#why dont i ever invest this much energy into my

[the-bonfires-ember]

ok so this has a lot of facets so bear with me. standard disclaimer that this is all based on my personal experiences as a narcissistic sociopath; im not a professional and i dont speak for everyone.

anyway.

firstly, yes we do. i think prosocials/egotypicals do it too to an extent but for different reasons and in different ways.

from an aspd perspective, i get annoyed at people and it is no longer to my benefit to stick around them, ill just disappear in a classic ghosting style. frankly i never get to this point anymore because ive managed to surround myself with people i very rarely if ever find annoying. in the past, when ive befriended people and then theyve frustrated me or ive just generally found them annoying for some reason, ive either slowly extricated myself if i could keep getting stuff out of the person or just totally destroyed the relationship so that they stopped reaching out and i could stop expending energy into dodging them. in my head if someone has pissed me off, it means that its going to keep happening and theyve just finally shown me their true colours so i might as well get out now or detach myself so im not going to emotionally invested enough to get annoyed again in the future. essentially this means i stop caring about them at all. as for how fear factors in; it goes a pretty long way back into people being fundamentally untrustworthy and only beneficial in as much as i can get from them. if im putting up with more than im getting out of it, id just walk away because everyone is out for themselves and of course that applies to me too. thats the way ive been taught the world works, and if im not getting any emotional backlash for doing that, why wouldnt i? it just makes sense. im fundamentally out for myself because no one else has been there to help when i needed them in the past.

from an npd perspective, if someones annoying me its likely because i am thinking of myself as being vastly superior to them and find the annoying quirks of them to be proof of their inferiority. the fact that theyve disagreed with me or fought me on something means they dont have the degree of respect and admiration for me that they should. this usually leads to me discarding them out of frustration and ill push them away by just showing less and less interest in them, or the ways i would that i mentioned above. the fear here, as you may be able to guess, is being wrong and being weaker/worse/unworthy. for me, being right and being more esteemed than my peers was a matter of survival in my childhood, and now if someone is starting to chip into the veneer or perfection ive built and maintained they have become a threat and i have to separate before they see too much and i lose everything.

now i dont know why you - orginal messager - asked this question, or why anyone else might be looking for this informatio. i can come up with a few guesses though, so im gonna add a couple things that applies to prosocials and other things that apply to antisocials and narcissists. but ill tuck that away so you can ignore my advice if you want to and just take the analysis.

prosocials - if you have a friend with either of these personality disorders and they are beginning to withdraw theres a choice before you. firstly, you can let them. you can recognise that this person doesnt want to associate with you anymore for whatever reason and allow yourself to be at peace with that. im sure it hurts, especially after what ive said about my reasons for doing this, but if you think you are better off just letting this one go, i support that and encourage you to just slip away with a clean break.

the other option you have, if you want to try your best to keep that person with you, is to address it plain as day. its uncomfortable, yes, but try not to be confrontational. a simple 'hey, ive noticed you distancing yourself and withdrawing and i wanted to check in and find out why and whether or not we can resolve this'. perhaps its cold of me to ask this of you, im not entirely certain one way or the other. but you deserve to try and make it work if thats what you want, and the only way that happens is by addressing the problems and really, truly understanding that the behaviours we exhibit come from a place of fear and the memory of pain. they are trauma disorders. and while trauma does not excuse harmful behaviours it does no one any favours to ignore that its the root of the problem. maybe your friend will brush you off, thats true. they might not be ready to look deeper and thats their right. at which point youve done all you can and now you need to prioritise yourself. but maybe youll make your friend reevaluate, maybe they want to heal. and you can be such a huge part of that by just asking the questions and really listening to the response. its hard work, i know, but i will always be so grateful for the people who made me stop and look at myself and really see.

the third choice is you pretend its not happening and just wait to see if they get past it and come back. they might, its not implausible, but to me this feels like inviting yourself to be treated poorly again later when symptoms flare again and those fears react to something you dont understand or know about.

pwASPD and/or NPD - im not going to try and tell you that you owe it to the people around you to recover. im never saying that. recovery is your decision and it should only be for you. i chose recovery because i wanted to see what i wasnt able to before, and it has been so fucking hard. but id do it again in a heartbeat. its important to note though that i got lucky. really really fucking lucky, and id be doing you a disservice if i pretended otherwise. on that note, here is my advice for those who want to get better and those who dont:

if you dont, if you dont want to see the fear that is reacting to the perceived threat, if its still too painful to look at, just dont. let yourself be blind to it and find comfort in the ways you can. its not cowardly, and its not pathetic. sometimes forcing yourself to stare into a fire is more damaging than its worth, and you are the only one who can decide if it is or not. only you know how close to that fire you are. perhaps its better to distance yourself from this person even if its just for now, or perhaps its better to leave entirely. it depends on how uncomfortable you feel. but i suggest figuring it out quickly and saving yourself the trouble that will come if you string someone along for too long. its always blown up in my face eventually, for what my experience is worth, so deciding on your next move sooner than later saves you a lot of trouble. but perhaps the perks are better than the blow up later on. who am i to say.

if you do want to recover though, firstly, give yourself some credit. the way you are reacting is because this has kept you alive and safe this long, dont let yourself forget that. you arent ridiculous or pathetic or cowardly or whatever else your brain might be saying you are. you are alive, and you are deciding to grow past your trauma and the responses youve learnt to cope with it and thats fucking huge. dont forget it. now the first thing you want to do is really look at what is making you uncomfortable. something is, but itll take some digging. these survival methods run deep, and tracing back to the root of the issue will take time and a lot of work and so much fucking courage. its not easy, im not going to lie, but you can do it. you are worth the time and the work it takes to get the things you want for yourself. find out whats messing with you and see how you can resolve it, either by discussing it with your friend and letting them support you or just rationalising it with yourself. understand that you are able to keep yourself safe, you just have to figure out what you are afraid of being vulnerable to. youre going to be ok, and for the record, im really proud of you.

obviously to everyone: do whatever the fuck you want to forever. im not here to tell you to change your entire life just because i say you should, even im not that egotistical. im just offering my experiences and observations, its up to you what you do with them.

[athena-swords]

KNOWLEDGEABLE STUFF

disclaimer: maybe you dont wanna read if you dont have the time to read it.

RANDOM facts and info about vedic astrology,tarot,western too ig, occult , energy work , witch craft and plamistry

okay so ever thought how people during vedic time used to know about the astronomy?? like its my biggest question 

manyyy people in here ignore the number of similarity of  Aries and Pisces  people its more you know internal thing like the  care and love and kind of mental level working is same. my aries and pisces people do share it.

where ever  is mars in your house you could see that  you keep that house ruled body part stimulated or want stimulation there even in fall 

so if you wanna improve your planet effect  then most simple way is to eat the food ingredient it rules very effective and simple

okay so was studying why taurus sign is so much connected to food and ya got the answer but for that you gotta know a lil bit of vedic astrology

the moon is  janam nakhshatra that is birth and its natural house in second house  which is taurus so the reason why many of them are great with stuffs related to food as second house also talks about food.

its less talked about but fire sign people will be able to connect 2 and 2 quickely 

there essence  is to consume   be it knowledge,energy, fortune,wealth but there is always a catch the law of nature is  gonna play

remember people when you consume something its all depends on your investment or amount of efforts.

ahm so for all the tarot readers out there there is a simple question I have do you all get messages or visuals when you think about any one’s question even after being done with their reading long time ago.

the colour most prominent  in the whole spread can help you know alot.

its more of my thing but before doing any reading for someone just greet the divine self in them it will help you familiarize with the energy and  ease the reading

the person receiving the reading well  I wanna specify that all the readers read the cards sometimes its more the channeling and less the cards and vice versa so dont get confuse yaa

and to not ask those question which you very much know you can  change like how will your exam go,will you be able to go or not believe me if the reading is not as you expected you will got even try reeaching there and will be stuck .this stuffs can easliy change with little bit of your belief and on working towards it.

your decks too love care and a bit of attention so dont forget to praise and nurture them.

when making your own cards  you should think of it as your canvas like dont make it on from some rulebook 

there is literally nothing a pinch of salt cant fix be it your food or people energy.

keep your loved ones photo frame on south west direction brings lotsss of happiness and peace at home

people who feel closed to moon in any form or are Mahadev bhakt should try doing a small ritual during full moon be it affirmations candle magic or healing bath.

when you feel that you are feeling really lonely and down take three people name who you are grateful for having including you  and why just one reason is also enough

cloves are really a magic ingredient if you have some financial issue going on take some salt some ONLY in a small container keep 3 cloves in it and keep it in a place where no one usually goes in your house and tada things will get better.

I know some more but it can be misused so for now this much is enough

       So have been learning palmistry from a long time and I am quite confident so would try to do some for sure and some more stuffs that would need part 2 ig.

Take everyone grow and live your 

har har mahadev

[sophieinwonderland]

your response to that post is kinda making me understand why a lot of us are starting to say you’re bad, too… your almost good at making it look genuine but that just isn’t right. you really dont care about people who have did or any of us except for you… i dont think any of us have it harder than people like cult survivors.. and they said it doesn’t do justice i agree it just keeps arguing going. but i am starting to realize you dont care and just want the arguing ti keep going. i am sorry it took me this long to see it fully. i started when the language thing started and as a parogenic system it was hard for me but i see it all now. you are not a good person. :(

i dont think any of us have it harder than people like cult survivors.

