#why people sexualize mental disorders idk

[siblingskissing]

vance hcs pleeeeease 🤲

Vance Hopper Headcanons

-Momma's boyMomma's boyMomma's boyMomma's boyMomma's boyMomma's boy -Vance has anger issues that I believe are both trauma based and also possibly an undiagnosed disorder/mental health issue. It was the 70s so he likely wouldn't have been diagnosed but you see what I mean -He's not rich but he's also not dirt poor either. I imagine his dad probably has a really nice job and forced his mom to be a housewife/caregiver 24/7. That being said- Vance has a pretty humble mindset when it comes to finances despite the fact -When Vance went missing he was out walking after a fight with his old man- likely had some bruising already when the Grabber tried coaxing him into helping him. I feel like Vance probably didn't try to help but rather tried to fight him and that's how he grabbed him

- (I'm not gonna go into my headcanons for his captivity in this post but I will happily do a separate post if yall want that)

-Vance hates sweets but sour candy has a grip on his soul -He also loves salty foods

-His style is inspired by both his own need to rebel but also his mom's style when she was younger. I think she had hair similar to this:

-I think she actually has dark hair to and the color comes from his dad's side

-Vance actually is really smart and would do well in school if he was given the chance. however, do to both his environment and his temper he can't actually show that -He loves dogs. He prefers cats some days but he likes to feed the stray dogs that sit in the alleys -He loves bananas. Ever since he was a toddler he would munch on them. His mother once got concerned that he had a potassium issue. Nope. Just likes banana -He's allergic to kind of a lot. Cinnamon, peanuts,almonds, eggs, honestly he has a laundry list of allergens that his mom keeps handy -Thankfully most of his allergies (minus the peanuts and almonds) are mostly just irritants so he can still eat things he likes. However those two will kill him. -He likes horror films but isn't huge on them. He'll sometimes sneak into the drive in to watch them but that's more for the rush than the actual film. His favourite horror film is Halloween -I don't have a specific sexuality headcanoned for him. I guess most people would say Pansexual but i think he's unlabelled. He doesn't like many people but if he gets involved with someone? Well, good for them. -chocolate chip pancakes lover -Watches the Twilight Zone with his mom every week. His favorite episode is 'To Serve Man' - Vance always secretly wanted to be a firefighter when he got older. He thought they were cool and when he was like 5 he used to play with his mom that he was a firefighter rescuing her. - His favourite ice cream flavour is vanilla. He does not care that it's basic, he likes the simplicity and how its not too sweet. -Same reason he likes dark chocolate. -IDK why but I imagine him as an older brother?? Maybe his mom had a little girl after him or was pregnant when he went missing. -IDK but either way he is so protective. -He hates reading with a passion. He hates silence and he hates being silent the entire time he reads. He does however enjoy when people read to him/he can follow along with someone reading. -Rip vance you would've loved audiobooks -Know how I said he likes horror? He HATES horror stories. They aren't as fun for him and he things they're boring -I imagine he has a very clean room for some reason?? Like he likes things to be in their place, how he likes it and its organized for his needs -Kinda similar in the idea of this?? Like i doubt he has tons of decor but he has what he needs

-Secret art kid. He's really good at drawing but doesn't do it much outside of his room. He prefers traditional pencil drawings since paint leaves too much residue but if he gets his hands on colored pencils? He flourishes. -rip vance you would've loved alcohol markers-

[jassylife]

my ocs and their trauma or disorders

still the same Ik y’all but lazy lol

Brian: Abuse(family abuse) and experimented; being abused by his parents and calling him stupid or dumb(he not his parents are) the only family member who care is his uncle, got kidnapped by someone wearing all black to an lab and turn him into an otter like bear, has no disorders

Davis: dead parents, injuries, experimented, anger issues, and trust issues: yes his parents died from an fire building with is his apartment, he got his eye stabbed by one of the Blood soldiers, got his mouth burnt by one of the flames, (the army isn’t an normal military it’s an terrorist military) and then got experimented(not just only him survived Demi too but she got stabbed but didn’t really died but hides her back where she got stabbed with a coat or a sweater to hide it and Davis hide his scars where he got stabbed or burnt with an eyepatch and a mask) since he always moody and aggressive a lot he just only trust his childhood friends and his sister not everyone, he got hurt a lot but didn’t cared

Mikey: don’t have any trauma or disorders he just a happy mouse

Dave: injuries and experimented: he got also kidnapped and was turn into an coyote and always get hurt a lot

Joel: mental health, PTSD, eating disorders, manipulation, and experimented: his parents are German cannibals and forced him to eat meat(he not vegetarian or vegan he likes meat but dislikes human meat as a human child) everyday he eats breakfast, lunch, or dinner it’s always human meat and makes him to kills people and eat them since they are wanted criminals(Joel become a criminal after he got kidnapped) he also got experimented and turn into a dog like rabbit, he always crazy or insane(got possessed by an virus named Insane) and on an killing spread, whenever he hear noises or recognize weapons, blood, dead bodies, etc from his childhood he goes insane and always gets really very aggressive

Obi: experimented: he was also kidnapped again and turn into an rabbit

Kat: mother issues, humanitarian, bullying, experimented, depression, ADHD and suicidal: the reason why she wears an coat she hides her childhood scars from her mother, bullies, or herself to stay happy, her mom always force her to stay happy or she will send her to the laboratory to be experimented, her school everyone makes fun of her just she never talks to people(she used to be an introvert) she always sad and hyper all the time as a child and when she is now an teenager she still hyper but loses her sadness, she was taken away and turn into an fox

Jackson: experimented, injuries, dead parents, mental health: he gots a lot of anger and sadness, his parents died of murder by the same kidnappers who kidnapped Brian, Davis, Joel, Kat, Tina, etc, he kept getting more and more hurt but never feel pain at all, he was experimented and turn into an prehistoric creature

Johnson: Thalassophobia and experimented: he had a fear is being drown every day his family goes to the pool, beach, lake, water parks, or anywhere is water he won’t go in the water and trying to stay on land and overthinks his family will drown that he is fear of drowning, he was kidnapped while playing in the sand while with his dad and his family are in the water the kidnapper kidnapped him and shot Johnson’s dad but didn’t died, and got experimented and turn into an badger

Tina: sexual harassment, father issues, mothers girl, experimented, sexualized, sexual abuse: her dad isn’t a good person he abused her but sexually and started touching her and hitting her, her mom is the only grown up who cares about her including her other female and male family members does expect her dad, after running to her mom and yelling for help becuz of her dad Joel killed him and eats his guts but later Joel, Tina, Kai, Tailika are kidnapped and turn into rabbits(Tina and Tailika and Kai but Joel is both rabbit and dog)

that’s all y’all also this account is an horror and any type of content but idk if you scare of horror or anything idk

[traumatizeddfox]

Idk where I stand on the term narc abuse but 2 things to bring up.

First, the jury is out on if abuse via narcissistic tendencies (not related to npd inherently) via specifically the term "narc abuse" is real or not. Theres both official and unofficial sources, charities, University/medical journals, etc that acknowledge it as different from more common forms of abuse/how the abuse is brought on and why (someone being physically abused due to their abuser being on drugs and over-reacting to a small trigger vs someone getting physically abused due to percieved sin/religious undertones will have varying experiences, ones that reasonably involve different labels) this warrants a different label and plenty that do not and criticize it. I won't judge a terminology when even medical professionals can't seem to decide yay or nay. I just figured I'd mention it because the only way people know this term usually is TikTok but it's actually older than TikTok, they just picked it up. There is a difference between someone with npd and someone whose a narcissist in a non-medical/mood/personality disorder way and I do think the people trying to use the term should differentiate the two but to be fair, most people don't even know about npd and therefore would only be talking about egotistical people, not nessesarily pwnpd. I also think it's nessesary to bring up that Tumblr has obscure and hyper niche veiws on topics with zero room for conversation and just as plenty of pwnpd on Tumblr are adverse to the term, there also plenty of pwnpd on Tumblr and other platforms who acknowled/support it as a term, do not take offense and/or understand its usage and what it means without direct correlation to the disorder but more as a grouping of actions/beliefs with the label outside of medical contexts. The term narcissist and the actions associated have existed as a stand alone personality type (like sloth doesn't automatically mean someone with Chronic fatigue syndrome or Thief doesn't mean kleptomaniac) long before the disorder got its name and associations, plenty of people call egoists narcissists and it's not offensive suddenly. Understanding words have multiple meanings and contexts is important here, Rape dosent even automatically mean sexual assualt, sometimes it just means steal or kidnapping. All this to say it's budding mental health related language, it will take what already exists and expand upon it. Same as when the words triggers and gaslighting got popular then promptly died. Your free to take your stance, I'm not invalidating it, I'm just sharing some facts cause as a long time user of Tumblr, it seriously screwed my views of the world and narrowed them to a pin prick about what's acceptable and agreed upon and what isn't and should be shunned. Only after stepping outside the site did I learn just how little 90% of discourse here actually matters and affects the world at large. Consider this whole part devil's advocate but presenting only the people who side with you as evidence when this isn't a "is climate change real?" Sort of stance where 98% of the field agrees is disingenuous. The field is split here and very few people are actually considering this label to specifically mean pwnpd and more mean specific forms of mental and emotional abuse and neglect that usually comes from a place where the abuser sees themselves as better than others, see the victims as threats to their high standing and see others as means to their ends. Again, Idk if I support the term or not, I'm just relaying information.

