#you cant convince that this hasnt happened AT LEAST once

[retros-artandstuff]

eyebrow twins

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

Has to be:

Hates That One Loud Neighbour x Is That One Loud Neighbour

😌

omfg i love this one asdfghjk. okay i lowkey struggled to figure out who would be who cause it could work both ways, but i think ill go with jensen being the loud neighbor and bryce being the one who hates it lmao

this is so long im so sorry but anyway

(doing it bullet point style bc i can <3)

(idk exactly what their professions would be in this, possibly the same but one of them would work at mass kenmore/just at a different hospital, because eventually theyd notice or piece together that they live in the same building)

bryce wouldve moved in a little after jensen. for the first month or so it was fine, maybe music through the walls once or twice, but nothing long enough that warranted a complaint

after that month, though, at all hours of the night thered either be music or a tv show or just something playing loud enough that bryce could hear it through the walls

he could never catch this mystery neighbor, though. he was up early in the morning and didnt want to bother them (as if they werent already doing the same), and when he got home usually he was too exhausted to do anything about it

after about another month of the on and off disruptions, bryce has a few friends over as a mini housewarming thing (jackie, elijah, and sienna). he mentions an offhand complaint about it and they all obviously ask why he hasnt said anything. they tell him he should just catch this neighbor at night when the problem is yk,, happening. by then though hes exhausted and can usually pass out after a little while of tossing and turning

eventually, they convince him to at least put a note on the door, so he quickly scrawls one out, tapes it there, then comes back. by the time they leave, late into the night, the noise seems to have stopped

it lasts for a peaceful month and a half but, lo and behold, it happens again. it had gradually been getting louder, yes, but he figured they would realize and stop. after some debate, and hyping himself up enough for the confrontation, he goes to talk to them

hes totally ready and prepared as he knocks on the door, but all of that quickly dies in his throat as his apparently very hot neighbor opens the door in pajamas

bryce doesnt let it show, of course, but instead of the anger he planned on, the conversation takes a very pleasant turn as he cant get anything other than niceties out. after introducing himself, he manages to ask if jensen could maybe please just a little if its at all possible keep the noise down after 11 pm since bryce can hear it through the wall. jensen immediately apologizes (bc ofc he would make it even more difficult for bryce to be upset with him) before agreeing and closing the door

the next day he gives a loose rundown to the others, and of course they ask how the confrontation itself went. the end of the conversation ends something like this:

jackie: you cant cave at the sight of every hot guy you run into

bryce: i dont usually, it was just unexpected!

elijah: well, its gonna happen again im sure, so be ready

and bryce thinks he will be. he gets another two months out of it before it happens again, and this time hes actually pissed off. he marches himself over there at some ungodly hour, knocking on the door and most certainly not getting distracted by jensen only wearing boxers and a tank top

he has that fresh "i havent slept in three days" look to him, eyes dark and apologizing through a yawn before bryce can even get a word out

...and then he feels bad. he asks if jensens alright just before he can close the door, to which jensen explains just how perfectly fine he is, its just insomnia. ah. things click into place, and bryce manages to make a lighthearted joke about how hes at least learning something from the documentaries he must be watching considering how many times bryce has heard david attenborough's voice through the wall

he actually gets a laugh out of jensen before they head their separate ways

gradually, bryce starts seeing him around more. occasionally they help with each others groceries, chat in the hall, etc etc

after a few months of this (and some peace and quiet on bryces part), he hears jensen talking down the hall with one of their elderly neighbors. it wasnt weird for jensen to be over there, often changing a lightbulb or bringing up groceries, but this time seems a little more urget

bryce barely gets the key in the door before jensens heading down the hall for his apartment, giving him a smile just long enough to stall him from noticing the blood dripping down his hand before closing the door behind him

bryce of course opens it and follows him in, asking if hes alright and what happened. he was building a bookshelf for them and lost grip of the nail in his hand, accidentally sending one through the side of his hand

(we'll say bryce is still a surgeon in this) he quickly takes over for jensen, cleaning it up, getting it closed, and properly bandaging it

bryce finishes off the bookshelf for them and offers to get jensen dinner, which he refuses but bryce insists on anyway

as his hand is healing, bryce finds a few more excuses to bring over dinner, eventually confessing that hes not eating out to treat jensen, its because he cant cook for shit. they start doing a few mini cooking lessons at jensens place, which is obviously more alone time together, and one thing leads to another and they get together :)

[om-headcanon]

☆ mc catching the obey me brothers crying

i believe its fair to assume mc has seen at least one of the boys cry. here is what i believe happened. (if you want me to do undateables, let me know! tw for low self worth, panic attacks, and survivors guilt/death mentions)

lucifer

without a doubt the most embarassed to be caught crying

he had just gotten into an argument with diavolo, and he questions his importance in diavolos life

he goes into the study to get some extra work done late at night to reassure himself he is useful

with all of the stress from the situation at hand and some stress from supporting the family on his back, he cant help but shed a few tears

all he wants to do is keep those around him happy and healthy... and it tears him apart when he cant

if i cant make the ones i love happy then... what can i do...

he doesnt notice your presence, as he has hands over his eyes and is breathing slowly in order to relax himself

you call out his name softly to get his attention

lucy jumps and tries wiping his eyes and playing it off as if he was never crying

you walk closer to him and he keeps inquiring if theres anything you need

you dont say anything, you just place your arms around him and hold him in a tight embrace

and he starts crying again on your shoulder... harder, this time. holding you tighter and closer in the embrace

because of his pride, its hard for him to admit what he needs the most: someone to show they care for him

mammon

mammon is the type to not cry often but when he does, its a lot

while his brothers dont really have bad intentions, the daily degradation they execute against mammon really gets to him

he can only put up his confident front for so long, and not long after a fight with asmo, it recedes

he lay on his bed sobbing heavily into a pillow to muffle the sound for nearly a full hour

his mind cant help but insist all the words his siblings tell him are true... and he wishes more than anything that you were there to tell him they werent

he looks up to the door every once in a while with blurry vision, mind convincing him theyre at the door, but you not being there makes him cry even harder

maybe they just think the same as the rest of my brothers

he hears the doorknob, but convinces himself its his mind again. ironically enough, this makes him cry even harder

except its actually you this time

you run over to his bed to sit down next to him and rub his back reassuringly, asking if hes alright

he jolts up, shocked youre actually here. he closes his mind and smiles sadly with a tear stained face

he pulls you into an embrace and whispers a soft thank you... your presence helps him more than you will ever know

you hold him for a few minutes and tell him how awesome the Great Mammon really is

leviathan

its been a long stressful day at rad, and he cant help but overthink every single action he has made

every single glance hes made, every single word hes said ... just everything

most days he would resort to playing a game or watching an anime he loves in attempt to distract himself, but other days its not that easy

he starts spiraling, thinking of not only everything hes done that day, but actions hes done in the past too

eventually hes past the point of no return, and starts having a panic attack

levi cant seem to catch his breath and with the thoughts still rushing through his head at full speed, he cant attempt to calm himself down

he envies those who dont feel the way he does right now because god, what he would do to not feel like this

you were just wondering why your gaming buddy hasnt come looking for you so naturally, you go to him

you knock on his door waiting for him to ask you for the entry code... but theres no response

you enter and are quite shocked to see levi shaking on his bed

this is familiar to you... whether youve had to guide a friend through a panic attack or have been through one yourself, you know what to do

you reassure him this will all pass and knowing how hard school is for him, you tell him he did well today

you get him to regulate his breathing and gain some composure

hes embarassed you had to see him like that... but he lets you know hes so thankful that you came to help him

satan

he just wants to be his own person but with how his life was set for him, its almost as if thats a tall order

its very rare he cries from happiness or anything like that, but sometimes he gets so sad that he gets angry... and then he cries a lot

no one dares to go near him like that

and that hurts him too... that nobody could or would ever dare to console him because they fear what hed do to them

he acknowledges this is a justified fear as he is after all the representation of wrath itself, but it still hurts nonetheless

belphie decided to poke fun and tease satan reminding him of how hes lucifers shadow

he didnt take it well... and retreated to his room to handle his emotions

he knew his family didnt want anything to do with him while he was angry... and that made him feel like a burden

but he grew used to everyone expecting he handle his emotions himself even if every once in a while he desired some reassurance

satan sat in a corner of his room crying to himself waiting for this to pass because he didnt believe anyone else would care to check on him

but you were curious as to why he wasnt in his usual 4 pm reading spot, so you decided to check his room

he was just sat completely still staring into the distance while tears fell down his face

he didnt even notice your presence until you sat down next to him

you didnt want to pry, so you just asked if he wanted to talk about it

he shook his head, laid on your shoulder, and just said “this is all i need”

asmodeus

ahh... while self love is so easy for him, self value isnt

its easy for him to believe people want to be around him solely with lustful intent rather than because they genuinely love him

he doesnt really believe anyone could ever love him

so he overcompensates through self love because he believes hes the only person who could ever love him

hes great at hiding it but sometimes, this gets to him... especially after some quick encounters with others at the fall

he thinks maybe there is no depth to him.. maybe i really am just a pretty face and nothing else

asmo cries pretty often, but he only lets people see him cry when its over something material (ie, he couldnt get a new bag hes been wanting for weeks)

he cries quietly too in effort to make sure nobody sees him

he seemed to have forgetten that you two were planning to go shopping today so you went to his room to see if he was ready

you werent expecting to see him rolled over in bed softly crying to himself

you startled him when you said his name

“oh, mc, i didnt see you there!” he chuckles lightly to himself in effort to change the mood of the atmosphere as he wipes his eyes

you ask if hes okay and his sad smile falls slightly

he asks you if you genuinely think he could ever be lovable

your heart breaks a little knowing that he even has a moment of self doubt, but you reassure him that hes a lovable person inside and out

you hug him tightly while another tear falls down his face

you two decide shopping is best for another day... for now, you just want to talk and do facials

beelzebub

beel loves his family a lot

more than he loves food (also a lot)

he hates conflict between them and would do absolutely anything to avoid it

what he hates the most about himself is how hungry he gets... hes aware its poorly timed but theres really nothing he can do about it

but the feeling hes being an inconvenience to those he loves hurts him

beel is great at smiling as often as possible, but if theres any tension between the family, he wont stop crying until its resolved

once he was so hungry it wasnt possible to control himself and he ended up going on a rampage

he earned scolds from lucifer, mammon, and satan for this

it tore him apart knowing that he had caused his family trouble for even a second and he started crying because of the guilt

he couldnt even find enough energy to make it back to his room, so he just sat in the kitchen with tears on his face

you had decided to go to the kitchen to get a snack when you saw him

he apologized for being in the kitchen and offered to move if you wanted his seat, but you declined

beel didnt even bother wiping the tears from his eyes... he wore them like they were a punishment for his own behavior

when you asked him what was wrong, all he said was that he was a bad brother

you tried to tell him otherwise, but then he went into detail about the situation and how all he does is cause the family distress

you told him that isnt true at all and he continues to bring light and happiness to all those around him

hearing that his brothers will come around and know he meant no harm is all he needed to hear

“thank you, mc... i feel less hungry when im with you”

belphie

he has lots of survivors guilt

its been millenia but he still wishes that it was him instead of lilith

because of this he cries quite often, but never in front of anyone other than beel

this feeling that lilith and him should have traded places haunts him often, and its not always so easy to sleep it off

as fore mentioned, he usually finds comfort in talking to his older twin but beel isnt always there

beel was at one of his clubs at rad and belphie didnt want to bother him, but he really did need someone right now

unlike his older brothers, belphie actually makes an effort to find you

he doesnt find you in your room nor the kitchen, so he continues to search around the house in hopes youre around here somewhere

he happens to find you by yourself in the study on your d.d.d.

belphie feels bad bothering you, and enters the room quite quietly

“mc, can we talk?”

he sits down next to you and lays his head on your shoulder

contrary to what he stated he wanted, not much talking is being done

he just lies there quietly crying with no explanation why

he realises he may not be as ready to talk about it as he thought... but thats okay

you tell him that youre going to listen whenever hes ready to talk about it

that makes him feel a lot better

he falls asleep right there with a thankful smile placed on his face

[prongssmrrcury]

a very bleak christmas

wolfstar fic /// one shot

word count ( 6.2k ITS LONG SORRY)

fluff, not much smut

this turned out awfully long IM SORRY😭 having that said i hope you enjoy <33 ily mwahh

"you ready wormy?" james said, shutting his trunk and looking at his bed and around the dormitory to make sure hasnt forgotten anything. he looked over at the shorter boy with sandy coloured hair who was bending down apparently trying to get something he dropped from under the bed, but struggling a great deal. he nervously shot his head up giving james a weak smile and said "yes, im ready, i just dropped something here im not sure what-"

"just tell moony to fetch it for you while we're away" james said and peter just agreed and left the dormitory trailing after james with his trunk, shutting the door on his way. the gryffindor common room was emptier than usual, but the fireplace was lit with a couple of people huddling around it to shield themselves from the ruthless cold of december. despite this however, peoples spirits were as light as ever as almost everyone was departing for two weeks to spend christmas with their families, even lily evans stopped rolling her eyes every time james breathed, and started spending more time with him and ( to james' great delight) enjoying his company. speaking of lily, she was standing by the fireplace with her hair up in a ponytail with a furry winter cap on her head. james noticed her at once and made his way down the flight of stairs and tapped her shoulder softly, she turned around and gave him a warm smile, a short hug followed.

"happy holidays james!" she smiled so widely it watered james' eye. she called him james, not potter.

"happy holidays" he managed to respond, taken aback by the sudden affection she just showed him. she looked around furrowing her brows slightly then spoke, "wheres your trunk? have you not packed?"

"oh no i have! i left my trunk with peter to um, you know, come and say hi" he said the second part of the sentence quietly, she let out a soft laugh, god he just wanted to kiss her so bad. "wheres yours?" he asked quickly. she turned around slightly to show him her trunk which was standing behind her, tapping it twice.

"alright then, lets go down to breakfast, minnie wouldnt want us to be late" he told her, taking her hand and leading her out of the common room with him. he looked back at peter who was struggling with his own trunk and james' but peter just shot him a thumbs up as if he got everything under control.

"alright wormy, dont be late" he muttered. the pair of them walked down from the gryffindor tower to the entrance hall and right to the great hall where elaborate christmas decorations were encapsulating the place, giving the entire castle a more homey vibe. the four house tables were emptier than usual, james and lily made their way to the gryffindor table where they were met by a handsome boy with long hair that he managed to scruff in a very messy pony tail, and a taller boy sitting across him who seemed to find his buttering his toast to be a very intriguing activity. lily and james took seats next to them.

"morning" sirius spoke, looking at lily then at james.

"morning sirius, how are you" lily replied, who also began buttering her toast. sirius didnt respond right away, instead he eyed her then finally spoke, "oh im, im very good" it didnt really seem like it, sirius didnt seem to be in his loud, arrogant and flirtatious mood today, instead a rather dull and quiet one. lily looked at james silently trying to understand what had caused the sudden change in sirius behavior, she was met a mere shrug from james. the four of them sat in silence for the next ten minutes, no one breaking silence that seemed to have swallowed them. remus then looked up for the first time and sighed loudly, which made sirius look very attentively at him, waiting for him to say anything.

"im gonna go, im in the dorm if you want me pads. enjoy your holidays james, you too lily" he said lowly, also clearly in a dull mood in contrast to everyones mood right now. he got up and left, shooting them a weak smile before disappearing out of the great hall.

sirius watched him so closely even when he had gotten out of sight. it was common knowledge that the pair are in love and clearly fancied each other, almost everyone in school knew that. maybe its because of sirius' shameless attitude, cuddling with remus in the common room, sitting on his lap in the middle of the great hall, or pushing remus against a wall and just stand in front of him doing god knows what. the only problem was... neither sirius nor remus knew they liked each other. they obviously knew they had a different relationship than anyone else but they were so oblivious to the fact that theyre in love that it sometimes made james just want to scream it in their face.

"you okay pads?" james said mockingly, sirius had been staring at where remus left for at least ten minutes completely transfixed, he came back to his senses at once and looking abruptly between james and lily then back at his doughnut, fiddling with it slightly. he then shot james an alarmed look and said, "dont call me that james". he spoke so firmly, he knew james knew this is what remus calls him. no one was really allowed to use that nickname with him, even he and james who had a light hearted friendship that was basically based on jokes and pranks, sirius pronounced the words looking into james' eyes, which made james know he was being one hundred percent serious. james didnt respond, feeling a rush of guilt in his stomach, he just took a bite of his oatmeal.

"how are things with you two" james asked. sirius once again didnt respond right away but instead took time to ponder his answer.

"what do you mean how are things"

"you know, have you guys had a row or anything?" james asked, stuffing more oatmeal in his mouth.

"oh- um yea no. not really no" sirius hesitated a bit. the truth is that remus and him didnt have a row, but today was one of these occasions where sirius woke up finding himself on remus' bed not knowing how or why. it had happened a couple of times before and when it did, remus would immediately smile warmly at sirius and pamper him with kisses here and there on his cheek and his jaw. however, today, remus woke up a bit more shaky to the fact that he was in the same bed as sirius. he straightened his pyjamas quickly giving sirius an awkward smile and leaving without a word.

james dropped his oatmeal and looked at sirius looking serious for the first time, giving him a smile that carried something between sympathy and support.

"are you ever going to tell him?"

"tell him what" sirius said bluntly

james smirked. even lily suppressed a knowing look. sirius rolled his eyes.

"you guys are not onto that bullshit the whole school talks about right?" he asked cringing slightly.

"if the bullshit includes you and remus being blindly in love then yes" james gave a small laugh.

"literally blindly" lily mumbled, but sirius heard her and gave her a look.

"guys- hes my best mate"

"doing a lot of canoodling with your 'best mate' ?" james smirked rolling his eyes.

"first of all, what the fuck is canoodling james, this isnt the eighteenth century" he ppinted out the weird choice of wording.

"whatever, point is, people dont sleep on their 'best mates' chests every day padfoot" sirius opened his mouth to protest but james cut him again "just save your breath will you. im trying to help"

sirius sighed heavily burying his head in his hands and shaking it.

"i dont fucking know what to do prongs. fuck ugh i hate this so much why cant it be simpler" sirius' voice got weaker.

"mate just talk to him, remus cant read your mind. and its pretty obvious the feelings mutual" james tried to convince him.

"i dont know if hes into- you know, into me" sirius tried to explain. sirius had come out to the entire school three years ago so it was common knowledge that was gay.

"oh he is" lily said

sirius blinked.

"i mean, i spend a lot of time with him in our prefects meetings and in the library and stuff" she explained. sirius blinked again.

"i mean" she began again, "he talks about you an awful lot and seems to be quite fond of you" she smiled.

"look, you'll never know if you dont ask" james said again. "look at me, i had to ask lily out at least fifteen times-"

"james what the fuck this isnt the same, why are you even comparing it" sirius interrupted

"oh of course its not the same, but communication is key, no matter what the relationship is"

"yea and when i ask him out and he just says i misunderstood all his soft affectionate gestures, then stops hanging out with me because im gay and he would know i have feelings for him, that clearly arent mutual. i'll just ruin everything, and i'll lose probably the only person that likes me in this lousy world" sirius spilled, laughing bitterly.

"sirius! you know remus would never stop hanging out with you because of that, you know it!" james said, his voice getting a bit louder.

"yea but it'd be a sticky situation when your gay friend has feelings for you" sirius said, his eyes filled with tears that he wiped right away hoping james and lily didnt see that.

"sirius.." lily said lowly

"lily can you please check up on peter and help him if needs any assistance" james told her firmly, she didnt need telling twice, knowing he wanted to be left alone with sirius. she made her way out of the great hall until she was out of sight, then james look at sirius again who had his head buried in his hands once again.

