#why is nz so far away from everything

[glimmerofsanity]

tomorrow night I'm getting on a plane for 30 hours and will end up in the UK, then Val d'Isère, Amsterdam and Brussels

[charlidos]

I keep thinking of everything Orlando said about Viggo in this interview from 2013, since it's so heartfelt. And I feel I need to delve a little deeper into his words. VERY deep.

"That's a very easy question for me to answer. VIGGO MORTENSEN."

Viggo is definitely in a category of his own, in Orlando's mind (and I think most would agree!). He answers Viggo so quickly, without any hesitation. He's without question the one who influenced him the most, despite working with all those other wonderful people. And I bet O would do anything to have a reunion on screen with Viggo. (As would I.)

"I sat next to Viggo Mortensen [...] every day for TWO YEARS nearly."

Viggo started filming mid-October 1999 and the original shoot ended at the end of December 2020. That's 14 months, not 24 months... (They didn't do any reshoots together, O only came over to see Viggo at those final reshoots and waded across a beautiful, moonlit river and O said he was in love with V... sort of). So O added a significant amount of time spent with V. Why? Because it felt like a lifetime? O himself spent 18 months in NZ, including those months of preparation, when Viggo definitely wasn't there, since we all know he arrived at the very last minute. I wonder if, in retrospect, it feels like Viggo was there the whole time? Or if O still remembers, for real, that there was a Stuart-phase too? (But that's a topic for a whole other post.)

"Viggo Mortensen had the biggest impact on me in terms of approach, dedication, intention and artistic outlook."

It feels like O would count basically everything included in life here... It feels like Viggo was his entirely world, for a while. It's actually weird how they ended up in quite different places in life, fame and work. Viggo lives mostly far away from Hollywood while O lives more or less in the middle of it. And I always wonder in what way O brought Viggo's role model with him to his work. Hopefully at the very least by being a good person, treating everyone with respect.

"I'm nowhere CLOSE to how gen.. how good he is as an artist. I wouldn't even put myself in the same category as an actor."

There really is no limit to O's admiration of Viggo. It's like he's a god. And maybe that also means a little unattainable, perhaps? There is something wistful about the way he speaks about Viggo, even when he's idolizing him to the max. Maybe because he fervently wishes to be near this genius artist again? To absorb his greatness again. Maybe because O feels he can't live up to his ideal/his idol? Because he lifts Viggo to the skies, but talks himself down, a bit.

"As a human being he had a very big influence on me. He's a very generous soul, a very dedicated soul."

It's obvious that Viggo's influence on him isn't at all limited to work, but also includes how to be as a human, how to live your life. O may be a buddhist, but really, V is his spiritual guide, his sensei, his god. His Viggod. (Let us worship.)

"He was like a mentor, without me even knowing that's what he was doing because I was probably too young to really understand and appreciate it at the time."

If you look at all the 2947294 times he's said how much he admires Viggo, how he was a mentor, how he wanted to BE Viggo, even back in 2001-2003, it's a little difficult to see that he didn't appreciate it at the time... I think he DID appreciate it, it's just now he's being sentimental about it. I think he just misses those days with Viggo, he wants to go back. Don't we all feel like that about a happy past memory? Like why didn't I see then how extremely good that was? Even though you did, since you were indeed happy. It's just that you want to go back to those moments, and truly savour them, since you don't know exactly how much they'll matter until they're gone.

"As I'm older now and I look back, I always think wow! Just the person that he was, the actor and how he was, with me, was so wonderful."

I kind of want to add O's own words "it makes me sound like I'm in love with the guy". Because yes, that is indeed what this sounds like. The way he says "so wonderful" just has this very "sigh! Viggo is such a dream!" tone. But again, it also sounds so very wistful. It's a cherished memory, but it's also something lost, I feel.

"We trade emails. We were out of touch for quite a while."

It really is no wonder he's feeling so very sentimental about those days with Viggo. They lost touch for "quite a while" (since around 2008 - since they both met new people...). In my ears, it sounds quite sad. From being a part of Viggo's every day life, to losing touch and trading a few emails (which neither of them seem to be that fond of). I wonder if Viggo got in touch to congratulate Orlando on becoming a dad? And that's why they started communicating again?

"But you know, Viggo's an artist. He's not just an actor, he's actually an artist."

To me, it sounds like he's explaining why they were out of touch for a longish period of time. Otherwise I don't understand the segue from saying they're trading emails. In my view, he's saying they lost touch because of this trait, because of Viggo's artist personality. Or perhaps just that he's very busy, having so many arts to pursue, so many talents to hone. Like Viggo is someone who is a little hard to hold on to. He had him daily, to himself sometimes even, for all that time in NZ, that the contrast must have seem huge. O was extremely busy after filming LotR, but I think what he's talking about is the period from around 2008 until a while before this interview. O wasn't quite as busy then, I believe, work-wise at least. Except for having a kid... But I sense that for O this smarted a bit, this absence. Of course, if you add the dimension of them possibly having a love affair before, then perhaps this distance happened because of a break-up. Which might have been painful. And would explain that trace of sadness in how he says this.

"He can paint, he can write, he can sing, he can dance, he can play music. He can do it all. He can take you fishing, he can take you into the wild. He's the guy who does it all."

I can't get over how much of a fanboy O really is. His admiration for Viggo is through the roof! The sky is the limit here, Viggo really is godly, the one you can't quite reach, the perfect man, the unattainable goal. O spent every day with him for so long, and yet he can't find fault with him. The only problem is that he's out of reach for O now. But perhaps O thinks that's his own fault, never Viggo's? Also, we know Viggo took O into the wild - and got lost. O doesn't blame him for that either. I guess that just turned into a magical adventure, particularly with time, Now he probably thinks of it as a perfect night, spent with the perfect man, forgetting the mosquite bites, being thirsty, being scared. I do wonder if O has a little shrine dedicated for Viggo at home. Incense and photos and all. And if they once were in love, O is definitely not over him. And will never be, I guess.

"Most men WISH they were Viggo Mortensen."

Again, Viggo has no bigger fanboy. He already said this once before, back in 2001. But then he said he himself wanted to be Viggo. So that never changed. Still hasn't changed, I imagine. When you see him press himself into Viggo at the LotR premieres, it's like O wanted to melt into him, become part of Viggo. Maybe that's what he meant by being Viggo? :)

"He's devastatingly handsome and cool."

O says this a little off-handedly, somehow. A little quietly. I love that he adds that extra adjective, he's not just handsome, he's devastatingly so. Nothing is ever normal with Viggo as far as O is concerned. Viggo is the perfect man, after all.

"He would hate me. Viggo, I apologise, I apologise, please don't hate me. It's all love. He would hate the fact that I've sad any of that, but he's that kind of guy too."

O knows Viggo pretty darn well. He spent such a long time with him, seeing his every day mood, seeing him under stress, working, on holiday, out in the wild. Really most aspects of life (except, I guess, normal life outside NZ - but then, what do I know? Maybe he did that too?). So he knows how self-effacing Viggo is, how humble and not prone to any narcissism. But it also implies that Viggo perhaps isn't that good at accepting compliments? He probably doesn't like being fawned over; maybe one reason he prefers to live outside of the rather narcissistic Hollywood bubble. O seems to regard this as another amazing trait Viggo has. Not only can he do anything, he also never brags about it. For some reason, this statement seems a little sad as well. The way he speaks to an imaginary Viggo - whom he hasn't seen in a long while, afraid (maybe not 100% seriously, but I still, a little) of ruining their maybe frail rebuilt friendship.

All in all, as lovely and loving as O is about Viggo here, it's also so rife with melancholy. O adores Viggo so much, I definitely feel he misses him terribly. That maybe he feels he lost him along the way, regardless of whose "fault" it is, if anyone's. And regardless of what kind of relationship they used to have. There's a Viggo-shaped hole in O's life. I get the feeling this is still true for O. I hope they did rekindled at least their friendship at one point.

I would love to hear Viggo speak of O one day too.

[lazarusawaken]

Random Nona thoughts

SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS

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— No but really, what medical(?) secret did Nona tell Hot Sauce? Will it ever be revealed?

— As someone who doesn’t speak Māori and is not familiar with the phonetics, I was 100% sure that “Kiriona” was a play on “Kyrie”, as in “Kyrie eleison”. Still not sure Tamsyn didn’t put the same connection as a second layer of meaning (because we’re talking onion layers of meaning with tlt)

— I absolutely love that the pre-ressurrection chapter is so NZ-centered

— Kinda feel that the main problem with Paul is that both Camilla and Palamedes have very strong presence and vibe, which was played beautifully in this book. With Paul, we didn’t get a strong introduction of character’s personality and at the same time it’s hard to imagine a melange of Cam’s and Pal’s personalities because they are so different.

— I normally don’t enjoy heterosexual romance in books, but even if we read Cam’s and Pal’s relationship as a platonic romance, they still have a place in my broken heart

— Still waiting for Crown to reveal herself as badtwin. So far she’s just very indecisive and tries to have all at once when it’s obviously not possible.

— Messenger????! Message?????!!!

— Was very intrigued by the nameless nun, but it’s very hard for me to keep track of ALL the original Lyctors (thanks God Tumblr exists for people to explain tlt to me), so didn’t catch Cristable but MY GOD, SHE.

— I really hope there will be a better explanation on how and why John’s powers manifested rather than “it just happened”. I mean, it wouldn’t ruin the series for me if it just stays, but I think it was not the usual level of, erm, logical basis?

— OG Lyctors, you bunch of horrible enablers.

— The cow refrain. My god.

— No but the cow wall. The “accident”. The way John’s arc was almost redeeming until it wasn’t.

— I personally did feel that NtN works perfectly fine as a separate book. I feel like a lot of criticism on that comes from a bias as we already knew that it originally was supposed to be a part of AtN.

— I really hope that we’ll see Nona integrated into Alecto’s personality.

— I’m still curious whether Pyrrha made up the mustache t-shirt or really bought it.

— Somehow Nona’a tantrum was really scary. The finger. Ouch. Oh.

— Is there some connection between Alecto wielding a two-hander and two-hander being Gideon’s favorite sword?

— I’m kinda happy that I’m not the only one confused by the whole BoE inner feud. At least it’s not me being dumb lol

— Genuinely enjoyed the domestic part of the book because it felt very much like grasping at tiny shards of happiness amidst hell knowing that something even more horrible is coming and everything will end soon, and I wish I could relate less.

— I kinda think the pacing was similar to the previous two books? The long slow beginning and a chaotic last third — at some point I almost walked away from GtN because of how slow it was? So happy I didn’t though.

— Reading tlt is like talking about your pain and trauma with a very compassionate listener. I don’t know if I can elaborate.

— Mercy appreciating the fierceness of teenage girls. Yes please. John getting a bunch of babies as Lyctors. No please.

— No but Ianthe in leather pants.

— Naberius was the last character I expected to have a comeback. Sort of.

— Alecto starts with Harrow in Hell — and seemingly picks up where HtN ended, Harrow-wise? I’m curious whether the Harrow John was talking to was Harrow at all? I was going into ask whether we’ll get a glimpse of what half a year in the River was for Harrow but we sort of already did?

— I love Tamsyn’s love for the most clueless characters as narrative focus.

— The Tower feels like the Tarot Tower. Like, a lot. I think there’s actually more of Tarot symbolism in tlt, but I’m not entirely sure.

— there will probably be more thoughts later, but it I don’t wrap up now, I will simply never stop

[petinsurancenewzealand]

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Source By:  How Horse Insurance Safeguards Your Equine Companion?

[jiilys]

Warm front! Warm front! warm front! (re the directors cut - if you have time of course)

warm front my beloved

i used to write harry/ginny fic ten years ago (literally ten years ago) on wattpad. it was terrible obviously and is lost to the void but the point is i have loved these jocks for a million years

anyway. originally it was going to be a few scenes of harry and ginny communicating in different ways. there was going to be a talking in the flames bit, a-la sirius, here is the starter bit for that:

Ginny felt like someone had set her throat on fire. “Fuck!” she coughed, looking up at Harry who looked half concerned, half amused.

“We don’t have to do this.”

“Mum’s just seen the phone bill,” Ginny coughed and physically felt soot go up her nose, “She thought this whole time calls were free.”

anyway this went nowhere, because i was too preoccupied with harry and ginny flirting on the phone. such is life. the hard bit was figuring out why they would be calling in the first place, but harry was always in australia with andromeda, and once i had it that magic was far away from his life at that moment, that he hardly used it, it made more sense

also, he had the phone installed for a joke, and then she used it as a joke and then that was how they talked, or however i wrote that line. the point was, i liked that it rooted back to everything they did being, really, to make the other person laugh. they talk on the phone for a year and a half as one long bit.

the file on my computer is called 'wow what' which is how i felt when writing it

unbelievable ammount of googling went into figuring out whether its called 'english breakfast' tea in england like it is here in nz, and i still have no idea.

i had the first two scenes: ginny & harry joking about rons mostashe, harrys explaination as to why he was in aus, and then the joking in the post office, written for ages. a year or more, because i had no idea what to do with them or where to go

and then i thought of 'i really dont want to die. i really don't want to die and miss out on you' which is so harry about ginny it was obvious, and i knew i had to keep writing to make that moment hit how i wanted

'it makes sense, he's never been anywhere he wasn't hunted too' was another line i liked and had to find a way to use. that poor boy!!

there were 800 versions of this:

Andromeda sat on a towel by the dunes under an enormous hat, tears running down her face, abruptly laughing when Teddy tried to eat sand or fell over a sandcastle. Harry knew how she felt. Impossible, how two years ago Teddy had two living parents and Harry had been seventeen, dead and walking, and now they were sat on the beach, people they loved dead for real, as Harry and Teddy lined up shells on the shore.

here's one:

Andromeda sat on a beach towel in a big hat, crying and smiling, and Harry knew how she felt. It was crazy, how two years ago Teddy hadn’t existed at all and how many people were still living and now lots of them weren’t and Teddy was here, trying to eat sand, watching Harry line seashells up in a row.

this one i almost used:

Impossible, how two years ago he’d been seventeen, dead and walking, and now he was here with the sun for miles, more people dead than he could count, lining shells up with Teddy on the shore. He couldn’t picture Remus on the beach, he’d never seen him on one before.

but i knew i couldn't have that (that horrible image, never seeing remus on the beach, never seeing him ever really be at ease) and have this stuff later, which i liked more:

Teddy turned two and Andromeda make him a cake by hand with a spider on it that moved. He blew out the candles and looked bemused, sat in a top Hermione had sent, still holding onto a scrap of ribbon. Harry took him outside and sat him on his Nimbus Seven Series, entirely too long, and Teddy did slow circles while Harry held the end, watching him laugh, tiny hands grasping the handle. Suddenly, like being thrown through a window, Remus was in front of him, standing in the Hogwarts Hallway, breathless and happy, saying his sons name.

i actually had a whole bunch of ideas i wanted to work through in this. the main one is like 400 different horrible things happened to this kid, and now he just has to go on and be a person. all this horrible shit happens, and he still has to make lunch everyday. that's what i wanted this to be about, the making lunch. the everyday stuff even while you know horror like that

that's what the bit about him forgetting sirius is dying is about. he forgot! for a second he forgot, he saw a big dog, and he thought it was his godfather. also, because i wrote down The memory looped in his brain, how Sirius’ name had risen in his throat, how odd it felt there, how long it had been since he’d said it aloud. and got so sad i had to stop working, so i knew i had to include it

i didnt really like eleanor and park when i read it, god, like seven or eigh years ago, but i have always liked the line "You're my favourite person of all time, I want everyone to met you" which very clearly inspired this:

Harry grinned, “You’re brilliant, I’m hanging my copy on the front door, framed.”

“The moving logo may cause problems for the muggles”

“Who cares? I want to tell everyone about this. Chaser for the Harpies–“

speaking of, this bit:

“Do you want– if you want, we could take a break-“

“No” Harry said, so fast, “No, no I don’t want that. Do you want that?”

“No. No. I just– I don’t want this to be difficult. I don’t want you to feel, like– obligated. If you want like room away from everything I get it. Just tell me– I don’t want– Just tell me.”

Harry’s heart was going into his chest like an endlessly slamming door. How to explain it? You wouldn’t believe the space here, all this room, all this time I have. I didn’t think I’d get it. I want space but never from you.

heavily heavily inspired, almost nicked really, from these howard moss lines:

Pleasures, complacencies, Are habits remaining serviceable. I am tired, yes. But not of you.

the diner summary ron writes is also inspired by the bus trip in adrian mole book, which are the funniest three pages in all of literature, full on not kidding

all of rons letters were written quite late actually, because by the time i realised how big i wanted this to be i knew that ron and hermione had to be there, only i sort of dread writing them. their dynamic is hard to get and i'm always wary of writing canon characters we have so much time with in the books. but i think the letters were a good split difference, they're there but they're not there, which is kind of how harry feels. they're far but not far

wrote this a hundred years ago, before i even started writing for them again, and had no where for it, and then it ended up here

“You like me.” Ginny said, not really serious but also deadly so.