Lastly, #2, trying to say that anyone who feels they are a victim of specifically "narc abuse" is just trying to "feel special" is fucking horrific and invalidating regardless of your feelings on the term. Regardless of the words they use to describe the abuse they experienced, they still experienced abuse and trying to imply they are lieing or attention-seeking is fundamentally abuse-apologist shit. The same shit gets said to every other victim of abuse and just because you don't like the label dose not mean they think they are special or different and what they describe is suddenly not fucking abuse. They are still actively victims even if they arnt perfect ones. I'm disabled, I'm fully aware if the term "disabled abuse" came out cause a few people got beat with grandma's cane or their disabled abuser used their mobility aid to hurt them I'd be fighting it cause that's not fair and disabled only means one thing, however, I would never EVER invalidate their trauma from that physical abuse. I would never say they never experienced any wrongs or they think they are special cause it was abuse from a disabled person. No matter where you stand, that was a fucking terrible thing to say and imply. You can shit on a label without invalidating real victims of real abuse. No one in this debate was questioning the victims until you just did, they only criticized the label they were using. You can get that victim-blaming perfect-victim shit and shove it up your ass. And no, I'm not a victim of that form of abuse, if it even exists, but I can see shit when I hear it and that was shit. Shame on you for that.

Okay first thing I want to say first is this. i am sorry if u read my post and misread it or misinterpreted what i was saying. i was not victim blaming anyone lmfao. I was NOT invalidating anyone when I said those who have been abused by narcissists think theyre special. what I was trying to say is that the language around narc abuse is that victims seem to talk about it like its a worse type of abuse. i see people say "if you have been abused by a narcissist its because they saw how special u are!!" and i think thats not ok to tell victims bc victims will romantizie why they were abused!! i remember believing my abuser (who does have npd btw) only abused me bc i was so special and he hated that!! but in reality, he abused me because he's an abuser. an abuser might be triggered by someone, they might hate someone and thats why they abuse. an abuser might have a disorder that can make them react abusively, but its because theyre an abuser. there are plenty of ppl without disorders who abuse, and there are those with npd who dont also abuse. its not a hive mind.

i do not understand why u think i was telling someone that they werent abused. if u spend more than 2 seconds on my blog u will know i validate everyone who has ever been a victim, and those who will become victims.

BUT my point was there are victims out there who seem to treat narc abuse like its a badge. we dont walk around and say ptsd abuse bc ppl would lose their shit if we ever did that. "Narc abuse" is not anything different than any other kind of abuse. can an abuser have npd? yes. can the npd make an abuser respond in a unique or different way? yes same with any pd. but narc abuse is just emotional abuse. ppl will say narc abuse and then go onto explain everything that an abuser does. "Theyre selfish" "They want control" yeah thats an abuser. i think the problem is people now look at symptoms of abuse and say narcissist. i literally see ppl call anyone a narcissist these days.

the issue i have with this as well is that i have seen and heard victims wonder if they are valid because their abuser doesnt have npd bc these victim spaces especially Tiktok have created this belief that abusers are narcissists and ONLY narcissists. can they be? yes. but can an abuser also be a neurotypical? yes.

abusers are just abusers. we dont need to slap some label on there. now is there different levels of abuse? yes ofc. emotional abuse, physical, spiritual, financial, etc are all different kinds of abuse. being abused by ur mother is different than being abused by ur teacher, or partner, etc. but it doesnt mean its worse. ofc there are SITUATIONS that can be considered "worse" in the eyes of the law but at the end of the day. abuse is abuse. a broken ankle is still a broken ankle no matter how it got broken.

victims are all on the same playing field but they try to fight each other and we need to stand together and realize that abusers are the issue!! i dont have any ISSUE or problem with victims who say they were abused by a narcissist but i do have an issue when ppl say narc abuse. and i know a lot of victims who say narc abuse might not even realize what theyre saying. i remember being that person until i started to talk to pwpd, espeically npd, did more research and realized how stigmatizing it is.

the MAIN issue with saying narc abuse is that what ur saying to people with npd that 1) they are not valid if they have been abused. 2) they are abusers. this is dangerous because its generalizing an entire group of those with a disorder that can not change or fix. a lot of victims worry if they have been the abuser bc abusers fuck with ur head thinking ur the bad guy, so if someone with npd sees a post that says all narcissists are abusers they might believe they are one when they arent. im speaking very general. every person with npd is a unique person and i dont SUPPORT every single person with npd bc ofc there are monsters out there who are also abusers , but i do support that people with npd get support and are also included when ppl say mental health matters, or believe all victims.

no one is saying that those with npd cant be abusers, what were trying to change is the language !!! before people believe everyone with schizophrenia was a violent killer until we learned that is not true. we need to do the same with personality disorders.

the history of the word rape does come from the meaning to steal, seize, or carry away but there is PLENTY of words we use in today that are not the same. just look up the history of the word "mother fucker" and you will never want to ever say that ever again. but i dont see what this has to do with ur point in mental health. no one would ever say rape when they mean "steal" we just dont use that word in that way anymore. but to add to this, its a great example as a way to change the meaning of narcissists to be only used for those with the disorder. (yeah ppl can have narcisstic tendencies, we ALL have some level of it, its how we survive but thats different than having a disorder.)

i know tumblr has always had weird takes, and some stuff is strictly an online discourse and doesnt happen irl, but that doesnt mean we cant change the way people view mental health. people have misused gaslighting, triggers, but that doesn't mean we cant stop or change that. most people learn to adapt.

but to finish, i understand where ur coming from and im sorry if u saw my post and were upset but when i see others with npd wishing they could die because they feel like a monster just because they have a diagnosis, it shatters me knowing they feel like there is no support. even therapists are sketchy with pwpd. i just think that we need to change the language around abuse. just say abuse idk why thats so hard!

[dogfags]

