ecce-felix · 10 months ago
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I always ask the very good question of ‘if rhaenyra wanted to rule successfully and shut the greens down before they could gain traction why didn’t she foster more alliances besides with the velaryons and arryns’ like alliances aren’t just marital you can foster good relations and give lords attention and listen to them personally (since you have a dragon that gives you increased travel mobility) and make them feel important. She’s a woman in a misogynistic society and has three brothers (along with two nephews) that many would consider heirs above her, I genuinely don’t understand why she didn’t realize how weak her position was and work to combat it. She just squatted on dragonstone for years to the point that a betrayal from house Baratheon (who are literally just across the channel) came out of nowhere to her. She just expected they’d be her allies bc she didn’t consider the rumors about her sons might anger the baratheons. She knows she has two unmarried brothers that the greens could use to form marital alliances, why didn’t she try to figure out which great house with eligible daughters was their target? It’s just bizzare. I would’ve been visiting all the time to check the vibes at storms end and trying to charm them into forgetting they aren’t Actually related to my heir. Granted she’d have a harder time of it bc misogyny & her habit of lying but if she gave an effort the greens would’ve had a much weaker leg to stand on. It’s like she grew up so entitled/watching her stupid father flounder in KL that she forgot being a monarch is an actual job that requires networking with everyone and not one or two houses. She finally started networking during the war by sending her heir to treat with the north but by then it was too damn late to stop the war from happening. I blame viserys for being a fuckup bad example to her and I also blame Targaryen exceptionalism for making her ego & sense of delusional entitlement worse.
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kikixreverie · 3 years ago
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Hi- may I ask for an angst-mix with Bucky x reader: she had her share of abusive/toxic relationships in her past, but it was nothing she spoke of, and not now when she had James. It wasnt like she thought she was gonna be triggered again, not by him, any other guy- buy not her Bucky! Some tiny bickering evolved to a large dispute, and before she knew what was happening, she shied away from him, making herself small, awaiting the blow - that never came... And instead she was overcome by shame...
Pasts and Apologies
Bucky x Fem!reader
Word count - 3k
Warnings - Mentions of domestic abuse from ex, some descriptions of abuse, angst, trauma
A/n - Okay I definitely went hard on the angst for this one. I kinda just went off on one so not so much bickering and more just a full blown argument but I've been feeling kinda angsty lately so I kinda accidentally made this darker than I expected. Please read the warnings and do not read if you think this could trigger you.
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Love had not been kind to you before Bucky. Every decent memory of your ex was clouded with uncertainty, you would walk on eggshells around him, terrified that saying the wrong thing would set him off and you'd be calling Sam again, sobbing down the phone, cradling another bruise at the hands of your 'partner'.
You were together for years, devoted to and unconditionally in love with the man that you had met in high school. Childhood sweethearts.
He always was quick to anger and he wasn't shy about that. He never had any issues with shouting at you when you pissed him off, just as he never had issues with shouting at his mother or younger brother, but at the time, you had always stood up for yourself and defended the poor woman, making him apologise, and he let you, he always let you clean up his messes.
The first few years were spent in ignorant bliss, you constantly ignored the fear that would creep up your spine when he got angry, but you could manage a screaming match or two, you could manage it all because you loved him, you depended on him despite that he wasn't at all dependable.
The arguments were tough, but you never expected it to go further than that, but eventually, it did.
The first time he was physically aggressive was on his 22nd birthday. He had insisted that he spend his birthday with his friends, calling it a guys night, and you were fine with that, you knew how handsy he got when he was with his friends anyway, so you spent the day with him instead, making sure to keep him happy and spoilt rotten.
As the night crept on, you had tried to wait up for him to return, just as he had asked, but as it passed 3am you decided that he wouldn't mind you going to bed since you had work the next day, so you crawled into bed and fell asleep, a mistake, at the time, you didn't know you had made.
When he returned half an hour later to see you unconscious, he woke you up with his shouting, angry that you hadn't stayed up for him, convinced that you were ruining his night on purpose. The loud awakening was enough alone to trigger your fight or flight but when he threw the duvet off you and grabbed your ankle so tightly you knew a bruise would form, you were terrified. He dragged you off the bed and pushed you towards the door, telling you to fuck off, and you did, tears streaming down your face as you laid awake on the couch till morning.
It only got worse from there, when he realised that he could hurt you and get away with it, it became his favourite past time, he'd look for reasons to shout at you, make you do things that would piss him off just so he'd have a reason to be cruel.
When Sam started noticing dark bruises on your skin, he was livid, and despite how often you'd try to convince him that it's just clumsiness, Sam knew better.
There were rare days that you would have long conversations with Sam, you'd talk about how you'd lost all your friends and distanced yourself from your family but you didn't blame your abuser, you blamed only yourself, and Sam would beg you to leave him but you'd be sobbing in his arms, telling him that you still loved the man who hurt you, that he didn't really mean to hurt you and you'd feel even more guilt if you ever got him in trouble for it.
It was a long and hard journey, but the moment you told Sam that you wanted out, he was there for you, offering you to stay at his place and helping you call the cops. He gave you all the resources he could possibly find through the VA and set you up with an amazing therapist and eventually you were living in your own place, talking to old friends again, and filing a restraining order against your ex.
It was nearly two years later when you met him. Introduced through Sam, you met the love of your life on a Sunday. He was quiet and focused, with hard eyes scanning the room, looking for escape routes, analysing people's faces.
You smiled gently at him when you met, opting for a small nod in greeting instead of a handshake. You stayed near him for the remainder of the gathering, not pressuring him to speak to you, just sitting in silence. You were drawn to him, his behaviour was so similar to yours.
You knew what it felt like to want to just blend into the corner, to stay unnoticed, you understood the need to know how to escape a room, and you saw the way he hesitantly returned your smile and then struggled to chase his smile away once you had sat down beside him.
You and Bucky soon became each other's rocks, always there for the other on the hard days, days that you would spend just walking or reading together in calm silence. There was no doubt that the two of you loved each other, and after months and months of trying to hide longing glances and blushing cheeks, you finally confessed to each other, and the rest was history. You trusted him like you had never trusted anyone before.
As your relationship progressed, Bucky started to notice some strange things in your behaviour, how you'd always ask his permission for you to go out with friends, how you were always quick to apologise in any situation and distanced yourself from him when he was the slightest bit irritated.
He had tried to ask you about it, but you always changed the subject as soon as it was mentioned, ensuring him that it was nothing to worry about.
To tell the truth, you were embarrassed, you were ashamed that your ex still had this effect on you, and no matter how many times you told yourself that he would never, that your Bucky would never, your brain refused to allow you to believe it and you continued with the odd behaviour that you used as a defence mechanism when in the abusive relationship.
You never spoke out of line, you never asked him where or who he was going out with, and you never let small bickering escalate.
It was only after you had overheard Sam and Bucky in a heated conversation, Sam scolding Buck for being reckless and stupid during a mission, that you had your first argument with him.
You had called Sam while Bucky was at the store, convincing him to tell you what had happened and after a few minutes of guilt-tripping, Sam finally confessed that Bucky had practically ran into open fire, endangering himself in an attempt to shut down a Hydra base, it could've very easily been fatal, and it wasn't the first time something like this had happened.
You knew it was wrong, you knew you should've just asked Bucky about it, but you couldn't help yourself, and you knew that Bucky would've downplayed the whole situation.
When he returned home you were pacing up and down in the living room, chewing the inside of your cheeks and your nails to pieces because you could've lost him, Bucky could've died and he was acting as if it were nothing.
"Doll?" You could hear the worry in his voice as he placed the shopping bags on the kitchen counter and walked over to you, standing in front of you to stop your movement, pulling your hand from your mouth and kissing your knuckles.
It was supposed to calm you, and it almost did, but as his soft lips grazed your hand, and his eyes met yours, your mind kept wandering to the fact that he could've died.
This moment could've never happened, instead, you'd have Sam or Steve at your door, trying to deliver the news of their best friend's death, your lover.
"Honey speak to me" He looked utterly confused, but the look only made you feel angry.
How could he be so reckless?
"I just got off the phone with Sam."
He froze, eyebrows furrowing and taking a step away from you, waiting for you to explain.
Your gaze didn't move from the floor, trying to even out the anger and worry rushing through you, settling like a heavy rock in your stomach.
"He told me about the missions, about how you've been acting."
"What do you mean, how I've been acting?" He scoffed, sounding offended, and you sighed.
"How reckless you've been acting. Sam said that Tony's considering pulling you out of missions! How many times have you endangered yourself like this? How many times is it gonna take for you to realise that you could fucking die out there, James."
Your voice was stern, and the tone felt foreign against your tongue. Bucky's kept his face hard, refusing to show any emotion, but you could see the way his jaw clenched harshly, eyes glued to the corner of the room, ignoring your fiery glare.
"Were you ever going to tell me? I thought that all the injuries you got were fairly normal for the jobs you do, but when I hear that you run into open fire, that you make decisions on your own before talking to your team, that you've gotten fucking stabbed in the past, and you never told me, how do you expect me to react?"
He sighed heavily through his nose, jaw ticking in annoyance towards his friend, angry that he had told you even though it wasn't his place.
"I told him not to tell you." His voice was gruff, the words spoken harshly under his breath and you felt your anger flair again.
"What and you think that's okay?!"
His gaze shot to yours, looking at you incredulously.
"Bucky we're partners! You're supposed to tell me this shit, you're supposed to tell me when you've nearly died on a mission, you're supposed to trust me."
"You think I don't trust you?!" His voice was slightly raised and you felt your annoyance spike, "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to worry."
"Of course I'm gonna worry, James. This is a big deal, I can't believe you've been getting seriously injured and not telling me."
"Well, I don't think it's that big of a deal, Sam shouldn't have fucking told you. This wouldn't be happening if he had just kept his mouth shut, but no! Of course not!" Bucky's eyebrows were drawn in tight with annoyance, wishing you'd just drop the subject, "I'm not stupid, I know what I'm doing."
"What the hell do you mean 'You know what you're doing?' You know that you're not supposed to endanger yourself to complete a mission, yet you do it anyway. I'm glad Sam told me because otherwise, I doubt I'd ever find out!."
"I don't see how what I do on missions is anything to do with you. Sam is exaggerating. I'm fine!"
As Bucky's voice raised, you started to lose focus, flashbacks of your past echoing in your mind and in his annoyance, Bucky didn't notice the way your eyes had gone distant, losing sight of the man in front of you, the man you loved, and forming the image of the man you still see in nightmares, the man you're so terrified of seeing in the street that you haven't stepped foot in Queens since leaving him.
You could almost feel the sting of his palm against your cheek, the burn of his hand, tight around your wrist, and you tried to remind yourself that it wasn't real. It had been months since you'd had an episode, and your steps to control them were hard to find with the false image of your abuser so clear in front of you.
"Are you even listening to me?" The statement dragged you back to reality and you felt yourself calm when your eyes focused in on Bucky, reminding yourself that your ex wasn't here, that Bucky wasn't like that, he would never, but as he raised his arm to push his hair out of his face, everything flew out the window and in the moment, you were 21 again and you were sure he was going to hit you, your exes face flashing behind your eyes again.
You flinched, a gasp falling from your lips as your eyes squeezed shut and your head ducked down, breathing heavily through your nose as you awaited the hit.
Time slowed.
Bucky froze completely, his eyes wide and frantic as he quickly stumbled away from you, shaking his head as self-hatred ran through his veins, disgusted at himself for making you think even in the slightest, that he would ever hurt you.
"Doll?" He sounded absolutely broken.
Your head shot up, panic flooding through you when you realised what you had done and pain replacing the feeling when you saw the agony on Bucky's face.
"Y/n, I- I would never-" He kept his voice at a pained whisper, not wanting to scare you further as he stayed at a distance.
You collapsed to the floor, sitting on your knees as the weight of the situation pulled you down. Your hands raised to cover your mouth as a sob threatened to tear through you, so fucking ashamed of what had just happened, so fucking ashamed that your ex had done this to you, and you had let him for so long, ashamed that he still haunted you.
"Babydoll I-" He struggled to find the words, terrified that he had just lost you, wanting to reach out and hold you but scared shitless of hurting you more than he already had, "I don't know what- I'm so fucking sorry y/n, I can't- I can't even fathom the thought of-"
His voice trailed off, unable to even say the words and you felt your guilt tenfold.
"N-No Bucky, I'm sorry I thought-" You struggled to speak through your crying, hot tears flowing down your cheeks as you rocked yourself gently in an attempt to self-soothe.
"Why are you apologising honey? This is on me, this is-"
"No, it isn't, I promise Buck this isn't you, it's.." You couldn't get the words out, you couldn't tell him, "Just come here, please."
You wanted him to wrap his arms around you, you needed him to know that it wasn't him, you know the way his mind works and you knew that by now he would already be drowning in guilt and self-hatred.
"I don't think that I should. I don't want to hurt you, I can't- I can't hurt you" You smiled at him gently through your tears and your chin wobbled as you saw the tears running down his cheeks too.
"It's okay. I'm okay Bucky, I just- I-I need you over here, I need you - I need you to touch me. I need you."
He was over in an instant, falling to the floor beside you and letting out a huge sigh of relief when you instantly wrapped yourself around him, tucking your head into the crook of his neck and crawling into his lap, needing to be as close to him as possible, to rid the memories of the pain, to remind yourself that his touch is good, his touch is safe.
Arms enveloped you and he held you as tight as possible, the both of you crying.
After the two of you had calmed down and a comfortable silence enveloped you, Bucky knew he would have to break it.
"Why did you think that I would hit you?" He asked, his voice tentative and gentle and you sighed, knowing that it was time for you to tell him.
"I didn't, I don't, I promise."
You lifted your head from his shoulder but still stayed on his lap, instead, resting your forehead against his.
"Then why-?"
"I thought I was better, I-I thought it was all over but I just- I lost myself again. Everything got all foggy and I lost where I was and I just, I thought I was there but-" The floodgates opened again and you knew that Bucky had no clue what you were talking about but the words just kept coming.
Bucky's eyebrows were furrowed tightly and when your vague, confusing explanation only made his worry grow, he felt himself pulling you even tighter against him.
"Doll, Did someone hurt you? Is that why you're always walking on eggshells around me? Is that what the nightmares are about?" He struggled against the words, not wanting to say them because he didn't want to believe them and he watched in agony as you swallowed hard and nodded slowly, your hands coming to rest on the back of his neck as you continued to hold your forehead against his.
He refused to let his anger show, he wouldn't do that to you, especially with you so fragile, but he couldn't hide the pained shaky breath he let out at your confession, "Fuck, I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry that that happened to you. Was it your ex? Did he hurt you?"
You nodded again, doing your breathing exercises, and calming yourself so that you could explain your situation fully to your partner.
"I should've told you, I know, I just, I'm so angry that I'm still like this, I just wish it would all go away and I could forget about what he did. I thought I was better. I can't stand that I'm still so haunted by that asshole" Bucky nodded along as you spoke, brushing his fingers up and down your back to help calm you.
"It's okay, Doll. Things like that don't just go away. Believe me, I wish they did too, but things will get better, I promise you that. Thank you for telling me."
You scoffed in self-deprecation, "I should've told you ages ago."
"That doesn't matter, you've told me now, and I'm sure it wasn't easy, so thank you for sharing" His voice was so gentle, his hands caressing your back almost making you feel sleepy.
"And Buck?" He hummed in response, letting you know that he was listening, "About the mission thing, I'm just worried about you. I can't lose you, I need you, and I need you alive."
A gentle smile lifted his frown and he nodded in understanding, feeling bad for getting mad in the first place, and you leaned back, looking down at him, your hands playing with his hair.
"I know. I'm sorry for being an idiot, It's just so hard to look at them and remember what they did to me and know what they've done to so many innocent people and I just lose it, all rationality out the window" You nodded at him, understanding how painful some of the missions must be.
"I'm sorry I got so upset with you, and I'm sorry I went to Sam instead of talking to you. Don't be mad at him, I kinda forced him to tell me" You gave him a sheepish look and he breathed out a small laugh, his nose crinkling like you always loved.
"It's okay doll, I'm sorry for being so careless and hiding the stuff about the missions, I promise I'll be more careful, I gotta make sure I always come home to my sweet girl. And don't worry about Sam, you deserved to know and I know what you're like."
You tutted at him and he smiled in response, the adorable, loving look on his face making you pull him into the sweetest, softest kiss which he instantly returned.
After sitting together in each others embrace for a while, the yawns eventually started. You were both positively exhausted from all the emotions you had both just experienced so Bucky wrapped your legs around his waist and lifted you both from the floor, discarding the groceries still left in bags in the kitchen and carrying you to bed, holding you as close as physically possible as you both drifted off to sleep.
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dkscribe88 · 4 years ago
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Tavronica Week Prompt 7: AU
And now, for my final entry for this year’s first annual Tavronica week. I decided to set it in modern times. They’re still on Thra and still Gelfling, but they’ve adopted a way of life similar to humans, including going to college and playing sports, such as ice hockey. Tavra is team captain, single, and focused on helping her team win the final game of a tournament against their rivals, lead by Tolyn. Onica is a Psychology student who recently became single and is dragged to the game by her best friend, Tae. Tavra always seemed like she would be a jock if she were real, and the only sport I really ever played was ice hockey, so I decided to write her playing it. I hope you like this last fic. It’s been a blast writing for this event, and I’m proud to say I met my challenge of 7 prompts for 7 days. Can’t wait to do it all again next year! So now, sit back and enjoy my final entry for this year. Beware, it’s the longest one yet.
The roar of the crowd was deafeningly loud throughout the halls of Ha’rar State University’s hockey stadium. Flooded with fans of both the home team, the Ha’rar State University Fighting Paladins, and visiting rivals, the Sami Thicket University Landstriders; the atmosphere was tense. It was the finals of a two-day tournament. Both top seeded teams played two games the day before, easily routing their opponents. Their head-to-head battle had always been assured, the latter two games merely a formality. Both teams stared daggers at each other whenever the Paladins locked eyes with a Landstrider. There’s bad blood between these rivals, the wound freshly opened after what had transpired a few hours before…
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Earlier in the day, the home team had arrived two hours before they were to hit the ice, hoping to do some warmup exercises in their locker room before suiting up, only to discover that the whole place had been destroyed. Bags had been dumped out, equipment strewn randomly throughout the room, and jerseys were being soaked by the showers. Their hockey sticks were no longer in the racks, and no one would have found them, had the team not experienced this sort of attack before. The Paladin’s team captain, defenseman Tavra just sighed before casting her gaze upwards, confirming that the sticks were indeed glued to ceiling.
“Sheesh, they could’ve at least come up with a more original way of wrecking our stuff. C’mon guys, cleanup positions. Ready? Go!” The team quickly got to work straightening things, accomplishing their tasks efficiently, having done so many times before. They kept a scraper and a bottle of nail polish remover taped under one of the benches for occasions such as this, which easily dissolved the super glue. It took a little longer to get everything back in order this time though, as the Landstriders had taken the time to remove the tape from their sticks before gluing them. It was a tedious task, retaping everything, but Tavra and her crew knew everything needed to be perfect, or they wouldn’t stand a chance. STU’s captain, Tolyn the Terrible, did his best to crush anyone that stood in his way, using any means necessary. The Landstriders led the league in both penalties and player ejections. They’d already given four different Gelfling concussions, ending the player’s seasons early, and in one case, ending it for good, the injury so severe it caused brain damage, forcing the player off the team and out of school altogether.
Forty minutes later, the locker room was back in usable condition. Tavra took her place in front of her team.
“Alright! Everyone get in line for warmups. First, we stretch, then after that 20 jumping jacks. When I say go. Ready? GO!”
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Meanwhile, at the campus dorm rooms…
“C’mon, Onica! It’ll be fun, I promise. The game is going to be great and there’s gonna be a sick afterparty, with lots of hot gelfs for us to hit on, so let’s go, please? You need a new girlfriend, or at least someone to take your mind off Effiny and I need to get my flirt on. It’ll be good for you to get out.” Tae had been trying to convince her friend to attend the game with her for the last few hours, not wanting to go by herself.
“But I’ve got that test coming up for my Developmental Psychology class and I haven’t even studied for it yet.” Tae rolled her eyes.
“You’ve never had to study for any of your Psych classes before. You know every bit of that material frontwards and backwards, sideways, diagonal and upside down. If that’s your best excuse my victory is assured.”
“But I won’t even be able to get into the afterparty. You have to know someone on the team to attend and I don’t, so I see no reason to go.” Tae refused to give up.
“That doesn’t matter! I told you, I know the goalie. Zili promised that if we showed up, she’d get us in. Zili’s a bit weird, which she claims is a common trait amongst goalies, but she’s also true to her word. Please, I don’t want to go alone.” Tae had been nice so far, but it was time to pull out her secret weapon. She kneeled down next to Onica’s chair, lower lip jutting out in a pout, eyes turned up in a begging fashion, glistening with small tears in their corners. Onica had to give her style points for being able to cry on demand. She tried to turn away, but there was no escaping the power of the fizzgig pout. Unable to fend off the adorably cute assault any further, Onica let out a groan.
“Ugghhh! Okay, fine! I’ll go. But you owe me. More than one.”
“Yes!” Tae jumped up, giving her roommate and best friend a hug. “Thank you so much, Oni! There’s this new guy on the team, Galen, and Zili’s promised to help me get a chance to talk to him. Oh, I can’t wait for you to see him, he’s so dreamy. He’s tall, and Sifa, like us, with some Spriton and Vapra mixed in. He’s got beautiful tanned skin and dark hair with little bits of silver here and there, ooh-hoo-hoo just the thought of him makes me quiver!” Onica gave her friend a look of disbelief and slight disgust.
“Sounds like a creep if you ask me.”
“No! No, he’s not, actually. Zili said he’s really kind and soft spoken most of the time. When he does talk, he’s so deep, and he’s got a great sense of humor, too.” Onica smiled at her then, reassured of Tae’s choice to pursue this guy.
“I can’t wait to meet him, then. I hope you find happiness this time Tae. I’d hate for you to be stuck with someone who doesn’t appreciate you.” Onica’s face turned slightly sullen, then. Tae put a hand on her shoulder.
“Are you talking about Effiny? Onica, that girl has serious issues with where her priorities lie. She didn’t know what she had, being with you. But soon, Onica, someone will come along who loves you for you, I’m sure of it. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet them tonight. So, come on. To the game!” Tae jumped into a pose, pointing dramatically towards the door. Onica gave a small laugh, before getting up and ready for the night’s activities.
The two young women made it to their seats as the two teams warmed up on the ice, each circling around their zone, while some fired pucks at the goalie, who easily blocked them all, giving Zili a confidence boost to start off with. Tavra was gliding along on her skate’s edges, keeping an eye on her own players, looking for signs that each was ready, and smirking when she found they were. She got in line to shoot then, firing right from the line in a slapshot, typical of her defensive position. She’d placed a spin on the puck, causing it to look as if it were warping in the air as it curved toward Zili’s glove side. Tavra nearly got it in, but at the last second, Zili’s eagle eyes tracked it and she caught it neatly in her mitt.
“Nice try, Captain! Maybe next time, yeah?” Zili teased her. Tavra smacked her stick against the goalie’s pads affectionately before gliding off to the back of the line, only to freeze as a sinister gaze met her own.
“Tolyn,” she whispered bitterly. The big jerk was Spriton, tall and strong, or in Tolyn’s case brutish. The sound of ice being carved sounded from behind her, letting Tavra know her two assistant captains had her back.
“That guy almost makes me ashamed to be Spriton.” Kylan muttered, glaring with all he had at the man, who only sneered back.
“Don’t let him get to you Kylan. I’ll make sure he doesn’t hurt you this time. I’d never hear the end of it from my brother if I did.”
“You’re damn right about that, Naia.” Another player had joined the assistant captains.
“Speak of the devil. Hey, Gurjin. You ready to rumble?” Naia asked her brother.
