#writing this as someone with an aversion to sincerity

[crikey01]

Crowley could always rely on his Big Scary Demon Eyes to threaten people

but there must have come a point in time as Crowley and Aziraphale grew closer together where the eyes didn't do it. Aziraphale just gazed back at him, so Crowley resorted to physical contact.

i imagine their next encounter after the Job minisode Crowley was like shit i'm going to have to do something more than that.

and so he starts grabbing Aziraphale's clothes and shoving him against walls and pulling him close to fluster intimidate him but it still doesn't work and Aziraphale just stares back at him like ｡⁠◕⁠‿⁠◕⁠｡ because he's smitten

and there came a point where Crowley realised he wasn't that bothered about intimidating the angel anymore - he was just using the situation as an opportunity to get closer.

an excuse to grab Aziraphale and hold him; eye to eye, noses touching, breathing in each other's air. they both knew that in different circumstances they could close that gap.

but no. Crowley plays his part as one of the bad guys thwarting his opponent. and on they go.

and then when he's sure he's going to lose him, he closes the gap between them as a final, desperate measure. to show Aziraphale, before it's too late, what exactly he's offering. What he's always been hinting at with every pull and shove.

but he's still one of the bad guys.

[swiftiethatlovesf1]

From prejudice to love

Hii, I hope you like this one-shot of Carlos, since he announced his move to Williams I thought I would write about him, I hope you enjoy it :)

As Oscar's older sister, you've attended multiple events throughout his career, but this is the first time you've gone to a formal F1 event since you've been busy with work. The glamour of the gala, the mingling of celebrities and racers, seemed like a perfect escape.

"Oh look, Lando is over there. Let's go and say hi," Oscar points out, conveniently omitting who Lando is talking to—Carlos Sainz. You've never talked to Carlos and weren't planning on it, having had enough of his clashes with Oscar on the track. The way he blamed your brother afterwards made you harbour a deep aversion toward him.

"Hey guys," Oscar says, introducing you both into their conversation. "Hey, Y/N, I didn't know Osc was bringing you tonight," Lando says, noticing you. You've met a few times since Oscar joined McLaren.

"Yeah, well, someone had to substitute for Lily since she's in Australia," you joke.

Carlos makes his presence known with a slight cough. "Ah, Carlos, this is my sister Y/N," Oscar introduces.

Carlos's eyes roam your body, and for a moment, an emotion you can't decipher crosses his eyes. "Hi, nice to meet you," Carlos says.

"Likewise," you answer, trying to ignore your preconceived opinion of him.

As the boys start talking animatedly about F1, your gaze goes back to Carlos. Surprisingly, he is already looking at you. Not being one to back down, you hold his gaze. An unknown emotion courses through both of you, a mixture of desire and hostility.

"Well, I'll leave you boys to have fun. I'm going to look around," you say, excusing yourself from the conversation to explore the party.

However, your alone time quickly ends when a man corners you. "I don't think we've had the pleasure of meeting. I'm Tom, and what's a lovely lady like you doing here all alone?" the man says.

"I'm not alone, so if you don't mind, I'd like to go back to my friends," you insist.

"Hold on," he says, grabbing you. "I know a place where you and I could have some fun."

"I'm not interested," you say firmly. But the man only tightens his grip, dread coursing through you as you realize you can't escape him.

"She told you to leave her alone," a strong voice demands from behind you. You recognize it as Carlos's.

"We were just having some fun," the man lies.

"I won't repeat myself. Leave or you're leaving in a police car," Carlos threatens. The man's hold on you loosens enough for you to break free from his grip.

"Cariño, are you okay? Did he hurt you?" Carlos asks, scanning you for any possible injury.

Still shaken by the encounter, you manage a shaky smile. "I'll be fine. I can't thank you enough," you say, feeling your opinion of him shift. Maybe you had been too quick to judge his character.

"You don't need to thank me," Carlos says softly, his hand gently squeezing your shoulder. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. What an excuse of a man."

You catch sight of your brother signaling for you to come over. "I have to go. Please don't tell my brother about this. He will only worry," you plead with Carlos.

"I promise I'll keep it a secret on one condition," Carlos says, a hint of mischief in his eyes.

Suspicion rises within you. "What could you possibly want from me?"

"A date," Carlos replies, his request taking you by surprise.

You look at him, the tension between you palpable. His eyes hold sincerity, and the protectiveness he showed moments ago lingers in your mind. Memories of your initial dislike due to his quarrel with your brother while racing seem distant now, almost irrelevant.

Taking a deep breath, you nod. "Alright, a date it is."

Carlos's face breaks into a relieved and hopeful smile. "Perfect. How about tomorrow evening? There's a beautiful little restaurant by the lake."

Your heart flutters at his suggestion. "Tomorrow sounds lovely," you agree, feeling a warmth spread through you.

The next evening arrives quickly. Carlos picks you up, his eyes lighting up at the sight of you. He opens the car door with a gentlemanly gesture, and you can't help but feel charmed by his actions.

At the restaurant, the ambiance is magical. Fairy lights twinkle in the trees, and the sound of the lake lapping gently at the shore creates a serene backdrop. You both find a table with a perfect view of the sunset, the sky ablaze with hues of orange and pink.

As the evening progresses, you find yourselves laughing and sharing stories. The initial tension between you dissolves into a comfortable and genuine connection. Carlos tells you about his passion for racing, his dreams, and his admiration for your brother despite their occasional clashes on the track.

"I've always respected your brother," Carlos admits. "And I respect you even more for standing by him."

Touched by his words, you reach across the table and take his hand. "I think I misjudged you, Carlos. I'm glad we're here tonight."

Carlos smiles, his eyes locking with yours. "Me too. I've actually had a crush on you since I saw you with him around the paddock. I just didn't know how to tell you."

Your heart swells with emotion. "Well, I'm glad you finally did."

As the night deepens, Carlos walks you back to your hotel. The stars twinkle above, and the cool night air carries a sense of promise. Standing on your doorstep, you hesitate, feeling the weight of the moment.

"Thank you for tonight," you say softly.

Carlos steps closer, his gaze intense and filled with affection. "Thank you for giving me a chance."

Before you can respond, he leans in, his lips brushing gently against yours in a tender kiss. The world seems to melt away, leaving just the two of you in a perfect, timeless moment.

Pulling back, Carlos whispers, "I can't wait for our next date."

Smiling, you reply, "Neither can I."

[saintsenara]

are you still doing ur asks abt the ships? if u are what r ur thoughts on wolfstar? if not have a very good day!

thank you very much for the ask anon - and thank you in particular for leading me into danger...

my answer to this is going to be - and wolfstar shippers keep calm please - similar to my jegulus one. which means the tldr is: write what you want, but i’m unlikely to read it, especially if you don’t acknowledge the difference between canon and fanon.

i have no aversion to wolfstar coming up as a background ship [let them be happy while harry/anyone are having drama, i’m all for it] but i generally don’t search out fics in which wolfstar is [one of] the central pairing(s) and tend only to read wolfstar-centric stuff if it’s written or recommended by someone whose opinion i trust. 

this isn’t because i think the pairing is unfeasible [the canonical sirius and remus very much have the vibes of people who have enjoyed each other’s bodies…] but because the community which has built up around wolfstar, both among "original wolfstar, y’know, like in canon" fans and their sworn enemies"‘marauders fandom, canon who?" fans, largely expects certain tropes and characterisations which divorce the characters from what i personally think is interesting about them.

the most egregious of these tropes, in my opinion, is the fact that wolfstar which purports to be canon-compliant or which follows the canon timeline deals so infrequently with the fact that both remus and sirius have such little trust in each other that they believed utterly sincerely that the other was a death eater.

it’s crucial that we understand the profundity of this suspicion and - therefore - what it says about the fragility of the loyalty between them prior to 1980-81. this is not a brief flash of distrust in a high-pressure couple of days at the end of october. the evidence of canon is that we’re talking about a period of months - if not a full year - in which remus and sirius not only think it justifiable to doubt the other’s loyalties, but also seem to be acting on that doubt to try to get the other in trouble.

harry is born in july 1980, at a point when voldemort has all but won the war. severus snape defects to the order at some point relatively soon after this, when voldemort decides that the potters are the family referred to in the prophecy. peter pettigrew then defects to the death eaters in the autumn of 1980 [which we know because sirius says in prisoner of azkaban that he was spying for a full year before voldemort’s fall].

snape then evidently tells dumbledore that there is a spy in the order - although he clearly doesn’t, despite a common accusation levelled against him, know this is pettigrew, since the voldemort of the first war has apparently heard of operational security, unlike his resurrected counterpart - and this leads dumbledore to demand a restriction on james and lily’s movements until - by august 1981 [the plausible date of lily’s letter to sirius in deathly hallows] - they are basically under house arrest. the implication of canon is that, by this summer at the very latest, james and lily are aware they’re being spied on, from which i think it’s reasonable to infer three things: that dumbledore has begun to suspect that sirius is the spy over the opening half of 1981; that remus, who canonically always trusts dumbledore’s judgements, uses this to confirm his own suspicions about sirius; and that sirius, whose canonical relationship with dumbledore has an undercurrent of unease, especially in order of the phoenix, picks up on this and assumes remus is briefing dumbledore against him. i think it’s also reasonable to infer that the only person convinced there isn’t a spy among his close friends is james.

peter visits the potters’ safe-house and is aware of its address, so we can assume remus and sirius are the same. by october 1981, however, there are clearly concerns that james and lily’s whereabouts are known to the death eaters - perhaps also accompanied by information from snape that voldemort, who loves a bit of symbolism, has selected halloween as the day he will strike - which trigger dumbledore’s advice that they perform the fidelius charm. dumbledore’s unease when james picks sirius as secret keeper is confirmation that he had identified sirius as the spy. that remus is never suggested as a potential candidate is confirmation that sirius believes him to be the spy - and possibly also that james is beginning to think his best friend might be onto something [i always wonder if remus’ bitterness when accusing james of being too trusting in deathly hallows is a flash of self-loathing about the fact that james didn’t trust him]. sirius then persuades james to use peter and, within a week of the charm being performed, james and lily are dead, peter has disappeared, and sirius is in azkaban.

