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ceefourbane · 1 year

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My Favorite Movies of 2011, 50-1

If you haven’t already read my 2010 list, I would recommend doing so, as I explain a little bit about who I am and why I’m doing this. If you don’t care, that’s fine too.

In the process of going back and examining this year in film, I noticed a couple of things. For one, it really feels like the calm before the storm in the world of superhero movies. Sure, we had a few big ones; Thor, Captain America: The First Avenger, X-Men: First Class. But in a day-and-age where the only movies that feel like they’re at the center of the culture anymore are MCU ones (and Top Gun: Maverick), 2011 suddenly seems ripe with adult dramas, studio comedies, auteur projects, and genre fare. Those are the types of movies we wish we had more of. And yet, the actual movies of 2011 aren’t that great. All in all, it was a pretty mediocre year. Welp.

I’d also like to shine a light on this year’s Oscars, which in retrospect... were god awful. The Best Picture lineup consisted of the following:

The Artist, the Descendants, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, The Help, Hugo, Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, The Tree of Life, Warhorse.

By my count, that’s two utterly pathetic movies (The Help and Extremely Loud), four relatively minor works from true geniuses (The Descendants, Hugo, Midnight in Paris, and War Horse), two masterpieces (Moneyball and The Tree of Life), and one of the most deflating Best Picture winners in Academy history (The Artist). Not great. Maybe the most stunning thing about this year’s Oscars are the ratings... 39.5 million. That number continued to go up for two more years. Depressing. I miss the days of movies mattering.

And so, here’s my fifty favorites from a year where they did.

50. 30 Minutes or Less

Lots of reasons why this movie wouldn’t be made today. Fair. But I’m glad we have it.

49. The Devil’s Double

There’s an argument to be made that the best performance of 2011 is Dominic Cooper’s portrayal of both the son and successor of Saddam, Uday Hussein, as well as a morally righteous opposite, named Latif Uahia. Effectively convincing as polar opposites, Cooper pulls off a sensational act of dualism in the middle of a smashingly fun, if not flawed, movie.

I’ll also add that in the 11 years since this came out, Cooper hasn’t been in a single good movie. That sucks.

48. Incendies

Ouch. This one hurts.

47. We’ll get there.

46. Jane Eyre

Taking these digressive 19th century novels, injecting them with some horniness, and adapting them into two-hour movies is a good idea, actually.* Not all of them work but some do. Cary Joji Fukinaga’s very faithful version of Jane Eyre is one that does. Gorgeous to look at and a breeze to get through... I’m a sucker.

*Bridgerton’s existence ceases any need for that nowadays.

45. Source Code

The Best Movies Set on a Train:

The Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974)

The General (1926)

Strangers on a Train (1951)

Runaway Train (1985)

The Train (1964)

Murder on the Orient Express (1974)

The Lady Vanishes (1979)

Unstoppable (2010)

The Darjeeling Limited (2007)

Silver Streak (1976)

Source Code doesn’t crack this list thanks to it’s lackluster third act, but the exercise proves one of life’s surest promises: trains make for a great movie setting.

44. Nostalgia for the Light

I don’t care for stargazing as a way to spend time, but I liked watching this. A deeply compassionate documentary that grabs the heads of everybody who’s lost staring at the stars and forces them to look internally.

43. The Grey

Liam Neeson has made roughly *checks notes* 25 movies in which the premise revolves around his character exacting revenge upon a criminal organization, governmental body, pack of animals, or nature for it’s injustices. Some of them classify as B-movie pulp, others are true shit stains, one is Schindler’s list, and then there are a few that fit somewhere in between. Not worthy of any real acclaim, but also float above “guilty pleasure” territory. The Grey is one of those.

The pitch was easy: “Liam Neeson fights a pack of wolves.” Sold!

42. The Ides of March

This is the absolute highest I could rank The Ides of March, a stale and forgettable political “thriller” that runs like a slog despite being a thin 101-minutes. This is also the absolute lowest I could rank a fast-talking political “thriller” starring Ryan Gosling, George Clooney, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Marisa Tomei, Jeffrey Wright, and Paul Giamatti. I kind of hate that I like this movie, but I do.

41. We’ll get there.

40. The Arbor

I’m learning to love documentaries. It’s ones like these that accelerate that process. The ones employing gimmicks that don’t feel gimmicky, and bare a borderline manipulative emotional weight. It isn’t always effective, but when they work, they work.

39. The Arbor

In Bruges’ less successful younger brother (or in this case, technically, older brother). Gotta love those McDonaghs.

38. Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol

The Mission: Impossible movie that saved the franchise from itself. Non-coincidentally, it’s the first one that loops in eventual director and Tom Cruise business partner extraordinaire Christopher McQuarrie, who worked on rewrites. While it isn’t quite as strong as it’s sequels, there are still half-a-dozen fist-clenching and seat-gripping “fuck yes, Tom” action sequences. It’ll also forever be remembered as the MI movie in which Cruise decided halfway through production that he actually *wasn’t* going to hand the franchise off to Jeremy Renner like initially intended. Thank the good lord.

37. Real Steel

Remember when Shawn Levy made fun, cheesy, low-grade punch-fests that didn’t rely upon constant eyebrow raising self-reference and winking humor, before attaching himself to Ryan Reynolds only to do exactly that and only that? Me neither. But this is the one time he did. I vote for more movie star-led robot action movies aimed for the souls of teenage boys. The ones that had recyclable, saccharine emotional arcs and truly impressive visual animation. Deadpool was fun, but talented directors like Levy being wasted on Netflix depresses me.

36. Insidious

This was a really bad year for horror. One of the worst of the decade, actually. But Insidious, which essentially gave birth to The Conjuring, should be discussed more. It is the godfather of the movie that is the godfather of countless successful horror movies. Without it, I’m not sure how the genre fares over the next eleven years. So whether or not it’s as good as those movies (it is) doesn’t really matter anyways.

35. Kaboom

I suppose this movie could be described as somewhat of a “bizarre inquiry into male fantasy.” But that isn’t what’s interesting about it, to me. There’s nothing truly profound going on here, and it isn’t even that funny. But it is funny enough, and takes some satisfactory aesthetic swings. One of those swings is Haley Bennet getting eaten out by a French model...sheesh. I do hope that Gregg Araki makes another movie.

34. The Black Power Mixtape 1967-1975

Unbelievable and shameful that these archives didn’t see the light of day until 2011.

33. Rise of the Planet of the Apes

The kickoff to a marvelous big budget blockbuster franchise that only managed to get better by the film. Matt Reeves’ triumphs shouldn’t be understated but neither should Rupert Wyatt’s, who inarguably had the hardest job — to revive dead IP. It’s a perilous haywire act that almost always goes sideways. This one just checked every box. Exceptional CGI work, a trying movie star, strong character actors doing their best, and a mega-climactic Golden Gate bridge-set action setpiece for the ages. Like I said, all the boxes.

32. Midnight in Paris

How the fuck does Owen Wilson get to be engaged to Rachel McAdams in two movies?! Two fucking movies! Hold one one sec-

-...I’ve just been alerted that Owen Wilson starred in a movie last year in which he gets married to Jennifer Lopez.* God hates us.

*Don’t worry, I don’t miss Jennifer Lopez movies. I actually saw this one, and it was quite bad. Had a good ol’ time watching it though.

31. Bill Cunningham New York

Eye-opening beauty. This movie makes me want to go back to New York.

30. Fast Five

They drove a fucking stolen vault through the streets of Rio de Janeiro in a police chase! They drove a fucking stolen vault through the streets of Rio de Janeiro in a police chase! Don’t make me say it again. I detest the Fast & Furious movies that come after Five, and most* of the ones that came before it. But I stan for Five, and if you don’t then you’re lame.

*2 Fast 2 Furious is dope.

47. Bad Teacher

29. Young Adult

Studio comedies with big, bright, beautiful movie stars at their center. Cameron Diaz and Charlize Theron — two blonde sex bombs with electric presence, charm, and comedic wit — made good ones in 2011. Young Adult has a genuinely good script and finds Theron delivering one of her best performances. Bad Teacher is only dumb fun, but it hauled in about $200 million more than the former. Regardless, they’re a relic of a sort-of last gasp for this type of movie in Hollywood. I wish there were twenty of them every year.

28. Captain America: The First Avenger

27. X-Men: First Class

A bitterly ironic transition from the types of movies that don’t get made to the types of ones that do. The state of superhero movies feels as flat as it did in the pre-MCU 2000s, and yet they’re made at a more rapid rate than ever. On the bright side, these are two quality ones!

On a serious note, I will soon stop talking about how much worse off movies are nowadays than they used to be. Because, as previously noted, 2011′s cabinets are pretty fucking bare. However, I think we need to find the right balance between over-stuffed, self-serious machismo cape movies and mega-self-aware, winking fourth-wall-breaking comedies. These two movies captured that. Talented actors, smart ideas, a shaggy-but-effective script, propulsive action scenes, and maybe a tease in the stinger. That’s the formula.

26. Martha Marcy May Marlene

I just learned that this was Elizabeth Olsen’s acting debut. What the fuck?

25. 13 Assassins

Here’s the thing. This movie is 141-minutes and the first 80-or-so are truly plodding. For a Takashi Miike movie, 13 Assassins is quite... boring? Until. Yes, until. That is until it isn’t boring. Because, I assure you that the last 45 minutes of this movie are some of the most adrenaline-charging, bone-crushing, teeth-gritting, sit-up-in-your-seat-and-jump-into-the-television minutes of a movie in the past 20 years. It is a delightfully bloody massacre that shocks every gorgasmic sense in your brain, body, and soul.

The funny part is that this is actually one of Miike’s tamest movies. That speaks volumes about how sadistic he is, rather than how “safe” this movie is.

24. Hanna

The Saoirse Ronan biopic, I think.

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whysojiminimnida · 2 years

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does bts use autotune in recorded versions, its just that i came across some vocal coach saying that they do you use autotune? in the mtv bts unplugged fix you performance? i am not talking about studio versions, bc i know they do that to also put some effects too , but i mean the live singing perfromances, like maybe be some pre recorded performances in 2021 /20 and also do they use that in live performances during concerts and award stages? i thought they did not hence teh mistakes sometimes?

Okay anon hang tight because this is gonna take a minute.

Yes, BTS *does* use Autotune in their performance stages - BUT CHILL BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE OWN YOU THINK IT IS.

Literally EVERY ARTIST WORKING USES SOME FORM OF AUTOTUNE 99% OF THE TIME. BTS uses less and needs much less than most artists. Grab some snacks and I will explain.

There are two types of Autotune. Live correction, which is in the pic above, and after-the-fact graphic correction, which looks like this in the interface:

Every artist in the known universe uses the graphic correction for studio work. Because many artists, BTS included, need additional backing tracks since they provide their own backing vocals. Also it's a necessary tool to provide depth and the proper overall sound - it's not about pitch correction in the moment, per se.

Now, the "Fix You" and other pre-recorded performances DO ALSO USE AUTOTUNE. Not just BTS, y'all. Everyone does this. It's to help maintain a consistent sound quality over all performances and also because Antares has a very specific tonal quality that is hugely popular in recorded music. To get the human voice to sound that way you almost have to have a little bit of Autotune on the mic. They don't need a lot or use a lot most of the time, and in fact, don't use live correction much at all. But figure this: you're out there on a huge international stage in front of millions of people and you're also dancing. What if - what IF - you miss a note? Maybe not by a lot. If that can be fixed prior to it being shown, why wouldn't you fix it? You'd totally fix it, right? So they do. And so does everyone else in the industry.

Live, real-time correction doesn't work like that and it's not used much in BTS performances. Because it's risky. If you mess up the mic or get it wrong or overdo it you end up with horrible, obvious robotic sound and nobody likes that. So BTS doesn't do it. If they're gonna be a little bit off, they're just off a lil bit and we love them anyway.

Now, their lives do have some graphic correction built in on the front end. They often - even usually - have backing vocal tracks laid down and running behind their vocals. BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SING THREE THINGS AT THE SAME TIME and they are actively using their own vocals on multiple tracks at once. Those extra tracks gotta come from somewhere to keep the concerts sounding about the same as the recordings, so the extra tracks are provided for lives.

There is also a little bit of preset Autotune in the mics they use - I'm not totally familiar with the software and it may be their own proprietary blend - to help out in super dance heavy or very high songs, like Dynamite and Black Swan. Both those songs use a fair amount of Autotune pre-laid on the front end and you can actually hear it in both the recordings and the lives. That is a stylistic choice, not a pitch correction choice. It is also there for breath support. You try lifting a Jimin and rolling around on stage and also singing with your full voice and see how far you get.

So the reason we hear mistakes sometimes is because they make ACTUAL MISTAKES and don't use much real-time pitch or vocal correction in concerts or live performances. In fact, they use enough LESS graphics (after-the-fact) correction that we sometimes hear a beat slip through in pre-records. So let anyone who wants to bitch about Autotune and BTS take a flying leap off the industry bridge because they have proved over and over that they don't NEED it. Ed Sheeran is a damn nightmare live and I love him. Billie Eilish uses Autotune routinely in live performance for real time correction. Every artist you might be listening to is using some form of Autotune (okay, Bieber uses Melodyne but he's got Jungkook level pitch and still uses it on the front end, just like BTS).

It doesn't make BTS less authentic or less talented. It just means that you are getting what you paid for every single time you hear them - and our guys can do it while dancing, jumping, spinning and rapping without it being overwhelming or robotic, and that is an achievement. I dare any other group working right now to do it - the vast majority will fail. Even Coldplay uses Autotune and except for Chris Martin they're not generally all over the stage. Hope that helps, anon!

#anon #ask #a good question #i hope it was an okay answer #autotune #bts #ot7 #pitch correction not necessary #but those backing vocals tho

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centrally-unplanned · 3 years

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Hot damn does this channel rock - finally someone willing to get into the real details of the production process, tool choices, org structures, etc over just being, a bird’s eye view. I have, through other *much* less accessible sources, learned a lot of of this information over the years, but it still has tons of great info that I am picking up from its videos.

The ‘intro’ video linked here is the most big picture, looking into how the individual staff members form a production pipeline and how their roles sit together, and it inspired some big-picture thoughts about how the anime industry over time is sort of a microcosm for the wider transformation in workforce structure that has happened over the years, and all the benefits (like efficiency) and issues (like inequality) that resulted from that.

To recap for those who don’t know: Anime productions obviously have a ton of roles, but the core of any “shot” in a show are the key frame animators and the in-betweeners. The KFA’s start off a shot by drawing just a few of the most ‘important’ frames, that show off poses, positioning, effects, etc, which they sink a lot of time into for just a few frames. These are then passed on to in-betweeners, who draw the ‘rest’ of the frames (they actually re-draw the key frame via tracing as well, ty video!) that fill the space in-between the key frames, bridging those frames together to form a continuous animated shot. They spend much less time per frame doing this, which they can do since they are just tracing/altering the key frames.

As you can probably guess the KFA’s have the ‘good’ job and the in-betweeners have the grunt-work ‘bad’ job. And you might not be appreciating how bad it is, but from a financial standpoint it is, uh, really bad. The average industry salary for an in-betweener in Japan full time is ~$10k a year. For comparison, the minimum wage full-time in Japan is ~$17.5K. They get away with it being way, way less than minimum wage by the usual trick of structuring it as contract work, which of course means it also includes absolutely no benefits. If you want to deep dive into how terrible these roles are, you can have at it.

So why do it? As the video points out, in-betweening can be essentially a mentorship. You can learn a ton from the process of seeing amazing key frames, interpreting them, and getting feedback on corrections, production speed, etc. And it is essentially mentorship because, in the early days of animation in Japan (so 1960′s-1970′s), it was *explicitly* a mentorship. Almost every animator would start as an in-betweener, work that way for 3-5 years, then be promoted to, well okay first to 2nd key frame animator, or in-between checkers, or maybe branch out to layouts, but *eventually* to key frame animator, and so on up the chain. It was essentially an apprenticeship, and that is how all companies worked in the 1950′s! Every division director of a company started out as a salesman, or desk analyst, or something, and promotions happened internally, and based on seniority. The low wages at the bottom were *justified* by the promise of future promotion.

But economies changed, and the anime industry did too. There are a million reasons why they changed, but for talent-based industries like anime, where the quality of a worker is in fact quite easy to observe, as the demand for anime skyrocketed the idea of trapping obviously-talented animators as in-betweeners for years to “pay their dues” made no sense. They left, joined new studios or founded their own, and by the 1990′s that system was totally falling apart. In-betweeners were no longer guaranteed promotions, and for many animators it would be the only job they would have in the industry for years before quitting entirely. Technology helped accelerate this - in the early days when animation was all done by hand, the in-betweeners and key animators sat in the same room, comparing notes and building connections, and letting younger animators learn from old. Now that they are all doing their work digitally, often they just get a file dump, and don’t even talk to each other (tons of org work has gone into building consistent ways of communicating, via notation on the drawings, expectations for what the in-betweeners need to do, so no meetings or human conversation is required. Efficiency! Also, alienation!).

And of course, as communication technology improved, wages stagnated, and demand increased, globalization came to the rescue. I don’t have solid figures, but I have definitely seen estimates that put the majority of in-betweening for Japanese animation being done overseas in Korea or China, where that 10k wage can go a lot farther (the town of Wuxi, in Jiangsu province, China, actually has an “Industrial Design” park almost solely devoted to doing outsourced Japanese animation work). This outsourcing is probably a net good thing for those workers, and for anime, don’t get me wrong! But as you can imagine, approximately zero of those Chinese or Korean animators get promoted into Japanese animation studios, while Japanese native in-betweeners are left competing with Chinese wages to afford a Japanese cost-of-living. All of these trends accelerate the winner-takes-all dynamic for the industry - just like every other industry in developed countries, neat!

But of course, its not like ‘outsourcing’ is new to anime - it was just done differently back in the 60′s and 70′s. Kyoto Animation is one of the most famous anime studios, and in particular is famous for having an uncommon number of female animation directors and leads. Certainly a big part of that is due to the fact that it started out as an outsourcing house for cel-painting for studios like Pierrot composed of otherwise-unemployed housewives picking up a side job! Female artists, just like female (and minority) workers in other industries, were the actual cheap labor backbone that justified the more ‘equitable’ salaries of the official workers for companies in the Good Ol’ Days. The inequity just shifted spatially, to new demographics, but has always been there.

Yet there is something to be said for the fact that, of that early days Kyoto Amination clearing house approach, those women were almost all married to men in the animation (or other artistic) industries, and so those wages got pooled. They worked gruelling hours for less pay, but their *household* income was notably higher, as the men would universally have higher wages. Its how working for such wages got justified after all! If you are an in-betweener in Japan today, there is no such pooling, outside of by chance - yet the wage structure remains unmoved.

I think these days the plight of the in-betweener is increasingly well known, but to understand why its so I think the way the anime industry chased the trends in other industries helps not only understand it, but also understand the solution space, or in this case the lack thereof - what industries have solved this problem after all?