“Oh, you know it. Gotta get revenge for them breaking my poor Ky Guy’s arm.” Suddenly, the scoring siren went off, signaling the players to leave the ice as it’s resurfaced in preparation for the game’s start. The Paladin’s gathered once more into their locker room. Tavra, Kylan and Naia stood up front as everyone else kneeled, waiting to hear some inspiring words from their captain.
“Ok, we’ve got a tough game ahead of ourselves here, people. We know just as much as anyone else that the Landstriders don’t fight fair. Expect attacks from all sides and keep your guard up. Their goalie is weak on their stick side, so do your best to aim at the space between the arm and torso, as well as high on her right side. Stay away from that glove hand, it’s too good. Now raise your swords, gelfs…” Everyone’s sticks rose in the air. “Brave paladins of HSU, are you ready to defend yourselves, your honor, and your school?” The team let out their best roars of approval. “Are we ready to face the beasts in battle, skate blades sharpened, sticks taped?” Another roar resounded throughout the room. The coach signaled for the group to head out for introductions.
“Ok gelfs, charge!” The Paladins stormed out of the locker room, cheering wildly, though it was completely drowned out by the outrageously raucous crowd. The visiting team was just getting finished with their introduction.
“And, at center, the Landstrider’s leading scorer and captain of the team, number 66, Tolyn!” Loud boos overwhelmed any cheers there might have been for the Spriton center, causing him to shake his stick angrily at his many detractors.
“And now, the roster of our very own home team, the Ha’rar State University Fighting Paladins!” The crowd cheered loudly in response. “For the tertiary line, at left wing it’s number 86, Mira!” A thin Vapra girl quickly skated out on the ice, waving to her fans. “On right wing we’ve got number 18, Deet!” A Grottan girl and Rian’s girlfriend skated over to bump gloves with Mira. “And at center, number 8, the incomparable Rian!” The Stonewood skated out strong, charming all the ladies as he waved to the crowd. “For our secondary offensive line, we’ve got our newest player, number 45, Galen!” A Spriton, taller than both Kylan and Tolyn skated reservedly onto the ice. “Coming in on right wing like a thief in the night, it’s number 13, Periss!” The youngest of the team, a Dousan boy with a rakish attitude glided out, taking bows and throwing kisses as he went. “And, at center, number 7, Bold Gurjin!” The great oaf was light as a feather as he slid past his teammates, giving Kylan’s helmet an affectionate smack as he passed him. “And now for our secondary defenseman. On the right, give it up for number 3, Brea!” Tavra’s younger, bookish sister skated calmly into place, absorbing any information she could about her enemies. “And on the left, it’s number 69, ladies let out a cheer for Rek’yr!” The tattoo-faced man skated grandly into place, blowing kisses to his many lady followers, who screamed in response, one of them fainting.
“And now, everybody give it up for our starting roster. On left wing, we’ve got number 4, the mysterious and shadowy Amri!” Amri had already snuck into his place in line at this point. “On right wing, number 32, our ever-melodious Kylan!” The lanky Spriton skated calmly into place, doing his best not to be intimidated at the sight of Tolyn pretending to slash his throat, the universal bully sign for ‘you’re dead meat’. “And at center, number 17, it’s Fierce Naia!” Naia charged onto the ice, letting out a growling war cry as she bumped gloves with all her teammates, nearly knocking some of them over in her zeal. “And starting for the defense, we’ve got number 49, Ellis!” A Vapra senior a few years older than Tavra skated out. “And don’t forget his partner, your favorite player and mine, that devastating lavender tornado, the Tremendous Tavra!” The crowd got even louder somehow as Tavra regally entered the rink, smiling at her comrades and looking disdainfully over at her opponents. “And last, but certainly not least, that eccentric and crazy girl you know and love, the goalie, number 00, Zili!” Zili skated out powerfully in her heavy goalie pads, ready to protect and defend her net with all she had.
“Whoo! Yeaaayuhh, let’s do this!” Zili riled up the crowd even more, forcing the officials to wait several minutes until things died down to start. The Skarith Land’s flag was lowered down over the rink by wires, as the country’s national anthem played. Once it was over, the teams headed for their respective benches while the captains of each team came and shook hands. Tavra took her hand out of her glove, offering it to Tolyn, who merely scoffed at it and took off to his own bench. Tavra looked at Kylan and Naia.
“Well, you can’t say I didn’t try.” The three skated over to their team, who were being given a last-minute pep talk by Coach Madso.
“Alright, lads and lassies, get out there and follow the plan. Don’t let them goad you into penalties we can’t afford. Stay onside, and for Thra’s sake, protect each other. We don’t need anymore broken arms, right Kylan?”
“Y-Yes sir!”
“OK!” Tavra barked. “Sticks in!” Everyone gathered in a circle, sticks placed in the middle, pointed downward. “Paladins on three! One, two, three-”
“PALADINS!” With that, the other lines went to the bench and the starters to their places. The referee checked to make sure each goalie was ready, and the centers faced off. The puck is dropped, and the game begins!
-------
It’s late in the third period. Both teams are exhausted from holding each other to a standstill. Neither had scored so far, and the crowd was getting restless with tension. Back and forth across the ice they raced. Naia had the puck on a small breakaway, Kylan assisting her as they passed the flat black object between each other, desperate to keep it away from the Landstriders. Suddenly, Kylan got pinned to the boards as he tried to dig the puck out from the edge of the rink. The enemy player’s skate kept blocking his stick and he couldn’t twist his body the right way to get it. What Kylan didn’t see was that across the rink, Tolyn had locked onto him. He charged, barreling straight at the unwary Spriton. But just as he was about to slam the music major into the boards, something tripped him from behind. He landed flat on his face, sliding hard into the boards from his momentum. A whistle was sounded, stopping play.
“Number 17, Paladins, two minutes, tripping.” It didn’t matter that Naia had stopped Tolyn from breaking Kylan’s clavicle, she got stuck with the penalty. Now they were one gelf down, on a powerplay in the Landstrider’s favor, at the very end of the game. They only needed to last two minutes, but with Tolyn lurking out on the ice, it might as well have been two trine. Coach Madso called timeout, gathering his brave Paladins to his benchside.
“Alright my soldiers, this is what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna hold the line as best we can. I need Gurjin on right, Deet, you’re on center. Use any tricks you’ve got to be in front of that net. Tavra, Brea, you’re in at D. Tavra, you’ve got the fast slapshot. Everyone else, get the puck into the Landstrider zone, and then get it to Tavra. She and Deet will do the rest. Are we clear?” Everyone nodded. “Good. Paladins on three. One, two, three-”
“PALADINS!” The selected players went to their spots. Deet took the faceoff. When the puck dropped, Tolyn made to tackle the small Grottan to the ground, but when he aimed high, she went low, ducking beneath his arms and skating away with the puck. Gurjin plowed through his opponent, flanking Deet on the right. Tavra and Brea trailed behind, stopping just inside the Landstrider blue line. They skated circles in place, watching the puck bounce back and forth between Gurjin and Deet, trying to thwart their attackers and draw them away from the net so Tavra could get a clear shot. The clock began to wind down. The two-minute penalty passed and Naia quickly skated to the bench, where she was replaced by Amri, who drove hard into the occupied zone to help Gurjin and Deet. Deet passed to Gurjin, who was immediately dogged by Tolyn and his right wing, Lun. Pinned against the boards, all Gurjin could do was kick his leg, which he did, successfully knocking the puck along the boards and over to Amri, who slipped and slid around his attacker like a snake through wet grass. His ears perked as he heard Coach Madso cry out.
“Hey! Get it to Tavra! She’s open! Ten seconds left! Make the pass, Amri!” Amri whipped around, searching for his teammate. Tavra was in shotgun position, ready to take aim as soon as she’s given ammo. Amri flicked the puck over to her. She barely stopped it before pulling her stick back and firing it hard through the air and over the center of the ice. The goalie reached for it…It’s…It’s…CLANG! It’s deflected! But what’s this? SMACK!
The crowd waited with bated breath. Tavra stared forward, dropping to her knees.
Wee-Ooh! The scoring siren finally sounded. It’s good! Deet had indeed been waiting, and when the puck glanced off the post, she was right there with the rebound. Her teammates suddenly surrounded her, giving a group hug and patting her hard on the back, screaming they’d won. Tavra, still on her knees, looked upward, not trusting the scoreboard. It was 1-0 Home, and the clock had one tenth of a second left. The following faceoff was just a formality, as the clock ran out and the siren sounded once more, signaling the end of the game, and of the tournament. Trophies were handed out in a ceremony before everyone started to head home. But, just before the team left the ice, Gurjin shouted to the crowd:
“Victory party at Gyr Hall!” Cheers were heard as they departed to the locker room to shower and change before heading to the party. Tavra took her time cleaning up, in no rush for the festivities. All she wanted was to enjoy the energy rush she’d gotten from a game well-played. But, as team captain, she was obligated to go, at least, that’s what Naia and Gurjin said. Kylan gave her an out, but he was quickly overruled by Rian and Deet, so Tavra had no choice. She would socialize, whether she wanted to or not.
-------
“Tae, do we have to go to this thing? All that crowd noise gave me a headache.” It was Onica’s last-ditch effort to escape the party. Tae just rolled her eyes.
“You’re fine. Don’t be such a drama queen. Besides, Zili knows we’re here, we can’t just walk out on her. There she is, Zili! Over here, girl!” After meeting up with the goaltender, who was just as weird as Onica had heard, Zili escorted them over to Gyr Hall and the party held within. The voices of others were all that was heard within the crowded dorm hall. The music was still being set up, but Gurjin kept interfering to flirt with Kylan, who was in charge of tunes. Zili moved passed them, searching for the boy Tae wanted to meet with. Galen was finally spotted talking to Amri, joining them when Zili called him away.
“Alrighty. Galen, this is Tae. Tae, Galen. Ok, let’s see some love sparks fly. Go on, you two. Scoot!” The two walked off, Tae apologizing to Onica for leaving her there with her eyes. Onica sighed lightly, she knew this would happen. She opted to plop down on a vacant couch, people watching to pass the time. Twenty minutes went by, during which Onica grabbed herself a beer from a nearby cooler. She sipped the bitter liquid slowly, not desiring a buzz, but merely drinking it as something to do. Just as she’d talked herself into grabbing one more, there was shouting coming from the front street. Changing her mind on the drink, the redhead decided to see what was going on.
A tall Gelfling of Spriton descent stood in front of a group of students, some of which Onica recognized as being part of the Landstrider’s roster. They’d had their helmets off when receiving their second-place trophy.
I guess that means the one in front is Tolyn. Not the most attractive of team captains, is he…Onica thought, watching the scene unfold. More shouting was then heard coming from the dorm’s side entrance, before a group of Paladins emerged, a beautiful silver and lavender haired woman at their head. And that must be Tavra. What an attractive Silverling. Perhaps Tae was right. Maybe I should find someone else. Tavra stepped right up in Tolyn’s face, not backing down.
“This is a private engagement, my good Landstriders. Please leave, before things get ugly.” The cracking of knuckles reinforced her words, Naia’s fists providing the sound effect. Tolyn just gave a cocky grin.
“Aww…is the big, brave Paladin afraid one of us Landstriders are gonna hurt one of her friends again? By the way, Ky, how’s the arm?” Kylan grabbed his forearm, defensively pulling it to his chest.
“I-It’s fine.” Gurjin stepped in front of his boyfriend.
“Leave him be, Tolyn. You touch him, and I won’t stop at just your arm.” Kylan grabbed Gurjin before he did something foolish, attempting to calm him down. Tolyn just scoffed.
“Tch! You need to keep a better leash on your Drenchen mutt, Tavra. Kylan betrayed his own, so he’s fair game to us.”
“Oh, my Thra, he changed schools! There’s no betrayal in that. STU didn’t have a music program, so he switched. You can’t fault him for that.” Naia jumped in, standing next to her brother and further blocking Kylan from Tolyn’s wrath.
“I take back what I said,” Tolyn paused. “It looks like you’ve got two Drenchen dogs you need to teach discipline to. You really got your work cut out for you, don’t ya, Katavra.” Tavra flinched at the use of her full name. Only her mother called her that, and when it happened, it wasn’t going to be good. Tavra stared at Tolyn coldly.
“Just leave, Tolyn. You’ve had your fun. Enough is enough.” Tavra turned, attempting to end the incident, but Tolyn wasn’t of the mind to leave. Onica watched as he snuck up behind her back.
“Oh, no. H-Hey! Tavra, look out!” Onica’s warning came too little too late, as Tolyn turned Tavra by her shoulder, only to haul back and hit her right on the jaw with a sickening crack. The poor woman was knocked off her feet, saved from hitting the ground by Gurjin, as Naia charged forward with the rest of the team in retaliation. A fight broke out, the Paladins easily outwitting and out-brawling their opponents, only to chase after them as they tried to retreat. Gurjin had left Tavra with Onica, who had approached to see if she could help. The Drenchen charged into the melee, flinging Landstriders left and right. Brea came over to where her sister lay with a washcloth and ice, handing them to Onica before grabbing her phone to call campus police. The Sifa placed the ice gently to Tavra’s already swelling jaw. The dazed Silverling gazed up at her, a strange smile spread across her face.
“Hmm…I must be dead…” Onica looked at her oddly.
“What makes you say that?”
“I’ve got a beautiful, red-haired angel taking care of me. If this isn’t paradise, I don’t know what is.” Onica chuckled at the rather forward-speaking Vapra.
“Well, I’m afraid this isn’t paradise, but if you’d like, I can care for you a little while longer.” Tavra smiled at her, before suddenly pulling her in for a dazed and clumsy kiss. Onica pulled back, blushing wildly.
“I’d really like that. My name is Tavra. And what is the name of the gorgeous angel that’s caring for me, if you don’t mind my asking.” Onica blushed even further, beguiled by the Vapra girl’s charms.
“I’m-uh…I-I’m Onica.” Tavra took her hand, holding it up to her lips for a kiss nearly missing it because of her dizziness.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, my dear lady Onica. I hope we can get to know each other better, that is, once my jaw stops hurting so much. *Groan* Coach is going to be so mad at me if I can’t practice tomorrow.” Onica placed a gentle hand to the uninjured side of Tavra’s face.
“Lucky for you, my hobbies include learning traditional Sifa herbal Less side effects than regular medications. And I guarantee you’ll be up and skating by tomorrow. Now, let’s get you up and into bed.” Onica helped Tavra to her feet, the Vapra swinging an arm around the other girl’s shoulders.
“You’ve known me less than ten minutes, and already you’re trying to get me into bed. My, my, don’t you work fast.” Onica rolled her eyes, but still laughed quietly.
I think I’m beginning to like this girl. With that last, lingering thought, the two walked unsteadily into the dorm, and into a wonderful new relationship.
-DK
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thebonggirll · 4 years ago
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Chapter 21 - Hero Name
Chapter 20
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After the sports festival, Iida's big brother was all over the news. It turned out that he was attacked in Hosu City, Tokyo. The person responsible apparently already killed 17 heroes in the past, and hurt 23 heroes so badly that they were beyond recovery. He is known as the elusive hero killer, Stain. The first thing Y/N did after reaching home and hearing the news was to send him a text about her concerns. But Iida soon called her, telling her not to worry about it at all.
She knew it wasn't fine. It was the tone he was talking in. There was something different. He was upset but she couldn't push him to talk about the issue. They weren't that close and she thought that he needed some time. As if it wasn't enough that he was going through such a hard time, that the media was speaking about it daily. But that wasn’t all that they focused on.
In the days after the sports festival ended, Y/N wasn't left so alone by the paparazzi after the revelation of her identity and her family background. They were there whenever she was out with her friends, or with her family - all eager to get some reaction out of her about the viral picture of her and Todoroki. She was just glad that it wasn't as inappropriate, as she feared. But well, some of the media was ruthless as usual and so was some of the comments. While most articles about her were positive, some of them were used mainly to slander her brother and family's image. That was their target anyway. To find some kind of dirt in the entertainment industry, especially an idol that the public adored. Y/N might've been kept away from such things by her parents but she knew all about how media worked and what would make people click on their content.
But she was glad that her brother also had some really good number of fans who criticized the articles. Although her parents did have the power to take the articles down because of defamation, they didn't do it. According to Y/N's own words, she didn't want her parents to interfere or take any steps on behalf of her. That will give more ideas to the media about how "her influential family were making sure to shut them up with their power". And besides, she wasn't under their company that they will file "defamation" against them.
The next day after the sports festival, Y/N woke up in the afternoon and the first thing she did was to check the social media, ofcourse. Her phone was blowing up. She gained a good number of followers but then she did notice the viral pictures and videos.
Todoroki was melting the ice stuck on her feet and holding onto her waist and balancing her weight. After a moment when the ice was halfway melted, Todoroki hugged her close, making sure she didn't fall on her ass and cause anymore injury. Her head slowly moved forward and rested on his chest. When he was done melting the ice, the medical team came and took her in.
Oh, these pictures and videos had some creative headlines too.
'Endeavor's son and Y/L/N's daughter gives off a cinematic ending!' , 'Todoroki melts ice for Y/N, along with our hearts! ' , 'A new bubbling love in hero course.'
And ofcourse, the comments under it. Some were really nasty - nitpicking on her physical appearance, her flaws, how she's not cut out for hero course, how she could've been better as an idol like Haruto. But some were really good - appreciating her powers, her incredible moves on Iida and Shiozaki, how she was the only girl on the top three position.
She avoided meeting with Shinsou in fear of getting him dragged in another controversy, but they did start talking. Although, she knew she had to give a statement about all the rumors and she was more than ready to give a piece of her mind. She talked to Todoroki about it and apologized for involving him in anything like this. One thing that she learned from her attempt to befriend Shinsou for her benefit is that "communication is the key" and apologizing helps lighten the burden of carrying a guilt.
And obviously, class 1-A group chat was filled with her classmates teasing both of them except for some like Tokoyami, Momo and Bakugou.
After her little bold statement on her way home, she felt a bit shy to talk to him again. Yes, she did look at him with her cheeks going red but she knew she needed to do this. So that Bakugou couldn't suspect anything. He would be suspicious if she avoided looking at him completely.
But the thing is...it felt like even Bakugou was avoiding speaking to her. It just became awkward. She didn't know how to start talking and he had no idea what to talk or tease her about when he knew the kind of reaction he had on his face, the time she left.
He was blushing, but he wasn't sure if she noticed it. If she did, it would definitely feel awkward talking to her. And for Bakugou to feel like this was a first for him. He never felt awkward to talk to someone. He always had one outburst and it was enough for the other person to talk back to him. They were always fighting and teasing each other, sure, but it turned out to be difficult when both of them spoke their minds for the very first time to each other. They spoke sincerely with each other and he was aware of that.
When Y/N entered the class, her friends weren't teasing her about the incident anymore when they learned how it upset her. She looked at her seat and the blonde sitting before her, who was looking out of the window, his face resting on his hand.
She quietly walked and sat down with a sigh leaving her lips. Kyoka along with Midoriya joined to talk to her.
"So? How did it go? What did you say to the reporters?" Kyoka asked.
"When I came out of the house, some of the reporters were already there, so I just decided to listen to them for once. Besides, it looked like some of these reporters were rookies. And I just said that he is a friend and because I was in a bad situation, he just decided to help me out. And that was what any hero would've done in their situation. If he is going to be a hero, then he will help millions of people out there," Y/N said, "And I said, instead of following around an idol's sister for a topic that most of the public won't care about unless it involves my family, they should concentrate on other news. They would never get a hot topic out of me."
"And that's it right? You didn't go overboard with your rant right?" Midoriya questioned her nervously.
"....No."
"You fucking did, didn't you?" Kyoka sighed, furrowing her brows.
"Look it wasn't too harsh and they did infact leave me alone. I just said that all those companies that made articles like this are all listed by Haruto's agency and they know now exactly who are after to slander their image or make money out of misinformations. It would take them one word from me and my parents to file a restraining order against all of them and get police protection if they further continue to follow me or are seen anywhere near our neighborhood. I was polite."
"Darling, you need to understand that you are pretty fucking rude even when you talk politely. You'll be lucky if they don't hate you after that." Kyoka said.
"Nah, I just asked them to work on something they are genuinely passionate about. Not only would they enjoy it, they will also make sure it is done perfectly. And I am sure their news agency would appreciate the work when it's done. I just gave them some pep talk and support, that's it. Besides, I'm sure they didn't become journalists to stalk some celebrity's sister."
"Does everyone in our class talking about themselves getting famous bother you?" Midoriya asked.
"What? No, ofcourse not. Dude, even I enjoy some attention. You know, about my abilities and stuff. But not this much where they'll follow me everywhere. That shit is annoying."
The door opened and Aizawa walked in saying, "Morning."
"Ribbit, Mr. Aizawa you don't have bandages anymore. That's good news." Tsuyu said.
"The old lady went a little overboard in her treatment. Anyway, we have a big class today on Hero Informatics," Aizawa replied, "You need codenames. Time to pick your hero identities. This is related to the pro hero draft picks the last time we were in class together. Normally students don't have to worry about their draft yet, not until they're in the second or third year actually. But your class is different. Infact, by extending offers to first years like you, pros are investigating on your potential. Any offers can be resended if their interest in you dies down before graduation."
"So what you're saying is that we've still got to prove ourselves after we gotten recruited?" Toru asked.
"Correct." Aizawa said and turned around, "Now here are the totals for those of you got offers."
The board didn't have everyone's name. Ofcourse, Todoroki and Bakugou got the most with 4123 and 3556 offers respectively. And then there was Y/N Y/L/N with 1812 offers. She didn't expect much because of the recent rumors and fainting during the fight, but half of her knew some would contact her in the hope of getting exposure and fame.
And she just needed some information from her parents about which hero agency is associated with which other companies, if she wanted to work on her skill. Oh yeah, Y/N wanted to work on her quirk control. She needed to know more about her quirk.
"In past years it was more spread out. But there's a pretty huge gap this time." Aizawa said.
"Todoroki got the most ahead of Bakugou?" Kyoka commented.
"Yeah, it's the opposite of how they were placed in the festival." Kirishima said.
"They probably weren't eager to work with a guy who had to be chained up in the end." Sero said.
"If I scared a pro, they're just weak!" Bakugou yelled, as expected.
"Nah, I think most of them just find you hard to deal with." Y/N muttered.
"I can hear you bastard!" Bakugou said, looking at her. She looked back up, trying her best to suppress her smile, relieved that not much has changed between them. Bakugou looked at her expression and it reminded him of what they talked about. Within two seconds, he whipped his head back and was staring at Aizawa.
Aizawa continued, ignoring the comments, "But every single one of you have to work under a hero. Eventhough you have an idea of how villains attack, working alongside of proheros is good for experience and knowledge how things work. And for that you need hero names. Keep in mind, this these hero names are going to be temporary. But take them seriously, or -"
"-you'll have hell to pay later." Midnight completed his sentence and walked in the class.
Aizawa took out his sleeping bag and said before getting in, "Midnight's going to have final approval over your names. It's not my forte."
Y/N looked at the white board passed on to her by Bakugou in front of her. She took it and passed the rest back. Looking around the class, she observed some done in seconds while some staring at the white board. She knew that if she named herself something awful, it might be stuck with her forever, especially when media has a few eyes set on her. A number of people went before her, but she finally found a name. Something that described her quirk and, well, she heard a conspiracy theory about it. Slowly, Y/N raised her hand as Midnight called her.
She blushed looking at the whole class staring at her and said, "I-I like the name - Europa." She immediately heard Midnight's enthusiastic voice reacting to her choice of hero name, and felt relieved.
"Excellent choice! You named it after Jupiter's moon which has an ocean of liquid water beneath the ice?"
"Yes ma'am." She smiled in contentment and went back to her seat.
