#zoya nazyalensky fanfiction

[amsgrey]

Smitten

Zoya Nazyalensky x Fem!Grisha!Reader

I am such a Zoya simp I love her so much. I wrote this in like an hour, so it's not that good but I just needed to write for my queen.

Synopsis: You return to the little Palace after the Civil War. You find you aren't the only one who came back for Ravka.

Warnings: not at all proofread or edited, some spoilers for sab s2 obvi, show!Zoya bc I haven't read the king of scars duology yet, kind of ooc Zoya bc I'm trying to learn how to get her right, reader and Zoya being smitten and Genya making fun of them, not really any good plot lol.

You had come to the little palace when you were 8, your father bringing you from your village at the border with Frejda. He worried that the Frejdan raids would get you killed, especially after he realized you were Grisha. The day he said goodbye to you was the last day you saw him, leaving you in the big world with no family. That quickly changed when you became friends with another Grisha your age, a squaller with strong powers and an even stronger will.

You two grew up together, getting closer and closer. You even went on missions together in The Wandering Isle. That changed when General Kirigan found the Sun summoner and Ravka became unstable. You had been stationed in Kerch, working to recruit Grisha and free Grisha slaves. After news of the Darkling's attack, you stayed and found a place to live hiding away from the Civil War that raged back home. You only returned after Tsar Nikolai's coronation, bringing Grisha you freed in Kerch.

Walking into the Little Palace after years away, you felt a strange feeling of wistfulness. You used to love walking the grounds of the little palace, often with Zoya or Nina, enjoying the nativity of childhood.

Standing on the steps leading into the Little Palace was Genya Saffin, neatly dressed in a pale gold Kefta. Once, she would be in a bright Red kefta to show her station as Corparlki, but now every Grisha wore the same Gold Kefta. Gold being the colour of the Ravkan Crown. She looked radiant, but you always thought that.

"Y/N," Genya greeted as you approached, "It's nice to see you again."

You smiled, reaching out and pulling her into a hug, "I've missed you."

Genya grinned, standing beside you as you looked out over the grounds. Grisha and Otkazat'sya were lounging in the autumn sun, enjoying a peaceful afternoon.

Genya told you to follow her, leading you up the stairs and into the palace. She ran you over the current operation, how Alina had set out to make friendships with Shu-Han and Nikolai was trying to win the war against Frejda.

"Zoya is in charge of training," Genya said, watching your face change at the mention of your best friend, "She's in a meeting with Nikolai and some of his Generals."

You nodded, "She always did say she would be the leader one day."

Genya couldn't help the smile that crept on her face as she heard your heart rate spike and watched a blush creep up your cheeks as she stared at you.

"Come," Genya insisted, leading you back down the stairs and towards the Palace. There were hardly any guards around the grounds, they used to patrol every inch of the palace grounds, but now they only did on the fences. Genya lead you into the Palace, through the winding halls and towards what you assumed must be the meeting room. You had never actually been in the main palace, it was an honour reserved for The Darkling's favourite Grisha and the servants of the crown.

Genya didn't have to knock on the doors, the two guards opened it for her without a second thought.

The room was occupied by a massive mahogany table, with enough chairs for every General in the Ravkan army. Only two people were sitting at the table, though. Tsar Nikolai and Zoya Nazyalensky.

You and Genya both curtsied, "Moi Tsar."

"Y/N?" Zoya was on her feet quickly, she rushed to you and pulled you into a tight hug. You savoured it, Zoya wasn't really one for hugs.

She pulled away and held you at arm's length, "You cut your hair."

You laughed, flicking her hair, "So did you. I like it." Zoya tried to hide the blush on her cheeks from Genya, you were blissfully unaware.

Nikolai stood from his seat at the head of the table, "Y/N L/N?" He walked over to the three of you, "I've heard a lot about you."

You looked between Zoya and the King, "Good things, I hope?"

Zoya rolled her eyes at your pointed stare. Nikolai looked between the two of you, and then to Genya to confirm what he was thinking. Genya was just smiling at the two of you being hopeless.

"Only good things," Nikolai answered, nudging Zoya playfully. In the last few weeks the two had become good friends, now Nikolai could see how smitten the squaller was.

You settled in quickly, the little palace always was and always could be your home. You quickly slipped into a routine, helping fellow Grisha with their training and even teaching Otkazat'sya how the small science worked. Zoya had valued your advice greatly, often letting you consult on decisions about your own powers.

Today, you both had cleared the afternoon to spend time together, having a picnic by the lake like you did when you were children.

Genya had been teasing Zoya about it for days, giggling at how the girl grew red in the face at the mention of you and her. Zoya had been dropping hints for a while, even before you parted ways before the Civil war. There was always something more between you.

You were laying on the grass in the sun, listening to Zoya rattle off what had happened during her morning.

You hummed once she finished, "Sounds..."

You searched for the right word. 'Exciting."

"Tiring," Zoya offered at the same time.

You laughed, turning your head to look at her. The sun cast her in a glow, framing her like a saint. To you, she might as well have been. You were always amazed by Zoya, her power, her mind... her beauty.

Zoya looked down at you, thinking similar things. Your hair was splayed underneath you, framing you in a kind of halo. You could have been her sun in your golden Kefta - which Zoya was convinced was your colour. Glowing up at her with a smile that warmed every part of her.

"Saints," Zoya mumbled, realizing how head over heels she was.

You blinked up at her, "What?"

Zoya felt her ears burning, she was not the fumbling blushing lover. She knew what she wanted and went for it.

You reached out for her hand, clasping it tightly, 'Somethings off with you."

Zoya scoffed, "You're imagining things."

You laughed, sitting up and moving a little closer.

"I think I'm seeing things very clearly."

"Oh? And what is it you see, Koshka?"

You giggled at the old nickname, one she had given you when you were both 12.

"You are as quiet as a cat, Y/N."

It gave you the same warm feeling now as it did then.

"I see a lot," You said defensively, watching Zoya quirk an eyebrow at you.

"I see the way Genya nudges you," You said, watching Zoya's face, "I see the way your ears get red when I compliment you and your brilliant mind."

"They do not," Zoya argued.

"They are right now!" You laughed, grabbing her face in your hands and tucking her hair behind her ears. "I love it when they do."

Zoya rolled her eyes, pretending to look irritated at you.

"I see the way you act all tough and intimidating," You continued, "The toll it takes on you."

It was true, the whole time you had known Zoya she was this way. In some ways, she needed to be. But you missed how gentle she was as a child and her love for Ravka.

