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floxalopex · 3 years

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I'm so sorry. No, I didn't even have my morning espresso yet. But I'm already stimming.

Soooo, it's actually a post about color palettes in Spop. Or at least, it was supposed to be that.

There's a post in the Entrapdak tag about how Hordak is likely demi. I've already expressed my unconditional love for this headcanon, being demi myself, and I added there that I even like the headcanon for bi-aromatic bisexual-demisexual biromantic Hordak. I talked briefily about Entrapta's sexuality (she is either bi, pan, or maybe omni). I also stated that I don't like the fact that they made Entrapta almost cheat on her bf just for the sake of implying that she is not straight. Before everyone freaks out, let's get into my point.

First of all.

Like I said, it's very canon that in Spop you can find certain color palettes for characters which can be similar to LGBT+ flags and so that we are given hints about their sexuality and gender identity.

Some of these are more subtext than others. I for example, being obssessed with genderfluid man-demiboy headcanon for Hordak, like to think this: the genderfluid flag is made out of basically Hordak's colors minus pink-purple. After Entrapta makes him the new armor the flag is complete, the crystal is there. Hordak is a lot trans coded and I (as a lot of trans pages) like to think that Entrapta is the methaphor of a support system who makes him realize who he really is, not wearing a heavy painfull armor that makes him look more masculine, but something softer and lighter that is truly fitting for him. Something more feminine and that makes him feel strong for the first time in his own skin.

Anyways, we have similar things for Bow (I recall a flower crown made by Perfuma with bi pastel colors). Glimmer is basically a walking bi pastel flag. These two showed some interest for same sex characters, especially Bow. For the same reasons Sea Hawk (who canonically had a bf) and Mermista are most likely bi too.

My sweet angel Entrapta too, like I said suspicious choice of colors for her tiny cupcakes and her family portrait. She is clearly there too.

One thing that as a demi monogamus mess I still don't like about Spop is the fact that they prirotized a lot showing the character's sexuality over their feelings. I mean, that's the aim of the show, portray LGBT+ community members. Which is amazing, but still maybe they could have handled It...mmm...better?

Crew-Ra: "look, Arrow boy showed interest for Perfuma and Sea Hawk, clearly bi!"

Me: "yh but by doing so he is breaking Glimmer's heart..."

Crew-Ra: "what? Nah, they get togheter in the end, everything is fine"

This applies sadly, to Entrapta even more. Like I said in the post I would have liked if they gave us more clear hints about her sexuality...but before meeting Hordak.

I still have not truly understood how she sees robots, if more as pets ("bad robot!"), friends, or sex toys.

She has a sister-owner-mother-friend relationship with Emily. Yet when Scorpia talked about her feelings for Catra in season 1 Entrapta said something about how she felt the same with Emily (demi spectrum for her too or just bad writing and the intention to depict her as creepy somehow?).

The point is the Crew-Ra said Entrapta has the ability to humanize even something people may find inhuman. That's why Entrapdak exists according to them. I like get their point, still it's makes me (and apparentely not only me) so sad to see her "flirt" with the Horde Robot and have "sex" with Darla.

Yes, I used those verbs with intention. Entrapta names Darla, to give a name to someone means marking they as an individual. We see totally a bi flag behind Entrapta during the Darla-scene. I want to believe she didn't see Darla as a person there, but that's ...not the case I guess. Sadly.

I don't like this. I'm not biphobic my bi friends, I'm demi, I know what if feels like when even your own community makes you feel "fake" and "not real". I would have actually loved more bi scenes for Entrapta, but not like this. Not after Hordak.

One can justify this saying she was just horny because she was exited to rescue bat bf, or maybe she "gave up" a bit on the idea of saving him and wanted to move on.

Honestely It hurts so bad, whatever your interpretation. I just like (or pretend) to think she wanted to masturbate on her own or something, which is healty even for married couples. Gosh, that's a lot of bad writing.

Lastly, why don't I like the headcanon of her being poly? Why don't I like this cheating stuff? I've already talked about it in the previous post (I'm okay with poly relationships in general), but let's just say that, whatever your interpretation for Hordak sexuality, he is very monogamus.

Plus, I know that "hips don't lie" (...when did I start sweating?) but still I think Hordak may have some hard time pleasing his princess.

It's not about the apperence (or lack) of sexual organs. I mean nothing can stop Entrapta. It's about stamina, it's about endurance. It's about coordination without the armor. Plus he still doesn't like his body. He is now surrounded by 10.000.000. healtier and younger versions of himself. Do you think he would be okay with Entrapta cheating on him? Even if she openly tells him? This gets worse if you headcanon him as demi. I truly don't understand why people cheat, really I lack a synapsis or something. I'm atheist, I know marriage is something made up by humans for humans, I know that mammals are hardly monogamus. Still, call me romantic, call me demi, call me loyal, call me a penguin, I am very monogamus.

And I bet bat boy is too.

The "good" knews, at least for me? I bet Entrapta is too, she knows how much a person can suffer for feeling "not enough". She loves him too much to do something like that to him by the way.

Dear Crew-ra, please: love, loyalty and respect are better than openly show a sexual attraction. Or at least you could have done both, write things differentely. But you didn't, deal with it, don't rush things at the finale, that only leads to bad results.

#entrapta #hordak #entrapdak #spop #spop discourse #darla #i hate season 5

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lokigodofaces · 3 years

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thoughts on loki ep 3: lamentis

under cut for your convenience

my first thought when i saw C-20 at the beginning was the Framework...i might be a bit too obsessed with an aos/Loki crossover...

C-20 was sorta able to find out something was wrong. from what Sylvie said, that's pretty impressive.

i wonder if Sylvie uses magic similar to Wanda's. like if Wanda just uses it on a bigger scale. the mind illusions thing checks out. and i saw on youtube that another patron looks like Evan Peters, so maybe they're connected? but most likely they just hired a dude that happens to look like Evan Peters.

going back to that, the glitch in C-20's illusion was like the glitches in WandaVision

if this really is similar to Wanda in canon, that means Sylvie and other Lokis might be nexus beings (y'know, the very thing i shout about in tags because i want)

Okay, so Sylvie tried to enchant a minuteman, which means she must have assumed the TVA operates on the same physics as the timeline. So neither Lokis thought magic could possibly be impeded.

good action sequence with Sylvie and minutemen and Sylvie and Loki

dudes...Renslayer can't fight. she literally did a horrible job.

Sylvie really thought the TVA valued Loki and that they really wanted/needed him to stop her. so she threatened to kill him, just for Renslayer to give the go ahead. shows how little the TVA cares and it echoes Odin.

Lamentis 1 sounded cool because that is a very sci-fi-ey name. It means the star the planet orbits is called Lamentis and the planet is the closest planet. That's how we name lots of planets outside the solar system. so i appreciated that.

okay, lamentis is literally just the bi flag. but still lots of purple so i will claim it as ace as well.

teleportation! and actual magic! yay!

okay, are they setting up a Loki/Sylvie romance? the way they framed the two when Sylvie tried to enchant Loki was how it's often done with kisses

Sylvie said with strong minds she has to do what she did to C-20 to enchant them, but she couldn't even do that with Loki. Which shows how powerful Loki is and how powerful the mind stone is.

i will die for more of Loki and Sylvie being chaotic together

Sylvie she said is an alias. Does this mean she is genderfluid but is female more often than male? i'm told some genderfluids are one gender more than the other, and i've considered Hiddleston's Loki to be predominantly male. Could Sylvie be the other way around? & born Loki but haven't changed her name? or have different names for different genders? and doesn't want to be called Loki when she's female because that's not her name as a woman?

literally i can't tell if they're setting up romance or sibling stuff.

i never thought i'd hear the word "savvy" from Loki. but, hey, if Jack Sparrow can say it, i'll allow it.

the effects for the gun that woman used look similar to Daisy Johnson's quakes. for a second i hoped for an aos crossover, but then i remembered that marvel hates it's non-Disney+ series.

i like the differences between Loki and Sylvie. Loki is less confrontational and more likely to mischief his way when Sylvie is more likely to rip the bandaid off and get it over with, if that makes sense. i think that Sylvie might just be so tired from living on the run, only going to apocalypses that she just wants to get it over with.

love is a serious theme throughout this episode. again, are they setting up a Loki/Sylvie romance? or will it be platonic or familial or something else?