#Economics of anime production #essay

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papers4me · 3 years

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Fruits Basket Manga Review , ch 111

sigh~~~ I feel that my recent posts are a bit negative towards the anime, but thats cuz the chapters I’ve read so far are either unbelievably important character depth content cut for no valid reason or content in the anime but packed with million other things that it lost its purpose or importance. Basically tohu’s ep 6 which consists of 4 chapters & now ep 5 which is a momiji ep & yup, packed with 4 chapters as well... so, I apologize for any negativity, my intention is just analyzing artistic & story-telling aspects, I love se03, but yeah it screwed up lots of important characters due to its not so thorough plot decisions & harmful character insight choices.

today.. we explore Momiji... but only before his curse breaks.

Furuba anime struggling to know how to design an episode based on various plot-heavy chapters?

so, they decided 13 eps, & decided one ep for momiji cuz motoko’s graduation & the fanclub is the core of the furuba & have already cut tons of tohru, cuz who cares? she’s kind. be like her. end of lesson. No. really, jokes aside, how to do this?

How to combine several chapters in one ep? collect small snippets from chosen chapters/content like a bee does flowers? you gotta skip some content, you gotta highlight others. The ep is only 20 min after all & you got an op & Ed that you cant always skip.... so.. furuba team decide that momoji’s ep should be true to his zodiac animal, this is the rabbits last appearance in spirit. so, they went with quick hopping from one chapter to the other like a rabbit?

No really, ep 5 is really like a rabbit in its flow, you can’t savior a moment enough before jumping to the other: we learned momiji grew up!! loves toheu romantically, challenged kyo, really meant it, wanted a fair love game, got freed, lost tohru romantically & faced momiji! but that’s not all? we still have space!! quick add akito’s moodiness & love triangle with her dog & her submissive bed partner, add a happy comedy for no reason whatever & make shigue kiss tohru & wish shes 'was his lover instead!!!!!!!!! Mind you all this happened in the anime before shigure hurt tohru with his “the truth of the zodiacs talk & them accepting & feeling consolance that kyo is doomed”talk.

-Gets whats my biggest surprise after reading this chapter ?????????

Shigure is consistent!! He isnt a rabbit hopping here & there. The dog is loyal & is tired for good reason! Him being depressed & his weird talk with thoru makes so much sense given the manga’s order.

Kyo is consistent!! In the anime, momiji surprise him with confession he loves tohru & challenge him, then kyo la~la~la~joins them downstairs for curry. Not a single expression on his face, where is the expression? it will appear when the plot is forced to address it: by the end of the ep when momiji face hin again. Then we get kyo’s reaction.

I need someone to tell the anime that actions require a reaction. You can refrain from showing a certain reaction if you can’t address it now, but you can’t erase it, negate it, then make it appear when have to!!!! couldn’t they make kyo refuse to join them & eat together? the other characters wont be surprised they think he’s needlessly moody. The audience will know that kyo is troubled with momiji’s challenged & it will excite them!!! having kyo just go eat & watch the momiji/hiro/haru/yuki comedy skit is weird.

The manga’s author wanted kyo to join the dinner, like the anime did. but huge difference. the author actually cares for logic reaction & understands that the audience aren’t dumb little kids that will sit & wait for kyo’s turn to...react! nope! she did this: (a) & (b) below.

-Lost Small Bits/ Panels from the chapter.. But Sadly Big Huge Chunks for Characters buildup & Growth:

(a) addressed the fact the hiro noticed kyoru is in love & dressed that shigure was right!! the cat being in love is a weird concept to the zodiacs! hiro reacted naturally & the author used hiro to flesh yuki’s (the rat), momiji’s (the rabbit) & haru’s (the cow) decision to silently watch the kyo (the cat) makes his own decisions to live!!! They won’t interfere or tell akito or remind him of his state as the doomed caged cat. So sad this moment is cut from yuki. Why must yuki only interact with kyo to beat him (all seasons)? why must yuki only think of kyo to envy him (all seasons) ? Here, yuki’s growth towards kyo as a person & his relationship with tohru is 1000 times better than all tohru is my mom’s sh!t & I envy kyo’s Sh!t we saw in the anime over & over till we memorized it.

(b) kyo didnt just go la~la~eat with momiji after knowing he loves tohru. Nope, there’s small bits missing: called logical emotional reaction. He was surprised he’s caught pining over tohru! cuz yuki, the audience representative, has told us in the previous chapter that ppl in love dont notice anything around them. Kyo thinks him being cold hid his feelings. the dummy’s feelings are as bright as the sun in the Sahara, tohru too. a child read her! such small thing that wont take much space from the ep but was cut cuz kyo only needs to be responsive at the ep’s end. & this scene of kyo & tohru looking awkwardly at each other is minor in space but so important cuz kyo is determined to let go but his decision is challenged by not only momiji, but his natural attraction to tohru. Here he knows he’s caught & exposed... here he knows momiji is a better choice for tohru cuz he wont didn’t hurt her mom... here he knows that even yuki is better cuz never had to pretend to be cold to her... here he knows the world is better than him... & here he just cant help by smile & walks towards her... T_T ... another lesson in writing slow burns by Takaya-san.

-Why would the anime team pass on this?? drawing kyoru closer after the epic tear in Cinderella ep, cuz they want empty suspense~! The anime team thinks that if kyo & tohru stand next to each other, then it means all their issues are solved & the audience are so stupid as to forget tohru’s mom, kyo’s imprisonment, kyo not confessing his sins to tohru & tohru’s need to make a choice wether to fogive hom or not.. nope! you see, they think, ppl who read mangas are smart, so the author can give this epic symbolism & pp would still be not sure kyoru is end game & tohru will forgive him or kyo even fogive himself, but ppl who watch, oh no, gotta cut all the plot worthy content, produce a graduation song for a minor character, cut all kyo/tohru interaction cuz it only means romance & not at all character depth & oh if we show yuki actually formulating deep thoughts that aren’t centered around him, the audience might forget his se02 struggles! or that might ruin yuki’s upcoming growth moment in the finale where he .. you guessed it hits kyo.. as he always do & sulk & think abt himself cuz yuki can only do monologues when he’s directly involved.... man~it is so sad how the anime is dumped down.. Who is the target audience again? not kids as young as hiro cuz even hiro is smart!

-just look:

Momiji talks abt kyo shouldn't give up loving tohru & the authr shows this this ghost!!! his mom! The author reminds us that kyo isnt da~~~~ forgetting anything. He’s a deeply troubled soul & hos mom wants him locked cuz she too was locked in a cage & thinks that’s safer...why oh why you dump ur own story! sh!t~

Side Notes:

I like the closeups on Kisa’s face as she interacted with kyo. It’s very rare for kisa to have a world beside the endearing parental/big protective bro/big doting sister love she has with tohru & haru & off course the romantic love with hiro which was perhaps since their birth or sth. lol. Kisa & kyo arent much on the brotherly side as they rarely interact, but its one of those refreshing interactions she has that helps cast a new light on her as tiny as it is, but its sth out of the norm around her. She sees him around tohru & gets to perceive his true unprovoked character. “He is nice guy”.

I really wanted to punch kureno this chapter.. like Shigure is a jerk shitty dog for sleeping with akito’s mom but kureno... dude.. you submissively sleep with the guy’s eternal love interest & still walks in on him talking to her!!! lol. you’re mentally, emotionally & physically weaker than him & yet, she puts you on her bed, not him & you, tho not wanting her at all, dont walk away. No wonder shigure is defeated & wishing for someone like tohru, lol! Even if shigure met an older tohru-like person, it wont work. shigure deserve someone like him mean, schemer & loves playing power games. Tohru is someone who values honesty & commutation, not saying she’s an angel on earth, but tohru knows who suits her.. except fate is saying: NO. .... currently. lol.

I know kureno’s weakness is part of his character & I love that such characters exits. There are ppl ike that in real life. It’s just this chapter, I felt shigure’s frustration. XD

Yuki in this ep is the best yuki. no exaggeration here, I love when yuki is calmly thoughtful of others & here its kyo of all ppl !!!! cutting this scene is sad.. without it, kyo & yuki remain a cat & rat in the anime. Only ever thinking abt each other thro envious binoculars or hateful words or yuki giving kyo comedic hitting or life’s problem-solving hitting. Why can’t anime yuki be interactive outside his self-centered issues is beyond me.

Momiji & kyo’s interactions are always the best! whether comedy or drama.

I hated the curry cooking scene in the anime... so weirdly out of the ep’s flow.. very forced comedy... in the manga it had a purpose! not just quick add comedy cuz next shot momiji curse breaks & drama & we’ll close the ep with tears & sadness & glimpses of hope...

I love haru’s answer to hiro... so him.. “a guy can’t fall in love?”so chill.. so..simple.

#Fruits Basket #Anime Only #manga spoilers #fruits basket manga #manga review #sad paper #mad paper #I'm having shitty personal day dont mind me #sorry for extra anger #if it sounds like I;m screaming or shouting #I'm not i swear #I really love the anime & se03 is the best content among the other seasons #its just have big giant issues in plot & characters....

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oneofthosesimps · 3 years

Text

God knows I tried

pairing: levi x fem!reader I nsfw

word count: 7983

summary: reader comes to paradise with yelena and the others. although you are marleyan, you want to fight for the eldian. at the beginning you experience harsh rejection before levi develops feelings for you

warnings: SPOILER season 4, first time, angst, fluff, smut, harsh words

authors note: i got the idea from a request (although i interpreted it completely different and wrong, i'm sorry (still)). well, i want to elaborate and develop my writing skills a bit, which is why i'm trying out a bit at the moment. that's why i focused less on smut and more on conveying feelings. i hope you like it and once again, i'll write the story again with the theme of the actual request and more smut (it's on my list)

all credits to the artist of this pic:

Bev-Nap

-----

You feel out of place, even though you have fought so long to sit right here. Not only the icy stares of your opposite but also the tense posture of your comrades give you exactly that feeling. A silence overcomes you at the table, while you can hear the sound of metal and ammunition. You dare not lift your eyes and instead look at the cup in your hands. The tent is filled with the scent of black tea, which blends with the sound of chirping crickets to create a symphony of summer, if only it wasn't so cold. A heavy stone rests on your chest and a nervousness creeps through your body that you have rarely felt before. Your warrior heart is a wrinkled mess and you are surprised at yourself for the thoughts that are floating through your head right now. It has been a long time since you felt so small. Your gaze lifts slightly and your eyes fall on folded arms. You can see veins on his hands, winding along under his skin. They follow the contours of his muscles, which are hidden under his jacket. Wings emblazon one of his shoulders and right above his heart and you eye the beautiful symbol before your eyes travel even higher.

Frozen iron looks at you and a shiver runs down your spine. His half-closed eyes are partially covered by his black hair and yet hatred shines through them. You are paralysed for a moment before you pull away and look at the woman beside him instead. You hold your breath as she looks curiously down the barrel of the loaded pistol and your right fingers clutch the porcelain in your hand. If a shot were fired now, she would also lose her remaining sight.

A broad grin settles on her face, which is bathed in a warm orange by the lamp above you, reflecting through the lenses of her glasses, "Oh, I see. So you can shoot multiple times with it." She is wearing the same clothes as Levi and inwardly you wonder what the wing symbol is all about.

Your gaze wanders to the left and you look at the tall, blonde woman. Yelena's features are soft and you admire her for her courage and composure. If she is insecure, she has that feeling hidden deep within her and doesn't let it show through. Her eyes glance at the cup in her hand as she eyes the dark liquid, "Those are Marleyan soldiers' standard equipment." Hange's fascination does not abate and she turns the weapon from right to left.

Yelena's hand grips the handle of the cup before she takes a small sip and sets it down again, "Each Marleyan's army divisions consists of about 20,000 soldiers. There are 50 divisions in total, making around a million of them."

The brown-haired woman's face slips and you can see the surprise and shock in them. Slowly she lowers the firearm and places it on the table.

"In addition to that, they possess three fleets consisting of 21 battle ships. They've also seen incredible progress with new weapons including aerial military capabilities," Yelena continues, briefly fixing her gaze on the pistol before catching Hange's eye.

"...Aerial?" You can hear the tremor in her voice and light beads of sweat settle on her forehead. Small wrinkles form around her lips. A second later she yelps as Levi nudges her with his foot and leans towards her. His voice is low as he talks to her and you exchange brief glances with Onyankopon. His large dark eyes look at you as confused as you feel and your brow furrows. His eyes turn back to the two people opposite you and he clears his throat, "So in other words, mobile weapons that can go beyond seas and walls, and drop the enemy from the sky." His explanation seems to strike a chord with Hange and she jumps to her feet. Her chair scrapes across the floor before toppling backwards with a thud. She slams her palms down on the table and leans her upper body towards you, "They'll come from the sky?!"

Despite her joyful enthusiasm, this little phrase leaves a bitter note. Suddenly you realise again how terribly sad this situation is. Such things are normality for people on the mainland. Guns and flying ships are technologies that have been around for a long time. The whole world uses them, except for a small island in the middle of the sea. Hange has never seen such things in her life, nor have the rest of the people in this camp and within the walls. Although they are the same people, they live such different lives.

Your mouth goes dry and you take a big sip of your tea, almost burning your tongue. The feeling mixes with the pain in your chest and your heart tightens. So much has gone wrong, so much you now have to fix and undo. The weight on your shoulders seems to crush you as you continue to look to Hange, not letting on.

She leans forward even further and her face becomes thoughtful, "Marley has all that wonderful power, yet they haven't launched a proper attack on us for almost a year, why is that?"

Yelena's expression remains unchanged, "There are two main reasons." She takes her time with her words, thinking them over as she takes another sip of the dark tea. After setting the cup down she continues to speak, "The first reason is the Pure Titans that they unleashed on this island. Their existences make it hard for them to get here, even with the latest weapons. It was originally a policy meant to confine the Eldians inside the walls. However, it ended up protecting Eldian from attack."

For the first time you hear his deep voice. It sounds like dark strong honey and nestles around you. You feel as if the vibration is making the tent wall shake and goosebumps settle over you, "Seems like it. Quite ironic, I must say." He adds a snort to the end of that sentence and looks disdainful.

Yelena smiles dryly at him for a moment before lowering her gaze and breaking eye contact, "However, the day is about to break. The Titans should be active soon. Yet, we're still leisurely drinking tea here outside the wall. That means you have killed all the pure Titans on the island. Would that be correct?"

Levi's body tenses almost imperceptibly as his clothes cover much of it, but you see that his shoulders are getting even broader. The veins on his hand that you noticed earlier stand out more and you feel an electricity emanating from him. His face shows no movement and he keeps a straight face, "So what? Are you going to somehow inform Marley about it?"

This is the first time you would like to say something to convince him that you have come with good intentions and that he can trust you. But deep down you know for a reason that it will probably take the longest with him - if he will ever trust you at all.

Yelena stares at him and you can see a small smirk curl her lips, "No, It's wonderful."

Only by Levi's eyebrows can you tell he's slightly surprised as the furrow between them gets a little deeper and darker. His body tension doesn't change as he glares at you with dark eyes while Hange's right hand becomes a fist, "What's the second reason?" Her gaze wanders back and forth between the three of you.

"Marley is currently in a state of war with multiple countries," Yelena explains, "In other words, they got bigger thing to deal with. You guys have defeated Marley's trusted Warrior unit. You guys also took the Colossal Titan and the Female Titan, their key weapons. Marley is a country with many enemies. So other countries came together in a blink of an eye and then the war began."

Your gaze falls to the weapon on the wooden table and images of war run through your head. Goosebumps forms on your skin as the sound of guns being fired echoes through your head and you shake slightly. Your breathing changes through your quickening heart and you feel Levi's eyes on you for a split second.

"So that means you guys are the people of losing countries with grudges against Marley. And you infiltrated the army as some sort of intelligence agent?" The air around you thickens and grows heavier and Yelena closes her mouth. You see a small change of temper in her before you stare at Hange. Seconds pass and no one says anything before a small, happy sound comes from the brunette and she smiles broadly at you, "Oh, was that a bullseye? As I thought, you guys must have convincing enough motives and backers to betray Marley like that."

Yelena's hand tightens around her cup and Onyankopon and you do likewise. Again your heart tightens and you lower your gaze. Unnecessary guilt creeps from the depths of your soul to the brightness and spreads through your body. How many people, how many women and men and children have lost their lives? Why are you, of all people, sitting here? What can you contribute? Questions and questions swirl in your head and you literally drown in the wave that drives them.

Your thoughts almost overwhelm you Yelena's voice comes through to you, "We lost our homeland to Marley and join their army as conscripts. We're weak. We also start losing hope in opposing such a big nation. It is until we're guided by him."

Something warm mingles with the tension and darkness as her posture changes and all tension falls from her. Her chin lifts and she looks up into the brightness of the lamp above her, literally making her eyes glow. A slight smile settles on her face as her eyes glaze over, "Marley and the world feared the Titans as devils. However, it looked like something else to me. A god." At these words, she jolts and a shiver runs down your spine. Sometimes Yelena seems like a believer, as if she has seen something that is still hidden from the rest of you. In such moments you notice again how different your drives are, although you are striving for the same goal. Deep down, however, she sometimes frightens you, even if you would never admit it, but she seemed like an addict on the way to her redemption. "He gave us hope when we're at our weakest," she continues and for a moment she seems to float above the tent before coming back to the here and now and lapsing back to normality, "We shot our superior under the orders of Zeke Yeager. We're the Anti-Marleyan Volunteers. Our goal is to free the Eldian people."

"By betraying your own people?", Levi's voice echoes again through the small cloth fenced room and your eyes shoot to him. With the corners of his mouth pulled down, he meets you and you almost choke on your own saliva. Your hands form into fists and your eyebrows draw together.

"She has proven herself often enough. Her background may be different, but we fight for the same goal," Yelena's unimpressed voice pre-empts yours, but the tension between you does not subside. Instead, sparks of anger almost fly out of you. Your self-doubt has just been pulled out of you and laid bare on the table for all to see. It is raging inside you. Hange's gaze also falls on you and she examines your presence, which seems small next to Onyankopon's and especially Yelena's, from top to bottom. "Why is someone from Marley fighting for Eldia?"

Yes, why does anyone do that? Why does one fight alongside the supposed enemy to support their plans? Why do you act wholeheartedly against all that has been impressed upon you all your life?

Your nails dig into your palms and you grit your teeth, "I do not betray my people. I betray those who lead my people."

The memory mixes with the swirl of hot water in front of you. The liquid spreads in the small porcelain vessel and nestles around the leaves, which immediately begin to smell at your touch. Warm steam wets your face and makes the rest of your body shiver.

"Don't worry so much, will you?" says Niccolo from his place at the counter and raises his head. He tilts it slightly and smiles at you. His dark eyes sparkle at you across the room as his blond hair falls wildly across his forehead. It's a stark contrast to the storm going on outside. You return his gaze with a slight smile before he turns his attention back to the vegetables in front of him. The sound of steady chopping movements fills the room and you glance back at the teapot. A sigh falls from your lips and you support yourself with both hands on the countertop.

"That's easier said than done, Niccolo. You know me."

"Yes, I know you and that's why I'm sure you have nothing to worry about".

A soft huff comes out of your mouth and you roll your eyes, "Yeah, sure. That's easy for you to say, Eldian."

His head lifts again and he looks into your eyes with slightly furrowed brows, "I mean it, Marleyan". You pucker the corners of your mouth slightly at that name. Although that is exactly the right name for you, you don't identify with it. The word has a negative connotation and tends to bring bad qualities with it. And that is not you. You are not Marleyan, you are just and simply you.