[as an aside here, i don’t love the amount of dumbledore bashing in wolfstar, and i think it’s worth doing some dumbledore defence: sirius’ internment in azkaban without trial - a reference to an actual historical event, if you were thinking it sounded far-fetched - is not dumbledore’s fault. the wizengamot acts on dumbledore’s credible belief that sirius was the secret keeper, while sirius - who is cackling his head off the whole time - refuses to speak in his own defence. similarly, dumbledore does not deny sirius access to harry (via hagrid) when he arrives, distraught, in godric’s hollow because he’s contrived a machiavellian plan to keep harry alone and unloved with the dursleys instead of with his true family, but because all the evidence he has available to him is that harry’s life is in danger at sirius’ hands.]

so sirius spends the next twelve years in azkaban, with remus clearly nowhere near his mind. that he stays in prison, and only escapes when he has an unimpeachable chance to get his revenge and protect harry, is because he - like his narrative mirror, snape - is so haunted by his role [indirect, but he canonically thinks that he essentially cast the killing curse himself] in the death of someone he fiercely loved that he considers azkaban a punishment he deserves. 

this links to the next issue i have with a lot of wolfstar: that the defining force in both remus and sirius’ lives is james, not each other.

the dynamic of the marauders is frequently reduced to the following: wolfstar, who are best friends and lovers it would take the heat-death of the universe to pull apart; james and whichever romantic partner the story wishes to pair him with, who are the same; and peter, who is either there and completely futile, or is replaced with a fanonised female character [dorcas, marlene, alice etc. - none of whom, may i say, it makes sense to have in the same school year as the marauders, dumbledore is not actually running the order as a gang of child soldiers] or a woobiefied death eater [regulus black, barty crouch jr., evan rosier etc.].

but in canon, a different dynamic is clear. james is the lynchpin of the marauders’ world, the anchoring point to all their senses of self; and the moment he is out of the picture no bonds of loyalty remain among the other three. [it’s tempting to imagine that remus always harbours a belief that sirius is innocent, but i think that this would be less due to an unconditional affection for his friend and more due to the fact that his own self-loathing needs to believe that he couldn’t have stopped james and lily dying; which he should have done if sirius really was the culprit, since he clearly suspected he was a death eater]. 

if you asked remus, sirius, and peter, clearly each of them would describe james as their best friend [even though james’ eyes are only for sirius - he only has one best man, and harry only has one godfather], but their relationships with each other outside of james are less clearly defined, at least before sirius and remus are the only two left.

this doesn’t prevent pre-1981 [or james lives au] wolfstar - your boyfriend and your best friend being different people is fine, obviously - but it is going to change the dynamic between them in ways i think are significant and which i would like to see explored more, particularly in fics which acknowledge that - for remus and sirius - this dynamic might not lead to the healthiest relationship…

for example, during their schooldays, wolfstar are likely to talk to each other through james, rather than james being surplus to the flirtatious dynamic between them; remus is likely to feel awkward or insecure about the fact that sirius - whose personality is closer to james’ than his - is so happy and gregarious in james’ company; sirius is likely to resent remus’ tendency to stay out of the action, since the fact that he and james mutually encourage each other in their exploits is key to their relationship; remus is likely to resent the fact that sirius is treated by the potters as a second son, while he isn’t, and so on.

during the first war, even if we remove the fact they suspect each other of spying from the equation, they will clash over how to protect james - and remus will undoubtedly take this to mean that sirius cares more for james than for him. during the second war, the long shadow of james - so painful that remus can still barely talk about him, while sirius wants to do nothing but - will hover over everything.

and this leads on to the third reason i generally don’t enjoy wolfstar: that the complicated threads of their canon personalities are removed or reduced to irrelevance to make them fit fanon which has no basis in the books.

now, i’m not going to get into appearance discourse here, although yes, i prefer a tall sirius who tends to wear wizarding clothing and has never heard a single cool piece of muggle music in his life, and i prefer a hollowed and world-weary remus who doesn’t have visible scars. i think background discourse is slightly more important: a great deal of sirius is lost if he is turned into someone who likes being pureblood, who feels more comfortable around his "own kind", or who aspires to sit on the hereditary wizengamot; a great deal of remus is lost if he is turned into someone who didn’t grow up in a loving home with parents who did their best, but whose inability to give him the childhood he really deserved in the face of the prejudice against werewolves in the wizarding world encouraged his absurd gratitude towards anyone who made even a half-hearted effort to act in his interests.

all of my preferred aspects of characterisation are canon-compliant. but deviating from canon is not a moral failing. the term is more flexible than many of its defenders acknowledge, and people are at perfect liberty to imagine that characters look, identify, or behave differently than they do in the canon narrative without that automatically bringing accusations of writing them out-of-character [after all, it’s clear in the books that both harry and hermione are white, but art and fics which portray them as a different race can still meaningfully be described as canon-compliant if that's an aim they're written to have].

similarly, rejecting canon compliance entirely is just as fine - i think you should indicate to your readers if you’re doing that, but i’m capable of using the back button and moving on with my life if you don’t.

the only hard and fast rule is don’t seek out people who do things differently to you and insult them directly, although i would also suggest that it’s worthwhile to spend a bit of time in introspection about how lots of popular wolfstar and the fandom around it - like the fandom around all slash ships - portrays queerness in ways which are heteronormative [i.e. exclusively equating bottoming with femininity] and portrays women in ways which are misogynistic [i.e. how tonks is often treated in wolfstar discourse].

however, with this said, i think there is a difference between rejecting canon compliance and yet still writing the characters in ways which feel connected in interesting ways to their complex canon selves, and just writing original characters named sirius black and remus lupin. 

because i just cannot get on board with a remus who is written as the cleverest one of the four, as assertive and direct instead of avoidant and passive-aggressive, as anything other than incredibly selfish, as anything other than an extreme people-pleaser, as being soft and sensitive [his mild manner hides the fact that he is incredibly cold and calculating - this is a man who is prepared to execute wormtail in front of three children mere minutes after learning he’s still alive], as majorly regretting the snape-versus-werewolf incident [he loves it! snape is terrified of him! he downplays it constantly!], or as functioning as the moral heart of the marauders [when sirius says in order of the phoenix that remus tried to restrain their bullying of snape, he is doing it to make remus - who is incapable of self-criticism - feel better in the face of harry’s anger] when he is in fact quite morally cowardly.

and i cannot get on board with a sirius who is written as a goofy himbo, as a constant flirt and womaniser [more grey-ace sirius, i would like to see it], as the world’s wokest king [a man who’s upset his slave isn’t sufficiently deferential to him isn’t someone who’s going to speak in queer theory buzzwords - this, of course, doesn’t prevent sirius being written as queer, non-binary, trans, femme, and so on, it just means that authors have to deal with the fact that sirius’ way of existing as any of these things will be human, rather than perfect], as a small bean unable to take care of himself [he escapes from prison and swims across the north sea! he charges into danger at the drop of a hat!], as anything other than incandescently loyal to james and harry, as - after james’ death - anything other than completely wrecked by guilt over the fact he caused it, as best friends with his brother and his gang of slytherins, or as lacking the fundamental arrogance and cruelty which make him so interesting.

and wolfstar can work, absolutely, when these things are taken into account. i find the idea of second war remus and sirius, stuck in grimmauld place together, buying harry a joint christmas present, the last survivors in a generation completely hollowed out by loss, incredibly moving. remus' choice to self-destruct in half-blood prince - having lost sirius so soon after having found him again - does, i think, justifiably indicate a change in their relationship during order of the phoenix which can be seen as romantic. i find the idea of first war remus and sirius, each in love with a man they think is a spy, wonderfully bittersweet. i find the idea of school-aged remus pining desperately for a friend who is head-over-heels in love with james to be, quite frankly, canon. 

and i also think that two original characters called sirius black and remus lupin can do whatever they want - i’ll just be closing my eyes, pretending i cannot see, and leaving them to it.

[queer-geordie-nerd]

"A couple of months after I shot the pilot for “Babylon 5,” I got an invitation to something called “a science fiction convention.” What could that be? “I’m not quite sure,” said Diane. “What do I have to do there?” I asked. “Sign autographs and do a Q&A.” “What is a Q&A?” I asked, puzzled. “I guess the fans will ask questions and you will answer.” “The fans? Who are they?” “Yes, the fans. The fans of the show,” said Diane, probably thinking her new client was mildly challenged in the intellectual arena. “Ok, I don’t quite get it but yes, of course, I’ll do it. It seems like an easy job,” I said. “Do they pay or is it just publicity for the show?” I asked, clearly an alien who fell onto this planet without getting the necessary information about human ways. No wonder I got my green card as an “alien with extraordinary abilities.” (Or should it be “inabilities,” I sometimes wonder.) “They do pay. $5,000 for two days.” What? Really? I don’t have to learn any lines? I don’t have to descend into dark tunnels of emotion? I don’t have to “perform?” I just have to be me? And they’ll pay me for that? Oh yeah, count me in! Keep bringing it on! Maybe life doesn’t have to be such an incredible struggle all the time. Maybe one doesn’t have to bleed to death for every penny earned. Maybe even I deserve some lightness, some easiness. Or do I?

Stonybrook was the place. Michael O’Hare was the other guest. I was on stage, answering questions from “the fans” who seemed unusually kind and, for the first time in my American experience, sincerely interested in “my story.” Finally, someone was actually getting it. “The fans” struck me as sophisticated, smart, and well-educated. They seemed not to be buying the black and white picture of the war in the former Yugoslavia, the picture that the media kept serving them. Their questions were intelligent. And, what struck me most, they seemed to be peace-loving people. It seemed we were on the same side: the side of the people, the side of peace. I realized: I actually liked talking to them. I was on stage, talking about my experience of being exiled from my own city, from my profession and my life. “I lost my career, my colleagues, my family.” Then I heard a voice from the audience. “But you gained another one. Welcome to your new family. Welcome to our family.” It brought tears to my eyes then. It is bringing them now, as I’m writing this.