Loki is very clearly not okay with the fact that so many people are being left to die, and i'm here for it

so the whole thing to get on the train i think is setting those two up to be a good duo. between illusions and enchantments, they can do a lot. and Loki was able to get them part of the way, and Sylvie the rest. i think it could be foreshadowing both of them needing to use their skills to work together.

never have your back to a door, i guess

Sylvie's reaction to Loki saying he wasn't told he was adopted. man, she was worried. she knows that that is messed up and i think she feels bad for Loki. she's probably imagining how her life would be different if she didn't know she was adopted.

sounds like Odin and Frigga weren't the adopters of Sylvie. Maybe the Lushtons? i don't know anything about them, just that Lushton is Sylvie's last name in the comics. so, yay for her for not having trash parents. unless they were, then sorry for Sylvie. at least they told her she was adopted. but if the Lushtons adopted her, how did they fall across a frost giant? especially the daughter of Laufey?

i've seen suggestions that the post man Sylvie is with could be Stan Lee since a couple cameos were of him as a post man. Maybe a younger post man, but he has less of a lifespan (if he is actually human in universe. i still like to think of him as the One Above All who just really likes to see the drama of things) than Sylvie, so she could be with him for a long time. maybe that's why Stan is always cameoing. he's just trying different things to try to find his love. and maybe he has a longer lifespan (he was in First Avenger) but not as long as Sylvie's so she still was there for most his life but he's dying soon. I actually like this headcanon a lot, i think it's sweet.

YAS BISEXUAL LOKI YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I AM! but i'm also scared my parents will find out. they're anti-queer. my siblings saw it, & they aren't supportive either but they operate on an "ignore it" policy, so they don't really care as long as it isn't a big deal.

also it is heavily hinted Sylvie is bi as well.

yes, i will continue to headcanon Loki as greyromantic and asexual. deal with it. i will change my language from panromantic to biromantic since the director specifically said he was bi.

also, it sounded like the director might be bi as well. good for her, taking a character she saw as bi and literally making it canon.

i knew Tom could sing, he was on Broadway. but i had never heard him sing i don't think. he has a good voice. petition to make a musical with Loki. watch the episode "Duet" of The Flash. i want something similar to that. can Sophia sing? throw her in too if she can!

translation of the norwegian suggests romance between Loki and Sylvie

was i expecting an "ANOTHER" reference? no. am i glad we got it? yeah, that was a nice touch.

turns out "full" means drunk in Norwegian according to a youtuber? but don't quote that. Loki says he's full, not drunk at one point.

what were they serving on that train? Thor couldn't get drunk on Earth. heck, Steve couldn't. so it must've been a heck of a drink they were serving

ok, the dagger metaphor i actually really liked. could be a shakespeare reference?

the fireworks thing with Frigga was cute

okay, i don't like Frigga much, but this has confirmed that Frigga was, maybe possibly, better than Odin. Frigga at least believed in Loki. but then her betrayal was so much worse.

wait, i just realized. Loki gets a fight scene on a train. a superhero genre staple is a fight on a moving vehicle (bonus if it's a train). yay! Loki hasn't had this trope yet in any of his appearances. off screen before Infinity War, and i don't count his attempt to murder Thanos on the Statesman. but we can add that to his list of superhero tropes.

i feel like the TVA needs to make stronger tempads...

okay, Loki threw the dagger horribly because he was drunk, right?they aren't saying he has horrible aim, are they?

falling out of a moving vehicle is also a superhero trope...at least it went better for them than it did Bucky

i relate to Sylvie screaming in the middle of nowhere

Loki being gentle with Sylvie and letting her talk to him. gosh. i love it. was not expecting to see Loki from my fics make an appearance.

Sylvie explained the enchantment to Loki, which i think was a poor decision for her.

she said C-20's mind was hard to navigate to her original memories. maybe the TVA does something to the TVA agents that join them. maybe if Loki proved useful, they'd do it to Loki.

or maybe variants lose memory over time. Sylvie says something about her memory being like blips of a dream, but I don't remember the context. maybe over time variants lose their memories and only retain a few things. Sylvie is well down that process, Loki has had hardly any change, and those working for the TVA only have a few things to remind them.

Mobius absolutely was a jet ski enthusiast in the '90's when he was arrested, and he loved Josta.

Casey liked Boku juice, a sign he was from the '90's.

whoever makes the uniforms is from whatever period that style of suit was popular ('80's?).

if anyone isn't a variant, it's Renslayer. she knows more than she should, i'm sure of it.

C-20 likes margaritas now, i'm sure of it.

Mobius has an interesting relationship with Renslayer. I wasn't sure if it was romantic or what. Maybe Renslayer looks like his lover from the '90's so he is flirty with her because of the faint memories he has.

Loki immediately catches on to the TVA agents not knowing they're variants. they think the Time Keepers created them. he knows that, Sylvie didn't. this immediately tells Loki that the Time Keepers are messed up.

possible redemptions for Mobius? B-15? C-20? when they find out they're variants?

so does C-20 know now? she kept saying "it was real" when Mobius found her in Roxxcart. maybe she had dreams of her life before, and Sylvie showed her that they were real?

the whole scene in the city was wild. so much color, lights, people, action, it was wild

Loki being protective of Sylvie, helping her up and wrapping his arm around her, i'm here for it.

loved the bit where Loki used telekinesis to stop the tower from falling on them.

there was a bit where Loki and Sylvie fought & their moves mirrored each other and gosh that was a nice touch.

Loki's reaction to the Ark's destruction. standing there in defeat while Sylvie walks away. wow. Tom. you are amazing.

and what the heck why did the episode end there?

can't wait for the next episode

more of TVA being evil being shown, loving it.

really, is Loki/Sylvie a thing? i have a hard time seeing romance some times, so let me know.

can we please get a Kang tease?

great lighting & cinematography. beautiful. lovely. also good action. shout out to the stunt doubles since they don't get enough credit.

okay let Loki & Sylvie be friends (or lovers, i'm fine with that) and let them burn the TVA down together.

aaaaaaaaaaa how are we half way through?

also, have the TVA fixed all the messed up timelines yet?

oh wait i gotta talk about this. the minutemen don't remember their names. i doubt Mobius's name was Mobius Mobius Mobius. Casey is probably not his real name. The Clone Wars fan in me was already screaming, but now it is even more.

#loki (2021)#loki (2021) spoilers #loki (2021) review #loki laufeyson #tva loki #sylvie laufeysdottir #mobius m mobius #ravonna renslayer #hunter c-20 #hunter b 15

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lucrloux · 3 years

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— meet LUC RIOUX !

hello ! my name is ani and i am so excited to be here ! below the cut you can find some information on my son, luc ! if you are interested in plotting please feel free to like this post or simply shoot me a message !

— the OVERVIEW !

