#with yr parent having no one else to Focus on but You. Alone.

[bladesmitten]

i love wyll because he's Lonely Only Child representation

[irastayshome]

Change requires courage, but not changing doesn't signify the lack of it. There are reasons beyond what my own thoughts can rationalise as to why I can't bring myself to hire a maid.. or continue in this job.. or move in with my parents.. or finally admit I am now single and behave like it.

A book I've been trying to read - keyword 'trying' because my mind can't seem to focus on anything cognitive for long these days - had a profound perspective. The unconscious mind has wisdom far beyond what the conscious mind dictates. If I were to give voice to some of these wisdom, it would sound so odd and misplaced, maybe even stupid. Like if I were to say that I do not wish to hire a maid to solve the daily struggle I have in getting enough sleep before going to work the next day because I was up doing dishes and laundry.. and justify it by my assertion that this space, confined by the walls that witnessed his decline and his demise and our arguments and our reconciliations and all the quiet moments that could easily be lost and swept away in memory.. it is sacred.

I know we do not bring anything or anyone to the ground with us when it is our time. To Him we belong and to Him we return. But allowing a stranger to step in, clean the mess and carnage left behind, someone who has no idea the significance of every receipt or broken household item or anything else one might sensibly decide to throw away without question.. it is too risky. We are still in a bubble.. where the slightest curve in the breeze makes us all unhinged and anxious about when it will all pop. When he will fully be gone from our lives.. when we will finally be forced to move on, even if we aren't ready to let go. How else would I explain all that sensibly, other than how I just did? It sounds like big allegories that may seem empty, but it really isn't.. not for me. Its even more concrete and real to me than a simple "a maid would solve all your sleep and caregiving struggles". The unconscious mind has a far more powerful effect on the will than the conscious mind. Its wisdom commands more respect than most of us are willing to give.

The job.. it's just a job honestly. Its for bills, and for escape, and for some semblance of achievement to keep me from spiraling into despair. But if I'm being truly honest, it's also to fight the loneliness I feel deep in my core. Not the kinda loneliness that makes me wake up heart racing after dreaming about being kissed so passionately and embraced so intensely that it broke my heart a little when I literally woke to reality - though this kind of loneliness I must admit is getting a little too much for comfort. The loneliness I feel deep down is not having anyone to hear what I feel about the genocide in Palestine, or about the political satire in PAP lately, or about my worries for AI taking over, or what I honestly feel about my 6 Yr old falling "in love" with his classmate. Its having a mate.. to laugh with, to muse with, to watch things you don't wanna watch alone with. Someone who just gets you, and accepts you wholly, and calls you out when necessary because they want you to win.. while they're right beside you.

So, in that manner, no. This job does not fight off this loneliness. It drains my bank accounts even more because my impaired mind keeps making lots of financial and ethical blunders, costing us so much more than if I were just unemployed. In terms of achievement and helping the less fortunate, nothing feels satisfying when your own house is on fire and you're not able to save your own family first. That's just how it is for me. Those boys are more important than anything else in the world now, and I'm completely replaceable at work, but not at home.

Sigh. Who are these musings even for. Are you reading this yang, somehow? You've always hated long texts from me.. why would you start liking it now right.. I really do feel like I'm going crazy sometimes.

[blackradandmad]

why blippi is rotting yr children's brains

preface: i literally expect no one to read this. it is an essay length, strong opinion piece critiquing a niche youtube-based children's show that i don't expect most of y'all to even have knowledge of lol. but like, i promise that even if you know nothing about what i'm talking about, in my incredibly, super humble opinion, it's a good piece of writing and interesting nonetheless. anyway if you read this whole thing for some reason yr really hot and we should kiss.

i thoroughly vet everything my child watches before he watches it, episode by episode. and we rarely watch youtube for entertainment; we usually just look up educational videos when he has a question about something and wants more detail than i can provide him. and that's mainly because children's content on youtube is so fucking troubling and distressing. i don't judge parents who give their children a tablet at a restaurant at all bc i've been there and sometimes it's easier on everyone to just put on a video and avoid a giant scene, but i do judge parents who just leave their children alone with youtube kids on autoplay.

take stevin john, a literal millionaire who got famous from dressing up as a silly character called blippi and going on tours of places like aquariums, zoos, construction sites, etc and posting it on youtube. this has branched into a whole empire of blippi videos, hulu shows and specials, live shows and tours (that he outsources to another character actor), merchandise and so on. this 30-something year old man cites his main influence as being mr. rogers, but i question if he's ever even seen an episode of that program.

mr. rogers had no background in early childhood development or media production, but he revolutionized the world of children's media, because he respected his audience and didn't shy away from real world situations, all while creating a show with an enormous heart. mr. rogers begins his episodes by inviting the viewer in, literally changing his attire to be more comfortable, and talking about/doing things he genuinely cares about. whereas mr. rogers calmly and maturely addresses the viewer, blippi puts on a high pitched, contrived voice, interjecting every other sentence with a forced exclamation such as, "teehee! we're having so much fun!"

i don't find it a coincidence that john (blippi) is a veteran, either. his videos are completely devoid of the absurd, abstract, childlike thinking that makes children's media fun, creative, and entertaining. his thinking and process is methodical, devoid of emotion, and very superficial. this line of thinking clearly shows the kind of creative sterilization and emphasis on sameness and conformity instilled in the military. blippi simply observes things and interacts with them in a stale, matter-of-fact way. "this ball is purple! this ball is pink! anyway... what's over there? teehee! a car! vroom, vroom!" objects are colors, toy cars don't do anything but drive, curiosity is simply not encouraged.

he uses the "it's educational!" excuse to hide the fact that his show lacks everything that makes media a valuable resource for children to consume in the first place. further than identifying colors, numbers, and the occasional letter or shape, there is just this total lack of children's need for social and emotional development. when mr. rogers breaks the fourth wall to address the viewer and let them know they're special, it feels authentic and natural, because we've spent the last half hour building whole worlds with diverse characters and unique stories in a pretend neighborhood, learning about and enjoying different musical instruments, being exposed to and making friends with (even if parasocially, it is still a real bond to children when done properly) children who are similar to us in character regardless of physical or environmental differences, feeding the fish, making art together, and so on. when blippi tells the viewer, "you are very special, and i enjoy spending time with you!" it falls completely flat and feels unearned, because the last half hour was spent running around a soft play center pointing at bright, colorful objects, visiting interesting locations like farms or fruit production factories while failing to acknowledge the humanity of the humans actually working there (everything is machine or product focused; the human workers are simply an extension of the machine), learning "fun facts" about elephants that just list attributes of elephants, not taking the opportunity to inform the viewers of elephants' intelligence, or diet, or matriarchal society. it is a loud, sensory overwhelming display of a man so disconnected from the social and emotional needs and desires of children that he assumes they're stupid, easily entertained idiots who only need some silly dances and fast-moving cartoon graphics to give their attention (meaning time and desire to purchase products meaning $$$). john clearly views his audience as a means to gaming the algorithm and ultimately a paycheck by the hollow way he addresses them.

the show is so narcissistic, so focused on all the fun blippi is supposedly having, but he lacks any of the character traits that make individual children's show hosts memorable, so much so that he was able to have someone else who doesn't even vaguely resemble him dress as blippi and impersonate him and host the show or appear at live shows, and it went unnoticed by most of his toddler and child audience. the show is so formulaic and the character of blippi is so unmemorable that instead of taking the blue's clues route of developing a story of the host leaving for college and his brother now stepping in, or making some sort of believable excuse for the change in actors, they can simply swap him out with some random guy and not acknowledge it at all. although a comedy show for older children, the amanda show in no way could or would try to replicate the show with the same name but swapping out amanda bynes with a random teenage girl who is clearly not amanda bynes. it's weird and nonsensical and shows that his character is so much of a farce put on for a paycheck that not even his dedicated audience is affected or even cares when he is replaced by a random, unknown person.

this is completely garbage content made by an opportunist with no experience with children who saw his nephew watching children's youtube content, took it at complete surface level and still hasn't realized that while children's content only looks and feels so easy, entertaining, and enriching because it is so hard to do well. even with outsourcing his music, that aspect of the show still sucks. famous and successful children's musician, raffi, is known for his song describing the life of a little white whale, called "baby beluga." it opens with a calm strumming of his guitar, followed by the lyrics, "baby beluga in the deep blue sea/swim so wild and you swim so free/heaven above/sea below/and a little white whale on the go." is it silly and kind of pointless? yes, but the point is that he is captivating children and showing them the fun of listening to music, dancing, singing, and appreciating art. the "excavator song" featured in an episode of blippi about construction vehicles opens with what sounds like a default garageband loop and the flatly sung lyrics, "i'm an excavator/i'm an excavator/hey dirt, see you later/i'm an excavator." i don't feel i have to meticulously analyze the aforementioned lyrics; the stark contrast should speak for itself.

i have a million more criticisms about both blippi specifically and youtube children's content as a whole, but this is already so long and i doubt many people will get this far anyway. it's an issue i was completely apathetic towards until i had my own child and had to wean him off these kinds of junk food shows because i realized the fast-paced visuals and bright colors and repetitive songs/lyrics were putting him in this spaced-out, fugue state, and he thought he could demand this show or that show whenever he wanted. the moment he started regularly yelling things like, "watch! cars!" or "no! click it!" i knew i had to be a lot more invested in the things he watched even if just for entertainment or as a soothing message. i showed him an episode of mr. rogers yesterday and feared it would be too slow to hold his attention, but he was mesmerized, greeting and interacting with mr. rogers verbally, asking me, "what's that?" to different objects on the screen. since purging this low-brow children's entertainment, he has had a noticeable increase in attention span and concentration, can focus on a task for longer amounts of times, is more likely to "read"/look through books without me initiating it, and doesn't throw a fit when the tv/my laptop is off.

i just know that for me, growing up with so much unsupervised internet access definitely led me to real-world pain and consequences, and it seems like now children are born with an iphone as an extension of their arm. if my child is going to be consuming videos, i'm definitely supervising every second and am going to be highly critical of the videos and the credentials (or lack thereof) of the creators and team behind it. but i also know, from pure observation admittedly, that parents letting youtube kids autoplay parent their children for hours at a time is not an uncommon occurrence. and it worries me that a generation of children are being raised on videos that rely on being as loud and bright and superficially enjoyable as possible. what's the use of a child knowing their colors and alphabet if they don't know how to treat people with kindness and empathy and respect? there is something wrong for a children's show host to plug the spelling of his name at the end of his videos ("well, that's the end of this video. but if you wanna watch more of my videos, just type in my name! can you spell my name with me? b-l-i-p-p-i!") after essentially rotting his audiences' brains for a half hour. there's something so insidious about the prioritization of naming different parts of construction vehicles over honest depictions of and conversations about dealing with feelings, or why someone with autism may act differently than you, or what to do when you feel lonely, or ways to make art and express yrself creatively. also, not to mention the blatant police propaganda and outright worship is seriously jarring; as a black mother to a visibly non-white child, i cannot sit there and watch blippi show kids how to be a bootlicker for the shittiest profession on earth, but that could be a whole essay in and of itself.

anyway, thanks for reading, if yr looking for quality children's content, i recommend, in no specific order: mr. rogers, sesame street, the electric company, molly of denali, daniel tiger, bluey!, blue's clues, the odd squad, word party, trash truck, puffin rock, uhh... that's definitely not an extensive list but that's just off the dome!!! ok bye y'all <333

[saudade-mayari]

I don’t blame people who says Aizawa is a bad teacher or a hypocrite, but you’re an account that I am comfortable sharing this because you also love eraser head. (It’s okay if you don’t want to post it)

Even Aizawa admitted to himself that he is a terrible teacher and mostly forced to teach as based on the vigilantes manga where Nemuri recommended Shota to be a teacher, but what he did to DEKU is somehow relevant for me.

Yes it is true that during the first part he hated Izuku’s guts and regarded him as having no potential but Aizawa was also testing the kid because whichever way watchers should know, Aizawa is right on the fact that Izuku just can’t attack recklessly and impulsively after having such destructive quirk. He did not disregard Izuku’s quirk, he is merely testing the kid to find his other resolve. As for Bakugo’s case Aizawa truly had a hard time disciplining him but he is watching him closely like what Mitsuki (Bakugo’s mom) said, so when All Might took tutelage of Midoriya (and Bakugo) he had no objections because as a HOMEROOM teacher, All Might is the best training for Izuku’s quirk (which is relatively passed onto him)

He is never a hypocrite for teaching Shinso. I don’t see anything wrong about that because I really understand that some training teachers have their own prodigy and he’s a homeroom teacher all he is accountable off is the overlooking at the their hero training which he did well because he focused on the student individual’s strength in the summer camp.

Aizawa also mentioned in a chapter in manga (254) why he expelled students in the past. He knew his capability as a homeroom teacher and he himself knows that he is a terrible teacher hence, re-enrolled them to other school where they would work with a new homeroom teacher. Some may see it as escaping of “escaping duties” but I really think during that time, Aizawa was just thinking what he thinks is best for the students. Afterall, he had proven himself good in manga as someone who really cares for ALL THE STUDENTS.

Blaming Aizawa for the events in 1A is practically uncalled and irrelevant, might as well just say the entire UA should be held accountable. He just had a poor decision making most especially when the truth about Kurogiri is revealed. However, even though he is not the best teacher, I can safely say that Aizawa is a decent and good teacher.

v v v long post ahead

yes anon!!!!. not my biased self speaking... he is not as great as other teachers, but saying shouta is a terrible teacher is uncalled for. he is a decent prof for me. made some mistakes, helps his students. it’s decent.

i firmly believe aizawa and all might are better example as a pro hero than teachers.