"sirius i dont know whats gotten into you today, but you know damn well that neither moony or i would ever think of you any differently because you're gay. stop saying that as if its something that hinders you" this was one of the rare occasions where james was serious and firm. he wanted sirius to know meant every word that left his mouth. at this moment he heard a sniff followed by a weak sob.

"james, i sometimes wish i wanst- wasnt, you know, gay" he managed to say between sobs. james' face fell suddenly.

"no dont say that. please dont say that, you know we love you the way you are and we dont give two damns if you're gay or not" james got up and made his way across the table to sit next to sirius rather than in front of him.

"you're me best mate, i dont like seeing you like this. i love you a lot sirius and nothing your little overthinking brain comes up with could change that" he said, pulling sirius into a hug, so hard that he mightve broken a few ribs. he wasnt gonna let go before sirius does, he could stay here all day until sirius was ready to let go. he heard strong sniffs and felt his chest going up and down. sirius broke the hug after a few minutes, looking a lot more content than he had a few minutes before. james gave him his usual cheeky smile.

"your fucking snout sirius" james laughed, picking up a handkerchief trying to clean his shoulder.

"fuck off" sirius managed to laugh, sniffing again.

"thank you" sirius said quietly

"come off it, dont thank me" james smiled at him. he watched him grab a cigarette and right when he was about to light it with the tip of his wand james stopped him hesitantly. james never really liked to mother him about smoking or give him lectures about the effects smoking had, but he noticed sirius was eating less and smoking more the past couple of days. sirius shot a "what-do-you-want" look to which james responded, "um, can you please just eat something before you smoke" james said. he knew this was a touchy subject, he never liked to mention it but they were alone and he knows he's the only one sirius would listen to. sirius gave him a hesitant look, before stuffing the cigarette back in his pocket.

"just for you prongs" he rolled his eyes, taking a bite of his doughnut. james however was filled with so much joy seeing his best friend do that just for him.

"what are you smiling so much at you prat" sirius said between bites. james shook his head softly before saying, "im very proud of you sirius, i hope you know that" sirius smiled and laughed dismissively at that statement, james knew it touched him but sirius never really knew how to respond to affectionate words.

"you're very sappy you know that" sirius laughed slightly.

"whatever" james felt his cheeks go red. "anyway i have to get going before i get minnie mad on christmas" he said, getting up, swinging his backpack on his back leaving the hall.

"tell moony i say merry christmas" james called, leaving the great hall also disappearing out of sight.

~

later that night, james and lily departed home to spend the upcoming weeks with their families to celebrate christmas, so did most of the school. as homey and welcoming as the school felt, everyone loved going back to their family, everyone except sirius. sirius was never fond of his family, he never had a good relationship with them and all they did was make him more miserable, he would take any chance to be away from them. sirius was sat in the library that was emptier than usual (but the ceiling was enchanted to fake snow) he was sitting with two giant books opened in front of him, yellowed by age. he looked over at the books, he hadnt read a single word despite being here for nearly an hour. he came here in an attempt to distract himself from the intensifying amount of nerves and stress, however, he was so lost in his thoughts that not even that gigantic book can save him from his exhausting overthinking. he sighed heavily, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulder, shutting the books that made a loud thud and put them back in their place. sirius swung his backpack on his back and left the library making his way to the gryffindor tower. he just wanted to sleep. yes, sleep, thats what he needed. he went through the fat lady's portrait and climbed up the stairs to his dormitory, finding remus sitting on his four poster bed completely engulfed by a book. remus shot his eyes up the second he heard sirius walking in and gave him a wordless smile, going back to his book. sirius' stomach did a funny lurch.

"i was starting to think youve forgotten your way around the castle" remus said, flipping the page of his book, still reading it. sirius looked at him nervously, not sure what he meant by that.

"what?" sirius asked, he was going to take his shirt off and get in his pyjamas but stopped abruptly. he didnt wanna make remus uncomfortable around him, especially after what happened this morning. they always had a very intimate relationship though, changing in front of each other was never a problem. remus suppressed a chuckle which made sirius look at him, unsure what he found comical in this very intense atmosphere.

"you can take your shirt off if you want sirius" remus said, still poured into his book.

"how can you even see me?" sirius couldnt stop himself. remus looked up from his book and gave him a is-that-even-a-question look. sirius slipped his undone tie, unbuttoning his buttons his fingers shaking horribly for a reason he didn't understand. he knew remus was looking in his book (not that he didnt want remus looking) but he still felt like all the worlds eyes are on him. a couple of awfully long minutes passed and sirius finally was in his pyjama and got into his bed under his blanket and stared absentmindedly into the wall. remus flipped the page once again, he hadnt read a word on the previous page. how could he? he was so preoccupied by sirius changing in front of him. remus did freak out when he found himself on the same bed as sirius this morning. he doesnt know why he freaked out the way he did, its not like its the first time. he knew that this had made sirius extremely self conscious the whole day, he was wearing a very dull look. he had to make up for his unexplainable actions, he cant stand seeing sirius this upset, especially if he was the reason hes feeling like that. he couldnt stand seeing him in such a bad mood on breakfast this morning that he had to dismiss himself early. but sirius' loss of his loud flirtatious attitude was what stirred the pot for remus. he didnt walk in the dorm and try to slip in bed with remus, or get a kiss from him, or remotely try draw any attention to hismelf from remus rather than that book in his hand, which was as un-sirius as one can get.

"why were you late?" remus asked sirius, knowing hes not asleep. sirius mumbled something inaudible from his bed that remus didnt catch onto. remus furrowed his brows slightly. he shut his book and put it on the bed side table, the sound he made when he shut his book made sirius shift in his bed to face remus who was staring back at him.

"where were you?" remus asked

"in the library" sirius said simply, avoiding any sarcasm or any joking around. remus face wore a surprised expression.

"oh- by your own will?" he said with a breathy laugh.

"yea" sirius replied

"what were you reading?" said remus, sounding excited. sirius didnt exactly know why he wad being interrogated by remus about his absence.

"um, i was just doing homework"

"oh, thats actually nice pads" remus smiled. sirius' stomach did another flip at the nickname. god this was so awkward and tense, sirius thought.

"sirius are you mad at me?" remus said, going straight to the point. every muscle in sirius' body went tense and completely still.

"no" sirius said bluntly.

"sure?"

"yea"

"okay. great then. um do you wanna come lay here with me?" remus offered, this was quiet foreign for remus as it was never him who initiated anything sexual or intimate. but he was willing to go out of his comfort zone for sirius. just for sirius.

"uh- sorry moony im really tired" it pained sirius to say these words, if he was being honest, he wanted nothing more than to lay in remus' chest right now and give him soft pecks and kiss his stupid plump lips.

"oh, okay" remus said lowly. "okay then" sirius wasnt sure what he meant by that tone, and before sirius has any other second to think about it, he felt his bed dip slightly and remus climbing on him, placing himself on top of sirius with his legs wide opened around his waist. sirius felt like all the oxygen in the world had escaped his lungs.

"tired, you said you are pads? want a little massage?" remus cooed softly. he leaned down on sirius' chest undoing his pyjama buttons revealing his tattooed chest.

"remus-" sirius tried to stop him. sirius promised himself he wasnt going to do anything like that with remus because he doesnt want to make him uncomfortable or possibly hate him more, however, this is different. its remus thats initiating it. it remus that did it.

"what pads?" remus continued cooing softly, completely stripping sirius of his shirt and attaching his lips on sirius' neck. at this exact moment, sirius moaned louder than he intended. he shifted slightly in his bed and put his hand through remus' hair. remus continued nibbling sirius' neck. he bit and licked at all the right spots, leaving a soft trail of kisses all over his neck and made his way up to his chin and on his lips, where he left a soft peck. sirius however pulled remus' head back towards him to kiss him properly, remus licked sirius' bottom lip which made sirius moan approvingly into the kiss. remus slipped his tongue in sirius' mouth and deepened the kiss, he felt sirius' hand wandering around his shoulder and slipped in his shirt to touch his bare skin.

"god this is so" remus moaned breaking the kiss only to attach his lips on his once again.

"remus-" sirius stopped him abruptly. remus looked down on sirius, his eyes mobing fast between his godly features, furrowing his brows slightly not understanding why sirius stopped him. did he make him uncomfortable? was sirius really not in the mood and remus overstepped a boundry? remus felt a horrible tingling feeling in his stomach as his brain raced between all the possibilities.

"remus im sorry- i cant do this" sirius said, as soon as the words left his mouth he felt horrible, reading the shocked and bewildered expression on remus face, he looked very hurt and unsure of himself.

"oh- fuck okay im sorry" remus said quickly, getting off sirius and leaving his bed, but sirius held his arm to immobilize him and not make him leave. they stared at each other for a few seconds that felt painfully long. both of them felt confused, upset with themselves and unsure of what to do or say next.

"can you please stay" sirius said quietly avoiding remus' eye. remus didnt respond which made sirius feel a horrible pit of nerves in his stomach.

"i- i don't understand. you just asked me to stop and told me you cant do this" remus spoke lowly with a soft rasp in his voice. sirius buried his head in his hand, he was on the brink of tears, he honestly didnt know what or how to explain his confusion to remus. how could he explain it or put it in cohesive words when he himself didn't understand.

"sirius please talk to me" remus said softly, holding sirius' hand

"rem i dont know how-"

"do you trust me?" remus cut him off.

"what- yes of course" sirius said sternly.

"then please tell me how you feel"

"how i feel about what?" sirius asked

"about doing this" remus tried to explain, sirius knew at once he was referring to all the sexual stuff they do.

"remus i love it. i enjoy it a lot, i sometimes just want the day to end only to get in bed with you. i- i dont know how to word my feelings because it's honestly just all a mess inside me" sirius spilled. this was the most he'd spoken all day. remus smiled at the last sentence. "what about you?" sirius asked, feeling the same horrible pit of nerves in his stomach increase. remus however smiled.

"i do things for you pads that id never do to anyone" he said, smiling more. he leaned closer to sirius' face and brushing a few strands of his hair out of his face. "but, if you feel unsure about this, we can stop and just be friends. i'd completely understand"

"no what the fuck moony" sirius said before he could stop himself, remus looked in his eyes. "no im unsure about your feelings to me, not about my feelings to you" he tried to explain.

"you think i dont like you?" remus asked quickly.

"well not exactly but im not sure how you feel towards me". at this, remus leaned down to kiss sirius lips a soft and tender kiss. he took his time to savor every bit of his mouth he could.

"maybe this would give you a good idea about how i feel about you" he smiled at him. "we're both exhausted, its best if we just go to sleep"

"right okay. can you sleep with me?" sirius asked, remus gave a breathy laugh at his sweet request.

"yes darling i can" he said with his usual rasp apparent, getting under the blanket and spooning sirius playing with his hair for the the next foreseeable hours until both of them were sleeping.

soft sun rays illuminated through the window of the gryffindor tower and on the entire hogwarts grounds. the translucent curtains that were in the dormitory were not doing any shielding from the sun rays whatsoever. it fell gently on the two boys that were sleeping together, tangled together, their bodies almost intertwining so perfectly with each other as if they were jigsaw pieces. sirius' head was on remus' chest, remus hugging sirius' body towards him and their legs just tangled. they looked so peaceful, their chests raising and going down every couple of seconds, it was all so perfect that one could confidently bet that even their heartbeats were in sync.

an owl came knocking its beak on the window above the bed theyre on, breaking the gentle yet majestically peaceful the state they were in. sirius shifted slightly in his sleep, opening his eyes to find uninvited sunlight penetrating right through his eyeballs. the owl made another knock on the window trying to grab their attention.

"fine okay" sirius said rasply, he got up sitting upright opening the window for that stupid owl that interrupted his sleep. the owl had two parcels tied on its leg. sirius untied them and the owl flew out at once.

"whos that from?" a raspy voice spoke he immediately knew it was remus.

"um, i think its" he turned the parcel around to see if there was any name, he smiled when he saw the senders name.

"yep, its from prongs" he said looking at remus who also smiled warmly.

"well, we'll open it later, lets just get up quickly now before we miss breakfast" he said, sitting up right and sliding his legs out of the bed. the two boys changed into their normal clothes. remus got into a hand knitted sweater and pants, sirius also got into a baggy sweatshirt and sloppily tied his hair up.

"pads is that mine?" remus smiled looking at the sweater sirius was wearing.

"maybe" sirius replied with a cheeky tone.

"course it is" remus rolled his eyes. "you literally have the biggest closet out of all of us, yet youre never wearing your shit" sirius gave him a weird look.

"not that i mind it darling" remus said softly, playing with sirius' hair slightly. they both left the dormitory and walked down to the common room with the intention to leave to the great hall, however they were met by a small table that was put in front of the fireplace with breakfast food laying on it. they looked at each other exchanging weird looks.

"there was no point of making you leave the common room only to go down and eat when its only you too in the whole school" professor mcgonagall's voice spoke. she was sitting on an armchair wearing her usual green dressing gown. "well anyway, im going down to have breakfast with the rest of the teachers. you two have a merry christmas" she smiled slightly and left the common room.

remus and sirius were just left there standing stupidly in front of the food table.

"well, i guess we're not leaving. sit down lets eat im starving" sirius said sitting himself down and starting to eat toast. they both ate until they were full and just laid on their armchairs to take their breath.

"wanna open the parcel prongs sent?" remus asked after ten minutes of silence.

"uhh sure" sirius said, getting the parcels, handing remus one box and he opened the other one. he tore the wrapping and opened it, a smile breaking on his face.

"he got me a wand polishing set. oh and look, he got me some hair bands" remus laughed a little. sirius put the hair bands in his wrist.

"what are you laughing at, i love it" sirius smiled "what did he get you?"

"he got me part six of 'crows or crowns'. its my favorite book and he knows i couldn't find that volume anywhere" remus' face wore a very big smile from that present. "oh and look! he got me a vest, it's beautiful"

"i'll be wearing that" sirius said at once

"of course darling you can wear it whenever"

"remus open my gift!" sirius said with so much excitement, remus held the huge box wondering what he has inside. he stared at sirius before opening it, unsure of what will meet him when he opens it. his suspicion grew larger when he was met by a cheeky smiling sirius.

"its not gonna blow up in my face right?" remus laughed a little

"only one way to find out" sirius shrugged

"oh god" remus joked. he opened the box and the first thing he saw was a big box inside labeled 'book polishing kit' remus' face fell with shock.

"sirius! sirius is this a book polishing kit? oh my god" he was gasping. sirius felt his cheeks burn by the fond expression on remus' face.

"holy shit pads where did you get this, these are so rare and expensive" he held it close to his face examining it with so much excitement.

"shhh its a gift" sirius was kind of embarrassed fora reason he doesnt know. "theres more stuff"

remus looked inside the box and laughed out loudly when he saw at least a doesnt bars of chocolate.

"what are you laughing at! this is the muggle chocolate you told me you like" sirius said flustered a little.

"yes yes i love it" remus smiled. "thank you"

sirius shrugged, not knowing what to say in situations like this.

"um, right open my gift" remus said looking nervous. remus' gift was something a little different and not very expected, he spent a lot of time thinking whether its a good idea or not. hes so nervous for sirius to see it, he felt his stomach lurch so badly he might vomit. he handed sirius an a4 piece of parchment that was folded into quarters. sirius gave him a confused yet excited look.

"are you giving me your transfiguration homework as a christmas gift moony" he joked.

"oh shut up and open it" every fibre in remus' body was screaming in anticipation and nerves. sirius unfolded the paper and read:

"dear sirius,

i am writing this in the dormitory for the fifteenth time at least. i thought so much about this and decided that its perfect. six years ago when i laid eyes on you for the first time, you had this aura that carried so much charm, something about your stupid gorgeous personality was so seductive and made me in complete lust for you. there aren't enough words in the english language to explain how you make me feel, nothing will come close to describing how i feel when you slip in bed with me every night, when i play with your hair, when i hear your heartbeats, when i hold your hand and stroke it with my thumb, when you kiss my scars, when you sit next to me in class sit there looking pretty doing nothing. i came to the conclusion that every little thing you do has me in utter awe. no one has ever made me feel like that, for a long time i was so confused as to why and how you could do that so effortlessly. i was confused about how i felt about you for so long, i was so confused about myself, and you helped me come to terms with who i am, by being so unapologetically you. at the end of a hard day you're always there to cheer me up, even in my darkest days, when nothing felt like it'll be okay ever again, you're always fucking here to change that. the number of times you've saved my life sirius, i couldnt tell you, by just merely being here. i figured that no matter what happens and no matter where life takes me, i want to always be with you. i never want to see that day i have to depart you, i dont ever see it coming because not even the strongest force from the gods above will make me leave you. im in love with you. im so fucking in love you idiot. im in love with the way you talk, the way you tie your hair, the way you dress, the way your eyes crease when you smile, your bark like laugh, your stupid jokes that i find funny unironically, your chirped nail polish... just in love with you. so sirius, this is me asking, do you want to be my boyfriend?"

sirius read the letters at least three times to make sure he wasnt missing anything, to make sure he was reading it correctly. was remus asking him out? was remus actually in love with him? none of this felt real. sirius felt like he's seeing stars in his vision, like he was going to pass out any second right now. he looked up at remus who was staring attentively on him and watching his every reaction. he met eyes with him and felt like all the worlds oxygen was being drained.

"so?" remus asked, his voice quivering.

"so?" he repeated as if this was a incredulous thing so say, " fuck yes i wanna be your boyfriend" sirius threw himself on remus on his armchair and splattered him with kissed everywhere he could reach.

"i never thought id be the lucky person to actually end up dating you" sirius breathed

"please, im the lucky one here" remus rolled his eyes.

"i mean hell yeah you are" sirius said sarcastically.

the pair of them spent the rest of the day sitting on the armchair cuddled up with the heat of each other, sharing soft intimate touches every now and then. they spent the whole day in peace and delicacy and made the most out of each other’s company. soon enough before they knew it, the holidays were over and students were returning to hogwarts for their second term.

“hi remus! hey sirius, good holiday? how are you two?” james showered them with questions enthusiastically when they saw him come in the gryffindor common room, he seemed to be in a cheerful mood.

“yea, great holiday” remus mumbled finding himself an armchair and sitting in it. the rest followed and sat on armchairs around him but sirius sat on his lap which remus scooted over a little to make space for him. james and lily looked at each other rolling their eyes playfully but happy that theyre on good terms, unlike the last time they saw them.

“what about you two? and you wormy? how was ur holiday” remus asked calmly, playing with sirius’ hair absentmindedly.

“great we had a great a time, i invited lily and wormy over, wormy couldnt make it though. but lily and i had fun, my parents liked her a lot” james smirked looking at her. “obviously they knew her because i always talked about her to them, but they’ve never really- woah WOAH” james’ speach was cut abruptly when he saw sirius attach his lips to remus’ and remus kissed him back fondly. they all exchanged shocked looks but they werent too shocked, they knew something was happening between the pair of them.

“woah guys” james laughed as they broke the kiss apart and giggled at their reaction.

“yea um, remus and i are dating” sirius said, lookinh flustered slightly. remus was still playing with his hair softly.

“does that mea we can go on double dates?” james said at once

“james potter i am not going on double dates with you and sirius thank you very much” lily said sarcastically.

“suit yourself, james and i are going on dates” sirius shrugged

“james and you are what-“ lily looked confused but cant help a laugh.

“thats right evans” sirius said in a dignified tone.

“dont you talk to my girlfriend like that black!” remus said at once. they all laughed at the sitiuation but lily said with a serious voice, “guys im so happy for you, youre finally together” she smiled wamrly. remus and sirius scooted closer next to each other smiling back at her.

“really proud of my mates” james said, trying to keep a serious tone but smirking at the same time.