rambles about gender and how I don't understand it

I think I'm just too autistic to understand the concept of gender or rly.. figure out my own gender identity. like I don't think I even have one? I want to live my life as a man and present and be seen as one. but I don't FEEL any kind of gender. like transitioning was more of an aesthetic choice for how I want to look and be seen by others. but "gender" is such a vague concept to me and I never felt any kind of gender I just do things and people ascribe gender to them. like when I was a kid I did not think about gender at all until puberty started and I began having trans thoughts™ and day dreaming about swapping bodies with boys I knew or becoming a boy or pretending to be a boy on the internet. I guess I don't feel like I'm nonbinary bc most nonbinary people I've met at least still feel and understand gender. but I don't even get it in other people really. like I know gender and presentation are different but presentation is kinda all gender is to me. if there's nothing physical to ascribe to gender and it's just an abstract concept I literally cannot wrap my head around that. which is partially why I don't understand some GNC trans people. not that I ever question them or tell them they're fake but I just don't get it? I don't get how you can "feel" a gender but not want to present or be seen as that gender. if there's nothing physical for me to hold onto I don't really understand gender as a concept. I consider myself a trans man bc I take T and got surgery to look more like one so that I can live as a man in society. so if people aren't doing those things I just don't get why they're trans bc to me trans isn't a feeling.... gender is not a feeling... when people say they "feel" like a man or woman I literally cannot fathom what they mean. I don't and have never "felt" like a man. if I wanted to I could have just lived as a woman my whole life. like I would have been depressed/suicidal bc I have gender dysphoria but I still COULD have. it's confusing to me that all trans people have a different experience of being trans and like there's no real set of symptoms or whatever to ascribe to transness bc everyone is so different. I don't know what makes me trans. I suspect for me it's just a mental disorder that comes from my C-PTSD and history of sexual trauma. I tried living as a woman and I fucking hated it, but like idk. with enough therapy maybe I could have been "saved" from transitioning lmfao idk. I have accepted a while ago that I am not a typical trans person and don't have the experience most trans people have nor do I understand others experiences. that's why I feel so alienated from the trans community. I don't "feel" trans. and for a long time I rejected any specific labels and I am starting to get back to that but "trans" just makes sense for me in how it is literally defined. I've read a lot of radfem stuff and queer theory stuff trying to make sense of it from all angles. sometimes I can follow the logic. sometimes I'm just like, no this makes no sense for me. maybe for other trans people but not me. I'm in a weird place bc I'm dating a cis gay man and I don't feel.. worthy? to be doing that? like, idk. I feel like he'd be happier with another cis man. but maybe not. who knows. if all I am is a woman who wants to live as a man then that's fine with me, I don't really care what gender I am lol. I just know how I want to look and present to the public eye. this is why ppl think I'm truscum or whatever but I'm not, I don't push my feelings about my own gender onto others. I don't rly care what other people do and call themselves even if I don't "get it." by some definitions I am nonbinary but I have little interest in exploring that as an identity for myself as I've done it before and just feel more dysphoria at the fact I am not "really a man" but some mysterious third thing. I have theories about where my gender dysphoria comes from but none of it is proven and it's kind of a waste of time to dwell on it. anywayyyyyy

[redheadbigshoes]

TW: pedophilia mention and rape mention

It’s so tiring whenever I see discourse involving pedophilia because whenever it’s about this I know there will be ignorants saying shit they have no idea about. Which I kinda understand because people get mad when it comes to hurting kids, but spreading misinformation won’t help at all.

note that I’m only explaining things, this isn’t an opinion

A lot of people say “pedophilia is a crime”. Well technically it isn’t (I’m talking about the country I live in: Brazil). Pedophilia basically means being sexually attracted to children, it’s a paraphilia (which basically means sexual fantasies that are atypical). There’s a lot of people who have those fantasies and don’t actually act on them. Child abuse is a crime. Kids less than 14 yo having sex (no matter the age of the person they’re having sex with) is a crime.

Saying pedophilia is a crime is like saying thinking about killing someone is a crime. The thought of it, fantasizing about it (no matter how wrong and disgusting it is) it’s not a crime.

There’s a lot of pedophiles who never act on their fantasies just as there are a lot of people who have sexually abused children that are not pedophiles. It might be a surprise to a lot of you but, just like other types of rapists, not every child abuser abuses kids because they’re attracted to kids, a lot of the times it’s actually about power dynamics (idk if this is the correct term in english).

Derailing a little bit here but this is why there’s so many cases of men rapists and women who’re victims of them (obviously rooted in misogyny). Because a lot of the time those men aren’t exactly interested in the arousal and the attraction part of having non-consensual sex with women, it’s about showing they have power over them.

I think people misuse a lot this term so this is why there’s so much false information being spread.

So pedophilia is currently considered a mental disorder by WHO and by DSM. That’s why saying every child abuser is a pedophile is just wrong, a lot of them might not be diagnosed with pedophilia.

Pointing out it is considered a disorder does not mean defending child abuse like a lot of people with absolutely no comprehension skills think.

[bubbleslimesoda]

Sharing My Story

Trigger Warning for mentions of: Eating disorders, abuse, emotional blackmail, self harm, threats of  suicide, sexual assault, physical assault, racism, homophobia/bigotry ideals and manipulation

^Please only read if you have read the warning!^

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for some times as it has been so many years and yet I still get PTSD from this.

When I was 15-16 I was in a relationship with someone I’ll just call ‘that guy’/‘guy’ (I don’t even want to give him a creative name). I will also specify that he is the same age as me although when I started dating him I was told by a doctor that my mental age was apparently “half my actual age”.

Now I can’t even remember how this relationship started because to me it felt like “Oh we’ve been hanging out for a long time, I guess we’re going out now” also just to make it clear I had only been in one other relationship before this one and I’d felt the same way, I currently identify as grey aro/ace although I still question myself on it.

And a small detail about before this relationship, I had actually witnessed ‘that guy’ grab a half full bottle of water and hold a student while repeatedly hitting them really really hard with it, idk why at the time I didn’t see this as a red flag but then again I was about 14-15.

In this relationship at first I was told to be quiet about it unless I’d expressed how it made me feel sad as I was to feel like ‘that guy’ was ashamed of me for some reason.

I don’t want to go into full detail of every single thing that happened as it was very traumatic so the less I think about it the better. I’m going to make a list of things that happened instead.

• Kicked me in the head

• Hit me on my lower back

• Pulled my arm so hard my shoulder was in pain for a few weeks

• Bullied my ex and tried to convince me that my ex assaulted me

• Told me that I was “practically a boy” because I was bi (I wasn’t at the time) and that he was a girl because he was bi (Just pointing out how he seems to associate someone’s sexually with their gender identity)

• Would start an argument if I show little discomfort/felt upset by something he did or said

• Said he would kill my favourite tv show characters if he got the chance (I’m autistic and I think you can see why telling an autistic teen this is pretty fucked up)

• Made fun of and got angry at me for my autistic traits such as not liking loud sounds, bright lights and repetitive sounds and motion

• Referred to my eating disorder, ARFID as “being a picky eater” and when I expressed it upset me he showed no remorse and said he was “just joking”

• Putting words in my mouth. For example if he asked “Why would someone suddenly be acting different?” And I would reply “Idk. A big change in their life, loss of someone close, drugs, alcohol, into something new, money?” He would turn around say I was accusing him of doing drugs (I really don’t know how he would make those stretches)

• Manipulated me into acting in a way that was more sexual than what I was comfortable with

• Would then tell me off for said behaviour but then would make remarks or show disinterest in me when I stopped

• Touched me without permission or while I was asleep even though I had expressed discomfort or even said no (I would wake up from it or have noticeable signs of it when I woke up)

• Made jokes about Asian people’s eyes

• Isolated me from friends and made it so I could only be friends with his friends

• Threats of self harm and taking his own life when he wouldn’t get his way

I know that was long and thank you if you’ve read this far. This is very hard for me to write as I keep needing to take breaks to calm myself down.

When I was 15-16 I was very into Rick and Morty and I suggested it to ‘that guy’ since I genuinely thought he would like it. He said we’d watched it before but I pointed out that he was never paying attention to which he just seemed to flip out about. I told him it wasn’t going to work to which he threatened self harm and worse so I agreed to stay with him. The next day he then “broke up with me” as far as I was concerned it had already ended when I said it wasn’t going to work but we still tried to be friends.

After that I had so many nice and kind people come back into my life which I was a very emotional thing for me because it felt like I was asleep or cut off from reality before hand. It seemed that the rest of the school knew about ‘guy’s’ behaviour as no one wanted to talk to him or be friends with him after everything, we could just stand in this corner staring at me and my friends while texting as we spent our breaks talking and such.

A few days after it happened I was sat with my friends and suddenly got a call from my mum saying that ‘guy’s’ parents had called her saying that I had been bullying him to which I had to point out that no, I wasn’t bullying him. I was just sitting with my friends and talking while ‘that guy’ was staring at us in a corner.

After that I did my exams and went to college only to find out that ‘guy’ had copied me on what course I was taking, I had actual helped him get into a different course to me but he still decided to take the course I was taking.

Now I did try to be civil, I didn’t acknowledge him or talk about him/to him until he asked if we could be friends(I was 16 at the time btw, I’m the UK you go to college at about 16 and then uni after about 3 years). I foolishly said yes.

One day my friend who I’d met in that course who had ME was going to be late and was worried about being seated near someone who kept messaging them about drinking and made them uncomfortable. I had a different class before our one so I asked ‘that guy’ if he could save them a seat and he said no which I was fine with but then he went on to say that I was “bullying him by asking him to save them a seat” and after I told him that’s not how it worked he said “I wouldn’t let him be bi while we were dating”, I was actually very supportive and happy for him during that time. I told him repeatedly to leave me alone and blocked him.