Harry smiled, said dryly, “What gave me away?”

also so harry deciding to go home to england looks like this right:

He was walking back to the car from the post office one day, Teddy plodding beside him infatuated with a passing goose, with Ginny’s voice still swimming around him, the sound of Ron telling her to shut up, pass the receiver, I’ve got to tell him the Cannons score, and he walked into the travel agents and booked one-way ticket to England for next week. Just like that.

Stupid, really, how he heard their voices all the time (walking in the street, making a sandwich, fixing the plumbing) but had never made the connection. He was in the street like always, hearing the call all again, and thought I wish they were here for real, and then walked into the air-conditioning and pulled out his chequebook. It really was that easy. The goose was still outside when he left holding his ticket, Teddy squirming to get closer to it with a full-on beak that Harry was trying to hide with one hand.

but for a minute it looked like this:

It was stupid, some unspoken rule that no one from England had ever visited (hes never been anywhere he wasn’t hunted too) so a year passed without him seeing anyone he loved, except Teddy and Andromeda, in person. It was like they had all agreed silently to give him physical space but write and talk so often he could almost hear them in every room. Driving to the post office and he could hear Ginny’s voice, Ron's scoff, Hermione's laugh

He has this dream when he walks into the kitchen and theyre all standing there, Hermione sitting at the counter with a tea, Ron leaning against the counter eating a biscuit, Ginny sat next to him next to the toaster. They looked so strange, odd, out of place, where they didn’t belong. And Harry thought I don’t want to be where they don’t look right, and, like they could hear him, they turned to look at him,

there was also this, which had no where to go and couldnt really justify its own existance:

The land was so big that Harry had to apparate to get to the post office in town to use the phone or get letters. Hermione wrote twice a week, always with instructions to send back Teddy photos, and Ron normally scrawled something on the back. Luna sent him odd smoking packages that he had to sign for once a month full of herbs of some sort, and Mr Weasley, ecstatic to have some reason to use international muggle post, sent him random Ministry memos in envelopes covered in stamps every couple of weeks.

favourite bit? changes every time i read it. i love ginny cutting potatoes and cutting herself by accident. also harry hitting the swan. also the closer, where harry realises hes about to be on a plane for hours while ginny makes fun of him. basically, i like any bit where harry potter and ginny weasley are making each other laugh

thanks for reading this fic by the way, i love it lots and i love harry james potter very much. thinking about him through this fic was a joy

[sarahjkl82-blog]

Artistic Instinct Chapter 10

Header thanks to the lovely @yespolkadotkitty

Summary: Marcus Pike and OC Anushka Pierce have been selected to work on a 5 eyes (Australia, Canada, NZ, the UK and US) intelligence team to track down art forgeries as a part of taking down an international white terrorism cell. Marcus is trying to escape his broken heart, Anushka is just trying to escape what the world expects of her.

Word count: 6500

Warnings: Language as always, grief, loss and some second base action.

Pairing: Marcus Pike x reader (OC)

This comes with a MASSIVE THANK YOU to the lovely @yespolkadotkitty , who reads, re-reads, points out the constant flipping between tenses and gave me the confidence to try to write something. This is the first thing I have written since angsty poetry as a teenager. Apologies if it is shit!

May the flowers remind us why the rain was so necessary - Xan Oku

Chapter 10

Your eyes fly open - heart pounding, mouth dry- as the nighttime movie that played behind your eyelids finishes abruptly. Hugging your arms around yourself, you try to steady the impact of that injection of adrenaline into your veins, drawing deep breaths into your lungs as you gaze into the oil slick of darkness surrounding you. The sounds of day are yet to kick into being as your phone screen illuminates 03:02 - the trains not yet pulling out of their sidings, sirens still silenced for the most part. The night air is just punctuated by the rhythmic pitter patter of rain upon the roof and the sweetest little snores still rising steadily from your…

Your boss.

For fucks sake.

Once could be called a mistake, even if it was a twelve year long one. But back doing this shit again? Sheer fucking stupidity. Your head drops into your hands as a stab of pain cuts through your gut. What the fuck do you do now? Marcus so honestly put his heart on a platter for you last night- could you be the cold hearted, callous bitch that throws it back in his face? All of your body fizzes with fear - your muscles twitching with the cortisol so rather than irritate him with your fidgeting, you slide out of his bed.

Bare soles on the night-cooled wooden floors help to ground your flighty soul as you walk around the unfamiliar apartment. Whilst the exterior dampness can only come as far as pretty patterns on the window pane, the chill causes tiny pinprick goosebumps to stand proud against your skin. You finally settle cross-legged on the floor by the French doors leading out to the balcony, watching the raindrops race each other down the glass - mentally cheering on your favourites as they glide towards the inky pools gathering beneath them.

With your mind so lost in your new-found sport, you aren’t entirely aware of the arrival of a warm, breathing blanket that curls itself around your body languidly before you are tightly encircled by long limbs and gentle nuzzling into the side of your neck, “What’s up, honey?”

A small, precious kiss is pressed into your temple before the sleep-thick murmur continues in your ear, “Thought you’d left. So happy to find you here.”

Leaning back into his broad chest, you allow the expanse of his form that is wrapped around you to consume your body whole, “Bad dream. Couldn’t get back to sleep and didn’t want to wake you.”

“‘M sorry,” Marcus slides you slightly to his left so he can search your face for the answers that you are so incredibly reluctant to give, “Your heart is racing - do you want to talk or just have things that will make you feel better?”

Initially, you don’t feel able to catch his gaze, having thought about breaking his heart only minutes prior to his soothing arrival but when you do, everything hits you like a ton of bricks. The deep pillow creases of his cheek, sweetly mussed up hair and the earthy hues of his questioning eyes make your fist fly to cover your eyes as your tears echo the deluge of rain.

He doesn’t speak. Just holds you close. Cradling you in his arms as your body shakes into his. Marcus allows you to sit with your pain awhile - not pressuring you to speak or offering any empty platitudes to solve it- allowing the hurricane of grief to rip through you, all the while tethering you to the ground.

As the tears exhaust themselves, Marcus leaves and your eyes dance in panic at the loss of his soothing touch. The relief of hearing his kettle start to boil and then the gentle roar of taps filling a tub, stretch a ghostly pair of arms back around you, soothing the ache beneath your ribs. A hand reaches down to you offering a way out - gently hoisting you back onto your feet.

“C’mere sweetheart,” Marcus pulls you back into his chest, pressing a line of kisses along your hairline, “I’ve made you a cup of camomile tea and run you a bath.”

He makes to leave you but your haunted eyes and tight grip upon his wrist beg him to stay, “Honey, I don’t want to overstep the mark here. I’m sorry that I asked you to stay. Overwhelming you like this, isn’t fair of me.”

Trying to eloquently respond to him comes out with just a snotty sad gasp so you vehemently shake your head tugging his hand towards the bathroom. Once inside the metro tiled space - pausing between heaving breaths - you manage to squeak out in your juddery voice, “Please stay with me.”

“Please don’t feel guilty - this is just shit I need to work through,” you mumble as you fiddle with the hem of Marcus’ t-shirt, feeling his skin twitch as you accidentally make contact, “I’m sorry that it’s having a knock on effect for you.”

“You have nothing to apologise for,” he leans in to sweetly kiss your forehead, “I’ll turn around while you get in but I promise not to leave.”

“I don’t care if you see me naked - it’s just a body,” you mutter slightly confused by this sentiment when he’d been stroking your breasts earlier. As you start peeling off the t-shirt you’d borrowed from him, Marcus swings to face the bathroom door quickly.

“No,” the sharpness of Marcus’ response steals the air from your lungs momentarily - you stand in front of him like a rabbit caught in headlights, “I’m sorry, sweetheart - didn’t mean to be so forceful. No - it’s not just a body. It is your body and I wanna enjoy it properly when you’re not so upset. It would be taking advantage.”

Slowly lowering yourself into the delicious expanse of Marcus’ bath, you allow the warmth to soak into your aching bones. The water cocoons and hugs every inch of you as you permit it to unknit every knot of tension within your body.

“You can turn around now.”

A kind smile plays upon the deep creases set by Marcus’ eyes, “Tilt your head back.”

Reaching behind you, he turns on the shower attachment - the water bursting forth in a perfect summer rain across the skin of the bath water. Like a parent with a child, he checks the temperature until it reaches a soothing heat and runs it over your hair, soaking every last strand, washing away the mix of salt from anxious sweat and tears. Dropping the shower head in the bath, he then grabs a generous squirt of shampoo in his hands, lathering it into your scalp, massaging until you feel like a gelatinous blob under his skilful touch.

After rinsing every last bubble and sud from your hair, Marcus then squeezes out some conditioner - the bottle releasing the most indecent sound that has you both giggling like small children. Having coated his digits well, he starts to run his fingers through your hair - combing every strand with his hands, ensuring there isn’t a single knot to be found. A gentle finger beneath your chin tells you to tip your head back again as the shower rinses the excess away.

Settling back on the plush bath mat, Marcus passes you your tea silently and you just sit. Sit there in companionable silence - without an ounce of awkwardness- just both sipping tea as your body gradually accepts its need to sleep again.

✪✪✪✪✪

“Give me two minutes and I’ll be ready,” Marcus gazes softly after your disappearing form as you spin into your bedroom to get dressed for work. It takes every bit of gentlemanly restraint that he possesses not to follow you, run his hands over your silken skin and get a hit of your delicious taste. Instead he re-settles his mind by looking around your flat having finally been allowed a peek inside your inner sanctum.

He doesn’t quite know what he expects to see but it certainly isn’t this. It feels an odd mix in there- piles of cushions and blankets but no photos. No pictures decorating the place yet multiple empty frames propped against walls, waiting for their stories to be told. Your home isn’t really a home at all - it is just a roof over your head with nests for you to curl into exhaustedly.

“Have you been here long?” he asks quizzically, spying the battered moving boxes that have obviously been rummaged through for a missing necessary nick-nack or two but never having been fully unpacked. Marcus runs his hand over the coarse, corrugated cardboard and light spattering of dust coating them, wondering what secrets you wish to keep hidden in there and if you will ever open fully to him, to allow him to lighten your load.

“Almost two years,” he hears you muffledly answer through the jumper you pull over your head as you momentarily reappear in the doorway of your bedroom - a vision of radiantly soft curves- just knickers and a mess of limbs arguing with the item of clothing, before your breasts get hidden under the striped knitwear.

As much as Marcus tries to stop himself, his body takes the required steps forward so that his fingers can be satiated with the warmth of your skin. He doesn’t kiss you yet - the heat of his breath just dusts the shell of your ear as he inhales the scent of his shampoo in your hair.

“Look at you,” he murmurs - shaking his head in disbelief as he grabs your wrists and pulls you into him, “Beautiful.”

Using the back of his hand to release the hair caught in the collar of your jumper, Marcus takes a moment to drink in all your features. The flecks of gold in your eyes, the sharpness of your cheekbones, the streaks of wisdom in your hair - how were you, the beauty that you are, interested in him?

And then you’re kissing him. Your mouth open, soft lips inviting him into your inner sanctum. He feels your fingertips stroking into the nape of his neck, your nails scratching into the hair that twists and curls there. Shivers of pleasure run down Marcus’ spine, making him pull you closer as your touch sparks life across his body. Your gentle push causes Marcus to startle - to stumble backwards, falling back onto the sofa, sending cushions scuttling across the floor.

Feeling his jaw tic as you clamber into a kneeling position above him, Marcus tries to steady his breath by focussing on the small details of you. The darker spots of pigmentation where the sun has permanently kissed your skin. The divots of your collarbones just peeking above your sweater. The small reminder of a childhood misadventure just above your right eyebrow.

Nope. This is not working. God, I want her.

“Lower those goddamn hips,” he growls, “Sit down.”

“I can’t,” he hears you whimper, eyes shut tight, “I’ll make a mess of your trousers.”

Marcus groans as he considers the sweetness that is encased by those bright pink, lace edged panties - still not quite believing that it is him who has had this effect on you. When you grab his hands that have been stroking little circles by your knees and pull them to your ass, the heat in him rises as he squeezes and needles the delicious flesh beneath.

“This is gonna be hard having you work so close,” as soon as he hears the words leave his mouth, he regrets it. The little twitch between your eyebrows. The tremble of your bottom lip. The slight shift back of your weight upon his lap. Marcus catches them all.

“I’m sorry. Nush, I shouldn’t have…”

As your weight rocks back away from him, leaving his body quickly cooling with your absence, the air is punctuated with your muttering of one word over and over. Each utterance a bullet coated in guilt hitting him sharply.

“Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.”

Scrunching his eyes tight shut, he rocks forward, head in hands. Should he come after you? Should he leave? Fuck, Pike.

Hearing the creak of your bedroom door, Marcus lifts his head in your direction - his eyes throwing a million apologies to you, “Nush, I’m so sorry - I didn’t mean to upset you. That’s the last thing that I’d ever want to do.”

He watches as you walk across the floor - smaller shuffling steps rather than your usual confident stomp, your eyes red-rimmed and glassy and your breathing a little jagged - and feels like he’s just crushed a butterfly in his hands when all he was trying to do was appreciate its beauty. Water starts to pool in the corners of his eyes as he blinks hard to warn them off - after all, he didn’t need to give you any other reason to walk away from him. A small grateful smile creeps across his face when you settle between his knees, resting your arms across his lap - your tear-streaked face looking up at him.

“I’m frightened,” he hears you whisper, “Repeating past mistakes is sheer fucking stupidity.”

Marcus freezes, the blood in his veins turning to ice as he awaits your verdict.

“I can’t do that again. You cannot become another Jasper to me. The relationship that never was with all the hiding.”

“I don’t want us to hide,” he hears his voice betraying him as fear courses through his synapses, his hands aching to touch you. Hold you.

Please don’t let me lose her.

Please don’t let this be it.

“Can I touch you?” Marcus quietly, carefully checks before daring to reach out. He watches as a cloud of confusion washes across your face at his request.

“Of course you can. What? Hang on, did you think,” you pause, brow furrowed, “Did you think I want to stop whatever this turns out to be?”

With his shoulders slightly hunched, one hand reaching behind to rub the base of his neck, Marcus nods, “Yeah, a bit. I…”

“I don’t wanna fuck this up, Nush,” he reaches forward to stroke your wrist.

“Me neither, but we will,” your words take a moment to register with him, “We have both experienced so much - good and bad - that we will put our proverbial foot in it with each other.

“But, I hope that in time, with our collective pasts and the streaks of grey in our hair, we may also slowly learn how to communicate and say when things are a bit shit for us and why. Why my instinct is to run screaming from things and why you think everyone you love is going to leave.”

Marcus curls forward so he can rest his forehead against yours before placing a small kiss there, “Now you’re really gonna have to be two minutes if we’re gonna get to work on time. I’m just gonna shut my eyes until you’re dressed so I’m not tempted to make us late.”

“You think that’ll work?”

Chuckling at the wink you throw at him over your shoulder, Marcus starts to allow that tiny ray of hope he’s been burying for years to shine again.

✪✪✪✪✪

As Marcus opens the door for you, an overwhelming wave assaults your senses. Noises from tapping keyboards, phones ringing and computers blaring, the overwhelming scents of fatty, sugary yet discarded breakfasts and coffee hits hard but it’s the tiny, surreptitious stroke at the base of your spine gives you the kick you need to go in and start your day. A steaming coffee is thrust towards Marcus behind you and some case files are handed to you by a smiling Andy, “Morning Sir, morning Nush. What time did you manage to get cleared up?”

“Between the two of us, it didn’t take too long,” you grin at the PA before looking over your shoulder to find Marcus smiling at you, “Think I was asleep by eleven.”

“Snoring away,” Marcus barely audibly whispers, making your eyes widen.

“Ready for the meeting at nine o’clock, Sir? I have everything set up in the conference room, ready to go…” Andy sweeps Marcus away from you as you head over to your desk, spying the hot cup of Java awaiting your arrival.

New piles of paperwork seem to litter your desk, replacing the ones you’d tried so hard to clear on Friday afternoon. Office life. That it is a life is a bit of a lie, as every soul within your office space looks like it is in some stage of decomposition. Kiri appears to be in need of another weekend to get over the two days of rest just gone, Dian is yawning into her coffee and as for Harper, well, there’s a part of you that doesn’t quite believe she’s fully human with the way she’s already ploughing through her work.

When 9am finally rolls around, it feels more like two in the afternoon. Marcus sticks his head out of the door to call everyone into the meeting and is met by several groans from the team as they reluctantly shake themselves from their chairs and drag their Monday fatigued bones towards the conference room. At the oval, walnut table, you sit sandwiched between Dian and Kiri, directly opposite Andy in a hopefully not too obvious ploy to not be too close to Marcus.

“Good morning everyone, I’d ask you if you’d all had a good weekend but I think we spent enough time together to know that we all did,” a chuckle rises from your office mates as Marcus welcomes everyone, “I wanted to have a catch up this morning as the Soutine that Agent Pierce and I checked in Lyon, has come back as a definite fake. The verdict was reached late Friday afternoon and the French authorities are currently trying to trace its origins.

