#wow I've never been happier in my whole life

[footballfanficwriter]

Kylian Mbappe with major baby fever but you’re not buying it

Let's have a baby

Kylian and I are in bed having a conversation

"So uhm what do you think about having a baby?"

I'm silent, I don't have a response to that question, fuck what do I say

"Uhhhhh, yeah maybe in a few more years"

"How many years is a few more years"

How about 10-15

"3-4 years maybe"

"What that's too long"

"How long do you want it to be then"

"Maybe in the next year"

Is he mad the next year, that is way to soon

"Kylian we can't have a baby within the next year"

"Why not?"

"Because I-I I don't want to"

"You don't wanna have a baby or you don't want to have a baby with me"

"I don't want to have a baby"

"Why not?"

"I'm not ready"

"I've seen how you are with kids you are great with them, you'd be a good mother"

"Thanks"

"So can we have a baby?"

I get out of bed and walk to the bathroom to get ready for the day, he follows me and waits for my answer

"Not yet Kylian"

"But the last time we had this conversation you said you were ready"

"Well I changed my mind" I say getting angry that he keeps pressing on about the matter

"What made you change your mind?" He says getting frustrated with me

"Kylian I don't want to have a baby" I say getting louder

"What changed your mind?" he asks sounding even more frustrated

"I realised I wasn't ready to be a mother" I say

"You were ready the last time" he says

"We're going around in circles you realize that right, you keep asking me the Same question and everytime I give you the Same answer"

"Well maybe I wouldn't be asking you the same question if yourself explained properly"

"Kylian it's a new day and we're starting it on a bad note"

"You've been avoiding this topic for months now and everytime I bring it up you come up with an excuse"

"Because I don't want to talk about it"

"Why do you have to be so difficult"

"Kylian I know you keep asking me the same questions because you're not satisfied with my answers"

"Oh wow look at that, see this is why I married you, you know me so well"

"Stop patronizing me"

"What you don't like my responses,see how it feel?"

"You're hurting my feelings Kylian that's not funny"

"You're also hurting my feelings"

"Because I don't want to be pregnant?"

"But you know that for the longest time I've wanted to a father"

"You seem to forget whose body this is, you're telling me what to do with my body?"

"I'm not I'm just suggesting"

"Well I'm not talking your suggestion"

"WHY?"

"Don't shout at me Kylian"

"WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO HAVE A BABY?"

"BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I WAS PREGNANT I HAD A MISCARRIAGE"

"What?"

"There was a time when I found out I was pregnant, and I didn't tell you because it was that time you and Neymar were fighting and the world had seen you as an arrogant person, I didn't want to tell you because you always looked exhausted, and angry about the whole thing I didn't think it was the right time to tell you

Then one day when you were gone for the international break, I was having stomach cramps, and I knew it was bad because I  can't be on my periods and be pregnant, so I went to the doctor and I found out I had lost the baby, and I didn't want to tell you because  you looked much happier and I knew if I told you it would make you sad, I hadn't seen you that happy in a long time, so I decided not to tell you and you were never home so that made it easier to hide my pain and hurt"

"Mais pourquoi"

"Whenever we were together I wanted us to be happy because I knew the moments would be short lived and  you'd have to go back to playing"

I look at him with hurt and he looks at me with shock and hurt

"I'm sorry Kylian, please forgive me"

"I-I-I can't" he whispers

He walks out the bathroom then down the stairs and out the front door

I then cry, cry for my husband, cry for my unborn baby, cry for the life I would have and cry because of everything that has happened

After wiping my tears and fixing myself I continue with my day

But every now and then I think about the events of the morning and Kylian has ben gone for 6 hours now and I've been calling but his phone keeps going to voicemail

After 8 hours of being absent Kylian finally comes back home, I'm sat on the sofa when he walks in

"Hey"

"Hi" he says

He walks to the kitchen and grabs a bottle of water

"Are you ok?"

"Mhm"

"Can we please talk"

"Yeah"

He walks towards me and we sit on the sofa

We sit in silence until I break it

"Kylian I'm sorry, for not telling you about the baby and keeping it a secret from you, but you have to understand that I was doing it to protect you and your happiness"

"I went out to clear my head, and to think about what you told me and I thought about it and at first I was angry and upset at you for not telling me what was going on with you, but then I realized you've suffered so much all on your own and I wasn't there to walk you through it"

"I am your husband and I'm supposed to be there for you, we are supposed to face problems together and that's why I say we are both at fault here, you are at fault because you didn't tell me what was going on with you and I'm also at fault because I wasn't there for you and I didn't give you an environment where you can tell me, I'm sorry"

"I'm sorry as well"

"Do you forgive me" we both say at the same time

"Yeah I forgive you"

"I forgive you aswell"

He pulls me in for a hug and says

"And we don't have to have a baby now, we can wait until your body is ready and until you are ready I won't bring up the baby topic anymore unless you bring it up"

"Ok, thank you Kylian"

"You're welcome amour"

[blitheringmcgonagall]

Oh my GOOOOOD, your additions to the Peter Pettigrew meta were so well-written, it was almost like reading a fic in and of itself. I was a bit terrified and definitely disturbed by the time you got to the end of the timeline. Really brought into full view for me exactly how fascinating and truly...evil? his whole arc is.

And I deeply appreciate your position on him truly being one of the Marauders, not this cast off that none of them really liked. I know I've been so guilty in the past of having him sort of be the throw-away Marauder, even in my Hogwarts-era fics, but I really want to write and read more fics where he's as much a member of the group as the others are...

Oh! And you brought up so many facts that spoke to how calculated his decisions were, both in the Marauder's Era and Trio Era, which directly oppose his own claim that he did it all because Voldemort would have killed him... Do you think he used people's view of him as a coward to his benefit, and actually was much more of a manipulator than he ever appeared in the books? It seems clear now that there were a lot of other factors for him beyond fear, so he was probably just using the excuse that he thought would work best for him in the moment (speaking specifically about the scene in the Shack in PoA) - and this excuse wasn't really the truth, or at least, not the whole truth... Just, wow, yeah, I don't know how I'd never seen before that he's obviously so much more than a coward, if he's even really a coward at all.

Ah, so sorry for rambling at you about this 😅 I'm just so intrigued by this whole discussion and can tell you've thought about it a lot! 💚

Thank you so much!!! This is the post you are referring to and I’m so happy you liked it! I honestly have thought about this a lot because I was forced to when I was writing my canon marauders fic we can be heroes?

The fact he was spying for Voldemort for a full year before Lily and James were murdered is incredible… as he was watching baby Harry growing older, meeting his fellow Order members, going to their funerals, simultaneously passing on details and getting them killed, one by one… chilling stuff!

The reasons are fascinating and possibilities endless. I picked fear as one reason but actually jealousy and self-preservation more importantly for him?

And even that isn’t enough of an explanation? Yes fear was a definite big motivator but out of all of Voldy’s pure blood fanatic bigoted Death Eaters, why did HE willingly (under no duress) travel to the forests of Albania on his own to find Voldemort? He could have just disappeared and lived as a rat anywhere in the UK. Or as a pretend-muggle anywhere in Europe, or even escaped to the US or Canada?

I think we all casually accepted how many people Pettigrew directly and indirectly killed? The Order members he betrayed, James and Lily, the twelve Muggles he killed by blowing up the street with an extremely powerful curse (“which created a crater large enough that the sewer pipes were showing”), he caused Bertha Jorkins to get permanent brain damage (and then Voldemort killed her), he killed Cedric…

I’m not sure how she-who-must-not-be-named wrote him. She describes him constantly as weak and fawning, “hero worshipping” James and Sirius according to Prof McGonagall who thought he was stupid (he clearly wasn’t). JK writes him as terrified of Voldy and cringing practically every time we see him after Voldy returns. She implies it’s all due to fear but that doesn’t add up imo.

Peter had a miserable life after Halloween 1981, living as a rat for 12 years, then being treated like shit by Voldy and co who all clearly despised him. Maybe he found some solace hanging out with the Golden Trio in Hogwarts’ Gryffindor Common Room again, reminding him of happier times as a teenager before the war, when he had best friends? (Although surely reminded of his misdeeds, all the time, by Harry who looks the spitting image of James but with Lily’s eyes and her sass?)

He wanted to win. To be on the side of the winning team, untouchable, protected - as he once was in school by his fellow marauders.

I thought maybe the reason he went to such great lengths, of his own accord, why he so desperately wanted to bring back Voldy and have the Death Eaters win, is that at least he’ll be then able to tell himself it was all worth it (the betrayals, the deaths on his conscience, the life as a rat). That maybe Voldy and his wix will finally respect him? Because if Voldy loses, then all his godawful life will have been for what? For nothing?

[liashinmenu]

Beautiful Nights | H. Hyunjin

Idol!Hyunjin, Student!Y/N, FT. StrayKids and Y/N's classmate/bff.

Plot: Hyunjin and you have been friends for almost 6 years now. In your last day at university, Hyunjin gave you the best moment of your life you could ever get from him.

Genre: fluff, friends to lovers. Not proof read!

I want to apologize beforehand if I have any mistake while writing, english is not my first language so I'm probably not going to write everything perfectly.

Warning: A LOT of fluff.

.............

It was unbelievable, wasn't it? All those years you spent studying (and crying) while Hyunjin, your best friend, was beside you were totally worth it.

"Don't be nervous, you don't have any reason for it, just stay calm and everything will go great." You listen from a familiar and beautiful voice through the phone that was ringing some seconds before.

He was always there to comfort you with the sound of his voice. Since the first time you talked to him you knew that his voice was hypnotizing and sweet.

"Any hello would also be great, you know?" You said to Hyunjin while laughing, trying to hide your nervousness. You heard his contagious laugh that never failed to make you smile. "I don't have much time as I'm going on stage in some minutes, but I just want you to know that I'm sorry for not being there and that you're going to do great."

You smiled while listening to his words, "don't worry Hyun, I know yours is a... Special situation." Hyunjin knew that well, very well, but he couldn't help but feel a little bit guilty for it.

"I'll ask Taeyang to record everything and then I'll send it to you, no worries, really."

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

And for the first time in 5 years you could finally feel free, you felt like you weren't going to touch any other book in, at least, 7 or 8 years.

Your bff and classmate Taeyang took you to your apartment in his car, as it was late and he didn't want you to go by bus. Your eyes, feet and arms felt heavy and going straight to bed sounded like a great plan. However, something (or someone) got in the way between you and your comfy bed. "What are you doing here?"

"Not even a hug? Wow, you hurt my feelings." He said to you while getting closer and trapping you in his arms. "I'm so proud of you..."

Tears of happiness filled your eyes and threatened to fall, and Hyunjin was decided to make you not only listen but to believe that he was proud of what you've achieved. He looked at the beautiful deep blue sky of the night throught the glass door that leads to your balcony, taking you hand and opening that door to let you appreciate the beautiful sky.

Both of you were silent, you were close enough to know that you were comfortable around the other and didn't have to talk to know what both of you were thinking. As the stars started to show, the silence started to be filled by beautiful words from Hyunjin.

