#yes they’re capable of genuine love and empathy

[angrylesbianstereotype]

As someone who works w animals “animals are not mindless automatons, they actually do have feelings and individuality and are capable of feeling acute physical and emotional pain and of forming deep attachments with other animals and people” and “animals are not human infants and have a limited capacity to communicate with humans so you have to familiarize yourself with their boundaries bc if they feel threatened or overstimulated they will fall back on their basic instincts and if you fuck around you are going to find out” are statements that can and should coexist

[unearthlyfromage]

Une's Nonsensical Ramblings Episode 2 Part 2:

Reverse Falls; A continuation

In the previous installment, we covered the Stan's and their narrative (covering A Tale of Two Stan's which leads to the shows story).

Now that that's done, we can move onto the Star Twins as well as the Gleefuls and the Northwests

But first, an addendum that I forgot to cover; 

Fiddleford and his involvement. 

Given that the science project is never broken, Ford never meets Fidds. So, how does he become involved? Well, Ford uses Bill as an information gatherer during the construction of the portal. Given Fiddleford's proficiency with electronics, as well as his overall involvement with the Cipher Wheel, we cannot put it past Bill to recommend Fiddleford as a lead designer and construction manager. The portal incident still occurs, Fiddleford still sees what’s on the other side, still quits the project and tells Ford off for his insanity (perhaps the jumbling of his mind and memories is less caused by his own invention and more caused by Ford demanding Bill scramble his head for insubordination). 

With that covered, we’ll handle the meat and potatoes of the post! Dipper, Mabel, the Gleeful’s and the Northwest. 

Dipper;

Dipper has always been a headstrong, more independent introvert type character with an anxiety issue and a bit of a hero complex and a little, tiny bit of a shorter fuse. He’s also an overthinker by nature, and an avid follower of rules/checklists and not very willing to stray from the plan.

Taking the fact that the talisman amplifies your worse/negative qualities, as well as dampening things like empathy and expressing genuine compassions to people the wielder don’t inherently care about, we can infer that;

Dipper would be far more confident in himself, yet his anxieties would still exist, leading to him being even more quiet and reserved with one hell of a mean bone in him. Can’t crack the facade of confidence if he doesn’t let the crowd know how badly his voice cracks or how hard he’s sweating from nervousness, no - that shows weakness. He’d be more opportunistic, and likely to put others down to make himself feel better. His shorter fuse would be amplified, leading to him being a lot more easier to anger and pester into a blow up or nervous fit. He tends to analyze people, see what they’re most insecure about and use it to insult them when they’ve upset him. 

However, he is still a child, the effects of the talisman aren’t as deep seeded yet. He still cares for others, it’s just dampened, not at the forefront. He’s far more likely to put himself in top priority, the only time where this isn’t the case is in regards to his sister Mabel. He’d still drop anything for her, if he had too or she asked him too. His bond with Mabel is still strong, despite it al. Even if they pester and annoy each other at times, they still work together, they are still siblings (I hate the versions of this AU where Dipper and Mabel hate each other. Makes NO sense). Just like Ford, he wants a future full of recognition and capability, to be higher than others. But unlike Ford, he wouldn’t do unspeakable acts to make that happen. 

Mabel;

Mabel is confident and chaos embodied, just like in canon. She’s not as open as she once was, now more opting to stay silent and listen intently when it’s opportune for her, though is loud and energetic just like in canon. Yes, she did eavesdrop on your conversation, yes she will remember that weakness you mentioned, no she won’t tell you she heard, for blackmail of course. She’s far more antagonistic, eager to push people’s buttons and see what makes them tick, but she still has a bubbly air about her. She’s very into arts and crafts, still wears hand-knit sweaters and loves rainbows and sugar, she’s just got a bit of a mean-girl backbone now, less empathetic to the people and animals around her (she still cares, again, it’s just dampened). 

She is childish, and immature, just like in canon (Because they’re fucking kids [kids under evil influence are still kids] let them be kids goddmanit Reverse Falls fandom), But if you were to call her out on it she’d lash out, as it’s something she’s not particularly proud of. She envies Dipper in certain ways, but will never state it, for she knows he’d likely hold it over her head when in arguments. Despite this all, she still cares for him deeply, and knows that he would gladly give something up for her. Whether she knows it or not, she takes advantage of that quite often. Just like Stan, she wants luxuries, to never lift a finger and indulge in sweets and fun and parties for the rest of her life. But unlike Stan, she wants to do it (mostly) honestly. 

Both Of Them;

Dipper and Mabel’s talismans work differently, being the same ones Ford and Stan grew up with. Mabel’s is telepathic in nature, while Dipper’s is telekinetic. Mabel can control the astral plane, while Dipper can control the corporeal plane. 

If you remember, I had Stan’s be telekinetic and Ford’s be telepathic. Wouldn’t this be wrong, to have it on the wrong parallel? 

No. And here’s why;

While the main parallel between them is Ford - DIpper and Stan - Mabel, this isn’t true for everything. I had the talismans match their fighting styles, because the way one fights tells a lot about how they generally handle many situations/are most capable of doing. 

In regards to how they handle themselves in combat, it’s actually Ford - Mabel, and Stan - Dipper. Ford and Mabel prefer ranged weapons (I.E, Ford’s plasmatic pistol and Mabel’s grappling gun) while Stan and Dipper prefer melee weapons (I.E Stan’s brass knuckles and Dipper’s improvisation of fists and objects around him). 

How they see the Grunks;

Dipper still sees Ford as a role model, someone to look up too and take guidance from. Unlike canon, Ford doesn’t find it odd or pressuring. Instead he’s more than willing to coach Dipper, take on a teaching role and push the boy’s limits to achieve greatness. Dipper would do just about anything to impress Ford, though he does have limits, unlike some (*cough* Stan *cough*).

Mabel, however, sees him as the Fun Police and dislikes how Ford always shuts down her plots and plans. whenever the blue moon rises and she DOES have a chance to talk to him. She’s envious of the time he and Dipper spend together, and feels as if she’s being replaced, so she isn’t particularly nice towards Ford. She’s respectful, sure, but she wouldn’t knit the guy a sweater unless it were a matching set with Stan.

Dipper sees Stan as a custodian, a negligent one at that. Sure he can cook (if the servants don’t already do that, though some days he does) and he’s homely, a lot more than Ford is, but he knows Stan’s wholly about the money. Especially since the first thing he did was test their abilities to see how extravagant a show they could make for his tent. It’d be insulting to him, if it weren’t so rewarding with the way people cheered and revered him. He wouldn’t turn to the old sod for advice the same way he would Ford, but he has noted Stan is much more proficient with people than he or Ford, so he would ask in regards to crowds and coaching for shows. Beyond that? He’s a weird old man with a penchant for jewels and he doesn’t care for it much. 

There was one thing he did find interesting, though. Despite acting a fool, (Even Ford, when questioned, took no hesitation to say his brother is “Kind and loyal, yet ignorant. He is fine not knowing the things you or I seek, son. He is akin to a dog, a follower at heart. He does as I say. Not like us, my boy. We are something greater. We are leaders. We are rulers. Stanley and Mabel, they are Knights or Stewards. They’ll do just about anything.”) Dipper can tell he’s hiding something. He knew more than he seemed.

Mabel, however, adores Stan. Nothing is better than a jovial kleptomaniac of an old codger. Sure he’s odd, and a lot of the smiles he throws are fake, and he eyes Ford with a wary fear she can’t describe at times, but he’s fine. Stan lets her do what she wants, spend (certain amounts) of money how she wants, use whatever room in the manor for whatever she wants. The shows he throws are fun, and performing in them is a great joy. She can’t help but notice, though, just how much he worries when he isn’t busy being money conscious, or how natural it is for him to lead the two of them away when Ford is unhappy. What was he hiding? And why?

How they see Gideon and Pacifica;

Dipper sees them as weird kids that can’t stop trespassing. One claims their Great Uncles are terrible men, the other is so stuck up and pretentious he wouldn’t listen to her if he wanted too. Which he most definitely doesn’t. Yet another pair of wackjobs in this undoubtedly lead-poisoned town.

Mabel sees Gideon as an annoying little kid that won’t stop asking questions she doesn’t really care for. He hates her Great Uncles, and while she agrees about what he says in regards to Ford sometimes, the things he calls Stan is uncalled for and she has favoritism issues. Pacifica is an asshole and not worth her time. Why argue with someone like that when she could instead focus on the sweater she’s working on? If she truly does get upset, she could just tell Dipper. He’d handle it for her.

Gideon;

Coming from a humble upbringing, Gideon is a sweet kid with smarts and charm. Since he never found the talisman, he grows up as normal as they come in the rural Oregon town. Given how young Gideon is in canon (he’s 10) it’s safe to say he found the talisman at a young age and over-used it to become corrupt incredibly quickly (A mix of power-tripping and using it for financial gain so frequently). So chances are a lot of his personality is forged purely from that, hence why he has very little good qualities to speak of. (Which is really fucked up when you think about it.) Given this, I won’t go big into his personality since I don’t have much to go off of, so instead I’ll go more in-depth to his general place in the story/AU.

He’s a Gravity Falls native, born and raised, and all he knows is that his father has been having issues with the Pines men for quite some time now. He could barely tell them both apart, given the fact that one rarely ever left their huge house (for the longest time the town suspected the other was missing, or didn’t even exist to begin with) but he knew one well. And Stan had been trying to hard-push the family out of Gravity Falls for all of his life, offering money and other items. They were a powerful family, one of the most wealthy, and the townsfolk loved them. 

He knew something was off about them. The look in the old guys eyes whenever he’d show up at the door, or the soulless way the other one of them (the one nearly no one knew) always glared down at the town. It gave him the jeepers. Whatever it was they were hiding (if anything) must’ve been big. 

And he wanted to find out. If not to get them out of the town entirely, then to get them the hell away from the property. It was theirs, and that wasn’t going to change. Not if he had anything to say about it. 

So, he does what he can. Sneaking into shows, backstage if possible, he’s also been banned from the manor indefinitely since he’d broken in before, but that wasn’t stopping him any. At the very least, he’d stolen a book. 

Journal 3.

Pacifica;

Still wealthy, still snooty, still a Northwest. She doesn’t change much at all, because it doesn’t make sense for her to. Everybody else, Gideon included, has the most change because it regards the talisman and the influence it holds on the person.  

Instead, her role is similar to Gideons. But born out of an entirely different place. The Pines are a wealthy family, they compete with the Northwests quite often. Preston doesn’t like it. So he’s put it up to Pacifica to get as much dirt as possible about them to undermine their community power and eventually cause an uprising powerful enough to drive the old sods away. 

Nobody fucks with the Northwests, and if she wanted to prove her worth to her family name, she had to uphold that statement as best she could. Her teaming up with Gideon was a matter of happenstance. Originally she was going to steal the book from him and leave him in the dirt, but Gideon had a lot of intel she didn’t. 

How she sees the Pines;

Stan - A threat, a disgusting old man that smells like roses and kerosine and lies. His smile was as fake as his handshake and his sense of humor was as stale as fresh peasant food. If it were up to her? Just wait for them to die of age. But her father wanted them gone, and he wanted them gone quickly. 

Ford - A wildcard. She knew nothing about him, rarely ever saw him, and he creeped the whole town out. There were many speculations, but none of them were what she was looking for. So, she ignores his existence entirely. Not important, or what she needed to know. And if she didn’t need to know, she didn’t want to know. 

Dipper - An asshole that isn’t important to her goal. Gross birthmark and sweat stains. 

Mabel - An asshole that isn’t important to her goal. Ratty split ends and gross braced smile.

She doesn’t like any of them, she could care less about them. All she wanted in regards to them, was to see them leave. That’s it. If she has to team up with the poor car salesman’s son to do that? So be it. 

General notes;

Most people have this AU focus on Gideon and Pacifica. While I do the love the idea, there’s also another take that I personally find interesting; A subversion of the classic tale, told from the child antagonists that don’t know their family is the villains of the story, and that they are the ones in the wrong, until the big twist at the end that’s been foreshadowed throughout the series. A “Not What He Seems” situation, but if Stan/Ford actually WAS a criminal vagrant, so to say. 

One thing that’s rife in Gravity Falls as a whole, is the theme of Family. And I tried to keep that as a forefront just like in the original show because it’s so important. 

Obviously the Pines are family (and more in-depthly, siblings) revolved. Just like in the show, both the Stan Twins and the Star Twins are parallels that have dynamics as complicated as anything and telling as ever. And even though they’re all corrupted by mystical influence, family still matters (to some more than others *cough* Ford *cough*). 

For Gideon and Pacifica, they’re family oriented in their own ways. They have the same goal, but for different reasons. Gideon’s is born from a place of love and the will to fix a bad situation, whereas Pacifica is fueled by the demands of her parents and her need to impress them, show worth. 

Reverse Falls, boiled to its core, is the reversal of the protagonist and antagonist roles, in regards to character rivals.

Stan’s rival is Bud. Ford’s is Bill. Dipper’s is Gideon, and Mabel’s is Pacifica. 

However, unlike most depictions of this AU, changing them as drastically as they have just isn’t right to me anyways. Sure the Pines are WAY different from canon here, but it makes sense. Having Gideon and Pacifica be cousins to some degree or whatever the hell? Doesn’t make sense. 

Having Pacifica stay stuck up and, most importantly, a Northwest, and Gideon stay a 10 year old boy with motivations and a certain degree of naivety, opens the gates to character development that grows throughout the series. A sense of found siblings as well, that grows with each episode. They have ulterior motives, ones that span the background of the show, but they’re also still kids. Let them be kids. Please, I beg of you. 

Same goes for Dipper and Mabel. Perhaps they have more negative character development, as time goes on, being coached by the elder twins to be that way. Dipper becomes more independent, and Mabel becomes more unruly. Ford is a lot more uncaring. As if he’s above mortal squabble, which in a way, he is. He’s hiding a lot. 

Something I’ve placed here and there throughout, is how worried Stan is. Because honestly? He is worried. He loves Ford with all his heart and would do everything for him. But he never thought he’d ask for what he did. And Stan never thought he’d be able to deliver.

(Keeping some of this cryptic in case I make a fic about this revision of the Reverse Falls AU)

If there’s more you want to know regarding this, feel free to reblog with a question, or pop into my asks! I’m more than willing to answer. 

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 318: On Your Left

Previously on BnHA: The Hawksquad+Lurkers were all “well this sucks” and sat around a bit talking about how maybe they should actually come up with a new plan that is actually good, but then in the end they were like “nah.” Deku was all, “THERE’S SOMETHING INSIDE ME THAT PULLS BENEATH THE SURFACE!! CONSUMING, CONFUSING!! THIS LACK OF SELF CONTROL I FEAR IS NEVERENDING. IT’S HAUNTING HOW I CANT SEEM TO FIND MYSELF AGAIN. MY WALLS ARE CLOSING IN.” Just, literally that whole entire song. All Might was all “Deku you should take care of yourself, try eating a thing,” and Deku was all “BYE, ALL MIGHT,” and just LEFT. He left!!! What the fuck!!!