(Gonna point some of his mistakes in my perspective as a former teacher under the cut)

he was strict for a reason but he showed his care for all the students during the fight in manga (not gonna say since its spoiler) even aizawa himself knows he is terrible at teaching but at least he is trying😂

i also heard fans saying that because momo, tenya and todoroki are from rich and well known prohero family aizawa never bothered to scold at them. AGAIN IT IS WRONG TO SAY THAT.

momo, iida and todoroki...yes rich and families are known for being heroes but they practically never did anything to trouble aizawa so why else bother them? during their test, aizawa gave advice for todoroki and momo which considerably helped them.

aizawa’s way of teaching is to give harsh critiques and let the student have their own resolve. but as a former student and teacher speaking, it is both right and wrong to have that approach.

it’s definitely okay to let them figure out their own resolve (HAPPENS A LOT IN MED SCHOOL PROFS ARE HARSH HUHU) but it is important to somehow give them base and foundation before actually figuring out their so-called own resolves. i think it’s what aizawa lacks the most AS A TEACHER. but then again his entire character build up clearly says he’s not for teaching.

he was also called a hypocrite for teaching shinso but they aren’t picking on all might for mostly focusing on deku nor endeavor only wanting to focus on shoto. it’s not wrong to have their own prodigies because at the very least aizawa helped overlook his students like what he did in the summer camp and like what all might did in student practicals.

not just aizawa but all might, endeavor, nighteye and even gran torino have personal decisions on closely training those selected kids

aizawa WAS the only teacher who called the entrance/admission test irrelevant for non-physical quirks. HE KNEW IT WAS A PROBLEM SO HE HELPED SHINSO TO BE ON HERO DEPARTMENT bc he know the kid’s opportunity to be a pro hero in the future. he experienced that himself, although his quirk is powerful it was completely non-physical that is why his and shinso’s ability are less likely to be recognized. coz i agree the quirk admission test was somehow iffy... there should have been psychological quirk test too but i understand the point where fans tell that “it’s a student’s job to take advantage of their quirk rather than complain in the disadvantages of having a non-physical quirk.”

I agree on that statement but as a former student myself, i think reconsiderations should have existed coz there are probably lots of great students in general course department (like shinsou).

—and tbh... aizawa and kakashi are often the teachers who are regarded as ‘terrible ones’ but i don’t think so.

im not gonna point out kakashi’s but im gonna say aizawa’s role as a homeroom teacher. back in highschool, ive homeschooled in japan for 2 yrs due to personal reasons and i can say that based on their culture in japan and asia countries in general have a different approach on homeroom teachers.

homeroom teachers in japan are technically the ones who overlook the students, ppl who argued that aizawa should train them is irrelevant because all might is their combat and hero training teacher. aizawa is not meant to teach, but rather supervise.

which is why aizawa (as the homeroom teacher) and all might (the hero training teacher) are the ones who had council with parents because technically, aizawa is responsible for the students safety. HOWEVER....

manga spoilers on the cut

some anti aizawa fans are totally wrong to blame everything in him for 1A always being in dangerous circumstances because after reading the on going manga, they have no damned idea AT FIRST who the league of villains is responsible of. THE ENTIRE UA SHOULD BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE, not just aizawa I agree on that anon.

for aizawa and the rest it is still a puzzle in the early, i repeat early chapters of the manga what the league is really after aside from killing all might and changing the system of pro heroes.

yes. I agree he had bad decisions on the victims, mainly Kurogiri because he knew it was his friend. He regarded Kurogiri as a ‘victim’ but somehow disregarded the casualties it caused. It was irrational for aizawa to say it like that coz it was obviously a word out of his feelings in the past. can’t blame him (imo) but it was truly irrational and irrelevant for him to say it like that.

there are times aizawa as a teacher just harshly criticized them and let them have their own resolve which is in fact, pretty harsh for a bunch of 15 year olds. but i think aizawa only wants them to have their own resolve since its what aizawa has been doing since episode 5.

i think it was bad for aizawa to let iida go where his brother was attacked, he should have acted upon it as a homeroom teacher to secure iida’s safety but then again, ITS FOR THE SAKE OF PLOT😂

im going to say this again... as a former teacher speaking, it is bad for aizawa just to give the students harsh critiques and letting them figure their own resolves.

it’s not a bad teaching approach BUT that kind of approach doesn’t work ALL THE TIME. sometimes, aizawa needs to teach the basics, base and foundation so the students would have an easier time to HAVE AN ACTUAL SOLUTION

because as a student for 9 years in pre and med school, it is definitely hard to make critical decisions WITHOUT being taught the foundation and base first.

it’s like aizawa not teaching an intern general surgery but letting them have their own decisions if the intern is gonna decide whether to lead the surgery or not.

his teaching approach is not bad but it doesn’t work all the time. as a teacher, pro hero and adult he needs to imply his own experience as well which where the erasure hero lacks. But then again it’s plot and aizawa’s introvert character build up so we can’t really blame him because they need the plot to keep going.

personally, aizawa’s main mistake is not knowing what to teach for the answers to questions the students are not expected to know from teaching answers to questions the students are expected to know.

if aizawa’s gonna be that perfect teacher and all, the show would have been boring😂

though aizawa did assessed on their quirks during summer training arc but i think it was not enough for the fans.

aizawa is much more better as a pro hero alone. he does his job perfectly as pro hero.

so in conclusion, i think aizawa needs to have seminar with me 🤪 im gonna teach my man the proper and basics of teaching. HAHAHAHA KIDDING 🤪 (lowkey not kidding)

[home-is-where-beels-tiddies-are]

i lost the post i had that gave all of caragan’s info, so i’ll just post it again here. first pic is caragan after they die, because only obey me could drive me to design a character post-death 

i did design the sigils myself. then i added the sin marks from the cards, put that little pact symbol on it, and i took the original symbols from the actual demons and simplified/altered them. because i didn’t think it was a good idea to use the actual symbols. don’t wanna manifest something ya know lmao 

very long info dump under the cut. (info dump is copied from the post i lost) and yeah, caragan is a generic super powerful protagonist. so prepare for cheese 

likes: drawing, reading, gaming, and staying at home. they are drawn to dark things; horror, dark colours, literally most things dark.

home/family: they live alone, but near their parents, and they visit almost daily. they have a cat and three snakes (while caragan is away, the fur and scale babies are taken care of, don’t worry) 

age: 27 yrs old, born Jan 7th 

gender: nonbinary, they/them 

height: 4′10 / 147 cm

occupation: part time job, they also make bits and bobs to sell; art, crochet, etc. they went back to college too (and how they signed up for a certain exchange program; in my headcanon, they signed up for it and expected something mundane) then, after their first visit to the devildom, they start learning about the peace that diavolo proposed in their own time, and volunteer for the human organizations involved 

the design after they die: neither angel or demon, appearance shows physical attributes of both. (i also have a lot of post-death info, but… this is already so much, so i will leave it out) the ref i made is below: (worth noting that before their “fall,” using the term very, very loosely, everything on them that is red was white)

appearence: 

they wear all black with small, brightly coloured accessories 

brightly coloured accessories are normally bracelets, scarves, or pins. socks are also always nauseatingly bright 

casual outside attire: black hoodie, black t shirts, black ripped jeans, and converse 

casual around the house attire: grey sweatpants, obnoxious socks, a tank top, and sometimes a sweater or jacket they’ve stolen from the brothers 

formal attire: usually a suit, but asmo can convince them to wear a dress by finding amazing ones and wearing a dress too 

school uniform: jacket sleeves rolled up, or while in classrooms, off completely. no tie, ever. dress pants, wears black flats instead of dress shoes. during their first year, they kept their hair in a ponytail in class 

always wearing their favourite necklace 

first year piercings:

left ear - bar piercing in top, three normal piercings on bottom

right ear - three normal piercings on bottom 

second visit piercings:

left ear - same

right ear - three normal piercings on bottom, and two new normal piercings on top 

they wear binders to their classes and almost always when they go out for less active shenanigans 

rarely wears a binder in the house of lamentation; the first thing they take off when they get home 

hair is greying on both sides of their head, also some greys on top

always, always has dark circles and bags under their eyes 

brothers + romance: they are absolutely smitten with all of them, and they are very blunt and obvious about it. their favourite, though, is beel. this is kept as plainly obvious as their feelings for the others. since they love all of the brothers, they don’t hide their attraction to anyone. for the most part, it works out. 

pact mark locations:  (see first ref pic) 

lucifer - throat 

mammon - upper back 

leviathan - lower back 

satan - left inner thigh 

asmo - right inner thigh 

beel - right inner wrist 

belphie - left inner wrist 

overall, they’re very shy and awkward, and they like to joke around to cover it up. generally quiet, even around those they’re comfortable with. (they don’t talk a lot unless they’re having a ‘moment’ - a day where they’re hyperactive) they have crippling anxiety and depression, but the medication they take eases it. gets irritable around loud noises/people. they make an attempt in having a decent sleep schedule, but most nights they’re awake for hours longer than they intend to be. sleep schedule is more erratic when in the devildom. (probably belphie’s fault.) 

everything below is uh… like, how they act/react to the other characters.  

lucifer:  they mirror what lucifer offers them; if he’s being soft, they will be soft in turn. if he is upset with them, they will apologize and attempt to do better, and they expect the same if the roles are reversed. stuff like that. they don’t openly flirt with lucifer the same way they do some others, instead they focus on gentle interactions. they kept close to lucifer when they first arrived in the devildom (when mammon ditched them) because they deemed him more trustworthy than anyone else. 

mammon:  when with mammon, every filter caragan has is demolished instantly. given mammon never tried to kill or charm them, they grew to respect him very quickly. they also don’t treat mammon like an idiot; they’ve dealt with that themselves enough. yes, they tell him off for doing things that will very clearly come back to bite him in the ass, but they never target his intelligence because they know he’s smarter than he lets on. they openly flirt with mammon because they like to make him blush. they both get into trouble often, but they have each others’ backs throughout. 

leviathan:  they don’t spend as much time with leviathan, but they do enjoy his company. they usually lock away their info dumping and interests, but not with leviathan. he gets to gush about the things he loves, and they match his energy. he tries to offer the same courtesy. they also like to flirt with leviathan to make him blush, but they don’t do it as heavily or as often because his rejections/self deprecating comments make them feel bad. they are also thankful that they can talk to him about their anxiety and he understands it. they rarely call him “levi.” 

satan:  they also don’t spend as much time with satan, but less so than leviathan. they can’t help but feel stupid when they’re with him, so they don’t socialize with him often. buuut any time he offers to socialize, they don’t turn him down. in fact, caragan gets excited. he’s also where they turn to when they’re struggling with their studies or curious about something demon related. they do attempt to joke around and flirt with him, but it’s like a game of chicken, and caragan always ducks out. fairly quickly, too. 

asmodeus:  caragan adores asmo, but they can’t really place why. they also consider him as much a work of art as he does himself. they are very soft with asmo and they rarely flirt with him in a conventional way. even though they reject most sexual advances, they are as handsy as asmo is. asmo is their official cuddle buddy and they love to shower him in gentle affection. if asmo is in sight, they can often be caught staring. at first, they’re very embarrassed by this, and the brothers poke fun. eventually, though, they’re utterly shameless and just widen their smile if asmo catches them. 

beelzebub:  they love beel more than life itself, and that is absolutely not an exaggeration. at first, they were very avoidant and anxious when it came to beel, but when they started to hang out with him, they found him very easy to be around. the attraction started then, but then became way too strong when beel went into full demon mode over his custard. (mood) they started following him around everywhere. they continued that trend well into the year and the following visit. they’re very affectionate and clingy, sitting his lap and hugging him constantly. they carry around as many snacks as their pockets can hold for beel and beel only. 

belphegor:  they knew from the start that belphie was lying to them in the attic and probably meant them harm, but they never held it against him. they never really held their death against him either. they’re quiet around belphie for the most part, even when they started to like him. they often nap with him (against their better judgement) too. the two of them talk a lot about their ideal “me and you and beel” future. more than is healthy. their conversations outside of that are often filled with snark and a weird tension that caragan doesn’t understand. it usually melts away after a cuddle and a nap, though. 

diavolo:  they instantly liked diavolo. they’re very cautious and anxious around him, but they try to be warm in their interactions with him. they do call him “lord diavolo,” and treat him with due respect. he usually throws them for a loop with most things he does, but they try to keep up and be understanding. they have a strong need to get closer to him, for reasons that they don’t understand or even try to understand. they don’t do much about it either. his demon form causes them to become flustered. very flustered. the not-oblivious brothers tease them for it. they have such a huge crush on him. 

barbatos:  they don’t interact with him that much, or try to interact with him outside of things that are necessary. they have nothing against him, they just don’t feel the need to. they’re very polite to him, as polite as they are to diavolo. while they’re curious about him, they don’t go out of their way to interact with him. there’s really not much there besides mild curiosity. 

solomon:  they think he gives off a copious amount of mischievous vibes and it puts them off. at first. they are kind and polite towards him, and they would consider him a friend. the friendship is essentially that “we have no friends in this class so we will become friends to fill the void. but only in this class. we will never speak to each other outside of this place.” it’s not nearly as specific, but that’s the flavour of friendship they have in the beginning. eventually, he grows on caragan and they end up looking forward to seeing him. they just find him very fun. 

simeon:  they think simeon is beautiful and has been caught staring almost as much as when they stare at asmo. with simeon though, they will never be shameless about their staring. they continue to be embarrassed about it forever. forever. they’re polite and kind to simeon, but they feel he keeps himself closed off from them. during their second visit to the devildom, with the play and all, they become a little scared of simeon. it doesn’t change the way they interact with him, but it does put them off for a bit. and after some overthinking, they end up being more drawn to him. 

luke:  they were very anxious around luke, at first. they don’t like kids, and generally become twice as awkward around them. eventually, they found him adorable. when they speak to him, they will focus on child logic, but they do speak to him the way they would speak to anyone. never patronising. happily helps him with studies if they can, gives him affirmation and reassurances whenever needed, and is protective. they have even been known to stand up to lesser demons when they target luke. (when simeon isn’t around; it’s rare) even though caragan is scared shitless the whole time, they try anyway. seeing as they’re only 4′10, they never make short jokes or anything of the like. when the brothers make short jokes, they shoot disapproving looks and will express disappointment if it drags on too long. 

the end of their life time:  they go on to live for a while, dedicating themselves entirely to diavolo on the human side of things, even becoming a public speaker for it. sharing their experiences n all that. which is something they’d never do for anything else. 

at a certain point though, about 50 yrs old or so, they do stop visiting the demon brothers because they’re getting old. they die shortly after in an accident. brothers don’t find out because caragan was already avoiding them. (though, there is general unease because of the bonds they have with caragan. they know something’s very, very wrong but not what. they fear the worst, and they’re right to.) 

but for all the things they did for “the cause,” they were to be judged in the celestial realm. (and… i see it as… in a horrible, horrible way, the big guy upstairs knew everything that would happen with lilith, and deemed her and her brothers an acceptable loss in exchange for peace. it was all orchestrated. i also think that diavolo knew the plan, for the most part. he has his own reasons for wanting the peace, but he does know what the plan was.) 

but they’re escorted to The Big Guy by simeon and luke (a cute reunion with hugs) and he straight up asks caragan what they want. like they can stay here, go to the devildom, or remain in the human realm. 