"To be honest with you, I think I've never felt really understood by someone until our friendship started." He said out of nowhere, but you knew that the calming moment was creating the perfect scenario to get emotional or honest. "You are the most talented, supportive and true to their own self person I have ever met." Said while your eyes got stuck in each others', you bet you could look at the whole universe by just looking at them.

And Hyunjin? He could tell his eyes were at their brightest when he was with you. In fact, everyone could tell, the guys of Straykids tease him everytime they can because of it. But, deep inside, even if he acts like he's disturbed he feels happy about it, because Hyunjin knows he could never be happier with another person that was not you, he knew he wanted to spend his days with you.

"I know these years were really tough for you, I remember all those nights you spent crying because you couldn't understand a particular subject. But, please, let me hold your hand forever and make you know that, as well as I did all this time, I will stay by your side all the years that come from now on." A tear was falling down your cheek, making you feel the soft skin of Hyunjin removing it with his finger and looking at you with admiration and love.

You've always wanted to be with Hyunjin, not only as a friend, if not as a partner to support and that would support you too. While looking at him and feeling his soft skin against your face, you could only think about all those times when you were begging him to give you any sign that could have told you to give a step ahead and reveal your feelings, eventhough he already gave you thousands of them without planning it.

That's how, while looking into each other, Hyunjin got his face closer to yours and gave you the signs you were asking for all this years: "let me be yours" came out form his soft lips. "You'll always be mine, and I'll always be yours" you said, while you both sealed your promise with the kiss that made you know you were made for each other. "The most beautiful nights are the ones I spend with you, Y/N."

© By @liashinmenu on Tumblr, please don't translate or copy my content without my permission.

[three--rings]

So I was thinking last night about the FTH charity binding I offered, and why I didn't put any restrictions on the content it could cover, other than very basic restriction on underage explicitness.

And I realized it's because I know from experience that I could list out a whole bunch of restrictions and STILL get something I didn't foresee and which might bother me. I've been around fandom enough to know that when you try to foresee all the potential weirdness, someone will always outweird you.

So I gave myself a personal safe position, which is if I disliked the content in whatever someone wanted me to bind, I would just not read it. (I don't have the kind of triggers where just glimpsing a topic is going to leave me shaken and upset, other than like a momentary shudder.)

(I ended up with a very nice fic that I never would have encountered but enjoyed reading and therefore am making an extra nice typeset for, btw.)

But anyway, I think it ties into the entire idea of antis wanting to censor content because they think they can somehow prevent themselves ever getting upset if they Just Restrict Enough Topics. If they make everything that could possibly be Wrong illegal, they will be Safe from Upsetting Things.

And I can just tell you, from experience, that's not how humans work. Someone will still slip the most disturbing content imaginable through your carefully considered limitations. People are freaking WEIRD MAN and the sooner you just accept that and see it as beautiful the happier you'll be.

(Which again, doesn't mean you have to personally expose yourself to upsetting things, that's what tags are FOR, but also know there are tags out there you are never going to THINK of restricting that will hit you upside the head.)

And I'm not even talking about Weird Sex Stuff necessarily. Like, you could end up encountering a fic that just...upsets you deeply because of the tone or the mood. It could send you into a depression or something just because of the plot, it could remind you of something from your past for random reasons, like engaging with stories isn't SAFE on a fundamental level. There is always a risk of it DOING SOMETHING to you. That's what is awesome about stories.

Like I recently read a fic without looking too closely at tags and went in for some BDSM smut and ending up sobbing my eyes out repeatedly. It fucking knocked me for a LOOP emotionally. And wow, that was AN EXPERIENCE that I'm glad I had. I had been feeling kinda emotionally dead and this shook something LOOSE.

Anyway, yeah. If you try to make fiction (or life) Perfectly Safe you'll just end up drawing boundaries smaller and smaller until you find yourself backed into a tiny empty corner.

[tobiasdrake]

Deeper into the Catacombs.

...should I?

I think the blue background indicates this is a deathpit. But I won't really know it's a deathpit if I don't die in it, will I? Hmm.... Choices....

Hey, it's that asshole! Uh... Mermofqwizard or something like that. They're memorable because their names are bullshit, but they would usually show up around Roro's stuff.

So I feel confident this Necromancer is probably her. We're on the right track. We just need to make sure she can properly hear us.

There we go. Alright, let's try again. HEY BES--

She didn't even let me finish that time. Am I not saying it right? She seems mad for some reason.

The Scriptures say she's the embodiment of pure evil, so she might just be kind of a jerk. Maybe this is how she welcomes all of her friends.

Her book collection's pretty extensive, though. I've seen way more bookshelves than coffins in these catacombs. Maybe this is her private library, or something.

Given the number of books she has on display here, she must be tremendously well-read.

Do you know if she's mad at me for some reason?

*notepad* Do not stand in front of things that look dangerous. Check. Though, counterpoint, I do like hearing what my buddy Quarble has to say. He's pretty witty, even if it is at my expense every time.

...hold up, he?

...

Ohhhhhhhhh. That's why he hasn't been receptive to the Bestie codephrase. That makes so much more sense now. The real Roro would never pass up a chance to hang out with a follower of her dear friend Luana.

Wow, I must look like a complete lunatic to him. I guess it's true what they say. Assume and make an ass out of u. Not me, just u.

Have you considered putting this army of the undead towards civil service? Doesn't have to be out of the goodness of your heart; You could totally charge money for it. Not like the undead care about getting paid wages.

I'm just saying, taking over the world or whatever is a whole lot of responsibility. Capitalism pays far better, and it's no less sinister!

You guys know I can hear you, right? It's a huge, empty room. The echo is unbelievable.

Oh my goddess, he's adorable. Heeeeeey buddy, do you want a Kit Kat-- Oh, no, wait. You're evil.

Um. Nestle crunch bar? Made from real human despair.

Oh sweet, you know me. That should help smooth things over and--

Gotta be honest, I have no real stake in this conflict. You picked a fight with me. So. Y'know. If you want to be best friends for life, I could use some more pals. Otherwise, I'm just... gonna go....

If it helps, I think your staff looks really cool. And your skull face is working for you; You just need a stature to match.

Alright, see you around. Look me up if you ever want to hang out. I am desperately lonely.

Have fun soul-searching and I hope you find your way to being a happier you tomorrow than you were today.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Oh, the Lure of Emily

I've been withdrawing.

Not for all that long, I don't think, but social media goes so fast, so that means letting a lot of opportunities to be "social" disappear into the ether. I shouldn't. I need to practice connecting with people and it used to be so much easier for me to do that on the internet, but I really hate just about everything about it now. It's hard to put what I mean into words fast enough, and it seems like that's hard for a lot of people, but we're doing it anyway. That's a lot of what I don't like interacting IRL, and it's here now. I haven't found a place that's not like that.

I entered into this level of interaction at the behest of a soulless corporation that doesn't care about any of us (clearly) and I'm being asked to pay more than I wanted to give (ex. curate an ever-lengthening feed of more people who want to be seen, help train AIs who'll render me and others invisible, accept a certain amount of increasingly heinous ideas with no pushback to be polite/for my own mental health/to keep my interaction from being nothing but that stuff), in return for much less than what I wanted to get. Mainly, it's so strangers can click a button that says they "like" something I did, and never interact with me, or any other aspect of me, ever again.

It's like that on my site, too, except I disabled the "like" and comment functions out of frustration. The interface became unsustainable and It's mainly bots using it. I've improved my ratio of "recorded clicks that were probably a human being" vs. "probably a webcrawler or spambot" for the privilege of seeing how few people are interested.

And social media isn't helping. I mean, why would it? It's getting all it wants out of me on spec, and it does not have to deliver visibility. It never did. That was always something I needed to "earn." It just seemed to be easier to do that in Web 1.0. I had a message board, once. It survived a move from one dying host to another (which, I think, is also dead now - everyone's on Discord) and I picked up enough people to write and have fun, with very few jerks I needed to ban, and no bots. Wow. If someone was being a total bastard, they were made of meat and I could yell at them and register an objection like a person. Does anyone out there remember that?

A big part of me wants to be a postmodern Emily Dickenson. You can have my work after I'm dead, if you want it. I'll "publish" by printing it out and putting it in a box. Even the fanfic stuff. Interacting with fandoms hardly seems worth it for me, they've got their own issues. And, as for social, you may have one garden party a year, and maybe I'll exchange emails with one guy who says "this stuff is good". We live small enough, and we're doing well enough, that I could probably hide and keep making art uncompensated. Unless something happened, and then I'd probably wind up on the street or in an institution of some kind. Not the nice kind.

And, as much as you [as in, anyone who trips over this] would protest the loss of me to my face - out of some feeling of human solidarity or philosophical devotion - were I to vanish, it wouldn't matter where. You'd get used to not seeing me. You'd read something else. Maybe I'd be happier, maybe I wouldn't, but that wouldn't involve you, so you'd move on.

That big, dumb jerk Nietzsche (who was, at least, made of meat) posited that Sisyphus must be happy, because he knows he's doing what he's supposed to and what's going to happen next, forever. But, really, the only thing you'd have to do is say to him, "Every time you put one iota of effort into pushing this rock, there's a small chance it'll take off and fly. If you're really doing your job, it will, it's just a matter of time!" And then it doesn't. Not just for his whole life, for eternity.

I'm not being punished for cheating death. I'm being punished for cheating corporations - not even cheating them all that much, I don't think, but it's enough. I don't look profitable, because that wasn't why I started pushing this rock. I wanted to make a difference. I'd like enough money to live and keep creating, and to pay some people to help me, but all that's just some boxes to tick on the way to making a difference. And I can't tick those boxes for a corporation or for myself.

The only thing that's gotten me attention is when someone bigger than me gives me a namecheck. I could just keep begging creators I love to do that, but a lot of people do that, and I don't think creators like it. They didn't ask for that responsibility. They don't have time to vet every person and see if their work is actually good or just AI generated garbage. Or delusional garbage from someone who thinks they can create, but can't, really. I'm losing the confidence to keep begging people to understand that I'm not delusional. Maybe I am, ya know? That would explain my situation too.

At least, if I kept it all to myself, I'd be dead when someone found my boxes and boxes of papers and chose an excerpt for their treatise on hypergraphia in freaky recluses.

Thoreau got it twisted. People make pretty baskets so someone will use them. If it has no use, it's neither a basket nor an art object. Someone has to pick it up and use it for it to be either of those things, and hopefully both. I use my baskets. I think other people could, but I know I use them. It would be a lot easier for me to do that if I didn't keep leaving them outside when I've finished weaving and hoping someone will pick them up.

But, I typed this into a window on Tumblr, so it's going outside with the rest. As will the others, for the time being. My words will probably be used to train an AI, and already have been. Yours too. Self-determination is reserved for the Emilies. I do want it, but...

Not enough to give up this painful hope that a rock might fly.