[calehenituseappreciation]

i hc wilbur made tommy president because he planned to go and press the button while tommy spoke and kill him along with himself

wilbur wanted end all his unfinished symphonies and as the person who raised tommy- he raised him like he raised l'manberg. he doesnt care for fundy- not since he denounced him- so he wanted to end him :)

i need a fic where tommy is the one who goes to stop wilbur and wilbur fucking stabs him before pressing the button saying "it was never meant to be" tommy loses both first and last lives to that phrase

tommys last words are it was always meant to be fucking wilbur survives the explosion and has no one to kill him and now he has to live with the consqunces tommy becomes toast- short for ghost tommy i refuse to write so many letters each time- and immeditly looks for his older brothers and he finds wilbur first :) wilbur is exiled for his crimes and also out of fear- they tried to rehabilate him! they really did but then he freaked out over seeing toast... in a bad way.... and he and toast burned georges house on toast suggest (maybe we should burn something! that always helps me calm down!) this is after wilbur is trusted enough to be not... in a prison... after phil convinced them he needs help and toast tries his best ok- (WHO LEFT WILBUR WITH TOAST!) (I THOUGHT IT WAS A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME! I WAS ONLY LEAVING FOR FIVE MINUTES! AND RANBOO WAS THERE TOO!) and toast tries to go with but everyone is like "yeah no" and toast is like "whhhhyyy i just wanna stay with wilby!" and everytime anyone tries to tell tommy about the wrongs that have happened to him he screams and clutches his head in pain and everytime he comes back he doesnt remember the convo toast,,, is the most BABY toast calls everyone cutesy nicknames unironcially he calls eret rere toast, chriping happily: TECHIE!!!! tubbo: TOMMY STAY AWAY FROM HIM! toast, in a very lost and confused voice: why? techno, freaking out: tommy? toast: hi!!!!!!! im toast!!!!!! :D techno: lowkey ab to cry toast: NOOOOOOOO DUN CRI! toast: there there techie... i know what will help! tubbo, sighing: arson? toast: ARSON! phil comes just in time to find tommys dead body and l'manberg gone hes not around for the withers neither hes there just to see the crater and wilbur in chains with blood on his hands trying to off himself phil will forever blame himself for not making it in time :> dream: taking wilbur away in boat toast, floating behind the boat: o^o dream do you have any games on your phone .///^///. looks at exileinnit hmmm spins roulette wheel who should i hurt... i picked d all of the above they dont let toast go with him but because he is baby and you can't tell him what to do tubbo: sighs finally now that the exiles done toast can you- tubbo: looks up tubbo: GOADDAMN IT

toast is promptly kidnapped back to l'manberg the next day toast keeps going back tho and no one understands why- he literally killed him! why does he keep wanting to go back! (toasts unfinished buisness keeping him tied was helping wilbur and l'manberg- he loved wilbur even at his worst)

toast vibes around everyone but he stays with wilbur- where ever wilbur goes is where he builds his home

its shitty but its an 'ome Toast, teary eyed: Dad? Why does everyone hate Wilby? Why can't I be with him... Phil, with no idea what to do: niki bakes cakes with niki whenever hes in l'manberg he keeps accidently setting her bakery on fire but hes sMOL AND GIGGLES A LOT AND HE HAS FLOUR ON HE GODDAMN SELF toast is a part of mexican l'manberg i dont make the rules mexican dream: AYYYYYYYYY HOMIE toast, giggling: 'OMIE!!!!!

Toast is wholesome while everyone is literally willing to murder Wilbur while also trying to stop him from khs toast is just a very happy lovely child and cries whenever anyone is mean to 'his big brother wilby!' and so they all constantly glare daggers over toasts shoulder wherenever he cant see em meanwhile Phil is just dying inside because Tommy is a ghost by Wilbur's hands and Wilbur keeps trying to commit suicide and oh god what is he supposed to do- he simply avoids this struggle by avoiding them toast, waddling up to philza: papa do you have any games on your phone? all im saying is that tommy called phil papa before changing to dad or fathercraft phil,in the tired parent voice: tommy please sit down- just for five minutes- at least for 5 minutes toast: sits down and then proceeds to struggle to continue to sit but he must because dad told him to toast is just ADHD incarnate wilbur, trying to end himself: im gonna escape my consequences toast: HI!!!!! :D wilbur: FUCK ITS MY CONSEQUENCES toast,,,, is so baby Wilbur is just not allowed to have anything remotely sharp i like how theres so much angst and im just hyper focusing on ba yby dream uses toast the same way he uses ghostbur! :D toast doesnt realize of course even after wilbur tells him dream is bad but he keeps forgetting!!! Everyone: da baby Dream: how can I profit from this oh dream is manipulating wilbur btw wilbur: suffering toast: i made you a card toast trusts eret wholeheartedly and this hurts eret because she knows if toast remembered he probably wouldnt- they wanted redemption but not like this- not because of death Toast: you look cool Toast: you are friend now Eret: sobs I don't deserve this Toast: what did I do wrong Toast: how can I help friend!!!!! Eret: sobbing more toast looks at everyone says "ah! friend shaped!" if ur wondering wheres the angst toast is the angst- toast is just tommy without any bad memories and hes so different they thought he was happy before they thought he was fine tommy was hurt too but since he internalized it no one cared toast sees wilbur being sad and goes! i know what will help! n-not arson tho people dont like arson when you do it.... BUT ITS OKAY! I BROUGHT A FRIEND! shows friend, the sheep and wilbur just fucking sobs Toast is wholesome chaotic in a perfect mix- toast is tommy but without the 'asshole on purpose as a self defense mechanism" someone mentioned something about Tommy masking insecurities once Toast doesn't remember. and he's fine with that he doesn't have any insecurities toast hurts because in retrospect toast, meeting bad: WOAAAAAAH! YOU LOOK SO FUCKING COOL! bad: LANGUAGE! toast, cringing back, looking at the ground: ..sorry :( bad: ...you can swear toast: :D bad: once toast hasnt sworn since "hes saving it for special occasions" sometimes he accidently swears and immedtly gasps and looks at bad and bad just sighs and is like "its okay it was an accident" bad never would have thought itd take letting tommy swear for him to stop huh... its almost like... hes a child.... and the negetive reienforcement.... was doing more harm then good.... toast: exists in an amount of happiness no one has ever seen him in before everyone: pain how much pain was tommy in before? they thought tommy was happy- was... was he not happy? he's so unabashedly joyful and energetic looking back they can see how forced every laugh felt, every smile- He's not afraid to just talk to people, make new friends he became so much more cautious after Eret, had it really effected him that badly? He's open. He never lies about how he's feeling, never brushes anything away how much was Tommy hiding, how much pain, how much fear- It's chilling. bone chilling. There's no way to fix what's been lost. No way to apologize to who Tommy used to be, to try and make it better. None of them every bothered to see him as anything more than a nuisance, an annoying child or cannon fodder and they'll regret it for the rest of their lives everyone: having a mental crisis toast: GUYYYYSS!! I MADE ANOTHER FRIEND!!!

"Wilby?" Wilbur heard Tommys voice say in an innocent tone.

Was he hearing things? Tommy's dead. He killed him himself.

"Wilby why are you in prison?" The image of his little brother asked, "Did you commit arson without me?" it asked in a pout.

"TOMMY!" Tubbo yelled running into the cell where Wilbur was kept, going through the bars with ease, "Tommy get away from him!"

"But 'ubbo!!!! Wilby is 'ere!!!!" Tommy (?) said with a smile Wilbur hadn't seen since Tommy was a child.

"Tommy, I understand you don't remember anything right now but you need to come back over here!" Tubbo demanded and Tommy flinched

Wilbur was struck with the sudden realization that this isn't just his mind- no no it can't be- but Tubbo acknowledged him he has to- Wilbur reached his locked hands towards Tommy only for him to pass through him. What? No no it was just his imagination that makes sense.

"Oh sorry Wil! I'm kinda dead! I don't remember how i died... but i think im a ghostie!" Tommy said plainly, floating off the floor. Wilbur looked at him in confusion. Whats happening?

the first time toast sees the crater toast srceams in intense amount of pain- its so loud you can hear it all over the smp- and just dissapears for a few days before reappearing with no memories of what happened toast saying things tommy thought but never said- he calls eret "big brother" and eret fucking d i e s toast cals all the l'manbergians older siblings He's far too honest for anyone to handle tommy was always honest too but he learned from experince that honesty only lead to hurt Tommy was like an enderchest, you could never see beyond the exterior, everything inside was exclusive to him and him alone Toast is like when someone dies and all their fuckin items explode onto the ground. you just see everything and most of it was  pain and everyone feels bad because they thought he was the only one uneffected that nothing had ever put a damper on his happiness and energetic smile- at what point had that smile became fake? also for angst reasons the last memory toast has is before the elections toast has uwu boy vibes but more chaotic toast goes to dream smp from logstedshire purely for sam nook toast starts making his hotel since he sees nobody has a home (including dream LMAO) (and he wants to make a safe place since everyone keeps saying something about war) and wants to make one and asks sam for help since apparently hes good at building and sam lets him pay after he finishs the hotel and sam nook is there since day one because i dont think i could handle a world without sam nook toast: biting everyone tubbo: wHY DO YOU DO THAT?????? toast: once techie bit all the cupcakes and then said it was his cuz he bit it so im biting everyone to show their mine!!!!! tubbo: i- tubbo: i am both flattered and disgusted everyone, remembering how tommy used to bite everyone upon meeting and then everyone would get mad at him and yell at him until he stopped biting people on meeting: sadly whips and nae naes hes a BABY toast deserves the fucking world also i havent talked ab it but there is wilbur and fundy angst here fundy confronts wilbur also not that fundy is angry about not not not getting murdered by his father but also why does he consider tommy his unfinished sympohny and not him? he raised fundy too- maybe he just only ever loved tommy (based off his insecurity of how close wilbur and tommy are based off wilbur raising tommy and wilbur only being there for fundy by the time he was older and also using hybrid age go nyoom for this dream manipulates toast during wilburs exile along with wilbur and toast realizes both of them were being used by him and fucking screams lourder than he ever has before and dissapears for a week and then shows up at technos house (he got lost and he didnt know why he was at logsted shire- he doesnt remember the place) on the day of the excution and tries to help technoblade but keeps forgetting that everyone is trying to kill techno the butcher army is hesitant when "hey why are you all attacking big brother Techy-" "HE SPAWNED WITHERS IN L'MANBERG!" "he did?" toast asked tilting his head in confusion "YES! HE DID! AFTER YOU DIED! NOW WHERE IS HE TOAST! WE NEED TO CAPTURE HIM!" whenever tubbo talks ab how theyre planning on excuting techno or how there was no trial toast has flashbacks to tubbos excution but hes never able to hold on to the memories just leaving him feeling bad toast sees anything traumatic and just makes the blue screen noise toast has to reboot every time anything truamatic happens and when he does he doesnt remember what happens after

toast hurts on a "THE FUCKING IMPLICATIONS OF THIS" level just.. everyone trying to make up for not noticing tommys hurt and trying to be good to toast when its already too late... far too late glatt is also here because whenever ytoast dissapears after something trauamtic he bounces back to the land of the dead for the bit and sometimes he drags glatt out to the land of the living with him only works bc toast has unfinished buisness so he can freely go between and just stays in the land of the lving until he can finish his unfiinshed buisness ghostbur and toast wouldve been good friends if they ever met anyone yells at toast and he immeditly starts sobbing

basically when everything is calm and peaceful and everyone is happy together after dream is in prison and toast is like "oh... this is what ive always wanted"

"toast?" tubbo asked, confused toast smiled softly, "i think its time for me to go" "what?" wilbur asked his pitch unusually high due to the fear lacing his voice "i think... i think this was my unfinished buisness... this is the last thing i wanted when i was alive, the reason i stayed... i think its finally my time to go now" toast said smiling tearfully "no! you vcan't go! we just got you back!"

basically when everything is finally ok, when things finally calm down toast fades back to the void/afterlife thing

[shoot-the-oneshot]

Counting the days day 4

Series summary. You go to a friends bachelorette party in Italy and meet the man of your dreams, NOT, you didn’t see the part where you get kidnapped by a gangster on your friends itinerary. How will you handle being thrown into a life of guns and mafias.

Massimo Torricelli x Reader

Series masterlist

slowly unpacking your bags once you reached the hotel room, which you were surprised wasnt shared with Massimo. he told you to meet him for dinner once you were done but you were to wrapped up in your head to care. as far as he needed to know you were taking so long getting ready not sitting on the bed scrolling through your phone. seeing all your friends posting pictures from home making you homesick, and a little jealous. Massimo didnt seem as bad as you thought he was, but he was different.

you agreed to give him a chance but the want to go to dinner at your favorite restaurant near you childhood home, or show him how you used to live, where you worked. was starting to weigh on you. although he probably knew everything there was to know about you on paper, it just didnt feel the same. but since when did dancing with the devil feel normal. one day, you told yourself. the cold tile biting at your feet as you walked to the mirror.

finishing your hair and make up, you didnt know where he was taking you but judging by his house he was a man with good taste, sliding on a black dress you brought with you, sexy but classy seemed like your best bet. your heels clicking against the white marbel floors of the lobby catching his attention. it was easy enough to find him, you were convinced the man stuck out like a sore thumb everywhere he went. his eyes scanning over your body head to toe, silently reaching his hand out for you, leading you to the car waiting outside.

"You look beautiful."

sneaking glances of you from the side of his eye, attempting to look as if you didnt make him nervous. it wasnt like the boy from school that couldnt talk to girls, no, this was more when a man asks a woman to marry him. like everything is riding on every word he says. you don’t know how to feel about that.

you were right, the man liked fancy. walking into the restaurant it was clear he rented out the entire thing, that or he owned the place. rose petals were covering the floor, candels giving the room a romantic glow. his hand was warm as it layed on your lower back guiding you to a table. the resturant was built inside a cave almost, that had an opening with the best view of the ocean you have ever seen. views like this dont make you feel so homesick.

"i spoke to the chef beforehand and planned the meal, hope you don't mind."

he said, gazing at you. while you haven’t taken your eyes off the ocean crashing aginst the cliffs.

"I dont mind, but did he listen to you because you’re a scary gangster, or because you sign his pay checks?"

side eyeing him for his reaction. he chuckels with his deep tone of voice you cant tell if its sarcastic or if he's actually amused.

"This is my newest restaurant , hasnt opened yet i thought you would like it and hopefully the food as well, if i'm lucky you may even enjoy the company."

as he finished plates were set in front of you both, your favorite , he remembered. so the company might not be that horrible.

he spent the entire meal either making you laugh or answering any questions you had while asking some himself. all in all it was an amazing date

He was walking you back to your hotel room, hand on your back once again.

“We have to be at my club in a few hours, be ready.”

Then he just walked away, you were almost upset at that. He went on and on about you giving him a chance, falling in love with him. But when you do he just walks away? Before you had to much time to dwell on it he suddenly stopped, walking back to you with long strides standing barely an inch away. His hand caressing the side of your face as he kisses you hard, showing you his still in charge, as if you didn’t know. Pinning you to the door, his free hand tugging you into him and holding you there. Your breath mixing as he pulls away.

“I had fun tonight, we should do it again.”

Wordlessly nodding your head, still caught up in the breathtaking kiss. He laughed knowingly.

“Glad you agree for once, I have something else planned for tomorrow.”

Taking the key from your hand unlocking the door, pushing it open for you giving you one more kiss before he left.

Two hours later Nico knocked on your door to take you to the club.

“Massimo says you’re giving him a chance now, is that true?”

“Not that a had much of a choice but yes, I did.”

Silence fills that car until the bright flashing lights of the club can be seen. Nico grabs your arm stopping your from getting out.

“Y/n it’s not just our crew here, it’s.....business partners you could say, so don’t pull anything, please I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I’m not stupid I’ll stay as far away as possible.”

Pushing pash the bodies in the club, you didn’t know where you were going just following Domenico who points you to a bar top table in VIP while he goes to a private room with two bodyguard on either side of the door. You and Massimo lock eyes briefly through the open door. Looking below to the ground floor, people dancing and drinking without a care in the world, like you and your friends were only days before.

Tensing when arms wrapped around your waist, relaxing as you saw the familiar tattooed hands.

“Are you trying to catch every mans attention with that dress?”

He harshly whispered in your ear, his grip tightening. Smirking you turn to face him. Now cornered between the railing and his large figure. His hair messier then last time you saw him.

“Got your attention at least.”

“And unwanted attention,”

He spoke looking at all the men staring at you, the smart ones averting their gaze as they locked eyes with Massimo.

“Just stay here, Domenico and I will be watching.”

Planting a quick peck to your forehead squeezing your ass, no doubt to show his ownership to those that didn’t get the hint.

“Said every stalker ever.” You mumbled, watching him disappear through the door. After watching mobster after mobster filtering in and out for what felt like hours. You knew if you accidentally crossed paths with a different mob they wouldn’t take your back talk as Massimo does. So it’s probably best to distance yourself. As you were trying to make it out of VIP someone pulls you back by a rough grip on your wrist. Not reacting thinking it was Massimo who was angry at your departure until you turned around seeing a unfamiliar face.

“Where are you going sweetheart? The party is this way.”

The stranger says, yanking your arm making you fall into him.

“Let me go!”

Trying to push him away proving futile as he over powers you, practically dragging you through the lounge. “Oh you’re a fighter, they’ll love that.”

Tossing you onto the heavily guarded room. Scraping your knees on the rough carpet. Cringing as the man yells out.

“Look what found, remember finders keepers boys!”

Pulling your hair to force your head up to show his prize, unintentionally making you lock eyes with Massimo, who launched to action the second he recognized you.

Jumping to his feet guns pointing in every direction as other members joined in. Keeping your head down. Now you understand when people say ‘it happened to fast’ You hardly noticed Nico dragging you out over all the yells and gun shots. Only coming back down to earth when he yells at the driver to go to some address and started shaking you.

“Y/n, what happened? Are you okay, Y/n!”

“If fine, uh, I didn’t like being so close I was trying to go to to main floor when he grabbed me. I’m sorry Domenico I didn’t mean-“

“No Y/n that wasn’t your fault!”

He interrupted, cutting off you self blame. Soothingly rubbing your back as you pulled your knees up wrapping your arms around them.

“Massimo’s gonna kill me.”