And?

When did this become a game of oppressionlympics?

It's possible for two different groups to both be oppressed at various levels. Although it's generally best not to compare it at all and just accept that oppression is oppression and therefore bad.

Why do you feel like you need to compare your oppression to that of another group to validate it?

You're entitled to your opinion of me. I'm going to fight for what I believe is right, and if bridges get burned along the way, so be it.

I do want to say this though.

The accusation that I don't care is bullshit.

I'm sorry but I wouldn't be investing this much time and energy into something if I didn't are. I would voice my opinions that I believe are right, even in the face of overwhelming opposition and harassment.

But I do believe I'm right. I believe that this cause is worth fighting for. That systems are worth fighting for.

But many in the system community are institutionalized to the oppression so thoroughly that they can't even recognize it for what it is.

They're willing to accept it while I'm not.

And so I appear as a radical for saying "yes, systems are oppressed, we don't deserve to be, and the way the world treats us is wrong."

I believe that there's a future where plurals won't have to hide. Where masking won't be expected to find acceptance. Where individual headmates won't be FORCED to identify by the body's name.

I doubt we'll live to see that world ourselves. I've mostly accepted that. But maybe the next generation will. (Unless the AI apocalypse happens first.)

But I think the only way we'll ever reach that world is if we can look objectively at the one we live in today and realize how much it hurts systems, forcing us to mask, and denying our personhood at every possible opportunity.

And this, to me, is something worth fighting for.

If you think fighting for plural rights makes me a bad person, then so be it.

I'm okay with not everyone agreeing with me. I'm okay with you not agreeing with me. My hope though, is that through this conversation, at least one more person will recognized how society is hurting systems than did yesterday. That another system will stop blaming themselves for how society treats them and realize that it's society itself that's wrong and needs to change.

[foster-the-moths]

some stuff about led astray au (most of it is just silly):

-six works at mandelatech. dave has NO CLUE he's an alternate. he thinks six is just some normal middle aged single father of two.

-when mark and cesar meet mark is in his more human form. the way that cesar learns about marks alternate form is one day mark is just like. wanna see something cool i have SOOO many teeth and cesars like. of course that sounds cool as fuck i wanna see a bunch of teeth. mark shows him and he's horrified, not because he's scared but because 'you have to brush and floss ALL of those???' and marks responds with '?? i dont brush my teeth' cesar is flabbergasted

-speaking of hygeine!! mark knows nothing about it so when adam was a baby he put him in a fucking washing machine. he spin cycled that infant.

-cesar is actually mark's source of education on a lot of human stuff because. six is trying his best but he does NOT know that shit. and mark is in hiding so he sure as hell isn't going to school. eventually when mark is older he convinces six that they should put adam in school, which is how he meets jonah.

-mark. doesn't like humanity very much. in his eyes cesar is the one good human ever and he isn't very fond of anyone else. so when adam makes a human friend (jonah) mark is not thrilled about it

-another reason mark doesn't like jonah because he smokes weed JFKLSJFKLSDJFSLFJDKSL even though he kills people and is literally a demon. calls it 'the devil's lettuce' and everything. they get along later tho don't worry.

-ruth lives in this au!!! thatcher is there too. they quit the force and now they research mark and adam's cases bc they are unique to all of the other kidnappings (i can. explain that later). the reason why they are so invested in them is because ruth's daughter got taken and she's trying to look for her. and since ruth is alive thatcher is less pathetic DSJALDSAD the wet cat energy gets transferred to ruth. shes like a depressed noir detective. thatcher is like a conspiracy theorist, he's always running on energy drinks and laser-focused on piecing together evidence. he has 20 of those red string cork boards. he gets to be a bit more silly in this au. they are also very close friends with dave and he helps them digitize the evidence they have :]

thats all for now but. feel free to ask either me or @official-bps more about it 👍 we have a LOT more about this au lol

[gayspock]

ok 1 menty b for me

i dont know. i think its just always been so alienating. i think theres something wrong with me and its unfixable. and sometimes, if i cant have anything else, i just want at least the fucking chance to express that without people thinking even less of me. and ik in reality nobody even gaf or sees me. but i also know know that if they did, 9times out fo 10 people would be rolling their eyes. whatever. idk. i feel so lonely and i dont think im ever not going to be lonely and its never going to get better because even when given the resources, the opportunities i just can never manage . i just cant . i swear i try . but every single time. my whole fucking life . i just walk away from everything with even less, it feels like. and its getting so much harderand harder. and i dont know how to express it liek ... i fucking feel myself SEETHE as ppl keep insisting "theres still a chance! there's still hope!" like sure bro. but i dont want to fucking keep living my life along the fucking asymptote of getting consistently closer to dying alone but "haha technically its not a certainty" and . like theres just something so fucking repulsive about me and i just cant seem to fix it no matter what. and im so exhausted all the time. and i genuinely dont think theres any way out of that . i go to work and i come home so burnt out and tired. and people are nice there but i dont think i can really connect with anyone . i just cant seem to get close to people . and i dont have it within me to meet anyone else because im so fucking tired all of the time .

and even if i did and i mustered all the energy and spent all the little time i had left in the world i dont think theyd have time for me. not just bc nobody in their 20s does but also because i dont know . it just never seems to work . and i cant do it again where i try to invest every little piece of me into it when its jsut always left me fucking miserable and pathetic. bro do you know what i mean. not to be 16 and lame as shit still. i feel like im always the idiot ppl take pity on at best . i dont think ive ever been real to anybody. like alwaysssssss...... and even now i feel like every time I HAVE existed within circles of others. its literally 10 times out of 10 just constantly fighting to be included and seen as someone whos not a fucking joke and i just feel like such a fucking . loser for caring so much about it when. REALISTICALLY. pretty much all the people ive met in life will have forgotten i exist. and ok. ok. i just dont think ... like its not like some trait within me right like ... im not As melodramatic to be like oh . oh theres an actual innate trait within me thats activated and stops people liking me. just. the contrary like. i just think theres nothing within me to actually like . or to gravitate towards. so likeyeah sure . that makes sense. why WOULD you want to bother with someone whos just kinda hollow or whatever.. something something or other. and i kind of wish i was more resilient about tht. but i jsut . i guess as is a Guy of that Nature, its just ... im trying to fucking not fucking spiral but i just feel myself fucking filling up with fucking . miserable SHITTY bile or whatever because i just wish i felt normal or whatever. its such a fucking human fucking thing that other people can MANAGE. but i cant . its so so fucking hard and i cant do it and i cant handle it. and i just feel so angry sometimes anyways . bc i hate it . and i keep trying bc i wanna make peace with it because i know theres no out . like ive long since given up on ever thinking its going to work out . because nothing fucking helps but makes it so much worse . anyways. i dont know. but i dont know bro. it drives me fucking insane when people always spout some bs about how "haha everyone has someone! everyone will find someone! like no they dont no they wont . its so .. so much more isolating. or like "EVERYONEEE feels lonely sometimes" like HOW does that help. HOW. and it makes it so MUCH FUCKING WORSEEEE when people tell you about how lonely they are too!!! like cool . i dont have a chance then. sorry i know thats such a bitter bitch thing to say. but idk if it rlly matters like ... at the end of the day idc when ppl have partners. or people they talk to. family who loves them. and youre still lonely. cool. thank you for letting me know, dude. go back to the people who will look out for you and love you whilst i sit in the dark and not speak to anyone for weeks whilst not a single person would even notice im gone .

or like. bro. i dont think a single person has taken me seriously for long enough to ever fucking like me or hold me in enough regard to like... want to talk to me again nevermind like be with me in a certain sense so i jsut. i dont know. sits alone. every fucking day for years maybe. i dont know. i feel so fucking sad and angry knowing deep down that i can know all this and know its true but even then . i cant even have that . people wont even take THAT part of me seriouslyand think im just some fucking idiot whos not even trying. when i really reallyhave but its just so... worthless it feels like . it feels like im never getting anywhere and everyone thinks i just gave up when i didnt. and i dont know. thar makes it sound like people actually see me and really are laughing or something when i dont think its nearly that much. i think its like oh people see me make that as a snap judgement and i fall out of existence again. and i dont know. it shouldnt matter but i feel so fucking strung out and exist between these instances only and idk. idk bro. im trying to be okay with it. but as im getting older i just feel like theres so many more things that are revealing themselves as worse and worse. and im going crazy. im going crazzzzzzyyyy . whatever . insert the mental breakdown gifs . the funny ones where those guys aremoving really fast

[cloudlessnightskyline]

pt 1

Okay i'm rereading the webtoon so. thoughts. (if you notice any spelling mistakes please ignore them im on an energy drink and time is weird)

"Several years in the future" (abt the apocalypse). the usage of "several years" makes me think its like. 4-5 years AT MOST. because i dont think we call anything more than 5 several?

