you, but you are the only one I would dream of telling this: I fear I am growing worse with every passing day. I cannot say this for sure, but...My intuition tells me it won't be long before what little control I have left of my arm is completely gone. 

As much disdain as I may hold for the Pity Parties people tend to throw themselves, perhaps this is a point I will bring up with Ikora privately. For my own wellbeing, and to cure this impeccably potent feeling of...Loneliness, I wish to have you here again. 

In addition, I have decided that I shall concede with the idea that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Every day that you are not with me again I find myself growing more distracted in my downtime. Eating alone is no longer time to brainstorm, and lying alone does not help me theorize anymore. Instead, I am feeling rather upset that you are not with me, and find my mind wandering to the many things we could have been doing had you been there. I have had no less than three full hypothetical conversations with myself and the you that isn't here in the past forty-eight hours. I'm not sure if I should classify this new habit of mine as a nuisance, or a sign. I fear what it may say about me if it is the latter. You have changed me for the better, there is no doubt, but…

I'm afraid. My emotions distract from my work. I know this well, and yet I do not seem to care. My work should be my top priority, but alas my mind wanders to your touch, the sound of your voice, the comfort of your heartbeat every waking moment. I'm unsure if it is the consequence of...Such strong emotions that I feel, or rather my mind's response to what little progress I have made to save myself and therefore stand facing an inevitable death.

I will not lose hope yet. I learn more every day. There were times I would believe my efforts were in vain, and pondered if trying at all was a worthwhile use of my time. Now I strive for even the smallest victories, and celebrate them - to myself, of course - as I would a breakthrough. 

I do this because I believe I wish to try all I can now. For you.

I await my Knight's return to me.

By the time Fenryr had read through it all, he had barely reached Nessus' orbit. With a new sense of urgency, he prepared himself for the mission at hand. He wished this to be as easy and quick as Zavala had promised.

For he too missed his Gensym Scribe, and wanted nothing more then but to return to him again.

[revol-lover]

i know i have become a shit post queen but this site is a good place to just dump thoughts when i’m too lazy to actually write them down so don’t mind me. also i’m “ok enough”. like i’m not ok-ok but i’m not like badly not ok. 

ok? anyway.

so idk what it is. being raised by emotionally distant parents esp my mom or the depression thats probably also related to that but man i just feel so empty for such long periods of time. empty, or maybe detached is a better word. and just really really restless. and also that when i have good emotions, i dont feel them all that much. idk. sometimes i feel like i’m on the outside looking in on my life. i have a lot of feelings but then at the same time i dont. maybe because i repress a lot then it all builds up and explodes. idk. its awful though. 

i also feel like i have two very distinct sides to me. half of me is like fuck this shit i just want to self destruct but i wont because i’m too responsible to do that and the other half is like wow life is so interesting i am a spirit not a body and i want to be an enlightened being. neither of those sides of me is less me than the other. neither is a farce or anything but its fucking hard for those two sides of me to coexist. the only middle ground, which is probably like 1/3 of the time how i feel, is blah. neutral to absolutely everything.

and i think ive talked about this before but before the whole corona/quarantine thing i was at this extreme level of DONE with feeling isolated in my life, esp as a sahm. done with falling into the trap of believing being a mom was my whole identity (and its definitely a part of it, of course. but i think its unhealthy for moms to think its all we are) like i totally lost myself for a while. my daughters birth being traumatic and her having potential life long complications (and ‘potential’ meaning, her diagnosis is so complicated. theres never going to be a time where we get a real “all clear”. some kids have developed seizures again way down the road, especially at certain ages where kids go through a lot of development.) and then ofc just raising a child with all of that going on, plus normal toddler craziness, plus having a kid who is super hyper and smart and amazing but parenting after having a difficult relationship with your own mother is one of those things that is really hard and not talked about enough. i never feel like im doing enough. i never feel like she likes me.i know thats so stupid but i really am that insecure about my parenting, no matter how hard i try. i just want my child to love me and sometimes toddlers do things that make you feel like crap (ex ‘i dont want u mom i want daddy!’ and i can rationalize it, dad’s the exclusive parent. i’m just here all the time like the furniture. i get it.) and its just a big complicated thing with my emotions. not what i was trying to say tho i got off track.

anyway the isolation thing. so i had a plan. a plan!!! i have this one awesome long time friend, honestly my only friend outside of my husband who knows me like the good bad and ugly, has known me for a very long time, and has been there for me through some really tough shit. he’s like the brother i never had, truly. (i have a biological brother but we dont really talk.) so i talked to him about things i was going through and he’s also been going through a challenging time in his life and he told me he’d help me get out there. we were going to force me to learn to socialize and make friends in “real life” by putting me in those situations. we were going to go to some poetry club. a show downtown. like i was ready. then corona happened. and my already crawling out of my skin isolation got worse because hey we cant do anything now, not even see my one friend. 

so yeah. i was fine in the beginning of all this because i figured, hey by may itll be over! then hey by june! then maybe 4th of july. which has become, my daughter is so excited about her birthday party in august and i dont even know if i can throw her one and i dont know how to deal with this or explain it to her.

i know this is major first world problems and im all over the place and i document this dumb shit because i hope one day i’ll be so far past it and be able to look back and think well wow i made it through 2020  but yeah idk

i think part of it is i’m turning 27 in two weeks and my saturn return thing is just getting so close and i’m starting to see the beginning of shit in my life crumbling underneath me. like i know what i gotta do. i  have to put myself out there. i have to get out of my safety zone. and i have to use my gifts to help others not just sit here drowning in my self pity but obviously its hard to challenge yourself and put yourself out there, literally, during a pandemic. 

and the last point which is just something that boggles my mind about myself that i dont understand. like i’m definitely depressed. i have very bad anxiety too. and even though i can be extremely self pitying and go into like a black hole of sadness, i still dont let myself do bad things. which is good, obviously. but its iike i’ve been recovered from self injury for probably about ten years but some days i am so deep in my shitty feelings or empty feelings that i just want to do it again but i cant. theres something in me that wont let me. and i guess im glad for that, obviously. i guess my life/universe/guardian angel is trying to force me to face shit for real and not just have shitty coping mechanisms but idk. like it was a bad outlet but idk. sometimes, just sometimes, i feel like it did more for me than just writing things out. which is bullshit because it did nothing for me except give me a bunch little permanent reminders of shitty times. but idk. that’s my brain for you. sometimes i want to just let it all go and be a mess in my feelings and not care if i’m ok but then my brain is like nope bitch you cant do that. youre not 17 anymore, get up.

and i know some people would read this (well no - no one would read all this lmao but in a theoretical sense) and think like, oh did you try therapy or oh maybe try meds and the thing is 

therapy - i tried it. i liked the idea of it. bad fit with the therapist tho. didnt like being kicked out after 45 min (which i understand but bitch i need more than that to explain one problem) and it felt weird to be told by her, that she felt like i had a good handle on things. cause i dont really feel that way and i feel like she didnt have much to tell me  in terms of how to idk fix myself besides journaling, which i’ll give her. it helps

meds: i i dont really want to go that route yet because my body is really sensitive to medication. like i dont even take bc or anything like that. however i think ive decided that since its super legal and obtainable i might try pot once we are able to move into our own place. so if anyone did actually read this far and have experience with that (esp w anxiety) please enlighten me. i had some samples of some cbd stuff and it was amazing for my anxiety but it’s way too expensive for me to use consistently.

this has been a very long shit post but i feel better so theres that.

[letsdiscoverkitty]

CPA update (30th August 2019)

I did not plan to write this this evening but I needed to get this out somewhere.