"I see how hard you're working for our Grisha."

Zoya melted a little bit at the 'our Grisha'.

"And," You continued, grabbing both her hands again, "I see just how much your work is helping."

Zoya sighed softly, "Slowly."

"Slowly," You agreed, "but surely."

You both fell silent, you watched her face as she gazed over the lake.

"I think I needed to hear that," She said quietly.

"Can't be having our fearless leader forget how fantastic she is."

Zoya turned to you suddenly, eyes flickering between your eyes and lips. With a sudden surge of confidence, she reached out, cupping your cheek in one hand and pressing her lips to yours. You kissed back almost immediately, your heart exploding in your chest. Your best friend, your Zoya, was finally kissing you.

When you both broke away, Zoya's face lit up in a grin.

You hummed a soft response, trying to show how you felt the same way. That made her smile even bigger. Her hand was still sitting gently on your cheek. You leaned into her hand, relishing the moment. You gently took her hand and pressed a kiss to her palm.

"Saints," You sounded breathy and Zoya leant in a little more, pressing her forehead to yours, "I love you."

[givemea-dam-break]

hii! i was wondering if you could do a zoya nazyalensky x fem!reader where reader and zoya are dating for like, 6 months, and reader is zoya's little soft spot

like, she's a really sweet small girl, adorable and cute, really kind with everyone, and zoya just loves this stuff about her, even though she probably would be annoyed if it were anyone else

anyway, they're in the little palace when readers ex returns from a really long mission, and this ex is a really toxic person that used to make reader feel like she's no good for anyone and manipulate her all the time

i really would like to see how zoya (who knows about their relationship) would act around it and i think she would be really protective

well, thanks anyway i hope you feel good about writing this <3

a/n: omg i love this idea so much! i could never think of a plot to write for zoya and this is exactly what i was looking for so i hope you enjoy <3 i'm so sorry this has taken so long to come out.

warnings: implications of toxic relationships, mentions of injury/death/etc gn reader

Right Here - Zoya Nazyalensky

The past few months have been nothing but bliss.

Well, as much as they can be with a war going on. Between the fighting and training and missions into the Fold, your life has become peaceful and you're more content than you ever have been. Days have felt easier. Smiling comes more naturally. Saints, you've begun to enjoy donning your kefta again.

The reason for that, for all the happiness, stirs beneath you now, making a soft humming sound in her throat as she wakes up from her doze.

"Afternoon, Zoya," you murmur, eyes still shut as your head rests on her chest which rises up and down so very soothingly. "Sweet dreams?"

Her body tenses for a moment as she stretches, and a yawn parts her lips. "I suppose if you count beheading some volcra as nice."

You breathe a laugh, opening your eyes and propping yourself up on an elbow to look at her.

Zoya's dark hair is mussed slightly, the strands threading between bright green blades of grass like rivers of ink. Though groggy, her blue eyes are bright and becoming more alert the longer they stay open, framed by thick lashes and smooth skin that seems to glow in the sunlight. She yawns again before shaking off her sleepy daze.

"You're an awfully comfortable pillow," you say with a smile. "Might hire you."

His lips tug in that almost-sly smile of hers, and her eyes glitter like sapphires. "Long as I get paid."

"And what would your payment be?"

She leans up, pressing a chaste kiss to your lips before sprawling out on the grass again, hand on your cheek. It's warm and comforting, and your face presses gently into her palm.

"A few dozen kisses, perhaps."

With a grin, you kiss her once, twice, three times on the lips, before holding her face and peppering them over her cheeks and forehead and nose, drawing soft laughs out of her. When you stop, she's still laughing, and the sound makes you feel fulfilled, proud.

"Do you hear the birds, (name)?" she asks. Her eyes are fixed on the sky and trees above, flickering between branches. "They sing for you."

You settle down on your back beside her, taking her hand in yours and playing with her fingers. She doesn't stop you, relaxing her hand and humming softly.

"I do."

Your eyes shut for a moment, listening to the sweet warbling songs and trying to figure out their tune, their purpose. Perhaps they sing for love or friendship, nostalgia or happiness. The melodies resonate in your bones, echoing and drawing you in until all you can hear is the birds and the soft breathing of your girlfriend.

And pounding hooves.

All of a sudden, the sound becomes deafening, thundering through the ground beneath you. You and Zoya both sit, shocked and a little disorientated, looking for the source. For a moment, you're worried that something is wrong - there's no reason for so many horses sounding - but you relax a little when you see the source.

A little ways away in the courtyard of the Little Palace, a dozen riders in red, blue, and purple keftas appear, dismounting swiftly. Two break off and hurry inside, likely to report to the Darkling, while the rest stay behind to untack the horses.

It's when you see his face, so distant, that it feels like things go wrong.

Whenever you see him, it's like your mind spirals, dragging you down a whirlpool and holding your head beneath the fluid memories that still haunt you. The shouting, the cruel words, the manipulation. You hadn't been able to see it back then, but it's all you see now whenever he appears.

"Deva's back," Zoya all but snarls. "That's unfortunate. I'd been hoping a Fjerdan would've killed him."

With a comment like that, you usually would've laughed, but it's as if you're stuck in time now, replaying everything the man - the boy - you once thought you'd loved has ever said to you.

Zoya's hand closes around yours, squeezing gently so as to remind you that she's there.

It had been her that had gotten you out of the relationship and brought you to reason. After years of friendship, she could read you as easily as a book and knew immediately that things weren't right. The little walks you'd take were being skipped. You weren't consistently going to dinner. You were beginning to look like a shell of yourself, much like how a Grisha suppressing their powers does. Sickly. Sad. Withdrawn.

She reached her peak when you told her you couldn't be friends anymore. As if reading your mind, she had known that it wasn't your wish. Saints, it was the complete opposite, but it was what Deva had told - no, ordered - you to do. He had given you ultimatums more times than you could count, making you choose between him and other things, becoming angry when you tried to refuse. Part of you complied out of the love you thought you had for him. Part of you did it out of fear. A Heartrender was not a good kind of Grisha to enrage, and you were terrified.

You'll never forget the way she had told you, so tenderly, to stay in her room and wait while she went to go speak with Deva. Further, you'll never forget her saying, He'll never bother you again, an hour later, and the fact that she was right. That day onwards, he never spoke to you. He barely even threw a glance your way if Zoya was with you.

A Heartrender may be scary, but Zoya Nazyalensky could be worse, and she wasn't hesitant about it. In fact, most of the time, she's standoffish and rude to everyone but you.

