#wofstar angst

[lumosinlove]

Sweater Weather

part iv

Remus hovered outside James and Lily’s house, waiting for Lily to answer the door and watching his cab drive away. Lily and James lived in one of the nice, private neighborhoods, not too far from Sirius and some of the other guys, but it meant a bit of a cab ride for Remus. He’d splurge though, for Lily.

The door swung open and Lily smiled, even if she did look a little frazzled. “Re.”

Remus raised his eyebrows. “Hi, Lils.”

“Hi, hi. What’s up?” She reached and pulled him into a hug—a tight hug. “Come in?”

“Yeah. Hey, are you alright? I haven’t heard from you in a while. You seem…” Remus struggled to find the right word, but ended up settling for, “James is being weird.”

“Well, hello to you, too, Lupin.” James appeared at the bottom of one half of their twisting, grand staircase. He was in what Remus assumed was most of the guys’ uniform on their days off—sweatshirt, sweatpants, and socks. All Lions labeled.

Lily huffed, but smiled a little at James as he came over to wrap an arm around her.

“Isn’t he always being weird?” She leaned up for a quick kiss. “I want ice cream and I want to watch movies. James, shoo, Remus is mine for the day.”

James feigned offense for only a moment before grinning and giving Remus’ shoulder a little shove on his way to the kitchen. “See you in a bit, Loops.”

“Yeah. Hey, I hope your shoulder’s taped under there.”

“Of course it is,” James said, and crossed his fingers behind his retreating back where Remus could see. Remus laughed as he was tugged away by Lily.

Remus eyed her carefully as she looped their arms together, leaning her head on his shoulder and practically dragging him to her and James’ media viewing room. Something still seemed odd with her. The projector was already on and it looked like its last use went to James watching game tape.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Remus said.

Lily just looked at him, wide-eyed from where she was burrowing down in the many blankets on one of the huge couches, and Remus really knew something was up. First James at the dinner, now this.

“I’ll get the ice cream,” he said, half because he thought they’d need it, and half to give Lily a second.

“Yeah,” she said faintly, then groaned and face planted into the pillows.

James was still in the kitchen when Remus got back upstairs, seemingly fixing himself a sandwich for lunch. He nearly jumped out of his skin when Remus said hello.

“Jesus,” Remus laughed, “you just saw me. What’s up with you two?”

James laughed, but it wasn’t his normal one. He ran a hand through his hair, scrubbed it over his face, and then braced both arms on the kitchen island on either side of his sandwich fixings.

“No, sorry. I don’t know, I guess I was lost in thought. Or something.”

“Right.” Remus stooped to get the ice cream out of the refrigerator. He felt like James and Lily’s house was something like his second home, and there was nothing he was more grateful for than meeting Lily at that first pre-season barbecue. Remus had never really had that many fast friends, but him and Lily had talked all night. Remus thought she was part of the reason he was so close with James and all of the guys, unlike so many others on the Lions’ staff.

“Um” James cleared his throat, “so, what movie are you watching?”

“I don’t know yet.” Remus did look at James this time as he scooped chocolate brownie and mint into two bowls. “Pots.”

James looked up from where he was squirting mustard on his bread. James had his glasses on, the round ones that the boys made fun of on road trips. James wore them rarely, mostly when he needed a break from his contacts.

“Are you okay? Both of you, is everything…”

James swallowed a hard swallow and nodded, just a little. “I’m just gonna let Lils talk to you, alright? Don’t worry.”

Remus paused beside him, hand on the silverware drawer, “How am I suppose to not worry when you give me an answer like that?”

James picked up his plate and waved Remus off. “Your ice cream is melting.”

When Remus came back with his two generously portioned bowls, Lily was sitting back up and took one almost greedily.

“So.” Remus said, pushing his shoes off his feet with his toes and crossing his legs to face her, “Your boyfriend is remaining tight-lipped. What’s up?”

Lily just looked down at her ice cream, hair hanging so far over her face that it took Remus a good minute before he realized that her bottom lip was trembling.

“Lils, hey, hey…” His voice was nearly a coo as he took their bowls and set them just within reach on the table and scooted closer, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, “Lils…I’m sorry, I…” but Remus didn’t think it was him. He squeezed her gently, thumb rubbing over her shoulder. “What is it?”

“It’s—” Her voice broke and she sucked in a shaky breath.

Remus’ heart was suddenly in his throat again. Even if James hadn’t said anything, that didn’t mean… “I…Is it—are you and James…”

“No.” Lily gasped, even laughing a little as she wiped at her eyes, “God, no. James is perfect. We’re perfect. Fuck, I feel so stupid for even crying because it’s not actually—actually bad, I’m just—”

Lily looked up at Remus then, green eyes shining and bright. The tear tracks on her face made her many freckles look stark and beautiful. “I’m scared, Re.”

“Scared? What do you mea—” Remus’ breath cut off with his words. He glanced down at Lily’s stomach, noticing now that she had both arms carefully wrapped around it. Remus’ heart picked up and he looked back at Lily, wide-eyed. “You mean…”

“We didn’t—it was an accident, but…but we’re…”

“Happy.” Remus finished for her, feeling a smile start to cross his face.

Lily sniffled and then let out a half-laugh half-sob. “Yeah. Yeah, we are, but…you’re not freaked out? Like, we’re young—Fuck, he’s so focused on the team and he just got back from his concussion last year and he doesn’t need this right now—”

“Lily.”

Lily’s rambling cut off and she blinked at Remus, then groaned and put a large spoon of ice cream in her mouth. “What?”

“What do you want? Not worrying about anyone else. What do you want?”

This was suddenly so close to the conversation he had had with Sirius.