I know I haven’t been very present online and I can only apologise for that but as you can imagine things have been quite challenging since being admitted. I had my first CPA so I thought I would make a little post to help me begin to process it/get some thoughts down....(warning: very long post ahead, snacks may be necessary, and I am sorry if it does not read well/make much sense, I literally just typed my heart out)

For those who are not sure of what one is, a CPA is basically a care plan review where your treatment team review the past few weeks/months (time since the last review) and then start to plan the next stages of your care. It is a chance for different members of your treatment to meet and make sure that everyone is on the same page. Today my CPA consisted of my consultant, one of the nursing staff from the ward, the OP ED nurse I was seeing before I came in, myself and my parents. The first half of the review was just between professionals, I was then called into the room for a discussion followed by my parents nearer the end.

It is hard to remember what I have shared online so I am sorry if some of the things I mention do not make sense but I will try to cover most of what happened. I had my ward round on Thursday (due to the bank holiday weekend just gone), in which a lot of new ideas were brought to the table as, well, no one really knows what to do with me… A week or so ago I wrote a letter to my consultant as I was beginning to worry about what the plan was for when I was discharged (as it was being implied that I was to be discharged over the next few weeks)/that my community team were not replying to any messages and that I was concerned about going back home to live at my parents house.

My main worries with returning home were mainly because it is a place where I have been unwell for many years and I find that when I go back there it is almost like anorexia snaps back without me realising it/I can’t control it. Sadly due to being unwell at home for years, I do associate home with bad things, I also do not currently have no goals or things to be working towards (i.e. I have no education to go back to, no job lined up or thought about to go back to) and the worry is that I would be going back home to just anorexia and relapsing backwards. Throw into the mix that my mum retired last week, as well as the family dynamics always being quite rocky (along with being geographically being incredibly socially isolated), I think it is fair to say that I was extremely worried about the prospect of home leave let alone moving back home permanently and with very limited outpatient support.

A long story short, my consultant agrees that going back home is likely not going to help me move on/recover/give me a chance of living a life beyond this, however she also does not believe that staying in an acute EDU will help (which I do understand). In terms of why she thinks that being on the unit for longer might not help include that my weight has not been reaching the targets that are expected, I am struggling on leave/when I get given more control, as well as the usual pitfalls of being on an EDU like being trapped around a lot of other acutely unwell people, having the identity reinforced and the lack of responsibility/it not necessarily coming from me. I floated the idea of going to live in Reading with Andi however she shot me down straight away at that stage saying that I was far too unwell for that…

Anyway, to get to the point, she wants to apply for funding for me to go into residential treatment. This is not something that I know much about, although I do know that getting funding for a place is very very hard and that there are very few places that offer it in the country….from what she explained to me it is a more holistic approach, with the focus on helping you build a life beyond anorexia whilst also supporting you nutritionally. (it sounds far too fairytale-esque for my liking…)She said that as I have had a lot of psychological input and have been under services with very few gaps over the years, that it was obvious that a new approach was needed and that this style might be that. Apparently I have incredible insight/understanding however because the anorexic neural pathways/cognitions have become so strong and rigid, I find it near impossible to force myself to follow through with the theory that I know so well.

I honestly have no idea how I feel right now. I am utterly lost and confused and don’t really know what to do with myself. I feel like no one knows what to do with me/what will help and they are just trying to get rid of me. I want to recover, I really do.  My consultant said that it is not that I don’t want to or don’t have motivation, but that it is the degree of severity of the illness and the complexity of my case, which kind of helped but also left me feeling very broken and hopeless.

She tried to explain all of this to my parents today and I am actually relieved that she was able to speak to them about it as there is no way that I would have been able to approach the subject. She explained it in scientific terms and tried to be realistic about the whole process (which could likely take months to apply for funding, let alone get on the waiting list/pass assessments).

My OP team are apparently supportive of this and are going to work together with the IP team, my consultant and the therapist I was seeing as an OP to put together a proposal for the CCG. Sadly, as I have mentioned this is going to be quite a lengthy process and I don’t really know where it leaves me…If this were not being explored then I would be getting discharged to the same very minimal support that I have had over the past x years, which has not been enough in the past.

So what now? Good question. Basically I have been told that I have to “prove” to the CCG that I am not just in need of an acute EDU admission and that the funding would not be going to waste…this means that I have to show that I can maintain my weight in the community (or gain if possible) as if I were to relapse they would likely just say that I need an acute admission and refuse the funding, leaving me back at square one.

This admission was never going to be a long one, I knew that, but part of me was hoping for a bit longer…I suppose it has brought to the surface the necessity for a different approach to be explored, which I hope means something. Basically my admission can’t be extended, that has been made clear, and I now have a discharge date for two weeks time…with little to no idea of time length beyond that in regards to this talk of residential.

I honestly don’t know what to think or how to feel right now, I really don’t. Part of me thinks that they are making a big fuss over nothing and that there is no way that I will get funding as there are so many people out there with far worse scenarios than mine who need it more. At least I have a home to go to, I know there are many people who dont, so I should really just suck it up and try and do what I can at home with the support that I have.

I have no idea what the residential would entail practically but I am worried that it could end up feeding into my eating disorder even more? I know the reason for the admission would be to help me build a life beyond anorexia, but surely being stuck in a place like that almost reinforces that identity? I dont know, I am very confused about everything right now :(

Short term plan: I have an appointment set up with the ED nurse I am to see in the community for Monday morning and have been given a bit of extra leave this weekend to make it possible for me to attend. When I return to the ward on Monday afternoon I will be moving onto transition and have been promised that I will have a number of appointments with the dietitian over my last two weeks in order to create a realistic maintenance plan for when I go home (as well as trying to get my mum to attend an appointment with the two of us). I am also trying to get an appointment for my mum to come to a family therapy session (they have pretty much written off my dad as someone who can be supportive for a number of reasons which I do not want to go into right now) Being on transition hopefully will give me a bit of an opportunity to self-cater some meals and practice before I move back home for the foreseeable future.

It all feels very rushed and uncertain and I was not expecting to get this much leave this weekend so don’t really know what to do with myself but yeah I suppose this is where things are at. The ward has been quite a tricky environment so on the one hand I am glad to have some space, however Im also worried about it too.

I am sorry, I realise that this whole post probably comes across as extremely selfish and stupid - I wish I could shake myself/pull myself together and just do what I know I need to do but whywhywhy do I keep ending up back in the same place time and time again? I have tried so bloody hard over the past x years but it has never been enough….I do not want to end up being sent to a unit where I will spend months/my consultant briefly mentioned that admissions are usually between 1 and 2 years long…I really dont. but I dont know what else to do with myself when so many options have been explored. I am tired of it all, of everything. It is like I dont know where to turn anymore. Part of me feels like I am just getting palmed off from place to the next because no body knows what to do with me. sigh. I am sorry for throwing this pity party. I wish I had some more positive news to share with you all. I suppose yes I have made some progress since I was admitted. I have gained weight. I am no longer in as much danger as I was. I have had to face a lot of changes in terms of routines, eating different foods, times, I can think a little clearer, I have more concentration etc. Things are just very hard at the moment and having everything in terms of my treatment thrown up in the air like this has made me feel even more unsettled and uncertain about everything. I have no idea what the next few weeks/months may hold so for now I am going to have to continue to take each day as it comes and see where it takes me. Sorry again for the ridiculous  length of this post, you genuinely deserve a gold medal if you have stuck with me through this.