You're my soft spot, she had once told you, and you still believe her now. Her hand holds yours so gently while her eyes blaze with firey anger as she glares across the grass and courtyard at the boy who had hurt you so. Her jaw is set, and you're sure you can hear her teeth grind against each other, but when she glances at you, her expression softens into a reassuring smile.

"You okay?" she asks, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

You nod, but you're not entirely sure. It happens every time you see him, the memories, and although they're easier to cope with, they're still hard to relive.

The Saints had granted you a few months of reprieve. Deva, along with eleven other Grisha, had been sent on a mission by the Darkling in Fjerda, disposing of drüskelle and other Fjerdan soldiers on the border while finding out as much information about their battle plans as they could. Methods apparently had never been disclosed, and you dread to think of what those men and women possibly did. The blood that stains their hands.

Being a Healer, you're never really sent anywhere other than to heal people, so you can confidently say your hands are fairly clean. Zoya, well, she's killed, but she's never tortured. Not like this group. Not like Deva. These are the Darkling's lackeys, the worst of the worst. You're eternally glad that Zoya broke off her support for it all when it started intensifying past finding out information.

You feel Deva looking at him now, thinking of the things he might have done and the people he has killed. Yes, Ravka and Fjerda are at war with each other, but you couldn't ever justify mutilating somebody for a cause.

"Hey." Zoya's voice grabs your attention. "Look at me."

After a moment, you tear your gaze from the riders and back to her, taking a deep breath as she grasps your other hand slightly.

"Listen to the birds," she says. "Listen to them sing, and look at me. Forget everything else."

And you do. You fall into the comfort of those beautiful, startlingly blue eyes. She sways gently as the birds twitter away, humming her own little song, and smiling at you with so much love that it confuses you. How could anyone ever love you so much? What have you done to deserve it?

Love is not a thing that needs to be deserved, she would tell you if you asked. It is not earned, it is given. It is handed over with trust and adoration and only wishes for love in return.

Her lips brush your forehead, kissing it softly as she says, "You're okay. I'm right here."

Right here, you repeat.

"I always will be."

[finnicks]

( fic ) hurricane

hurricane

grishaverse (nikolai series) | zoya/nikolai; mature, 3.8k

When Zoya accidentally hurts Nikolai in dragon form, he takes care of her in the aftermath.

[lesbianjackies]

🌬️zoya nazyalensky🌬️

key: ❤︎︎ - fluff, ☁︎︎ - angst, ★ - smut

coming soon!

[thebadgerclan]

She, Queen of the Kings

Summary: Zoya, The Dragon Queen, Queen of Kings...

A/N: Inspired by “Queen of Kings” by Alessandra.  I changed some lyrics to fit the story, but lyrics are italicized. (Also this song?  *chef’s kiss*) 

Also no real romantic pairing as this is Zoya-centric, but I threw some Zoyalai in there bc yes

No one knew about the prophecy that had been spoken just after Zoya Nabri had been born, that Suhum Nabri had taken his infant daughter to a Suli Seer by the light of a full moon, unknown to his wife, to have her fortune told.  It was a tradition amongst the traveling people, but true prophecies were rare, rarer so to be given to a newborn babe.

One moment, the Seer had been holding Zoya’s tiny hand, her eyes closed and brows furrowed in concentration, and the next, her eyes were open, glassy and white, her voice unearthly.  “She, Queen of the Kings, running so fast, beating the wind,” the Seer had said.  “Nothing in this world can stop the spread of her wings.  She, Queen of the Kings, broken her cage, threw away the keys.  She will be the warrior of the nation and the world.”

Got raven hair, dark as night, icy eyes, out of sight, out of sight.  Zoya Nazyalensky had been a beautiful child, and had grown into an even more beautiful woman.  Her beauty was both her shield and her weakness, forming an unapproachable exterior while simultaneously protecting the wounded child within.  She could never forget the man her mother had attempted to sell her to, the little gold wedding gown, the wind tearing down the chapel doors.  So she made beauty her weapon, another tool in her arsenal.  She was weak no longer, she was a warrior.

Her heart, in spite, is warm and bright.  Few people truly knew Zoya.  Most people saw her as a cold, distant woman, the harsh commander, the most powerful Squaller, a member of the Grisha Triumvirate.  But no one saw Zoya of the garden, tending to her flowers, often with tears in her eyes.  No one saw the way she looked at a doe nursing her fawn, or how she subtly defended those beneath her.  No one saw how her face lit up when the newest shipment of Kerch novels arrived.  Zoya refused to lose herself, to lose the warmth, the kindness she’d harbored since childhood.  She buried it, kept it safe, but kept that spark alive.

Nothing in this world can stop the spread of her wings.  The Fjerdan war had been brutal, but Zoya, with the help of Juris, had led Ravka to victory.  And this victory would last, she knew, not only thanks to the dragon’s voice in her mind, but because the people now bowed to her, spoke her name with reverence.  “Let the Nazyalensky dynasty begin.  All hail the Dragon Queen,” Niklolai had proclaimed on bended knee, and after the shock, the fear, and the urge to murder him in his sleep had passed, once Zoya had adjusted to the thought, to the notion of being Queen, she knew she could at last bring peace to her people.  So she shouldered the burden and wore the crown, taking the oath with her love beside her.  

The word had spread fast, far faster than anyone could have anticipated.  As they often were, the Suli were among the first to know.  Zoya’s prophecy had been shared amongst the Seers after its first speaking, but now, those who wore the jackal masks spoke the words once more.  “She, Queen of the Kings, running so fast, beating the wind, nothing in this world can stop the spread of her wings.  She, Queen of the Kings, broken her cage, threw away the keys.  She will be the warrior of the nation and the world.”

Zoya was Ravka’s first Queen Regnant in history, and Nikolai her first Prince Consort.  Queen of Kings, they called her, alongside The Dragon Queen, Rebe Dva Urga, and Sankta Zoya of the Storm.  She had shrugged the chains of her past, shattered the cage the Darkling had once put her in, and fought for her nation and her people.  The Queen was a warrior, both for her country and for the world at large.  And when Juris spoke in her mind, nothing could stop her wings from spreading, both figuratively and literally, though she could control the dragon’s form at will now.

Her smile awakes the Northern Light.  When Zoya smiled, it was as if a Sun Summoner was in the room with her.  Her smiles were far more frequent since her wedding, and Nikolai was almost always the one to cause them.  For the first time in her life, Zoya was happy, truly, shamelessly happy.  Her people were safe, her nation was at peace, she had a man who loved her, everything felt right.  It was no easy job, but for once, Zoya was not alone.  She had a council to aid her, her husband to guide her, and people to back her.