Lily was quiet for a moment. It didn’t seem like she was really thinking about it, exactly, more just taking her time with her words.

“I want this,” she finally said. Then she smiled a little, hand against her stomach, “more than that, I want—I want it with James.”

Remus had only just opened his mouth to respond when there was a sniffle from their right. They both looked, and Lily let out a tearful laugh because James was there, rubbing at his eyes behind his glasses, in the doorway.

“‘m not listening, I promise.” James said hoarsely, but he didn’t move.

“Oh, get over here, you idiot.” Lily said thickly, wiping her cheeks.

James smiled a little sheepishly and crouched in front of the couch between them, hand reaching out to take Lily’s and rub over her knuckles. “Feel better now?”

“Mhm.” Lily said, gazing at him.

Remus suddenly felt like a bit of an intruder on an important moment, but then James said, “Finally told your best friend. I told you it’d help. Remus is happy, isn’t he?”

“So. Extremely.” Remus said, arm still around Lily.

Maybe this special moment included him. By what James said, maybe, just maybe, even this little part of what was about to be a monumental part of their lives, was even about him.

“I think it’s a boy.” Lily suddenly gushed, cheeks pink from smiling. She did look like an entire weight had been lifted off of her shoulders.

“I think it’s a little soon to tell…or—how long has it been?” Remus asked.

“About four months,” Lily said. “we’ll be able to tell at my next appointment, that’s what the doctor said.”

James made a little noise and rested his cheek on her knee, grinning up at her. She smiled back, running her hand through his ever-messy dark hair.

“Who else knows?”

“Our parents obviously,” James said, “but from the organization, the team…”

“Just you,” Lily smiled at him.

Remus raised his eyebrows, “not even Sirius?”

James laughed, “he’s next. He’s my Remus to tell.”

Remus smiled. He liked that, the notion that Sirius was to James and he was to Lily. It made him feel more apart of the Lions than ever, left his chest warm.

The first road trip of the season was to New York to play the Rangers and Remus never sat down for more than a few minutes before a road trip. For the boys, on the other hand, everything stayed relatively regular paced. They went to practice, took pre-game naps, and played their heart out. Remus sharpened skates, made sure they had a good number of everyone’s sticks, kept track of the token and the pre-game kick around soccer ball. He brought the med-kits and the extra jerseys, the back up skates, and the back up skates for the back up skates. It was exhausting, which is probably why, when he fell into a chair in the Lions lounge with a coffee that evening, he didn’t register he wasn’t alone until he heard hushed tones coming from behind one of the taller chairs, dark leather and plush. Leo had taken to falling asleep in them, much to the delight of James and Kasey’s habit of taking embarrassing pictures and having them printed out to cover various parts of the lounge.

“Oui, maman, ma cheville…c’est bien,” Sirius said, voice low and somber, like every word was being dragged out of him.

Remus didn’t quite speak French, but he had taken a few courses in college, just to be able to talk to some of the French-Canadian guys on his team, and he registered that Sirius was talking about his ankle, saying it was fine. He registered that Sirius was talking to his mother.

Remus should move. He knew he should move.

“Je ne serai pas violent sans raison,” Sirius continued, then, after a pause, a little harsher, “Ce n’est pas une raison.”

Remus swallowed. Sirius’ mom was asking him to play dirty, to hit someone, maybe. God, Remus couldn’t imagine hearing that from a parent—

“Si ce n’était pas un accident…d’accord. Il est bas. Il est ignoble. Je n’est pas.”

Remus heart was in his throat. They had to be talking about Snape, and Sirius was—he was—

If it wasn’t an accident…okay. It’s a low blow, and he is low, ignoble. I am not.

Remus knew Sirius had it rough, but he was glad he could stand up for himself.

“D'accord, la prochaine fois que vous me verrez, vous pourrez me frapper tout ce que vous voudrez.”

Remus sat up then, gasped a little, and Sirius’ head poked out of his chair to see who it was. His eyes widened a little and he whipped his head back around and out of sight.

“I have to go,” he said in English, and then he was standing, facing Remus and sliding his phone in the pocket of his sweats. “Re.”

“I—I’m sorry,” Remus stuttered. “I didn’t really know anyone was in here, I was on my feet all day, I just was going to have my coffee and go—”

Sirius shook his head, shoving both of his hands into his pockets instead. “Re, I’m not mad. It’s fine.”

Remus didn’t know what to say, too focused on the sad tone of gray Sirius’ eyes.

Sirius just shrugged. “It’s not like it’s a secret.”

“That doesn’t make it okay,” Remus’ mouth blurted before he could really think twice about it. “Fuck. Sorry, that’s not my place at all.”

Sirius just shook his head again, head low. “I didn’t say it was okay. I—you know, I see Heather about it.”

Remus nodded. Heather, their sports psychologist. “That’s good, Sirius. A lot of guys wouldn’t do that.”

“Someone’s gotta be the example right?” Sirius pulled his hands free and shook them out, rolling his shoulders like he was trying to roll a weight off of them. “Or at least try to.”

Remus stood, too, took a step forward, because he wanted Sirius to listen to this. “You’re an amazing leader.”

Sirius froze up a little again after that. And it was quiet between them, just in the small space. Remus hadn’t exactly meant to get that close but…now Sirius’ eyes were flicking between his, his lips parted.

“Thank you,” Sirius said softly, then he licked his lips, his chest breathed in like he was going to—

“Boys,” Kasey banged on the doorframe a few times, as if he needed to alert his presence. Then again, Remus thought as he caught himself staring at Sirius’ mouth, maybe that was a good idea. “Coach says wheels up at ten AM sharp tomorrow.”