“We also received word this morning that a Modigliani has turned up in Sotheby’s - they have their own art fraud team but hopefully we will get a look in soon. Agent Pierce, I know I haven’t asked you to prep but could you explain to the team what the issues are around his work?”

“Sotheby’s?” you question, staring straight at Marcus and entirely ignoring his request, “I can get in there now as my best mate works in the fraud team.”

“Hephzibah?” Andy catches your eye, “Didn’t realise she’d transferred over from Scotland Yard.”

“More money,” you shrug as Andy presses his lips together and nods in agreement.

“No, Agent Pierce, I’d like us to hang back for now,” Marcus responds, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair, “If you could give us some of your insight about Modigliani’s pieces, please?”

Slightly taken aback by Marcus’ firmness, you take a moment before responding, “Modigliani’s back catalogue is a fucking mess as he used to give out sketches like a fortune teller.

“Jean Cocteau said that he was drawn by Modigliani roughly fifty times but he only ever owned one picture. Prices have skyrocketed over the past decade with one going for $170.4 million dollars so he’s very much a member of the $100 million club along with Warhol, Picasso et al but not quite at their ethereal prices.

“One of the main things about Modigliani is that the love of the man is not easily separated from his art. Over the years, he has been painted as somewhat Byronesque in his exploits by salacious biographies and films - very much sex and drugs and rock n roll. A bohemian who lived in Montparnasse and Montmartre at the Fin de Siecle - he was known by all the artists who lived there at the time - Picasso even said he was the only man in Paris who knew how to dress.

“To be honest, whilst he was hot - soulful dark eyes, ebony, wavy hair and a beautiful bone structure with an extraordinary amount of intelligence and eloquence-”

“Ah, so you have a type?” Harper mutters into her notes.

Your cheeks flush and eyes dart around the room, hoping that Marcus didn’t hear that as you desperately try to summon a consummate professional performance for the others, “-It is hugely difficult to separate the man from the myth but the main issue due to his profligacy with his art, unlike the other greats who get over $100 million for their work, Modigliani’s work is often questioned. You could easily find a Modigliani in an attic with a letter attached from the man himself and people would still raise an eyebrow at it.

“So, um, the main thing according to all the auction houses is that unless it is in the catalogue curated by Ceroni, it ain’t a Modigliani. This is problematic in itself as that was published in 1958 and even some of the pieces on his list are questionable. People have ended up in prison over their dubious dealings with Modigliani’s back catalogue as you can see in the case of Parisot.

“So if a piece comes to auction that isn’t on the list, they’re damned if it is a Modigliani, and damned if it isn’t?” Dian questions you.

“Pretty much. And he worked at a time when a lot of advances and changes happened in artist’s products. In the first half of the twentieth century, both the production of paint and paper changed massively as everything was slowly more industrialised and made more stable. By industrialising these things, it made the equipment cheaper quicker as more could use it rather than being made Etsy-style in tiny batches that were way beyond the means of most artists.

“Normally, with older pieces we can look at how the artists use paints and the type of paints they use but with more modern artists everything becomes a bit murkier as it is harder to date. And I will stop there before I piss off Harper by rabbiting on too much more.”

Even Harper has the decency to smirk at your comment before returning to her notes. Marcus’s gaze has softened again as you finish speaking, “ Thanks, Agent Pierce. Perhaps we could hear from you now Agent Gleason and Youngerson?”

Harper raises her eyebrows in Marcus’ direction before starting, “So, Agent Youngerson and I have been looking at various right wing groups currently active across the world and what their links are to the art world. The main ones who have thrown up scents for us to chase are The Old School Society, Hydra and The Order.”

Dian looks up from her pad of extensive notes, “Yeah, we've been tracing money routes with those three and when looking at the main donors to these groups, they’ve all had dealings with art galleries and auction houses recently. So we’re now looking into each donor carefully and may need to do some in the field meetings with them as prospective buyers - so my darling work wife, Nush, we may need notes unless you fancy being our cover girl?” she comically winks at you. Making a little heart with your index finger and thumb, you send an equally cheesy wink and click of the tongue back at her.

Marcus huffs a chuckle out at the two of you before turning his attention to Kiritopa, “How have you been getting on with your catalogue of fakes relating to this case?”

“Yeah, alright - slow going collecting all the data as it seems some auction houses are reluctant to reveal how many fakes pass through their doors,” Kiri frowns before glugging some more coffee.

“It’s understandable, they don’t want their reputations dashed. Doesn’t make our work any easier though. Agent Morrison - if you can show me what you’ve compiled so far that’d be great,” Marcus gives the agent a small, sincere smile before turning to address the room again, “Right, I have a meeting this afternoon that’ll keep me out of the office for the rest of the day so I’ll leave you all to get on. Have a great day everyone.”

✪✪✪✪✪

You:

Hey sexy lady, I hear you’ve got a tasty little number at S’s - can I take a look?

Hephzi:

Off the books? Course you can. Change into civvies and I’ll get you in this afternoon.

You:

You’re a fucking ⭐️. I’ll make it worth your while

Hephzi:

Do you mean cake and coffee? Because if you do, I’m fucking yours.

You:

Urm obviously! See you around two?

A small knock on your desk makes you put down your phone and you look up into Marcus’ face, “Hey, you got a minute?”

“Yes, Sir,” as you push your chair away from your desk, you throw your mobile in your desk drawer and follow him into his office.

His desk is immaculately tidy and warm to the touch with its honey and caramel tones washing back and forth in undulating waves as if across a beach. There’s not a hint of Marcus in his office yet - no personal treasures - it stands in stark contrast to the warmth of the man you’re getting to know.

“I just wanted to check you were ok. I heard what Harper said,” he reaches out to straighten the ribbing at the bottom of your jumper, his thumb stroking your tummy lightly.

“She’s not wrong,” you grin lopsidedly at him as you step in closer, placing your hands on either side of his face, “Dark soulful eyes, beautifully high cheekbones, delightfully luscious lips that are perfect for kissing - hard not to fancy Modigliani, really.”

“You’re mean,” Marcus squeezes your hip as he shakes his head, “When would you like to speak to the others? I think being up front with them will help us in the long run.”

You sit on the edge of his desk, leaning back slightly, your face illuminated by your smile, “Maybe we can have our first date and then think about the long run?”

When you see the flinch from Marcus, a pang of guilt echoes through your gut as you recall your earlier conversation, “I think you’re right- once we’re truly confident we know where this is headed, we should speak up. I am not going to lose my job or risk my reputation for you… but I also already know that I don’t want to lose you either.”

“Me neither,” his hand reaches out for you, fingers entangling, thumbs stroking - eyes crinkling as they meet yours, “What are you doing for lunch?”

“Well, I was a bit distracted when I got dressed this morning - there was this really hot guy in my flat…”

“Uh huh, tell me about him,” Marcus slowly drawls, looking down at you amusedly.

“Oh you don’t want to know, Sir. Wouldn’t let me get dressed. Just kept groping me.”

“How... inappropriate of him.”

“Yeah - so I was almost late to work because of him wanting his wicked way with me and accidentally ended up putting on two different shoes.” Marcus steps away from you and having looked down, notices the one extremely dark navy and one black ballet pump with a gently shaking chest as he tries to swallow his chuckle.

“Going home to change? Your mind really must have been elsewhere,” you nod at him -slightly embarrassed by your initial genuine mistake that has now become a cover story. His gaze intensifies as he cups your face, his eyes focussing on your lips, “I’m sorry honey, I don’t think I’ll have time to drop you there and back before my meeting - will you be ok?”

“Of course, Marcus - I’ve worked here for years,” you tease him, feeling awkward as fuck when the half truth you are spinning for your boss feels awkward and bitter in your mouth.

But his kiss doesn’t. Marcus quickly closes the gap between the two of you, leaning towards you - his head tilted, lips soft and welcoming with their desire for you utterly apparent. Deepening the kiss, his mouth gently opening, tongue searching as his hands drop from your face to your waist, you find yourself forgetting to worry that anyone could walk in. Forgetting the regret of lying to him. What had you even been talking about? Should you be doing this? Fuck it. You pull him the final distance so that no air could pass between you - just you and Marcus refusing to pause for breath until your lungs run out of air.

Pulling back to gaze at him with lust blown pupils, wanting him so much more, you eventually find the energy to push away from him. Swiping at your lips with your thumb in case anyone spots the remnants of this moment as you walk towards the door on brand new baby deer legs.

“Hey Nush,” you swing back to look at Marcus, still standing, equally dumbstruck as you, before he winks with a cheeky grin, “Nice shoes.”

✪✪✪✪✪

Gripping the cardboard carrier that holds two steaming cups of black coffee in your left hand, you ring the bell to the magnificent Bloomsbury building that has sold multiple pieces of multi-million pound art. The Georgian façade is impressive in its structure and beautifully kept without a sign of peeling paint, decrying its almost 250 year history - a far cry from the shatterproof glass and steel at HQ. Hephzi opens the door to you with a wide grin upon her face, “Bang on time, missus - I swear the only way to get you places quickly, is with the promise of fine art to get you salivating!”

You can’t really respond eloquently to her as you are absorbed into the cool of the elegant building. Whilst kept modern and minimalistic, the space has retained some of its more charming period features - the cornicing and ceiling roses are still firmly in place despite the stark white of the walls. Oh, the pieces that have passed through this space! The very thought makes you tingle all over through excitement.

Currently bedecking the walls are a collection of women artists about to go up for auction the next day. To you, there was no true money in those frames - just a conversation between you, the spectator and the artist about their emotions in picture form. A discussion that spanned centuries as you follow Hephzi’s soft footsteps through the gallery, enjoying every single one from a still life of flowers surrounded by butterflies and other insects by Rachel Ruysch to one of the copies of Blinding by Tracy Emin - the upside down nude female form shaped in neon pink tubes. The artists speak through ages, through the art upon the wall, in the language of your soul.

Marcus would love it here. Oh to bring him and enjoy it together, walking through the space, hand in hand. My head on his shoulder...

“...Hello? Earth to Nushka? Ah, welcome back,” Hephzibah is shaking her head at you, “You’re here on work experience if anyone asks, yes?”

“Yup,” still only half listening to your friend, you begrudgingly continue on to her workspace in the fraud and forgeries department, reluctantly walking away from the art you long to submerge yourself in.

“Right, hand over the coffee and cake- I take payment in advance, Madam,” Hephzi demands, hand outstretched, “So tell me about the new job. What’s your new boss like?”

“Marcus is nice,” you quietly offer into the rim of your coffee.

“First names already?” Hephzibah’s eyes are round with surprise, “And you mention him before the job… Who even are you? What have you done with the real Nush? Oh! Oh Nush, do you like him?”

You stand there blinking hard, feeling an absolute idiot for being so awkward in front of the person you call your best friend. A small, barely perceivable nod through the steam of your coffee has the arms of your best friend wrapped around you, “Nush, tell me more - has anything happened? Do you think he feels the same way?”

“I think so. Made a curry last night for the team at his flat, and ended up staying the night - nothing happ.. Well, we didn’t have sex but I think he likes me,” you nervously chatter at her before drawing a deep breath, “He’s pretty fucking amazing. Seems to be genuinely a nice guy - just straight talking, gentle, kind and holy shit is he good looking! His kisses and touches just turn me into fucking jelly.”

“Better than Jas?”

Your heart thuds in your chest so hard that there is a point where you fully expect it to wrench open your rib cage and run across the floor. You stare wide-eyed, your mouth open

“What?”

Hephzi steps forward, her gaze gentle as she places her hand on your arm, “You weren’t quite as good at hiding it as you thought you were. It was pretty obvious you were together and loved each other very dearly - I just knew that if I ever brought it up that you would run a mile.

“I tried telling you that I knew before. It was after he died and I wanted you to know that I knew it wasn’t just the death of a co-worker. Not that there’s ever any just in those situations for us either but I knew. When I asked about meeting someone the other day, it was more of me just trying to figure out if you were ready to date again.”

With that, the floodgates open and the grief flows you like a river, eroding your defences away. Hephzi holds you as you utterly soak through her expensive blouse, “I wanted to tell you so many times but I was terrified of what you’d think of me.”

“What I’d think of you - are you fucking kidding me, you absolute idiot?” she tucks your tear drenched hair behind your ears, “I’ve held your hair back in pub toilets as you’ve thrown up from too much alcohol and gotten you out of so many other scrapes but that, a relationship with a man from work is what you think I’d judge you for? Nah, that's not how any of this works, mate. Firstly, you can’t help who you fall in love with and secondly, where else are you ever going to meet someone when all you do is work?”

“N...N...Need a tissue. You made me get all snotty,” you tearfully stammer, all blotchy-face and tear streaked.

Hephzi can’t help but laugh at you blaming her for your tears. As she grabs a tissue, she also grabs the cake and the serviettes from the bag, “Come on, I know what’ll cheer you up - cake and a masterpiece.”

Following her into the studio beside her office, there it is. A supposedly lost version of Modigliani’s Nu Couché sur le Côté Gauche - her sheer sensuality rolling off her in waves. The way that she gazes out of the piece beguilingly, inviting you to join her on the bed, the sheets ruffled and rolling beneath her delicious curves.

Hephzi laughs at your reaction to the piece, “She’s hot isn’t she?”

“Yep - I’d definitely do her. I’d like to say that it is her almond eyes enticing me but really, it’s that entirely biteable bum,” you say before biting into the pastel de nata.

“Agreed - although for me, it’s her back and her thighs. They are edible - as you rightly say,” she says into her coffee.

“How’s the provenance?”

Hepzhi pulls a face as she turns back to you, “Traceable, but this one isn’t in Ceroni.”

“Shit.”

“My thoughts entirely. Look, love, I can’t let you touch it but feel free to take photos, measurements etc. As soon as my own tests come back, I promise you’ll know before the guys upstairs do,” Hephzibah asserts before sitting back on the desk in the room, “Just remember, you’re here on work experience.”

You throw a thank you over your shoulder at the rapidly retreating figure of Hepzi as you set to work. Using a Canon with a macro lens, you instantly photograph the major features and then take several overlapping pictures so that you can look close up on your computer at work. Whilst not quite a microscope, it would have to do given the circumstances. You trusted Hephzi’s sample taking but it was good to see it in person, even if Marcus had asked you to hold fire.

Whilst you were taking measurements of various points and aspects of the picture, you realised there were multiple footsteps coming up the corridor. Hephzi, obviously heard them gaining on the studio too and rejoined you, to back the story of work experience rather than letting her old friend backstage for some covert readings. She threw her notebook at you with a pencil to have the pretence of you taking notes as she worked.

“Well, Hephzibah, that is the first time I’ve ever seen you entrust your beloved notebook with anyone other than yourself. You have never even shown me the secrets you record there, and I am the person paying your salary,” a truly plummy voice cut through the room, “Whoever this work experience girl is, we will have to see about hiring her if you trust her this much.”

Hephzibah plasters a smile onto her features, “Sir, she is the best I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. Such a keen eye.”

Refusing to turn around, you carry on making notes in Hephzi’s journal, attempting to concentrate on the words written in front of you, instead of the intrusion.

“So what d’ya think? On first impressions, is it real?”

Shit.

That voice.

Stepping up in response, Hephzibah firmly states, “Sir, I am terribly sorry but I am not currently at liberty to be able to fully disclose that info…”

“Oh no, it is quite alright, Hephzibah - this gentleman is Marcus Pike. He is currently fronting an investigation into white terrorism and art forgeries with 5 Eyes. One of your old lot, you know,” Hephzibah’s boss winks as if he was letting her in on the national secrecy act.

“Marcus Pike?” Hephzi shoots you a surreptitious look before the smile is back, “A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Sir. Shame we haven’t crossed paths before now.”

Marcus offers his hand in greeting to Hephzibah, “I hope we can put that right in the future. I was wondering if we could hear from your work experience person. I am always open to fresh eyes.”

Dread courses through your veins as you turn towards Marcus, not wanting to look him in the face, “It would be remiss of me to make a declaration without reading through and tracking back the provenance as well as undertaking the necessary infrared and paint samples.”

“Sensible,” Marcus nods, his face not betraying a single emotion.

Your face creases at his lack of response, something that Hephzi’s boss picks up on, “Are you alright, dear? You don’t look terribly well.”

“Sudden headache, sir. I should probably get going for today anyway,” you virtually throw Hephzi’s notebook at her before grabbing your bag, “Thank you for today, I will be in touch, Hephzibah.”

Running out of the building as fast as your feet and lungs can carry you, you feel your phone buzz in your pocket.

Sir Agent Marcus Pike:

Hey,

We need to talk. My office at 5?

You:

...