Today on BnHA: Endeavor is all, “maybe if Deku didn’t listen to All Might he’ll listen to me instead.” Deku is all, “[doesn’t listen to Endeavor]” because, well, yeah. The Vestiges are all, “surprisingly, even we are a little concerned -- maybe you should get some rest, kid.” Deku is all, “((Ò ‸ Ó)).” The Vestiges are all, “holy shit.” Deku is all, “[wanders the ruined city streets terrifying the populace on account of him looking like Shelob had a baby with one of the Nazgul].” Some shriveled-up puppeteer villain asshole is all, “HORIKOSHI SAID IT’S MY TURN TO ATTACK DEKU TODAY SO I AM GOING TO SUMMON MY FRIGHTENED HELPLESS ATTACK MOB!!” Kacchan is all “WHADDYA MEAN THEY FOUND THE NERD!!! -- oh wait, that’s me, I found him. I found the nerd, you guys.” And just in time, too. I was about to owe a whole lot of people a whole lot of dollars.

so I have been super good about spoilers this week as always, but let me tell you guys, for the past 36 hours my dash filters have basically been nonstop “manga spoilers” this and “bnha 318” that, and so I’m coming in with a fair amount of hype here. your move, Horikoshi

oh, good! they got Endeavor to call Deku to try to talk him out of it. what a great and wonderful plan

“listen up kid, you haven’t slept since March and you are basically a walking biohazard right now, I’m just telling it like it is. didn’t you get shot like three times?? and there was a whole thing about how you urgently needed medical attention?? and supposedly we gave it to you, but I mean you haven’t even changed your clothes and don’t seem to have any fresh bandages or anything, so did we?? did we, really?? and also we all got blown up yesterday, so yeah.” hmm he’s making some reasonable points here you guys, but you sure do go on and on, Endeavor

oh he says foreign aid is finally on its way! I’m sure they’ll be very helpful. I mean in fairness they can hardly be worse than the home-grown heroes at this point

hey Enji, could you maybe try appealing to Deku the sixteen-year-old human boy, as opposed to Deku The World’s Last Hope? he does have value beyond his quirk. I know that’s always been an incredibly difficult concept for you to grasp, but could you maybe TRY, jesus

and also we’re worried about you as a person?? you’re just a kid and you’re pushing yourself way too hard?? you were going to say that part next, right. why the hell didn’t Hawks make this call instead

“don’t worry about me... I’m completely fine” Deku you do understand that saying it over and over again doesn’t actually make it true

and again with the rush!! all the rush rush rush!! we’re running out of time, we can’t let AFO and Tomura keep getting stronger, I have to end this now, there’s no time to rest, etc. etc. etc. just the constant pressure of this whole big countdown on top of everything else

holy shit, you KNOW it’s bad when even the Vestiges are telling him to chill

these guys are basically the walking talking embodiments of self-sacrifice; if even they’re telling him he needs to take five, then he must seriously be like half a step away from death’s door

OH SHIT LMAO

DIDN’T EVEN LET HIM FINISH HIS SENTENCE BEFORE HE SENT HIM INTO THE FUCKING SHADOW REALM WITH THAT FUCKING LOOK. HOLY FUCK. DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO DIE TWICE. SHIT

(ETA: so I’m pretty sure this was just Danger Sense activating and so he cut them off to go do more hero stuff, but I’m gonna go ahead and stick to my original interpretation anyway lol.)

anyway so how’s everybody doing. we all good? En, you good? Banjou? Shino? I’m imagining you guys all curled up in a little ball on the floor right now lol. can’t say I blame you though, no shame

lmaoooooooooooo

“SHEESH.” sheesh indeed, lmao. “what in the FUCK was that”

see, this is why y’all need Kacchan. you need someone who’s not going to back down from him no matter what. if it’s a matter of out-stubborning Midoriya fucking Izuku, then there’s only one other person on the planet capable of that, and we all know it. don’t pretend like you don’t. I am not going to shut up about this! we’ve had our hurt so now what about SOME COMFORT, DAMMIT

“I’m afraid that he’s becoming influenced by my conscience” nah are you kidding Nana this is all 100% made-in-Japan pure original Deku right here

see, Banjou gets it. “that kid, he’s totally going on his own.” exactly. this was so inevitable it was basically scientific law

“well I for one don’t see the problem with Deku being so obsessed with saving everyone else that he pushes himself until his body and soul literally fall apart” okay, whose speech bubbles are these?? we’re about to have words

lol of course

well you always did prefer the direct route didn’t you. but even you can’t possibly think this is okay lol

dark AU!Kacchan please tell us more about your badass doomed timeline in which everything went to shit and you apparently had the same character arc that Deku is having right now except it somehow made you sexier instead of turning you into a rabid t-rex. I have so many questions

oh so now you want to help??? well -- good, actually. sorry if that sounded offended just now lol

(ETA: so at first when I got to the end of this chapter I was wondering if Katsuki B. had somehow summoned his alternate-universe counterpart through trippy OFA space telepathy lol. but in the original Japanese there’s no reference to “we”, so this appears to be a mistranslation. this line should probably read more like “if there’s something/someone out there that would be able to complement/complete the current Midoriya Izuku [it would be]…” which, oh hello, is that Horikoshi once again reaffirming that Deku and Bakugou complete each other lol. “guess what guys, the Vestiges ship it too" heck yeah. they know what’s up!)

look how admiring his boyfriends are. HORIKOSHI GIVE US THE REST OF THIS BACKSTORY ALREADY GODDAMMIT

“meanwhile somewhere in the depths of the ruined city, Deku was having a dance-off with the villains”

I like how the villains all have this “AHH WHAT THE FUCK” kind of body language to them lol. I mean if it were me, and an eldritch horror suddenly clawed its way from the shadows with its writhing glowy tentacles and pants-shitting nuclear death stare, I would probably just die on the spot. no need to stick around. only pain awaits

lol for a minute I thought this was Can’t Ya See-kun and I was like “WHAT A FASCINATING CROSSING OF PATHS” but it’s just some random girl

he seems genuinely confused lol

Deku it’s because you look like something that crawled out of a sewer drain, sweetheart

lol they just took his word for it?

so trusting. even though they’re immediately hauling ass anyway just to be safe lmao

“my appearance is frightening to others” no shit Deku it’s because you look like a fucking alien exorcism. you look like a Lich that got caught up in an oil spill my dude

NO NOT THE CHOSEN ONE ANGST AGAIN

I RAN OUT OF ESSAY JUICE FOR THIS ALREADY HORIKOSHI!! I’VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT FOR MONTHS NOW WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG!! BUT ANYWAYS, GOOD!! I MEAN, BAD, THOUGH, OBVIOUSLY. BUT YES

“ENJOY THIS MONTAGE OF DEKU BATTLING A RANDOM KAIJU AND WANDERING THE WOODS LIKE A DERANGED GREEN BABA YAGA” okay yes but sir, exactly how much longer is this going to go on. if it’s a matter of you wanting to make sure we get it, let me assure you that aside from a few stray chuunis who think that Deku embracing the Darkness is the coolest thing he’s ever done, all of us here in fandom fully comprehend that this is Not Good

-- OH SO IT’S LIKE THAT

really. with the flashbacks to his loved ones’ smiling faces and everything. not even gonna try to aim above the belt, huh

AND NO KACCHAN??! NO CLASSMATES?!?! IS HE PURPOSELY NOT THINKING OF THEM??? OR ARE THEY BEING SAVED FOR THE NEXT PAGE??? SO HELP ME, IF THE NEXT PART OF THIS SENTENCE IS “CAN PROTECT THEM”, OR EVEN WORSE, “CAN SEE THEIR SMILING FACES AGAIN”, I...

WHAT DID I JUST SAY

(ETA: my man did Sero and Kaminari fucking dirty lmao. I miss their smiling faces too omg.)

the sheer, unparalleled irony of him saying this while he stands there looking like the gargoyle demon from Fantasia got crossed with an umbrella that got struck by lightning. Deku :(

oi who the fuck is this clown

is he controlling this mob with his evil hair. “what if I made an exhausted, running-on-fumes Deku battle a brainwashed mob at Ground Zero.” Horikoshi do you just have like a checklist of horrible things you want to do to your protagonist

easy there Sasori

well joke’s on you buddy because he’s apparently “completely fine”, so

“here’s to hoping that you know more about AFO’s location than the others” jesus christ Deku you really have hung your mercy out to dry huh

now he’s forcing his mob of terrified prisoners to attack Deku ahhhh. sucks to be them. at least they’re not being controlled by bees

so Deku is saying that Sasori’s control can be broken with “physical trauma.” similar to Shinsou’s quirk I guess. but so does that mean he’s gonna have to hurt them? ( •﹏•)

NO NOT MORE SAD EYES

“DEATH BY EMPATHY!!!” HORIKOSHI NO

fuck. he looks like he’s on the verge of passing out

this is what happens when you nerf a character’s self-preservation stats in favor of spamming their bone-breaking stats instead. NOW ACCEPTING BRAIN CELL DONATIONS FOR A BOY IN NEED!! with your loving generosity we can hopefully help him live to the ripe old age of seventeen

OMGFGGG

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[grabs your hands] ლ(*꒪ヮ꒪*)ლ [swings you in a circle] へ(ﾟ◇ﾟへ)

THASSSSSSSS WHATSSSSSSS UPPPPPPPPPP

HORIKOSHI REALLY SAID FUCK THAT MASK (ノ°ο°)ノ YOU FINALLY LEARNED!! IT’S CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!!!!

JUST FOR YOU KACCHAN, HORIKOSHI LEFT THIS ONE BAD GUY WHO’S STILL WEAK TO FIRE. GOD BLESS

IT’S YOUR COUNTERPART, KATSUKI B!!!! HOW WE DOIN OVER THERE IN THE TRIPPY COSMIC OFA SPACE REALM LOL. DO WE BELIEVE YET, FANDOM???

LIGHTS!!!!

INSTANT RESULTS!!! IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE!!!

(ETA: imagine what this must look like to Deku though. he’s been caught up in this dark cloud of despair and exhaustion that’s been building up over... I’m gonna go ahead and say “weeks”, because yeah. and now he finds himself here, in the place where All Might’s legacy ended and the torch was passed to him. and the world is in ruins, and he’s surrounded by frightened people who are all trying to hurt him -- because who isn’t trying to hurt him, these days -- and he’s scrambling to figure this all out, but meanwhile the weariness is finally starting to catch up to him, and so he’s basically just standing there in a fog of complete and utter misery.

and then all of a sudden through that haze, he hears the one voice that’s more familiar than any other that he knows. like, I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he thought he was just imagining it at first. Kacchan showing up to save him right when he’s at his most desperate and feeling the most alone. Kacchan, showing up to save him.

this is the person he always looked up to as a child (to be fair he was quite a strange child lmao). the person who was even closer to him than All Might. the person he always thought was amazing. and bam, here he is now. appearing in the sky out of nowhere to one-shot the bad guy with a single blast (which, btw, that was his armor-piercing attack too lmao dslkjlk take it easy there kiddo). like, that must have felt absolutely surreal to him, especially coming at a time when he’s already half-delirious and barely hanging on to reality. he must have really thought that he was losing it there for a second.

but he’s really there. it really is him. and for this brief moment -- before the rest of the situation catches up to him, and he remembers about all of the fucked-up AFO stuff, and remembers why he was so afraid and why he was pushing everyone away -- for just this one brief moment, he’s too exhausted and stunned to do anything except to just react. just stands there, looking up at him in awe.

and you know, it almost reminds me of...

just. you guys. the character development. the freaking character development. someone who brings reassurance. someone who shows up and makes you think, “oh, it’s all going to be okay now, because [person] is here.” the role reversals. the growth. the payoff!! because who is the one person who always had faith that Kacchan would one day grow up to become an amazing hero like that. WHO IS IT. YOU ALREADY KNOW.

omg. anyways, bless you Horikoshi, my feels which have been on backorder since fucking September have finally arrived lmao. yes, good, thank you. worth the wait. it is always, always worth the wait. fuck yeah.)

“LOWFRIES” SO YOU’RE TELLING ME THE WHOLE GANG IS HERE, AHHHHHHHH (º̩̩́⌣º̩̩̀ )

BEAUTIFUL. WONDERFUL. SENSATIONAL. I DON’T EVEN CARE THAT JUMP IS ON BREAK NEXT WEEK. THIS RIGHT HERE WILL SUSTAIN ME

[dangerous-fellowz]

tw for death, spoilers for dangerous fellows.

perhaps it's just me being a simple kinnie, however i think we really down play lawrence's character.

he isn't just some "uwu angy boi yandere," or an yandere sim clone.

he is a well developed character who just so happens to be yandere.

like yes, he desperately wants love and mc's affection. however he also is a natural care giver to even people he doesn't care for.

he loves mc, because he views her as "kind hearted," and "selfless," why? because he never has been treated kindly without the person having a motive in his eyes. he has never seen that happen before, even from himself. he loves baking, and genuinely wants the people around him to thrive, even though he veiws them as nothing. lawrence lacks empathy entirely (which by itself, isn't a bad thing,) yet is completely capable of sympathy, and feels it often.

his true character motivation, is to finally live a calm life. which because of the standards he has always held, was impossible. he cannot allow himself to fail, or else his parents were right.

speaking of his parents. they're the only reason why he views isolation, dependency, acts of service, and manipulation as love.

in the sequel it seems to be something he has moved past from. since he has been out of isolation for much longer than in the start of dangerous fellows.

which is another thing we need to acknowledge is that, for someone who has been socially isolated his whole life, he actually communicates well. i was isolated in a similar fashion (long story short, for five years i couldn't talk to kids my age or anyone outside of my immediete family,) and i behaved similarly. social constructs don't exist for you as much since you haven't been social. lawrence grasps politeness, yes. however cannot figure out social cues to save his life (ex. the shed scene.)

anyways, while i understand hating him. you must admit, lucy dream wrote an amazing character.

[thealexchen]

Ngl it bothers me when ppl point to Alex’s hyperempathy as like, proof that she’s the best character in the series. Like everyone has their faves (I love her too!) but the ppl who act like empathy = kindness/“having mega empathy means you’re an amazing person!” make me uncomfy. you can have low or no empathy and still make the choice to be kind and do good things even if you don’t have the ability to empathize. and imo it’s ableist to consider someone’s empathy levels a defining factor of

whether they’re a good person, which I’ve unfortunately seen a lot of ppl in the fandom do (specifically saying that they liked Alex more than Sean and Chloe bc she had more empathy than they did/was able to connect with ppl more easily and that supposedly made her a better person than them. 🙄)

You have an excellent point. Alex is certainly the most likable protagonist (she's charming, she's funny, she's loyal and genuine, she's very easy to sympathize with and root for, she's well-acted and well-animated, and she has a cute and appealing character design) and the most morally just protagonist (you can't really make any morally dubious choices with her, just occasional smartass remarks), but her likability and moral code exist independent of her empathy power. Instead, her empathy determines how well she can understand and relate to others.

Alex's empathy was specifically written to both be her greatest strength and fatal flaw. Alex thought of her powers as a curse in the beginning of the game because she felt everyone's emotions so deeply she would lose control of herself. As Gabe said, "Your own emotions don't belong to you." It's exhausting to live with and Alex is justifiably distant, closed-off, and has some trust issues. After Gabe dies, Alex is so wrapped up in her mission to get justice for Gabe, and so used to pushing aside her own emotions, that she never properly grieves her brother. Steph even says to her "I wonder if you've thought about what you need." The whole point of Alex's character arc is that once she learns to embrace her power, first in the pursuit of justice for Gabe and later in her individual desire to simply help others, she learns that there is a good side to being vulnerable and reaching out to others. Basically, that it's okay to put your own needs first and ask for help. She embraces her power as a whole part of herself, and the forgiveness and love (platonic and romantic) that comes with it.

Alex is a hyperempath, yes, but she's a good, kind person because she chooses to be. And on the flip side, Max, Chloe, Sean, and Daniel are perfectly capable of being good people (and their character arcs do involve them becoming better versions of themselves) even without being superempaths.

[definitely-not-a-wasp]

I'm okay with a bunch of disorganized rambling honestly 😂. But if I had to narrow it down then I guess I want to know about main and side characters and how they compare to the original?

I know that tumblr is the Prime Site for disorganized rambling, but I have perfectionism issues. But that is a great question, nonnie, and I will be happy to ramble is a slightly less disorganized fashion.

When reading Maximum Ride as a somewhat-formed adult who discovered they enjoy English classes about 3.5 years ago, I noticed that JP, when writing, doesn't understand consistency. At all. Which means, in many ways, I have a free sandbox to work with.

Spoilers for my rewrite WIP, because I strongly believe that if a story would no longer be good if one had spoilers, then it wasn’t a good story in the first place.

I'm trying to keep the backstories the same, plus or minus the scientific method and a few characters (RIP my OCs. I want to bring you back so bad but it wouldn't fit with the thematic narrative). I've mostly kept their (starting) abilities the same, too. Without further ado, I'm going to introduce some WorldBuilding. (If I'm good at nothing else, I'm good at world building)

First off. Logically.

How are they getting Cable?

How are they getting internet?

How are they getting money to eat and stuff?

JP's answer: handwave it off. Sometimes you need to ignore logistics for the sake of plot. This is an answer I'd accept from an author that I like, such as Julie Kagawa, that makes amazing worlds, characters, and narratives that I will happily handwave a few things that wouldn't work in the real world. James Patterson, on the other hand, did not make any of that; he made a cool concept, some good rough-draft characters, and nothing else, and therefore this is an unforgivable sin.

Wasp's answer: They are not getting any of that.

Introducing Cottagecore.

The house is off the grid. Solar Panels and a wind turbine create electricity. They have their own well. They grow their own food, raise livestock for eggs, milk, and wool, and trap fish for meat. They get money through dumpster diving and pawning. They still have to steal half of the necessities they can’t make themselves. They do have a TV, but it can access about three channels on a clear day. Internet is only a thing when they go to the public library.