She peeked from behind Bakugou's shoulder trying to look at his name. He immediately shot his head back and looked at her with a frown, feeling her presence. He was finding it difficult to come up with a name.
"What?" Y/N asked with an innocent face.
"Don't put that crap in front of me grandma."
"...I told you to stop calling me that." Y/N smacked his shoulder lightly.
Bakugou didn't react to it and got up to present his hero name, King Explosion Murder, which amused Y/N and she hid her face, trying not to laugh out loud. He was told to change it but once again, he just changed the word King to Lord.
Aizawa got out from his sleeping bag, and rearranged the forms saying, "Now that everyone has decided on their hero names, we can go back to talk about your upcoming internships. That will last for one week. As for who you'll be working with, those of you are mentioned on board and got offers will get to choose from them. Everyone else will have a different list. You've a lot to think about. There are around 48 agencies around the country who've agreed to take on interns from your class. Each agency has a different specialty that it's heroes focus on, keep that in mind. So think carefully and turn in your choices before the weekend. You're dismissed."
After putting much thought about what agency to join, she decided to take on the offer from the Aquamarine Agency near Tokyo Bay. She did some research and found out the kind of agency it was. Since Tokyo is a busy city, there are agencies that handle small parts of the city. And the biggest agency working to keep the waters of Tokyo Bay safe was this particular agency. Since it is a big city, there's also a few murders and deaths that the agency has to inform to the police. And often they have to fight villains to avoid such instances. The risk was high, but if Y/N wanted to put effort on controlling her quirk and learning about strength, offensive techniques as well as the defensive ones, she had to work here.
It wasn't so surprising for her to find that Bakugou joined the No.4 Hero Jeanist. She figured, he would join something that was top dog, something that dealt with more fights. Midoriya got one offer from someone and he wanted to join, because he trained All Might as well. Kyoka joined Death Arms Hero Agency and Todoroki joined Endeavor. She guessed it was Midoriya's influence that made him finally be able to handle stuffs about his father maturely. But the one that bugged her the most was Iida's choice of agency. She didn't know whether it was just a coincidence but she had every reason to doubt considering the location of the agency was Hosu City.
Maybe she was just overthinking, but Y/N felt something was going on with Iida. Midoriya and Ochaco told him to talk to them when everyone was at the station with their luggage, leaving for their internship. He replied with just a 'yes' and left.
His smile should've been enough to convince them, but it wasn't. His body language was screaming the exact opposite.
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Chapter 22
SEASON - II
Ignite
MASTERLIST
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tags: @captncappuccino​
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davidjjohnston3 · 3 years ago
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The trees are straight and true here, and the help comes without seeming harpoons.  I considered some insane things which were ‘above my pay-grade’ and as is my wont reflected on the state and implications of my former profession and what old friends and pharons meant to me.  Right now think that my core goal in life is not to blow myself up.  As a former would-have-been SecState said, ‘I love so many people.’  I am only sad that trying as I did to uproot that carrot of love just now could have resulted in the demolition of an entire root-network, of at least my own excision therefrom.
‘Some people’ want revenge against life for not going their way or not being the color or fragrance or face shape they like or feel it ought to be - ‘no that is not what I meant at all.’  They will never hold a life reliable which doesn’t resemble their ideal, imago, or ‘soul-idol’ &c.  The meaning of the name ‘Cordelia’ as in King Lear is something like ‘heart’s ideal.’  I was driving and considering a novel that I feel touched absolute supreme greatness without knowing it or in a way that could mislead some readers Mrs. Mary HK Choi’s Yolk a novel I looked forward for a very long time.  I had all these references and fractal coreferences and forgot about actual birds, like what does the chick eat in the egg.
‘Blood is the life’ - I liked etymologies for a long time and my intellectualism caused me acute trouble in Confirmation Class at Morrow Memorial United Methodist Church in about 1998.  ‘Pastor’ Gretchen taught us the word root ‘consacramentum’ which comes from dipping the hand in blood in the concave of a Roman shield - those huge rectangular shields which could be used in formation as ‘testudo’ or turtle to stop projectile weapons and allowed soldiers to make pin-point stabbing attacks from a ‘matrix(?)’ of high protection.  I forget what kind of animal was killed to pool the blood in the shield but it might have been a rabbit.
I was reading ‘Revelation,’ I don’t recall what everyone else was talking about.  Some kind of community service project, interview your parents, buy a wedding-magazine and make a whole plan for how you would get married and how much it would cost (and while you’re at it describe how you would 1) restore a classic Shelby Cobra using newspaper and Krazy Glue 2) drive foresaid drop-top to the Moon).  
The Pastor was a pipe-smoker named ‘Painter’ who used the NY Lotto’s ‘Hey you never know’ slogan to describe sth like Pascal’s Wager; OTOH St. Paul teaches us that everyone is born knowing God exists (Romans).  The problem is that people fail or omit to glorify Him or subsequently ruin or betray their own best efforts through blasphemy, turning or falling away, cowardice, denial, attachment to certain sins or being ‘yoked unequally’ with non-believers.  
I reflected starting in 2008 that I was shy of my ‘first love’ (rather, the woman I fell in love with at 14); at the time I gloried or reveled in the shyness like a Wallace Stevens poem that ends, ‘And not to have written a book.’  I could’ve written a few books by now or walked away from book-writing or changed my mind / specified which kind of book I might have written and for whom.  
I remember always admiring the ‘magic’ of literature and feeling sad I had no characters or world of my own to work magic with.  Star Wars and my own life and later much else supplied ‘materia poetica’ and till the point that I began to think in fiction and became addicted to interpreting my own in ‘story-ideas’ although that is not to say that what happened around me didn’t happen.  
America is trying to become a better country in numerous valences, loving our neighbors, holding each other accountable.  ‘Justice’ with or without the marks is important.  It is a divine Judgment that Covid fell on the world even if eventually we all shall learn who devised the virus or leaked it or modulated its mutations.  I was eager to rejoin the world feeling I might overcome my mental illness but I mishandled specific questions and tests.  I ended up turning people against me and creating monsters more than ever as well as perhaps terminally sabotaging any chance I might’ve had of fulfilling a dream or making good on the past.  I have a lot of opinions on the CCP but should’ve focused on love and family and personal responsibilities as in the past or at least held to my long-standing feeling that Chinese people deserve better rather than associating myself with hard-liners and racists or those who would simplify issues in order to bring about ultimate victory without temperance or concern for the side-effects.
In Milwaukee where I lived for far too long everyone’s spirit - electric, intellectual, visory(?), informational et cetera seemed to be militating against everybody else’s.  There were fake vaccines, radioactive ice cream (or thermogenic ice-cream), gun-battles as usual, lines crossed, all kinds of scores that people tried to settle.  I also realized that the police were probably tracking for years my various attempts to obtain weapons from samurai-swords to handguns though the purpose was defensive and I can only trust at this point that some good lawyer will prevent the bad lawyers and cops from presenting the most damning circumstantial case they could.  People in Milwaukee own AK-47′s, automatic shotguns, probably all kinds of explosives, improvised chemical weapons and (’our Black brothers’ - Schopenhauer) biological weapons - the cops don’t stand a chance that I can tell and even the National Guard perhaps could get outclassed by retired military.  I had told myself for years that it was only the ghetto’s that bore witness to this paramilitary equipage and that the retired SEAL Team 4 member with the ‘Stop Socialism’ and ‘Jobs Not Mobs’ sign on his front lawn would protect me from the Maoist-Covid Night of the Long Knives but I feel I tempted God a lot in the past.  
I read all these books and took to heart that people thought I was just entertaining myself with but now as then I should’ve guarded my heart or not begged the question of what others thought about me or saw in me.  I literally felt of late ‘I am the anti-Christ’ - good-looking at times, preach world peace, ‘form of godliness,’ want to be friends with everyone, build bridges - and had to rack my brains to come up with an ‘anti-Christology’ and science / concept of the Whore of Babylon just to make sure it was more than me alone.  I also wished to simplify my past and help kids ‘get life right the right time’ doing battle with philosophies that opposed this consciously or otherwise but stepped into numerous minefields and also tried running when I should’ve flown over.  
Everyone’s trying to get rich and build back better and I profoundly admired the American President for doing, finally, apparently, what presidents had tried to decades even as I remember ‘Flowers 1881′ a poem that implies that basically teachers can do only so much before turning their kids loose in a world no one has yet fixed and which others keep breaking; from a California almanac that also instructed me that the same old debates and cross-fires and burdens plague teachers as always, not that it is an ‘impossible profession’ but honestly that God won’t let us establish Heaven on Earth or at least not me or at least not America or at least not teachers who savor the experience of being a teacher or the beauty of their students more than the outcomes or commitment or intrinsic value of the work or the confirmed identity / vocation / personhood of the instructor.  There are always new and old at any rate and different cultures all describe the teacher as needing to keep both alive; as do descriptions of higher education and scholarship.  
I questioned my qualifications / background and wondered about re-training but can’t afford tuition anywhere so I am trying to cling to the core of my capabilities / blessings.  ABC and XYZ.  The glory of the soul or souls.  
I kept theorizing Russian literature as well as weapons-systems and ultimate destiny, sailing ships, noble names, divisions, the flaming sword of Archangel Gabriel, the mission of Russia today with respect to the world order.  I am also simply trying to be healthy and stop for a while trying to parse out who was the love of my life or what it still left in terms of action or redemption or justice or surrender or mitigation or meeting new friends or propounding the kind of understand with carefulness I have believed in - ‘saving people from themselves.’  Driving up here I remember being distressed at a gas-station in California when I was about 5 or 6 since the pump was leaking, being very upset with my parents and family.  In those days I also disliked animal-cruelty though the world today seems so depraved and deprived with respect to human interests I would make no bones about neglecting most all animals outside of military or police use.  When I was about 3 I saw white kids set a frog on fire; my mother has a history of running over cats.
I dislike winging it and taking risks.  There is a song I call to myself ‘Run Away’ though its title is ‘Paradise.’  I am not a utopian communist for believing in secular justice and its instrinsic value... I wonder whether when I helped people in the past there were always strings attached or maybe I was just trying to close my case and discharge my responsibilities too rapidly without allowing others to gestate or make an abode in my heart besides and beyond what I could get out of them, glorifying myself, or tell others about.  
What is motherhood?  What is travail?  Is there a kind of problematic ‘female gaze’ as feminists talk of a ‘male gaze’ associated with sadism or fascination / fetishism?  It’s psychology which is not my first love at all since it appeared pretentious and distracting and retarding (in the literal sense of slowing down).
I also remembered reading various things about Victor Hugo whose ‘93′ is an important novel today due to its techno-utopianism, feminism or ‘new model egalitarianism,’ fusion of revolution and religion, etc.  But I had forgotten ‘Les Miserable’ with its themes of ransom or eventual recompense, genealogies, caution, and more none of which is to negate the various complains against me or death-warrant from China or my parents with their partial private readings of Proverbs (’Let’s stone David for embarrassing us / not doing precisely what we want’ - no mention of witnesses, tribunals, questions, mitigation-hearings, actual counsels of judges etc. but just American-German ‘coalitions of the willing’ ‘run and get my gun’ ‘team-building’ etc. which in my experience ends with tanks on the street and military dictatorships as when at the end of the CultRev PLA regulars were gunning down former justice-fanatics who’d been stripping women, kicking pregnant stomachs etc. as in The Vagrants).  Naturally having grown up in a family fascinated with Lee Kwanyew and Arnold Schwarzenegger and conflicted about ‘fascism’ I had reservations about the United States’ ability to suddenly dress up and ‘stand at perpetual moral attention’ but I guess my own problems are just that I am poor with a rich kid’s mind and no one really likes me except strangers and faraway friends who were easily spooked and/or just couldn’t be there.  ‘King of South shall attack and King of North shall crush them  with chariots &c.’ - in the end righteous will prevail whichever side of the line I end up on in the final assessment.  I also remembered today a novel called ‘The Old Capital’ about a bad artist father, a virgin daughter, straight and true pines.  Some other aspects of this novel are silly as well as criminally problematic and there's a lot of that going on in new-old old news America / Babylon or at least to quote my favorite lawyer / leave lawyering movie 'First let's get out of Milwaukee.'  Miss the land of June snow. 
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moon-yean · 4 years ago
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could u elaborate what was so bad about the barbarians? i saw the show and thought it was ok but i don't have enough knowledge to know what are the ideological implications of it? sorry, just really curious and wanna learn more
*takes a deep breath* oh boy, where to even begin? Thanks for your question as I might finally get this off my chest! Okay, fair’s fair, anyone who likes the show should look away now because I’m not going to mince words. And I want to reiterate that there were things about the show that I liked, mostly on a superficial aesthetical level. Generally you could tell from the get-go though that the writers are hacks who know nothing about history or good storytelling for that matter. I could’ve dealt with a show that was historically inaccurate if only the character drama had been written well. I might also have enjoyed the show more if the character drama had been mediocre but if there had been a sense of historical authenticity (not accuracy, mind; but still something tangibly more substantial than the patina they tried to throw onto their frankly embarrassingly lowbrow attempt by having parts of the dialogue translated into Latin by an expert and by hiring a good crew for the costume and props design - of the Romans at least... putting lipstick on a pig and all that, although pigs are great and the writing here is not).
Since you asked about the ideological implications specifically, I’ll start with that and work my way towards other criticisms (this is going to be LONG):
19th century nationalism: The story of Arminius and his merry band of brothers who defy the big bad Roman empire is a narrative that became especially popular in Germany in the 18th and 19th century, both with liberal patriotic movements that were advocating for the unification of the “German cultural nation” in a modern nation state (spurred by the Wars of Liberation against Napoléon Bonaparte and French occupation) and later with the völkisch movements where that nationalism segued into the pseudo-scientific racial ‘theories’ of a ‘superior German race’ which in turn was part of the ideological foundation of the genocides and atrocities committed by Germany in the 20th century (not only in WWII, see also the colonial genocide of the Herero in 1904). We cannot disentangle this predominantly racist reception history that re-invented Arminius (”Hermann der Cherusker” - “Hermann the Cheruscan” - or, indeed “Hermann the German” ha!) as the founding myth of a German people from the way this story has been depicted in media, entertainment and culture and, as evidenced by Barbarians, continues to be to this day.
Barbarians pays lip service to the fact that actually there was no German people at the time by having the tribes meet at the Ting in the first episode and have someone outright state it. These kinds of tidbits literally voiced by characters give off a strong whiff of the authors googling something, reading something on Wikipedia, and then putting it in there. I’m sorry (actually not sorry) to come down harsh on this but given what we’re talking about here, that’s just not good enough. It’s an embarrassing level of “writing”. The authors clearly have NO idea what they’re talking about or what they’re dealing with because despite their lip services, they actively reproduce the harmful narratives that were spun around this actual historical event and these actual historical figures in the 19th century. No effort was made to depict anything complex or realistic here. Case in point: Even though there’s a pretense that the tribes aren’t part of the same people, they don’t look much different from each other, they all speak the same kind of modern high German that sounds like they’re at a costume party in the year of our lord 2020 (and in the case of Folkwin, drugged out of their mind; he sounds like a guy who’d throw beer cans at passersby). They come across as basically just being separated by the few acres between their villages. And then when the big bad evil Roman empire wants to squash their resistance (Asterix did it better change my mind challenge), freedom fighter Arminius rallies them together with a heroic speech and they charge at the Romans RAAHWWHR! ... no, just no.
There would have been SO MANY ways to reframe and retell this story in a fresh, new, and exciting way that would have made for amazing character drama. The premise is so good. If we were to look at the basics of what is known, there are so many personal AND political complexities in there that just beg to be coloured in with a little imagination. I just... I don’t even know where to begin to fix the choices that the show did go with since most of them don’t make any sense, don’t contribute anything to the narrative and are just. there. Have y’all noticed that there is ZERO dramatic tension in any of the scenes? Like, what? How?? Culture clash, divided loyalties, identity issues, the way that a militaristic upbringing might warp the mind, feelings of home and belonging and displacement, the return of the lost son, the betrayal of a high-ranking officer, just, there are so many themes that the show could have focused on but it botches all of them, nothing of it feels real, earned, or logical. Characters behave in idiotic ways for the sake of the plot (I wanted to like Thusnelda, I really did, I’m always here for female characters but she was so painfully obviously written by 3 dudes who thought that feminism = praying to the good sisters of the forest and slashing your face aöldksfaökdjf plus the actress could not sell any of it, she sounded ridic).
I’m exhausted just thinking about the many ways in which the writing on the show sucked. Impaired character used as a symbol~ for other characters instead of being a character on his own? Check. Weird mystical shit? Check. Earthbound tribal people who are one with nature? Check. Death on the cross to get that Christian imagery in there? Check. Lack of female characters except feisty!badass!Thusnelda, scheming!conniving!pulling-the-strings!wife, weird!mystical!seer? Check. Varus doing a Herod by demanding first-borns to up the Christian persecuted ante? Check. (All he was missing was the mustache to twirl. Was he even a character? He looked vaguely concerned and sceptical. That was his character.)
Look, the actor Arminius was great but even he couldn’t make sense of any of it. The character work was so shoddy, it was shocking. One minute he’s still all-in with the Romans, ordering lashes for “German” mercenaries without being very conflicted about it, reminiscing with fellow Roman soldiers about the good old times in some fireside bonding, asking his foster father to go home to Rome, and then when bad!dad is like “lol no” (surely they would have had that convo before??? surely Arminius would have known how far his career could go???), Arminius turns around and goes “let’s kill 3 Roman legions!! I’M MAD!!” ... lmao dude, just...
Another favourite of mine: The romance between Thusnelda and Folkwin is supposed to be illicit and against her social status. Does anyone even notice? Does anybody even care? Why did the writers come up with Folkwin in the first place? (His name Folkwin Wolfspeer is a hoot and an embarassment in itself. I wonder whether they used some kind of Germanic name generator. They certainly did use a generic speech generator for the battle speech Arminius gives in the last episode lol)
Back to the topic of a lack of tension. Of course there can’t be any tension if the characters suck. But it’s also because of the design of the scenes and plot points. The cliffhangers are so telegraphed and artificially constructed, it’s almost hilarious. My “favourite” has got to be the one of the first episode: The “hi dad” one. Not only does Arminius go to the village with other Romans in tow who then disappear because nothing in this show makes sense but this kind of revelation also goes against everything we know about good storytelling. There’s a famous quote by Hitchcock and I’ll quote it in full because I think it absolutely applies here (and it is valid for character tension as much as it is for suspense):
There is a distinct difference between "suspense" and "surprise," and yet many pictures continually confuse the two. I'll explain what I mean.
We are now having a very innocent little chat. Let's suppose that there is a bomb underneath this table between us. Nothing happens, and then all of a sudden, "Boom!" There is an explosion. The public is surprised, but prior to this surprise, it has seen an absolutely ordinary scene, of no special consequence. Now, let us take a suspense situation. The bomb is underneath the table and the public knows it, probably because they have seen the anarchist place it there. The public is aware the bomb is going to explode at one o'clock and there is a clock in the decor. The public can see that it is a quarter to one. In these conditions, the same innocuous conversation becomes fascinating because the public is participating in the scene. The audience is longing to warn the characters on the screen: "You shouldn't be talking about such trivial matters. There is a bomb beneath you and it is about to explode!"
In the first case we have given the public fifteen seconds of surprise at the moment of the explosion. In the second we have provided them with fifteen minutes of suspense. The conclusion is that whenever possible the public must be informed. Except when the surprise is a twist, that is, when the unexpected ending is, in itself, the highlight of the story.
I hope you can see what I mean here. Barbarians continuously springs surprises on its audience but it has absolutely no tension/suspense in any of its scenes. The only time where the show even comes close to having any kind of genuinely dramatic moment is the conversation between Arminius and Varus where Arminius tries to hide his hurt and disappointment, and all the emotion in that scene is completely due to the actor since the dialogue is fairly idiotic for what is supposed to be the turning moment. Let’s go back to the basics and imagine what the show could have done differently, even allowing for the way in which the writers wanted to tell it (which, as I mentioned, is not appropriately sensitized to the misappropriation of the material in the past - but even if we go with THAT kind of freedom fighter / lost child narrative, it ought to be done well). And here now follows my actual essay of grievances:
The premise of the story, in as much as we know from history, is amazing: An officer of the Roman army, delivered to the Romans by his tribe as a child, returns to the "country" of his birth as part of the invading Roman army which oppresses the natives of the lands. He switches sides, unites different tribes and leads them to a decisive victory against the Roman army in a battle in a forest that lasted for several days and was cleverly planned by the "Germans" who end up outsmarting the Romans who are victims of ambush and the terrain, being split up and stumbling through the forest exhausted and without finding a way back to the other troops (love that the show as we have it managed to squeeze in the cliché "two armies standing on opposing sides decide to just start running towards each other, epic clash, chaos" (which is militarily so fucking stupid and nobody ever did that)).
Anyway, that premise is amazing. You could do so much with it. And if you wanted to make a miniseries about it, the biggest question would surely be: Why did Arminius switch sides? That’s the key plot point. And themes of otherness, oppression, exploitation, identity, and so on, would be a good fit. The first problem with the miniseries is that it has nothing to say about any of that. Arminius doesn’t even feel like the main character (aside from his actor being a cut above the rest). We don’t get to see much of his POV. We don’t get many meaningful conversations between him and Varus (actually just one after which he has a total character transplant). Instead, we get to spend lots of time with characters that don’t add anything in particular to the central plot nor to any of the central themes. Literally, why? 6 episodes is already pretty fucking short to make Arminius’ turn believable, so you’d better spend most of them on him. This is not material for an ensemble show (nevermind that the other characters suck and are not well-acted and written to behave stupidly... that’s just ON TOP of the fundamental issue of this show lacking a POV).
Like, you can turn this into a big Hollywood action movie about the battle or you make it a character drama where the battle is also told from a character perspective (i.e. focusing on the mounting fear and desperation of the soldiers as the battle drags on for days etc but more importantly focusing on why the battle takes place and why it’s important to both the Romans and the “Germans”). As it is, in the show, we don’t get any idea why the Romans are even there in the first place and pestering the people by demanding some tributes. And we don’t get any idea why the Germanic tribes are so opposed to this or why others of them might not be. We don’t get any of the broader political implications, we just get some eagle-stealing pranks (defiance!! cool, just agitate them in a completely stupid and arbitrary way, why don’t you) and a few people executed because the “Germans” were being stupid. That’s not the scale that’s needed here. And I don’t mean that we needed to see mass executions. In fact, I would have preferred if there had been no such hackneyed and emotionally manipulative device.
Arminius is basically absent for all the early encounters of the Romans with the “Germans”. So while we suspect that the mistreatment of the “Germans” at the hands of the Romans would be a strong motivational factor for him, we don’t actually see him witness any of few hints in that direction that we get, so it doesn’t actually matter for his character arc. I have so many issues with how his arc is written. In the first episodes, we don’t get any sense that he’s not a happy Roman. When a “Barbarian” mercenary ridicules Rome, he has him whipped and we don’t get much of a sense that he’s very conflicted about it. Even just moments before he ends up destroying his effigies of Roman gods, we see him trying to get Varus to send him back to Rome. Earlier in the same episode, he prays to those Roman gods. I’m sorry but wtf? How the turntables... If you want to make it believable that he would turn on Rome, why not start with him already being frustrated with the way that things in Rome work? With the way the army is run? And why not give him a careerist streak and make him frustrated that he can’t advance much further because of his lowly birth and background? And instead of Varus being an asshole to him about it (he’s supposed to be his foster father, surely Arminius would already know how Varus thinks about his people and surely he’d already know how far he can climb up the ranks), have Varus be sympathetic but basically like “sorry, there’s nothing I can do.”