Tag list of glory (as ever, please ask to be put on or dropped from the list): @astroboots @silverwolf319 @sirowsky @leonieb @disgruntledspacedad @bison-writes @the-ginger-hedge-witch @danniburgh @day-off-inkyoto @green-socks @tardisfangurl @absurdthirst @mrsparknuts @zukoyonce @yespolkadotkitty @lunaserenade @theravenreads @honestly-shite @sharkbait77 @lawfulgranola @agirllovespancakes @theravenreads @lv7867 @ezrasbirdie @songsformonkeys

[thr-333]

I got this request story idea where quirkless deku doesn't want to be a hero anymore because of bullying that he got from bakugou and wrong saying that he got from all might. So deku decides is a backpacker, travelling around the world experiencing cultures, food, quirks!!! He has even a YouTube account where talk about his travels, meet new people and talk about their quirks.

Here you go @sweetizukufan its set in nz like  you wanted :D

Ochako flopped onto her bed and groaned into a pillow. She didn’t have the right to complain, she knew that. She had been one of thousands of applicants to pass the entrance exam and for the past three years her classmates had been training just as hard as she had. And truthfully she didn’t want to complain. It was her final year at UA. It was only a matter of months until she was officially a hero her dream since a child and she was excited for it!

That didn't change the fact Aizawa had upped their training the last few months. The days got longer the work harder and quite frankly it left her with virtually zero free time. Whenever she tried voicing her thoughts she’d be met by her well meaning, but overly enthusiastic classmates encouraging her to keep her head up. 

She was! That didn’t mean she had to go through hellish training with a wide smile on her face.

“Ugh,” Ochako rolled over as it got hard to breath with the pillow smothering her. She really did need to get some sleep before waking up at five in the bloody morning tomorrow when she hit the gym. But honestly at this point if she didn’t do something to break up the monotony of training, eating and sleeping she was going to lose it.

She blindly grabbed for her phone. The school had funded getting her a newer model than her old flip phone since that had been a hindrance when she started internships. She was provided with the industry standard which her friends had tested by throwing it out a window, where it hit Bakugou’s head, and was promptly exploded then stomped on. The thing came out of it without a scratch.

She brought up youtube, it’s not like she had any games, let alone time to play them. It was probably a bad sign she had forgotten what channels she liked. With little other option she started scrolling trending with only a small amount of hesitance. She flicked past everything that was clearly clickbait, too childish or both. 

Something caught her eye and Ochako back-pedalled to take a look. It looked like some sort of vlogging channel ‘ARRIVING IN NEW ZEALAND! Auckland sky tower!!!’ was written across the screen. Even with all the caps she didn’t really see how that could be clickbait. Maybe the guy was just excited, she would like to get a holiday like that after all. The image had him smiling at the camera sitting down and below him was nothing, nothing but a street far below. Ochako was embarrassed to say her first thought was that he had some sort of floating quirk before realising he was literally sitting on a window. In her defence she had a float quirk.

Partly embarrassed she clicked on the video why not live her traveling dreams vicariously through a stranger? She used to watch her fair share of travel videos, although those were mostly in tropical places so she could research where to take her parents.

The video started with a shot looking over the wing of a plane, a montage of it starting to land. Ochako was vaguely concerned when all she could see was water out the window but just before touch down the tarmac came into view so it wasn't a surprise crash landing. The camera cut off after a few more seconds panning across the airport as the plane pulled in. The music started to fade out as the shot cut to the same guy as before.

“Hey guys Midoriya here again, just got off an eleven hour flight,” He had no right to look so cheerful at that Ochako had never been on a plane but it didn’t look particularly fun, “And let me tell you I was not prepared for the ordeal that is security here,”

Midoriya’s smile faltered a bit, looking sheepish. He was walking with the camera just outside the airport, people milling around in the background paying him no mind.

“I had no idea it would be that tough, I had an apple I got on the plane in my bag and I thought that would be alright, I got it on the plane after all!” Midoriya didn’t look upset or angry but  he was blushing madly. Ochako cracked a smile at that now that she looked closer he was probably about her age, “But no, I swear I thought they were going to arrest me! They started interrogating me, I had to stutter out that I got it on the plane, but that didn’t stop them they gave me a lecture about protecting the environment and declaring food, luckily I got off without a fine, I think it’s because I looked terrified, because I was,”

Midoriya chuckled rubbing his neck, there was a bang and he looked wideyed to the side the camera shook slightly then cut to another shot the setting slightly off from where it was showing a bit of greenery growing at the air port.

“Sorry dropped my bag,” Ochako giggled at that a bit, more that he had decided to keep that in the video than anything else, “So I thought that was the end of it, but apparently not, they started asking questions about my shoes, ‘have you visited any farms?’ ‘have you worn them hiking at any point?’ stuff like that, so that was a bit of a problem because these are my only pair of shoes in this country and I’m pretty sure they’re gonna incinerate that apple,”

A little graphic of a cartoon apple on fire popped up along with a pair of shoes. A speech bubble followed saying ‘save yourself!’ as the apple’s little chibi face screwed up.

“I promised them that no, I haven’t by the way I wouldn’t lie about this stuff the environment here is super cool and unique I couldn’t live with myself if my dirty shoes killed a forest,” The graphic was gone by now and Midoriya was walking through the airport, “But I handed over all the snacks I had in my bag, even if they were ok to bring in the country I was too anxious to risk it, that seemed to appease the border security and I got away with my shoes in tact, my snacks sacrifice will not be in vain,”

Ochako was tempted to laugh but if someone set fire to her snacks or sweets there would be hell to pay.

“Anyway now I’m hungry and have some time before my hotels check in,” Midoriya beamed at the camera, “So I’m gonna do something I’ve wanted to since planning this trip,”

On that mysterious note the video cut to another montage as Midoriya got into a taxi. Ochako let herself enjoy the sights that rolled out the window. She wished she had a computer to watch this on instead of squinting for details on her phone's screen. The montage went onto show the outside of a store then going inside to pan over all the baked goods inside. It was a smorgasbord that stoked Ochako’s envy.

“Here we are,” Midoriya sat at a table just outside the store a few bags laid out in front of him, “These sorts of bakeries are everywhere in New Zealand, I didn’t look for anywhere specific just one walking distance to my hotel room, and here we are!”

Midoriya took something from a bag showing it to the camera to make out the golden crust of a pie. Going torturously in detail as he ripped it open for the audience's benefit. Steam rose and mince flowed out, surprising Ochako as she thought it would be sweet. Breaking it open made a mess as Midoriya was forced to drop the piping hot pastry. The filling pooled across the bag it had come in making the whole thing look sloppy.

“I think my friend would kill me if she saw me do that, Gemma don’t watch this video,” Midoriya warned to late, “She’s the one who told me I had to try a pie, I have a few flavours here but lets start with the basic one, mince!”

Midoriya had some difficulty eating it now that it had fallen apart but managed and his eyes lit up.

“It’s really good, the pastry is flaky and buttery it works really well with the savoury mince the two together make a really satisfying bite, but I guess it would be better if I didn’t destroy it first,” Midoriya said sheepishly, “I won’t do that for the rest of them, promise,”

Midroiya took another bite from the pie before showing off the next one.

“This is Gemma’s favourite Butter Chicken, and trust me it smells so good!” Midoriya, the tease took a bite. Ochako had to wonder what she did to deserve this, “Wow I like this one way better, not that the other one was bad!” Midoriya hurriedly said.

He showed the inside to the camera, a rich looking butter chicken inside.

“It’s really flavourful so you don’t need any sauce that and the texture of the chicken and curry are really complimented by the pie crust,” Izuku took another bite as he talked, “I guess it’s kinda like if Butter Chicken was wrapped up in Nan so there's no way it wouldn’t be good,”

Midoriya talked more as he ate that pie and a steak and cheese one he had brought talking about both until Ochako’s mouth was salivating.

“That’s not nearly all the pie options, but I’ll be touring across New Zealand so this can be an ongoing adventure, now desert!” Midoriya brought out a long bun full of cream, it had a dollop of jam on the top and so much icing sugar Ochako feared for his health. Midoriya however ignored those fears and took a bite anyway, “The buns really soft and the area that the cream’s touched it is just the best texture ever,”

He smiled and there was cream and powder on his cheeks Ochako just knew was going to haunt her until he wiped it off.

“This entire thing is just, ‘ok how can we make this as soft as possible,” Midoriya commented getting closer to the middle of the bun where the bit of jam was, “The raspberry, I think? Jam is really good at breaking up the flavour half way through, now I can eat the rest of it,” Midoriya grinned as he finished it off. He started walking around again waiting for his check in to arrive. That didn't seem to bother him as he pointed out things on the street as he walked.

As he did, Ochako saw someone blatantly jump over the street instead of waiting for the lights. There was another person in the background who casually strolled across the side of a building, feet sticking to it somehow. While people would use their quirks on the street all the time they were usually less obvious about it as police would sometimes call them out and it did depend quirk to quirk. Midoriya zoomed in on a few of these people before it focused on him smiling as he walked.

“New Zealands got pretty cool laws around quirk usage,” He explained, clearly having done his research, enthusiastically by the looks of it, “You have to go through some basic training to prove you can control your quirk, at least so you wont hurt anyone after that you get a license and your free to use your quirk, like I island,” That Ochako thought was cool part of her training had pointed out that some situations heroes were called in for weren't always villain attacks but some public quirk usage gone south, “It’s pretty easy to get by the sounds of it but that does all depend on what your quirk may be,”

The shot cut a bit, Ochako assumed he had rambled on about that for a bit and decided to cut that part.

“In terms of heroes from what I’ve researched the police handle most of that, they’re trained in their quirks kinda like hero schools back in Japan but starting at university not highschool,” That made sense Ochako supposed, and they’d probably have more time to master their quirks too, “There’s a few heroes sure, they’re like a branch of the police department and I think there's a departmental separation between rescue and combat heroes,”

Was she privately pleased he had listed rescue heroes first? Yes, yes she was.

“But honestly there aren’t many, they seem more like the people you call in for really big stuff going on, or international relations, it makes sense the population of New Zealand isn’t all that big,” Midoriya rounded the corner someone made a peace sign at the camera before moving on, “Almost half the population is here in Auckland and the whole country hasn’t reached the five million mark yet, thats crazy to me considering Japan’s population is in the hundred million range and it’s only slightly bigger than New Zealand,”

That did seem insane to Ochako, not sure to be smug about that fact or not.

“So that's probably why heroes are less of a thing here but that doesn't mean it’s all not still really cool,” Midoriya was beaming at the camera, his positivity and enthusiasm practically punching her through the screen, “I’ve rambled enough, it’s about check in time I’ll show you guys where I’ll be staying,”

Midoriya gave a quick tour of his hotel room. It wasn't much, more of a backpackers than anything.

“It’s not big I know but I’ll only be staying here for a few days to explore Auckland then I’m off traveling so a large place wasn't really a worry,” Midoriya flopped down on the bed, bouncing slightly as he hit the mattress, “I’m gonna take a nap because I am exhausted,” His tone betrayed nothing, “But stick around because I’ve got a surprise this afternoon- well I probably put it in the title anyway so it’s not a surprise but it’s still going to be cool, See ya,” Midoriya saluted the camera and it faded to black for a few seconds.

When it came back to light it was an image looking up at a tall tower circling around it and entering the building next to it. There was a continuous shot that was sped up as he walked through the line entering an elevator which literally had a glass floor.

“Wo-” The camera was pointed down at Midoriya's shoes as he hesitated to stand on the glass patch. His foot made contact before he quickly stepped back, “Nope, no, nope,”

Ochako laughed and sank back into her bed. The elevators opened and there was a shot of large windows showing the expanse of the city. The footage sped up as Midoriya did a clean circle around the tower showing it was a loop to give a 360 degree view of Auckland. It was pretty with rolling hills and she could see forests at the edge of it. Honestly it was small compared to the cities she was used to but that made sense given what Midoriya had said earlier.

“Look at this,” The footage went back to normal speed as Midoriya focused on a chart comparing the heights of different towers, “It’s half as tall as the sky tree,”

And that was given the giant antenna on the top.

“Come check this out it’s pretty cool,” Midoriya walked down the steps until he was right next to the window, a few steps more and he came to a patch in the floor that was just glass like the elevator. Midoriya noticeably stood back from it, “It says here that the glass is just as thick and strong on the floor, so reasonably logically,” Ochako snorted, “It should be just the same as walking on the floor… they say that but…”

Midoriya switched the camera around to focus on him, looking a bit pale.

“This might shock you but I’m not really a fan of heights,” He shuddered and shook himself out, “Alright I can do this,”

What followed was a frankly painful process that Ochako couldn't help but laugh at. Midoriya would approach the glass before backing off. He set the camera up on the railing so it looked down enough that she could see the glass and street below. Midoriya tried a bunch of stuff like walking up without looking down. That didn't work and he backed out several meters before he had even reached the glass thinking he was standing on it. He tried to sit down and scoot onto it but couldn't manage more than sitting far from the edge and putting his feet on it. Ochako started howling with laughter when a kid came by running up and jumping on the glass while Midoriya looked on with fear like they were mad.

Midoriya at least had a humor about it. 2D sketches drawn over the video to help exaggerate his struggle and the entire thing filmed rather comically.

Ochako was beginning to believe he had photoshopped the image earlier before he grabbed the camera taking a deep shuddering breath.

“I can do this, I promise I can do this,” He sat down and shuffled back cringing all the way. Ochako found herself strangely proud as Midoriya actually made it onto the glass. He was white knuckled reaching up to hold the railing. He smiled shakily at the camera before turning into a more genuine look of triumph. That was until he quickly rolled off it jumping to his feet and scurrying away, “There! Done! I did it!”

He was smiling brightly now and Ochako couldn't deny she was proud of him. She had struggled herself with heights something she was forced to get over to use her quirk so she knew just how hard that can be.

“Gosh I hope that's easier than what I’m about to do,” Midoriya spun around to show a different window wires running outside and inside a countdown that was about to hit one. It did and there was a blur outside Ochako belatedly realised it was a person. Oh no.

“Now I’m not going to do that but I am going to do something pretty cool,” Ochako blew a sigh of relief but also wanted to hit him for scaring her like that. Under no circumstances should he be jumping off buildings.

They lapsed into another montage Midoriya going back downstairs. This time he had the courage to put a foot on the window in the elevator. Downstairs he went into another area donning a coat and sort of jumpsuit before layering harnesses over the top. He went up an elevator with a few other people this time. They stepped out into another room Midoriya carefully keeping the window out of frame to keep the grand reveal. Their harnesses got latched on and secured to a railing. Once everything was safe the doors pushed open revealing Auckland city, this time not hidden behind glass. 

Midoriya skipped over the likely long process of gaining the courage to go outside cutting instead to him smiling with the city at his back and wind whipping through his hair.

“Welcome to the top!” Midoriya yelled over the wind, the audio quality was bad but that was understandable. She felt worse for Midoriya who was smiling through the fear, “It’s really cold and windy up here and I’m scared!”

“Just go back down you idiot,” Ochako huffed fondly as he kept shouting to be heard over the wind.

“I’m kinda afraid of dropping my camera honestly,” Midoriya laughed but she couldn't hear it, instead he pointed in to a few specific spots across the city, “See those hills? Most of those are actually remnants of volcanoes, you see Aucklands kinda built on top of a giant pit of Magma,”

Midoriya quickly grabbed back onto the railing, slowly shuffling along the sky walk, higher than he had been inside.

“Luckily the volcanoes in this area are dormant, cause if one in this area erupts there's a pretty good chance like 50 more are gonna follow,”

Midoriya stayed up there for a little longer pointing out interesting things in the distance. Ochako could safely say she was glad when he cut back to the bottom of the sky tower. His hair was windswept and cheeks red from windchill. Ochako didn't even need to check the comments to know most of them were gushing about how cute he was.

“That was… terrifying, but I’m glad I did it, who thinks I should try skydiving next?” Midoriya grinned, before his face dropped and paled again, “God please no that was a joke,”

Ochako giggled relaxing back in bed again after the tension of the skywalk Midoriya had been leaking through the screen dissipated.

“Anyway  I’m just gonna go lie down for a while until some friends of mine get here, then we’ve got one more surprise,” Ochako hoped he hadn’t changed his mind and was going to jump off the building after all, she didn’t want to see him have a literal heart attack.

The video cut to Midoriya smiling at the camera again. He had a lot more color to him now and his hair was somewhat tamed. In his defence he had apparently got off and 11 hour flight then walked around 300 meters in the air it was allowed to be messy.

“So the person meeting me is Gemma, I mentioned her earlier, and a few other friends but their camera shy so you probably wont see them,” Midoriya was bouncing in place gaze constantly drifting away from the camera, “This is our first time meeting in person so I’m kinda excited kinda dreading if this has all just been some elaborate joke and I’m about to get stood up or worse,”

“Who hurt you and who do I need to kill?” Uraraka whispered, fully prepared to throw down the gauntlet for a youtuber she had only just discovered.

Luckily for them Gemma and his other not seen friends were spared her wrath. The camera shot was from far away so she couldn't hear or see anything in detail but it clearly showed the two running up to hug each other Midoriya pulling back to excitedly chat. Gemma matched his enthusiasm, sparkles trailing her arms as she made wide sweeping gestures.