Giving the flock a background that’s heavy in farming and livestock rearing shores up the plot holes mentioned above, but in my opinion, ties the flock more tightly to the environment, thus giving them something tangible to lose when they have to leave the E-shaped house. Because they’re not just leaving a house and a safety net— they’re leaving their entire way of life with no promise of getting it back. It also gives them a tangible connection to the earth in case I want to actually pursue the global warming themes.

Main Characters

Maximum “Max” Ride (Birthname: nonexistent)

First off, I'm letting her be Latina, James Patterson.

In the original, Max was very much the headstrong, independent, action girl. Leaning into Strong Female Character (TM), but overall she had a strong, solid foundation and enough character consistency through the first three books for me to not have to just make an entire new character. However, I felt that she was, in some ways, a bit too Action-Girl and Strong and Capable. Yes, Max is incredible and competent, but she’s also fourteen. She’s a child.

In the rewrite, Max’s character is still headstrong, independent, capable, and sometimes not the best at listening to others. All of that’s the same. But she’s that way not because of girlboss energy, but because there’s no one else to do it. She doesn’t want to lead, necessarily. She wants to get some rest and let someone else handle the problems life keeps throwing at her. But she knows if she did that, the responsibility of leader would fall to Fang and Iggy, and she can’t ask that of them. She doesn’t want to place that burden on anyone else (Look, there’s a reason I chose Ayano’s Theory of Happiness as one of her signifier songs, okay?). Her narrative is very much centered around burden, and also around loss. She lost her cultural heritage when she was taken away from her birth family, she lost her childhood to being a leader, she lost a good deal of her friends to the school (RIP my OCs), she lost Jeb, and then she lost her stability. And she’s going to lose a lot more before the end of the story. So a lot of her character arc deals with learning that there are some things she can’t fix, some things that can’t be recovered. She can’t get the E-shaped house back. She can’t get her Little Baby Angel back, even after they rescue her. She can’t get her friends back from the school. And instead of working so hard to recover those or find something to replace them, she has to learn to live with that sense of loss and move on with her life without feeling guilty for leaving things behind. And she has to learn that asking for help and sharing her burden is selfish or weak.

Other changes I made that don’t necessarily fit into her narrative arc, but you asked for rambling so rambling you shall get:

Max hallucinates, because mental illness is also a prominent theme in the rewrite. She doesn’t have a psychotic disorder, but her C-PTSD causes visual/audio hallucinations, especially when she’s stressed or sleep deprived. 

Max ends up having a Gender Discovery throughout the story and goes by He/She pronouns eventually. I don’t know when, but it will happen.

As far as genetic modifications/special quirks go, she can fly faster than the rest of the flock, but not 300 miles per hour. She averages about sixty mph with diving speeds of 240. She cannot breathe underwater or shut down her organs on command. She also has the Super Special Power to predict the weather, but that’s not because of genetics, it’s because she has chronic pain in her right arm that gets worse when weather fronts change.

Her favored weapon is her trusty rebar that she picked up from a condemned building. I think she’s going to name it eventually but I don’t know what yet.

Fang (Birth name: Gabriel Xue)

In canon, Fang is characterized in early books by being the “dark, strong, silent type”. He’s probably the most reserved member of the flock, to the point of falling into the Brooding Mystery Man trope in parts of the book. They care a lot, but they’re not the best at conveying that, especially with the younger members of the flock, and at times their high empathy leads them to making mistakes. Despite the high empathy, he’s often compared to a robot due to his lack of expression and external emotions.

Well, first change is that they’re not a man, so jot that down—

If Max’s narrative is centered around burden and loss, I would probably say that Fang’s is centered around humanity and moving on. None of the flock was treated as human while in the school, but Fang was more often than not treated like a wild animal due to “behavioral issues”, and therefore had and continues to have a difficult time considering themselves real and alive, let alone human. This manifests through a several different ways— where in canon Fang definitely had a ‘fight’ reaction, in the re-write they have a ‘freeze’ or ‘shut down’ instinct. They’re selectively mute for multiple reasons (including derealization, jaw pain, the fact that they didn’t learn how to speak until they were 10, and genuinely forgetting it’s something they’re capable of), a period of Cotard’s syndrome, and a tendancy towards self-loathing and self-sacrifice. In short, Fang is still halfway stuck in the mindset that most of the flock grew out of when they escaped in the school, and doesn’t know how to move past it.

Much of their character arc revolves around not necessarily seeing themselves as human, but learning to treat themselves as human even when they don’t feel like one (or even feel real), and knowing that just because they don’t feel human all the time doesn’t mean anyone else can treat them the same. They never start easily expressing their emotions, and they’re always going to be selectively mute, but they learn to accept that those aspects of themself aren’t character flaws or signs that they’re sub-human. 

Other additions to Fang’s character include:

They don’t get their hair cut in New York. It stays long through the entire series. They have the longest hair in the flock by the end of the series, and they can wear it in so many styles.

Fang uses they/it pronouns because themes of reclaiming the weapons used against it and, more importantly, Gender.

They’re actually really good at spelling compared to the rest of the flock, because they and Iggy communicate with Print-On-Palm when they’re nonverbal, and they’re nonverbal for some pretty long stretches of time. 

They and Max have... zero romantic tension. At all. There is none. The number of times Max calls them her sibling/little sibling in the first arc alone is staggering, and that will not change.

Igneous “Iggy” (Birthname: Jamsetta “Jamie” Griffiths)

I’ve talked about Iggy before. Canon doesn’t give us much to go off of, but from what’s shown, he’s smart, sarcastic, has sharper edges than Fang and Max, and also has a sizable ruthless streak. So that’s what I have to go off of.

The big difference between Iggy and Fang&Max is that Iggy has a much better memory of the School. Most of the flock have areas (months or years) that they don’t remember, or people that they’ve blocked from their mind, but Iggy... doesn’t. So he’s the one that remembers all of the other AVIAN test subjects that were old enough to have names and identities but died due to complications. Max might have the burden of leadership, but he has the burden of memory. And that has lead to both a massive fucking guilt complex, because why did he survive when they didn’t, and, as mentioned above, a ruthless streak that he doesn’t shy away from.

Which is to say, by the end of the story, Iggy has the highest kill count.

I love, love writing Iggy next to Max and Fang. I love writing Iggy next to Gazzy and Nudge. Because, I say this with all of the love of the world, but Iggy is not a good person. He is loyalty and love incarnate, and the world can burn down if he and his siblings are safe. Max and Fang will always try to save as many people as they can. They will wonder what’s wrong with them the first time they kill and don’t have a mental breakdown about it. They are good in a way that Iggy is not. He’s okay with killing Erasers. He’s okay with killing humans. He’s okay with killing people who might not necessarily deserve it, if they show themselves as a threat or are simply in the blast radius. He knows perfectly well that most of those Erasers he’s murdering are four and five and he is okay with that, because a lot of the AVIANs were that age when they died. (Yeah, in the rewrite it’s not Fang who has an issue with Ari; it’s Iggy who wants the 7-year-old wolf-boy dead.) 

And this is, of course, juxtaposed with Iggy being really, really good with Nudge and Gazzy (especially in the beginning). Because, again, he actually remembers being a child. He remembers a lot of kids that died and is therefore fiercely protective of the kids that didn’t, as well as fiercely protective of the innocence that he never got. So he’s the one that cooks their favorite foods when they’re having a bad day, always makes time when they want to talk about something, and convinces Max to let them go to that toy store in New York because, yeah, he Max and Fang aren’t kids. They never were. But Nudge, Gazzy, and Angel can be. (And if he has to be a murderer to preserve that, then he’s perfectly okay with that.)

He and Angel don’t get along very well, though. The telepath doesn’t like hanging out with the person with the most clear memories of the school.

Other additions:

Iggy is trans and says trans rights

He also has paranoid episodes, because C-PTSD. Sometimes they’re very helpful. Sometimes they are not.

I actually decided that he’s one of the flock that doesn’t meet their parents. I know in canon he did, but I always found that very clunky because it didn’t add to his character. He was one of the characters who, until it was convenient for the plot, seemed to care the least about his family. I’d much rather give that to a character whose arc would benefit from it.

Iggy! Gets! Older Sibling Rights! Seriously, he’s two months younger than Fang, he is just as capable.

Iggy does not know braille because Jeb decided it wasn’t necessary for him to know. Iggy is also the best speller in the flock, because Print-on-Palm was the only way to talk to Fang for a solid year. Yes he mocks everyone over this.

Iggy is the only member of the flock that enjoys swimming and can take into the air from water. Everyone else in the flock is incredibly jealous.

Nudge (Birthname: Monique Robinson)

If Iggy is defined by his memories, Nudge is his polar opposite. She was seven when she left the School, but she has next to no memories of it. She is missing a lot of time in the first year she escaped. And that causes... a lot of things. It makes her feel disconnected from her older siblings, it gives her the ability to function in society in a way the other’s can’t, it lets her feel less grief over the ones that didn’t make it and she doesn’t remember, it makes her feel guilty that she doesn’t remember what she’s old enough to know. 

Basically, in order for me to keep the character of Nudge as I saw her (more extroverted, not afraid of the world, fascinated with humans like her siblings aren’t, desiring to fit in instead of isolate), I had to put a little bit of distance between her and the flock. Of course, she loves them— that will in no way change— but she’s old enough that she should remember the school (and her dead friends) unlike Gazzy and Angel, but she can’t, and she very much fears forgetting the flock if anything happens to them. So she’s trying desperately to keep the flock close and wants desperately to experience the world at the same time, and doesn’t know what to do when she can’t have both. That’s her biggest character conflict throughout the series, along with that in-between area where she’s not quite where her older siblings are but understands so much more than Gazzy and Angel, and where she stands in that.

So yeah. Nudge’s journey is that in looking for belonging in the world, in her family, and in herself.

This is why she’s one of the ones that gets to find her parent, James Patterson. 

Other additions include:

She never straightens her hair. Never. Her resources at the E-shaped house aren’t perfect, but she still has learned how to take care of her hair and has a few styles she cycles through.

She becomes the default person Max sics on people when the flock is trying to befriend them. Also their de-facto diplomat around strangers.

As in canon, she does take some time away from the flock to expirience ‘normal life’. This does not last long due to the stress of being separated from her siblings/not being able to help them and [REDACTED]

Nudge is... not the only person in her head. I’m not focusing on it much because she doesn’t actually know and neither does the flock (I don’t know if they ever figure it out during the series, either), but she has dissociative identity disorder. She’s not aware of her alter(s?). Her alter isn’t super aware of her, either. 

The alter that I’ve developed is named Oxy and is not super aware of the outside world. In her eyes, she’s still seven and they’re still at the School. She would not recognize the body as her own if she looked in a mirror.

Nudge actually leaves the flock for a while to pursue her dream of living a normal life. She deserves it. She learns how to make muffins and the basics of software development. These things are unrelated.

Gasman (Birthname: No first name, surname “Falk”)

Honestly, writing Gazzy is kind of hard for me. Partially because I’m not great at writing kids, and partially because I feel like he’s a pretty surface-level character in-series that... isn’t super compelling in canon. But even if that’s the case, I try to treat all of my characters with respect, so here we go. In my rewrite, he escaped when he was four, which was half a lifetime ago for him, so his memories are ill-defined. Therefore, he managed to circumvent a lot of the trauma that the rest of the kids have, and not in the way Nudge did, which is by creating an elaborate blockage in her memories. 

Which means Gazzy... really doesn’t know how to deal with all of this traumatic stuff happening. So much of his development turns out to be a coming-of-age narrative. Learning how to deal with the horrors of what his siblings grew up with. Learning the fears that they had the entire time. Losing his innocence when everyone around him never had it in the first place, and being so terribly alone because of it. Because, really, how can you explain such a deep loss to people who never had what he had? How can they help in a way that matters?

Also, relationship-wise, I’m slowly deteriorating the relationship between him and Iggy. Slowly. Or, changing it, at least. Gazzy hero-worships Iggy in-series, and for good reason, because Iggy is super cool, especially in the eyes of an eight-year-old, and especially when Iggy has taken care to cultivate parts of his behaviors to be child-friendly. Part of growing up is seeing the flaws in your heroes, and Gazzy has to learn how to deal with it. End of the series Gazzy is much less closer to Iggy than beginning of the series Gazzy, and neither of them are really okay with that, but they learn to live with it, because that’s really all they can do.

Notes:

I’m keeping the mimickry! It plays a bit of a bigger role because that’s how Gazzy learned to talk. I’m debating whether or not he has his own voice or if he just borrows the flock’s as he sees fit. He also uses it to scream really loudly and occaisonally burst the eardrums of Erasers.

At one point he cosplays as Jessica Jones. No you don’t get any more context than this.

He has a horrible sense of fashion.

I’m changing his name eventually because it sucks. He’s either going to change it to Gannet, Garrison, or Ivy Mike temporarily, and permanently to Zephyr. (I never said I was going to make his name GOOD, because he’s eight, but it’s changing. You’re welcome.)

Angel (Birthname: No first name, surname “Falk”)

It’s just... a completely different character, at this point. I’ve changed so many things about her in an attempt to make her consistent and act like a six-year-old and work in the whole “telepath before she has a solid sense of identity”, so it’s a different character. Also, I’m tired of writing coherently or in paragraphs, so have some interesting facts.

She has epilepsy! Super severe epilepsy! I think she might also develop juvenile MS in the future because her brain has so many scars from being a fucking six-year-old telepath. There’s no way she could get out of that unscathed.

She has more memories of the school than Gazzy, but only because she keeps accidentally reading the minds of Max, Fang, and Iggy. On a related note, she interacts with Iggy as little as possible.

The mind reading means that she has a hard time developing as a normal child with a normal sense of identity or reality. She can’t tell how much people are individual people and how much they’re just extensions of her. Conversely, she can’t tell how much of herself is actually her instead of the thoughts/opinions/identities of someone else. It’s... kinda fucked? But also super not-her-fault. 

She’s albino because white wings. Also, because I thought it was cool. This also means that her vision sucks, though. Also she has the biggest straw sunhat and the most stylish sunglasses a six-year-old can have.

She’s responsible for Max shaving her hair off.

She has the highest swear count because I think it’s funny. She’s the only person allowed to say the fuck word in writing. Everyone else can only say ‘hell’ and the occasionally ‘damn’ but she can say whatever she wants for dramatic and comedic value.

She is NOT THE FUCKING VOICE, J*MES P*TTERSON.

Honorable Mentions

Jeb

I’m skipping Jeb because of how little I care about him. He’s a little bitch, next character.

Ari

STILL HASN’T BEEN REVEALED AS AN ERASER. I’ve been writing for 50,000 words and he’s over here saying ‘nope nope not yet, not dramatic enough’. He’s had speaking lines but has refused to make himself known to Max. I am so frustrated with this seven-year-old wolf-child that I’ve already considered how I would kill him, if I decide I want to kill yet another child in my writing.

So, my main thoughts for Ari is that he... really just drew the short end of the stick in every possible way. While Jeb didn’t sign him up for Eraser expirimentation, he didn’t do anything to stop it, and pretty much cut his losses when he realized this expiriment made a wreck of his ‘perfect, unflawed’ son, because Jeb doesn’t consider children of any species to actually be humans. So, Ari really hates his dad, which makes things complicated, because he also really loves his dad and really wants his approval. 

Which means that he also really hates Max, because she’s the child that always got Jeb’s time and attention, even when Ari was human. I think, on some level, he knows that trying to tear Max down to a less-favored level isn’t actually going to help his situation— infighting for the love of an abusive parent won’t make them any less abusive— but he’s also seven, and his development is already severely stunted due to becoming an Eraser, and he doesn’t see ‘leaving ITEX’ as an option like the Flock does. ITEX is his everything. It’s all he’s ever known, and they tell him he’s doing the right thing, and he wants them to love him. He wants his father to love him. He knows that if he ever questions ITEX, his father will never love him. So it must be his older sister that’s ruining his life and being a horrible child, and once Ari drags her back down to his level, Jeb will realize who the best child is and love him properly again.

Ari, on an even deeper level, does care for Max quite a bit, because she’s his older sister and he wants that to mean something in a way that ‘Jeb being his father’ obviously doesn’t. He wants what she made for herself, and he hates the Flock because she loves them and obviously doesn’t love him. 

Ari, if anything, is the product of neglect, and both loves and hates everyone who shows a chance of caring about him. And he’s seven, so he can’t notice these patterns, let alone break them.