Arminius betraying Rome shouldn’t be about Varus saying something mean~, if anything a personal connection of his with Varus should just make the betrayal harder and be something that he does despite the fact that there are Romans he cares about. If you start out the show with him already having significant doubts about his place in the Roman army and identity issues, you just need to add something to it that will finally breaks the camel’s back. Have him become increasingly agitated by the way the "Germans” are treated by the Romans. Start the show with him making to leave Rome, someone asking him whether he’s excited to return to his place of birth and him joking about it but obviously being conflicted and then overwhelmed when he actually gets there because it totally destroys his sense of self which he has built for himself (and for which we would have needed to see the contrast, even if just for one scene, of how he is treated in Rome – perhaps snobbed by others, not treated equally in some sort of social setting, could be something subtle – to show us and him that as much as he wishes, he is not and will never be accepted as a Roman).
And then when he gets to the provinces, we need to see that from his perspective. What’s his reaction to arriving there? To seeing the familiar landscapes? (Or maybe he was taken as a younger child and doesn’t actually have that many memories of it but feels a sense of belonging anyway.) There are so many scenes in this show that seem to hint at these things but they are completely random and unfocused and interspersed with the stupid village people shenanigans. Varus talks about burning down villages in retribution. Well, why don’t we see any of that? (Nevermind that it’s comic book villain level of evil, but I’m working with a fix here and not a total rewrite as would be better.) Surely it can’t be too expensive to burn down a few huts in the night. And having Arminius ride along / witness it but not say anything even though we can see these things having an effect on him. As mentioned: The worst offense is the scene when he rides to the village (with other Romans in tow!) and announces “hi dad!” just to have that cliffhanger. Wtf?
Characters doling out information that the viewer doesn’t have is the absolute worst way of telling a story and maintaining tension. It should be the other way around. How about instead you have him be part of a Roman delegation that rides into the village and demands [random, whatever, the fucking eagle if you must keep that shit] and when the Reik (whom the audience already knows to be Arminius’ father) doesn’t want to give it (because he’s not actually a weak fucking clown as almost everyone in the actual show is aside from feisty Thusnelda who’s a fierce~ fucking clown rmfe), the Romans begin beating the dad or whipping him or whatever, completely humiliating him and his people, and we see Arminius on his horse watching the show with growing unrest until the realization really hits him that this is his father (cue flashback to a very young Arminius being dragged away) and the tension keeps ratcheting until he shouts in German “that’s enough” before correcting himself to give the same command in Latin (maybe he still thinks in German, would be an interesting idea) and the Romans look at him with suspicion, like wtf was that, and the "Germans” are like, why tf does this Roman officer speak German, and it’s super awkward and shit and maybe Varus is also there and he looks at Arminius like, oh shit I need to protect my boy he’s actually all up in his feels about these wildlings let’s go back to the camp and have a talk, and so the Romans end up leaving and the “Germans” are like “wait, was that... could it have been.. remember lil Ari who you gave up... but it couldn’t be...” and meanwhile the beaten dad doesn’t want to hear any of that because he actually has never dared hope he would see his son again and also he kind of doesn’t want to see him again because he would be too ashamed to meet his eyes.
And then later we see Arminius pacing up and down in his tent because this won’t let him go, even after he had a talk with Varus, and after some agonizing he steals away in the night to go confront his father (if you want to keep that German mercenary noticing shit, have him notice that). And then we see the father in his hut and everything is quiet and we are waiting for Arminius to show up because we know he’s on his way. But we don’t know whether he wants to talk to his father or just kill him in revenge for the trauma he’s caused him. You’d show the dad and if it were a good actor, you could see so much in his unrest, maybe despite not wanting to think that that guy could be his son, he kind of knows in his heart that it must be and he’s unsettled and whatnot and then we hear someone outside the door and the door opens and there stands Arminius in a cloak and there’s none of that ridiculous music that wants to scream “epic” but falls way short. Have it be quiet. Have Arminius enter and pull back the hood and they just look at each other. And the dad looks like he wants to hug him but he doesn’t move. And Arminius looks like he wants to murder him but he actually moves to sit down, all the while they keep an eye on each other because who knows, they might actually end up murdering each other. That’s the kind of confrontation you need with a reunion like this jfc. And then they talk and it’s an important scene and I’m not going to write it all out but I hope y’all know what I mean.
I feel like you’d have to rewrite this whole show to actually give the character drama the weight that it needs and deserves because what’s happening in the show is dramatic af but you wouldn’t know because it’s so unbelievably stupidly written. I CANNOT believe that when Arminius is back in the village, he’s standing around with Thusnelda and Folkwin in a field as if they’re catching up at a high school reunion. “So, how’s it been?” “My name is now Arminius lol” “You’re kidding lol” ... uhm hello ??? Is this show a meme or...???
Actually as a last thought, I would have kept Arminius’ mother alive and killed his dad. His dad is irredeemable. He gave him away. But if we assume that he never had a substitute mother, then meeting his mother again (who was against giving him away) would make for much more interesting scenes and would also have a much stronger impact on Arminius. I’ll stop now but I just wanted to note how much I hate the writing on this show and everything it chooses to be. Thanks.
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solecize · 6 years ago
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.  .  .  𝑩𝑨𝑳𝑨𝑵𝑪𝑬 𝑶𝑭 𝑼𝑺  (PT20&FINAL) |  
— — jung jaehyun is the beloved captain of your university’s basketball team. you’re a freshman in the school ballet company and somehow get roped into giving him dance lessons. the issue is that your brother is lee taeyong aka jaehyun’s on-court rival, who broke his little sister’s heart. that’s where you, revenge, and a little bet come into play.
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MAY 29TH. 2:29 PM KST.
the university’s contemporary ballet company was, in fact, loaded. with an inception dating back to the school’s own founding, they were fated for greatness from the start. they received a surprising amount of funding for an arts-related venture, mostly attributed to the fact that the dancers within the company simply deserved it for their work. their achievements ranged from international competition, two yearly productions, and more. therefore, even after a small presentation like the spring showcase, the company was more than willing to spend money on an expensive celebration party in the form of lunch at a high end restaurant. 
that’s why it was nothing but hilarious when the plan when up in flames—literally.
sooyoung was technically the first person who thought something was starting to smell like it was burning, but no one paid too much attention to it, as the team was being seated into their reserved table. however, coach jung didn’t take it seriously until her favourite male dancer on the team, bambam, pointed it out just a minute or two after. it didn’t take long for the fire alarm to be set off, forcing everyone in the fancy eatery to evacuate the area.
some of your fellow dancers were far too obnoxious when exiting the building, going to slow or literally dashing out the door. you were taken aback by the situation, unsure of what was exactly happening. thankfully, the may weather treated you all nicely, allowing evacuation to be under sunlight.
“but, we didn’t even get to order!” someone cried out, despite the fact that the entire company was left standing outside with the other patrons, as the firetrucks started to swarm in. if you could, you would’ve shoved a complimentary breadstick into her mouth.
you watched people began to enter the restaurant, arms linked with an aggravated sooyoung. it was curious that there didn’t seem to be any visible fire, at least nothing too big. you figured it was probably a small fire in the kitchen. coach jung sighed and clapped her hands three times, the same thing she used every time she wanted to get dancers’ attention.
“well, today’s celebration party has been ruined.” the older woman pursed her lips, clearly irritated by the outcome, as was everyone else. “this shall be postponed. everyone is free to go.”
the round of disappointing reactions surfaced, but she tsked them away. the others began to group amongst themselves, probably discussing alternate plans to their ruined lunch out. you sighed and took a look around, uncertain of what to do next.
beside you, sooyoung was busy typing away at her phone. “well, i was going to leave in like ten minutes for the game, anyway.” she shrugged. “y/n, i’m heading to there now. um, are you coming?”
she asked the last part tentatively and you knew why. however, you had to deal with your parents first, as you texted them about the sudden evacuation. why? no fucking clue because you were definitely regretting it now, seeing their texts flooding in about how you should come and see the game.
“my parents are bugging me about it,” you grumbled. “they’re talking about how i should come and support my brother.” the imitation of your mother’s voice was poor, but sooyoung still laughed. it wasn’t like you didn’t want to support taeyong, but you’d seen him play basketball a million times and he even told you that he doesn’t expect you there, at least not with jaehyun around. 
“why don’t you?” she cocked an eyebrow.
you couldn’t believe that sooyoung just asked you that. “what?”
sooyoung blinked innocently, as if not seeing any sort of issue with such a proposal. she was good at that, you’d have to admit, and would sometimes wonder why she went into dance instead of acting. 
“i’m serious! he’s your brother, you need to watch him play during his last national competition before he graduates,” she said, giving you a pointed look.
you didn’t really consider the fact that this was taeyong’s last year as apart of his basketball team. it was sad in a way, since you’d spent almost all your life watching your big brother shoot some orange balls into a net. while the two of you did not get along whatsoever for most of your lives, it’s been in recent years that you’ve grown close and you slowly started to become his number one supporter. even if you had some issues with his opponent, you wanted to be there for him.
sooyoung essentially saw right through your thought process and smiled. “well, that’s settled. let’s go—” as she started to pull you away, you realized that she did her signature sooyoung persuasion thing, “—and if it really bothers you that much, you can leave during the last quarter.”
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there was always a different feeling during the finals. the air was heavier, as if weighing down on everyone’s shoulders. before each game, there would always be a few guys goofing around in the locker room or blasting music. today, there was none of that. there was only anxiety running through veins and the sweet taste of victory just so close, yet so far.
“it’s been harsh since the playoffs started, but we still ran with it and made it this far.”
all members of the basketball team sat in front of jaehyun, who was concluding his usual speech and standing beside their coach. they’d never seen their captain so tired and hungry for victory, fueled by his own personal conflicts. the fire had been there for the past few games and while most of the members weren’t sure why, a select three did. 
doyoung, lucas, and sicheng sat on the front bench, along with their new starting small forward, kim jungwoo. they were the most worried out of everyone on the team, since all eyes were on them after johnny’s unfortunate injury. the usual centre was missing for whatever reason, despite the fact that anyone injured would normally make an appearance regardless to show their support, especially for a game like this.
“everyone, we are facing the panthers in the finals for the fifth year in a row. what is the answer to their traditionally rough style?” there was silence, only the coach’s eyes surveying his boys with expectation.  
when no one answered, doyoung slowly raised his hand. “no mercy?”
“play rougher?”
“play dirty?”
coach brought a palm to his forehead. “no, you buffoons!” he felt out a growl of annoyance. “the answer is simplicity. no matter how complicated their tactics become or how vicious their players get, our victory is going to be effortless. that means our basketball is going to be effortless.”
jaehyun looked at his father with confusion, trying to process what he was getting at. the panthers were known for playing ruthlessly, while the serpents adapted to whatever team they were playing, despite having a distinctly strong defense. the last time the boys played the panthers, the game was on a different level of run and gun, bloodthirsty plays. jaehyun realized where they went wrong.
“and you, jaehyun,” coach suddenly turned towards him. “i don’t know what’s gotten into you, but this post season has been murderous on your end.” this made many of the members of the team laugh, including jaehyun himself, but the coach didn’t budge. “i mean it, you’ve been in foul trouble almost every game!”
it was true, he’d essentially set a new record for foul counts. jaehyun became extra aggressive on the court, even mouthing off to the referees. it was like something came over him.
“it’s going to be especially hard for you to play straightforward on the court,” coach said, “but i believe it’s possible for you. there just needs to be a balance. it’s between playing as it is and playing the way you want. stick to the basics, go back to the beginning, but don’t lose your drive.”
the words hit jaehyun harder than they were meant to.
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the only reason why you were glad that you came was because there was no one else who would have held your father back when he saw that someone accidentally elbowed taeyong, causing his nose to bleed. the man was about to stomp down the bleachers and cuss out everyone in sight. alright, perhaps it wasn’t the only reason.
taeyong played like his life depended on it. the fervor in his eyes ablaze was one that you rarely saw in him. he was a naturally gifted player and had been since he started playing, so more often, you saw pride and ease in the way he moved. today, he was challenged.
meanwhile, lucas played with a smile on his face. that was just him, the guy who set his foot on the court simply because he loved the sport. you remembered just how overjoyed he was when he was the only sophomore to be put on the starting lineup, albeit at the expense of an injured taeil, who was the original holder of the position. the fervor found in his eyes was because basketball was apart of him.
“are you kidding me?” jaehyun’s voice boomed, as he received yet another foul. 
you’d never seen jaehyun play before. sure, you’ve been to basketball games before for lucas during the season, but you’d never truly paid attention to jaehyun and focused on him. it was surprising because as you watched him now, you wondered how you could’ve possibly done so when he was so hard to miss. his style of play begged for attention. it was a cross of complexity and true fundamentals that made his opponents go, “wow, i can’t believe i fell for something like that.”
the score was tensely close. with eight minutes left on the clock during this last quarter, the score stood at a troubling 104-106. the panthers  were barely in the lead, which seemed to surprise a lot people because of the sidelined center, johnny. the devil himself appeared midway through the halftime performance by the cheerleading teams, resorting to supporting his teammates on the bench.
“let’s go, taeyong!” your mother’s shrill voice couldn’t overcome the other viewers around her.
you chose to not cheer for anyone—you knew better than to cheer for the panthers in the serpents’ home stadium and better than to cheer for anyone other than your brother in front of your parents. in fact, you’d been seated throughout the whole game. almost everyone around you was on their feet. sometimes you would politely clap after a particularly good play or when sooyoung was out during halftime with the cheerleaders. 
yet, jaehyun’s eyes still managed to find yours among the hundreds in the crowd. 
he was bent over, trying to catch his breath. he looked up at the bright lights that brightened the court, then across the crowd who’d been cheering for him for what seemed like years on end. his eyes scanned quickly. wait. he thought he saw something. jaehyun’s looked back at the last section, squinting closer.
your heart stopped. there was no doubt about it, as you glanced around you just in case. jaehyun was looking straight at you. the whistle blew and the ball was suddenly back in someone’s hands, causing him to have no choice but to tear his eyes away from you and bring his attention back to the game he was playing.
the sudden connection was unsettling. your breath became uneven. you didn’t even notice it, but you unconsciously brought yourself to your feet and started sliding your way out of your row. something that sounded like your parents’ objections attempted to bring you back to reality, but you ignored them. you needed to get out of there.
sooyoung stopped in the middle of her routine when she saw your figure turn to go up and leave the stands. johnny almost tried getting up. their plan was going to fail.
they weren’t the only ones that noticed your attempted escape because when jaehyun turned to look at you in the crowd again, you were completely gone. he felt a rush on panic in his bones and saw that you were trying to make your way out of there. the ball was in his hands; he was supposed to throw it in.
“FIND THE BALANCE, JAEHYUN!” bellowed the coach from the sidelines. 
he was going to do exactly that.
jaehyun dropped the ball and made a beeline for the bleachers. everyone around him barked questions and exclamations of confusion. the crowd murmured, watching the seprents’ star player suddenly abandon the game. was it nerves? was it because they were going to lose? the coach especially cursed and yelled questions, before calling a time out. 
he watched his son stride right past him. “jaehyun, we are about to win this game, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING? THIS IS YOUR GAME!” 
that was right, it was his game. you turned around, at the exit at this point, because you wondered what the sudden commotion was. jaehyun was running up the steps, sprinting to catch up and make his way right towards you. your entire body was frozen and you weren’t sure what was happening.
behind all of you, the whistle was blown into again and it seemed like the game begun again. jaehyun slowed down, stopping in front of you. eyes were on the two of you, standing still at the top of the bleachers.
“what are you doing? you must be crazy, you have a game a play out there—” you began, but he cut you off.
“let’s go back to the beginning.”
words could barely leave your lips with all the emotions running in your head. “w-what?”
“can we try this again? the right way?” jaehyun gently grabbed your hand. he was sweaty, panting, and bordering on desperate to win you back. you could see it in his eyes and the energy between the two of your palms. “i know you feel betrayed. like, everything must seem like a lie to you after the bet, right? i want you to meet the real me this time.”
“just like that? like a reset button?” you asked.
“i wanted to do this after the game, but when i was watching you leave,” jaehyun lowered his head, “i knew i needed to do this now.”
the final buzzer went off and roars emerged from every corner of the room. the floor was practically shaking, as the crowd leapt to their feet. people were running down to meet the winning team, as music went off over the speakers. you and jaehyun looked over—the panthers won their first national championship in three years. taeyong was lifted to sit on top of the crowd’s shoulders, holding the trophy high and with pure bliss. the score was seperated by three points.  with johnny and jaehyun off the court, the serpents did the best they could.
“so, what now?” he asked, turning back to you. there didn’t seem to be a hint of regret in his eyes when all he was looking at was you.
you brought your lips to his.
“okay. this time will be different. i don’t know how this is going to end, but i’m glad we’re going to begin this the right way.” you told him and you meant it. it was like jumping into nothing but a bright light that blinded everything before you. however, something told you that it was going to be worth it.
FIN.
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tag list: @i-hate-these-people​ @glitterystanz​ @jkuwus​ @jenojae  @csillagosegnelkul​ @imtaehyungry​ @theloouiisee​ @ikonictaelien​ @knisterlicht​ @seungkwanismyaesthetic​ @jaemingold​ @xysabella​ @sua246​ @ireallyjustneedcoffee​ @p-platonica​ @just-a-dream-40​0 @fuckthatfeeling​   @sehunights​ 
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EXTRA.
if it was possible, the crowd cheered just as loud when jaehyun and y/n kissed on top of the bleachers. all attention was on them and a round of applause erupted. sicheng, doyoung, lucas, johnny, and sooyoung were especially delighted at the sight. on the other side of the court, taeyong watched the happy pair and shook his head, smiling. 
“aw, i guess our balloons and flowers in the back are going to waste,” sicheng pouted. the five of them, along with jaehyun, spent at least an hour decorating because they thought jaehyun was going surprise and talk it out with y/n there.
sooyoung grinned. “at least we got her to come to the game.
lucas folded his arms across his chest, looking at his friends. “wait, yeah. hey, how did we get y/n to leave her party with the ballet people?”
everyone looked at johnny.
the center sighed and began to relay the story of how exactly he earned sooyoung and lucas’ forgiveness. “so, what, i set a little something on fire? not a big deal.” after johhnny explained how he was the one that got the restaurant to be evacuated, everyone looked at him in complete shocked. 
“did you get in trouble for it?” doyoung’s eyes were wide.
johnny snorted. “no. my family owns that restaurant.” he looked back up to jaehyun and y/n, smiling softly. “the damages were only worth two thousand dollars, anyway.” it was a number that cursed them all.
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Spider-Man 2099 v4 #1 and 2099 Omega Thoughts
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This is literally the third time I’ve purchased a comic book called Spider-Man 2099 #1 in 5 years. Technically more if we include reprints. Isn’t that kind of ridiculous?
Fun fact, I wasn’t buying any comics (sans some pre-OMD Spidey and Deadpool Classic trades) between 2009 and 2014. It was the 2014 Spidey 2099 run that got me back into the game, for good or ill.
This issue wasn’t nearly as good at series. And Omega was…lol…it was so bad and essentially an extension of Spidey 2099 I’m covering them together.
I remember fondly my hype when I saw Miguel in ASM v5 #25 and my hype for this one shot, back when I didn’t realize it was just part of a larger event.
Oh boy did this let me down.
Let me start with some superficial praise.
The art for Spidey 2099 and Sandoval on Omega were decent. And there was some interesting ideas pertaining to the world of the future, such as the removal of money and instead having everyone’s value depend upon what they can contribute. A society built upon meritocrisy, albeit with harsh reprisals if you can contribute little. Also the idea of corporations fixing things so only insiders can gain employment speaks to the corporatocracy  of the 2099 universe (one severely undermined when we consider Doom is ultimately in charge anyway…). People intentionally using drugs to keep up their work productivity is another great idea, and a genuinely interesting twist upon the original depiction of the rapture drug from Spidey 2099 v1 #1.  Finally people essentially enabling identity theft in exchange for drugs was an interesting sci-fi concept.
But beyond that…this was bad.
When I began covering this event proper with 2099 Alpha my dominant critique was ‘who is this for’.
A reboot of the 2099 line over 20 years since the original line ended and less than 3 years since the revival of it ended? A reboot intended to modernize the 1990s’ take on the future, a take that frankly proved 99% accurate anyway. And finally a reboot that alternated between doing spotty world building, killing off new characters, tie-ins to modern canon events and most of the time communicated its ideas in confusing and baffling ways.
I put forward that it was doomed to displease the old 2099 fans like me because it was erasing what we knew and loved. But it was also so poorly communicating its rebooted vision that new people were going to be alienated.
I’m only slightly going to backtrack on what I said. Because the Punisher 2099 issue was if you like the greatest argument in favour of the reboot. It wasn’t just the best issue in this mess, it was a bona fide awesome story just in general. It actually dived into an aspect of futuristic sci-fi that the 1990s 2099 series (to my knowledge) would’ve struggled to cover as it pertained so much to 2010s life and technology.
More poignantly though, the problem with this event is that there was no over arching vision between the titles. Not every one shot had the same problems but they all in different ways displayed problems that smacked into the very premise of this event.
F4 2099 was literally pointless as it spent a whole issue introducing a new F4 then killed them.
Conan 2099 could’ve been virtually the same if Conan was like 20 years in the future not this new future we rebooted.
Arguably Punisher 2099 relied upon familiarity with the Jake Galloway Punisher 2099 before it subverted your expectations.
Ghost Rider 2099 was fun but the writer clearly LIKED the original take on the character to the point where he essentially minimized changes to the rebooted version making the act of rebooting the character pointless in the first place and failing the mission statement of the event.
Venom 2099 was a weird tie-in for Cates current Venom mega arc involving Knull that was nonsensical as it proposes that Knull is still en route to Earth and thus in theory there is no tension in Cates’ run. Moreover it wasn’t much of a futuristic take on Venom himself and fundamentally hurt as there was no Spider-Man for Venom to act as a dark reflection of.
Doom 2099 in fairness had a cool twist, but a cool twist that didn’t make sense in and of itself and was also reliant upon familiarity with the original 1990s character.
And then we come to these issues.
These issues I’m sad to say just absolutely fundamentally fail conceptually.
He’s incredibly passive and very bland as a character so newer fans coming in with no knowledge or attachment to the Miguel O’Hara of old are unlikely to warm to him. His defining trait is being someone who cares enough about the suffering of others that he will not actively take part in it, but will also not actively do anything to help like his brother Gabe. This is then set up for his brother to die, cue a less good retread of Peter Parker’s origin story but minus much action of Miggy in costume. On paper the idea of a guy experiencing Peter’s ultimate failure and from this being motivated to OBTAIN super powers is interesting but it’s just not examined all that much in the story. What I’m saying is at a time when there is a sea of Spider-Heroes to read about on the stands this version of Miguel O’Hara is lame, derivative and the execution of his character half-hearted.
Then on the other hand you have the older fans’ perspectives. Obviously old Spidey 2099 fans are unlikely to take to this new version just on principle. But when you realize you lost the old character for THIS guy…oh boy does that sting.
Original recipe Miguel O’Hara was cool because he zigged where Peter zagged. He was kind of an asshole, but one with limits on how little he cared. And he became more heroic over time, but never the same type of hero as Peter. And above all he was a sarcastic, sardonic, cynic who you could tell was thinking ‘I can’t even with this Spider-Shit right now’. Case in point, he was okay with straight up killing opponents. He was more unique and much more compelling than this version, as were his cast. Lyla is basically the Aunt May of this story and not the source of humour that she was even in the first 3 issues of the 1990s run. She also lacks her iconic Monroe look, and isn’t even consistent with how she looked in ASM v5 #35.
Losing a cool character for a lame one would be bad enough but then the story straight up invalidates both itself and the entire goddam event.
It does this by having the rebooted Miggy start to see visions of the pre-rebooted (prebooted?) 2099 timeline, meet an aged version of his prebooted self and then have even more flashes of the prebooted timeline. *
Wow…Just….Wow…
Let’s pretend that the vision of 2099 in this event was a temporary thing, an Age of Apocalypse or a House of M just for 2099 and the plan was always to go back to how it was before when the story wrapped up.