Now for this last bit I’m going to go back about it. Before we started dating he was dating another girl who had left our school due to depression and I was actually close with her and I was very sad and worried when she left. Idk how they broke up but the girl was at my college and I was so relieved and happy that she was okay I went to say hello to her. She screamed at me and I went home that day because someone had told me that ‘guy’ had “told everyone I abused him”(I also found out that she started dating ‘guy’), this was so overwhelming and upsetting that it is actually what started my PTSD.

Despite what I had managed to survive, doing the right thing by not talking to him or about him (apart from to two close friends at the time) and worrying about someone for years who I had no contact with I was now being accused of this horrible horrible thing that I had to live through. I even struggled to stand properly that day because of how scared, breathless and distraught I felt. I had even become terrified of saying his name because that’s how much hearing or saying it would fill me with fear.

They were reported and felt with for what had happened but for the rest of the year ‘guy’ and his girlfriend harassed and bullied me and they even harassed my mother at certain points. It was the worst first year of college I think anyone could’ve had and I would never wish it on anyone.

After that I went into the next year being in a different group to him(it’s also where I met my current best friend)and then the following year the groups merged but it seemed he didn’t have any friends again and I had actually made friends with some of the people he told I was abusive. One even said while I was helping them at their house “I’m sorry that I believed him, you’re actually really sweet and nice” which felt amazing to hear after all that trauma.

Today I still suffer with really bad PTSD attacks related to what happened before and during that first year of college. I guess I get paranoid that maybe the same thing will happen again somehow in the future so making this post is my way of venting about this, and bringing awareness to it as I know I’m not the only one who has been abused only to have that person tell you “it’s your fault” or “you’re actually the abusive one” despite having had to deal with similar or even the same thing as me. And people like ‘that guy’ will always be around trying to snake their way back into your life just to hurt you or make themselves a victim just so they don’t have to feel bad about what they did to you.

To finish this off I want to sort of say what I would to my younger self, dealing with what happened.

I’m sorry I wasn’t able to protect you and I’m sorry that you suffered. From the bottom of my heart and everything I am, I am sorry. You deserve better than what happened to you and don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I know you put yourself down a lot but you are going to make some amazing things and meet amazing people who love you and care for you. Don’t let this hold you back, you are more than this horrible thing that happened to you so don’t let it consume you. You are loved and capable of so much. Don’t ever stop being your happy silly and imaginative self, I love that side of you and I will not stop loving you. Please take care of yourself.

[dotdotdotdotsometingidk]

Idk I thought this can be fun so I'm gonna write Imagines and fics and shit.

Gonna have some fun with it soooo

Just a hand

"Minors DNI"

Summery: reader is going through shit and snaps and starts killing people. Gonna get messy and graphic, Rosinante sees him and wants to arrest him.

Tw: graphic violence, mention of mental disorders, sexual harassment, mention of execution, Idk read with your own responsibility.

"Bar was real noisy tonight" you thought, "but not as noisy as inside your head". You let out a chuckle, and reached for you beer.

-I heard they're making an execution tomorrow

Bartender said to one his regulars. Your gutts started to hurt and you could feel things getting a little shaky. You just wanted to engage with poeple so you asked:

-what for?

Few heads turned toward you. Tender looked a little uncomfortable, must've been because of your frown and the way you grabbed on your stomach.

-you ok bud?

-Don't worry about it

-alright... Well they say it was some kind of a tax invasion or something. They execute people for no reason recently.

Few tired drunks shook their heads in agreement. Silence started to grow. Ypir stomach started to hurt real bad.

-you won't have a problem if we sit here right?

-what?

It seemed like a few officers being talking to you. You stood up to let them sit, feeling worse than before, and confused. You felt a shock going through your body. One of the officers spanked your butt and started laughing:

-you don't look bad for a man. Let's have some fu-

You looked at him, still confused. Why did he stop talking? And why did it get so hot in here? Hot and... Wet?

The realization hit you like a brick wall. You looked at the broken glass in your hand, the horror in the remaining eye of the the perv officer and the blood that started pouring down like little rivers.

-GET ON THE GROUND NOW!

All the other officers pulled their guns out and pointed them at you. Things atrted to get a little less shaky. You swallowed your saliva and took a breath. Right before you take your hand behind your head, you herad another glass breaking.

-die you pigs!

Half of the drunks smashed their bottles and started wounding the marines. You grabbed the perv officer and turned him around and slit his throat. As the man was bleeding out with little pants of plead for air, everything stopped. Everyone looked at you. So. Many. Heads.

-I.. I'm tired... I'm so so so ti-

A woman's scream filled the space. Scream was loud and painful, blended with the soind of burning wood and cries for help, ypu realzed you've blacked out. "fuck. What did I do now?" you looked down and saw the reason why the woman was screaming. A corpse, you could only imagine, with a half burnt face and guts poured out, laid under your feet. You sat on the corpse, with biys of guts on your hands and body, and all around the floor. The bar, or what was left of it, was burning, and the chaos probably stretched to the town alongside with the fire. All glasses were shattered, it has already exploded. "If even the sound of that explosion didn't make you snap out of it..." You thought with horror.

But just before you can do anything, you hear aclack and you feel a gun pushed on your skull.

-that's enough. Drop the weapon, calmly stand up and turn around.

You did as you've been told and faced with a really, really tall man.

-they usually don't say calmly turn around, they just pull the trigger.

-you're gonna have to come with me.

-why? Because I probably started a revolution by stabbing a perv marine? You think it was calculated?

You start to laugh uncontrollably. An insane laugh that you let put whenever you were hurt. All the pain and tears and anger turn into laughter and pulled your head back like when you were fucked bythose random strangers during your black outs.

-wow. You remind me of my brother. Insane.

-Oh that I am! I even have a file for my couple of month in mental hospital so I can get insanity defence.

- I actually don't think you can in this poin-

-Oh oh and you wanna know another funny thing? I don't even know what I did... I mean... I just blacked out and voilá! I'm covered in flesh!

You laugh even harder than before and have to stop for air to breath. He opens his mouth to say something but you continue.

-You know what the problem is? It's too noisy! Everything is WAY TOO FUCKING NOISY! You know what Enlil did when humans got too noisy? He killed most of them baby! Would've been all of them if not for his brother! But again it won't shut up. It never shuts up does it? You wanna scream and run and cry but it won't do anything because it just WON'T. SHUT. UP!

You started crying and screaming in the middle of your monolog. You were crouching with your hands stiff on your sides, and shaking with every weak breath that left your heavy chest. You looked at the man behind your tears, expecting him to shoot you in any moment. What you did not expect was to see him crying.

-why... Are you crying...?

He didn't say a word. He lowered his gun and grabbed your arm and pulled ypu away from where you were standing. After you reached a corner out of sight, he snapped his fingers.

-silence.

Suddenly the noises from the outside went out. It was just you, him, and the sound of your breathings and your heart pumping in your head. And for a spilt second, for a sweet sweet second, there was no words, no sounds in your head. For a second you felt... Humane again.

And than they came back. It hurt. Hurt more now that you've tasted freedom. Tears fell on your cheeks and you grabbed your head with both your hands. The desire stronger than ever, was hurting you. And suddenly, it all stopped.

You looked up. He was petting your arm. With every movement of his palm, an electric feeling spread through your body. You felt heat gather on your cheeks.

-how did you silenced the voices?

-I didn't. Did I?

He gave you a faint smile. You felt blushing to your tits.

-Maybe you just needed a hand.

Your breath went away for a second. Before you know it, you threw yourself on the big amn and hugged him. You hugged him tight. He started petting your back, and you start sobbing in his embrace like a bitch. That. That was all you needed. All these years, all these traumas, all you wanted was to be not alone anymore, and this man, this beautiful tall man, came to your life and gave you that.

After a few minutes, you split. He was still smiling. You looked at him shyly.

-well... Are you gonna arrest me now?

-yeah. But I think it might be better for you anyway. I'm sure they take good care of you.

-you kidding? I'm gonna be hanging first thing tomorrow.... I mean you already did more than you needed to. Thank you... For everything...

You stretched your hand forward and looked down.

-OH MY FUCK what a fucking drama queen! And I thought I'm the most dramatic person I know!

-what?

-your going to impel down for startinga revolution your not getting executed. Although that place is also kind of a hell.