"players". sjs says "about 2 years from now" except we have a 1 year timeskip. so that means in sometime around 12 months players are going to start getting chosen?? which is shorter than i thought tbh

"That's how Dawon Guild became one of the top guilds" okay. listen. we know this probably doesn't happen in a day or two, right? it should have taken at least months. and since sjs says he put time into learning all abt weapons, we can further speculate abt the exact time everything started going to shit.

so there was enough time since the guildleader was chosen for him to both raise their guild to the top and let sjs invest in weapon learning? that takes at least sometime from a couple months to maybe a year or two. (there were still people knowledgeable about weapons alive)

so this would put the apocalypse. i am thinking roughly around 2-4 years from current time? the players need time to get acquainted with their skills and have enough time to grow to face the apocalypse.

okay time to theorize more. went back to reread and sjs says the difference in weapon creation is the amount of mana.

Sjs also says he's creating the weapons with little mana? and he's already a D-ranker. what happens when a rank A or B creator gets that knowledge? they can put more mana into the weapons, so they could potentially be stronger than sjs' ones?

yth also makes a comment about the sword. "higher than b rank". why is this a surprise? how do creators work? when a rank B creator standard-generates a sword, is it rank B? Or is it the same as a rank C or D creator's sword??? god i love worldbuilding

Are creators a rarity? surely his old guildmaster could have found another creator? potentially C class, since his whole guild is C class except sjs, so why does he settle on D class sjs? i dont think its abt money since he could probably hire a class C creator and still spend less money than on all the daggers he'll need to keep buying

speaking of which

"do you know how much money we spend on weapons?"

weapons are important in this world!! weapons are very very important so its obvious they'll be expensive. this leads to my question: why are they expensive?

I think it's probably due to a lack of supply.

good weapons are hard to come by and even cheap weapons are expensive. there's so many different classes in rpgs, there's bound to be one that has less people in than others. there are so many we can see in this.

i think, at this point in time, there just hasn't been a way for creators to make indefinite weapons, which means people had to rely on blacksmiths, but there's only so many blacksmiths in the world.

lack of supply + high demand = high prices

obviously this gets solved in the future (either due to players getting weapons from the system or creators just figuring it out due to gaining knowledge)

but this makes me wonder!! why only in the future? surely, somewhere out there, there's gonna be at least one creator who got invested into weapon making, right? this is just swirling around in my brain i had more things to say but it vanished so

yth says "most creators", but he only lists sjs as the exception. "it was as if the limitations didn't apply to him at all". so pretty much this means no creator ever decided they wanted to know more about weapons and i think this is sad.

anyways!!!!

...this is getting too long im making a separate post abt the rest of my thoughts

next part ->

[thisghosts-obsessions-again]

Then you dont know much. 1) Moonborn had five seasons and one of the first books they ever made with crappy art and drawings. Will be much better for them to do a re-release. 2) Hell and Highwater is the lowest rated book on the entire app together with Elite Tag so why would they even invest more time and energy on something people hate? And 3) Chasing You is a fan favorite. This will do wonders for Romance Club when all of their old readers come back.

Dear anon,

I'll try to my best to answer this as politely as I can, given I may be misreading the tone of your ask.

I would like to start by saying, that so far I have yet to come across a negative take on HHW here on Tumblr (personally haven't played ET yet because there are still old stories I have to finish). To say players hate it is a stretch. The way I see it, it was overshadowed by the more popular and trending stories, i.e. DALS, Theodora, and HOT to name a few. Regardless of the lower rating, it still deserved to be told the way the author envisioned it to be, and so do the other stories YSI shortened because they weren't "popular" enough.

Next, Moonborn having a re-release to revamp the art style is a monumental task considering its length and the number of items in-game. A sequel with revamp art styles? More plausible. To address your comment for the crappy art, of course it was crappy! It was one of RC's earlier batch of stories. One could argue, SOS, SITF and co. had crappy art too, but they all differed in the quality of their substance. Yes, you could have amazing art and graphics, but if it's all aesthetic without an ounce of good storytelling, then is it even worth it? I'd rather have a good story with crappy designs than gorgeous art with poor quality, narratively speaking.

Lastly, just because Chasing You was a fan favourite, doesn't automatically mean one should recycle the characters to make an AU. Fan fictions are there for that. Rather than 'chasing after' their old readers, they could have easily made another detective mystery book to entice back the readers who were, foremost, fans of the detective mystery genre. There is no guarantee that a sequel can and will generate a huge spike in player activity, if the story itself is bland. On the other hand, if you're in it simply for the character/s... I wish you nothing but the best. Because it will take a lot of mental energy to ignore plot holes and the likes. I speak this from the experience of someone who played an awful story for the sake of that one LI who ultimately was semi-okay-ish character-wise.

Personally, I have no problem with CY 2 getting released. My issue rest with the fact that CY has run its course, as well as the other popular books YSI might consider for potential sequels. Would it be preferable if they fix certain endings for some books that felt like they have been rushed? Yes. Absolutely. Would it have been better for the new book to have a new cast of characters as opposed to a CY Victorian AU? For me, at least, 100% yes.

Hopefully, this makes my view on the matter understandable, and satisfies your question.

[lycanthian]

blaseball.

a eulogy, of sorts.

(cw for mentions if suicide under the cut)

blaseball was my solace.

my only source of warmth by any definition in the cold (both literally and figuratively) of november 2020. that year was desolate. it was freezing.

i joined blaseball at the suggestion of, who was at the time an acquaintance, at the tail end of season eleven. i was skeptical, but latched onto the shoe thieves.

the season ended, and i spent the entire grand siesta researching just about every single thing that had ever happened in the game to that point. i was neck deep on hyperfixation, with no clue as to how deep that love would become.

blaseball helped me through a really hard time. in the years 2019-2020, i was a high school freshman navigating a brand new setting with hardly anyone i knew. being hit with quarantine was, possibly, the worst thing that could have happened to me. it was awful knowing that i spent so much energy making new friends only to be forced away from them, many of which not only cutting contact but dropping out or moving away.

i had to make new friends again when we came back. blaseball was one of the only ways i knew how. i spent lunches upon lunches of discussing everything that was happening and everything lored by the community. it helped me connect with people when connection was hard to come across.

(heres where we get into the cw a bit)

blaseball was an escape.

2020 and 2021 were shitty, shitty years.

covid aside, my mental health was at an all time low. i managed to keep going because of blaseball. it distracted me from the horrors of the world.

being cooped up made our already tense family life worse. my parents were at each others throats near constantly. they were at my brothers throats near constantly. my brothers were at each others throats near constantly.

when i started going back to school in person, covid was still rampant. shootings were picking up more and more, especially in my state.

blaseball, the act of being able to invest myself in it, was what kept me from doomspiraling for months on end.

im surprised i survived quarantine. if it werent for the community blaseball gave me, i dont think i would be here today to tell this story.

the community that blaseball gave me was extemely supportive and actually instrumental to my beginning to love and learn more about myself.

if i never got that opportunity, i think i very well would have offed myself by now. i mean, with the stress of school and the shitty world outside mixing with the added stress of having to witness both of my brothers' attempts... its hard not to to understand at least a bit

i dont think about it often. i never have. but the way stress has been piling on since that quarantine started, blaseball was the one escape from all that stress.

and for that, im grateful. ive met so many wonderful people here.

ive touched and been touched by so many amazing pieces of art, literature, and music.

my self image wouldnt be where it is today without the support of members of the shoe thieves communities.

my art wouldnt be anywhere near the skill level it is now if i didnt become obsessed with these players.

im sad to see it go this way, dying to the same corporate scope creep that it warned against, but i understand why it had to go.

am i mad about this outcome? yes. absolutely.

but

im grateful for everything that blaseball was able to do for me.

the ending is bittersweet, but i want to say thank you.

thank you to my great friend callie who i dont even know will see this for introducing this wild game to me.

thank you to the fans who worked behind the scenes for hours to archive and record past events so people like me could get up to speed.

thank you to all the amazingly talented artists, writers, and musicians in the fanbase who have created many of the most wonderful, inspirational pieces that rarely leave my mind to this day.

thank you to all of the charleston shoe thieves fans, past and present, for cultivating one of the most diverse, welcoming, and absolutely diehard loving communities ive ever been a part of and giving me a home for when my own was too much for me.

thank you to all of blaseblr, especially my friends and mutuals, who listen to me rant endlessly about my shoe thieves blorbos that most people know nothing about.

and finally, thank you to the game band for creating this absolutely eldritch beast of a project. it changed my life for the better. it has inspired me to do things ive never considered before, and it as well as the fanbase has drastically fundamentally altered who i am as a person.

we stole shoes. we fought gods. we raised the dead. we sucked really hard. we partied until we died. and then partied more. and we won the championships.

👐🏋️‍♀️🔥🍗🐅🔱

🥧📱🛠️🥩🎸💋

🌷🌞🌮🚤🕵️‍♂️🪱

🍬🌴🗣️👟✨🦀

many teams, one league.