I’ve been a part of the science fiction family for more than twenty years now. Conventions have become an important part of my life. I’ve met interesting people, including respectable scientists, engineers, astronauts and computer wizards. I’ve traveled America, from coast to coast and in between. I’ve traveled Europe, Australia and New Zealand. Some of the people I met I will never forget. Some became my friends. Whatever resistance I may have felt throughout the years towards being pushed into the category of “science fiction actors,” is gone now. This new family has been good to me. And although I will never become a social media gal, having a deeply organic, strong aversion towards the increasingly blurry line between the private and the public, I do hope that I haven’t been too dysfunctional as a member of my new family either. This new family has proven to be much more loyal and much more reliable than the one I left behind (or that left ME behind)."

- Mira Furlan, Love Me More Than Anything In the World

[yuseirra]

Ch 155 review:

woke up in the middle of the night and wrote ANOTHER huge bulk of a post, I'm having so much fun with this but maybe I should return to drawing persona fanarts again because I.. I'm pretty hopeless regarding mysteries but!! Here are my sincere thoughts about the latest chapter in more detail! I should really keep quiet till things clear up more. I believe so, but it's been really fun to hop into an ongoing series

This was originally written in a different language, then later translated through chatgpt. Chatgpt is so cool; ah I'm really sorry about what it does to the environment though; I won't use it a lot;

I hope to write quality content for those who love this work. That's how I feel. Haha. Well, I find it difficult to write forcefully, so at least I can say that I'm writing based on my affection. I'm not writing to get recognition(although it'd be nice).

Ah~~~.. Hahaha. For this episode's development, I realized how foolish I am because I forgot about Nino! But honestly, how was I supposed to know? That character, broadly speaking, might have contributed to Yura's death, but there was no indication that they did anything related to Goro's death. I don't watch many mystery shows, so when I made a plot guess last time, I dug a hole for myself in another post:

What I can't predict is what's going to happen next. There are too many variables and too much undisclosed information. As new information that hasn't been revealed yet comes to light, it makes it really hard to know.

Just like that.

The first emotion I felt after seeing the chapter was "?". What is this?? What are they trying to do?? And then, I felt really sorry for Ai. There's no sane person around. The person who definitely contributed to her death is her ardent fan (though I think even the term "fan" is too generous for that person). The suspected instigator is her ex-boyfriend or a colleague from the same group... there's really no one she can trust. Even though Ai hid many things and didn't show her true feelings and lied, it seems understandable, doesn't it?

I don't have any major speculations about Nino, but what I've understood is that the character "worships" Ai with some very twisted feelings. If there's a character who wants only the good sides of Ai to be shown to the world, it would be this one rather than Kamiki.

When I delve into analyzing the characters' emotions related to the story, I felt the part that needs explanation is Goro's death. Since Goro's death happened before Ai's death, the interpretation can vary greatly depending on whether it was intentional or just an accident. While many might focus on Yura's death, which is indeed very important, at least you could attach some psychotic criminal's delusional reason to it later. For the case of Goro's, however, it'd mean that there might have been someone other than Ryosuke already working against Ai behind the scenes before her death happened. Whether there were more people dissatisfied with Ai and her children other than Ryosuke is significant in determining how much it contributed to Ai's death.

I've been watching all along, but it didn't seem like Kamiki was involved in it, so I was confused. So, I think we need to sort out this part. This character doesn't seem to have much aversion to the fact that Ai had children, and there doesn't seem to be any reason for him to. From the moment he referred to Ruby as "indeed our child" in his first appearance, I got the feeling that this character recognizes the twins as something resulting from him and Ai, something between them, and doesn't view it so negatively. In that short sentence, there was a faint sense of affection. He doesn't seem to dislike being connected with Ai in one sentence, and the fact that there are children between them doesn't seem to be a bad thing from his perspective. You might think I'm overthinking based on one short sentence, but it's not just that; overall, his attitude when he actually appeared in front of the twins doesn't give any sense of dislike. The clincher was when he casually mentioned in chapter 153 that he has a father's heart. I thought, oh, this must be right.

Therefore, if Goro's death wasn't just an accident, I don't feel that this character would have any reason to harm Goro, who tried to protect Ai and their children and ensure their safe birth. (It could be explained as him being petty and harming Goro because he didn't like anyone else being close to Ai, but I think that's highly unlikely.) However, it still feels a bit off to think that Ryosuke acted alone to hide the body and everything else related to Goro's death.

If Nino were involved, it might make things clearer in this regard. But I don't know how insane Nino is (though She seems to be in very bad shape). I think there was some truth to the psychology of Nino that Kana portrayed...

B-Komachi, which was her and Ai's group, was going to perform at the dome, right? Which means Ai's career is shining even brighter even further. So what would this character gain by harming Ai at that point?

Ai did have a desire to reveal things about herself, though. Maybe this character wanted to stop her because he knew she wanted to expose things about herself and stop being the perfect idol worthy of worship?

From Kamiki's perspective, I think Ai revealing things about herself, especially if it was before the dome concert, might not have been such a bad thing. When the children were about four years old, he still wanted to get back together with her. If Ai had said, "I want to try liking someone, and I have children," then his career might have been ruined by the scandal but he might have been happy thinking, "Oh, Ai had feelings for me to that extent." She's THAT important to him, I believe.

But for Nino, it wouldn't have been the same, would it?

What keeps coming to my mind now is this lyric from Mephisto:

���かなわないならばあなたになりたい

"If I can't make my wish come true, I want to become you."

Could it be that Nino wants to be like Ai, or even become Ai herself?

She's the one who's expressed her desire to be her (as portrayed by kana in ch 136)

Even if you view Mephisto's lyrics from Aqua's perspective, it doesn't seem like Aqua would say, "I want to become Ai." Of course, it's a powerful lyric expressing longing, so it resonates strongly emotionally. But their genders are different, their fields are somewhat different, and while Aqua seems to have a longing for the entertainment industry, he also tends to deny it.

Or it could be this: Seeing Nino's erased all the other members except herself and Ai in the poster, (she didn't erase her own existence) perhaps she might believe the one to be beside Ai is her and her alone? That might be how she thinks. :/

Adding one more suspect broadens the possibilities, but it seems like Akane and Aqua will explain everything on their own, so waiting might be safer. My guesses probably aren't going to be correct anyway.

What I can talk about more is Kamiki's reaction. Although it was a very quiet reaction, in some ways it was stronger than I expected because he accepted Ai's words completely. From his perspective, he was receiving a message he couldn't have imagined for fifteen years. There was no negative reaction like "No way, she's lying." He simply accepted, as in "I didn't know this," and remained silent.

In another post, I wrote my predictions for him like this:

If the songs are clues and there will be some kind of conflict in the future,

Just as Aqua has been doing things for Ai for years, this character might have been doing things too, and it's probably almost complete. His mindset is that as long as he accomplishes this, it doesn't matter what happens to him. He was planning to meet Aqua and see his daughter once before turning himself in.

But when he realizes that Ai, whom he truly loved, actually loved him back, he might feel like he's losing his mind.

There was a line he couldn't cross, thinking, "Okay, let's not do this," but now, having seen the video, he might cross it. Because he misses Ai so much and she's so precious to him, now he really wants to save the person he loves who also loved him (it seems like he's doing something to save her/see Ai again. Otherwise, the songs wouldn't be like this).

If he thought Ai didn't love him, his feelings (assuming he didn't intentionally kill her) would be guilt, obsession, and love-hate, so he wouldn't have any energy left. Because he has no attachment to himself, he'd have a resigned attitude like, "Alright, let's do this and die," and that's why he easily decided to turn himself in and show up in front of his children.

But if Ai loved him and actually wanted to be with him all along? Then if he was doing something for Ai, he wouldn't be able to give it up. So while he still has no attachment to himself, he might suddenly gain the energy for more extreme actions.

(I'm a bit disappointed that I couldn't accurately predict all the emotional reactions.)

Instead of "losing his mind," it seemed closer to sinking and submerging... It looks like he was someone who could have understood Ai well if only he had the right opportunity.

But I did get it right that he wants to do something for Ai.

Actually, the speculation I wrote above was a bit extreme, thinking that, since it's a manga, the development might be more intense. So, it was a scenario that I didn't really think would happen! Considering the character's personality, I thought he would suffer greatly. That's as far as I thought (with the current information revealed, I'm still withholding much judgment about this character).

But he seems so precarious. I'm worried he might be found dead somewhere... I'm still questioning whether he's someone worth worrying about,

But I don't think it's zero possibility that he'll end up being a very pitiable character.

He's saying he'll do something for Ai, but what could that be? He himself is determined, but Ai is already dead.

Even if Ai has become a star and is watching over him, would she want him to struggle? If he really killed her, she wouldn't want him to do anything invoking her name as a murderer. But if it's truly a misunderstanding, then she wouldn't want him to suffer anymore.

The video Ai left contained a message asking Aqua and the others to help this person, so I think the latter is more likely. Although the video was recorded a long time ago, this is a manga. The timing of when a message is revealed is important to the development. Since this story has come out in the final chapter, I think there might be a situation where the main characters end up helping him...

No but, if Aqua just let this person go, and if Kamiki turns out to be a murderer, that could be extremely irresponsible, right? Even if he let him go, shouldn't he have recorded the conversation and reported it? He should have recorded it and reported it, but maybe he couldn't report it because it happened when Kamiki was a minor? But wouldn't he have been around nineteen when the kids were about four? Is it something too ambiguous to report? Still, the next story that gets mentioned involves at least three deaths. How can he calmly, perhaps leisurely, discuss with Akane that Nino(and him) was involved in the deaths of three people? You never know what a criminal might do if they're cornered mentally.