His face looks more unhappy and he seems thoughtful before a smile settles over his lips again, “I trust you, we trust you and they do too. You've done so much in your time here and even before. Don't be so critical of yourself."

Your eyes fall back to the pot in front of you and you place the lid over the opening. With a push, you push yourself off the counter and cross your arms in front of your chest, "You're right.”

"Of course, I am," he smirks. His radiance continues to fill the room and his warmth reaches you, flooding you and your little heart, and your lips pull up slightly as well. Niccolo is to be envied for his positive nature. He is by far one of the nicest people you have ever had the pleasure of meeting in your life and a truly true friend. Perhaps his nature is also the reason why he is such a good cook. His nimble fingers allow his thoughts and emotions to seep into his food and every bite has a piece of his soul in it.

"I mean, you and Sasha are the best example of what can become of two opposing camps." You hear an uneven cut and see him wince slightly. His cheeks turn pink and a grin spreads across your face. He puts the knife down and places his right hand on the back of his neck, nervously stroking his hair, "Yeah, you think so?"

"Who doesn't?" the tips of his ears turn pink too. He looks cute.

"My food is just good. That's the real reason Sasha comes."

You snort. "No, Sasha comes for your food as well. But I'm sure there's another, bigger point that's much more important." Again, a smile curls his lips and he looks happy.

"I envy you for that," you murmur, your expression changing slightly. A tide of sadness settles over you, leaving your body shivering.

"Envy me? But for what?"

"I just wish I could get along with them as well. I wish I had a significant other too."

Now comes a snort from Niccolo. Surprised, you look at him and he shakes his head, "Yes, I have Sasha. But you have someone else for that". As you continue to look confused, he takes the towel from his shoulder and throws it on the countertop. "Don't act like that. I've seen the looks on his face. Don't pretend you don't know who and what I'm talking about."

You tear open your eyes and your breath catches in your throat. Immediately a heat rises to your face as you understand who he is talking about and a deep blush settles over your cheeks, far surpassing his.

"I-I don't know what you mean," you stammer to yourself as your face gets even hotter and it is now time for Niccolo to grin at you. "N-no, you've got it wrong. Levi and I ... we ... this is absolutely nothing."

"So Levi, huh?" You slap yourself for saying his first name so carelessly.

"The captain and I," you begin again, "there is nothing. I don't think there could be anything with anyone either. You know him, he's a cold lump of ice." You look down at your feet on the floor, "besides, he hates Marley and I can't even blame him."

A silence settles over you before you hear footsteps. As Niccolo puts his hand on your shoulder, you lift your gaze again and warm brown looks at you. "That may be, but I can tell you one thing: I can clearly see that he doesn't hate you".

"You think so, huh?" you bite your lower lip, unable to suppress the flutter of wings from the butterflies in your stomach. He squeezes your shoulder lightly with his hand, "I mean it, yes."

You mirror his soft smile, but it doesn't reach your heart. Maybe Niccolo is right in what he says, but it was rather unlikely and your body can't imagine Levi feeling this way. Your head tells you that's not the case. You are alone.

A knock on the door snaps you out of your thoughts and he drops his arm. The wooden door opens with a soft squeak and a dark brown pigtail pokes its head into the room. Big brown eyes look at you and you notice Niccolo's energy change.

"I hope I'm not too late," Sasha says happily and opens the door wider. Still in her uniform, which accentuates the curves of her body, she raises her hand and waves at you. You smile broadly at her and take a step back.

"Absolutely not, you're just in time. I've already got the vegetables ready," Niccolo says, grabbing the kitchen towel again. Sasha jumps in the air with happiness and runs past him to the counter with the chopping board. You see another slight blush on Niccolo's face before he turns away from you and takes his place beside her. You watch the two of them for a brief moment and your heart blossoms. Who would have ever thought that feelings could arise between two actually so hostile parties. And they both seem more than happy, even if it is hard to tell at the moment because Sasha is literally foaming at the mouth with hunger. You place the teapot on the tray next to it and leave the two of them discussing about the best temperature for the soup.

Your feet carry you through the kitchen door and you stride down a long corridor. The storm outside is slowly getting stronger, whipping against the windows. Without thinking, you walk through the building. You have been walking this way several times a day for several months now, you could serve tea in your sleep. By now you are probably even better at this than at holding a gun and fighting. When you reach the end, you stop in front of a large door.

Your knuckles touch the wood and you knock on it three times in quick succession. There is silence for a moment before Levi's dark voice comes muffled from the other side of the door, "Name and request."

You clear your throat briefly, "It's me, sir. I've brought your lunchtime tea." You hear the rustling of paper for a brief moment.

"Come in."

Your hand grips the cold metal of the door handle and you push it down.

The captain's office is probably very similar to the one in the capital, at least that's how Hange once described it to you. In his back is a large window framed by curtains, through which the sun's rays fall in the afternoon. Due to the rain today, however, it is a little darker and rather unlikely that you will be able to see the setting of the sun. The remaining walls are either empty or filled with shelves containing all kinds of books. In the back half is a massive desk, its surface almost completely filled with stacks of papers. Levi sits in his chair, as he usually does, his head bent over his papers, causing strands of his black hair to spread across his forehead.

There is a scent of detergent in the room, which mixes with his body odour. Sometimes you have the feeling that he is gradually taking on the smell of lemon and lime and regret the fall of cedar, earth and something else that you could never quite put your finger on until now. As soon as he senses your presence at the entrance, his eyes lift and your heart slips a little. You lick your lower lip to moisten it and feel your hands grow a little damp as you clutch the handles of the tray. Shadows are on his face and you can see the circles that have formed under his eyes.

For a brief moment you look at each other before you tear your gaze away and your feet move across the wooden floor.

"How are you, sir?" you ask as you set the tray down on a dresser on the left wall and take the cup and coaster in your hand.

"Tch, I already told you that you can call me Levi."

Your toes just barely touch the surface of the water and you dip them in before they come back out. It was completely silent except for the chatter of the people behind you and the sound of the ocean. Somewhere you could make out Niccolo's loud laughter and you smirk inwardly. The waves of the sea flow towards you before breaking on the piers of the pier.

The moon is still low over the horizon, but a few stars can already be seen in the cloudless sky. A gentle breeze sweeps over you and you pull your jacket tighter around you, snuggling into it. It is so incredibly peaceful and beautiful, it is hard to put into words.

"Tch, you shouldn't go so far away," says a cold, deep voice behind you, a total contrast to the rest of the scenario. Startled, you turn away from the reflection of the twinkling stars and look behind you.

His hands buried in the pockets of his suit, he looks down at you with a slightly annoyed expression and half-closed eyes. His figure is captured by the black fabric and it flatters him very much, fitting perfectly. You wonder if he had it tailored. A cold shiver runs down your spine as he eyes you.

"I-I'm so sorry, sir," you stammer, pulling your feet out of the water. Just as you are about to get up to quickly run back to the others to not annoy the captain more, he plops down beside you. Confused, you stare straight ahead and tense up as he makes himself comfortable next to you. Should you go now anyway? After a few seconds, he makes no move to tell you again, so you remain seated. The mood remains tense and does not fit in at all with the relaxing sounds around you. His hand is right next to yours and your knees are almost touching. Out of the corner of your eye you eye him and maybe it's the moonlight accentuating his contours, but he looks different. Had he always been so handsome? Such a face should be forbidden. A breeze comes up again, tousling his hair slightly, and you breathe in. Has he always smelled this good? Such a smell should be forbidden.

You look towards the moon, trying to control your rapid heartbeat. Your hands begin to sweat and the situation becomes uncomfortable. You've never spent any of your free time with him before, it doesn't feel right.

"Doesn’t it look beautiful ," you murmur to break the silence.

You hear a snort beside you and look at Levi, instantly regretting your statement. His eyes resemble the stars in the sky, even as they slowly turn dull and grey, "Yes, but at what cost?"

You frown slightly, confused by his statement and he looks past you, "How long we fought to be able to sit here."

A light goes on in your head and you bite the inside of your cheek. You didn't mean it like that, that's not what you wanted. Shame and anger come over you. Sasha told you a bit about her background when she was with you and Niccolo in the kitchen. You could never understand how much they have been through. The pain they are in is immeasurable.

"How many people I have lost to sit here," he murmurs, probably more to himself than to you, "Isabel, Petra, Erwin...", at the last name his voice breaks off and he hangs his head. The next breath of wind that surrounds you makes you freeze. This situation is cruel and deep inside you ask yourself how it came to this and why he is saying these things to you of all people. None of these names mean anything to you, but you feel his pain. You have never seen him like this, so fragile and weak. Tears come to your eyes and you are speechless. Your heart tightens and you feel the need to take him in your arms, to help him somehow. A huge burden lies on you. Your people have done this and now you have to make up for these mistakes. At that moment you realise that this will never be possible. You can never make up for something like this. It remains silent between you, the sea no longer has anything happy about it. Instead, it seems to you that every sound, every wave, reflects the cries of fallen friends, comrades and families.

"I'm sorry," you whisper, looking down at your hands, which you place in your lap. A tear drips onto them and you brush it away.

"Don't be. It's not your fault."

Your head lifts and you look at him. His gaze is averted and his knuckles turn white as he grips the edge of the pier.

"Yes, it is. Somehow it is," you murmur, seeking his gaze. As he returns it, the grey in them moves and slowly changes again. "I should have done something sooner, I'm so sorry. I can never make it right, but I'm trying to do everything in my power to make sure it never happens again. So that no one ever has to suffer at the hands of my people again, sir." Please believe me.

There it is again, the silver sparkle slowly coming back. Your heart beats heavy inside you, burning. Levi eyes you for a long time, letting his eyes glide over your features, and you do the same. You block out your surroundings, taking in only the sound of his steady breathing and the feel of his closeness.

"Call me Levi."

A barely perceptible blush settles over your cheeks once more as you set the dishes down on the only small space on the desk and remember this scene. Forms, reports and the like form a neat chaos that follows a strict principle. Never have your eyes seen even a piece of paper on this floor. He is the cleanest person you have ever met.

"Sorry, I just got so used to call you sir or captain." You lift your gaze briefly, looking into cool grey. Your assumption earlier was correct, his dark circles are darker than ever. He looks terribly tired and exhausted, but that doesn't stop him from continuing to maintain his strong posture.

You smile at him briefly before going back to the dresser. You feel his eyes on you the whole time, which sends a warm shiver down your spine.

"When was the last time you had a break?" your hands grip the porcelain of the pot. There is a silence between you as you pour him his tea. His lack of response speaks volumes and you feel sorry for him. It must not be easy being in charge next to Hange. Does he ever wish for a break inside? Does he even know such a thing? The quiet flow of liquid breaks the silence as he continues to look at you. Your nervousness increases and your butterflies fly stronger, tickling your stomach.

As always, he takes a sip of tea as soon as you finish and as always, you look at his fingers as they wrap around the top of the cup. Many times you have wondered where he had learned to drink like that, but over time your thoughts change. Instead you admire his hands, his long slender limbs that conjure up dreams in your mind. Your left hand forms into a fist as your face turns red.

"Good", he says as he raises an eyebrow and eyes you questioningly.

You just nod at him and walk quickly back to the dresser, hiding your face from him. As you put the pot back in its place, your hands tremble and you take a deep breath to slow your breathing. It is unimaginable what he is doing to you. Is this how Niccolo always feels when he sees Sasha?

Finally, you turn and look down at the floor, "Is there anything else I can do for you?" Your hands play nervously with each other as you hold them in front of your body.

Silence falls again and seconds pass, it takes longer than usual to answer this question and you are beginning to wonder if he didn’t hear you.

"No, you can go," he finally says. You nod and head for the door. You don't dare look at him again, to prevent him from reading you like a book. Because he is extremely good in this area. Sometimes he knows more about his counterpart than he does himself. Just as you are about to reach for the door handle again and push it down, you hear his voice again, "Are you happy here?"

You open your eyes slightly and turn to him. Your eyes cross again and your forehead wrinkles. His eyes look different than usual, the grey seems much warmer and ... darker? You have never seen his eyes this colour before. You swallow hard and give up trying to control your heart. His question is unexpected and you can't find an immediate answer. In fact, you've asked it yourself many times before. There is no comparison to Marley, positive or negative, it is a very different life. Either way, it feels like you're a prisoner. Like you don't belong in either world. You remember Marley, your family, who you will probably never see again because they never want to see you again. At the latest after they found out you were leaving them, you were on your own. But you are sure that they already had an idea of what it was like and that their hatred began much earlier. How different your thoughts were and are compared to those of the rest of the people there. And here in the realm of the devils, it hardly seems any different. Of course, you are now a little closer to your goal, but even here you are not welcome. You fight for people who do not want you.

"I'm not unhappy," you murmur and slump your shoulders, "I just feel lonely."

You see his head working and an emotion wash over his face. Again, there is a long silence before he opens his mouth, "Why lonely?"

"Well," you stammer a little, surprised at the direction your encounter today is taking. It's funny how much has changed since that time in the tent.

"It seems to me that everyone has their purpose, that everyone knows their place. Yelena, for example, led us here, has been our leader from the beginning. She takes care of all these important things and what do I do? I get to help Niccolo prepare the food and I get to bring you tea." Your hands form into fists and anger rises from your belly. "I'm not allowed to go anywhere near the city or you'd have to worry that I won't come back because they've put an end to my life. What have I been fighting for all this time?" Without you realising it yourself, your voice rises and you become louder. "I try to do something good, to achieve something, but nothing happens. I can't do anything. What am I doing here? What did I do in Marley? Why does everyone hate me?", the last words are more of a whisper and you feel tears welling up in your eyes. Your emotions overtake you. The anger slowly fades, leaving a bitter, nauseating taste. You are so pathetic. Your life is useless, you are useless. You stand in the office of the man who is your superior, who is supposed to look after you so that you don't betray anyone, who hates your people from the bottom of his heart and who brings out feelings in you that shouldn't be there. Your body begins to shake slightly and you wipe away individual tears. What has happened to you since that moment in the tent? You feel as if you are losing sight of your purpose, the one thing that drove you to keep living.

"I don't hate you."

You look at him in surprise. His body looks tense and you regret having such an outburst. Levi is not really one of the people you should and would pour your heart out to like that. Suddenly you feel terribly small and stupid. While you have confided in each other more and more little things over time, such outbursts of emotion is still unusual. Especially since Levi very rarely lets you see through his shell. He probably just wanted to be nice and didn't expect you to pour your heart out to him right away.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have burdened you with this." You straighten your figure and smile at him. "If anything should be the matter, don't hesitate to let me know". With these words, you turn and open the door. You want nothing more than to leave this room and escape from this uncomfortable situation.

Before you can take a single step, it slams shut again. Immediately you tense up and freeze. Your eyes widen in shock and surprise. His hand is right next to your head and his body is leaning against the wood. His presence is strong and warm and you feel the need to fall backwards against him. Your belly does somersaults and the butterflies come to life. Slowly, as if in slow motion, you turn towards him and immediately press yourself against the door behind you. He is close, much too close, much closer than you suspected. His eyes sparkle at you, the grey has turned to silver which darkens as you return his gaze. You feel trapped like an animal about to be eaten by its hunter.

" You are talking bullshit, idiot," his warm breath swirls over your skin, his dark voice even deeper than usual. You expel a long-held breath and your nails dig into your skin as you form your hands into fists again. The tension between you is huge and the air is about to crackle. Your heart beats with strong, firm thumps against your ribcage. If it keeps up like this, it's going to jump out.

"Yeah, you think so?" you murmur, licking your dry lower lip. You press harder against the door as his gaze lands on your lips. Your chest almost aches from the hammering of your heart. You feel as if you are about to throw up. Your nerve endings tingle with anticipation. Very slowly his head moves towards you. If this is a dream, you don't want to wake up, ever. The movements are barely noticeable and you hold your breath again.

"Yes, I think so," he murmurs, stopping in front of your face. His silver eyes meet yours and a deep, strong feeling runs through you. He sees something in your eyes just before his lips touch yours. You don't dare move. The touch is light as a feather and your eyes close to take it in fully. His lips are much softer than you expected. They move like wings against yours and your eyes roll into your skull. Despite the light touch, whole emotions wash over you that you can barely tell apart. Lust, loss, happiness, sadness, desire, restraint. They swirl through your head and make you dizzy. He leans closer against you and you can't suppress the soft moan that escapes you. His body tenses, but he doesn't flinch. Instead, the kiss becomes more decisive, stronger. His tongue licks over your lower lip and you collapse inside. Another moan comes from you, this time a lot louder and you open your lips, greedy to get more, to taste more. The kiss breaks away, leaving you both breathless. Your head spins and all your weight falls against the door, your legs wobbly. You can't deny that you've thought about scenarios like this many times.

And your eyes meet again and your heart aches for a brief moment as you can see something in them. "This shouldn't have happened," you sum up your train of thought and speak it. The sentence hangs between you. You see the approval in his eyes, but his body makes no move in it. His chest rises almost as fast as yours and his expression is inscrutable. It almost seems as if he is fighting an internal battle, "You're right, the risk is too great."

Your head is screaming at you to leave, to say goodbye here and now and step through that door. You need to get some distance. This must never, ever happen again. Please, please go. Your head repeats these words over and over. But your gut...

"Would you take the risk again?"

Not even a second passes after you have uttered the sentence. Not even a second passes before his lips land on yours again. This time it is completely different. The kiss is more brutal. Immediately his tongue snakes between your lips, finding its way into your mouth. You play with each other as you cling to his shoulders to keep from falling over. His arms wrap around your waist and he pulls you against him. Your whole body is on fire as he explores your mouth with pleasure. He elicits one moan after another and enjoys the little noises you make. Your brain can barely process what is going on. What is happening here? An Eldian and a Marleyan? How can that be? Of course, it's similar with Niccolo and Sasha, but Levi is a completely different act. He was the person who even made a name for himself in Marley, a country he has never been to. He is one of the highest animals here.

He's just unbelievably perfect.

He releases the kiss and you gasp. Immediately his lips settle on your jaw before he moves further down and sucks on your neck. His tongue runs over your pulse and it takes your breath away. Is this really going to lead to that one thing? Should you really be doing this? The questions in your head give you a headache that eases as soon as he sucks on the thin skin of your neck. Slowly your head gives up, the screaming quiets and instead your gut and heart come to the fore, wanting in unison just the opposite. You want to feel him, more than this.

Awkwardly, your hands wander to his belt and you try to undo the buckle with trembling hands. All this is not so easy when you have no idea about it. To your surprise, he doesn't stop you. You can still feel the battle he is fighting inside, but it seems that his heart is also stronger. His big hands dig into your hips and he lurks above you. His mouth finds yours again and he kisses the swollen lips, sucking on them and in the same move your soul out of you. What takes you what feels like an eternity is only a few moves for him. He opens your trousers with an ease that makes your knees go weak. His hands move from your hips to the waistband and he pushes it off your pelvis. Without releasing the kiss, you slide them off your legs and feet. Goosebumps form on your legs as your overheated skin touches the cool air in the room.