Series tag list: @calirindo @salvatorecan-wait @mjaudrey @omgsuperstarg

[angeltiddies]

eternal skyline of a spotless mind- or the one where the first 5 or so minutes of 15x20 are the only minutes i accept. 

in which i ramble a whole ficlet on accident and y’all i need the full fic. yes there’s a tinnnny bit of smut. also spn 15x20 spoilers slightly 

now i want the fic where dean applies to be a mechanic, gets the job, does real good. he and miracle live in the bunker, sam and eileen moved out a year ago now to follow a job opportunity for eileen. it’s a big place to be alone in. he keeps watching over and over all of the movies he has in a file entitled ‘cas’ favourites’ he sips whiskey, a responsible amount, and pets miracles head while his head is on his lap. sometimes he dives into the lore, he’s glad sam isnt here to give him shit about finally doing his research, but he’s trying to find a way to cas. to save him. and one day he tries to mix up a spell thatll open a portal into the dark nothing and his ingredients sputter and spark and he thinks it’s gonna work this is it, and it just doesnt. the smoke clears, the sparks stop popping, and there’s nothing. and so that night he goes into the dungeon draped in one of cas’ old trenchcoats and he sits in that spot he had to sit years ago and he cries, and miracle sits beside him and he cries because he’s trying he’s trying to live for love he’s trying to do right by cas and he just....he cant...cas died thinking dean didnt...didnt love him. and god, does dean love him. so he cries and he whispers iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou and he falls asleep on the concrete, uses miracle as a pillow but dean doesnt think he minds. and he wakes up in the morning, eyes puffy, and he drags himself to work, and he’s back to square one. and this continues for a while, dean doesnt really remember when he tried the spell, but it’s been a while. a month, maybe more. and he goes into work, and there’s a new car for him to work on. it’s old, a classic, but dean kinda thinks she’s more junk than classic, sue him, and he starts working on it, and he opens the trunk to pop a particularly stubborn dent out of it, the client’s not paying for that but he just can’t let the car be driven around all beat up, and there, right in the trunk, is a trenchcoat. bundled up, and tan and big and dean grabs it, he shouldnt but he does and his heart is beating so fast as he brings it to his nose and smells it and it’s cas it has to be and so he rushes to the front office, demands to know who the client is, when are they coming by and as he’s going completely wild wanting to know everything it suddenly goes calm. because there, in a worn flannel and blue jeans, is cas. castiel. and dean just looks for a moment, to convince himself its real, and then hes rushing to a wide eyed cas and saying ‘you stupid son of a bitch’ and crashing his lips into those ones which he has wanted for and then cas isnt really kissing back so dean stops because he...he cant take anything more from cas, he needs to give and he...he stops himself because what if...what if this wasn’t what cas wanted, so he pulls back, lets his hands linger on the soft of the flannel, and then cas is speaking, head quirked, ‘do i...do i know you?’ and fuck. his heart drops right out of his ass. his knees buckles and hes on his way down when castiel catches him, pulls him up, hand on his shoulder, and he holds on to him. and dean lets out a ‘you don’t remember?’ and castiel says, ‘no. i...i dont i’m so sorry.’ and dean thinks all hope is lost until cas asks, ‘i know this is too much to ask but it...appears i know you, and i kind of just, woke up one day in a field and i...i dont really have anywhere to go..and um’ and hes rambling but he’s determined to get his little angel back, all the way back, so he says, ‘you wanna come home with me, angel?’ and cas grins and dean wants to see that grin everyday of his life. so he finishes cas’ car, lets him trail behind as they drive to the bunker. he doesn’t explain it really, just opens the door and says ‘well, heres the place’ and cas walks in and looks at everything with such wonder. and he brushes his fingers across the gold embossing of an angel on one of the books there and dean just watches, listens to cas breathing, aches to touch.

he sets cas up in his old room, cas quirks a head when he sees all the suits and ties in the closet, says something like ‘now i understand why i woke up looking like a tax accountant’ and hes being good old cas, sticking so close to dean and he’s sitting beside him to watch a movie and miracle is sprawled across their legs and cas says, ‘i could get used to this’ and dean says, ‘yeah cas, me too.’ so they sit and they watch and they repeat that day in day out and the bunker isnt so lonely anymore, and he and cas do everything together, and dean researches spells to get cas’ memory back. he thinks it has to do with the fact that his grace got ripped out in the process, theres a small nick on his adams apple that he recognizes as the place it must have left, but he coughs himself out of thinking about that neck and those lips and that hair and those thighs and- he hasnt kissed cas since the first day, he longs to. he sees the way this cas looks at him and he wonders. he wonders if maybe...maybe this castiel can learn to love him again. and it’s going on a year now. cas works down at the local flower shop and has an apiary on the hill above the bunker, deans still in his same routine of life, and they’re not...they’re in the same place they were before cas confessed. just, in this middle ground, this unspoken something, so as he lies beneath a car he decides, the happiness isnt in the having its in just being in just saying it, so he goes home that night, picks up flowers from a competing shop bc he doesnt wanna spoil the surprise, and sets up the table. cas’ name is still carved there, cas had laughed when he first saw it because “what kind of long name is that,” and dean was bursting with fond. and anyways he lays down a table cloth and lights a candle and waits. shaking in his skin just waiting for cas to get home, and then cas is walking in saying ‘hello, dean’ and running down the stairs, groceries in paper bags overflowing in his arms, and his hair is disheveled and dean helps grab a bag and puts it in the kitchen and waits for cas to follow and see...the set up. and cas asks, what’s this about? and dean looks at cas and takes a deep breath and says, ‘someone once told me there’s happiness in just....fuck...in just saying it so here goes. and its okay if you..if you dont but...’ and cas is getting closer, his head quirked and deans heart is beating out of his chest and he says ‘i love you.’ and then cas is rumbling, ‘dean, look at me’ and so he does, looks up into wide blue eyes and cas is smiling. smiling so big and beautiful and dean wants to hear it he needs to hear it he needs- ‘i love you too, dean winchester’ and then theyre kissing again, kissing and holding and deans a little embarrassed but hes crying and then theyre skipping dinner entirely and cas has his hand on deans bare shoulder and hes shivering into the touch its so overwhelming and he fucks himself down onto cas’ cock and cas digs his fingernails into deans thighs and looks up at him blue and beautiful and overwhelming and deans pretty sure he blacks out when he comes except, he doesnt, because his eyes are open and the lights in the room are all busted and cas is lying there under him looking up, dean thinks so at least, he can’t really see him and so he laughs and he laughs and he’s not really registering what happened, a beautifully timed power outage like something divine saying this is how you met and he’s here still and you finally have him and so he climbs off of cas and grabs something to wash them up and a candle or two from the table and when he comes back, and wipes the damp cloth gingerly across cas’ body he notices cas tense and he sees in the candlelight cas is looking very serious and he stops being sweet just asks ‘cas? whats wrong’ and cas says, ‘dean? dean. dean winchester... dean...righteous soul the one i fell for and will always fall for the one i love the one i have always...’ and dean dives back on top of cas and kisses him senseless because now cas remembers everything before and he remembers everything after and everything now and its perfect

and honestly they still arent really sure what happened except that maybe the spell needed angel mojo so it snagged it from cas or maybe the empty curled itself around cas mind and all it needed was the Loud of too many emotions to overflood it but all that matters is that they are here together.

and then one day, at the dinner table, cas looks at dean and he says ‘dean, will you....’ and he shuffles inside his pocket and presses a box into deans hand and its- ‘will you marry me?’ and dean is practically leaping over the table to kiss cas and saying “yes yes yes of course of course i wanna grow old with you i wanna be with you always in life and death in everything always together”

and cas is crying because he could have what he wanted, he has the one thing he wants most and dean wants him most too.

and then dean is pulling back and cas is looking pensive and he says, ‘there is one thing, dean.’ and dean looks worried so he places his hand on his knee and he says, ‘i want to be human, all the way human.’ and dean looks like he wants to protest or cry and hes not sure which it is but then dean is crying and saying ‘ill help’ and then the next day theyre out with the bees, because cas thinks his grace will do them good, and dean holds cas’ hand in his tightly and follows that little nick on his throat and opens it ever so slightly with the angel blade and tries not to think about how hes hurting the person he loves and he loves and he loves and then the grace is flowing away and dean captures it in a bottle, hands it to cas, who later pats it down in the ground so they can grow a new tree, and dean gives cas two little stitches on his throat and kisses all around them and washes cas hair for him in the shower and then

when the day comes, they go together, they get to live with one another and watch the sunsets on their front porch with miracle and jack and sam and eileen all looking out over an eternal skyline.

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

Dimmed Lights (Pt.1)

-------------------------

Roman Prince-Duke lives in a world where the markings of your body determine every aspect of your life.

Those with soul marks that glow brightly wherever they go are revered, seated first at restaurants, busses, given the best picks of whatever goods they look for.

Those with unlit soul marks are treated with kindness and reassurance that one day, it will glow.

Those with gray soul marks are rarely asked questions, they are treated with respect, and caution, as everyone knows you should treat someone who's lost a lover.

And then there were those like Roman, who never had a soul mark to begin with. He supposed it could have been worse for him, he hadnt been kicked out at least. No, instead he'd been forced to get a tattoo at age seven, granted, he'd been allowed to pick it out, and he'd gotten two, because he liked the idea of two.

The first was very obviously the head of Medusa, located on his left arm, she was fierce and she could protect him, turning those who tried to ask about her legitimacy to stone with a glare.

The second was a raging storm, located on his chest, powerful and relentless, something that could give Roman strength.

The tattoos made him feel better when he wasnt thinking about them fully. When he saw passing glances of a snake or the hint of a lightning bolt, it was almost like they were real. But he couldnt think about them for to long, or else he would remember that they were merely artistic features, that would never really glow.

"Roman! Wake up! Your brother's wedding is today!" Roman felt numb.

His brother had met his first soulmate, Logan, on an ordinary trip to the store, Logan was short, with messy brown hair, round glasses, and freckles, these freckles, however, were shaped like stars, and glowed just as bright when the two were together. Remus' second soulmate, Patton, also had round glasses and freckles, though his soul mark came in the form of a few octopus tentacles that ran down his arms, and one of which could be seen on his neck. Remus himself had the solar system etched down his spine, as well as a realistically shaped heart above his- well- heart.

"Alright mother!" Roman said, not all to enthusiastically, as he got out of bed. It wasnt that he wasnt happy for Remus, of course he was happy! But talking about weddings or anniversaries or anything like that often made him think even more about the lack of a true soulmate present on his arm or chest.

Lots of people said it was taboo to allow a Soulless into an event so integral to most romantic soulmates, or to any even at all, regardless of relation to those who had planned it. Remus, of course, thought this was a load of crap. The twins parents on the other hand had tried to convince him that this was a bad idea, but Remus, much to Roman's delight and dismay, didnt listen.

At least the dress was pretty, Roman was glad Remus knew his style so well. The dress itself was a gradient of reddish-pink to a sort of creme color, with a brown braided belt around the waist. There wasnt necessarily a full sleeve, more of a strap that went around one shoulder. After he'd managed to get the tan and brown heels on his feet he walked downstairs.

He was immediately hit with the scent of one of his favorite breakfast foods, strawberry pancakes.

"I know today might be a little hard for you so I made you something nice," said his mother, giving him a small kiss on the forehead.

"Thanks mom," Roman said, smiling slightly. It took him ages to even start on his food, he loved strawberry pancakes of course, but with everything that would be happening that day his stomach felt like it was eating itself from the inside out.

The wedding was of course, amazing. Remus looked more put together than he ever had in his life, Patton and Logan's dresses would have made any celebrity burst with rage at how good they looked.

The only thing that kept the scene from being as nice as it could be, was Roman. Roman with his sad eyes. Roman with his clearly fake smile. Roman with the faded tattoos that got him strange looks if someone looked close enough to realize that some spots had, instead of black and white hues that would have been easy to explain, no color at all.

But Roman tried his best not to ruin his brother's big day. He kept a smile on his face and politely deflected any questions he was asked about soulmates, all while biting the inside of his cheek till it bled.

Which lead to the conversation he was currently having with Remus in the bathroom.

"You shouldve told me you were uncomfortable! I swear your face hasnt bled this much since you accidentally ran into that tree when we were kids," Remus was holding tissues up to the spots of Roman's mouth that were currently more red than his hair.

"But it's your wedding! You should be out there having fun! Not in here worrying about your screw up of a brother who cant even deflect a simple question about soulmates," Roman said, still trying not to cry.

"Roman." Remus' tone took a sudden turn, still worried, but now with a hint of sharpness.

"You are not a screw up. It is not your fault that society has placed so much importance on finding a soul mate that a wedding for one romantic and one queerplatonic relationship is held solely for their enjoyment rather than for the partners involved. It is not your fault that people without markings are treated as though they cant have bonds. Do you understand me? This. Is. Not. Your. Fault." Remus had his hands on Roman's shoulders now.

"But I-" Remus stuffed a macaroon in Roman's mouth before he could finish the sentence.

"No buts except yours on the dance floor with me and the boys, and if anyone asks about your markings again tell them I'll punch them in the eyes." Remus said, smiling.

Roman was much happier with the after party once he had something to respond when asked about his status.

But then the wedding ended, and Remus wasnt in the house anymore. Now Roman was all alone with his thoughts, now he had to think about the tattoos and his future and everything else Remus would have talked over. Now the only voice he could hear was his own, screaming at him, waiting for him to drown in its miserable echoes.

----------------------------------------------

Tag list:

@nerosdayinhell

@thecolorfulolive

@teamplutoforlife

@faycanyons

@boobmaster69

@spooky-scary-virgil

@youtuberswithalex

@sleepy-sphinx

@meowthefluffy

@melodiread

@astronomical-bagel

@shitpost-sides

@loveyatothemoonandback

@coconut-cluster

@maryann-draws

@thefivecalls

@pricklyfish777

@moxy--sanders101

[ainti-pretty]

anyway... angsty boys... in the quarantine land era...

tw: questionable eating habits, shitty mental health, (implied) self harm

ships: mentioned lambert/aiden

-so the boys are in quarantine right? geralt has left his room only to use the bathroom and get more pringles, eskels bored as hell, and lamberts spent most of the time sitting on the couch or facetiming aiden

-but you already knew that. in the last edition we went over the highlights of the Morhen household, but now, get ready for projection angst

-geralts been in his room for days (except to use the bathroom and get food, but thats at very late times, so no one sees him), and hes just. straight up not having a good time. he hasnt showered in days, and his room is a disaster. hes just been lying in his room in the dark, and vesemirs worried.

-eskels been worried about geralt, but he hasnt really felt anything but boredom since quarantine started, and hes not entirely sure if he has feelings anymore. hes just detacted from everything and is making more and more impulsive decisions. (making a catapult, purposely getting lambert and geralt into fights), he wants to feel something and vesemir knows this, but everytime he tries to stop eskel, he does something even worse. vesemirs not sure how much longer he cant stop eskel from actually hurting someone.

-lamberts. not doing great. theres a reason he spends most of the time on the couch where vesemir can see him, and its not so hes social. hes angry and explosive and misses aiden, and is always 30 seconds from hitting someone. vesemir knows that raised voices trigger him, but lamberts been pushing it and vesemir has nearly lost his temper multiple times.

-vesemirs patience is hanging on a string. hes worried about all his boys, and hes worried about the pandemic, and hes worried that somethings going to happen while hes not there and its all going to go to shit

-and to shit it all goes.

-one day, vesemirs at the store or smtg, bc. food. and hes managed to convince geralt to leave his room for at least a little while. when he leaves, the boys are on the couch. he hopes it all goes well.

-surprise! it doesnt

-eskel tries to start a conversation with geralt, bc he wants to talk to someone who isnt vesemir or lambert, and it goes something like this:

-”hey geralt, hows jaskier”

-“...”

-”oh. well uh. you should ask vesemir for a new flavor, you must be tired of sour cream and onion.”

- “fuck off.”

-and its just that over and over, and lamberts sitting on the back of the couch with his feet on the pillows, and hes getting annoyed bc he wants to ft aiden, but hes not allowed to be in his room alone for extended periods of time when vesemirs not there, so hes just. sitting there. 

-then, lamberts like. kicking his feet bc. annoying younger sibling vibes. and he accidently knocks a pillow over onto geralt, who looks like he was recently dragged through hell.

- “what the fuck lambert”

- cue lambert saying something bitchy in response. 

- “fuck off lambert.”

-“is that all you can say nowadays? fuck off?”

- “oh shut up lambert, and just go to your room.”  from geralt, who missed the argument between lambert and vesemir about why hes not allowed to go into his room.

- “i cant. vesemir will have my fucking ass if i do.”

- “since when have you cared about what vesemir says? youre being annoying, now go.” 

-the situation just goes downhill from there. none of them have been sleeping, and none of them are in a decent mental state (though they really didnt have that before qurantine)

- it ends with geralt slapping lambert and lambert (obviously) doesnt react well to this, and runs to hide in his room

-geralt immediately regrets it and tries to apologize, and turns to eskel, whos just been sitting there on his phone, completely zoned out, for help

-eskels like wtf. lets call vesemir. of course by the time they get ahold of vesemir, hes literally walking in. vesemir is Not Happy when he hears what happened, and goes straight to lamberts room so he can talk to him

-it doesnt work, but vesemir realizes lamberts talking to someone (he assumes is aiden) and is immediately relieved bc at least lamberts not actively hurting himself, and decides he’ll talk to him later

-but theres also the matter of geralt, who has once again, hid himself in his room.

-vesemir knocks on his door, and when he gets no response, he knocks harder. geralt keeps ignoring him, and vesemir loses his patience and yells at him to come out of his room.

-when geralt doesnt open the door, vesemir gets a wire hanger and picks the lock. 

-geralt doesnt even respond, hes just putting things into a bag

-vesemir tries to talk to him, but when he once again gets no response, he (carefully) puts a hand on geralts shoulder

-geralt doesnt look up at him but he at least stops packing

-vesemir sighs and tries to talk to him again, but he knows geralts not going to listen

-he gives geralt a hug but geralt just. sits there. 

-thats all i have rn tbh, sorry ydnksbiwsd enjoy the cliffhanger <3

[n-ugg]

I didn't expect to get tagged but here we are. As you all will be able to tell in a bit, I am a massive Quackity fan

Thank you for tagging me @skeetlehands!

who is your favourite member on the smp?

Look, I love them all but these have a special place in my heart.

Quackity, Slimecicle (I am fully aware he just joined but I still love him), Schlatt, Tubbo, Eret, AweSamdude, and Ponk.

They're just great in and out of character and just have comforting vibes.

when did you first start watching the smp and what made you get into it?

I gotten in during the Pogtopia era since it took me a while to get access to the streams.

I mainly gotten in with the Sad-ist War animatics along with me trying to catch up on Quackity's VODS. Just someone that I was already familiar with being an easier shift into story and learning others through him

what is your favourite part about watching the smp?

Just watching everyone interact with other and just seeing the plot progress in real time. Its literally just dnd but with extra steps but I enjoy it so much

The improv that they all do is amazing and how everyone have different approaches to their characters makes my writer's side so happy with dissecting everything.

What piece of cursed lore is your favourite

That Wilbur canonically fucked a fish and Philza canonically fucked a Samasung fridge and just seeing the fanbase try to change into something that will at least make a bit more sense.

Im included in this, I basically joined the side that has Sally being a mermaid shapeshifting pirate. Mainly because of pirate Fundy

Who is your favorite duo on the smp

Slimecicle and Ranboo: They're the same person but in different fonts, you can convince me otherwise

Schlatt and Quackity: They managed to be super funny together with all of the jokes and balanced with making a very realistic abusive relationship work. It was always fun seeing them flirt with each other for a joke then get hit with whiplash when canon comes in to remind me that this isnt healthy

Tubbo and Tommy: They're two dumbasses who share the same braincell but then they constantly lose it and Tubbo mainly has custody of it

Wilbur and Schlatt: I just enjoy seeing Schlatt messing with Wilbur and occasionally flirts with him to get Wilbur more pissed off

Who are your comfort streamers

Quackity and Slimecicle are comfort streamers

Eret, Fundy, and AweSamdude are my comfort people (meaning I dont watch them as much but I find comfort in their presence. And the other two are also under this category)

Who is your favorite character

Quackity due to how complex his character is and yet how it looks so simple

Schlatt because is just a villian who knows how to play the game without getting caught

Tubbo, watching him trying to be hopeful with everything destroy around him and he just slowly become used to everything going wrong

AweSamdude because he is just trying his best to be a father figure others and I just got family issues

Who do you think the best actor(s) on the smp

Imma skip over the ones that we all already said and get into the ones that dont get enough praise

Quackity: Just how he managed to make his character seem so basic but in reality its really complex. And just seeing the shift from him being a chaotic force of nature to being a serious character that is trying his best to reach something that has been hanging over his head is just *chefs kiss* and he always delivers amazing lines on the spot.

BadBoyHalo: He is doing great right now, even though he is a bit rusty with starting he still manages to get into character and stay in character the entire time. When slowly easing in, you can tell its a bit forced but once he finds his footing, he knows how to deliver his lines.