He said he was going to do something for Ai. If that something is killing people, then it's dangerous for Aqua to just let him go. But since Aqua did let him go, it seems like he doesn't think that's the case.

So, the theory that he committed serial killings to ensure no one surpassed Ai is probably incorrect.

Additionally, there's no mention anywhere of serial killings actually happening, right? It could just be those three deaths. That doesn't mean he's not a murderer. If there had been serial killings of celebrities, it would have been mentioned in the story, right? There should have been some hints, like someone saying, "Hey, this actor who was doing well suddenly disappeared," but I don't recall anything like that. It would have been better if there had been at least some hints. Everyone naturally speculated that he might have committed serial killings to ensure no one surpassed Ai, and based on the way the scenes were portrayed, it did seem that way. But since it hasn't been mentioned so far, it could be that such events never happened.

The mention of bearing the weight of lives came up when the Uehara couple died. Kamiki was very distressed, saying, "Do I have to bear even that?" He seemed to be thinking that because of him, Ai died, and so did the Uehara couple, and now an actor has died too. He seems to be self-deprecating, thinking, "Yeah, someone else died because of someone like me." His way of speaking is really strange though... Is there a reason why he feels he needs to elevate the value of his own life?

When I saw the lyrics of "Fatal," I thought, "This is it," because it hints at "something that needs to be filled." What can fill the void? As the lyrics suggest, "a lack of Ai", it seems to be Ai. If you look at the song alone, it’s about wanting to revive someone he really wants to see, right? "Mephisto" is the same, and since it's a double hit, I thought, "Ah, then that's it. That's why he's moving."

あらゆる望のぞみの総すべてを叶かなえたら　ああ果はたせたら

"If all wishes are granted, if they come true,

あなたに会あいたい

I want to meet you.

星ほしに願ねがいをかけて

Wishing upon a star"

Anyway, stars are important. I noticed that stars appear quite often in the manga.

When I first heard "IDOL" and sometimes when I hear certain songs for the first time, I feel an overwhelming rush of emotions. It's a really amazing and exhilarating feeling.

However, if I listen to the song repeatedly, that emotion dulls, and I become less sensitive to it over time.

When I first heard "Fatal," I felt an immediate and intense sensation. It was as if someone was desperately searching and longing for something immensely significant. As soon as I felt that emotion, I instinctively thought, "This must be it," and it struck me so strongly that it became the reason I've been writing a lot lately.

The songs from Persona 3 were like that too. However, while Persona 3's songs had a warmth that supported the heart, a sense of resolve and determination, the songs from this manga feel like they are heavily spiced with MSG. The intensity of the emotions is incredibly fierce and strong. So, I often find myself wondering, "Is this okay? Is this okay?" But then I realize, yes, this is the kind of emotion being conveyed. It's raw but in a different way.

Considering the emotions that have been flowing so far, I felt strongly that Kamiki must be the one that's being depicted. Does anyone else feel similarly to me? Haha. So, I was just observing till that point, but then I couldn't help but dive in, thinking, "This has to be it."

These days, there are so many horrifying, disturbing, and distressing news stories, and it feels like the sentences given to offenders only add insult to injury for the victims(it's very short and light here). I hate it so much. I wish the term "dating violence" would disappear; it should be replaced with another term because that's not love.

So, while watching the developments in this manga, I feel like... I really don't want to empathize with or sympathize with the perpetrator, even in fiction. I understand that fiction can be separate from the reader's morals and I respect that, but when I think about the emotions between the characters in this manga, it doesn't feel like it's the same as those horrifying real-life cases. I really hope it's not. I'm not looking for it to not be like that on purpose; it's just that something feels off...

When watching the scenes with Ai's video, at first, my heart ached, but as time went on, I kept thinking, "Kamiki, you better get your act together." If this character has done things worthy of criticism, I absolutely don't intend to condone those actions even a bit, and I believe they should pay for their crimes!

But I think it's okay to wait and see for now? Am I really the type to get easily fooled? Haha. Still, I believe I have a good sense of understanding when it comes to emotions... I got Aqua and Kana right, and maybe that's why I got excited and gained momentum. It was exactly as I thought, for their case.

Well, we'll have to wait and see. I'm going to stay quiet for now. But if I'm going to draw fan art, I need to have a clear understanding of the emotions, which is important to me. If I can't predict what this character is feeling, I can't touch it.

Kana is really great in this regard. She's a character who doesn't need to overthink, so it's really comforting. While everyone else is complicated and holding secrets, leaving me to wonder "when the heck did you find out about that?" having new conversations among themselves, Kana is relatively easy to understand... what you see is what you get.

Or Ai, since she's shown almost everything (there's one video left), I might be able to do something with her too.

I liked the character Akane because of the profiling scenes. It didn't feel entirely like someone else's business because I do some degree of psychological analysis on the characters I handle. So that could maybe be why the range of characters I can manage isn't that wide depending on the genre. I usually focus on less than 5 characters and examine them REALLY deeply. The types I can understand and handle well are quite distinct for me. However, I want to dive deeply into the characters I do handle.

To create proper fan works, you need a lot of pieces of the puzzle. I might end up being off the mark, but I'm still doing it seriously when I make fan work!

I'm very happy when I hear good comments regarding such area :) I really want to do a good job. For now, I will stay on watch and see how things play out for now.

+

I thanked chatgpt :) :) aw they're nice (although they don't have feelings they've been helping me from rewriting things twice)

[captaincryolicious]

Hi! I love your writing! I just found your blog and have only read a few thing, but I'm fully planning on binging everything you've written so far.

I saw that your requests are open. May I request a Kazuha/reader fic (gn if possible?) where the reader is touch adverse? Like, if someone touches them without their permission/or their terms it can send them into an anxiety attack? Some days are better than others, some days they can be affectionate to an extent but others they just can't handle being touched at all?

It's totally cool if not! I have seen a lot of really cuddly Kazuha content lately, (not that there's anything wrong with that!) and as someone who is touch adverse, I though the change of pace might be cool.

Okay, I'm rambling now. I hope you have a great - insert time of day here-!

Kazuha with a touch aversive s/o

➳ Kazuha x gn!reader

➳ Headcanons ; 1.1k

➳ Fluff, comfort ; No warnings

The title says it all. [03.10.2022]

Zep's Note ; This request was made over a year ago but I finally got to write it (I HAD to, since I really relate to this). I'm sorry it took so long! Also, I went with headcanon format instead of a fic, I hope you don't mind!

content under the cut | masterlist

It was a mystery to you. 

The way people described physical touch as magical, as warm and safe, as loving and comforting, as a spark of joy that erased the sourness from one's mind and body. You couldn't even begin to imagine that; it sounded alien to you, impossible, as if it were something from an utterly different dimension than the one you lived in — which, in a sense, was true. 

All you ever felt when people touched you was panic, the strong urge to push them away and flee in a wave of fear, discomfort and anxiety washing over you. It made your heart race, your skin burned where you had been touched, your breath would hitch before accelerating, but in a way most negative. 

No one, not even your closest loved ones such as your own family, were allowed to hug you, give you an encouraging pat on your shoulder, ruffle your hair or hold your hand when times got rough. It was a barrier so unbreakable, and even you often failed to understand why.

Why couldn't you relish in the affection of loved ones? Why did it bring you the exact opposite of what people described? How could something supposedly so beautiful bring forth such negativity within you? 

What was most painful, maybe, was how no one found it in them to truly love you in a romantic way. You tried, others tried with you, but it never lasted. Of course no one wanted a relationship with someone who did not want to be touched at all, you bitterly thought. That's why you always ended up on your own. Loneliness gnawed at you, and painfully so. Maybe you were meant to be alone, simply because your stupid curse. 

You believed so, until he came around. 

Kaedehara Kazuha. A name that brought so much happiness to your life ever since that awkward moment when the two of you met. He wanted to shake your hand that day, causing you to freeze on the spot. Usually that would lead to taunting laughter and confused faces, but not with him. The male with hair as pale as the moon regarded you with a certain understanding in his ruby eyes, taking a step back and introducing himself with a kind smile. 

You instantly trusted him that day, and until this very day the faith you put in him only grew more and more.

Kazuha is a real sweetheart, so understanding and very patient with your touch aversion. 

He never pushes through when you draw a line, he always respects your boundaries. 

He got used to it so quickly, adapting to what you called your curse seemingly with ease. Of course he slipped up a few times in the very beginning, but his profuse apologies were sincere and he would do whatever it took to soothe you again.

But as I said, Kazuha swiftly adapts and does everything he can to show you how much he loves you in a way that doesn't bring you any discomfort. 

Taking you on little dates, looking at you with the warmest smile ever, being super romantic in ways that don't involve touch, and his favorite; writing you haikus. 

Of course not every day is the same. There are good days and bad days, and the difference between those starts to grow when your bond of trust with Kazuha grows.

On bad days, where being touched will send you into a pit of anxiety from the discomfort that seems to take over, even when it's him, he will always reassure you that it's okay, that he loves you more than anything in the world and that your boundaries are totally valid.

He will keep reminding you, because that one day where you told him how afraid you were of him leaving you because of your curse broke his heart. 

"Love is so much more than physical touch alone," he tells you, and his instincts are screaming to hold you close and comfort you because you look so miserable but he knows better. He simply sits opposite of you, patient as ever, looking at you with calm eyes as he thinks of other ways to cheer you up. 

On bad days, he learns a lot about you. It's those days that show him your preferences and habits, things that make you smile and bring you joy, objects and gestures that bring some peace in the turmoil when a comforting hug is out of the question.

Let's be honest, in the beginning he struggled with what he could do to make you happy if he couldn't shower you with affection. He had to get a little creative, but he picked up all the little details in no-time; your favorite time of the day, your go-to snack, topics of conversation that brought a spark to your eyes, hobbies and other ways of passing time you enjoyed, small things he did that would bring a smile to your face, and so on. 