in any case, they’ll be given all the attributes needed to thrive in all three realms, but only if they continue in their trying to maintain peace. obviously, caragan is all for continuing. and of course, they choose to make their home with the brothers. god’s all like, “you will retain your angelic status, but you do have to fall to achieve the status of demon. are you sure?” they have to have demon attributes to ensure survival and comfort living among demons, so that’s why. 

and caragan straight up says, without missing a beat, “even heaven is hell without them.” everybody knows who they’re talking about. simeon is torn between “that’s so rude” and “that’s so sweet” and luke is horrified. god just laughs. 

they all talk a bit longer so caragan knows exactly what they’re getting into. they will have a lot of power as both angel and demon, but they have to keep their humanity in exchange for that power. which means, inevitably, their long life will become a curse. no human is built to live for a millennia, so it’ll take a toll on their mind and at the end of it all, they won’t be themselves anymore. 

caragan basically says, “yah, worth it. lezgo.” god hands them paperwork, some explaining what caragan is and why, as well as a peace treaty thing to give to diavolo when they get home. i was thinking it’d be something cheesy like “the treaty of the last fallen angel.” no more fallen angels after caragan, they fell so no one else has to again. idk, symbolism or something. but even the future angel/demon hybrids won’t have to fall. 

cue caragan yeeting themselves from the celestial realm. 

diavolo knows caragan’s about to fall (barbatos n all that) and gathers the brothers to the place it’ll be. caragan is just a ball of blue flames, then a crater, the brothers are baffled. 

falling hurts a shit ton (even without losing wings and all that), so caragan ends up crying, but they cry blood. (for angel reasons. i dunno why i think angels cry blood.) which drips from their face and onto the white fabric of the thing they’re wearing, and then everything white fades into a red, even the white of their eyes. (i want to try very roughly animating that one day.) 

then there’s another heart warming reunion, but also with a shit ton of heart break because not only did caragan die, they also just fell. the brothers are angy.

before the brothers can get all “let’s fight god,” caragan hands diavolo the paperwork, all of which he reads out loud for the brothers. 

uh. roll credits. 

just tidbits:

caragan is an angel of perseverance and a demon of despair. 

they have six wings and six eyes on each wing. 

their halo was a tangible ring of golden light, but when they fell, it became horns. but like… still in a ring shape. still a halo. just different. 

they are barefoot in their angel/demon form because they have talons and also just… hate shoes. 

when all the white turned red, all the gold turned silver. 

they look as they did during their second visit to the devildom when they enter their “afterlife.”  

their human form is also just… them. hoodie, ripped jeans, everything, they’re just themselves. 

[btsandvmin]

Collection of asks 2 - BTSandVMIN

I had to make a second one because the length of the first one was getting way too long. If you are curious about some of my older asks here is the link to my first collection post - Collection of asks - BTSandVMIN

I have this post because I feel some of the asks I answer are worth saving, for me personally, and perhaps for you as well. But I don’t want to put them all in my Masterpost where I want to keep it a bit more structured for my longer posts and analysis. So for asks that are more about answering specific questions or about general things or my feelings I will put them here.

Asks are written more in the moment than my usual posts, so they might be less accurate as it’s all mostly from the top of my head. The newest ones will actually be on top, and then they will get older going down the list. I’ll update it regularly as I answer more asks. :)

Look at jhope's interaction with maknae line

Sorry for spamming with asks

You're so right about how any ship can be possible if you focus on it

I reject any idea of a couple being pushed to protect another 

What do you think of vmin’s busan forehead kiss?

About tae changing the choreo of fake love

What do you think of that famous ji/kook trip together ?

"Friends" doesn't speak about a friendship to me and the title seems like a way to "hide" the true meaning. Thoughts?

I honestly do feel his "best" friend is only ever needed when it's convenient to him

When j/k wore matching shirts asked them something like are u guys dating Its so differnt from his rn to vmin

Looking at th and jm for what they are or represented to be their bond shouldn't be taken at face value. Just reminding that jealousy amongst bandmates do exist

Jimin kissed tae on the pretext of kissing tanny. tae blanked out for a few secs after that

Jin in Jimins Festa profile this yr called Tae his "Bf" and then the next word is "best friend"

I dont think vmin or any other ship in bts for that matter are in any form of relationship right now.

Kind of agree with vmin not spending much time together outside of work & things they do/say barely even give off that "possibly a couple" vibe in general

IF feelings are involved, who do you think fell first and why? 

You already said that you ship them, but do you think that they're real?

I found it kinda weird how jimin apparently "didn't know" 4 o'clock was inspired by him

Have u seen that one radio interview in the past Th openly called out jm for liking men? 

We never see them hangout tgt I mean we have seen ji/kook tgt more often and tae with his wooga squad

What did you think about jimin playing the video game using tae's acc while the latter looked from behind?

When tae posted 'lets keep going for a long time i only have u' they probably only knew e/o for about 2 yrs and now we also know that at that time they still argued and fought with e/o alot. Yet they felt so strongly for their frienship.

What are your thoughts about tae choosing " my time " to recommend it to a non army.

If we look at their personalities tae is more of introverted and shy these days while jimin is more outgoing and loud. But when it comes the them jimin is always the one who seems cautious

Is it my imagination or is Jimin VERY loud lately? I feel like the roles have somehow been reversed.

The timeline of the dumpling incident really confuses me. 

Why do i feel like vmin dont hangout outside of work anymore

Just read your ji/kook vs vmin post regarding festa and I agree. you can tell that jm gets very serious when it comes to tae

A possible sexual relationship between Jimin and Tae. I've seen subtle hints where this might be happening behind the scenes like the recent bang bang con

Whenever joon says stuff like 'what a nice friendship/bcoz he is your friend' vmin have a very neutral or blank face

When do you think their friendship turned into something more?

Did u see how tae coloured jimin's name on the soft board with purple. 

Jimin recently in this festa says jk is his soul brother

Nj nearly always tries to underplay vmin's bond.

Sweet Night: “Sharing my fragile truth That I still hope the door is open Door' 

I feel like jimin was reluctant to talk about the dumpling incident probably bcoz it involves him getting drunk?

Your opinion on the whole "that's smth a couple would do" "you two look like a couple" for ji/kook vs "it's cause he's your friend "

What ur opinion is on the new kdrama that is based on homosexuality. 

Tae has many a times mentioned wanting to have kids or wanting to be father.

Taehyung has always talked about having a family, children and wife etc. 

I personally feel the maknae line in general have been advised not to do lives alone tgt bcoz of the intense shipping

I spend hours reading your posts and I could never get tired of it

I have a doubt about vmin  recently V is so close to JK it seems like V avoiding jimin

Taehyung talked about the movie Call Me by Your Name and its soundtrack

I honestly like how unpopular vmin are.

Let's say JM and TH have other partners - do you think said partners would be okay with a whole song of vmin declaring each other as soulmates? 

In the end there is no moment that is unique to a ship. do you agree?

Some vlives are arranged by the company and sometimes members themselves when the find free time they go live. 

What was the point of making a decision tght to come on vlive tgh infront of the fan to then not do it?

It cant be the company stopping v and jm from doing a live can it? 

Do you the think the reason vmin dont do vlive is because taehyung's feelings are one sided?

Theory on a possible reason on why vmin has not gone to do a vlive on their own for so long?

On bon voyage 3 j hope mentions how v and jk were hugging each other in their sleep.

Ji/kook is obvious (ear nibble) and Tae reacting blank to Vmin moments

But why they dont have funny bro handshake like v/kook?

You are so delusional like seriously how do you function in real life

You know how vmin called eo soulmates. The term can also be taken in a platonic way too right

If there’s a real ship in bts, can you give me your opinion on who?

Tae kissing jimin's cheek after they won an award in some music show (About ship edits)

I think vmin is real. Can you do a Sweet night analysis because in my opion the song dosen't match with the drama

Why are you a Vmin shipper if you don't think Jimin is gay or at least bisexual? 

I don't blame V and Jimin for not doing Vlive together

You know that blurry picture of vmin in 2014?

Tae and jk seem like the members who are most non straight to u and also that jimin might be straight so then isnt it more possible for t**k***k to be the couple?

Do you think that vmin are straight?

Can you tell me what makes you think jk is not straight

Ppl connect sweet night and 4 o' clock with vmin After tae's live yesterday n i m also seeing some ppl being offended by it.

Why do I sense that Tae has more of crush on Jimin (and realized it) but Jimi is oblivious?

Will you still publish that long vmin and lgbt in korea analysis.

Even namjoon said they should go live to discuss about their song.

I dont really consider minjoon vlive as one they did themselves. it was mostly organised by the company

Maknae line avoid vlives and  its really weird that jimi would do it with rm but not tae

Shouldnt it be easy for them to go live tght than anyone else?

Tae is very reluctant or scared to do a vlive with jimin

In the past month when vmin did mention about the song they just made superficial comments

Hi 💙 do you write vmin fics?

I also feel that jm is nervous to talk about the song even though he said he will in the comeback show

If jimin doesn't go live today as well maybe we can get a vmin live?

Vmin antis say vmin are not friends irl and use the fact that they are never spotted hanging out offscreen as "proof"

Will you do a Vmin throwback - 2019?

Can we even be considered delulu anymore for thinking not all of this is a coincidence?

Sweet night doesn't really fit the couple relationship in the drama

What do you mean when you say 'not being delulu'?

I dont know why after listening to sweet night i feel very nervous?

Maybe the lyrics to SN are very well just about the drama/webtoon.

Do you think the songs lie and stigma are related ? 

Namjoon talking about Friends 2 - Making excuses

Namjoon talking about Friends 1 - Can’t write about them

About the “Hello my alien” line in Friends

Do you think they gone do fansing this period of promoting?

Jm said when he wants to make and gift a song if he finds someone he loves and he actually helped write n produce the melody of chingu

Omg Ive been crying over the vmin song lyrics ever since they came out.

Thoughts about the song and what you took out of it

Its not a light hearted thing to call each other soulmate

This kind of debunks the christmas song theory… i feel sad like they are commercialising their friendship

Jimin is partly involved in the making and it will be about Jimin and Tae’s bond

I fear that vmin will become the next larry 

Chrismats song, smile awards. Arent those awards previously decided and even the words written for them by the company?

I was wondering if you're going to write something about bv4 and all the vmin we got there

Do you think that vmin say they love each other truly or for fan service?

Recently i watched a vkook video to compare

Do you know how exactly vmin met?

Whenever I do get the chance to focus on Vmin it’s usully one of three things

At the airport Tae had his arm around Jimin's shoulder but removed it quickly when they arrived in front of the cameras.

I don’t care if people don’t ship Vmin romantically. But with Vmin doing things like this you can’t really blame us if we do.

I got a looooot of asks on the Christmas song and I will adress the ones I have left all in one go

The reaction in bv was probably cause he wants to visits there and jm got there first

Vmin talked about tannie and how they went to visit tannie at tae's parents house

Just do it how you feel comfortable, we are waiting for your analysis

What video is the gif you post with this : Jimin and V talking about going to the Sapporo snow festival and playing in the snow together 

This break was an opportunity for them to be around other friends and family so maybe they just wanted to spend this time apart

Do you really think vm are soulmates? Sometimes i feel like we might be over using this word for them 

Once again thank you for all the asks you send! And also sorry for not being able to keep up and answer them all. I’ll try to answer some old ones as well whenever I can, and I will keep adding some of them to this list. I hope you found something interesting. Thanks for reading!

[sapphicsaro]

can i request an anya fic + career day at school (preferably set when anya's 8/9 yrs old). thanks 😊

i tried to be fluffy, but you know I’m an angsty bitch !! enjoy !!

—

“Okay, so remember that tomorrow is career day, kids! If your parent is coming, they will sign in with me in the morning. Have a good day everyone!”

Miss. Mitchell was a nice teacher. 

Was she annoying? Maybe a little too sweet sometimes, but Anya liked her. Third grade wasn’t challenging for the young girl, but Anya enjoyed that her teacher at least tried to make it fun with activities and projects. 

You might be able to say that Anya was a teacher’s favorite, which is why Miss. Mitchell noticed her apprehension at the mention of career day. 

“Anya? Can you hang back for a few minutes?”

Anya furrowed her brows, “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, no. Not at all.”

The eight year old redhead watched her classmates leave as she headed towards her teacher’s desk and took a seat on the opposite side. She crossed her arms as Miss. Mitchell stared back. 

“Anya, I was wondering if you planned on having anyone come tomorrow for career day? You’re the only one who hasn’t updated me.”

“No. No one is coming.”

“Any reason why?”

Because my mom’s dead and my dad is an Avenger, but I can’t tell anyone. 

“My dad’s busy,” Anya fiddled with her skirt, trying to avoid the tall blonde’s blue eyes.

“What about your mom?”

Anya felt her eyes begin to water, “She can’t.”

“Okay, well, if you need to talk, or need anything-“

“I’m fine, Miss. Mitchell. Thank you. Can I go now?”

Miss Mitchell smiled slightly and nodded, “Of course. Is your dad here to pick you up?”

She shook her head, “No, my uncle is coming today.”

“Okay, I’ll walk you out.”

Anya slipped on her backpack and grabbed her teacher’s hand as they walked towards the front of the school, out the doors where Fury stood. 

“Hey spider.”

The little girl grinned widely and ran towards her “uncle” who immediately welcomed her into his arms. Anya giggled, “Hi, дядя (uncle)!”

Fury smiled as he held her, he loved her Russian. She continued her lessons because it reminded her of her mother, something she always wanted since her passing. 

It’s been years, but going through elementary school without a mom made life harder. Everyone bombarded her about her mother, and Anya never told anyone what really happened. Teachers assumed she was busy, because Anya said she was, and her friends had no clue her mother was no longer around. She would tell stories to them about all the things she would do with her mother, from days at the theme park to camping out in their yard. Her imagination was wild.

Anya snuggled into his arms, resting her head on his shoulder, “I’m tired.”

“What, is third grade tiring?”

“You don’t even know. I need to go home and nap.”

He chuckled, “You got it.” Placing her down, she got herself in the car, and Fury noticed Miss. Mitchell still standing nearby, watching them. “Is there something I can help you with?”

She shook her head, snapping back into focus, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to intrude. I was just…um…actually…while you’re here…do you mind if I ask you about Anya’s home life? You don’t have to answer, obviously, it’s just-“

Nick looked back at the car, seeing that Anya already had her headphones in, “You can ask. I might not answer.”