AweSamdude: His entire bit where he was getting rescued from the egg fucking hurt. How he sounded weak from the entire thing and tired to where he just wanted to rest was so well. And I know he can act more energetic when he was accidentally dragged into playing a cop during Quackity's and Bad's date

Fundy: You guys need to give him more praise for his acting because he is fucking amazing at it. The little touches to how he voice when speaks is so good along with his body language in game. He knows what he's fucking doing and I love him for that. And when he snapped, it made complete sense if you payed attention to his character

I didnt add Ranboo because he's automatically at the top section due to him being a dnd player. Same goes to Slimecicle even though he hasnt acted yet. I dont make the rules. You play dnd, you know how to act

What are your favorite quotes

I dont have favorite quotes, just dialog heavy scenes.

Before Doomsday, Quackity going to take his horse far away from L'Manberg, it being the one thing he cares about. It was just so good

The entire Schlatt and Quackity argument in front of the white house

The meeting between Schlatt and Quackity with Schlatt yelling out to him in a taunting way to where Tommy and Quackity are trying to figure out what happened to the tnt. I constantly rewatch it to feel the adrinaline pumping to feel something

Wilbur's slow descend into insanity and talking to Tommy. Just showing his paranoia and fears consuming him, him projecting his fears into Tommy as an attempt of manipulation, and his hero complex shift into villian one

Schlatt's winning speech of him projecting it as something that was bound to happen no matter what. The amount of charisma and confidence that was in his voice as I was watching Tommy hiding underground in fear was just a perfect scene

Tommy's argument with Dream when everyone is protecting Tommy. Its the small details of Tommy taunting Dream to kill him, knowing he wont no matter what. Him telling everyone to protect Tubbo and everyone listening without hesitation.

The debate that Quackity and Dream had for like 11 or 14 minutes. All of that was completely unprompted unscripted, it was just so satisfying seeing someone stand up against Dream for the first time and actually beating him. Sure it was in a verble conflict but it still counts as a defeat

Be honest, who do you simp for? (Ayo if anyone says Tommy or Tubbo I will🗡)

Schlatt, Quackity, and Slimecicle

Its pretty obvious, I dont really try to hide it

Whats your favorite stream

Uhhhh I dont exactly have one so none I guess

Whats your least favorite streams

Im sorry, but all of the Jackbox stream. You need a specific group of people to play together in order to actually make it funny and keeping the energy throughout the entire thing.

After a bit later, everyone has a tendency of pandering to the audience and repeat jokes. They managed to beat jokes to the ground faster than Tiktok AND Twitter.

Dont get me started with DreamTeam being in there. They're funny in thier own rights but the shipping jokes get so unfunny so quick and they dont know how bounce off of others well. The only exception to this is when Quackity, Velvet, and Ant were playing with Sapnap and Dream. And thats because they decided to mess with the straight white guys into accidently saying offensive shit and seeing those two suffer with trying tiptoe around was so amusing

Whats something about the smp fandom thay makes you sad

This doesnt get me sad, just frustrated and its mostly towards dsmptok and dsmptwt but sometimes this fandom doesnt fucking know how to analyze characters. Like when everyone jumped on Tubbo on being the bad guy when he was a kid trying to use old tatics that knows that worked before and stand up for himself

How when one person decides to do something that they believe is right, everyone just throws the term villian arc around

When one person does one good thing the suddenly everyone accepts into them being good and not ever looking into it.

For fucks sakes, I saw people keep saying that Quackity was turning into Dream or Wilbur and I just sat there being confused on how they conntected those dots that were in different books.

Its so frustrating to read through. But here on dsmpblr, you guys actually understand character analysis, are able to critique them and able to love whoever you enjoy.

Another thing is how this fanbase really puts everyone on a pedestal or objectify them. Just completely forgetting that they're human and treat the streamer as a character. Like, yeah they're playing up a persona whenever they're making content but theres a difference and you shouldn't hold them up like that.

You cant use the argument of "They're young, they dont know any better", when I first entered my first fandom (I was like 11/12), I fully understood that theres a boundary between me and the creator. What they are on screen is a persona but they're still human and I should treat them as such. Its just something that bugs me and its unnerving to see whenever people start getting wierd about it

Final bit is just how the twitch chat acts. They all force the streamer to follow the 'main' plot of it being Tommy or Techno or whoever the fandom chooses to have a favorite, completely ignoring the fact that they are their own character. No one wants to meta game because where is the fun in that but the fucking chat gets so annoying when the streamer goes against fanfavorite of the week. It drains the fun of it being multiple pov's and different characters.

When Slimecicle was barely starting stream I saw so many people spam "Go with Ranboo" and not let him even get into lore first. I hated that I knew it was coming but it was still so fucking frustrating seeing them try to boss him around. Please just let people live outside of the 'main' plot, not everything revolves around your favorites. Now shut the fuck up and let them play

What about the smp fandom that makes you happy?

The people that create art, animatics, theories, playlist, or write oneshots

All of you creators are great and deserve so much more respect then what the fandom gives you because jesus fucking christ they're all so fucking rude. You guys are the ones that are carrying this fandom on your backs and I fucking respect yall for that

________________

Time for da spead: @nixavia @dambette404 and @mocha-is-lost yall dont need to join.....unless😳😳😳

[kreweleaderbuuru]

Part 3 baybeeee i realised that the babies I use more often these days werent included. Annoying elaboration that doesnt matter under the cut

Sex

Self explainitory

Gender:

Self explanatory 

Build:

Singrid: The most in-shape member of her family. She’s very enthusiastic about honing her skills with her hammer, carving canoes with her bare hands, and punching sharks in the face.

Grunt: The grunt has been working on building muscle, but her years of starvation and abuse have left her permanently stunted. 

Algor: Despite being absolutely fuckall massive, he’s not too interested in honing his physique. He’s got some scholarly chub on the way. 

Poom: Actually more muscular than you’d give him credit for- though still malnourished and spindly. His baggy clothes are in part to hide a very embarrassing hourglass figure. 

Height:

Singrid: Just a few inches shorter than her brother, much to her dismay

Grunt: Shorty due to malnutrition

Algor: Fuckall massive

Poom: Comes from a pretty tall family, but just so happens to me the shortest member of that family. He thinks he’s shorter than he actually is. 

Handiness:

Self explanatory

Intelligence, Scholarly:

Singrid: While Singrid was offered the same education as her brother, she struggled with even the most basic concepts. At a certain point she decided her job was just to carry heavy equipment. Living proof of nature vs. nurture. 

Grunt: Scouted by inquest recruiters as a child. The Grunt was subjected to the standard foot soldiers ‘education’ within the Inquest. It wasn’t all that great, but it wasn’t like she could leave. 

Algor: Personally tutored by his adopted asuran father- surpassing the potential of even some asuran peers in Rata Sum. Living proof of nurture vs. nature. 

Poom: Got along okay in school, enough to Graduate Dynamics with above average grades. His true passions lie in paranormal investigation, which isnt as revered in Rata Sum. People just assume he’s crazy. 

Wisdom:

Singrid: Would look a grenade launcher down the barrel as she’s trying to figure out how to fire it. 

Grunt: What the Grunt lacks in formal education, she makes up for in sheer experience. She’s worked on just about every Inquest base the Megakrewe allows such a low-ranking agent, and tangled with more bizarre magical creatures than most norn hunters will in their lifetime. 

Algor: Algor began making supply runs in greater Tyria when he was sixteen, allowing him to come into his own as a traveller and genius. 

Poom: Easily distracted and has a nasty habit of sharing his conspiracy theories to the members of the organisations he suspects. Common sense is not amongst his strengths. 

Education:

Singrid: Technically a ‘drop out’, seeing as her father gave up on teaching her alongside her brother. However, the special attention Ruffik can give Singrid while Algor is away has convinced her to give his lessons another go.  

Grunt: Didn’t so much as ‘graduate’ as she was drafted to punishment detail. Her propensity for disaster and mayhem did not make her school days enjoyable. 

Algor: Greatly exceeded his father’s expectations. 

Poom: A decent student, but easily distracted by his true passions. 

Social Ability:

Singrid: Dreamed all her life of leaving the Far Marina Base to party all through Tyria, only to suffer from extreme social anxiety. She’s since found happiness on the peaceful ice caps, content with her few friends and family. 

Grunt: Pretty amicable, if you can get over the whining and increased likelihood of the bar burning down. 

Algor: Still relatively uncomfortable in his own skin, but growing out of it. 

Poom: A highly contagious affliction and subsequent quarantine has given an already antisocial oddball agoraphobia. Poom has slowly been taking steps to be more comfortable with people, and can at the very least venture outside without a panic attack. 

Perceptiveness:

Singrid: Sensitive, painfully sensitive, so sensitive she becomes overwhelmed in large gatherings. Is one of the few people who can really understand Ruffik’s emotions at any given time and could be mistaken for a mind reader when it comes to people she’s close to. 

Grunt: Despite her attempt at an aloof bounty huntress persona, the Grunt is mostly in wilful denial. She knows whats going on, why it’s going on, and how things will probably end. She’s very bad at pretending not to care. 

Algor: His time outside the Far Marina Base has taken him from clueless hermit to what is average teenage boy. He still doesnt understand girls, though. 

Poom: Absolute dogshit at reading social signals, to the point of being near debilitating. His friends have to intervene to keep him from being beaten up half the time. 

Readability:

Singrid: There are two Singrids: The one who is comfortable and knows the people in the room, and the Singrid who is in public and trying to keep from crying. You wouldnt expect the firey young norn from the FMB to wilt so easily in a crowd, and you’d be wrong. 

Grunt: Any attempts to hide her emotions are humorously in vain. Its lucky her partner, krewemate, and totally-not-boyfriend is painfully dense. 

Algor: Can put up a pretty convincing stoic front. It’s when he opens his mouth the youthful bravado comes spilling out. 

Poom: His high anxiety and odd mannerisms make him an open book. An open book in a language you cant read, but nonetheless open. 

Introvert/Extrovert:

Self explanatory

Sexuality:

Singrid: Straight

Grunt: Straight

Algor: Bisexual 

Poom: Pansexual with a male preference

Romanticism: 

Singrid: Straight, Monogamous 

Grunt: Straight, Monogamous

Algor: Biromantic, Open to Polyamory

Poom: Panromantic with a male preference, Monogamous

Romantic:

Singrid: Has a massive crush on her childhood friend, but he’s painfully oblivious. 

Grunt: Hopelessly in love with her partner, friend, and krewemate, Anakk. Even though they live together, work together, provide each other with emotional support, and sleep together exclusively, they insist they are not in a relationship.

Algor: Would do anything for a partner to share his intellect, but is still too insecure to ask anyone out. There’s also the size factor- none of the other apprentices so much as reach his knee. That ‘tragedy’ is a bit romantic in its own right- according to him. 

Poom: Is oblivious to romance, and hasnt had the best track record. His last relationship ended in nothing short of catastrophe, he’s still too ashamed to face his ex to stay long in Rata Sum. This has kept him rather guarded when it comes to relationships. 

Affection:

Singrid: Very touchy. Will shamelessly pick up and snuggle anyone she cares about. 

Grunt: Has a pointed distaste for ‘mushy stuff’ and goes out of her way to avoid any intimacy that could be construed as romantic. 

Algor: Mostly only hugs his sister. Was more cuddly as a kid, but since the growth spurt he worries about accidentally crushing people. 

Poom: Has gone three years without touch due to his affliction. Avoids touch like the plague so as not to become overwhelmed. 

Disposition, Outwardly:

Singrid: Whether she’s in full swing or shyly hugging the wall, Singrid comes across as a friendly, if not rough around the edges- young norn. 

Grunt: Affable and friendly until things go wrong. They’re usually going wrong. 

Algor: Knows how to be polite in public. Snarks on occasion. 

Poom: Absolute bastard of a man. You know this. Why even ask. 

Disposition, Inwardly:

Singrid: Pretty neutral on people as a whole. Gets irritated easily, and doesnt have any kind words for people who make her uncomfortable. 

Grunt: Is far more effected by her past than she lets on. The grunt is generally distrustful to strangers and spiteful to those who hurt her- even a little. 

Algor: Has a healthy dollop of teen angst. 

Poom: One of the more kindly people you’ll meet, once you get past his eccentricities. Genuinely doesnt want to upset anyone, and is a die hard pacifist. 

Petty:

Singrid, Grunt, Algor: All petty little drama queens. 

Poom: Will put up with a lot of bullshit, so long as you dont press one of his triggers. Can only really muster the energy to hate one thing at a time. Usually tries to solve ‘misunderstandings’ when they come up. 

Sanity:

Singrid: Crippling social anxiety 

Grunt: PTSD

Algor: He’s fine, honestly. 

Poom: Autism, PTSD, Depression, Social Anxiety, Agoraphobia, probably more. 

Freindliness:

Singrid: She knows who she likes, and isnt particularly eager to make new friends. 

Grunt: Finds it relatively easy to get along with people, especially if theres alcohol involved. She has a strange habit for attracting the affections of much larger and more powerful beings. Anakk, her skyscale Mr. Bastard, and the hulking inquest abomination Brukk, to name a few. 

Algor: Able to chat up strangers so long as he’s not feeling too self-important. He’s growing out of that bit, though. 

Poom: Absolutely desperate for validation. Can and will join a cult if he’s not claimed. 

Stoicism:

Singrid: Will break pretty easily either from her anxiety or by getting too excited about a cool rock. 

Grunt: Attempts are made at stoicism. They are laughable. 

Algor: Is prone to teen melodrama. He’s growing out of it, though. 

Poom: Will go home and cry for stepping on a bug.

Grace:

Singrid: Her training in the harsh Far Marina conditions have made her an adept warrior. 

Grunt: Prone to disaster.

Algor: Is actually quite a talented dancer when no one’s watching. One of the ways he tries to stay in shape between studies. 

Poom: If he’s not knocking something over, he’s putting his foot in his mouth. 

Stubbornness:

Self explanatory

Bravery:

Singrid: Despite her issues with crowds, she’s run after icebrood twice her size with nothing but a dagger. Has wanted to cultivate an epic legend ever since she was a kid. 

Grunt: Complete snivelling coward.

Algor: Will run from conflict as easily as he runs from a spider. 

Poom: An almost destructive lack of self-preservation. 

Loyalty:

Singrid: The few companions she has, she aims to keep. 

Grunt: Wont die for the ship, but will save her favourite pirate. 

Algor: Still has somewhat naive opinions on teamwork in a krewe. It’s almost a good thing he’ll likely never be in one. 

Poom: Not a lot of people understand him, those that try are greatly appreciated. Even people who dont try, he’ll gladly meet half way. Even if you dont even like him at all he’s got your back. Even if you’ve just spit in his mouth he’ll-

Lawfulness:

Singrid: Does what she wants. If that means breaking some heads, she’ll do it. If it means drinking tea and brushing up on her knitting, thats her glitching right!

Grunt: Rules are for people who don’t regularly get hit by lightning. 

Algor: Painfully naive. 

Poom: The rules suck, but he gets in trouble enough as it is without provoking others. 

Attitude:

They’re all edgy assholes lol

[zackfiar-a]

hello class! today we’re going to learn about growth and the process of healing via zack fair

when zack entered SOLDIER he had bright eyes of optimism whilst having one goal and a dream in mind: to become SOLDIER 1st class and to become a hero just like sephiroth. however the longer he stayed in SOLDIER, the more he realized that hey ..... something isnt Right here. one of those that you cant have emotions attached to missions or the ppl that ur fighting against, that its just a reliability. thats not something he agreed with because he purely focuses with his emotions, whether it could be his downfall or not. he feels immensely, whether its anger towards himself or sympathy; something so trivial as emotions will jeopardize the mission (ie a mission to go search for angeal). 

and unfortunately, being as young and impressionable as he was, it was very easy for him to be manipulated by his higher ups (because of his intense enthusiasm and wanting to please his superiors) and not be able to form opinions of his own, lest they get tested and make himself doubt his loyalty to shinra. which is why he had no problem with going to wutai and trying to overtake fort tamblin, he was told wutai is the enemy of shinra. they’re the bad guys, without ever being told the reason why. like why did shinra name wutai as their enemy? why are they going at war with them?

his perception was warped by the toxic ideals and goals that shinra and SOLDIER had, even though his guy he knew it was wrong and that he should question those of higher power than him. 

it also took too long to realize that shinra, at the face, is a company and state helps the people and protect midgar from terrorists and others that dare face against shinra. that underneath, they were making monsters with an ancient alien that landed on earth years and years ago. he doesnt know why; doesnt know anything about the ‘promised land’ theyre searching for. he doesnt know anything about their goals of creating beings from jenova, g, and s - cells. the fact of the matter is, theyre stealing away innocent people just so shinra can experiment on them (and they all worked for shinra ie SOLDIER 3rd and 2nd class when genesis took them with him; probably others than he cant imagine).

being hit with the information that genesis is degrading from the g - cells and angeal being born from the result of experimentation from gillian, the clouds started to fade away from his eyes and hes actually surprised that the ppl that know this are okay with it. like it was common knowledge, which it wasnt! he didnt know anything about this! the fact that angeal knew about this and didnt tell him, he felt hurt and betrayed. he was blindly following in his footsteps of embracing your SOLDIER honor and your dreams, that the fact he was proud and happy that he was working for shinra! meanwhile they had secret labs scattered about banora, modeoheim, and nibelheim that these experiments were going on!

at this point, zacks faith in shinra is fading and his dream is being pushed to the back burner even when he does eventually become a 1st class. no thanks! you can keep it. not like he had a chance but accept it. when hes forced to kill angeal, theres a mix of emotions: intense sadness because he looked up to angeal and admired him greatly, with his skills and such inspiring ideals; and even tho he can handle himself without angeal, he felt like he was the last pillar in SOLDIER that he had. he also felt relieved and hurt, zack doesnt forget him keeping all this information of human experimentation a secret while zack was looking with a naive lense to wanting to protect the people. relieved in the sense that angeal was probably hurting and was rapidly degrading if the grey hair and pale skin at his death was any indication.

being inherited the buster sword wasnt something he took proudly, it was a heavier weight on his shoulders the point where was sagging. he felt the least he could do was become those that ppl looked up to as well. even tho he carries a piece of angeal, he just couldnt accept what he had tried to push onto him. SOLDIER honor, there wasn’t a thing that existed at this point. trying to convince himself that SOLDIER doesnt mean monster, he couldnt kid himself that it meant monster. 

during this time, he goes to the church and accept consoling from aerith. altho he doesnt talk about what happens, or what hes experiencing / feeling which eventually becomes his downfall. as a way to make himself feel better, he visits the church, immediately feeling calmed, but however with so much weighing on his mind, promising aerith to build the wagon for her flowers becomes half-hearted. he thinks this is enough to try and hes the burden he was inherited, to push away the trauma of having to kill his mentor and watching him die, and fighting monsters, that were at some point, people---  even to the point of no longer wanting to be a part of SOLDIER. ofc this doesnt work and isnt a viable way to cope with his experiences. 

being last straw is when he fights sephiroth when he burns down nibelheim. that was someone he looked up to and trusted, he joined SOLDIER wanting to be like him. except now hes dragged cloud and tifa into this whole mess, and he feels incredibly responsible for not intervening sooner. he shouldve seen the signs that it wasnt going to end well, but he gave him the benefit of the doubt, hoping that he wouldnt be like genesis and angeal (which he was wrong). witnessing that sephiroth was kept these very important and crucial details, made him realize it doesnt matter how important or popular you are in shinras eyes; if theres any hint that someone could retaliate, they will keep it a secret until its convenient for them. this severed anything else positive he felt for shinra.