[fipindustries]

weird inchoate throughts incoming:

i noticed the way i infodump about something im deeply into tends to be a bit different from how other people do it and this might be a product of me masking, i dont know. but now a days i tend to be more reserved about this stuff than i used to be when i was younger. i try to stay away from just word vomiting everything i know and/or might find interesting about the topic, but rather try to curate the information and the way im presenting it as if i was pitching it.

rather than merely exposit im almost trying to sell the concept, im trying to make sure it has at least a shadow of the same emotional impact that it had on me when i first discovered it, im almost trying to reverse engineer the experience i had learning about the thing for the first time. so that they can GET IT, so that they can feel it in their bones what i felt, so that they can see not just what it is but WHY i care so much about it, so that they care a little bit as well and they dont think im a weirdo for talking non stop at them about something they dont care about.

im trying to get them invested

in order to do this i try to stay away from merely rapid fire exposition, this isnt an oral exam or a memorization test, this is a story that i am about to tell. i will keep firmly in mind what is merely tecnical minutia that wont contribute to selling the idea and what are the emotional keystones to get the listener hooked, i will try to cold read my audience a bit to see what tone to strike, how much energy to put into my tone, what thing to emphazise, what things to leave by the wayside.

the first thing ill keep in mind is that i will try my best to make this a conversation, which means that instead of launching on a 40 minutes long monologue, ill try to structure it as questions and answers. every time the conversation goes back to me and i launch on a fifteen minute rant about something i am directly and very pointedly adressing the question the other person asked. this helps the whole thing stay focused, structured and most important, interesting for the person listening to me. they are getting something they want from me and i get to feel smart by being able to explain whatever the other person wants to know about this vast world i hold inside of me.

there is a downside to this which is that im very dependant on the other persons full willingness to paticipate and keep the conversation going. but the upside of that is that the times it happens i know for a fact the other person is actually paying attention and interested in what i have to say

when i introduce the idea for the first time i try to reduce it to its most fundamental essntials, as quick and succint as i can make it while still communicating the very core of the concept. i try to make it concentrated and flavorful, promising depths and complexities beneath if the interlocutor is ever interested in plundering its dpths with me and if they bite, that is when the dumping starts.

a common mistake i see is people going on and on about details that are not relevant for the overall conveyance of the experience, it will just dizzy and confuse the listener trying to keep all details straight without knowing what is the main take away from it all. i will forego using too many names, opting for general labels like "this dude" or "the blue chick" or "the weird one i told you about". ill refer to previous events like "the big fuck up" or "that party" and so on and such.

i will make liberal use of hands and body gestures, ill put on a fun one-girl theatre show extravanganza, ill make voices and faces. ill re tell certain bits in a much more exagerated and overacted way because that way its a bit funnier and more engaging to listen to when coming from a person talking. ill pause, ill create dramatic tension, retell my own reactions that i had when i got to a certain part.

i will also try to highly structure the whole thing, if im about to embark on a tangent or a quick aside that is vital to get context i will make sure the listener knows this, ill put a pin on what i was saying, lay some sign boards on the ground and once we rejoin the main narrative ill make it explicit that that is what we are doing.

i have been told im really good at explaining things, i like to think is one of my talents, definetly is a thing i had a lot of practisce in. this is the first time i actually sat down to examine what is it that i do to get these results

[mail-me-a-snail]

For the writers meme: 1, 4, 10, 17, 22, 24 & 27!

1. What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

i write in times new roman, size 12--usually in white text on a black background. i didn't use to care, but 1) bright screens give me migraines and 2) it was the default setting of the phone app i used to write on before i switched over to focuswriter !!

(that phone app was writer+ btw; highly recommend it bc it's free, has a folder system, and there are no ads)(only downside is that it uses the markdown system but! oh well)

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

SINEW. or sinewy. like i use it quite a bit in my writing bc it's a word that just denotes something gross and tactile and moldy taffy-like but entirely human.

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

oh god where do i even BEGIN. the narrative of cyberpunk2077 haunts me so bad because it is a TIME LOOP. it is in every definition of the phrase a time loop and we don't talk about it enough.

and yes absolutely my writing has haunted me! be it wips or finished products, a number of my fics stick with me. one of them is the everyday miscellaneous, my mindhunter fic, because i remember working on it through a bad bout of dengue. for a week straight. the fact that i had had that energy while SICK haunts me.

and to me, when a piece of writing "haunts" you, i think that means it lingers with you. you dont hate it, or maybe you come to hate it eventually. maybe you love it a lot! maybe you learn to love it. either way, when u invest a lot of something (time or emotions or etc) into writing, it's gonna come back n stay with u

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

so my current longfic wip is called "pieces of the old country". i wont give much away other than that it's a mafia fic and a pretty self indulgent one at that.

SO it all started with me thinking about how tommy doesn't know how to speak italian. it makes sense ofc, hes an immigrant, mama angelo thought it easier to assimilate when you speak full english, etc.

and while sam and paulie are, likewise, immigrants, paulie speaks italian. which led to the idea of sam speaking it, too. which led to the idea of them both teaching tom!

here's a scene i had to cut for plot reasons, but y'all can take a gander !!

22. How organized are you with your writing? Describe to me your organization method, if it exists. What tools do you use? Notebooks? Binders? Apps? The Cloud?

id like to think im pretty organized! i have a bunch of notes on my phone sorted by media (for example, i have one for mafia, one for cp2077, etc) where i store dialogue or descriptions that randomly pop into my head. i save a backup of my fics to my writing drive after every session.

if im really absolutely desperate or in need of something more solid, ill write on a tissue lmao

24. How much prep work do you put into your stories? What does that look like for you? Do you enjoy this part or do you just want to get on with it?

im not sure what prep work means in this case? usually i just

daydream a fic

open the document

write

and that's it. if you mean research to make sure what im writing is canonically plausible, then i do a LOT of that

27. Who is the most stressful character you’ve ever written? Why?

oh tommy angelo i love you. but i hate writing you. im used to writing more...eloquent characters as it is and dumbing myself down for the sake of tommy's character voice is HARD. but we ball 👍

[draculuve]

theres always been lighthearted comments and jokes about those of us who unintentionally flit between interests, but im learning that there can be a deep kind of pain to it as well. because sometimes those interests will just fade away, or disappear as quickly as they came, both without you even noticing - but sometimes you discover something that brings you unbridled happiness and peace like nothing else, or you believe youve found your calling or life purpose, and you become so invested and enamoured with the joy and freedom of it all that you think theres no way it could only be temporary. you think ‘everything has finally fallen into place, everything is so right, my life is finally beginning, im finally free’. —and then you feel it. the tendrils of how you felt before, quietly seeping back in. you start losing your energy again; you start laughing and smiling less; you start doubting yourself and your aspirations. youve put all of your eggs into this perfect new basket, but now, where you used to look upon it with glee and pure love, you cant help but hear this voice at the back of your mind wondering why it doesnt look as pristine as it used to. asking ‘did you ever really like it? was that really what you wanted?’. when did your passion become past tense?

you try to ignore it or tell yourself youre just having an off day, because youre still attached to this new thing, its the centre of your whole world -- my god, sometimes it can even feel like its become part of your soul or entire being; you have nothing but adoration for it!! yet this preemptive grief still kicks in. even while youre actively engaging with whatever you were just honeymooning with, you simultaneously start to mourn it. you can hold on tight as you like, but that isnt what itll take to stop it from dissipating through your fingers. you feel outrage, because this that you now lived for or treasured is being taken from you for no reason at all, and theres nothing you can do about it. you feel lost and defeated and somewhat backstabbed. its a bit embarrassing, too, to have to go back to everyone who knows you and be like ‘youre right. it didnt last’. for the 100th time.

you spend the next unknown amount of time plunged back into disinterest and misery, fearing all kinds of things; fearing that youll never feel better again, that youll never see that previous ‘something’ in the same divine light, that youll never find something as good again, something that made you enjoy life. just as you believed the goodness wouldnt end, you dont believe this will end either. this extended period of mind-numbing, life-wasting dissatisfaction and boredom.

eventually you realise that this cycle is no different than clouds periodically covering the sun, or someone rampantly pulling the switch between summer and winter. your loves will still be there after the clouds pass; its all still waiting on the other side of this barren duration. and there may be something new for you then, or maybe something you managed to shelve and run, before the bad feelings could tarnish it; or something you salvaged from the negativity and to put back together with a tenderness that never left. theres so much consolation to be found in remembering that you typically do return to your old cherished things. sometimes with a gap of either months or many, many years, but ultimately youre both still there, ready for the right time and the right mental place to come together and create that spark again. the heartbreak of losing it once more will be right around the corner too, but thats when ill just have to remind myself that its only being taken to a collection of my other most prized interests and aspirations, and i can visit when the clouds have passed again

[jarujericoolivares]

SACHI-Group Inc.

Sustainable And Compostable Horizons Industry Group Incorporated or SACHI-Group Inc. is a company that I found for my second try at creating a story for the Aim2Flourish project. I was skeptical that I would be able to find another company given the short amount of time I had left. I tried messaging companies during the last time but to no avail. Silent Beads only replied to me because I had dealings with them before. That is why I thought that I might have a hard time looking for a new one. Fortunately, I found the website of AKO Packaging, a company that is under the SACHI group that sells cassava-based packaging. Unlike the other companies that I messaged, they immediately responded and told me to send them the proposal for the interview. Luckily they agreed and they immediately gave some time for the interview the following week. This company is a little more intimidating because it seems much bigger than Silent Beads. Luckily, however, the group seems passionate about sustainability and the innovation that they are promoting. This seems like a perfect company to practice the appreciative inquiry method because they like to talk about their brand and products. 