“Right, of course,” she smiled uncomfortably again. “I was just wondering, do you know what her parents do for a living? Just because tomorrow is career day and all of the kids are either bringing in a parent or doing an activity about their parents’ job and I can’t seem to get much information from her. She talks about her mother and father all the time, but nothing about what they do.”

“What exactly does she say about them?”

“Oh, all good things. She talks about her father all the time, you know, about their hiking trips and such. But her mother, that’s who she mostly talks about.”

Nick sighed, “Oh.”

“No, no! Nothing bad. She’s all about her mother, always talking about their days together, at the theme park and the mall. She really loves her mother a lot. But, she says her parents are at work whenever I ask. And I’ve met her father, never her mother, and I still don’t know what they do exactly.”

Oh fuck. 

Nick swallowed hard, “She hasn’t told you…”

“About their jobs? No.”

He glanced back at Anya who was focused on the screen in her hands, god, the poor thing. “I’m sorry, Miss-“

“Mitchell. Miss. Mitchell.”

“I’m sorry, Miss. Mitchell, but Anya’s mother passed away about four years ago before the vanished returned.”

Her smile faded quickly as she realized the reality of the situation, “Oh my god, I’m so sorry.”

“No need to apologize. She has a lot of family helping her out, and her father is very much in her life.”

“Of course. Gosh, I just wish I would have known. I have a policy of how to deal with children who have lost a parent,” the young woman look defeated. 

“It’s not your fault. I’ll talk with her and her father about it. And thank you for your concern, but I’d appreciate if you let us talk about this at home first before talking to her.”

“Oh, yes! I won’t bring it up again, I promise.”

If only she knew. 

If only he could tell her that Anya’s mother died to save billions of people; her sacrifice alone brought back the vanished. 

But he couldn’t. 

The world was still a dangerous place, and they tried to keep Anya on the down low. Hell, they had their names changed for her to be in public school. Anya’s last name was now “Baker”, and her parents were “James” and “Natalie”. Fury desperately wanted to change Anya’s name to a more common one, but Clint refused. She was too young and already lost her last name, it would be too much. 

So, years ago when they sat down little four year old Anya before school started, they quizzed her on her name and she passed with flying colors. 

What else could you expect from the child of two agents?

There wasn’t much Fury was unsure of, but this situation was definitely an uneasy one for him. He had continued to be a large part of Anya’s life, always being there as much as he possibly could. After losing Natasha, Fury needed to take some time for his personal life, which wasn’t really significant. 

But there was Anya. 

Clint welcomed the help, although he never acknowledged it. The man had struggled a lot after losing his wife, and he often did not reach out when he needed support. Neither would Fury. So they didn’t talk about it. He just came over, helped with Anya and never explained why. 

Anya was knocked out on the ride back. 

At least he had some time to think about how he could handle this conversation. 

He carefully got her out of the car, carrying her back to the farmhouse to make sure she stayed asleep. She grumbled here and there, but Fury managed to get her all the way upstairs and in her bed without her waking up. 

As he headed back downstairs, he pulled out his phone to call Clint. 

Two rings later, the archer answered, “Fury, everything okay?”

Casual phone calls weren’t a thing between the two men, so obviously Clint would assume there was a problem if he was calling. “Anya is fine. But her teacher gave me some news.”

“What, is she in trouble?”

“No. But tomorrow is career day. And Anya said her parents were too busy to come in.”

“And the teacher’s suspicious?”

“Yeah, she asked me what Anya’s parents do for a living.”

“Parents?”

“Exactly.”

There was a small silence before Clint sighed, “Shit.”

“Apparently Anya has been telling everyone about the fun adventures her and her mother go on, including her teacher.”

“Did you tell her the truth?”

“I had to, Clint. We have to ensure that your covers won’t be blown.”

“I’m coming home.”

“Clint-“

“No, Fury. This is much more than her risking our covers. She’s pretending her mother is still alive. I need to be there for her.”

“I’ll talk to her about it.”

“And what? Warn her about how she’s not being a good agent?”

“Excuse me?”

“She’s not Natasha, she doesn’t work for you. This is my kid we’re talking about.”

“You think I only come here to keep your covers in check? You think I’m here to work?”

“Sounds like it.”

“Jesus fuck, you’re dense if that’s all you think I’m here for. Sure, I just volunteer to watch her for the week for work purposes. Anya is family to me, Clint. And so are you, I’d hope you would have known that by now.”

Clint remained silent.

“I called you because I was worried about her. I didn’t know what I should do.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. But never question my love for that little girl again.”

“I can still try to come home? We can make up a fake job or something and I’ll talk to Anya about her stories later?”

“No, you only have one more night there. You should finish the mission with Bishop.”

“Okay. Just please let me be there to talk to her about this, though.”

“Of course.”

“Keep me posted, Fury. I have to go, but call me before she goes to bed?”

“You got it. See you soon, Barton.”

“Goodbye.”

“Uncle Fury?”

He turned around to see Anya rubbing her eyes, “Hey there, munchkin. You okay?”

She yawned, “Mhmm, I just needed a nap.”

“C’mere, kiddo.”

The little girl waddled over to him, and reached out climb up into his lap. She snuggled into his chest, “Was that papa?”

“Yes it was.”

“Is he coming home?”

“One more day. Is that okay?”

She nodded, “Mhmm.”

Fury let her lay against him, her fingers picking at his shirt, “Anya?”

“Yeah?”

“How would you like it if I was your guest for career day?”

She lifted her head up, her face beaming, “Really?!”

“Of course. It’d be my honor.”

And that’s how Nick Fury ended up in a classroom at eight in the morning surrounded by third graders listening to how he “knew the Avengers” because of his old job as a “driver”. 

Sure, it was a massive lie. 

But it made all the kids happy, especially one little redhead.

[thir13enghosts]

(im the person who sent the ask) oh sorry about that :( how about 12 with Royce and Mabel then :-)

oh it’s fine! i should’ve prefaced that beforehand

EDIT (9/22/22): mabel mahoney’s name is now michelle “mickey” rabbitte for anyone who might potentially be confused

12: describe your character’s parents.

royce clayton

before she died, theresa martinez clayton would’ve been the first to tell you that she wasn’t perfect. she smoked, she drank, and she wasn’t exactly the best at the whole “keeping an eye on your rowdy/impulsive son to make sure he doesn’t get hurt” thing.

but despite that, she tried to be a good mother, or at the very least an okay one. she taught him how to defend himself (something that has saved royce’s life on more than one occasion), soothed him when he got scared at night, and made sure that royce got through school and passed. she even let johnny stay over whenever his parents got to arguing so much that they either didn’t bother making him dinner or decided that he needed to “join in” on their weekly shouting match.

she met royce’s father, jacques clayton, while they were both in high school. jacques was a bit of a quiet soul, had a tendency to lose focus pretty quickly (royce Definitely inherited his adhd from his dad’s side of the family lmao) unless it dealt with electricity. they became smitten with each other pretty quickly, and got married right out of high school. royce came along pretty shortly after. the three of them didn’t have much, but they were happy. things seemed like they’d all work out.

unfortunately, jacques wasn’t in his son’s life very long, and that wasn’t by choice. y’see, royce’s old man was a lineworker (he worked on electrical lines). and one day, when royce was seven years old, jacques didn’t come home at his usual time. or at all, really. it wasn’t until late in the evening that the news got back to theresa and royce: jacques was dead. it was a total freak accident. one minute, he’s working on a line as usual; the next, a lightning bolt comes outta nowhere and strikes him! by the time his coworkers noticed, he was already falling from the pole. death was instantaneous.

royce…didn’t take this well. as a result, his impulsivity issues got worse. he started becoming more and more of a risk-taker. and that inevitably led to…well. you know.

royce’s death utterly destroyed theresa, she was never the same afterwards. it was like some part of her soul had burned with him in that crash. she never remarried, never had another child, and died fifteen years later.

michelle rabbitte

cw: implied abuse, ableism, misogyny (on horace’s part)

i’m sure you already know her dad, so let’s talk abt darleen.

back in 1976, darleen rabbitte was a 20 yr old hitchhiker that a 29 yr old horace mahoney picked up late one night. his height/size was very intimidating to her, but he was also polite and awkward in an endearing sort of way. it was very easy for horace to convince her to come back to his home in the junkyard. darleen left early the next morning, and that was supposed to be that.

the problem came a few weeks later when darleen realized that she was pregnant. she immediately hitched a ride to a phone and called up the last man she’d had sex with: horace. she explained to him that she was pregnant and considering the time-frame, it was more likely than not his child and she really didn’t know what to do and she didn’t have anywhere else to go, so could she please stay with him until she could figure something out please? horace very reluctantly agreed, and it was settled. darleen moved in, ended up having mildred, and they agreed to raise her together.

she would’ve been much better off raising michelle alone. to say that horace and darleen’s “relationship” was tumultuous would be an understatement. he hated her, barely tolerated michelle, and darleen learned very quickly to be afraid of him. surprise, surprise: a man who would later go on to literally rip women apart with his bare hands wasn’t very good to the women in his life!

darleen tried to look past that, tried to focus on raising michelle (bc someone had to do it and horace sure wasn’t helping out), but it got to a breaking point. one day in 1986, darleen fled the junkyard and never came back. she was scared for her life and wasn’t thinking straight, but none of that mattered to horace. as far as he was concerned, darleen was just another lying deserter bitch just like his mother, and made sure to let their now 10 yr old daughter know as such.

(michelle, for her part, never fully believed the terrible things her father told her abt her mother, but was never entirely sure they were lies either. why would her father lie to her like that? she knew better than to question him, though.)

darleen tried to get partial custody, but it didn’t work out in her favor. after she ran off, she had spent some much-needed time in a psychiatric hospital and just that alone ended up being enough for dismiss her. it didn’t help that she never showed up to the hearings; she was too scared to be in the same room as him. she knew how freakishly strong he was, and while she didn’t know what exactly he was capable of doing to another person—not yet, at least—she did know that if he really wanted to hurt her, there wouldn’t be much that anyone could do to stop him.

after that, darleen resolved to get her life together and to make it stick. even though it was difficult and involved a lot of trial & error, she made it to some semblance of a stable life. all the while hoping that maybe, just maybe if she worked hard enough, she’d get to see her daughter again.

it wouldn’t matter. five years after she left, in 1991, horace mahoney was dead. and darleen was given full custody of michelle.

michelle and darleen don’t really talk abt horace all that much nowadays—aside from a very long and very cathartic talk abt him when michelle turned 21—and they both try not to think abt him if they can help it. there’s no point to it.

after all, horace mahoney is dead. and dead he will stay.

[miraculousagentsofkrypton]

Imagine an Alien Sister Pt 1

Alex is 6 years old.(A smart six yr old)

AO3

For as long as Alex could remember, Kara had been there. An older sister, watching over her always. No one else could see her, and Alex never understood why. She looked and felt just as real to her as anyone else. Granted, Kara couldn’t touch anything very easily. She had to concentrate, and it tired her out quickly. She never had that problem with Alex though. Whenever Mom and Dad weren’t around, Kara loved to pick Alex up and swing her around like she was flying. And Kara gave the best hugs. Alex was secretly glad she got them all to herself.

But sometimes Kara had to go away for a little while. Kara called them her “wake up” moments. Kara never seemed to like her wake up moments. She was always so very quiet when she came back. No matter how much Alex bugged her, Kara never told her where she went in her wake up moments. Or why she was so sad when she returned.

Every time she would simply say, “I just missed you little one . That place doesn’t matter when I’m with you. You push all the sad away. I love you and I’ll always come back.”

That never explained how… sensitive... Kara always was afterward. She’d avoid dark and small places like the plague and spend more time outside. Alex loved preparing picnics for her sister when she returned cause she knew it always cheered her up. She made all the sandwiches herself. She had to ask her Mom for help with everything else though.

Kara never kept being an alien a secret from her. Kara would tell her all kinds of stories about Krypton, their legends, their culture. She even taught Alex the language. She spoke less often about her family, but sometimes she would regale her with all kinds of stories of working in the lab with her father, and of studying the stars with her Aunt. She talked about her mother in a quiet solemn voice, describing her admirable sense of duty and love for the people. And she never once mentioned a cousin, not until Alex met Clark Kent for the first time when she was six years old.

There’d been a knocking at the door, and since Mom and Dad were both busy in the lab, she’d gone to open the door herself. He was a large man, with a quirky sweater, big glasses, and a kind smile. He’d introduced himself as Clark Kent, and started asking after her parents, but Alex stopped listening quickly, because as soon as Kara had seen him, she’d started crying.

“Uncle Jor-El?” The words were whispered, “No. It can’t be.”  Alex watched as she hesitantly walked up to the man. “He has Aunt Lara’s eyes.” Her face scrunched up, “I know it’s been years, but it can’t possibly be… Kal-El?” A hard sob broke through her lips, pure devastation visible across her face. “ No. Oh Rao, please no. You’re supposed to be a little child! Not an adult, raised without any knowledge of home. ” Kara’s form started to shimmer and disappear as she reached up, as if to touch his face. She was having a wake up moment. Kara started at the sight of her translucent hand. “No, wait! Not now!” Then she was gone.

For all her questions and worry, Alex knew better than to interfere when someone else was around. She so desperately wanted to comfort her sister, and ask who Kal-El was. Someone from Krypton?

“Alex.”

The sudden sound snapped her back into focus, reminding her that Clark Kent, or Kal-El, had been talking and she hadn’t heard a word. Whoops.

“I’m sorry Mr Kent. I was thinking about your glasses. You must have some really bad eyes!”

Learning to make up random lies on a moments notice had been a necessary skill, when growing up having to hide the presence of Kara. People didn’t appreciate children that talk to thin air and act like someone was responding. Occasional mistakes could be excused by an imaginary friend, but that only went so far, and for so long. Kara always looked sort of uneasy at the idea of using an imaginary friend as an excuse, and often pushed her to be more careful. Alex wasn’t sure they had imaginary friends on Krypton.

Clark gave her an uncomfortable smile, almost nervous at the question. “Haha, um, yep. Almost blind without these things. I was just wondering where I might find one or both of your parents.”

“They’re in their lab.”

“Do you mind showing me the way?”  

“Yes!” Alex squeed excitedly, always up for any excuse to visit the lab.

She lead him into the house, and lasted about ten seconds before the curiosity got the better of her and she recklessly burst out, “Is your name really Kal-El? Are you from Krypton? How did you get to Earth?”

Shock spread across his face. “I- I didn’t realize your parents were so open with you.”