“Here everyone say hi to Gemma,” The shot changed to frame the two of them, Gemma waving the motion sending more glittering sparkles falling from her hand and landing on Midoriya’s shoulder.

“Oh no-” Gemma stepped back to look at Midoriya the front of his shirt was covered in lingering sparkles along with his face and hair. Midoriya looked down at himself a little shocked as Gemma covered her face groaning into her hands, “I’m so sorry, I swear they fade out,”

She scrubbed her hands down her face, unaffected as her whole body shone lightly with subtle sparkles.

“I love it,” Midoriya grinned, twirling a bit to show there was a band of sparkles across his back from where her arms must have come around him. He was quite a bit shorter than her so his face also looked like someone had blown glitter in it, it just made his smile all the more dazzling.

“So you know where we’re going for dinner?” Gemma was looking at the camera but clearly asking Izuku.

“Up the tower again!” Midoriya beamed and really him plus sparkles was too unfair a combination.

This time in the elevator Gemma stood proudly on the window as Midoriya yelled at her.

“Are you crazy?!”

“Crazy you say?” At that Gemma jumped up and Midoriya let out an unholy screech as the elevator shuddered, she laughed but it was teasing not cruel. Ochako could make out the vague reflection of someone patting Midoriya on the shoulder and another person's arm came into frame to swat at Gemma.

When they reached the top Midoriya did not focus too much on the view, already having shown it. They stepped into a nicely decorated restaurant, but what was interesting was when Midoriya demonstrated that it was slowly spinning so the patrons could enjoy the view without leaving their table.

“Do you think they could speed it up?” Gemma asked, she was sitting next to Midoriya, both had their backs to the window so Ochako had a clear shot of it.

“Like a dangerous merry go round?” Midoriya questioned, the sparkles still clung to his cheeks and eyelashes.

“Exactly!” Gemma gave him finger guns, that matched her real guns. She may be sparkly but without the coat Ochako could now see she was ripped, “Also the dangerous is redundant,”

“What kind of merry go rounds-” Midoriya cut himself off as a waiter walked by, “... anyway I don’t think thats a good idea, given that the points to you know, eat,”

“Thats just what makes it more fun,” Gemma waved off.

“Uh-huh,” Midoriya raised an eyebrow skeptically before turning to the camera, “Hope you guys don’t mind but I wont be doing much food reviewing this dinner, I’ll show it off but-”

“This is a night for us to celebrate, later losers,” Gemma saluted, Midoriya squeaked telling her off before cutting the video off. Ochako laughed glad for Midoriya that his nerves had been wrong.

As promised he showed a few shots of some fancy looking food. Ochako wondered how much she would have to save up for her and her parents to eat there, not as much as the flights of course… hopefully. 

The camera placed on the table showed the scenery slowly revolving outside, getting darker and lights turning on as the sun set. By the time they were getting up to leave it was fully dark outside and Midoriya spared a moment to linger on a shot of Auckland at night.

“Izuku don’t forget your bag,” Gemma called as she shrugged on her jacket, also glittery.

“Thank-” The camera whirled around to where the bag should be. There was a slight ridge dividing the circle of the restaurant that spun and a ledges lining the outside where all the supporting beams were, “Oh sh-”

The camera started shaking as Midoriya ran through the restaurant. The shot switching to another camera that caught Midoriya as he ran the other way almost bowling over a waiter and profusely apologising. All the while you could hear Gemma and several others laughing off screen.

“Oh? Look what we have here,” Gemma moved the camera to focus on a spot as the restaurant turned around, a bag coming into view that Gemma scooped up. It was probably Midoriya's seeing as it had a couple of All Might pins and Ochako wasn’t sure how popular he was internationally.

Gemma set up the camera to focus on the opposite direction Midoriya ran. It caught the moment he came around the other side, still staring worriedly at the window. Gemma whistled sharply gaining a few glares but a relieved look from Midoriya as she held up his bag.

They left the restaurant with a few apologies at the other patrons for being loud. When the camera switched it was back on Midoriya but Ochako caught a glimpse of Gemma shimmering in the background waiting around.

“Alright that's all for today,” Midoriya smiled, Ochako stomped down the slight disappointment resolving check out his other videos from his easiness and confidence on screen Midoriya must have been at this awhile, “I’m going to be touring all over the country so stay tuned for the series, I haven't showed you nearly how beautiful New Zealand is, I hope I can make it down to the south island too cause they have some really pretty scenery, for now I’m going back to the hotel and crashing hard, see ya!”

The video signed off to the end cards a recommended video and link to Gemma’s apparent channel that looked like some sort of fitness channel with how she was lifting weights in it. Ochako promised herself to check it out.

For now she subscribed to Midoriya’s channel checking the time to see if she could squeeze in another before going to bed. She was feeling like she could get away with it. The change in pace revitalising in a way. But really she attributed that to Midoriya’s natural cheer and charisma. Somewhere in there she had allowed herself to relax and get swept up in this dorky kids mundane adventure. It was exactly the kind of thing she wanted her parents to experience one day. 

This was exactly what she had become a hero for, and now graduation was within her grasp. She just had to push a little more and then she would be out in the world able to do some good for her family and everyone else. 

Ochako smiled at the screen, resolving to get some sleep and maybe she could squeeze in another video tomorrow morning. Before she turned off her phone Ochako glanced at the channel's name, snorting to herself. It was perfect.

Green Bean and Bags

[nathanielhoover]

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A 47 year old man who was bear hunting in southwestern Montana was attacked by a bear over the weekend. It was their show that had started all the trouble that night. All subjects returned to their normal activities including running within 10 days of surgery.Table 1 shows the mean strain and strain rates of four consecutive strides for each subject during treadmill and overground running. Assange, who denies the allegations, says he fears that if Britain extradited him to Sweden he would then be extradited to the United States where he could be tried for one of the largest information leaks in US history.

[stlplaybox]

Top 10 Transformers of 2019 - Part 1

If you’ve been following, it’s been two years since my last one of these. Technically more given that we’re now deep past the winter of 2020. But end of year lists have a wistful character. They keep ajar a casual window into that tricky thing that is memory lane. They crystallise memories, feelings and journeys into something that attempts to qualify and quantify the experiences of some arbitrary tract of time in our lives. When life comes faster at you with each passing season, where each year seems faster than the last, lists offer some solace, some sense of growth, some recognition of where we’ve come from. 

I guess that’s why despite 2019 seeming so distant, I’ve persisted with making this list of my top 10 Transformers of 2019. There is something different this year though. Something I’ve been plugging away at for awhile now. This year I bring together my nerdy side with my collecting and underpin it with a Transformers scoring system. Yes, I’ve developed and calibrated a scoring system for Transformers. Why you ask? Well the easy answer is I’m a data person and I like to frame the way I look and understand the world through code and data.

The longer answer is I like to understand myself, understand why I collect and like what I like. With so much available these days, it’s easy to lose track of what really resonates with us, chasing that new shiny thing, that new experience, and quickly forget why we’re buying what we buy. This scoring system is my attempt to track this and quantify not just what I have purchased but also what I purchase going forward. So this year, you’ll see me provide two scores. My “weighted”  / subjective score and an ”objective” score in brackets. Both are out of 100.  

Where does this difference come from? In designing my system I recognised that how we value things differ from person to person. For instance some people place high emphasis on transformation and handling while others adore articulation and sculpt. So my scoring system attempts to factor this in by providing a “weighted” score to reflect my personal subjective leanings. The objective score is how it ranks objectively on each of the metrics scored. So that’s some context but I won’t bore you with too many more details. If there’s enough interest, I’ll write more about it sometime. But I will say this scoring system is great as I already what my top 10 for 2020 is at this stage!

A part of me was going to separate the list into transforming and non-transforming toys but I decided against it. They’re all Transformers in the end, it’s the reason we buy them. Whether its a plushie, a statue or articulated action figure they all have their merits.

One last note is I’ve also added to each figure a section called “a moment” where I try to capture a moment of where I was, how I felt when experiencing this figure. I spend a lot of time with these figures behind the camera and posing them, often in lovely natural places where I’m reflecting on a lot of things about the world, life and whatnot. There’s a range of feelings that come with that and for me that’s part of what collecting is about, the emotions these figures stir in you.

So without further ado, let’s roll out!

Honorable Mentions:

MP-44: Convoy

Weighted Score: 89.0% (88%)

Why: While its where my love for Transformers comes from, G1 is no longer where my collecting heart lies. The price, the over-engineering, and QC issues… there were a lot of reasons I didn’t want to buy this. But we lost a dear member of our community @TCracker/@hirohitokusanagi last year and this was a figure he was desperately trying to hold on for. That he couldn’t made this something I felt I had to experience. Even more so as I struggled with my own battle with cancer. This figure is a good figure but sometimes we buy things and they mean more because of the people we’ve met along the way. Simon brought so many sparks of joy with his photography and the opportunity to dedicate a shoot to him was the best way I could honour him. Whenever I shoot this figure, I think of Simon and am grateful for the inspiration he provided and his contribution to our community.

The Moment: It was early spring when this figure arrived. We were due in NZ the day after and I was in a horribly weakened state after my sixth round of chemo. But I hobbled the 2km to my post office to pick it up and shoot it that sunset. My process is to normally spend time experiencing a figure before trying to transform and photograph at sunset as its a small window of 20-30 minutes at best. But I knew time was against me and that with a few weeks in NZ it’d really bother me not being able to have a crack at it given how much it meant to me. So in the days preceding that day, I’d watched video after video of the transformation. I started sunset with the video on the big screen TV in case I needed to refer to it. It was one of my most intense shoots of the year and a lot of that pressure self-imposed. But emotionally, it was one of the most fulfilling.

Iron Factory Blue Flash

Weighted Score: 89.5% (86.7%)

Why: The only thing I owned of Bluestreak as a kid was a jigsaw puzzle. In it he was depicted in this sleek and flashy blue. From that moment, I’d always dreamt of owning an awesome blue Bluestreak. And despite happily owning the Masterpiece and Collector Club version, this was the one for me as it combined that essence with a neo-G1 design.     

Moment: Sitting by our local waterfall not long after I’d been diagnosed with cancer it was quite emotional. I remember staring blankly at it and not starting the shoot as the water cascaded in the background. Thinking about that puzzle, the life I’d led in primary school and how far I’d come. 

With that let’s get into slots 10-6!

10. Amazing Yamaguchi N-14: Optimus Prime 

Weighted Score: 90.1% (86.9%)

Why: Expressiveness is an area that’s increasing at the top of my want list for a figure and this has it in spades. Between the different hands, the stellar ab crunch and butterfly shoulder, it maximises its pure action figure focus to give us a figure that’s so much fun to pose with emotion. It’s really one torso swivel away from greatness.  

Moment: The moment comes from this year where I combined a shoot with Siege Omega in base mode where it captured all the emotion of leaving your home, being unable to stay because you need to seek refuge elsewhere. Something that I think that’s understated about Transformers is that they’re refugees and that shot really captured the weight of emotion of having to leave. 

9. Master Made SDT-06: Overlord

Weighted Score: 90.5% (90%)

Why: For as long as I’ve been doing these lists, there’s not a year I remember when Master Made did not make an entry. They continue to put out some of the most beautifully engineered and fun figures on the market and Overlord was no exception. The sharp edges of the jet half combined with the bulk of the tank are top notch. Add the extra non super-deformed head so that one can use it with Iron Factory legends and combine that with their neo-G1 take on it, this thing hits all the right spots.  

The Moment: I remember setting in for sunset in late autumn with the jet mode on an evening after I’d come home after bouncing in and out of hospital as they hadn’t been able to work out what was going on with my body other than it was failing. This sense of soaring as I photographed him was something that put a smile on my face in that moment of uncertainty.

8. TLK Hot Rod (Unique Toys K-03 La Hire)

Weighted Score: 90.7% (98%)

Why: This is the first figure where I want to talk about the difference in the weighted score and the objective score. This figure is objectively one of the best Transformers in my collection at 98/100. It scores so high across articulation, engineering, handling, aesthetic, paint job that it actually is the highest scoring figure in 2019. However it gets brought down because of one thing: connection. I gave up on watching the Bayverse movies as I just weren’t enjoying them anymore and so as great as this figure is, that’s why it ends up scaling down to 90.7. Maybe if it had more elements of G1 Hot Rod I’d have connected with it despite not seeing the movies but that’s not to be. With that, you’re right to guess that one of my strong subjective weightings is “connection“.    

Moment: It was a warm morning in September last year when I got this figure. I was sitting on the balcony with my partner and feeling awful as it was not long after a round of chemo but I remember repeatedly going “wow”, “holy crap”, “wow” as I step by step learnt all the nuances of this beautiful figure. 

7. Cross Dimension Metallic Optimus Prime (MTCD-01P Striker Manus)

Weighted Score: 90.8% (88%)

Why: The Cross Dimensions line epitomises everything I love and want from Transformers. Fresh designs that take from various parts of the expansive TF universe without being slavish to any particular part. Despite already owning the first iteration of this figure, the dark metallic red, golds and blue elevate what was already a great figure way ahead of its time. Add the extra weapons pack all tinged with orange translucent highlights and you have yourself an absolute winner.

Moment: The joy of having him wield the translucent axe was magical. While the smokestack axes look nice, they don’t pack that same punch. I spent many hours in front of the TV posing him over and over.   

6. MMC Senator Ratbat (R-42 Ultio)

Weighted Score: 91.3% (90.7%)

Why: Since Takara did the Senator Ratbat in the TG line all those years back from the United Scourge mould, I’ve loved the idea of a Cybertronian Ratbat and boy did MMC deliver. If you’d ask me whether they could’ve done it from the Stray mould I’d have laughed but its executed so perfectly and keeps a lot of the great engineering and articulation present in the core Stray design while adding the wings that double as a cape in robot mode and pincers in alt mode. It’s a menacingly alt mode and that purple is just fine.

Moment: I’d had the figure for a little while and was itching to shoot it but between treatment and friends who were visiting it took awhile for me to get to it before and when I did I was thwarted by many boring sunsets. It took me almost a whole week where the days would be fine but then offer not that much by the way of an interesting sunsets. But when I got the chance, I loved shooting that alt mode from all of its glorious angles. I remember finishing and feeling an overwhelming sense of contentment. Things were looking up, I was a healthier, a bit stronger, and fortunate enough to have a great friend come visit.

That rounds out the first half of my top 10 list. Join me back in a few days when we work through the top five and I make some other interesting data driven observations about my collection in 2019. 

[myimaginarywonderland]

Okay, so I read an article that said Kevin felt uncomfortable kneeling because "he doesn't fully support the political black lives matter movement." He means by that that he doesn't believe in all of the stuff "they fight for" like cis privilege (that's what the article brought up, don't know if he said it.)

And honestly? This makes me so angry and breaks my heart, especially with certain behaviours the other drivers have exhibited. (Charles liking tweets calling Black live matter a Marxistic organisation and so on.)

I will take this opportunity to state the fact that I am white. I have experienced racism and I will always have the white privilege no matter what other challenges I might face. I will never know what it is like to be a black person.

But that especially means I need to listen to Black people even more, heart what they have to say. I need to recognize what they have been through and why and I need to actively work against that so I try everything in my power to never have anyone experience what black people go through and have gone through again. I as a white person need to learn and see the bigger picture. I need to realize that it is not my place and will never be to say something is or isn't racist. I need to work and improve and I need to do that constantly because racism is such a deep rooted issue in society and will not be done with me just sharing one post. It will be done with education, with taking down fundamental racist principles and organisations and so on.

And you know what all of the seven drivers are not doing? All of that. They just think "Ah yes, this post I have just made with little effort was what ended racism." The add to this, they're praised for this by the media. They're not called out because some people will say that they're ignorant, defend them saying that they grew up in a sheltered environment, in a sport that knows basically no diversity. And as right as that may be, I just want to remind you.

They're adults. All of them are grown ass man. All of them are responsible for their own actions. All of them actively decide what to do. They have no one to hide behind. No one. Don't use Max's terrible dad as an excuse. I am somehow who themself has had so many toxic relationships (non romantic) with people even from my own family. That does not and will never justify being racist. Because let's face it. It's what all of them are. Maybe not the kind of racist where you threaten black people. But the kind of racist where you grow up with a "skin coloured" pencil. They perfectly embody that every day racism that is the problem. Yes, it is also the racism that literally kills people but the dangerous racism is the one we grow up with, thinking it's okay. They're the problem with their behaviour. The problem is thinking that you can just do one thing and it's done. The problem is thinking that you as a white person have any right to choose what to do to express your stance on racism. You don't. The only you get to do just like I get to do is listen and learn. Try to educate yourself as much as possible, grow into someone more aware.

This post is messy as are my thoughts because I did want to give them the benefit of the doubt but I can't. Not when they continuously ignore what people are saying, not when they are refusing to learn.