[the-numbers-game]

life update - long ramble

readmore

in less than three weeks, i will have finished my postgrad. it’s been a hecking fast course, and very intense at times. like most things im a bit gutted at myself for not trying as hard as i can. but i’ve done mostly okay considering my efforts. a range of grades. i was gutted last term that i got a c in my criminal litigation class just due to my nerves. all my content was perfect, i was just shit scared of public speaking. i bombed conveyancing cos that class was shit. but i did good in my other two and i’ve got good grades this semester so far. but i’ve also missed more classes, and i think i bombed my oral last week, and i’m bound to bomb my oral this week too.

idk how i will adjust to being not-in-education for the first time since i was 5 (3, if you include preschool). tbh, if i dont get a traineeship i may go back in 2021 or 2022 and do a masters. something on the constitution and human rights. maybe i’ll write about labour again.

 i’m gonna chill for a month or so, working my 2.5 days at work whilst i still have my student loan rolling in (LOL, i get hardly anything cos i’m a pg and most of it is gone in the repayment of the personal loan i took out to do this course). then, i’ll increase my days to 4. i can live off 4 days, and it means i can still count this job as not being my life whilst i hunt for a traineeship, and failing one that starts pretty soon, another job. i’m fixed term, and i was lucky in i got a promotion, but the promotion was also for a fixed term position. 

i hope my contract is extended, i put my face out there a lot at work primarily for that reason. i go on training courses and sit on committees, partly because i get away from my desk but also because it makes me look like i care about my job. i’ll mainly look at the public sector, as i feel like i belong there, i like flexible working and having an interesting caseload. and then law firms, as maybe if i get an admin job at a firm they will take pity on me and recruit me. failing those two, i will look charities/trade unions/politics before resulting to texting someone at my old work and begging for a job back. or maybe i’ll do agency work. fuck idk. i shouldn’t worry about it. i’ll get a job, right? 

i do hear back this week regarding a traineeship. i’m not hopeful. i never am. but the interview did go really well. i didn’t stammer, i spoke freely, we spoke a lot about unions and the labour party and i felt like they liked me. they only interviewed 6% of applicants, so i’m lucky to get through and even if i don’t get it i know i’ll be less anxious about interviewing for traineeships again because i know it can go well(ish). if i do get it i’ll be over the moon, it’s not human rights and it’s not public law but they do a lot of union work and pro bono, and that’s good enough for me. 

over the years, the way i experience anxiety has changed, dramatically.  for a while, i had quite a good support network of ‘safe adults’. like my friends, past and present, and callum, have all been remarkable, but i think being able to relate to adults/people in authority when you’re not quite an adult yourself is good for validation. it didn’t last long and friendships and ‘drama’ started to consume my life. when i finally moved out of retail into an office environment, a lot of my anxiety, especially the physical stuff, shifted. i shit you not, i would physically throw up before many of my shifts in retail. so again, i thought i was coping as things weren’t as bad as they were back then. especially when it came to depression, as i actively removed myself from the main environmental factor causing me to have low moods. 

i was dumb, cos of course i still had sadness and anxiety. it was just different, and because i channeled a lot of stress into uni, being new at my job, and being skint, it felt like there was always an excuse it wasnt anything about me,it was xyz and hey fuck look at least im not barthing and crying every morning yeah?

but 2019, whilst being a year of several incredible highs and generally being a good year was full of anxiety and due to me doing such an intense course with lots of orals, i realised, yes, i may not be taking as many panic attacks as i took when i was 18 but i felt as bad, fuck, even worse socially and internally, than i did back then. so i went to the doctors just before the new year, and got put on drugs. 

that was a big step, as i always have a fear about the doctors but i have a really good gp surgery, my main doctor is a bit odd but really helpful. one of the other doctors did a whole law degree and the diploma before deciding it wasnt for her and she wanted to go to med school, so shes a really good person to turn to. the reception staff are kind (and you can book appointments online too, which i find really helpful). i think as well, i always viewed my anxiety as mild, and in a way, it is, but in a lot of ways, it is not. medication has certainly helped. i take antidepressants and beta blockers and whilst im not a super happy confident girl, i can cope a lot better. i’m no longer physically anxious (if you know me irl you know i am a shaky bastard) and my brain doesn’t run through the same STRESS as it did. so im grateful. i know meds dont work for everyone and that it takes people years to find something good for them, esp for people with a lot more complex mental health issues than me and my anxiety but i found ones that seem to be working, at least for now.

this year, i’ve tried to look after myself more. i’m saving for a house after opening a help to buy isa last year. i noticed my vision was being a bit blurry from time to time and that my eyes felt really strained when looking at the computer. so i booked an eye appointment and it turns out im short sighted. wearing glasses, as well as fulfilling 12 year old me’s fantasy, has massively helped my general fatigue. i’m gonna book in for physio at my gp, cos i have a dodgy shoulder, and due to general stress, both the dodgy one and the other are in a lot of pain constantly. i try and do a proper skincare routine in the mornings and at night. i’ve always loved skincare but usually just take what i’ve been gifted but i’ve had fun exploring brands and building a collection. i’ve asked for extensions at uni when i’ve needed them, and took time off when appropriate. i’ve been meeting friends more, and not patching messages. 

right okay- i’m falling asleep now but this has been a ramble which probably makes no sense but if we are mutuals or whatever i appreciate you and thanks for dealing with my bs.

tldr - finishing uni soon, probs gonna be looking for a job, doing better in life and with my mh. 

[jackarchived]

( cismale ) haven’t seen JACK HALL around in a while. the DACRE MONTGOMERY lookalike has been known to be (+) HONORABLE & (+) NURTURING, but HE can also be (-) IMPULSIVE & (-) OFFICIOUS. The 22 year old is a JUNIOR majoring in MARKETING. I believe they’re living in AUDAX but I popped by earlier and no one answered the door. ( alli. 19. cst. she/her. )

yes i know..... another character...... im mad at myself too.... anyway heres jack LOL ( death tw )

i. history

born and raised in a small town in virginia, jack ernest hall was the eldest child of samuel hall, a professor at the local community college, and melissa hall, an elementary school teacher

always athletic and adventurous, he hardly spent any time indoors. his best friend was the family border collie, athena

when jack was 8, his mother gave birth to his little siblings, twins named michael and sarah 

his family was one of the less wealthy in the town, but jack compensated for this by being generally well liked 

he had a knack for football, taking on the role of quarterback with poise. he was a natural leader on and off the field 

DEATH TW tragedy struck the halls, and the town as a whole, when jack’s mother was shot in a hostage situation at the bank. he was just 13 at the time and the shooter was the older brother of one of his friend’s from school. 

the once cozy hall residence became of a house of grief and loneliness after that. melissa tied the family together and had been very active in the community

jack’s father started teaching night classes in addition to his typical course schedule to make up for the loss of melissa’s income and any money they received in compensation for the murder was put towards the children’s college funds. 

with no one left to watch the twins, jack was pretty much always Permanent Babysitter unless he could talk his elderly neighbor into watching them for the night 

DEATH TW summer before his senior year, jack broke his femur and a few ribs following a fall from the town water tower. the fall was the result of a drunken fight he had gotten into. the other boy in the fight also fell, but did not make it out of the event alive. ( this guilt eats at jack. he’s never been the same ) 

the town took pity on jack because of his mother. everything was ruled a tragic accident, however his football career? over 

senior year he mostly just partied and tried to help take care of the twins who were now 10 and decently old themselves. he had a serious girlfriend for a few months but they broke up due to constant bickering

he really wanted to leave his small town

he decided to attend lockwood because of the distance away from home. it put enough space between them to help him forget, but he can go back in an emergency. he always anticipates an emergency 

ii. other 

he’s kind of bossy. he’s used to being listened to and getting his way, but he doesn’t even really realize this himself 

he normally goes home every summer, but this summer he will be going to amsterdam and he’s kind of nervous about being so far away from his family 

really fatherly, noble personality. he’s always trying to do what’s right for everyone. bears a lot of unnecessary responsibility 

tati was someone who used to fawn over him, but he has very little interest in anything beyond a hook up and he prefers a chase. feels uncomfortable when people are straight forward and interested in him and didn’t like tati’s reputation. 