SACHI group is a company that was founded in 2021. They started by importing cassava-based packaging from indonesia because no company was manufacturing the product here in the Philippines. Over time and after managing to acquire some grants and investment, they managed to start manufacturing the products in Bulacan. Another surprised because their factory is located in Marilao Bulacan which is very near where I am staying. Currently, they are still importing the cassava resin which is used to make the packaging. Although the Philippines is an ideal palace to grow cassava roots, finding farmers to grow them is quite challenging. According to them, it is also not ideal for them to be the only buyer of cassava if ever the farmers decided to start growing them. It is part of their long term goal to eventually partner up with local farmers for their raw materials, but for now, it is not practical. They also dont have the technology to convert raw cassava starch into cassava resin like in indonesia. They also hope to get sufficient grants and investment to eventually start manufacturing the resin here. Regardless, they are still the first manufacturers of the cassava-based packaging here in the Philippines and they have helped removed over 150 tons of plastic since they started manufacturing. 

What is interesting about these cassava-based packaging is also something most of us overlook. Seeing biodegradable packaging is somewhat common these days, but SACHI groups emphasize that biodegradable does not automatically mean that its good for the environment. Even for biodegradable bags, it can take hundreds to a thousand years before they degrade. The main product proposition of their cassava-based packaging is that it's both biodegradable and home-compostable. Their product degrades and decomposes under 90 days and can provide compost to nourish the soil. Their bags can also completely dissolve in hot water making them easily disposable, unlike normal petroleum-based plastic bags. This difference is very technical but very significant. This makes their dream of a circular economy possible since the used cassava bags can be composted for agricultural use. The manufacturing process of cassava is also more environmentally friendly compared to petroleum-based bags and paper bags. It emits much less greenhouse gas than plastics, and it uses less water and energy than the manufacturing process of paper bags, not to mention more durable than the latter. This is the type of innovation where if everyone manages to see its value and adopt it, it can truly become better for the environment. I would say that cassava bags are the future of packaging.

[jess-oh]

day 3

hi journal.

im going to write today's entry as a letter to sophie. im a maid of honor for her wedding but after talking to jeanne today, i do really feel a lot more at peace having a straight convo with her. below is what i currently plan to say as it's been getting harder and harder to keep this "secret covered."

dear sophie,

hey girl! so, i want to preface this by saying youre allowed to react or decide to demote me or anything you want to do. that's your perogative.

um, i feel that we haven't been as close lately and a bit like we've been outgrowing each other for some time. i still value you a lot as a friend and enjoy talking about all our shared interests but ive been realizing that that isnt enough to fulfill me anymore. i think a part of me had always hoped or believed that if we just spend enough time together or being friends, our friendship would naturally deepen and we'd be able to get to a point where we're more freely vulnerable with one another and while we've had moments, that overall just never really happened. which is okay and i respect your boundaries and everything. im just realizing it's something that i really crave. and because of that, i dont feel as inclined to invest as much into our friendship anymore. im still totally cool hanging out and playing games every so often when possible but i think i need to find and cultivate a friendship that can fulfill me in this way.

i feel like thats a pretty good point to end on and allow her to respond. and if she responds asking why she cant just play that role for me and tries to point out how she already has, then i'd say:

i started thinking more seriously about this over the past month. i think the idea has been lingering in the back of my mind for a while but i never knew what words to put to my thoughts until more recently. but i feel that our hangouts were more mutual at one point but for a long time now, it feels as though i've been initiating our hangouts a lot more than you do. in general, i feel as though i reach out to you to check in and ask how youre doing and offer support and dont feel that reciprocated as much. i just feel like a back-up friend in your life and not actually very prioritized. like, if theres a last minute event, im a good person to ask to join. but to actually just hangout with, it doesnt really feel like a time is being allotted to spend with me. im the eternal +1 but not the actual invited 1.

im okay hanging out at your place and i started initiating for that a lot because youre such a homebody and i just chalked it up to if i want to hangout with sophie, it has to be at her home bc she wont have the energy to trek it over to me. but honestly, it does actually bother me that we rarely ever hangout at my place. it feels like im constantly making the trek to you but the effort isnt reciprocated. and i get some weeks are harder than others and you just really dont have the energy to travel and i get it. but we really only ever go to my place for our friendiversaries and thats kind of it.

i dont want our friendship to just depend on me.

in general, ive noticed a pattern over time and i just dont feel supported in the way i need by you many times. im okay volunteering information about my life sometimes but not all the time. the burden then always weighs on me. i just wanted to be asked how im doing. which you do do at times and i appreciate it every time. but, idk. it always feels a little... awkward? tense? weird? like even when i share honestly and vulnerably whats going on in my head at the given time, it doesnt feel like you actually really care. theres such minimal follow up in both in the moment and after the fact. no questions asking for more details or how to help me feel supported or check-ins on updates on the situation weeks later. it feels like you grabbed onto my sister's frustration over her trash bf and thats it.

and ive come to terms with the fact that maybe this is just your personality and thats fine. if you arent really the type to ask follow up questions or check in over time, thats perfectly okay! it's just, i think i need that in my life with someone i dedicate so much time and energy to.

again, im more than happy to continue to be your friend but maybe not "best friends"? we just arent that close anymore and i dont really see that changing anytime soon. im happy to still be a part of your wedding, if youll have me, but i also understand if this changes things.

i hope youre able to receive my intentions well.

thank you for listening and im sorry for everything.

jess oh

[happyk44]

Legit if I ever did become a semi-popular author (and by that I mean like. 20 ppl I don't know and didn't coerce into buying my books out of family/friendship committment bought and read my stuff and liked it), I would v likely not stop writing fanfic

Bc 1) um. I have way too many ideas that are not easily transferrable to original WIPs and also I do not want more original fucking WIPs okay Bc that requires more than one draft and fanfic is v much write publish and move on for me 🤷‍♂️

And 2) I just don't care. I will v likely never be Trad published BC I just dont have the energy to:

Write multiple drafts

Then shop them to different agencies with my fingers crossed

Revise and go through another draft, possibly multiple of them, if I get picked up by an agent

Shop to different publishers with my fingers crossed

Revise and go through another draft, possibly multiple of them, if I get picked up by a publisher

Do a whole bunch of marketing in between

Probably some other shit I forgot about that will take time and energy that I don't have Bc I work a day job and have chronic illnesses and spend most of my free time asleep anyway

I also just. Don't vibe with the idea that someone can look at my outline, my characters, my story, and all the work I put into it and say "actually scrub these parts out, they're not sellable". I don't like the idea of another person or company owning my story. And I don't have the capacity to write to market. I want to make weird shit that clicks with like 4 people. I don't want to have to sanitize anything.

And I take too long to write as is and with Trad publishing we've got a deadline breathing down my neck. At least if I stick to self-publishing, my drafts can take as long as they want from first to final, with all the editing and beta reading I need in between. Costly? Yeah, that's why the first round of books I've ever published were untouched by outside eyes Bc I was young and broke.

But I have a decent job now and I'm older and more confident in my skills so like. I don't mind putting in a chunk of change, only to come out at a loss in the end 😂 I just want ppl to read it. I don't need all the bells and whistles.

So, yeah, without the weight of "Trad publishers typically want you to scrub away any fanfic you might have", I don't really see the need to kick it to the curb. I like writing fanfic. If I wanna take time between drafts, or while I'm waiting for beta/editor feedback, and scribble out some drabbles or another fucking 60k masterpiece that like 5 people read because I wanna write but I'm too tired to fuck with another original piece, I can do it.

If I got offered smth by a small/indie publisher, I might be happy to take them up on it because they tend to be more forgiving of the weird and wonderful, but I don't like leaving people in the lurch because I'm a slow writer, which is why I really hate that I have those 4 ongoing fics still posted on ao3, and why my plan is to just fucking write and complete the whole series before I even hit publish on book 1 for any future series I may write Bc I don't wanna throw out book one, get at least one person invested, and then take five years to spit out book two.

(plus I get worried that I'll hit publish, start book two and realize I need to change smth in the story that requires going back and changing things in book one 😩 and like yes. I fully outline all books in a series before I hit publish, but hey, outlines are subject to change Bc stories are flexible)

Plus again 3) I like writing fanfic. I like playing with characters and settings I didn't create. I like writing meta and unhinged nonsense abt them. It's a different kind of imagination, and I enjoy it! I don't wanna have to stop unless I'm busy with other shit. And even then, I'd still like the opportunity to return if I wanted without have to orphan or plonk my shit under Anonymous. They're my stories!!

Anyway. Idk. Fingers crossed I finish a draft of smth end of next year 🤷‍♂️

[soul-dwelling]

Maybe I'm being premature, but I'm at the Inca arc right now but I kinda suspect that the rot has already started. With the whole Shinra getting possesed by Amaterasu thing it somehow kinda came out and was resolved randomly. Ofocurse I get it - its about resentment of being lied to and feeling like your mission was pointless, despair and rage all that but somehow, I dont know it didnt feel compeling, like a worse Soul in Ukraine getting mad from the black spheres (but that also kinda sucked)

…Oh, wow, I didn’t think of that: Shinra’s possession mirroring Soul’s Black Blood madness.  That’s good--that’s a really good observation. 

It also reinforces what I didn’t like about Fire Force. 