That makes this entire event pointless. See the reason AoA worked (and HoM in theory could have worked) is because it was a temporary change of pace.
That doesn’t apply to the 2099 line, a nostalgic, discontinued line of comics and characters that are unlikely to get a full on revival and who’s last attempt at a revival wrapped up over 2 years ago.
THIS event should’ve been a nostalgia trip for the old fans and a chance to introduce that line to a new generation. Instead it discarded the old in favour of something new which was seemingly intended to go nowhere.
Good job Marvel, any new fans you MIGHT have gotten hooked just got fucked over and people like me who pre-ordered this event thinking we were going to get the characters we knew and loved also got fucked over.
And in fact the entire exercise was an example of intentional redundancy.
Jesus fucking Christ.
Oh and it doesn’t make a lick of sense.
So Miguel was thrown back in time when his timeline was starting to be erased and replaced with the rebooted timeline, then he was erased in ASM v5 #34, which began this new rebooted timeline…but he is alive in it, remembers it, can give his past self visions from the old timeline...
…I’m a Doctor Who fan and that’s not any kind of wibbly wobbley timey whimey nonsense. It’s just regular ass nonsense, just like the Man-Spider monster Miguel encounters who repeats ouroboros to him, the same word ReedDoom said in the Doom 2099 issue. How and why would the Man-Spider creature say that to Miguel. How would prebooted Miguel know it said that? How and why would rebooted Miguel see Spidey 2099 in costume spray painting that?
Shit what the fuck does ouroboros even mean?????????
*one google search later*
A snake eating its tail as a symbol of endless infinity…what the fuck does that mean?
That Miguel makes himself Spider-Man 2099 always?
There was a cool idea in the Omega issue wherein we learn Doom essentially erased everyone’s memories with magic so they’d forget the Age of Heroes altogether, but the rise of the characters in the one shots represented that spell breaking down. Too bad it doesn’t add up given how Venom was always going to exist and existed SINCE the Age of Heroes and people obviously remember Thor as there is an entire tribe dedicated to him!**
However the Omega issue’s biggest sin is showing us how truly pointless most of the issues of this event were. Honest to God you only need to read Doom scenes from Alpha and then Spidey 2099 and Omega. Those are the only plot relevant issues out of this whole event.
Over all, these issues and this event have been a humungous, insulting disappointment. Check out some of the art but literally nothing else sans the Punisher.
*I mean if you want to get technical the 2099 universe has technically been rebooted multiple times. The version of it presented from 2013-2017 actually differed from the original 1990s version in various ways, e.g. Miguel’s love life panned out very differently. When I refer to the pre-rebooted/prebooted timeline I’m referring to the version from 2013-2017, just to be clear.
**There are other contradictions in these 2 issues as well, like how poverty and bad health have been erased but…we see they haven’t as there are multiple examples of both in the one shots.
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zigncvak · 5 years ago
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TASK .002 — THE PROLOGUE
WHEN: november 30th, 2018
WHAT: zig’s mother confronts him after finding his stash
        It all happened so fast, Zig hardly remembered every gritty detail about the night, he only knew it was something he could never take back. He loved his mother, truly. He never lashed out on her in the past no matter how hard it became to control his anger, but that night, his rage blindly consumed him, taking full control of his actions and causing him to react in ways he never had before.
        He was on the way back home from his supposed ‘shift’ at his new job. It was exactly twenty minutes before it ended, and Zig deemed it a realistic time to arrive him. In truth, he was out on the streets dealing for a quick buck. Those quick bucks began to add up though, and eventually, he started making a real profit off the hustle; enough to help his mom pay the bills. His mother, Anfisa, was gleaming with pride for her son, delighted that he was finally taking responsibility and becoming the man that his father never could be. She was so proud, that she decided to surprise him that night by coming in for dinner with his younger brother, Feliks, during his shift time.
        When he got to his room, Anfisa was sitting on his bed, sniffling as she held a large steel box in her hand. His heart dropped at the sight, immediately recognizing the box as the one he kept his stash in. “Zigmund… what is this?” She spoke in Russian, signifying how serious the situation was when she had no time to translate. “What is this?” Her voice was rising now. She turned around with tears in her eyes and threw the box in his direction. He fumbled to catch it, but the box fell to the ground with a thud, various baggies of pills and other drugs falling out. “This is how you’re getting your money?! With… with all this?!” She gestured to the mess on the ground, rising from the bed as she faced her son.
        “Mom… it’s… I’m sorry— I—” There was no words to remedy the issue, nothing he could say to fix the damage. All he could to was apologize. “I’m so sorry, Mom. I just wanted to help you…” His apologies meant nothing at that point though. Anfisa bent down to hastily pick up the bags, toss them back into the box, and shove it into Zig’s hands. “I need you to take this, and I need you to get out of my house. I can’t have this around your brother, Zigmund. If you’re going to become a criminal, you’re not going to bring me and Feliks down with you.”
        The words stung, and caused his emotions to run rampant in a matter of seconds. It was an odd mix of anger, sadness, betrayal, and regret. “What? You mean the house that I’m helping you pay for? The one that I’ve been paying the bills for?” He tucked the box between his arm and grabbed a duffle bag from his closet, throwing any clothes and important items he could find as his mother continued.
        “Don’t you dare start with that!”
        “Why not? It’s true, isn’t it?
        “I never, ever would have taken your money if I knew where it came from. I’m so disappointed with you right now. I don’t even know what to say.” Just yesterday Anfisa was on the phone bragging about how well her son was doing, and now it came to this. He never expected the night to end in such a way.
        “I’m sorry, Ma, Okay?! I’m just sick of being poor! We never get to do anything, and you starve yourself just to feed us sometimes! It sucks!”
        “That’s not an excuse to put your family’s lives in danger!”
        “What’s so dangerous? You didn’t even know I was doing it up until now, and it would’ve stayed that way if you never went digging through my stuff!”
        His mother began to cry again. “I went to go visit you at work to see what a good boy my son was. They told me that you’ve never even worked there before. What did you expect me to do when I heard this?” She managed to say through her sobs.
        When his bag was stuffed, he started to make his exit, walking out towards the living room and to the door that led to the shop. That could’ve been the end of it, but his mother added something that struck another chord with Zig. “I thought you were so much better than your father, Zigmund— so much, but you’re turning into him right before my eyes!” 
        “I-I’m not like him.” He balled his fists up, nails digging into the skin of his palms.
“He could never make an honest living for himself, always taking the easy way out of everything. Isn’t that what you are doing with your drug money?”
        “Shut up!” He snapped, “I’m nothing like him, you hear me? NOTHING.” His tone began to rise now. Something about that comment caused him to break. Maybe it was because he knew that his mother was well aware how those words would sit heavily with him.
        “No, you’re just like him.”
        “Shut the hell up!” Before he knew it, his fist was sent flying through the wall just inches away from his mother, causing her to yelp from shock. It was then that Feliks decided to emerge from his room, tears welling up at the brims of his eyes. “Stop it! Please stop!” He pleaded to both of them desperately. It was the one thing that made Zig calm down and realize what he had done.
        Anfisa grabbed her youngest, pulling him close and muffling his sobs with her chest. “Sh, its okay,” She began to pat his hair gently, looking up at Zig and lowering her voice to address him more calmly for Feliks’s sake. “You need to leave. Now,” She ordered, pointing at the door and insisting on his exit.
        “But—” He took a look at Feliks, wishing there was a proper way to explain what was going on to him, hoping he could give a goodbye before leaving.
        “Now.”
        And with that, Zig left the home he had lived in for so many years. He never expected moving out would be like this. He always thought his mother would be the one to beg him to stay after he moved away for college, or something of the sorts. Instead of packing up and moving onto better things though, he was now aimlessly walking the streets of Toronto, scrolling through his phone in search of anyone who would let him crash on his couch for the night and hoping that his mother would keep his phone on for just a little while longer. Everything was screwed, that much was certain.
        But this was about to be an interesting Winter break, that too, was certain.
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letterboxd · 6 years ago
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Ballad.
Dominic Corry is in New York to see the Coen Brothers’ latest opus, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs starring Tim Blake Nelson (above).
The Coen brothers unveiled their latest work The Ballad of Buster Scruggs at the New York Film Festival last week, and it’s yet another masterpiece from the peerless filmmakers. Perhaps even more so than their acclaimed True Grit (2010), which garnered ten Oscar nominations, Buster Scruggs betrays their extreme affection for—and deep knowledge of—the Western, cinema’s first and longest-lasting genre.
The Netflix-backed project was erroneously initially reported to be a TV series, but according to the brothers it was always planned as an anthology film comprised of six individual stories. Each one embodies and gently subverts a particular Western sub-genre, from the singing cowboy films typified by those starring Gene Autry, to the fatalistic grime of Sergio Leone’s spaghetti westerns, to a wagon train drama, with multiple stops in between, ending on a dark tale that wouldn’t be all that out of place as a Twilight Zone episode.
It’s funny, tragic and savagely ironic in the manner only the Coens seem to be able to pull off. The stories feature a host of amazing actors doing fantastic work, including, but not limited to: Liam Neeson, Bill Heck, Zoe Kazan, Tom Waits, James Franco, Stephen Root, Tyne Daly, Brendan Gleeson and the great Clancy Brown (albeit briefly), whose presence elevates anything he appears in. The only person missing was the late Walter Brennan, the Western genre's all-time greatest old coot who I am confident is smiling down upon this film from wherever he may currently reside.
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Zoe Kazan, Joel Coen, Tim Blake Nelson and Ethan Coen at NYFF 56. / Photo: Evan Agostini
Tim Blake Nelson (O Brother, Where Art Thou?) is absolutely hilarious as the title character (the aforementioned singing cowboy), whose story kicks off the anthology. He joined the Coens on stage following the screening for a discussion of the work. Here’s some highlights:
On the origins of the project: Joel Coen: The first story [we wrote] was the first story in the movie. These are stories that were written over 25 years really, so that goes way back, that one. They follow, with a couple of exceptions, in a kind of chronological order in terms of when they were written, roughly. They just got put in a drawer because they were short movies and we didn’t know what we were gonna do with them. We probably didn’t even expect to make them until maybe eight or ten years ago when we started thinking, “well, maybe we could do these”. They could be seen as a sequenced series of stories or tracks on a record album or something like that. It’s a weird animal in terms of the format.
On whether or not they considered merging the stories into one larger narrative: JC: No. Like I said before we had these stories, they were all westerns so there was that and then they seemed to relate to each other, but kind of retrospectively, rather than consciously when we started doing it. There was never the impulse to [combine them] but as I said it’s kind of a strange form but it grew out of just the odd nature of how they came into existence.
On the experience of the actors: Tim Blake Nelson: We all got to read the entire script before we shot our individual constituent parts, unrelated to the others, but I think probably as actors we all felt a responsibility toward the genre of each film in which we appear. Because what I think is astonishing about this is it’s six different movies within the Western genre but then each one is in the vernacular of a sub-genre in and of itself. And that, at least for me, and I’m pretty sure with the other actors, just underscored one’s responsibility to appear indelibly within the genre in which you appeared. And so understanding that and then getting to see the successes of the others, it was just really rewarding to encounter that in all the stories. So that’s what was most gratifying about seeing the whole, was experiencing the success of others.
On the public confusion over whether or not this was a series or a movie, and whether or not any stories got culled: JC: I think that’s an artifact of what a strange animal it is. None of us really knew what to call it or how to classify it. Aside from the confusion about the classification, what we were going to shoot, the length of all the stories, which vary, there was never anything we were considering doing differently. There were never any more stories, and they were always intended to be seen together as a group.
On the large presence of animals in the film, which prominently features a dog and and owl, among other critters: JC: Flies are very hard to work with. There are a lot of animals. We do tend to load the movies up with domestic animals don’t we? It’s a Western, there are horses. It is true, I have to say, you do a Western, you spend 90% of your time dealing with and thinking about the horses.
Ethan Coen: And the oxen. The oxen were new to us. I asked Travis, who was the oxen wrangler, we wanted the oxen to do something specific for a take, and I asked him if he could do that and he just sighed. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, “Driving oxen is not self-evident”.
On collaborating on this film with longtime composer Carter Burwell: EC: As Tim said, they’re all Westerns but they’re such different kinds of stories, we would talk about to what extent the music should play off those different [genres] and to what extent it should tie the things together. It’s a question we confronted. They’re so different. How much are you gonna accent the differences and how much are you gonna say it’s all the same movie [with the music]?
JC: It’s something that wasn’t just limited to the music, it’s an issue that came up in terms of the shooting styles and the color timing look of the movie, and how much to differentiate between the different stories and how much not to. How much to push that and how much to pull back a little bit in terms of your original instincts about it. And that went through a lot of iterations. It’s the kind of thing that’s very easy to iterate and re-iterate now that color timing is done in a computer as opposed to photo-chemically, so that went back and forth a little bit too and sort of found its place.
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On how Joel and Ethan have evolved over the years as filmmakers: TBN: Yeah they finally know what they’re doing. They figured it out on this movie. [Big laughs from the crowd.] At a previous Q&A I suddenly realized the oxymoronic nature of who and what Joel and Ethan are as directors and filmmakers, because they’re incredibly, unbelievably, in an unparalleled way, meticulous and prepared as filmmakers. So that when you get to the set there really are no decisions being made during the shooting time that could’ve been made earlier, and that rigor pays off in an interesting way because it allows for the actors inside of that meticulous preparation, to be utterly free, to have all the time an actor could possibly want. So I think it’s the amount of preparation, with which I became familiar on O Brother, and I’d never encountered before in any movie I’d done with any director, or directors. And it’s repeated once more here, with the added challenge I think for Joel and Ethan that they were making effectively six films with six different linguistic principals inside the language of the Western and I found the specificity with which they were working on the one I’m in, unbelievable in terms of its extremes and its fearlessness. And the way that they were pushing me, and in certain cases allowing me to do certain stuff. And then seeing the whole movie, watching five other versions of that, was truly astonishing. So what I guess I really mean to say is that the opposite of my joke is true: they continue to be unparalleled in terms of the work they put in, the preparation they do, and the specificity borne out of the shooting and also in the result.
‘The Ballad of Buster Scruggs’ is available on Netflix and in select theaters from November 16. Letterboxd recommends seeing it on the big screen if you can!
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somberillusions · 4 years ago
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36
Hi Guys! I recently found something that really fits this blog. Apparently there are 36 questions designed to make someone fall in love with you, so I’ll be answering them today!
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? I would want Tom Felton as a dinner guest, I feel like we would get on well and who doesn’t want to cook dinner for a loveable little musician?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? I think if I ever became famous, I would want to be famous for doing something good in the world, like donating money to charity or standing on a redwood tree for three years to prevent it from being cut down, y’know? But given the choice I wouldn’t want to be famous, I value my privacy.
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? Oh definitely, I get really scared calling people for something important, so I always want to know what I’m going to say so I don’t mess up.
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? For me a perfect day would be if in the same day, I went to a BTS fansign and met my idols, and then got to spend time with my closest friends, watching my favorite movies, and eating my favorite foods. God that sounds amazing.
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? I last sang to myself around fifteen minutes ago, I last sung to someone else last night. I really like singing.
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? I would want the mind of a 30 year old because then I would have all my memories and be able to tell all my grandkids stories from my past without forgetting small details.
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? I don’t actually, I used to think I was gonna go by my own hands, but now I don’t care how I’ll die, and I’m not scared of it either.
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. Well this is hard considering so many individual people could be reading this, but based off of you reading this I would say we both like tumblr, we both find the topic of love interesting, and we like getting to know people. 
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? I am very grateful for my mom, she is incredibly strong of a person and I would be dead without her strength. She gives me hope of better days and not a day goes by where I don’t remind her how much I care for her.
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? That’s a hard question, I would have to say I wish my dad hadn’t told me stories of what he saw while he served military duty in Iraq, at least not when I was so young.
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. I’m timing this, I was born in a military fort in Texas, my dad was in Iraq until I was 3 and when he came back, he came with alcoholism, this essentially ruined my life, when I was five my mom and I moved to Alabama, two years later my dad said he would change so we moved with him, and surprise! He didn’t change. He went to rehab and came out, but sixth months later he relapsed and I attempted suicide from the pain. I had a lot of mental issues and still am recovering. I met my best friend who helped me through all that and I am lucky to have her in my life. I fell in love while my dad was in rehab, and three years later I still am. I currently have three friends who I care about but I don’t like talking to them online much because I prefer face to face. I now spend my weekdays watching movies with my mom and my weekends trying to protect my baby brother from witnessing my drunk dad get angry.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? I would like to be fluent in Korean, it would get me more job opportunities and I would love to add bilingual to my job resume.
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? I would want to know if I will ever fall in love and be loved back in return.
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? I have always dreamed of living in a van, but I haven’t because I don’t have enough money or even a driver’s license.
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Recovering from Anorexia Nervosa
16. What do you value most in a friendship? Honesty, I want people to give me the real deal instead of acknowledging my feelings, I’d rather rip of the band-aid than leave it on the rot into my skin.
17. What is your most treasured memory? A Halloween party in 2017, that whole October was the most amazing days of my life, but that party changed me in so many ways.
18. What is your most terrible memory? So back in 2015 my dad drunk drove and got caught so for a year he had to have a breathalizer in our car and in order for the car to turn on you had to blow into the breathalizer for 30 seconds and wait 60 seconds for it to calibrate and the car to start. Keep that in mind. So my parents were arguing one day inside and I was outside removing nails from a plank of wood because woodwork was my coping mechanism, when my mom walks out of the house (we lived with my grandparents at the time) she grabs my arm and we run to the car and get in. My dad is walking after us with a face twisted in pure rage. My mom is trying desperately to get the breathalizer to calibrate and my dad is getting closer. At this point there are tears falling down my face. My dad sees my mom frantically trying to start the car and his face gets impossibly more enraged. He then swings his fist at the window and it cracks, but it doesn’t break. I scream. The car is finally starting and my dad screams, “I AM GOING TO KILL YOU BITCH” and goes to swing at the window again, but my mom quickly backs up. If my dad had made that punch my mom would have been dead. My dad goes to the back of the car to stop her but she keeps going until he moves. We immediately leave. I don’t remember where we went but I remember that after that my dad was kicked out of my grandparents house. We stayed but he left. While we were driving I cried so hard my voice went away. I didn’t speak for three months after that.
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? No, I wouldn’t. I think I am living my life as best I can right now, I act like myself and don’t hold back. I am confident, and I don’t let other people get me down, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.
20. What does friendship mean to you? Friendship means the world to me, I could live my whole life without a romantic interest if I had friends who understood me and were fun to be around.
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? Honestly I could live without it, that’s not to say I’m opposed to love, but I have mad commitment issues and that’s something not many people want to deal with when it comes to romance, so I don’t need it to live.
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items. I like that you listen, I like that you care enough to read this far. I like that you have enough energy in you to even keep reading this far. I like that you don’t give up even when things get unpleasant, and I like how considerate you are of other people.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? I would say in my family I am only close with my mom and my cousin. I don’t think my life was happier than most people’s but it definitely could’ve been worse.
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? I’ve talked about her a lot in the post, but great.
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “We are both struggling in different ways” “Our emotions are valid no matter how strong they are, or how trivial they are” “Just because someone is having it worse than us, doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to be upset”
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “My taste in movies, nowadays people only watch YouTube, and I don’t hold them against that because sometimes I do too, but I wish they would care enough to watch the movies I like.”
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. I have a lot of trauma like everyone else, and I try to hide that through smiling, don’t fall for it, the wider my smile is, the more I’m breaking down inside.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met. I am proud of you for picking up whatever device you’re reading this on, and spending this long reading a post from a complete stranger, and I really appreciate the amount of time and consideration you put into doing so.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. This is really horrible of me but please keep in mind I was four at the time. I was at a Mexican Restaurant in New Mexico and I saw a Mexican person for the first time (I was an isolated child) and I pointed at them and said “Look Mommy! It’s a real Mexican person from Mexico”, I to this day am really embarrassed by this and wish I could see this person again and apologize.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? I last cried in front of my mom two days ago, we were watching a sad movie. And I last cried by myself at midnight. I swear I don’t usually cry this much it’s just bad timing. 
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already. They like asking this question a lot don’t they? I also really like how dedicated you are to making sure other people feel cared for.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? Sexual Assault, in no situation is it okay to joke about people being forced into sexual acts.
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet? I would regret never apologizing to my family for not talking to them, I haven’t done it yet because they think I am this perfect little girl and I’m scared that they won’t love me anymore when they find out I’m not.
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? My memory box, it’s full of all the most cherished items in my life and I wouldn’t be able to live knowing I let them burn.
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? My mom’s, I would cease to function if she passed away, I know it’ll happen someday but the thought terrifies me. I think I would shut down mentally.
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. My dad is a raging alcoholic, and I am scared to be around him on the weekends. I don’t want to pressure my mom into leaving but at the same time my mental health is deteriorating every Saturday. What would you do in my situation?
Welp, there you go! I’m honestly surprised you made it this far, thank you for caring enough to stick around. Until next time!
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bangtantannie · 6 years ago
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Love Yourself Series
This is just a very personal post so there’s no need to stop and read if you don’t want to. But if you do take the time to read this, I hope that you y’all will reblog, reply or make your own post (and tag me because I would love to read it) about your own feelings about this series and what you were experiencing throughout the release of this series.
Also, this is a very touchy subject for me as well seeing as I touch on a topic that is still very sensitive to this day, it gets a bit detailed as well... since this is really my first time putting this story into writing.
I haven’t been an ARMY for long. It’s only been a year that I could officially call myself an ARMY. But a year was enough. It was enough to get to know 7 men trying to make a difference in the world through music. It was enough to realize that these men wanted to make more than just a catchy song that will help them reach their fame. It was enough to know that people aren’t kidding at when they say that BTS (and other musicians of course) saved their lives. Unfortunately, the story of how I became an ARMY isn’t exactly a happy one.
The very day BTS released Love Yourself: Her, my family was torn apart. I had just gotten home from an extensive shopping trip to prepare for moving into my college dorm. The minute my grandpa pulled my mother aside to talk in private, I could feel something was very wrong. Granted, I didn’t pay any mind to it that moment, since I was listening to LY:Her to test the waters and see if this was a group I was going to add to the list I already stan. But the thought of something being wrong just wouldn’t go away. That feeling only worsened when my mother called my brother and I to have a family meeting of sorts. The only thing is... we don’t have family meetings.
The meeting was to tell us that someone had threatened to take my grandpa’s life. That person being my father. Just the thought of my father hurting anyone is hard to believe, so naturally, I started to cry. It wasn’t scrunched up face, sobbing cry. But the expressionless, tears falling down silently kind of cry. I just absolutely couldn’t wrap my head around what my mother had just told me. My mother is the type to rush into things if it means protecting the ones she loves, so she called the police. Soon enough, an officer came to my house and told her the measures she could take to protect herself and our family. She had decided she would go to court and try to file a restraining order on my father. 
Seeing as I had just became a legal adult at the time, my mother asked me if I wanted to be included as well, but I told her no. I wanted to hear my father’s side. I wanted him to call me and tell me he didn’t do it, I wanted him to reach out to me and tell me he was the man I always painted him to be. I wanted him to be the one to reach out because I was afraid to vocalize the thing that my grandpa claims my father threatened to do. Because saying those words out loud would make it feel even more real than it already was.
That night, I cried until 5 am. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t do anything. All I could do was cry while I clung to the lyrics of Pied Piper playing quietly in my room like my life depended on it. I tried so hard to focus on the song to distract myself from the things I heard that I seriously hoped the music would just take over and just relax. I felt like my world was crumbling into pieces, a world that had been broken my entire life. 