His hands run over your pelvic bone, down to your thighs and caress your soft skin. A soft moan comes from him at the touch, making the butterflies in your stomach dance again. He reaches around your legs and lifts you up, his hands moving to your buttocks in the same motion and clasping it. You whimper as soon as you feel them. Never before had a man touched you like this. When should that have happened too? You have spent most of your life in the midst of war, never having had time for such things. He kneads the fat of your ass and a deep, dark moan comes from deep in his throat. The sound makes the hairs on the back of your neck stand up and you cling to him. He holds you tightly to his body and you feel as if you are both drowning men, clinging to the last bit of your lives.

"This wasn't supposed to happen," he moans against your neck as he strokes your soft skin and pulls your ass cheeks apart.

"I know," you gasp, your eyes fluttering shut for a brief moment.

"And I'm sorry it's happening here now."

"It's okay." His hands dig deeper into the flesh and your lower body is on fire. You've never felt such lust and greed in your life.

"No, it isn't. You deserve better". With these words you feel his fingers between your legs, the fingers you had thought about so many times before, and you go insane. It is indescribable when he pulls the thin fabric aside. It is indescribable when the cool air hits your core and then his fingers brush against it. Your nails dig into the fabric of his shirt, you moan loudly against his neck and bury your face, grateful that he can't see it right now.

His fingers caress your cunt and you whimper. Your pelvis automatically presses against his hand before it disappears. And again, it is indescribable as you feel his tip between your lower lips. He smears your juice, rubbing it along his hard cock before you feel it against your hole. "I just can't hold back anymore, I'm so sorry".

You draw in air through your nose, tensing slightly. A mixture of fear and anticipation, panic and anticipation, flows through your body. Your cunt tingles and there is only one thing that can soothe that tingle.

His tip penetrates you. Your world turns upside down and you groan. Your eyes close and you focus on the sensation. In all your imaginings, secretly night after night as his eyes roamed your mind, it was never like this. The pain you wait for doesn't come. Instead, a warm, indescribable feeling flows through you. Every inch of him stretches you further, fills you. It fits so damn perfectly, like it was never meant to be any other way. When he's completely inside you, he exhales shakily and you only notice now how tense he is. A moan comes from his lips as your insides clench and you lean back, your back pressed against the door again. Your eyes meet and your mouth opens slightly. There is a slight blush on his cheeks too, barely noticeable. His eyebrows are slightly drawn together, creating creases between them, and his eyes are almost black. You lift your right hand and place it against his cheek, caressing his cheekbone. He looks so erotic. As if he can read your mind, he leans down to you and again your lips touch, but this time more gently, as if this moment is fragile.

His pelvis pulls back and he thrusts for the first time. You moan out, enjoying the feeling of being completely filled. Your kiss breaks away and he rests his forehead against yours. With your eyes closed, he thrusts against you again and again, stretching your walls, fucking you against the door. Your moans grow louder and you are unbelievably happy that the rain outside has become heavier. The whipping of the wind and the patter of the drops against the windows mixes with your sounds, almost drowning them out, making it less likely that you can be heard.

Your hands wrap around the back of his neck and you bury them in the stubble of his hair.

He searches your eyes again. Intense stares burn into your brain and the speed and hardness of his thrusts become harder. Something deep inside you stirs and you can't stop the tears that run down your cheek. They travel down your cheek and drip onto your legs, which are still tight around Levi's waist. This day is like a wild rollercoaster ride, one emotion after another overtakes you and you can hardly recover from the ups and downs. And now being fucked by Levi, for the first time in your life, leaves you speechless.

There is a tingling underneath your stomach, this time different from what the butterflies cause. You can't quite place the feeling, but you want more. Levi seems to be feeling the same way, his speed picking up even faster and his hands digging almost painfully into your ass. You stare at each other as you both moan again and again, the knot tightening and tightening. More, please more.

"I don't hate you," he whispers, repeating his words from earlier, hitting a specific spot inside you. You moan loudly and he does the same. Tears roll down your cheeks again and you are so close. His eyes watch your face and your trembling lips tell him everything. He keeps the angle, keeps bumping into that one spot that makes you fly. All the while he keeps repeating that one sentence, burning it into your minds so that you, above all, can never forget it.

"I don't hate you either," you gasp before your insides explode. It's like a firework that takes you with it. This is how you imagine flying. Nothing in your life has ever felt so good. You scream Levi's name, preaching it and clinging to it, clawing into it. Your soft walls twitch like crazy, driving Levi to explode too. He leans all his weight against you and the door, moaning as he continues to fuck you, albeit slower and slower.

As soon as you come down from your high, he slides to the floor with you in his arms. His right hand goes to the back of your head and he strokes your hair as your head rests against his neck again.

"I promise you that you will never feel lonely again."

#levi x reader #levi ackerman #levi x y/n #levi x you #levi #levi heichou #shingeki no kyoujin #snk #attack on titan #aot

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comedicreliefonlyworkswhenfunny · 3 years

Text

I am against the "Americanization" of fandoms.

What this applies to

Holding non American characters (and sometimes even fans) to an American moral standard. This includes

Refusing to take into account that, first things first, America is NOT the target audience, so certain tropes that would or would not pass in the west are different in Japan.

Like seriously, quite a few of the jokes are just not going to pass or hit, because they require background information that is not universal.

Assuming all American experience is standard. (This could mean watering down just how much pressure is placed on Japanese youth irl by saying that sort of thing is universal (while it is, to a degree, Japanese suicide rates are pretty fucking high because of how fast paced and work heavy some of their loads tend to be), and it's really annoying and rude when someone is trying to speak out about how heavy and harsh the standards are placed on them to succeed just for some American whose mom occasionally yells at them to do their homework dropping by to say "it's like that everywhere")

Demonizing (or wubbifying) a character using American morals, including and up to harassing fans over their interpretations or gatekeeping whether or not a character "should" get development (while you shouldn't do that fucking period, it's rude and annoying- this is specifically for the people who use American standards without acknowledging the cultural gap between them and, you know, the fucking target audience) ((Like seriously, saying "It's different in Japan" is not the end all be all excusing someone's actions, but sometimes the author didn't immediately think that maybe (insert vaguely universal thing) was that bad or that heavy of a topic before they put it into their media. If you don't want to see things like that? Pick a different series and stop harassing the fans))

Getting mad at or making fun of Japan's attempts to satirize their own culture. (A good example is Ace Attorney! To most of us, it's just a funny laugh can you imagine if courts were actually like that- guess what? Japan's are! (Not that America's are actually that much better, they just look good on paper))

Making America/American issues the center of your fan spaces

(Usually without sharing or bringing light to the issues that other countries are going through)

Your

Experiences

Are

Not

Univseral!

Seriously, very few things across America, even, are universal. Texas things the hundreds are nothing while Minnesota's like "oh it's only thirty degrees below zero"- so for fucks sake, stop assuming that all other countries work in ways similar to America.

It's good and important to share Ameican issues with your American followers, but guess what? America isn't the only country out there, and it's certainly not the only one going through bullshit. Don't pull shit like "why's no one reblogging this?" or "why should I care about what's happening in (X country)?"

Don't assume everyone lives in America.

Stop assuming everyone lives in America.

America is not and has never been the target audience for anime, and it's certainly not the only country outside of Japan that enjoys it.

Like I said above, sometimes Japan attempts to satirize its own culture. We can't tell what is and isn't meant as satire, because it's not our culture.

Social media activism can be tiring and maybe you don't have the energy to focus on things that are out of your control, but, if someone tells you about the shit they're going through, don't bring American politics up.

For the neurodivergent crowd out there thinking, "But why?" it's because a lot of social media, especially, is very heavily Americanized- sometimes to the point where people assume that everyone is American. Not to mention, it's disheartening. I'm sorry to say, but you're not actually relating to the conversation, you're often diverting the focus away from the topic at hand. Even if you mean well, America is heavily pedestaled and talked about frequently, and people from other countries are tired of America taking precedent over their own issues.

Don't divert non-American issues into American ones. Seriously. It's not your place. Please just support the original issue or move on.

Racist Bullshit

This especially goes for islanders and South Asian characters, as well as poc characters (because, yes, Japan DOES have black people)

Making "funny" racist headcanons. Not fucking cool.

Changing the canon interpretation of an explicit character of color in order to fit racist stereotypes.

Whitewashing or color draining characters. Different artistic skill sets can be hard, yes, but are you seriously going to look at someone and say "I don't feel like accurately portraying you or people that look like you, because it's difficult for me." If someone tries to correct you on your cultural depiction of a character and/or their life style, don't be an ass. (If possible, it would be nice for those that do the corrections to be polite as well, but it does get really frustrating).

Seriously, no offense guys, but, if you want to persue art, you're going to need to learn to depict different body types, skin colors, and/or ethnic features.

On that note, purposefully, willingly, or consistently inaccurately portraying people or characters of color (especially if someone in the fandom has "called you out" or specifically told you that what you're doing comes across as racist and you continue to do it). If you need help or suck at looking things up, there are references for you! Ask your followers if they have tutorials on poc (issue that you're having), whether it be bodily portrayal, facial proportions, or coloring and shading. Art is so much more fun when you can depict a wider variety, and guess what? Before you drew the same skinny, basic, white character over and over, you couldn't even draw that!

Attempting or claiming to DEPECT CULTURAL ACCURACY within a work or meta, while being completely fucking wrong. ESPECIALLY and specifically if someone calls you out, and you refuse to fix, correct, or change anything.

*little side note that the discussion revolving art is a very multilayered conversation, and it has quite a few technical potholes, which I'll bring up again farther into this post.

Fucking history

Stop demonizing or for absolute fucks sake wubbifying Japanese history because UwU Japan ♡0♡ or bringing up shit like "you know they sided with Nazis, right?" It's good to recognize poor past decisions, but literally it's not your country keep your nose out of it. And? A lot of decisions made by countries were not made by their general peoples. Even those that were, often involved heavy propaganda that made them think what they were doing was right.

Seriously, it's not your country, not your history. Unless you have some sort of higher education (but honestly even then a lot of those contain heavy bias), just don't butt in.

^^^ this also goes to all countries that are NOT Japan (specifically when people from non American countries talk about their history while in fandoms and someone wants to Amerisplain to them why "well, actually-"). When we said, "question your sources," we didn't mean "question the people who know better than you, while blindly accepting the (more than likely biased) education you were given in the past."

What this does NOT include:

Fanfiction

FANfiction

FanFICTION

FANFICTION.

Seriously, fanfiction is literally UNPAID WORK from RANDOM FANS- a lot of which who are or have started as kids. ((No, I'm not trying to excuse racist depictions of people just because they're free, please see above where I talk about learning to grow a skill and how it's possible tone bad and get good, on top of the fact that some inaccuracies are not just willful ignorance))

"Looking it up" doesn't work

"Looking it up" almost never works

Please, for fucks sake, you know that most all online search engines are heavily biased, right? Not to mention, not everything is universal across the entirety of Japan. You want to look up how the school system works in Hokkaido? Well it's different from the ones in Osaka!

Most fanfiction is meant to be an idealized version of the world. Homophobia, transphobia, misogyny, ableism, and racism are very prevalent and heavy topics that some fan authors would prefer to avoid. (Keep in mind, this is also used by some people in those minorities often because thinking about how relevant those kinds of things are is to them every day).

A lot of shit that happens in writing is purely because it's an ideal setting. I've seen a few arguments recently about how fan authors portray Japanese schools wrong- listen, I can't tell you how many random school systems I have pulled from my ass purely because (I need them to interact at these points, in these ways). Sometimes the only compliment I can think of is 'I like your shirt' or sometimes I need character A to realize that character B likes the same thing as they do, so I might ignore the fact that most all Japanese schools require uniforms, so that I can put my character in a shirt that will get someone else's attention.

Sometimes it's difficult to find information on different types of systems, and sometimes when you DO know those things, they directly rule out a plot point that needs to happen (like back on the topic of schools (from what I've seen/heard/read- which guess what? Despite being from multiple sources, might still be inaccurate!) Japanese schools don't have mandatory elective classes (outside of like gym and most of them usually learn English or another language- I've seen stuff about art classes? But the information across the board varies.), but, if I need my character to walk in and see someone completely in their element, I'm probably not going to try and gun for accuracy or make up a million and two reasons as to why this (non elective) person would possibly need something from (elective teacher) after school of all things.)

Some experiences ARE universal- or at least overlap American and Japanese norms! Like friends going to fast food places after school doesn't /sound Japanese/ or whatever, but it's not like a horrible inaccuracy to say that your characters ate at McDonald's because they were hungry. Especially when you consider that the Japanese idolization of American "culture" is also a thing.

Also I saw someone complaining about how, in December, a lot of (usually westerners) write Christmas fics! Well, not only are quite a few of those often gift fics, with it being the season if giving and all, but Japanese people do celebrate Christmas! Not as "the birth of Christ," but rather as a popularized holiday about gift giving (also pst: America isn't the only place that celebrates Christmas)

But, on that note, sometimes things like Holidays are "willfully ignorant" of what actually happens (I've made this point several times, but (also this does by no means excuse actual racism)), because, again: plot convenience! Hey what IF they celebrated Halloween by Trick or Treating? What if Easter was a thing and they got to watch their kids or younger siblings crawl around on the ground looking for tiny plastic eggs?

Fanfiction authors can put in hours of work for one or two thousand words- let alone ten thousand words, fifty thousand words, a hundred thousand words. And all of these are free. There is absolutely no (legal) way to make money off of their fanworks, but they spent hours, days, weeks, months- sometimes even years- writing. It is so unnecessary to EXPECT or REQUIRE them to spend even more hours looking up shit that, no offense, almost no one is going to notice. No one is going go care that all of my combini prices are accurate or that I wrote a fic with a Japanese map of a train station that I had to backwards search three times to find an English version that I could read.

Not everyone has the attention span or ability to spend hours of research before writing a single word. Neurodivergent people are literally a thing yall. Instead of producing the perfectly pretty accurate version of Japan that people want to happen, what ACTUALLY happens is that the writer reads and reads and reads and either never finds the information they need or they lose the motivation to write.

^^^ (This does NOT apply to indigenous or native peoples, like Pacific Islanders or tribes that exist in real life. Please make sure that you portray tribal minorities accurately. If you can't find the information you need (assuming that the content of the series is not specifically about a tribe), please just make one up (and for fucks sake, recognize that a lot of what you've been taught about tribal practices, such as shit like human sacrifices or godly worship, is actually just propaganda.)

Not to mention, it often puts a wall in front of readers who would then need to pull up their OWN information (that may or may not be biased) just in order to interact with the fic ((okay, this one has a little bit of arguability when it comes to things like measurements and currency, because Americans don't know what a meter is and no one else knows what a foot is- either way, one of yall is going to have to look up measurements if they want to get a better understanding of the fic)). However, a lot of Americans who do write using 'feet, Fahrenheit, dollars,' also write for their American followers or friends (which really could go both ways).

On a less easily arguable side, most fic readers aren't going to open up a new tab just to search everything that the author has written (re the whole deep topics, not everyone wants to read about those sorts of things, either). Not only are you making it more difficult on the writer, but you're also making it more difficult for the reader who's now wondering why you decided to add in Grandma's Katsudon recipe, and whether or not the details you have added are accurate.

Some series, themselves, ignore Japanese norms! Piercings, hair dye, and incorrectly wearing ones uniform are frowns upon in Japanese schools- sometimes up to inflicting punishment on those students because of it. However, some anime characters still have naturally or dyed blond hair some of them still have piercings or wear their uniforms wrong. Some series aren't set specifically in Japan, but rather in a vague based-off-real-life Japan that's just slightly different (like Haikyuu and all of its different prefectures). Sometimes they're based on real places, but real places that have gone through major changes (like the Hero Academia series with its quirks and shit).

Fandom is not a full time job. Please stop treating it like it is one. Most people in fandoms have to engage in other things like school or work that most definitely take precident over frantically Googling the cultural implications of dying your hair pink in Japan.

Art is also meant to be a creative freedom and is almost always a hobby, so there are a few cracks that tend to spark debate. Like I said, it is still a hobby, something that's meant to be fun (on this note!)

If trying new things and expanding your portfolio is genuinely making you upset, it's okay to take a break from it. You're not going to get it right on the first try and please, please to everyone out there critiquing artists' works, please take this into account before you post things.

I'm sorry to say, but, while it gets frustrating to see the same things done wrong over and over again, some people are genuinely trying. If it matters enough for you to point out, please offer solutions or resources that would possibly help the artist do better (honestly this could be said about a lot of online activism). I get that they should "want" to do better (and maybe they don't and your annoyance towards them is completely justified- again, as I said, if this becomes a repeated offense and they don't listen to or care about the people trying to help them, yeah you can be a bitch if it helps you feel better- just please don't assume that everyone is willfully ignorant of how hurtful/upsetting/annoying a certain way of portraying things is), but also WANTING to do better and ACTUALLY doing better are two different things.

Maybe they didn't realize what they were doing was inaccurate. Maybe they didn't have the right tutorials. Maybe they tried to look it up, but that failed them. Either way, to some- especially neurodivergent artists- just being told that their work is bad or racist or awful isn't going to make them want to search for better resources in order to be more accurate, it's just going to make them give up.

Also! In fic and in writing, no one is going to get it right on the first try. Especially at the stage where we creators ARE merely in fan spaces is a great time to "fuck around and find out", before we bring our willfully or accidentally racist shit into monetized media. Absolutely hold your fan creators to higher standards, but literally fan work has so little actual impact on popular media (and this goes for just about every debate about fan spaces), and constructive criticism as well as routine practice can mean worlds for representation in future media. NOT allowing for mistakes in micro spaces like fandoms is how you get genuinely harmful or just... bad... portrayals of minorities in popularized media that DOES have an impact on the greater public. OR you get a bunch of creators who are too afraid to walk out of their own little bubbles, because what if they get it wrong and everyone turns against them. It's better to just "stick with what they know" (hobbies are something that you are meant to get better at, even if that is a slow road- for all of my writers and artists out there, it does take time, but you will get it. To everyone else, please do speak up about things that are wrong, but don't make it all about what's wrong and please don't be rude. It's frustrating on both ends, so, if you can, please try not to escalate the situation more.)

Anyways, I'm tired of everyone holding fictional characters to American Puritanical standards, but I'm also tired of seeing every "stop Americanizing fandom" somehow loop into fanfiction and how all authors who don't make their fics as accurate as possible are actually just racist and perpetuating or enabling America's take over of the world or some shit.

Fan interpretation of published media is different than fan creation of mon monetized media. Americans dominating or monopolizing spaces meant for all fans (especially in a fandom that was never meant for them to begin with) is annoying and can be harmful sometimes. Americans writing out their own personal experience using random fictional characters (more often than not) isn't.

#just google it #better represent real life #if you tell a fic reader to ngl you're being pretty ableist and don't really have a good idea of how search engines work #also when people DO try to make culturally accurate fics often times at least one or two people will pop in and say 'actually that's wrong'#not to mention sometimes they might not even be right to begin with...#and okay once or twice it is what it is #but seriously if this keeps happening over and over most people are just going to stop writing or caring #fanfiction #fanfiction is literally free #fanfiction is free labor #adding layers upon layers of research and knowledge needed- on top of how difficult it can be to portray human emotion #it's not going to it's just going to make once starry eyed writers loss their ability to enjoy their work #and guess what #some ACTUALLY racist (or homophobic or transphobic or misogynistic) writer is going to swoop in not giving two fucks #and they're going to go on and get their work published because they don't care about accuracy

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4aloysius-porteu · 3 years

Text

i am your ally || tsukishima kei.

pairing; tsukishima kei x f! reader

genre: oneshot, drama, flangst, a little comedy

word count: 5.6k

details: 3rd year Tsukishima, artist reader

warnings: reader going missing, verbal abuse, crushing of dreams, lots of sadness, heavy parental argument, everything that happens here hits home

synopsis: tsukishima didnt know what is the right thing to say after he heard of (y/n)’s situation, but the words that stumbled out from his mouth were a surprise, yet it blossomed to a meaningful talk that happens once in a blue moon.