Alex grimaced. Right. She wasn’t supposed to know anything . But, apparently she was right, and her parents knew, so she quickly lied, “I overheard them talking.”

A soft smile returned to Kal’s face, and he ruffled her hair affectionately. “You’re a curious one aren’t you.”

Alex smirked. “So?”

He held his hands up jokingly, “Alright, alright. I am from the planet Krypton. My parents sent me to Earth when I was just a baby. Kal-El is my Kryptonian name, but you can still just call me Clark.”

Alex was almost vibrating from excitement. Maybe Kal would tell her something Kara never would. “Why?”

He looked at her confused. “Why what?”

“Why did your parents send you away?”

His smile slipped away. “I don’t know if you’re old enough for that story yet.”

“No.” Alex stomped her foot. “I’m so sick of that excuse. I know it can’t be a happy story if you had to leave your parents. I can handle it.”

Kal looked at her appraisingly, slight surprise and respect on his face, but also apprehension. Alex knew she was going to lose this argument, she always did with Kara, so she grasped her last card, a cute pouty face. (A perfect copy of Kara’s) “You don’t have to tell me everything. Please.”

A big sigh. Alex’s hope peaked. He crouched down to her level, and put a warm hand on her shoulder. “Alex, I don’t know everything about what happened. I’m just starting to learn my story myself. But I know my parents sent me away to save me. Something really bad happened, and now I’m the last Kryptonian.”

But there’s Kara. “No you’re not.”

He tilted his head. “What?”

She wanted to tell him all about Kara, and help him feel less alone. But she couldn’t. “You can’t be the last Kryptonian. There’s someone else. I know it!”

She looked at him with wide eyes, hoping to convey her sincerity and give him a little comfort, but he didn’t look any happier. If anything, he looked worse. With dull eyes he said, “I hope so kid, but sometimes things just are the way they are.”

He ruffled her hair again , and headed into the lab that Alex hadn’t even noticed they’d reached a while ago.

She wanted to yell, I’m not some baby. I know because Kara is Kryptonian. She’s alive. But she didn’t, because her “imaginary friend” Kara wasn’t supposed to be real. She headed up to their room to think, and wait for Kara to eventually come back.

Kara didn’t return for two days. She didn’t start speaking again until the day after that. Alex didn’t mentioned her conversation with Kal-El once.

[fairycosmos]

hfjks i'm turning 17 in march and start my last year of high school on monday and i'm just. absolutely scared shitless. like, i'm filled w this overwhelming feeling of 'i wasn't meant to make it this far' or i thought that if i did, things would be better! but they're not! everything's worse and it's 1am on sunday and i'm having a fucking panic attack i hate the way my life is turning out i'm sorry for ranting i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry

dude, it’s okay. seriously it’s going to be okay. dont apologize, there’s nothing to be sorry for ! take a breath. i know you’re only two years younger than me but you are Young, and you literally have so much fuckin time. you’re still in school. that’s the only thing you need to worry about. it doesn’t seem that way, i know, but it’s true. of course, it’s a little scary to start your last year, and it’s totally natural to feel that way. the progression of time puts things in perspective, and sometimes it’s uncomfortable to face up to it. but it’s a discomfort you get used to. and it definitely won’t always be this intense. process the fear. dont try to push it away. allow it to wash over you. just cope in the healthiest way that you’re able to, in this moment. that’s all you need to do. you cant choose whether or not you’re anxious/depressed, but you can choose how you physically deal with those experiences, right? you’re not trapped. you have options even if yr mind is preventing you from realizing that. try talking to people you trust, or using self affirmations, or focusing on a hobby instead of fixating on this one temporary feeling of anxiety - any safe tactic is good enough. the fact is this: you’re going to adapt and evolve over the next year - when the future actually happens, you’ll be ready for it, because you’ll have grown and learned a lot by then. you’ll almost be a different person. you’re always becoming yourself, always creating the life you were meant to have simply by experiencing it. there’s always going to be a little uncertainty, but that’s to be expected. that’s how the world works out the way it does. think about how you felt when you first started high school, right? it was weird and it fucked with your perception of reality, but you managed to build a life around it and you managed to find moments of happiness nestled within the panic of growing up. well, isn’t life just kind of like that. i cant be sure, but i genuinely believe that you’re going to be alright. you don’t hate the way your life is turning out, because your life is a constant, it’s not ‘ending up’ any sort of way. it’s just occurring, in natural highs and lows. where you’re at right now isn’t where you’ll always be. you will find your stride, your comfort zone. it’s a matter of time and letting things figure themselves out. everyone else is in the same boat, everyone you know has felt the same way at some point. and there IS support available. you can always try speaking to a counselor or your doctor, or your parents about the panic attacks if you haven’t done so already. it’s an option and it always will be. you’re not alone, so dont go about it like you are. it’s a really stressful idea, and i’m not saying you have to WANT to do it, i’m just saying - maybe consider what would be objectively best for your mental health. they’ll understand more than you think they will. i promise. and they can show you how to stop viewing the future as a looming ball of stress, so you can start seeing it as an ever changing intangibility that doesn’t even exist yet. there are ways to let the anxiety out. there’s no shame in reaching out. i dont know if this is making sense, and there’s a lot i could say but i cant focus well - just feel free to message me if you ever need someone, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’ll be here, and i get it. for now, try to be a little kind to yourself and get some rest when you can. i believe in you with all my heart. take it one day at a time for now. the present is the only thing that’s controllable. 

sync your breathing to this gif if you cant calm down:

[cryingxaddict-blog]

The First Post is Always the Hardest...

so tbh, I don't even know why I am here. I just have this need to let my thoughts out on a forum for the world to see. is it for the attention that I'm severely lacking or do I just love public humiliation? keep reading to find out!

I guess I can start with sort of an introduction. I'm in my early 30s, smoke way too much pot, dont drink nearly enough as I should and over thinks absofuckinglutely everything. I have an average 9-5 (8:30-5 really) job that is slowly sucking the life out of me but it helps to finance my equally average lifestyle.

In my opinion, I was kind of an awkward loser in high school. I was too punk rock for school but also too smart and respected my parents too much to be a complete teenage delinquent. I wrote for the school paper, participated in theater, took extra courses just cuz and graduated with a 3.8 GPA. I also organized walkouts, burned flags, cut my own hair (yikes), only wore band merch, clothes from the thrift stores, fishnets and chucks, my jean jacket with all my buttons and patches was my prized possession and the feeling I got after fucking shit up in the pit was as satisfying as that first drag of the day. My punk rock phase seamlessly merged into my pop-punk/emo phase where red eyeshadow was life and if I could just touch Gerard Way, I could die happily.

I never dated in high school, I crushed alot though. thanks to that desperation, I jumped on the first guy that ever gave me any attention. Mistake. it was such a waste of a first love. he lived far, we never saw each other and honestly, just used each other to rid ourselves of the burdens virginity. so that ended quickly. I was crushed and overly dramatic about it all. from then on, it was just a string of losers who were just waiting for a girl like me to come along. I enjoyed a long FWB, which of course crashed and ended cuz I fell in love. after all that, i shut down for a bit and in 2010 was introduced to the longest waste of my life.

my collective dating history reads like a Who's Who of Human Crap (be ready for all the FRIENDS references)...

let's just refer to this guy as WB.

WB and I were together for 7 years. SEVEN!!

in that time, my life changed drastically. my mom passed away from cancer in 2012. my whole life fell apart. somehow I become responsible for upkeep of a household and my dad just deteriorated. He later passed in 2017. in 2013,my beloved grandma passed away as well. I lost so many people I loved in more ways than just death. my family fell apart and the only person I felt I could turn to was WB.

he was 5 yrs older than me, unemployed, still lived at home, no car, multiple DUI'S and just a touch of idiot. I think back and tbh, I dont even think i was ever even attracted to him, let alone in REAL love. I just needed someone. unfortunately, that someone was an alcoholic with severe daddy issues and a coke problem. he never put my emotional needs before anyone/thing else and just dragged me along taking advantage of my autopilot status. I was too broken to fight back, to even speak up for what I deserved.

every time I tried to pull away, he used my broken heart to keep me around. he is the most toxic person I have ever been involved with. threats of suicide after each break up, grand gestures of pouring full 20 oz. $14 local craft beers down the sink with promises of sobriety and tearful apologies all were bullshit. during our seven year stretch, I had bounced from my own home, to his home, to my best friends couch, back into his house and then finally, on my own. I moved out by myself, without his financial help. in less than 2 yrs, I officially ended it. I woke up one morning, looked at him and just was over it. he knew it. I knew it. it was done.

instead of taking time to myself and healing after such trauma, I decided to IMMEDIATELY jump into another relationship! another fking mistake. I not only let this man into my severely damaged heart, but also my home. he took full advantage of reduced rent and daily sex. lied to me at every chance he had, manipulated my feelings into believing that he actually cared. he was just really good at going with the flow as long as the flow was going. just like everything else, this all ended pathetically. he used me until he didnt need me anymore and bounced. I was left alone.

I did my best to recover gracefully, but unfortunately let myself slip into another string of pointless hookups and Tinder dates. I ended up in a random 3 month trail period type relationship with a "nice guy" that ended abruptly due to his intense clingyness (I thought I was bad) and the realization that I'm pretty fking gay.

which kind of brings us up to speed here. about 6 months ago I got drunk at a gay bar for a coworker's birthday. next thing you know, we're making out in the club and dryhumping in her Mustang. that was complicated in it's own right and ran its course as they all do. the only difference with this one is that now I'm left with the big question of WHO TF AM I? like who am I?

am I gay, straight, bi? idk...

what I can say is that I am on the path of self discovery that has been ignored for far too long. I am chopping through the overgrown brush and branches that I have let overcome me while I was letting myself be distracted by each person that comes into my life. I have a tendency of losing myself completely. I cut friends out. I cut out my own personal health (what is gym?) I just give all of myself to them. And they never deserve it. Never. I am just tired of it. my heart is tired of it.

I'm over creating fantasies in my head with people who dont even want me or for longing for something that i cant seem to achieve. what I can do is just take care of myself. focus on myself. actually LOVE myself. what else is there really? at the end of it all...all those people who have come into my life are gone in one way or another. but here I am. still here. waiting for me to desperately love myself the way I have mindlessly loved others.

I guess we'll just have to wait and find out...

[rennyji]

about party schools and proof and effect of their reputation...

May 27th tweets...

The reputed party school wants to spend 11 years wondering why “I don’t go out” in the sense of bars/partying. For their personalities or the kids they’re used to, from the low grade requirements for their school(nothing against anyone for getting admission there), -

-I suppose it’s to be expected. With my grades at Iona Prep High School, I had scholarships with free laptops at some decent private schools. But I chose to go to the Harvard of the SUNY’s: Binghamton University. -

-I transferred out, because I wanted a fresh start with a new major, late in my academic career, after an attempt at electricalEngineering. The only place that’d take me is a reputed party school. Theyre probably like F* you in reading this, but being the truth, it’s undeniable.-

-And at that point in my academic career, I thought, what's in a name to a school or its reputation. But look what happens when you go to some places. Leaving Binghamton was the worst decision for so many normal/abnormal reasons. -

- i mean, for one thing, your grades reflect on the kind of person you are. it can say your hard working, or equally smart but just want to take it easy and do things like party and alcohol and drugs all day. but different story, moving on...-

-I used to spend a lot of time in computer science lounge and in the faculty department common room, at said party school. Despite me being there almost everyday, and at the Starbucks in Colonie, NY for networking, where this location is at the center of multiple Universities,-

-the professors who had a role in this, sided with random kids they don’t see in that area often. I guess it’s because they partied and I studied. “Sided “in that they listened to random kids who don’t know me, rather than talk to the guy in their vicinity on a daily basis. -

-Such is the reputed party school. While in the common area, I heard one of their professors say, they take as many kids from a local community college: Hudson Valley, to boost their graduation rates. -

-I guess they don’t get the kids they need for that in normal admissions at a reputed party school. As I hear them talking sometimes, while making me look crazy for it, you should have heard their astonishment at the Binghamton common computer area in comparison to what they-

-have at their reputed party school. It says a lot about reputations. The orchestrators try to make it seem like, the way I am in a ridiculous situation(probably filmed or the equivalent all day), while living with my parents, is how I am. -

- They’ve been doing this for 11 years, after robbing me of my opportunities for 11 years. I had a life before this, and I intend to continue to, after, with my own network, family, etc, away from these orchestrators and their craziness.-

- &another thing, regarding the party school, think im just saying things? check the books. and are their graduates or students going to get mad at me, despite the school's clear role and for calling the students equally smart, a number of tweets ago? well, oops, OK..moving on.-

moving onto addressing something else...-

-The orchestrators are always misusing people under the pretense that I’m a picked on kid. I’m a successful, grown man. -

-Not because I’m conceited,  but from life experience, I wrote 11 yrs ago: “I’m not the last person people harass, but I’m also far from the first.” When it happens, with my image (while chubby, and not handsome now), I know somethings up. -

-Try me, and be direct about it, rather than do something ridiculous from afar. I don’t waste time on idiots. -

-The orchestrators perpetuate and take part, and make official and global, a small rumor of a girl I don’t know or knows me (or her misguided teenage friends who also don’t know me nor do I know them-big theme in this, with all involved) from 11 years ago.-

-The only thing that ever harmed me, abused me, or robbed me of health and opportunities, is the orchestrators. -

-Teenage kids have no power. Whatever effect they have dies down. It takes something big or reputable (like adults of a particular standing) to give their ideology power. -

-These adults...I don’t know them, they don’t know me...I don’t understand their 11 year project/vendetta/-whatever this massive lie is, against me. Maybe it started with just wanting to make money off of me and my life and my lifestyle. -

-In trying to address this 11 year problem, my true focus: my career, gets hidden, and you end up thinking I’m taking part, or after the cr*p-ola of the orchestrators. I’m big on what’s natural. -

-Anywho, I wrote this 1st in the “Notes app” on my iPhone yesterday, to publish on Twitter & tumbler today, in case I forgot. - in case todays posting was seen earlier...think it happens to emails sent to myself and other things...-

-Focus on what’s 4 each day on Twitter &tumbler, despite what cannot be helped i.e. the random relaying of everything @ any time, since no 1 helps me stop it by talking 2 me. Imagine what would happen if you told me-the power to save myself...what a great thing you'd be doing...

about that party school? before things escalated, as soon as I noticed the potential for a problem behind a situation occurring without telling me, I went to their Conflict Resolution office at their school and told them about my concerns and what I noticed-

- the next day, the guy that spoke to me, walks in a different direction, from a small distance, forces a head turn, and gives me a retarded smile. -

-Despite my "reporting things" like one does to the police in the face of a problem, that school went crazy against me on the day of my 2012 finals. can you imagine a school allowed to go nuts on the day of a student's final exams? -

-once again, goes back to the talk about reputations from several tweets ago - this morning. Ur reputation is who you are and reflects in your actions...and here we're dealing with a reputed party school...while they slander my reputation by putting me in retarded predicaments.-

- so many bad experiences with students and faculty at that school...in the first dorm suite i lived in, 5 guys pushed me into my room for pushing them back alone, by myself, for telling them to pitch in cleaning-

-&one of them - a stupid fraternity idiot - rushed to tell on me, saying i punched him. in a part time job, i told  the guy i was working w/to teach me the trade or get the phone in my cubicle working in an area with no cell reception. he just responds nastily and it culminates-

- on another occassion, i locked myself out of my room in a different dorm suite, b4 going to my next part time job, which was in their down town. took the highway to get there. went to the faculty and told them my problem - that i had work, can't be late, need to get in my room-

-they tell me that i have to wait 2 hours b/c that's when their services are officially available. what if it was class & i needed my backpack? when they eventually agreed 2 help me, the woman i was speaking with, probably saw me going to my dorm building, -

-& she drives around &past me w/a nasty look to spite me 4asking them, when saying she'll go to my room and unlock it. when i think i went back to their office &told them about it, she claims she went to my building &waited, but i didn't show up. i saw her drive in a circle.

