#why cant my brain just be fucking normal
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lady cassandra o’brien really truly is nikola orsinov’s wildest fucking dream
#she’d point at lady Cassandra like ‘JON WHY CANT U BE MORE LIKE HER. JUST LET ME FUCKING MOISTURIZE U’#it is midnight. my brain isn’t working. I’m so sorry for putting this on your dashes. i swear I’ll be normal by morning#if u want to blame someone for these terrible words I’ve made u read pls blame @actual-changeling for persuading me to watch this show#(/j. i love the show aksjakdj)#(be nice to alex)#not good omens#doctor who shitpost#doctor who#shitpost#tma shitpost#tma#the magnus archives#nikola orsinov#doctor who series 9#christopher eccleston#billie piper#rose Tyler#the ninth doctor
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"Im not even sure anymore if we get to choose who our friends are" There is a part of me that resents you for making me a worse person than i want to be but i am inexplicably uncontrollably drawn to you. You make me a worse person which is the last thing i want yet i want you in every way. If i could leave i would. Maybe i can but i dont want to. I have fun with you. You challenge me and you captivate me and you push me and pull and run circles around me and it makes me feel like a younger man. For the price of being a worse person i get to feel truly, wholly alive. You are the blood that runs through my veins; vital, inseparable. I was reborn when i met you and you are the womb that haunts me. You are the one person on planet earth who knows me. I wish i could leave, move on and be the man im supposed to be but my heart is tied to yours in a gordian knot. There is a part of my soul that rests in yours, magnetic. For as long as i love you i cannot be better than i am. But maybe thats something i can learn to live with. Gregory House-- I think you're worth it.
#house md#james wilson#gregory house#hilson#johan being crazy about yaoi md#johan's mindpalace#Im crazy#like im tearing up#this scene is so romantic it genuinely makes me nauseous#the lowlight setting the lingering stares the soft little smile a dam thats finally broken#I need a 12 gauge bullet in the thigh#Please watch this scene screencaps do not do it near enough justice#do you know whats so genuinely actually sickening#its been months since i finished house md#and i have not watched a single show that has managed to fill even a quarter of the gaping bleeding hilson shaped hole in my heart#shows that have actual gay people actual representation and not a single one has managed to alter my brain chemistry the way hilson has#since day 1 episode 1#Like its actually nauseating a little its so over for me for the rest of my life#Like im actually never recovering#people say “they dont make xyz like they used to haha” But Guys they Genuinely dont#Im going through withdrawls#I need my yaoi cocaine so bad but my plug died 12 years ago and i cant fucking Move#House md capital of fatphobia homophobia transphobia early 2000s edgy humour outshining modern shows with actual rep like im sick#Its not even because i want to like i feel like there are worms in my brain. I feel like ratatoullie if the rat was evil#This is not what the stonewall riots were for#I feel like so nausous why couldnt i be crazy about an actual gay pairing like a normal gay person. Im gonna throwup#Why couldnt i like music and girls#Its not even that house md is objectively logically better than these shows like no. Im just crazy#Im so sick they make me so sick i feel like there are worms in my head. My head#Dont know when i will ever be onorlmal again. Sorr
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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i always assumed he cut his hair with a pair of shitty scissors in front of his bathroom mirror at like 2am
#my art#kuron vld#vld#kurons design is really fucking funny to me for some reson#he looks so goofy???? boy why do you dress like that#he looks like a dog in a medical cone......... WHY#cant take his ass seriously#shiros s1&2 design made him look serious and reliable#but somehow his clone has the dumbest fucking outfit#i dont hate it or anything btw but it IS very funny to me. not in a bad way hes just silly#love this guy hes a fucking idiot<3 my silly guy<333#he caught one glance at himself in the mirror while idk brushing his teeth and had a breakdown#bc he didnt look enough like shiro and thats Not Good and he had to fix it so he doesnt feel Wrong anymore#having long hair was weird for him bc his brain was screaming at him that he doesnt look Right#but maybe there was a tiny part of him that didnt mind the hair. a part of him that wanted to be diffrent and try new things#but he couldnt do that bc Shiro Wouldnt Do That and he IS shiro(hes not). dumbass.#i love making clone characters trans allegories#or sometimes i just make literally them trans. its good for the soul:]#i am So Normal about this guy. i prommy.#kuronposting
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GODS FUCKING DAMNIT WHY DID MY PARENTS DECIDE THAT A HOUSE LESS THAN 100 FEET AWAY FROM A HIGHWAY WAS A GOOD FUCKING IDEA