( WOLFGANG NOVOGRATZ, CIS MALE, HE/HIM — oh gosh, sorry LUC RIOUX ! i didn’t see you there ! y'know, i can’t believe you’re already 26 years old; seems like just yesterday you were tripping over yourself, or was that yesterday ? just kidding, just kidding ! anyway, i hear that you’ve been here since 1955, or so you think; congratulations ! at least that shining EXTROVERTED personality of yours hasn’t changed a bit, especially that OBSERVANT + CHARMING, but IMPULSIVE + FRAUDULENT way about you. look, i gotta get back to the group, but i’ll see you around !

tw: ww2, alcohol, smoking.

— the BASICS !

full name / luc rioux.

nickname / lu, lucky.

age / twenty-six (26).

year of disappearance / 1955.

date of birth / 7th april.

star sign / aries.

hometown / paris, france.

current location / raven house.

nationality / french.

gender / cis male.

pronouns / he/him.

sexual orientation / bisexual/biromantic.

occupation / art forger.

language(s) spoken / french & english.

faceclaim / wolfgang novogratz.

— the STORY !

there is meaning in all things… but are you paying attention?

tiny fingers curled around mother’s hand, green eyes glossed over in an attempt to take in the world but it is too much– there is too much for you to see. you hear whispers of difficult times, hushed tones floating through otherwise empty halls. mother and father try to hide their worry from you. they try their best to keep the world beyond arched windows hidden, though even a simple glance outside gives way to their delicately spun tales. you see figures rushing past, always in a hurry– never stopping to look at the beauty in this world. as the months grow colder, their features fall– worry encompasses all the shadows you have yet to know.

would you look at it?

the world as you know it crumbled, nothing is as it was. nothing will ever be as it was before, times are changing and so are you. your heart yearns for simpler days spent chasing your sister up and down flights of stairs, dancing in the rain and watching father unfold the morning paper without scowling at the newest headlines. this world is not for you– this world is rough, it is cold, it is void of what makes us human. you are yet too young to understand the gravity of it all, but you see the pain. you see the exhaustion in people’s faces, the darkness beneath growing with each moment that passes. you watch it reach out from the corners, you watch it divide those you know and care for. you don’t understand, but you are filled with sorrow for them. you roll up your sleeves, and help where you can.

you watch father leave for war, his head held high wearing his pride visibly on his chest. for a moment you fear you might never see him again, but mother is there to hold you, to carry your burden. you fear he might never return. and then a letter arrives, you only catch a glimpse of it before mother tears it from your grasp. you see her tears fall, and though you cannot know for sure– you know it must be about father. you pray for his safe return, but in his stead soldiers enter your home. they speak a foreign tongue, and though you do not understand– you are told to fear them. and most importantly, to keep your sister safe.

your life has changed so drastically. you now serve the soldiers who have taken over your home, you bring them their morning coffee and scramble away as fast as you can. every part of you is filled with rage, you wish for nothing more than things to return to what they were before. you yearn to see your mother’s smile, but these days even the light in her eyes seems to have vanished. and though you are young, you must grow up fast. you must protect your family at all costs, but even so you cannot bear to bite your tongue and hold in your obvious distaste for these men. your sister tries to keep you in check, but you cannot help spitting in their cup, you cannot help calling them names, you cannot help making them feel unwanted in your home. and whilst you feel good in the moment, the punishment is always severe. though, in your eyes your little acts of rebellion are worth every moment of them. even if you tried, you could not sit quietly by.

the tides are changing…

the times are changing yet again, the men who occupy your home are no longer composed. you can see the terror in their eyes, and it brings you joy. they become crueler, and that fills your heart with hope– for even they know that their time would come to an end soon. there are whispers of forces liberating your country– and you hope it to be true.

c’est la vie…

you watch as horrid flags are taken down, and your own are raised once more. the city you call home is far from glory, it is in shutt and ashes. the very foundations collapsed under the turmoil of the war. and yet, everywhere you turn you see life return to empty shells. and with such a return, so does your father. but he is a changed man. he is not the sweet and tender man you remember him to be. his gaze has hardened, blue eyes turned cold as steel. you cannot find your way home to him, for his heart is shut with the despair of what he has lived.

you try so hard, but you are always met with disappointment.

you have a pale memory of that time, but why?

you are old enough to sit at the table, you are old enough for your voice to be heard. and yet, in your father’s eyes you are but a child. he pushes you aside, in his eyes you are worth nothing. and you have to wonder why is it that you are so wrong for this world? but you never learn the answer beyond never being good enough in his eyes. and so, you stop trying. instead, you follow your heart.

though the war is over, its remnants loom over your shoulders. you cannot unsee the things that have come to pass. the graveyards filled with bodies– old and young alike. the city is a ghost town, lights flickering as you walk past. when you wake in the middle of the night, covered in a layer of sweat, all you can think of is those horrid soldiers leaning back on your living room chairs, their dirty boots placed on the table. all you can remember is your mother running through the house fulfilling their every demand and you are angry. you are angry at the world for being so disappointing.

setting fire to our insides for fun, to distract our hearts from ever missing them…

*tw alcohol*

for a while, you think, it would be best to feel numb. you want to forget– you want to bury the terrors you have witnessed. but you cannot seem to forget. and so you turn to the bottle, you hope that maybe the answer lies at the bottom of your glass. but there is none to be found, instead, you watch the world go blurry. and you decide, you have seen enough– as well as far too little. you want to enjoy your life. you want to dream. you want to escape into different worlds all together.

*tw end*

art attracts us only by what it reveals of our most secret self…

your sister urges you to follow your dreams. she urges you to showcase your talents. and for a moment you believe her. you believe in yourself. regardless of what your father might think, you enroll in art school. you study the grand artists of your time, but you will never measure up to them. and once more you are met with the word you despise the most: disappointment. though you see your professor’s lips moving, you hear your father’s voice. and once more you run– you run from responsibility. but you are not willing to give up the life you love. and so, you turn elsewhere for guidance.

people leave pieces of their soul in their art…

you look to the masters for guidance, you know their work– and you can paint fairly well. you may not know yourself, but you search for pieces of yourself in their art. brush on paper, you begin to duplicate their works. after the turmoil of the war, art is lost and scattered and you abuse this. you sell your work for theirs, forgeries none the less– but good ones.

suddenly you have more money than you know what to do with. and you spend it foolishly. you spoil your mother, your sister and most importantly yourself. finally you have the means to do as you please, and so you do. you treat life as though it were a game, an illusion. you aren’t sure what is real and what is not– for you haven fallen under a spell, intoxication. but one thing remains certain: you are in for a wild ride.

— the THE FACTS !

luc was born and raised in paris, france.

his family was well off, but like many others they still struggled with the economic demise prior to ww2.

during the war, his father participated in the battle of france, but never returned home. like many others he was taken as a prisoner of war. leaving his mother to take care of luc and his little sister.

during the war, their home was occupied by german soldiers and they were forced to serve them. he hated this more than anything in the world, and acted out despite severe punishments. he was never one to sit by quietly.

during this time, his mother helped smuggle people out of the country and while luc was but a child, he aided her as best he could.

after france was liberated and his father returned home nothing would ever return to as it was in the time before. his father was a changed man from his time spent as a prisoner of war. he was cold, and distant. luc did not know how to deal with him, nor did his father know how to deal with luc.

he went on to study art and art history at university. but, there too he was met with disappointment. his professors did not agree with his style of work and eventually luc gave up and dropped out. his father, ever the more disappointed in him threatened to cut him off.

luc is a very proud young man, and so he essentially dared his father to cut him off. which the man then did. forcing luc to try and make ends meet himself.

luc was used to luxuries in his home, and he was not willing to give up such a life. so he turned to the other side of the law. he began forging famous paintings that had gone missing during the war. selling his own work as those of renowned painters. with the money he lived a lavish lifestyle.

he worked hard in this illicit career, but he partied even harder.

the young man had been dabbling in matters on the opposite side of the law, fraudulent behaviour on the verge of being uncovered. his sister had been so kind to pass him a note at breakfast, it hadn’t been signed by name though the message was threatening: ‘ we know what you are doing, it’s only a matter of time until we can link you to the crime. ‘ alas, he sought out a space, in which he could go about his work undisturbed.

checking in under a false name, jacques de villiers, the young man patted himself on the shoulder in the belief that this would solve all his problems. he would be able to use his hotel room to forge artwork, all evidence placed in the hands of the hotel, whereas at his home there would be none to be found when the police came knocking.