- and that second part time job...to prove myself useful when things weren't busy with a computer job, i would, alone, move big shelves, i think desks, &other furniture, down a floor or two. It was a gesture on my part after hearing them talk about no one clearing their office-

-after the things i did for them, i emailed them if they knew anything about this, &never a response. -

this is the party school now wondering about why i'm not out, socializing, getting laid all day/everyday, hitting the bars, or whatever. To the orchestrators: leave my life alone. They're so much proof to all this...i guess amidst everything else, maybe they can see memories...-

- i mean would it kill these people to go the conventional route and use a lie detector with all involved? It's so easy to clear this up. Based on what I truly want for my life, all of this is a mess.

- based on tech they use, in claiming 2 help me(when i need no help aside from telling me whats happening), they try to justify lies 2slander me or try to get me 2write all day. They perpetuate nonsense 2get me 2write, 2 I guess, see if they can predict it-to put it another way.

and going back to conflict resolution at the party school? there was one thing i forgot to mention. not only did he allow this to transpire without telling me. -

-on the day of my exams, when the sounds projected 2 me, made threats 2 a relative of mine, there, by saying "maybe we should help him too", I called Conflict Resolution @ party school several times. They wouldn't pick up. I think I left messages, but no call back. -

- in the face of harassment, threats, evolving to what it is today, under a false impression by people of power, such is the party school.

- U gotta wonder amidst yrs of this mental strain, especially at party school, where was cr*p flowery Amerian psychology/counseling system, what was the school's Conflict Resolution doing. -

-at that party school, failures all around..at the time I was there, academic departments were closing like i think their French department. but whatever. orchestrators are people in power, parading as those of quality, when they're not. 11 years of torture attest to that.

and one normal tweet for when we can move past this...-

love the @onepeloton (peloton). love #leannehainsby (cycling trainer) for her appearance, personality, and training.

[purpleshellsforyou]

Baba

Daddy Jefferson

Part 4 of 7

Original writer (@yrs-forevr) version here!

TW: None

Time: Hamiltime

Word Count: 1593

Chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4- you're here!| 5 | 6 | E

Thomas Jefferson x Reader

“He’s old enough to go! And don’t you want to see what I do for work?”

“He’s not even a year old yet! He isn’t going to understand anything!

“He’s going to grow up in politics either way, why not make it early?” Jefferson replied in a playfully snarky tone.

“I don’t want him to disrupt the meeting. The rare times that Asher is typically asleep line up with the meeting, and I don’t want him to wake up in a fit and ruin your meeting.”

“I haven’t met everyone that’s going to be there, but I know that most of the men there have children anyway. They know what having a baby is like. Besides, Washington loves kids and I don’t want to leave you here alone while I’m in New York.”

“Won’t the meeting be closed to cabinet members anyway?”

“I’ll make sure that you get clearance. I think I may have an ‘outside expert’ sit in on this financial plan.”

Upon seeing the disbelief on her face, he added “Relax. It will be fine for you and Asher.”

“Thomas Jefferson, always hesitant with the President

Reticent—there isn’t a plan he doesn’t jettison

Madison, you’re mad as a hatter, son, take your medicine

Damn, you’re in worse shape than the national debt is in”

Things were not going fine. Bringing a 7-month-old to a cabinet meeting was not a good idea. Asher had been sound asleep, despite the noise, in his mother’s arms. That was until the name “Thomas Jefferson” left Hamilton’s mouth.

“Turn around, bend over, I��ll show you

Where my shoe fits!”

The last outburst was all it took for him to start wailing. Trying her damndest not to interrupt anything more than she already had, Y/N tried to quickly leave the room with Asher so that she could try to calm him down and figure out what he needed. Hamilton, being a father himself, fortunately wasn’t too phased by the crying baby. He gave Y/N a glance before turning to Washington in time to hear the president ordering him to ‘take a walk’.

Jefferson’s concentration, on the other hand, was completely broken. His political facade of confidence fell in an instant, the mask coming off and his attention immediately turned to Asher and Y/N.  

He quickly brushed off Washington’s words, hurrying out into the hall after Y/N. Hamilton’s voice chased after Jefferson, a taunting:

“You wouldn’t know a good debt plan if it flew in front of your face. I saw you walk in the room. I doubt you could see the freedom that I fought to gain from the bed you made with a married woman.”

James had followed Thomas across the room, and he tried to hide his smile as Alexander approached an energized Jefferson, the two of them taunting back a jarring

“Don’t you dare drag my personal life into this again, or you’re gonna regret it. I have never touched that woman. She’s a better parent than I’m sure you ever have been.

“Besides, you don’t have the votes to pass your plan. Congressional approval is such a wonderful hurdle that you’re too short to jump. Keep on yelling obscenities and see where that gets you.”

Before James could back up his statement, Thomas was walking out of the room. His coat flying fiercely behind him, he rushed to find the mother and baby to try and help. They weren’t difficult to find, all it took was for him to follow the sound of crying. Asher had quieted down significantly, no doubt a result of his mother lightly bouncing him and talking to him softly.

“How’s he doing?”

“He’s okay. Still fussy, but better. I’m so sorry that he woke up in the meeting. Is the president upset? I should go and apologize. I told you that bringing Asher and I was a bad idea.”

“Washington? He’s upset, but it’s not at you. The whole situation wasn’t what he was hoping for.”

“I’ll go get my things so we can leave. May you please take Asher? I don’t want him to get even more upset from going back in the meeting room.”

“Absolutely. Don’t worry about it, I’m sure I can get him to quiet down.”

Y/N rolled her eyes in a way that indicated she believed otherwise. Asher was sniffling and pulling on his blanket as she handed him carefully to Thomas before quickly going to gather her personal items and Asher’s things she has with her. James soon found his friend in the hall, still baffled at the sudden exit he had taken. When he saw him cradling a baby in his arms, his confusion only grew.

“Thomas, why did you practically run away? We can’t let Hamilton win. Not that he could, but he can't leave thinking that he has. What are you doing with a baby? Oh, no. Is this from another one of your French ‘flings’?”

Jefferson shot him a look, completely disregarding his other questions.

“This is Asher. He’s not mine.”

“What? Whose child are you holding? Bring them back to their family! What the hell did you do in France?”

Thomas couldn't help but laugh at his friend’s worries. Despite James’s less than stellar health, the man could run his mouth if he wanted to. Jefferson hadn’t even thought about indiscretions in months... All of his focus had been on getting the minimal amount of work done so that he could spend time with Y/N and Ash. Before he could explain all that had happened, the boy in question broke his train of thought. His little lungs had stopped heaving and let out a surprisingly happy “Da!”

It felt like everything stopped. James, who hadn’t even heard the whole story, was the one to pull Jefferson a bit closer back to the reality of the situation.

“Thomas, if he’s not yours, then he definitely shouldn’t be calling you that.”

“I didn’t teach him that... There isn’t anyone else that could have besides Y/N.”

“Christ, Thomas, how many people did I miss you meeting?”

“She’s his mother.”

“Then why would she-”

“She’s Y/N Abraham. Hunter’s wife.”

Madison’s face set in recognition, then into horror and pain. He let out a breathy ‘oh’, looking now more sadly at the infant in his friend’s arms. He was visibly healthy, and judging by the scene he had made in the meeting room, he had a strong set of lungs.

Washington rounded the corner, presumably returning from talking to Alexander considering that he was rubbing his temples and walking harshly. He always looked tired and a bit frustrated after speaking with his so-called ‘right-hand man’. His eyes lightened when he saw a baby cradled in the Secretary of State’s grasp.

“Who’s this little soldier? Would he happen to be the one that called out Alexander today?”

James chuckled warmly, seeming to be the only one that fully appreciated the general’s sense of humor.

“He catches on quickly to the difference between right and wrong.” Thomas replied smoothly.

“May I hold him?” Washington asked without a second thought, looking at Asher rather than Jefferson.

He was hesitant. It wasn’t his child, but Y/N surely wouldn’t mind and his protective feeling over the boy was too strong for Jefferson to feel comfortable with. Before he could speak, Y/N had rounded the corner once again, baby bag in hand, and replied for him.

“Of course you may, President Washington. I am so sorry for his outburst earlier.”

He smiled at the young lady greeting him, putting two and two together and figuring out she must be the mother.

“Not a problem at all, ma’am. The meeting was finishing up anyway and everyone understands that this little guy has a mind of his own. There is no fault, but thank you for your apology regardless.” He turned his attention to Thomas. “I hope that this is your grounds for not coming up to New York sooner, Mr. Jefferson. I can’t imagine that there would be any better reason. I’m sorry that I haven't sent anything, I was unaware that you had a child or a wife.”

Y/N cut in without hesitation to answer for Thomas. “Oh! No, that isn’t the case. I’m afraid that we are guilty of holding him in Monticello, but we are not married. Asher is my son. Mr. Jefferson is merely a friend that is helping my son and I after my husband passed away at the end of the war.”

“I’m sorry for your loss, miss. I don’t know what I'd do without my Martha.”

Thomas pretended that he didn’t feel a sharp sting in his heart at the word ‘friend’. He tried to regulate his heartbeat to little avail, ignoring the little voice in his head that said “Stop. You shouldn’t be feeling that. She’s your guest and good friend. Leave it at that before you make her uncomfortable.”

Asher seemed to be enjoying the president’s arms quite a bit. He was beaming up at the general with green eyes and a gurgling smile. The older man smiled back. He liked most children but Asher especially grabbed at his heartstrings. He understood that it was difficult to raise a child alone, but it seemed that Thomas had that covered. He bumped Ash around a bit, happy with himself once he got a small excited squeal from him. He was even more surprised when the infant joyfully exclaimed:

“Baba!”

Y/N looked on in happy shock while Jefferson kept the fact that it was not, in fact, Asher’s first word to himself.

[godfirstgodalways]

How do you found god? I come from a really religious family and I still struggle after 17 years. Don't know why..

I’m really late for replying, so I’m very sorry. :/ I found God through accepting that He is everywhere even in the midst of trials. It’s during each time I felt like giving up on life. The better I became at recognizing those times as growth opportunities, the better I got at acknowledging His presence. The first few and many times (I say few but many because it was a string of many but few compared to all growth opportunities), I recognized God was there watching me, but I did nothing about it. Now I am better at recognizing His presence and I actually do something about it….not every single time because I am not perfect but I definitely reciprocate more often nowadays compared to before. I hope I made sense. I feel like I am able to explain this about my growth because I’ve grown to understand myself more. I try not to spend so much time learning about myself, getting to know myself better, or just getting too deep into all about myself because there are definitely dangers in that obsession. Focusing so much on yourself actually leads to anxiety….at first it shows itself as the right thing to do, but then it’s followed by pride and pride reveals itself to others as self-righteousness, and then you end up sooner or later with anxiety. I’ve also gotten better at sensing whenever I am tempted to go that route and instead I try and use that time and energy to focus on Jesus. Whenever you focus on Jesus, prayer becomes as natural as breathing. That’s why the Bible encourages praising and worshipping Him through good times and bad. When you focus on Him, He automatically reciprocates and checks on you. You’ll know this through conviction/discernment. I mean the Holy Spirit is always watching you no matter what whether you care or not, but it’s your focus on Him that takes you back to your relationship, and it’s there He reveals things you must know about you. Your relationship with Jesus gives you the direct relationship to God, and God knows you best more than anyone else including you. Be humble knowing that you don’t know everything there is to know about you. He knows the intricacies of your heart and how subjective you are to change. You don’t own you, you were bought at a price, that price was Grace and it should be given back to Him through continual surrender. You can’t put a price on Grace, it’s free to you but that price was great. You’re giving Grace back whenever you approach God because that Grace is Jesus in your heart…..that’s if you have accepted Christ as your Savior. That’s how you can even begin to see through God’s eyes, but again stay humble because the more you know, the more you actually don’t know….like David T. Freeman said “The more you know, the more you realize how much you don’t know — the less you know, the more you think you know.” That’s why every Christian is a hypocrite, you will never meet one who is perfect. We are that way for a reason and that reason is because God is perfect. There it is again….humility, surrender…focus on the Lord through whatever circumstance you are in and you will survive, you will be okay, He will deliver you, you’ll come out of it stronger. We can only strive to be perfect through progress and the Bible is the perfect tool for life. Religion is summed up by strict practices set by rules, it strips away the purpose of a relationship with the Lord. You want to put importance on making habits that keep you one with Him rather than convincing yourself that you are on His good side by doing good deeds. Religion encourages us to look at our Heavenly Father as a god who punishes every wrong thing we say or do. It makes us look at life hopelessly and not want to live it or live it vicariously through our own understanding of what’s best. Focus on the relationship, not the religion. You will find God everywhere when you allow yourself to be found by Him where you are right now. Finding God was a journey and it still is, you don’t just find Him one day and expect to be happy for the rest of your life. Christianity is hard and easy at the same time. It seems easy at first especially when a person becomes saved and it becomes hard because of the trials. Overall, it becomes easier the more you humble yourself and it seems hard especially when you are not in tune with God. I hope I make sense…It becomes easier the more mature you become, trials are only difficult when you approach them with a low level of maturity, problems will be problems, it’s how you handle them. I try to find Him by meeting Him halfway and early mornings are the best time to do that, although everyday and every hour is doable too. I was baptized as Catholic when I was a baby, I was baptized as a Christian when I was 12 after a summer long program my mom had me signed up for…I felt I did it for my parents, particularly for my mom. My relationship with Him then was once in a while and half hearted, convictions from God we’re subtle in my teens, but I would say I sensed stronger convictions from Him when I got baptized a third time (22 yrs old), this time as a Christian who wanted to rededicate my life to God. My family was not there to witness and I felt I did it more for myself. I want to get baptized again in the near future, but this time with my family there and this time I want to do it all for Him. You say you still struggle after 17 years. Please look at your struggle as a blessing. It is a blessing because God has placed in your heart a discomfort so you can do better. He placed a desire in there for you to want better. You want better? Then do better. Good deeds alone will not get you to Heaven, but focusing instead on the purpose of your obedience behind those good deeds will keep you one with Him. If you’re not sure you’ve accepted Christ as your Savior, you can begin to ask Him to live inside you by inviting Him into your heart. Surrender. Everyday. You get closer to Him the more you pray. You learn to pray the more you pray. I’ll keep you in my prayers tonight. God bless! :)

Ephesians 2:8-10 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Titus 3:5 He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to His own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit,

Ecclesiastes 7:20 Surely there is not a righteous man on earth who does good and never sins.