Sirius looked up. They took a step back at the same time and Remus took a long drink from his coffee.

“Sounds good, Kase, thanks.” Sirius said and pulled out his phone again. Remus went to turn, to go, when, “Need a ride, Remus?”

Sirius smiled at him, a slightly nervous, closed lip thing, “Or…veux-tu dîner?”

“Hungry?” Remus blurted, because it came to him faster than the word dinner and Sirius Black had just asked him if he wanted dinner, potentially with him.

A laugh burst out of Sirius, his eyes crinkled. “Oui.”

Remus loved the way Sirius said oui, loved the way all the French-Canadian guys said it—but especially Sirius. This drawn out sound that was almost twangy. It was lazy, confident, like they were sure of their answer, like they had already known the question before it had even been asked. Sirius sounded mostly Canadian when he spoke English, but it felt like that twang kept up in all of his words at least a bit. Sirius swung a little on his feet, hips dipping back and forth while he waited, hands in his pockets still. He tilted his head, puppyish.

Remus swallowed hard. “Yeah. Oui.” It didn’t sound nearly as good as it did in Sirius’ slight accent.

“Okay.” Sirius nodded, grinning. “We’re getting pizza, don’t tell anyone.”

“That’s not on your diet plan.”

Sirius swung around as he lead Remus out of the room, walking backwards, “Shh!”

“You have your first away game tomorrow night!”

Sirius just put his finger to his lips and beckoned him forward and back to the locker room to grab his stuff. “Meet me at the parking lot,” he said before disappearing inside.

Only, waiting at the door the players used gave Remus time to think. To dwell, really. He knew they’d be going to Sid’s for pizza—anyone in Gryffindor went to Sid’s—but he didn’t know anything after that.

“It’s just Sirius,” he mumbled under his breath to himself, then, “Sirius fucking Black, Sirius.”

“What?”

Remus turned sharply on his heel, “What?”

Sirius was standing there with his backpack slung over one shoulder. He pulled the door open and waving Remus through. “I thought you said my name.”

“No.” Remus shook his head, “No, no. So, none of the guys wanted to come?”

Sirius just sort of shrugged and instead of answering asked, “Where do you want to go?”

They looked at each other as they walked side by side. A hint of a smile started to form of Sirius’ face, and then they both nodded a little.

“Sid’s,” they said, and grinned.

“Of course,” Remus laughed, “where else?”

Sirius chirped his car and Remus climbed in, waiting for Sirius to stow his bag in the backseat. He climbed in and started the engine, turning around to back up, his arm going around the back of Remus’ seat. This close, Remus could see the few dark freckles that dotted his neck and the bit of collar bone revealed by the hem of his worn t-shirt. There was one just on the underside of his jaw, too.

Remus looked away, out the window at the fairly empty lot. “Hopefully we’ll get in.”

“Hopefully I don’t get mobbed, you mean.”

“That, too.” Remus conceded.

Sirius withdrew his hand from the seat but kept only one hand on the wheel, relaxed. “Busy day, huh? Excited for New York?”

“Always,” Remus said. “And that busy day is partly your fault.”

Sirius glanced at him for a second, then back at the road. “My fault?”

“You’re the one who needs your left skate to be sharpened first and from back to front. Sort of breaks up the process when you have to think about it.”

Sirius scoffed, but it took him one glance at Remus to realize he was laughing and he gave Remus a little shove in his passenger seat. “Fuck off.”

Remus felt warm from Sirius’ hand, “Your superstitions are ridiculous.”

Sirius flicked his blinker on with a little more flourish than necessary. “Excuse me, my superstitions work, thank you very much.”

“You mean you work. See, that’s the part I’ve never quite understood.”

“What part?”

Remus looked at Sirius—he might as well get an eyeful in while he had to be focused on the road. “Hockey’s so focused on superstitions. But it’s all you guys. You work hard, I watch you work hard everyday.”

Sirius nodded slowly, seemingly mulling it over in his mind. “Yeah,” he said, “but…it’s a little magic, too, don’t you think? The chemistry…the team chemistry, or the relationship to—I don’t know, luck. Lucky stick, lucky order, lucky way of taping. It’s all it is, really. I just—I’m just looking for a bit of luck. A lucky charm.”

“Nothing can be perfect. Not even honey and butter toast at 5:00 o’clock sharp.”

Sirius smiled, rolling his eyes a little, and Remus watched the way his eyes brightened, how he drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “Maybe. But it feels nice to have something constant when nothing else is.” He looked over at Remus and held his eye for a second. Remus felt a little bit caught. “You know?”

Remus watched Sirius pull his bottom lip between his teeth as he looked back to the road, taking the left for Sid’s parking lot. His chest felt tight.

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat. “Yeah, alright. I’ll buy that.”

“Some guys wait a lifetime for their lucky charm, you know.”

Remus laughed. “Yeah, I’ve seen Leo and his lucky tennis balls. Yours will probably a lucky—I don’t know, brand of peanut butter. Let me know when you find it, alright?”

“Oh, I will.”

Sirius sent him a look as he pulled the car into park. A big smile and then ducked away, out of the car, and Remus was left staring at an empty seat before he got out, too.

Sid’s was crowded, as they expected, but the guy manning the front desks’ eyes went wide when he saw Sirius and they were ushered to a table in the back before too many Gryffindorians could realize who was among them. Remus was grateful for the privacy and the dim lighting. Now, if he made a fool of himself, no one would be around to watch and Sirius wouldn’t be able to quite catch the way his cheeks flamed.

“I could eat three pepperoni pizzas.” Sirius groaned as they sat down, gazing at the menu.

“I don’t really recommend that, but whatever floats your boat.”