he doesnt even realize he was put in a pod for 4 years (only assuming its been a couple of weeks at most), still imaging that hes 18 when he now has to physically free himself from shinras grasp. even while hes asleep, the nightmares and visions of angeal wouldnt waver. even though he could choose to leave cloud alone in the pod with severe mako poisoning, he didnt want to. cloud was his friend, and he felt solely responsible for him to be pulled within the crossfire. cloud wanted to join SOLDIER, well this was the reality. he couldnt even fight for himself or eat; but he was alive and that was good enough for zack. zack has this pushed guilt onto his conscious, so he makes sure to bring cloud with him everywhere he went, even casually talking to him like he can actually respond back. 

he doesnt even realize the reality that he wasnt a respected member of SOLDIER, by the words of hojo, they were both fugitives and even though zack was still asleep in that pod, he was so tired; emotionally, physically, and mentally. this whole thing, he had to see through, if not for himself, then for cloud. at least get him to midgar and try to continue living a separate part shinras greedy hands. there were certain times while trying to avoid shinra and hide, that he could just end himself several times, but clouds existence was a constant reminder that they both managed to live, besides he owed cloud so much, so ridding himself off wouldnt do them nearly enough good. 

so seeing genesis again got him angry, that he couldnt even blame him for the reason this was happening. whether genesis wanted to capture hollander to help further shinra in experimentation, it wasnt going to stop what was going on underneath the surface. seeing lazard with angeals face really made him weak at the knees, physically made him sick, and feeling temporarily relieved (which he doesnt forget of the fact that angeal is dead, that this isnt actually him but lazard who absorbed his cells).

and finally beating genesis, he still felt angry with only a small semblance of sympathy. even with his soft heart, he couldnt help but feel bad for him, going thru such great lengths just because he was a failure of an experiment and wanted to live longer than what he got. this wasnt genesis’ fault, it was shinras and that just made him more frustrated. 

and while hes with cloud, riding to midgar, he once again tries to push the anger, hurt, and frustration at the back of his mind to tell cloud silly stories while he was still in SOLDIER, and what he thought about cloud upon meeting him for the first time, and that feelings of doubts that hes sorry that cloud has to travel with a monster. with coming across the shinra army, he realized this was a final stand, being physically exhausted (even w the mutated s and mako infused cells, he doesnt feel nearly as strong as he did before). even though he no longer holds up the honor of SOLDIER, he needs to protect cloud and his own honor that hes built as a person, and nothing else.

when he succeeded by the skin of his teeth, he wonders why hes still alive, why hes still breathing, even though its hard. he lost sight in one eye, but he doesnt even realize how, everything happened so fast. was he shot? was he stabbed? who knows, but taking cloud to midgar while hes sitting on deaths edge himself, he will take cloud back even if it kills him. there are people there waiting for him, unlike zack--- no one is waiting for him to come back, the people that hes looked up to has died, or see him as a traitor. perhaps, you could count his parents, but hes so ashamed to see them face to face. he feels like if he did, he would break down. his cell phone has long ago stopped working, so who knows if anyone has sent him anything during the time of his slumber. he doesnt even know that kunsel is waiting for him to come back.

during this whole time, hes held in his feelings and emotions, shouldering all this himself. he hasnt talked to anyone previously about his trauma, the nightmares that prevent him from sleeping, or his doubt. being in the sector 7 slums and being taken care of, he puts on a false face that everything is okay, but it cracks when he hit his brink. crying and screaming, yelling how none of this is fair and how he shouldve been dead. he doesnt why hes alive but hes so tired. he was fully planning to die when he faced shinras army, not even thinking how to why, if there even is a reason. even though tifa and marle kindly provided him a room to rest in, theres a momentary frenzy where there are several deeply punched in walls, even unleashing his sword in blinded frustration. 

hes never been taught that it was okay to share your feelings, and being swallowed by the toxicity of SOLDIER, he felt as if it was weak to ask for help. hes encouraged and is told several times, while being in the slums, that its okay. theres always an ear to be lend to if one needs to talk about their woes, or something that deeply troubles them. not to mention, he has a hard time accepting that so much time as passed, that so much as changed and almost so many people forgot about him. hes lost so much of his younger years by SOLDIER, the lost of mental growth by being in a god damn mako infused pod. he needs to catch up, now finding home in the sector 7 slums (altho apologizing and insisting that he fix up the room that he ruined. it gives him something to do and he fees bad for destroying that was so graciously offered from kindness).

he spends his time around avalanche and tifa, not only trying to help up from the wounds he endured, but trying to move on. find easier methods to cope and deal with the stress in healthy ways thats not dangerous self destruction to himself and those around him. hes slowly coming to the conclusion that hes not a monster that hes so insisted on, but a victim and pawn of SOLDIER and shinra. hes angry at shinra. hes upset, frustrated, aggravated, among other emotions towards the former company hes worked for.

and even though this healing process is still slow, hes becoming much more happier than has been before. he finds home in the slums, and those people that has so welcomed him, even though untrusting because of his previous affiliation with SOLDIER. he loves the people, quickly befriending the entire sector 7 slums. 

hes come a long way since coming back to midgar, from self loathing and a weak, nearly broken spirit to his back optimistic, naturally smiling self that people love to be around. he has given shinra a lot, but he wont let them take away a person he was so proudly being before he entered SOLDIER, albeit still immature with mentality that hes still 18.

[sikereviewdotcom]

strawberry shortcake s2 ep1 - horse of a different color

this one was suggested by someone who couldnt keep their mouth shut and not sing the strawberry shortcake intro theme in the middle of our economy class

no one wanted to hear that, but they  went ahead and then i actually followed up on that train of thoughts i remembered about the fucking cartoons and i knew it pronto: its a must-see shit its like slightly above the level of magical school bus series, but the final rating is for the fin not the beginning so lets begin this horseshit:

were reviewing “horse of a different color”, it focuses indeed on strawberrys horse, honey pie pony (its her entire damn name, how sweet right? like all of them, i got diabete from this review but its the cost of maintaining this blog anyway, the kids are playing together on a that tree having fun jumping around like chimpanzees hooba hooba but sadly our filly quickly realizes she cant play king kong with them and keep falling on her ass,

yet since theyre all retarded or young (id say its a fifty-fifty case for them kinda normal ig, i mean they ARE literal 6yo) they try several ways of getting her up on that tree, not thinking how to get her down if they ever were to succeed (good for them: aint happening) its child labor too btw, from an horse still same deal what if honey pie fell down on them? crushing them corpses with her mighty pounds? the findus company would be delighted to hear such news, im sure its some quality (sweet ass) horse meat

once it all fails she understands a horse isnt meant to climb a tree, too big too fat its four legged, not even entertaining the relationship giraffes have with trees

but it aint over, then (after a talk with herself) hp hears the laughters of a bunch of kids which catches her attention, it always does who can ignore that sorta noise? although she aint annoyed by it shes just into the idea of riding a bike now, shes even gonna get a go at it oh yea thats it we finally found her human hobby gogdamn shes a backward furry

of course it fails aswell since she has no hand for the handle and shes heavy so i guess its the reason why she rides into w/e and cant stop? because otherwise she couldve also just.. actually it makes no sense does it? i mean she couldve easily stopped the ride actually how is that kid bike even holding her? ive never tried putting a pony on a bike for 6 y/o but i doubt about its capacity in not being crushed aswell as i doubt in the kids bones not being severely damaged after a visit under honey pies horsy buttcheeks

but all of that really makes her sad: she cant play with her human friends and shes the only horse around strawberry land or whatever see me tearing it for her, theres so much emotions in this episode especially after that filly trynna get kids to get into some horseplay horseshit like dude theyre only 6, lets go easy on them, might have a problem with the parents of the kids watching this episode no one even thought how fucked up this one part is? sure horseplay isnt only sexual or w/e but it still is the visual of 6yos on all four jumping around and neighing together with their ass a little bit too exposed wow im going on a dangerous road here? aint i? not gonna sue the writers im sure it was their subconscious speaking probably got issues from their childhood, eventually got them sorted out since 2004 what do i know? aside from me not caring

back on track : after seeing horsey being so sad the kiddos decide to get her a horse friend but where the fuck? they got no idea, they are proud nonetheless and go tell honey the good new until they are like “wait but we have no idea where to find horses!” ofc we get a big reveal, some serious strawberry shortcake lore: actually all the horses, ALL OF THEM FROM THE ENTIRE FUCKING PLANET are on one (1) single island: ice cream themed to diversify it all they are just chilling over there in ponyland and for some reason this one here got lost or idk guys she took the boat and checked the rest of the world out as an even younger filly, found strawberry and her friends and decided now she was a centaur  slash humanrry furry human, idk you get it but shes their friend and so on to introduce the concept of an AWESOME island full of equestrian activity and ofc ice cream but its kinda lame because who cares? everythings already made out of food, also why isnt the ice cream melting? its one water? nevermind for the introduction as i was saying, hp sings an horrendous sounding song it deteriorated my ear drums they got pierced or something  or maybe im exagerrating? either case horses cant sing:

so to the ice cream land they go, huh

of course it wouldnt be a big adventure without an almost broken bridge oh no whatever shall we do? could we possibly cross it safely? lets try it out  guys: yay it worked good for us little stress and suspense it was wack how they got honey pie out of the hole her big ass hoove made im mesmerized by the power of friendship and sugar at this point, just in full awe for the rest of the episode probably over dosed on all the ice cream flavoured horseshit, i got some all over my mouth its dripping on my desk i gotta clean that later

next thing we know: horses its all this episode is about (aside from labor) but you see, so far hp would switch between normal human language and neighing well turns out her other fellow equines can only neigh and so they just neigh together while our english well-spoken mammal translates to the moronic kids who just smile smuggly

of course the animals are having a welcome party then, dancing around while the morons are just bored, harsh one being a cartoon character isnt it guys? w/e theyre gonna ask for honey pie to come back home now, convinced that her natural habit isnt her place and she loves them too much to just leave them and never come back and break any plans they ever had together- oh shit looks like shes leaving forever huh? what a plot twist mark that on the bitch quota for today

the first one to leave is the little boy btw, important thing to note: hes the biggest pussy he cant even face reality: oh no, no more pony back time before sleep thats quite a bummer, downer and man how are they going to survive now they got no animal to watch over them? jesus theyre soon, on the boat (idk where they got it from idk why suddenly theyre on a boat because then theyre once again gonna cross that bridge but ok) anyway yea theyre having a relationship crisis during that ship trip yada yada ah and the bridge, because (see i do not call them morons for now reasons obviously they deserve this title not only because theyre 6 but also because they are just daft:) they proceed, once in the middle of the bridge all 4 of them, to stop and wonder

“will the bridge be able to hold all of us? wont it break? damn i wonder if it will crack” and they talks without moving until vlam: a tree comes and breaks it (dont ask) so now theyre in trouble:

back to ponyland: bitch pie realizes how much she misses her actual friends and that she can speak english which her other horse friends cant do so she is special and probably abnormal, shes a big outcat of the pony society and has no other reason but to escape her incoming death sentence for fraternizing with the humans of course none of the second part is true, she just wants to see the kids again so she says asta la vista baby to the neigher team and runs away see, she hasnt taken the boat and yet also arrive to the bridge? why a boat sequence then? i will skip this for now but it WILL play in the rating, imagine im the parent of the youngster watching this crap and i have to endure it

if it sucks this bad and is this illogical i might just get bored and change the channel, idc my progeny aint gonna be watching this in either case, ill make them watch political debates then interrogate them on what they learned after what but it wasnt actual political debates just random furry youtuber venting with their fursona sprites animated and thats how you make your kids retarded, the kick of this joke is that i aint planning on getting any kids but totally gonna make them watch classics too such as the attack of the killer donuts as soon as they reach 6 so they wont be dumb and probably not getting diabete or w/e in their adulthood

then honey pie saves the kids btw all of them, heavy shit

and they all go back to strawberryland, happily after a big “wow i missed you sm, you are my real friends w/e if you dont look like me i aint speciest guys really!” theyre all vegan too btw so this works for them i havent watched enough strawberry shortcake episodes to know if they ever eat meat but i have doubts seeing how theyre into a very cannibalistic diet which include eating dessert when obviously thats what they are at least half part, this cartoon raises a lot of political questions it may have a deeper value than i first attributed to it

the end: another terrible song plays about horseshit and how tasty it is

thats all folks

so the rating: big 6/10, so you know 5/10 if its a decent kid show where im highly eager to click on the x and get back making jams but nah

surprisingly enough, i only wanted to stop watching half of the episode and not the entirity of it so credits for thats since im an adult and not a kid, imagining kids enjoyed this sweet childish cartooness or w/e now why +1? its because of how many political questions it raised, how it made me think about our society and cakes yknow its more than kids having a conflict with an horse it talks about veganism, specism, handicap, cannibalism, the management of the limited ressources were exploiting and so on yea really makes you think, its subliminal messages to make kids smarter: they watch their dessert-imbecile counterparts doing bs and then get it right irl: good  ah- it also makes it better for you when youre watching this with your kid, you suddenly transcend to another level of spirituality, existential crisis activated or at least reasoning mode or w/e youre willing to name this the point is you arent bored still despite all of this i rated it quite low for such a serious kid cartoon what couldve possibly made me tic? 1) kids are morons and cant understand all of this, not clear enough for the targeted public 2) projection onto the characters/dialogues from the writers of their childhood traumas (the horse play event didnt go unnoticed, karren brown) 3) my little pony ripoff 4) its controversial, our society, especially in 2004 couldnt understand the depth of this shit and finally 5) i got so much ice cream flavoured horseshit all over my desk god help me this is so filthy what a fucking mess i would totally recommand it to anyone who feels like being blown away by the statements made in this work of art 6/10 but really we all know in the future, itll be a 9/10, some ahead-of-its-time-crap

tg, out

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

Runaway Princess, Part 2 of 2

Continued from Part 1

Kara announces herself to the first guardpost she comes across. Watching the young soldiers trip over themselves would almost be comical, if not for the heavy weight pressing against her chest.

She shouldn't have left. Not without saying goodbye. Not with their last words being spoken in anger. But she knows that had she waited, she would have stayed.

The Kingsguard arrives in less than a week to escort her back to the capital and her family, but that’s still six days of waiting, alone with her thoughts, sequestered from the young contingent of guards manning the post.

Six days with nothing to do but replay her last words to Lena, colder and more biting with every loop. Six days of stewing in her regrets and sudden doubts. Six days to convince herself that she presumes too much, to think the fate of an entire kingdom hinges on her presence.

Nobles die frequently, even young ones, and the world still continues without them. She could stay gone, stay with Lena, and remain one of the lost.

But her memories of Thorul remain fresh in her mind, and she can't bring herself to leave again.

When the Kingsguard arrives, Kara surrenders Exeter to the Captain.

"I borrowed this horse off a traveler," she informs him. "Their camp is three days north of here, in a copse of elm trees. Please assign your most trusted man to return him."

The Captain nods. "It will be done, my lady."

While Exeter returns north, Kara travels south with her guard. They travel quickly, and though she catches the impressed whispers of those surprised by her ability to keep up, Kara doesn’t have it in her to gloat. A nervous ball of anxiety roils and swells in her gut the closer they get, and her thoughts remain divided between the fight she'd left behind, and the fight yet to come.

But when she is hurried through the palace gate, Kara doesn't find irate rulers waiting for her, but her mother and father, tearful and overjoyed to see her. Their relief soothes her anxiety, and reaffirms her decision. She’s made the right choice.

Hasn’t she?

Kara later learns that Mon-el has married another in her absence: a Saturnian princess with riches to spare and the patience-- and iron will-- of a saint. With the impetus gone, her parents seem content to allow her to slip back into her role and govern unmarried. Slowly, she takes on more and more responsibility and neither has any complaints as to her performance.

Nor do they protest when Kara sends a missive to Thorul, offering aid and supplies on the condition they cease their war with Mars. The response, when it comes, is a vague yet diplomatic decline.

And through it all, Kara misses Lena.

Her mother seems content to pretend the ordeal never happened, but her father finds Kara late one evening, and asks what she’d experienced on her travels.

Kara's heart twists at the echo of her last words to Lena, and her last glimpse of Lena's face, stricken with hurt.

"Kara?" Zor el asks, hand warm as he reaches for Kara’s hand.

Kara meets her father’s gaze, but pulls away from the comfort he offers. The smile she offers is empty.

"I learned the meaning of kindness."

The Captain's trusted knight returns to the capital with Exeter still in hand. The camp had been deserted, he reports, and despite his best attempts to find a trail to follow, there were none. The traveler was long gone.

The news is the final nail in the coffin encasing her heart. It doesn’t stop the hurt, but makes it permanent, a constant ache she carries with her every moment of every day. It becomes a part of her, and puts to rest the hope of ever seeing Lena again.

When her parents finally broach the subject of marriage again, more than a year after her return, Kara agrees.

Fearful of a repeat escape, her parents insist she choose her own match. They issue the call for suitable matches, but deliver the responses to Kara for review and selection. Kara can hardly bring herself to care. Marrying for love matters little-- she'll never love another the way she loved Lena, and loves still.

But even with the good of her people outweighing the longing in her heart, how can she choose? A Martian match would bring honor and knowledge, but not much else after the long and ongoing war with Thorul.

Or Starhaven for their commerce?

Even Thorul with its vast lands promised resources if their war ever ended.

Kara sits in a sea of paper when her father finally finds her. He clears a seat, and starts leafing through the responses.

"Surely you can find someone suitable from all this."

"They are all suitable." Kara sits back in her seat, defeated. "I am awash in suitability."

Her father pauses, glancing at her in surprise. Before her months away, she’d never been one for melancholy. Now she's steeped with it, and she well knows it.

Still, she doesn't apologize.

"Kara," her father says finally, "you should know that while my marriage to your mother was arranged by our families, we are very much in love."

Kara shrugs. "I'm not concerned with love, Father."

"Then what is your concern?"

"Krypton. All of these suitors would prove a valuable alliance, in their own way. But how can I know which way will be the best for Krypton?"

Her father hums, regarding her carefully. "Do you remember the tale of Thara Ak-Var?”

Kara nods. “She defeated Gann Arkar following his attempted coup, and reclaimed her family’s crown.”

“She also faced a similar crisis, when her counsel called for her to take a husband. She’d hoped to thwart their will by setting her suitors to three impossible tasks. To her dismay, one suitor surpassed every challenge.”

“You mean… the Trials of Nightwing and Flamebird?” Kara scoffs. “You can’t be serious. They haven’t been held in thousands of years!”

“There are some that would prefer a return to tradition. I’ve tasked the royal historians with finding ways to integrate old traditions with our newer ways. The Trials were among them, once the arrangement with Daxam fell through.”

He says it without accusation, as casually as if he discussed nothing but the weather. Kara considers his proposal. “What if no single suitor wins all three tasks?”

Zor el laughs, his mirth warm and contagious enough to pull a tiny smile to Kara’s lips. clasps her hand.

"Then at the very least, my daughter, you will have narrowed the fish in the sea to three."

The historians propose the Trials as three challenges:

The Hunt - All suitors will have the same twenty-four hours to present their hopeful intended with the game of their choice. It symbolizes the perpetual chase of Nightwing after Flamebird, but with a happier ending. The hunters may use any tools but only that which they can carry on their person.

The Pledge - The original Nightwing had been tasked by Rao to perpetually create. Flamebird had been tasked to destroy her creations. To honor Nightwing’s toils, the suitors each pledge a construction to Krypton. It can be of any origin, for any purpose, but must be built on Kryptonian soil, to benefit the Kryptonian crown.

The Duel - Once a fight to the death, the rules have been modified. Only blunted weapons may be used, and the suitors will face off in a tourney, weapon type to be decided by lots, until a single suitor is left standing, and named champion.

Upon completion of the three challenges, Kara-- the intended-- will weigh the value of each gift, and in consideration of their conduct and standing in the tasks, choose her betrothed.