So. Notes!

He doesn’t look like an adult. I thought that was gross and unnecessary. He’s seven, but he looks closer to thirteen or fourteen. Still young enough that he looks like every Eraser’s little brother, and the Erasers high-key treat him like it.

On a related note, he’s the only Eraser who can talk. The others don’t have the mental capacity or vocal structure to replicate human speech, but they can understand language (at about the level of a two or three year old) and are very good at nonverbal communication. This is why Ari managed to climb the ranks despite only having three years of “service” and also looking like a tween.

He doesn’t have an expiration date because that is SUCH a stupid plot point.

I’m giving him a chainsaw! I don’t know how, I don’t know when, but he deserves to have a chainsaw and GODDAMN I will give it to him.

Emergency and Gene

The OCs that I love and also killed pre-series. They don’t have any scenes, because they’re dead, but their deaths greatly effected Max, Fang, and Iggy, and they are very commonly referenced. Their voices are probably Max’s most common hallucination, to the point where she sometimes pretends they’re ghosts that she can talk to. They’re not ghosts. They’re dead.

Dr. Valencia Martinez

I’m actually keeping her pretty close to canon— loving, supportive, the type of person to take in a gsw victim with minimal questions. The difference is that rather than kindness fueling her actions, it’s incredible guilt. She has three goals surrounding Max: Give her as much support in any way she can, teach her as much about chicane culture as possible, and never let Max know that she’s her birth parent.

(She’s probably going to fail at AT LEAST two of those, but it’s the thought that counts.)

Notes:

She has a pet fox named Robin Hood that she rescued from an exotic animal salesman that got arrested.

I think I’m going to kill her. I don’t know yet, but it’s on the table.

Anne Walker

Y’know, the fake FBI Agent. Who’s not actually a fake in my story because I hated that plot point. She’s genuinely an FBI agent who put the Flock into pseudo-witness-protection in order to build a case against the Institute of Higher Living, accidentally got attached to her prime witnesses, raised them for a few months, realized a [SPOILER] and promptly had to let them get the hell out dodge.

I really like the Anne Walker that lives in my head. She is a VITAL part of the Flock’s development, their mental/emotional recovery, and adding to their safety net to fall back on. She serves them as their first adult role model, and is the first adult to show them what parent/child are supposed to look like from a healthy perspective. Though she has several fuck ups, she becomes someone that the Flock genuinely trusts and loves, which makes it all the more difficult for them to leave when [REDACTED].

Notes:

She and Max do butt heads initially, because Max is paranoid and also afraid of becoming uneeded. This ends up being incredibly important because Max needs to learn how to live and find meaning in life without being the designated Leader/Parent/Big Sister

Anne, at one point, sits the entire flock down to teach them about consent, which was something no one ever talked about with them before. She goes in talking specifically about consent in a romantic/sexual sense (because they’re fourteen and that’s something they need to know), but quickly turns into a full-fledged no, people are NOT allowed to do that to you, what the FUCK.

She’s responsible for giving the flock a laptop. It’s because Angel is online schooled (bc telepathy makes actually learning difficult) and was therefore provided with a computer.

Anne is also allowed to swear, but only when it’s funny.

Michael “Grey” Rivers

Aka Grey from the Sewers Aka GR3Y H47 Aka Mike from the Bronx Aka Gifted Child Syndrome Incarnate Aka Would-be-in-MIT-if-his-parents-weren’t-horrible. He’s my son, your honour.

Basically, his backstory boils down to him being a genius, getting into MIT at 14, his (horrible) parents wanting a perfect child who could “make it out” of the Bronx and represent his family/neighborhood/borough to the world. When he inevitably failed their expectations due to stress, a schizophrenic-spectrum disorder that completely alienated him from the rest of his support network, and refusing to take his psych meds because the side effects were horrible and they made it harder to think (and therefore pass his classes), they kicked him out. He fully intends to go back to MIT when he turns 18 and has control of his finances/scholarships/medication/therapy.

So that’s how the flock meets him. 

Mike ends up in a very prominent support role for the flock both in technological persuits (helping them track their parents, helping them get information from ITEX, trying to disable Max’s chip and failing multiple times until it becomes a matter of personal honour—), in helping the older members of the flock figure out how to deal with hallucinations/delusions (because he’s actually been to therapy, unlike them), and in being one of the only people who talks to them and helps them without any ulterior motive. He’s not trying to build a case against ITEX/The Institute of Higher Learning, he’s not double crossing them, he’s not plagued with guilt. He just genuinely wants to help them, and they genuinely want to help him, and that’s their first introduction to a healthy, non-codependent relationship.

My many disorganized notes on Michael Rivers:

He’s from specifically Morris Heights, Bronx, NYC.

He would say that his last name is actually Rivera, but his grandparents changed it to Rivers so it would sound more English, and his family has been in America for so long that he doesn’t know much about any Latino heritage he may or may not have. He identifies as African American, not Afro-Latino. He’s just bitter that his family felt the need to change their surname to have better opportunities in New York.

Nudge aggressively befriends him pretty much the moment she meets him, bullies him into teaching her how to code, and he very quickly adopts her as his pseudo-little-sister.

His delusions in the book seemed to involve government conspiracies, but as that’s the one delusion that is proved correct in the book, I’ve decided it would be best if his delusions and reality intersected a bit less if I don’t want to write him having a manic/paranoid episode in the second scene he has screen time. So his delusions are more based on “none of this is real”, “someone is recording everything I do and setting me up to fail” and “my ill-wishes on people can and will come true if I dwell on them too long.”. Government conspiracies are one of things he is skeptical about because he thinks most conspiracies are either “CIA admitted to this twenty years ago” or “antisemitism”.

He’s taking online free college classes that don’t actually give him any college credit, but they have good information and help him feel like he’s working towards something. He plans to double major in computer sciences and electrical engineering, minor in marine biology. He’s wanted to join NOAA since he was twelve and he is nothing if not stubborn.

There you go. These are my characters, now. I have custody.

[the-lightning-strikes-again]

Pacific Rim (2013) and the Chance to Try Again

So I re-watched Pacific Rim (2013), per an anon’s request that I write a Pacific Rim-based Voltron AU. And I know this movie is clearly a love song to mecha genre as its ultimate goal. But in re-watching Pacific Rim in 2021, an odd moment really spoke to me. It was how badly Mako Mori struggled in her official debut in Gipsy Danger, how dangerous her triggered reaction was to other people around her, and yet how Raleigh Becket had an empathetic reaction that helped Mako get back up, resulting in her ability to reclaim her agency against a reputation as a traumatized failure.

I guess a little background to explain further, and why this meant so much to me:

So here’s this Asian woman who’s been asking for years for her chance to prove herself. She’s been told by her guardian, Marshall Stacker Pentecost, that she will fail to function in a drift setting because of her inexperience with reigning in emotions/a need for vengeance. But Mako Mori finally gets the chance to be a co-pilot, finally connects to a very real drift inside a very real jaeger…and then, oop. Becket has a negative reaction to his own memories and falls out of phase. This sets up Mori, who is unexperienced in handling this situation, to “chase the RABIT.” She has a genuinely traumatic breakdown that nearly kills her own comrades in the Shatterdome. She unintentionally activates Gipsy Danger’s weapons to protect herself from the ghosts of her own memories.

The team has to actually shut down the jaeger to protect themselves from being annihilated.

Upon shaking out of the drift, Mako Mori knows she has validated Pentecost’s fears and judgements about her. She is pretty sure she’s lost her chance to achieve her goals.

And clearly, her father figure Stacker Pentecost—who does love her and is as such overprotective—has been struggling the whole time with accepting Mori in a jaeger. The standard Toxic Masculinity figure of Chuck Hansen has a hissy fit that Mori is too inexperienced, and he actively tries to get her pushed out too, even accusing Becket of standing up for Mori only because he thinks Raleigh has romantic interest in her.

But it’s Raleigh…this very masculine dude with the somewhat over pronounced man-strut in his step lol, who does something that I really appreciated seeing.

After everything, Becket fights for Mori’s reinstatement when Mori has lost faith in herself and is trying not to break down in shame. And then he sits by her and actively tries to empathize with her about how rough a drift can be.

And Raleigh doesn’t do this because he thinks she’s pretty, or because he’s trying to take pity on Mori as some kind of male savior for her weak emotional constitution. This is the guy who is most likely to die first if Mori screws up in real-time, and this is the guy who can acknowledge that he helped set Mori into a no-win situation.

And unlike Pentecost (who initially wants to protect Mori at the cost of her own agency) and Hansen (who believes Mori is too incompetent to function above reproach), Becket knows what Mori was capable of. He believes in her 51 drops, 51 kills simulator score. He believes in her physical and intellectual capabilities based off his interactions with her, which are things that both Pentecost and Hanson immediately forget when Mori fails her first real drift and endangers people.

Becket knew what Mori could do if people just…invested in her and gave her a chance, now that she knew what drifting was like. He saw his own struggles in her and empathized with her as a human being. He takes some responsibility even over the fact that she was not simply made aware of/prepared for what she could face in that drift while also being hooked up to a weapon of mass destruction. Because as we see later in the film, once Mori knows what to expect, she can function very well as a co-pilot.

Had Raleigh not believed in her, had Pentecost tried to permanently ground her out of fearful love, and had Mako Mori herself accepted a reality where she was only a failure—the kaiju would have absolutely decimated multiple cities. Because Mori did not remain tied to her initial failure, the resistance lived to fight another day.

The more I thought about the fall and rise of Mako Mori in this 2013 film, the more I really appreciated those moments.  

Because if a woman makes a mistake and big-time screws up their debut, it’s usually a death knoll, and even more so if that woman is already living in an environment that makes her a second-class citizen to begin with. People often act like a Chuck Hansen and write her off as incompetent/dangerous, or they pull a Pentecost and assume her to be too weak/too emotional to be of use. There’s not a lot of forgiveness for a woman. Whereas, there’s generally a lot more forgiveness for a man to screw around on the goodwill that he has potential. So it’s pretty rare to see a woman mess up as Mori did, especially in an emotional, traumatized way with such potential consequences…and to see someone still fighting to reach out to her. To empathize with her. To offer her the second chance they knew she could handle.

So it hit me that when the computer in the movie asked, “Drift sequence terminated. Would you like to try again?” and no one answered, Raleigh Becket didn’t have to. Because he had already answered yes, and he had been saying yes for every second he was trying to reach Mori.

And as the movie unfolds, yeah it might be redundant that Raleigh talks to her out loud while they’re fighting. But he takes actual time to warn and prepare her for what they’re facing—because he’s been here before in the real world, and she hasn’t. He’s trying to keep her in the present and to keep himself grounded too so he personally doesn’t bog her down. And it’s in this environment that we see Mako Mori absolutely bloom into one of the best jaeger pilots the world has ever seen, not including that she’s part of the first team to ever single-handedly take down two category four kaiju in one night. And furthermore, we see a Mako Mori who doesn’t just internalize her emotions. She uses those emotions to carry on the fight and to rally Becket to another charge, even when he believes they’re out of options.

So I guess to wind down this rambling meta, I felt that this wild and fun movie contained some content that, whether intended or not, spoke to me today in a new way I hadn’t seen it as before. I thought it was pretty cool how in this movie, women can rise above a failure and try again, successfully even. The message that men can feel empathy with a woman or understand their struggles is still wildly progressive in today’s world, where it’s more acceptable for women to empathize with men than the other way around. The message that trying to understand helps everyone rise together is lit. And I didn’t really expect to be flailing over this movie and this concept in 2021, but here we are, lol.

[mariaiscrafting]

Cishet dnf stans are without fail just super gross about it. I've cultivated my tumblr sphere to be so queer that I genuinely forgot how terrible cishets are about mlm ships they deem "attractive". Cishets making homophobic "jokes"........bro that's just homophobia.

I feel like that's so much easier on Tumblr anyways since Tumblr is so disproportionately queer. I can actually stand to follow Dream stans (*cough* looking at you Angel *cough*), George pfps, and some DNFers here because they're mostly queer. Probably the main reason I stopped using Twitter was actually because of all the cishet DNF shippers. I think there's just something about being queer that makes you more understanding of comp het, queer fetishization, being treated as Other, being psychoanalyzed like a lab specimen, and being potentially outed. Subsequently, queer shippers are simply less likely to take DNF shipping a step too far...

There are lots of ways in which cishet shippers take it a step too far. One common thing is fetishization. Contrary to popular-anti belief, not every shipper is fetishizing mlm relationships. But a lot of them are. Fetishization is contingent on a foundational belief that one is consuming media about a certain romantic/sexual dynamic because they find it attractive. To fetishize is to treat a ship as Other, as lesser or more or weirder or "special" or whatever. If one wouldn't treat a het relationship the same way as they do the mlm relationship they're theorizing about, gushing about, drawing about, writing about, etc., then one should reexamine the reasons one is even shipping them, because the likely answer is fetishizing reasons. Another way shippers take it too far is their creepy fascination with all the intricacies of DNF. Like, the analysis of every voice inflection, every mention of the other, every moment they're together, every smile and laugh and facial expression. It's so beyond creepy. This isn't how you treat real life humans. This isn't how you treat people you respect. This is how you treat fictional characters, or toys, or specimens you're curious about. It's absurd.

But those are all things I've talked about a hundred times on this blog. I'm glad I have been able to, too, because it seems so impossible to get through to Twitter DNFers compared to Tumblr DNFers, partially because of the character limit and partially because of what mcyttwt stan culture is like (stubborn, hardheaded, overly protective, significantly more obsessive, etc).

Regarding homophobic jokes... I think a lot of cishet shippers think they can't be homophobic if they are shipping an mlm pairing. Because if you're so open to gay people that you ship them, how could you possibly be homophobic? Isn't that the opposite of homophobia? To that, I respond the same way I respond to cishet men who claim they're not lesbophobic because they like lesbian porn and white people who claim they're not racist because they have black friends and men who claim they're not misogynistic because they love their daughters or wives; bigotry is not solely enacted upon with explicit hatred. Bigotry can manifest itself in many ways, and in the 21st Century, most often that is in subtle ways that implicate one's own view of minorities/oppressed groups as distinctly "Other." You can have a fascination, love, or adoration for an oppressed group, and still be bigoted against them. Love /=/ the inability to be racist, homophobic, sexist, etc. A failure to accept criticism and recognize one's own propensity for homophobia will only lead to making the same homophobic remarks/jokes, failing to eradicate one's own subconscious beliefs that led to one's homophobia (e.g., comp het), and stagnation in one's personal growth.

And yes, if you can’t understand how treating DNF like this obsession, this other-than-human idealized fasion, is homophobic, then you are one of these subtlely bigoted people, and I am begging you to pause, step back, and self-reflect, please.

As always, the usual disclaimers apply. First, not all cishet DNF shippers cross a line in their shipping. If you read this and you don't know if this applies to you, it's important for you to pause and reflect on your manner of shipping. Recognizing when we do wrong is the first step in eradicating homophobia and fetishization. Second of all, for those who don't know what prompted this ask, here is a link to the half-joke post of mine from a few hours ago. Third of all, I am never an expert on any of the discourse I engage in. I'm simply providing my opinion. Fourth of all, this is not meant to be hateful. Yes, I come from a place of extreme frustration and exhaustion towards cishet shippers, but I still think there is capability for growth within the mlm shipping community. I am a DNFer, just a queer one; I read DNF fics, I love DNF art, and I watch DNF compilations. I, too, gush whenever Dream and George act fond of each other. I'm not an anti; I just like to criticize the communities I am a part of because I love the spaces they provide for me and want them to grow and improve through self-reflection and critical analysis. Positive change always starts from within.

Anyways, if you're interested in my other random rants about related issues: here is one of my original takes on DNFers crossing lines they shouldn't and dehumanizing DNF for their own enjoyment, here is a more general take of mine about reading into DNF dynamics with empathy, here is my thing with fetishization (thank you Angel for the input), and here is a long-ass post with queer perspectives on DNF shipping (thank you Xen for the input).