Sirius scrunched his nose. “That will definitely sink my boat tomorrow.”

Remus shrugged, and picked out a small ham and pineapple pizza for himself. Sirius scoffed when he asked what Remus was getting.

“Dégueu.”

“It’s not gross!” Remus protested. “Have you ever actually tried it?”

Sirius sank guiltily in his seat, eyes innocent.

Remus flicked a straw at him from the canister at the table. He didn’t know what made him do it and he regretted it almost instantly. It felt—well, flirty.

Sirius’ eyes, however, lit up. He threw two back. Of course he did.

Once their pizzas arrived, Sid’s was in full swing and they had to lean in close over their food to hear each other. Sirius did the funny thing where he folded his pizza in half to eat it and he now had a little speck of grease below his lip. Remus was still deciding what to do about it.

“The guys really didn’t want to come?” Remus asked, just for something to say.

Sirius paused for a second, mid-chew, then wiped his mouth with his napkin. The small speck of grease was still there. Remus shifted in his seat.

“I guess not. The game tomorrow, maybe. Besides, sometimes small dinners are nice, eh?”

Remus nodded. “No, yeah. Yeah. This is—This is nice.”

Sirius smiled a little. “Good. I’m glad.”

Remus finally gave in. “Um. You have—” he motioned to Sirius’ mouth.

Sirius’ rolled his eyes a little, playfully at himself, and wiped his mouth. “Better?”

“Not quite.” Remus’ hand itched.

“Now?”

“No, um. It’s just—here, I…” He started to reach forward before he could really think about it.

And Sirius jolted back.

They stared at each other, Remus’ hand slowly lowering back to his lap.

Remus didn’t want to think about that, what all of that might mean, and so he touched his own lip instead and said quietly, “here,” then he nodded and looked down at his pizza, busying himself with tearing a new slice, “yeah, you got it.”

“Remus.”

“Hm?”

When Remus looked up Sirius’ eyes were sad, even a little panicked.

“What’s wrong?” Remus asked, trying his best to sound like he couldn’t fathom that anything from the last minute could have upset either of them. It sat heavy in his stomach.

“Just…pictures.” Sirius said, “Not—It’s just that anything can be taken out of context, and…”

Remus nodded. He knew that already. He knew what it could look like, especially with the scrutiny Sirius was constantly under by the public eye. Especially now, at the start of the season.

“Yeah, all good, Pads.”

But Sirius still looked incredibly guilty, his eyes pleading for something that Remus couldn’t name. That Remus thought it wasn’t really fair of Sirius to ask him to be able to name.

When Sirius just kept looking at him, Remus rolled his eyes. “Sirius, it’s fine. I know what you mean. It isn’t a big deal.”

“It’s not?” Sirius asked. His expression had turned careful, questioning.

Remus shook his head and bit into his pizza slice, mostly so he didn’t have to answer. He wished he had never done anything at all. He shouldn’t even have agreed to come to dinner. Remus had feelings, Sirius didn’t. Remus was gay, there were no openly gay players in the NHL, and that was probably because being the first one would be so difficult. Sirius wasn’t, anyway, but even if he was, Remus had taught himself not to hope for anything a long time ago.

The rest of the dinner was a little weird, stilted, maybe, and Remus was reluctant to get out of Sirius’ car, which had just pulled up at his curb, on such a note. Sirius seemed reluctant to let him, and turned his entire body towards Remus.

“Look. I know I keep bringing it up, but, about the—the thing. It’s not that I have a problem with anything like that. I don’t. I really, really don’t. Whoever loves whoever, I’m for it.”

“I didn’t think you did,” Remus replied, trying to steady his breathing. This was getting a little too close for comfort.

“I wouldn’t want you thinking that about me. I’m not my parents.”

Remus looked back at him. His face was lit blue from the dashboard in the dark. His eyes took on the color and looked strange and earnest. Remus wanted to reach out, but he didn’t know when he’d next have the courage—not for a while. “Sirius, I don’t know your parents. I know you. I know you aren’t like that.”

It was true. But Remus still couldn’t bring himself to say more. To say that he would be Sirius’, if he ever, in some universe, this one or otherwise, wanted that.

The car got silent again, but Remus didn’t look away. If there was anything he could give Sirius, if not himself, it was reassurance and friendship.

Sirius let out a long breath, pinching the bridge of his nose between his eyes. “I’m sorry I ruined dinner.”

“You’d be stupid if you weren’t jumpy about cameras. It sucks but it’s part of who you chose to be. I get it, really. Please don’t worry.” Remus tried to offer him a little smile. “It wasn’t—It wasn’t even like that anyway, so it’s not like you hurt my feelings or anything.”

It was a lie, straight through his fucking teeth, but it had to be said. But, contrary to what he expected, Remus watched as Sirius’ shoulders stiffened.

There was a hanging moment where Remus held his breath, sure Sirius was about to say something—something—

“Ten tomorrow?” Sirius straightened, chewing on his bottom lip. “Do you need a ride?”

Remus felt like there was no air left for him in the car and he cracked the door, slipping out onto the sidewalk. “Moody’s got me.”

Sirius nodded, “Okay.”

“Okay.”

Sirius smiled, tight around the eyes, and Remus had no clue how to fix anything. “Night, Re.”

Sirius drove away slowly, like he was looking back at Remus in his mirror, rather than the road.

“Night,” Remus said to the street.