Looking out, she calls… who will conquer all?  Of course, peace cannot last forever.  The Shu were invading, what had started as a simple border skirmish threatened to become an all-out war.  Ravka had had a measly 2 years of peace, and Zoya owed it to her people to fight for them, for their lives, for the peace they so desperately deserved.  Seated atop her horse on the Shu-Han border, draped in her sapphire corecloth kefta, the Queen addressed her people:

“I will not allow anyone to encroach upon our lands, to threaten your livelihoods, to harm my people,  your people.  So I ask you this:”  Zoya looked out at her soldiers, the men and women she would lead into battle.  “Who will conquer all who seek to harm you?  Who will conquer any who threaten our nation?”  The soldiers, Grisha and otkazat’sya both, cried out in unison, and while their phrasing varied, their answer was the same.  She, Queen of the Kings.

[exyzedd]

cannot stop making textposts😔👍🏼

(pics used aren't mine)

[xanthickee]

This quality of dumbassery i would like to be a part of

[awanderingtortoise]

writing a modern zoyalai actors au where they paparazzi manages to catch and leak photos of their make out session and I'm having too much fun with the banter

[naushtheaspiringauthor]

okay think of this hc where RAVKA is not a country, it's a high school. and basically all the characters that r ravkan are in that high school and basically the other countries are also just, high schools. (tho wylan cant be there since yk, he can't read)

so what about a high school au where zoya and my oc anaya (im always gonna include her since i love her sm) are academic rivals who r like, the two kids that get the highest grade in the school, win quizzes, etc (idk how american high schools work spare me). and alina is the naturally gifted popular kid, david's the nerdy quiet kid and nikolai is the son of the principal, the popular rich kid. what would that be like

this idea has been nagging my brain for MONTHS

[infin1ty-garden]

helooo! If you don't mind, can u write a fic about Zoya Nazyalensky close proximity trope? Like instead of one bed, can u please make it one tent? Thank u!!!

NOW OR NEVER

˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ summary: [ in request ] ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ pairing: zoya nazyalensky x gn! reader ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ warnings: none ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ word count: 344 ˚₊· ͟͟͞͞➳ ✦ author note: takes place sometime before s1

masterlist.

How could have this happened? You and Zoya were sent on a mission to gather intel of the enemy forces with only one tent. You were aware there was a shortage of supplies but is two tents really too much. It seems so. Zoya didn't see it as a big problem.

"Do you find me that appalling?" Quite the opposite, you were in love with her. Just being around her made you nervous. She is a fierce and uptight woman. She was a great leader and a talented grisha. It was taught not to feel some sort of nervousness.

The mission is going to last two days with a switch, if needed, every four hours. You and Zoya were friends, not close but friends. "Looking forward to something when we get back?"

"A hot bath and a nice meal," a common reply for someone on the front lines. You finally managed to get the intel needed and evacuated immediately. Finding a safe enough place on enemy territory was hard enough but you managed.

You and Zoya were laying in your sleeping bags. Trying to sleep. A few days of this and you're still not used to it. The tent was small enough to carry, so there was little space. You felt the warmth radiating from her body. She tossed around. Obviously not being able to sleep.

"What's on your mind?" You finally asked. She turned to face you. "When are you gonna admit you're in love with me?" You were speechless. Were you that obvious? Silence filled the tent. "Was I that bad?"

"I honestly found it cute," a small smile found itself on her face. "Endearing even," your face heats up. You feel your heartbeat speed up. "To be honest I was confused at first but then this mission finally made me understand. Your feelings and my won"

"Your own?" There's no way, she was saying what you think she was saying. "I'm in love with you as well," you were perplexed but knew one thing. It's now or never. You kissed her.

Thank you for reading and requesting!

[stromuprisahat]

I saw your post on Zoya joining Alina,and how it didn't make sense. Silly girl! Don't you see that The Darkling is the one who kept them apart because he can't stand powerful women working together? The evil man is the reason why they weren't besties! Erasing their personalities and issues isn't sexist at all!

Barfdugo:the above,but unironically.

Yeah, that's why you should never poke these tiny inconsistencies without a stick, in case ~something~ stinks.

(Said post.)

[tolllthedead]

i personally would like to have seen more zoya and nadia and adrik and david and genya and any amount of fedyor and ivan and far less of that one random tidemaker

[sissytobitch10seconds]

Birdsong: Hard Sell

Fandom: Grishaverse: Shadow and Bone, Six of Crows, and The Grisha Trilogy Summary: Every other time in her life, when she got everything she thought she wanted, the rug had been pulled out from beneath her feet. What was stopping this from being any different? Warnings: Depression, self-destructive behaviors, mentions of grooming, fatphobia, body dysmorphia, and anxiety Word Count: 11,988 Ship(s): Nina Zenik/Matthias Helvar/Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa/Jesper Fahey/Wylan Van Eck

Archive link!

A/N: We've reached the last fic in this series! I may return to it one day but I don't have any plans to do so. I really like the way that it turned out here with the focus on Nina from each of the partners and then herself. I hope that you guys have enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it, it means a lot to me as the first SaB fic that I wrote. Thank you all so much for reading! Stay sissy and bitchy everyone &lt;3

Birdsong:

Hard Sell

A Grishaverse Fanfiction

A Nina Zenik/Matthias Helvar/Kaz Brekker/Wylan Van Eck/Jesper Fahey/Inej Ghafa Fanfiction

By Sissytobitch10seconds

Tour was both everything that she had ever hoped it was and the hardest thing that she had ever done.

Nina had dreamed about being a big enough artist to go out and do tours since she had decided that she wanted to be a performer. When the manager of Shadow and Bone brought it up, agreeing to do it was a no-brainer for her. Alina was the only one that had gone on tour before, with Nikolai doing a mini set back when he was performing as Sturmhond, and she had been a bit more wary of the whole thing. It had been a decision that they had decided coincided perfectly with the official release of their first album, so they took it. They were doing a single show in every city that they went to with a couple of days resting in some of the bigger places. Nina knew that the open days were going to get filled with shows as time went on and there was proof for the demand of them, she was well aware of how that worked.

