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anouri · 8 months

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leap of faith @nosebleedclub prompt: february 2nd

#words #mine #i made it out of your home alive. raised by the voices in my head #i wish that i could leave myself alone. i wish that i could finally feel that i punished myself enough.#a decomposing dump of my thoughts #it's time for me to dump my journal entry onto my blog then run away

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moeblob · 6 months

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Deacon loves two things: Ymber and digging himself a grave.

Fulj hates one thing: Deacon.

#my characters #waiting on some info on the next commission so i indulged in ocs today bc i doubt i will have as much time for lil comics for a bit #deacon is so devoted hes like yeah i would kill for a deity that could easily kill anything himself but yknow teehee #and fulj just did you tell him you needed therapy also does he even know youd murder in his name #deacon caught red handed haha no of course i havent told him it should be obvious enough haha.... and its in his defense not his name :c #man really does have some issues but i love him so much and hes so devoted but like. unhealthily after a while #he does in fact need a chill pill and therapy but to be fair #ymber has needed therapy for centuries and yet he just bottles it all up and suffers so #its pretty unhealthy until they yell at each other one (1) time bc they are so insecure about things and get mad over very valid reasons #but then theyre like you know what that was necessary and i still want to stay by your side if you let me #and then fulj is like dude hey sorry you seem really happy did you fu- and ymber is like no please stop there we have not #fulj just squinting cause have not is very different than will not but whatever she doesnt wanna think about that with deacon involved ew #and eventually fulj is like hey ymber im sorry to say but i really do hate deacon and i dont even know why but he makes me uncomfortable #while deacon is just. in the room. hearing this and thinking how he knows she thinks hes weird but wow that wording hurts #and ymber doesnt wanna fill in memories better forgotten by fulj which she had forcefully removed #so he just says oh well his hair and clothing are black and you had someone in the past that you might see in him and its not a pleasant en #so you know maybe its that idk #and fulj is then WHATST i was rude to him for someone i cant even remember? lame im gonna try SO HARD to be nice to him now #and deacon just still sitting there with some food like this is v awkward and i wish i could not be here for it #and later he asks ymber about who he resembled and as ymber is descibing her it clicks in deacons head and he gets really sad #that he might somehow remind fulj of the woman she loved before she was punished for loving a mortal #and he feels kinda bad pestering her so much with his curiosities about deities and he kinda gets it #the fact hes close to ymber might remind her at the core that she was once that close with a mortal if not closer #anyway story time in the tags again #im so obsessed with these peeps and i have made them suffer so much but they do all end on a happy note #its still funny and nice to me that while fulj is creeped out by deacon and doesnt like talking to him #he still expresses the most emotions to her - he tries hard to remain serious around ymber and collected and obedient at all times #and when out and about with ymber he has to be intimidating and refuses smiling but fulj?? all sunshine and smiles and emotions easy to rea #and she is just that is so weird go away i hate you