[the-nysh]

After finishing up my trigunbookclub reread of volume1, I feel I've come to a greater understanding of some of its first themes presented.

If the first story arc (ch00-04) introduces us to the tone & setting, where even on such a harsh, inhospitably dry desert planet to live, humanity's so often pushed to resort to violence to even survive, we're also shown how those unfortunate conditions and choices--even for this necessitated way of life, doesn't mean that humanity itself is inherently evil or a lost cause. :O I feel that's one of the biggest distinctions made.

Then in the Sand Steamer arc (ch05-09), I've come to appreciate the significance of Rem being introduced here--in a way that metaphorically (and successfully) puts her core beliefs directly into practice. Leading Vash towards a greater understanding of what it means for people to keep on living with hope ('blank tickets') for the future.

[First page (left, in ch5) poses his ongoing question to himself & Rem in his dreams: in a world (his reality) so terribly dry--even people's hearts, he wonders why people would go on living. Vs the second page (right, in ch9) after his whole experience on the Steamer, where he feels he more closely understands her belief and the answer to his question.]

Because everyone's 'tickets' riding on the Steamer's seemingly doomed course could be changed and averted to a whole new destination! Through the help of everyone choosing to come together to work to survive this and make it happen. Where humanity is capable of course-correcting itself despite even the worst conditions, and that demonstration of humanity's potential very much aligns with what Rem believed in, and represents why she gave her life for the rest of humanity to even have that chance of a future too. :')

Then paralleling Vash's experience (vs one half of the Nebraskas and following his epiphany about Rem on the Steamer), Meryl gets her own arc (ch10-12, vs the other Nebraskas, among continuing themes of family) that gives her the confidence boost to choose and commit towards her own course in life--her own 'blank ticket,' with greater faith and understanding too. Without holding herself back or closing her heart off towards what matters to her either, by taking action and contributing even in small but significant ways towards the course she wants to aim for. :') (More in-depth Meryl commentary here.)

Chapter-by-chapter commentary of vol1's first arc written here, but the Sand Steamer's in-depth commentary continues below:

Ch05: 'Assault'

True to his word in ch4, when Vash promised he'd take care of the lost 'stowaway' kid who's evidently in trouble, he TAKES CARE of him by providing extra food & shelter (in first class; no more insufficient space in third; wow, sweet caretaker Vash~) Even if he has to evade those sharp suspicions from the girls about what he's sneaking around doing. :P

Vash making small talk with the boy (while having one eye winked closed) feels almost like he's fishing for info, like Vash knows more than he lets on when he mentions stuff about the possibility of a 'raid' tonight. 👀 (Pretty sure he noticed the kid had a knife the prev ch too, so the kid is...def hiding something.) Along with some philosophical musings about their origins on this planet: has it been a happy blessing or a curse? For humanity to have arrived here yet be essentially stranded on this harsh, dry place to live. While on the other hand, the kid gauges him as well, thinking Vash seems to speak very oddly about such things (and it is odd to ask a child about this; how would he even have enough life experience to know?) since the kid--Kaite/Kaito has never had to compare his life's current tough situation or circumstances beyond what he's always known on this planet. So to him, it's as if Vash were speaking much like those who first arrived here and experienced the fall more than 100yrs ago. 👀👀 As if Vash knows (or feels with longing?) there's any other (better, happier) places for humans to be, with memory of places beyond here. Suspicions suspicions! (going both ways here, and this seems to be one of the first times Vash--or at least his perspective, comes off much older/different than he appears, especially to a young kid who can sense it.) Hmmm...but it seems Vash silently noticed too late that his drink had been drugged with something that suddenly puts him to sleep. That kid is much sneakier and skilled than he lets on! (You can't even take your guard down around kids here!) Despite how much he thinks of Vash as a 'nice guy.' :'D

Unfortunately cause the kid does have a priority job to prepare for...cause he's basically the scout ready to signal for when it's time for the Bad Lads' raid to begin! (hmm~ irony after Vash had just mentioned it before) The kid's worked ahead of time to disable the Steamer's main defense room so the ship can't shoot back, by putting all their security personnel to sleep the same way as Vash--by placing that same drug to dispense thru their air vents. So then I suppose the kid considered Vash part of Steamer's security too? :'D Enough to put him to sleep like the rest. He did see how much the caravan guy (prev ch) had tried to hire Vash to join before, so perhaps the kid took the extra precaution just to be 'safe.' To keep Vash from interfering too.

Anyway, Vash may be put to sleep but the GIRLS ARE AWAKE! Startled by all the commotion. (And god, what uncomfortably tight and claustrophobic crew's beds those are! D: But bonus cute: Milly loosely ties her hair back with bows for bedtime~)

But Vash being asleep means we're shown his first dream of Rem! (Looks like the kid was nice enough not to leave Vash snoozing on the floor, and somehow hauled him up onto the bed before he left.) One of Rem's first 'cues' is to the comforting, nostalgic sound of singing, and I like how the 98 adapted a whole song that basically represents 'her.' But if you remember in the prologue ch00 about how the 'same song of humanity still sang'....well, you can probably symbolically link the two together: she and the 'song of humanity' are likely representative of one in the same. Or rather, she represents (the best of) humanity itself - to HIM (as his mom an ideal he often seeks guidance from when lost), is the feeling I get.

UUuuruhghghh;;; man, ok, the line he asks her really gets to me. About him thinking how everything in this world (that he's seen so far in his life) is so terribly dry, even people's hearts :')) (Really? even from all the other people besides her he's met? even the kind ones? or has he just been..so tired.) That he just sits here (almost reverting to a childlike mentality--in the 98 anime he often speaks this way to her using 'boku' as his pronoun), wondering with no easy answer, repeatedly asking himself--and her, the same question: how can people can still find reasons to keep on living. :'))) And GOSH, he frames this to her as if the dry world (his reality) he knows of is that dream, while his preferred 'reality' is....this safe, familiar, comforting (ideal) peaceful dreamworld based on his memories with Rem. Man;;; escaping reality vs dreams...it's like which world would he prefer to keep on living in? When the one he knows upon waking is so continually dry and hard even for him to find those reasons to keep going...just how do people do it? God, do you see what I'm getting at. ;o; (Especially after he asked Kaite, the boy, whether their arrival--or birth/fate here is anything to be happy about...man, alright, so maybe that was Vash's subtle way of asking a fellow kid how to stay happy before he asks his mom about it.)

Her only advice and guidance for him...is about her excitement knowing that their futures have no set destinations; they've been handed blank tickets at birth to go wherever and make whatever of their lives as they please. Their train tracks don't simply lead a one-way ticket to somewhere so dreary and dooming like that, nowhere that seriously fated at least. :') So in a way, that's her positive outlook on life: to ask her heart where she most wants to go, cause that choice of destination is always open to make or change no matter what happens. Their future's not fated or set in stone. So that belief keeps her hope (and sense of happy, youthful fun) going. ONLY.......her destination became......[something so earth-shattering Beyond his reach] that remembering even fragments of that almost like a dream shifting to a nightmare jolts Vash to wake up (fallen over the bed, shaken and un-grounded--or I imagine, he tried to reach forward to save her from falling, only there's nothing he could do, save for him falling back to reality) with nearly shed tears. :'))

Following THAT whole speech about unset destinations and such, there's some...interesting framing/contrast going on about how the Steamer's treasure vault can't be opened until they reach their destination, and something something...the way BDN forcibly resets their course and speed to reach their destination HIS WAY. (Wanting to speed towards a huge crash at the end to bust open that treasure.) Which in his words, "The best thing for a meager [Dark Horse: 'rotten'] life is an early, glorious death!" Where if it's not flashy, then there's no point! Well then! D: How 'bout that course of life--to go out with Style gee what would he say about Rem's... (So that's the kind of adrenaline 'ticket' BDN chooses to live by, enough that he drags everyone else into it...!)

Ch06: 'Die Hards'

We learn BDN likes gutsy people who meet his flashiest standards (enough that he kills people who're literally true to their word! or who meet their most honorable/'beautiful' end to his liking), that the boy argues he was only here to take care of the ship's defenses (putting everyone to sleep) as his deal to make way for BDN's arrival....and that the ship belongs to kid's father, so he absolutely does NOT agree with BDN's choice of 'end' destination for it!!! D: (also really cool art shift to a sketchy graphite style for how grave of a matter this is for the boy's resolute stance to not destroy the ship.) This display is absolutely not to BDN's liking, so the kid's dangerously pushing his luck towards an untimely death-beating. Kid, you're gonna get yourself killed! (even the other grunts can see that!)

And now I have no clue how Vash made it outside to climb his way up to the bridge (maybe that was the fastest route!) but he makes his cool Big Damn Hero moment arriving just in the nick of time to save the kid from BDN's killing blow, by shooting through the windshield (while hanging upside down!) and swinging in through the broken window with Style~ (also lmao he grabs some of the grunts' guns to keep those guys back using his other hand) He keeps his eyes focused on BDN from behind as he beckons the kid over to him, and BDN's sneaky enough to try a reverse shot from behind as more of his goons come in too, that I honestly can't quite tell if Vash actually reacted fast enough to dodge or feign the impact of getting shot to make a big display jumping backwards out the window to escape with the kid. :O His expression next panel (while grabbing the kid who's screaming in confusion) looks like he's fine, like Vash did it on purpose (either way, BDN looks jazzed for more), but then the two of them aren't fine flailing around outside getting pelted by incoming crashing rocks!

MEANWHILE, Meryl & Milly sneakily trap and beat up some goons in the dark to...?! 👀 (Plus, the guy's weird comment probably refers to the scent of a women's perfume or soap nearby, since all they're used to is their sweaty greasy dirty bucket suits, hah. :P)

Back 'safely' inside, Vash and the kid's interactions are so goofy, like Vash is annoyed and sassing how the kid's kind of an ungrateful brat :P (drilling him some manners to say thank you!) But when he learns the Steamer's on a crash course towards Doom, and the kid starts moping in regret for what he's done to his father's dream (selling the ship to BDN for some quick cash, for things to have ended up like this...) with some self-depreciating, shameful, almost fatalistic ways of thinking (when the kid is actually quite skilled/talented)...Vash butts in both berating and motivating the kid to keep his (their) head in the game in times like this. Cause it's not over yet (their 'destination' can still be changed!) and they've still got a job to do--to try and save/stop the ship! Schooling your spirits to stay strong (determined!) and focused on task to survive...that's basically the reassuring ~vibe~ Vash gives off here. :'3

Ch07: 'Rem'

Interesting how BDN has plans to bail early from the ship before it meets its 'end' rather than going down in a glorious bang along with everyone in it....(hmm hmm, curious Rem contrast~)

Vash makes his way thru the ship taking out goons as he goes, while the kid helps him navigate the fastest route after commandeering the ship's communications room. Eavesdropping on everything happening while relaying the safest directions to Vash thru his special pen-earring radio receiver (old lost technology!! so it seems his earring does serve a practical purpose besides cosmetic) EVENTUALLY though, it seems BDN cleverly figures all this out, enough to lead Vash right into a trap (ambush) waiting for him inside the bridge. The boy had warned Vash not to underestimate the gang--or all of humanity for that matter, as tricks and betrayals like this are all-too common. (So did the kid know this? and lead Vash right into this trap despite his trust? Or was it all BDN's doing and the kid's innocent. Either way, there's something interesting to be said here about who you can trust.)