(Spoiler warning for Fire Force, as well as for Jujutsu Kaisen and My Hero Academia.)

If it and Soul Eater were completely different works, I would not mind the structure: if it worked in Soul Eater for a story beat, yes, repeat it in Fire Force, that’s fine, that’s part of Ohkubo’s trademark style, go for it, that’s awesome. 

But that’s not what happened. This was a Soul Eater prequel. And at the end of Fire Force, we see the Evangelist reduced to a Kishin-like entity, with the eyes, too, that Shinra kicks away. So, the Evangelist had influence over Amaterasu (the First Pillar), who then had influence over Shinra, who has the same mad smile that the Kishin’s Madness Wavelength produced. 

This is no longer Ohkubo’s trademark--this is now creating an origin story for Madness in Soul Eater, and this worldbuilding sucks, I hate it, I don’t like it, can we go back to pretending this wasn’t a prequel so we can stick to previously established canon and whatever headcanon fans came up with to have this make sense? 

But that’s my rant: let me get back to your ask. 

I get that Amaterasu possessing Shinra seems like it comes out of nowhere. 

Maybe that bothers me less because I feel like the manga later explains this clearly enough--even if I’m not a big fan of the results (see the prequel nonsense and origin story for the Kishin’s Madness Wavelength). 

But by this point, the negative energy around Amaterasu is getting stronger, even our protagonist Shinra is having a hard time dealing with all of this shit, he has a momentary lapse, it affects him, he falls under the Evangelist’s sway via Amaterasu. 

And if this problem hadn’t corrected itself quickly…I don’t know if I would have liked it. Without spoiling too much, look at Jujutsu Kaisen right now. I hate where that manga is right now--because (albeit already being a grim series) it just got so much darker, because the new problem (someone has a lapse, they get possessed, they now do something awful) is making things get so much worse. It is grimdark enough that I don’t feel engaged in still reading. My Hero Academia has that same problem going on: as things just keep getting worse, why should I feel invested, when I can just skip to later in the story when things get better--or when they are going to get worse, making my investment also the more pointless? 

So, having Arthur saving Shinra that abruptly? It’s not the most mature storytelling, but it solves the problem with less angst. Maybe the failure to let that angst simmer robs some character depth: this should be a moment to set up that big friendship (romance?) between Arthur and Shinra that gives us the ending--and I don’t feel it, I have never felt like Arthur and Shinra ever got to a point of having anything beyond hostility towards each other, the story never did anything to make me think these two were actually really good friends. This moment with Amaterasu should have solidified that friendship / romance / whatever, and just did not work for me. 

You point out that, while you get the moment--Shinra went through a lot of shit, now he gets possessed by Amaterasu--it doesn’t connect emotionally or feel compelling. I think I get that, I think I agree with you. Maybe it would have worked better for me if it felt like Ohkubo was willing to engage with how these moments would screw you up. 

It’s why, when it happens again, when later in the story Shinra is possessed by his doppel, and his doppel does awful things with his body, Shinra is surprisingly well-adjusted to getting over this awful trauma. It is too fast, it doesn’t take the trauma seriously enough, it doesn’t show that living after trauma has its challenges--it’s too clean, too shonen, too focused on rushing to an action-packed ending. 

Let Shinra cry it out over the shit he has gone through. Instead, it’s just rage without showing greater complexity to those feelings. 

[caralara]

Why I believe Xarry was supposed to be a stunt - and why it didn’t work out

(or: Harry’s Planned “Bisexual Coming Out” has everything to do with Babygate)

First off - this is my personal take on the matter. A lot of it is speculation. I try to give sources as much as I can. But a lot of it is just what makes sense to me. So yeah, I am not claiming this is actually what and how it happened (especially not the parts where I illustrate what I imagine they might have said, thought or felt!), I am just saying that I think this is what happened. This is gonna be long. Very long. Because I go into detail, and I venture into neighbouring territories of this subject. If you don’t have the patience for that, or want it simplified in bite sizes, here’s a Twitter thread I made months ago.

The subject itself is complex, so this post is as well. Get some snacks, some tea and/or wine, and if you’re up for it - lets get started.

Now, you ask - why a stunt though? Why can they not just be friends? We have to look at the bigger picture for this question, and also at how they appeared in the media - compared to female stunts. Please refer to these Hendall and Hamille and Holivia timelines to compare to stunt patterns. It’s pretty self explanatory, but rough oversight and commonalities between them: usually the stunt starts out on social media, following each other, being tagged together, liking posts etc, followed by sighting in a friendship group / dinner. Pap walks. Articles about being close, hanging out. Dates with “Organic Fan Sightings” in super popular spots. Wearing each other’s clothes and jewelry. Social Media engagement with friends and families. Deny deny deny when asked in interviews, dodge questions like there’s no tomorrow. Being spotted at shows by fans. Etc. Mix up at own will. You know the drill. Keep this in mind while walking through the Xarry Timeline with me.

The Friendship between Jeff and Harry

I believe that after Jeff successfully inserted himself into Harry’s close friendship circle, probably on orders from his music mogul of a father, Irving Azoff, he started to prepare everything he needed to in order to secure Harry as a solo artist and management client for the Azoffs, as it had been very clear to the trained eye that Harry held the most promises to be a global superstar after the band would break up - and everyone with an ounce of experience knew they were burning through that life force the five boys held like there was no tomorrow, trying to squeeze out all and any profit as quickly and as hard as they could while it was still possible - as they do with big famous boybands. They don’t believe you will stick around and be popular for long, but for the time being - boy oh boy, will they milk you (and the fans’ wallets). 

Irving Azoff

Sounds far fetched? Unfortunately, it isn’t. The music industry is run on money, just like any other entertainment industry, and people with a lot of money usually want more. Irving Azoff is one of the most powerful people in the music industry, with decades of experience and loads of connections to almost anyone important. Here, have a quote: “In 2012, Azoff topped Billboard Magazine's Power 100, being named the most powerful person in the music industry. There were monopolization claims made against his Performance Rights Group”  Doesn’t that make you go “huh?” - just to clarify. HE, Irving Azoff, who became chief executive officer of Ticketmaster in 2008, because he already was of Front Line, and has a venture with MSG Company (venue company), who founded two labels and has many more investments in many more companies in the entertainment and hospitality industry, created a performance rights organization which then had those monopolization claims brought against them in 2018, which only had been settled now in 2022. Nothing like being two steps ahead and becoming not only the boss but also the boss of the rights organization that is supposed to protect you from your very boss, isn't there? Clever and terrifying if you ask me.

Harry’s Seeding of his Solo Career

Now, back to Harry. How does someone, who can see how tightly “protected” a young boybander is by the people who all want a piece of him (and the money he makes them), and also by the people who actually fiercely care about him and just went through learning what the music industry is all about themselves, make Harry choose them to be his guide, his manager, his new trusted industry person? You get him where you know personal life and professional life blur. And what better way to gain his trust than to send your son, who was only in his late twenties at the time. A more or less young man with just enough “experience” - definitely more than Harry - to act as an older brother / friend, who can sympathize (“look - I know how it is, I hardly had a choice being in this industry world either! My dad always dragged me along, ugh, so I get it. But now I can show you how to enjoy it too, and all the tipps and tricks that you need to survive in this world!”). 

So, here comes Jeff, latest in August of 2013 already, comfortable in this world that is hurting Harry a lot, but that also looks incredibly enticing to him, all the glamor, all the luxury, and offers a guiding hand (and is probably very charming and very tuned into wanting to gain Harry’s deep trust in the long run while doing so!). He’s fun, he shows Harry the world of Hollywood, maybe gives him a reprieve from management constantly breathing down his neck, and offers him an outsider’s perspective - don’t forget how lonely Harry was at this point. Louis and Harry were practically forced onto different continents as often as possible, resulting in Harry having to be separate from the other boys, and heavy stunting took place for both of them, all to combat the ever so persistent Larry rumours that endangered stacks and stacks of money that was supposed to flow from those American wallets into the label’s. It was a really tough time, the beginning of them not being allowed to interact with each other at all publicly anymore and heavy, heavy stunting (Haylor? Elounor?).

And Jeff noticed. Of course he did - he knows how the music industry works, he knows of closeting (how could he not, working in management and with a father like that?), and he noticed what a toll this took on Harry. And there he had it. He discovered what Harry wanted. What Harry yearned for: being himself in public, being allowed to be out and proud. With Louis. So Jeff waited, and observed, and gathered information. And when Harry comes to a breaking point in 2014, Jeff speaks up.

“What if… you could be out?”

At this point, Harry trusts Jeff. He’s met his family, many times, he spends a lot of time with him and his friends, he’s found even more friends through him, like Harry Lambert! And Jeff knows what’s possible in the music industry. AND he’s young, he’s ambitious, he wants to strive for a better, freer world with him (right??).

The Plan

So, Jeff proposes a plan. If they renew their contract after their five records and five tours are done with is up in the air - they definitely want to renegotiate, if not leave them behind. But until then, they have to work with their current management, to keep the label happy. Jeff is gunning for that solo career of Harry’s. So what does Jeff propose? A compromise. Harry gets to come out as bisexual, completeley regardless of his actual sexuality, gets to be a bit more free to be himself in public, and maybe a step closer to coming out with Louis, but until then - the plan needs to make sure that Larry isn’t outed in the process. Because a boyband with one “sexually ambiguous” member can be sold as “sexy, chic, trendy, modern, cool” (not my words, but what I imagine the PR agency would package it as, and yes, I know this is biphobic, and no, I don’t agree with it, and no, it’s not MY view), but have two gay members in a band, and then together, gay for each other?? Apparently that would be the death for the money machine. So that is not possible at that time, in 2014. 