He handcoughed you, grabbing your arm and dragging you with him.

-but you're gonna be fine. It's not that big of a crime. I can even visit you once in a while.

You could feel your face blushing to your ears in this point. You smiled. For the first time in a long, long time, you smiled, a genuine one.

-I would love that. I mean like! I would like that that's what I said!

He giggled. "It's so sweet!" you thought.

-Ok. I'd "like" that too. I'm Rosinante, by the way.

-y/n. Nice to meet you

-nice to see you too, y/n.

[viipertoxin]

intro post!!!

ㅤ🦷ㅤㅤ⏵ welcome to my blog !! ㅤㅤㅤmastiffㅤ⋆ㅤ7teenㅤ⋆ㅤhe it lycan this is my main blog! ill post about whatever i want here.

ㅤㅤ/ got loads of therapy, and it turns out i’m still a bitch. \

ㅤ📌ㅤㅤ⏵ abt me !!

ㅤㅤㅤ⇨ ㅤㅤ⋮ names ㅤ♯ㅤㅤ≻ㅤlukas, luke, mastiff, or any kin-related names + nicknames.

ㅤㅤㅤ⇨ ㅤㅤ⋮ pronouns ㅤ♯ㅤㅤ≻ he/him, it/its, lycan/lycans, mutt/mutts, fang/fangs, hy/hym, and any moon related emoji pronouns.

ㅤㅤㅤ⇨ ㅤㅤ⋮ gender ㅤ♯ㅤㅤ≻ transmasc, demiagender, and lots of xenos.

ㅤㅤㅤ⇨ ㅤㅤ⋮ sexuality ㅤ♯ㅤㅤ≻ gay, polyamorous (taken, not looking),

ㅤㅤㅤ⇨ ㅤㅤ⋮ interests ㅤ♯ㅤㅤ≻ㅤtaxidermy, vulture culture, digital art, writing, wolrdbuidling, canine poetry, dark aesthetics, dogs + canids in general, blood aesthetics (no real gore), goth, grunge, and alt. fashion, monitor lizards, sharks, snakes, beetles, supernatural creatures & fantasy settings/theming, infodumping (if u let me :3)

PLEASE TALK TO ME IF WE SHARE INTERESTS OH MY GOODNESS I LOVE TALKING ABOUT MY INTERESTS :3c....

btw i might edit this a lot over time,,, sry if its different each time u visit :>

ㅤ📌ㅤㅤ⏵ speaking of a dni...

ㅤㅤㅤ⇨ ㅤㅤ⋮ basic stuff ㅤ♯ㅤㅤ≻ㅤendos/non-traumagenics, proshitters + any other problematic shipping stuff, anti-therian/otherkin, racists + xenophobes, homophobes/transphobes + any exclusionists (terfs, transmeds, etc.), transids, rcta

ㅤ♯ㅤㅤ≻ㅤanti neopronouns/xenogenders, r/fakedisordercringe mfs (that entire subreddit is full of misinfo and is built on poorly-disguised albeism, dont even get me started) + and anyone that thinks children/teens cant possibly have a debilitating mental disorder and/or physical disability solely bc they arent adults.

ㅤ♯ㅤㅤ≻ㅤif u support certain therian creators such as Therian Territory, PDTherian, LycanTheory, and anyone associated with these people.

ㅤㅤㅤ⇨ ㅤㅤ⋮ personal specifications ㅤ♯ㅤㅤ≻ㅤtcc + sh/ed blogs. nothing against yall (mostly) those corners really do just trigger ocd & stress symptoms for me. this also includes if u use REAL gore for ur profile aesthetics. idc about blood but anything else expect to get blocked on sight.

ㅤ♯ㅤㅤ≻ㅤand anyone who associates with anyone that fits my dni/basic dni criteria in general. [ with certain subjects, there is a level of guilt by association if you choose to associate with bad people on purpose. only exception is manipulation/abuse cases obv. ]

ㅤ📌ㅤㅤ⏵ before you interact...

ㅤㅤㅤ⇨ ㅤㅤ⋮ important ㅤ♯ㅤㅤ≻ VERY anti-endo. free palestine + i stand with ukraine. passionate about my interests, kins, and theriotypes. WILL infodump if you let me. adhd, ocd, and pretty bad social anxiety - im trying my best but pls be patient (handle with care :,3). blunt/sarcastic way of speaking both in text and irl, will supplement with tone indicators only if asked.

ㅤㅤㅤ⇨ ㅤㅤ⋮ extra ㅤ♯ㅤㅤ≻ i block VERY freely on this site. if i see you are following certain accounts (especially those paraphilia [specifcally zoo] positivity accounts) i will block you for my own safety & mental health. i block for a reason, please do not evade just to ask why. pls just guess and call it a day.

thanks in advance :,3

ㅤ📌ㅤㅤ⏵ my links <3

https://listography.com/satyrwulves <- kinlist https://toyhou.se/viipertoxin <- view my ocs (must be logged in sorry </3) https://viipertoxin.carrd.co <- cleaner about me n shit https://rentry.co/caninekennel <- idk i just made it cuz everyone else was. it leads nowhere u havent already visited (i dont have a lot of accounts lol).

#.caninekennel <- for my posts. will create other tags eventually but this is mine for now :3c

[cheap-jumpscare]

"are u ok" idk i hope not

hi none of yall have seen me at my worst yet

i actively want to get so much worse. infinitely worse. i need to get as mentally awful as possible. please be mean to me please traumatize me i deserve it. but please dont hate me. if anyone hated me id actually kms. maybe.

does anyone take IDRlabs seriously? is it legitamate? bc

i guess im just kind of fucked up in general. im gonna go through each one and what they mean ordered by highest to lowest score.

SCHIZOTYPAL - a personality disorder. to quote a website i think is pretty smart; '(they are) often described as odd or eccentric, and they usually have few, if any, close relationships. They generally don't know how relationships form or how their behavior affects others. They also tend to misinterpret others' motivations and behaviors and greatly distrust others.' TL;DR abnormal and distrusting of others.

HYPOMANIA - 'hypo' means the opposite of 'excessive' or 'a lot'- so this just means 'under mania' or 'less than mania' if literal, iirc. Quoting wikipedia; 'Characteristic behaviors of people experiencing hypomania are a notable decrease in the need for sleep, an overall increase in energy, unusual behaviors and actions, and a markedly distinctive increase in talkativeness and confidence, commonly exhibited with a flight of creative ideas.' TL;DR weird, energetic, and not sleeping a lot

PARANOIA - we should all know this one. being irrationally afraid of something(s) to an obsessive degree. that's my own definition, anyways.

DEPENDENT - I'd assume this refers to 'how dependent you are on others' whether that be emotionally or in general.

SADISM - finding pleasure from hurting others. often misconstrued as immediately sexual, but not exactly! sadism can also manifest as just feeling better about yourself when harming those around you. this one's score feels a bit inaccurate in my own opinion.

ANTISOCIAL - not being social. simple!

NARCISSISTIC - daily reminder that people with npd are not immediately evil just because they have npd; ive known many narcissists who were actually very cool people! give your local narcissist some support. anyways, narcissism outside of the personality disorder is defined as 'a self–centered personality style characterized as having an excessive preoccupation with oneself and one's own needs, often at the expense of others.' the double-edged sword is that, usually, people who happen to act narcissistic or have npd can also be immensely insecure. again, give your local narcissist some support :(

NEGATIVISTIC - wikipedia says it is 'characterized by procrastination, covert obstructionism, inefficiency and stubbornness.' to be entirely transparent, this one is no longer on the DSM-V. also reffered to as passive-aggresive personality disorder.

DEPRESSIVE - assumedly reffering to either the mental health condition or general depressive symptoms. I'm unsure myself.

BORDERLINE - wikipedia kind of called me out so im not quoting it this time but TL;DR probably refers to symptoms of BPD/EUPD. only some of these symptoms resonate for me (i dont particularly experience the flipping between hating and adoring those close to me, or much dissociation to my knowledge). other than that, I would've expected it to be higher.

SCHIZOID - wikipedia says this is characterized by 'a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency toward a solitary or sheltered lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness, detachment, and apathy.' I myself am quite open about being low-/no-empathy so that makes sense why it's around this level.