Shadow and Bone was growing vastly in popularity the longer that they continued to produce music. Even in just the year that she had been together with her partners, which was six months after the band had reformed, they had already exploded in the number of streams that their songs had on Spotify. They were finally in a place where they were getting enough money from the Shadow and Bone merch and album purchases that they could support themselves. Alina was the one that needed that the most, since Kirigan had taken most of the money that she had made under the stage name The Sun Summoner. Zoya came after her when it came to being supported by the band, since the money that she got from being a touring drummer was only so good. Nikolai had never been hurting for money with how wealthy his family was. Nina was still getting quite a bit of money from her Heartrender music, too.

They were apparently also getting a lot more popular because of the imploding that The Fold was doing. More and more artists were following in Alina and Nina’s footsteps as they revealed the shady and shitty business practices that they had. The public opinion of the recording studio was plummeting, which meant that more people were reaching out to Shadow and Bone since one of their singers had been the face of the company for a while.

While they were on tour, a couple of the days that had been free on their schedule were instead taken up with interviews. Alina was the one that was focused on during them, but Nina and Zoya were also asked a couple of questions about everything that they had gone through. Nina released what she was comfortable with and kept quiet about what she wasn’t. That had gotten her quite a lot of flak from unhappy studios that hadn’t gotten the massive scoop that they were hoping for. The fans on the internet backed her up, as did her partners and bandmates, but it was beginning to wear her down.

She had always struggled with feeling like she was doing the right thing and being signed under Kirigan had only worsened that. During the harder days, the words that her mother had said would intermingle with his until she felt like a shell of herself.

“You’ll never be ladylike if you do that. You need to be more graceful. Cut down on your portions so that your future husband will actually want you. No wonder your father didn’t fight that hard in the custody battle if this is how you’re going to act.” Her mother.

“Just trust me, why are you so difficult? Calm down and actually listen for once. You’re just not as talented, it’s something you’re going to have to accept. Maybe if you were prettier then you would be selling better.” Kirigan.

She knew that Alina had it worse. She had been raised in the same kind of strict environment as Nina, which is where they had met. She had the worst of the abuse since she had also been in a romantic relationship with the horrible narcissist stealing their money from them as young teenagers. The words still ate Nina from the inside out, turning all-consuming and threatening to never leave.

She was aware that they would eventually leave, they always did. Regardless of what life threw at her, she was always there to take the next step forward and keep living. She wasn’t going to let something like her own depression and anxiety keep her from living the dreams that she had before they set in. She knew that she was going to struggle on the tour since things in the band were still a little rocky and the manager was going to be pushing them as hard as he could to get as much money as they could out of it.

They played sold-out show after sold-out show. They met with countless fans and spent hours talking to them when they tried to get food. They had even had to take off late one morning because someone had found their tour bus and wanted to get a picture.

Despite the constant go-go-go nature of the tour lifestyle that she now found herself in, there were still good moments. She woke up every morning to a picture of her partners, Inej sending her own separate one, letting them know that they missed her. She got near constant updates about what they were doing, like their group chat had become their polycule’s own specific social media. She knew that the certain set of vibrations in her pocket would mean that her partners were checking in with her, which always filled her up with so much love she felt as though she might burst.

Nina also lived for being able to play the music live. She could only imagine how intense it would be if she had brought some of her more scream-adjacent songs from her Heartrender discography instead of the more chill music that Shadow and Bone produced. She lived for the sound of the fans cheering back at her and the bass reverberating through the stage as it traveled through the speakers. Her favorite part was when everyone heard their favorite song and began to cheer even louder than they had been before. 

Their biggest show was in the capitol, which was also where they  had been doing a bunch of interviews with famous celebrities for late night talk shows. It was exhausting and so rewarding to finally step onto the tour bus so they could be taken to the next place that they needed to be.

Currently, she had performed her last show and was sitting in the hotel room that reminded her that she was a hop, skip, and jump away from her home with her partners. That idea had been thrilling up to a point, until she realized that she was going to be getting home at just the wrong time. Inej wouldn’t be back until the next day from her own set of shows. Matthias and Jesper would be doing their own respective jobs at the theater, with the former moving around sets and fixing broken props while the latter acted the main roll. Wylan had just had to travel out of the state so that he could attend a conference with other scientists as his study was coming to a close. Kaz would be opening the bar and it was one of the more important nights where he couldn't just step out unless there was an emergency.

Arguably, it was probably better for her to have a night alone in her apartment before she swamped herself with even more interaction. It would give her tired body a chance to actually rest and recuperate like she desperately needed, but she didn’t want it. She only ever really felt safe and warm when she was wrapped up in the arms of one of her partners. Even if Kaz was still feeling cuddled out like he had mentioned in the group chat that morning, being next to him or even in the same room as him made her soul feel like it was finally at rest.

Guilt sprang up in her stomach at the thought. She was the one that had decided that she was going to go on the tour and now she was complaining that even more people couldn’t warp their lives around her own wants in her schedule.

She missed them so aggressively that her brain couldn’t help but mention how much they didn’t. Logically, she knew that those things had to be wrong. They had enough partners with each other that if they really didn’t want her then they would have told her before they got to the point in their relationship that they had. Then again, her mind chimed in helpfully to remind her, they had another girlfriend in the chat that they were likely corresponding with over her.

Nina had been so worn down because of the travel that she hadn’t been able to reply consistently to them. She had instead had to give them a barrage of things and reactions to what they had done when she finally got a break for the night. Even then, she usually fell asleep on her bunk on the bus before they got the chance to reply back to her.

She had been the absolute worst for the last month that she had been touring. She knew that they deserved better than her, and she could see what the better example of her was. Genya had always been a complicated person to get to know but she was quite literally everything that Nina wasn’t.

She had been signed with Kirigan before Nina and Alina had the chance. She was quiet, demure, and beautiful beyond all belief. She found time to call her finance every night before she turned in to bed and each morning when she woke up. She was careful of how much she ate and every action that she made while she moved. Nikolai had always been somewhat ambivalent towards her, but Zoya and Alina were thick as thieves with her. It was difficult for Nina to watch, but she forced herself to do so anyway. 

Sitting on the floor of her hotel room by herself, in the dark, her mind really came to life. It began to take apart every single text that she had received that was less than glowing, every single comment and message that she had gotten from fans and interviewers alike, and every action of her bandmates. Her mind rifled through the memories of the past month to remind her of all the bad things that had happened, every action that meant she was unwanted or causing problems in some way.

She had been trying to sleep for the duration of the night and gave up somewhere around three in the morning. She would be able to sleep a little bit on the bus as it brought them back to where they had started. The motion always lulled her into a fugue state anyway, which would work in tandem with her depressive episode. 