he’s pansexual, doesn’t care what people think about him in that regard. he knows he’s a huge casanova, probably breaks a few too many hearts, but he thinks he’s protecting himself 

big vintage, all american boy aesthetic. his pinterest board is HERE 

iii. wanted connections

previous hookups-- any gender, any opinion on jack, maybe even ex’s or like an ALMOST something serious but that’s way less likely than a drunken decision at a party 

friends-- jack hates to be alone so he would have a ton of friends! maybe just met through class and text occasionally, maybe they’re super close and do everything together, maybe it’s a whole rag tag group of kids playing knights, anything throw it at me 

roommate/s-- he lives in audax hit me up he’s probably really easy to live with he’s clean and likely not ever home 

little sibling/s-- not his actual twins lmao they’re 13 BUT someone/s he looks after like he always has his siblings? its kind of second nature for him at this point 

sportys-- he’s probably going to try out for a sports team soon so someone to recruit him for that? someone that doesn’t like him and doesn’t want him to try? he’d likely want to take over and be captain he’s bossy. 

frat brothers-- he’s in a frat bc of course he is but i haven’t decided which one yet?? so help me decide?? 

any wanted connections you have that jack could fit?? he’s a revamped muse so he’s pretty malleable rn honestly 

[causeimalady-thatswhy]

Is this room getting smaller?  It feels like its getting smaller.  I hear the sound of footsteps in the apartment above.  Our window is open to try to circulate the suffocating air and I hear cars driving past, going well over the speed limit.  Our TV is on, the portable dishwasher is going, and I hear two unfamiliar voices enter the building.  Which is like sitting on your bed in the house you live in and hearing someone walk down the hallway right past the door to your bedroom, only you have no idea who the fuck they are.  We hear everything here.  All of the noise is polarizing.  And then I hear my kids.  I get lost in the noises of our musty cave.  My children find me and bring me out.  They ask for a snack.  I smile, say no.  They continue playing.  They don’t know, because this is all they know.  I continue sitting, lost in thought, dreaming of anywhere to take them that isn’t here.  

We almost rented a house. A few times.  But things came up, we decided not to, we decided to wait. Four years later we���re still where we were.  Everything is more expensive, so we fucked up. We’re trapped.  In this small apartment.  With the small rooms, that feel smaller with four people living in them. Four people.  900 square feet.  That’s not even that bad.  I hear stories of people close by and far away that have it way worse.  My mind wanders to that place, and then the guilt sets in.  I should be so lucky to live where I do.  There are people in the world who are suffering.  I don’t deserve pity.  But as much as I try to pull myself out, I am suffering.

We almost bought a house. That just happened.  We got so close to freedom.  We were denied our loan.  The details make sense now, but we were told it was a go.  We were pre-approved, our offer accepted, all inspections passed, title work done, closing costs covered.  Nope, just kidding.  A week before closing.  The closing of our hardest chapter, by far.  A week before we could get the keys to a real home, with a real yard, and a real fucking laundry room.  With neighbors far enough that if they lit a bong the smoke wouldn’t damage our mattresses and couch cushions and my innocent babies wouldn’t wake up with black boogers.  Neighbors far enough where I don’t have to explain to my young children what they’re smelling in the hallway as were walking down to do laundry.  Neighbors far enough where when there are domestic disputes until 6 am, loud enough where it sounds like they’re going to spill through our cave door, our kids wont wake up confused.  Neighbors where if the drunk idiots next to us decided to throw a fucking party, the bass from their stereos woudn’t scare my kids into thinking there are loud monsters in their room.  Privacy.  Peace. Fresh fucking air.

I live in a safe place. Safety, to me though, is relative to your mind and your thoughts.  My sister basically lived in the ghetto and mentally, was totally fucking fine.  She wasn’t scared.  My apartment has “security”.  The security guards couldn’t do anything about the drug problem but hey at least I have a number to call.  I live in a safe city.  Full of tourists in the summer, rich or poor people in the winter, but pretty much safe. This city, like most others, is completely unaffordable for people trying to start their lives.  Low paying jobs galore, expensive homes galore. Middle class?  Gone.  There are people in the world who are dieing.  I am selfish to think I deserve more than them, more than those mothers who, like me, so deeply crave a better life for their children.  But their better life is across the country, continent, ocean, world.  Mine can be almost anywhere in my county.  I am blessed and lucky to be born in America.  But am I really safe? Never.

My husband is a veteran. He went to war instead of college. When it came time for reenlistment, I was pregnant and he decided to take me home and try college again.  He does everything for me.  I say he doesn’t show me affection but everything he does, he does for me.  As I’m writing this he is talking to me more than usual, and touching me more than usual, because he knows.  I want out of here. I want my kids out of here. And hes the only one who can do that for us.  Really I should be fine, the pressure is on him.  But my mind betrays me.  He works hard. He deserves a house more than me, but my kids deserve a house the most.

Theres a park down the street with a playscape and a cute beach on the bay.  My kids basically grew up there.  No backyard, remember?  Once when we were at this beach, my kids were playing on the playscape.  Two men were sitting on a bench looking out at the water. They both got up and walked towards the parking lot, towards us.  One man was holding his phone, and as he got close I saw that his camera was on.  He smiles at me, looks up at my son, takes a fucking picture of him, and says “cute kid”.  Safe my fucking ass.  No where is safe.  I could kill myself for not ripping the fucking phone out of his hand, and shoving it up his weird old fucking ass.  I called the police, because I am who I am.  And the person on the phone seemed concerned, but my husband said everything was probably fine.  Except I read about pedophilia and weird fucking people on the internet all the time. In my mind, one of those people might now have a picture of my son. Because we don’t have a backyard.

Theres a splash pad downtown where I live.  It was shut off and my kids were too little but I try to get them outside when its sunny. I try to take them places and give us all some fresh air, a break from our cave.  So I got the double-jogging-stroller and we walked.  I have a stroller for every occasion, my parents think that’s weird.  But when you live in an apartment its necessary.  I always have to pack, and plan, and prepare when I want to go outside. We were walking back to the car from this splash pad, looking out at the water.  A man starts walking toward me.  He has a phone in his hand but I didn’t notice until he took a picture of us.  He told me “You belong in Hollywood”.  I smile and quickly walk toward my car.  He gets into a green truck with branding on the side.  At least this time the kids were bundled in hats and blankets.  They probably weren’t visible in the picture.  Safe.

Once I was at my friends house. She owns her house all by herself.  She is not afraid, ever.  At least I don’t think.  We got out of the car and started walking to her front door when a man on a bicycle rode by really slowly, and stared into our eyes the entire time without saying hi or anything.  When he got to far and had to break the stare, he turned his head around the other way to keep staring as he kept riding his bike.  Eventually he stopped looking.  My friend told me, “Ive never seen anything like that here before”.  I know….its me.  But I digress.

I packed a lot of stuff already.  Each box is labeled with it’s contents and what room of the house the stuff was going to go.  I printed out the dimensions of the house so I could have them with me if I decided to go into home depot and plan.  I planned how I would arrange every room.  I thought about where I would put a Christmas tree, how the tree in the front yard would be perfect for a tire swing. I thought about how cute it would be to put pumpkins outside and what it would be like to take my kids trick or treating without driving them somewhere else.  I thought it would be fun to build a teepee in the backyard for the kids to play in, and what it would be like to actually be able to have bonfires.  Once I dreamt that we pulled up the carpet to reveal hardwood floors, just like in Fixer Upper.  Now that we’re staying I might as well throw away the stuff in the boxes.  I packed almost half of our apartment and we still don’t have any space.

My family could have stayed with us.  There were two rooms in the basement.  One for a guest room and the other for a playroom.  Perfect.  We live 4 hours from our families.  My husband and I both work.  He works a lot more, so im home a lot more.  He has always been good at making friends.  I guess its probably me...I think im nice, friendworthy?  Maybe im too nice.  Either way, I was going to try to convince my mom to live with us in the summer.  Then I would be safe, and have company.