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.

Romans 11:6 But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works; otherwise grace would no longer be grace.

1 Corinthians 6:20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

John 14:6 Jesus said to him, “I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

By His Grace, Sheela (Via godfirstgodalways)

[luisneer]

selected tweets 2016-17

These are tweets from my first @luisneer twitter account. Recently I made a new twitter account with the same username, after having deleted my account and having been without twitter for several months. These tweets are from August 2016 to March 2017, which was most of my first year of college at Shepherd University, in Shepherdstown, West Virginia. I don't go to Shepherd anymore; I transferred to West Virginia University, in Morgantown, WV, after my second semester. My tweets from late March 2017 to [July or August] 2017, when I deleted my twitter, were not archived. 

I'm creating this blog post so the world will have access to some of my tweets from the deleted @luisneer, in case they have any merit as literature. I'm still not sure if I will continue to use twitter in 2018/the future. Usually when I use twitter I feel like I'm actually wanting to be doing something else, but I don't know what; or wanting to be using "another app" that doesn't exist. Twitter generally seems bad for me. Questions about my tweets August 2016-March 2017 can be directed at luisneer@gmail.com. Thank you

    2016

   morgantown has ~48 vape shops

 **morgantown has ~480 vape shops

 siri has werner herzog-like inflections

 considering changing outfits when i take several walks in one day (so nobody thinks im a serial killer, stalker, spy, alien)

 think i remember ~5% of things i said today

 imagined vague connection btwn 'vitamin d' and 'reptar'

 felt distinctly that i was a monkey or chimpanzee while crouching in the corner of my dorm room eating peanuts out of a jar

 just thought (as a request to my mom) 'fax me my skateboard...'

 looked at toilet in bathroom stall with expression of 'utter terror' for what felt like ~15 seconds while it flushed

 listening to bright eyes with headphones at house show

 feel that the toothpaste i use is advancing decay of my teeth

 feel 100% certain that i could train myself to use telepathy to operate my phone during classes

 enjoying the sensation of my right leg 'falling asleep' during psychology class (left foot is also 'asleep')

 felt 'sociopathic' after eye contact w library worker who watched me pick up & pocket a pair of apple headphones someone had left on a chair

 left stolen apple headphones on gray bench across the street from my dorm

 repeatedly placed/removed sunglasses while walking in hallway

 strong desire to remove all positive patterns from my life and perpetuate/embrace all negative ones

 feel that my laptop 'knows' which parts of its screen im looking at

 in winchester, VA

 thought of my own music as having 'no compelling audible elements'

 thought of myself as being legally named 'the fuck up', then couldnt remember my actual name

 successfully, i feel, duplicated 'sociopath facial expression' during eye contact with arch-nemesis in stairwell

 ive taken 13800mg ibuprofen since i got to college

 feel compelled to ask my 9 yr old brother for advice re 'college-level' personal issues

 feel smart after sitting on couch in painting studio + reading art magazines for 2 hours

 persistent notion that 100% of students at my college personally hate me

 psychology professor muttered something like 'scary snake... endocrine system...'

 feeling heavily drugged/sedated in psych class

 psych professor seems obsessed with/terrified by snakes

 imagined kanye smoking crystal meth and tweeting something like 'please help me... cant feel mouth... need help'

 saw a moth at open mic, thought about god

 experiencing difficulty trying to smile

 enjoying using numerous cliches ('the case is closed', 'taking a step back', 'harsh realities') in an essay

 intrigued by conversation i had 9 hrs ago w/ 2 boys who countered my tone (calm, eloquent) exactly by being loud and rude in a friendly way

 felt simultaneously really cute and really lonely while giggling with my mouth closed in french class

 imagined kanye inventing the word 'compactualize' and using it in a sentence during a televised interview

 enjoyed 8-sentence john updike bio in norton lit anthology

 perceived person standing outside bathroom stall occupied by me could 'sense', via something like echolocation, that i was/am depressed

 spoke to french professor in what felt like a distinct persona/alternate luis neer called 'marge simpson voice' luis neer

 feel confidently that the public debut of 'marge simpson voice' luis neer was a success

 feel that 'marge simpson voice' luis neer is the culmination of an unconscious process that initiated in my mind maybe 3-5 years ago

 i want to identify/analyze additional alternate luis neers

 i dont like videos

 i came to college and got weirder, better at writing, more arrogant, more defeated, more sensible

 simultaneously feel that i should run 3 miles and that, at this moment, i would be incapable of running any distance

 feel urged to draw new attention to my 'marge simpson voice' tweets

 huge power outage at shepherd lol

 realized theres no such thing as a 'nation'

 remembered ive blown off obligations to several people, not just one person, so my irresponsibility doesnt 'have a focus', felt comforted

 feel that my follower count is 'crystallized' / will never increase or decrease ever again

 struggled to convert 'stick-and-poke' to past tense during conversation in line at sheetz

 feel it would be pleasurable to take a donut + bottle of coca-cola from this sheetz via armed robbery

 crossed busy road, felt really surprised i didnt get hit by a car, also i wasnt wearing glasses, was walking to sheetz, bought an icee

 laughed alone in my dorm thinking that i should print out a picture of barack obama to put on my wall

 drank from separate glasses containing soymilk, coffee, iced coffee, apple juice, cranberry juice, water, sprite for dinner/breakfas

 just thought 'from adorno to zizek' sans context while shitting

 opened gmail, emailed my father, closed gmail, opened gmail again, viewed email to my father, forwarded it to myself

 'camcorder' would be a good band name

 i thought arnold palmer had already died

 willem dafoe doesnt make me uncomfortable

 i want to stop being mean

 i hate bfs but i want to be someones bf

 wishing i was in a car with friends and no cellular service

 tangled up in myself and others

 twin peaks is depicted as a small town but its population is greater than that of every city in west virginia including the state capital

 eating shark

 thought of my own intelligence as 'frightening'

 thought while walking to class that ginger ale should be made public domain

 had the stitches on my chin removed today, touched the scar tissue for the first time

 i miss being in therapy

 i love carpet

 i love carpet !!

 just thought about my own tweets and lol'd

 mood lately very fragile

 this is what i get for staying up til 5 am

 all night i've felt a wave of dread swelling up, now it's really hitting me

 sound of laughter in public still frightening + unnerving

 my instinct for when to unfriend people on facebook has adapted so that i unfriend people over statuses that make me feel no emotions at all

 fuck, im feeling so much terror

 gucci mane was born 3 days before conor oberst

 the other day i mentioned that i was a poet and this vape guy interrupted me to say "and you didnt know it" and i went fucking nuclear

 interacted with mailman who was picking up mail as i was trying to mail chapbooks, he didnt notice at first that i was talking to him

 what if old people have secrets

 my dad is making me root for a football team but im in pain emotionally

 i feel guilty in general

 thought of my poem "portrait of a nation without any people" as the "lead single" for my full length; it appeared in potluck 14 months ago

 im close friends with satan rn

 feel like travis scott never intended for people to spell his name with a $

 from now on every time i get honey on something ill list the thing in this thread

 finger

 desk

 coffee cup exterior

 pajama pants

 knee

 carpet

 chin

 phone

 shirt

 shoe

 thought that my elderly geography prof. moves by "shuffling"

 feeling shorter, broader

 the only part of the new bright eyes box set i want is the booklet

 is there a booklet? i know there are nvr b4 sn photos

 the song "lime tree" came to conor oberst in a dream

 i like citing things in MLA

 i write essays by pretending im werner herzog

 doesnt seem to be getting later

 lit professor gave my project (sequence of 6 sonnets) a C, i wish she would have gotten me expelled, shelley + ginsberg both were expelled

 heard someone in another room ask "where's wal-mart?" as if wal-mart were a person whose location could change

 i think i just swallowed a filling while eating popcorn, i am very scared, please help

 crazy how things get worse

 there are people on my floor having tons of fun and im upset

 bit my mattress while sitting in the chair next to my bed

 weird that chance the rapper only has 2.4 million followers when he's sort of one of the most famous artists in the world rn

 also weird that donald trump has made 34,000 tweets, seems like an incredibly large number

 the strangeness of yesterday was, for me, augmented by people on the internet talking about a tv show that ive never seen or heard about

 the sunlight is obscene

 im so upset about the sun being so bright im afraid to go outside

 im glad im the only poet who likes trailer park boys

 i slept in a blanket fort under my bed and havent left it all day

 yr = your ur = you're

 my favorite things are pdfs

 now that ive adapted my living space to allow me to never leave my blanket fort i feel like my roommate, omar, exists in a parallel universe

 i hear him but i never see him

 i love latte art, i drink many lattes

 thought that twitter "isn't worth it" in an upset tone while drinking mtn dew

 felt pleasant considering uniqueness of all parent-offspring relationships

 went through my closet + made sure all shirts and jackets were zipped/buttoned

 my blanket is generating flashes of light from static electricity

 record store guy became visibly sick of me several months ago; feel a little guilty every time i enter his store to spend money

 i prefer EPs

 felt "out of control" walking downhill listening to dead kennedys with headphones

 writing an essay is difficult because idk how much relevant information other people have already considered / moved on from

 have been wanting to write at least one poem inside my blanket fort but i don't think it's going to happen, i don't know why

 the internet isn't big enough

 usually when i think "i dont understand the uproar about [event]" i realize there is no "uproar"

 "uproar" is media's way of manipulating the public spotlight and distracting people from important tasks

 feeling helpless + melancholy after dying 15 times and killing 2 stormtroopers in star wars battlefront

 the only way to attain conor oberst-level emo hair is to lay in bed and sob for hours

 i'm sad

 my mom was confused when i told her my first book comes out today

 was luis neer in odd future

 thought "sometimes i just want to end it and start all over" in an exasperated tone re my goodreads account

 becoming increasingly convinced it would be best for me personally to take myself extremely seriously/never joke about myself

 thinking that my tweets would seem terrible if i were a senator/governor/other politician

 imagined doomsday device for future @starwars movies: the "death train," a normal train that exists in space and destroys planets

 how does anyone do it

 in science fiction movies, spacecraft usually look like shopping malls

 everyone in the world is high except me

 feel like i want to have poems published immediately

 having delusions of grandeur

 im sitting on my record player

 my most-used word in 2016 was "bleak"

 prepared and ate garbanzo beans w a lot of rosemart at 2:00 AM

 my brother has a friend over and is being mean to the friend

 all i want for christmas is to never cheer up, ever

 watching eyes wide shut and hugging duckuc

 my nose feels like it's going to bleed

 im sad because every bf looks like me

 getting better at eating ice cream by punching it with my tongue

 the internet is too freaky...

 i think 2017 will be a year of realizing things

 im watching the angry birds movie

 the angry birds movie is so shitty... why was it made...

 ive never had a new years kiss

   2017

   im weird

 eating medicinal ice cream

 im not going to do any drugs in 2017

 made a medicinal phone call

 i want to drink some blood

 i dreamed that roger ebert wrote a negative review of life after ppl and called it "liner notes"

 years dont kill people

 feel inexplicably/explicably really scared about the future of my poetry career

 i've felt stoned since i was a baby

 downloading google earth

 made eye contact in starbucks with possible luis neer incarnation from ~50 years in future; bon jovi "dead or alive" played through speakers

 realised that at some point in the future i will become extremely interested in watching football

 i recommend reading poems extremely slowly while touching the text with your middle finger/index finger

 experiencing cognitive dissonance

 used phonetic clues to correctly predict meaning of & use the word "tandem" while discoursing with myself internally

 i miss steel pedal guitar sounds on conor oberst songs

 my previous incarnation "college luis neer" has evolved to become "high school luis neer-like luis neer in college setting"

 thought "man, i got to stop caring what people think about me" in an emphatic tone that seemed confusing/interesting

 mediocore

 beyonce is cool i think

 i want to re-read "v for vendetta" and to not tweet about it

 remembered that i own a pinata

 i will be at awp

 how could i make twitter a better place

 i saw 4 people wearing yeezys in dc this weekend

 feeling increasingly self-conscious about how much i use the phrase "in the world" or refer to "the world" in poems

 felt robot-like while attaching detachable headphones cord to my headphones while wearing the headphones

 watching shepherd univ lacrosse team practice from "safety of" student center

 i invented releasing two chapbooks in one day

 im dumber than me

 reasoned mentally that im more likely to produce accurate drawings of myself because "i basically look like a bird, so i just draw a bird"

 i want to have a "fake tweet" (e.g. a simple phrase) to tweet repeatedly every time i feel urged to tweet an uninformed/unimportant opinion

 my fake tweet for the foreseeable future will be "i dropped my textbook in the stairwell". when i tweet this it means i have an opinion

 i dropped my textbook in the stairwell

 does anyone remember the chapter of "the hobbit" where bilbo avoids starvation by ingesting peanut butter, honey, cherry nyquil, and water

 sensed that all my college friends just simultaneously shifted from having vague/non-serious negative feelings about me to hating me

 resulting from continuous building of irrepressible/inevitable conjecture in the friends' conscious thoughts

 eating chicken and squash

 i click on 100% of poetry links tweeted by poets i follow

 when i was writing Waves i was obsessed with waves (e.g. energy waves, frequencies) and used the word "waves" at least ~10 times every day

 i dropped my textbook in the stairwell

 white nike swooshes on shoes of boy in library look vibrant/magical

 terrified of being cool

 walked to library really slowly while listening to noise music through big headphones

 i was really, really yung when i started publishing and i'm still really yung

 2 chainz always looks like he's walking in an airport

 i have 5 twitters

 i didnt know what bill paxton looked like, i was thinking RIP gene hackman

 why doesnt anyone blog about me

 thesis statements arent real

 thinking about my book

 i deleted both my tumblrs by accident

 sad about my tumblr

 my name is all over the internet

 im a lizard

 someday there'll be no more ppl

 a lot of conor oberst song titles have parentheses

 feeling sad about the actions of my clone, who passed away

 idk how to use venmo or what it is

 present-day tumblr is like the end of the never ending story where atreyu is talking with the rock biter and the nothing is swirling around

 when someone, anyone, is upset with me im afraid im going to be assassinated

 the views-era apple music ads that depict drake working hard in the studio have really affected and inspired me

 on tumblr i have 4 followers

 almost all of my tweets seem unimportant

 feel that if someone told me that one of my tweets made them upset i would just apologize and delete it

 ground control to commander venus

 i like my new tumblr

 i would be wearing a cardigan rn but i dont have one

 feel that i will continue to generate bright eyes-related content throughout my life

 is everything ok

 i look like michael moore

[thepsychicclam]

Could you talk a little about what being a professor/getting your PhD has been like? Do you have to constantly do research and publish, is it hard to find jobs, do they pay enough to relieve the doctoral debt? I know you’ve moved at least once and I wasn’t sure if it was to follow a job, or if it was for personal reasons and then, was finding a new job hard? Did you start teaching while getting your PhD? I’m just fascinated by it and you seem like the best to ask!

