#zero notes

[queen-mihai]

I'm gonna keep hiding important info in my original posts cuz yall don't even be seeing them

Like omg yesterday should have been a game changer but it just passed by unnoticed 🤭

A couple of people saw it though so that's fun. Anyway hope yall are doing good

Also I know nobody's bought my book in like a month. I see the ranking on Amazon and it changes every time someone buys it. Yall can't lie to me. Blow up my head all day long, nobody's reading my book

I love yall anyway though. I'm not gonna ignore the wonderful things you all say about me. Those things make me feel good and that's worth a lot to me.

It's just...I would very much like to talk about my story with people here on Tumblr. For real. I would love to nerd out about it, but like.... nobody's reading it, so I can't

Anyway love yall

Have fun

[atlantis-just-drowned]

Okay I can't fucking take it anymore I need to lay all of the proofs on the table and figure out whether or not I'm actually crazy

This is not a mental health coming out post. Or maybe it is. Who fucking knows. I'm just trying to figure out whatever the fuck is going on with my brain.

I've been running around in circles for more than a year trying to find the truth while simultaneously denying it. Here I'm just going to list it all under the cut once and for all. And then, I don't know, I'll just hope for the best.

For most of my life I've always been experiencing conflicts "with myself", or my "conscience", or whatever I called it. I always felt cut in small parts, like there was something inside of me fighting against me

This has been a recurrent subject in my life. I started writing diaries at 11 years old and ever since then, there has been multiple entries, spread over several years through all of those diaries talking about "the little guys in my head", "the different parts of me", "the other half of me", "me and my conscience", etc, etc etc... I even wrote dialogues between them

I've been through a fair lot of traumas in my childhood. My coping mechanism at the time was to escape in my imagination, to invent worlds were I was someone else, with a different name and different personality, and I lived a different life. I thought there was a door in my wall that let me access to this "other dimension". I had a lot of imaginary friends. Basically I dissociated a lot

This one might be slightly less meaningful but I've had sudden personality/taste changes happening to me more than once through my life. When I was younger I suddenly stopped liking crepes and affirmed I never liked them when I very much did, though I can't remember ever liking the taste. My parents won't ever stop retelling this tale as they swear it happened so out-of-the-blue that they never understood what has happened to me. Later in middle school, I didn't like mangas and found them weird, until I woke up one morning and suddenly I loved them, without transition. It just hit me like a flash. More generally, I never truly felt like I was the same person through all of my life. It's like different me's existed at different periods, in cuts, and got replaced by another me after a while, but are still all existing inside of my head

Those changes can also happen on short periods of times. I'll start feeling weird and disconnected from my body, and behave/talk/walk/write differently from the usual. I had people asking me if I was intoxicated when I was completely sober, because I didn't "seem like myself". I had moments where I suddenly felt like an 8 years old child. I don't always recognize myself in the mirror. My gender change like the weather in a way where it's not mine, but it's like another gender overlaps my own. The pitch of my voice can also change

I never experienced black outs. I've seen people talk about the concept of "grey outs" which I recognize myself in, and more generally there's events or entire periods of my life I can't remember about, or barely, and in a way where I know the facts at an intellectual level but have no distinct, first-person memories of it. But no black outs. I'm always here but different, or floating above my body, but never absent

However, I do experience strong thoughts that aren't my own. Sometimes they're directly addressing to me. It's not voices but like very clear and distinct messages sent through my brain

I don't know where I'm going with this. I feel like an impostor and a bitch for even just talking about it. I know for certain that I don't have DID. As I said, I do not experience black outs and some other symptoms of this disorder, and I do not recognize myself entirely in the experience of DID systems.