#I HAVE A FUCKING MIGRANE AND THE SEMITRUCKS AND MOTORCYCLES AND ASSHOLE BLARING BASE MUSIC SOUND LIKE THEYRE INCHES AWAY FROM MY EARS#IF THE NEIGHBORS START FAILING TO FIX THEIR DAMN BOAT OR BLARING MUSIC AGAIN I WILL TELL MY DAD TO GO SCREAM AT THEM#NORMALLY IM NICE BUT RIGHT NOW MY BRAIN IS TRYING TO KILL ME I DONT HAVE ENERGY FOR THIS BULLSHIT#but for now the neighbors are behaving it’s just the fucking highway I can’t move#FUCK a train better not go by tonight#we also live less than 100 feet from a major railway :)#I don’t know why my parents thought this house was the one to buy but I CANT FUCKING CHANGE THAT NOW CAN I#can’t wait to move out I swear to fuck#this is why I shouldn’t have chronic pain I become murderous when I’m hurting#silently screaming shaking with murderous intent at every little thing that bothers me#reaching for the nearest sharp object#but guess who has chronic pain from scoliosis and collapsed foot arches and neck problems that cause headaches and migraines?#THIS motherfucker right here; THATS who!#maybe I should stop ranting in the tags now and eat my chicken sandwich before the meds wear off#ooohh I should as my mom if it’s a good idea to take my loopy drugs#idk if they’re okay to mix with Tylenol or not#OH MY FUCKING GODS A TRAIN JUSF WENT BY#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL SOMEONE#PROBABLY THE REALATOR WHO SAID THAT THESE TRACKS ARENT OPERATIONAL#anyway as I was saying I dunno if hydroxdezine (probably misspelled that) is okay to mix with Tylenol#but it’s great for when I don’t want to be conscious and rn that’s how I feel#imma stop now#randum thots
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i was actually happy and then i just felt it slip away. that was the worse feeling in the world
#depresjon#tw depressing thoughts#tw depression#tw depressing stuff#tw depressive#mentally fucked#mentally exhausted#mentally ill#sewerslidal#i want to diiieeee#i cant do this anymore#wanna fling myself off a cliff rn#what the actual fuck is wrong with my brain#why can’t i just be happy#why can’t i just be okay#why can’t i just be normal#i wanna be okay#i want to be okay#i just want to die#i just want to be done#i just want to be happy#why can’t i feel anymore#why am i never happy anymore#what happened to me#mental illness#mental health#i have no mental health#my mental health is dead and gone#i should be in bed#it’s 2 in the morning
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its genuinely a little embarrassing how many times i've sought out more songs by metal/rock bands that i suddenly really liked and then immediately found another song that went kinda hard before i listened to the lyrics and realized it was about fucking cancel culture
#always gotta sigh and be like ok. how racist are they this time#first time it was shinedown & this time its falling in reverse#neither of which are niche bands but both only existed in the background of my brain until i suddenly latched on#they're not even subtle about it. i think the shinedown one goes “they're cancelling your feelings” head in hands Shut The Fuck UPPPPPPPPPP#and then THIS one goes “they're cancelling you and they wont stop til everybody's zombified” I WISH IT WORKED#this is why i never seek out bands man fuck both of yall!!!!!!#especially metal bands. oh my god its so bad#and you'd think it'd help me to delve more into punk music for that energy i need without the racism but so much punk music is just . bad#and like being bad is the point i know but half the time it's not even Good bad its just shitty audio balancing I CANT HEAR YOUUU#AND THE INSTRUMENTALS ARE NEVER EVEN GOOD ENOUGH TO BE OVERPOWERING ALL THE DAMN VOCALS !!!#ahem. my point is can i please just get some loud angry fast music written by people who are normal about it. please. please.#why aren't there more ska-punk bands. streetlight manifesto should've been the voice of a generation
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🐰🕸🌙
#i have so many behaviours and fears and#no emotional regulation and issues and disorders and fearrrrr#and i do not know how to explain it so that ppl who dont relate can possibly understand it#but it is like i am trapped in a nightmare dimension where everything is always bad#my brain isnt even wired to see anything in a positive or hopeful light#which is how humans are wired typically to ensure survival lol#in swedish avpd is also called anxious personality disorder#which can clue in on the fact that if you know what a personality disorder is#(your brain hasnt developed normally but in a disordered way. often bc of trauma etc)#my brain is wired to be anxious abt wverything all the time#so i always naturally see everything in a negative and dark and bad and horrible light#which is fucking terrible. it makes life exhausting and like a constant fight#other ppl dont get that bc their brains arent wired to have this horrible outlook on EVERYTHING#so thid just gives me extreme trust issues and my brain always fights to make sense of things#bc it cannot do so in a rational manner#and basically i just feel so ashamed when i think of how like... overly emotional and fearful i am#as soon as anything happens im like wow this person literally wants to kill me bc humans are evil#which i know intellectually isnt tru bc if it was i'd be dead by now 💀#ig i just feel so lucky that one person still is my friend after almost 2yrs now#despite my whateverthefuck moments when idek what im saying..#'working thru my emotions' in a way that doesnt make sense#esp when hes seen some of what i've written and im like NOOO i was spiraling when i said that i dont mean that i think most likely i dont#anyway.. feeling grateful 🙏 i wish i was normal#or at least had th ability to have connections and relationships most ppl w mental illness are still capable of having#avpd is fucked upppp it is such a weird mental disability.... 0-o#bc of my fear i also struggle with relaxing into it bc im like no imma fuck it up soon or no hes gonna leave me soon bc i suck and dont#deserve having him in my life at all. i really wish my brain wasnt wired to be terrified like i hate my brain and myself like why cant#i just be normal!!!!!! ☹️ i am thankful for every moment still.