— the RAVEN HOUSE !

the year was 1955.

the young man decided to check into a hotel, tucked away in the heart of paris. it was far from modest, but truth be told he wouldn’t settle for less. luc had always been drawn to the luxurious aspects of life: a glass of champagne in the morning, silken sheets hugging his body, and leaning out the window to smoke his first cigarette of the day with a perfect view of champ de mars.

perhaps he had indulged in too many pleasures the night before, for when he pushed the door to his room open he was greeted by an entirely different interior. it was beautiful nonetheless, crystal chandeliers and ornate decorations. and yet, something was off. he caught glances of people passing by, each dressed in a manner he could not recognize to belong to his time. with a smile plastered on his lips, the young man left to discover the place he found himself in only to become aware of the fact that he now resided in the raven house.

— the PERSONALITY !

his unpredictability made him a menace to society, or better said the social circles his family operated in. he was everything but poised and calm, he had a certain spark in his eyes: the desire to live life to its fullest. luc was charming at his root, equipped with honey lips and a serpent’s tongue. though he didn’t necessarily say the right thing at the right time, he had a way of getting away with it. perhaps it was his sociability, or the way he would make the person he was speaking with feel as though they were the only one in the world. that was until his attention drifted elsewhere, which it always did. ever with a drink or cigarette in hand, he was the life of the party, one debacle after the other– a sight to behold, but never to own. he came and went as he pleased, making himself at home in any environment that he deemed acceptable. in his core, he is an extrovert– though a rather chaotic one.

— the HEADCANONS !

001. his most treasured item: it was a gift from father to son, the one object he owns that symbolizes his father’s acceptance. gifted to him upon his birthday, it came with the words, “now you are a man.” it was the only moment his father seemed to stand eye to eye with luc, as though they were equals. but this is not why the object means so much to him, no– he couldn’t care less about that man. he holds it dear for the words so delicately scratched onto the bottom by his sister, “l’artiste est semblable au prince des nuées “ (the artist is alike the prince of the clouds). the object is none other than a silver lighter with his initials engraved onto the center of it, always found in the comfort of his pocket.

002. when luc first entered the raven house he was content simply enjoying every day that passed without responsibility. however, when it dawned on him that he would never be able to see his family or friends again he became obsessed with remembering their likeness. he tried his best to draw images of those close to his heart, but with each day that passed he came to realize that those memories were lost. there are a vast amount of ripped up images, or unfinished pictures scattered around his room that he furiously scribbled over in frustration. for he was only ever able to draw one person from his past life: his father. the look of disappointment ingrained in his mind for all of time to come. though, the worst part of it all was that he couldn’t manage to create a single image of his sister, who he was really close to. he felt so guilty that he could not remember the details of her features beyond the green eyes they shared– and even then he was unsure if he remembered her eyes or if he was simply drawing his own.

003. after his mysterious disappearance, the note was discovered by his family. his story quickly became a rather large investigation, but as no trace of him was found his family grew impatient with the investigation and offered up a rather large reward for any news on their lost son. the case found the tabloids, the newspapers, and general gossip quite quickly. his story influenced the character « charles bonnet » in the movie “how to steal a million” years later.

004. when luc first entered the raven house he was only able to speak french, but one of the other guests was so kind as to teach him english. he still struggles with the pronunciation of words to this day, but he tries his best. it doesn’t exactly bother him either that his mothertongue often slips through when speaking in this foreign tongue, for he never cared much to perfect this skill-- he only wanted to be able to communicate. (this could be a possible plot ??? one of the other guests that teaches him english !!! )

#rhintro

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pinesconessecrets · 4 years

Text

The hardships of being gay and anxious

(Hi! This is my gift for @colorfullyminded, hope you like it!)

Lately, Jason Funderberker and Dipper had spent a lot of time together.

He thought nothing of it, not even when Norman teased him about being jealous. Because, why would he even be jealous? What was there to be jealous of? He had accepted that Dipper was straight and his chances were nonexistent a long time ago, and even though it didn’t stop hurting it had certainly eased up; so he had high hopes time would be kind and he would finally be able to let go of his stupid crush once they graduated from high school. And yeah, he would prefer it if Dipper chose to hang out with him instead of that idiot, but he couldn’t force him to take better decisions. So no, he wasn’t jealous or suspicious.

Until that day, when they both walked into class wearing matching bracelets.

They’re just friendship bracelets, he thought at first. But then he noticed the colors of the strings. Black, gray, white, purple, pink, purple and blue. The colors of the asexual and the bisexual flag. Did that mean… that the two of them were biromantic asexuals? Why didn’t Dipper tell him? He was the first person he had come out to! He supported him when he decided to tell his parents and little brother he was gay! So why…?

He didn’t mention the bracelets, waiting for Dipper to tell him when he felt ready. But the time didn’t come. Instead, Funderberker and him began to hang out even more than before, as if the time they spent together because of the band and DnD club wasn’t enough. Were they dating? It sure as hell looked like it.

So now Wirt found himself counting the days until graduation, heartbroken, stressed and feeling the most lost he’s ever felt in his life.

He tried to find comfort in his poetry, but every single thing he wrote was about loves that couldn’t be, misery, or just straight out about Dipper. It felt good to let it out of his chest, but after noticing he had almost filled a notebook with those poems he felt so pathetic he almost cried. No matter how much he tried to focus on more positive themes and emotions, he just couldn’t, and any attempt at it would be ripped out of the notebook in a fit of rage at how awful he thought it was.

It really seemed that when Dipper distanced himself, he took everything good Wirt had with him.

It wasn’t fair.

*****

Dipper couldn’t stay still.

The day had finally come, and he couldn’t stop fidgeting with his bracelet in anticipation of what was about to happen. He had been working on this for a whole month, paying attention to every little detail and doing his best so everything was close to perfection. The weight of the notebook in his bag was a constant reminder of how things would change and how they would never, ever, be back to normal.

A part of him was so scared of the outcome and begged him to just go home and let things stay the same, and to hit his stupid feelings with a shovel and bury them in the ground somewhere in the forest back at Gravity Falls. But it was too late to back off now, and it had taken him months to accept his crush on Wirt like to throw all his hard work down the drain just because he was too nervous and frightened.

Sighing while fixing his sleeves, Dipper let his thoughts take him back a few months ago to an event Mabel liked to call “The Bi-pper awakening”.

He had just been walking towards the place in the park where he would meet with Wirt and Norman (though the latter had sent a text saying he was going to be late) when he spotted Wirt sitting under a tree at the distance. His heart beat a little faster, but he thought nothing of it like the dumbass he was. That is, until he heard him.

Wirt wasn’t exactly a good singer, but he had quite the decent voice. A kind, trembling and a little creaky voice. And as he heard him sing in a foreign language with the peace of someone who belongs right there between the nature, Dipper found himself aware of his breathing and of how all the decisions he had made in his life had taken him there, in that moment, with that beautiful man.