(a/n): wrote in the middle of my depressing days to find a little comfort from this character that I love with all my heart. inspired by true situations irl; if you, my friend, is feeling down today, i hope reading this work of mine can help. i might make this into a full story if this got enough attention tho.

(Y/N) was nowhere to be found.

It wasn't Tsukishima's habit to eavesdrop on other people's conversation, but he couldn't help but listen when he heard her name from her classmates. She was a consistent top student that will never neglect her studies, so it was unusual to know that she was absent today. He thought that maybe she got sick or she decided to go crazy and skip school. If it was the latter, he hoped that she knows what she's doing, because midterms are coming in 3 days, and he's not going to listen to her whines and begs to help her study for the tests.

And now he just happened to overhear that she was missing.

He saw her parents walk out of the campus after talking to the vice-principal and to the teachers. Gossip filled the corridors and rooms. Tsukishima went back to his room, clearly annoyed with the unnecessary noise.

He listened to the lectures of each subject and continued to write down important points, but the thought of (Y/N) lingered in his head. What could've happened that led to her disappearance? Was she kidnapped? No, he just walked her home last night and she'll never leave her place past midnight. Kidnappers won't dare to make a move in daylight because of the town's high authority visibility. There's no way she'll be lost in an area she's very familiar with.

She ran away from home. That is the only logical possibility he could come up with, but he couldn't think of an idea as to why. (Y/N), who loves to be cooped up in her room with music blaring in her earphones while drawing, left her home without a trace. Tsukishima was a little worried, but he won't let his face show whatever the hell he's feeling.

His plays and blocks aren't exactly bad, but Yamaguchi could sense that Tsukishima was thinking of something other than the volleyball practice. He approached his friend who was resting on the floor, his long arms covering his curled up legs.

"Tsukki, what's with that expression? Did you get a failing score in a quiz?" Yamaguchi started, in an attempt to lighten up the atmosphere.

The blonde's eyes darted to him, "Like hell, I'm going to let that happen. What do you want?"

He shrugged, "Nothing, I just noticed that you were a little quieter and more passive today. Normally, you would've chewed the first years out with their simple blocking errors, but you didn't say a thing. You're scarier in their eyes when you're silent."

"I was tired. I'll only waste my voice pointing out something I did a million times." A sigh escaped his lips

"Right..." Yamaguchi paused, "So, I assume you have heard?"

"Heard of what?"

"That (Y/N) is missing."

"Oh," A frown fell on his features. It wasn't his usual frown. People who really know him would notice that his eyes are full of worry.

He sat beside Tsukishima before he spoke again. "I know you have ideas on places (Y/N) could've gone to."

"I do not know what you're talking about."

The latter chuckled, "Oh, humor me, Tsukki. If you're that worried, I can excuse you for today's practice. No problem."

"Does that mean that you aren't concerned?"

"I am concerned. I want to look for her as well, but I have to whip the other players into shape. I'm sorry if I couldn't accompany you right away."

Tsukishima stood up and sighed again, "You will excuse me, you said?"

"Yeah."

There were silence and the background noise of balls and shoes colliding on the floor. He wiped the sweat off his face before replying, "I'll be leaving the gym in a few minutes."

He changed his clothes and packed his things up, causing the team to exchange glances.

"Tsukki!" Yamaguchi called, throwing his friend's large jacket to him, which the other caught. "Take care! I hope you find (Y/N) and get her home safe."

"I wish. Then, I'll leave it to you, Captain."

The green-haired middle blocker's eyes teared up and sparkled as he beamed a smile back, "I got it!"

Tsukishima started to look for (Y/N) at the places she liked to go to; the art store, the Central Park, the kid's playground, the museum, and the prefectural library. But there was no sign of her anywhere. He looked at the nearby places to no avail. He walked on while dialing her number, but her phone is out of coverage area. He spent 3 more hours finding the girl and soon received a message from Yamaguchi, telling him that (Y/N) hasn't been found yet and that he joined the authorities to help them find her.

He walked back to the direction of his home, panting softly. He had failed to find (Y/N), yet his brain won't stop thinking about her possible whereabouts. The cool breeze of winter hit Tsukishima's face and shivered at the contact. He had hoped again that she is inside of an establishment, safe from such cold weather.

Tsukishima's home has its lights out. Her mother was invited into her colleagues' reunion as said in her text, and both his father and brother are busy at work. He reached for his key in his pocket and was opening the door, not until he heard a loud sob from somewhere. Tsukishima looked around the place as the sobbing continued. He searched for the source and ended up in their backyard. He caught the sight of a small figure behind the bushes and went closer to confirm.

It was a cat. It had scurried away once he got close to it. Oh, how stupid he is to get his hopes up only to find a scared animal. But he was certain he heard a sob somewhere near. And cats aren't capable of making a sound like that. Or maybe he was only hearing things?

He dragged his feet to the main door to unlock it, but this time, there was a loud noise of scrubbing on the roof. What is it this time? He moved back and looked upon where it came from.

To his surprise, it wasn't another cat but a person. Their legs were curled up, arms covered around them, with their chin on their knees. Tsukishima turned on his phone's flashlight and there she was.

It was (Y/N). Her shoulders shook, either from the cold or trying her best not to cry out loud.

"H-Help me."

He stared at the girl, confused and fighting back laughter because of how scared (Y/N) looked. "How the heck did you get in there?"

"I climbed that tree and jumped off to break in and hide in your room. Turned out that the windows are locked. I don't know how to jump back and I-I was too high from the ground. You know I'm scared of heights! Why did you lock the window?! Stupid!"

"Of course, I would lock the window for the security. And wow, aren't you the stupid one for knowing how to climb and jump up to my window and not knowing how to get down? Why did you climb if you are scared of heights? Such an idiot."

"Fine, fine. I am an idiot. Now, can you help me get off this roof?"

He crossed his arms and smirked, "No."

"Ugh! Please, Kei. I've been trapped here for hours. I am begging you to help me get down. Please?"

He sighed in defeat and raised his arms. "Here. Jump."

For seconds, (Y/N) didn't respond as she was having second thoughts about jumping.

"What? Do you expect me to get a ladder? I'm sorry, but it's in the basement, broken." He said in a mocking tone. "Don't you want to come down?"

"Can you catch me properly? Are your arms stable? Won't you fall on your ass?" (Y/N) interrogated.

Tsukishima rolled his eyes, "Alright, stay there and freeze to death."

"No, wait! I was just asking! Come back! Don't leave meeee!"

The blonde looked up to her and raised his arms again, "Don't think. Trust me, I will catch you properly and you won't crash to the ground. You weigh like nothing anyway."

"Are you talking about yourself?" She retorted, pertaining to his weight.

"Can you please just jump?"

(Y/N) inhaled and went to the edge of the roof. It was a scary view for her, just looking down makes her dizzy, and want to throw up. She thought he would have the largest frown on his face because of how irritatingly slow she was, but there was Tsukishima waiting for her with the calmest expression. She smiled a little.

"Here I go..."

She took off, closing her eyes, and swallowing her fears. The gravity pulled her feet down shortly after, and Tsukishima readied himself for the impact as he reached her waist. He held on to her lower torso while (Y/N) placed her arms around his shoulders tightly and legs on his waist. The athlete's balance slightly went off, so he took a step back to support both their weights. It was now steady.

"I'm surprised you didn't lose your balance. Where's the weak boned beanpole 3 years ago?"

"I did for a second."

"Doesn't matter. You caught me. Thank you."

They had stayed in that way for a moment until Tsukishima spoke, "Do you plan to get off?"

"No. I'm tired."

"I am too." Yet she refused to let go.

He exhaled, carrying (Y/N) to the main entrance and finally unlocking the door. Her hoodie was cold and some parts are wet, but it didn't rain on that day. He took her in and placed her on the couch. Tsukishima went to his room, changed clothes, and brought a spare sweatshirt, handkerchief, and a towel. He went down but didn't find (Y/N) where he left her, so he walked to the kitchen counter and found the girl on the corner, shivering like a pup.

He tossed the clothing at her without further words. There was a note from her mom beside the curry in the table, saying she had eaten and she left rolls in the refrigerator. He was about to turn on the stove to reheat the food his mother left, but his eyes landed on (Y/N) who sat quietly, hugging the sweatshirt instead of wearing it. Her hair was disheveled, the sleeves and neck part of her hoodie was damp, her nose was red and her puffy, bloodshot eyes implied that she has been crying for who knows how long. He set the pan down to get her a glass of water.

"Everyone was looking for you." Said Tsukishima.

"No one was really looking for me." (Y/N) replied, clearing her nose.

"I didn't spend the last 3 hours tiring myself to scan the whole town for no reason." He sat beside her, handing the glass. "Care to spill the tea?"

(Y/N) drank first before speaking weakly, "I hate them. So much."

The male remained quiet, waiting for her to continue her dilemma.

"Remember when I told you and the class that I will be the most successful doctor in Japan after I finished my studies? It was a lie. It wasn't my dream to stay in a hospital and treat ill people, I only wanted to draw and paint. I didn't care if it never made them or anyone happy, I am happy doing it. And they are taking it away from me."

He knew from the start that her dream job as a doctor wasn't true. For years she stayed close to him as a friend or more, she won't blabber anything of the medical topic. She was terrified of syringes. He saw her reading an article about surgeries and like, but her focus was easily taken away.

She will get a pencil then start scribbling and drawing. Something that Tsukishima always sees her doing whenever she has a pen and paper, but she insists that it was a mere hobby. Her notebooks are well designed and organized, but the back is always full of artistic doodles instead of algebra solutions. She only has very few art materials yet she can make a portrait with only her fingers to shade. She makes digital art without a stylus. She would drag him to the museum after class to view some western and eastern paintings or any work of art while he admires the dinosaur fossils. For times she's watching an art tutorial and talk about art, draw and paint, she has those stupid sparkles in her eyes and a huge smile on her face.

"You know Tsukishima, after I finish studying and became a doctor, I'll become an artist and if the time let's it, I'll open my own art gallery. That's my ultimate dream." She looked alive and delighted.

Very much the opposite of what she looks like right now.

Even though she was a slave of art, as Tsukishima was a slave of his own interests, (Y/N) prioritized her studies so much. He understood why when he went to her house and met her parents before their study sessions. He had noticed everything but chose to stay quiet.

"I-I was drawing last night. Dad entered my room but I didn't notice so he ripped the music away from my ears and yelled. He said that I would always lock myself in my room and draw every night. It was never-ending and irritates the shit out of him. He asked why would I do something so useless that isn't even connected to any academic subject. He was looking down on my art like he was looking at a piece of crap. He told me to stop and threatened me if I didn't. Why would I get punished for drawing? I couldn't get myself to stay silent so I retorted. If he doesn't want to see me drawing, then he shouldn't enter my room at all. He should stop meddling with my hobbies. His anger only went up."

(Y/N) stopped for a while to wipe her tears and snot with her sleeves but Tsukishima placed a handkerchief on her hands. She muttered her thanks and blew her nose and soon followed with a sneeze.

"Soon, it became a full-blown argument. He said that he was checking out if I was doing my projects, but oh he was so disappointed only to find his daughter drawing for nothing. What the heck? I gave them the best grades I could get, and part of it was because of you, Tsukishima, but they still aren't satisfied? I balanced drawing and academics, but they made it seem that all I was doing was my hobby, completely ignoring my efforts at school. I finished the school activities and I reviewed for midterms and all I want is to be left alone and draw. What, they want me to go crazy by studying every hour with things I won't even apply in real life?"

Her fake laughter echoed in the kitchen for seconds before her depressed tone took over again.

"Mom heard all the shouting and joined the argument. Of course, she sided with dad without listening to my feelings and there they ridiculed their youngest child's interests and talent. They told me that everything I do is bullshit and wrong, that I was useless, that I was the huge opposite of their expectations, and... and how come God gave them a joke. She said they raised me so that I could help them, not to do such useless things. It hurts to shout back but I did to explain why I'm so passionate about art in hopes that they will listen and understand but, I was so wrong. I was suddenly slapped..." She placed her hand to her left cheek, her lips quivered a little.

"I-It stung so much. Mom complained about how the Internet generation is so rebellious and won't listen to the elders. They didn't raise and teach me to talk back at them, but here is their child being a bitch. They started comparing me to my elder siblings or relatives who focused on their studies and who are at the door of success. I know they only want me to achieve the best, but my success isn't up to them! It's on me!! And I've invested a lot for that! They shouted at me as mom pulled my hair. It was so loud I thought I was going deaf. Dad blamed the gadget's influence and my drawings. I have only drawn decent fanarts of fictional characters, people, and sceneries, but they believed that because of these, I turned into a mannerless bastard. So mom decided to get my phone and lessen my allowance so that I wouldn't buy any art materials that are a waste of fortune--"

She bit her lower lip that is trembling uncontrollably and her eyesight blurred as her fat tears got in the way.

"and... D-Dad... he... he... he tore m-my sketch pad apart..."

Tsukishima's eyes widened. (Y/N) brought that thing with her almost everywhere she went and it was filled with good drawings and art plans. She has a lot of them though, but Tsukishima could only imagine how she felt when her efforts were trampled over by someone important to her.

(Y/N) broke down, bawled her eyes out, and shrieked hysterically. He looked at her with a heavy heart. He had seen her crying sometimes, be it because of a sad movie or empathy, but never like this. A depressed, emotional wreck. Her eyes were sore enough after a lot of hours, but she won't stop crying. It was heartbreaking to see and hear his significant other in this state, yet Tsukishima didn't know what is the right thing to say.

But maybe there was no need to say anything at all.

Kei wrapped his arms around her weeping figure and pulled her towards him. Cry it out, pipsqueak. (Y/N) didn't expect this action, nonetheless cried in his shoulder He didn't care anymore if this meant he gets his clothes drenched in her snot and tears as long as she felt a little less lonely. He rubbed her back and hair in an attempt to comfort his lover. (Y/N)'s airways hurt, but she screamed the pain out, in hopes that the pain in her heart would vanish. Her weeping went on for long minutes until she choked in her own sobs that Tsukishima had to get her another glass of water.

"Tell me, Kei." She began, wiping her eyes, "Is there... something wrong with me? Is my dream really that insignificant?"

"There's nothing wrong with you. You followed your ideals. Anyone including me would've done the same." He answered beside her.

"I-It's realistic, right?"

"It is."

"Then... why did it turn out like this?" Her voice was cracking.

Tsukishima looked down, "The society is just very cruel."

"Yeah. It sure is. Such a cruel society to live with."

(Y/N) let out a dejected sigh and leaned on Tsukki's shoulder. "I couldn't look at them without such overwhelming fear and hate anymore. I wonder if... they knew that I was doing this for them. I'd like to make them smile with something I've made myself. Once, I made each of them a portrait. A realistic one made from a pencil. I couldn't afford a material set that can be used to paint realistically, but I tried my best to impress them with a charcoal one. Oh, if only you saw their faces when I gave them the portraits. They returned a half-hearted smile. It wasn't the same kind of joy I see whenever I give them perfect scores on tests. I didn't spend 3 sleepless nights just to see their half happy, half unpleased reaction. I wish they could feel more proud of their daughter who worked hard for them... I wonder if they threw it away as he did on my sketch pad..."

They let silence engulf the atmosphere for a while. (Y/N) had calmed down a little, despite shedding smaller tears from the side of her eyes. Tsukishima held the sweatshirt he gave her earlier to make her wear it on the top of her hoodie to lessen her shivering. He stared at her, while the other gazed down on the floor with dead eyes.

Tsukishima asked, "So, what are you going to do now?"

"What am I going to do now huh..." (Y/N) repeated. "I'll probably... put everything to an end."

"You know I won't let you."

"I'm not talking about my life, silly. I might stop drawing and all. I've lost it."

"Isn't your life and drawing one and the same? And I'm pretty sure you have that immense talent to continue."

"No... Besides, talent isn't a talent if it doesn't make anyone happy."

The blonde mentally scoffed. She just said that it makes her happy in the beginning.

"Oh? Fine, stop doing that one thing you put everything into. What would that girl you received a commission from would feel if she were to hear you though?"

(Y/N) was stunned. She had completely forgotten about the whole commission thing she opened in her social media accounts. Tsukishima accompanied (Y/N) on giving the commissioned charcoal portrait to a girl last 3 weeks ago. It was (Y/N)'s first commission for years she's making art. Someone liked her work for the first time and paid for it, and her client looks very contented and glad. The words she said filled her thoughts with inspiration.

"Wow, this is awesome! I'm so happy!! Thank you for making this, it was exactly what I've pictured on my mind! You're amazing! All the excitement I've bottled up for this day is so worth it," The girl, probably a little older than them paused and admired the painting she received from (Y/N).

"Would you ignore those words she said?"

'Please don't stop drawing, I'll be looking forward to your future works!'

A pang of guilt hit her chest. She wants to pursue art, but there are these shackles and chains on her limbs and around her neck that made it hard for her to move forward. She couldn't breathe. What happened yesterday night was too much. Her parents went overboard.

"B-But—"

A monotone voice interrupted her, "Don't. Never stop striving for something you have been building for years. You might be defeated now, but surely, you will win some time. There's no way you'll stay in the lowest level of the ladder after I saw how hard you worked. You will go to nationals again, and I will continue to support you. I'll cheer for you and stay by your side! So please, do not stop! Let me see those beautiful blocks that you execute in the game once more! And I will watch you reach the top! Doesn't matter how many times, I'll never get weary of watching you do amazing things!"

She was silenced by that statement. She had definitely heard those before, but couldn't quite remember where.

"Does the sentiment seem familiar to you? Those are the same words that came from your mouth when I was planning to quit volleyball after our huge loss to Date Tech last year. I am returning them back to you."

"Huh?" She replied with a meek voice.

"That time, you really did a good job meddling with my decisions. It annoyed me first, but what you had stated held a weight that I couldn't disregard. You gave me the small push I didn't know I needed. In the end, I'd like to pay you back." Tsukishima stated with a far away look in his eyes.

(Y/N) listened with watery eyes. This Tsukishima's side isn't definitely the one she gets to see every day so she couldn't feel anything but the warm, fuzzy feeling that is healing her heart.

"It's probably selfish for me to say this but, don't you dare give up. I didn't stop. No matter how long and hard the game is, no matter how tired and discouraged I get, and no matter how many pessimistic thoughts clouded my head, I didn't stop chasing after a falling ball and thinking of another tactic to counter the enemy. I kept your words with me in court. It was you who told me not to in the first place, and I'm not going to forgive you if you ever dropped everything. I won't let the stupid, starry-eyed (Y/N) die today."

The girl beside her started sobbing. "But you told me once that my drawing are ugly."