Nina slipped off of the bed and then dressed in one of Matthias’ shirts that had gotten mixed in with the things in her bag when she was packing. She was wearing the ring that Jesper had given her for their six month anniversary on a chain around her neck, right next to the locket that Inej had gifted her containing a picture of all their partners together. She had a sweatshirt from Wylan that she draped over her shoulders to keep her back warm while she worked. Kaz was the only person that she didn’t have something of, which had been eating at her during their month of separation as well.

She set her phone down on the desk in front of her and then turned on the desk light. It illuminated her in soft yellow light, but wasn’t bright enough that it might shine through the window and let other people know that she was awake. She had become a bit paranoid about some of their fans finding out where she was and coming to her hotel room, likely because of some of the stories Genya had been telling during their trip.

The mirror in front of the desk stared back at her as soon as she turned on the light. Her hair was a little messy, the curls shoved back into the ponytail that she had managed to find at the bottom of her toiletries bag after her post-show shower. A couple of them had already escaped and were falling down into her eyes and across her cheeks. She could see every tiny imperfection of her skin, including the blackhead that had formed next to her nose and the line of zits on her hairline. The discoloration of the freckles on the bridge of her nose was upsetting when it wasn’t being hidden by the makeup that was packed away in her suitcase. She had dark bags under her eyes from her struggles to sleep on the bus consistently.

Still, she had to do something or she was going to lose her mind from stress and the voices in the back of her mind. She plugged in her phone and then got it propped up so that it was filming her entire upper half. She grabbed her guitar and situated it in her lap before she flicked to Instagram and went live. Most of her fans lived in the same country as her since her music hadn’t quite gone international even when she had been making a few covers of traditionally Slavic songs to honor her mother. She wasn’t expecting her fans to be up or willing to jump on a live with her at that time. She also usually announced that she was going to go live an hour before she did, which was also going to decrease the number pretty significantly.

She leaned back in the desk chair, looking up at the ceiling of the hotel. She could already see the number beginning to climb until it hovered around a hundred. She gave her usually, dorky little wave to her phone as she said, “Hey everyone! I know that I haven’t been as active as usual, but tour ended up being a lot busier than I thought it was going to be. I hope you’re all having a wonderful night.”

A small smile crossed her face as she saw the messages already streaming in. Most of them were saying hi back to her, or reassuring her that it was okay that she hadn’t been as active. One asked her which city she was in now, which was a question that she could actually answer. She liked being able to interact with her fans on a much smaller scale than usual, it felt almost like returning to when she and Alina were dumb sixteen-year-olds making music on their bedroom floors.

“Where’s Alina? She’s in the other room sleeping right now, probably,” Nina forced herself to laugh. It was getting really old to be pushed to the side for her friend, especially when she was the one that put the most effort into the songwriting and sung most of their album. “What did you guys think of the album? Should I play you something from that or would you prefer something new?”

She was plucking at the strings of her guitar as she carefully turned the pegs back and forth. She was worried that after having to tune her instrument to so many different songs that the strings were finally going to snap, which would result in her being instrument-less until Jesper could take her to the store to buy some more. She winced as she remembered her partner, her mind reminding her time and time again that he had been happier without her. She brought a raincloud with her that ruined and soured the lives that she touched.

She looked down at the chat and forced another smile as she saw that they were all cheering for something new. “I’ve been working on this song for a while, actually, so I’m kind of excited to share it with you all. Zoya has been helping me with it and it sounds much better with her, but you’ll have to settle for now.”

Nina took a deep breath as she found her fingering on the guitar neck and began to sing, “I'm trying to make something of myself. My better days, I go buy the hard sell. But I feel like I'm working with barbed wire and moth wings 'cause I can't really get a hold of many things. I'm one deep breath away from a breakdown. My nerves are wrecked and coming unwound. The world is hostile and I'm fragile and I need someone to kiss the cuts and tell me to keep trying. Is it me? Is it really just me? Does everybody have it together or are we all pretending? Is it me? Is it really just me? Holding it together with one loose string that I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop pulling. I rip myself apart at the seams. I find one weak spot and start unraveling, hoping I can find a better me. A fresh new start buried under me. Is it me? Is it really just me? Does everybody have it together or are we all pretending? Is it me? Is it really just me? Holding it together with one loose string that I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop pulling. Can we stop pretending now? Can we stop pretending now? Can we all admit that we don't have it figured out? Can we stop pretending now? Can we stop pretending now? Can we all admit that we don't have it figured out? Is it me? Is it really just me? Does everybody have it together or are we all pretending? Is it me? Is it really just me? Holding it together with one loose string that I can't stop, I can't stop, I can't stop pulling, I can't stop pulling, I can't stop pulling.”

At some point during the song, she had started crying. She barely even noticed the hot tears streaking down her face and onto her chin as she sang until she was pulled out of it. Her eyes had been clamped shut as she remembered each lyric that followed the one coming from her mouth. Her heart ached in her chest and her throat felt raw when she had finally stopped. 

Her stomach dropped dramatically when she realized that she had started crying. She sniffled and wiped the tears away as quickly as she could. Nina forced another smile onto her face like she had been doing the entire day as she said, “Sorry for that, you guys. I didn’t mean to get all sentimental on you. I’ve had a really long couple of weeks, believe it or not.”

The chat had calmed down slightly but she was still getting a flood of little heart emojis. As soon as the apology had left her lips, people began to rave about her song and a couple even commented that they wished they had been there to hear the whole thing. “I think that I can chat for a while longer, but I don’t think that I should play any more music. I don’t want to wake up Nikolai, you would not believe how grumpy he is until he gets his coffee,” Nina said. She placed her head on her hand and tried not to look at the face that was reflected back at her. She usually felt so confident in her own body, but she had gotten so many comments about it from the stage crews that had helped the band and the interviewers that it was in the forefront of her mind.

She answered a few more questions until her phone started to get really hot from charging while she was live-streaming. She waved goodbye to all of her fans and then ended it so that she could collapse back into her bed. 

The smell of Wylan and Matthias wrapped around her in a way that should have just been comforting, but instead made her heart ache even more than it had before. She felt like a pit was opening up inside of her and the only thing that she could get out of it were the horrible things that her mother and Kirigan had said to her. It was sucking all of the energy, the love, the joy that she should have been feeling out of her and replacing it with self-hatred and pain.