So I want to take this post to directly say my last words to all of these drivers. I want to make it clear with this post that I will no longer support any of them. I can't. Maybe this hits me so hard because I have experienced the same kind of ignorance when it came to my sexuality by having my friends (the people who I thought were my friends) completely dismise me. Maybe some people like to say I am overreacting.

But for me personally the worst part is ignorance. Because ignorance is the start of all. Ignorance is the root and they aren't letting that root be attacked. They outright trying to defend being ignorant with some half claims and this hurts. Because they don't change. And if they don't change, what will? Imagine if people just accepted they're treatment and the stonewall riot didn't happen. Imagine if people just let west and east Berlin be.

Imagine if in a time of need, the two biggest people, the young man who represent generations for a sport, chose to stay ignorant. But you don't need to. It's already happening.

Charles, I knew you are part of a team that might limit you in the way you can act. But you could act for millions and you choose not to. You see how you're colleague has called you amongst others out and you choose to like tweets that make it out like what he is fighting for is something else entirely. You see how many people support you and the team you race for. You could have such a huge impact but instead you make some sort of excuse. You gave actual, harmful racist the chance to have something in common with you. I can not support someone like that.

Max, you have the support of an entire nation. You are someone who is already celebrated like a champion. You are the reason why so many people still watch the sport. And yet, you saw the impact you have and turned around and did nothing. You were the reason why racists called kneeling unnecessary and it was trending on Twitter. And yet you said nothing, even after all of that. I can't ever support someone like that.

I expected nothing better from Sa*nz but I just want to say that what you are currently doing is the most self centred bullshit I have ever seen and it is so disrespectful.

Antonio, I truly hope you will come around. I still have hope for you but until you do what is necessary I will not be able to support you.

Räikönnen is honestly no surprise for me but I am so ashamed that needing an excuse for you is bullshit. God,how can you say those words and not feel like an asshole?

Daniil, I know that speaking up could really cause you harm. I know that you might not be able to. But if you would, you would set the greatest example. You would act eventhough you might have to face. People would admire you (which is bullshit since that is just the bare minimum) but you would give courage for a lot of people to speak up. I was never you're biggest fan but from all of these drivers, you're the one who I can understand the most.

And now, lastly Kevin. I actually really liked you. Not just as a driver but as a person. Bit what you are saying is coming from a place of ignorance. What you are saying is hurtful because it implies that Black lives matter is anything else then the fight for equality and the fight against racial prejudice and so much more.

Black lives matter is a necessary movement that is nothing controversial. It is not your invitation to open a discussion. It is not your place to make it about white people. It is the movement to erase all racism in even the smallest forms step by step. It will never be anything else but that. It will never be your place to act. It is your job to listen to black people. It is your job to make their voices be heard. It is your job to make their struggles known. It is your job to use your platform and spread the message of it. It is your job to use the voice and the rage you have to do your best to help. It is your job as a white person to learn, to educate yourself and to grow.

All of us white people need to finally learn that this is not our place to do what we want but it is our duty to do what is necessary.

And by kneeling so and spreading your consistent ignorance, refusing to learn you are doing the exact opposite of that.

It may seem like a small step to you but as a white person you don't get to say how important kneeling is. You truly don't.

Anyway, this was probably a lot more angry and longer than I intended but I am so done with white people, especially white man, thinking that they can get away with their problematic behaviour when that behaviour is really harmful and use by actual racist to justify their actions.

You are all part of the problem and that will not change until you change.

The first step is always to feel uncomfortable. You have to feel uncomfortable. The fact that there is something that you feel uncomfortable with means there is a problem. And I can guarantee you that that problem lies within you. Because you feel uncomfortable that something doesn't match what you believe in and that believe is 100% something that comes from our racist society.

(If you actually made it this far and understand what I was trying to say, thank you and congratulations because my train of thoughts is mostly all over the place and really complicated. )

[onestowatch]

Molly Payton Breaks Down the Process Behind Her New ‘Porcupine’ EP

A lot of Molly Payton’s tracks have been written in the tube, when the night is over and booze courses her veins. “It's where I do my best writing,” she laughs. “When I'm absolutely hammered and angry at someone.” It figures: her music is drenched in melancholy, laced with yearning vocals and cutting lyrics about boys who read too much Kerouac and wish they lived in 1972. Still, she has her reservations about the habit. “It's not good,” she jokes, “how as a musician you capitalize off heartbreak. I'm at a point now where if I have a bad experience with a guy I'm like, ‘Sweet, thanks mate! Great song.’”

The New Zealand-born artist moved to London with her mum when she was sixteen. The plan was to stay for only a short stint, but when Molly’s music started taking off that turned into two years (and counting). While Molly had been writing songs and singing for a while at that stage, she hadn’t yet considered making it a career. “In New Zealand I just never really thought of it as a possibility,” she explains. Back then, the main Kiwi artists she knew that had made it big were a couple of bands her parents liked, and Lorde. And while she notes that’s changing, it wasn’t until she’d trekked halfway across the world that pursuing music felt like a tangible possibility. “Moving to London,” she explains, “I was meeting people who it just happened to.”

Those people were the likes of bedroom pop turned breakout rock star beabadoobee, and Oscar Lang, who’s signed with The 1975’s label Dirty Hit. Alongside Molly, they’re part of a crew of talented young London creatives, the kind that make you feel very old and uncool. “They were a really influential group,” Molly says. “I definitely wouldn't have done anything if I hadn't met them. Just being around young people like that who've made what they want to happen was really good for me, to see that it's possible.”

While Molly’s mates may have helped nudge her in the right direction, she’s clearly got the talent to make on her own strength, as evidenced on her debut EP Mess. Released earlier this year and produced by Oscar, it’s a collection of fuzzy acoustic-leaning tracks, inspired by the likes of Jeff Buckley and Leonard Cohen. They’re like wrapping yourself in a warm blanket of nostalgia and show off a voice that could melt steel.

Now Molly’s just released her second EP, Porcupine. This time round she’s taking notes from the 90s bands she has on repeat, including Nirvana and Pavement. It’s aided by the fact after an extensive two-year search, she’s finally got a band of her own to flank her on stage and in the studio. The result is a slick collection of fuller, grungier tracks, the kind you can imagine swaying to in a dingy underground club with sweat lining the walls.

We caught up with Molly from opposite ends of the world to chat writer’s block, pre-show rituals and coming home for summer.

Ones to Watch: Are you someone who's constantly writing?

Molly Payton: I used to be. But in lockdown I didn't write anything. I think it was partly because I got back from a trip to the States two days before lockdown, and when I was there, I was in writing sessions every day, and I felt like I'd just been squeezed out. I just didn't feel like writing for the first time in my life. But it's coming back now.

Do you have a process?

Not really. Most of my best songs I wrote in like 20 minutes.

Is that just you picking up a guitar and writing everything at the same time?

Throughout my day I'll be having things in my head, but it won't feel like a song, just ideas. Little melodies or playing around with chords. And every once in a while, - it's so nice - I'll just sit there and play something and be like, ‘Oh that sounds good,’ and keep playing. Then I get my phone out and go into my thousand notes of like, two lyrics at a time, and start putting stuff together. And it just happens. It’s the nicest experience. Though in the second EP, two of the singles actually, Warm Body and How to Have Fun, those are the first two songs I wrote with other people in writing sessions.

It must've been a pretty different experience having had that experience of songwriting on your own, then sitting in writing sessions. What was that like?

It depends. I hate some writing sessions. There have been a few that I just wanted to leave. But those two sessions were just fun. I wrote Warm Body with Oli [Barton Wood] who produced the EP. It was the first time we met, and I was so nervous because it was my first ever proper writing session. And he just gave me a guitar and put heaps of distortion on it, then gave me a really shitty mic. Which I think was probably the best first session I could've had.

How come?

Because most of the time it's just someone will have either an acoustic guitar and they'll be like, 'tell me about your ex-boyfriend', or they'll have a drum machine and put a little beat in the computer, and you'll do things really systematically. Whereas Oli was like, just play something and I'll play along, and we'll see if something happens. And that's how Warm Body happened.  

You have a really powerful voice - is that a thing that you had to - excuse the cliché - find?

Oh god yeah, I had a really good singing teacher for two years. I wasn't a good singer. I always wanted to, I always sang, but I didn't start singing singing until I was about 15. My teacher was really about giving you confidence. And that's my thing, because I have really, really bad anxiety. Which is funny, because I was such a performer when I was a kid. But the idea of going on stage to someone with such bad anxiety, especially at that age, was terrifying. Which is hard - wanting to be a musician and being fucking terrified of going on stage.

Do you have any pre-show things to help that now?

Beer. [laughs].

Fair.  

But I don't get nervous anymore, I don't know if it's because I have a band now... Probably. I have the best band in the world. They're all a bit older and have been doing music forever, so they're crazy talented musicians. And I know when I go on stage with them that if I fuck up, Simon the guitarist will do some crazy shit on the guitar and distract everyone while I get my shit together.

Did moving to London change how you wrote at all?

To be honest I was 16 when I moved here, and in [home country] New Zealand I was quite a shy kid. I hadn't experienced much, then was suddenly thrust into this crazy world. Because the school I went to here, and the people I was mixing with, were so far away from any kind of world I'd experienced before. It was very different, very intense. Going out all the time, having freedom for the first time in my life - and very suddenly - was a bit scary. I don't know if it changed my style of writing, I think that happened more through writing heaps and getting better. But my sound would've changed if I’d stayed in NZ. I met different people, and that would've changed the subject matter. It's hard to say. I don't even know if I’d be writing if I'd stayed in NZ. It's a bit nuts to think about, y’know.

Do you miss New Zealand?

So much. I miss my family, and how fucking pretty it is. London's beautiful but it's beautiful in a sad way. Everything about London makes me feel melancholy.

I lived in London for six years, so know what you mean.

Maybe it's because I’ve watched too many films. I always feel like I'm in a movie here, whereas in New Zealand I feel like a human being. It's also that weird feeling of separation here where no one knew me before. When I moved here, I had this freedom to be who I wanted to be, which was really fun for a while. I was like, ‘I'm gonna be confident, that's my thing now.’ Which was great, and it's nice to have that thing of, ‘No one knows that embarrassing thing I did when I was a kid.’ But after a while you miss having that. I've got four siblings, and I'm the baby. So just missed getting teased. And Christmas. I had Christmas on my own. In London. It was so sad. My mum was back in New Zealand.

That’s tough.

But whenever I say that to people who are living here, they're like, ‘Well why don't you just go back?’ And I’m just like, no of course not, I want to be here. It's London. In the same way it's sad, it's amazing. But I'm coming to NZ for a while so i'm gonna get my feed.

The dream is to just do summer to summer.

The thing is, I'm a winter person, I love winter. I think it's ‘cause I just love a good coat. I love hot drinks.

That's true. Two winter USPs.

There's nothing better than New Zealand winter. We'd go skiing and stay in this rinky dinky little hut and had to hike up the mountain because the lift didn't go. So, you'd have this horrible hike carrying your skis and your bag, then get into this warm hut and sit down and have a hot chocolate. Ugh. I miss winter.

I’ve just had two in a row so you can have one of mine. What are your next music goals?

I’d love to do a proper tour. That's the dream, I'd love to be able to play just every day. But it's weird, I'm such a homebody. Deep down I'm a huge grandpa, it's my secret to surviving London. I have some friends who go on tour and I'm like, ‘How do you survive, how do you manage this lifestyle every day?’ Because they go out after every gig, get trashed and do it again. Whereas I can't handle a hangover. I’m like 'Cancel it all. I’m sleeping today.'

Fair enough.

[gumnut-logic]

Nutty Writing Thoughts

I was re-reading part of my Kermadec fic and encountered the bit where Scott comes across the hot spring and it occurred to me the difference between Scott and Virgil as to how they interpret their environment. This led me to thinking about characterisation and point of view and how you write a character to sound like themselves. Then, because I’m lying idle around the house with a mild headache and a bung foot, I pondered how each of the five brothers might interpret the same scene. I sat their idly constructing scenes in my head and how this might illustrate how a character thinks.

So, now because I’m still sitting around the house with a mild headache and a bung foot, I thought I’d give this exercise a go...cos actually writing one of my many wips would be far too logical ::headdesk::

Anyways, five brothers, same beach, same time of day. Let’s see if I can make them sound like themselves....and not end up writing another wip :D Note: these scenes are separate and unrelated to each other...just flotsam my brain threw up. Guess which brother is which?

-o-o-o-

His running shoes hit the sand hard, gouging holes in the pristine surface. The air was still and clear, the ocean quiet, his breathing drowning out the sound of the waves. This was his third lap, but his first step onto this beach. He usually avoided this patch of sand because it was Virgil’s favourite and often the place his brother came to be alone. But today was a day that wouldn’t see Virgil outside the villa. Not today, not tomorrow, not for some time at all.

His breathing lost its regular pace and he had to force himself to concentrate harder on his rhythm.

His feet hit the sand and he kept on running.

-o-o-o-

There were times being a brother of the commander of this outfit really sucked.

One foot after the other. Scott may feel exuberant at this time of the morning, but honestly, this time should not exist.

He was only awake because the smart ass had called a drill. God. He ran a hand through his hair and guzzled the coffee that was automatically poured into his face.

He swore Scott did it because of his comment about Thunderbird One’s erotic symbolism yesterday. But hey, he was the one who had compared Two to a pregnant turtle.

Turtles lay eggs, you idiot.

But that hadn’t been enough, so he’d resorted to a dick joke.

And had been dragged out of bed at 5am.

Ergh.

His staggering finally led him to the beach and the moment he stepped onto the sand, the breeze caught him and brushed away his frown.

A sigh fell from his lips and he closed his eyes.

The sounds of the ocean caressed his ears and washed away the aggravation. The calm seeped into his bones and his shoulders dropped.

But he kept his grip on his mug of coffee.

Another sip.

Another grateful sigh.

And a plan began to form.

-o-o-o-

Before he knew it the sun was peeking over the edge of the planet and the stars were fading.

His butt and back were damp from lying on the sand.

There was dry seaweed in his hair.

He reached up and untangled the mess, frowning as it caught and pulled. Ow.

It wasn’t often he used a beach for stargazing, but he hadn’t had the energy to climb the stairs to the observatory and to be honest, he wasn’t looking for a specific event, more just comfort in the familiar.

He had come out here in the early hours, his circadian rhythm still slightly off and done his best to connect with what he loved.

He had forgotten the inconveniences of sand, mosquitoes and was that a crab?

He shifted his leg out of reach and clambered to his feet.

The sun flashed everything gold, including him.

A sigh and he turned to walk back to the house.

-o-o-o-

One of the advantages of living on your own secret tropical island is that he could run around in whatever clothes he wanted and not have to worry about what the public might think.

A pair of flip flops and his swimwear, mostly because it was just after his morning laps. Specimen bags in hand, he headed down to the beach to check on the morning’s finds.

The ocean was still puking up stuff from the storm that passed to the south of the Island two weeks ago and he was making sure to check the beaches every morning to see what treasures might surface. One of the things about cyclones is that they churned the ocean as much as the land and often interesting things appeared with the tide as a result.

Fortunately the storm hadn’t actually hit the Island itself and the beach was on the protected side, otherwise there may have been no beach left to comb. This time the conditions were perfect and he wasn’t going to miss out on the opportunity.

Clambering around the Island in flip flops would probably earn him several frowns from several quarters, but to be honest he didn’t care.

From the moment his feet hit the sand, he was discovering and cataloguing. Three different types of sponge all seen before. A nasty chunk of the rare kelp from that isolated patch to the south, damn. An array of shells of which one he was unable to identify. He grabbed that one for identification purposes and one other simply because it was pretty and he knew a brother who might like it.

He found the waves tossing about a large chunk of broken coral and he swore. Damn. Cyclones were nasty to reefs and they took eons to repair.

The worst find was a relatively small mola mola. The young sunfish looked like it had been caught up in an argument between the surf and the volcanic rocks of the island.

He carefully picked it up and placed it in a bag, commemorative words for a life lost passing through his mind as he sealed it tight. Size and details would be sent to the NZ DoC south of their island for research purposes.

Reaching the end of the beach he turned back and trailed his feet in the water. A glance at the rising sun and he headed back.

-o-o-o-

He bounded onto the beach and kicked the sand with his foot. This was so unfair! Why couldn’t he do what everyone else was doing?

He stomped his feet into the sand and took some satisfaction in the deep divots his feet left behind.

The water was whispering as if to herald the rise of the sun.

He didn’t like it.

It mocked him.

Why? Why? Why?

The question bounced around his head and just fuelled his anger.

There was a roar and the island shook as behind him Thunderbird One leapt into the air. Further in the distance he heard the deeper rumble as Two ignited her rear thrusters and a moment later the great green ‘bird appeared over the palm trees and shot off into the distance, Thunderbird One darting down to escort her.

Both were lit up by the sun.

His heart was caught between pride at the sight, and the anger that he wasn’t with them.

As they disappeared in the sunrise, he glared after them.