But one of the biggest takeaways this chapter is that Vash isn't perfect. As even he can slip up to mistakenly shoot more damage than he intended, enough that he gets shot/injured too. :') But in classic Vash fashion, he's more worried about the other guy he shot (he's not about to let anyone die), rather than tending to his own wound. He chooses to take care of others before himself. But the kid berates him for this, how this kind of irrational 'hero' behavior is only going to get himself killed if he keeps this up.

BUT STILL, even if Vash concedes he looks rather foolish/pathetic at this stuff (hmmm those self-pity/depreciation vibes...) he stresses he still does all this (protects life) as a promise to Rem. It's because of her that anyone on this planet is still alive, so he's going to do everything in his power to ensure her legacy faithfully lives on too. (So her sacrifice for humanity isn't in vain...) That even if mistakes happen, you can still turn things around and start over again to change the course (destination) of your life. Reiterating Rem's very same words/advice to him we saw from his dreams--preaching her belief like a mantra to call forth morale: their 'tickets to the future are always blank.'

Ch08: 'Duelists'

I see this is where Vash's coat gets pelted full of bullet holes! (tattered coat tail aesthetic incoming~) Standing firm in the face of the showering onslaught. The boy gets caught too (so looks like yeah, his directions to Vash were innocent) that BDN commends how far their little ragtag team's gotten, but....tsk tsk "reality isn't so beautiful." OHHHHHH---god, cause remember the whole dreams vs reality thing back with Rem? About which one's idealistic and beautiful vs the one that's terribly harsh and dry?? Aaaa, cause Vash already knows (and feels) living this harsh 'reality' at his core, despite how much he chooses to believe in Rem's dreams too. :')) So he can't be about to die here, is he!?

But what's this? Just when you might've forgotten about the girls, SURPRISE!! Once again they come as (disguised) reinforcements to Vash's aid! 8'D Derringer Meryl & Stungun Milly to his rescue again~ (Just like in the first arc!) Breaking the tension. Hah, it's funny how Meryl 'reminds' Vash to be his 'kind, responsible, peace-loving' adult self again :P to focus his timely priority on stopping the ship. Like she's the one nagging him this time to keep his head in the game, while also announcing his title to everyone else in the entire room. (?! whoa was that wise? now especially BDN knows who he is.)

Curiously, the only thing BDN wants to confirm about him is whether Vash is truly the one responsible for July's destruction, and if so, how did he manage that feat without leaving any bodies/corpses behind? (Oho, and Vash wonders if he's asking for the sake of any lost family...interesting empathetic approach. 👀) But here we see that Vash doesn't know, cause he doesn't remember anything (oop, amnesia~) aside from the debris... Our mysteries still stand. But I like how BDN kinda...takes this as a word of honor, man-to-man kinda deal, promising Vash's request to stop the ship if Vash wins their duel....right outside on the deck!

~Fancy moves~ though, because upon the start of the coin toss, Vash moves behind some flying rocks to shoot and destroy BDN's hidden shoulder guns (his dynamos)...only, ulp! That movement only rips open Vash's previous gut wound. Which BDN notices. Enough that he shoots away any more rubble from crushing Vash (sparing him) as he collapses. Apparently, Vash risking it all even while not at full strength, was enough for BDN to appreciate and honorably concede defeat. Vash's 'flashiness' wins BDN's approval~ ...But the accelerating and dangerously overheating ship still needs to be stopped!!! D:

Ch09: 'Between Wasteland and Sky'

lmao at Meryl grumbling she wants some extra indulgent job compensation to buy herself a fancy prada purse after all this trouble~ ...To listing more and more fancy indulgent things as their situation just goes from bad to worse. :'D IF they can make it out of here alive in one piece without the ship exploding!!! Hah, so shall the ship explode first or fall & crash into the upcoming ravine....even those stakes make Vash's gut-wound hurt all over again~ :P He jokes, he jokes, but still...his wounds close up pretty fast without any obvious...patching up required, even the boy notes that's kinda odd--is Vash really ok? 👀

Still, the Steamer has problems that need to be resolved in two places for stopping it to effectively work. (Basically manually releasing the pressure valve for the brakes, and containing/cutting off the engine's power from overloading the Plant.) The boy wants to take responsibility for allowing this--and the deaths of the ship's crew on his hands, to happen (interestingly, Vash watches all this silently with a knowing look 👀) so even alongside the distrustful crew, the boy's off to take care of one problem the only way he can, while Vash is off to 'babysit' an unruly/selfish 'little girl' from throwing an explosive tantrum~

God, we see some our first up-close Plant fuckery explained--as in a power plant (not leafy garden variety plant, although geo-plants that make greenery for terraforming are a variety shown later in this volume) much like a nuclear reactor or generator, that's able to create things (energy, resources, matter) in a way that surpasses all known physical law. But they're a species of organic creature, harnessed as lost technology, such that no one really understands how they work, and the biggest spooky thing is how they resemble 'the messengers of god' 👀👀 like biblical angels taking feminine form in full body horror glory, while humans are basically co-dependent on these mysterious Plants to even survive on this planet! Whew!

Anyway Vash looks resolutely and suspiciously calm despite all the screaming noise and imminent, critical danger...👀 and also interestingly yes, he refers to the Plant as a 'her' - as a sister with personhood (opposed to an 'it') he treats just as gently as he would any other human in pain or distress. :')) I remember when I first read this part, I was so curiously, morbidly spooked and hooked like 👀👀👀 wondering what in the world Vash even is. What is he even doing!!! Especially with the teasing flare of wings like he's an angel, able to calm down and resonate with such a creature in ways beyond our understanding~ He said he could only 'hold' her for another 4mins, which looks to be temporarily suspending both their heartbeats & breathing rates in tune, almost like within in a trance.

But even with the Plant contained and the brakes finally engaged, it might not be enough to stop in time! GUESS WHO comes in clutch keeping his promise to Vash: BDN himself, ramming his car into the side of the Steamer's hull, to smash it into the side of the canyon just in time before falling off the cliff. So interestingly, all 3 guys--the kid (who almost burned himself), Vash (stopped his heart to contain a nuclear meltdown), and BDN (willingly crashed his car) all made some bold, risky, self-sacrifice plays to cooperatively bring the ship to a halt. :'D (In Stampede, it took the 3 combined roles of Vash, Meryl, and Wolfwood staying on board with some risky moves to stop the ship together too.) Woohoo!! Their course's final destination had been changed~

Ah! Now just how sweet and symbolically fitting it is, that the ending notes to this whole disaster close off with Rem's song. :')) Sung under a wide open sky... Somehow, even the young boy knows of it, that hearing it again moves Vash to tears. Cause he feels he more closely understands her core belief now, about what it means for people to go on living with hope for the future, after seeing it directly play out (and succeed) from this whole experience. Their 'tickets' on the Steamer's doomed course could be changed, with the help of people choosing to come together and work to survive this. :') Humanity can do it, and Rem traded her life believing that they could, for the chance that humanity could even have that hopeful 'blank ticket' for the future too. And I feel I better understand now, the significance of Rem being introduced in this arc that metaphorically puts her beliefs into practice. So thank you Sand Steamer arc for showing us and Vash more of the way!

[The next arc with the geo-plant mission focuses on Meryl--paralleling Vash, choosing to lead her own 'blank ticket' course in life with greater hope & confidence too! Continued here.]

[halfbakedspuds]

Characterisation through quotes

Taking the open tag from @illarian-rambling to do this.

Rules: write a quote for your character following your prompt

My prompt: Write a quote about your character/s favourite place.

I'm gonna do characters from all three my activr WIP's.

Children of the Stars

Adrian: Wow, what's my favourite place... let's see if I still remember this... Fifty-three Armfeldt Lane, floor five-oh-eight, Hab tower six, Callisto. It used to be a NASECA colonial armory some six hundred years ago. To us? Well, to clan Castellan it was simply Hémar, 'home'. Not a day passes that I don't wish I was back there, even if it would mean more gunfire and bloodshed daily than I've seen in the past six years.

Lyanni: This house, of course. Look, I don't fit in with the nobility, there isn't a Jezdeir left for me to return to, and regardless, I'm safer and happier here than I've been at any time during the last year and a half. Adrian can be a bit of an ass from time to time, but I'd rather argue with him out of boredom and spite than have my rights taken away because some gods-forsaken priest took offence to... my breathing, I guess, I don't know. And besides, the little shit is kinda endearing in his own thorny way.

Wilhelm: My favourite place? I... I confess that I do not know. My whole life has been spent either in places I hated or places I never want to go back to. Now that I'm free? Free to explore and live and do whatever else it is free people do with their lives, I'll let you know when I find it.

The Tempest Prince

Jason: The Archives. The Ordo Magos used to warn archivists and researchers to pack camping gear and rations whenever they went in there. My binge reading and exploration of that place is the sole reason that the Magi have set up lodgings and psychonet spell circles at regular intervals in that place. I don't know whether that's impressive or a sign that I need an intervention.

Alex: You're asking the walker of worlds what his favourite place is? You know, I've seen realities so bizarrely beautiful that they defy human language. Have you ever seen the Roses bloom under the skies of Neureich? Or the endless expanse of old mother night from the orbit of New Iernia? To you, this is all gibberish, but to me they are memories, and to pick a favourite would be a defilement thereof.

Helga: The lowveld in Southern Africa. I once went there on a trip with those two idiots and their mother. Beautiful place, so much more alive and vibrant than Allyria, yet quiet enough to get one's head on straight. To this day, I'll catch a lantern over that-a-way whenever I need to calm down or think. Just watchimg that sunrise is almost meditative.

Echoes of Shadows

Johan: The Zelver Frontier in Zuurveldt. Contrary to what people think, it's not all salt pans out west, in fact it can be downright mesmerizing when those dry hills bloom in early spring. When I still lived on the farm, we used to always take the day the flowers bloomed off. Ha! I guess once a country boy, always a country boy, hey?

Anastasia: When is not wartorn hellscape, Ulyenski forests hold certain... calming appeal to me.

Maire: Th'market square in Rodrickstown. As much as A' 'ate Angeheim an' 'ated livin' in th'Kingdom, Ye've got tae admit tha' our people know how tae do street markets right.

Hans: when I first moved to Neureich, the first thing they warned us about was that a field of Roses is a sign to stay away from an area. I thought nothing of it until I survived my first hellstorm and had watched those things in the storm tear apart my posse only for a field of Roses to spring up in the wake of that hell. Turns out Roses are a sign that an area is susceptible to hellstorms. There's something morbidly poetic and beautiful about such horrible violence being the catalyst for such beauty.