With this in mind, Kara narrows her pool of suitors to six: Mars, Durla, Starhaven, Colu, Terra, and Thorul. As she issues her invitations, Lena's features linger in her mind.

This is for the best, she tells herself. The Trials will honor Krypton's history, and will give her criteria from which to choose.

"This is for the best," Kara says again, as if repeating it will make it any less false.

Preparations take nearly a year, but on the eve of the first challenge, Kara finds her stomach in knots. She receives each of her suitors graciously along with their delegation. Though she has some idea of whom each kingdom has sent to compete for her hand, their faces remain covered per Kryptonian custom. They will compete anonymously, identified only by the royal crests emblazoned on their tunics and armor. They compete for their nation, not themselves.

Kara wonders only for Thorul. She's surprised they accepted in the first place, considering their exchange following her return and the fact there’d been no rumor of the king being in want of a wife. But Thorul presents itself before her with crisp heraldry and a deep bow from the suitor.

Huh. She'd heard the king was taller.

They spend the night feasting, and at dawn the following morning the procession of suitors makes its way to the edge of the forest-- the same forest she'd fled to, with...

No, Kara, she scolds herself. Enough.

At the edge of the wood, the hunters are reminded of the terms for their task: only what tools they carry with them, and in the time between one noon and to the next, they are to return with what game they believe worthy of their intended.

When the horn sounds, all five suitors sprint for the woods.

Their delegations remain, and Kara flits among all of them alongside her parents, doing her best to make new friends and establish a foundation for future alliances regardless of the trials’ outcome.

Starhaven is the first to return, at dawn the following morning, hauling six strings of rabbits. Quantity over quality, Kara notes, seeing a few too small and too young to be considered good game.

Kara thanks them regardless.

"It will feast us well tonight," she offers with a rehearsed smile. "Thank you for your gift."

Terra returns next, dragging a trussed deer behind them. It's large, and bears the wound of a single arrow.

Durla returns with a string of trout, won with patience and keen timing.

Colu returns with... mushrooms. Through their herald, Kara is informed that mushrooms can be more nutritious than animal meat, and these in particular were a rare delicacy.

Kara accepts these too, with similar gratitude-- and a mental note to learn if Coluans were against ingesting all meat, or just wild game.

Mars returns mid-morning, moving slow under the large boar dripping blood across their shoulders. Applause greets them as they carry their kill through the camp-- its defeat is a triumph of both strength and courage.

Thorul is the last to arrive. Just before the herald blows the final horn, a shout at the edge of camp alerts them all to the final suitor’s return. Kara waits as they make their way closer, and as they wind their way through the crowd, she hears a wave of gasps travel across the gathered audience.

When the crowd finally parts, she sees that her suitor is not dragging a carcass at all, but instead leads a live stag with a pelt of pure, snowy white.

Kara can barely tear her eyes from it, with its unnatural blue eyes and the downy antlers atop its head. It seems almost like an illusion, but when she steps forward, it whuffs and tugs agitatedly against the makeshift halter the suitor had fashioned from loops of rope.

No illusion. Just a single, miraculous find. One that-- aside from heaving flanks and patent exhaustion-- is absolutely unharmed.

Kara looks to the suitor, swallowing her shock. "It's beautiful."

The masked face of her suitor stares at her for a long moment, before they look to their herald. The herald listens to the suitor's low words, and conveys them forward to Kara.

"My master understands that it breaks with Kryptonian tradition, but requests the beast not be killed. Instead, they beseech your majesties to allow it to returned to the forest following the evening’s festivities."

Kara nods, agreeing even as her father chimes in. "There is no rule that the game must be slaughtered. No, this animal is more than its meat. It shall return it to its home when we return to ours."

The crowd erupts into applause, and the Thorulian suitor is soon swept away by congratulations and festivities. Kara stays with the stag, and continues to stare.

"I've never even heard stories of such a beast," she whispers to her father.

He nods. "It is a kind heart that values the life of a rarity more than its ownership." He squeezes her shoulder. "Thorul may surprise us yet."

True to their word, when the procession prepares to return to the palace, they release the stag to the wood. It disappears within moments, and Kara issues a quiet prayer to Rao, asking he grant the creature a safe journey home. When she opens her eyes, she finds the Thorulian suitor staring once more from behind the the thin, dark cloth that disguises their features.

They don't approach. They don't speak.

After a long moment, the suitor bows once more before returning to their delegation.

That night is more feasting and celebration. Servants carry platters upon platters of food to their tables, and the wine and mead pour to overflowing. Kara barely tastes any of it. Her thoughts remain with the stag in the forest, and wondering whether Lena ever saw a creature like that.

The next day passes quietly, in both recovery from the night before and preparation for the Trials to come. After the Hunt, however, the Pledge is a placid affair. One by one, each suitor approaches Kara with their herald in tow.

Terra promises a fleet of ships, faster and more agile than any Krypton has seen before.

Mars vows to erect a temple in Rao's honor. Though they honor different gods, Mars respects all deities, and those who peacefully worship them.

Starhaven offers an opulent palace, as lavish as any who have come before it.

Colu pledges a school, and the teachers to fill it, large and grand enough to admit any who wish to attend and learn of science and literature.

Again, Thorul speaks last.

"Thorul pledges a home."

Kara shares a look with her father. "For the newlyweds?" he prompts, attempting to draw out more details.

"No, my lord. For those who have none."

A wave of incredulous murmuring washes through the crowd. The herald continues.

"In honor of the betrothal, the first home will be dedicated to the children of Krypton, those forced to streets by loss or circumstance, those without family living or caring. Then, after the first year, Thorul will pledge a home to any family who cannot afford or are not capable of building one themselves."

Kara's throat tightens. The suitor gazes at her still. She wants to hear their voice, have some clue of their identity. But it's the herald that continues.

"If selected, our suitor knows they will be made to feel at home in Krypton. They only wish to grant the same to all Kryptonian citizens."

Silence follows. When her father nudges her, Kara realizes it is her turn to address the suitors. She stands.

"Thank you for your generous pledges," she tells the suitors. "All will benefit Krypton greatly. I shall weigh them all carefully-- in the meantime, please enjoy this feast, prepared in your honor.”

The crowd cheers, but still Thorul stares.

The third and final challenge welcomes the public to spectate. Crowds upon crowds fill the large stadium constructed just for this task, and soon the air fills with exuberant excitement. Despite its ultimate purpose, the event is a true tourney, and the crowds feast upon their own excitement until they are raucous and loud and boisterous.

Kara's stomach twists in anxious anticipation.

After the tourney, she will make her selection. Without seeing her suitors’ faces, she will choose a match for her kingdom, and the person she would share the rest of her life with. Suddenly, she wishes the historians hadn’t kept with the tradition of anonymity.

The first three rounds are assigned randomly, weapons chosen by a roll of the dice. Starhaven trounces Durla with speed and efficiency in unarmed combat. Terra proves the better bowman, nailing three bulls eyes while Colu plants a neat grouping in an outer ring.

But what the public truly came to see is Thorul and Mars. News of their war had spread, and chance brings them together in the first round of the tourney. The weapon is staves, and Kara watches with her heart in her throat as the embattled nations go head to head.

Both suitors prove themselves nimble fighters, their movements smooth and acrobatic. There is intensity in their movements, but not menace. In fact, they almost seem to be having fun, giving each other space and time to show off with elaborate tumbling passes and graceful combinations.

It doesn't follow a tradition of bloodshed, but the crowd eats it up. To Kara's surprise, they cheer for Thorul.

"My people tell me that word of the past two trials has spread," her father tells her. "The Thorulian suitor has made quite an impression."

And their suitor gets the upper hand almost by accident. Mars gets off balance, and Thorul helps them along by spilling them into a pinning hold with Mars' leg trapped between staff and body.

It's showy and dramatic, sending the crowd to roaring. Mars taps out, and accepts Thorul's hand in getting up. They offer a deep bow to Kara, then a shallower one to the spectators before clasping hands in a match well-played.

They seem almost friendly. More than.

"Perhaps news of their war have been false," Kara murmurs. Her father has no response.

For the second and final round, Terra, Starhaven, and Thorul step into the ring together, swords in hand. Each weapon is duller than a butter knife, but Kara’s throat constricts at the menacing glint of sunlight off polished metal. At the sound of the gong, they begin.

Terra turns on Thorul immediately, marking them as their greatest rival. Thorul deftly deflects and engages, trading blow for blow with one eye towards Starhaven, who waits placidly to see how the impromptu face-off will end.

It ends with slow predictability-- Thorul drives Terra back, step by step, and gives no ground in return. Thorul is relentless, and before Terra can stop to consider their position, the gong sounds to signal the disqualification. Terra looks at their feet, as though shocked to find themselves out of bounds, before looking up to meet Thorul's shrug.

Kara is so caught up in the exchange she almost doesn't notice Starhaven creeping up to take advantage of the relaxed exchange of good humor.

"Watch out!" Kara cries, the words swallowed by the roar of the crowd as Thorul flings themselves to one side, narrowly dodging the shove that would have sent them out of bounds as well. They roll smoothly to their feet, and circles Starhaven in ready strides, head swivelling to keep their opponent in sight.

Starhaven loses patience first, and charges. Thorul steps neatly out of the way, making Starhaven stumble to find their target no longer there. Starhaven sweeps their blade through the air, and Thorul dodges again, hopping backwards across the sandy ground never allowing the blows to come close to hitting. They don't retaliate.

Kara soon realizes that this is a strategy in and of itself. With every unchallenged blow Starhaven grows visibly furious, until their strikes are sharp and angry. Every wild stroke saps energy, and leaves the crowd jeering. When Thorul's first return volley is a smack of the flat of their blade to the seat of Starhaven's pants, the crowd erupts into laughter.

Starhaven issues a bellow of their own, deep and guttural and full of rage.

Alarm hammers in Kara's heart as they charge once more. This time, Thorul engages. They parry, letting the blades slide off each other with a sharp shiiing of metal. They parry again and again, deflecting each blow off Starhaven with seemingly little effort at all, while Starhaven visibly slows and tires.

But even Thorul's good humor has its limit. On the next pass, Starhaven locks their hilts together, bringing them close. Their arm jabs forward and lands what Kara's assumes is a barehanded punch to Thorul's ribs, until Thorul pulls free with shout and slams their fist and hilt into Starhaven's face.

The shift to true violence jars the crowd to silence. As Starhaven reels, Thorul reaches for their ribs, and with a jolt Kara can feel from her seat, pulls a knife from the niche between their armor plates.

Blood stains the sand, drawing a roar of outrage from the spectators.

"Cheat!"

"Foul!"

“Coward!”

Kara nearly shoots to her feet, ready to end the duel right then and there, but her father's hand on her shoulder stays her.

"Thorul has not cried foul. Let us see what they intend to do.”

So Kara remains seated, vibrating with tension. On the field, Thorul visibly flags, one hand bracing their wounded side and chest heaving in pain. Starhaven straightens, emboldened by their success.

There's no finesse to their final charge. Just a roar that is swallowed by the clamor of an enraged crowd, and a massive double handed swing intended to do as much damage as a blunted weapon can inflict.

A single, feminine cry carries above the din, as Thorul lifts their sword to deflect. Starhaven's sword turns aside, scraping along the outside of Thorul's gauntlet. The cry turns to a bellow as Thorul halts Starhaven's charge with a massive kick to their chest, slamming their foot directly into the engraved crest of the Starhaven royal family.

Starhaven's feet fly out from under them, and they slam bodily to the ground. They go still for a long moment, and in the sudden silence, Kara hears a cough and a gasp from the fallen suitor before they roll, clutching their chest in obvious pain.

Thorul kneels, leaning in close to speak into Starhaven's ear. After a moment, Starhaven reaches out with one hand and taps the ground twice.

In the silence that follows, Thorul climbs back to their feet, hand still pressed to their ribs. To everyone's surprise, their free hand plants their sword in the sand before extending toward.

Starhaven to help the fallen suitor rise as well.

"We have a champion!" Kara's father booms. The crowd goes wild, and as the competitors offer tender bows to their hosts, he leans in to speak in Kara's ear. "And what a champion we have."

Yes, Kara's thoughts echo. A champion indeed.

That night, the feast is loud and boisterous, but not quite enough to drown out the pounding of Kara's heart. She doesn't eat, and notices neither Starhaven nor Thorul do as well. The remaining four seem in good spirits, as though content for another to be selected.

When the time comes, Kara's father lifts his hand, and the herald pounds the floor with his staff, calling the room to attention.

"The time has come!" Zor el announces. "Suitors, please gather."

Already drifting to the front of the room, the suitors form a single line, shoulder to shoulder. They wait, and Kara feels her heart climb up her throat, desperate to escape.

"Lady Kara," her father prompts. "Please make your selection."

Kara rises, and stands tall on legs that threaten to collapse.

"I thank you all again, for honoring Krypton's custom and history by participating in the trials. Your conduct over the past three days have given me great insight into your characters, and though I shall only select one of you, know that I look forward to getting to know all of you better in the years to come. You have proven the honor and good faith of your kingdoms, and I am glad to have made your acquaintance."

Some more than other. She forces herself not to glare at Starhaven’s masked face. Their poor conduct during the duel still rankles, but Kara cannot admonish them after Thorul had conducted them with such grace and aplomb. No matter how she might wish to.

"I have weighed each of your gifts with great consideration, and have made my selection."

A ripple of anticipation travels across the room, and Kara takes a deep breath.

"For their choice of game, I received a reminder of the beauty that exists in Krypton, and with their pledge, they have placed value in our people, and demonstrated they understand the importance of service to the realm."

Kara continues to address the crowd, rather than the suitors. She pretends not to notice the way Thorul stands so still, frozen in place. She pretends not to feel their hidden eyes upon her, drinking her in. Rooting her to the spot.

"And with their conduct in the duels, they have both honored the spirit of our customs, and demonstrated a strength of will and character that Krypton will cherish, for all their years to come."

With her father's steadfast presence behind her, and the crowd waiting with bated breath, Kara lifts her chin and squares her shoulders.

"For my betrothed, I choose Thorul."

Her declaration meets with exuberant applause. She had made her match for Krypton, and Krypton gives their approval wholeheartedly. It should ease the knot climbing up her throat, and yet…

The remaining five suitors bow in deference to her decision, and acquit themselves graciously. They drift back to their delegations, leaving Thorul to stand alone.

The Thorulian herald approaches, a proud and pleased smile on his face. "My lord and lady, it is my honor and privilege to present to you, Princess Lena of Thorul."

The suitor's hands lift even before the herald finishes, pulling back their hood and tugging the black mask down below her chin to reveal dark hair, pale skin, and a jawline Kara's recognizes in intimate detail.

Lena.

Her Lena.

Kara's heart trips in her chest as she stares, and dares not to blink lest the apparition dissolve into so much smoke.

Lena gazes back, holding Kara's stare unwaveringly.

Zor el fills her stunned silence. "Well met, Princess!" Green eyes shift to Zor el, and bows deeply in greeting. "We'd heard you'd been lost!"

The princess’ gaze slides back to Kara, addressing her simple response to her newly betrothed.

"I was found."

The feast continues long into the night, but does so without the new betrothed. The Thorulian delegation withdraws shortly after the selection, following the final steps of Kryptonian tradition.

Kara departs as well, as much to freshen up as to finally collapse onto a seat as her trembling legs finally gave way. She had imagined it, surely. A trick of the light and her mind's desperate attempt to say goodbye to her first and final love.

But when she steps into the privacy of the portrait gallery to meet her betrothed an hour later, the figure waiting with her back to the door has the same slope of Lena's shoulders, the same ruddy tint when the light catches her dark hair just so.

The door clicks audibly behind her, sealing them in a tenuous silence.

"L-Lena...?"

"You left."

Kara's breath catches, as a sob crawls up her throat. It is her. It's her, it's her, it's her... "Lena, how...? Why?"

"You called me selfish, stole my horse, and you left."

Finally, Lena turns. Seeing her again feels like a kick to the chest, but it's the tears glinting in her eyes that tears her heart asunder.

"Lena, I'm so sorry," she gasps. Tears of her own spill down her cheeks. "Those things I said-- I shouldn't have--"

"You were right." Lena's anger deflates in an instant. Suddenly, she looks smaller than she ever did. "I ran from my home, from my people, and never looked back."

Kara swallows thickly, wiping her cheeks. "You have now."

Lena shrugs with a bitter smirk. "Let's just say walking to the next town on foot gave me time to think."

A laugh bubbles out of Kara, and she freezes in chagrin. But when Lena's lips lift into a careful smile, Kara beams and rushes to close the difference.

She throws her arms around Lena's neck, clinging to her as her laughter wobbles back into tears. Lena turns her face into Kara's neck inhaling deeply. Her shoulders loosen, but her grip tightens, refusing to let go.

"I've missed you," Kara murmurs through her tears. "So, so much."

It's been almost two years since their argument in the woods. Two years of dreams and fading memories. And here Lena is, solid in her arms.

She squeezes Lena tighter, only draw back sharply when Lena hisses in pain. "What? What happ-- oh my god, you're injured. That stupid, no-good Starhaven bast--"

"I'm fine, my lady," Lena murmurs. "Just... maybe watch the hands for a while."

Kara gasps another laugh, gathering Lena's hands in hers.

She doesn't let go.

They speak for hours that night, and in so doing, Kara learns the truth.

Lena had indeed run, much like Kara, but not just from the rumored marriage.

"All my life I was told I was nothing,” Lena tells her, seated on the intimate couch nestled between sculptures of Kara’s ancestors. “When my mother announced the wedding, she made it explicitly clear it wasn't for political advantage, or alliance-- Starhaven was simply the kingdom willing to take me off her hands the soonest."

"Starhaven? That's why..." Kara's fingers flicker towards the bandages hidden beneath her tunic.

Lena nods. "Lord Edge doesn’t forgive a slight-- not even one inflicted when we were barely thirteen. Nor does he appreciate his jilter competing against him for the hand of another."

Thirteen… Lena has spent a long time alone.

"I couldn't live the life they wanted-- shoved to the side, ignored... powerless." Lena can't meet Kara's gaze. She stares at their laced fingers instead. "So I left. It never occurred to me for a moment that they'd ever miss me."

Kara squeezes her hand, mourning the child Lena had been: wanting for love and purpose. "If the marriage was intended for Starhaven, then why the Martian War?"

Lena sighs. "It took me months to work out that Lex's advisors were misleading him. And he's so damn stubborn he had to hear the collusion for himself before he believed it. But he did, and dismissed them. I've been helping him broker peace ever since."

"You seemed friendly with the Martian suitor..."

"M'gann and I have grown familiar over the course of the negotiations. They're a reasonable people, especially once Lex agreed to pay reparations. If Lex keeps his own counsel, I think our people may be allies yet."

Kara gazes at Lena, drinking in the sight of her easy confidence. She'd never noticed before, the way she'd been wound tight against judgement. But the lack of it now is unmistakable. Her years on the road may have helped her find her power, but returning home has given her purpose.

"Your brother..." Kara says carefully. "He doesn't sound like someone who didn't miss you."

Cheeks coloring, Lena looks away. "The night I returned, I stole into the castle. I didn't want to be seen until I knew how he'd react, and he--"

Her voice gives out, and her lips tremble. Kara leans against her, offering silent support.

"He'd never hugged me so tight before," Lena whispers. She almost cries, but she wipes her tears away with a smile. "He almost didn't let me come here, he was so scared to let me out of his sight again."

"I know the dowager passed, some years ago. I imagine he must have been thrilled to learn he had family still living."

"He found Mother’s journals, after the funeral. It wasn't until he read how she thought of me that he realized why I left. He'd never realized how wretched she was."