-o-o-o-

Okay, that exercise did not go exactly the way I had planned, but I hope you enjoyed these little snippets. I hope you can tell which bro is which. I haven’t really gone to any effort to hide them and I’m kinda hoping it is obvious. Maybe take note of the bits of information that give it away?

Or which bros I’m better at writing, maybe :D

Fun to write. I hope they are fun to read.

::hugs you all::

Nutty

(Yeah, well, my brain is weird, I can’t help myself)

[kyrrahbird]

Tagged by @inessencedevided​ - thank you, and sending good vibes your way <33

How is everyone holding up?  

I say fine a lot. I’m fine. It’s fine. It could be worse. In the scheme of things I am doing okay, and I have the support of my friends and family when i’m not doing so great. But I’m a real proponent of bottle everything up until it goes away so that’s why. I’m fine.

Mostly, i’m avoiding thinking of the future. I finish uni in less than a month, and im going to need a job if i want to stay out of my parents house. Of course, its a great time to be job hunting!!! /not. But I have a bit of time, and savings, so wish me luck. I’ll figure it out. 

What are you doing to keep healthy?

Lots of walking and outdoor time. I’m finding my mood is highly reliant on how much sun i get, which I’ve never noticed before. But I have some lovely bushland about 10 minute walk away, so i’ve been doing loops around that. It’s amazing how soothing i find trees and dirt. 

Also there’s lizards and birds which is Awesome.

I’m not much of an exercise person otherwise, but i get... apathetic if i spend too long inside.

Are you working, not working, working from home?

I’m studying! My masters currently, which was supposed to involve lots of travel... so. It hasn’t been what I might have wished but on the other hand. It provides a certain measure of security and i get to meet new people through uni. I can safely say though that zoom intensive courses are the Worst and I am never ever doing an online course again if i can avoid it.

Anyone caring for kids or elders?

Nope! In fact, I just moved out of my parents place at the start of the year. I’m happy for the independence but im also very happy travel restrictions have loosened and I can see them more often. I’m not lonely, but i miss having pets around.

What was you best/worst day?

Best day - probably the last week, as we’re finally getting to do the thing that this uni course promised us: go out to schools and perform science shows. Obviously we can’t travel far afield, but since my state has had pretty much 0 cases in yonks, we’re allowed to travel to local schools. Kids are just so delightful and unpredictable and they say the funniest shit, but most it’s just. really good to have a purpose again. Something to do. It’s also really really good to see people in person, and I truly feel for everyone who isn’t able to. 

Worst day - about a month ago, when I got pulled from my shows because my teammate got (non-covid) sick. I was tired, frustrated, and just so over this year pulling the plug out from under me. We’ve - unsurprisingly - had a year of cancelled plans and ruined expectations, but I had held it together until then. I really hate ‘what-ifs’ so mostly i just. roll with it. But even I have my limit.

What inspires you?

Can i say the sun again. It sounds trite, but just. This year has been a year of social upheaval. I’ve been physically isolated from my friends, my family, we can’t plan any events, everything we have planned has fallen through etc etc. 

But at the end of the day, we made it to spring. The sun is shining, the bees are buzzing, and there are SO MANY DANG FLOWERS (i feel for people with hayfever, i really do). And if i get outside each day, i remember that this day happened, and things are still green and growing. And this is about the only thing that brings me peace.

Are you taking up hobbies?

Hah i always get especially productive when im procrastinating. I got quite a bit of art done for me - mostly for an arpg called Those Who Went Missing on deviantart.

I also have read a ton of untamed and svsss fanfiction, plus some fantasy novels for a book club i have with friends (on zoom ;n;). These count as hobbies, yes?

And I’m watching stuff, on and off: svsss but only weekly, binge-watching kings avatar, rewatching fmab and cql, and contemplating a third watch through of nirvana in fire when im done.

What kind of content helps keep the joy on your dash?

Gosh i reblog most of it haha - the untamed gifs, pretty pictures, BIRDS, plus other interests when they pop up. I like pretty things :3c

Has life gone back to “normal” where you are?

Yes, in a local sense. Australia isn’t doing as well as NZ, but like I said before, my state has had zero cases for a long time, so day-to-day things have opened up. All big gatherings are a no though, and graduation has been cancelled so.

But at least I should be able to get back to spend new years with my family.

What are you doing for fun?

I have been playing a lot of Sky: Children of Light on my phone. Its pretty and escapist and what more could I want. When im not doing that im reading. Sometimes i remember i actually like doing art, and I spend an entire morning drawing arpg stuff before being like. I need to go outside.

Rinse and repeat and my assignments just. never get done.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Aaah thanks for reading my rambles. I’m being lazy and tagging anyone who sees this and wants to do it themselves ^^ 

[cardandpixel]

9 Board Game YouTubers I Follow & Why (plus a few others)

In the literal dim and distant past when I started boardgaming (honestly, the biggest threat was tallow wax on your board), the internet was still accessed by whatever IP address you could remember off the top of your head (there’s no place like 127.0.0.1 as they sayI) - and the only TikTok was the clock ticking, waiting for half of Louise Nurding’s left leg to download only to realise it was Anne Widdecombe and you’d hit the wrong link on a BB. Boardgames had some quiet and shady corners of the internet, in those same Bulletin Boards, there was one for HeroQuest and Space Crusade when they came out. But sadly, if you wanted to see a boardgame being played or learn the rules, you either had to go round to your friend Tim’s house where he had a new chits-for-days wargame going, or sit down and actually read the rulebook yourself. As a result, I bought some interesting games in my time, including a game called Operation Overlord - a mighty chit-tastic WW2 N African campaign monster that I bought in desperation from the Games Workshop in Manchester on the first morning that it opened in 1979 (?) as we were so far back in the queue that there wasn’t a space marine to be had for miles. But now, we have a plethora of kindly folk available on our blistering shiny Windows NT 486sx machines to inform and delight us in full 8-bit glory. Everything from reviews, buying guides, rules tutorials and even painting & crafting guides, we can be bathing in just about whatever aspect of board or wargaming we so desire in an effort to stave off the clattering realisation that it’s been over 3 months since we spent any quality time with another breathing soul outside our houses. The question gets frequently asked on boardgame FaceAche forums “What YouTube channels are worth my time and why?” so in an effort to throw my own towel into that controversial ring, here’s my pick of probably 9ish, maybe more by the end, but let’s start with 9 in no particular order..... 1) 3 MINUTE BOARDGAMES

One of the first board games ‘er across the table (TM) and I bought together was a copy of Gloom from a little games and comic shop halfway round the world in Hamilton NZ, Mark 1 Comics. As we were achingly close to moving to NZ a few years ago, we’ve kept up with many aspects of what might have been our life over there, so it was a delight to discover Jarrod (and now Stephanie) on YouTube, a friendly and familiar accent reviewing board games. But it’s not just the NZ vibe that I love, Jarrod does a great job of cutting thru the hyperbole and bloat often associated with trying to keep YouTube vids ‘long for the algorithm’ (ugh) and just gives very pragmatic reasons for a game either joining or leaving his collection. He has a great approach, and it’s nice to see him finally on camera instead of the disembodied voice. Great reviewer, and Stephanie is utterly hilarious. 2) THE BROTHERS MURPH

Mike & Nick are two of the most engaging brothers on YouTube let alone just in the boardgaming community. Their series on thrift shop finds has dredged up some hilarious and often tragic specimens from the grand days of Palitoy, MB and Parker Games.  They are also masters at ‘speed reviewing’ often piling reviews of 50 or 60 games into the same number of minutes. I think I favour the ‘don’t outstay your welcome’ approach to YouTube in general, and the Brothers Murph are at great ease with this philosophy and yet they take on simple party games thru to the heaviest euros with the same distillation equipment, and yet their reviews are never trivial or throw away. We had the chance to chat to Nick at Airecon this year and he was a lovely guy, slightly blown away by the fact that people liked his channel. He’s also an awesome artist too.

3) ACTUALOL

There are many reviewers on the web who have cost me a fair amount of money, the worst being Zee Garcia, however, a close second is Jon Purkiss aka Actualol. Jon has a terrifying gift for finding games, and especially ridiculously affordable games, that I buy on spec and then end up absolutely loving. Jon has a light and breezy style which is instantly engaging - I also really want his comfy chair (surely in exchange for a nice review on here Jon???). His videos are tidy and concise and yet still convey a deep enthusiasm and joy for games. His reviews very clearly portray what the setting of the game is and what you’ll be doing, without getting embroilled in the rules. He always has great footage of the game on the table (please reviewers - look at the ratio of your face to the game you’re talking about - less than 10% game and i’m walkin’) and often favours the less pricey end of the market which suits me fine. Brilliant games I love thanks to Jon include: Second Chance, Magic Maze and Ninja Academy

4) OUR FAMILY PLAYS GAMES

There’s not much to be said about Mik & Starla Fitch that cannot be gained from watching a mere 3-4 minutes of their channel. For sheer exuberance aimed squarely at a love for bringing families together via our glorious hobby, you cannot top these guys. If you are ever - EVER - feeling slightly lacklustre about gaming or losing your mojo for whatever reason - heck if you are just feeling slightly down, treat yourself to 10 minutes in the company of these two excellent human beings. Their reviews and playthru’s have all the humanity you need in a game and after five minutes you are thinking “Is the US too far to go just for a gaming evening?” We’d both utterly love to sit across the table from these lovely people and just play, and I can’t say that about every reviewer, I’ll be honest. Their reviews are often centred around unloved classics (watch their vid dedicated to why they love Catan as an example - you’ll be clicking Buy Now before your know it) and also some great quirky unknowns that I’m trying to hunt down even now. They’ve just had a brilliant couple of boosts from both a spot of Good Morning America recently, and becoming reviewers for the mighty Dice Tower. I’m immensely grateful for a tweet by Rodney Smith for pointing me in their direction, my social media is a much brighter place with the Fitch family in it.

5) RAHDO RUNS THROUGH

“Heeeeey Everybody”. One of the first board game reviewers I ever caught on YouTube was the inimitable Richard Ham aka Rahdo. And I’m so glad I did. I would genuinely never sit down and try and learn a game from one of Rahdo’s playthrus, they are what I imagine being in a wind tunnel full of 50 tonnes of feathers is like. BUT and this is crucial - if I want an idea of what a game is going to feel like to play, there is no finer deliverer of the remote game experience than Mr Richard Ham. His unique ability to explain how a game is going to work, turn by turn; the decisions you will make; the things you’ll have to consider; the short and long term goals; are all brilliantly covered in one of Rahdo’s videos. His ability to make different choices for his ‘ghost partner’ Jen (who does exist in real life, we have bought jewelry off her, she’s lovely) also adds a real dynamism to the games, showcasing the flexibility in a design for different play strategies. Rahdo tends towards 2 player games and usually at the heavier end of the scale, but if there’s a game you are thinking of buying, check Mr Ham out first! 

6) WATCH IT PLAYED

It’s often been said that Canadians are some of the politest folk on the planet, but when it comes to ranking Canadians, well, I’m sure they’d be too humble to rank each other so I’ll have to. Rodney Smith is the loveliest man in the world. There, end of article. But it’s true. We’ve been watching Rodney since we first got confused about the rules for Mice & Mystics (which we still got wrong but that wasn’t Rodney’s fault) and his ever chirpy, ever positive approach to his rules rundowns is utterly remarkable and frankly, enviable. And it’s his attention to detail and clarity for explaining rules that have rightly made Rodney one of the most important resources in the gaming hobby. If you have ever struggled over a rulebook and haven’t raced to Watch It Played, I will guarantee you will have spent far longer on that rulebook and lost way more hair than you ever needed to. We had the great honour of playing Rajas of the Ganges with Rodney at Airecon in 2019, and I mugged up on the rules sooo much. Regular imbibers of this rag will know my sloth for reading rulebooks is legendary but fortunately ‘er across the table (TM) loves them. But, for the 3 days running up to our trip to Harrogate, I did nothing but read that rulebook - this was THE Rodney Smith, you can’t get a rule wrong with Rodney. But of course, nerves kicked in and I could barely remember the rules of Snap, but the nicest man in the world could not have been nicer. Really, quantum mechanics has proved it. He was just the same man off the computer telly. Funny, engaging, warm and happy to chat as well as play (which I was also really nervous about doing!), if you don’t watch Rodney, are you really internetting?

7) TABLETOP MINIONS

“Pachow” From boardgames to wargames. As well as my slight addiction to cardboard, my other opiate overlord is 28mm plastic miniatures. Specifically those involved in tabletop skirmish games like Malifaux, 7TV, Fallout Wasteland Warfare, GuildBall and a smattering of others. Though recently more focused on the frankly insane amount of content being released by Games Workshop, Tabletop Minions is presented by the splendid Uncle Atom. (In fact, I identify his content so much as Uncle Atom’s stuff that I honestly had to double check the name of the channel for this article!). My plastic habit uncle (sounds so wrong, but so true) has possibly the gentlest delivery of anyone on the internet. It’s not so much content, as therapy. I know the net is awash with AMSR channels at the mo, but if you don’t want to listen to some overmonetized southern californian with some bubble wrap and a large capsule condenser mic, just hop over to TTM and listen to the Uncle for 5 minutes. He’s like a soothing bubble bath of content about painting figures, philosophy of the hobby, general art & design principles, and great life advice. He also wears a fez.

8) GIRL PAINTING

“Hello Tchoobies!” I painted my first 28mm figure when i was about 12ish - it was, ironically, a space marine of some sort - the old clunky Ral Partha ones. It looked terrible, but each model got a bit better till I stopped for some reason a few years later. When I got into Malifaux a few years ago (ie decades, several of them, later), I knew I was going to have to get back into painting; heaps of grey plastic does not a skirmish game make. (Little did I know I would have to revisit my microscopy days either when assembling damn Bayou Gremlins!)  Two channels were recommended to me, the Esoteric Order of Gamers (more later) and Girl Painting. EOG put me on the path to believing I could paint again, but Alexandra at Girl Painting actually made me believe I could learn to do it well. GP’s approach to painting figures, terrain and vehicles is based on solid art theory. Her explanation of colour relationships and the colour wheel is something I can quote to this day. All of the techniques that I lean on so heavily in day to day painting both for table and display I learnt from Girl Painting. Correct use of washes, wet blending,  non-metallic metals, shading, drybrushing, highlighting, model reading, all of it from studying intently, often with a brush actually in my hand while watching the channel. I cannot recommend GP enough if you want to put paint to plastic. Whatever your ability, you will learn something from this hidden gem of a channel.

9) ESOTERIC ORDER OF GAMERS

Another dang fine antipodean and another slightly unusual channel. I have a terrible, terrible memory when it comes to rules. In our early days, we also had a a lot of games with seemingly very over-bloated rulebooks - FFG games basically. I suddenly realised what I wanted was to lift the lid of a box and find in the lid, a summary of the important stuff i needed to remember about the game. Apparently I was not the only one. In 2013 a chap known as Universal Head started publishing an amazing series of rules summaries which condensed down some of the bloatiest rulesbooks down to often one or 2 pages of A4. It was a (pardon the pun) gamechanger for me. I can’t count the number of games in our collection that have a friendly sheet of A4 now as the first thing you see when you open the box. They are brilliant. And he’s still doing it to this day. I would argue that the more useful leg to his activities is the website rather than YouTube channel, but his channel does have the aforementioned brilliant figure painting tutorials, unboxing videos and some crafting stuff. The website is definitely the place for the rules summaries and also a fantastic resource for build-it-yourself foamcore box inserts. Though Folded Space have now made box inserts pretty affordable, there’s still no feeling like the satisfaction of building your own, and I would argue that some of EoG’s designs actually make more sense than some of the Folded Space ones anyway. AND THE OTHER ONES (Who probably don’t really need the exposure, but hey, only 11 people probably read this so......)  Why aren’t these on the list above? Just because I wanted to highlight some of the more marginal channels above or more specialist rather than the pure reviewers. SHUT UP & SIT DOWN Possibly my favourite channel on YouTube, whose name sounds more like a menacing Yorkshire greeting than a boardgame channel. SU&SD seem to be a real Marmite issue on the board game communities. And I genuinely don’t understand it. Yes, their reviews are often really funny but honestly, if that’s all you take away then you are missing some amazingly detailed and thought provoking work. Quinns and crew’s reviews are some of the most measured and balanced reviews in the gameyverse. Their reasoning for the conclusions they come to are incredibly well thought through and often very surprising based on the tone of the rest of the review. They have steered me to some games I would never have looked twice at and steered me away from some very shiny games that I might have blown a lot of money on otherwise. Flagposting great alternatives is also a signature of their reviews, and that again has often lead me to some fantastic games. We don’t always agree (their recent review of 10 Oink Games was savage imho) but we always disagree for the right reasons. Again, I would argue their website is actually a better overall resource, especially their podcasts which are superb, but all their content is fantastic.

in a highly similar vein I would add NO PUN INCLUDED. Efka & Elaine produce some of the most thoughtful and intelligent boardgame review content today, and often for some of the deepest and most complex games. The joy of boardgaming is that it is highly subjective and there are lots of times when NPI like/dislike a game that I do/don’t, but they are engaging and warm enough as presenters to hit you with a gentle subtext that says “It’s ok - I know we like this game, we get that you don’t, it doesn’t make any of us bad people, just people y’know, have a sandwich with us”  Efka criticising a game reminds me of when Dennis Healey once described an argument with Geoffrey Howe as being ‘savaged by a dead sheep’, though not in the cynical manner of the original. The criticism is loaded with that crucial dose of ‘hear me out’ that is sadly lacking in 90% of all other reviewers out there. Efka & Elaine are no GoggleBox reviewers, they are the real deal - they genuinely understand how games work and why. The sheer moral turmoil that Efka expressed over the cultural issues in Rising Sun was some of the most thoughtful YouTube content I have ever seen. I just wanted to do a little shout out to Johannes & Sunniva at BOARD GAMING RAMBLINGS - I don’t have as much to say as they are relatively new on my radar, but I have really enjoyed their content so far and find them to be like one of those adorable gaming couples that you might see every once in a while at your gaming group and have a blast with, and then not see for months and go “Awh - I really miss Johannes & Sunniva - where’d they go?” that feeling, you know the one. Adorable, with a hint of the esoteric. Also, a quick but important mention to the other titan of boardgame rules explanation that is Paul Grogan of GAMING RULES!. Like Rodney Smith, Paul is meticulous about rules explanation and is really clear and simple to follow, even for very heavy games, which Paul tends to do more of than Rodney, which is probably why I end up watching Paul slightly less, but certainly not for any less quality. Paul has such a reputation in the industry that he now works closely with many designers and publishers to help craft the best rulebooks around as a consultant. So that’s it - congrats for making it through folks. Didn’t think it was going to run this long, but turns out.... I quite like a lot of the YouTubers I watch - who knew? Until next time... happy gaming y’all.

