#yeah I'm ungrateful

[apostate-in-an-alcove]

I'm at a point in my life and where I feel the way I feel about my parents and I refuse to let anyone guilt trip me or shame me for it.

[fairyroses]

No one’s asking for your help. I’m only trying to save her, Clark.

— SMALLVILLE, “Apocalypse” (7.18)

[linguenuvolose]

I applied for a new job today 😩

[baishouqijia]

ooc. just a lil life update cause i despawned despite having 3 weeks free. i still have my job, and will probably return next week. i know i didn't write anything that i wanted to but i actually really needed the break. it's the longest i've had off work in the past 5 years so i spent the entire time decompressing and just loafing. it was great, genuinely.

[rollercoasterwords]

(this is from marxismlupinism btw just sending an anon cause still shadowbanned + dont want my r/s blog tied to my main blog anyway)

lmao if only my followers were your followers literally idk why my anons r so mad im just stating the established party line of the blog they chose to follow...

literally every online community ive been in youve been able to say you think the community has XYZ problem and people could discuss the problem and suggest solutions honestly baffling that peoples response to someone saying the hp fandom is transphobic is to go "no it's not" instead of, idk, either trying to make it less transphobic if you think it's salvageable or leaving it if you think it's unsalvageable. the only communities ik that would respond to an accusation of transphobia w denial rather than taking trans people's concerns seriously are, well, actually overtly explicitly transphobic communities lol... and the people claiming they "engage critically" are very clearly not if their response to criticism of the hp fandom is to be defensive—if you engage critically with something that means taking seriously good faith criticism of the thing you engage critically with. like i "engaged critically" w hp/rs for the past 2.5 years and i have never ever gotten defensive at someone criticising hp or its fandom (esp since like... almost all the people criticising hp or its fandom are trans and im not gonna go harass another trans person for being understandably upset at ppl engaging w transphobic media lol).

hp fans (including tme trans hp fans—and, btw, we're well aware there are some transmasculine hp fans, the rest of the trans community just think they suck and are losers lol and i can't imagine that the transmasc hp fans aren't aware of this fact unless they just dont interact w other trans people outside the hp fandom at all) will criticise hp and jkr while believing that the hp fandom itself is above criticism. this does the dual work of distancing themselves from harry potter/jkr, which even they cannot defend/pretend is not bad, while also absolving themselves of all responsibility for any transphobia & transmisogyny they perpetuate or engage in. it's honestly a deeply immature way of engaging with media as well as one that logically falls apart under any scrutiny—firstly, if you accept that hp and its author are deeply bigoted, isn't it just logical that its fanbase would share the politics of the source media? secondly, this is just empirically false lol. there didnt always used to be basically no trans women in the hp fandom—i myself used to be friends with several back in the old days—but most transfems left the fandom in 2020–2021 bc of jkr's increasing transmisogyny. and speak to any of the transfems who did leave at that time and they can tell you their firsthand experiences. like, i really dunno how you can claim the hp fandom isnt transmisogynistic without just outright saying that you think most trans women are crazy and making shit up when they say they dont want anything to do with hp or its fans.

anyway ill stop writing essays in ur inbox now rae xoxo love ya have a nice day!

hi laura <3 yeah truly i think it is so weird that someone would choose 2 follow a blog on tumblr.com which clearly states "i don't like hp/hp fandom" and then get mad when that blog makes a post saying. "i don't like hp/hp fandom." babe why r u at the criticizing hp fandom store if u don't want hp fandom criticism....

and yeah i've talked before on my blog abt how like. i do not think we can "separate" fandom from jkr + the inherent shittiness of hp + my personal stance is that i think if u are engaging with hp fandom in 2023 u should at least be prepared to acknowledge + address the fact that u are engaging w a fundamentally conservative piece of media that is rooted in horrible politics, bc if u don't fully understand how jkr's politics are steeped throughout the franchise then it is much more likely that u will just be. absorbing + perpetuating them.

i think something that gets left out of a lot of conversations abt jkr even when discussing how shitty she is within hp fandom is the fact that like. yeah she's broadly transphobic, but she is specifically transmisogynistic, and the politics + policies she endorses are most targeted + harmful towards trans women. in my personal experience thus far in hp fandom i've encountered a lot of tme trans people, and i think there can be this tendency to go "well i'm trans and i know so many trans people who have carved out a space in this fandom that is super affirming + positive for ourselves, so obviously there is no transphobia here" and like. bc of the strong emotional connection to what people view as a safe queer space it can feel like an attack or whatever when someone goes "ok but. have u considered transmisogyny." or just whenever someone is like. rude/mean/cunty in their criticism of hp--but like. tbh as tme trans people i just think it's more important to recognize that many other trans people (and especially tma trans people) have a reason for being rude/mean/cunty in their criticism of hp and even if it hurts ur feelings it's more important to actually think about where that critique is coming from then to get upset bc u feel like it wasn't phrased nicely. at the end of the day just bc a space feels safe 2 u does not mean it is going 2 feel safe 2 everyone!!

[one-winged-dreams]

I'm just so fucking tired of it all

[idiosyncraticrednebula]

Just because a woman has the ability to give birth, it doesn't automatically mean that she is gonna be a good mother, and the way I've seen a LOT of mothers act and what they say """""jOkiNgLy""""" online proves that point.