Lena’s thumb rubs soft circles against the back of Kara’s hand. Silence gathers around them, insulating them from the rest of the world. Kara stares at her, and watches as Lena seems to struggle with some new truth she’d yet to share.

Finally, her gaze lifts to meets Kara's with solemn intent. "Kara, you should know... he's named me his heir. He intends to make the proclamation after we announce our betrothal."

Kara grins. "Then he is indeed a wise king."

"No, Kara, it means... when his title falls to me, it means our two kingdoms will be bound. They could unite, if we wish it."

Kara cups Lena's cheeks with both hands. "If Thorul is anything like its princess, then Krypton would be all the richer for it."

A dark eyebrow lifts. "Even a selfish princess?"

Familiar shame chills Kara to the bone. Her lips press together as old tears burn at her eyes. "I should never have said those things, Lena. I've regretted them the moment I gave voice to them.”

Lena shrugs. "You were right. Even if you didn't know it. I ran from my duties, and for far longer than you did."

"You are also the one who took the hand of a desperate, terrified girl," Kara reminds her, bumping their foreheads together, “and helped her for no other reason than because she asked. And then…”

Pulling back, Lena meets her gaze with startling intensity. “Then?”

Kara smiles.

“You gave her the world."

[hereforlukescruff]

ok where do i start babe. im in class so lets pull this shit. imagine Luke being your TA in history class or some shit (i dunno fam i'm durnk dont @ me) and its one of those things where he was a one night stand and you peaced out the next morning without leaving any info and then you showed up first day of class to see he's your fucking TA. like. what the fuck. and he notices you for sure. its a small class. and now he's going to be marking your papers and shit and you're like holy fuck 1/?

and then, to make it worse. he’s your TA for your discussion class too where you talk about shit with only like 10 students and a TA and he takes roll call the first morning and says your name and you’re just like holy fuck because you can’t avoid now and all the other TA blocks are full. and he’s gorgeous and you’re like first: why the fuck did i peace out that morning and second: if he’s my TA does that mean i can’t fuck him again. and he’s your fucking TA so after the class ends 2/?

he asks you to stay and you can’t just say no in front of all these other students so you stay and he’s just like, “didn’t think id be seeing you again.” and you’re like fuck cuz you know you owe him an explanation for leaving that morning without even saying goodbye or leaving a phone number and you’re just like… “sorry. i uh… didn’t want to make it more than what it was.” and he’s like “i mean. i guess i can understand that.” and he lets you leave and you think thats going to be the 3/?

end of it but every class he’s so beautiful and he’s so smart and you find yourself falling harder and harder. you don’t know it but he’s totally falling for you too, especially reading your assignments and stuff, he’s starting to learn more about you and is like woah she’s actually really cute. so one day you show up to the small TA session and you’ve been drinking (#ME AM I RIGHT?) and you’re super impatient and he can tell you’re drunk so he asks you to stay after class and once everyone 4/?

is gone he turns to talk to you but you just kiss him. you can’t help yourself any more. and he leans into the kiss. lifting you up and setting you on the table as he goes between your legs and kisses you like his life depends on it. “i can’t stop thinking about you.” “you’re drunk.” he sighs but you are just like “maybe so but… it’s the truth.” and he believes you because he hasn’t been able to get you out of his head either. besides you’re not even that drunk anymore and you feel so good 5/?

and he’s just like fuck it and kisses you again. he pulls away and you whine but he just locks the door because at least one of you still has a brain. and then you just fuck. and im too drunk and in class to talk about it but it’s your turn babe. work your magic. FUCK ME UP MIRIAM. okay. im done now 6/6

……………………………………………………………………………………………

who’s fucking up who cause i’m choking djfdlsjkdlsjk

but imagine walking in to that class and you guys noticing each other and you’re both just like “fuck” in your head cause you’re not supposed to be his student and he’s definitely not supposed to be your teacher. you guys would quickly avert your eyes before the other students noticing what’s going on since you’re still trying to be professional. but now everything is awkward cause you’re the one who left that morning and when he asks you about it, you don’t have much of an answer other than the fact that it was just a fuck and he’s kinda taken aback but also like whatever he gets it, not like he was expecting you guys to fall in love or some shit. 

it gets harder over the semester though cause now he’s your TA and he’s gorgeous and this is your favorite subject so you have this man who looks like the greek sculptures of old talking about how society’s decrease in ethics and morality made the fall of the roman empire predictable and how the effects of it are still echoing in today’s society. like okay he’s gorgeous and smart?? you have no chance of not falling for him. it’s especially difficult sitting in class cause every time you look up at him you just remember his lips sucking on your neck and his tongue swirling on your clit so you have to keep looking away before it’s too much. 

you have no idea that he’s struggling just as much though, that every time you look at him or answer a question all he can think about was how wet and warm your pussy was when he was fucking you and that his pants start to get a bit tight which is why he goes and stands behind the podium for the rest of class. and then he sees your assignments are actually really well thought out and you’re raising points that none of the students even noticed so now he’s falling in love with your mind too? you both know the consequences of what would happen if you guys actually do this but at same time, it’s like the 10th week of the semester and you just can’t anymore

he’d know you’re a bit drunk when you walk in that day cause you’re louder than usual and your eyes aren’t as focused when he talks. but when class is over and everyone’s already left before you, your almost to the door when you stop in your tracks and just say “fuck it”. luke looks up at that and sees you coming towards him when you wrap your hands around his neck and bring his face down and smash your lips against his. his initial reaction is to grab you by the waist, bringing you closer to his chest. you gasp into his mouth when you feel his tongue at your lips but then he’s pushing you off. “we can’t do this, im your TA”. “i can’t stop thinking about you” you’d tell him breathless. “you’re drunk” he’d push away from you, running his hands through his hair. “not really and it doesn’t make it not true. i know you’ve thinking about me too.” you say walking closer to him. he looks you up and down, sighing, “if we do this….no one can know.” you smirk at that, knowing that you convinced him. “well then i guess you better lock the door” you’d say, walking towards the desk. 

moving the loose papers to the side, you lift yourself onto the desk. luke goes to the door, making sure it’s locked and that no one is in the corridor. when he turns back he sees you sitting on the edge of the desk, your skirt bunched up at your hips, and legs spread as you wait for him. he feels his cock get hard at the sight of you, one hand behind your body to hold yourself up as the other is rubbing your clit over your panties. there’s nothing slow about it when luke comes over to you, his hand on your chest as he pushes you down to lie you against the desk. he’s already gotten your panties off when he moves his hand through your folds, it’s the build up of over two months frustration coming to a peak.

“all this for me?” he’d ask you when he feels how wet you are already, barely having even touched you. “i’m always wet for you” saying that has luke dropping to his knees in front of you, moving your legs over his shoulders as he goes in. his tongue at your clit when he says “still taste just as good as i remember”. you feel two of his fingers slip inside you as he sucks on your clit, you’d arch off the desk making his arm snake over your chest to hold you down. “oh shit” coming from your lips has luke working harder, knowing you’re about to cum which was right cause a few seconds later you cum over his tongue, moaning as you fall back against the desk. breathless, your hands fall away from luke’s head as you try to slow your heart rate.

getting off the ground, luke’s hands go to undo his belt as he stares at you. you look a mess with your eyes shut and your head against the desk. your skirt is bunched up over your hips, legs spread open with your pussy out. Luke wants this view imprinted in his brain cause he knows that it’s the hottest thing he’d ever see. “take off your shirt” he’d say as he pushes his pants down. opening your eyes you see luke standing in front of you with his cock in his hand as you quickly do as youre told. 

with your shirt over your head and bra removed just as fast, luke bends over to catch a breast in his mouth while his hand goes to play with the other. your head falls back as his tongue rolls over your nipple. you snake a hand between you both to grab his cock in your fist, he moans against your breast as you start stroking him. your fingers are swirling the precum over the tip when he grabs your hand to stop you “if you don’t stop i’m gonna cum and i’d rather do that inside you, sweetheart”

luke would pull you from the desk and spin you around as he pushes down on your back so that your chest is flat against it with your feet on the ground. what you didn’t expect was a smack to your ass when you pressed your head against the desk but the vibrations go straight to your pussy, making you ache even more. after spanking you, luke would grab your ass rubbing his hands over it to soothe the pain before moving his hands to your hips and sinking into you with no warning. 

your hands are flat against the desk as luke is fucking into you, the grip on your waist so tight you know there’ll be marks when you finish. “fuck baby, you take my cock so good. can’t believe we waited this long to do this again”. when one of his hands goes down to rub your clit as he continues fucking you, you let out a loud moan making him pull you up to his chest by the throat, his hand covering your mouth as he whispers in your ear “you have to be quieter than that, darling, we don’t want anyone to know how dirty you really are.” his hand stays over your mouth as you whine against his palm, not being able to hold the sounds back when he hits your spot.

you feel your orgasm build as you start clenching around his cock. when he rubs your clit and hits the spot right one more time you come undone beneath him, a string of “oh fuck” is all you can say. he’s still fucking you as your orgasm rolls through you, getting sloppier as he chases his own release. a few more thrusts and you feel him still inside you as he cums with a groan against your ear. his hands falls from your throat as you catch yourself with the desk, your knees weak. pulling out of you, luke sees the mess you both made as he looks for napkins trying to clean you up. 

as you both get dressed, making sure that you don’t look like you just got fucked, you head to the door when you feel a hand grab your arm. luke pulls you to him as he tilts your head up and kisses you softly, “i’ll see you in class. you might wanna read chapter 6 for the assignment” you feel him smile against your lips. shaking your head at him when you push away from his chest “now isn’t it unethical to help me out?” “probably not as unethical as it is to fuck you” he’d smirk as he unlocks the door and leaves before you say anything else. 

[theroastedpoosqueery-blog]

On johann and tenma dynamic or something

((@jyuanka so yea i wanted to bounce back on what you were saying but its so long i figured i should make a new post lmao ))

There are so many interesting characters in monster (eva being maybe the first one), but the dynamic between tenma and johann is really whats does the deal for me. Their relationship is what builds the plot, like two poles of a battery that supports the entire story ! and they only met four times !! i love that its so unclear why both of them are so intent on having the other in their line of sight, like their obsession with each other is never really explained and we can only have so many speculations. Since its monster, it cant be something like ‘good tenma absolutely want to destroy johann for world peace”/ “evil johann absolutely want to destroy tenma because hes…evil”.

(you said  you wanted to yell about monster so uh im taking advantage of it lol)

For tenma, we first think that all of this it is to prove his innocence. But the narrative voice shows us several times that this is not the case (grimmer who tells him that he should not go so far just to get his name cleared -> close-up on tenma’s face that darkens and tenma who doesnt answer = tenma does not do that to prove his innocence, theres something else). And frankly who would go that far just for that? Tenma realizes very quickly that destroying johan is,,,more than complicated and that he could lost his life at any point. He could go to a remote part of another continent and rebuild a career as a doctor there, under a new identity, if he wanted to (maybe johann wouldnt let him, but the obsession johann has for tenma is something that the latter understood at the end so he wouldnt know that at the beginning of the series). Nor is it because he has a savior syndrome and he absolutely wants to protect people (orrr well a little lol), because tenma doesnt seem to be interested in politics or in social justice at the beginning of the series. What i mean is that, like everyone, he knows that the world is unfair and that folks are dying because of horrible situations and horrible people (idk like because of the mafia, because of capitalists, because of fascists, because of human trafficking, etc). Like, everyone knows that, and some of us react and actually do things like direct actions, lobbies, associations, politics, or even just talk about it. But Tenma really doesnt seem to be that moved or concerned, hes more the type to be like “whatever. Dont see ? hasnt happened”. Yet when he realizes that its johan who does these things, suddenly it becomes his personal business. Like people always say tenma is the “absolute good” and i really, really disagree.

He has spent his life obeying orders from despotic leaders without ever questioning himself once. He was going to marry a girl who told him that all lives are not equal, ffs! yea she says this when tenma began to think that maybe, maybe, theres something wrong with all this so this sentence shocked him. But you cant tell me that the highly horrible personality of eva is something he wasnt aware of before ! and he was alright with that, because then by marrying her he would secure a brilliant career. He saves a rich person instead of a poor turkish husband, and he have to see his crying widow who tries to punch him to realize that maybe what he did wasnt really okay. And he was past his thirties, so its not a question of “the poor baby didnt knew there was inequality in the world and what he was doing was not nice ! “. He knew, and he chose again and again, for most of his life, to please a corrupt man to promote his career and have a good and safe life. So for me tenma is so, so problematic ! Because Tenma is the sort of man who sees what is wrong, but who chooses not to do anything against it. isnt this kind of people the worst ?? and thats why i love him ! and thats why his radical evolution caused by johann (when he saves the boy, then when he chooses to kill him), is so intriguing.

So yea tenma dont want to destroy johann just so people will be safe or for world peace or wtv  BS -because he spent most of his life not caring about that, or caring but not to the point of getting personally involved. I think little johann is what triggers tenma to do something for the first time of his life. He goes from the guy who sees what is wrong but who doesnt feel like he can react so he just goes with the flow and become as horrible as everyone else, making him worse because he knows thats wrong -> to the guy who chooses, to the guy with an agency who decides to react. Little johan makes tenma becoming a person, its his trigger to personhood. And thats why, after his first encounter with johann, tenma become so different. Imo, the real monster is tenma in the beginning of the series - and johann makes him someone who uses his agency, he renders him human !

So 9 years later, when tenma finds out that the trigger of his humanity is actually the very negation of what is human, it goes ‘bam’ in his brain. We can understand why ! During this 9 years, he had the time to inhabit his new role of “a person with an agency” - he seems so calm, so confident and happy. Hes not the guy who knew that everything was wrong but just followed orders and closed his eyes anymore, he has a personhood and uses his newfound humanity to make the world a better place. He has a sense of purpose and realizes what it is that life is worth living (okay im projecting here lmao). Above all, he thinks that the choice he made (to become a person) is ultimately absolutely good. But then he meet johan for a second time, and actually realizes -wait, so me becoming a person can causes bad things ? was i wrong ? should i have stayed how i was before ?

And then we enter what is the core of Monster : we just follow someone who struggles to define what is being human. Before, like i said, tenma wasnt using his personhood. After johann triggers him to become a person, he basically lives a morally ideal life -save people, be a good person, no headaches of ‘what should i do’. The people who could have forced him to make actual difficult choices (his corrupt chief ) were conveniently dead. Then he met adult-johan, and bam ! so many contradictions. suddenly the answer is not that clear anymore. Then he realizes than with personhood comes the obligation to make dubious moral choices. Because for each choice we make, there are negatives consequences and positives ones, and we have to judge when the positives outcomes prevails on the negatives ones without ever being sure. And i think tenma chasing johan is him refusing this existing situation, is him trying to run away from the negatives consequences of becoming a person. Its him on a quest to know if getting access to personhood is absolutely good, a quest to know if his reason of living is legitimate. He cant think that there are not absolutely good choice, that sometimes the good choice can be to kill someone - or to save them, depending on the situation. There isnt absolute anymore : no real monsters, no real good person. We’re just human who struggles to do what we can. Once you have an agency, you have to take decisions. So for tenma, who basically have never taken decisions to construct himself as a person, his johann-hunting is basically that : hes chasing after his own definition of humanity. Whether he would have choose to kill johan or not, at the end, the manga completed the mission : theres no good choice, only choice you think are the best at one point. If he had chosen to kill johan, he would have chosen to kill someone ; if he had chosen to not kill him, he would have chosen to let someone else die. Whats better ? I am not sure. Personally, i think that if i could kill certain people i would do it, while knowing that this people are humans like me, just raised in different circumstances, because my ideas and my buddies’ lives are worth more than the life of the ones who threatens us : thats my answer of humanity. We alas dont get to see tenma’s answer… but anw. Thats my personal interpretation of what johann makes tenma do lol.

For Johann, the reason for his obsession with tenma is even less clear for me. Why johann wants tenma to understand him, to see him, so badly ? What makes tenma so special ? Johan seems to have a daddy complex, because tenma not the first middle-age man to have the dubious pleasure to be the object of johan desire to show “his” world to someone else. General wolf and schuwald both had to loose everything that was dear to them until they only have johann who then betray them deeply. But these two dont seem to catch the “scenery of the doomsday” so dear to johann ; and yet johann appears to be convinced that tenma can (and so that tenma is the one who should kill him). Why is that ? Why tenma is so different than wolfe and schuwald ?

I have numerous ideas but not one that convinced me too much. The first one would be how their first encounter resonates with them both and had the same effect of ‘triggering their humanity’. I already explained why i think johann is tenma’s personhood trigger. I also think tenma is johann’ trigger to humanity. Its kind of simple : tenma is the first one to show him that human could be good. Tenma saves him and risk his career without ulterior motives (or at least material motives, because like i said there were many philosophical and psychological stakes for tenma). For johann, who never knew that humans could be like that because his childhood environment was kind of,,not good, and who is still young enough to be impressionable, it could be enough to be interested in what tenma has to offer if he were to play with him. That plus the fact that he has deep parental issues and tenma is, like he said, a “second father” to him, so maybe he acts like a child would with his dad (in his twisted way), or rather with his god -tenma who creates him, tenma who destroys him. But i think its too emotional for johann.

Other idea : johann, being this prodigy, understand exactly what is tenma situation while saving him and his philosophical questions -lets keep in mind that tenma talks to johan often whil the boy is in a coma. He understands that tenma chooses ultimately *personhood* over everything that could make his life easy. And tenma’s answer is exactly the opposite of johann's way of seeing life, since johann chooses again and again to negate humanity. So he wants to destroy tenma’s philosophy, destroy tenma sense of what is being human : he creates the perfect life for tenma, wait for tenma to be really at ease with his situation, then slowly destroy everything until tenma would be forced to recognize the superiority of johann’ response. I really think johann is prepared to die just to win his mind game with tenma lmao, he’s that much of a sore loser.

Other theory, who dont necessarily conflicts with the others ones, its that johann didnt plan to make tenma this important in his life. He at first intended to do to tenma the same thing he had done to schuwald and wolfe, with maybe more sentiments knowing tenma was his second father and everything. But what changed his plan was tenma reactions. I dont think johann thought that tenma will go all lone ranger in the arizona forest to train to become a killer spy lmao, and when he saw that, he was like ‘oh funny’ (lets keep in mind that during the first half of the series, while he still thinks he was the one in the red rose mansion, johann is basically just playing a nihilistic game and dont put that much valor into anything). Maybe he became attached to him (whatever sort of attachment you headcanon), which was kind of a novelty to him since he didnt have any feelings toward anyone until then -his sister was himself and he was his sister, i dont think johann ever understand that nina was her own person until the end so feelings toward his sister doesnt count- and he was unsettled enough to want to keep tenma at hand. Like each time i see the schuwald arc im lmfao, when johan is all like little devilish smiles and sidelong glances each time he knows (how? no idea, he must have super powers at this point really) tenma is watching him like how much of an act it is ?? theres no reason for johann to do this ‘hihi cant catch me hellooo ;D ;D’ except being a drama queen. Which he is. so yea i cant help but wonder why he is acting this funny towards tenma lol

Or maybe johann never succeeded in negating his own humanity and ultimately couldnt bear to truly erase his own existence at the end, so he wanted someone to remember him to have a chance to live at least once -because johann understood that what makes us be is to make other people witness your existence. Tenma was the ideal candidate he stumbled upon -his sister being out of play since she was himself so not a true external witness and everyone else being too,, afraid of him or too under his charm to do anything.

AAAh so many ideas !! what is sure is that tenma is johann most important person and conversely. And since they met so infrequently the fandom has a highway to imagine other interactions. please people imagine other johan/tenma interactions. please im dying i dont understand these russian fics at all

So anyway sorry for this loooong ass post that nobody is going to read !! i just,,,,,,,,,,love monster,,,,,,,,,so much