[whatrealityisthisagain]

My first attempt at scrying was powerful and confusing until speaking with my sister the next day.

My whole session was a very last minute decision. I got a pyramid mirror holder with an eye shape sculpted into it and a circular obsidian mirror for the pupil. I had no idea what scrying even was. I thought it was just writing stuff down or something. So I read into a bit and found that I was very wrong. 

Scrying, to my understanding now, is the act of gazing into the past, present, or future; OR into the other realms like looking through a window. 

So what do I do as a newer practitioner that didn't even know what the word scrying meant?

Gazed into the other realms. *Keep reading, it gets better.*

With my mirror came a little incantation to invoke the mirror's ability and only allow that - for the greater good - through. Along with that, I had sage at the ready, a black candle for protection, an incent with built in protection, my statues of Ganesh, and all of my alter stuff and tools at the ready just in case. I may be rash, but not a complete fool 😜

So I turned off the lights, lit my candles and incent, invoked Ganesh and Isis and all my other stalker-protectors, and read my incantation. Then I gazed at the mirror, and waited. 

... and waited...

I could see my reflection, which was kinda awkward, so I tried refocusing my eyes, but that wasn't helping with shit either. So I tried moving further away, which also didn't help! I ended up deciding "oh well" and just going with the flow. 

I was having a really hard time focusing on my mirror, but the smoke drawing across from my incent to candle flame was VERY eye catching! Naturally, I decided to focus on that instead for a bit. 

Smoke has a magick all it's own. I love watching it dance, love watching as it flows and swirls playfully through the air, and the flame added to the dance beautifully! I was content watching the wisps make their beautiful shapes and felt that was enough from this ritual to at least give some peace and harmony to myself and surroundings.

The glowing fiery eyes looking back at me through my mirror had a different idea though. When I saw them after watching the harmonious smoke twirl through the air, I'll admit I was a bit shocked. She definitely knew that, and disappeared, but I explained to her - if she was still listening - that it was a shock to see her and I'd love to chat if she didn't have evil or negative intentions. I also reaffirmed my invocation with Isis and Ganesh just in case, cause 🤷‍♀️ya never know. 

The eyes returned with a slight flicker of a skull (I forgot the skull part until the next day) then disappeared for the most part, but her presence stayed. She also flickered on and off the mirror throughout the session. 

Never having done this, I wasn't too sure what to do so I started just asking questions. 

Who are you? No answer. (I thought, but after talking to my sister the next day, a memory was triggered of a skull once more flashing in the mirror) 

Are you my guardian? No answer. (That I remember) 

Are you me? No. 

Are you with me? Yes. 

Do you have ill intent with me? No. 

How often are you with me? Always. 

Are you with me now? Yes. 

I could feel this being's power, and didn't quite trust her, but didn't distrust her either. To be safe though, I lit some sage and glanced at my Ganesh Idol. 

What do you want? The smoke immediately did a 90° change in course from going across the mirror to the candle on the other side, to swirling and dancing to me. 

So... you want me? A flash across the mirror was my answer this time. 

She asked to come through, but I refused her. No one gets to come through no matter who or what they are. That's my rule. 

*this next part I forgot until I talked to my sister the next day, and she triggered the memory back*

I still don't know who you are? You've flashed a skull and red eyes a few times so I'm pretty confident you have something to do with death. 

Yes. 

Is someone going to die? Yes.

 

Am I going to die? No. 

Is it grandma? [My grandmother is 92 and her health has been going bit by bit]No. 

Is it family? 

Possibly

Is it a friend? 

Another flash of light across my mirror followed by thickening smoke. 

Is it someone I know now? 

No answer.

Is it someone I will know?

Flash of red-fire eyes (which I took to mean yes)

*I can't remember if there was more to that, but the rest I remembered before talking to my sister*

My flickering candle distracted me for a moment, so I looked at the flame, then back to my mirror and saw a shadowy figure standing right behind me where the eyes would flicker on and off before instead of the imprinted flame that would usually follow. 

Oh. Hello! You still can't come through. 

Okay. 

.... *awkward silence*

Sorry about the interrogation... I'm very new at this and wasn't really sure what I was supposed to do... *my customer services training screaming at me internally*

.... *silent humor*

... So you're always with me...

Flash of fire eyes= Yes

Have you always, always been with me? 

Yes *I could feel her gleaming smile of anticipation then the smoke caught my eye again*

... Were you with me in my fog? 

Yes *here I lost it. I knew this presence felt familiar! And now I knew why! She was there through my hell! And she was there even further than Hell and it's demons dared to venture with me. 

Her shadow appeared again in the reflection, I'm not sure if her eyes appeared with the shadow or after it disappeared, but I almost remember her hand on my shoulder. 

Have you been protecting me? 

Yes. *memories of me crying on the floor because I didn't have strength to crawl into bed, and a soothing hand glinding across my head in comfort, an invisible hug engulfing me when everything just hurt, a small glimmer of hope appearing when I was ready to give up, an invisible hand holding mine in the dark, a fog surrounding me when I was ready to end my life raced through my head*

Thank you *I said through my sobs*

I don't remember exactly how my transition went from there, she obviously didn't want me to remember everything - yet at least. 

I do remember closing the session, putting out my incent, turning on the light, and blowing out my candle. I believe the Guardian of the west helped me close the session because my black candle was out and I magickally had a blue candle that was never lit during the session when reading the closing incantation. 

I then turned out the light, and not a moment after getting under my covers my older sister sends me a text of a purple sunset. The message with it:

"A purple sunset 💕 gramma is waving at you from NZ"

My grandma passed away 5ish years ago. 

Do I think the presence was my grandma? At first, yes. But not anymore.

The next day, I called my younger sister and told her about it. I explained the eyes that weren't red persay but made of fire and the shadow behind me. I didn't get too far in before she said:

"That sounds like a Grim Reaper"

... 🤯 THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!!!*this is where the memories of talking to "Death" came back* OH MY GOD JESSE YOU'RE A GENIUS!! 

Then more memories came flooding back. 

My fog that I always hated because it took away ALL of my energy and splotches of time from me was her. Maybe not all her, but her presence was definitely the most potent in the fog. 

She was the reason I felt trapped in thick bubble full of - you guessed it - a suffocating fog. Blocking EVERYTHING out. Sounds were muffled as if being spoken through warped glass or a closed door. The world around me was smokey and blurred, and I could never focus my eyes to get a clear picture. I couldn't feel my feet on the ground. When I walked, it felt like I was floating, but I also couldn't stay in the moment to experience the walk between destinations. I couldn't smell or taste. I didn't have the energy to do anything outside of auto pilot. To lift a knife, or look for pills I didn't flush before getting bad. To be able to drive off that cliff or jump off the edge of the mountain. 

When I did have the energy? 

I jumped through time. Literally. One moment I was lying in my bed wondering if I'd get sleep, the next I was at my desk halfway through the workday. One second I was cutting something for dinner and admiring the knife, the next I was in my driveway After work the next day.

In addition to that, I realized that she was my companion in the dark. When I'd cry alone in my room, she was the force that hugged me when no one else would/could. 

When I held my hand over the side of my bed at night begging for the demons to drag me to Hell or anywhere but here, hers was the hand that reached to hold mine instead. 

Going back further, I realized she really was always there! Even in my younger days, when I wouldn't let anyone know that I was suicidal. When I'd hide it with a smile. She was the one that gave the specks of hope. In my fog, even in the worst moments, she was the one that gave me atom-sized specks of hope that made me hold on for just a split second more. For my papers to be signed. For me to finally just say what I want. For me to finally be me. 

My fog wasn't my torture...

It was my savior. 

My Grim Reaper, is my protector.

-whatrealityisthisagain

[mattpitman]

The precipice.

Wow. What a week. 

I am not entirely sure where it was more chaotic, in my remote classroom or in the political arena. I gave my thoughts on all of that last week and I’m still very much in the same place. I’m feeling fortunate to live in Victoria, that is for sure. I can’t wait to stroll the busy streets of Melbourne again...

The chaos in the classroom is actually great though. The remote learning environment is a hive of activity. It has been well documented by many in the education sector that the energy and time commitment required of online/remote/continuous learning is substantially more than what many anticipated or had experienced in the classroom. But it’s also, so rewarding! 

There were days it used to feel like pulling teeth when asking for feedback, questions or concerns in the physical classroom, but online, it’s a rush of queries and challenging thoughts. Students are engaging with their content with an enthusiasm that I really didn’t anticipate, and the communication! Students are messaging and emailing ahead of time when they are unable to meet a specific task requirement and providing an alternative. Truly inspiring what can happen when you leave a young person to “fend” for themselves.

There are negatives of course. I am reminded of the distance every time I check in with my students via video conference, that the personal and social component is a large percentage of what makes teaching such a great profession. But while the social distance is substantial at the moment, it won’t be forever, and it will quickly change when it is appropriate and safe to return to schools. The pedagogy however, well that is a completely different story.

With all of this talk about going back to school, I find myself reflecting on this ongoing remote learning experience and how positive it has been for me personally. It has without a doubt changed the way I intend to teach when we return to the college grounds, and I am pretty excited about that. Rejuvenated perhaps is the right word. Much of what I have learned or intend to take back is probably old news, but it has energised me and that is what really counts.

With a looming date for the end of the State of Emergency in Victoria, I can’t help but think that we are on the precipice of great change again in education. This time it isn’t how - as in “how are we going to shift everything online in such a short period of time?”, but what - as in “what are we going to take back with us?”. 

I previously spoke about my experiences and reflected about my own re-working of practice and development of a model for my classes. Some of that is on this blog and also in a couple of LinkedIn articles (here: “You helped me. Thanks”, and here: “I watched my students learn from a distance. It was awesome”). I intend to keep my three lesson model when we return. Today though, I thought I would reflect on my biggest personal learnings and why I believe they will be held very tightly as I jump off this cliff and back into the physical teaching environment - whenever that may be.

1. Less instruction, more construction 

I see myself now as a facilitator, not a teacher. I do not belong at the front of the class as the “expert”. My primary role is to create an environment in which my students can become the experts. Online I don’t set tasks, I share tasks. Online I observe my students challenging, exploring and creating, while providing guidance and feedback where I can from a distance. I have said previously “put away your spoons, the students can feed themselves” and I meant it. Across this journey so far I’ve seen an increase in the quality of work from my strongest students to my lowest achievers, and to be honest those classifications mean nothing in the remote learning world. Where students have wanted to be involved, they have succeeded because this environmental change has supported their individuality.

Part of this I attribute to drastically reducing the amount of content rather than attempting to replicate and mimic the traditional classroom. I think all teachers facilitators would agree, that student feedback is some of the most meaningful. Especially, unprovoked feedback. A number of students have provided me with surprise thoughts, opinions and thanks across the last three weeks and it’s been incredibly meaningful and allowed me to be more productive in my role. They love the more focussed and reduced workload. They have time to work through the content and time to process its application to their world, rather than in service of an assessment task. The return to the physical classroom environment will be a drastic change to what has quickly become habitual, but I intend to maintain the quality over quantity mindset, freeing up time for discussion and conversation. Not all of the time allocated to the lesson has to be “on task”. Creativity, curiosity and critical thinking is not the stuff of textbook questions, it is more exploratory and I won’t be looking backward. 

Less instruction, more construction means less of my voice and more of theirs.

2. Blended, not mashed 

Technology and education have an interesting history. Sometimes it feels forced, other times it is a miracle classes were taught without it. This experience has demonstrated to me that my students are tech-savvy, but also select with the application of their abilities. Today’s young people thrive on choices. They are incredible when you want a video published on social media or a code written for gaming platform but when it comes to spreadsheets or word processing or conducting research on a fixed topic outside of that interest - they may be disengaged.

This experience has shown me the value of sharing a task and giving the students the room to engage with it. Technology used in this way is not forced or out of place, it is ingrained. This isn’t a PowerPoint to support a 40 minute lecture, it’s a recorded 5 minute video, followed by a research question, to formulate a response for the discussion forum and the basis for a class debate. I don’t envisage this classroom to have students in rows of chairs with books and pens. It’s students outside, in the hallway and on the floor, engaging with the content as they choose. This is taking the wins from the remote learning period and applying them to the strengths of the physical classroom.

This is not just lashing technology to the side of the lesson and hoping it stays attached. This is creating a lesson that is designed to give the students control of the pace and allow them to discover with more freedom.

Blended, not mashed means less information and more exploration.

3. Connection instead of direction

In my role as a House Leader it sometimes feels like I only contact parents and they only contact me with concerns or to schedule meetings and of course, at parent teacher interviews. Since moving to remote learning however, I have found that communication between parents, students and staff has been much more free flowing and spontaneous. Perhaps this is because many parents find themselves temporarily working from home also and the barrier of conflicting schedules has been removed. In any case, the level of parent, student and my own engagement is high. I love it.

While I would say I am fortunate to teach secondary education, and a lot of what I am talking about here is framed to that particular environment, the shared responsibility of parents, students and teachers in guiding a learner on their journey has never been more evident. Weekly updates of concepts, tasks and their application have been met with parent support and gratitude. Allowing those parents the intel they need to politely inquire or praise and congratulate their 17-18 year old child in the least intrusive manner possible. At my school we are currently in process of a 3-week parent-teacher interview cycle (via phone) and the conversations have reflected both the parents understanding that the learning is their child’s responsibility but the support is ours to share. Incredibly valuable and rewarding!

Connection instead of direction means less reporting and more supporting.

This is the precipice

Do we jump and be curious and adaptive? Or do we step backward and return to the safety of the land?

I don’t believe there is any long term benefit of returning to the “old way” of doing things. The short term comfort in going back to what we “used to do” will not last. It might be uncomfortable initially, but all forward thinking and future focused movements are slow, painful and challenging for individual's but, the rewards are potentially huge for whole communities.

Going back to a pre-corona model of education would be to the benefit and comfort of certain teachers only. Students would suffer. 

So it is time to consider why we got into this game and whether we are ready to continue changing it.

Will you jump with me?

This is the precipice.

Here’s a few things that have inspired me this past week as an educator and a leader:

Educator Perspectives on the Impact of COVID-19 on Teaching and Learning 

(https://www.linkedin.com/posts/mattlukepitman_pivot-state-of-education-2020-white-paper-activity-6661744495702474752-1in6)

Pivot Professional Learning along with Education Perfect ran a series of fantastic webinars this week, highlighting the incredible effort of educators across Australia and NZ. Pivot also, in a massive effort, collected a ton of data and has put together this report. Definitely worth a read, very insightful stuff.

Continuous Learning Toolkit Vol. II | Leading Through Crisis 

(https://www.linkedin.com/posts/mattlukepitman_continuous-learning-toolkit-volume-ii-activity-6661169533031723008-sP68)

I continue to be unashamed in how much I love their podcast, but a close second to that is The Game Changers (Adriano & Phil) Continuous Learning Toolkit. This second volume presents a number of innovative and game-changing schools, their models, frameworks and stories. For any aspiring Game Changer this is a must read!

Future Agendas for Global Education: Executive Summary 

(https://issuu.com/4796376/docs/gef.agenda_eng)

Sold to me as “an excellent report that should be read by every school leader and educational policy maker” this summary is a long read but an engaging and inspiring one. Worth your time if you have it and if you don’t, make some!