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iniziare · 1 month

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Tag drop: Jingliu

#tag drop #jingliu. [ and so i wield my blade to the very end. until the “stars” have been cut down from the sky. this oath: i will never forsake. ]#jingliu: ic. [ trapped in childhood nightmares; she tore off a spread of black silk from the edge of her skirt and covered her eyes. ]#jingliu: inquiries. [ ice waves as sharp as knives spreading like transient flowers in the air. freezing all and everyone they contact. ]#jingliu: countenance. [ when you live to be a thousand years. each day is carrying the weight of a mountain through an interminable maze. ]#jingliu: introspection. [ why do you wield a sword? / this is like asking a poet why they wrote poems. this is the only way for me. ]#jingliu: meta. [ this sword in my hand... naught but a needle compared with the heavenly bodies. how can i use it to cut open a star? ]#jingliu: little notes. [ this is the first time she understands “wanting to live”. before now; she was simply someone ready to die. ]#jingliu: wishes. [ unsheathing this sword without merit is to blaspheme the divine will of the reignbow arbiter; and invite calamity. ]#jingliu: etc. [ to the xianzhou; i am but an abandoned pawn: a wandering swordmaster. ]#jingliu: the sword. [ if a day comes that the quivers run empty; and starskiffs crash who will protect you and i then; or the xianzhou? ]#jingliu: florephemeral sword. [ a sword: 3 feet; 7 inches in length. weighing nothing. and it glowed as if a sliver of moonlight. ]#jingliu: shattered sword. [ a sword: 5 feet in length. weighing 3000 catties. unyielding: mirroring the defiance; hubris of its creator. ]#jingliu: cangchang. [ when devoured; we had to face the truth that our lives were but a grain of sand in the river of time. ]#jingliu: hcq. [ their faces still linger before my eyes like a bygone dream. yet dream will eventually fade. like clouds from the sky. ]#jingliu: memories. [ given the choice between staring at the abyss with a troubled mind and marching blindly: i choose the latter. ]#jingliu: jing yuan. [ in an endless night; there is nothing closer than the bright moon. always hanging in the sky. ]#jingliu: imbibitor lunae. [ even after your rebirth. your techniques haven't changed. / when i move it's like… / … like you never forgot. ]#jingliu: baiheng. [ the things that we said and did together have all been shrouded in a layer of mist. a mist i cannot see through. ]#jingliu: yingxing. [ some are born with unparalleled foresight; intelligence; but make the ill-advised choices at destiny's crossroads. ]#jingliu: blade. [ that broken sword... you don't want to let go of the past. do you; blade? ]#jingliu: yanqing. [ that move was a token of my appreciation; young man. we were fated to meet this day and in days to come. ]#jingliu: v. youth. [ you can use this to vanquish those that took everything from us. ]#jingliu: v. sword champion. [ she knows it all. swords are a part of her body: the intake and release of her breath as she walks. ]#jingliu: v. traitor. [ and i will suffer my eternal punishment. that is the only way to keep the memory of the pain from fading away. ]

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totheidiot · 5 months

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i will finish crime and punishment in three days with the power of,,, friendship??

#🍂 arian's shit #crime and punishment #fyodor dostoevsky #we are going to the library in wednesday and still have NOT finished the book at all.#i have had it for almost three weeks #and this is a book i have to finish too #my new friend recommended it to me.#and dostoevsky is just a guy i would like to read #please let me finish part two by today #not sleeping until i do that #and that tomorrow i will literally hide away my phone so i can actually focus and read part three and part four #can't read at lunch in monday because i will be playing garticphone but. hm. at home? get through a bit of part v ?#idk idk idk #wish me luck #to solidify my friendship !! read crime and punishment !! hell yeah russian emo boys who did a murder

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claudiaeparvier · 5 months

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not entirely sure how it works but I’ll go ahead and headcanon that Frey and Susurrus are intertwined at the soul now. So what happens to Frey happens to him. So if she dies he goes with her.

#i’m making myself sad ignore me #but also their intertwining in the last chapter just seems so permanent to me #i really like the glow on frey’s arm after she captures his last bird and absorbs him #it looks like it took a while to bind them (that’s why i’m assuming bc the golden glow miasma doesn’t go away in the cutscene)#all this to say i think it’s a fitting punishment #if you can even call it that #at least now his prison is a place that could be called home #i would think it’s better than the labyrinths which is where I would have put him #cuff is the largest threat to athia even after destroying 99% of its populace via their tantas #i really wish they’d explain frey’s immunity #but i’m chalking it up to two things: one she’s the daughter of a tanta and two she was already inside cinta when cuff bonded with her #makes me wonder if frey ever thought something about cuff was familiar #maybe she’s always known that voice somehow someway #vikky plays forspoken

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burinazar · 5 months

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……

i…………feel bad about………something. the same thing as earlier. ugghh I hate how much this bugs me

#and i keep making my brain into a hash re how specific I can be about this without making it worse by slash Being A Bully by talking abt it #so this post will stay comically unspecific. (once again: must note the person bothering me is not anyone reading this.) but.#man. i wish i could count on more people to be like ‘yeah screw em!!!’ about stuff on my behalf when someone has got on my bad side #i sort of ruin that for myself by introducing everyone to everyone else #so no one is going to go ‘ugh I hate this faceless person who is stressing out my friend Ebil’ for me #because I haven’t left people faceless to them #it feels like a punishment for always trying to help folks meet new people? lol #feels unfair as fuck. if I didnt do that for ppl then it’d be way easier for me to get away from folks who bothered me #but of course im the one being unfair

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jeonghoneyss · 7 months

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i am roughly a hundred pages away from finishing victory of eagles and. laurence. dear laurence. why are you so set on martyring yourself i promise the british empire is not worth it you do not need to destroy your life utterly for them. temeraire is right please commit more treason.