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sometimes you just need to hit your head against a wall at school and move on
#(in the most normal calm voice youve ever heard) im sooooo sick of myself . oh my god#why do i feel so embarrassed and shameful of everything i say lately#was just at office hours for 30 mins and i had a nice little convo with my professor like i dont . think it went badly . i think#but immediately after i left i spiraled like god i probably said a lot of stupid things or it seemed like i was trying#to be too agreeable or too much of a hater or or or didnxdkshsksdnjssbsksbxk#and everything i try to write for class feels stupid and wrong and im soooo mad i hate my stupid baka brain and body oughhhhhhhhhh#i need to be killed or somethingggg#i cant help but think that i was bothering my professor and that he did notttttt want me to be there#like his energy seemed very different from yesterday he was less silly and more reserved ish maybe not reserved but like calm i guess#which like . isnt bad bc ppl dont have to be the same all the time but becauae i have a fucked brain i cant help but think that bc it was#just me today and not me and my classmate that he probably thought i was a bother and that i was boring as hell AUGHHHHHHHHH#i hate this so bad lol when will it be overrrrrrr#ss
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i hate that duality that your mind can be your safe heaven that helps you get through some difficult things, keeps you going and brings you happiness at the worst of times. and at the very same time it could be your worst tormentor that won't let you rest and won't let you breathe, literally for no particular reason at all. and you can't leave or silence it. can't get it to stop when it gets dark in there. can't get the light in when you desperately need to feel a respite instead of suffocation.
#its so difficult#sometimes its too much to handle#yeah particularly today im just.. screaming internally#and the inability to do something YOU LOVE due to your brain having one of those bad days so everything feels fucking BAD is just so unfAIR#its frustrating#the only thing you can do is sob apparently#my room doesnt feel like my room anymore all i feel is fear and dread#i just dont understand why and how it came to this point i want out#nothing grounds me to reality or to my normal state and im afraid#instead of watch fav movie to get better ill count the duration time and decide thats its too long i dont have that much time#i will be painfully aware of numbers and wb scared of them and then ill just not move at all immobilized at place#i cant#all i could do is desperately bother my friends trying to connect to them and hiding that obvious ache#i dont have capacity to soothe myself with my favorite guys and gals from games and movies i dont feel anything at all#and i hate that but also i cant do anything im so idk what i feel like but like im not anything#i lost myself i lost my favorite things to do and my hobbies and my spark and everything i dont even know anymore#on small bad days you could conjure a good thoughts and watch somethinf and think about what makes you happy#theres a void in my head now that just counts and counts and counts and cant do nothing#i will just open up a chat w friends and look at empty textspace i want to connect so badly but i wont send anything just freeze still#i dont feel that im in here but i want badly to be here and yet i cant grasp anything to still keep myself real#and like i have a feeling that in next 2 hours I'll just vanish spmething bad will happn carcrash orso i cantbe spendin much timeon anythin#i hate this#suddenly your brain just want you dead and fills you with dread unimaginable and my dumbass thinks that it's right#that my brain is right and im inclined to believe in this shit. im not but deep down i kind of is so thats why this anxiety causes me probl#ms for the whole week i didnt done anything i just could not i want it to stop#its so sure of itself that i will pass away in couple of hours by unknown reasons that it imagined so why even try
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Omg so I was just suddenly hit with remembering what I dreamt last night and…..
Why are my only dreams about Bucky always weird asf????