I grew up in a suburban middle-class subdivision.  I played outside with kids in my neighborhood all the time.  I was born in 91, so I am one of the last generations that remembers a time before the internet.  We didn’t even get a VCR until DVD players were a thing.  I loved my childhood.  I had fun. I had a happy and healthy childhood with parents who loved me and a safe, happy home.  I was spoiled for that.  I know now, that is rare.  And that is to be treasured.  And I must do that for my children, as soon as I possibly can.  They are loved, and we laugh, but only inside.

I have to mourn the loss of this home, the memories never to be made.  Painting my kids rooms.  Watching them play in the leaves. Watching them ride their bikes.  Reading books by the fireplace. Picnicking in the backyard.  My kids playing with our neighbors, who are the same age.  Planting a garden.  Going on adventures without going somewhere unfamiliar.  Opening the back door and letting them run.  Just run and run.  I want to let them out and let them run until their little legs get tired.  And then bring them inside for a sandwich.  I feel like Sandra Bullock in Birdbox.  I don’t want to have to tell them to slow down, that they will die because cars are driving by too fast, or people are doing drugs on their balconies, or to tell them they cant play on the sidewalk because the creepy guy above us will linger out there too long.  I have to mourn the loss of my kid’s almost first childhood home. And pray, pray, pray it will come sooner than later.  But hey, at least we have somewhere to live, and to everyone else it’s probably safe.

[some-dark-side-writing]

Sickness vs jealousy

Anti X reader

Request: Then may I request an Anti X reader where the reader catches a cold and reluctantly Anti agrees to have Dr Schneeplestein look at her because he does care and he realizes that she is gettting sick. When Schneep comes over Anti gets jealous because he somewhat tries to flirt with her, but in the end she assures Anti that she is his. Thank you!

It started with a lot of sneezing. You thought it may be hay fever and Anti begrudgingly stocked up on tissues for you when leaving you comfortable sofa and blanket burrito made you dizzy even thinking about it. His worry started when he returned from his quick visit to the shops to see you unconscious and sleep not even waking you as you started to slowly slip off the couch, probably would have woken to a bang on the head if it wasn't for him re-positioning you, which didn't even wake you to his surprise, even when he teased your state out loud. In fact you only woke a few hours later, Anti crawling into your blankety warmth and flicking through tv while you slept, when he noticed your snoring which was very loud right now suddenly stop as if you couldn't breathe and you shot awake to blow your nose, throat croaky and eyes barely flitting open.

After that Anti helped you upstairs where he got you into bed and biting his tongue, wondering whether to ask if you needed anything or if that would be soppy and weird. Fortunately you crashed as soon as your head hit the pillow and he could just attach himself to your warm body to shut down for the night and forget this ever happened.

That didn't work however as his sleep was interrupted by you waking up to blow your nose, or clear your throat, or get a drink and groan, normally, yes, he'd just pin you to the bed and growl at you to shut up or he'd make you but he didn't think you were well enough for that, instead he patted your back when you hunched over the toilet bowel and put you near a fan or heater whenever your temperature changed, but he was always unsure if he was doing the right thing. By the time the sun broke through your curtains the two of you had barely slept which wasn't good for your well being nor Anti's mood, especially if you refused to stay in bed one more time, he'd already put you as taking a sick day and refused to let you do anything for yourself, which was pretty annoying for the both if you since Anti couldn't even entertain you he was trying for the fourth time to make you some food that you'd eat.

Eventually though Anti realised he couldn't help you. he didn't know how.

"Anti!" you called out, a coughing fit following shortly after. He dropped his last attempt on the counter and jogged upstairs, he was surprised you were sitting up, amused seeing your feet kicking out to try and untangle themselves from the knot the blanket had formed, Anti sighed, fixing it for you and even tucking you in which you didn't realise he knew how to do, once he'd tucked it under your waist looking down over you he asked "Yeah y/n?"

"Can you get me some more water please, unless you're going to let me walk to the bathroom and get it myself?" you asked hopefully. Anti squeezed your hand, looking seriously into your eyes "More water coming up." he got up and took your glass and your bin full of tissue while you rolled your eyes and lay back down exasperated and bored, massaging your temple in pain from throwing your head back like that. Once he came back he looked pitifully down at you, sitting on his side of the bed as you turned to face him, only to shoot up again when your nose started to run. "I'm disgusting right now Anti, i'll honestly be fine i don't want this image of me scaring you for life." You joked while Anti gave small chuckle. "You'd be surprised at my tolerance of what in find disgusting, y/n, and nothing you could ever do would ever lead you close to that line."

You nodded, feeling better as Anti wrapped his arm around you and you lay your head against his shoulder, trying to quiet your sniffles. Anti sighed after a while, and thinking you were the cause you looked up at him. "What's up?"

Anti groaned, conflicted before turning his gaze to finally look at you, hand testing your scorching forehead and cheeks before sighing. "I'm gonna call Schneep. You need more help than i'll be able to give you." You smiled at that, your arms circling around his waist as you snuggled into his shoulder more, because he was a wuss when it came to not being the biggest, greatest thing in your life and he was adorable when he was jealous of others being better, "Aw, thanks bud." You joked as Anti bit the shell of your ear, growling playfully which caused goosebumps to rise on your skin, something he definitely didn't miss. "Don't think for a minute i'd take pity on you because you’re a weak human who's sick, i'll still take ya." His fingers poked you sides while his arms were the ones encircling you now, like a cage he wouldn't let you escape any punishment for teasing him, growling in your ear and threatening to bite until you swelled his ego again.

A few hours later the doorbell rung and Anti who was sitting in bed with you paused the tv and pouted over at you. "Do I have to answer it?" he asked cutely and you shook your head. "Nope. I can walk downstairs and greet him my-" Anti had glitched out the room and you heard a shriek as Anti had no doubt either appeared right in front of the poor doctor's face or electrocuted him with the doorbell.

You quickly made sure the room wasn't a mess and you didn’t look a total disatser, brushing your hair with your fingers since you were sure Anti had fried it and made it all puffy like he loved to do, before Dr. Schneeplestein opened the door to your room, Anti shoving his way in front of him to lay next to you before the accented man could take a further step.

"Y/n! It iz good to zee you! Ve haven't caught up in zuch a long time!" Henrik went to hold your hand, lips drifting towards it for a kiss before Anti, who had much quicker relfexes than yourself, snatched it out of his hand. "Wouldn't do that doc, she's infectious." Your cheeks burned but Schneep took this as a different sign you guessed since his hand instead now moved forward to cup your cheek, the back of it soft against your skin as you could feel Anti vibrating next to you, it was making your legs feel fuzzy where you sat and harder for your eyes to focus. "Anti..." You whispered, taking his hand in your own as his gaze softened only slightly, you only caught it since you knew him so well. But he let you go and got off the bed, the world thankfully steadying. Anti's eyes never left the doctor and Henrik's hand moved from your forhead as he had to straighten to try and seem taller than Anti. "I'm gonna get some vaseline babe, shout if you need anything." He had backed into the doorway now, threatening glare not leaving Schneeplestein. "Thank you Anti." you croaked with a supportive smile to your boyferiend. "Yes. Zhank you." Henrik added, nodding with a determined smile at him, a smile that said 'I know what im doing, hurry along now.' not that you could see that since the boys seemed to be in a staring competition, but soon enough Anti ran downstairs, you could hear his light feet battering against the carpet as he obviously didnt want to stay away for long.

You smiled apologetically at Scnheep and he could immediately read you. "Y/n if you're upset by zhe glitche'z outburztz and jealouzy you zhould not be vith him. You zhould be vith zomeomne who knowz better, iz more mature, knowz how to look after you. I don't zee zhe glitch bitch az any of zhose zhingz and it concernz me zhat you are mizzing out on life ztuck vith zhat moron." Schneeple said as he placed down his own cold medicine that you'd heard from Chase's partner worked a treat.