Ever since I started giving more place to those 'parts', I started identifying distinct ones, with their own traits, quirks, personalities, vibes, etc. Close friends of mine also identified some of them over time. Some of them always had names that they identified with right away. But most importantly, they all have a "special goal/function/trait" that's specific to them, and for some of them, their origin can be traced way back in my childhood and their influence has been identified at different periods and in different aspects of my life

I came back later to realise I forgot to mention this, but I do experience depersonalisation and/or derealization a lot. I have stronger episodes when experiencing specific things but on a daily basis I'm almost always "not entirely here"

So what am I doing this post for? No fucking idea, honestly. Maybe so that I can't keep pretending like there's nothing happening. Maybe so that the people around me will understand a bit more what's going on with me. Maybe so that someone will tell me I'm not going crazy or faking it. The only thing I know is that if I don't post this now, I'm going to chicken out yet again and never be fucking honest about it. I'm kinda tired of ruminating the problem all alone, and if I don't reach out I'll never trust my own judgement on this issue. So let's just do this and see what happens.

[temporalystupid]

Honestly, getting zero notes is so comforting. I will not be acknowledged, I am the tree that falls and no one hears

[xeed-null]

I hereby decree:

All people above the age of 18 will be called majors.

That is all.

[asteraceae-blue]

Ummmmm kudos to the ENTIRE production team for the MOST REALISTIC PORTRAYAL of labor I have ever seen on TV. The PTSD was real on that one (two women writers on this episode which does not shock me in the slightest, I know they put their whole bodies into that one).

[lanadel-heyyy]

gale: no it’s just unfair. i’m leading, he wants to pass, he pushes me, i push him back, and then after he pushes me off the track. it’s just unfair.

peeta: nothing, it was just an ‘inchident’ in the race.

[the-wardens-torch]

Ahem.

Today I went back to an old bit of vaguely hetero-suggestive Fal writing and started smutting it up a bit for reasons I don't quite understand. You go 30 odd years without writing so much as a bare titty, then one day you wake up and go full PiV before you've even eaten breakfast. Its still probably quite tame, I haven't finished it yet and I might never but… *very slow double thumbs-up*

I'm ace, and I always have been. I was born to 2 aged hippie parents who gave me the talk when I was 6, and took me to PP for birth control when I was 17, yet I didn't become sexually active until my 20s and just with one person… whom I then married. I don't crave sex even though it feels good. I forget its even an option until my partner reminds me.

I consider myself romance and sex-positive, yet there's no faster way to get me to put a book down or stop watching a TV series than to add romance, whether its a romantic subplot, love triangle, a "will they or won't they," or some other such crap. Yet hardcore smut for its own sake doesn't interest me either. I'd just rather read/watch a good story and not even have to think about what the characters are doing with their genitals.

Maybe I'm finally unlearning my entirely self-taught and self-imposed shame? And Fal is a good safe starting point for it because he's a sexual character but is outliving my love for the media from whence he came, as well as outliving the goodwill of his already very limited outside audience?

My best friend in college was a very easygoing and astute fellow who drank his respect women juice. He once told me that it might help me loosen up a little if I tried my hand at writing erotica, and that he thought I might be good at it. I laughed it off then, and I haven't spoken to the guy in years, but… Maybe you were right, Blake.

Maybe I'll even try actually writing gay male sex one day too, instead of just alluding to it. Fal would want me to.

...Also this selfie emote totally tracks with his character.

[wizard-irs]

"You can't do something perfectly on the first try."

Oh yeah, then why do all my posts say "0 notes," hmm?

[moxx-n-angel]

Me whenever I post things about my OC / in-universe lore:

[queen-mihai]

Oh hey you know something cool I did? I fixed this one light that had broken. The process required soldering and I haven't soldered in a long time. But it worked!

[so-much-for-subtlety]

LGBTQIAC

[ceylonsilvergirl]

@cooltastrophe

Absolutely perfect 😚👌

say it ain't stoat

[smellovisionstatic]

If these zero note posts keep up I’m gonna have to start posting nut videos

[zero-note-posts]

This Is My Own Post. It Has Zero Notes

[brokensocialscone]

A roundup of this year's flop posts, presented as images so that they do not escape quarantine:

[cesarztown]

i like tumblr because for some reason it feels less personal… i feel like less people care on here