As always, reminder to blacklist /neg or #discourse if you don’t want to see posts like this from me. Take care of yourselves <3

[ichayalovesyou]

Unexpected: Shipping Spones

and how I think it went down subtextually

Preface: I do not think they’re relationship would’ve really kicked into something more than platonic until Mirror, Mirror (I think that’s when Bones realizes he’s physically attracted to Spock but we’ll get into that later)

Miri

“Aww, you do care!” 😊😳😑

Dagger of The Mind

“Wow, I’m seeing something about you that you haven’t even told Jim... that’s kinda, really fucked up and freaky, but also elegant and beautiful?”🤔

The Conscience of A King

“Crap, okay, Jim is acting weird, guess we have to rely on eachother.” 🙄😤😑😏

The Galileo 7

“Wow, you’re an asshole but I’m also learning about your redeeming qualities?? And also I really, really don’t want to see you die?????” 🙄😒😳

*Space Seed

This isn’t a very Spones-y episode I just think it revealed to us, or even to Bones, that he finds dangerous, intense, confident men attractive. Bones’s love language is jokes and threats punctuated by genuine earnesty and he was ABSOLUTELY low-key flirting with Khan with the knife at his throat.

Return of The Archons

I don’t think Bones was aware of it while it was happening because of Landru but it’s heavily implied Spock tried to mind meld with him. I think it left a subconscious impression on Bones, and a very conscious impression on Spock that he does actually care about him. He sounds so frustrated when he says he can’t break Bones out of it 🥺

Operation: Annihilate!

I mean this one kinda speaks for itself, it is a miserable time for the Triumpverant and Bones is so, so, high empathy. To see Kirk on the verge of bursting in to tears (and he probably did tbh we just didn’t see) for the entire ordeal and seeing Spock in enough pain to show it must’ve really, really shook him. Then on top of that he has to deal with needlessly blinding Spock while testing the cure. I honestly think 90% of the time he seems like he’s teasing Spock about his differing biology, it’s that he’s actually way more angry at himself. Angry for not being able to be certain Spock is really okay and nothing’s wrong, because half the time he wouldn’t know what to look for. He cares about Spock so much that getting to a point where he doesn’t know what to do for him when something could be done, scares the fuck out of him.

Mirror, Mirror

Now this is where the steamier aspect begins. I think Bones is so absolutely hellbent on saving Mirror!Spock because he’s a bit traumatized and just cannot deal with the prospect of any Spock dying on his watch. Even if it means being trapped in a dimension where he’d have to break his hypocritical oath or die upholding it. He’s rewarded with a very intimidating, very sexy mind meld. It’s been established that Mind Melds are two way windows, Bones can experience everything Mirror!Spock is, and I think he’s surprised and intrigued by what he finds out about what’s going on under that Vulcan veneer of calm. (I also headcanon that Spones are already a relationship in the Mirror timeline but I think my point would still stand even if Bones didn’t find out they were a thing in an alternate universe).

At this point, I think Bones starts legitimately wondering if he’s missing out with what Kirk & Spock have by being so closed off with Prime!Spock. (yes I love McSpirk too, I could never pick one ship and poly rep is where it’s at! I also can’t imagine Kirk and Spock ever going without one another, they’re bond is so much deeper than friendship.)

Amok Time

It checks so many goddamn boxes!

“Wait?! Vulcans go into heat?? It’s called what?!” Playing into both his fear that he won’t be able to save Spock if something goes horribly wrong, and let’s be real, Pon Farr, as like a concept is 🔥 even if it doesn’t make a ton of sense lmao.

You’re asking me to come along to this super sacred private occasion of yours?? With your other choice being your current lover? Okay! 😳

“No! No no no no I am not going to lose either of you! Not to-fucking-day! Time to risk a diplomatic incident by faking my dearest friend’s death and traumatizing the guy I now realize I have a major tsundere-style crush on!”

“Wow, I just saw Spock emote, god I wish I could get you to smile like that. I’m just gonna pretend to not know what you guys mean by ‘minding the store’. It’s not like a thank you for breaking you out of Plok’tow and preventing you from killing the man we you love is in order or anything.” 🙄😏

Journey to Babel

I mean, everything he does for Spock’s sake this episode. Also talk about unlocking your closed-off friend’s tragic backstory! I mean, experimental medicine, alien surgery, caving with no real argument on one of Kirk’s hair brained life threatening schemes?! That’s love!

Also: prying for cute/embarassing information about your crush/SO from their parents is On Brand (Bones always wants The Drama 😆) COME ON “A teddy bear???!!??”

Also also: I’m sure there’s some serious fringe benefits to having your attractive friends confined to sickbay so that neither of them accidentally bleed to death.

Bread and Circuses

I feel as though it’s in Bones’ nature to interrogate and goad Spock about his feelings, not because he thinks Spock doesn’t have any, but he wants to see how deep they go. I think this comes from the vibe that I get from Bones that he has Imposter Syndrome and projects it onto his close relationships in times of stress. They’re both trapped in a cell together and deeply scared for Kirk. I think he’s asking:

“Do you really love Jim as much as I think you do?”

“Do I actually care about/feel attracted to you? Or do I just think I do because Jim does?”

“Am I actually capable of love? Or capable of being loved?”

“Are there really warm, decent feelings in there for me too?”

The Immunity Syndrome

This the episode I just saw all the way through for the first time (I’m watching TOS all the way through for the first time in general) and if this episode doesn’t confirm for Spock & Bones that they love each other, it sure as hell does for me.

Bones is unusually worried (even for him, we all know he gets hella agitated when Spock is hurt) when Spock feels the Intrepid die.

It feels to me that it’s not that Bones doesn’t believe Spock about what happened, he just doesn’t want it to be true. Because what does that mean Spock just went through? What does that mean for any single person to experience so much death in a single instant? He barely has the heart to deal with one at a time!

That and they keep throwing themselves in each other’s way in the professional Who Gets To Die for Science contest. We good good shit like “... good luck Spock” & “Shut up Spock we’re rescuing you!!!”

Spones is such a weird, nuanced ship that can be as painfully prickly as it is overwhelmingly, mind-bogglingly tender. It’s like the odd-couple done right. I definitely ship it to slowly increasing degrees after Miri (and not before) it’s definitely got slow burn energy. It’s not as mutual soft boy energy as their respective relationships with Kirk. They’re loving AND combative which is what makes the Triumverate so refreshing and compelling, whether you ship any of it or not. I’m not saying Bones (and Spock) don’t have their shit to work on with each other, but the work is what matters.

Anyway, Spones is good. I just wanted to get these thoughts off my chest.

[linkspooky]

Why is shinobu such a great character? I love her, shes my favorite pillar.

I think the single best thing about Shinobu’s character is that she’s a bitch. Wait, wait, no get back here I’m going to explain myself. I think what makes Shinobu great is that she’s THAT BITCH. 

There’s a pressure for characters, especially female characters to be written with no real substantial flaws. At best they have job interview flaws, they are clumsy, oblivious, or they’re just too giving towards people. They’re too empathic. They’re too nice and they let people walk all over them, but to no real consequences. 

Often characters are written to be likable, rather than to be complex and flawed. They’re written in a way that they will be likably received by an audience. Which is why the rough edges of them tend to get sanded down. I think this is a problem for both male and female characters by the way, that characters are reduced to bland characterizations as opposed to complex ones. 

It’s like the difference between Uraraka and Himiko in MHA, a shonen manga that runs within the same magazine. Himiko as a character is far more developed because she is allowed to have flaws and get in the middle of bloody confrontations. Uraraka is a character who could be interesting: a hero motivated by personal greed, a child who feels that they burden they’re parents, someone perceptive and empathic but who always keeps her mouth shut for fear of tripping on other people’s feelings. She has complex flaws, but priority is given on making Uraraka look like a nice girl. Himiko isn’t nice, but she gets to like... do things. 

Shinobu has flaws, and she holds onto the ugliest parts of herself, her anger, her desire for violent revenge, and refuses to improve as a person and ultimately dies to those flaws and that’s what makes her so unique and interesting. I’ll go over those underneath the cut.

1. Medicine and Poison

Shinobu’s entire character is written around this dual meaning: basically, medicine is something that both heals and hurts. Most people think of medicine as something that is comforting and nurturing, but too much medicine can become a poison that destroys the body instead. Often many drugs we use for medication are toxic in excessive amounts. 

Shinobu is a character who toes the lie between a healer, which is how everyone expects her to act, and a poisoner which is what Shinobu regards herself as. She is someone capable of both. She can heal and nurture others, she can also destroy them with horrible poison. However, her arc in the story shows more and more that she chooses to poison and destroy because she doesn’t see herself as someone capable of healing.

Demons were once human. They are still capable of human feelings. They all have human desires and fell into demonhood for very human reasons. 

Tanjiro is someone who ultimately rejects the actions of Demons, but also sympathizes with their humanity. He doesn’t want to kill. He acknowledges that he has to due to circumstances, but no matter what he cannot stop seeing the humanity inside of the demons he is fighting against. Tanjiro is a merciful killer.

Shinobu is introduced right after we see Tanjiro introduced to the idea that demons have feelings and motivations and grapples with that and his own empathy. Shinobu is presented to us as a character without any empathy for demons. She is a merciless killer. 

Shinobu wants to repay cruelty with cruelty. She relishes in the chance. She likse feeling more powerful than the demons that victimized her. Tanjiro and Shinobu’s methods of dealing with demons are deliberately contrasted to show how different they are. Shinobu doesn’t see demons as humans, just as things, that need to be punished. She’s not wrong for thinking that demons need to be stopped and killed in order to prevent them from hurting innocent people, but torture is bad yo. 

It’s even shown that Tanjiro is much more willing to accept demons who genuinely are repetant for what they did in the past like Tamayo. Whereas, Shinobu does work with Tamayo she mistrusts her and resents her the entire time. Shinobu’s view of the world is black and white, where she is the personal judge, jury and executioner of demons. Yes, that’s how most of the demon slayer pillars are introduced to us, but it’s especially drawn attention to in Shinobu’s case with her introduction, and her comparisons to Tanjiro. 

Basically Tanjiro’s stance is I’m not going to belittle those who regret their actions, and see the humanity in demons. Shinobu’s response is I’m going to belittle the HELL out of them. 

Shinobu mocks, teases and belittles because she’s someone incapable of being sincere. The main difference between Shinobu and Tanjiro, is that Shinobu’s sister is dead, and Tanjiro isn’t. Tanjiro still sees himself as fighting to protect someone whereas Shinobu only lives to pay back the damage that’s been done on the world. 

Shinobu serves a dual role in the series. She’s the one who nurtures and heals everyone on the butterfly estate. She’s also the most remorseless killer of demons who physically enjoys the slaughter. She is medicine, but she is also poison. 

Shinobu’s anger is a very poisonous part of her personality, but rather than deal with it, and attempt to be better she’d much rather put on a fake smile and let the poison flow. We’re given a reason why. Ever since her sister died Shinobu felt like everything that’s good about her died with her sister, and now she’s indulging in the worst of herself. 

If Tanjiro is someone who fights out of their love for other people, then Shinobu is someone who fights out of hatred. She hangs onto that hatred because she feels like that’s the only real part of herself and she can’t be good like her sister.

There’s a reason that Shinobu is paralleled to Doma and it’s because everything that’s positive about her, her gentle nature, her smiling, her empathy is completely faked. It’s an act that she puts on to be more like her sister while holding her resentments deep in her heart. She could be medicine or poison, and chooses to be poison. 

Shinobu could have chosen the path of healing or forgiveness, but she didn’t want to. She chose to die, angry and fighting instead. Her last action is tantamount to suicide. She chooses to die poisoning another, rather than try to live healing herself because she thinks she is incapable of living without her loved ones in her life. It’s not a happy ending, but it’s a powerful  writing choice. The choice not to forgive. The choice to stay angry. Shinobu is a character written with powerful emotions behind her, hiding just underneath the surface which is all fake smiles and friendly pleasantries, and that’s what makes her a compelling character. 

[tinumiel]

My Spuffy feels and why I feel that Spike/Buffy are a much more complete and better suited couple.

First of all, I want to say. I have yet to read BTVS Season 8 to 12, so please, please, PLEASE don’t spoil me anything. 

TW warning: the following analysis contains mentions of sexual assault, emotional abusie, toxic relationships and death.

First thing you need to know is that Buffy and Spike’s relationship in Season 6 is toxic and mutually abusive. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t have it’s good moments, but it is toxic none the less, and there is no way around that fact. The fact that their actions can be explained does not mean they can be excused. I know it, you know it, and any Spuffy shipper who tells you otherwise really missed the point of everything. They do a lot of harm to each other, and neither is at a healthy mental state to have a healthy relationship. Buffy is dealing with her resurrection, and Spike is dealing with these feelings that go against everything he has ever believed during his time as a vampire and he doesn’t understand, and probably an identity crisis. While they find comfort in each other, it is not in a healthy manner. Buffy is using Spike, and Spike displays obsessive behavior towards her.

It all culminates in Spike trying to force himself on Buffy, which is the final proof that this relationship had become as unhealthy as they come.

But, we need to analyze the entire situation more deeply, because, unlike most cases, it is not a black and white thing. Spuffy is not black and white, and that is the depth of their relationship.

What is important to remember is that, at this point, Spike is still a vampire without a soul. But, unlike other soulless vampire (including Angel, all you apologists), he is capable of feeling affection and genuine empathy for others. He is capable of good deeds, as we see majorly in season 5. He cared particularly for Dawn and Joyce (see how he paid his respects to Joyce after she died, not because he wanted to impress Buffy, but because he was genuinely fond of Joyce). After Buffy’s death, he could have left Sunnydale, since there was seemingly nothing left for him there. The Scoobies could not and would not remove his chip, the girl he was in love with was dead, he could hunt demons anywhere. But, he stayed AND helped the Scoobies to fight against the demons. This was, most probably, because he had come to care for Dawn and wanted to look after her. 

But, he is still a soulless vampire. And as long as he stayed as such, he would never be a good guy. He was capable of good and selfless acts, he was capable of love, but his natural condition remained evil. In order for him to truly redeem himself, he needed to have a soul, and in order for that to happen, there needed to be a turning point for him, an event terrible enough for him to fully realize his “evilness”, process it, be horrified by it, and decide to atone for it. This was the sexual assault on Buffy. It could have been something else: murder, torture, etc. But the creators chose this, and I think it makes sense, considering how deteriorated their relationship had become. 

But, how could Spike really become aware of te fact that what he had done was something terrible? In order for that to happen, I think the central factor is that he had to have no truly evil intentions. Spike sexually assaulted Buffy; but, he didn’t mean to. It was not a conscious action in which he did not care for the victim’s feelings, and only for his gratification. This is what allows him to realize that what he has done is terrible and that he must hold himself accountable for it. What proves that he had no ill intentions?

I read that a key factor in Buffy and Spike’s relationship in season 6 is the word “no”. But in this case, no usually meant yes. A problematic statement, but let me explain. Most of the times they said no to having sex with each other (particularly Buffy), she did not really mean it. It was more of a mandatory thing for her to say because she was not supposed to want Spike, but she did. It was why they always ended up together. The struggle was also part of, let’s say, their foreplay (see that very hot scene of the house destroying). Spike and Buffy’s relationship, particularly at this stage, it’s a love and hate, enemies to lovers dynamic. So, all of this was normal for both Spike and Buffy. Because of this, when Buffy refused him, Spike initial thought it was most probably that it was just another case of the same scenario. 

The audience realizes it’s not way before him, of course. Because we are not soulless vampires. Spike, while capable of selfless acts (like I already said), is coming from a very selfish position in this moment. He doesn’t stop to think of what Buffy is really feeling or considering the possibility that this time her no is a “real no”, but assumes that she is simply resisting him in the same manner she always did, because in that moment, he is being a typical soulless vampire. It is something the audience has probably come to forget at that point because of the good he had done previously, but, like I said, Spike would never be a good guy as long as he didn’t have a soul. He was bound to commit something atrocious sooner of later.

But, and here is the key element to this situation and one of his main differences with Angel. He realizes his mistake. Not exactly on his own accord. Like Buffy says, it was only because she stopped him, but that moment of stop was shocking enough to “bring Spike back from his frenzy”, really think the situation through and realize what he had been about to do. And unlike soulless Angel, Spike feels guilt for his most terrible act, he feel disgust at himself. He realizes he doesn’t want to be this person, and that he has to do something to take responsibility for what he has done. This is the moment Spike realizes he wants to be a good guy. And that he can’t be a good guy as long as he doesn’t have a soul. This is the pivotal moment. It is in this point that his actions do become black or white: he either chooses to be good or he chooses to remain bad. And he goes for the good action, thus initiating his redemption arc. But this would not have been possible without the extreme situation that was the horrible act of attempting to abuse Buffy.