Your eyes narrowed as he spoke, maybe this was why Anti had even considered asking dr Iplier to help rather than Schneeple, you knew how much he distanced hismelf from any Ipliers, it should have been a red flag, but you could take care of yourself, even with Anti's denial of it recently not letting you express that. "Thank you, doctor." You swiped the medicine into your hands with a nod and a wink "But I think I can take care of myself."

Anti came back into the room just then, vaseline in hand as he asked with a joke, "You're not trying to go on a nature walk again are you?" Completly ignoring the doctor as he walked past and under the covers with you, kissing your warm head as he snatched the medicne, ripped the label off and began to read all the ingredients listed.

The good doctor looked between the two of you who weren't paying him any attention before clearing his throat, giving him the same 'yes, what?' eyebrow from you and Anti. "I'll be going now, im very buzy after all, y/n..." he looked towards Anti who was sneering at him, lips tightening before looking back to you "ztay zafe." You pat Anti's hand that rested in your lap and Anti lifted his chin and looked at you with a flash of bright teeth, seeming proud. "Oh don't worry, I will." When Schneep left you finished that sentence "Especially with worry wart here." smacking Antis arm as he flinched back defensively. "Ow! What was that for?"

You laughed tiredly, kissing his hand and your other hand poking his hips in retaliation for earlier. "You. Thinking you had to protect me from the knowledge that your doxctor friend was interested in what you already had. Although don't get me wrong, I have you back, like way more. You're totally reeled in." Anti groaned, handing you the medicine label and while you were confused you saw stuck under it a note with his number on and an 'x', a kiss, next to it.

"I didn't want you to feel, weird, or unsafe." He shivered, having hid this from you since the septic christmas party where Henrik was intoxicated enough thanks to Chase to be obvious about his affections, being more obvious after that, like with the hand kissing thing, for fear Anti would stow you away. You swigged the medicine, immediately feeling better, you suspected Marvin may have been too shy to admit his involvement in this miracle cure, as you hugged Anti's arm tightly, eyes slipping closed as the label had suggested taking a nap from the drowsiness side effect for it to work faster as Anti helped lay you down, letting himself be pulled down with you. "I'd never leave you like that. Anti I love you, and thank you for making me feel better, even if you didn’t cure me you put yourself and your fears aside and let me be cured and now I won't die, so thank you." Anti was gald your eyes were closing so you couldn't see his surprise on his face as you slipped out the 'L' word, his only reaction being "I'm sure you wouldn't have died." and once you were an hour into sleep him kissing your lips so lightly as he told you "Love you too."

[roccoreceipts-blog]

CALLOUT FOR MARS / BARON / ROCCO / MIMI / PIPPI / MARIA WHO CURRENTLY OWNS @VINYLBITCHIN + @HANDFUCKIING + @FLESHPRAY + @SHESCHISM + BUNKERKEPT . CONTENT WARNING FOR ABUSE, PEDOPHILIA, RAPE, RACEFAKING, ETC.
 


a quick introduction though i'm kinda uncomfortable, im 17 i run a few blogs on this hellsite and i have some concerns for people's safety. this isn't a petty post either, is genuinely fearful for myself and others she's abused in the past and will continue to do so and it's about time we all came out about this because it's gone on way too long and i blame myself more than anything for holding back. i just felt unsafe and i do more so now but it's worth other people's safety. and everybody knows i'm definitely not one to do something like this and i've had such a hard time coming out about this from guilt. i want to make this short and to the point. i don't wanna take up too much time because we could go off for hours about all of her drastic lies like how she supposedly got hypothermia in 45 degree weather or how she lied about being in a s.chool s.hooting ( one , two , three ) ironically she had sent me a fanfiction of the c.olumbine s.hooters in the past and guilt tripped me the moment i said it wasn't right. or the time she told me she was taken hostage which i might have stayed believing if it weren't for the fact she was roleplaying with a character from that movie on her @lleeta blog not too long ago ( one , two , three ) but anyway.

im never gonna be able to recover completely but i want to reach out and warn people. me and others have gone through her explicit / obsessive / rape roleplays but i can fucking guarantee no matter how many times i was ( or the others ) guilt tripped into saying YES despite how uncomfortable i was but couldn't tell her , she does still do them from what i know. she tends to warp characters ( other muns put in these scenarios have told me the same thing bc she did it to multiple people ) to make them far more obsessive / creepy then they are even meant to be. i'll start out by saying ive known rocco since the end of 2015 or so and we instantly became friends. we quickly made our ocs out to be affiliated, though they were SUPPOSED to be father and daughter (and often i would let her portray an oc i of mine who is supposed to be a love interest), she would always propose obsessive rape plots, and even an explicit plot of a forced marriage au between the father and daughter muses which was clear she wanted to lead to smut (warning for a graphic detail i can't get out of my fucking head was her saying she could imagine hannah / the daughter on her knees being forced to unbuckle his belt but said it as if it were almost ? something she got ? in a way , excited over ??) of course i don't have many screenshots of these things especially because i was isolated by her for about a year at the time , trusted her , and no matter how sick or anxious ive felt getting her messages i didn't really know i had the choice to come out about it , especially considering how hostile she would be when i had friends or even my ex .

( one , two , three , four , five ) we were actually dating at this time, which was a relationship i was basically forced / guilt tripped in after saying no countless times. she would often numb me down when i would say no to things, whether it was her asking to be in a relationship with me or even roleplay, in which at one point i've counted 20+ screenshots of her constantly begging even though i had just declined. at this time is when i was isolated so i don't the have exact proof because again, i didn't know about the abuse going on in front of my face and i didn't known what to do about it. she would constantly guilt trip me over these things and i felt very vulnerable though i do tend to play things off when i'm uncomfortable.

now i'll move on to some more recent -ish shit or at least things i haven't completely blocked out from my memory since that's most of what i have. we've been friends on and off because she had eventually set me off, our first fight being me angry that she couldn't handle when i declined her roleplays. so it's been a long cycle of me blocking her from discomfort, only for her to constantly make or log into old blogs to try and contact me to manipulate me into friendship again. and it worked. too many times. after all of that, she began to test boundaries which is something she usually does. this included throwing attitude for no reason ( i remember a time i was supposed to be making her icons and couldn't at the time and her response was "it's not that fucking hard" // she's even sent me a screenshot herself before of her in a groupchat where one of the participants had said something and told them "literally nobody cares" and expected me to comfort her after that ) + saying things she knows is wrong + stealing or making blatant rip offs of my original character ( one , two , of course there are far more instances like the time she ran @viirginblood but that's not the point of this post so i'm skipping over that ) + bringing up my past relationships / sometimes family or financial issues + constantly bringing up the fact we got in fights i was trying to move past or try to make me feel bad if i didn't reply right away ( one , two , three , four , five / she also acted very controlling to me any time i wouldn't answer so i would be forced to give an explaination and she would pretend it wasn't just her being "worried" ) + manipulating her into following her / bossing me into doing things she wanted ( one , two ). even some new information came to light that i was completely oblivious to; obviously any time i had a friend or a significant other she had no problem portraying blatant jealousy, i was also informed she was acting possessive of me even when i wasn't around, when i was actually NOT TALKING TO HER AT ALL ( one , two ) . which really freaked me the fuck out.

she would also constantly TRY to spite me when we weren't friends. she's admitted it. she's also admitted in a group call, that i still have contact with one of the participants, that she stalked me when we stopped talking and got her friends to "keep tabs on me" i was also informed of her stalking another minor not too long ago and going back to the spite stealing, it wasn't just one oc, it was concept ideas, urls, even going as far to LITERALLY flat out steal the oc i let her portray ( the one she obsessively wrote out rape roleplays with ) , lied by saying it was a "misunderstanding".