But how do you do it? How do you have Harry come out as not hetero, without outing Larry, as they are irrevocably linked, it seems? 

Easy, Jeff says. Harry gets publicly linked to a different man, ergo has a male PR stunt, and Louis has to appear Super Straight™ for the entirety of the coming out process. How do you “proof” a man has hetreosexual sex? You have him have a baby. That’s “failsafe” proof that he is Not Gay (as if gay men have not produced children in the past smh but you know how the GP is - everything has to be simple and filable into boxes!). So Louis, who of course watched how absolutely destructive it was for Harry to have to hide away the side of him that is so brilliant, so beautiful, so Harry, and had to instead watch him scratch off his nail polish, hide his affections, become a stoic mask in public just to not give away all the affection he has for Louis, says yes - yes to publicly having a fake baby, or at least publicly “impregnating” someone, so that Harry can breathe a little better. It is worth it. It won’t take too long. There will never actually be a baby. It’ll be worth it. Worth the while, even.

So 1D management, maybe reluctantly, agrees. And Jeff takes over the reins, coincidentally already acting like Harry’s manager at this point. He has a great friend in mind, who Harry would really like, who would be up for the PR stunt, who’s a good friend of Jeff’s, someone who could be trusted with this very delicate matter. So Jeff introduces Xander Ritz to Harry. And Harry gets excited, he can almost taste that little bit more of freedom, and is ready to make this believable.

Xarry - The Stunt

So, who actually is Xander Ritz? Xander used to be a (professional?) Lacrosse player from Pennsylvania and lives in NYC, who is now the cofounder of The Loyalist Company, together with his brother Maxwell. That company is part of the distribution process for Pleasing. His father is/was a popular dentist (maybe the connection to Jeff happened here). He has had a girlfriend of the name Jacquelyn Jablonski for a couple of years now, who has her own sportswear brand which Harry was seen wearing before.

Just like with Nick, Harry seemed to hit it off with the older man right away - seeing that Xander is 11 years older than Harry. 

Xander’s and Harry’s first interaction known to us is typical: it’s on social media, and it’s cryptic and not straight up in your face - Emma Greenwell, a friend, posts a photo and tags Xander and Harry both, suggesting they’re both out with her for McDonald’s after the X-Factor performance in November 2014. Shortly after, in December, they started following each other on instagram. 

In February 2015, Xander posts about birthdays and a photo of him with Harry in a group - all friendly and inconspicuous. It becomes clear they have been hanging out “privately”.

Then, the first pap walk - in June. The groundwork is done, it’s established Harry and Xander have some sort of friendship/relationship. While Louis goes out “partying”, getting papped every night and just exactly (on the date) a month prior had the infamous “1 Conception” pap photo taken with Briana, who just “accidentally” was in the background of that photo, holding up his end of this big project.

So it’s time for Harry to do his own version: he flies out to NYC for one day in the middle of the EU leg of OTRA tour to go out to dinner with a group of people, including Jeff. And who is “accidentally” captured in the background of these pap shots? Yes, Xander. Ever wonder why they used the only picture in which only Harry, Jeff and Xander were easily identifiable? And why he would jet to the other continent for one day? To then look at houses with Jeff (&Xander)?

Keeping to the time table seemed to be pretty important, the week prior, Tammi Clarke had planted the seed for “Louis was just told he was gonna be a dad” with her chimp instagram photo.

Height of Party-Womaniser!Louis image and the very beginning of BBG had to be used. No matter if tour was happening - if Xander & Jeff were available that day, it had to happen.

Maybe noteworthy? After this first pap walk, Sugar Baby Bear (SBB) makes its first appearance on stage next to Rainbow Bondage Bear (RBB) the next day at OTRA Brussels.

And then we get the heavy stunting week during their break between the EU and US leg of OTRA tour, the week leading up to the pregnancy announcement and Louis’ impending fatherhood on 14th of July. 

They started off on 4th of July, Harry being spotted with Xander having lunch at a popular cafe, sitting in full view easily recognisable in the outside seating area. Keep the palm tree shirt in mind for part 2!

The same day he went and got papped at the Bootsy Bellow’s Annual Red, White & Bootsy party, conveniently in full view again leaning on the balcony, all cosied up with Xander. Several gossiping sites got “receipts” of Harry being solely focussed on “his company” during this party and having zero interest in anyone else, even girls approaching him, and articles that were published of this event all only showed him with Xander while simultaneously mentioning his love for girls (without mentioning him by name - yet. Sounds familiar? Yep, that’s how they introduced Briana into the picture as well. Just a bit more on the nose with “mystery blonde” - but that was a het relationship they tried to sell, not a coming out.) (also does that not look a lot like the person from Louis' We Made It music video??)

All throughout the week, we got many more “organic fan spottings” of them at popular food places, pap shots, just the two of them or with Jeff, as well as Xander being spotted at OTRA shows.

The articles that published the pap walk with Xander talked about Harry’s boots (?) to not make the mention of “close pal” too obvious - the larries really do know how to interpret and do detective work, so the team had no doubt that this would start the rumour mill the latest.

While the entire bbg drama unfolded - we got Harry, running with the rainbow pride flag for the very first time, in the midst of super heavy babygate stunting. He’s allowed to be more flamboyant and a little bit more ambiguous in interviews. “Don’t knock it till you try it” and “female? Not that important” all come to mind during this time. This seems pretty clear like a trade off. As long as Louis was seen as Super Straight ™ Harry was free to be a little bit more himself on stage.

Then we had Xander popping up at a show again in Minnesota at the end of July.

A week later, August 4th, Harry gets papped leaving Lottie’s birthday party - and who is the date that “tries to stay out of the photos” but accidentally is fully in it, keeping his distance yet you can easily identify him? Yep, Harry is leaving with Xander. The article we get pushes babygate, while showing Harry and Louis spending time outside of work for the first time in - how many years? And of course the photographer releases more photos, and we get to find Xander in them - management sees our little larrie-detective-hearts as satisfied, feeling like we found something out we weren’t supposed to find, AND it’s gay AND it’s NOT LOUIS. Because Louis is going to be a dad. HETERO. And Harry has an older LOVER. And they all get ALONG, together, partying Lottie’s birthday away. Harry and Louis AND XANDER. TOGETHERBUTPLATONICALLY. Happy now, larries???

The very next day, Harry acknowledges Xander during the concert, referencing Lacrosse while Xander is being spotted and photographed by fans. The fans that analyse every single move eat it up.

Xarry update accounts start appearing. People start speculating. In the meantime, every day if there is no activity from Louis / babygate, there’s activity from Xarry. Seems almost like they are splitting the days to not overcrowd them with stunt content. Then they give the fandom two weeks of quiet to cool down, in which we get the first articles about the Azoffs becoming Harry’s manager in the middle of the month, shortly after followed with The Sun’s breaking article that One Direction will go on Hiatus from March 2016 on.

On 27 August 2015 Harry posts not only a cake on his instagram on Xander’s birthday, but also a blurry photo of a person that looks a lot like Xander.

Harry and Xander are seen all day long spending his birthday together, to strolling the city to going backstage together at OTRA Cleveland to travelling to Chicago to going out together at the SoHo house. “Receipts” tell of Harry sharing a room with Xander, and the next morning, instagram posts let fans deduce they went to the Art Institute with Cal, solidifying the suspicion they spent the night together. They do another stunt week marathon, positioning themselves “backstage” in great view of the fans, flirting and intimate while watching the opening act of OTRA Detroit.

Then, Harry spends a long weekend at Xander’s family’s house in Pennsylvania - how do we know? He goes to food places close to campus, coincidentally very much the target group of his fans, and has loads of pics taken with fans and of him in “private”.

More dinner dates / pap walks / social media interactions / spottings at shows happen all throughout until the last week of September. As soon as Xarry calms down, bbg picks up again - Briana is seen at shows, articles come in again (I am not joking, it is seamless. The very next day after Xarry is active, Briana pops up.)

Right after the bombardment of Xarry and BBG, you guessed it - they allow the fandom to cool down for a week. Exactly a week later, 10 October, Harry reacts to a Xander sign on stage while Louis follows Danielle Campbell on instagram.

From 14th - 24th of October, BBG is heavily, heavily pushed. Louis gets asked about the baby in every interview, and Xarry is - unsurprisingly - quiet. We also have the infamous cancelled OTRA Belfast show, which probably had to do with management watning to push Harry/Louis and the stunts to a level they weren’t comfortable with, maybe something like an actual baby being born?? And being his? Maybe a blanko article that had been “accidentally” published that day - what, three months early? - stating Louis Tomlinson’s healthy baby[boy/girl] had been born could have something to do with them walking out and not performing. We will never know, though. 