After this, we reach Season 7. Spike has a soul now, and much like it happened to Angel, he is taking responsibility for all the terrible things he did in the past. He can’t change them, and all his victims are most likely dead, so the only way to take accountability is to start to do good, which he does. The one of his victims he can answer to for his crime is Buffy. So begins the journey of Spuffy in season 7, that begins with Spike properly experiencing and accepting the guilt and blame, and understanding the extent of the harm he did to Buffy, and accordingly changing his behavior. Where he was once selfish and obsessive, he is now comprehensive and supportive. He gives her the space she needs, listens to her, respects her feelings. The trust between them begins to develop and strengthen, and their relationship matures into a healthy love that is not based purely on physical attraction and unresolved feelings; but in full communication and mutual compromise. Just like Buffy accepted that Angel with a soul was not the same man as Angel without a soul, she accepts that Spike with a soul is not the same as Spike without a soul, and thus, forgives him and starts to trust him again. And this time, Spike proves himself worthy of this.

A lot of people, for some reason, seem to judge Angel with or without a soul as separate people (like Buffy does) but Spike with or without a soul as the same. I don’t know if this is because Angel answers to different names depending on his soul condition, or because his personality changes drastically, but either way, of course under this circumstances Angel is going to seem more healthy and come out on top. But if he were to be judged under the same standards as Spike, he would turn out to be much, much worse. Unlike Spike, Angel without a soul is incapable of love, selfless acts, or feeling empathy under any circumstances, nor is he interested in them. His only joy is to cause pain. He abuses Buffy, perhaps not sexually, but definitely mentally and emotionally, stalks her, threatens and kills those who are close to her and is obsessed solely with the intention of causing her pain. And he does not regret any of these actions. His soul is imposed on him as a punishment. Once he has it, of course, he is happy for it. But when he loses it, he has no interest in taking it back. Spike, on the other hand, has his soul restored. He resolves to search it on his own initiative because he wants to get better. He is willing to face trials that will test his physical and emotional resolve for it because he wants to be a good man. Angel’s soul is meant to be a punishment. Spike’s soul is meant to be a blessing. So, if they are both to be compared and judged, it has to be under the same terms. Just like Buffy does in the show. So they are either judged as separate entities (with and without a soul), or as a whole.

Taking all of this into account, I think it’s safe to say Spike and Buffy are on the long run a much better suited pair, because their relationship is much more mature and developed. They’re based on open, serious conversation, and mutual agreement and compromise, as love should be. Both Spike and Angel (that is, Spike and Angel with a soul) are good, healthy love interests for Buffy, but Angel’s relationship is much less mature and developed. Angel wants to protect her and preserve her, while Spike wants to support her and let her grow. One is a relationship from her teenage years, when she was still growing to be the person she was to become; while the other is a relationship developed throughout different stages in which they have both come to know each other fully well at their worst and their best.

Angel will always be Buffy’s first love and first soulmate. It will always be true love. And they will always have a deep, unique connection. But Spike is her true love soulmate, and to a much deeper level, because just as they reach the point of becoming the man and woman they were meant to be, they are there for each other to have the relationship and love they were both meant to find.

If you read this whole uncalled for reflection, you deserve a cookie and all my love.

[sinisteredgirl]

Flower of Evil (2020)

Yeah I know, it has a lame-ass title (I mean really, show? Flower of Evil??) But don’t let it fool you, because the Kdrama ride has been one of the most enjoyable ones so far. Safe to say, ending aside, this drama made it to my faves list.

Flower of Evil is about a married couple who seems to be quite the typical happily married duo; the wife (Cha Ji-Won) is a detective who’s good at her job, and the husband (Baek Hee-Song) is a metal crafter/artisan who runs a business. They have a daughter (6-year old Eun Ha), and all is seemingly well for this happy family, until a series of killings open up a cold case—one which unravels the identity Baek Hee-Song as Do Hyun Soo, the alleged serial killer on the run.

So I started watching this show back when I was in a bit of a Kdrama slump. The one before this (Dr. Romantic Season 2) didn’t give me much joy, so I was really looking for something to perk me up. I then read the summary of this show on Netflix, saw that it was a Baeksang awardee/nominee, and then bam. And boy, am I grateful for that random algorithm that got me to this show.

For story, I’d say the writing would have been stellar had it not been for a few jumps in logic as well as that fucking ending. The pacing was beautifully done, and the way they made things connect and flow is so awesome to behold. The ending though is really a love-it-or-hate-it kind of deal, and for me it was the latter. But I didn’t dislike it enough for it to affect my utter love for the other episodes. It’s something workable—something that eventually you’ll go okay, alright, fine. Still not a fan but fine, show, fine.

The show shines, however, with its characters. And especially with our lead characters—the married couple—who the writer created with so much love and thought. They are nuanced and layered and have so many dimensions on them that it’ll probably take me another long post just to talk about it. 

With Hyun Soo, who is adept at cognitive empathy but has a hard time processing and expressing emotions, the struggle is always determining what is genuine and what is manipulation. And Hyun Soo is aware of this, as he himself doubts any emotions that he actually genuinely feels and brushes them off as only part of his manipulative behavior. As he struggles to process and express his genuine emotions, it eventually bottles up and manifests itself physically through his chest pains, reaching tipping point during the magnificent bridge scene. Later on, when he is able to acknowledge that he does feel genuine emotions (through the help of Ji Won), the chest pain stops, and he becomes much more open to his emotions (he cries a lot, becomes more visibly upset, etc). 

With Ji Won, the struggle is coming to terms with the fact that her husband lied to her for fourteen years. Fourteen years. The identity of her husband is a whole lie, and she even heard him say that he never loved her, not even once. I love love love the fact that she isn’t just Mother Teresa to her husband and welcomed him immediately; she had to process through the torment of the betrayal, the devastation, and the (continuing) lies, all the while trying her best to protect his identity as well. This push and pull strained her up until her breaking point in Episodes 9 and 10. Despite all odds, she places her trust in him again because she understands that he really does love her and that she’s all he’s got. 

(Okay but let me rant more about Ji Won for a sec. Listen, I am extremely critical when it comes to leading ladies in Kdramas because a lot of Kdramas start with really interesting female leads who eventually fall flat just to make way for tropes like boy-saves-girl, etc. Worse, there are Kdramas that totally detach the female lead from the main story (yes, I’m looking at you, My Love From Another Star). In short, I’m very critical about the way a show handles its female leads/characters because they usually get the shorter end of the stick.

With this in mind, I totally fell in love with the character of Cha Ji Won. Armed with a sharp mind and excellent observational and deductive skills, she does her job as a detective exceedingly well. She pushes hard with her questioning while also being able to comfort those in need (like the kid during the 1st episode). The show always emphasizes how much of an asset she is to the police department, and her sunbae and superiors know this. 

Aside from this, she also has the ability to inspire and instill confidence in people. Like what Hyun Soo said, she can be very convincing with her words. Driven and unfaltering, she is able to untangle the shadows and unravel puzzles. Arguably, the main antagonist was actually more afraid of her than any other character; he wanted to kill her precisely because she was too much of an unpredictable variable. So yeah, good job show for creating such an awesome character as Cha Ji Won.)

The dynamic of Hyun Soo and Ji Won is actually one of the most interesting points in the show and is also one of my fave aspects: one tries so desperately to maintain the web of lies, while the other tries so hard to unravel it. They move in a circle, like what Hyun Soo said in the final episode, but this dynamic is actually more apparent during the first several episodes when Hyun Soo was still trying so hard to keep his identity as Baek Hee Song. When the masks have been uncovered, however, it’s a delight to see them work together as a team. And they work efficiently well together, like how they worked on negotiating with the human trafficker and how they stormed the in-laws’ house for a confrontation. 

I also love the fact of how Ji Won seems to understand Hyun Soo the best, at times even better than himself. She knows that he is very much capable of feeling emotions and is capable of love, and she helps him realize this. Hell, she even knew that Hyun Soo was held up just by the way he talked to her on the phone. But she also correctly said to him that she’s no fortune teller, and that he has to share with her his thoughts and plans so that she can understand him further. Yay for communication!

It’s going to be another long post, but it’s quite amazing to see how Ji Won has influenced Hyun Soo to be a better person. He didn’t have to save the trafficked victims and enter such a dangerous deal, but he thought about how Ji Won would not have turned a blind eye on the situation, so instead, he chose to save them. As mentioned during one of his hallucinations with his dad, he has been trying to mimic Ji Won and to live as a decent person—a good person—just for her. Throughout the story, we can see how much he actually depends on Ji Won for strength and support—waaay more than how Ji Won is dependent on him. In a sense, she really is his world, and we can see how he crumbled when he thought she was dead.

(Also something that I appreciated is the fact that they’re already married, so they’re past the awkward stage and is now on the happily-married, DTF stage lmao)

Moving on, another aspect of the show that I loved is the fact that the other detectives are smart as hell too, and that humor is injected appropriately and is not a separate from the main story. 

For the other aspects of the show, I think the music is okay, and I liked some of the instrumental pieces (Flower of Evil and Someone to Remember). 

Okay, at the risk of this post being too long, my tl;dr really is that this is a great show—not perfect of course, but its flaws (especially the ending) should not deter the viewers from enjoying the ride from the earlier episodes. Definitely one of my faves.

[thegeminisage]

So like, I was just thinkin bout Dean n John today and if Mary and him were in the boys adult lives again (as per the latest season,) what wud the dynamic be?bcus John doesnt NEED Dean like he used to so I think certain pressureswouldn't be there anymore but hed still be controlling of Dean and try to dictate or manipulate his independence, right? Like those abuse dynamics don't rlly go away but manifest differently, I'd assume?

YES yes yes yes sorry in advance this is going to get so much longer/more off-topic than u bargained for, but like okay i’ve said before i think that half of john’s problem is that he didn’t have mary to be there and be his “john don’t” person for when he’s being a huge asshole. and it’s actually really wild writing this fic i’m doing rn where they’re all under the same roof again bc now that john has mary most of his REASON to be such an asshole is gone, but it’s already sort of solidified itself as habit. so i’ve actually been having a really wild time trying to figure out where he’d push things and be his worst self and where he’d sort of agree to stow his crap because mary is standing next to him and What Else Matters Except Mary

i like to think that since mary was such a distant, hard person sometimes, that to match that john before her death was someone who was very kind and giving and emotionally available - that sam and dean’s natural aptitude for empathy and kindness, in a terrible twist of irony, came from the person who was arguably the one to treat them with the most cruelty

it’s more fun for me if john really was a genuinely good person once upon a time, not because #johnrights or anything but because it’s sort of an example of how easy it would be for sam and dean, who are also good people, to lose themselves and turn into the kind of monster he was. and they ARE capable of being terrible - in fact, i’d argue that john makes sam and dean the worst versions of themselves. when he’s around, kind gentle mild-mannered sam’s temper is on a very shouty and aggressive hair-trigger, and stubborn determined asshole dean becomes a passive people-pleaser. many times when sam and dean fight, it comes back to the different ways john raised them and repeatedly inadvertently pitted them against each other

and also on that note, i do think, for all that i rage about hating 14.13, that john’s character was done best out of any of them - he was teary and fully prepared to self-flagellate (a form of deflecting guilt by making the person you’ve hurt want to stop airing their own grievances so they can console/reassure you, and we know from his journal john is a master at deflecting guilt) and also he was not at all mad about anything anymore BECAUSE HE HAD MARY BACK

it’s sort of like dean in season 13 - in the span of just a few episodes, he goes from wanting to kill jack and kill himself to being the happy-go-lucky fella we see during the brokebacknatural episode. cas comes back and it’s like a switch flipped - it’s practically a full 180 overnight. john and mary’s love story is as real and important to them as dean and cas’s is to us. so once john gets mary back, yeah, no, not only does he not NEED dean anymore, but the source of his pain (losing his wife) has almost completely dried up. so like.......god what is he even LIKE now, you know? what is he like with sam and dean??

you know how in season 12 dean is talking on the phone to cas and he’s like “please help me i literally don’t know how to act around my own mother”? probably like that, except in mary’s case there was no old habit to fall back on, and in john’s case they do still have their old dynamic of drill sergeant/soldiers 

(it’s also important to remember i think that john is only Nice John WHEN HE HAS MARY. if uh for any reason mary takes some issue with his parenting choices and decides she needs a break, i think it’s very likely john would immediately seek out dean to be his mary-replacement again, and lean too hard on him just like he did for all those years she was gone)

but even though john’s MEANNESS is reduced to almost nothing (comparatively lol) when mary is around, i don’t think his levels of ENTITLEMENT would change. that’s a hard 22-year habit to break. like he’ll come back and boo-hoo about how sorry he is about sam and dean ending up where they are (again, this is self-flagellation/deflection) but he’d also feel he had every right to know all about their lives now, what they did when he was gone, a right to tell them what to do now - less in an “ordering” sense and more in a “i know best” sense, but the result is the same. bc of course he would also still think he absolutely knows better than they do even though at this point they’d be practically the same age. 

and like: obviously sam would push against that assumption bc he always has, but i think dean would struggle a lot bc he’s grown up and grown out of his dad’s shadow, and he has people in his life besides john and sam now so he doesn’t have to white-knuckle them so tightly, but he also doesn’t know any...other way to be. like when mary comes back. wtf do we do now, you know??

and speaking of sam: i definitely don’t think dean’s going to be the mediator between sam and john anymore. firstly because sam is old enough now and has had enough distance to understand how that all screwed dean up and is not the sort of person who would want to add to his brother’s pain, but ALSO because i think grownup sam would see letting john piss him off as letting john “win.” post 5.22 sam has sort of mastered his anger issues, and he values self-control so highly as a way to cope with his trauma that letting john provoke him into losing that control would upset him and he’d do everything in his power to avoid it. so no more fighting for them, and no more mediating for dean.

so like, to answer your question finally, i think it would probably be like the old dynamic, but less earnestly. it’s something that’s a fallback, not something that comes so naturally anymore. so it’s the same except there’s all these stops and starts and moments where it chafes. and instead of dean stepping in between john and sam it’s sam (and possibly mary) stepping in between john and dean - not because they’re fighting, but because john is always going to be overbearing simply by virtue of their loaded history, and dean’s family would want to protect him from that (i really dug the way they triangulated around him when he was having a crisis in 14.12, so that’s the vibe i’m aiming for in my fic anyway)

[spn masterpost]

[calliecat93]

When I started TNG, the biggest curiosity I had was why Dr. Pulaski was so hated. I heard plenty about why, but at the same time I wanted to see for myself and be able to draw my own conclusions. Well now that I’ve finished S2, I think that I can safely state my opinion and the reasons why she had such a bad reception.

My general opinion is… Pulaski’s fine, but she got an bad start. She’s a very competent doctor who is devoted to her duty. She’s a bit of a smartass, but otherwise a friendly enough person. She’s a VERY much based off a certain CMO form a certain other Star Trek show that came out before this one, but we’ll get to that later. Pulaski honestly had a lot working against her and she just wasn’t able to get over them despite her actress Diana Muldaur (who played Miranda Jones in TOS) doing an excelent acting job. It ultimately ended with Pulaski being dropped all together and Crusher returning in Season 3.

While I understand the hate against Pulaski and can’t say that it’s unwarranted to an extent, I think that a lot of it that I saw was overblown. Now if people disliked the character, that’s fine. Everyone has different tastes and reasons for what they like and dislike and should be free to have and express those thoughts. But a lot of the issues with her that I had were taken care of very early on and she became much better by the end of her tenure. So why do I believe that Pulaski ultimately failed? Well I’ve come up with three explanations based off my own observations from watching the show and what I got from fandom consensus. Now this is all my opinion based on those observations and is not objective fact whatsoever, so take this with a grain of salt. So I believe the reasons that Pulaski failed are:

#1. She Is Essentially a Female Dr. McCoy… Sort Of: Pulaski was clearly heavily based on Dr. McCoy from TOS. She’s an middle-aged, somewhat world-weary doctor. She’s stubborn, grumpy, and doesn’t put up with anyone’s crap. She’s witty and always ready with a biting comment. She has the dedication to her job. She has the bantery relationship with the Science Officer, which we’ll go into that here soon. She is a doctor before she is an officer and that will always be her top priority, even at great risk to herself. She has a zero tolerance towards authority and isn’t afraid to talk back to anyone no matter how much they outrank her. She even outright has a hatred of teleporters that McCoy had. The parallels are all there. It may be why I’m a bit more lenient on her since McCoy is very much my favorite character in TOS and so far all of ST. But I think it is very much the root of the problem.