Fast forward to college starting a week later, two weeks later, three weeks later, maybe even four weeks later, not a single call from my father. Adjusting to a new living space and environment was already hard enough, watching what was left of a fragile family life turn to shambles only made it several times harder. Desperate to distract myself from what was or was not happening at home, I literally threw myself into my studies. It was also very hard to be alone if I wasn’t doing homework. I also struggled to socialize and make friends the first few weeks, and the lack of human interaction only made me fall deeper into my depression. I would silently cry on the phone while telling my mother that college was going well, and that I was having fun every night she called to check on me. I would skip meals if my roommate had already eaten, and when we did get to eat together (which was the usual case) I ate less than half of the plate that I created for myself, which consisted of a small scoop of about three food items being served. In the span of two weeks, I had lost about six pounds.
When my father finally reached out to me... I quickly realized I wouldn’t be hearing any explanation from him whatsoever. He only called because wanted me to testify for him, to render my grandfather a source that was not credible. Torn between deeply wanting to help my father but being strongly reluctant to testify as a witness against my own mother and grandfather, I just couldn’t handle the pressure I was creating for myself.  With a few calls every few hours coming from my father asking to be a witness for him in court to nightly phone calls of my mother recalling memories that would tarnish my image of my father, I almost dreaded every single phone call that came from my family. I had reached a point where seeing my father’s contact made me breathless. I even purposely missed calls to put off the only conversation that would happening, with the excuse that I was in class. I felt so bad every time saying I couldn’t testify in court because I had class that day, and the only thing that made it worse was hearing him say I need you over the phone. But the thing that only broke my heart even more was the thought that echoed in my mind, and where were you when I needed you? 
Every single day, I listened to LY:Her. Sometimes I would listen to other albums, but I always found comfort in LY:Her. When I was feeling particularly anxious, Jimin’s soft voice would bring my blurring vision back into sharpness. Taehyung’s deep voice would quiet the overwhelming thought that I was a failure of a daughter. Jungkook’s smooth voice would comfort me when I thought I was a pathetic human being for running away from my problems and simply watching as events unfolded. Jin’s clear voice would bring my scattered brain into focus. Namjoon’s poetic raps would keep me going, stopping me from just giving up, reminding that I had a purpose. Yoongi’s raps would bring me back to the present instead of dwelling on the past in search of things I could’ve done to prevent such an event from happening. Hoseok’s energetic raps took off some of the heaviness in my chest and quelled the frown when it felt the most overpowering.
Love Yourself:Tear had some of the songs that I really needed at the time. Watching my friends (which I had made a bit before our first break) struggle under mountains of schoolwork while I was off to the side playing SuperStar BTS because my workload was something I considered significantly lighter and not nearly as challenging is what my friends seemed to have, I felt a bit lost on my purpose at school once again. Hearing that it was okay not to have a dream, that it was okay to take a break, that I would be fine and I would have a safe space listening to BTS’ music was something I really needed to hear the second portion of the school year. 
And now we’re here, with Love Yourself: Answer, the end of the Love Yourself series. This album brings me back to each portion of the school year, all the ups and downs, ghosts of the feelings I had at the time, leading me to who I am now. A young woman aware of her flaws. And someone with hope, that it will get better. Although the issue within my family has been brushed under the rug, it is still something I know I will need to get closure on. I’ve gone from seeing my father five times a week to being lucky if he even messages me once every three weeks or seeing him once in a few months. One day I will gain the courage to reach out to my father and not go along with him when he briefly mentions the situation that had happened without even uttering a single detail of his side of the story.
Although I am far from truly being able to love myself, I’ve come a long way from the girl that would not hesitate to call herself an absolute failure. I’ve learned to put my needs first, instead of sacrificing my mental and physical health trying to help everyone else. I haven’t quite gotten around to opening up to my college friends about my personal life, but I feel like being able to post this semi anonymously to a social media website for countless strangers to scrutinize, empathize, or criticize is the first step to opening up to my friends in person about my struggles and hardship. I know I handled this situation very badly, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that what’s done is done, and all I can do is focus on the present and work toward making a better future.
Kim Namjoon, Kim Seokjin, Min Yoongi, Jung Hoseok, Park Jimin, Kim Taehyung, Jeon Jungkook, thank you. Thank you for coming into my life and changing it for the better, thank you for making a very painful part of my life exponentially less painful than it would’ve been if the Love Yourself series hadn’t started then. Thank you, for saving me, because I truly do not know where I would be right now if it hadn’t been for you. Although it saddens me to see this series conclude, all good things must come to an end, even if I don’t want it to. I could only dream of doing this in person, but I could never thank you enough for creating the Love Yourself series. I do not know what will be following the Love Yourself series, but I will be there every step of the way, as a fellow ARMY until the end.
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bowiebwe-blog · 7 years ago
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Bowie’s Favorite Albums Of 2017 Big List! (#20-5)
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20. Paramore - After Laughter
Nah guys, this is still definitely Paramore. And that’s a very good thing. I *loved* their 2013 self-titled album, and though this album doesn’t hit me at quite that level, it’s in the same ballpark(ish). They got groovier and yeah, a but pop-ier, but their heart is still definitely there. And it’s one of the most thematically cohesive albums of the year. You wanna know who I think one of their low-key influences is this time around though? Their good buddies/label mates Twenty One Pilots. I’m not so sure they would have dared take the route they did with the lyrical themes of this album without Twenty One Pilots paving the way into the mainstream first, even if Haley needed to say it. But now that it’s been said, I hope their next album goes into what comes after; hope, and all that good stuff.
*Hard Times, Forgiveness
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19. Liam Gallagher - As You Were
Straight up, I wasn’t expecting Liam to show up and make an album this good. I dunno how much help he had in making it happen, but here it is, it happened. This album rivals late Oasis and even his brother’s excellent post-Oasis projects. The grit here is real, and Liam backs up his incredibly large ego with some great songs. Easily one of the best rock albums of the year. Now let’s please have an Oasis reunion sometime soon as you were LG x
*Wall Of Glass, I’ve All I Need, Chinatown
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18. Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds - Who Built The Moon?
Noel Gallagher is one of the very best British songwriters of all-time. I don’t ever flinch or stutter when I say that. He knows how to make a song full of heart be catchy while still pushing the boundaries of what songwriting can be, and all without overcomplication. It’s a fascinating thing to behold. Oasis was built on his back, and they were rightfully massive. And now he’s back with his wee Flyin’ Birds and making another great album. He once again shows he’s not afraid to reach out and find new avenues of songwriting, and somehow he seems to always find the sweet spot. It’s definitely once again a change of sound, and it almost makes me believe he changes it either to challenge himself or because he’s bored. Whatever the case, this is a great album with more great songwriting from an incredible artist.
*Dead In The Water, It’s A Beautiful World
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17. Eminem - Revival
I recently found out that Eminem used 69,000 pieces of paper during the writing of this album, so it’s no wonder to me how he came to be what I easily consider to be the greatest rapper of all-time. His golden days as off-the-wall Slim Shady might be in the past, but his undeniable passion and flow are still strong here. Eminem knows how to deliver, and pretty much everyone who knows rap knows it. He’s the greatest. And as a side note, “Arose” might easily be one of the most powerful Eminem songs ever. It’s like being the dying man fighting for his life and his mourning family at the same time, and it’s amazing to see Eminem be able to still deliver on that. Anyway, Eminem once again brought out greatness in this album. Fantastic.
*Arose, River, In Your Head
16. PVRIS - All We Know Of Heaven, All We Need Of Hell
I listened to both of PVRIS’ albums for the first time on the same walk, and let me tell ya, I was instantly converted into being a fan. Their songs and albums are high-quality modern rock albums with a very open feel to them. And the vocals! My goodness. They go from ice water to like having a hot Twilight vampire sink their teeth into your neck like butter. Not much changed tonally between this album and their debut, but like Royal Blood, if it ain’t broke, you don’t always need to fix it. Especially with rock. So many rock bands get so caught up in trying to become relevant electronically that they lose where they came from in the first place. PVRIS is a force to be reckoned with, even if they don’t ever get incredible commercial success (it’s just the world we live in). Great album.
*Heaven, What’s Wrong, NOLA 1
15. Logic - Everybody
Peace, love, and positivity! We should have all listened to Logic sooner. I decided once he released this album to listen to all of his previous albums before listening to even a single song off his new release, and folks, he’s the real deal. His flow is amazing, his beats are creative, and he’s genuine. This album definitely backs all that up. He’s one creative mother goose, and his art is full of those good vibes we love in music. He also gets more honest and personal than ever here with mental health issues (not just in “1-800…”), so it’s somewhat of an important album even just on that note.
*Hallelujah, 1-800-273-8255
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14. Ed Sheeran - ÷
This album was one of my most-anticipated of the year, and it largely lived up to the high expectations, but not completely. There are some songs I loved, some songs I really liked, and some songs I honestly could’ve done without on here. But here’s the thing… Ed Sheeran’s an amazing songwriter. These songs are all good. Like, even though “Shape Of You” might be one of my least favorite on the album because of that trendy finger harp bounce rythm thing I can’t stand, if you listen in the background you’ll hear very ‘Ed Sheeran-y" guitar-percussion sounds that make the song fascinating to listen to. So sometimes it seems like these songs are too polished for the radio, but it still has a lot of heart and fantastic songwriting. I don’t like it quite as much as I loved 'X’, but I still really liked this album. Mr. Sheeran is constant quality and I’m sure he’ll be a superpower for years to come.
*Happier, How Would You Feel (Paean), What Do I Know?, Perfect
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13. Imagine Dragons - Evolve
Do you hear that? …that’s the sound of Dan Reynolds waking up. If their sophmore album was a necessarily dark album dealing with the regrets and sorrows of stardom, Imagine Dragons came around with their third album to make a bright, flying album that revolves around what comes after the dark times. It definitely feels alive and fresh, using a new coat of digital paint to make the color pop. It’s pretty close to exactly what the doctor ordered for them. And their songwriting keeps getting better (I love the flow of the last verse of “Whatever It Takes”). Imagine Dragons shows they’re not afraid to be around for the long run with this release, and it’s a joy to listen to.
*I Don’t Know Why, Walking The Wire, The Mouth Of The River
—-
12. Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit - The Nashville Sound
I love, love, love, love Jason Isbell. His songwriting to me is one form of the amazing eiptome of the human experience. Does that make sense? (…Eh, who cares.) So real. Bare. Honest. I love it. He’s back with his band this time around after a couple of solo albums that I still adore, and although this one might not be *quite* up to the level of those two for me, this is still a really, really good album. As far as folk/alt-country artists go, this guy’s a monster. Definitely worth a listen.
*Last Of My Kind, Hope The High Road, If We Were Vampires
11. London Grammer - Truth Is A Beautiful Thing
I remember listening to this one for the first time vividly. I was walking down a dark neighborhood street at probably 12:30 AM when “Big Picture” came on. It was like as the song progressed and the music picked up the stars started to pop out, the mountains’ dark outlines became clear, and by the time the song hit its peak I felt alive and deep in the night. The album held onto that feeling. If that makes sense. It was a great walk that night. London Grammer took seemingly forever to realease this album, to the point where I honestly stopped caring for it to come out after loving their debut album, but it blew me away when it came out. It took everything great about their first album and improved it. Subtle. Calming. Aching. Enveloping. It’s easy to dive into when the time is right. Beautiful, beautiful album.
*Big Picture, Truth Is A Beautiful Thing
—-
10. Taylor Swift - Reputation
Were you ready for it? Once T-Swift drops a new album, there’s no getting away from hearing it. And the reason for that? She makes *dang* good pop albums, even since the days when she was still “country.” She knows her craft very well (image-wise as well as musically) and has definitely deserved her wild success. I still consider “1989” to be one of the best pop albums ever (or at least in the past two decades or so), so this one had high expectations coming into it. Well, I’d say it was a success. I mean, I could do another essay on this album. No, it’s not at the level of her last album, but she once again made a solid case for her being the current queen of pop. She dives further into production trends here, but does them better than really anyone else. Her lyrics are honest and sharper than ever, but she still has those fun moments of just being Taylor Swift in there too. So beyond all the mania building up to and during the release of this album, it’s a great album by one of today’s biggest superstars.
*Delicate, End Game, Dancing With Our Hands Tied
—-
9. Aaron Watson - Vaquero
This album *feels* like Texas, and I love it. I hadn’t even heard of Aaron Watson until a few weeks ago, but I was already blown away and honestly kind of emotional by the very first chorus of the very first track (“Texas Lullaby”). It’s like I was *there*. Back down South. Big calm fields, even bigger blue skies. I don’t think there are any big radio hits on this album, but the songs are so. dang. good. Ugh! This guy is genuine and obviously has a soul full of that sweet country music. Every country music fan out there should know this album.
*Texas Lullaby, Take You Home Tonight, Run Wild Horses, Amen Amigo
—–
8. Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.
I need to watch out here, because I could easily write an essay on this album. In my opinion, Kendrick is crazy-far ahead of everyone else in the rap world concerning beats and overall production. Kendrick always pushes the limit of what a rap song can be, finding new ways of making something innovative the new hit. I’d even say he’s already the best rap artist ever in terms of making brilliant albums, and not just making them a great collection of songs. He’s always brilliant and innovative, but never at the expense of losing mass popularity and creating disconnect between he and the average listener. Along with the brilliant songs by themseleves that make up this album, the concept and vision of the album itself as a whole is brilliant (if you don’t know, look into playing the track order in reverse). I dunno, he just constantly amazes me. Every time. Kendrick’s working his way up to legend status.
*FEEL., LOVE., GOD.
7. Ryan Adams - Prisoner
Chances are you probably don’t know who Ryan Adams is. That’s okay. You’re not alone. It’s an epidemic. I first heard him a few years ago when he released his beautiful cover album of Taylor Swift’s 1989, and I pretty close to instantly fell in love with his music. He has a lot of heart, and he can write a heck of a song. Seems like he’s sure fighting a lot of heartache and heartbreak in this album and is learning how to move on from loss, and he tells it beautifully. I’d definitely recommend you give this one a chance.
*Doomsday, Shiver And Shake
—-
6. John Mayer - The Search For Everything
John Mayer is one of my absolute favorite songwritiers/artists. It just seems like he gets *it*. His songs seep passion and integrity, along with emotion and an abundance of amazing musicianship. He knows amazing skills and all that, but he understands heart, and that’s the core of his music. This album also seems like it has an extra dose of direct honesty in it as compared to his previous works. There are colors of hope, understanding, doubt, love, loneliness, and all else that paint what it means to be human in this album, and they’re bright and genuine here. It’s also cool to see him mix his almost-americana-ish influences of the past few years with the smooth coolness of his Continuum days. Another great one by one of the greatest songwriters/musicians of our generation.
*Emoji Of A Wave, You’re Gonna Live Forever In Me, Never On The Day You Leave
—–
5. Bleachers - Gone Now
I love this album. Straight up. One of the biggest surprises of the year, and I couldn’t be happier about it. You might not think you know Jack Antanoff (a.k.a. Bleachers), but if you’ve ever listened to any recent Taylor Swift or Lorde tracks, you do. His work as a producer is well-known (like I said, big ol’ T-Swift and Lorde tracks among others), but this is his own project from his own mouth, and it is one of my favorite albums of the year. He gets modern and experimental without sacrificing any heart from the songs, and also makes classic callbacks comparable to bands such as The Beatles (“Goodmorning”), while still managing to give them have a beautiful shiny modern polish. There’s a hidden reason T-Swift and Lorde have done so well lately. This album will tell you all about it.
*Goodmorning, I Miss Those Days, Let’s Get Married
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westfallingforchaol · 7 years ago
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I’m incredibly conscious now of the fact that I start every monthly wrap-up post with a generic line about how the year is flying by so fast, and that I can’t believe it’s X month already, even though it’s always true. So, I refuse to do that from here on out. But then… how do I start these posts? I’m in sort of a sticky situation.
July was a month of ups and downs in my personal life.
It started with a bang – quite literally. For the first time since I moved to the US, I was actually in New York City for July 4th, so my parents and I headed over to Manhattan to the East River to watch the legendary Macy’s fireworks show. Getting there a few hours early just to score a good spot was worth it – the show was absolutely beautiful, and I loved a nice outing with my family. My parents are always so busy with their business, and I’m almost always away for school, we rarely get to spend time together. The occasion was nice, if only for that.
I’m such a lazy person, you have no idea. I can spend days inside the house, watching TV, reading books, listening to music for days without a care in the world, so it’s surprising how many times I actually got off my ass and headed into the city this month. I live quite far away when I’m not dorm-ing for university. I need to take a train for forty-five minutes, then a thirty-minute ferry just to get into the city… then, the Manhattan travel is another story completely. But one day, I set aside everything and headed to the city to hang out with a friend. We saw The Big Sick, I broke my book-buying ban for just a little while and bought four books from the Strand, and then I saw Spiderman: Homecoming at the iMax in Lincoln Square. I honestly thought Spiderman: Homecoming wasn’t worth the hype, but I still enjoyed the film; The Big Sick was wonderful though.
I finally joined the gym, much to the glee of my parents, lol. I’ve been meaning to lose weight for a really long time now, but I hate exercising – especially if it’s the gym. I like to swim, but there aren’t any good pools around me, so the gym is always my last resort. I almost never want to go willingly. But hopefully I’ll start making a change to my lifestyle. It’s needed.
In memory of Chester Bennington
Perhaps the one thing that hit me hardest this summer was the lead singer of Linkin Park, Chester Bennington’s death. When I was nine years old, I had just lost my younger brother to cancer, and my parents and I moved across the world from London to Pakistan to start over, for all intents and purposes. I had suddenly become an only-child, my parents’ relationship was fraying at the edges with more fights than I could handle, and I found myself in a surrounding that was completely foreign to me. At that time, I relied almost entirely on music to get me through the day. And when Linkin Park’s music came into my life, suddenly I felt that there was someone in the world I could relate to.
Ever since, I’ve turned to the band’s music – in its always-evolving creativity – to get me through some of my hardest times. The band wasn’t something that was there for me during my childhood or teenage years – they were there for me now. They were the first celebrities I decided to properly fangirl over, to the point of watching backstage videos of them goofing around, having fun. I sat through hours and hours of concert footage, in complete awe. I’ve cried with them, I’ve laughed with them, I’ve hurt with them… and then, to suddenly get the news that the person who literally saved your life has passed away by taking his own? That broke me for a while.
I spent days mourning Chester. I cried for him, and I’ve never cried over a celebrity death before- it just hit me so deeply in a place that hadn’t hurt for a long time. I spent days beating myself up: 1) I didn’t even know him, so how in the world could this hit me so hard, and 2) if he really did save my life, I strangely felt guilty that I couldn’t do anything to ease the pain he was in. But then I realized a few things – Chester’s music touched me because he was open about what he was going through, and by sharing himself, his heart and soul, he helped a lot of people. This became apparent as millions of people around the world mourned him, and wrote thinkpieces about how much Chester meant to them in their teenage years. And I realized that I wasn’t alone in mourning someone I didn’t know; he wasn’t just a singer, just some celebrity. He was my support system in my darkest of times, and I had come to consider him a friend. For me, losing him was like losing a friend, and it hurt. A lot.
I’ll miss Chester a lot, because for a while there after his death, I felt lost. Back in that nine year-old body. A kid who doesn’t know what to do anymore. How are you supposed to live in a world where the person who saved your life ends up taking his own? But with the support of my friends, the community and Linkin Park and Chester themselves, I’ve learned that it’s okay to hurt. It’s strange, but ever since he passed, I’ve shared more about my insecurities with my friends than I ever had before, and I’m slowly starting to learn that it’s alright to be vulnerable with people. We’re all human beings who hurt and suffer, and it’s so important to tell people what you’re going through. Ultimately, I’ll always be thankful to him, and the band for making me who I am, for staying with me when there wasn’t a light to hold on to. I’ll be… always thankful. And I’ll always remember Chester, both for what he’s done for me, and for the kind, funny, wonderful, brave person he was.
But you’re all here for my reading wrap-up, so enough of this, and let’s get into the books!
I read a lot this month. And by a lot, I mean a LOT.
Back in 2014, there was a time when I was reading an average of one book every two days. Somewhere along the way, I lost my mojo – I blame Netflix and school, but after years, this month was an incredible one. I was reading constantly – in the form of audiobooks, backlist books, ARCs, whatever. I’m on a book-buying ban; I can only buy a new book after I have read five books that I already own, and in an effort to buy a book I’ve been looking forward to reading, I’ve been reading my owned books quicker. Does that make sense? So in total, I read a whopping sixteen books! A bunch of them were great reads –  some of them were bad eggs, so here’s the breakdown by the order in which I read them:
🌟🌟🌟🌟
🌟🌟🌟🌟 1/2
🌟🌟🌟
🌟🌟
EARTH BOY (SON OF DJINN #2) BY SAMI SHAH // 🌟🌟🌟🌟
Earth Boy was an incredible finale to an incredible duology full of djinn, chudails, infused with South Asian and Islamic lore, full to the brim with genuine scares, beautifully constructed writing, dark humor, and complicated social issues. I am so deeply in love with the world Sami Shah has crafted, with the characters in these two books, and the fierce adventures they go on. It’s genuinely dark and delicious with creatures and myths from some of my worst nightmares, but not only that, Sami Shah also ensures that he discusses relevant things like intolerance, poverty and terrorism while he’s telling a fast-paced, action-packed story. I cannot recommend this duology enough. It’s so underrated, so please check it out!
Triggers apply for: Torture, rape, child abuse, terrifying scenes, strong violence.
🌼
LITTLE & LION BY BRANDY COLBERT // 🌟🌟🌟🌟 1/2
Little & Lion was definitely my favorite book of the month. It’s a wholesome contemporary by definition of the concept with a strong focus on one girl’s relationship with her stepbrother, her family, her friends, her two crushes, and herself. It’s a book with a diverse cast of characters, tackling issues of racism, microaggressions, biphobia, mental health stigma, and figuring out who you are at an age where very little makes sense. It’s a book I will recommend for a long, long time. It releases on the 8th of this month, so please jump on it. Here’s my review.
Triggers apply for: Micro-aggressions for racism, biphobia, lesbophobic slurs, mental health stigma, anxiety, bipolar disorder.
🌼
THE GENTLEMAN’S GUIDE TO VICE & VIRTUE BY MACKENZI LEE // 🌟🌟🌟
This was a book I was highly anticipating, and considering the hype monster around it, I was super excited to get to it. It’s a tome of a book with almost 600 pages with a diverse cast of characters on a road trip in eighteenth century Europe. There’s adventure, humor, romance, sex, scandal and some magic thrown in the mix, resulting in an extremely fast-paced, action-packed book that’s just incredibly fun to read. But despite enjoying it, I couldn’t bring myself to like the main character. He was too frat-boyish to me, and I understand he’s meant to be unlikable in order for the redemption to happen, but he says way too many things and does way too many things for me to be able to forgive him over the course of a hundred or so pages. Moreover, I felt the paranormal aspect fell flat, and the plot could’ve been more cohesive.
Triggers apply for: racism, homophobia, misogyny, ableism.
🌼
THE 57 BUS BY DASHKA SLATER // 🌟🌟
Like most autobiographies/biographies, I’m uncomfortable reviewing this… It zooms in on a hate crime committed against an agender teen named Sasha, who’s skirt was lit on fire by a young black teen one fateful bus ride. Sasha’s story is a real one – they went through the very real physical and emotional trauma of the crime, while Richard – the person who uncharacteristically committed the horrendous crime – underwent the punishment. Dashka Slater, through real interviews, police files, news clippings, etcetera, pieces together a deeply intimate look at the failings of the justice system, how institutionalized and systematic racism is ruining black youth’s lives, putting them at a severe disadvantage. However, Slater – a white woman – uses the N-word several times in the book… and… that word is not for a non-black person to use. To me, while the criminal justice system’s exposé was important, I also felt the book was unbalanced and the emphasis was placed on the person who committed the crime over the person who was the victim. This made me uncomfortable.