"Oh. That. I... kind of remember that. I'm not sorry about what I said because I did it to provoke and rile you up. It was a lie though. As someone who always sees you drawing, I can't call your work ugly at all. Your art is... astounding. You make it look like it's so easy to do. I think you forgot next sentence after I told you that."

"What was the sentence after?"

Tsukishima sighed, "I told you to keep doing it, right?"

The sound of (Y/N) crying engulfed the kitchen, "Oh gosh, why did I forget that... I'm sorry, I'm so idiotic..."

The blonde brought her back to his arms, "Will you stop crying, you've been too hard on yourself today,"

(Y/N) hid her face on his chest, muffling her speech, "c-couldn't help it... my mind is such a mess... I do not know..." She paused, coughing. "It's no use if m-my parents don't acknowledge me..."

"Hundreds, or perhaps thousands of people who follow you on social media account recognize you. People in school recognizes you. I recognize you. I am your ally. Isn't that enough reason for you to get back on your feet? I will support you just like how you supported me. You have a lot of people who admire you, but I only have a few people and you. Yet your words are enough. I'm certain that soon, you will reach your parents' standards and get them to acknowledge you. It's not impossible."

(Y/N) fixed her tear-stained face before looking up to him, "You know what? Who are you? Is a good spirit possessing your body? The Kei I know will either stay quiet or laugh at me for being pathetic."

"I was trying to be nice for once and this is what I get?" He frowned.

(Y/N) chuckled and hugged Tsukishima, "I'm sorry. Everything you said meant the world to me. Thank you very much."

She relaxed against his lean body, "I have a question though..."

"What?"

"You literally had no business in my art, it was my own problem. Why are you doing this?"

"Why don't you ask yourself after you argued with me that night? Why did you have to butt in with my choices?"

"Because you like volleyball! You might look like that someone stole your dinosaur collection when you're at practice, but you're good at it and have a future in it! It is a part of you, and you're deciding to throw it away? Your potential is too big to be wasted and I refuse to let that happen." Her voice is a little louder now, but hoarse.

"There's your answer, little gremlin."

"How is that— Oh."

"But I'd like to add something."

"What is it?"

"You look better doing what you really like. It makes you look less like a hag."

It was silent after that. (Y/N) punched his arm. Tsukishima didn't even wince but asked, "What was that for?"

"The last statement was unnecessary, and the first one is sweet yet cringey." She criticized.

"C'mon, I'm just a teenager. Aren't you the cringey one most of the times?"

She used the handkerchief to sniffle her runny nose away, "Why do you have a knack of returning everything I said to me?"

"I won't do it if it's not appropriate." Tsukishima placed his hands on her back and to her hair, "So, what are you going to do now, (Y/N)?"

"I'll think things through. My brain is still slightly messy, but I'll be fine, thanks to you. But Kei..."

He hummed as a response. "I don't want to go home. I want to run away."

"Not possible. You can't survive on your own. You're almost 18 and until now, you don't understand how a washing machine works with all your perfect scores in exams."

"This is just a thought. I didn't say I'll be alone. I'm taking you with me."

"I refuse."

"Why?"

"Couldn't you wait for more months until we graduate?"

(Y/N)'s eyebrows raised, "So basically, you're agreeing, but not this time?"

"No, but you'll be free of your parents' suffocating control. Who knows how huge is your potential by that time."

"How considerate of you." The girl smiled.

"Only this time. And no, we won't live in the same place in college. Not yet. Not until we finish our studies, have secured jobs, and get important things done."

"Will you be playing volleyball at college?"

He lazily replied, "Probably."

"Don't give me such an ambiguous answer!"

"Probably yes."

"Hmm. Fine by me. I'll continue to draw, then." (Y/N) rested her head near Tsukishima's neck.

He smiled a little at her answer, "Another thing though. I don't think... you should leave things with your parents like that. There'll be a time where you have to face it."

"Yes, that sucks... I don't want to think about it but I'll have to go back eventually... When that confrontation happens, I'll try to calmly talk it out with them. I will never be certain if it will end well. But my hate and fear of them won't change."

"You can always run back here if it didn't end well."

"Kei, don't want to see their faces just yet. Can I stay here for a while?"

"You even bother to ask. You are welcome anytime in this household. Just enter the house in the front door, not in my window."

"Right... thank you."

"Oh, now it's my turn to ask. How did you get in there?"

(Y/N) sighed, "It was on 4:30pm. I was on the loose and I looked for a store where anyone can't recognize me so I can eat for lunch. But there's this creep who kept on following me—"

"Did he hurt you?" He abruptly questioned.

"No. I ran as fast as I could before he could even get close to me, but in the next block, there were the town authorities with my mom, and I knew they were looking for me, so I blended into the people with my hoodie on and made my way. I climbed the tree in panic that they'll find me and hid there. It took me hours to notice that your house is just next to it, so I decided to climb to your window. However, the window was locked, and I was stuck."

Tsukishima sighed in relief. "It was a miracle that a klutz like you didn't fell off the tree and surprisingly, no one found you."

"I was high in adrenaline when I climbed the tree. My blending and hiding skills are in ninja-tier now, I beat you."

"Whatever. What did you have for breakfast?"

"...a melon bread."

"Just that?"

"Just that."

Tsukishima kissed her forehead before lifting her up with him. "Go change. Borrow any of my clothes. I'll reheat the food."

(Y/N) kissed his cheek, slowly got off him and went upstairs. Tsukishima opened his phone to text Yamaguchi about her situation and proceeded to reheat the spicy curry.

"Wait, Kei! Is it okay for me to eat?" She shouted from upstairs.

"What kind of question is that? Of course you can." He shouted back.

"Your mom left that for you, for your dad and for your brother. I'd feel bad."

"My brother and dad will come home late and I'm sure they've eaten already. So is mom."

"Are you sure? I can replace the food." She said while going down the stairs.

"Oh, you can cook? I'm afraid you'll burn the whole kitchen." He mocked.

"At least not the whole house." (Y/N) laughed, "Just kidding, I have a tiny knowledge in cooking."

"You don't have to, I told you they already ate. I'll bring out the sushi mom made if you still want to eat."

"Alright. Thank you for the food."

Few hours later, Tsukishima's mom came home and took off her shoes. "I'm home."

As she was about to enter the living room, Akiteru greeted her and placed his finger in front of his lips, indicating her to keep quiet. She wondered what was going on and saw her youngest son and his girlfriend leaning on his shoulder, asleep on the couch in front of the TV. He signaled her to read the note Kei left on the table.

To mom, dad, and brother,

Earlier in the morning, (Y/N) went missing and her parents and town authorities were looking for her. I found her on the way home, but it turns out that she ran away from her home because of an intense argument between her parents, and doesn't want to be found yet. Please let her stay here for a while. I'll do most of the household chores or any favor you ask me in return.

Mom, I shared the curry and sushi rolls with her. I left for some for dad and brother. (Y/N) said it was very delicious.

Love,

Kei.

She smiled after reading the note and looked at the sleeping kids. She took notice of (Y/N)'s eyes and quickly understood the situation. Before she left to rest in her room, she looked for a spare blanket and laid it atop them to keep them warm.

(Y/N) snuggled further to Tsukishima's arms, satisfied on how this night will end well, unlike yesterday's.

251 notes · View notes

dialovers-translations · 3 years

Text

DIABOLIK LOVERS MORE, MORE BLOOD Vol. 3 Sakamaki Shuu Stellaworth Tokuten: “Monopolizing Her”

Original title: 彼が貴女を独り占めするCD

Source: Diabolik Lovers More, More Blood Vol. 3 Sakamaki Shuu Stellaworth Tokuten CD [CD not owned by me]

Audio: Here

Seiyuu: Toriumi Kousuke

Translator’s note: I enjoyed this CD a little more than I would like to admit, haha. Shuu teasing the MC honestly gives me life. > < It has been a while since I played any Shuu route since he almost always first and I’m close to finishing one game and about halfway through the other, so I’m glad you guys are still requesting his stuff so I can get my Shuu fix. xD

→ LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

You enter the room and walk up to a sleeping Shuu.

“Zzー... Nn...”

You start trying to wake him up.

*Rustle rustle*

“Mmh...Nn...”

*Rustle rustle*

You eventually give up and call his name.

“Nnー Shut up...Hm...”

You beg for him to wake up.

*Rustle rustle*

“...Nnh...You’re annoying...What do you want?”

You offer to go outside.

“Hah...? You woke me up just to say that? My answer’s no. If you want to head out, you can do so by yourself. I’m gonna nap.”

*Rustle*

“Ugh...Stop talking to me...You really are trying everything to prevent me from sleeping, aren’t you?”

You insist.

“Who cares if you won the tickets? I’m not interested in some mucisian’s concert. If you want to go, be my guest.”

You explain the situation.

“Haah...It’s couples only, huh? Guess you can’t get in then. Too bad for you. Why not watch the broadcast on TV then?”

You keep on begging.

“Nn...You’re persistent. Didn’t I just tell you that I’m not going? That is the one thing I want to be clear about. I am not moving, no matter what happens.”

You mention that there will be a part on classical music as well.

“...! What did you say just now?”

You repeat yourself.

“Hm...There’s a classical recital as well? I changed my mind.”

You blink in confusion.

“What are you spacing out for? We’re going to this concert. Shouldn’t you get ready?”

You remind him of his earlier words.

“I never said I wouldn’t move.”

You shake your head.

“I didn’t. Do you want to go with me? Or not? Which one is it?”

You tell Shuu you want to go.

“Then hurry up and get ready. I’m leaving you behind if you keep me waiting.”

You nod, quickly running off.

*TIMESKIP*

Upbeat music plays in the background followed by fans cheers.

“Haah...It’s so loud...I know this is supposed to be one of those lives (1), but I didn’t think the music would be this annoying. It’s crowded as well, I’m feeling fed up already. ...It’s still not over? How far are we in right now?”

You reply.

“It’s long...Only halfway? So, when exactly is the classical part? I’m starting to itch to go home.”

You tell him that the musician has to speak first.

“A speech by the artist? (2)”

You explain.

“Ah, you’re referring to him talking right now? The recital comes after this, right? In that case, I’ll listen just a little longer.”

The artist talks to the crowd.

“Haah? That guy’s telling us to hold hands or something?”

You nod.

“Ah, right. I guess the whole crowd consists of couples, huh? They’re trying to appeal to the audience like that? What a drag.”

You offer your hand.

“We don’t have to follow his orders, do we? ...Or do you want to hold my hand, perhaps? In that case, I’ll offer you one. Why not do as you please?”

You hesitate.

“Why are you hesitating? Ah. You don’t want to? In that case, I don’t mind either.”

You shake your head, begging to hold his hand.

“Haha, you’re way too desperate. You’re such a cheap woman too, getting all happy over something like this. However, I’m well aware that those innocent reactions of yours are just for show. There’s no way something this childish would be able to satisfy you, right? So you don’t mind if I run my fingers across yours like this, do you?”

*Rustle*

You flinch.

“Does it tickle? Or did you feel it just now? You’re as sensitive as ever. You’re so lewd to feel good over something like this.”

You protest.

“Hm? What was that? I can’t hear you over all the other noise. You’ll have to come closer to tell me. Bring your lips towards my ear.”

You repeat yourself.

“Hmm~? You want me to stop? But the artist told us to do this, so I won’t stop.”

You ask if he is mad at you.

“Haah...? I’m not upset or anything. Well, I might be a little agitated by this ruckus and ridiculous crowd. I’d love to suck your blood right now just to distract myself but...”

You flinch.

“...I’ll keep that for after we’re back home. Right now, I’ll enjoy watching you struggle instead. You can use this as an opportunity to anticipate my fangs. Your blood tastes so much richer and sweeter after you’ve been teased after all.”

You puff out your cheeks.

“...Hm? He wants us to face each other next.”

You turn to the side.

“Oi. Don’t turn your head away. What’s the point in getting embarrassed still? Look my way.”

You refuse.

“Heeh...You’re stubborn, huh? Come on, look at me, I said.”

*Rustle*

“...Don’t waste your energy resisting when you’ve looked at my face a million times already. It’s a pain to keep on having to force you to turn your head. Also scoot a little closer. Don’t move away from me.”

Shuu pulls you close.

*Rustle rustle*

“Haha...You’re restless. Are you having a hard time relaxing when I’ve got my arms looped around your waist? Don’t be playing innocent, I usually do things much more intense to you. Both your body and soul already belong to me, don’t they? If this much is enough to make you throw in the towel, you might not be able to keep up with me in the future, you know? Well, I wouldn’t mind if you were to break or go crazy though. I will stay by your side, no matter what happens to you.”

They get the next instructions from the artist.

“...Hah. Did you hear that?”

Your cheeks turn bright red.

“He wants us to kiss while looking at one another. We have to listen to him, no? So you should initiate the kiss.”

Your eyes widen in shock.

“What? Don’t tell me you can’t?”

You tell him it’s embarrassing.

“Heeh...You find it embarrassing in front of other people, huh? I’ll let you off the hook then.”

You seem somewhat disappointed.

“What? You don’t want to, no? If you’re not up for it, I guess I have no other choice.”

You frown.

“The next song’s about to start. Guess we should turn back to the stage and find ourselves a spot.”

The music begins to play.

“...What?”

You ask for permission to kiss him.

“Haha...You should have just said so earlier. Lift your face then. ...I’ll tuck your hair behind your ear so it’s easier.”

*Rustle*

“...You’re hot. Not just your ears, your whole body feels feverish.”

Shuu steps closer.

“I’m leaning in, so you can reach, right? Wouldn’t it be better to cup both sides of my face with your hands so you can do it properly?”

You cup his cheeks.

“Hahaha...You’re actually gonna do it? Your hands are shaking though. Bring your face closer to mine. ...Exactly, just a little further. A little more...”

*Smooch*

“Heh. I was expecting this, but you actually went for my cheek after getting that flustered? Okay then. I’ll teach you. Not only it is dim in here, but there’s a flashy concert going on. I doubt anyone will take notice of us.”

He pulls you close.

*Rustle*

“I’ll use the remaining time to teach you thoroughly. Although I’m not sure if just kisses will actually be enough to satisfy you.”

You become even more flustered.

“Didn’t I tell you? The more I tease you, the more delicious you become...I’ll give it to you plenty once we’re back. Both kisses, and my fangs...”

ーー THE END ーー

Translation notes

(1) I think he says ショー気分ライブ or ‘show-kibun live’ here, which literally means ‘a live concert with the feeling/vibes of a show’. I was not quite sure how to accurately translate this to English. xD I guess it means one of those really upbeat concerts where everyone is screaming and waving those light sticks in the air.

(2) Te word トーク or ‘talk’, derived from English, is used in Japanese to refer to an artist talking on stage in between performing different songs.

#diabolik lovers #dialovers #shuu sakamaki #diabolik lovers translation #diabolik lovers drama cd #drama cd

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likethecities · 3 years

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In “Defense” of Bo-Katan in Mandalorian S2

(or, why Bo’s refusal to accept Boba as Mandalorian in 2x08, after Din did accept it in 2x06, is internally consistent with her character and view of Mandalore, and is not only because she’s a self-serving ass*)

*(although she is both of those things)

NOTE: This is a discussion of why her view of Boba is logical for her character and where I hope/think it will go in S3 and the concept of “Mandalorian”. It is NOT an endorsement for her behavior.

This is ONLY based in current, Disney canon, not Legends. In Legends, Jango was the leader of Mandalore for several years if not decades. However! that line conflicts with TCW. So we’re using the old rule of “if it conflicts, current canon wins” and tossing it out. If it gets recanonized, we can come back to it.

Okay first! Let’s break down the major Mandalorian characters/factions in the Mandalorian.

Din Djarin/Children of the Watch

Bo-Katan Kryze/Nite Owls

Boba and Jango Fett

What do they have in common? All three groups place a lot of practical and symbolic/ancestral value on their beskar armor. Bo and Din also place a lot of importance on the value of the Way, although with different interpretations. Lastly, Bo specifically cares about Mandalore as a place. Unsurprisingly, they all have different interpretations of what it means to be Mandalorian.

Let’s start with Din and the Children of the Watch (CotW). Here’s what we know about their definition of Mandalorian:

high cultural and symbolic value on Mandalorian armor

foundlings/non-Mandalorian children can be raised Mandalorian

very strict interpretation of the Way/Creed

non-Mandalorians cannot wear Mandalorian armor

As a final note, they don’t appear to have much actual beskar. Most of their armor, though forged in Mandalorian style, isn’t made of beskar, but other metals instead. It’s a big deal when Din rolls up with enough beskar to forge a whole suit; that kind of windfall doesn’t just happen.

So when S2 rolls around and Din runs into people wearing Mandalorian armor who don’t follow the Way as he knows it, he assumes they aren’t Mandalorian, with the following results:

Cobb (2x01): admits to not being Mandalorian when Din challenges him, offers to return armor to Din (standing in as a representative of all Mandalorians) once Din helps him. Din agrees, helps, and then leaves with the armor.

Bo-Katan/Nite Owls (2x03): claim a different interpretation of the Way, declare ownership over their armor through family heritage. Din recognizes their claim.

Boba (2x06): identifies himself as the rightful owner of the armor, refuses to claim clan ties or the Creed. Din (eventually) recognizes his claim.

Once Din has accepted that other Mandalorians don’t have the same interpretation of the Way that he does, he’s willing to accept proof of ownership as enough. Likely, this is because the CotW don’t have much beskar, and so they recognize prior claims much more strictly. For Din, at least, owning the beskar is enough to drop the argument about being Mandalorian or not. Now let’s move to Bo and her supporters. Here’s what we know about them:

high cultural and symbolic value on Mandalorian armor: status symbol, but not required by all members

looser interpretation of the Way

high value on clan/community membership, or connection to Mandalore as a planet

non-Mandalorians cannot (or at least shouldn’t) wear Mandalorian armor

We know from SW Rebels and TCW that Bo, her followers, and most of the Mandalore-based people that you do not have to wear armor to be Mandalorian. Sabine’s father is an artist and is never seen fighting or wearing armor, but no one questions that he’s Mandalorian. The armor and Creed alone aren’t a requirement.

How else do we know this? Because Bo spent several seasons backing Pre Viszla and the darksaber for the Mandalorian throne, but when Viszla lost the darksaber - and his head - to Maul, Bo objected. Maul wasn’t Mandalorian; he didn’t care about the place, the community, the culture, or the Way. So Bo turned to Satine, the leader that she had just deposed, as a more “Mandalorian” challenger. Satine still has her House Kryze ties and close attachment to Mandalore as a place; that was enough to make her Mandalorian and a better choice than Maul, even though she’d nearly completely broken with old Mandalorian ways.

(And, we should note, that some Mandalorians did switch their allegiance to Maul after this, because they recognized the right of the darksaber over any community or clan ties. They’re also still Mandalorian.)

So when Bo and her team meet Din, they recognize Din as Mandalorian. He’s part of a Mandalorian offshoot sect: that’s his clan/community. They think his rules are weird and antiquated*, but they recognize them as related to the Way as they know it.

*yes, Bo is a jerk about this, because Bo is a jerk about a lot of things. She does accept it, though, which is the important part for this discussion.

Okay, now let’s turn to Boba.