#i wish he'd run away with tharkay when he offered 😔#although he wasn't reunited with temeraire then so. fair #but!!! oh he does martyr himself #asking for written orders for the other captains but not for himself so that when it gets out that the corps attacked the irregulars #laurence is the only one to blame...#insisting that it's of the utmost importance that he be the one in command for this mission (so that he's the one who will be punished)#ough... i want to gobble him up #also irrelevant but it makes me so happy that tharkay has a bird again <3 #honey rereads temeraire

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dirt-str1der · 11 months

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Thinking nonstop and reflecting on my past and the people i have talked with whom i now hate. Badly

#Listen to my problems #this is a vent post ->#i cannot believe she had the gall to text me out of nowhere and then delete her text like girl now i am thinking of how much i dislike you #and how worthless you are. like ok. at least you knew to go away #like somewhere out there im certain you will be someones favourite person but i wish you were dead #theres always a word i use when talking about my least favourite person and it is worthless #crazy how a person in real life can have 0 redeeming qualities and not just negative rizz but also be pathetic beyond measure #do you ever think of people you talk to because of circumstance and you get kind of close and you have way more contact than you would like #and you end up hating them so much because you were kind of close. like yeah if we met in passing i would not have despised you #but now i know how its like to be your friend and it is the worst experience of my life #like if we really hadnt talked. if we hadnt shared minimum 2 interests that was a gateway to me learning about the rest of you that is #completely terrible. AND liking the things i like and making it bad is like 😟 how can you like this piece of media if you like it shittily #how do you like the same things as me but in a way completely divorced from the thing itself my god you dont even deserve to be gutted #i understand exile as a punishment now. like no way im using up my state’s resources and facilities for you just get out of here

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anouri · 2 years

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february 2nd.

#me & god are fighting #i will take a crowbar and pry out the broken pieces of god in me #it’s time for me to dump my journal entry onto my blog then run away #words #mine #a decomposing dump of my thoughts #i wish that i could leave myself alone. i wish that i could finally feel that i punished myself enough.#it's time for me to dump my journal entry onto my blog then run away

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lucyvaleheart · 9 months

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hungry and desperate for attention and violence need someone to take me take advantage of me bend me over make me take it whip me with a belt grind my face into the desk make me beg for it beg for more thank them as I do it

or a real nice cup of tea would hit nice too. I dunno either or

#i got the tiniest little taste of fear and pain this weekend and it has made me absolutely SAVAGELY desperate for more #i am still waiting so fucking desperately for my punishment for that fucking precious bottom post #I'm still so sad that never happened that was 300 lashes I was promised #I've barely been touched #I want to be marked and claimed and fucked and I'm so tired of having to dance around my own desires for the sake of my stupid brain #use me use me use me fucking beat me terrify me make me flinch away and laugh as I cower and cry #mock my screams of pain as the belt comes down keep hitting me with it keep beating me don't STOP #fuck #....fuck. fuck.#god I wish I had managed to ask for more this past weekend. wish I hadn't been so goddamn insecure and shy #next time. next time I have to I need to beg constantly I need to just beg for my life #....sigh

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potatoesandsunshine · 1 year

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inquisition talks so much about the wardens when literally the only one they have around is fake like......... you can only do so much with implication..... but oh the implications they are

#thinking about the judgement scene with that warden #and how you can just say um i do not have the authority to do this #with a few of the other judgements you can send the person away to be judged/imprisoned/punished by another nation #but this is the one instance where the inquisitor can sit back and say no i will not do this. and it is SO INTERESTING #honestly i really like the judgement scenes from an rp angle i DO kinda not think that they make sense narratively #but the fact that there are options only available to a 'faithful' inquisitor or to a mage or w the perks #is very interesting to me. i do wish the knowledge perks would have been tied to the character class a bit more though.#anyway it's always wild when my evelyn (lying) will say hmm. well andraste said this one is ok this time.