He got to know you super fast, and despite the lack of affection, the two of you are like, really really close.

But then there are the good days.

It barely happened in the beginning, but as you grew more at ease around Kazuha, there are more and more days on which you feel like you can drop your boundaries a little. 

Days where it genuinely brings you a ginger feeling of joy when the male is hesitantly affectionate.

Those days where you feel like holding his hand, when you can stand the sensation of his fingertips on your skin. Days where you carefully lean against him, your heart beating rapidly as you try to make sense of what you are feeling. Days where you let him cup your cheeks softly and have him gaze at you full of love. Rare days, where you are brave enough to let Kazuha hold you against him in a hug so frail, as if you are made of glass. 

He is so careful with you, pouring all his love into his gentle touches while closely keeping an eye on how you are feeling; as soon as he finds the slightest hint of discomfort on your face, he backs off. But it happens less and less, because you genuinely feel safe with him. 

On good days, you begin to understand why people describe physical touch as something dreamlike. 

But the next day, it could be all gone. 

Kazuha never touches you without permission or without you taking the initiative. He always waits for you. He's so selfless, all he cares about is you and your wellbeing. 

He is so so so patient with you, and he truly respects your boundaries. It doesn't even take effort for him. It comes with ease, as if it grew to be his second nature, simply because he loves you so dearly.

You're safe with him.

[hellsvestibule]

By the way guys like i do always try to trigger tag anything really gory or nsfw or even put it under cuts if it’s real bad/I’ve been drawing and posting light guro on and off for like a decade by now some of it more or less sexual so like if that does really bother you I think you should unfollow no questions asked no hard feelings I don’t want people just seeing things on their dash that triggers them but I’m also not gonna hamper my self expression to make other people who like my tamer art comfortable. I’m just a bit surprised when other people are surprised because I’m like very open about my love of gore I think maybe people just forget I’m a freak because I try to be nice and friendly

I could like go through and specify which tags to block bc I know I have some followers who are afraid of needles or bugs or whatever and I tend to just use the straightforward #gore #needles type of tags bc otherwise I would have to write an encyclopedia of trigger tags just so I can indulge in my weird horror fix. I get that it’s tricky to navigate but I do try to communicate openly and if someone needs specific horror tags there are 2 options, you can ask politely or you can unfollow but either way I don’t want people acting like I’m bad for subjecting you to it, you sincerely, don’t Have to follow if you’re scared I might screw up and post something you can’t handle and don’t tag properly (which is a valid fear! If you have a lot of pain related squicks or triggers idk what else to tell you, however my blog is genuinely just. Not a safe space for people who are generally averse to horror, and if you followed me for something more specific and or innocent I’m sorry bc I can in fact be normal sometimes but also that’s tangential. It’s not what we’re advertising on the label

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Dear MBTI notes, you’re a gem for still being into handwriting in this tech-based world. I found myself a bird with the same feather. I am reflecting on your questions so I can’t answer that yet but waiting for you; me & my ESTP bf talked more abt the initial question.

During that time, we went to a friend’s wedding, which made me sulk later. My bf soothed me, (as I think he felt guilty), he asked me why I find marriage personally important. I told him that a status ensures lifelong commitment & gives me inner peace because I want a sign to feel secure. I thought he would dismiss me like he would when he was younger, but he didn’t. He kissed & apologized, saying he never thought of marriage this way before so he suggested a few days to collect ideas, then would give me his solid opinion.

He proposed having children with me If I wanted to (I’m happy he asked me this bc actually he doesn’t really enjoy children despite being good with them). After a day he had his (not solid yet) opinions & asked me to ask you whether his thoughts also stemmed from a troublesome perspective (because I told him I asked someone with knowledge on marriages). The points are:

- Marriage provides rigidity in status & makes a situation static imagery. By standing in one place for a long time relationships aren’t able to get better & achieve more obstacles together in life. People need to change so that they can become better & being held back by a paper makes people problematic beings.

- Marriage sure is a provision for stability but on the flip side aversion to the new. If each person in a relationship isn’t ready to adapt, adjust & change the relationship is doomed to perish. Life is impermanent itself so why fear the forever changing, which is the people?

Questions he asked:

He mentioned he struggles at finding meaning in things that are purpose-implied (Ni inferior?). He asked how marriage that wouldn't imply the potential of a change of status that makes relationships gradually dull & worse. He asked whether marriage stops both people from flourishing in life. This was partly a trigger of his parents’ divorce as I knew from him that they “got bored” of each other when he was at high school.

Furthermore, he has a tendency to either never look for implications or read between the lines in a very useless manner until he gets paranoid about it (so I often stop him whenever he slips into that side). He asked what will change If he marries, is there any new expectations he should gradually learn to change.

That’s all he asked for now. Now that I know (not sure If I knew it all bc I haven’t asked him more yet bc we’re both not clear enough on what’s really our resolute opinions that have considered every serious reflective question) parts of his mind, we’re trying to both think about this for both our sake. Hope I can hear from you soon, I’ll write back when I’ve packaged all my answers to your reflection questions. Sincerely yours.

-----------------------

Since you didn't number your messages, I'm not sure whether I've included them all or in the right order. The previous questions for reflection were purely for your personal clarification. There is no need to send me a response to them.

With regard to personality type, ISTJs and ESTPs are called complementary opposites. Since the order of their cognitive processes are the same, they tend to exhibit similar-looking problems in type development, though coming from opposite directions.

Due to inferior Ne, narrow-mindedness is one core flaw of the ISTJ personality. And if auxiliary Te remains poorly developed, they are unable to accept and work with the facts of the real world, especially new facts. If a particular ISTJ is also prone to Fi loop, they will (stubbornly) remain stuck in one narrow perspective, despite there being much better perspectives available.

Due to inferior Ni, oversimplistic thinking is one core flaw of the ESTP personality. And if auxiliary Ti remains poorly developed, they are unable to detect logical fallacies in their own thinking. If a particular ESTP is also prone to Fe loop, they will attempt to manipulate or force agreement from others in an effort to avoid confronting the flaws in their own belief system.

When you bring the flaws of both personality types together, it's easy to get stuck, because one person can't see more than one perspective and the other only sees the most superficial perspective.

For example, his parents have affected his views on marriage, thus, his sample size is 1? Can you draw a scientifically sound and valid conclusion about marriage from only one example? Also, does he believe he has no control at all over himself? Is it reasonable for him to believe that he will follow exactly the same path as his parents, like you are both programmed robots? These kinds of problematic reasoning patterns indicate a lack of Ti development.

As a couple, if these type development issues are an obstacle and even causing you to clash, then you ought to develop better use of your functions, refer to the Type Development Guide.

The only thing I have left to say about your situation is that the both of you seem to be falling victim to illogical thinking, specifically, the false dilemma fallacy. The false dilemma fallacy means that people, intentionally or unintentionally, grossly oversimplify a situation into only two options, usually two opposing options.

In psychology, logical fallacies create cognitive distortions in your reasoning process. Your perception becomes less accurate and your judgment more flawed, which leads you to make poor decisions and then feel bad about yourself or your circumstances.

The false dilemma fallacy creates a false dichotomy in your mind that easily traps you in unhealthy and extreme thinking patterns such as black-and-white, all-or-nothing, and either/or thinking. "Stability vs change" is a common example of a false dichotomy. (Have you ever heard of "increments", which is a method of learning and changing that also maintains stability?)

The false dilemma fallacy commits two serious errors in logic:

It assumes that the two options presented are exhaustive or complete, meaning there are no other viable possibilities, nothing in between, or no gray areas to consider. This is a common rhetorical trick speakers use to pressure the listener into submission. By purposely leaving out other alternatives, the speaker tries to force the listener into choosing between two extreme positions that do not properly represent the reality of the situation and/or the listener's actual position.

It assumes that the two options presented are mutually exclusive, meaning they shouldn't/can't exist at the same time. Often, the speaker presents their own position as true/acceptable/desirable in such a way as to automatically render the opposite position as false/unacceptable/undesirable, so the listener receives a biased perspective or an unfair comparison. By purposely leaving out the cons of the speaker's own position and the pros of the opposite position, the listener is misled into siding with the speaker.

In order to escape a false dilemma, you must make a conscious effort to counter the above errors in logic:

Recognize that there are more than two options available and take time to discover what they are. Recognize that the two options might merely represent two extreme ends of a spectrum, so consider what lies in between the two poles. Recognize that the reality of the situation is far more complex than presented and take time to consider gray areas and exceptions to the rule.

Recognize that the reality of the situation isn't black-and-white, all-or-nothing, or either/or, so take time to examine how the two positions could potentially overlap, coexist, complement each other, or synthesize into a greater and truer whole.

Why is it that some couples get married and yet still change and grow better together? Why is it that some unmarried couples remain steadfastly together until death? Obviously, stability and change are not mutually exclusive. Stability (e.g. commitment) is needed to combat the deleterious effects of constant flux (e.g. lack of meaning) AND change (e.g. novelty) is needed to combat the deleterious effects of stability (e.g. stagnation). The answer isn't to force a choice between two opposites but rather to figure out their proper relationship to each other.

The real world is not either/or. The real world has many different kinds of couples with many different kinds of arrangements. Whether or not marriage will change anything or change the expectations is not for me to tell you, rather, it is up to the both of you to bring everything out into the open and negotiate the changes and expectations together. But until you can get past the false dichotomy, it will be difficult for the two of you to find middle ground.