~

Remus felt like he was nearly going to fall asleep in the elevator of their New York hotel. It was three in the morning, the Lions had lost 4-0 to the Rangers and Remus had only just finished helping the equipment staff re-load all the Lions gear back into the trucks, ready to be flown out in the morning with the rest of the team. It had been a tough game. They’d had to swap Leo in for Kasey in goal during the first period. It turned out Kasey had hurt his thigh again in practice and he was day-to-day. And Leo, in his first NHL game, had let four goals in while Henrik Lundqvist had gotten a shut out.

Remus had seen Sirius earlier in the locker room talking to him quietly, but tonight was bound to sting for a bit for all of them. After a blinding start to the season, it never felt good to fall so far.

The door dinged, but it took Remus a minute to open his eyes.

“Loops! Asleep in the elevator! Alert! Alert!”

“James—shh! Jesus fucking Christ.”

Remus snapped his eyes open to see James, Kasey, and Sirius standing there, all with what looked like m&ms and potato chips in their hands. James was grinning, Kasey was yawning and favoring his good leg, and Sirius was looking down.

Sirius hadn’t really looked straight at Remus since that night at Sid’s pizza a few days ago.

“What are you guys doing up? It’s three in the fucking morning.”

“Day off tomorrow. Just a plane ride, we can sleep then. Plus…”

James didn’t say it, but Remus nodded, knowing what he meant. It was hard to sleep after a loss. Remus could remember that from college.

“Right, well,” Remus caught the slowly closing door, “get in or take the stairs, I’m exhausted.”

They were all going to the team’s floor and Remus let himself settle against one side of the elevator while the others talked. He looked up and met Sirius’ eyes, who was leaning against the other wall while James and Kasey argued loudly, echoing in the small space. Sirius didn’t look away, but didn’t really smile either. Remus raised an eyebrow, and Sirius tilting his head.

“What?” Remus mouthed silently.

Sirius shrugged one shoulder, then waved one hand, just a little, so the others wouldn’t see.

Remus’ brow furrowed, but he waved back. Then Sirius looked away.

Fuck. Remus just wanted to go to bed.

“Night, boys,” he said when the doors opened and they all stopped at James’ door.

There was a chorus of good nights and Remus was just sliding his key card into the door when there was a hand on his shoulder. He turned into it, and Sirius was there, looming over him.

“I—hi?” Remus said.

“Hi,” Sirius looked back down at the hall where the door to James’ room had just closed behind the others, then back at Remus, “Do you—Do you want company? Or—Or you’re going to bed. You’re going to bed.”

Remus studied Sirius’ face carefully. He had said that, if Sirius needed him, he’d be here, and Remus couldn’t deny that there were few things he wanted more in life than to be there for Sirius, no matter what he had done or assumed. And Sirius obviously needed something, or at least felt like something was unresolved between them. Maybe if Remus let him in, he would finally drop it and they could go back to how it was.  A little distant, but friendly. That, at least, was better than this.

Remus motioned him in with a jerk of his chin, “Come on. We’ll watch something, get you wound down. Give me those skittles if I’m going to stay awake.”

Sirius handed them over readily, like they were his ticket inside Remus’ room, and shut the door behind them.

“I’m going to take a quick shower, if you don’t mind,” Remus said, already walking towards the bathroom, “Make yourself comfortable.”

“Thanks,” Sirius said faintly.

Remus shot him a smile that he hoped was comforting before shutting the bathroom door. He let out a long breath and started the water before stripping. Having Sirius Black waiting for him on a bed would get him moving quick enough, not that he took very long showers to begin with. This was like some strange fantasy of his come to life—except, well, they wouldn’t be…

Remus huffed and stepped under the spray, grabbing for the shampoo bottle.

He realized only he was towel drying his hair that he hadn’t thought to bring an extra set of clothes into the bathroom with him and froze mid-rub, looking at himself in the mirror, wide-eyed.

“Fuck,” he said quietly, and turned to stare at the door. He could faintly hear the TV.

He wrapped the towel around his waist, making sure it was secure before opening the door. It wasn’t anything Sirius hadn’t seen before. Naked guys, that is, not Remus naked.

“Hey, sorry, forgot to get clothes before…yeah.”

Sirius had kicked his shoes off  and was stretched out on the bed. He’d piled the pillows behind him and his shirt was hitched up on one side. Remus could see his flat, toned stomach. Sirius’ eyes found Remus in the dim room. His face was all soft angles in the flickering light from the TV. Sirius licked his lips, and then looked away. “s’okay.”

He still sounded unbearably sad and as Remus turned away he frowned, mentally planning his words instead of focusing on the fact that he was currently about to drop his towel and reveal his bare ass to Sirius Black, captain of the Gryffindor Lions.

He did it quickly, boxers at the ready, and soon he was in his sweatpants and pulling a sweatshirt over his head. He hesitated at the edge of the bed, and Sirius looked up at him.

“What?” Sirius asked. His voice sounded sleepy and content, much better than it had in the hall, tight and strained.

“Nothing,” Remus cleared his throat, then knelt on the bed, “You’re hogging the pillows.” He reached and tugged two out from Sirius’ mass.

It startled a small laugh out of Sirius, “Oh, sorry.”

Remus arranged the pillows to his liking, careful not to get too close to Sirius. “What are you watching?” he asked with a sigh as he flopped onto his back, “Fuck, that feels good.”

Sirius shrugged, “Just turned it on. You okay?”

“Yeah, just lots of loading and unloading today. My back is tired.”

Sirius hummed. “You guys work hard.”

Remus looked over at him. “So do you, just at different times.”

Sirius was flipping his phone idly in his hand. “Just giving you the credit you deserve.”

Remus smiled a little. “Yeah, I know.”

Sirius missed and dropped his phone on his chest with a little oof and it turned into a heavy sigh.

“Okay?” Remus asked quietly. He didn’t want to push too hard, but…

Sirius sighed. “I should be okay.”