And then he heard a record scratch in his mind.

The only logical thing to do then was, of course, to start panicking.

So he did, turning around and running until he found a bush excellent for hiding. It was a good thing that zone of the park was practically desolate, because otherwise someone would have heard him talking to himself trying to find an explanation to what he was feeling: was he gay? Why had he never felt like this for another man? What about all the girls he had liked before? Was Wirt just an exception? Were the crushes he had on women fake? Was it all a dream?

It went on and on, and it would have surely keep going had it not been for Norman texting him to ask “about his fucking whereabouts”.

He took another couple of minutes to regain his composure, and for the rest of the day he tried to act normal and to avoid staring at Wirt (it had never been difficult, what was happening now!), though he really wanted to go home, steal one of Mabel’s sweaters and go to Sweater Town.

Weeks passed, and after days of questioning his sexuality and doing deep internal analyses, he could say with confidence he was bisexual. So he came out to his sister, though he wasn’t ready to tell the rest of the family yet. Coming out to his friends was an easier choice, but after telling a few (it’s not like he had many to begin with) he found himself with a big trouble: how was he going to tell Wirt without spilling out his feelings? He, Norman and Jason were the only ones left, and though he knew he could trust Norman he wasn’t sure if he would be able to keep quiet in front of Wirt (he didn’t have the same trouble with Jason because he knew Wirt wouldn’t believe him), and he wasn’t fucking prepared for that. That only left Jason.

The day he came out to Jason was amazing; he hadn’t been ready for him to came out as asexual, much less to spend the rest of the afternoon making friendship bracelets while singing ABBA and promising to go together to the next Pride. Of course, while talking about that Jason suggested to invite Wirt too, which kind of forced Dipper to talk about his crush, which made Jason remind him of prom and of how big of an opportunity it was, which caused Dipper to think…

So now, after days spent planning and writing, he was ready to tell Wirt.

He tried to stay calm, listing in his mind every step of his plan and the words he had to say, but he just couldn’t stop sweating.

But he was going to do it, no turning back.

*****

If someone were to look at Wirt while he waited for Dipper, they could easily tell he was terrified.

Was Dipper finally going to tell him he was dating Jason Funderberker and that he couldn’t be friends with someone that hated his boyfriend? Because he could change! He could become Funderberker best friend if that would keep Dipper in his life, no matter how pathetic that sounded. He loved him, and he would take Dipper’s love in whatever way he choose.

He was in the middle of a really detailed fantasy of how different his life would be without Dipper (and how gloomy the future was certainly going to be), when Dipper himself walked into the room. Well, if the secluded section of the park their group of friends always used as meeting point could be considered a room. He was sweating, his shaking hands holding onto a notebook as if it held all the secrets in the universe, and overall worrying Wirt to no end.

But before he could even ask what was wrong, Dipper cleared his throat and opened his mouth. Then he closed it. Then he opened it again. Then he closed it with a defeated expression and just handed Wirt the notebook.

It looked like a normal notebook, a harmless and typical notebook, were it not for the words written in the cover.

100 reasons you should go to prom with me (sources included)

Was this a joke?

Right as he was about to panic (and/or cry) Dipper finally found his voice.

“I… I had a whole thing I wanted to say… but Mabel confiscated all the copies I had of my speech so… let’s just….” he coughed trying to dissimulate the way his voice had creaked and then proceeded to clear his throat with force “let’s just go with the words past Dipper wrote, please?”

There was a lot of questions Wirt wanted to ask, and yet the one he did hadn’t even crossed his mind adequately before he said it.

“Weren’t you dating Funderberker?”

Dipper’s face in that moment could have been the reaction meme of the decade.

“I’m sorry, what?”

He tried to explain the detailed monologue he (kind of) kept in his mind, but his brain refused to remember every piece of evidence and every argument he had accumulated “You… him… the bracelets”

“They’re just friendship bracelets”

Well, now he felt stupid. That meant he had only spent a month wallowing in self-pity when those two were just friends and when Dipper actually wanted to go to prom with him… alright, that last part still sounded fake.

He took a deep breath, discreetly looking at the bushes expecting to see a hidden camera or the bastard of Jason Funderberker laughing at his situation, but he found nothing of the sort, just Dipper with his adorable sweaty face, and his hat that finally looked like he had washed it, and his only decent pair of pants, and his formal shoes and oh god, this was serious wasn’t it?

He gulped, not believing his luck even though the light weight of the notebook was making it easier by the minute “So this… you want… you really want to go to prom with me?”

Dipper looked at him with determination in the eyes that had inspired him to write dozens of poems, and suddenly he was stricken with the realization that he would never, ever, stop writing poems about him “I like you, Wirt.” He then rubbed his arm and kept going, though it took Wirt a second to notice, lost in those words as he was “I don’t know for how long, I just know I realized it when I heard you sang that ballad that your grandfather taught you”

He couldn’t process Dipper’s confession yet (he was on it though) so he decided to focus on the memory of that day.

“Yeah, I remember that. Mabel caught me humming it and all of you insisted I sang it and explained it to you” That had been a really awkward moment, but sharing the song with his friends was incredible. His grandfather had always been so kind with him, and he had taught him his mother language since he was little, so preserving his memory through the songs and the tales he learned from him was the least he could do for the man that had cared so much for him.

Dipper blushed “No. I heard you sing it before, when…” he groaned and covered his face “when we decided to hang out here and Norman was late and I saw you and I loved your voice and I realized I love you” taking a deep breath after uncovering his face, he finally looked at him again “And also… I love it when you speak German”

He loved him. He said it. He said it.

Well, it was his turn wasn’t it?

“Ob ich dich liebe, weiß ich nicht. Seh ich nur einmal dein Gesicht, Seh dir ins Auge nur einmal, Frei wird mein Herz von aller Qual. Gott weiß, wie mir so wohl geschicht! Ob ich dich liebe, weiß ich nicht.”

Okay, technically he didn’t say it, but he really loved that poem and hey! It was in German! That probably gave him extra points.

If Dipper’s face was anything to go by, it did.

“What did you say?”

Mustering all the confidence he had, he smiled at him “You’ll find out at prom”

(The song they talk about is this one, if anyone wants to hear it! Also the poem is from Goethe. Sorry if there’s a mistake, English is my second languague)

#Pinescone #pinescone secret santa #Pinescone Secret Santa 2019 #Wirt #Dipper #Dipper Pines #submission

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ayy-spec · 3 years

Text

Anything to Add?

The final question in this survey was a write-in section for people to leave any additional comments. 113 people responded.

Important/Particularly Interesting Comments

• I hope this goes well for you because you seem nice and if you have any advice for new to the community 15 year olds like me, don't be afraid to share because I'm trying to embrace my sexuality as much as possible but it can be hard when I don't know where to go or turn to to find what I'm supposed to do and where to ask questions and just fully embrass this part of me and it can be hard when I don't even know many if any aspecs so representation is great and it is helpful to hear your experiences and how you handle certain parts, so just keep doing what your doing because it is making a difference [note: 🥺🥺😭]

• i often consider myself more as just aroace rather than aro and ace seperately so i prefer seeing the blue and orange aroace flag over the individual aro and ace flags

• I don't really shorten my identity often with aroace, only when im feeling very romance repulsed and its been a while since I felt romantic attraction. I am a pan-demiromantic asexual. My pan label makes me feel more connected to the lgbt+ community bc it feels like my nonbinary and intersex status doesn't count either. I know I belong in the queer community, but the lgbt+ community is so sexual orientation focused.