Sasha: Honestly? My old bunk back in Rostov. Never thought I'd say that but I honestly miss not having to sleep on a grimy couch in some foreign port city.

Tagging whomever wants it. Your prompt is: Write a quote about your characters best memory

[anditvanisheslikemist]

Literally everything you write with sick Ian is great so that’d be my preference!

Thank you for the prompt!!

(re: this post... and the offer still stands if anyone else wants to make a request!)

Set at some point after this angsty thing. Here's the link to all of the World Above stuff. :-)

You can read this fic below or on AO3.

. . . . .

"How was the show?" Josh leans his head back against the couch, and Finley takes the opportunity to shove his nose into Josh's face and start licking him enthusiastically.

"Finn! Hiii, puppy," Ian coos.

Josh laughs. "Yeah, he's always gonna win out, huh?"

"Mm, maybe." Ian turns away from the camera to cough.

Kate comes around the back of the couch to get in frame as well. "Hi, Ian."

"Kate!" Ian's eyes light up, but his voice wavers a little bit when he says, "Ah, I miss you guys."

"We miss you too." Kate tips her head against Josh's and frowns a little. "You okay? You look really tired."

"Yeah." Ian rolls his shoulders and grimaces. "I dunno. I used to be better at sleeping in motels. Or tour buses, god."

"Or that frickin' van?" Josh raises his eyebrows.

"I do not miss that," Ian agrees, and turns aside to cough again.

The stove timer beeps, and Kate sits back up. "Ah, I've got to get that. Take care of yourself, okay?"

Ian nods, still coughing, and waves as she heads for the kitchen.

"Ian," Josh says, in a way that's synonymous with oh, buddy.

"I'm okay." He's sounding kind of hoarse. "It was loud at the bar."

"Hmm."

Ian scrunches up his nose, then scrubs at it with his fist, but he can't stop it when his breath catches and builds into a strong h'ET-schiew! "Oh," he mutters, scrubbing at his nose some more. "Fuck."

"Bless you."

Ian groans and lets himself fall sideways onto the pillows of his motel bed.

"I have to play tomorrow." Now that he's started, he can't stop sniffling.

"Not if you're sick, you don't."

"Not sick," he says, but it's more of a pout than anything.

"It's not like before," Josh says gently, running a hand through Finley's fur. They'd played through all kinds of shit. Before. He wonders if it'll ever go back to being like that, or if this is just how it's going to be from now on.

"I know." Ian scrubs at his nose with the flat of his palm. "I just…" He shakes his head, not meeting Josh's eyes through the phone.

Josh gives him a minute. "Yeah?"

"I just thought we'd all be here together." His sniffle this time is emotion as much as illness. "I mean, not here in this motel playing at some random bar. But like." He bites his lip. "Here."

"I know." They'd been working on it, slowly and uncertainly. And then the whole world had shut down. He wants to tell Ian that it'll happen, that they can try again at trying again, even after all this time. There are just too many unknowns. The state of the world, for one. And the fact that they've all got stuff going again. Danny's producing out in Oakland. Lauren's started streaming online, sometimes music and sometimes video games and sometimes just talking about whatever's on her mind. Nate and Ellie are having another baby. Josh had moved his guitar lessons to Zoom and for the most part kept them there, and the idea of leaving the safety of his life with Kate and Finn to go back out on the road seems too overwhelming to even think about right now.

Ian, though. Ian's never been good at staying in one place. He'd gone back to touring as soon as it was reasonably safe. He's happier now, for sure, but sometimes just as lonely as when he'd been stuck in his apartment. More so, given how many roommates he'd been squeezed in with at the time.

"Hey," Josh says, gentle. "Tell me about the show."

That gets him a little bit of a smile. "It was good." He swipes at his nose with the back of his hand. "There were these girls who drove three hours to come."

"Wow."

"Yeah. And I wrote some new stuff." He shrugs, suddenly shy. "It went over pretty good."

"Send it to me, I want to hear it." For so long, Josh would've been there, in the hotel room and the tour bus, hearing the song come together bit by bit, rather than hearing about it after the fact.

"Okay." It's just a whisper. There are tears in Ian's eyes. Finn whines at the phone and tries to lick the screen.

"You're getting puppy kisses from Finley."

"Thanks, Finn." He sniffs, and coughs, and rubs at his forehead.

"How're you feeling? Seriously," he adds, when it looks like Ian's going to say he's fine.

Ian shrugs. "Like I'm getting sick." He coughs again. "I don't know. My head hurts. And my throat."

"Do you feel like you have a fever?" If he does, it's low. He's not glassy-eyed and rosy-cheeked, he's just exhausted and sniffly and sad. Past experience says he's hanging out somewhere right around the tipping point between warm and feverish.

Ian considers for a second, and then shivers. "I'm kinda cold. A little achy, maybe."

"Get under the covers."

"It's too early to go to…hhh…k'TCHHH! to go to sleep." He wriggles around anyway until the comforter's pulled up to his chin. He absentmindedly wipes his nose on it and Josh flinches.

"You're the reason I don't trust hotel sheets."

"Oh. Sohhh… h'NGT!choo…" Caught in the bedding again. He doesn't finish the apology, just sort of stares into the middle distance past the phone.

"Bless you." Josh sighs. "Okay, who's letting tomorrow's venue know you're out, you or me?"

"No," Ian says, voice wavering again.

"Yes." This move from Ian like he's pushing his forehead into his pillows, and Josh knows that if Ian were here he'd be doing that move against Josh's shoulder right now. "I can do it. The info's in your business email?" Josh has had access for years, but it's been a while since he needed to step in.

Ian nods miserably. "And we need to get you a test— yes, even if you're sure that's not what this is— and some groceries, and meds, some nice tissues. And extend your motel reservation."

Kate's been listening from the kitchen, and she comes to sit on the couch with Josh and Finley. "We've got it, Ian. Text me your grocery requests."

"I'll do the reservation at the same time I call the venue," Josh says. It's the sort of thing that would have sent him anxiety-spiraling five years ago. Now, here at home with Kate and Finn, it feels easy. An act of love.

"I can't." Ian's shaking a little bit, now; exhaustion and frustration and that little bit of fever.

"It's okay." Kate's voice is reassuring. "Having to cancel for being even just a little sick is just part of the deal now. Everyone will understand."

The kitchen timer goes off again and Kate gets up to turn off the stove and put the finishing touches on dinner.

"We'll work on all that," Josh says. "Call me back in an hour or two if you want."

"Okay." Now that he's under the covers, his eyes are starting to close.

"I think Lauren's streaming tonight, so if you can't get her on the phone you can always show up in the chat."

Ian laughs at that. It turns into a cough. "Everyone always freaks out when I do that."

"The best medicine." For Ian, it really is. He needs attention the way a plant needs water and sunlight. It's not an insult, it's just the truth: he wilts and fades without it, and when he gets it again, he straightens up. Fills out. Comes back to life.

"Hmm." Ian's already perking up a little bit at the thought. "I guess I could do that."

"Good." More screen kisses from Finn. "Finley says he loves you. Talk to you soon."

"Okay." A small but genuine smile. "Thanks, Josh."

He smiles back. "Any time."

[thunderheadfred]

Life stuff update!

Haven't posted about this first bit anywhere because... wow personal, but it's been a majority chunk of life lately.

Husband put in his notice at his current teaching job a while back. He's been working there for 8 years and is supposedly one of their most valued teachers, yet he barely takes home $100 more per paycheck than when he started. Plus our insurance is insane, taking most of his check every month whilst covering literally fucking nothing (we are still paying off my doctor-ordered biopsy!). PLUS his commute is fucking ludicrous - in the winter he regularly drives over 3 hours a day to a shit job that doesn't pay anything. I barely see him for a hour or two each day during the school year.

Bio clock is ticking, just saying. Never really had that baby-wanting impulse until very recently, and there was absolutely zero possibility of us starting a family while he's at this job. No money, no time, no medical support.

So. Bye. After talking to a therapist to help us through the plunge, we finally decided enough was enough.

He doesn't have another job lined up after summer school, so in August we have zero certain income. Neither off us is particularly panicked about this; the hiring wave for fall teaching positions has yet to happen, and there are several things he can do even if he can't find a full-time job at a local district.

What's looking most likely is actually that he'll juggle part-time jobs for a while. Subbing or other work at a district he's interested in will help him get a foot in the door, meanwhile an afternoon or weekend cashier job at the co-op down the street (where I used to work) has some distinct benefits. First off, he could WALK to work, and the co-op offers higher hourly rates and better promotional opportunities than his current "salaried" teaching job. Add on a big discount at the place where we buy most of our groceries anyway...

Anyway. That's been a lot.

Meanwhile I've been doing the housewife thing. Which actually entails more than just "chores" - I've been doing a huuuuge amount of work on my mental and physical health. I've lost 40 pounds (with 60+ to go) and have completely changed my eating, which has helped immeasurably with CFS, Depression, and life in general. I've started socializing again after years of serious, life-altering anxiety. Basically, I'm getting my life back. Or maybe getting my life for the first time? I was so mentally ill for so long that this really feels like the first time I've been genuinely balanced... maybe ever?

Whether that new peace of mind encourages me back into fandom I have no idea. Fandom social mores seem to have shifted over the years. Maybe it's just the glimpses I see now and then, but the Internet as a whole doesn't seem too anonymous or even like... baseline compassionate for anyone anymore. That's probably a matter of what you make of it, but even so, I'd be lying if I said spending my time in fandom spaces hasn't lost most of its personal appeal. I've been much happier offline, so that's where I've been. I do miss my friends, and I wish they lived down the street and not inside the scary computron. It'd be great to write again, but my interest in fandom work might be over. I'll never say never, but right now I just don't see it. Maybe someday I finally get back into the habit; but it's gonna happen in its own time if it does.

Lately I've been working on my YouTube thing, though where that'll end up nobody knows. It's certainly not a serious money-making prospect, nor am I aiming to make it one. YouTube actually scares the ever-loving shit out of me, so it's pretty much a deliberate mental health exercise. My whole attitude toward it has been "stress less, make more." So I treat it kind of like a journal of the nail shit that has taken over my life (lolllll), and a chance to pay forward all the relaxation I've gotten over the years watching Nail YouTube. It'd be nice if I could eventually have enough subs to maybe pay for some nail supplies or get some free PR or something, but that's about as ambitious as I get.