[aintitfierce]

since it is The Month, i'm going to say i have no clue what to call vanya's gender

i created him somewhat on a whim for the fic, and his personality kinda came together as i was writing (especially after i decided to describe him introducing himself with a flourish as the 'very pretty Vanya creature' and immediately breaking down into tears and 'demanding their listening ears' ghfhieo). i tend to go with nonbinary just bc it's Easy and seems to encompass a wide range of Experiences, as most labels do `~`;

in the future i may try the multiple pronouns thing for him, or just switch to they/them or it/its for him once my silly brain can get past the ??? of reading and writing it, at least in descriptive prose. it/its is a pronoun set i feel especially positive feelings toward, and i can't really put my finger on why

that all said, i do feel he probably falls somewhere on the aroace spectrum, despite his feelings otherwise. it's hard for me to imagine him finding someone genuinely attractive in any way outside of being very indulgent and fawning with him, and that affection can be quite fickle if he's not in the mood for it or gleans any sense of sarcasm or other artifice

(he will squeeze as much adulation as he can out of someone he quite sincerely liked just moments ago until he realized they're just buttering him up for Something. and then ultimately say No when they inevitably ask him for their favor. tho to be fair, it's still relatively easy to trick him with flattery. u probably just have to play the long game)

reading back through this in preparation to ramble maybe a little on myself, i realize i basically just made vanya Me

i've used the asexual label since i was a sex-repulsed teenager, but only considered myself aromantic kind of recently, since i wasn't aware that was A Thing back then. i'm no longer sex-repulsed, but some of it still Lingers, i think, in my aversion to things like kissing and other oral Stuff

in recent years i've wobbled a little on the acearo thing if only bc i had the big revelation that if i think about being in a relationship with someone who's Not A (Cis) Man, it didn't sound so immediately Not For Me. but in the end, atm i just don't really have the interest in getting a relationship to puzzle it out one way or the other. these days i consider myself much more firmly aromantic than i do asexual. i need some time living all alone before i'm ready to jump back into the constant compromise-and-share game

i've been leaning towards nonbinary for a long time but never told anyone. the extent of my embracing of that identity has been Sometimes clicking 'do not wish to disclose' for gender on medical paperwork, even if they have a nonbinary option ;; i'm still tiptoeing into that one. also the fact that i still enthusiastically wish to present in 'feminine' ways tends to give me some pause as well

[oletusfragments]

💌 to the recipient Victor Grantz;

At first I thought you disliked me, with how you'd flee the room so suddenly whenever I'd tried speaking with you, or look away in what I'd assumed to be contempt. It upset me at first, thinking I had done something to deserve your ill-view of me. I have come to realise otherwise, as the other residents have explained to me your general aversion to being in the centre of attention. Suddenly it made sense to my why you performed so well as a postman. Every letter crafted with careful attention to the people around you so that you could help us all in matches- I'm amazed everytime at your consistency but even moreso at how earnest you are. Forgive me for saying this but I'm so very intrigued by you.

In recent times everytime I get a letter in matches from you it takes me back to the excitement I felt reading the first letter you'd ever sent my way. I recall the hope it gave me to push on and eventually escape that match through that dungeon. I couldn't expect you to have known then, but I wasn't doing too well that day and was quite upset, but that small act of kindness from you was enough to help me rest easy when I went to sleep.

To be honest it's something I'm jealous of, the ability to concisely write in a way that touches the heart everytime, an envious gift to have. You may not talk to us in the conventional sense but your writing speaks in a way thats far more impactful. I found I'd be more saddened if I could no longer read it and as you're no doubt aware, the Baron has expressed we must get rid of your letters after the matchea so that we dont smuggle them for future use.

So I have taken upon myself to ask that perhaps instead of talking we could write to eachother, outside of the matches. I'm not as good as you at putting my thoughts onto paper, but I hope they reach you and that you may understand my intentions. I find myself reading too much between the lines in those matches to try to pry open the glimpse I had of just who you are. I ought to be more upfront in asking you, instead of wallowing in these feelings. Perhaps one day we could revel in eachothers presence without any spoken words too, if that makes you more comfortable. If I could come to understand you without having to utter a word, then I'd be willing to continue to write to you, if you'd do the same for me.

Eager regards, Dahlia

Victor Grantz has received your letter! 🔔

Victor has always felt joy in sending letters. The blissful reactions of his recipients is enough to make him feel the same. He does feel down sometimes whenever he wishes that there could be a letter for him too. Sometimes, he peeks at his letters just to momentarily feel what could be felt when someone sends a letter to you.

He became totally elated when he saw his name in the envelope. His whole body felt giddy with excitement and he blushes as the same color as his uniform.

That day, he immediately sent all the letters he needed to sent and competed the tasks he had to do. After that he rests in his room, taking his time at reading your letter.

Those words you've said, your praises, your sincerity, went straight to his heart. No one has ever said these to him.

He has sent letters but never received anything back. So to receive a letter about your love for him...he could just cry...–oh, but, from happiness, of course.

He is so thankful for your consideration of him. You acknowledged his existence more than anyone has. You've made him feel more special than he's ever been. You've made his wish come true.

Right! He needs to reply!

He rushes to grab a piece of paper and a pen from his desk drawer and immediately sat on the chair. The speed at which he did it is almost comical and even Wick is baffled by his sudden burst of energy.

Victor writes on the paper merrily, occasionally halting to think deeply.

This might be the first letter he writes and will delivers and so excitedly.

— Victor replied to your letter!

Dear Dahlia,

I sincerely apologize that I made you think I dislike you at first. It was unintentional...Actually, I didn't want you to hate me that's why I often avoid personal conversations. But, thank you for being so considerate of me. Hearing that you're interested in me makes me feel all excited and my cheeks starts to warm up...

You're one of the first people who read my letters more deeply than anyone else. You even replied to me. It's embarrassing, but even as a postman, I deliver letters everyday but there are none for me. This is one the first letters I've ever received. I'm really happy.

And yes! I would love to keep exchanging letters with you. I am not a vocal person. And I do prefer to keep things on paper... This is the only way I think I'd be able to talk to someone properly. Perhaps, in the future, we can be close enough to say our thoughts and feelings beside each other.

If you ask me, you might have already understood me better than anyone else. Thank you. And I hope I can make you feel the same way you feel about me.

– Victor Grantz

[ This might be the longest letter I've ever done. Hope you liked it! ]

[lemonhemlock]

sorry I come busting in like this and honestly, you're free to delete this anon if you don't want this rant to clog ur tl and nice blog. <s>-ing it so it takes up less space. this will only be half comprehensive if at all lol can't be bothered sorrz but I'll try to approach it with as much sincerity as I can muster

"you can’t apply real world logic to the fake tv show"

we all unconciously apply "real world logics" to the fiction we read/see/talk about all the time. it's how we make sense of the fiction we read and the millions of opinions thrown at us.

what is implied by "logic"? I'm sure what we understand as our "real world logic" is vastly different from person to person. in my world cousin incest is encouraged. in my world my mother was married of at 15 to a 30 year old. does "logic" mean "modern belief system"? again I'd wager you use your modern belief system to interpret your fiction as well. (hell, historians/academics/anthropologists are trained to refuse the urge of applying modern belief systems and cultural universalism because doing that is so ingrained in us as humans to the point entire belief systems are build on it.) unless you're doing some specific reading feat. your applied academic theory/philosophy/politic/thruline of choice.

if the meaning of "you can’t apply real world logic to the fake tv show" is "oh 10 yos were historically expected to b breeding eager! (again what history are u using? surely not the one grrm is using.... which is barely any. if one at all lol) so don't question it! move on to the next scene - oh look a grown ass man kicking and manhandling an alcoholic child! they dont make them badass lil kids like they used to! oh look the gay man is sad bcs he cant make babies in the pseudo-historical fantasy world :( :D haha surely never happens in our real world! i mean back then, sureeee, but not today!" dont get me wrong. nobody HAS TO be appalled by 10yo aemond just as nobody has to be appalled by 14yo alicent being "groomed" either. because remember that's the "applied-real-life-logic" fallacy! wouldn't want to do that to our precious incest drama. keep ur brain at home when u visit the dragon and incest and child grooming show guys!

is my pointing out that aemond might be written as a character study or perhaps even a cautionary tale abt boys indoctrinated at a young age "applied-real-life-logic"? that's just a reading of a modern text parading as a historical text (!) with a consciousness towards the present modern issue of historical revisionism among young people. grrm loves his dragon, he loves his operatic incest dramas, but he also loves his societal critic. and sometime she mixes them all up for funsies. or is asoiaf and co's anti-war stance smh not "applied-real-world-logic"? or is being appalled by war somehow an acceptable presentist reading and cultural universalist stance but being appalled by a 10 yo groomed by adults around him to fuck good and make pure babies all while spewing supremacist shit is not? or was it the clumsy form and casual tone of a 50 words anon written in maybe 5 min of the latter that's not to ur liking

the characterization of aemond as a 10 yo was not pulled outta thin air either. my pointing out that aemonds speech and behaviour at 10 have much in common with 4channers and lil wannabe hitler youths is not that far fetched. sure you're free to disagree but throwing that "apply real world logic" falacy at someone for a reading you disagree with is just vacant. aemond is not a historical figure in which case I would be deeply averse to presentism and universalism and would be much more cautious in my reaction/tone towards behaviour that I deem deeply disturbing on various levels.

Of course I'm not going to delete your rant; you took great pains to write it and your points are as valid as anyone else's. Thank you for being so open with aspects of your own culture. I do agree with your stance that we are inadvertently influenced by own belief system whenever we interact with a piece of media or a written text. This fictional universe exists in the here-and-now and it would be kind of pointless if we weren't ever allowed to analyse it through a more sophisticated modern lens & just kept everything at "medieval morality" level all the time, so as to not be anachronistic.

However, I do feel like these two views can be reconciled somehow. I honestly think what the anon was trying to convey by the "real-life logic" comment was that 10-year-old Aemond is, in effect, also a prop for the showrunners to introduce narrative or thematic elements that they may want to develop later, not just a random little boy parroting ideology he doesn't fully understand.