While Pulaski has several of McCoy’s traits, I think the writers really only understood McCoy on a surface level. They forget to include his compassion, his empathy, his humanism, his loyalty to the captain even when he opposes his actions, all of the things that make McCoy… well, McCoy. I don’t even know if the pacifism is there. Also McCoy had over 70 episodes of TOS and at that point five films (Undiscovered Country hadn’t been made yet). Pulaski had about 20 episodes and her relevance depended on the episode. McCoy had that as well, but he also had more material so we had FAR more time to get to know him. Pulaski didn’t get to have the time to gain that depth or care from the audience. Like… can I imagine Pulaski hypoing someone so that she can be tortured in their stead and it have the same impact that The Empath did? Can I see her counseling and assuring Picard if he’s having doubts like McCoy did for Kirk in The Ultimate Computer (okay tbf that would be Troi’s job but still)? Could I imagine any of the main cast being crushed about Pulaski dying of a terminal illness and choosing to stay on essentially a doomed spaceship with someone she just met and feel as gutted as I did in For the World is Hollow…? Honestly… given time maybe but in the end no. Now could I imagine McCoy risking getting an aging illness to possibly cure a child and others of it ala Unnatural Selection? Yes, albiet I think he’d be smart enough to bring protective equipment with him to be safe. Could I imagine McCoy telling someone like Data they’d be wrong to sit by a woman giving birth because he wasn’t human ala The Child? Hell no. Maybe he would if he was worried it would cause potential distress the one giving birth, but it sure as hell wouldn’t be because they’re an android. But I could imagine that someone who just saw McCoy as ‘grumpy doctor with a bad bedside manner who says witty lines and argues with the logical Vulcan character’ would get that interpretation. Thus why I think that Pulaski may have ended up how she did.

Now mind you I do think it IS a double standard to excuse McCoy’s dickish momemts and flaws, but demonize Pulaski for her’s. It’s like saying a man can be that way because it’s just expected of them and they can be forgiven, but a woman doing so or being assertice is wrong and they are horrible and unforgivable for having these traits or having flaws even if they correct them. That being said I do think that it’s more than that and it all comes down to the fact that TOS and TNG are two different shows with different character dynamics and ways of doing things. TOS mainly followed a Triumvirate (for the most part but that’s a different post entirely), TNG is much more of an ensemble. Pulaski didn’t have a Kirk nor a Spock to bounce off of or either let her traits shine or be kept in check like McCoy did nor did she really develop any unique relations for herself aside from maybe with Troi. We hear about her empathy and humanitarianism, but we don’t really see it on-screen like we did with McCoy. She has his surface level traits, not the deeper ones that the Triumvirate dynamic along his doctor position allowed him to showcase. In other words, Pulaski was put in a series that wasn’t designed for her while McCoy was exactly where he needed to be in order to thrive. It really speaks to how much the TNG writers didn’t really seem to get McCoy or why and how his character worked, which is strange since they got him right when he showed up in the series premiere. But maybe that was due to DeForest Kelley and him absolutely knowing the character he’d played for so long. But yeah they tried to replicate McCoy, and it just didn’t work with TNG’s already established character dynamics nor did they fully get the character that they were trying to recreate. If I want McCoy, I’ll go watch TOS or AOS. I didn’t need Pulaski for that.

#2. Data and Misconstrued Character Dynamics; This is in relation to the first reason and REALLY shows how much the writers didn’t think the dynamics through. We all know how much Spock and McCoy bantered. How they are opposite ends of the spectrum and how their perspective points helped Kirk in making his decisions. Well clealry they wanted to re-create that with Pulaski and Data. Makes sense, Pulaski represents the humanism and Data the logical. But there’s one big, BIG problem with that: Data is NOT Spock. A lot fo people have pointed this out, but here’s the thing about Spock. Despite whatever he may have said, Spock DID have emotions. He kept them suppressed due to the issues in his upbringing and that wasn’t necessarily healthy, but he did have them. And despite speaking in a calm manner, he was also an utter sass bucket, could be rude, and had no issue putting down humanity if he had a point to make. He and McCoy were very much equal in their bantering and yes maybe McCoy could go too far with his insults, but there was always an equal balance and Spock was also perfectly capable of starting/escalating their spats. There were also plenty of moments to show that in spite of it, they were still friends and cared a great deal about each other with probably the best examples of this being The Immunity Syndrome, Bread and Circuses, The Empath, and plenty of moments in others like Miri and For the World is Hollow… Those who have been following me know how much I love the Spock/McCoy dynamic and I could go all day, but the point is it’s a complex relationship that may seem like disdain on the outside, but is so much more when you examine it up close.

Data however? Data is intelligent and the Science Officer with a calm demeanor, but that’s about where the similarity between him and Spock ends. Data is an android. I do not believe that he is emotionless, he just has a different wiring that causes him to feel things differently. He’s never shown disdain towards humanity at least from what I’ve observed thus far. If anything, he actively seeks to understand it and emotions more. He actively has hobbies like Sherlock Holmes. He tries things like sneezing and growing a beard in an effort to understand more. Data is more or less a child with a child-like understanding of things and he doesn’t really understand social cues or things like humor, but he DOES have emotions and feelings. There’s too much on-screen evidence to say otherwise. He just has his own way of processing it. This is what makes Pulaski look so bad. When she calls Data a machine, says he can’t understand, and even purposefully mispronounces his name, she comes across as an outright bully. She is essentially bullying a neurodivergent child. Do I need to explain why that’s awful? Data, while by no means a doormat, isn’t the type to sass back or make any biting comments back like Spock would. There is no balance. There is no equal footing. There are not enough positive interactions outside the banter to show that there is something deeper there at the end of the day like Spock and McCoy did. Heck you can even compare how Pulaski and McCoy talk to Data via McCoy’s guest appearance in Encounter at Farpoint. He DOES make a quip about Vulcans when talking to Data and when Data points out he’s an android not a Vulcan, McCoy mumbles “Just as bad.” But immediately after he gives Data genuine heartfelt advice on treating the Enterprise with care. It’s clear that ultimately it’s McCoy being his usual grumpy self who’d be acting the same way towards anyone else and is otherwise perfectly civil and encouraging to Data. We’ve known him long enough to know this. Pulaski didn’t have that luxury, coming off as condescending towards Data at best and considering that she’s a doctor, it looks especially bad.

Now to be fair this only lasts for about four episodes. Pulaski does start catching herself by her second episode, and stops completely after Unnatural Selection when Data helps her and stays with her after she gets the aging virus. After that she’s MUCH moe civil to him, even defending his choice going against the Prime Directive in Pen Pals and was at his retirement party in The Measure of a Man. But clearly the damage had been done. Data is a very beloved character and by Oulaski’s intro had already been established and well-liked character. Data was treated equally and was valued as far more than just an android among the rest of the crew, Crusher included, so Pulaski coming in a season later and acting that way also didn’t help. The writers did not think through why Spock and McCoy worked and how to try figure out a unique dynamic for Pulaski and Data. Instead they just tried to copy TOS, and it utterly failed. It ruined Pulaski’s chances before she could even really start running. But I do believe that she could have rebounded and as I said, she DID get past it. She did relapse some at the end of the season in Peak Performance to the point I wanna say that maybe it chronologically happened earlier in the season, but even then she felt realized her screw up and apologized. It’s still an improvement from early on. But things just weren’t meant to be, which leads is to…

#3. She Only Lasted One Season/She Replaced Dr. Crusher: I believe that the biggest thing that worked against Pulaski is simple: she was cut after Season 2. Pulaski was created when Gates MacFadden left the show. I’ve seen conflicting reasons as to why, but regardless she left and a CMO was needed. IDK how popular Crusher was, but I had really enjoyed her. She was essentially the mom of the ship which added something different from TOS (wel McCoy was also the mom lets be real XD), had a son onboard which also added something new, was very much capable and devoted to her job, and was a badass when she got to use a phaser. Her being written out sucked, but that’s not necessarily a reason to hate Pulaski. But as I highlighted above, she just didn’t work. They tried to make McCoy, but without the dynamics and depth that let McCoy flourish. TNG is not TOS. Whenever TNG tried replicating TOS like with The Naked Now? It blew up in their faces. The key to a spinoff or reboot is to keep certain themes and tone alive, but to not just replicate what came before. TNG flourished when it began to find it’s own footing, and ultimately lasted four seasons longer than it’s predecessor due to it.

I genuinely believe that Pulaski COULD have developed into her own character and could have found her place the same way that McCoy did. But alas that didn’t happen. People wanted Crusher back, so they managed to get MacFadden to return and thus Crusher was put back in her rightful place. Because of it, Pulaski was just forgotten about. She didn’t get the chance to form her own character. She didn’t the chance to develop further and leave her early days behind. Why? Because she simply wasn’t given the opprotunity to do so. I can’t say it was the wrong choice, but it’s an utter shame because I do believe that Pulaski was on her way to improving. But it was too late. Her bad start with Data, her character not working in the TNG dynamic, and her replacing an already perfectly likeable character who did fit the dynamics all amounted to the character’s abrupt end. And because she didn’t get the chance to develop further and find her own path, her bad reputation has stuck to this very day.

In the end, the whole thing just feels like a waste. Pulaski had potential, but it just didn’t work in the end. I can’t say that I hate her. If anything, I feel bad for her. The writers failed her at the end of the day and by the time they tried correcting their errors, the audience had already made their judgement. It may have been for the best to just drop her and bring Crusher back, but I also hate seeing character potential just so utterly wasted. I hope that if any side material used Pulaski, they were able to find a much better direction for her. I can’t say that I love Pulaski. In a more TOS-like setting maybe she’d have worked better. But in the end I think that Pulaski was a decent character who just had too much working against her and they caused her to crash and burn. Just an unfortunate case all in all.

(Image Source)

[backofthebookshelf]

One of the nice things about the way the TMA fandom has reached full large-fandom levels of toxicity is that I no longer care if people get mad at me for my opinions on characters! So, some Georgie meta.

(Because fandom is and always has been Like That, I do feel the need to clarify here that I love Georgie, she's one of my favorite characters, characters are more interesting because of their flaws, and I have no investment in the idea that women or female characters are inherently better or more emotionally competent than men or male characters. If I talk a lot about her relationship with Jon, it's because Jon is our point of view character and also the person she interacts with the most. Also, this rambles, sorry.)

I've been thinking about the Season 4 Jon Trauma post and how much I liked the way it talked about Georgie, and it's convinced me that if Georgie could feel fear, she's the one who'd be most afraid of Jon out of all of them. She's the one protagonist we have whose only interaction with the powers has been as a direct victim of them. She doesn't know what they feel like from the inside, like Jon and Melanie; she doesn't know what they're like when they're someone you love, like Basira; she doesn't even know what they're like as petty middle management, like Martin and Tim. What she knows is that one time a monster ate her (only) friend and traumatized her so badly she spent a year in a suicidal depression.

And now her ex - and yes, Jon and Georgie have a remarkably comfortable relationship in the beginning of season three, but they're still exes and they broke up for reasons, even if we don't know exactly what they are - has turned up on her doorstep, shaking and possibly bloody, with nowhere else to go and no access to his home. He's clearly lying about what's going on. He repeatedly violates her house rules. And then he tells her that he's turning into one of those same kinds of monsters that traumatized her and ate her friend. It's clearly enough to override any remaining affection she had for him, and by any definition he has now positioned himself as a trigger.

(Through no fault of his own: the only real response he has to Georgie's statement is "I can't believe you didn't tell me." She's the one who assumes that he Knew, somehow, that she also had a statement; she's the one who suggests he had alternatives. Both suggestions are plausible but we don't actually know for certain that either are true.)

But Georgie isn't afraid of Jon because Georgie can't be afraid -at least, according to her. I'm not sure how much I believe this in the grand scheme of things; it seems like an extremely unlikely mechanism for one of the fears to have. It seems much more likely to me that she's just never met anything as terrifying as that encounter was, and her subjective sense of fear has been massively recalibrated. In which case not only meeting but having hosted in your home another monster who self-describes as similar to the one that was so terrifying that literal threats to your life are no longer distressing would...probably ping. But she's conceptualized herself as a person who doesn't feel fear; it's even possible that was part of her recovery, identifying this as a possible benefit of what would otherwise have been a universally terrible, soul-breaking experience. She looked existential terror in the face and survived, and came out of it a person who cannot be afraid of anything left on this earth. That's kind of a superhero origin story, and I can't blame her for it. I think anyone with a mental illness has at least tried to find ways in which their suffering has made them a better, stronger person.

But whether she's suppressing and rationalizing away any fear she feels or she genuinely doesn't feel any of it, she does frequently behave as though her lack of fear gives her a more objective view of the situation than anyone else. I don't believe she actually uses the word "just," but it drips from her every interaction with Jon after Dead Woman Walking. Why doesn't he just stop reading the statements? Why doesn't he just quit? And, in Zombie, I honestly can't interpret her reaction to Jon when he wakes up from his coma as anything other than, Why doesn't he just die? If he hates being this so much, if he really doesn't want to be a monster, why doesn't he just die?

I really would like to think that it goes without saying that this is, at the very least, a massive failure of empathy, but she's so explicit about it and fandom spent so much time basically agreeing with her that apparently it doesn't. Not only is Georgie not afraid of the situation, but (and this is the part that makes me wonder if she's not rationalizing, rather than being supernaturally unable to feel fear) she can't possibly fathom how afraid everyone else is, and she never tries. She persists in treating the whole awful situation, as @findingfeather's post says, like this is a mundane problem with people who are refusing to help themselves, rather than a supernatural trap that has been specifically built to be inescapable.

Now, let me be clear, even if she were talking to, say, a drug addict who nearly killed themselves because they were in denial about how much of a problem they had, her attitude would be unforgivable. But in this case Jon had no choice in whether or not to become addicted to statements; it was done to him in such a way that he didn't notice it was happening until withdrawal was already incapacitating. He also didn't have the option to leave, as Tim's extended vacation made clear. And, on top of all of that, the whole reason he was in a coma in the first place was that he was trying to save the world. (Neither he nor she knows at this point that he was doing nothing of the kind, so that's really not relevant.) And - look, when Jon came to her after the end of season two, he was asking for help. When he rejected the kind of help that she offered it was because he knew it didn't apply to the problems he actually had, but she treats that like it's his problem, which is something like offering a leg splint to a person bleeding out from a gunshot wound and getting offended when they tell you that won't work. He was very clear that what was happening scared him and he didn't know what to do about it, and her only suggestion was "walk away," which he literally could not do, for multiple reasons.

She's lucky Jon has pretty much precisely zero self-worth at this point, because anyone else would have cut her off completely for behaving like a fucking asshole.

I say "she's lucky" because frankly, even though she says that she wants nothing more to do with him, she turns up at least twice in the Institute after that, with the excuse that she's picking up Melanie to take her to therapy. I don't know about you, but I have never once gone to someone's workplace to pick them up and gone snooping around inside, and no matter how fascinatingly weird that workplace is, I definitely can't imagine doing so when I know that workplace also contains a person I have definitely decided I never want to speak to again. She goes into the Archives, for Christ's sake, and she listens outside Jon's office door for long enough to catch a bit of the recording before letting herself in (so it's very clear she knows who's in there).

Now I'm not trying to paint her as a monster here; Georgie would hardly be the first person to have second thoughts about cutting off someone they still care about, or to break that boundary that they set themselves when they realize they do still want to know how that person is doing. But the fact is that she positions herself as having the moral high ground in every single discussion they have and that's just not true. She is not literally a supernatural monster, true, but if season four did anything with the concept of monsters it was breaking down the difference between "supernaturally driven no-longer-human" and "person capable of caring and empathy." (That's a whole different meta, though, one that I will get around to someday.) Not that Jon is any better, in that encounter specifically, at dealing with a complicated and contentious relationship - he deliberately goads her, even if he doesn't use compulsion. But that's the thing, they're both exes who have had a falling out and aren't handling it very well. Neither of them is in the right.

All of which makes me really wonder what her relationship with Melanie is actually like. We don't actually see hardly any of it directly, and of what we do, well, Melanie sounds like she's still high on painkillers, so it's hard to take that as an indication of anything. But given that people (who are not intentionally trying to manipulate those around them) tend to, y'know, be fundamentally the same person in their various relationships, though it may manifest in different ways, we can probably make some guesses.