Boba never explicitly claims to be Mandalorian, with Din in 2x06 or in the bar 2x08. He says that Jango was a Mandalorian foundling, but despite Din giving him multiple opportunities to claim to be Mandalorian, Boba rebuffs every single one. He doesn’t have any clan or community ties, and he doesn’t care about the planet; he’s actively derisive about Bo’s goal to retake it. He doesn’t appear to follow any parts of the Way. Frankly, Boba doesn’t seem to even want to be Mandalorian, he just puts up with being associated with them because of the armor. He certainly doesn’t care who considers themselves Mandalorian or why. The only things that Boba cares about are that a) his ownership of his armor is acknowledged, and b) he’s recognized as Jango Fett’s son. That’s it.

Again, for Din, that’s enough. Boba can prove that the armor is his and he can prove that Jango obtained it properly (ie, as a Mandalorian foundling). Conflict solved, everyone move on.

For Bo and her followers, that’s not enough. The armor isn’t the sole thing that marks you as Mandalorian, and Boba (and Jango after becoming a bounty hunter, apparently for much of his adult life) has none of the clan/community ties that are part of her definition and no attachment to the planet or culture of Mandalore. Ergo, he’s not Mandalorian, and rightfully-obtained armor or not, him wearing it is against their culture. And yes, Bo is being racist (something -ist, at least) when she calls Jango his “donor”, but she also has a point. There are millions of Jango Fett clones in the galaxy, and none of them were raised in Mandalorian culture or have any connection to Mandalore except DNA. Rewatching the bar scene, she doesn’t seem to have any idea who Boba is until she recognizes his voice and identifies him as a clone. Why should he or any clone deserve to wear Mandalorian armor, especially when they don’t participate in Mandalorian culture?

(the answer, obviously, is because Jango raised Boba as his son and heir and chose to pass down his armor/ship accordingly. But Bo has no reason to know this and she wouldn’t consider him Mandalorian either way, so there’s no point in Boba proving his ownership even if he cared enough about her opinion to bother.)

This also ties into the problem of the darksaber. Gideon isn’t Mandalorian, and it seems likely he obtained the sword when the Imperial Remant “glassed” the planet, so he’s not recognized as ruler of Mandalore even when he holds the darksaber. Din

Mandalorian, and he won it in combat. That’s an undeniable claim. He’s also worked with Bo multiple times, it’s not his fault that Gideon outplayed both of them, and he’s very, very good in a fight. Bo really wants that weapon to shore up her claim, but she also knows it’s not very honorable to attack an ally who didn’t ask for this, and she probably doesn’t want to risk the possibility that she might lose. She’s in a bind.

Similarly, Din really doesn’t want the darksaber or the responsibilities that go with it, but he can’t just hand it over because that’s against the Creed. Sabine did, but she never “won” the darksaber; she just picked it up out of Maul’s garbage cave, which was vague enough for everyone to accept her passing it up. (She was also probably 17 or 18 at the time and was considered a traitor by most Mandalorians, which probably helped). But Din is also very honorable; if he can’t find a way to pass the saber off, he’ll probably feel obligated to fulfill the requirements to the best of his abilities until he either does find someone else to take them or accepts them permanently (kinda like Grogu himself HMMMMMM). We already know that Din is fairly good at diplomacy from 2x01, but he’s never worked with Mandalorians outside of his clan before, so he’s got a steep learning curve.

So my guess: S3 is going to be about reuniting the disparate Mandalorian groups, all of whom have different versions of what it means to be Mandalorian, and finding some common ground. They will either attempt to retake Mandalore or find somewhere else to make a homeland, or possibly make the decision to stay dispersed. If Bo stays as a major character, we might see her trying to recruit Din into her clan to influence him; if not, she might slink off and wait to see how he does.

Something that could be cool? Din putting a lot of effort into trying to connect with other Mandalorians and Bo admitting that he’s actually doing a pretty good job, even if she wanted to do it herself! #growth for both of them. Meanwhile Boba, who again appears to not give two shits about any of this, will probably be chilling on Tatooine, maybe throwing some info or weapons Din’s way if he thinks Din actually has a shot at something. Or ignoring all of them and taking over the Hutt empire instead, who knows.

Either way, I hope we get more discussion of what happened to Mandalore, Mandalorian identity, and Mandalorian politics in S3.

#the mandalorian #the mandalorian spoilers #din djarin #bo katan kryze #boba fett #jango fett #children of the watch #nite owls #mandalore #mandalorians #meta #darksaber #star wars

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thedreadvampy · 3 years

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Ok please if you don’t mind saying - who is Stuart semple and what did he do? I’m so confused. Like I recognise the name and I think he might the an artist or something but I have no idea

He is indeed an artist! He’s a English multidisciplinary fine artist best known for his ongoing beef with English sculptor Anish Kapoor over the 2016 exclusive licensing on the process to make Vantablack colour coating, which meant Kapoor was the only artist allowed to use it. Then Stuart Semple made Pinkest Pink pigment and said it was available to everyone but Anish Kapoor, and there was a big blowup which there’s a lot of documentation of - it was very memed.

Since then, Semple has made a bunch more pigments, most of them with the available-to-everyone-but-Anish-Kapoor disclaimer, and the beef periodically flares up, although I will say as time goes on it seems to me to have got increasingly one-sided given that Kapoor has pretty much wandered off.

(I’ve used several of his colours, btw. Pinkest Pink is pretty good. Blackest Black, his attempt to make the blackest possible paint (as opposed to Vantablack which is a nanofibre coating) I was pretty disappointed in, I’ve honestly had better light capture from mid-range art shop paints. His other pigments vary in quality - some I really liked, some I was meh on, but I think Blackest Black is the only one I was actively unimpressed by)

Anyway. Where I come in is much less exciting.

A few months ago I reblogged a post on Tumblr asking about Semple from a discourse tag (my reblog did not tag or @ anyone), and I made a glib comment where I said (very truthfully) that while I thought he was pretty decent at pigments, both his paintings and his online persona came across pretty adolescent to me.

so it turns out Stuart Semple is an inveterate name searcher (hi Stuart if you’re reading this!)

(Side note: I actually should have guessed this from 2019 Twitter when he saw and commented on an untagged thread I wrote about him and Kapoor’s beef (which was because I’d seen an article in which Kapoor, a British-Asian man, said that the racist Prevent strategy was liable to drive young British-Asian men into the arms of terrorist groups by making it clear their country hates them reblogged on Semple’s account with a caption claiming Anish Kapoor was pro-terrorism, which, while tongue-in-cheek, isn’t a neutral statement for a white person to make about an Asian person and was a pretty phenomenally bad-faith reading of Kapoor’s actual words) and in my thread I pretty much said that when the story had broken, I, like everybody else, had found it very funny and been firmly on side with Semple’s bit, but I felt that a) after a couple of years it really wasn’t very relevant any more and it had started to feel less like Fighting The Power and more like bullying the amount of Semple’s web presence was devoted to talking about Anish Kapoor; b) that it was a shame that Anish Kapoor was increasingly only known as The Vantablack Guy given that I really like a lot of his work and c) that continuing to frame a Jewish person of colour as the Face of the Artistic Elite was a bit weird given how overwhelmingly white the high-end art world is. but I digress. Semple responded to that thread, I don’t really remember what he said, it wasn’t an acrimonious response but it was a bit Oh I Didn’t Do Anything To Tag You?)

so anyway he found my reblog and commented saying ehhh I don’t remember, something along the lines of not feeling like I was being very kind and that he was trying his best. also I think he said I had accused him of being racist? which again the actual Tumblr post literally just said I thought his art and persona came across as juvenile and I think in the tags? I mentioned that I thought it was time for him to step off the Kapoor beef.

then he screencapped my post, including my profile picture and username, and posted it on all his socials with a kind of :( people are so mean on Tumblr :( caption and um

idk if you know this about Being A Public Persona With Tens Of Thousands of Followers but. if you post someone’s identity and say ‘I do not like what this person is doing’ it. can get messy fast.

uh I don’t follow Stuart Semple (see the original post I made) but he commented to make sure I knew he’d posted my post on Instagram and “all my followers like your wig :)” which. according to my partner who did go and look at the time, the Instagram comments were largely about how I was an ugly non-passing trans woman aka “man in a wig” which. throw the whole suitcase out. There were a good few days where I got a lot of angry anons, ranging from ‘stop bullying Stuart Semple!!!!!’ to ‘die in a ditch graphically’ to ‘how can you claim to have opinions on art when You Are On Tumblr’ (I have been a freelance illustrator for 7 years and I have a Masters in art and design) to ‘your art sucks and you’re fat and ugly’ and my personal favourite ‘how can u be cis and use she/her pronouns you dumb snowflake’

(within that furore was a whole branch where someone was like ‘sex worker huh bet you’re bad at it’ and I was like ‘yep! that’s why I don’t do it any more! it’s hard work and it involves a lot of self-promotion and customer skills which I don’t like and am not good at!’ and this was a Whole Thing where they kept trying to insult me (much like today’s anon) about my supposed failures as a Slut Who Is Bad At Sex and I kept going like ‘ok but here’s how that just. doesn’t make sense in reference to what sex work actually is so like, ok?’)

and Stuart Semple and I were also having a conversation which, depending on your perspective I would call his attitude either conciliatory or passive-aggressive, there was a lot of ‘me and my followers would never say rude things about you :) keep up the art kiddo :)’ and being charitable I would say he was trying to be nice while being angry, and to avoid escalating (but with the added context I got later about the wig comment, I think that interpretation of his behaviour maybe. has some cracks?) and ultimately he took down the posts, we had a brief conversation about keeping pet reptiles (apparently he has a lizard) and we left it on, if not good terms, at least peaceable ones.

however I still periodically get messages about it from angry Semple stans. and I’m not sure the argument was resolved, in that I still very much think it’s fair to make criticism, including quite harsh criticism (which I’m not sure ‘adolescent’ is), on art which is put out for public display and enjoyment, and that it isn’t a personal attack to post a criticism of someone’s public-facing work and statements on social media unless you actively target it towards them (for example, @ ing them), and Semple still thinks there’s no difference between a random blog with under a thousand followers criticising a public figure’s work and a public figure with 100k followers on most platforms criticising that blog (out of context - he clipped out the post I was reblogging from and my explanatory tags, and looking at my blog you may notice that 90% of my nuance is in the tags) while giving his followers all the information to find said blog.

(also as multiple people have remarked. if you want to say it’s an unfair criticism to call your online presence immature, being a middle-aged artist who as far as I can tell has a net worth over a million who spends your time name searching yourself in order to get mad at untagged mild criticism from strangers on the internet and share it on all your socials for your followers to join you in Being Big Mad is uhhhhhhh. it uh. it’s not like. not super thin-skinned and immature)

(also also I just googled his net worth and unsurprisingly I can’t find a source on it I’d consider reliable, but I did find multiple articles about him getting in trouble for breach of contract and nonpayment for gallery employees, including two accusations of him writing a big defensive blog post then changing it after a few hours to a very short post saying I LOVE YOU so like idk how true that is but it does seem. consistent with the above interactions.)

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starf · 2 years

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StarF's Top Ten Albums of 2021

IT'S TIME LET'S GOOO!!!

10. bbno$ - eat ya veggies

I'm not going to lie, I struggled hard with the #10 spot on this list. There were a ton of great albums in 2021 and narrowing down what wasn't going to make it on the list was tough. In fact up until just a couple days ago the number 10 spot was reserved for Greatest Hits by Waterparks, another cool album and their best release in awhile. All of this is sort of my way of cheating my own system and giving that Waterparks album the unofficial 11th spot on the list.

However, I realized that even now deep into January of 2022 that I'm still consistently listening to eat ya veggies and just having so much fun! This album definitely comes out swinging harder in the first half than the second, but it's still a fun ride the entire way through. And what I can only assume is a formula based on streaming and TikTok trends sees every song but one coming in at under three minutes, which means if you don't like a jam it'll be over soon.

In fact that may be my only real gripe with the album, because when I do like a song (such as the absolute banger that is "edamame") I wish it went on for a little longer. Obviously the entire point is to loop it faster to get more streams, but damn dude.

9. You, Me, And Everyone We Know - Something Heavy

I discovered the band You, Me, And Everyone We Know in 2015, which made their breakup in 2016 pretty tough to handle. I got in on what I thought was their final release (the Dogged EP) and fell in love with the back catalog. I even drove to Chicago to see their final show, which was an absolute blast.

So imagine my surprise and excitement when out of nowhere they dropped a new single and announced that they were releasing a new album. Something Heavy delivers a cautious optimism painted in the signature sound I've come to expect from this band. I wish there were more eyes, or ears as it were, on this band because they seem to be very underrated from what I can tell.

8. Timbuktu - It's Alright In The Daylight

Hey speaking of artists who sort of just came back out of nowhere, I've been a big fan of Timbuktu's album Stranger Danger for like a decade now. There was another album in 2014 that for whatever reason didn't really capture my attention in quite the same way, and then nothing for awhile. In 2020 Tim dropped Million Pound Note, which I enjoyed quite a bit but still didn't top my list. Given the pattern I expected it would be quite a wait until we saw another Timbuktu album again. But surprise! A year later another offering hot off the press, and this one is killer front to back.

It's Alright In The Daylight manages to recapture the energy and vibe that got me hooked on Stranger Danger back in the day. I don't know exactly what it is or how to explain it, but in my opinion it's his best album since then. If you're looking for some good chilled out hip hop then look no further than this album.

7. Fishboy - Waitsgiving

Oh boy, another storybook from none other than Fishboy! If you've read my lists before you'll no doubt be familiar with Fishboy, and my affinity for his album Art Guards. This new offering takes a similar approach in format, each song following a specific character as the album weaves together a narrative to follow.

While this particular story didn't captivate me in quite the same way that Art Guards does, it's still a wonderful addition to the catalog, and a fun journey to listen to. The pianos are bouncy, the guitars are jaunty, the tunes are catchy, and perhaps most of all it's nice to listen to music that's just not based in reality. If you still haven't given Fishboy a chance, this would be a fine place to start!

6. Marc With A C - low fidelity (or "how i spent the nervous breakdown")

While we all may be turbofucked, ttist and (full disclosure) someone I am delighted to be able to call my friend. Friends aside, that has no influence on where or why this album is on this list. It's here because it's a damn fine album. Throughout his discography up to this point I would say there are sort of two sides to Marc's music, a lot of the earlier albums which are mostly striped down jams based around an acoustic guitar, filling out more and more around Motherfuckers Be Bullshittin'. Low Fidelity is a massive (by today's standards) album that combines both avenues of Marc's music into a reflection of this world.

While we all may be turbofucked, at least we can go down with the ship listening to some good music. One of my favorite additions to this album that haven't been prevalent in previous Marc With A C albums is the addition of instrumental pieces such as Sleepwriting and Not Sure Exactly Where... that are gorgeous and give the album a good sense of pacing. This album serves as the final act of "Phase I" of Marc With A C, and it's a great finale to go out on. I'm excited to see where we go from here!

5. Telethon - Swim Out Past The Breakers

More nepotism?! No! I just have a lot of really cool friends who make incredible music! Telethon, who stunned me solid in 2017 with their album The Great Spontanean and kept the hype train moving in 2019 with Hard Pop have returned once again with a great offering in Swim Out Past The Breakers.

Having solidified their sound as the aforementioned hard pop, this album continues seeing them do what they do best: writing jams that are as catchy and infectious as they are dense and packed with feeling. Come for the fun tunes, and stay for the lyrics that will have you looking back on your life asking "why am I like this?," but, you know, in a good way.

4. The Death Set - How To Tune A Parrot

The Death Set released what I consider to be a perfect album back in 2011 called Michel Poiccard. Then they seemingly disappeared off the face of the Earth. A full decade later they re-emerged and didn't miss a step at all. Sounding fresh of the heels of their 2011 album, How To Tune A Parrot is still as fresh, electric, and vital as ever. I don't really have much else to say about this except you absolutely must give it a chance, because it is a wild ride.

3. Rare Americans - RA2

Rare Americans is a band I discovered in late 2020, and luckily I didn't have to wait too long to get the experience of listening to a new album from them! Actually I got that experience twice last year because they release both RA2 and RA3 within the year. The latter, also titled Jamesy Boy & The Screw Loose Zoo was literally also good enough to be on this top ten list. In fact in my first iteration of the list I had both albums on it. Ultimately though I decided to just give it up for what I think is the more solid of the albums and leave RA3 off (but you should absolutely listen to both).

Rare Americans combines so many elements that speak to me. Musically they combine hip hop and rock music in a way that is not, I repeat, not the "rap-rock" you might associate those words with. Combining these vocal elements with all sorts of fun musical styles, instruments, and sound effects, they weave narrative tales with colorful characters, and throughout all of this make each song unique and infectious along the way. There was definitely a portion of time early in the year before this album came out that I had the song Hullabaloo on repeat for weeks. Give it a listen, and if you like what you hear make sure you watch the music videos as well!

2. Aesop Rock x Blockhead - Garbology

Aesop Rock is somehow as prolific as he is talented, releasing album after album year after year without ever missing. Sure, some may be weaker than others, but overall they're never bad. I surely need to learn to stop doubting that a new Aes project won't live up to the hype in my head, because every time a new album is announced I think "another one? already?! it has to be too much!" but it never is!

Garbology is my favorite Aes project since 2019's Malibu Ken, which in Aes years feels like a lifetime ago. Taking up a loose concept around garbage and the theory of garbology (the study of a culture by examining its waste), Aesop Rock digs into the dumpster fire that is our own society and returns with a collection of insights and gems laid over thick and enchanting Blockhead beats. It's grimy, it's dirty, but what else would you expect?

1. Cheekface - Emphatically No.

The first time I heard a Cheekface song randomly come up on a Spotify playlist I knew I loved it. That said, I didn't expect to be quite as taken with their album as I was. Emphatically No. is so immediately accessible and entertaining. Almost every day a random song from this album, or its b-sides (titled Emphatically Mo. which also appeared on my favorite EPs list) pops into my head. I don't know how to explain what they've done hear, but they've perfected their own formula to a degree that their band name should probably just be Earworm.

Speaking of band names, I hate having to tell people to listen to Cheekface. I think it's a bad name, and yet here we are, and I'm telling you emphatically yes that you should listen to this album. It may not be for everybody, but for the people that it is for it'll be a heavy hitter very fast. Combining often sarcastic or sardonic lyrics, the deadpan delivery of verses is expertly transitioned into catchy hooks that will have you singing along by the second chorus on your first listen.

This album is fun, it's insightful, it's cynical yet optimistic. And overall it's just a good time. I am shocked that in all of the top lists for 2021 I've seen so far I haven't seen anyone talking about this album at all, because for me it was probably the thing I listened to most over the year.

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closer-stars · 3 years

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Fall of the Kingdom

Member: Hongjoong Word Count: 4.4k (mmmm) Genre: it’s just... Dark... and drama. Content: Demon Hongjoong’s got a war but he needs to feed on humans first. Mentions of explosions, violence, blood, suicide ideation (only brushed upon, nothing in detail i promise). Note: This idea came to me after seeing rocker hongjoong and that Iconic dark smile he does. Also this was technically done in one go cause I was Feeling the Inspiration so forgive me if it’s messy. Also this was just an Excuse for me to indulge in an interest of mine. Taglist: @barsformars @miniyeo @hwaberrykiwi @jwyfldr @fvae @yeotlny @inkigayeo

“I’ve become so numb, can’t feel you there.