She stripped off the jacket and the shirt, placing them tenderly and carefully down onto the bed. She put on the shirt that she was going to be wearing during transit that day and then carefully folded the two garments. She removed the chain with the ring and the locket, even though it felt like she was losing a hand as she did so. She placed it carefully down in the center of the shirt and then layered the hoodie over the top of it. She carefully placed them both down in the suitcase lid and zipped it closed so that it would be safe when it was being moved around but also inaccessible to her.

Nina went to the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror, watching the imperfections of her face crease and move as she tilted her head this way and that. She poked and prodded at the places of her body she didn’t like, the fat rolls on her back and the plumpness of her stomach.

Voices in the back of her mind reminded her of everything she wasn’t. Alina was able to eat anything she wanted and maintained the stick-figure thin outline. Genya took time out of her day instead of focusing on something silly so that she could actually take care of her skin. Zoya had curly hair that she could actually contain and a youthful face. Nikolai never had to worry about what he looked like because he was never subjected to the harsh beauty standards that she, as a woman, had to endure every day since she became a teenager.

By the time that the voices had taken over her mind, she was crying again. Her face was tilted down towards the sink as she tried to stifle the sobs. They threatened to break through the air around her, to make her pain more real. She shouldn’t have been having that pain at all, she reminded herself. This is exactly what she had done when she was signed under Kirigan and it had made her life in the music industry so much harder until she had Alina by her side. The guilt over the resentment her friend coming out and being believed instead of her was going to consume Nina. It was already trying.

She forced down the emotion and decided that she was going to effect as few lives as possible. She pulled out her makeup and covered up all of the imperfections that she hated. A simple smokey eye with catwing eyeliner, like she had done for every day when she was on tour during the time that she wasn’t performing. Her favorite color of strawberry lipstick went on her lips, plumpening them enough that she was more appealing and less pouty.

Nina then shoved everything into her toiletries kit and put that in her suitcase as well. Her bag was packed other than her book, laptop, phone, and its charger. 

Remembering the device that lay on the hotel desk reminded her of the next step in her plan. She sat back down in the chair that she had been in before and opened up the texting app. It had brought her so much light and life to see each text as it rolled in while she was being whisked from place to place, but she wasn’t sure the same could be said for her partners. On the off chance that they did love her and they weren’t doing it out of some kind of strange obligation, she knew how much it had to be tearing them up to have her away from them. She had seen how much Matthias and Jesper both pouted when Inej was gone. Having two girlfriends without either of them being in reach had to be torture, she knew that it was for her. So she was going to end that pain for them.

It would hurt for a while to do it this way, but they would have each other to use to recover and then they would be fine. She wouldn’t drag them down and she wouldn’t ruin their lives like she had every other partner, friend, and parent that she had ever known. 

She opened up the app and voiced the message as she wrote it, “Hey, sorry for the late text. I just wanted to let you all know that this last year has been the absolute best in my life and I adore you all very much. But I think that it’s time we finally admit that you’d all be happier without me. You’ve done nothing to persuade me of this, you’ve all been absolutely wonderful and the problem could never be with you. It’s just with me, the problem is always with me. I hope that you can help each other through any pain that might come from this break up. Know that I did and do truly love you, I’m doing this to help you live better lives.”

She left the chat and then abandoned her phone on the table. She tilted her head up and blinked furiously to try and keep the tears from running down her face again. She had enough time to redo her makeup if she did cry again, but it felt like giving into the part of herself that she was furiously trying to keep behind lock and key. 

Nina marched to her bed and grabbed her laptop. She sat with the duvet discarded off to the side, only using the top sheet to keep herself warm since the other blanket reminded her too much of her now ex-girlfriend. She plugged in her headphones and pulled up her favorite comfort show so that she could forget all of the pain that was plaguing her life until she had to get up in the morning.

---

She went through breakfast without eating anything despite the waffle maker almost screaming her name. Nothing could be louder than the voice of Kirigan right behind her eyes, reminding her that if her body was more desirable then she wouldn’t struggle so much to get the same amount of fame as Alina. Being around her bandmates and manager felt like torture but she stuck through it, smiling pleasantly when Genya said good morning to her despite her wanting to scream and sob.

They were finally back on the bus and she had an excuse to be relatively alone. She was sitting in one of the little booths, the one that had the table where a few of them had taken to eating at, and stared out the window. Her headphones were on and plugged into the phone that she had turned off, playing nothing into her head but being a relatively effective deterrent. She had to prove to herself and the glimmering hope in her breast that her bandmates were fine without her. She couldn’t leave them because it would be more of a hassle to replace her than to put up with her curse, but they didn’t need her as a friend.

She was doing fine, ignoring her feelings and passing the time with her own thoughts and song lyrics, until Nikolai slid into the seat across from her. He grabbed her phone and unplugged her headphones from the jack to get her to pay attention to him, which was actually one of his favorite things to do when he felt he wasn’t getting enough stimulus from the others.

“What?” she asked, immediately regretting it when she realized how snappish the words had been when they came out of her mouth.

“What did you do?” he asked.

“Why do you always assume that I’ve done something?” she asked, snatching her phone back.

He was staring down at the device like it was going to blow up in his hand since it hadn’t immediately turned on when he took it from her like it always did. She removed her headphones so that they were around her neck and then plugged the jack back in while waiting for him to finally explain himself. Nikolai shook his head to rid the thoughts he had been focused on, much like a dog. “Tolya said that Jesper has been freaking out since early this morning. I assume that since he was one of your boys, you had something to do with it.”

Her heart ached in her chest, spreading pain throughout the rest of her body. The skin on her arms and over her chest felt like it was peeling away from her in the desperation for her soul to be pressed back into her body. She felt unlike herself, moments away from screaming or crying. She couldn’t figure out which one was right but she knew that the emotions brewing in her gut had to go somewhere.

Nina shoved it down immediately. She was going to remove herself from everyone’s lives, that had been her plan. She couldn’t allow herself to explode and to hurt others when they had been nothing but tolerant of her. Her hurt was for her to deal with alone, as she always had.

“I didn’t have anything to do with it,” she lied through gritted teeth. “I’m guessing that Inej came back early or something.”

“I don’t think so,” Nikolai shook his head. “From what Tolya was complaining about nothing that Jesper was doing was particularly… exciting.”

“All you said was that he was freaking out,” Nina replied, a little bit annoyed at the whole situation. She didn’t want him prying into the very tender wound that was her recent breakup. 