Triggers apply for: use of racist and nonbinary-phobic and transphobic slurs, misgendering, hate crime against an agender teen, institutionalized racism.
🌼
🌟🌟🌟🌟
🌟🌟🌟🌟
🌟
🌟1/2
THE COLDEST GIRL IN COLDTOWN BY HOLLY BLACK // 🌟🌟🌟🌟
This was the first Holly Black book I’ve ever read, and it definitely will not be the last. It was perfectly balanced with the right amount of romance, the right amount of action, and the perfect creep-factor. I’m not big on vampire novels, because most of them have already been done already… what’s new to be offered in the genre? But Holly Black makes them sexy and interesting again; I loved the characters, and I enjoyed the main character’s feisty yet compassionate, kind, vulnerable self too. I’m so excited to read other books by Black.
🌼
GOODBYE DAYS BY JEFF ZENTNER // 🌟🌟🌟🌟
Goodbye Days was a book that took me by surprise; I became more invested in the characters than I thought I would, and I found myself mourning people that were dead before the book even began. I loved the concept of saying one final goodbye to people who’ve been taken way too soon, and I think Zentner deals with topics of grief, loss and guilt extremely well. I did, however, take issue with some of the unchallenged suicide/self-harm jokes in the book. You can read my full review here.
Triggers apply for: Racist micro-aggressions against a Filipina character, suicide/self-harm jokes, homophobic jokes (mostly challenged), grief, death.
🌼
CARAVAL BY STEPHANIE GARBER // 🌟
The hype monster for Caraval was one of the biggest hype monsters I’ve ever seen in my four years of blogging. And because of this reason, this book was a massive let down. I hated the main characters, the sisterhood bond was nothing short of a joke, serious issues were used as plot devices without exploring potential psychological ramifications, and the writing was inconsistent and seemed try-hard. You can find my full review here.
Triggers apply for: Suicide, physical and emotional abuse by a parent, self-harm.
🌼
THE LOVE INTEREST BY CALE DIETRICH // 🌟 1/2
This was probably one of the most disappointing books I’ve read this year – mainly because I’ve had my eye on it ever since it was announced! It sounded amazing: a satirical take on dystopians with a love triangle where the two dudes fall in love with each other? Bro, that sounds so cool. But the characters were extremely flat, to the point where the satire became laughable on its own. The writing wasn’t special, and it read more like a contemporary than a sci-fi dystopian. I DNF’d at 55%.
🌼
🌟🌟🌟
🌟🌟🌟🌟
🌟🌟🌟🌟
🌟🌟🌟
THAT THING WE CALL A HEART BY SHEBA KARIM // 🌟🌟🌟
As a Pakistani Muslim, I barely get any representation in YA lit, so imagine my glee when I found out that this was a book that offered me just that. And while Sheba Karim does a great deal of things right in this book, much of it fell flat. It deals with open, frank discussions about religion, Islamophobia in the West, expectations from hijabis, assigning statuses and labeling people as “representatives” of a certain identity. I adored the main character’s best friend to the point where I wanted the book to be about her, rather than Shabnam, the protagonist. I hated Shabnam, and that was the point but her development and redemption doesn’t come soon enough to save the novel. The romance was cringe-worthy and cheesy too.
🌼
THERE’S SOMEONE INSIDE YOUR HOUSE BY STEPHANIE PERKINS // 🌟🌟🌟🌟
There’s Someone Inside Your House was a delight to read. I read it in a couple of sittings, flying through it with ferocious speed. It was so incredibly fun, reminiscent of slasher flicks set in small towns. Stephanie Perkins is a talented writer, of course, and it shows because she strikes the perfect balance between her trademark cutesy contemporary (because the romance in this is adorable), while also doing justice to the thrill and horror of the serial killer storyline. The cast was diverse as well, and I enjoyed the atmospheric quality of the entire book. It would honestly make a great TV show.
Triggers apply for: some transphobic language was in my ARC, but I know Perkins has since addressed and amended it for the final copy; racist microagressions against the main character who is biracial black/Native Hawaiian; graphic depictions of murder & gore.
🌼
THE EPIC CRUSH OF GENIE LO BY F. C. YEE // 🌟🌟🌟🌟
This was a book everywhere on Twitter, and rightfully so. The Epic Crush of Genie Lo is an incredible urban-fantasy inspired by Chinese lore with a feisty, relatable main character who’s trying to handle her schoolwork, her future plans for college, a separated family, and a bodyshaming yet loving mother… and now you’re throwing demons in the mix?! It was adventurous, fast-paced, action-packed, and at times laugh-out-loud funny, while never losing its charm of being subtly relatable with characters that you grow to adore. My only real complaint was that I would’ve preferred more balance between the action and the slower moments, even if that meant the book had to be fifty or so pages longer.
🌼
SAINTS AND MISFITS BY S. K. ALI // 🌟🌟🌟
I set myself up for disappointment for this book, mainly because perhaps I was expecting a little too much. For one, there is so much this book does right. It’s true that Western media often only promotes Muslim books that fit their own version of what Islam should be like. Saints & Misfits is unapologetically Muslim, with a lovable, wonderful main character who takes pride in her culture, religion and is fully immersed in it, while never being defined by it either. I loved her relationship with her family and friends, and I loved seeing her develop over the course of the novel. But there was virtually very little plot, which will eventually be the downfall of the book for readers who enjoy a more cohesive storyline.
Triggers apply for: sexual assault.
🌼
🌟🌟
🌟🌟1/2
🌟
🌟🌟🌟1/2
FINAL GIRLS BY RILEY SAGER // 🌟🌟
After the magic of There’s Someone Inside Your House, I was in a bit of a thriller/slasher kick, so I decided to pick up Final Girls – which was a book I was absolutely certain I was going to enjoy. But I was left severely disappointed. It was exciting and unputdownable, that’s for certain, but the characters were flat, and it was more mystery than thriller or horror. The mental illness representation was awful, and there were so many insensitive remarks thrown towards someone who committed suicide- it made me stomach turn. The ending was cheesy and cartoon villain-y. It was just… a disappointment.
Triggers apply for: Poor mental illness representation, suicide, violent murder.
🌼
THE SERPENT KING BY JEFF ZENTNER // 🌟🌟 1/2
After loving Goodbye Days by the same author earlier in the month, I decided to give his debut novel a go too, but it definitely wasn’t as good as his second. The Serpent King explores the South, religion, guilt and feeling stuck as well as I expected Zentner too, but most of the characters didn’t connect with me. Plus, I felt that Dill’s mental health was glossed over – more emphasis needed to be placed on therapy and recovery. I also didn’t feel a connection between the two people involved in the main romance at all. I’ll avoid saying more for risk of spoilers. There’s also a lot of racism and use of slurs in the book – these aren’t unchallenged, and they’re clearly not Zentner’s views but rather an authentic portrayal of the backwardness of many in the South, but I felt this could’ve been done without the use of slurs.
Triggers apply for: pedophilia, depression, religious intolerance, racism, homophobic slurs, grief, death.
🌼
WHEN I CAST YOUR SHADOW BY SARAH PORTER // 🌟
Listen… I wish I could tell you what this book was, but I genuinely have no clue. It was so… weird and disturbing. For starters, the characters were all one-dimensional, flat and pretentious even when they showed the slightest bit of personality. The book was messed up on so many levels with some incest going on, some statutory rape that is never properly addressed, a dude possessing his own brother and then sleeping with his girlfriend, like… what the fuck was this book, and how was half this stuff greenlit?! It’s safe to say that I despised it, and I honestly cannot believe I made it through the whole thing.
Triggers apply for: vague incest stuff, sexual assault, statutory rape, drug use, death by overdose, suicidal ideations, self-harm.
🌼
NEVER LET ME GO BY KAZUO ISHIGURO // 🌟🌟🌟 1/2
Never Let Me Go had been on my TBR for approximately 4459679456 years, and I finally got around to reading it – and I must say that I enjoyed it more than I thought it would. I couldn’t put it down; it was definitely a page-turner, and I enjoyed the personal way it was written. It felt like Kathy was sitting in front of me, telling me the story as it happened, rather than me reading it from the eyes of someone who lived it. I enjoyed the duplicity and multi-faceted personalities of the characters, and was invested in all their conflicts; however, for a large portion in the middle of the book during their time in the Cottage, I lost interest, and much of that interest never came back. Plus, the ending was super info-dumpey.
Triggers apply for: disturbing thematic content, grief, loss.
🌼
Apart from reading, I watch Netflix and listen to music.
I’ve been re-watching The Office over the summer, and I’m almost done with Season 6 now; if you haven’t looked into watching it, I highly suggest you do. The first season is a little dull, but it gets incredibly funny during the second season. I’ve been meaning to watch a new TV show before the summer officially ends, so if you have any suggestions, let me know.
Also, Game of Thrones is back! I loved the first three episodes, even though parts of them felt very fan-fictiony. I’m just so stoked that these storylines are continuing, and I’m getting to see some of my favorite characters be bad-ass. Just crossing my fingers and hoping for George R. R. Martin to hurry up with the sixth book.
As for music, I’ve decided that instead of individually linking videos like I do every month, I would construct a playlist of what I’ve been listening to for the month. So here’s my Spotify list of great songs you should maybe (definitely) check out, including some pop, some rock, some electronic. All over the place, like it goes.
So that’s it for my July wrap-up. Let me know if you’ve read any of the books mentioned above, and if you did, what’d you think of them? I hope July was a wonderful month for y’all, and I hope August is even better. As always – thanks for stopping by, and happy reading!
Monthly Recap: July ’17 I'm incredibly conscious now of the fact that I start every monthly wrap-up post with a generic line about how the year is flying by so fast, and that I can't believe it's X month already, even though it's always true.
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flashinglights-rp · 7 years ago
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Thank you for your audition, ELISSA. We are thrilled to welcome you into the group as the Third Harper who you have chosen to name NATÁLIA ROSA, with the faceclaim of Demi Lovato, and we truly cannot wait to meet them. Please send in your account in the next 24 hours, and read over the new members checklist before sending in your link.
ABOUT YOU ➝
NAME/PRONOUNS: Elissa. AGE (18+): 25. TIMEZONE: GMT. ACTIVITY LEVEL: 7/10. I work from home, and I’m pretty much available all summer. TRIGGERS: Removed. ANYTHING ELSE?: Removed.
CHARACTER BASICS ➝
CHARACTER NAME: Natália Rosa Harper. FACE CLAIM: Demi Lovato. GENDER/PRONOUNS: Female, She/Her. AGE/BIRTHDAY: 23, August 4th. BIRTH ORDER: Third. Solo. SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Closeted Bisexual. ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Closeted Biromantic. JOB ROLE: Actress in both television and movies, as well as a musician/solo artist.
FAMILY STATS ➝
HOMETOWN: Dallas, Texas. PARENT NAMES/STATUS: Robert and Camila Harper were married. Robert is deceased. NUMBER OF PLAYABLE CHILDREN: Four. NUMBER OF NON-PLAYABLE CHILDREN: None. ADDITIONAL INFORMATION:
Robert and Camila are (were, in Robert’s case) totally fame obsessed, and always pushed their kids into the spotlight.
They have homes in both Dallas and Los Angeles.
The Harper kids have pretty thick Southern accents.
Robert and Camila are very religious and homophobic.
Robert passed away about a year ago in a car wreck.
Camila is now engaged to an old flame named Justin, but uses her husband’s death to get as much attention as possible.
Justin has two children, the first and fourth siblings in this family, from his former marriage.
Justin’s children have strong Dutch accents.
While the Harper children have no other siblings, the De Vries children have a 17 year old half-sister named Lotte, and a 14 year old half-brother named Elmo.
REQUIREMENTS:
The De Vries children should have Dutch names.
The second sibling must be a biologically Robert’s.
The first and fourth children must be Justin’s, and not biologically related to the Harper’s at all.
ADOPTED SIBLINGS ALLOWED?: No. HALF-SIBLINGS ALLOWS?: Yes.
BIOGRAPHY ➝
[tw: eating disorder]
Whether it’s fair to say it or not, it’s the plain and simple truth that Natália’s parents did not want her. Her father, Robert, had already left his first wife because she’d gotten pregnant and he hadn’t wanted that responsibility, so when Camila accidentally fell pregnant with their child, it was safe to say Robert wasn’t the least bit pleased. Neither was Camila, having never wanted children herself. Though, their religious beliefs would not allow for a termination, and for some reason that Natália will never understand, Robert loved his second wife too much to leave her. As well as no desire to start a family, the Harper’s didn’t really have the means to. Their income came from the family farm that Robert had recently inherited. However, following an ad they stumbled on from a diaper company, they realized their little unwanted blessing could help solve their financial problems. One of their sonogram pictures was used in a commercial for the diaper brand soon after.
It wasn’t like they made millions from it, but it was evident their unborn baby was their ticket to a quick buck, and soon baby Natália’s arrival became more anticipated than dreaded. It would be unfair to say the Harper’s didn’t love their daughter once she arrived, but they didn’t love her in the normal, conventional way most parents did. They were far more concerned with the money she could bring them than they were with showing actual affection for her. To Natália, this was something she never questioned. Why would she, when she’d never known anything different?
Because of something to do with her positioning in the womb, Natália, known more commonly as Tália, was always a little smaller than average, in both height and weight. In fact, there was concern about just how tiny she was at first. No one is saying Robert and Camila weren’t worried about their daughter’s health, but they definitely enjoyed the extra opportunities it brought to them. Tália was tiny and adorable, so plenty of agencies wanted to snatch her up. Now, not only did they have their own living, breathing meal ticket to flaunt, but she looked sick. Of course they were going to grab themselves all of the attention and opportunities that brought with it. In herself, though, Tália was perfectly healthy. The Harper’s saw to it that they hooked her up with an agency; then, at barely five months old, Natália was cast in her first commercial. Another diaper brand, apparently. Though, she has never actually watched it, despite her parents having an old copy on VHS. Being so young, Tália didn’t have to have any special talent. All she had to do was lay there with a couple cameras pointed at her, and be picked up by an on-screen mom, though Camila branded her a natural.
It seemed, from that very moment, Natália had been forced into finding her calling, and would be stuck with it for life. Well, half of it, anyway. Before she’d even reached her first birthday, she’d starred in two other commercials, and just a month after she’d turned one, she’d been cast as the main character’s youngest daughter, Holly-Jo, in a show titled Single With Children. Again, it didn’t take a whole lot of talent to be a one year old in a sitcom, so she was apparently a natural all over again, according to Camila. Filming took place right there in Dallas, which was fortunate, since the Harper’s wouldn’t have been able to afford a big move at that point, though they were better off after they begun receiving Natália’s pay packets. Single With Children actually did pretty well, running for a total of three seasons, with short hiatuses between, resulting in Tália being five years old before its ending. It had become a running joke for Holly-Jo to burst into song at random, inopportune times, so as well as gaining a little fame and money from the show, Natália’s voice was discovered then, too.
It could’ve been the stress of being a working girl at such a young age that started it, but Tália, who should’ve really been eating more than other children to make up for her size, developed something of an aversion to food. To begin with, she’d claim she was full after only eating half of her lunch, though it quickly progressed to her refusing to even entertain any kind of meal that was put in front of her. It had nothing to do with her wanting to manage her weight—she was five; her appearance meant nothing to her. She just didn’t enjoy eating, that was all. It got to a point where Tália was losing scary amounts of weight, her cheekbones and elbows practically sticking out of her skin, and the media definitely took note of it. Rather than ridicule her parents, though, they felt sorry for them. Robert and Camila had become pretty good at twisting things to paint them in the best light, and were all too happy to update their little girl’s adoring fans on her health issues. They met with multiple specialists, who all concluded that Tália’s food aversion was a psychological thing, and gave the Harper’s various concoctions to put into what little food she would eat to make sure she was getting everything she needed, and told them she would grow out of it. That was enough for Robert and Camila. Until she eventually did grow out of it, of course.
Tália’s eating habits remained pretty much the same for the next few years, with her becoming the face of children with eating disorders, and how they could still be beautiful and otherwise healthy. Against her own will, of course. Being so young, though, she had no say in it, nor did she care to have. She was seven years old before anything begun to change, with Natália slowly beginning to open up to the idea of eating a little more. Very, very gradually, her thin face began to fill out a little bit, until the changes started to become noticeable. Any other parents would’ve been thrilled, but not Natália’s. How could their daughter continue to bring them the money and attention she did for being a ‘sick kid’ if she wasn’t sick anymore? Rather than risk losing the recognition they got for it, they made quick but sly work of putting lies into their daughter’s mind about negative things that could happen if she started eating more, and began to decrease the amount of food they would give her, until she’d regressed right the way back again. At seven years old, Natália didn’t question it, nor did she tell anyone. She was about nine, and really beginning to develop her own mind, when she realized something was wrong.
Having grown more strong willed and sassy in recent years, Natália confronted them, and in front of her older sister during one of her father’s visitation weekends. She’d been hungry and wanted a snack. Her sister was eating cookies, while Tália wasn’t allowed any. All it took was hearing their daughter tell them she knew they were starving her for Robert and Camila to realize that what they were doing had to stop. Not because they felt bad, or because they realized how wrong it was, but because Natália had caught onto what they were doing, and they knew that all it would take would be for her to tell a teacher or a friend’s parent, and they’d wind up with social services on their doorstep. They were in the public eye now, after all; they had to be careful. Although they tried to convince the children that that wasn’t what had been happening, they changed their ways immediately, even handing Tália a whole bag of cookies to herself right there and then. They begun spoiling her with gifts, snacks and false affection to keep her quiet, but Natália had already begun to pull away, to the point of wanting nothing to do with them. They were her parents, they weren’t supposed to screw with her health like they had been. It wasn’t right.
As a little girl, Natália had practically idolized her mother. Camila was on set with her each and every day, and would constantly shower her daughter with praise and false affection. Tália pretty much hated her now, though. Her father, too. Throughout everything, fortunately she still had her sister. She started to become the person Tália ran to, rather than Robert or Camila, who had always at least pretended to be her biggest fans, and everything just seemed to turn upside down for her. Natália begun to act out in school, and relied much more heavily on her friends than she had ever done before. She had always enjoyed both acting and singing, but she didn’t want to do it anymore. Not knowing the lengths her parents had been going to to give her this weirdly desirable look that everybody had known her for. The only thing that kept her from quitting was that she was too young to do anything else, and at least working got her out of the house and away from her parents. With that in mind, Natália continued to take on roles in both TV shows and movies, with the family eventually buying a second home in Los Angeles now that they had the money for it, where Tália could take up more opportunities. That was where her musical career really took off, too.
Music had always taken something of a backseat to acting, but at least at home in her room, Natália would fill notebook after notebook with song lyrics that she’d pull out of nowhere. The world knew all about Tália Harper, so they knew about her vocal ability, and it wasn’t uncommon for a role to require her to sing, though it’d never really be the focal point for her character. It wasn’t until she was cast by Disney as the title character in a new show that her musical abilities were really highlighted. In the years that followed, she was cast yet again by Disney to appear as one of the main characters in an original movie. They asked for her input on the movie’s soundtrack, and Tália wound up not only writing, but also singing two of the main songs. This was followed by more Disney projects, namely two more original movies, where Natália’s character was required to sing again. She was signed to a label pretty quickly following all of this, and begun to release her own music into the world. She has since released multiple albums, done multiple tours, and continues to put new music out there whenever possible.
Having developed a natural talent for acting as well, Natália continues to do both. Luckily for her, the roles keep on coming, with Tália quickly becoming one of the most sought after actresses of her age. Her petite size, beautiful face, lengthy résumé, general talent, the fact that she could sing, and that charming southern accent set her apart, so now in her twenties, Tália still remains very active and present in front of the camera. While the family have homes in both Texas and California, Natália moved exclusively to LA shortly after her sixteenth birthday, and for a few years now, she has been working as one of the two main characters on a popular television show alongside her older sister. Although she’s still tiny and incredibly skinny, Tália managed to get her eating disorder under control a while back, but it’s coming back to her with full force, and she’s doing everything in her power to keep the world from finding out. Even more so because of her activism work as the continued face of the ED community. She won’t even admit her problem to herself, so good luck to everyone else, though she’s sure people have their suspicions.
AESTHETIC ➝
Standing at a tiny 5 ft, Natália looks much younger than her years. Her natural hair is pretty short, grazing her shoulders, and dark brown. Though, she occasionally wears extensions that reach to just below her chest, which she usually curls or at least waves. Tália tends to wear makeup at pretty much all times, as well as heels to compensate for her petite size. Though, she does own a few pairs of Converse, which she’ll usually wear for casual outings. Her style varies between anything from dresses to jeans to oversized sweaters, and she rarely leaves the house without at least a pair of earrings in. Natália also has a nose piercing, though she doesn’t always wear it. As for tattoos, she’s pretty much covered in them, though she likes to think they’re all tasteful, and can easily be covered up. From a flock of birds on her forearm to a large dreamcatcher on the side of her ribs, along with all of the positive quotes she has dotted around her skin, she adores each one of them, and definitely isn’t done adding to her collection.
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BOOK 1
Book Title: Crazy for You by Jennifer Crusie                                       February 22, 2017
Part 1:
A. Reflect- Quinn McKenzie has always lived what she calls a “beige” life. She’s dating the world’s nicest guy, she has a good job as a high school art teacher and she’s surrounded by family and friends who loves her. I was amazed by how she got her life so nice and how she managed to hold everything precisely in order. But everything changed as she decided to change her life. What upsets me most was because it all started by adopting a stray dog. Everything begins to spiral out of control. I guess it’s such a nasty thing to do—changed everything and she did neglect a two-year relationship just for a dog and I pity Bill so much for that. But as I started to figure out why Quinn did such thing, I think it’s the best thing she’d done. At least it freed her mind and herself from being unable to do what she wants to do and have—unlike when she’s still with Bill where her actions were limited and she couldn’t just get the things that she want because Bill is acting too superior on everything, including Quinn’s personal decisions.
B. Connect- Crazy for you is a book about obsession and freedom, which happens in reality. As soon as I’ve read the quote above, it reminds me of all the things and dreams I have with me and the reason why I’m here—reading books, complying such requirements and gathering my ideas.
Few years ago, like Bill, I began believing and soaring high to fulfill my dreams and I achieved some of it already. A lot of difficulties came along my way, I met few people who were meant to test my patience and determination. Few of them also helped me realize everything and even encourage me to dream big and that nothing is impossible.
Reading this book amazes me a lot. At first, I find it real-boring and such a waste of time and my mind is pinned to the thought and idea that the story is nonsense at all. Imagine yourself writing a story where the world of the female character goes round for the life of a stray dog. It make sense to me that Quinn is such a loving and a kind-hearted person, of course. I know that I’ll do the same thing that she’d done—keeping the dog and giving him/her a shelter but I couldn’t imagine myself neglecting the person I love just for a stray dog—and that was my mistake. I misjudged Quinn then.
One scene that leaves a mark in my mind and awakens my senses was when Bill maltreated the dog—whose name is Katie. Bill and Quinn argued ‘coz of the fact that it’s only Bill’s wants and needs that she’s always after to and it hit me right there and then.
In my 18 years of existence, I’ve met a lot of people who were really hard to deal with. I always end up following them, not because I’m afraid to lose them (well, partly yes) but because I’m not that kind of person who loves to argue and I always end up being aggravated. That became my habit—not until I finished this novel. I realized that sometimes, it’s much better to follow what your heart is really beating for and that saying NO is not a bad thing—in fact, it’s the best that you can do for yourself to be happy because at first, happiness starts within yourself and you should not depend your happiness to others.
C. Question- At the beginning of the story, I find it so dull and it really puzzled and confused me a lot on the fact that how could a stray dog be the reason why a two-year relationship is ruined? I mean, I don’t get it why it has to be complicated and if it’s me on the position and situation of Quinn, I wouldn’t change and end everything just for a dog—people will find it funny. Why would she prefer their relationship to be ruined and end than to send the dog to a pound? Does it has something to do with their “couple issues”? What kind of a boyfriend is Bill? What kind of a person is Quinn?