I’ve become so tired, so much more aware.”

There was something about this new song that made you feel breathless, as if all the frustration and pent up anger has been sucked out of you. Just like the song, you feel a little numb. It was a good thing you were sitting down too, you could barely feel your own legs after that song. If there was a song to describe what your life has made you feel, it would be this song. There were days where you didn’t feel real, if you were still capable of feeling emotions, if you can still reach the expectations of people put onto you.

Silence passes over your earphones and that’s when you realize that the song had ended, loading the next video. You quickly stopped autoplay and had the video play again. This time you had to get yourself to watch the music video. The vocals alone had put you through an array of emotions you didn’t think you could still feel. You weren’t ready for what the video was about to give you. His smile was alluring as if promising you that you are something. His gaze reminding the viewers of strength innate in them even after years of mistreatment from life. To have an artist properly encapsulate all the emotions in you just had you hooked. You wanted more.

No.

You need more.

‘By. Hongjoong.’

You’ve never heard of this artist before. Is he new to the music scene? There’s next to nothing about this Hongjoong online. Just this song on what you assume is his YouTube channel. Just a few thousand views for now. There are a few comments, praising him for his music and his looks (you had to admit, he does look quite attractive.) but not much for you to go about. For now, you drop a like and subscribed to the guy’s channel.

Within the next few days, the views rose to the millions. Comments in various languages were pouring in, all of which seemed to be praise. The comment section has become a forum, people asking others about him. Even you were reading comments hoping for more information. The only sign that he was a real entity behind the screen was the description on his video.

It wasn’t there when you first viewed the music video.

“Hello there. I am Kim Hongjoong. This is my first single, Numb. Please look forward to my future releases!”

He stayed true to his word. Over the past few months, his following has grown. He doesn’t have any other social media account except his Youtube and Instagram (that was only opened recently). While there was a distance between him and his fans in terms of interactions, his music made up for it. His music much like his first single, stayed consistent for being for an audience who have been ignored by life, who struggle for a break. Say My Name, his second single reached a million views within two days. Much like the title, more and more people are talking about him. His music is played in shops and restaurants. It’s hitting the top of the charts and staying there for weeks. He never leaves the Top 10 at least.

People assumed he was going to be a one hit wonder, a lot of independent artists are. But he’s proven them wrong, not through posts on Instagram but through consistently dropping song after song. Songs that remain stuck in your head for weeks to come until he drops another one. The new one being better than the former. He was only getting started. The media and general public have called him a digital monster. Yet, despite all the songs he’s released, no one knows who he really is. Any interview he’s done with the media only scratches the surface of his musical process and his personality. There’s more to him, you’re sure but you just couldn’t place what that ‘more’ is.

People were already commenting on his social media and making posts begging for him to do a concert, or any sort of live performance. Surely his music would sound much better in real life?

On the other hand, there were those who weren’t into his style. They assume and point fingers at him for being someone who associated themselves with the Anti-Christ due to his heavy imagery and music. It’s an age old argument with no solid proof to back it up. Any tongue that speaks against Hongjoong’s music was quickly dealt with by his fans. Though you didn’t like the way they dealt with the opposing views, they had it coming.

After Horizon’s release, he dropped another video. Not a music video, but it seems like him talking to the camera.

“Hello everyone. This is Kim Hongjoong.”

You didn’t think he would speak in such a soft tone. He was dressed head to toe in black, very reminiscent and consistent with his music style, not that you expected anything different. It just seems to fall in line with who he is from what you’ve seen.

“To everyone’s delight, I will be doing a countrywide tour within the next few months. The dates, venues and where to buy are in the description down below. I hope to see you there.” He doesn’t say anything else, but the corners of his lips curve, a charming smile, very much unlike the dark heavy gazes and grins he dons in his music videos.

The video announcement quickly gains views and comments. Foreign fans weeping for an opportunity they can’t experience, begging him to visit them too. Local fans were celebrating in the comments, excited to hear his other hits, especially his debut song, Numb.

To your delight, he’s doing a show near your area. You had to see this guy in the flesh. What better way to deal with your frustrations than with live music? There’s something about his music and him that gives you such an emotional high and that was from just the screen, what more if it were live? You immediately got yourself a ticket, before it got sold out.

Two months before D-day.

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Hongjoong has been monitoring the numbers and interactions done on his posts. It’s easy to see how delighted he is. Even with next to no information about him, he managed to garner a loyal following not only here but internationally as well.

Here’s the thing with this Kim Hongjoong. He’s not human. Not in the fandom praise for his superb skills in music making, no, he’s not from the human realm. Instead, he’s a demon. A demon that feeds on the frustrations of humans. Those wronged by life and society were the most susceptible to his charms. Every night, he walks through the streets, unrecognized by the public. ‘How stupid.’ He thinks as they pass by him without batting an eyelash. He can smell the catharsis of those who listen to his creations. It’s only then that he can point out those who carry bitterness in their hearts, otherwise he waits.

He feels himself get stronger with each passing day. Soon, he’ll be able to show why he’s one of the Greater Princes of Hell. Lesser demons and humans as his soldiers? How delightful would it be to have the damned souls work for him. Surely it would make Wooyoung jealous but he delights in his jealousy.

Was he worried that he won’t get as strong as he wants to? Not at all. Nothing to be worried about when the numbers show just how much people have become an avid follower of his regardless of distance.

Now one might wonder why he does this. What else other than to prove to the beings above him that the ones that call the shots with humans are beings like him? The fearful physique and near perfect mentality of the angels are what pushes people away from believing in redemption. Meanwhile him? He and his fellow demons look like anyone else, save for the striking eye colors and sharper than usual teeth. It’s easy to creep on humans when they deem you as one of them.

He’s careful though, making sure no one recognizes him by his voice when he’s out with the humans. The glamour of being “mysterious” does more than what his peers expected. With the concerts coming up, it makes it easier for him and his fellow demons to find potential hosts to continue their work.

He’s not foolish.

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It’s D-Day and you made sure you looked decent for a long night. In the months that led to this fateful day, you’ve made friends with those who were also fans of Hongjoong. A lot of them were chaotic, but it was something you’ve come to accept. There were always going to be fans that would start a fight for the sake of their favorite artist. While you weren’t one of them, you weren’t one to stop them either should they start fighting someone. Who are you to tell them what to do when you blind yourself at the face of violence.

The lights dim, thick smoke pour from the sides and Hongjoong enters the stage much to the roaring of the fans. They chant his name over and over. It almost feels like a prayer with how fervent they are.

His cocky grin graces his features, with a wave of his hand, the cheering grows louder. It’s loud enough to make the venue feel hot and sticky from the energy.

This is what he wanted.

“Hello everyone! I hope all of you are prepared for the best night of your lives.” He coos into the mic. You could already hear a few women shrieking for his attention to which he gives.

The show stars and entire venue feels like it’s shaking from the constant jumping from the crowd. For a split second, you were a little scared of how the ceiling might cave in from the collective jumping. The chants from the fans are reaching a feverish high. The volume and emotion behind the voices of people who seem to have suffered the same life as you: mistreated, ignored, kicked to the side. All of them want to be heard, to feel as if someone understands.

Hongjoong does. Just not in the way they expected.

Somewhere through the show, you lose sight of your friends. All of them have managed to reach near the barricade, hoping to get a fleeting touch of his hand. As if his touch would be the solution to all their problems. Hongjoong stays near the edge of the stage but never does he go near the crowd, much to their desire to be closer to him.

‘Fools.’ The thought is hidden behind a dark smirk. Some on the side have decided to argue, saying that his smirk was for them and not the other.

Everything feels suffocating; the smoke from the smoke machine, along with the pulsating bodies as if moving as one around you. You feel lightheaded, overwhelmed but heavens be damned because at the same time, you feel so alive. It feels like the crowd is moving as one to Hongjoong’s voice. Despite the suffocation, everything feels so right.

The safety is short lived. To the side, you see a fight breaking out between two guys. You couldn’t clearly see what’s going on but you could tell that punches were being thrown from either side. It’s gotten to the point where the bouncers had to kick them out of the venue, the crowd filling in on the gaps of where the two once were. The show carries on, but you opt to stick to the back to stay out of the still brimming chaos within the crowd.

He’s not fazed by the violence the erupts in the crowd. He lives for it actually. It’s what he wanted to happen. All the emotions concentrated in one room, nothing could beat this feeling. Not even a seat in Heaven could replace the feeling of pleasure he receives from his followers.

The show ends with his debut song Numb. You never left your spot near the exit, you can only imagine the chaos if you left with the crowd of people once the show ends. He blows a few kisses to the crowd, bidding them goodbye and that he’ll see them soon. Whenever that might be.

You leave the premises when he leaves the stage. Time to avoid the crowds.

He stays inside the venue, taking in all the emotions and catharsis as much as possible. It’s the aftermath that always tastes the best. The dazed feeling of his followers as their emotions crash from such a high cathartic moment. The surplus of violent catharsis momentarily has his eyes turn white. It’s rather difficult to keep the human facade when you feel the power surge through your body. Unfortunately, keeping the facade of a human while taking what you need in order to become stronger makes it much more difficult. Such a prison can only take so much.

After all, should the people hold onto their bitterness, it can only give way to violence.

A fellow Greater Demon, a being who named himself Jongho for the sake of normalcy, somehow eyes the still lingering crowd with interest. “You’ve outdone yourself once more. The last you did this was centuries ago wasn’t it?” He can still taste the left over frustrations, such shall be left with the people. Give them some time and that small seed becomes something bigger especially with what Hongjoong still has up his sleeve. The last time Hongjoong had tried to look for a host, disaster struck the nation and forced him into hiding until recently. “What are you going to do with the left overs?”

“That’s right. I failed to find a potential host back then. The potential hosts I wanted just disintegrated into ashes.” He mutters. It’s thanks to him the phenomenon of spontaneous human combustion came to light. He straightens himself up, his eyes flashing white as he tries to contain the energy he has absorbed. “As for the leftovers, let the people keep it. Chaos shall ensue with what I have next.”

“Did you find someone now?” The plan Hongjoong has doesn’t matter to Jongho. What matters is that Hongjoong finds a potential host. That won’t suffer the same fate as those in the past.

He remembers you, clearly staying towards the back, always turning a blind eye to the violence that was around you and he grins.

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The cool air outside the venue was a needed break from everything. It’s only then that you realize how hungry and exhausted you are. Truth be told, after that concert, you could probably sleep for a week with how physically and emotionally exhausted you are.

But first things first. You need to eat.

You find yourself in a fast food restaurant. It was the only thing you could stomach after such a long day of running around with friends and an emotionally charged concert.

There weren’t much people in the establishment. Only two tables were occupied and they were clearly people who didn’t attend the concert. You sit by the corner, busying yourself with your burger and nuggets. The iced fruit juice could tide over your thirst until you head home.

You look up when you see someone enter the premises. If it weren’t for your quick reflexes, you would’ve dropped your food.

It’s Kim Hongjoong. Only he’s already out of his stage clothes but his makeup still gives him away.

There’s nowhere to hide from his view. Instead, you look down and focus on your meal. You try to eat as fast as you can even at the risk of choking. It’s too much for your poor heart. You who went through adrenaline, frustration, anger, then relief in one day. To be in the same establishment as The Kim Hongjoong was too much for you to keep up with.

“Is this seat taken?”

You look at the feet then look up. You try to hide the fact you could recognize him but from the sound of his chuckle, you failed. You gesture to the seat across you as you try to chew slowly. Kim Hongjoong is in front of you. Surely this is just a dream?

He chuckles softly at how you’re staring at him still. “Yes I’m real.” He says as if reading your mind. He finds your shy nature a little endearing, just what he needs for his plans.

“I thought you would still be in the venue…” You admit softly as you try to eat slowly this time. Surely it would be rude to finish before him now that he had just started eating?

“I never agreed to any meet and greet so I managed to leave the premises early.” He explains. It’s whiplash how soft his mannerisms were compared to his music. “What’s your name? You were in my concert weren’t you?” He asks, gesturing to the neon band wrapped around your wrist.

Before you could deny anything, he catches you red handed. You relent to his wishes and tell him your name. “How could you even see me? I was at the back.” Surely he couldn’t see you through all the blinding lights.

He just shoots you a mischievous wink. “I have my ways, dear.” He leads the conversation for the rest of the time, asking you how you found him, your thoughts about his music, and so on. It felt like you were just talking to an old friend who just made it big. You felt at ease with him.

You look at the time and nearly jump out of your seat. “Crap, it’s late. I have to go..” You admit, dejected at having to cut the conversation short. Hongjoong had other plans though, he stood up, grabbing what’s left of his fries and his iced coffee.

“I can give you a ride home. Where do you live?”

This is too good to be true.

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On the ride home, he asks you about yourself, your life, how you find yourself holding up despite everything. You admit that you have a hard time holding yourself up, even having daydreams of the unspeakable. That mere idea puts a frown on his face. The stoplight turns red and his fingers immediately tip your chin up to make you look at him in the eye. The tip of his thumb brushes against the bottom of your lip and in your shock of how fast he moves, your mouth is left slightly open.

“Don’t.”

There’s something in his tone that tells you to not go against his words. It’s perhaps better to not divulge your daydreams, so you promise that you won’t.

He flashes a warm smile at you just in time for the stoplight to turn green.

You don’t know that he’s already imparted a bit of his essence into you. ‘Humans, how gullible.’

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By the time he drops you outside your apartment complex, you’ve exchanged contact details. Both sides hope to stay in touch as much as possible. “Thank you for the ride! Stay safe on the road!” You say as you jog inside.

The male watches you enter the premises of your complex before driving off. Jongho materializes on the seat you left. “How was it?”

The grin on Hongjoong’s lips tells him everything he needed.

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Time has passed and the two of you have been talking consistently day in and day out. The genuinity of the bond was something that made you feel like life was a little bearable now. Shitty but still bearable thanks to Hongjoong and his music. You’ve admitted to him how your life hasn’t been the best and how his music has been something helping you through.

It’s radio silence by next week. No matter how many messages you send him, you receive no sign of him reading it or a response. You genuinely feared losing someone you considered a friend (and a crush but let’s not talk about that). Did he just ghost you?

The silence stretches into months, and the happiness you felt in the previous weeks have disappeared, morphing into the familiar dread you’re too familiar with by now. You’ve accepted the fact that he may have just ghosted you but the radio silence on his youtube channel tells you there’s more to just the regular ghosting.

“BREAKING: Rock icon, Kim Hongjoong has been deemed missing. More info to come at 5PM.”

Something in your stomach drops and you look around you. Hongjoong had already amassed a large following over the past year. In this room alone, you could assume there were ten fans. All eyes were glued to the tv screen. In the distance you hear a loud explosion and sirens, you get out of your seat immediately, leaving the premises. What the fuck is going on?

By the time you stepped foot outside the restaurant, someone comes barreling towards you. Isn’t this the same guy that caused a fight in his concert? You could recognize steely eyes anywhere, but what was his name? The more important question is, why does he look so bloodied and dirty? Also, what was he running from? The two of you stare at each other for a moment before the police have come chasing after him. You’re left with no option but to give way to his chasers.

It’s better to head home than to stay out any longer at this rate.

“BREAKING: Suspect of the explosion earlier today has been caught along with his accomplices.”

Finally back at home, the news outlets have been trying to keep up with the sudden influx of events. Kim Hongjoong has been missing for five days. The explosion from earlier was made by a Kang Yeosang who is, coincidentally, also a fan of Hongjoong. It’s already known everywhere that a fan of Hongjoong is good enough of a cult member. Now Hongjoong might not have mentioned anything about a better land or the second coming like most cult leaders but with the amassed following he has despite his disappearance, they might as well be a cult.

There’s speculation on social media as to what exactly had happened to Hongjoong but nothing is for certain. Fanbases are trying to find Hongjoong’s whereabouts only to come up empty. Fake accounts are popping up, proclaiming themselves to be Hongjoong, giving false leads to anyone who believes.

Some fans have resorted to violence, hoping to get back the artist that they think genuinely understands them. It’s a warzone online and in real life. You’re seeing posts, unsure if they’re real or not, of fans wishing they were the ones that disappeared instead of Hongjoong. Overwhelmed with everything, you shut off your phone and bury yourself in your bed. His music plays faintly and it’s the only thing that’s holding you to the real world.

Everything else doesn’t feel real.

As each day passes, there’s another case of violence and death. It’s got the city by its neck with how rampant the chaos has been. The only way you’re staying sane through it all is through your detachment to all the violence that runs amok around you.

“BREAKING: a 22 year old man caught dead after pretending to be the missing artist Kim Hongjoong online. More information on the found mass burial site to follow at 6PM”

You’ve busied yourself by searching the internet for other artists, hoping to find someone to fill in the hole Hongjoong has left. None of them do the job the way Hongjoong does it. You try to call his number, hoping for something.

“The number you have dialed is out of use. Please check the number you have dialed and try again.”

Please let this just be a dream.

You had a restless sleep that night, tossing and turning. Your dreams were wrought with Hongjoong’s voice, screaming for your help. His voice surrounds your helpless figure until you stop in your tracks and scream out in pain. You’re jolted awake and you feel your body drenched in sweat and fear. “Hongjoong, where are you?” You plead softly, utterly helpless.

The leads regarding Hongjoong decrease as each day passes and fans and the general public have resigned themselves to the fate that he had died. Some of his fans have gone their own ways, though their chaotic ways have never faltered. You on the other hand, still tried to find traces of him despite not knowing a lot about him.

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On the other side of the city, Hongjoong watches the news from Jongho’s living quarters. He’s delighted to see the stress and fear from regular humans. A little variety from the stress of his followers. It’s a good thing he left some violence behind with his followers, those who have nothing to lose do cause the best havoc. Maybe he should keep that Yeosang guy alive to learn a few more tricks. He doesn’t need to tell his followers what to do. Just disappear at the height of his fame and let them do the work.

He takes a shot of vodka as he continues to watch on. Jongho splayed on the couch, watches as well. “What do you think?”

“Perfect. I think Lucifer would be delighted in this. I can already tell my legions are growing with the amount of deaths.”

“How soon will the war be then?” Jongho’s legions are already waiting for his word. His human body appears to be a lot tankier than expected.

“Give my host three months, their nature is perfect in amassing followers around the globe.”

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You have another dream that night, a familiar voice with that addicting smile. “Hongjoong?” You call out, running wherever his voice is coming from. “Hongjoong where are you?!” You call out again but he doesn’t reply, he only giggles at how strained you are to look for him. While it’s perfect to strike when they least expect it, it’s also just as good to strike when they’re at their weakest.

You somehow manage to find him. He looks a little different now, stronger, and something about him doesn’t feel human. He sits on a throne, painted white with obsidian sprinkled upon the back. He doesn’t seem affected by how distraught and confused you look. In fact, he actually laughs at your face at how pitiful you look. He gives you a set of instructions. All of which point to a war that only heaven and hell can conceive.

“Only then can you find me, my dear. Don’t let me down.”

Your eyes glow white when you wake up. Who are you to deny his wishes?

#my writings #ateez fanfic #lmao this was such a fucking mess #but the brain went BRRRRR #also yes SHC was a thing there are records about it but it's been disproven in science lol #tw violence #tw blood #cw suicide ideation

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