“But you aren’t.”

“It’s one game.” Sirius let his head fall back and stared up at the ceiling. “It’s the beginning of the fucking season everything is fine.”

Sirius turned his head. Part of his cheek was smushed against the pillow and his eyes were somber on Remus. “And I shouldn’t even be dumping this on you. You’re tired, and this isn’t even a real problem, and I’m just—I’m being stupid and I can do better.”

“That’s not how it works.”

Sirius closed his eyes and sighed again. “I know that.”

“You have a team, Sirius.” Remus said gently, “It’s not just you.”

“I know.” Sirius’ voice was even softer this time and, looking at him, eyes closed, brow drawn together…

Remus wanted to kiss him. So much.

“I think you need to get some sleep.”

Sirius’ eyes opened tiredly at Remus’ words, his blinks slow, and he nodded. “I’ll just lay there. I hate just laying there, in the dark.”

Remus’ heart pulled as the words brought to mind a much younger Sirius, with no escape from the pressure, laying in a smaller bed staring up into the dark.

Remus picked up the remote and flipped until he found a cooking show. Mindless, comforting.

“Well watch a bit, eh? Take your mind off of some of it. I’m just warning you, I might fall asleep. But…I’ll be here. If you need me. Just wake me up, I don’t care.” I care too much.

Sirius’ eyebrows were still low and worried, but he was looking at Remus with something like disbelief. “Thanks, Loops.”

Remus nodded and kicked back against the pillows, the bed jostling as Sirius did the same. They ended up with their shoulders brushing despite the size of the bed. Remus didn’t know why, but from this distance he could feel Sirius’ warmth. It wasn’t just another weight in the bed, it was a person, close by. It was Sirius’ even breathing, the sound of him fiddling with the draw strings of his sweatshirt.

Remus wasn’t sure when his eyes closed, but with the soft sound of the TV and Sirius beside him, he’d never fallen asleep faster.

[ashes-and-ashes]

To Remus:

Dear Re,

If you are reading this, it means I’m dead. Killed, in battle, to be more exact.

(Please be alive. You have to survive this, Re. You have to be the last of us.)

So many things I want to say, so many words I want to write. I was never good with letters, Re. That was your specialty. You and your words, James and his sports, Peter with his persuasiveness and me with my arrogance. The four of us, young and bold, and I swear, we were infinite.

Then...well. I guess it happened. You know the story.

I wrote to you, you know. Those 12 years, slowly going mad, slowly losing my mind. There was no parchment, so I used the food wrappings, no ink, so I used my blood. I can remember it, hunched in a little ball in my tiny cell, one hand dripping blood as I wrote to you. I would skip my hand through the bars of my cell, slipping it into the mail cart that sometimes passed by. I broke a finger doing that - wrenching my hand through those iron shafts.

It’s funny. Azkaban is a blur, but every minute is preserved in crystal clarity.

Re. I didn’t do it. Please, I didn’t do it.

I think...I think it was you who got me through Azkaban. Not just you, but the idea of you, the idea that somewhere out there, you were safe. You were alive, whole, not rotting in some cell in Azkaban. One half of me was still breathing, still living, and it was more then I could hope for.

I still don’t know if you wrote to me. It keeps me up, sometimes.

I’ve never talked about it, have I? The memories are too painful, I think. Even writing them out hurts, makes me want to die. I still wake up, you know, my heart in my throat because what if this is a fever dream? What if none of it is real?

But then I roll over, and I see you, and everything is better again.

I think I knew, when I saw you. I think I knew when I first talked to you. I know I knew when we first kissed. I was so scared it would be a small thing, a passing fancy, a summer‘s kiss on a hot day.

I am so glad I was wrong.

It was you, Remus. Remus John Lupin. You were the one who got me through everything. Every trial, every drop of my blood, every Crucio and every burn and every slash, it was all worth it. I would do it all again, for you.

My one regret is us, Re. What we could have been. I wish...I wish we had more time. More time before...before everything happened.

And I realized that I haven’t said it yet, so I’ll say it now: I love you, Remus. I love you so much. Everything, from my mother to Azkaban to however I die, it was all worth it. Because I am so lucky, so damn lucky, that I was able to be part of your world, just for a little bit.

Take care of Harry for me. Don’t feel bad, Re. Live for me. Live for us.

Be happy.

Sirius

[seaweedinthebrain]

Why I Think Wolfstar Is Actually Canon (because I'd die for them and spend too much time in love with their relationship)

before I start, just some quick statements:

1- this is extremely long but it took a good while to elaborate it in a way that makes sense outside of my messy brain so bear with me here

2- it is way out of my comfort zone to talk about or properly annalise canon itself because I hate angst, hate J.K Rowling and the way she wrote some situations and characters, and the unfairness of the Marauders Era story makes me sob, BUT I love the HP universe and Wolfstar, so I had to go into this.

3- everything in this post is my personal interpretation of them, so if you don't see it the same way, good for you honey, don't come at me

4- basically all in here is based on other posts I've seen about the topic because I have the memory and attention span of Neville Longbottom, therefore would never notice most of these details by myself. also, even the "main" theory described isn't news to most of the Wofstar fandom, as I've read similar ones in lots of fics and headcanons. so, if you're used to reading Wolfstar, probably most of this post won't be much of a discovery, but I'm actually proud of how I thought about the end, so I would love if you read it anyway.

so, starting with the stuff in the books that I see as evidences of their relationship.

first of all, they are the representations of the stars and the moon and that is already enough reason for me to love them, but anyways...