Bc pls tell my why last night I dreamt I was his SISTER and I was trying to be incestuous with him 😟😩😭😭😭
#I LITERALLY JUST REMEMBERED IT LIKE WHATTTTT#WHAT KINDA DREAM IS THAT#IF HES GONNA BE IN MY DREAMS WHY CANT IT JUST BE NORMAL#NO ITS GOTTA BE INCEST????#also Timothy Chalamet was there?????#like okay#anyways apparently I need psychological help bc my brain is a fucking freak 😭😭😭
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what is it about being off my birth control that makes my choking kink come out in full fucking force
#zeph posting#like. sometimes its more than normal.#but dear fucking god its been in my brain the whole goddamn time#trying to get off like yeah im reading hot shit but why cant i come without my hand on my throat#fun fact autoerotic asphyxiation is more common in men. gender affirming kink.#just my hands tho im not fucking stupid. im in to breathplay but not risking my life#like. god itd be hot. it would feel so much better to use more than my hand. but also i do not want to pass out.#i got off track here what was this post about#its not even just me being choked. i wanna choke someone else too.#i knew i was kinda into breath play and choking when i was 18 but not this much#i hate jackles so much for being choked for real on screen bc something abt that scene made me so much more into it
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obsessively checking accounts that follow me/like my posts for hints of it being them bc I’m #scared & paranoid
#camera talks#sorry#I feel sick doing this#but like. what if it is what if it is and they can see my stuff again#I’d die. I’ll actually fucking crumple into a ball and die#I feel so pathetic#but I have such a thin veil of safety#i have them blocked on everything so virtually this is impossible#and what do you want to bet they dont actually care this much about this#but im actually so scared of them being able to see my posts. to talk to me again#this isnt a safe space technically. its social media i know but its my fucking safe space#god i dont know why my brain decided right now was the right time to set off the warning bells about this#it absolutely isnt the right time bc im never going to get to sleep now#im going to have a fucking nightmare about them again and im so so scared of that i cant do that#fuck. fuck what the hell.#i wish i could respond to things normally i wish i didnt think about things#vent#delete later#ignore this i'll be fine eventually i just feel really Off right now#and questioning everything about myself and the situation im in right now isnt helping#i love you guys.. sorry i keep putting vents on your dash
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I totally understand it should be a pretty normal and reasonable thing to do to just be ok with a relatively small thing you feel passionate about and disagree with someone on and that sort of thing should Not hurt a very close relationship. I so badly wish I could do this. However this causes me actual physical pain and I have no idea how anyone simply decides not to care. Actually ok I worded this to sound funny and ironic bc I will sound fucking nuts if I don't but im not even exaggerating in the slightest. I want so bad to be able to simply not care bc I don't wanna be a dick but I can't stop my brain from being deeply upset about these things. How does this not cause anyone else probably unhealthy amounts of resentment.
#sorry about ventposting AGAIN im goin through it rn#vent#ramble post#WHY CANT MY BRAIN JUST BE FUCKING NORMAL WHY IS EVERYOME ELSE ABLE TO DECIDE NOT TO CARE ABOUT SHIT
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I wish I didn't feel horrific levels of insecurity/inferiority/jealousy/fomo/ego/etc etc about literally everything 24/7. I don't think I let it affect how I interact with people, but it's just this sickeningly insufferable feeling in my chest
#like hey. can you please be normal about things for like one minute please?#i hate irrational feelings. i dont truly believe in them but its just this weight on my chest#even things i enjoy. my brain ruins them :]#its just these feelings i cant control and they fucking bastardize everything its so annoying#i cant like something without this tickling in the back of my brain pointing out some insecurity and inferiority abt jt#as i said i dont let it affect how i treat and interact w people#BUT WHY MUST I FEEL THESE WEIRD COMPULSIVE THOUGHTS#as i said it just ruins everything for me. why so negative brain? are you okay :/#ugh sry im being shitty today. feeling very all over the place w my emotions#these feelings come up unbidden and i start hating myself#like why do you have to be this way. can you be normal#catie.rambling.txt
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every day i leave my room and i go to the dining hall or the lobby or whatever and i’m being so brave and like yeah it’s for me so i don’t go fucking crazy in my room alone again but it’s also bc i hope every time they see me it reminds them what they did. i hope they feel like a tenth of the shame i live with constantly when they see me. like. fucking look at me. i’m still here. you can’t hide from what you did any more than you can hide from the dining hall. and i hope someday they’re more ashamed than i am
#text#yes it is self discipline & healing fueling my attempts to keep my life together. it's also spite#like well whatever! i'll just stay here til my body gives out i suppose#they wouldnt look me in the eyes that one time they tried to talk to me and my friends they looked them in the eyes but not me.#bc they KNOW what they did was fucked up. they knew from the second they started freaking out in my messages#bc why would someone who didn't do anything wrong act like that. they know it was fucked up they know it was wrong#and by god i have made it my life's mission to remind them.#and if reminding them means focusing all my energy into calming my central nervous system while i finish my mountain dew#or nearly passing out in the building lobby when they hold the door open for me (JUST USE THE FUCKING BUTTON LIKE A NORMAL PERSON)#then i guess i'll do that. until my body gives out i suppose.#sa tw#&Well i meant for this to go on another blog but i saved it as a draft on here and i cant change it and im too lazy to copy paste#so here's a glimpse into my brain. as a treat.
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