• Thank you for having a wide variety of labels to choose from in the options!! I don't see the term aegoromantic very often on things, it feels nice to be known I guess haha

• Thank you for this, i recently started thinking about being in arospec and it was so relieving, all this time i thought something was wrong or maybe i was broken. I'm still trying to learn more about it, and I'm grateful for people willing to teach and help

• didn't realize I hadn't experienced sexual attraction until I finally did and was like "OH, no wonder all my other relationships felt like I was playing pretend"

• I dont often tell people I'm gray aroace. Not because of shame or it not being "as important" (I'm a gay trans dude) but I think because I just feel its a very intimate part of myself, as well as my romanticism and sexuality (in terms of like asexuality) feeling as though it doesn't always need a label. I'm fine just being myself most of the time, a lot of labels can be tricky for myself I think. I'm happy the label exists nonetheless though because Its nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

• I'm queer! But if I'm getting down to the bones of it, I'm pan/ace. Still relearning how to be proud of that, after The Grand Clusterfuck years back.

• even though I would be considered to have an alloromantic orientation, alloace isn't really a term I feel any strong connection or attachment to

• i'd like to add that i do consider myself alloaro and use that label openly but i'd also not consider myself 100% allosexual. i'm questioning my sexuality but even if i do end up feeling more solidly ace-spec i'd still use the alloaro label

• Idk who else does this or if this is interesting enough to write down, but I thought I would! I use Aroace as a label. Other, smaller labels inside that would probably fit me better! Aroace feels too big, like it doesn't *really* define exactly who I am. But at the same time, I prefer using it because more people know what Aroace means (at least compared to myrromantic and myrsexual). I use Aroace so the public can define me. I don't typically use it around my close friends 'cause they already know my idiosyncrasies and where I really am. They already made their own definitions for me, so I don't have to make one for them!

• I'm still figuring myself out, so I leave myself at the blanket terms and hopefully everything'll work out in the end

The rest of the responses are below:

Comments Alerting Me About Typos (that I was then able to resolve)

• There's a typo in your "sexual orientation labels" question, because you have Aroflux listed and not Aceflux, but I didn't want to confuse things so I put Aceflux (which I do use) under Other. I also am polysexual (I flux between polysexual and asexual but I am always aegosexual) but didn't know if I should but it under Other anywhere since it's not an acespec label. I consider my polysexuality tied to me being aego/aceflux though, which is why I mention it here.

• the sexual orientations options are the same of the romantic ones ( for example, there's arovague and arospike in the sexual cathegory)

People Clarifying/Expounding Upon Their Own Identity/Experiences

· to clarify: i'm unsure whether or not i am demi or aceflux; so i use graysexual since both labels technically fall under that as an umbrella term.

• I’m still a confused gorl and I really only know that I don’t like sex it sexual acts but I do like romantic and sensual acts

• Sex/romance repulsed and I have aesthetic attraction

• I'm also animesexual and fictosexual (and romantic I guess but I don't like using the SAM for myself).

• I have never seen most of these labels, haha, I expect one of them is the one I always forget that's for being aro due to past trauma but people always assume it's romantic/sexual trauma so I don't use it and thus have forgotten it...but that's the essay I'm not usually up for writing: was biromantic but then had several awful life events on top of each other and had a complete breakdown and have been aro since. Unclear if it's permanent but it's been 14 years now. [note: I believe this person is thinking of caedromantic]

• I tend to use the word ace more than asexual because it's shorter, but I don't feel more favorably about one than the other.

• i can't tell the difference between platonic vs romantic attraction, and am unsure if people i have "liked" in the past was romantic, platonic, or a fake stemming from peer pressure.

• Also Gender-Neutral/Agender

• I’m gray-aro but identify more with being biromantic even though I know I’m aro-spec. As for sexual orientation, I’m just completely ace xD

• The fact I'm still trying to figure out my gender makes it harder to pinpoint exactly what my orientations are :( but I usually say I'm queer, and if it's safe: Bi Ace, and if I can get more specific: biromantic grey-asexual

• I also use a platonic label (biplatonic). I use it not in a friendship way, but more like in a QPR way.

• Thank you for doing this! My identity on the aro/ace spectrums has shifted a lot over the years and while I’ve just settled on aroace and queer for the most part, this community is so diverse and under appreciated. People who find joy in/identify with micro-identities are valid and deserve representation!

• I'm still figuring out my romantic orientation but it's looking less allo by the day lmao

• My romantic label is very fluid, but in terms of sexual labels, very sex repulsed Asexual

• Content with just Aspec cause it's difficult to pinpoint anything but cool with both asexual/ace and aromantic/aro

• I think of my romantic orientation as halfway between aromantic and homoromantic

• I'm a polyamorous ace, if there'd be a way to include that sometimes that'd be neat :)

• I am still questioning my identity

• I used to identify as 100% ace but now I have no idea other than that I seem to be pan-ace in some way shape or form so my identity is ???people???

• Sex/romance repulsed and I have aesthetic attraction

• to clarify: i'm unsure whether or not i am demi or aceflux; so i use graysexual since both labels technically fall under that as an umbrella term.

Queer Rights

• Trans rights, baybee 🤠🦂

• I just hope a-spec and aro-spec people will experience less negativity and hate this year <3

• Aspec rights!!

• aspec rights, baby

People Being Nice to Me (I appreciated this thank you everyone!!)

· :)

• Have a good day

• Uhhh, cool survey, nice to see a lot of labels.... good job! Nothing I have to add, it was great

• Have fun chief, thank you for your work

• Thank you for creating!

• thanks for the survey! I don't know too many aspec in person so I love participating in things like this about the ace/aro community!

• Thank you for what you’re doing

• just hi :)

• thanks!!

• I really love your blog! Reading your posts always makes me happy :) [note: thank you!]

• Good luck, have a nice day !

• I hope you're having a good day :)

• you're lived and valid af!! have a great day!!!

• Thank you for all your hard work i really appreciate it ☺️

• Drink some water Right Now OP

• Nope, :> hope the best for you.

• Cool survey, 10/10 would survey again.

• 💛

• Have a nice day uwu

• Nope! Have a nice day!

• Thank you for making pride flag edits! They're really nice! [note: thank you!!]

• nope, but this is really cool!!

• ❤️

• Have a good day.

• I think this survey idea is super cool! Definitely a great way to see what sort of aspec people are on tumblr :)

• You are doing the lords work

• Thank you for asking us.

• good luck!

• This is really cute idea :)

• I hope you're having a nice day!

• Good luck in your endevours!

• Thank you for making our community visible!

• Have a good day :3

• Have a good day!!

• Keep doing great stuff!

• Thank you for all the positivity I get from your blog! It's super helpful, keep it up :) [note: thank you!!]

• thanks for doing this. recognition is always nice

• Have fun <3

• Lots of love 💛

• This is a cool project, thanks for doing it and good luck! :)

People Saying They Love Me (and I love you, random a-specs)

· i love you OP!!!!!

• love you, hope you have a great day

An A-Spec Person Being Rude to Other A-Specs

• If you enjoy sex with your romantic partner then you are not asexual

A Person Who Is Not A-Spec Being Rude To A-Specs

• sweetie im sorry that you're so insecure that you feel like you have to make up new identities to feel better about yourself. if you are a lesbian or bisexual please know that you are welcome in the community, but other than that making thousands of microlabels like this makes a huge joke out of what was once an important and respected group. nobody takes us seriously anymore because of this shit. does labelling your identity like this really help you with anything? demisexual and fraysexual and all this are just fancy words for normal human feelings that everyone has. there is no need to microlabel it.