shes also is a rapist and pedophile apologist ! she roleplayed dolores of l.olita and a few people including myself can recall her literally posting / asking for a humbert to roleplay with. i don't know a lot about the film / book itself but i DO know humbert is the pedophile who abused dolores. here's some screenshots of her not only apologizing his actions burn theowing a pity party over it, claiming shen had a right to roleplay dolores getting, what i imagine must have been sexually abused ( one , two , three ).

her relationship with her ex, ( for those of you who don't know ollie you can probably easily find some information on him as a fill in on what he's done / warning for rape ) ,   she helped him catfish / fake his identity to hide what he did, shows hostility toward the rape victim and shows behavior of a rapist apologist again + talked some nasty transphobic shit about me , not to mention again , i'm underage so that's weird that it's focused on my body especially considering she's 18 here, not to mention she's not still obsessing over me when we aren't talking ( one , two ) + on her @roccospeaks blog she had a while back , she deleted the posts but i'm sure plenty of people saw that she and others were claiming that ollie was FAKING A TRANS IDENTITY ( and this isn't a kiss ass moment to him, i'm just pointing this out: this was after she made those transphobic remarks about me so i highly doubt she can blame her transphobia on being "drunk" here ) because he was wearing makeup and had a feminine appearance . i'm pretty sure the post is still floating about somewhere so if you can find it, it's all there . she continued to focus on me despite we weren't talking, blamed me for being the source of her suicidal tendencies that she's had since i've known her, ironically though she's also told me i'm the reason she says alive in the past — and something she thinks blocking her for comfort is a manipulation tactic or game to her ?? / that and here's some of her guilt tripping all because i soft blocked her ( one , two , three )

i had also recently ended a relationship with an ex of mine , which wasn't ANY of her business but she constantly brought her up plenty of times. as shown above, she's was insisting that my vague posts about ending my relationship were about her no matter what i said ( one , two , three ) + doing so either herself or i suspect getting ollie or his friends to send me anons about MY relationship because i didn't tell anybody else about it, but she sure as hell did ! all while putting blame on me ( one , two )

here are some messages i have of someone informing me she was actually racefaking ! and the funny thing about this is she's white. or at least from what i know? i know she has indeed sent me a link to a post before of a black mun venting about white people or smth like that which was NONE of my fucking business esp considering i wasn't following this person and she told me after sending me the link to the post "i thought i could trust them" where she tried tin get me to comfort her ?? this is also interesting, here she is talking about a minor, THREATENING THAT SAME MINOR, not to mention dissing sex workers and putting an input on reverse racism.

heres more of her obsessive / controlling behaviors over not letting people follow / interact with me out of sheer spite and not wanting them to be able to know what she has done ( one , two , three , four , five , six , though there's many more i lost ) here's more evidence of her interest in writing problematic issues / warning for rape ( one , two ) i have many more screenshots of her situations with ollie but chose not to post them; however if you would like to see them you can ask me, it's just her encouraging him to hack me plus some gaslighting aftermath shen sent me on mun personal when things didn't go her way.

she has also lied about her age to smut multiple times in the past , claimed to be of age here and on multiple blogs. she was at least sixteen at the time. also mentions shes underage here but then says she could LEGALLY portray sexual assault ?? and here's her saying she WILL have depictions of pedophilia on her blog. keep in mind we've known each other for a long time, though it was on and off; she knows very well i'm not 18. if told her before countless times AND it's all over my rules. BUT YET, she's persistent on sending me explicit content KNOWING IM A MINOR / ADMITTING SHE IS 18 after i had vagued about my discomfort ( one , two , three )

as i mentioned above she was always presenting nasty plots to me; i can't stress the fact that it DID make me uncomfortable whether i decided to play it off or not, but later on, when she was indeed of age, presented to me an old, incestous plot and then had the audacity to put the blame on ME, whenever i strictly recall her wanting to ship them / make the more brothers in the first place. my character had already had a brother, her oc she actually made back in 2016 was a spiral off of this canon character. so even afternoon she blamed me for it, we established that i said no, she still chose to focus on his childhood with romance. ( one , two , three , four )

again, im not the only person she's has abused like this. and compared to the things she put ALL OF US through, these have to be some of the lightest fucking examples. but i do hope it is enough to keep others safe or be a warning. i also haven't mentioned anybody for their safety, but if you think you would be willing to share your story you can add on or whatever to get it out their. i really hope you can take my word for or it as well, because it wasn't very hard for me to put myself out here but i think i did the right thing for others.

and last but not least, if she's seeing this, here's a big fat "fuck you" from all us, what you put us through, and blamed us for.

[jujubieberbae]

Missin You Pt 2

Its been a damn while. Whoops? But I hope this is good enough. It’s long so I hope this makes up for the fact that I might not update for a while..... Im a terrible person.

Read part one here!

Dinner at mamaw’s was always a cherishable moment for me as a small child. It was one of the only times the whole family managed to sit together and enjoy each others company without the constant chaos and hassle of the farm outside. 

Mamaw was a sweet woman, always giving and never taking. Kind and forgiving. She took care of those close to her, family or not, for her motto was blood is thicker then water but ice is solid.

Everyone that she payed was invited to join the family for dinner so family dinner night was always a feast with a standard party that consisted of over 30 people.

Though as the saying went, there was a first for everything. And tonight  was the first time I had ever dreaded family dinner night. Everyone was rumoured to be there in celebration of our arrival. Or so as said. 

Uncles, aunts, cousins and family friends all alike, to sit around a table built for 12 enjoying a Delicious home made meal stirred up by my grandmother. It sounds like a good time, but times have changed.

I no longer was the little girl with a missing tooth and fuzzy pig tails, nor the girl who lived in overalls and knew of no other hair style but a plat. I wasn’t the girl who sang with my grandmother every other night. And I wasn’t the girl that was avidly obsessed with the thought of being with her best friend. 

That best friend being the certain someone I was trying so desperately to avoid.

No. Instead, I was the new and upgraded Y/N. I had moved to the city away from my traditional family and into the heart of modern society. Where drugs, alcohol and sex was as traditional as anyone would get. 

Of course I hadn’t fallen into the world of alcoholism and partying every night with a blunt in hand, only to wake up in an unknown bed by morning, but I had to admit I had slept around a bit. I was in no ways innocent.

But down here was a living and breathing reminder of all and everything innocent about Y/N L/N. So dreading this dinner was an understatement. I was dreading this entire trip.

“Y/N?”

Head whipping to the side, a head full of hair following, I was met with non other then my grandmother herself, peering through the door of my old bedroom with furrowed eyebrows.

“Mamaw?” 

The sight of me decent was enough for her to walk in comfortably, her face stressed and mouth pulled into a sad frown, her accent thick as she spoke. “Why’re you so quiet. You usually love to visit your mamaw. Something wrong?” 

The shake of my head was my only answer. I was already sick of being here, home was the one place on my mind. 

My short and unusual answer left the woman pursing her lips in conflict, and after a harsh second she found it best to let it go for now and just inform me that dinner was ready and everyone was waiting. 

So together we descended down the old time creaky stairs into the kitchen where in fact everyone was waiting. And I mean everyone.  

A room full of heads snapping over to glare at me had my face red and blood boiling. All faces of the past, people I hadn’t seen in over three years. People I once upon a time was so close with were now nothing more then just another relative of family friend.

Awkwardly, I glanced across the room, All the seats surrounding the table were occupied expect one spot I assumes to be mamaws while everyone else stood around the table with plates of half eaten food in their hands. Guess I’m late to the party.

Then suddenly a pair of eyes caught mine.

Those golden brown pools of honey that I never failed to make my heart thud just a beat faster, even years later. He stood to the left with a plate of mamaws chicken in his now muscular hand. Last time I saw him he was nothing more then a lanky teddy bear.