Thus, little Aemond can be propagandized by other family members into believing Targaryen hype, including the joys & wonders of targcest, agreed. But, at the same time, he is also a character in a TV show, whose lines are written by someone, with framing decided by someone. There is authorial intent behind his appearances on screen, not everything is naturalistic, so to speak. And sometimes decisions pertaining to characters (especially those with little screen time) tend to be strategic. Meaning that, yes, the show is pointing out the consequences of targcest fascistoid indoctrination. But, it is also possible it wants to lay the building blocks for a future Helaena-Aemond dynamic and is using that scene to shoot two birds with one stone, so to speak.

Which is to say that if the authors (scriptwriters, directors, producers) wanted to introduce the audience to the possibility of helaemond, this is one way to do it. Little Aemond is being directed to stare wistfully at Helaena while imagining how cool it would be to marry her. Grown-up!Aemond is being directed to move his whole-ass chair and stare like a weirdo at his sister dancing with Jace. It's disruptive in the dinner table landscape, especially when compared to Aegon's reaction.

This is where subtext comes into play. And, because we're speaking of cues and innuendo, different people may interpret it differently. This is not to say that helaemond is a certainty, only that various visual storytelling hints have been employed, should they want to pick this thread up again in the future. I doubt that these two actors just so happened to come up with these acting choices on their own in one big coincidence.

If this were real-life and Aemond an actual person pining after his sister, perhaps these interactions wouldn't have occurred in the same manner. He would have looked at Aegon when having a conversation with him. He would have kept an eye on Jace and Helaena without physically moving his chair. These can very well be details added by the show-runners to subtly communicate something to us. Of course we can disagree on the nature of that information, but, from a logistical standpoint, it makes sense that they'd want to keep their options open, test the waters, and only in later seasons commit to a a certain path.

[stigmatvm]

ok, stigmatvm 2023 blog resolutions for real

clean up. it's cluttered over here! ive got a hoarder's spirit and im not happy with all my current formatting. im tempted to switch back to docs...i love carrd, but the longer blurbs are hard to format in a way i think is readable

actually write up verses and character bios.

reach out more! this is an every year thing. i think i drastically overestimate the difference in social strata between myself and others on here. we're mutuals for a reason

i think i want to stop dodging around some of the darker themes i have in characters' bios. as much as i want to avoid wangst, i think my aversion to over-doing makes it seem like im not being sincere in how i write, too. i like exploring those topics. no matter what, someone will find it cringe, so i just have to go for it

heaven or hell let's rock

[saintsenara]

Thoughts on Hermione/Sirius?

thank you very much for the ask, anon!

i have decided to partially back this, on the grounds that i think there's the capacity for an initial spark which would fizzle out extremely quickly when the two realised they found the other incredibly irritating.

although it's worth saying - as it always is - that i don't have an issue in the slightest with the age gap, or with the fact that sirius and hermione's acquaintance was established when she was a child. these people are fictional.

the initial attraction is obviously going to be based in sirius and hermione's mutual respect of the other's cataclysmic loyalty. it's obvious in canon that sirius adores the fact that harry has friends who embody a trait he values above all others - which hermione proves her mettle in right in front of his face when she helps harry save his life in prisoner of azkaban - and, in a world in which he survives order of the phoenix, the respect that he'd have for hermione for sticking with the horcrux hunt would clearly be immense.

for her part, hermione clearly really rates not only the comfort sirius provides harry, but the guidance - she urges harry constantly in goblet of fire to confide in sirius and finds the advice sirius gives his godson to be above reproach. she evidently respects him, and she evidently thinks of him as wise and sensible.

and sirius repays this trust by, for example, backing hermione's assessment of barty crouch sr.'s treatment of winky - which is a defence of a principle she sincerely holds but which harry and ron think is ridiculous which harry and ron clearly didn't expect - and i imagine hermione was hugely impressed by this.

however... what would be more incompatible about the relationship rears its head in order of the phoenix.

hermione's resilience is one of her more admirable traits - but it comes with the negative side-affect that she has a canonically low tolerance for moping. she's of the opinion throughout this book that sirius could get a grip on what is obviously depression if he simply tried hard enough - and i think the most accurate way to write her post-war is to imagine that she's someone who deals with grief by trying to "fix" things [as she does in canon in half-blood prince, when she keeps trying to push harry to talk about sirius].

i don't think this is a fault - it's the way many people cope with grief, and good for them - but i do think that it wouldn't align at all with how a sirius who's lived to see the age of peace would want to approach the task of grieving. i think he's going to think that she's meddling and she's going to think that he's falling into self-destruction and it's just going to be a mess.

[ron - in contrast - would get it, and this is why i'm now fully ronius-pilled...]

hermione and sirius also diverge in order of the phoenix over what she [not unreasonably] perceives as sirius' recklessness and he [not unreasonably] perceives as her being self-servingly risk-averse. as adults, i think this would just cause them to butt heads in ways they both found quite boring - especially because sirius would be looking, in choosing a lover, for someone very like james, who was a fatal combination of daring, reckless, and permissive.

he wouldn't be getting that in hermione - who, while undeniably brave, isn't audacious in the way sirius values, and who shows affection primarily by nagging and meddling. she would understand telling him off for speeding on his bike as an expression of her concern for him and an articulation of what he means to her. he would regard it as insufferable - and i don't think he'd go in for the constant bickering and debating which is hermione's love-language.

i also think - much as i think when it comes to shipping hermione with snape - that they wouldn't be intellectually compatible. not in terms of level of intelligence, but in terms of this intelligence's expression. sirius' intellectual arrogance - that sort of "oh i know all this already" vibe - is complete anathema to someone who loves to acquire information. i think sirius is tuning out pretty quickly when hermione is giving him a page-by-page review of her new book - and i think she'd be right to consider that rude.

so my proposal? add ron in as the third.

that way everyone wins.

[hollow-prey]

yes I'm ace and sex-averse irl, and this is definitely not what I usually write about or my usual realm of comfort, but I've been itching to do some indulgent/vaguely experimental creative writing, and we're feeling a little...sensual today~

I think Errol would be a lot of fun to mess around with because I KNOW he's just a pathetic wreck waiting to happen and would be putty in Cyr's hands within 2 minutes of getting turned on. He talks a big game and acts like his usual cocky self, probably leaning into the smolder and making occasional suggestive remarks just to see how Cyr reacts, but he cracks pretty quickly once Cyr turns the tables and starts teasing him back. Such simple things as shifting closer and draping her legs over his lap, or lightly tracing his jaw, brushing her fingers along his body from one spot to another, murmuring things that seem so innocent and yet it's so clear that she's toying with him, immediately throw Errol off his game and leave him scrambling to regroup as Cyr continues to fluster him. Some part of him tries to maintain his dignity and uphold his confident, arrogant front, but it does not take long before he breaks and is nearly begging Cyr to stop dragging this out and do something.

Of course, he's not so caught up in the moment that he's going to let Cyr do all the work; because she gets to him so easily and does so much for him and he loves her so, so much, he's eager (and possibly even desperate) to prove himself and repay the favor however he can. Errol loves every little thing about Cyr, so her touch and affection combined with how beautiful he finds her really just makes him a little bit insane. In a good way. Especially when things get a bit heated. The man is being held together with duct tape and Precursor magic and he loses all sense of rhythm or stability with Cyr, all Errol knows is that he wants to make her happy and make everything worth her trouble. And yet Cyr's sincere, loving praise and whispered "I love you"s are some of the sweetest things he's ever heard, tapping into a deep-buried desire to be validated and wanted and loved that Errol didn't even know existed. Errol can't even fathom how fortunate he is to have someone like Cyr; no one else has ever had this effect on him, he's never felt so strongly for anyone else before, and no matter where they start, it ultimately doesn't take much to make Errol unravel

yes, I know this kinda came out of nowhere and it's a bit ooc for the blog, but. it's such a guilty pleasure to entertain. And while yes, this whole post was exceptionally suggestive, that doesn't mean that those are the only moments in their relationship where these emotions come into play; it can and does crop up in moments where they're just being soft and sincere and gentle with each other, no sultry undertones required. Basically I just love thinking of Errol as a pathetic (affectionate) mess when he and Cyr are alone sometimes, absolutely high on his love for Cyr and the things she does to him 💕

[byebyler]

SO I’m absolutely eating up everyone’s Byler posts and loving the unbridled optimism everyone is exhibiting towards our ship becoming canon

but

I just can’t get on board like some people. Because a lot of their reasoning hinges on “if the Duffers were smart, they’d...” and that is reason enough to say oh, no, then it’s not going to happen. Bc the Duffers aren’t smart. How can they be dropping all these hints and crafting a narrative so subtly, masterfully poignant when they literally forgot Will’s birthday this season. At this point, any stroke of genius found in the narrative seems to me to be a complete accidental coincidence 

Which is why I’m bracing myself for the absolute Worst Case Scenario when it comes to Will being gay, coming out, Byler, etc etc. And the WCS for me would be...

Will dies at the end of the season

It turns into another “bury your gays” trope and we’re all let down

My personal opinion on this season being split up is that there’s something completely and totally status quo breaking at the end. They want to give everyone a chance to sit with part one, digest it, and start all the crazy theorizing so everyone is primed for part two. And there’s something in part two that’s going to have everyone shocked and freaking out. I think the death of a main character would fit that bill

The hints for Byler are all there. The aversion to girls, the painting, El saying she thinks he’s interested in someone, all the awkwardness between him and Mike, the heart to hearts, [tender music playing], the whisperings of a love triangle in reviews, etc etc. It’s there, so I think it’s safe enough to say that yes, Will is gay. Yes, he’s into Mike. And honestly yes I do also think Mike is having a sexuality crisis, or at least a relationship crisis with El, so who really knows how that will go?? Whether the crush is requited or not, it would still hurt like hell if Will died as a conclusion to that story

My main reasoning for this WCS is the harness pic. That tells us Will gets snatched at some point, and the most obvious answer is that he gets picked up by Vecna. Same as Chrissy, same as Fred, same as Patrick, plus Max and Nancy

Now Max already had a daring escape, and Nancy has to be freed as well because there are still shots of her in the trailer that weren’t in part one, so they must be in part two. Plus we’ve yet to see the shot of Eddie playing guitar on top of his trailer in the upside down. What else could that be, if it’s not to play Nancy’s favorite song and save her?