Other

· [variations of “no” (12)]

• not sure that helps lmao but still hope it does. all the best

• Axolotls (or as I like to call them, asexulotls) are amazing and I love them [Note: the man in question]

• Sorry, I can't remember the names of any blogs that do edits

• Ok random but the colors of the aro/ace flag? The blue and orange one? They’re gorgeous.

• I'm not so sure if I should use the aroace flag, I feel comfortable using both aro and ace flags, but I don't like the colors for the aroace flag :c [note: these are in chronological order, it’s a total coincidence that these comments are together]

• Curious to see where the survey goes

• It would be cool if you could also do some aplatonic-spectrum edits!

• there were fully half of the terms on that list that i had never even seen before. like, everything below litho down to no label was entirely new to me. at some point i will look into those! (but not right now, my brain is full enough at the moment)

• actually had to look up the majority of these orientations. Thank you for the opportunity to learn!

• Gonna reblog and follow and hopefully learn a bit more, about others and myself

Note: The only comment that is not listed in order is the first comment, which I put at the top because I found it the most important. It’s so important that kids and teens have space to explore their identity and learn about themselves. The reason I made this blog in the first place was because I was 19 and working on figuring out my gender and sexuality. Now that I’m a bit older and understand things better, I’m so glad that I’m able to help people in this way.

I make it a point to be very openly queer in my life and at work because I need LGBTQ+ people, especially youths, to know that we’re here. I’m lucky that I live somewhere that I can be visibly queer and speak about it openly. We are everywhere, and there’s more of us than you think!

Something that I really like about the comments at the top is that they show how diverse we are, and how people use words differently. Some people feel like they’re more aroace than aromantic and asexual separately, and others consider their romantic and sexual orientations to be completely different things.

I definitely relate to the person who identifies are myrromantic and myrsexual with their friends but just says aroace when speaking with people they don’t know as well. I believe a lot of people use different words depending on who they’re speaking with.

#survey results #aphobia cw

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a-singing-carebear · 5 years

Text

Coming out-honestly

*Fair warning - it came out (pun intended) very very lengthy, you really don't have to read it, it’s just a mess-salad.

I decided to wait until the last day of pride (kinda, i won’t have the computer in the next couple of days so it’s now on the 28th and not the actually 30th) rather than on the first or some random day.

Last year i posted on Pride Month a short post about my sexaluy-just stating for those who didn’t know that i'm homoromantic (/ace lesbian / whatever) and happy pride...

A few weeks (or days) after i deleted that post.

I was scared, it was the first time i ever came out in a social/"public" place, and i know that a lot of other people who are closeted outside of the net find places like tumblr or twitter as a safe place.

But i panicked and the fact that an ex-friend (yes that a word i’m using) is following me didn't help. (even though i'm pretty sure she hasn't touched her account in years...)

I’ve known i'm queer for a while. Actually i was raised in a very heteronormative environment, (and in a pretty lonely and closed childhood, so i wasn't aware of a l o t of things) until i was 12 i didn't even knew what the LGBTQ+ community was (other than hearing people use "homo" as a curse word or an insult).

When i found out it was just like "oh cool". Then realised that i was falling in love with my best friend, what started everything. I started looking back and realising things that i thought were just me being too young, a late bloomer or just not interested in all of that. The thought process-maybe i’m bi-i think im bi-no lesbian-oh asexal is a thing- Until i finally understand myself completely. (Maybe one day i will make a post about that)

Almost two years ago i finally fully came out to myself (as weird as it sounds) as asexual homoromanrtic. I was desperate to find the correct label and explain it to others. I felt like i couldn't just be “queer”, that no one will take it seriously or believe it without a clear specific tag(\label). (i’m not that much into labels, they can help and make you feel comfortable but why can’t i just say:

“i don’t think i have sexual attraction to anyone, i don’t want a sexaul relationship, i like girls, i want a girlfriend, and hey maybe there will be a guy someday that i will want to be with, in like a 2% present if even but still” .

(found this post a few days ago, it made me happy, like it was waiting just for me to read it, so thank you - https://atalana.tumblr.com/post/184952782507)

Now i’m almost 19, and knew for the past 7 years that i'm not straight, but it was really hard for me to be out to someone else. What if they will not accept me? What if they will hate me? What if it will make things awkward and uncomfortable? What if they'll tell me i’m wrong? (It has come to a point that i feel more comfortable coming out to people at my base (military) then my closest friends)...

I always said to myself that when i will have a girlfriend, this will be how i would come out - "...this is my girlfriend..." But it’s so much harder, still single, been single all my life, i don't really know how the whole “asking out” thing works (especially with my self-doubt, anxiety, being an introvert, and of course my sexaulty- first i need to find a girl that i like than for her to be wlw then for her to want me and then for her to be fine with me being also ace.

Switching things up a bit, let's talk about Pride Parade. For almost three years now (maybe more) I wanted to attend Pride. but combining: closeted, social anxiety, not loving very big crowds and being alone (like not having anyone to go with), and you can kinda see why i haven’t even though i do want. i can celebrate in my own way for now, looking at gay stuff in tumblr, re-reading the events of Stonewall ,listening to The Prom or Ben Platt’s “Sing to Me Instead”, watching Steven Universe, rewatching Love, Simon, making some(bad) queer art for myself etc.

For some reason it's really really hard for my to celebrate pride...cause i’m alone(feel alone at least). And i'm really terrified of being out. Even at home, even a simple thing like putting a flag or commenting gay stuff...

"Cause no matter what, announcing who you are to the world is pretty terrifying, cause what if the world doesn't like you." [-Love, Simon]

It’s all i want to do, to come out. I’m happy to be a part of the community, In silence and alone i embrace myself and everything… but, my feelings are so complicated.

"I feel like I’m stuck on a ferris wheel. One minute I’m on top of the world, then the next I’m at rock-bottom." [-Love, Simon]

I want be be proud, but It's just... For example, last week i was talking to someone and told her a story with two girls getting married, which ended in a big discussion with me defending and explaining the community, and finding out she's pretty homophobic. Then she asked me "wait are you a lesbian?"

"Ya, what of it?" That's what i wanted to say. i panicked, just froze and didn't answer her. And i know what you're going to say "we do understand, you just found out she's homophobic". It's more than that, i'm not sure if i would have acted differently if she wasn't...

It's so hard to be closeted, especially when your trying so hard to keep it that way (for some damn reason). I don't think there something wrong with me because i’m lgbtq+. i just think i couldn't handle the types of rejection/denial that i could receive.

Being in the closet is hard, growing up changing the pronouns in love songs, having nothing to say in "boys talk" etc. My little personal bubble is colorful (like a soap bubble in the sun), it's just so hard to me to show it. I need the courage, the self-confidence and the safeness of my surrounding, i just don't have them…

[This is what i love about people from the community wearing pride colors, it helps. it gives me hope and validness, it’s makes me so happy, i don’t feel that alone. it’s like holding a big sigh “hey i’m queer too, you’re accepted & safe!”]

Here, My closest friends for example, we’re friends for almost 5 years now, but i haven't told them. at all. I know they will accept me. But it can affect our relationships so much. I hope it doesn't... It's like a bandaid, i just need to rip it off, but it will hurt. Like opening Pandora's box, who know what will come out.

I’m out to my younger brother, but he doesn't like that i talk about it too often. I told my previous therapist. I came out to a new friend of mine, and then(of other reasons)a few weeks after we stopped being friends. My mother kinda know but not really. Two weeks ago i came out to a good friend of mine (but that i know only 4 month), and the only reason i felt comfortable telling him was because i knew he moves away in a couple of weeks (so even if it will be a disaster, i wouldn't have to see him again).