Yes! I can share my experience. Everyone’s experience is different, and mine is unique for a few reasons I’ll discuss below. It may also vary from field to field. My PhD is in literature/English, and from what I’ve gathered, your concentration can influence a lot of stuff, too. So, under the cut, I’ll try to share my experience as much as I can! This is VERY LONG, so be warned, nonny! :D

Before I decided to get a PhD, I got a MAT - a master’s in secondary education with a focus on English literature. My BA is in creative writing/english lit. I taught high school for three years, and for a lot of reasons said FUCK THIS NOISE and quit. I lived with my parents and they told me they’d help support me. I ended up with a college teaching job (you can teach adjunct in the states with a masters) and they told me to get a PhD if I wanted to do it full time some day. I love teaching, and I’m good at it. I especially love teaching literature. So, I decided to go get my PhD.

Choosing my specialization was kinda interesting bc I decided to go for medieval literature, which I hadn’t really studied up until that point. I had always done Victorian and Shakespeare/Renaissance, with a bit of dabbling into Native American and postcolonial literature. But I taught Dante’s Inferno to my seniors my last yr at HS and fell in LOVE. So, I thought, “Hey, there aren’t a lot of medievalists. Everyone gets a PhD in Shakespeare/Victorian lit, so I’ll do that. Maybe it’ll make me more marketable.” I have always loved medieval lit, so I figured lets go for it.

My original plan was to do something with romances, so late medieval stuff. I ended up with two professors in the dept, one who focused on Anglo-Saxon/Old English and one who focused on Chaucer/later medieval. I took multiple classes in both, and my second or third semester, I took intro to Old English. I fell in LOVE WITH IT. It was a linguistics course where we learned the Old English language (which is completely different than modern or even middle english) and translated. I was GOOD at it and took to it unlike anyone else in the class. It just made sense. I think probably bc I had a background in Latin and German (I was a German studies minor in undergrad until I realized I couldn’t speak German to save my life :P) and I took like 3 or 4 yrs of Latin in hs. Anyway, I was hooked and switched to Old English. I took a lot of postcolonial literature courses, like Indian lit, lit of SE Asian, and Native American lit courses, and through this I met another professor who I adored. I ended up working with her to do my minor/secondary specialization, which is literature of the indigenous peoples of America (Native American, Chicano lit, etc - mostly Native American). I ALMOST wrote my dissertation with her bc I loved her so much and I love Native American literature so much. However, as a white woman, I didn’t feel that I would make a good postcolonial/Native American scholar, so I stuck with Anglo-Saxon lit.

I used my class papers to start working on my dissertation ideas. I got obsessed with monstrosity and the narrow definition in AS lit, and connected that to ideas of reason, which I also became obsessed with, and ended up writing all my papers about some type of monstrous transformation and how it connects to the reason of the punished. Thus, my dissertation topic was born, which currently has the working title of Transformative Bodies and their Punishments as Social Control in Anglo-Saxon Literature. It’s a terrible title, but right now, at least it states the overall topic lol

My comps, which are the comprehensive exams you have to take, took me a year to read for. Most people take one semester, I took 2. I took mine in the spring and just read for two semesters. Now, to put it into perspective, the English dept standard was 40 primary texts and 20 secondary texts, so 60 texts. Mine was WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY over that. I ended up with over 16,000 pgs of texts to read. Hint: I DID NOT READ THEM ALL. And remember, half of mine were in Middle English, so they took 3 times as long to read, and half were translated OE texts. But I read a lot, read the secondary stuff, and took my comps. Comps were supposed to be 2.5 hrs. The director of graduate studies handed me my comps and said, “You’re the medieval one, right?” And I was like, “...yes...” and he looked at me and said, “You get 4 hrs.” THAT’S HOW FUCKING LONG MY ADVISOR MADE MY COMPS. I HAD TO GET EXTRA TIME. So, 4 hrs I did nothing but type. There were questions on there that were not part of my 16k words, but I answered everything. I wrote 9 fucking thousand words in 4 hrs. I was PUMPED. Then, he gave me just a PASS not PASS PLUS. I’m a straight A student, valedictorian, graduated cum laude and magna cum laude, mortar board, scholarships, etcetc. I WAS PISSED :|||| I MEAN I HAD 4 HRS AND WRITE 9K ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? It didn’t matter bc I still passed, but it was a pride thing lol

Okay, so that August I moved to Boston. My diss director was PISSED. I was ABD (all but dissertation, ie I had passed my comps), so I was going to work on my dissertation remotely. Many ppl do this. Well, he basically looked at me and said, “Yeah most ppl don’t finish who do this.” I cried for like 2 weeks. Then I got pissed and told myself I WILL FUCKING FINISH THIS IF IT KILLS ME. I regretted not doing the Native American diss with the professor I loved. My dissertation director is a dick. Hands down. I would be finished if I had a better director. I have had no support. Now, I did move to Boston, I procrastinated and took my time and had a lot of anxiety, but he didn’t help me at all. He made it worse. If you’ve followed me for awhile, you know I struggle with depression and anxiety, and at times it’s basically debilitating. So, it increased tenfold with the dissertation process. It took me a year to get my proposal submitted, finalized, and approved. 

I started working on my dissertation, which thankfully I had drafts of chapters from my class papers. As of right now, I have drafted 4 full chapters of average 40 pgs each and am revising. My director takes forever to get back from me, and my comments give me MAJOR anxiety. Part of the dissertation process is being told “yeah this needs work.” It’s like, hey, your ideas are great! You have a good point! But here are 100 ways you suck. Or that’s what it feels like. So, it became a major source of crippling anxiety for me. When I was in therapy, it was like all I talked about. I have to spend a week or two just pumping myself to check my fucking email. I have been trying to make an inface mtg with my advisor for a freaking yr. He blew me off to go to the bar with his friends at a conference we attended last yr (I only know this for a fact bc I SAW HIM AT THE BAR WITH THEM when he texted me and said he had “fallen asleep.”) So, needless to say, that has been a huge struggle and conflict. However, I don’t think that’s normal. lol I’m just cursed.

Right now, I’m trying to learn how to push myself as an academic writer and researcher to the next level. Something I need him to teach me, but still trying to meet face to face! I’ve gotten to the point in my drafts that I need to improve the arguments and research in a few places, but I’m not sure how to break through my wall. I need guidance, you know? Bc I don’t live around the campus, I’m doing this alone. I don’t have a writers group or any friends in the program. I’m pretty alone and isolated, which sucks. It’s also not the norm either, I don’t think. So, I have to push myself and keep myself going and write in a vacuum. I’m the only medievalist in the Eng dept getting a PhD, so there’s not even someone else writing their dissertation in Anglo-Saxon lit or even Middle English. The medieval dept is small.

So, that is my PhD schooling experience. Let’s talk about work and loans. I worked at a different college as an adjunct while doing my classes. I did not do a graduate research or teaching assistant job at the university, which means I paid for my schooling out of pocket/loans. I had someone tell me once, “If you’re paying for your own PhD, you shouldn’t be getting one. If you’re not being paid to get it, you’re not worth anything.” Pretty much, I feel like I was told the entire way I was doing everything wrong. I couldn’t get a GRA/GTA while teaching at the other school. I was an adjunct with a 3 class load, so I made decent, though not much. I lived at home w my folks, so I was okay with money. I was extremely lucky bc of that bc most ppl live on their own and have to work multiple jobs. When I moved to Boston, that’s when I got the 239847239 jobs. (also why I used to write a lot of fic and now I don’t write as much lol real life, man). When I moved to Boston, I taught adjunct, 3 classes. I also did freelance writing and worked at a farm, mainly bc rent was$2000/mth and I didn’t get paid during the summer. When I moved to SC, I also ended up with a 3 class adjunct job, but continued with the freelance writing. I have always been incredibly lucky with getting jobs. I think it’s bc I have a lot of teaching experience (this is my 10th yr teaching) and I have a background in English literature instead of education. I also wasn’t picky where I taught. I wasn’t teaching at Harvard, Boston College, or even something like the University of South Carolina. I taught at a small state school to start with, a community college in Boston, and now another small state school. But all experience is good experience. One thing that will make you marketable is your teaching experience. Everyone I’ve every talked to who hired me was interested in my teaching experience. 

For my career, right now I do a lot of conferences. I am doing 5 this semester, and I have done a ton of them. Graduate conferences, medieval conferences, lit conferences, pedagogy conferences, even library conferences. I give presentations/papers at each of them, bc I don’t see the point of going to a conference if you aren’t going to give a paper. I haven’t done any publishing yet. I have a few ideas for articles, but I’m terrified. It’s very hard to get published, so I haven’t tried yet :/ it is an expectation of all professors/phds to get published. At my current job, where I just got hired full time as an Visiting Assistant Professor, if I get a tenure track position, I have to have at least 1 publication within 5 years. That is a peer reviewed journal article or book. Getting published in English is SO MUCH HARDER than the sciences. I have a friend who works in Atlanta as a research assistant/lab technician/scientist (I’m not sure the title tbh) and she has like 3 publications bc she helped with these studies that they publish online that get published within like a month. My sister has a chapter in an art history essay collection, and it took 2 years to get published!! Academic publishing is the WORST. I’m hoping at least one dissertation chapter gets accepted as an article. I also did a project in my 102 class last semester that I have given multiple conference presentations and teaching workshops about, and I’m starting to work on turning it into an article. I want to be a teaching professor, not a research professor, so I’m trying to focus on the teaching aspect of my career. I just got a Brit Lit class for next semester instead of a sea of composition, so I’m trying to come up with a unique topical angle that I can use on my CV to show my teaching skills. So, part of my job is trying to find ways to increase my CV. Like, I run a panel at a regional literature conference (I kinda lucked into it bc my mentor used to run it, and now I do lol), so that looks good on my CV, too. So, it’s not constant publishing, but you are expected to do SOMETHING, conferences, publication, things like that.

Is it hard to find jobs? I’d say yes. Like I said, I have been incredibly lucky to always have a job. My dissertation director told me last yr after I got my job in SC, “Well, I guess you’re doing something right. I mean, you always seem to find a job.” (thanks asshole for that BACKHANDED COMPLIMENT) I am not picky. Experience is experience, and you’re not going to find your dream job immediately. That sense of entitlement limits you and keeps you from finding a job to start. Right now, I teach 5 fucking composition 101 classes. I was bitching to my sister today about how I was teaching fucking TOPIC SENTENCES and my students don’t get it!!! It sucks!! But, it pays a full time salary, and it gives me experience. Do I want to teach how to write a FUCKING TOPIC SENTENCE?? NO!! I can translate Old English and have studied medieval and early British literature for almost a decade. THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO FOCUS ON. But, I’m not an entitled asshole and realize I have to work my way up. When I finish my PhD, will get the perfect medieval/early British job? NO. I hope to get a job as an early British person somewhere (not my current school, who has no need for a medievalist really), but I know it will take one to two jobs before my dream job. Everyone I know has done 1-3 jobs before their perfect tenure job. Of course, there are always people who have the magic CV or whatever who will get that perfect job right out of grad school. I have no delusions. That’s not gonna be me. I’m an okay researcher and scholar and a damn good teacher. The first part means more than the last part for colleges. I just hope to eventually find somewhere I can teach Medieval lit to undergrads, and maybe do a course on monsters in pop culture.

Money wise, professors make okay but not mega bucks. I make pretty good for my area. But, I grew up poor, so having a full time job is like WHOO. I’ve learned how to live a great life on a lower salary. If money is what you want, this is not the career for you unless you’re teaching business or accounting at an MBA program. However, I go to work at 10 am, I leave some days at 1 and others at 3, I get from May-August and all of December off, and I make a full time yearly salary. So...I chose my profession for the time off. lol That’s exactly why I became a teacher XD I’m in a lot of student debt, but I worked out a payment plan with the student loan ppl and pay my loans every month. I’ll be dead before they’re paid off, but oh well :P 

What other questions did you ask...yes, I worked the entire time teaching while getting my degree. At one point I was working 5 jobs lol but not while taking class, during comps/dissertation stuff. If you have any other questions, please feel free to ask! Like I said, I have a unique circumstance, with a dick dissertation advisor, moving between 3 states and teaching at 3 different places, though I finally have landed a full time college teaching position lol When I finish my dissertation, I will be very happy with my career path. Right now, with it looming over  my head and making me feel like the fucking biggest idiot and stupidest person on the planet, I regret my life decisions XD But really, I don’t bc, you know, I work like 20 hrs a week XDDDDDD