 D. Predict- I think the reason why Quinn made a choice of letting their relationship to end is that because the dog gives her happiness that she never experience and less than Bill can do. I think it has something to do with their issues as a couple such as Quinn isn’t contented anymore on the way Bill have made her feel important and on how they view things individually and as a couple for example on giving importance to the thing called “life” – of the dog. I presume that Bill is a kind of boyfriend who only wants the best for his girl and always want her to feel that she’s safe and loved without thinking that he’s already doing too much that causes pain to Quinn without him knowing it while on the other hand, Quinn is a kind-hearted person who loves to help her loved ones no matter what and love to take risks to help the ones in need not thinking of what will be the consequences that she’ll face after helping them—and I think that’s what make Bill and Quinn totally different and unique.
 Part 2:
           Dear Ms. Crusie,
                       Hi Madame! This is to let you know that I admire your work a lot but sorry ‘coz I also need to be honest that I find it boring at first. I love the way how your story flows. It’s very timely up to now and I presume that the millennial’s could relate themselves to the character of Bill. Partly obsessed to music and entertainment, so as to the different social media accounts, to the different trends in fashion and of course, when it comes to love to the point that they’re willing to kill their rival just to win the love of their life back, just like what Bill did when Quinn broke up with him.
                        I wonder how and who’s or what’s your inspiration when writing this story. Your story just come together with the right touches of humor and some pretty-sexy-funny dialogue. It’s a little wild too. I’m now rooting around for more of you. Though it takes me three-long weeks to finish reading it, I can prove and humbly say that it’s definitely worth the read and I hope you wouldn’t mind if I find it boring at first.
                       Ma’am, thank you for making me hold my sides with laughter. I also want to thank you for making me cry my heart out and for making me too fascinated. May you continue to write more inspiring and breath-taking yet very fulfilling and timely story that everyone can relate themselves to it. God bless you and long-live in the industry of writing.
             Yours Truly,
           Kae Shane Namion
-oo00oo-
 Sometimes you need something new to feel alive again..
Sometimes what used to be good isn’t enough no more..
Old Quinn McKenzie’s changed—totally..
Is it because of a stray dog? Well, partly MAYBE.
 ..
Obsession, superiority, love, and hatred..
Wits combined and the outcome’s a little bit funny..
McKenzie’s known for her independency..
Who could’ve thought she’d be needing someone to insure her security?
 ..
It’s been declared that things between Bill and her is totally over.
Bill’s anger is ruling him over and poor little Katie’s in danger..
His obsession has gone too far..
Hurting his Quinn—neglecting his promise not to make her cry or even a frown..
 ..
Maybe ‘twas just right for them to part ways..
Quinn finally realized that sometimes,
Someone needs to be mature enough to understand and protect her..
Right there and then, the handsome-devilish Nick Ziegler,
Her best friend—came as her rescuer.
tps:/w ���)��
--
BOOK 2 
Book Title: Sam’s Letter to Jennifer by James Patterson
February 22, 2017
 Part 1:
 A. Reflect- Jennifer is a woman who first lost her husband and miscarried their little “peanut” and being summoned back to her hometown because of a phone call regarding Sam—her best friend. Back in the house where she spent her most magical years, she found a bundle of letters at the top of the bedside table on her old room. Astonished by how she handle and deal with everything she’s in to. Well, maybe she’s somehow faking the emotions that she shows but it’s not really what she feel—and yes, she’s good at it. She’s been strong enough for such a long time, not until she met Brendan Keller—her “brother” in Lake Geneva back on those summer days. Wondering who Sam really is plus the fact that she have Brendan makes my thoughts jumbled. I guessed about it too many times and ending up with a thought “Lucky her, she’s got two men who loves her.” Continually reading the text helped me sort out my ideas and freed my mind to know the characters more.
B. Connect- Have you ever gotten a letter or a message and even a certificate that changed your life completely? It happened to me once way back in the year 2015. It was the month of September when I first received a message that our dearest Victorio—my grandfather, was sent to the hospital because of seizures and some underlying diseases. I was in the middle of a review for my upcoming exams that time and as soon as I finished reading the message makes me want to have a long jump way to the hospital where he was confined but I just can’t. I was mentally absent the whole time not until I got a phone call from my mama telling me that everything was under control and he’s doing fine already.
Weeks have passed and he was still confined, he’s doing fine but his body isn’t. He’s partially paralyzed and isn’t able to talk and that broke me into pieces. I don’t have anything to do, I’m way too far and that thought add the guilt that I have. The doctor sent him home reassuring that he’s already managed to be well. Everything that was normal before he was diagnosed had changed. Totally changed as soon as I received a call from my cousin—who’s such a numb one not giving me warning or even asking me a question. I got my knees with me as I sat down. Our Victorio’s gone, forever. Like Jen, I went home with an empty mind and with tears from my eyes—with mixed emotions. As I arrived home, I didn’t mind and manage to take time to pay respect to the elders and hurried to the room where I last saw him. Before I noticed, I was already yelping on the floor. He made a promise that he’ll be strong and he’s strong like Sam, but he’s already gone. One of the reasons why I’m striving hard is gone. Funny and scary how a message could change your whole life, isn’t it? But like Jen, I—together with my family managed ourselves to overcome and recover from it.
C. Question- I wonder who is Sam in Jennifer’s life. Is he a he or a she? What’s the cause of Danny’s death? Not much for a woman like Jen but what’s Brendan Keller’s role in her life then? To whose hands will Jenn end up?
D. Predict- Maybe Sam is her admirer hiding with the label as “best friend” and only have the guts to confess the feelings. Maybe he’s really a she, no—he’s really a he. I think Yeah, I think he’s really a he. Danny’s death was because of a cancer, a stage 4 lung cancer. Brendan Keller on the other hand may be a rival and a lover and maybe, if given the chance, Jennifer will fall on Brendan’s hands and she’ll be happy again and will be able to fulfill the role she failed to do the first time she had the chance—being a mother.
PART 2:
           The part or scene of the stort that really leaves a mark in my mind and in my heart was when Brendan left Lake Geneva—on his way to Chicago, without Jenn knowing what the real reason was. It happened the night after Brendan’s birthday celebration where Brendan himself surprised Jennifer that it’s his birthday.
           I think the reason why Brendan left without saying a word to Jenn, personally because he can’t find the right words to say and that maybe because he’s changed his mind and he doesn’t really love Jennifer.
                                           -oo000oo-
 The best things is yet to come out.
Like living the life that you ever wanted to work out..
We (I) get tired and left out...
But come to think of it as obstacles or some kind of things that needed to be sorted out..
..
What are we but our stories?
Sample was life’s like a wheel, spinning and turning upside and down..
We met people out of plan but with good purpose to us and in the society..
Some were meant to pass by and give test our capabilities..
Only few were meant to stay and determined not to leave no matter what..
 ..
Then one day, we woke up realizing everything about life..
Got up from bed and went back and cried..
You and I—we aren’t sad. Not at all, my friend..
It was just so beautiful to have an intense feeling and the right words at the same time..
The thought that for such a long time, it seemed that life was about to begin—a REAL LIFE.
Though there’s still some unfinished business and the time still needed to be wisely served..
The importance of life is yet to be fully-discovered.
 ..
One thing it taught at times is that “Love never dies...”
Somehow hidden but not at all times..
One more thing is that second chances are always worth given a try..
--
BOOK 3
Book Title: Bright Hopes by Pat Warren                             March 23, 2017
 Part 1:
         How two people with opposite beliefs, opposite attitudes and contradicting principles can will be able to create a harmonious relationship? How love and a loving relationship—except having a positive mental attitude, became an effective way to lessen the progression of a disease?
         I adore how Pam Casals’ became a bright, vivacious and a dedicated person and on how her infectious enthusiasm and courage inspires everyone around her. Yet, it is awful how someone like Patrick Kelsey tries real hard to get close to her and she always seem to back herself off.  I, myself shares half of what Patrick have felt but also considering Pam’s personal reason of doing such action.
As I went on reading and as the characters helped me know every single details of their lives as well as how mysterious the town of Tyler is, I understand why Coach Casals tend to hide the truth—both from the Titans, from Patrick and the whole town itself. It’s never been right and easy running away from the reality but it’s a lot harder how the person you once love and once spent your life with could easily throw everything you’ve went through together just because he’d known that you have a disease that could not only affect your future alone but also his future. Pam have been hiding it and I guess she just did the right thing, not because of selfishness and to keep her poise intact, but because she don’t want to be loved because of pity and that she don’t want to end up hurting herself by letting another man love and enter her life then just leave her easily after knowing that she’s got with her an MS that could ruin everything. Pam’s mindset has always been that way for two long years, I guess not until she’d realized that she needs to let it out and tell Patrick everything about her disease—and she’s not mistaken by her decision because Patrick Kelsey prove that not all gentleman she’d known will do just as the same how the coward Bobby, her ex-boyfriend had done. They both work out in dealing with the disease and it helped them both on knowing each other more than before and they end up with each other on Christmas Eve. I guess she now find and have the happiness that she’s been looking for.
         Way back in my high school days, I’ve been diagnosed having an acute anemia wherein if my platelet count drop once more, the diagnosis will no more be anemia but leukemia. I pity myself more instead of being strong for myself. My parents once keep an eye on me because it felt like I can’t do anything alone by myself. Even walking way through the comfort room of the hospital ward, I need someone by my side. Before the transfusion, my parents have gone crazy looking for four bags of blood type AB, the blood type that’s hard to find. My doctors says I need to undergo the transfusion as soon as possible because if not, it will be too late and sure real, leukemia will rule over my life and take away all the possibilities and chances that I can still manage to fulfill my dreams and aspirations in life. Glad that God has given me a chance to surpass it all. They were able to produce two bags of blood.  Yet it’s not as easy as pie before my total recovery. During the transfusion, there’ve been a complication, I was suddenly having a hard time to breathe and I need to have a tank of oxygen beside me. My attending physician found out that there’s quite an amount of water in both my lungs. After spending thirteen long days at the hospital bed, I’m freed by them but just like Coach Pam, a lot of do’s and don’ts are held by my doctors—from my gynecologist down to my attending physician. And just like Pam, I choose to keep it from my friends and continue to live normally as if nothing happened and as if I never known how and what it feels to almost lose the fight.
         The lesson that Pam Casals have embarked on my mind is that your disease is not a hindrance and will never be a hindrance to achieve whatever goals you have in life and that no matter how painful the truth is, we or you should always learn to accept and consider it as a blessing just in disguise. Having a life with limitations at the outset of recuperating from a severe illness is a hard thing to deal alone, but with the help of those who love us, sooner or later—you’ll never know that you’re used to living with it already. Acceptance is way better than fooling yourself and the people around you. Life is for the living. Don’t let yourself miss a thing and end up wishing you’d done this and that. Life is short and we should not let any disease take us down. Enjoy it while we/or you have it.
I think what makes Pam and Patrick able to create and strengthen their harmonious relationship is that the understanding between the two of them and their uniqueness that cannot be explained. Truly, being loved and knowing that you’re being loved by those around you really helps a lot in dealing with such illness. Their love is one of the factor and reason why you keep on fighting and why you’re still determined to live your life—just like what Pam Casals did. She’s fighting with her MS because of her family, the boys of Tyler High, her friends, his dog Samson, her therapist—Rosemary, the football game, her goals and dreams, those who believes her capabilities as a person, a woman of her own, as a daughter, a friend, a coach and most especially as a lover and because of Patrick Kelsey. I think that’s what also makes her the miracle coach.
 Part 2:
Diary Entry and Letter to one of the characters.
 August 1, 1992
Dear Diary,
              I just arrived a few hours ago at this town named Wisconsin, Tyler. I don’t know if the residents will like having me as the Tyler high’s new women football coach, I doubt they won’t. Earlier at the central square of the town, I already have seen and partially inspected the town. They got a beauty shop, a diner, a bank on the other side of the street, there’s also this usual array of grocery stores and drug stores and so on which filled out the other side of the block. The town’s atmosphere really pleased me a lot. As my eyes continuously roamed around the town and as my feet began to take me to nowhere, I spotted handful of youngsters playing tag on the far side. There were also some of the adults at the center of the greens. Amazing how they get along with each other isn’t it?
              A few minutes, my friend and roommate Rosemary Dusold arrived to fetch me but before we headed to the apartment where I will be staying, she introduced me to some of them. Particularly to the Kelsey’s. I was out of focus as she introduced to me this one big guy, about several inches over six feet, with curly black hair falling on his lean face etched with laugh lines at the corners of those incredible eyes. He smiled at me! He was Patrick Kelsey. As Rosemary introduced me to him, he was startled and I wondered by. He has this frown on his face which seem like he’d already known about me coming. I found out that he’s a gym teacher and also a basketball coach.
              I also meet Kathleen Kelsey, Terry Williams, Al Broderick and Brick Bauer. Oh, and also Nick. We didn’t stay long although I want to. I’m too tired to meet the others. Anyways, I’ll have the next of days and months knowing and living with this people.
              Rosemary led me to the apartment a few blocks from the central square. It was a two stories high white frame house with a wraparound porch and green shuttered windows on Morgan Avenue. There seems a Victorian elegance to the old building. Samson is with me as I transfer here, so I guess I’ll live comfortably and at peace here. Maybe I’ll get total remission here. Hopefully.
              Let’s call this a day my friend. I need to be early tomorrow. I’ll be meeting the Tyler high’s principal for my interview. I hope everything will be fine and my MS will not be a hindrance to me and on my career. Wish me luck as well!
 Pam.
--
August 9, 1992
Dear Diary,
              It’s been a week since I first arrived here at Tyler. I’ve met some more of Tyler’s individuals like Marge who owns the diner few blocks from my apartment and Dr. Phelps whom Rosemary works with. After seeing Ms. Mackie and passing the interview, I watched some of the tapes of the Titans previous plays and I guess the boys’ capabilities is there but what makes the team weak is that because they don’t have the word teamwork. I’m not blaming Coach McCormick for such but I guess he lacks the authority and he’s just more focus on winning than on molding the boys’ moral.
              It’s the first practice of the team with me and it honestly didn’t go well. Of course, as I expected, they were a little rusty after such a long summer break plus their coach have just retired and I can’t blame them for that. I also talked to my boys two hours after we began the practice and told them that they have the potential of winning the next game and that they’ve got many strengths and a lot more is going to work out well BUT I as their coach and them, as the players, have a lot of work to do as a team for us to win. I noticed that some of the boys are out of shape so I decided to have a weight requirements so that those who gained a lot of weight could start their diet and that those who didn’t reach the limit will also work out to gain the weight requirements. A lot of them protested. I don’t want to be too harsh but they don’t have any other choice. If they still want to be in the team, then they need to follow my orders, right?
              I released them right after I discussed my rules and concerns. Alone in the bleachers, I realized that I was having less trouble winning over the boys than the man whose amused blue eyes seems to hint that she wouldn’t last. Sorry but I’ll prove him really wrong.
              After studying the notes that I’ve taken during the practice, I went home straight. It was such a long tiring day and I guess I deserve a good food from a diner right? Nah! After this day, I’m keeping much more than an eye to the boys’ practice. All the way through the pre-season game and championship in the Thanksgiving Day! I hope tomorrows practice is going to be fine. I’m really rooting for the boys’ improvement, both in their mental and physical state. For now, I’ll be going out with Samson, and maybe Rosemary can follow or maybe I’ll go take out something good for her. Ciao!
 Pam.
--
September 21, 1992
Dear Diary,
              It’s the team’s last practice before the pre-season game. I’m nervous and anxious and here I am, acting strangely. It seems like I lost my appetite and I wonder why. I’ve never been like this before when I’m nervous. Patrick drop by and he stayed a bit. We have some popcorns and a conversation about the team and my life. I was wondering about this feeling I have inside me whenever we’re together. As far as my MS is concerned and I am concerned, I haven’t been like this not after my last relationship. Well, whatever this feeling means, I know he’ll leave me too as soon as he find out that I’ve got an MS with me, just like what Bob did.
              After the pre-season game, I’ll tell him about my MS. I can’t let this agony last long. I can no longer resist it. Especially this past few days where I’ve been experiencing some tingling and sudden numbing on my legs which usually and supposedly it’s just my left leg. I already told Rosemary about this and I’ve decided too, to see Dr. Phelps to seek some advice and have me examined. And after this pre-season, I’ll find out if I’m staying or I’ll be going back to Chicago.
              Well, my mind now is preoccupied by the pre-season game. I’m confident that the team will win but I’m nervous because this is the first game that the Titan will be playing with a women coach. There’s no such sure thing as winning, who knows? I don’t want the town to be disappointed and I don’t want to prove Patrick Kelsey that I’m no better than a man could do.
              I hope the game will went well. But no matter what the result will be, I’ll still be looking forward and continue to train the boys. I know they can do it and I trust them as much as I trust myself and my way of coaching them.
              Samson and I will be going out tonight. A walk around the street will not be bad and I don’t think it will affect me that much. It’s not warm outside but also not too cold. A corduroy will do. Rosemary have been out of town with friends. She’s got this weekend tripping and camping and she’ll be away for three days. Alone with Samson is such a great but boring time sometimes.
              Wish me and my teams’ luck fellow!
Pam.
--
November 15, 1992
Dear Diary,
           After the Titans won the championship game and after I fully recovered from the last time I collapsed which almost end my life, Patrick and I got engaged and is now preparing for our Christmas wedding. I supposedly don’t want it to be held on Christmas day but Patrick insisted that it would be perfect and it’s really a perfect day to have our wedding done. Both our families agreed with him too. My father and brothers already know about the wedding and sure they were coming. Kathleen helped me looking for my wedding gown and we found the perfect one. I’m excited with the thought that Pam Casals will be retiring soon and Pam Kelsey wants to live every moment to the fullest. Anyway, life is for the living, right? None of us know how long we have left and I don’t want to miss a thing and wind up wishing I’d done this or that. I want to do it all and be happy. And Patrick taught me that.
About my MS, after I collapsed and confined and after the findings were out, the chitchats were spread in just one day and the whole town already know about it. I was expecting that they’ll have ruthless reactions about my disease but instead, they send me flowers and fruits and some of them visited me and wished for my total recovery. Patrick’s grandma, Martha came with some of the lady’s with their lovely quilts. Her boys also knew it already and it’s such an overwhelming feeling how the whole Wisconsin town accepted me and how they made me feel being loved especially the Kelsey’s—her soon-to-be second family.
           The whole town is really quite a great place and I guess, the wish that I once make before I drove into town—I wished that I hope I’ll be able to find happiness here and I guess I just did. I’ll be soon marrying the man I love and the man who loves me without minding my shortcomings and I’m surrounded by those who loves and accepts me plus I’ve got with me a career of my own. I couldn’t wish for more but hope that God will bless me and Patrick a happy family.
           Enough for this. I’ll get going. I need to fix everything and finalize the details of our wedding. Wish us luck!
 Pam.
 --
March 18, 2017      
Casals, Pam Football Coach Tyler High school Wisconsin, Tyler
 Ma’am:
 Greetings of peace and prosperity!
 I would like to congratulate you first for bringing your boys to the top 1. Madam, I adore you as a person, a daughter, a friend, and as a coach. I adore you on how you were able to cope up and deal with your MS as well as managed to control and even hide it away from the community of Tyler. But I was wondering how did you come up with a decision to be a football coach? It’s not that I’m doubting your capabilities madam, I was just overwhelmed and amazed that a woman like you would prefer choose being a football coach than be working at the office or putting up her own business.
Coach, I know how it felt to be hiding something from whom you used to live and spend your everyday life with, not because of selfishness but because you don’t want them to pity you. I also know how painful it is to know that the person you love gives up on you because you have a deficiency. But hiding the truth won’t totally make you happy. It just prolongs your agony and it’s bothering you slowly without you noticing it. Why don’t you just don’t hide it from anybody the next time? As you can see, Patrick and the rest of the Tyler community still accepts you and they never judged you, right?
I’m glad knowing that you can now live your life freely with your family, friends, new family—the Kelsey’s, and of course yours and Patrick’s own family soon. Before I forgot, I want to thank you for inspiring me through your words and for sharing your experiences. What I really love about you is the way how you value the meaning of life—which is learning as well as the value of life.
It’s really such an honor for me being able to attain new learnings from your succinctly definitions and way of giving importance to something just like the sermon that you did in front of the boys: “Honoring commitments, fostering integrity and molding one’s character is way more important than just winning a silly game...” simple yet each words means a lot and really leaves a mark.
Coach, may you continue to inspire more people either through football, or setting as an example by means of being a strong woman battling with MS. I’m wishing you a happy marriage and I look forward to hearing more of you and Patrick.
Thank you for allotting time reading my letter. God bless you and your family! Keep fighting coach!
 Truly Yours
Kae Shane R. Namion
BOOK 4
Book Title: Leather, Lace and Rock-n-Roll by Mia Dymond    
 April 22, 2017
 Part 1:
           What secrets are there behind the personality of Jaydon Hawke? Why on earth does he need to get information’s from Rachel whose only intention is to give a better public service and help others? Will he be able to achieve his goal—to seduce the highly commended architect on Diablo? Or will he loose his grip and be the first one to fall in love, instead?
           I felt it was brave of Rachel, a decent well-respected architect to speak up for herself and go to a concert with a naughty yet responsible girl-best friend of her, Cameron who happen to pursue her to be there. I thought that was all. But I was so shocked when they made it to the front of the muscle man and found out that Rachel’s pass is gone and Cameron’s got a way of slipping the two of them way to the catwalk by doing a strip tease which eventually, worked well. I didn’t think it was right for Cameron to do that and order Rachel to do it as well. I share half of Rachel’s awkwardness and shame for herself especially because she’s not used to going on an event and do crazy stuffs. At least, it worked out well and gave Rachel a satisfaction as the author said it helped her get out of her shell and comfort zone.
           Leather, Lace and Rock-n-Roll is a book with combined genre of erotic and mystery but with a moral that will help its reader realize some sort of things. Like taking risks for not just for yourself and what mission you’re in to but also for the person you love. As I went on reading, it’s so amazing how the characters were able to manage every situation—and right there and then, I understand the side of Jaydon and also Rachel’s, why they tend to hide the truth. Jaydon for keeping the mission a secret and Rachel for denying her feelings and tend to show that she don’t care. I guess telling and keeping something a secret isn’t that bad at all. Sometimes, it’s more on protecting that person from pain.
           A year ago, I unexpectedly fell in love with this guy. He did to—and everything seems so perfect. I took the risks although I didn’t know that much of him. I tell lies and make excuses just to make sure I’ve got enough time for him, and for myself. But the intention is not to hurt anybody but to protect and keep anyone from the possible pain that I can cause. In the end, I figure it all out wrong yet helpful in a way that I realized something. Life isn’t always worth the risk, worth the lie, and worth and excuse. Because sometimes, it plays tricks on you.
           What this story have left with me is that we need to be careful on what we do. We need to be careful on everything and to those people around us. Taking risk and telling lies not to hurt someone but to help him is her is not a bad thing to do, just know your limit though. Making choices is a tough job to do but you got to get through it unless you want to have regrets your whole life for not taking risk and not making a choice and grabbing the chance at all.
           I think what makes Jaydon Hawke’s mission a success is his determination and his patience. He’s being careful in everything he do. Because he’s passionate and kind knowing that he just didn’t come for the mission alone but also to help the community of Diablo. I think that’s also one of the factor why the fan girls. And I think that what makes him irresistibly handsome and idolized.
 Part 2:
Character Profiles. Draw a picture of how you imagine a character would look like if he/she was standing before you. Underneath his/her picture describe his/her role in the book. Describe his/her good qualities as well as any shortcomings.
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 Draw pictures of your favorite part of the novel.
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