What happens the day after the BBG push ends? Let’s look at RBB&SBB. For the past 5 days, they had a countdown on their twitter, leading to the 25th October 2015 and a tweet: “Caution - Bears coming out of hibernation” many fans were excited - did that mean they would come out? Maybe this was half the truth. Maybe it was only one of them that was supposed to be coming out soon. It would make a lot of sense why they pushed babygate so so hard the week prior.

So, as soon as BBG ebbs, Xarry picks up again. End of October until the first week of November Harry & Xander follow each other’s friends and families, like their photos, making it look like they were getting serious, meeting friends and family, and Xander is spotted at the last two shows of OTRA tour. The grand finale: Xander allures on instagram to the idea of him being in London with Harry.

And then - nothing.

What happened? We can only speculate. But something that would make a lot of sense to me was this: 

Zayn leaving.

Let me explain.

(TW: Suicide)

There are so many theories and rumors floating around why Zayn left, but in retrospect, especially with Liam and Harry recently painting us an image of just how hard and terrifying this time must have been for them, under how much pressure they stood and how badly their mental health suffered under it, we get a better idea how this could have affected Zayn, too. Liam said he would be dead by now if the band hadn’t gone on hiatus, that he was an alcoholic by the end, and suicidal. And I don’t think Zayn fared much better. He shared he had an eating disorder, and we know those can kill. Just like the others, he probably abused alcohol and drugs as a coping mechanism, and looking at how he conducts himself today in the public eye, it is in my opinion a fair assessment that he is still recovering from deep trauma.

He apparently fainted after the San Siro WWA show, and because of the likes of Rebecca Ferguson and Katie Waissel we do know how severely Modest overworks their artists, from giving them adrenaline shots to using all sorts of psychological manipulation to get them to perform.

In my opinion, for Zayn it was a matter of survival. Caged like that, when you’re this sensitive, and forced to do something you don’t fully support - that kills. And the sheer exhaustion is detrimental to your psychological health. So when someone like Naughty Boy suddenly lures you with tales of freedom and making music exactly the way he liked, fuck the label, the way he did in November 2014, you suddenly can’t take it anymore. You got a taste of freedom, and if you don’t get it, you will die. (regardless of this being fact, it can certainly feel like that. And then - is there much of a difference?).

So Zayn gets worse. And Louis tries his hardest to make it better for him. All the boys do. They love each other, they’ve got each other’s backs, they all try to make things happen so that they can try and breathe a little easier. Remember, November 2014 is also back when they start seeding the Xarry stunt. It’s the time they wiped Briana’s social media presence clean, meaning they had already chosen her to be the "mum-to-be". The plans are set in motion for Harry’s bi coming out. And they all know they can’t handle more scandals than babygate and Harry coming out as bi, the brand One Direction can’t, or so the label might say. So they try to make it easier for Zayn, for his sake and for their sake. Just hold on a little longer, only finish this tour and then one more album and one last tour and we’re free. Maybe it became a mantra? We can do it. Only maybe another 1.5 years. You can do it. We can do it. We can get through this.

And Zayn seems to cling to it, he perks up under the shower of affection from the boys. Until - more pressure from the outside. The public lashes out, the “cheating scandal” between him and Lauren and Perrie (another PR stunt?) goes wild. Now he can’t anymore. They agree on him being allowed to go on a stress leave after he left a show early in March - they give him a week.

During this week, it seems, he gets the clarity he needs. He decides to leave One Direction. The day he is expected back, he quits. 

And now, remember - BBG and Xarry preparations are already in full swing. But what are Zayn’s choices? 

And can you blame Harry and Louis for being hurt about this? Can you blame Zayn for needing to leave? Can you blame Zayn for being hurt as well, and feeling guilty for walking away? Doesn’t it make so much sense if this situation truly was like that - Zayn’s happiness and survival for Harry’s and vice versa? (because if you think Harry wasn’t also on the brink of being suicidal, go back and rewatch the Adore You music video. Listen to the songs he wrote. To the ones Louis wrote “Could have been a bed in a box” is pretty dark (and yes, I have heard him sing these lyrics live with my very own ears) - and Don’t Let It Break Your Heart sounds a lot better than Please Don’t Kill Yourself). It’s not that they had a fight per se, it’s not that they didn’t love each other dearly, it’s not that they didn’t understand - they did, too well. It’s that outside forces made them choose - my life or yours. And that shit hurt. Both Harry and Louis. They both got scared that their plan wouldn’t be able to go through. That they themselves wouldn't make it. And they were partly right.

And it also kinda makes Louis’ statement make sense. He can’t speak to Zayn yet, something needs to change first, get resolved. Maybe he has to finish this chapter first, the one that was one of the reasons there was so much pain? End the babygate stunt, and then they can reconnect? Would make sense for him to be publicly liking Zayn’s You & I post recently, as it looks like babygate is probably ending in a little over a month from now. 

And why else would Liam and Niall be pretty neutral on this, while you could see just how bitter Harry and Louis were about this?

Back to Xarry. So, Zayn left at the end of March 2015. They still went ahead with all the babygate and Xarry stunting, hoping they would make it to the coming out, planned for probably the end of that year (remember the RBB&SBB countdown). 

The first rumors and articles about One Direction going on hiatus start circling at the beginning of June, when Briana is already confirmed to be “pregnant”, and then in late August, the hiatus is confirmed. I doubt that this was the plan ever since before Zayn left, but happened as a result of it. Zayn left, buying himself out of the contract and enduring a year long ban on releasing his own music (it might have been originally two years, maybe negotiations happened), point being - he showed you could actually break and bend the rules. At a price, but you can. 

So, the decision was made, maybe with a push by the Azoff’s through Harry, to be brave, bend the rules themselves and go on hiatus (this is what they had been waiting and working for, after all). 

It would make sense why they were so upset (even more so than you would be) about Modest pushing through the bbg stunt to an actual baby (what for?? we’re going on hiatus anyway next year!) in October with their Belfast gig cancelled.

Maybe the decision was made in November that yes, Harry would take on Jeff as his manager (my god how convenient! He’s already half acting as his manager, has the connections, has the experience, and most importantly, is Harry’s friend first and foremost - he’s looking out for Harry! He wants what is best for Harry, hasn’t he just helped to try and get Harry to come out as bi??) and contracts were signed. How convenient. Fullstop was set up first quarter of 2016. Truly convenient.

Because shortly after, on 15 November 2015, at the tail end of the (failed?) Xarry stunt, Xander goes and confounds The Loyalist with his brother Maxwell as well as some others, the description  reading “End-to-end platform that allows brands, influencers and content creators to launch a fully-functioning merchandise business in just 15min. The Loyalist hosts, produces, ships and insures every product; Store Owners simply promote and collect proceeds.” which is awfully convenient for someone who has lots of connections to people who have merchandise to sell to their fans (ahem, Harry?)

In the following weeks, Louis goes ‘official’ with Danielle Campbell, and we don’t hear much about Xander at all anymore. He pops up every now and again over the years, but in mostly a “I have a girlfriend and I am supporting my famous friend Harry Styles” way. In 2016, “private” photos of Harry hanging out with Xander’s family and vice versa are “leaked”, and there was a fandom scandal of some fans apparantly trying to catfish Xander into admitting that Harry was gay, some dick pics might have been sent, all of it backfired, leading to Xander deleting his twitter account at the beginning of 2016, but more about these probably in part 2.

Hendall

So, instead, Hendall gets revived. What happened? Maybe now that Jeff was officially Harry’s manager,  he properly advised about his solo career, with the help of his experienced father Irving, maybe at one of the family visits Harry did during November and December of 2015. And that maybe, maybe it would be the wisest to freeze the bi-coming out for a while until he’s an established solo artist - you never know how these things go! And Harry, don’t you want to become so so big and influential and well known that even when you have a coming out, no one will make you vanish? That people will still be interested? So that you can be a role model and a help and inspiration to so so many more people than just the measly few, you would have left if things go sideways now at the beginning of your solo career? You know, Jeff is only looking out for you, You know that. He’s your friend. Has been for years. And Xander being caught up in a fake (?) het dick pic scandal isn’t helping.

And maybe Harry reluctantly agrees. One Direction is over for now, pretty much, hardly three months left, and then he will be much freer than he was under modest, right. Right?

The stunts flow into each other seamlessly. From a Hendall burst beginning of 2015 to a year full of Xander back to yachting over new year’s with Kendall again. Kendall seems to be pulled out at any convenience, nothing serious, but the more sexy. It helps creating the image of a sexually ambiguous Harry who has many lovers of many genders (so that everybody, especially all of his fans have a chance with him iykwim). And Harry gets along with Kendall - maybe it’s the same just different, Kendall dealing with her closet. Does anybody want any CaKe?

Harry goes solo. And what are the first two songs Harry writes/releases?

Kiwi, that screams of rage and babygate, and Sign of the Times - they told me that the end is near. Which is awfully sorrowful, talking about how it's always the same, and that they always tell you soon.

And here you have it.

This is my take on Xarry, and to me, it makes a LOT of sense. 

Now, I do believe they are gearing up for another bisexual coming out for Harry (maybe Harry insisting now that we’ve seen him distnace himself a lot more from Jeff since the pandemic hit), and I am curious to see how it will unfold, especially hand in hand with babygate probably ending pretty soon.

I might make another post going into more details about another coming out attempt soon, so stay tuned for a part 2!