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zarovich · 1 year

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even tho i am covered in so much scar tissue, it never feels like it's enough

#personal #gonna talk about self harm in tags. not in graphic detail obv but heed the warning #i often wish i lived alone so i could self destruct fully but i cant do that. cant afford it plus i wouldnt be allowed to #i know in the eyes of others my scars are already bad.ppl often tell me so. but im not satisfied with them they need to be worse imo #idk. i dont hate myself for being like this or anything but i know its not normal to want to completely destroy yourself. im not normal #and it sucks cuz no one gets it. i cant talk about it or i will get punished. i will get locked away and become a project to fix again #there have been times recently ive needed stitches but i dont get them cuz i know what will happen if i do #i get why ppl get concerned sure but that doesnt change that i enjoy it. i enjoy having control destroying myself #idk how many ppl understand this cuz most ppl i know sh for various other reasons but at times i feel as if im alone in this #right anyways. sorry about that i prefer to just yell shit out into nothing cuz ill feel like an ass venting directly to someone #always feel like im being manipulative or trauma dumping etc. im being melodramatic i know

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algolstare · 2 years

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the closer i get to having to lay down in bed the worse and worse my mental state gets </3 even though i would love being asleep and resting were it not for the horrors.

#teddyposting #id love to sleep on a couch or a chair or maybe even the floor #anything but a bed. man #i hate having to sleep. because it starts to feel like having survived is a punishment for me in and of itself somehow #to where everything is painful and all things come up that i wish would stay down and away #and i hate having to force myself to lay down and rest because it is very cruel #i can never convince myself well enough that it is safe and okay. and so it ends up being #making myself go into the worst thing ever. in the feel of it #and then i have my nightmares and wake up feeling exhausted still.#and that is nearly every night since before preschool.#i do not think i will ever have restful nights. it has been stolen and cannot be recovered i am pretty sure #sometime tomorrow when the sun is up and there are lovely things and all of this is back down and away #i will not feel that to survive is a punishment. but right now it is so terrible #and so all-consuming. it drowns out everything else and cannot be soothed #and i have to lay down to rest anyhow. even though i am not the one who did wrong i am the one to carry it #i am the one who carries the shame of it the burden of it the othering of it made into something and not someone #the fear and the restlessness and the pain of it. in every way #even though i am not the one who did wrong. i am the one to carry it and i am the one to be thrown #maybe what is the worst thing is how he had not been lying to me. even though #that is the kind of thing any predator would say to try to convince you not to tell to keep his secret. for my life #it was not a lie: nobody was on my side. nobody is still. my family hated me for it. hates me still.#i was left abandoned for it. i have no good family. he was not lying at all #csa ment #to survive is not a punishment. it only feels that way

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mintharasthrone · 11 days

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*tw* there is a tiktok interviewing a girl who's boyfriend of SIX YEARS drugged her and was literally EATING her and I could not listen to the whole thing. i wish i could unhear it. i wanted to vomit and it sent me into an anxiety attack it was so sick and disturbing

#kam #4b movement #and she was like waking up in and out of it thinking she was having some fucked up dream #there's so many men who fetishize c*nnib**lism it makes me wanna throw up and die. remember the wife who found her cop husband fantasy?#in the comments there was a disturbing film people were talking about where a man kills women and feeds them to paying rich ppl #and it's sexualized ofc bc men are disgusting #i fully bellieve so many fucked up movies are made bc of men's fetishes including that one #they want to take and harm women in every way possible they wont stop #remember that one rapist cnibal from japan who never went to jail and became a cornstar and celebrity bc he got famous for #RAPING AND KILLING AND EATING WOMEN??? violating their corpses?? he would talk about women he wishes he could eat?#we live in a world where that happened and men turned him into a celebrity and didn't punish him #stay away from men if you have any sanity in you god

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miesozernacma · 2 months

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