Okay my fingers are tired

love you byyyyyeeeeeeeeee

[caramelmachatwo]

bye 2023

it's new year's eve!!! and of course i will write abt it. i wanna give thanks to everyone that has been part of my year — especially to people who remind me why i continue to be kind. most of my life, i've lived timidly and afraid. it made making friends, trying out new things, and living harder than it already is, even talking was hard. thankfully, this year was full of love, courage, and hope. :)

i started to not care about everything, about everyone. all that mattered was how i felt. i did pretty scary things like; took counseling, transferred to a new school, fall in love, turned down opportunities, i even started to write this. seeing where i am now, i'm super different than who i was a year ago, and i couldn't be happier that i've changed, everything has changed. i would like to thank my friends, sobra sobra sobra. i don't say it enough, but the whole reason why i love to love others is because of u guys <3. i learned how to love myself because the people around me never made it seem impossible, it was certainly hard but that just made me even more stubborn in giving up in loving others. to my mom & dad, thank u for being so patient, i believe that we're meant for each other as a family. thank u for raising me to never forget to thank god for all that i have. to those who are able to read this, please read it with care, i entrust the world enough for it to be read by the right people and come across the audience it is meant for, wow, so silly AWJEIAWJE happy new year! take all the risk, cherish all the love, drink all the beer 🍻

[lightkrets312]

Hey thanks for responding to my tags!! Had a fun and terrifying time reading about Michigan Lefts. Is that a solution because there are no traffic lights there? And I'm glad y'all have cloverleaf interchanges (..as Wikipedia says), though the roundabout thing is so bizarre, I can't imagine having to stop each time at those 7 I pass and, yk, wait to go bc it's a normal intersection. But they're small roundabouts - the ones in Paris with 6 lanes and no lines on the road terrify me as well.

Also very unreal that you don't have normal tax and bank transfer things. You'd think the government wants to make it easy for you, same with your bank.. but it's probably a sign of how it developed historically compared to here in West-Europe. Still, wow. Wouldn't a bank be loved by their customers if they allow direct transfers?? Seems like a great business move? But maybe your banks aren't national and more per state, or the banks refuse to work together a little?

(Also. I don't even drink tea but kettles are great if you need bouillon in a recipe or want to get hot pasta/rice water faster than just heating the water on your stove. Does a tap stove give boiling hot water then? I had never seen one in my life!!)

Cannot wait to visit America one day and experience the culture shock bc it seems like there's so much that's normal to me that's completely different there! Have you been to an European country before?

Hi! So I'm gonna run through the ask and answer as I read, there's a LOT of words here! Keep in mind I'm one perspective and have mainly lived in one state my whole life (anxiety Michigan)

-Michigan Lefts are ironically something I only got introduced to as an adult, and that was LONG after running into stoplights; we've got plenty of the latter, but some areas are putting in more of the former. Ironically I've seen Lefts with stoplights.

Not an expert on WHY, but I know it lowers traffic deaths and makes it so you don't have to cross a main road they decided to cut in half for some godforsaken reason. I honestly prefer it over having to drive across 3-4 lanes just to turn left.

-Cloverleaf interchanges are REALLY common here! Sometimes the exits and changes get put a little too close together for comfort, but I'm an anxious driver. I don't know many other exit types tbh...

-The roundabouts I've seen over here are wild to me, but if you're gonna do an alternative four-way and keep traffic "moving", sure that works. I think I've seen circles with yield signs generally, though.

-This country... is made for profit first, not people, and that goes for the banks too. The average bank I've encountered hasn't said shit about direct transfers, and the one I use has like... a $30 overdraft fee (so if I go below zero, I get charged money). If you wanna pay a friend fast, someone needs cash or both of you need an app like venmo, no in-between.

-We just have normal hot water, but we also use a lot of pots and pans. If you want pasta you grab a pot, turn on the stove, add water to pot, and wait. A little salt helps with the boiling somehow, don't ask me how.

-Good luck over here! (/positive) If you hate traffic over there, you're not gonna be much happier with it here, but it's also unironically the best way to get around.

-(And I've been to Denmark! For somewhere "without a lot to do", I still had fun for the week I was there, and it's pretty enough! The parking and city maneuvering was the weirdest part, but a lot of places were built to be confusing to invaders iirc? So it makes sense that the streets are janky.)

[lukael]

it's venting time baby

tumblr still feels like the only place where I can actually properly vent, I don't wanna do it on my other platforms cause I feel like they're the more likely to get me commissions and I imagine hearing me say how much I fucking hate drawing isn't exactly good for business

and honestly I fucking hate that I can't actually say how I really feel in fear of not getting commissions, makes me feel like a FOOL but anyways

I do not enjoy drawing :)

I don't find it fun, I don't find it fulfilling, and I'm still fighting with myself over that fact, because I've been really happy since quitting my job 2 years ago, so it's easy to feel like it's because drawing makes me happier, but I really think it's just that I hate the idea of doing any other job EVEN MORE.

I don't think I'm good at it, I don't think I'm ever really gonna be great at it, and when Audrey asks me "why do you need to be great at it", I don't really know what to say. I don't have the answer. Trying to do something without being able to is just the most frustrating feeling in the fucking world, and it's something I'm putting myself through daily by pursuing art, like I'm just not good at it lol

so fucking tired of hearing people say "no you're totally good at it omg you're so talented!" like.... I APPRECIATE THAT, I really do, like yeah I can create moderately competent looking images on occasion, to some that's an impressive skill, or that's sufficient, cool. It's not good enough for me lol I would like to either: enjoy the process of drawing (I do not) or to create really great looking art (I do not)

bad enough that I hate it, but I also hate the process of having to constantly be looking for job opportunities with book companies, trying to advertise for commissions, never really getting enough to pay the bills for the month, like.... social medias are only getting more and more shit, so that's not helping, but even before that, I've never found any success online (probably cause the art sucks lol)

some days I'm debating just going to work at Subways or some shit, cause then at least I'd be making minimum wage lol which is a hella lot more than I'm making right now, but doing a student entry level job at 34 wouldn't be great for my morale I think lol plus I would hate that work too, so idk... call me lazy I guess, I just don't wanna work lol

Praying to the fuckin heavens every day that my channel can pick up in traffic so I can monetize it, cause even though I don't think I'm funny or interesting or entertaining in those videos, at least I have fun doing those. Getting to do this stuff full time would literally be a dream come true cause then I wouldn't be forced to fucking draw. I could actually like, maybe just draw for fun and somehow try to reconnect with what it is that led me to start drawing in the first place 30 something years ago

It sucks cause my parents are probably so proud of me when I say "hey guys I'm doing it I'm a freelance illustrator going on 2 years now!" I bet they tell their friends like wow look how my son is doing so well! not really knowing I've lost thousands of dollars of savings in those two years because I'm not making jack shit because I still price my commissions like I was 17 year old just starting in the damn art world

but I can't price comms any higher because A) I wouldn't get any and B) I can't in good conscience charge any higher for this garbage I'm making, I sure as fuck wouldn't pay that amount for the shit I draw. And that's with people not even knowing how much I hate it the whole time lol oh shit that's probably bad for business to say here too huhhhhhhhhh hey guys don't mind me my commissions are open, check my carrd for more info!!! :)

if anyone is unlucky enough to be reading this, probably thinking "luk if you hate drawing so much why not just do some other job" well see thats because I've painted myself into this fucking corner, and in my entire life have been so stubborn about drawing that I haven't amassed any other skill or interest, so there's no other job I could be doing, it just has to be this now, because I need to make money somehow so I can eat and pay rent, so might as well be with this thing I'm kinda sorta okay at even though it's fucking pulling teeth at this point

anyways

[polillalegacyarchive]

"Oh..."

That's all Isi could say for a minute.

Rory probably felt the change in the mood because she backtracked quickly:

"I'm sorry, I didn't think it'd be a bad question, let's just move on from that!"

"No, it's okay, I'm just surprised you know about this song..."

Rory gave her a hesitant look. "I just asked around after I found out you were going to play at the festival next week and they said that was the most eagerly awaited song, so I figured it was good."

"It is. It's one of my greatest tracks to date..."

All Isidora could think was that Wes had promised that she would play the song next week.

"Fuck..."

She let her head fall into her hand, but before she could start overthinking, Rory gently put her arms around her and was saying softly: "Hey, whatever it is, we can fix it."

Isi couldn't help but laugh half-heartedly. She wasn't sure there was something to fix. She just had to get over herself. But with Rory's warmth surrounding her like this, she almost wished there was something to be done. She lifted her head to look straight into Rory's eyes.

"Thank you."

"For what?" Laughed Rory, slowly letting go.

Isi didn't answer. They were close enough to feel each other's breaths once more. This time, she's the one who put space between them again. Rory didn't seem to question it and repositioned accordingly.

"So…" Isi chose her words carefully, studying Rory's face as she explained: "I wrote this song about never really fitting in anywhere. I was feeling stuck in Del Sol and invisible. It's about finding the strength to fly when you're pinned down."

"Celebrating differences, being proud not to fit in, all that."

"Sounds like a good one." Rory nodded, smiling as she said it.

"It is. But my ex stole it."

"Huh?"

Isi was expecting confusion but she couldn't help a small chuckle at the purely stunned expression on Rory's face.

"I made her sing some choruses and then I put the song together, thinking it could be a cool thing to share with her. Instead, she decided to simply publish the song under her own name. Barely gave me any recognition."

"Can she do that?"

"Not really."

"Wes and I are fighting it. It looks like we'll win, but you never know, I might have lost the song for ever..."

"She sounds like a bitch, no offense."

Isi chuckled at that.

"Mmmh, she is... Now, I answered your question. I feel like I'm owed a back story."

Night time had definitely fallen now, the whole forest seemed to be waiting to know if Rory would open up.

"Ask me whatever you want, honey, but be warned, my life hasn't been very interesting until five days ago."

Isi let out a full laugh when she understood that was referring to the day they had met.

In response, she heard a deep satisfied sound coming straight from Rory's chest, followed by a candid: "I think I've just found my purpose in life" as she let herself fall back on the wood.

"Have you always lived here?" Isi asked, lying back as well, watching the stars come out.

"No, I grew up on the east coast, moved here about 10 years ago."

"Are you happier here?"

"Wow, going in for the deep questions right away I see!" Rory dodged, a smile in her voice.

TO BE CONTINUED...

[johnkrrasinski]

started from a call

full masterlist

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x female!reader

Word count: 3,610

Warning: angst with a happy ending! that's all.

Summary: written for @wkemeup's 9k writing challenge with the prompt "character a leaves an embarrassing, drunk message on character b’s voicemail and spends the rest of the night trying to discreetly delete it from [b]’s phone." inspired by a bit of ross and rachel from friends too. you found out from steve that bucky was in love with you in high school but after he returns home with a girl in his arm, you cancelled your plans to tell him how you feel. will you and bucky have your happy ending?

a/n: please like, reblog and leave a feedback. :) enjoy!

"Alright, I'll see you tonight. Bye." He leaned against the kitchen counter and hung up the phone with a grin on his face. "You hear that, Sam? We're going on our third date tonight." He threw his phone up into the air and caught it so casually without spilling a drop of his coffee sitting on his right hand. "Looks like I'm getting that 300 bucks soon."

"Hey, easy. You ain't going to that date yet, who knows? She could bail on you. It doesn't count if the date doesn't end well."

"Oh, but it will. I just gotta turn on my charm and next thing you know, we're already meeting the parents stage."

"Meeting the parents? That's a big step from you, Buck."

"Hey, I'm a man of my words. If I said that I'm going to change this year then I'm gonna stick to it."

"So Leah isn't just a one-time thing to get 300 bucks?"