That's it.

So I was wondering for a while lately why didn't i already came out yet to any of my close friends? To my family? Yes, we already realise that it’s because i'm scared of what will happen,

I think i get another reason why, Because what if i’m wrong? What if it will change? What if i am just a late bloomer? If it’s false? Or what if i tell someone for example that i’m homoromantic and down the line i will find out i’m actually biromantic or vice versa or just a lesbian...

The amounts of anxiety i’m dealing with on a daily basis in every aspect of my life and my low, non existent self-esteem, make me qustion evey single time my sexualty.

Even when i’m already out to myself and know what i like, there's this voice keep telling me that maybe i’m wrong. I’m fine with just being queer, with not using a specific labels (and i’m fine with). But it feels like the others, the society around me, need those tags. It can't end with “i was in love with that girl” or “i want a girlfriend”, and furthermore, a lot of pepole have no idea about asexalty. so telling them that i’m also ace or that i’m homoromantic will be completed...

Don’t get me wrong, i know who i am, what i like, i’ve known for a long time. But i also know that it’s a spectrum and its flexible, it just, like i said, I don’t think anyone will except/believe me if my "tags" would "change".

Then i realised. It’s ok... Even if i’m not totally sure, even if it could change, it’s an exploration, an experience. And most importantly- it matters, it’s real. whoever i am, now it’s real and i have to be more confident with myself (and not to let my already existing tons of self-doubt affect how i accept my own sexualy).

So “i’m gay, gay means Happy”.

Happy Pride! LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE

Sorry for the huge, huge, enormous post. Thank you so much for listening, if you stayed until now (and coungration!) Just hope i don't regret it and delete this too…

Still not sure what to do… If you have any advices for me (or something else to say) i would love to hear.

Sorry again for the length, mess and probably grammar mistakes. I really needed to get it out there.

#pride month #pride #lgbtq #lgbtq community #coming out #closeted #lesbian #gay #asexuel #ace #homoromantic #wlw #gay pride #bi #love is love #queer

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roerowerow · 6 years

Text

How do I explain

How do I explain to my extremely sexually active parents that their fears about my long distance relationship with my girlfriend are some of the best parts of my relationship?

They’re scared that my girlfriend and I might not have chemistry but they mean sexual chemistry. That we might kiss and there won’t be any spark but what if that kind of spark isn’t in my kit?

My mom is scared she’ll never have grandchildren, more specifically grandchildren that are mine. My other mother is scared I’ll realize (on my upcoming trip) that my partner and I won’t have a connection. How do I make them understand that I don’t even know if I want kids and that the girl I love knows I’m ace and she loves me anyway.

I can’t muster up the courage to tell either of them that sex isn’t even in the equation; let alone the handbook I’m running with, my handbook. Broaching the topic with them, despite it being none of their business; ends with me being called inexperienced, afraid or slow shakes of the head coupled with looks of disappointment.

I’ll tell you what, I am afraid.

I’m terrified that my parents (All of whom fully accept and support my coming out as bi) won’t accept my title as biromantic. That they’ll think I’ve made up some non qualifying term for myself. That they won’t believe me, that they’ll tell me that biromantic isn’t a valid identity.

And hell yes, I am inexperienced.

Inexperienced in a subject I have absolutely no interest in. A subject I’m completely revolted by in practice; why would I want someone’s dick in my vagina or literally any other sexual experience when

A) If I practiced enough I could do that shit myself when ever I wanted and

B) At that point I could do a better job of it so why would I need someone else to spend that time with if it’s so god damn great?

How do I tell them that the more I solidify about my identity the less I want to talk with them about myself. About how I felt broken whenever they talked about this “amazing” experience and how sometimes I still do. How do I tell them that I’m not missing out on something I never want to go through, without hearing “come back and talk to me when you’ve tried it.”

Like sex is some sort of video game side quest that I wasn’t leveled high enough to even comprehend. IF IT’S PRESENTED LIKE A SLOPPY SIDE QUEST IMMA TREAT THAT SHIT LIKE A SLOPPY SIDE QUEST AND MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE.

This experience isn’t gonna complete me like some gift of the gods, how do I tell them that I don’t need sex to live a happy life? I’m terrified they’ll think I was abused, mistreated or that they’ll view me as broken. That my siblings who look to me for guidance, look to me as a role model might shun me for what my parents think aloud when I’m not around.

Because a large portion of my life is up in the air right now I’m worried that not being 100% certain about who I am, will just be one more thing on the list that “I’m just too young to really know about.”

HOW- HOW can I be expected to know at ANY given point firmly, completely 100% that this is it? That this, in my morphing ever IMPROVING definition of myself is as good as it’s gonna get; when I’ve been taught so much to the contrary and had to SELF EDUCATE not because I wanted to learn (at first) but because everyone else needed to know!

The best answer I had was to sputter something passable, laughable in hopes of avoiding the conversation another day. Because the never ending ‘why’ wanted to know and I feel like I owe them an explanation for being different.

Now how do I tell them that their little girl grew into a brilliant woman who doesn’t have the slightest desire to have “her own children”.

Who doesn’t want sex out of ANY relationship but didn’t realize that until she had two ex-boyfriends was labeled “commitment issues”.

Who never had any “real friends” so she looked to the internet and found five of amazing people that supported her and if they didn’t understand at least made an effort to try.

Who became friends and then fell in love with a shy girl from England with a beautiful smile, killer intellect and untamable hair.

How do I tell them, I’ve had that conversation with my partner to varying degrees and together we explored my identity because I was terrified to do it alone. I was so ready to sit in silence the majority of my life rather than rock the boat.

While we’re still sorting things out, she’s more supportive than they’ll ever be. I want to tell them more about us, I want them to be interested in her because she’s amazing and I want to gush about her because SHE FUCKING DESERVES TO BE TALKED ABOUT.

I know my family, we overshare. We get into the nitty-gritty but, that’s always where the conversation ends up. Don’t get me wrong I make dick jokes with the best of them. At they end of the day they all fall under the same category: joke. I just want to feel comfortable doing that again but not at the same time I’m being grilled about my sex life.

Now I feel like I can’t even fully do that. My Articly chill self bubbles into volcanic anxiety whenever the topic crops up. With one side of the family it’s a reoccurring theme; to a degree I’m thankful because they’ve taught me the basics of safe sex, diseases and other red flags in an otherwise non Sex Ed friendly world.

The other half of the spectrum is filled with misinformation and our family’s innate ability to make a joke of every topic we don’t fully understand. I don’t know what to say so that my identity doesn’t become a joke to you.

How in the world do I cope if my greatest fears come to life and they don’t understand?

I would love them of course, that would never change.

But what if they did?

What if one day they understood; that’s the day I’m waiting for folks. Everyday I make progress with them. Every time I push a little harder at the topic.

A little more stubbornness when we debate the differences of asexuality and celibacy.

A little more reassurance when they say “I could have phrased that differently.”

A hard stance when we all start talking about gender identity and the LGBTQ+ community

This is the hill I die on because one day my siblings might find themselves standing here and I won’t let them stand alone.

Because one day they’ll understand. One day they’ll ask about me and I’ll feel so comfortable again, I’ll tell them. Biromantic. I am Biromantic and proud.

#Biromantic #Ace #Acefolks #There is hope #Light at the end of the tunnel #We can do this #I can do this #What a heckin rant #Rant #Personal rant #Confidence #asexual #The hill I die on #god I need some dog pictures now #Dog pictures and actual dogs

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