I have always been bothered by, and I really can't ignore, the fact that they were getting together at the same time that Melanie was doing what Georgie has been demanding of Jon since season three: she did whatever it took to get out. I have to wonder if Georgie knows about the nonconsensual surgery part of Melanie's process of getting out, and if she does, if she understands how vital it was. I certainly wouldn't be surprised, if she does know, that she's managed to compartmentalize it: Jon inflicted this terrible trauma on Melanie, Melanie escaped the entity that took her over. (Subconscious implication: Jon is a monster; Melanie is better than him.) I would be very surprised if Georgie is interested at all in the fine distinctions between entities; she's shown no interest in learning what is actually happening to anyone in this situation beyond "it's bad and they should get out of it." But it's relevant, because by the time Melanie makes the decision to blind herself, she's in a much different position than Jon, enslaved by an entity but not consumed by one. She herself admitted to Jon that she would never have voluntarily escaped from the Slaughter.

And given how difficult Melanie finds it to talk about any of this - you can hear her dragging the words out from behind her teeth in her conversation with Jon in Flesh, truly incredible acting by Lydia Nicholas, my god - if Georgie doesn't want to hear it? I can't imagine Melanie insisting. Yes, Melanie is going to therapy, but let me tell you, I've been going to therapy for twelve years now and I have yet to have several of the important conversations my therapists have insisted I have. That shit is hard. But I can imagine a scenario where, having been told by her therapist (who, remember, doesn't have the first idea what Melanie is actually going through, because Melanie isn't telling her about the supernatural so she has to leave out a lot of really relevant details) that she ought to tell her friend/potential girlfriend/new girlfriend about these things, Melanie attempts to bring it up, Georgie says kind and reassuring things and refuses to let her clarify any of the details, and Melanie gives up in relief, thinking, well, I tried. Super valid all around, but it doesn't mean that Georgie has any clearer picture of what Melanie's traumas actually look like, never mind Jon's. There's no world in which I can imagine Georgie actually internalizing the idea that Melanie loved the Slaughter when it had her, and she would gladly have stayed with it if Jon and Basira hadn't intervened.

In Georgie's eyes, Melanie is being a Good Victim. She was hurt but she was strong; she fought it until she won; now she's going to therapy and setting boundaries and trying to heal. She got away.

(Except, of course, she didn't, because as of The Eye Opens no one has gotten away, because this is the entire world now. We have no idea how this has affected Melanie. Presumably she's out of reach of the Eye, given that Jon can't see her or Georgie (and there's some evidence on the side of Georgie's encounter genuinely having stripped her of fear, if she's also invisible to the Eye), but she spent a long time under the influence of the Slaughter. It had her firmly enough that her attacking Jon was enough to give him his Slaughter scar. If nothing else, Melanie certainly hasn't had her fear removed, and talk about a situation bound to retraumatize someone who had such a visceral revulsion to being trapped that Elias chose it as his mechanism of control over her. Melanie probably doesn't look like a Good Victim any more, and I'd bet her relationship with Georgie is suffering some serious strain because of it.)

We don't know when exactly Melanie and Georgie got together; the last time one of them mentions the other is, I'm pretty sure, when Georgie tells Jon that Melanie is back from India. So we know that Georgie and Melanie were friends; that's good, that's a good foundation for a romantic relationship. At the very least they know each other, they have some idea of what to expect. I'd be surprised if they were dating during that season 3/4 hiatus period, though, or frankly any time before Melanie's surgery, just because Melanie seems much too consumed with rage to have room for any other emotions, and I can't imagine Georgie putting up with that.

What seems way more likely to me is this: Melanie comes back from India, arranges to meet Georgie for drinks. Probably they don't talk about anything serious; possibly they talk about Jon, honestly, since we know Melanie was looking for him and Georgie talked to him about Melanie, but very likely in the same "stuck-up pompous ass" way that Melanie talks about Jon in early seasons. (I bet Melanie's roasts are amazing.) Shortly after that Melanie joins the Magnus Institute and then, very likely, either she never tells Georgie about it and therefore they don't talk much or she does tell Georgie about it and Georgie tells her that place is bad news and she won't have anything to do with it and they don't talk at all, until, whichever way that went, the Unknowing happens and Tim dies and Jon winds up in a coma and everything goes to shit. We know Georgie visits Jon in the hospital; we don't know if Melanie does, but frankly it seems unlikely. If they did cross paths during this time, it was probably very brief and superficial. Then: the surgery, and Melanie's recovery.

I'll be honest, I have a hard time imagining Melanie deciding on her own that she should go to therapy. It's possible Basira suggested it, but it really does sound like a Georgie thing to do. So I picture something like this: from the way Basira talks it sounds like they've all been pretty much living in the Archives for a while, and on top of that everyone in the Archives has just badly violated Melanie's trust, so Melanie pulls up her Facebook DMs and talks to the only other person she has. You were right, she says, this place is terrible, I can't handle it, there's no one here I can trust and I'm so alone. And Georgie, who is generous with help and advice (so long as it's accepted) and (like anyone) weak to being told she was right about something, starts talking to her. We know Georgie's got good boundaries, and we know she doesn't want to hear details about what's going on in the Institute, so I can see her saying, I can talk to you, I would love to talk to you, but not about this. For that you need a therapist.

So Melanie gets a therapist, and the prospect of going out amongst the monsters they know are stalking the Institute without that protective shield of rage (never mind the emotional vulnerability of going to therapy in the first place) makes public transit an unthinkable option, so she asks Georgie to take her, and she does, and she keeps taking her to therapy, which is, as far as we know, the only time Melanie leaves the Archives in season four, until she blinds herself and escapes it completely.

And so they have this relationship that's built up almost entirely around Melanie's trauma - with a foundation of friendship, certainly, so I do think that if they are willing to work through it they could make it a working, healthy relationship, but (and again this isn't stated in canon but is my speculation based on what we know about these characters) it is a romantic relationship that's built around the process of Melanie recovering from multiple traumas. Ones that we know that Georgie a) doesn't know many details about, and b) more importantly, refuses to know any details about. Now, I have no experience with romantic relationships and serious trauma; I might be wildly off base here. But. I know that boundaries are important and I know that trust is also important. And if Georgie is holding similar boundaries with Melanie that she has with Jon (and, as I went into excruciating detail about earlier, she has very solid emotional reasons to protect herself with those boundaries), that's drawing a hard line around what's basically the past two to three years of Melanie's life, and undeniably both the worst and most important things that have ever happened to her. That seems...difficult to manage in the long term.

(This is a bit more of a stretch, more of the germ of a fic idea than an argument I'm prepared to defend, but I also would not be surprised if Georgie told Melanie that she wouldn't date her while she was still working at the Institute. That's a very reasonable boundary, and it's good motivation - and probably healthy motivation, I do like the idea that Melanie had something to reach toward in escaping the Institute, not just the desperate flight from - but it's also something of an ultimatum. Which is not inherently bad, but it is the kind of thing that can fester, given other problems.)

Now it's entirely possible that Georgie isn't that internally consistent. People aren't! (See: Basira's attitude toward Daisy vs her attitude toward Jon in season four.) Maybe she's more flexible about being willing to listen to Melanie, maybe she's starting to understand some of what was happening and how genuinely impossible a situation it really was. But that has to be a struggle for her, too; it's not a perfect, sweet, unconditionally good situation that teaches you that you've been unfair to the point of cruelty to someone you used to care about. And by the time the apocalypse rolls around, Melanie is, if she's lucky, just barely able to say she's healed from the plain physical trauma of blinding, never mind all the other baggage. They've got to be having a rough fucking time of it, at the very least, even if you assume that they're suddenly both the kind of people who will sit still and listen supportively and talk honestly about their own messy and complicated emotions, when neither of them have been that kind of person before.

(Another disclaimer because Fandom Is Like That: This is in no way a condemnation of or argument against fluffy What the Girlfriends fic; fic is for making fluffy things that you want to happen to your faves, or building fluffy content that you desperately need for whatever reason. Gods know there are plenty of unhealthy parts of Jon and Martin's relationship that I ignore in most of my fluffy fic. This is me attempting to work through my thoughts and feelings about the relationship I see in canon in the hopes of actually being able to write some fic about these girls myself someday, because I personally can't write fic until I understand canon, and so much of them happens offscreen because they're not main characters, and they're written with such depth and complexity that you can't just slap a stereotype on them and call it good. Which is awesome! But it means I gotta do the work, and I post it because a) it's work, and this is fandom, and I want validation; and b) I'm hoping other people have insights that might also help me clarify my thinking.)

[spectrumed]

11. death

For about a year I’ve been helping to take care of my aunt’s cat, Klara. She’s very affectionate, though in that certain feline way where she does cherish petting but only on her own terms. She’s quite old, she’s only got one eye. I like to joke she’s offered her other eye to Mimir’s well in exchange for knowledge. Like, y’know, Odin did. And now Klara is dead. A couple of days ago I found her lying dead by a window. She seemed to have picked quite the peaceful spot to die. At first I thought she was snoozing, as cats are known to do, but when I came up to touch her I noticed her body was all stiff. Rigor mortis. That’s a fucking metal word, isn’t it? There’s gotta be so many bands out there named Rigor Mortis. A quick look at the Encyclopaedia Metallum and… yes, I see there’s fifteen bands listed called Rigor Mortis. Nineteen bands, if you include variations of Rigor Mortis, like Rigor Mortis Brazil. Well, in any case, rest in peace Klara. I will miss you very much.

I recently watched a few videos of diagnosed psychopaths answering questions about their condition. Psychopaths don’t fear death, or well, maybe that’s generalising. I apologise to any psychopaths reading this that do fear death. I think in general, most psychopaths don’t fear death. Psychopaths are all too happy to engage with risk-taking behaviour. Many psychopaths take part in extreme sports. Perhaps it has something to do with being so emotionally stunted. In one of the videos the psychopath being interviewed revealed she only ever feels three different kinds of emotions. Happy, angry, or hungry. If humans are machines, then psychopaths are those machines where you’ve stripped out all of the unnecessary parts. Imagine buying a new car, but you decide that there’s lots of features there you simply don’t need. No GPS, no radio or CD player, no seat warmer, no little place for you to put your cup of coffee. If you’re already getting rid of all that stuff, why not get rid of the seat belt?

Though, there’s no real reason to pity psychopaths. I know that as an empathetic person you may wonder if it is alright to act demeaning towards psychopaths, to refer to them as “stripped-down machines.” Surely, they’re still humans? Shouldn’t we show them the kindness of our hearts, no matter their particular shortcomings? Of course, yes, I feel that impulse too. I am a kind-hearted softie, a bleeding-heart liberal. But… psychopaths genuinely don’t care. Psychopaths don’t get hurt that easily. Sadness isn’t a psychopathic trait. Vulnerability isn’t a psychopathic thing. It’s us non-psychopaths that have been gifted with grief. Kinda sounds like, at some level, it’s quite nice being a psychopath. Especially if you’re someone who can get overwhelmed by the stink of melancholia. The funk of gloominess. The malodorous pervasiveness of the blues. Psychopaths don’t feel that. They just feel happiness, anger, or hunger. Sometimes all three at once.

Psychopaths may own pets. When those pets die, psychopaths may appear like they’re mourning, and they will be, to a certain degree. But true psychopaths (in the sense that they’re truly, and wholly, wired towards psychopathy with no room for non-psychopathic thinking,) will not regard their pets as being anything other than property. They lost their dog, and they’re vexed. They’re not truly sad, no. Sadness isn’t part of the psychopath’s emotional repertoire, remember. The psychopath mourns the death of their pet like you may mourn the death of your computer. Suddenly, one day, your computer just got busted, and now you’re all annoyed because you know you’ve gotta buy a new one. While, sure, I know that some lesser psychopaths may actually have the capability to extend some true love for their pets, I think it is safe to say that to love one’s pet, one needs to be able to exhibit functioning levels of empathy. It is one thing to love another human. It requires quite the high degree of empathy for someone to be able to love a member of another species.

But autistic people don’t feel empathy, right? There is a frustratingly common misconception about autism that autistic people don’t feel empathy. It is pervasive, it is how the media loves to portray autistic people. Cold, uncaring, thinking machines. Calculators made into flesh. After all, if you are socially awkward, if you don’t like hanging out in big crowds, then surely, you don’t care that much about other people. You probably just find other folks to be annoying, to be unpredictable variables that ruin your perfect system. You’re like that, aren’t you? All anal and mathematical? Hey, do you want to come and join me on a trip to Las Vegas? I am sure you know how to count cards, like, that’s one of the diagnostic criteria for autism, right? I’ll be Tom Cruise, and you’ll be Dustin Hoffman. I’ll be the cool guy, and you’ll be my dumpy friend. Don’t complain about me pigeonholing you, treating you like some curiosity, and not a real person. You’re autistic, you’re just a machine, you don’t have any true feelings. I’m being nice to you, taking you out to count cards for me. If it weren’t for me, you’d be locked up in some sanatorium. It’s probably where you belong, come to think about it. That's where I'll park you when I don't need you.

Yes, I know the hypocrisy of me complaining about being dehumanised, when I just did the same thing with psychopaths. But the difference is that autistic people actually do feel the same kind of emotional depth as everyone else. Autistic people do have the capability to feel empathy, to care for others, even to be considerate and polite. Yes, it sucks struggling with certain social cues, sometimes it can make interactions quite painful, but I can assure you that we autistic people, we do care. We try our best. This is why so many of us experience such severe anxiety. I know it is why I’ve developed social anxiety, and agoraphobia. I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want to come across like some social misfit. I want to belong. I want to share the love, to be a big and cuddly pacifist with a heart so big and able to give hugs that are even bigger. No, I don’t view pets as property. I view animals as remarkable creatures that can tell us many important things about what it means to be alive. Klara the cat is dead. And I am sad. I am scared of death.

I know it sounds silly, but I had my first big existential crisis around the age of five. That’s when I learned that, in fact, all people die. I knew that death was a thing, I can remember fully comprehending what death was, and that it was something that happened to people when they grew really old. But I thought, well… I had convinced myself that death was a choice. Like, I thought that you got to choose when you wanted to die. Or rather, I thought it was a bit like that snooze button on your alarm clock. I knew that we all had to go at some point, but we could delay it if we wanted to. I thought we could all just keep postponing death, until we felt as if we had finished living. The fact that really scared me, what actually traumatised me, was not that we were all going to die, but rather that we were all going to die whether or not we were prepared for it. The uncaring nature of death, that is what scared me. Ready or not, here it comes. It’s like a hawk, soaring above you, just waiting to strike when you are at your most feeble. The indifference of it all. The uncaring coldness, it beat me. Death is a psychopath. Death doesn’t have any feelings. It only occasionally feels hungry.

No surprise that as an adult I’ve come to entertain certain macabre interests. I like horror, particularly the creeping subsets of horror that work to make the reader or the viewer feel that certain sense of impending doom. Gothic horror, or cosmic horror à la Lovecraft. (I do like body horror, too, but that has more to do with me just being a weirdo pervert.) I have a tendency to stay up late at night, reading about atrocities, about real crime murder cases, or whatever else piques my particularly gruesome obsessions. I like art, but I particularly like art that’s unsettling. There’s some button inside of me that yearns to be pressed, and I can only reach that button by exposing myself to media that as a kid, would have profoundly messed me up. I suppose that is common. Ask any horror geek why they got into horror, and they’re likely to go into some long story about how they used to be this really neurotic kid, scared of everything, and how as they grew older they found that the horror genre became a go-to way for them to confront their fears and feel better about themselves and the world around them. I am not sure that you are what you eat, but I think that, to some extent, you become what you fear.

For Klara I made a little cross. Two twigs put together with some string. Yes, Klara probably wasn’t Christian. I’m not really Christian (though, like many Scandinavians, I will profess a certain kind of cultural Lutheranism.) But it was easier making a cross than preparing a big tombstone. I think ceremonies help. I’m not a superstitious fool, I do not believe that some creature will suffer in hell just ‘cause you bury them in an unmarked grave. The dead, they are dead. They don’t care if you take care of their graves, or even if you remember them. Only the living care about cemeteries. Cemeteries are places where the living gather. Graveyards aren’t for the dead. Klara is dead, and that is that. I didn’t really make the cross for her. I made it for myself. But maybe that’s not such a bad thing. At least I did it out of love. I do feel more emotions than happiness, anger, and hunger. Sometimes I feel affection for those that no longer can feel affection back.

I am reminded of some lyrics from a band that I like. A band that, for the most part, does some quite macabre music. I can’t exactly recommend them to any old fella that comes across this blog. But the lyrics also reminds me of when my grandmother died, and we all stood in a line to place flowers on her casket.

“Lies can often give you power. Like a coffin filled with flowers, gives life to the living, not the dead.”