• it took Remus only a look at the Map, a little deduction and a nod to solve 12 years of a fucking gigantic misunderstanding in PoA. clearly, he really wanted to believe Sirius;

• when Snape ties Remus with that spell during the Shrieking Shack scene in PoA, Sirius immediately tries to attack him;

• honestly, they repeatedly talk with their eyes and move together in that scene as if it was routine, even after 12 years apart;

• they lived together while Sirius was in hiding until his death;

• I'm pretty sure they gave Harry joint presents or something like that;

• Sirius defended Remus when telling Harry about how him and James were idiots during school;

• Remus is apparently the only person who can control Sirius when he's angry (because we all know Pads is an explosive temperamental little bitch). that happens both in PoA, when he stops him from killing Peter before they explain the situation to Harry; and in OoTP, when Sirius and Molly are fighting, things start getting loud, and Moony just goes "Sirius, sit down.";

• the famous Fourty Line Stare scene in OoTP, in which Remus stares at Sirius for FOURTY FUCKING LINES NON STOP.

now that the actual registered-in-the-story evidences are out of the way, let me get into my theory:

they realized they liked each other as more than best friends around fifth year or so. (Lily was the first to find out, since Remus and her were really close, than Peter. it took James weeks to notice cause he's an oblivious idiot). after graduating and entering the Order, they lived together, until things fell apart. the war brought suspicion and paranoia, so they started doubting each other, as it's said in PoA that Sirius thought Remus was the spy. the fights started getting worse and they broke up. it's not that they didn't love each other anymore, but no relationship survives without trust. (personally, the Mamma Mia! version of "Knowing Me, Knowing You" by ABBA reminds me of this part of the theory because I'm silly and need a musical background for everything).

a few months (?) pass and the Halloween of 1981 happens. Sirius goes to Azkaban, mad with guilt for convincing James and Lily to use Peter as the Secret Keeper and also for thinking his own boyfriend was the traitor. Remus is heartbroken, angry and alone.

jumping twelve years in the future, Sirius sees Wormtail in the Daily Prophet given to him by the Minister and manages to run away from prison, walking all the way to Hogwarts. Remus is hired as DADA teacher. PoA happens, they reconnect. first as friends, but then they realise the love never disappeared, so after a lot of late night relationship discussions, they decide to try again. it is not the same, because they are different and way more damaged people, but it still works just as it did when they were younger. well, until Sirius dies, obviously.

now to the next stage of Remus' life and how I think it connects here. Ronks.

(btw I don't ship it, but we're talking about canon here and I like Teddy, so I can't just ignore it)

let's face it, they were in the middle of a war. there's no way Sirius and Remus never had the "what if one of us dies?" conversation. I think they agreed that if it came to it, the surviving one had to try and move on, something neither of them were able to do during those 12 years after the Potters were killed. (I also headcanon that Sirius knew Tonks truly liked Remus and secretly hoped they could work out in case something happened to himself, because he trusted his cousin would be good for him. but that's besides the point). so, Sirius died. Remus was crushed and lonely. Tonks had also just lost her cousin. I think they were there for each other during an extremely difficult time and helped each other heal and grow. naturally, they grew closer. Tonks was already in love with him, but Remus refused to give in. this is the part where I had to think a little harder because I never cared to read much about the two of them together. "Why would Moony be so hesitant to enter a romantic relationship and be loved when he had already done it before?". follow my train of thought here. if I remember correctly, the explanations Remus gave for not wanting Tonks to be in love with him were that he was too old, poor, dangerous, scarred, etc. I think the reason why he was so hesitant to be with her while he wasn't like that with Padfoot when they got back together was: they had known and loved each other for almost their whole lives. there was not a single part of Remus, good or bad, that Sirius hadn't seen. Sirius, too, was broken, scarred, traumatised and old (as old as a person in their thirties can be, that is).

but Tonks was not like them. she was still young and vivacious, had a whole life of experiences ahead of her. he loved her, but was scared and as insecure as ever. he didn't want to hurt her because of his licantropy, didn't want to watch her realise the mistake of loving him after every one of his cards were on the table. but we all know her stubbornness won in the end, so the rest of the story doesn't have to be told.

again, don't ship it, but Remus is my favourite character (ever) and it warms my heart to know that, even in the canon that I don't love that much, he didn't die lonely and sad.

and as a last comment, "Oh, but then why did Harry never find out about their relationship?" listen, I love Harry, but he's just as an oblivious idiot as his father was, and also didn't see them all the time. I think it would be pretty easy for him not to notice.

if you survived until the end, I'm sorry. hope it all makes sense, though. drink water, wash your hands, stay safe, and read Wolfstar fics. they're my ultimate OTP.

[sunflower-swan]

Wofstar Chapter 11

A/N: Here’s what you need to know: I created this story for Writer’s Month 2020. Every day is a new prompt, and therefore a new chapter. This is an AU Wolfstar where Remus is a tattoo artist next door to Sirius who manages a flower shop. James and Lily are alive in this universe and own a coffee shop across the street. And to make parts of the story work with the prompts, Remus is about 10 years older than Sirius. It also takes place more or less in present time, minus Covid-19.

This is chapter 11 of a multi-chapter work. If you’d like to start from the beginning, here is chapter 1.

Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters. I just like to play with them.

Day 11 Prompt: Light

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 1183

Tags: anxiety, panic attack, angst

Chapter 11

Sirius

Bruno Mars, “Count on Me”

If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea,

I'll sail the world to find you

If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can't see,

I'll be the light to guide you

Sirius tried to stay at his own place that night. He had made it through the previous days at home alone mostly through a haze of firewhisky. Now he stood sober in his living room and stared as memories flooded his mind.