It was a solid minute of silent eye contact between us which had not been left unseen by my family members, but they didn’t interfere. They knew about our lost feelings that were once a dazing fire between us. I could only imagine what was running through their heads at that moment. Probably all pitiful for Justin and disapproving towards me for doing him dirty like I did.

But to my surprise Justin smiled. He smiled… at me. Not a fake smile. Not a ‘well fuck you’ smile. A genuine smile. One that would have women shaking at the knees and begging him to take them to bed right this instant.

And I couldn’t help but smile back. It was a subconscious reaction, one that I didn’t control but just kind of happened. I honestly missed being around him as much as I wanted to forget my old life but no matter what it didn’t matter anyways because when my eyes trailed just slightly to his right my smile had turned into a long frown.

Besides him was the girl from earlier. Her name still unknown but her innocent country beauty not left unseen. It was no debate that I had change immens. I was not that innocent beauty anymore. I was now that sinful sexy you saw all around california. Crop tops and booty shorts were my go-to, beach waves my best friends. No more overalls and plats. That girl was gone. 

I doubt Justin would like me now. It was obvious he was one for innocence. He liked me when I was innocent and now it was obvious he had eyes for her. She was innocent and always on his arm, not to mention the glares she was constantly throwing me. What more could say ‘he’s my boyfriend back off’?

Taking a sharp right away from the boy I felt for and the girl who was unknown, I was met with non other then my uncle Jim himself, an extended hand of a full plate for me to take ready, his usual white smile set in his face. “Just the way you like it.” He said. “Glad to have you back.”

My lips pursued into a tight smile and all I could do was nod my head in response. Couldn’t exactly say the same, I thought.

Dinner went on in a consistent chatter. It seemed everyone had someone to converse with but me. I stood quietly to the side picking at my chicken with the one hand not holding up the plate. The only conversation I had was the occasional welcome back from an old relative.

The whole of dinner was really none other then a blur. The only thing I remember really was short conversations and the occasional glance over at Justin. The plane ride here had me jet lagged beyond belief and my head was thudding in pain from the constant clatter of noise from around. If home wasn’t an option then bed certainly was the next best thing.

My stomach for unknown reasons was becoming rather queasy and this food was beginning to look less and less appetising. And my face must have caught manses attention because a second later she was asking me if I was okay.

”Mamaw I’m not feeling to hot. I think I’m gonna turn in for the night.”

”Is there anything I can do?” She had asked but I shook my head no.

”No I think I just need to lie down.” Was my response.

After that mamaw nodded and I was off to bed, under the memorable pink covers in less then a minute flat.

For almost thirty minutes I lay awake, listening to the last member of the dinner party leave and everyone else turn in for the night. The silence was daunting in comparison to the usual hustle of Cali but in a way it was a nice change.

Though the silence wasn’t long lasting. Footsteps, quiet but noticeable were slowly but surely approaching with every passing second I lay awake. For a minute I thought maybe it was mamaw passing towards her room but when the sound stopped right in front of my door, I was shocked to have seen it open to none other then Justin.

I decided not to say anything, but instead just turn from my back to my side away from him. By the silence of the room, I knew he was still and he was still for a good few moments, all until the creek of the floorboards signified that he was moving closer.

The bed besides me sunk under his weight as he noticeably sat but the absence of his eyes had me realizing that he wasn’t looking at me at all.

It took a while but my curiosity got the best of me and soon I couldn’t help myself as I spun on my back to face the man.

He made no attempt to turn or even acknowledge my recent movement, instead choosing to continue staring at the floor in front of him. So in turn I sat up, sighing as I directed my eyes to look in front of me as well.

And finally I spoke, still not making any eye contact. “Justin....?” The absence of a response left me sighing. “I know your mad.-”

“Mad?” His voice was low and slightly amused, but he still faced the front of him giving me no indication of how his face must have looked. “That’s not what I am.”

I paused, leaving a lingering silence between us for a bit. “Then what are you? Huh, Justin? Because I doubt you’d be anything but so.”

He was unresponsive.

“No matter how much you smile at me and no matter how happy you sound when you speak, I know you still hate me for leaving......” I waited for a reply, but still nothing. “Mamaw would always call me and tell me how mad you were after I left. I felt guilty but....”

“You should have called.”

“I know I should have called but I couldn't.”

Justin suddenly spun in his position one foot hiked up onto the bed. The sudden movement left my head shooting back to look at him and now we were making eye contact. 

He didn’t seem mad, his face was calm though the undertone of his expression was easily recognized as annoyance. Guess he still thought about this from time to time.

“And why is that? Cause you were too busy living your best life?!” 

“Because I was too pussy to!” 

Justin shut his mouth at that, looking on with slightly enraged eyes, but he didn't stop me when I continued to speak. 

“I’m not in denial Justin, I know what I was. I was a pussy, too scared to call you because I knew at the time that if I'd heard your voice, I would have come back. By the time I was settled and comfortable in the city I knew It was too late to call.” 

“So you decided to leave me wondering what happened to you after all these years?”

“I decided to spare you the heart ache.” No response, so I continued. “We had something Justin. . . I didn’t want you to remember me as the one that got away. I would have rathered it be my fault because I knew you. You would have blamed yourself for letting me leave.”

There was once again nothing from Justin for a few seconds before he chose to speak up. “Well guess you didn’t know me well enough to realize that I probably still would have blamed myself, thinking you left because of me. “

My face fell, a hand reaching out for him before realizing what I was doing and backing down. “Justin? Did you really feel that way?” 

He shrugged, shuffling back on the bed slightly. “For a bit. Yeah.”

“I-Im sorry...”

“Don’t apologize. Seriously, I don’t want your pity.”

I shook my head with a sigh. “It’s not pity. It’s genuine. Besides, its not like you'd care anyways.”

Justin seemed confused by my sudden answer, shifting in his position to face me better. “What are you talking about.” 

I looked up. “You have a girl now Justin, why would you care about what happened 3 years ago?”

Justin chuckled slightly, leaning back in his seat to stare me down better. “You mean Skylar? She’s cool and all but she’s not my girlfriend.”

“So a side chick?” I jokingly added.

Clearly picking up my playful tone, Justin chuckled also, shaking his head at my humor. “No Y/N, not a side chick. A friend. A good one.” 

“Which is code for unofficial girlfriend.”

“No, which means nothing but a good friend. Your grandma hired her after you left in order to look after Jigsaw and we got along. And before you start rambling about how you can read people and how you figured it out, yes I know she likes me, I’m not oblivious. But I just don’t return those feelings.”

Although It shouldn’t have been, hearing those words was like an odd relief off my shoulders. But I hid it well, only nodding along to his explanation. 

“But why not? She’s nice, pretty... innocent.”

Justin smirked, “You have a life now Y/N, why would you care about my love life?”

Clearly mocking my previous words, I shook my head, slowly becoming more and more tired as this conversation went on. But I stood my ground and answered his obviously rhetorical question. “Not for selfish reasons, but because I do still care about you JB. You deserve to be happy.”

But the next words he mumbled was the obvious line for both of us. “You made me happy.”

None of us looked at each other after that. We both knew this conversation alone was already a step too far for our broken relationship and that last sentence was the end of what seemed to be an emotional discussion.  

After that it was like the other wasn't even in the room anymore. 

I shuffled forward and lay back down in my bed, turning my back away from him, suddenly becoming unexpectedly emotional after feeling a few odd tears surfacing the tips of my eyes. 

Justin was hesitant in his actions but stood from his seat and made his way over to the door without another word to be said. It wasn’t until he so unexpectedly spoke up that I let a few tears fall. 

“Good night Y/N” 

And then the creek of the door and the light of the hallway were gone as the door shut behind the one man who I ever treated fell for.