"Maybe yes, maybe no. We'll see how tonight goes. But one thing's for sure is that I'm getting that 300 bucks."

Sam and Bucky made a bet as their New Year's resolution that Bucky would never go on a second date with any girl or remember to call her in the morning after a wild night. His commitment issues had given him a reputation as the player in the gang. It wasn't a new thing anymore to anyone that when they visited Bucky's place in the morning, they would see a girl with a dopey smile and slightly ruffled hair walking out of his apartment, giddy that Bucky just made a promise to call her later.

You, Natasha, Wanda, Sam and Steve were hanging out at Nat's place. The six of you had been friends since college. You, Nat, Bucky and Steve had known each other since high school and the four of you kept in touch despite going to separate universities. You met Wanda when you went to NYU and Steve met Sam while he was in Harvard. Long story short, after the four of you graduated, you and Wanda lived together as roommates and even started your own bakery business. Steve and Bucky lived in the same building as you and Natasha and Sam lived nearly alone. They were too independent for roommates. Don't even start on Natasha and how much she valued her personal space. That's how the six of you ended up here, gathered at your place on a Saturday afternoon.

"Are you gonna pick her up tonight?"

"Of course. Gonna clean up well, bring her some flowers and knock on her door at 7 pm precisely. Which girl isn't gonna fall for that?" Bucky walked over to the couch you and Nat were sitting on and leaned on the headrest, his arms caging both you and Natasha.

You didn't say anything nor did Natasha because she knew about your feelings for Bucky. Despite never feeling that way about Bucky in high school, your feelings changed a week ago after learning that Bucky used to be in love with you but never had the courage to tell you. That's why he never had a girlfriend during his high school years and he wanted to take you to prom and confess his feelings to you but he was too late. Another guy had already snooped in first.

You were his first love but it wasn't reciprocated until now. That's why in college, he learned how to get over you and slept with as many women as possible because he felt like he lost four years of his life of finding the one. He never intended to be a player and feed girls empty promises, it just kind of became his way of dating. He was too afraid that no one could live up to you yet he enjoyed being with women. Hence, the bet.

The day you found out from Steve about Bucky's past feelings for you while playing truth or dare, you immediately wanted to call him up but Bucky was out of town for a few days and as soon as he was back home, he had Leah in his arm. Your heart was crushed. Wanda told you that it would probably last for a few days and that he'd eventually be single again but you totally did not expect this thing to turn into something serious. You loved Sam with every fibre of your being, he was like the big brother you never had, but you wanted to curse him for making that bet.

So you just rolled your eyes and stayed silent throughout this entire conversation, even though your heart felt like it was being stabbed over and over again. "Alright, I gotta go. Got a big date tonight. I'll see you guys in a few hours." Just like that, Bucky walked out of the room without knowing the pain his words caused you.

The next day you were sitting in your bed watching The Notebook in your pyjamas because you were too heartbroken to do anything productive. It was Sunday so you could just have a whole day to yourself and do absolutely nothing but cry. Wanda knocked on your door bringing a plate of cookies and she had a pitiful look on her face. "y/n? Sweetie? I made you these cookies, they might make you feel better." Sometimes you thank the stars for bringing her into your life.

"Thank you, Wanda. You're so nice to me." You know you probably sound like a hormonal whiny kid but everything made you cry at the moment.

"Do you need anything else? I know how it feels to get your heartbroken, trust me. When me and Vision had a fight and we didn't talk for days all I wanted was to curl up and never leave my bed, so in case you need anything, I'm here." She offered you that warm smile of hers.

"No, all I want right now is to just eat these cookies and go back to my film, thanks Wan."

"Okay, I'll be outside." Your pity party was interrupted when Nat arrived in her leather jacket and burst into your room.

"Get up, you are taking a shower and you're getting that face beat."

"Natasha, what the hell? Leave me alone."

"Y/N, listen to me. I got a date for you. His name is Scott and he's a real nice guy, he's funny, he's a good friend of mine and he is really smart. He is so much better than Bucky, I promise you. Now c'mon, I already told him that you are meeting him tonight at Stark's restaurant at 7."

You whined, doing anything you can to get her to leave you alone with your tears and your cookies but you knew that once Natasha set her mind on something, there's no talking her way out of it. Damn that woman with her determination.

"Y/N, c'mon! Wallowing all day isn't you. I know you and what's good for you. That's why I found you a great guy who will charm you so good that you will forget Barnes even existed. You can't let him win, y/n. If he's going to be happy with someone else, then you better show him that you can be much happier with other people."

You stared at her, trying to absorb her words. There's some wisdom in that. You're not the type to cry over a guy, not even for even Bucky Barnes. So you let Natasha drag you to the shower and asked Wanda to do your hair when she does your makeup. She chose an outfit for you, a dress that was not too sexy but chic enough to leave a good first impression.

Scott was early to the restaurant and he looked elated to see you. He was wearing a grey suit with no tie and he had a really exuberant smile on his face, the type that drew people easily. You could see why Natasha called him a nice guy.

"Wow, sorry, I just- didn't expect you to be this beautiful."

"Ah, thank you, Scott. Have you been waiting long?"

"No, not at all. I just arrived here like five minutes ago."

The night went on and Scott did most of the asking and talking, you answered each question curtly with forced enthusiasm in your face and body language. You weren't even listening to half of the things he said because your mind kept playing images of Bucky with Leah and how you heard from Sam that the date went well so he lost 300 bucks. You kept thinking about Bucky and Leah and how they would probably get married and have kids and live in the suburbs with a golden retriever while you'd still be single and you'd compare every man you meet to Bucky. Maybe it was your karma for not reciprocating his feelings in high school.

Five glasses of wine and you spent more time nodding than talking. Honestly, all you wanted to do was to just go home and go back to The Notebook because their love story was much better than your love life. Scott woke you out of your daze, "Natasha told you that I was cuter than this, did she?" after you gulped your sixth glass of wine.

"Oh Scott, I'm so sorry. It's not you, it's me. I know it sounds cliche but it's just... I'm not in a place where I'm looking for a boyfriend. You are a really likeable guy and I swear, if we had met at another time, maybe I would be a better date but right now, I just- I have someone else in my mind." You sighed, it felt like a relief to get that off your chest.

"Is this guy... an ex-boyfriend?"

You chuckled, "no... He wishes."

Scott nodded, "look, I don't know what your situation is but I've been through a divorce and it's never easy. But eventually, you'll be fine. You can't see it now because you haven't had closure." Then it was as if the bulb above your head was turned on.

"That's it.  Closure, yeah. That's all I need. Okay, give me a minute. I'm gonna call him now and I'm going to get my closure."

Scott sat there watching you comically trying to find your phone in your purse and tapped on Bucky's contact number. The normal you would be sweating with every ring but intoxicated you had no worries in the world... For now.

"This is Bucky. Can't pick up right now, leave a message." Beep.

"Hello, yes, Bucky! Or James, should I call you James? I always thought Bucky was a weird name. Anyways, I'm just calling to tell you that I am fine and I am on a date with Scott. And speaking of dates, I just gotta tell you that I'm happy to hear that your date went well. And that, my friend, means that I am over you. That's right, I'm over you. Tell Leah I say hi." You said sarcastically.

You hung up the phone and threw your phone back into your purse. You felt like you just won a chess game.

The next morning you decided to sleep in because your heart was pounding and you could barely sit up without feeling like you might fall. You were supposed to be working at the bakery but since you owned the bakery, Wanda let you sleep it off until you recover. You couldn't remember anything from last night, how you got back to your apartment was a mystery. You tried to put the pictures together, from being forced to go on a date, meeting a guy named Sean? Simon? Sebastian? Scott! Yes, Scott. You ordered your meals and then... Nothing, it was all blurry. You weren't even sure if anything happened at all after eating your meals.

The apartment was empty because Wanda was working at the bakery and it was just you with your hangover pills. Bucky came to your apartment without knocking because Wanda told him on the phone that you were home. He greeted you with a smile and asked about your date.

"Uh, let's see. I think there was a restaurant, I know there was wine. And there's a guy, Scott and pretty much that's all I can recall."

Bucky made a yikes face. Seeing the state you were in, he could do the math (of the wine you had). You probably enjoyed the alcohol more than the guy. What a doofus, he thought. If he was the one going on a date with you, you'd definitely remember every detail from last night.

"Leah's downstairs and I'm taking her back to her place but I left my keys here last night. Have you seen it?"

"No, check the drawers. Maybe Wanda put 'em there."

"Ah, okay." He opened the drawers and found the keys to his bike.

"Did we... Speak on the phone last night?"

"Nope, my phone was dead and I didn't charge it all night so I haven't really checked it. Why?"

"Nothing, nothing. It's just... Never mind. My memories are a bit hazy right now. You should go, say hi to Leah for me."

Bucky nodded as you walked back to your room to go lie down. Your question reminded him that he should probably check his phone now because there could be work-related messages but the first thing he heard was a voicemail from you. "Oh, y/n. I got your message!"

That instantly stopped you in your tracks. Your eyes went wide and you froze. You immediately turned around and ran to grab his phone away from him. Bucky had a confused look on his face, "who's Scott?"

"Oh my God, no, Bucky, give me the phone. Give me the phone!" But it was already too late, he was already halfway through your voicemail and by the time you successfully snatched his phone out of his grasp, he had already heard every word.

Bucky stood there dumbfounded, he needed time to process everything you just said to him. "What do you- what do you mean you're over me?"

"Oh, God... Alright, um- lately, I've um- sort of, have... Feelings for you." You never had to chase a guy or confess your crush first so this felt new and my God, it was nerve-racking.

"You have feelings for me..." He said it as if he was convincing himself that his ears got it right. Bucky couldn't believe the words that just escaped through your lips, for years he had dreamed of this moment. Though never did he ever want you to make the first move but adolescent him wanted to hear you say what he'd been wanting to say to you too.

He didn't say anything for what felt like minutes and you couldn't decipher his thoughts from the look on his face. "I need to sit down," he pulled one of the dining chairs and leaned on his side in a defeated posture.

"Bucky... Please say something." You alerted him in a hushed tone, not wanting to startle him than you already did. But he didn't. He was lost at words. What the hell was he supposed to tell her?

"Look Bucky, I'm sorry for telling you this way but I had to. I just- I've been wanting to talk to you about it since you came back to New York, well- actually, since Steve told me but-"

"Whoa, Steve told you?!" He interrupted.

"Yeah, it just accidentally slipped when we were playing truth or dare..."

"Okay well," he stood up from his seat, yet he still couldn't look you in the eye. "I can't do this right now, Leah's waiting for me downstairs and I gotta go." He basically ran out of the room and slammed the door behind him, leaving you alone.

Once your hangover had begun dissipating, you decided to help Wanda at the bakery and took the night shift. She must've been exhausted from managing the bakery alone while also helping the employees in the kitchen so you told her to go home and leave it to you. The bakery's usually slower at night.