After their second date, Sirius had invited Silas in. They spent hours cuddling on the sofa and lazily making out. The first time Silas stayed over, he tried to make breakfast. He burnt it so bad they had to keep the windows open all day, and it still smelled a little smokey for a few days. Their last day together...

Suddenly, his arms tingled. He looked down at his hands and they were shaking. He felt his heart palpitate and his forehead broke with a cold sweat. Sirius gasped for air and ran out of his flat before he fell apart completely.

He appeared in Remus' living room with a POP, and fell forward on his hands and knees. The air was sucked from his lungs.

“I… I…” he gasped.

Remus rushed to his side. “Lay down,” he ordered.

Stars were popping behind Sirius’ eyes. He felt dizzy.

“Sirius.” Remus’ calm voice sounded like it came from down a long tunnel. “Roll over and drink this.”

He did. He rolled over and sat on the floor. He drank what Remus had given him. Whatever it was, it tasted like lavender and mint.

Remus sat behind him with his chest to Sirius’ back. He placed his palms on Sirius’ chest and said, “Breath with me Sirius...in through your nose…” He took a slow breath in. “...and out through your mouth…” He let a slow, audible breath out. 

This continued for a few minutes, and eventually his breathing slowed to match Remus’. The stars stopped popping behind his eyes. His hands were still shaking, but his arms didn’t feel tingly anymore. He felt his shoulders lower and he relaxed into Remus’ chest. 

“Unclench your jaw and take your tongue off the roof of your mouth,” Remus instructed.

Sirius did. How did he know?

He tilted his head to lean on the side of Remus’, and closed his eyes. “Thank you,” he whispered.

~~~~~

Soft morning rays filtered through the window when Sirius fluttered open his eyes. The scent of old books flooded his nostrils like a balm on his broken soul. He looked around and realized he was on Remus’ couch again.

Remus had fallen asleep in his chair opposite the couch. He was slouched down with his chin to his chest, and he was snoring softly. Sirius watched the steady rise and fall of his arms crossed on his chest. The hazy events of the previous evening played unbidden through his mind.

Sirius' breathing slowed and he relaxed into Remus' willowy body. Remus helped him to the couch and pulled a blanket over him as he laid down. 

“What was in that potion?” Sirius mumbled and cuddled into the blanket.

The couch cushions sunk from the weight of someone sitting on the edge. A gentle hand brushed hair out of his face.

“Calming Draught,” murmured Remus. “Get some sleep, Sirius.”

He felt the weight on the couch lessen, and he reached out a hand to stop them. “Stay with me?”

“Ok.”

The tiny light in his chest grew to a tiny flame. He blinked away tears, uncertain if they were happy or sad, or a combination.

Remus gave a snort and adjusted position in the chair. Then he wriggled his nose and scrubbed his cheek with the back of his hand. He stretched out his limbs and gave a yawn. Sitting up, he blinked open his eyes and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Morning,” Sirius said, sitting up.

“Morning,” Remus replied through another yawn. He leaned forward with his arms on his legs, clasping his hands in front. “Did you sleep ok?” His eyes were bloodshot.

“I think so...whatever you gave me could have knocked out a hippogriff.” Sirius scruffed his hair and blinked. “I still feel a little loopy.”

Remus rubbed his palms together and lowered his head. “Sorry about that. It was a pretty strong Calming Draught, but it was all I had that would help.”

Sirius silently wondered why Remus would need such a strong Calming Draught, but decided not to ask.

“You’ll feel better once you start moving around,” Remus advised as he stood.

“Hey, Remus,” Sirius said.

Remus’ arms dangled at his sides. “Yeah?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Would you mind…” Sirius tugged at his earlobe. “...not telling James and Lily about last night?” He raised his chin to peer at Remus. “Or how I was yesterday at my flat?”

With a nod, Remus said, “Yeah...ok.”

Sirius didn’t want James and Lily to worry about him more than they already did. It was a fortunate day for him when Remus decided to open the tattoo lounge next door to the flower shop.

~~~~~

He went back to work that day. Although Remus had assured him he could stay as long as he needed, he didn't want to feel like a burden, and returned to sleeping at his own flat after a few nights on Remus’ couch.

It wasn’t easy to be there alone. Remus had taught him some coping techniques for when it all felt like a bit much, which was most of the time at first. Over the next few weeks he slowly started to come out of the darkness, thanks in no small part to Remus’ help, understanding, and friendship.

The first time he realized he had gone an entire morning without thinking about Silas had been a shock. Then the first time he laughed -- really laughed, not a forced smile and chuckle -- Sirius was stunned by the reaction. He actually couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed. And it wasn’t even anything very funny, just something dumb Remus had said or did. Something exceptionally everyday and ordinary.

One morning, about six weeks after Sirius had received word of Silas’ passing, he and Remus were enjoying their usual morning coffee at Potter’s Wheel.

“Sirius, you look healthier every day I see you,” said Lily, giving Sirius a side hug because she was holding a coffee pot in one hand.

Sirius felt healthier than he had in -- what felt like -- ages, even though it had only been a few short weeks. The concept of time had lost meaning after Silas was gone and he was lost in an empty dark pit. Coming out of that darkness now, new life was breathed into him, and everything around him seemed a little brighter.

“Thanks, Lily,” he said, hugging her back.

She gave him a smile and a wink, and ambled away.

“You have good friends,” Remus said. He was looking down into his now full coffee cup.

“Yeah, you are,” Sirius agreed.

Remus met his eyes, a slight flush on his ears.

Sirius said, “Remus, you’re the one who pulled me out of that darkness.”

“Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light.”*

*Madeleine L’Engle (author - A Wrinkle in Time)

Next Chapter: Chapter 12