HISTRIONIC - attention seeking.... which i experience a lot. the other listed traits, ('said to be lively, dramatic, vivacious, enthusiastic, extraverted and flirtatious.') don't quite line up, though.. unless we count how I sort of pretend to be more high energy than i ever really am? shrugs

MASOCHISTIC - the inverse of sadism; finding pleasure from being hurt. once again, often interpreted as sexual though this isn't always the case. like with me, some people just hate themselves.

COMPULSIVE - "The main idea of compulsive behavior is that the likely excessive activity is not connected to the purpose to which it appears directed." I have some form of trichotillomania (hair-pulling) so im actually surprised this is at ZERO. though, my trichotillomania mainly manifested for sensory reasons....... stimming by twirling hairs around my fingers.

.. i didnt need to list all of that, but i was worried some of you wouldnt know what words meant. anyways, I took some other quizzes.

This was the likability test. It's not the most accurate in my opinion, but eh. It still sort of works.

.. Wow okay. This is a narcissism test- they only gave 2 options for each question and every single one was two extremes. I wish they'd give a third in-between answer.

the Dark Core Faces test. you pick a face you think is more likely to be one 'negative' thing or another. apparently im pretty good- though im not surprised. I've always sort of been better than others at predicting or guessing things about people and characters.

Anyways I am considering being one of my OCs. sighs.

[tazticklez]

BYF (PLEASE READ)

My character lore is very complicated and I’ll generally be posting about one of the stories I’m most obsessed with (currently as of late it’s PureBlood), here are the TW’s and CW’s of what some of my art/posts will contain so be cautious:

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-side note I have never personally gone through/have most of the things I write so even though it’s important to the story I want to preface if you’re a victim/have any of the aforementioned disabilities/mental disorders(/conditions/illnesses)/experiences and find the way I depict them to be harmful in any way, I am very open to criticism so please personally dm me and inform me of what I should fix. Or if you want to help me correctly write a character with said experience’s feel free to do so I’ll make sure to credit you (unless you say otherwise)

also keep in mind I find most of what I depict to be very serious and I wont be glorifying/romanticizing any of what I depict to be “cool” or “cute” and I also do not condone any of this irl, I’m also not a proshipper (to any NSFW acc’s or proshipper’s don’t follow me please)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

IMPLIED/MENTIONED: s/a, rape (will never be explicitly shown), trafficking, animal death and torture, necrophelia, RAMCOA, religious trauma, war, incest, pedophelia, grooming, suicide/suicidal themes, self harm, abuse, eating disorders, demonization of mentally ill and disabled people, proshipping (mc is one, not me), crayons (this has its reason of being here), drugs/drug abuse, alcohol/alcohol abuse, medical trauma, murder, slavery, bright/flashing lights and colors, cults, body horror and sex jokes

I don’t care if you’re under 18, if you chose to follow after reading this that’s your choice and that’s on you, I only ask for you to handle these topics with respect and be mature about it and don’t make others uncomfortable please!

And I would love to grow a fanbase/community of course so hopefully you can be apart of that (only if you’d like)

|

Although what I write is technically intended for people 18+, this is in no way a green light for you to be weird towards me (as I am a minor) or make sexual remarks about me or post/send me nsfw fanart. I say do whatever you want with my oc’s, use them for whatever and have any headcanons you like.

If you're a proshipper/nsfw artist (or just whitewash characters) please don't post that shit anywhere I can see it. I can't exactly stop you but it would make me very uncomfortable

(Also if you’re wondering why a 14 year old is writing stuff like this, all I can say is that I am severely paranoid and I want to finish my work as fast as I can manage and unfortunately my anxiety and paranoia won’t let me wait 4 more years, lmao idk if I’ll even be alive by then :P)

if you still want to follow me but don’t want to see these things, I’ll make a second account and link it in my profile where I’ll still post art/oc content but for all ages @tazthecas

Thanks for reading :D have a nice day

[sugaglos]

Well said, the post wasn't about trans people, but about X person who's disgusting, shares inappropriate stuffs and behaviours, that happens to be trans. It's just gross how society is fucked up, if it was a cis person none will say a word, but if happens to be a LGBTQ+ person then everyone accuse and creates useless drama and justifications. I'm personally a LGBTQ+ member, yet I don't go parading my identity like some fucking special snowflake, it's just a small part of my identity but many other members of this community is centering all their whole personality around this only characteristic; it's so pathetic tbh. Nobody needs to know my (sexual) preferences, it should be a private thing, first of all to not expose kids to adults matters or ideologies, it's more harmful than informative. Also another point, as coping mechanisms, again I would use myself as example, I'm diagnosed with 2 personality disorders from Cluster B + other mental illness as comorbidities, following the popular troop I should be a pain the ass for other people and ruining theirs and mine life, and having uncontrollable fucked up impulses and fantasies. Meanwhile yes, it happens to have them, I keep them to myself without looking for a "community" or like-minded individuals, furthermore I don't give in this impulses nor I engage in harmful behaviours. E.g. Harmless coping mechanisms I usually engage is drinking and smoking, but I do this only at home, I don't want to promulgate my unhealthy behaviours to youth or other individuals. It's about self-control and being self-conscious. As an adult I must understand that I have the responsibility to be a model to others and the younger generation, despite my mental illness, sexuality or identity. Nowadays ppl have lost the sense of duty in regard to others, and live in the most epicurean way possible. To sum up, I totally agree with all your points and I guess that the anon is one of that special snowflakes that builds their whole personality around the LGBTQ+ characteristic(s) and has passive-aggressive behaviour whenever they sense a real or imaginary threat to their personality.

I totally agree on what you said too haha

I doesn't matter what one identifies as or what community they're are a part of, if one does stupid shit they need to be called out on it(and in this case there's actual proof of bs happening, so it's not pulled out of an ass, so no one is being accused for nothing or for just being...trans lol). Idk if the majority of the trans community think they can do/say whatever they want all the time, every time, that's not gonna happen and people will show that they can be in the wrong, like any living person. People won't be silent and that is good. No one is more special that anyone esle. Life is very hard, for everyone, and being a 'snowflake' isn't going to be benificial..for anyone.

Usually people who want to look for like-wise individuals in certain harmful behaviours, communities, they end up spiriling deeper down in a rabbit hole, even if it means "just to explore". Some things aren't mean to be explored idk best to leave alone, and like you said, have self-control, since that's the key to everything.

I'm very happy that you have this responsibility within you because you can hardly find that in others nowdays. Everyone just thinks for themselves and don't give 2flying fucks about anyone else yet expect to be treated as kings/queens, which is wrong. But what differes you from them is that you're an adult and most of these kids are jsut..kids. And we all know, whether people want to accept it or not, that kids are ran by emotions not logic. This is why these movements nowdays, especially in the US, are filled with aggression and hate towards anyone who disagrees because they're fueled by enotions and not logic..... And adults who participate in these hate-filled movements, well, they're just there for the $$$ and perhaps status. Which is very sad.

Also, anon, pls take care of yourself and stay vigilant. Thank you for your message. 🥀

[basementinternet]

Vent post

The more I sit and think about it

The more I realize I hate you.

I hate everything about you, there is NOTHING redeemable about you.

You refuse to get better mentally and fake disorders to excuse it, you do nothing but put on a show for the people you made me isolate myself too.

I’m not an idiot, you isolated me on purpose because you were jealous.

You were so fucking jealous of me and ALWAYS made me feel like the bad guy because I did things you couldn’t.

And anytime I tried to break up with you, you’d threaten to kill yourself.

You did nothing but use my own empathy against because god forbid someone used the word no with you.

You didn’t understand what consent was, you decided to date a sex repulsed asexual just to get upset that I didn’t want to fuck you.

You would do nothing but make me feel guilty for not feeling sexual attraction to the point I’d fake it just so you wouldn’t be mad at me anymore.

And in the end, you blamed me for the fact you hated your own sexual stuff despite the fact I told you from the start that we would never have sex.

You blamed me for being asexual like I chose it.

And god

You had to have your lesbian wlw fantasy so bad that you pressured me to hide my identity as a trans man so you could call me a girl.

I’ve never been as dysphoric before as I was during our relationship.

I wanted to kill myself everyday just because you couldn’t handle the fact you were attracted to a man

And when I told you the first time that you made me feel this way, you grew cold towards me until I stopped breaking down over it.

And the 2nd time when I told you, I had to comfort you for your actions.