So are we really going to have three close calls with no real deaths? Is Will going to be another fake out who gets snatched but eventually freed via the power of love and music and friendship? Is Vecna really only going to be 3 for 6?? I don’t know, I just can’t see them pulling the same fake out stunt three times in a row with main characters like that. Especially when it seems like they’re all resolved in similar ways (as far as we can guess, at least). So I don’t know, it just seems like lazy writing if they pull the same stunt three times. But then again... who knows?

And of course all the actors’ hints towards Will’s journey this season, saying there’s romance but also that it’s sad/emotional? I can’t remember their phrasing exactly but it was something like that. And of course any coming out scene would be emotional for us, but having it end in death would be unambiguously sad for everyone watching 

And then Will’s painting would be used much like Hopper’s letter at the end of the last season. Mike is mourning Will’s death on his own, spots the painting, unrolls it to see something even more emotional and something that spells out how Will always felt about him. But by now, it’s too late

But of course, that could all be bullshit. I sincerely hope it’s bullshit. Like I said, this is the Worst Case Scenario that I can think of. And why I think it COULD be a possibility

But I could be (and hope I’m) wrong about all of this. I think Steve is another big possibility for a main character that might die. And if he dies, I don’t think they’d kill two main characters like that. Will might not even be getting lifted up by Vecna. There’s a whole host of bullshit that could happen to him tbh. Or maybe the writers are lazy and will do the same fake out just to scare people three separate times. I just don’t know

My main reasoning AGAINST the “Will dies” theory would just be that the cast has been very coy and giggly whenever dancing around the subject of Will’s love life. And if Will died, and Finn and David were still acting like that in interviews... Well, they’d kind of be assholes, wouldn’t they? So that’s why I think this theory isn’t true

But like I said, I’m just lowering my expectations as much as I possibly can. Will dying would be the worst case scenario for me, both as a Byler shipper and just a big stan of Will in general. And I know if I let myself get too sucked into the positive theories then I’ll just end up being disappointed in the end. Most likely. Here’s hoping I’m super stupid and wrong. I’ll check back in in ~a month and we’ll see if I was right or wrong! xx

[jaehyunfirstlove]

can you write a fluff + smut where jaehyun and reader have been dating for one year but they still didn’t had sex because reader is too scared of it. but then reader thinks she’d love to give jaehyun what he deserves on his birthday (read : birthday sex) hhh thank you in advanced and congrats to you on achieving 1k ❤️❤️

Pairing: boyfriend!jaehyun x f.reader

Genre: fluff, smut (18+ only)

Warnings: unprotected sex, mentions of past relationship trauma

Word count: 1.5k

A/N: thank you for this request, hope you like it!

You were nervous, waiting for your boyfriend, Jaehyun, to come over to celebrate his birthday. It had been a little over a year since you started dating and you wanted to give him something really special. You’d been so grateful when you’d met him, when you had sworn off relationships after a particularly bad experience. But he’d been so understanding and empathetic, so sweet and gentle with you that it had broken down all of your defenses. He’d been the most supportive boyfriend, completely sympathetic to your aversion to sex, and content with just making out, making sure you were absolutely comfortable with him. Now, on his birthday, you decided to give him what he deserved.

You were fluffing up pillows when the doorbell rang, and answering the door your breath caught in your throat at the sight of your boyfriend. He was dressed semi-casually, in a button-up and jeans, but he still looked like a million bucks. You couldn’t help but sigh.

He was surprised, however, at what you were wearing. “Hey, babe,” he greeted you, eyeing your choice of wardrobe, “I thought we were going out?”

You just smiled. You had told him that you planned to go out for dinner, but instead you had planned a night in. You were wearing a bathrobe, with only lacy lingerie underneath.

“Actually, I thought I would give you your present first,” you said, keeping your tone very level so as not to give anything away.

He smiled, his eyes turning into crescents and his cheeks dimpling. “Aw, you didn’t have to get me anything,” he said shyly. You bit your lip to keep from laughing and pulled him inside. Once you got him to your bedroom he looked really confused.

“Just sit on the bed and get comfortable while I get it ready,” you said mysteriously, but he obeyed, sitting up against your headboard and closing his eyes, the smile never leaving his face.

You took a deep breath. Some of your nervousness remained, but seeing his face made all of your reservations go away. He was the one for you, you were sure of it, and you were sure of his feelings for you too. This was something you wanted to give him, something you thought you would never give to anyone ever again, but he had shown you that loving someone was still worth it.

You got onto the bed and straddled his legs, and he opened his mouth in shock but still didn’t open his eyes. “You can open your eyes now,” you said, and when he did, his eyes were soft but questioning.

“Y/N?” he looked deeply into your eyes, his hands by his sides.

You held up one end of the ties to your bathrobe to him, “Open your present.”

He didn’t take a hold of the tie just yet, just kept searching your face. “Are you sure?”

You nodded. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” You leaned forward, held his face in your hands and kissed him, deeply, pouring all of your want and need into the kiss.

When you pulled away you could feel him hard underneath you, lips flushed, eyes fluttering open. He kept his gaze on you, eyes hooded, as he pulled the tie slowly, your robe falling open to reveal your present to him. He inhaled sharply when he saw the black lace of your bra, and the matching panties that left very little to the imagination.

“Y/N,” he whispered, hands warm on your thighs, “what did I do to deserve this,” he mused.

“You were just being you,” you smiled at him, shrugging off the robe and rocking your hips against his hardened bulge. He hissed at the contact, and then his hands were on your hips, lips attacking your neck as you continued to rub yourself against him. You could feel yourself getting wetter as you moved, as his lips sucked on your skin. You felt that need building up inside you, that want for more, that you had suppressed for so long because of your previous bad experience. You knew Jaehyun would never treat you like that, but you were afraid nonetheless. You knew now was the time though, and nothing was going to hold you back.

“Take this off,” you breathed, pulling at his shirt, and he obliged, unbuttoning it and taking it off. You took a moment to run your palms over the smooth skin of his chest, the hard ridges of his abs, and then you were tugging at his jeans. “These too.”

He lifted you slightly off him to pull his jeans down, his eyes never leaving your face. You could tell he wanted to make sure you were comfortable, prepared to stop anytime you said the word, and that just made you want him even more. Impatiently you tugged his boxers down and he chuckled.

“Hey, I was trying to go slow,” he teased, but you were so aroused you had no time for going slow.

“I just want you,” you said, leaning in and sucking on his neck to encourage him. You lost yourself in the feel of him, in the taste of his skin, in the deep groans from his throat as you sucked on his sweet spot.

“Oh, baby,” he groaned, when you rubbed your clothed pussy against his cock. “That feels good.”

Not wanting to waste any more time you reached down and pulled your panties aside, positioning yourself over his cock. You paused, as he held your hips.

“Look at me,” he said, his voice soft but firm. You met his eyes, conviction in your gaze. “We can still stop, if you want to.”

You shook your head. “I want this, Jaehyun. I want you.”

He searched your eyes, and when he was satisfied with your honest conviction he nodded. You started to sink yourself down on his cock, slowly, some of the fear returning as the feeling started to bring back memories. But Jaehyun wasn’t your ex, Jaehyun was gentle and sweet, he would never do anything to hurt you. He still held your hips, eyes still on yours, but after the initial stretch your fear dissipated. He stroked your skin, murmured words of encouragement, kissed you softly until your arousal returned in full force.

“That’s it, baby, you’re doing so well,” he breathed against your ear, “so good for me.”

The praise threw you over the edge and you started to rock your hips against him. You’d almost forgotten how good sex could feel, and the way Jaehyun was making you feel was beyond anything you’d ever felt, sexual or otherwise.

“Oh, oh god, Jaehyun,” you felt warmth spread throughout your body, a knot forming in the pit of your stomach that you’d never felt before. You realized you’d never orgasmed before, your ex never caring about your pleasure. You rocked your hips harder, chasing the feeling, fingers digging into Jaehyun’s shoulder.

“Come for me, baby,” he whispered, and then he pulled the lace of your bra aside, captured a nipple in his mouth and sucked. The knot in your stomach snapped, and you came with your head thrown back, a loud moan escaping your throat. You were helpless as your body shuddered around him, your pussy pulsing around his cock, and when you finally stilled you couldn’t help but be shocked at the effect.

“Holy shit,” you whispered, and you could feel Jaehyun chuckle against your skin as he peppered your neck and chest with kisses.

“That was a strong one,” he smiled, his cock throbbing inside you signaling that he hadn’t come yet.

“Your turn now,” you said, squeezing your walls around him, “fuck me.”

He hissed as you squeezed around him, and then he was flipping you onto your back onto the bed. He caressed your face, eyes soft as he looked at you. “Tell me if I hurt you, okay?”

You nodded, giving him the go ahead, and then he was pounding you into the bed. The knot in your stomach started to form ridiculously fast, the way his hips were slapping against yours, the way his cock kept hitting your g-spot, it was all threatening to make you come faster than you expected.

“Oh Jae, oh god, I’m gonna come again!”

“Come, baby, come for me,” he groaned, his voice deep and raspy, “god I love you so much, you’re so fucking good for me.”

A cry tore from your throat when you came, and he followed soon after, pulling you flush against him as he spilled into you with a deep groan. He held you like that for a while after, just pressing soft kisses to your collarbone as you ran your hands up and down his back.

“Happy birthday, Jaehyun,” you whispered, and you felt him smile against your skin.

“Thank you, Y/N,” he said, sincerity evident in his eyes as he pulled back to look at you. “That was honestly the best birthday present I’ve ever gotten.”

---

Thank you for 1k!