[shadowglens]

isa has such a complicated relationship with her childhood and trauma. she'll downplay it at most opportunities, or simply lie to avoid a conversation she doesn't want to have. before the events of bg3, only one person outside of her immediate family knows of her past, and esra is isadora's most trusted confidant. no one in the party discovers even an inkling of her past until act 3.

she isn't an orphan, wasn't horribly abused, didn't have something equally as terrible happen to her as a young child, and when most people she meets have had something truly horrible happen to them, it seems small of her to complain. her parents weren't cruel and provided her a fairly well-off upbringing with a governess to boot. still, when she came of age, she didn't hesitate to flee neverwinter and never return.

her human parents, particularly her mother, were mortified when isa was born with her pink toned skin and stubby horns and the inkling of a tail. her mother outright refused to try for more children for the fear of birthing any more tieflings, and grieved the large family she had always wanted for years when isa was young. her father loved her as much as he could in his stilted way, but he also never brought her into the family's merchant business despite her begging.

isa wasn't locked away, per se, but she had known from a very young age that she'd brought shame to her family, that she was unwanted. she was fed, and educated, and given any and all lessons she wanted, but she had few friends and suffered more scalding from her governess than she did affection from her parents. it was a lonely, guilded cage of a childhood.

[hikeyzz]

i don't like my body changing outside of my control!!!!! i don't like it i don't like it i don't like it. i know some people would be grateful but i'm not. it's freaky and uncomfortable.

[iero]

The sadness of this tour ending in about two weeks is only hitting me now... 

[uneryx]

Emergency Comissions

[aftermathing]

I'm like. actively being abused at home. What do I even do about that.

[obstinatecondolement]

I fucking hate Saturday mornings, when, instead of my dad dropping me to the train when he's bringing my sister to her day service, my mother ~helpfully~ gives me a lift when she goes for a swim (in the ocean, so like... not something she needs to get to at a set time like in a pool) at a time that requires me to be ready to leave the house a half hour earlier than I would otherwise. And because she's "available" to drop me at a time that is "convenient" no one else will bring me.

[silverquillsideas]

Being mad at your online friends is like : *removes your timezone from my clock app* 😤

[averagelonelypotato]

me: craves friendship and understanding more than ever 

people I know: only talking to me when they need something, don’t make me feel welcomed, drains me and only takes, never there when i need them.

me: 

[shiningstages]

Not to be a huge debbie downer or anything, but I honestly don’t know when I’ll be on here for the foreseeable future, because bad stuff has just been happening lately (reason below - tw: hospitals, tw: gore mention, tw: grandparents / old people) (it’s bunches of family drama too, so be warned I  may not sound the nicest down there)

Both of my grandparents on my mom’s side are in the hospital right now. My pawpaw (as I call my grandpa), had been slowly deteriorating for months now - for a year or two actually, with growing dementia and jumping to past events, and absentmindedly (again, tw: gore mention) chewing his fingers off literally. I’ve seen his hands change and it’s not the most fun to say the least. He’s only been in and out of hospitals and service homes for I guess half a year? But he’s really gone downhill these last couple weeks though, not breathing well but being lucid enough to refuse breathing help like a tube, and plenty of other things I won’t really say (even though my grandma loves to text every detail to everyone).

My granna (my grandma; her name’s anna, so granna) fell in the hospital parking lot just now. Got staples in because she had a bit of blood on her brain; only let my mom know about it so as “not to worry the rest of the family”. My mom’s driving over to the hospital (while a tropical storm is coming through! yay!) to be with her in case decisions need to be made on her part.

And, to be perfectly honestly, I absolutely don’t care, while also feeling frustrated and upset about it. This side of my family has never really been kind (for the most part; one uncle and a couple cousins are cool, one of which being the cousin that introduced me to tumblr rp and everything, so I’m very thankful and kinda close to her still). When I was a little kid I never really noticed, but in my middle / high school years, and especially as an adult, these people just haven’t really cared about my immediate family at all. Most of this is emotional / mental abuse towards my mother during her time at the family business (stuff I won’t get into because it’s not my place), but also just not wanting to be a part of our lives and not including us in theirs, to the point where (as the adult I am now) they just feel like distant strangers. I’m not saying my grandparents specifically are in the latter camp; they’ve expressed love for my brother and I throughout the years. But as my grandpa had really started to mellow out / not really take in the world too much outside of food and the occasional conversation, my grandmother had gotten more noticeably self-centered with every remark. It didn’t help that my mom’s relationship with them worsened and I saw and heard her feelings firsthand about what kind of people they were versus what had changed or stayed the same about them, but they have truly felt so distant for the past few years especially.

Yet, despite that, and despite feeling much more okay about their passing once it happens, I know I’ll still be upset about it. I know that, despite her feelings, my mom is upset about it and will become more upset by it once it happens. My brother has so much more empathy and love for them than I can muster; he sobbed just looking at our grandfather when he agreed to go up and visit on Monday. I know other family members that I haven’t seen in years - in a couple cases probably a literal decade - will have varying degrees of feelings over it as well. And I know that’s all understandable and okay. That I don’t love these two people as much as I did anymore, and that I know I’m more upset for the people I love much more hurting around me. But that I’m still feeling upset over it, whether through the remnants of love I have for these people, or for the outpouring of love and comfort I want to give to my immediate family when the time comes.

My grandparents on my dad’s side died really suddenly. In the hospital for less than a week each (granted a few years apart from one another), and then suddenly they were gone. Really finally understanding the flipside of it with my grandfather - the slow crawl and loss of functions or mobility - only kind of makes my feelings on this worse. In part because - I know I’ve probably sounded really rude, but forgive me for sounding extremely rude and distasteful - I expected him to die so many times already, knowing that nobody (not even himself) likes how he’s living now. And then my grandmother reaching out to my mom for support once more, when that’s all she’s ever done...it really feels too annoying and heartbreaking. Find a different person who cares.

I just really needed to vent about this. I know this isn’t the best place for it, but I don’t want to clog friend discords with it since so much has been happening everywhere as is. If besties see this especially, hello and I love you bunches~ I’ll probably still respond to discord stuff, just know I may not be in the highest of spirits.