I had to say it was okay

Your stupid internet reputation was always more important than our relationship and when I’d mention it, you’d guilttrip me to the point I felt selfish for saying anything

You would put words in my mouth to fit your own twisted narrative

I still remember how you told me mlm relationships made you uncomfortable

And how you hated characters I liked because you were fucking jealous

I still remember how you would act towards my brother, you seemed disgusted by him…even jealous at times?

And in the end, you never told your friends how you basically sexually harassed me our entire relationship

Or how you sent death threats and harassed 14 yr olds because you didn’t like them

You told children to off themselves because YOU didn’t like them.

And now, you’re not only watching what I do but you’re attempting to add my friends

Stay out of my life, people move on and I’m getting better

Why can’t you??

God

You forced all of your fucking kinks on me and would look at porn on calls

You blamed me for your eating disorder once when I did nothing but try to help

You made me “befriend” a pedophile, YOUR GROOMER, so you could cyberstalk them

I hate your stupid innocent shit, I hate you

I always had to say it was okay when you did anything wrong

Nothing you did to me was okay.

I have moments where I’m terrified that my friends hate me even when they’re next to me.

I get scared when someone gets too close to me because the idea of being touched physically disgusts me.

I am ashamed of having a disorder that I cannot control because you used it against me constantly.

I am ashamed to be autistic because you always would use my own traits against me

I am ashamed to be trans because you planted your hatred for me from the start.

I am ashamed of who I was with you.

I wasn’t a good partner in our relationship either

I was awful but god damn

I can admit that I did something wrong

I’m not lying about what I did

I’m not claiming to be a victim

I can grow and heal as a person, why can’t you.

Why can’t you grow up, we are adults

Act like it for once

Get off of the internet for once and make some fucking friends

Get a hobby idk

Be normal??

Just leave me alone

I used to defend you against everyone and made you seem like some sweet angel

Everyone we knew hated your guts

Everyone we knew pointed out how I was happier and less aggressive with you gone

How I seemed more at peace than constantly boiling with anger

And I am

I’ve been happier now than I ever did with you

And

Im free

I wish I never had asked you out

I can’t say I wish I never met you because I made great friends in that time

Friends that you bullied for having autistic traits

I still remember you feeding into D.I.D stereotypes and being friends with people who talked about räping kids

And

I hate you.

I have hated you since my 18th birthday when you offered no comfort after my groomer contacted me.

And I realize now why you didn’t

Because you’re just like him, I’m every possible way.

You make me sick.

[anadrenalineslut]

i definitely agree with you about 1989 especially new romantics it has such a dark self destructive vibe even with the fun production. and clean is definitely about her eating disorder. i think that's what she's referring to when she uses "we" and "you". and it kinda connects back to bigger than the whole sky with the recurring rain theme. idk if this makes much sense but im just having so many thoughts about this

I think the album gradually gets darker as it goes on, with the happier songs being in the beginning which makes sense. None of the songs are really "happy" but you get what I mean, even songs like how you get the girl and I wish you would: they're not a healthy way of coping with a relationship that's falling apart. Like wishing they could read your mind and show up for you, even as you're in your house and not doing anything to prove that you're worth the fight is her sick mentality showing up. Like, I was on the taylor is sick train from red because she was very skinny during red era, so like I think I went into 1989 with a different perspective from jump and I just always thought 1989 was just such a polished song, it felt like the ultimate expression of what an anorexic person thinks is #lifegoals if that makes any sense.

I've always viewed pop taylor as the death of vulnerable taylor because her songs got so fucking cloaked in metaphor and upbeat melody that you can't really dissect the songs unless you know exactly what she was going through at the time and I think that midnights is like her answer to that. Like, I think taylor made the switch into pop because it provided her a way to close off the gut wrenching vulnerability that was evident through albums 1-4 that was not immediately visible during album 5.

I think because I've always been like weirdly in tune with taylor (I think taylor and I are very similar in terms of being undiagnosed autistic women who are conventionally attractive and who dealt with a LOT of sexism during our formative years and so I kind of always end up being correct about things with her in a way just by putting lyrics together with bits and pieces of info here and there) I've always had felt like 1989 was so misunderstood when it came out. Like, it's literally perfect. Artistically, it's her most destructive album but it's all tied up in pretty little bows and upbeat melodies and earworms so the allistics are thrown off the fricking scent and it worked so fucking well.

Like, everything about that album is misunderstood. Bad Blood was her eating disorder ruining relationships and taking everything personally and I wish you would was her eating disorder telling her if they cared, they'd show up and even shake it off is her pushing her feelings away and pretending they don't exist so she doesn't hurt so much all the time. Like, it's anger and heartbreak and figuring out your sexuality and terrible coping mechanisms and just control over every little aspect of your life to make yourself seem perfect. Like, God, and if you add the autistic lens on top of it!!!! Bro, if you listen to 1989 as an autistic person who moved to New York to find herself and ended up literally cheating and lying and stealing and robbing to win and break hearts so you can feed your eating disorders need to be the best at everything, to be perfect all the fucking time to make sure everyone fucking remembers you, to want to leave a permanent mark on other people so badly you don't fucking care how you do it you just do it because you're so fucking sick and in pain all the time but you can't stop or else you'll have failed and wouldn't that be the worst and then one day, one day you wake up and you realize why you've been acting like this, why you've been self destructive this entire time and why moving to New York made you feel even worse and that's because you've been sick and you're just getting sicker and now you're looking back and you feel like you've been screaming this entire time in silence

And I just love this album so much but it's so misunderstood because that's like the fucking point. I've always thought that pop taylor was so closed off in her music but really she just went undercover, hiding in plain sight so to speak, and idk I feel like midnights rearranged my brain chemistry especially after I made that 1989/midnights track by track analysis like I really feel like each track lines up perfectly with sick vs "healthy" taylor (shes not in therapy and has never been to therapy so idk if i call her healthy but the healthiest shes been for sure) and I think it's so beautiful that midnights starts with meet me at midnight. Like, 1989 was the brand and as an extension was sick taylor and midnights is her. Like who she is as a person, she is midnight. Like ugh, I love it. I love it, I could write some more about the growth from the one sure thing you know about yourself being your birthday vs describing yourself who you are as midnight!!!! Amazing, like I love it.

Sorry about all this, anon. You have thoughts, I wanna hear all of them but you get word salad instead.

[saltiestgempearl]

[Image Description: GIF reading: Tumblr 2022 My Year in Review. End Image Description.]

I posted 4,955 times in 2022

That's 1,157 more posts than 2021!

512 posts created (10%)

4,443 posts reblogged (90%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@usergrantaire

@tmoblrina

@accessibleaesthetics

@renfieldmrenfield

@marghen

I tagged 3,121 of my posts in 2022

Only 37% of my posts had no tags

#dracula daily - 1,511 posts

#undescribed - 190 posts

#writing reference - 105 posts

#long post - 85 posts

#save - 63 posts

#toh - 53 posts

#writing inspo - 53 posts

#toh spoilers - 35 posts

#us politics - 28 posts

#jonmina - 24 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#but i do wonder if mutual intelligibility between isl and nisl is anything like a similar convo between those two variants of spoken irish

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

“Can't we get a special?" asked Lord Godalming.

I’m increasingly (but pleasantly) surprised that people told us a few months ago that Arthur would not get any further definition as a character. He absolutely has. He went from “idk who he is but Lucy likes him I guess?” to a rich jock with a heart of gold who is understandably out of touch with how those who are not rich live. And it’s charming because like, he doesn’t look down on the middle or working class, he’s just increasingly mystified by their way of life.

507 notes - Posted October 28, 2022

#4

Part of the reason I’m so enamored with Dr. Seward and his arc so far is that it’s thematically very much about the dangers of compromising your morals in favor of what logically seems like “the greater good.”

And I think that’s also part of why it breaks my heart so much to see people refusing to engage with the text in a way that accounts for Stoker’s biases that bleed into Jack’s character. Because when you refuse to do that, you loose the crucial pattern that runs through nearly all of Jack’s genuine missteps so far.

Because I promise you, Seward is not supposed to be a flawless “purely a product of his time” character. He is, however, supposed to be a reasonably smart and compassionate man, and that’s key because it drives home the point that losing yourself on a slippery slope like this can happen to anyone, even good people. We all have to be on our guard when we are tempted to set aside our ethics in favor of a “worthy cause.”