When it was nearing closing time and your employees had gone home, you decided to clean up and turned off the lights and checked everything one last time before locking the door. The bell above the door dinged and you were slightly annoyed because who the hell comes to the bakery at this hour?

"I'm sorry we're clo...sed." It was Bucky. He stood there in a black coat, with an expression you still couldn't figure out. "Bucky, what are you-"

"You have no right to tell me that you've got feelings for me." His tone was harsh, he never spoke that way to you or anyone... Ever.

"What?"

He walked closer to you, maintaining his gaze, "You can not tell me that you've got feelings for me now when I'm doing well with my life and Leah..."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I was in love with you for years! Years, y/n! And you never said and did anything and now when everything's going well you're ruining it!"

"I am ruining it?" You repeated the question because you couldn't believe what you just heard. How dare he said those hurtful things to you.

"Yes! I was doing fine with Leah and now I don't know what's going to happen with me and her anymore..."

"Yeah, well, I was doing fine before I found out that YOU were in love with me and never had the balls to tell me!" You did everything you could to not cry, you hated crying in the middle of an argument.

"Hey, it's not like I didn't try. There were your ex-boyfriends and your dates and I had to move on. I couldn't wait forever! And now, now you're too late."

"Oh, so what? You're just gonna walk away and pretend that this never happened?"

"Yes, I'm going to do exactly that and I'm going to go see Leah." He turned around like he did earlier in your apartment and left you alone once again with your heartbreak.

"Fine! Go ahead and see Leah because I don't give a fuck about cowards like you or whoever you sleep with." You slammed the door and tried everything you could to not have a breakdown here because you really hated letting an argument hurt you. You sat on one of the chairs where the customers would sit and you hid your face with your hands and cried.

Not because you just lost an argument but because of what Bucky said and it felt like you had lost Bucky before you even had him. Now there was no hope left for you and Bucky, things were too complicated.

You didn't know how long you had cried there, alone, in the dimmed lighting of your shop but after you felt like the tears had dried, you wiped the traces of your tears from your cheeks with the back of your thumb. You stood from your seat and was ready to go home. You couldn't wait to eat some leftover pizzas, take a warm shower and cry into your pillows until you fall asleep.

But when you were about to leave, you saw Bucky standing on the other side of the door, watching you through the windows with a softer expression on his face. You opened the door and Bucky instantly grabbed your waist and kissed you as if his life depended on it.

You gave in to his kiss, letting him pour every desire and yearning into your lips for as long as he wanted. You grabbed his face because you wanted him impossibly closer and you shut your eyes, letting your guard down. Because it was Bucky, and you'd known him for as long as you could remember and you both deserved this moment.

Bucky eventually pulled away until both of you were running out of air. You were breathless from his kiss, you never knew he was such a good kisser. (It's Bucky and he's had a lot of women on his bed, of course, he was excellent at it. Who were you kidding?) But now that you've had your own front-row experience, you felt a tad of possessiveness at the thought of sharing those lips or any part of him with anyone else.

"I couldn't go back to her knowing you are here alone and I had thrown away what I've wanted for as long as I could remember."

"I'm glad you came back." You pressed your foreheads and you rested your hands on his chest. You could get used to this.

"I hope it's not too late to say this but, y/n y/l/n, will you let me take you to dinner and see a movie after maybe?"

"I wasn't the one who said it's too late," you halfheartedly teased him.

"Shut up, so is that a yes or a no?"

You bit your lip and nodded, "yes. Definitely a yes." You stared into his ocean blue eyes, so deep and beautiful, you could easily get lost in it.

"y/n y/ln, I'm going to put all of your ex-boyfriends to shame."

"Hm, we'll see about that." You put your arms around his neck. Then a thought crossed your mind and your smile faded away, "what are you gonna do about Leah though?"

"I'll talk to her in the morning. Let's take you home now, yeah? It's getting late."

You bit your lip and nodded, "okay."

Ninth grade you dreamed of popular jocks and athletic seniors, but little did you know that, sometimes, the one who sincerely loved you was the book nerd who loved The Hobbit a little too much.

[manjiropie]

do whatever is in your mind.

Young Mikey x Reader!

Warn! no warnings today! enjoy!

It's not often Mikey and I have a quarrel. We do bicker here and there, but that's what happens between friends, right?

I've joined Toman for almost a year now– although I've known Manjiro for much longer. I met him through Emma, who is a big friend of mine for as long as I can remember. She was there for me at times when I felt like there was no exit, no light. She's an extremely important part of my life– of me.

I've come to realize that I have been spending more and more time near Mikey, which is not bad, I do enjoy his presence. He may look tough and intimidating but he's just like a mochi: freezing cold on the outside but melting saccharine inside. Now that I'm a part of the gang and actually get to know and participate, I've gotten closer to him. Here and there Mikey invites me out.

"So, it's like a date?" I'd smirk suggestively at him.

"In your dreams." He'd try to hide his smile and he'd look away.

However, there are a few little habits he has that tend to send me on a rage trip. I get mad easily. Things will likely set on fire quickly. It's not that I want to, but my mother is not one of the most patient people in the world and she tells me to cool down. As if.

This last week was the cherry on top.

Mikey had crossed the line. He had pissed me off in every single way possible. He pretended not to listen to me while he was eating. He would answer me in a "oh, I don't really fucking care about what you're talking about!" way. He tripped while he was laughing hysterically at something Draken had said and his pink lemonade was all over my white shirt. He drew in an assignment that was due to the next day for my math class. He told me off for no reason at all in front of everyone in the last Toman's meeting... all of that wasn't on purpose. I am aware of how incredibly short his attention spam is when it comes to not so important affairs. But, fuck, couldn't he just be a little nicer to me? At least during last week where I was having sharp cramps in my fucking uterus? Yeah, maybe he didn't know that because I try not to be so obvious. But when he told us we'd be training last thursday I almost laid on the ground in fetal position and cried for hours. I didn't! I fought and then went home and cried.

Then, this Saturday– today –he invited me to his house to hang out. Emma was with a friend and his grandfather was out of town. When he called me to his house we never did much. We'd watch TV, hang out on the couch discussing stupid stuff, we'd be on our phones... nothing so wow. It was still fun, though.

I wasn't in the best mood to leave my comfy bed but I was way less in the mood to fight him off over the phone. So I slid out of the bed and dressed the first jeans I saw laying on the end of my bed and the oversized Nirvana shirt hanging off my chair (it's actually my dad's shirt, shhh).

~

I knocked twice on his bedroom's door.

"Come in." He yelled from inside. I open the door and he's laying on the bed, his head hanging off of it and his hair is almost touching the floor. His face lit up and he rolled over so he laid on his stomach. I walk over and sit down beside him.

"What's up with the frown?" I didn't notice I was frowning to be honest. Guess the bad mood followed me here.

I shrug.

"Ugh, don't tell me you're in a bad mood." He whines. "I called you here to chill and you're already angry. What's up?" He lays on his pillow and swings his legs to place them on my lap. I huff and shove them off, getting up.

"You've been treating me like shit the whole week and now you wanna chill?" I say, more calm than I thought.

"I did not treat you like shit this week? When do I treat you like shit?" His tone was one of disbelief and confusion.

"Ah, Mikey. Embarrassing me in front of the rest of gang; spilling your drink on my school shirt, which is now stained; ignoring me or answering like you're bored..." I list them off on my fingers. "I am the one who asks, what's up with you?! God, you're always being so unpredictable, which is good sometimes but not like this! Not to me!"

I flop down on the couch, starting to get tired of this whole thing. Knowing Mikey, I know that he'll not lay down again.

"So you're the only one allowed to have bad days now?" He sits on the edge of his bed and I turn my head around lazily, uninterested, bored, like him.

"You were laughing incredibly loud with Takemitchi and Draken friday."

"You can be so annoying sometimes."

"Oh, I'm the annoying one now?" I stand up.

"If you don't like my company, why did you even come in first place?" He also stands. We don't have much height difference, but he's hardly two inches taller than me.

His voice is calm, like always. Which makes me infuriated. "Fucking hell! Does it hurt for you to apologize!?" My sudden outburst takes him on surprise, and me, too.

"I already apologized, stop whining about it."

"I'm not whining–"

"If you weren't," he walks to his desk and sets a cup that was once beside his bed down. "You would've dropped this matter before."

"You don't give a damn about what I feel, do you, Mikey?"

"What?" He turns around, brows knit together.

"You heard me. You made me have a bad week and the least you could do is apologize, you dumbass!" I stomp to his direction.

"I already did! Why don't you–"

"Shut up or I'll punch you." I say, slightly looking up.

His eyebrows twitch and he slowly tilts his head to the side, like a puppy. "Or what.. ?"

"Are you fucking deaf?" I point to my ears.

He comes a little closer. "You're gonna do what if I don't shut up?"

"I'm going to punch you if you don't stop being a brat." I sneer at him. My blood boiling. The stress from this shitty past week overflowing in that moment.

"Oh, yeah?" I could feel his breath oh my nose.

"What? Are you doubting me? I would." I jerk up an eyebrow. I've never fought physically with him. But it's not like I can't.

"I'd like to see you try." His eyes flicker to my lips for a brief second and my breath fails, making me cough.

"What? Can't punch me?" He amuses.

"Fuck you."

Suddenly I feel an arm sneak around my waist and in a second I'm chest to chest with Mikey. My eyes widen– his were peaceful as ever, although superior.

"Do it." He says, looking down at me.

The way he's holding me is making my head spin. True, Mikey is cute...

"Do what?"

He laughs at my confused expression. "I don't know... what did you say you'd do to me?"

Ha ha.

His hold on me tightens.

"Do whatever is on your mind." He says.

My eyes roam free between his eyes and his soft pink lips. Do whatever is on your mind.

If he knew what was on my mind, would he still allow me to?

"Do it," he encourages me once again, "aren't you the 'oh so brave' one? Punch me, yell at me, do whatever you want to me."

Those words were the last push I needed. My hands find the soft skin of his neck, hidden by his long hair. I pull him close and lock our lips together. I feel him making a little sound, I don't know if it was surprise or relief.

If by just looking at it his lips seemed soft, actually touching it felt like kissing cotton candy or guessing cloud shapes.

He didn't pull back, in fact, he held me with both hands. I have no clue how he did that but it seemed as though all of my worries dissipated as we kissed.

My heart was beating so fast that it made my chest hurt. My head started to pound when I spent a little too long without air. I pull back from his lips and keep my gaze on them as I breathe heavily.

"Hm." He hums quietly, almost dreamily if you'd ask me.

I look up at his face and smile a bit, noticing how his cheeks are pink. I lift an eyebrow up as if asking what he was thinking. He shakes his head and then puts his right hand on my cheek, caressing it. He kisses me again. This time is slower. As though being present in the moment. As if it were just me and him and nothing else.

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I hope you guys liked It! It was so pleasant writing this out of the small bits of ideas that I have. Don't forget: my requests are open. You can request anything! Thank you for reading! Oh, likes and reblogs help a lot! If you consider following it'd make me even happier <3