530 notes - Posted August 21, 2022

#3

I think it’s important to remember that Van Hellsing does not actually know he is a character in Dracula, nor does he know for a fact that vampires are real. He is a doctor who happens to know a lot about a lot, including mythology and folklore.

So the past few weeks haven’t JUST been “how do I tell them without sounding crazy?” It’s also very much been a journey from “this reminds me of an old story but that’s just a story, right?” to “this is starting to get to be too much to ignore the possibility of vampires no matter how insane that sounds” to “oh my god I think vampires are real and one is attacking Lucy???”

627 notes - Posted September 19, 2022

#2

You know, there definitely is an appeal to the idea of being able to identify a criminal before they commit a crime. I mean, that would make life so much more simple, wouldn’t it? It’s no wonder phrenology was popular; it was basically a seemingly scientific way for every educated person to become one of the precogs from The Minority Report.

Of course, much like the logic within the The Minority Report, it’s never that simple. And while it’s extremely easy to look back now and point at the painfully racist backbone of the entire working theory of phrenology, I think it would be more useful to ask ourselves what our modern version is, and whether we are falling into the same trap.

Do you buy into the idea that people of certain genders or sexualities are biologically wired for violence, abuse, or other problematic behavior?

Do you buy into the idea that people with certain mental disorders are biologically wired for violence, abuse, or other problematic behavior?

It may not be bumps on a skull anymore, but we have our own modern flavors just the same. No one is immune to this, we all have to stay critical.

1,380 notes - Posted October 29, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

1897: This is a horror novel so I know this isn’t what’s up but it’s hard to ignore the fact that Lucy’s symptoms sound an awful lot like Tuberculosis.

2022: This is a horror novel so I know this isn’t what’s up but it’s hard to ignore the fact that Lucy’s symptoms sound an awful lot like COVID-19.

1,529 notes - Posted August 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[wrotelovelytears]

Some things I dislike about being Neurodivergent™ :

Hyper fixate on something just to eventually completely drop it because its ✨boring✨

Due to that hyper focusing- spending money... A lot on whatever it is just to regret it months or weeks later.

Getting extremely bored and literally feeling shitty because of it

Felling super productive then not having a will to move

Because I lucked out and got a Personality Disorder too🙄. When I get too bored, I feel ✨empty✨ on the inside with very great thoughts about myself

And due to the combo of the PD and ADHD, I have a tendency to not have healthy situations or behaviors

I'm really forgetful, then I remember and feel ✨guilty✨

When I don't wanna do something, I gotta get pushed... A lot..

AP Depression

AP Anxiety

Crying because... There's no reason I just start crying

Having your hypersensitivity being called moody or an attitude

Physical health issues not being taken seriously until I'm on deaths bed "suddenly"

The need to have audio (amd tactile) stimulation but controlled or I panic because what the fuck is that noise?

Constantly worry about how others see me

Again with the double whammy, ✨shifting personality✨ ✨shifting identities✨ ✨shifting ideas✨ in fact I pick up people's traits faster than the pandemic picks up new variants

✨Existing✨ not living

Without certain stimulates I'm drained more than usual and that makes me physically sicker

✨Insomnia✨

Social meter runs out faster than my patience for loud people

✨The police... as an existence✨

Having your dyslexia be confused with stupidity

Reading out loud in class

Getting called weird for my interests. Or worst not Black

Being quiet and getting told its an attitude or I'm being a sterotype

Exclaiming something "loud" and being told I'm yet again being a stereotype.

Being introverted and being assumed mean. (Bitch I'm scared of YOU if anything. Besides no need to talk of there's nothing important to say).

Having Autistic traits and being assumed that its just a personality quirk instead of Autism because.... Get this... I'm Black 👁👄👁

Being Black with all of this. I just don't get to talk about my experiences of being misdiagnosed, mistreated, and unheard. People literally can't understand Black people can be Neurodivergent and it causes a lot more hurt than folks wanna admit. That includes those who are ND and not Black, its just the getting spoken over or told your reactions to things (especially racism) are overblown. I barely see Black NDs talked about unless its in a negative light and trust and believe thats so harmful.

Then I happen to not be a man either so people really take joy in going ✨its just trauma✨ without realizing that in itself, is painful. It just tells me to be quiet and not make a fuss.

This a side note:

I hate the manic pixie dream girl stereotype. It came from Borderline Personality Disorder(which people talk down on), and got extended to Autism (and somewhat ADHD). As someone who has had actual manic episodes and been told "I can fix you". I promise you no sane person wants those problems nor wants to be sexualized due to the way they were born. Its weird and you weird if you think its cool.

[messybouquetoflilies]

Some about me! Pretty please read this before you message me! including the "keep reading" button. Thank you! ❤️

So first things first, this is a very nsfw blog, so if you're under 18 or anyone who thinks the age of consent is arbitrary, please gtfo. (also please please put your age in your bio if you're going to interact with me)

My old blog is @decadentbouquetoflillies. I’ll probably keep updating it. i just want this one for more customization, and to try to not get flagged again.. we’ll see. But if i really want to post something risque, it’ll be on there. 

Terfs, swerfs, racists, homophobes, transphobes, haters of pronouns in bios, and chasers, please dni. i'm an anti-capitalist, progressive, intersectional sex positivite feminist, gender abolitionist, and i will annoy you greatly.

Second, my posts range from innocent, amazing, wonderful romantic things, to harder kinks such as somno, and cnc. If those things can be triggering to you, please block me cause i don't always tag my posts. Mostly due to tumblr nuking any post that has useful tags such as those... sigh. If there's anything else anyone thinks i should add to that list, please let me know.

Third, i'm trans, but please please pretty fucking please don't sexualize me in that way. Chasers, i'm talking to you. i'm not a hentai character, and i have awful bottom dysphoria. This is also a super limit for me in general. Right now my brain can't handle being touched, or even thinking about being touched anywhere below the waist. i just shut down and feel horrible.

Fourth, feel free to ask me anything! As long as you follow rules one and three. i'm even fine talking about trans stuff, as long as it's educational, and not sexual. i've had to debate my existence my whole life, so i've been come quite knowledgeable about the topic. Most other trans people don't want to answer questions, (which is fine. it's not their job to, and they shouldn't be expected to) but i enjoy it, so ask away. My asks and DMs are open, and i enjoy being flirty, just as long as it doesn't become too sexual.

With that out of the way, some about me:

i'm a 22 y/o pan girl living in the US just outside of Salt Lake City. Pronouns are she/her. i play a lot of video games.. like a lot of video games, and i love love love music. i play the piano, and i have awful trust issues with myself and other people, so i'm keeping myself single for now.

understand that nearly all of the things i post about require a large amount of trust before i'm okay doing them, or even talk about specifically doing them for you. Talk to me like a person before you ask me to do awful horrible things for you please ☺️

my kinks include and may or may not be featured on my blog:

big big oral fixation

Denial (4 years bb)

cnc

tpe

somno

knife play

i just hate decisions tbh, so anything that takes that from me

and i really like being good

(some) degradation

(some) praise

very machoistic

bondage

tbh, just anything that makes other people happy at my expense

and makes it so i don't have to think

(some) pet play. i like collars, some cages, and leashes in some contexts.. uhh yeah..

i don't have a lot of experience exploring kinks, i just know the things i definitely wanna try.

Hard Limits:

Age play (i'll call you mommy/daddy if you reeeeeeeeeally want me to, and only if i really really like you, but that's as far as it goes)

anything related to rule 4

tickling

nothing below the waist. nothing below the waist. NOTHING BELOW THE WAIST.

detransition

degradation related to appearance

food control? (this might be a soft limit, i just have a history of eating disorders so it would have to be done with great care)

beastiality

scat

RP (idk why it's so hard for me but every time i try in even vanilla settings i have mental breakdowns. i literally cannot find an explanation as to why)

and i'm sure there are other things buuut, eh, i'm lazy.

Everything i write, i try to keep as gender neutral as possible, because i really don’t believe the way people physically present matters at all, and i literally don’t care. i just wanna kiss everyone, but also no one at the same time, so hopefully my blog will be inclusive to everyone! Though reblogs are a different story 

anything with me or about me will be tagged #me and or #personal. You will find many dog pictures in those tags. (some) of my posts will be tagged #mine when i'm not lazy about it. Other than that, this blog is mostly just a diary i use to cope. Nothing less and nothing more. :)