Every time she thought about the fact that she was never going to see those people again, she felt as though she was going to die on the spot. Her mind kept informing her that she would never have Matthias’ arms around her or hear Wylan practicing the piano while he composed something new, or listen to Kaz argue with Jesper over something unimportant, or smell Inej’s body wash when they were hiding in her loft bed, or dance in the living room with Jesper after everyone else had gone to bed ever again. It felt raw and painful in a way that none of her other breakups had felt. There was no relief at having to fake the love any longer, to pretend that she was comfortable going on expensive dates or getting pricey gifts. She only felt the pain that came with knowing that a part of her life that she had really enjoyed was over.

“Nina, what’s the matter?” Nikolai asked. He folded his hands in front of him and leaned forward so that he was a bit closer than before. He was acting like that was going to make it easier for them to hide what they were talking about, to give them some modicum of privacy when they hadn’t had that since they had stepped onto the godforsaken bus.

“Nothing is the matter,” she said, which even she could tell sounded like a lie. There was a waver in her throat and her makeup had already been destroyed around her waterline. The fact that she had tucked herself away in the booth instead of lounging out over the couch while chatting with Alina and Zoya was a big show of that.

He reached across the table and took her hand in his, holding it like he had when they had first decided to make the band. Everything was making her lust after a time that she could no longer ever have, one that had passed her by and compounded new trauma in the forefront of her mind. “We’ve been friends for years, that excuse really isn’t going to work on me,” he assured her. “You can just tell me what’s wrong. I’m not going to judge you and I want to be here for you.”

She carefully took her hand back from him and then began to fiddle with the edge of her phone case. It was one that Wylan had ordered for her after she kept complaining about how terrifying it was to think about all the cracks she could get while performing with it even just in her pocket. It was a construction grade case that was still sleek and had now been decorated with a sticker from her own favorite band. “I don’t really want to talk about it right now.”

Nikolai sat back in his chair, looking over her with those critical eyes that made her feel bare. She didn’t like people examining her that closely, especially when she already felt as self-conscious as she did. “How about I give you another hour on the bus and then we’ll talk again, okay?”

“Okay,” she finally relented. She had enough wear in her soul already from not being able to sleep the night before and all the crying that she couldn’t keep fighting him. Her only hope at the moment was that he would forget before the time came and she’d be able to avoid it regardless. 

He dislodged himself from the booth and walked over to another part of the bus so that he could join in the conversation that Zoya and Alina were having. Nina grabbed her phone and headphones, balling them both up in her hand so that they were constricting around her neck any longer, and then removed herself from the booth as well. She walked back to the bunk that she had been using and collapsed into it. She dropped her headphones and phone next to her, useless since the device was turned off and the headphone trick hadn’t even worked. 

She turned her head away from the curtain that was only half drawn to cover herself as she pretended to nap and looked over everything. She had taped several polaroids of herself and her partners to the walls to keep herself happy when she was missing her partners. She missed them even more than she had when she was traveling, now knowing that she had resigned herself to not be able to see them when she got back. She was so dreadfully alone and it was all her own doing, even if it had been for the protection of the people that she loved.

---

An hour of driving passed by before someone came to rouse her from the nap she had dozed off into. She had still been aware of where she was in her bunk and what was happening around it, so all it took was their hand on her ankle for her to startle awake “Is everything okay?” she asked nervously as she pulled back the curtain so that the other was revealed.

“I came to ask you the same question,” Alina replied. “Do you wanna cuddle and talk about it?”

That was something that they had done often when they were teenagers in high school. They would go to one of their houses, usually Alina’s because her foster mother was almost always at work, and cuddle underneath the blankets. They would hold each other while the other blubbered about boys, girls, breakups, heartache, and all the other shitty things that came with learning how to be a human in the world. It was cathartic and something that had brought them together even more than their shared Catholic school trauma had.

“I don’t know,” she shook her head, which brought her attention to the fact that even more of her untamable curls had escaped the confines of her ponytail.

Alina pouted a little bit. “I think that it would maybe make you feel better.”

“What do you know about it?” she asked, her mouth flickering down into a frown. The idea that Nikolai had brought her problems to the attention of all the others in the band made the guilt inside of her stomach grow even wider. She felt like she was drowning in her emotions, being pulled into the ocean of sadness and pain by a riptide that she had no hope of escaping.

“Nikolai mentioned that Tolya wouldn’t shut up about Jesper not being able to shut up,” she explained. “And I noticed that you didn’t come out when we stopped for lunch.”

“I’m not hungry,” Nina lied. She had been starving and they were getting fast food at her favorite place. The sensitivity around how much she ate was still there in full-force, overwhelming and gnawing at her body.

“You didn’t eat anything at breakfast either,” Alina noted. Her brows furrowed together as she poked her best friend further into the bunk. She climbed in so that they were laying side by side, tilted so that their fronts were facing each other so that they could both fit in the tiny space. “Nina, what’s going on?”

She closed her eyes as she tried to keep the emotions locked where they belonged, deep inside of her heart in the place that only her ex-partners had ever been able to reach. She took a deep breath as she answered, “It’s not a big deal, I’m just having a bad day.”

Nina could almost hear Alina’s frown as she said, “I think that’s actually a monumental big deal.”

“And why is that?”

“Because you’re my best friend and you were there for all of my bad days. You’ve also been going through it recently,” she replied immediately. Alina reached down and grasped Nina’s hand, so hard that the other woman could feel the scar along in her palm. “You were there for me when I finally ended things with Kirigan and through the whole process of trying to reach out to Mal again. The least I can do is support you when you’re having a bad brain day.”

Nina whimpered as she snuggled closer to Alina. Her arms wrapped around the other girl’s hips and her face was lost in the space of her collarbone, hiding away from the world. Alina responded by completing the hug, weaving her arms behind Nina’s back. It didn’t feel as good as when Matthias and Inej did it, or the rare moments that she got to cuddle Jesper for longer than five minutes, but it was better than nothing. It soothed the touch starved ache burning under her skin by micrometers.

She waited for a while, threading her fingers through her childhood friend’s hair for a while before asked again, “What’s going on?”

“I broke up with them, Alina,” she finally admitted. Saying it out loud made the entire thing feel more real. That was why she had verbalized the text as she was sending it, to try and cement it in her head that what she was doing was the right thing in the long run. Finally admitting that she had broken it off with the healthiest relationship she had ever had in her entire life made everything come crashing down around her. “I’m so fucking selfish. All I can think about is how much I hate my face and my body and being second to you even though we make the music together and I just… they deserve so much better than me.”

“What?” Alina asked, pulling back. She sat up so fast and so suddenly that she hit her head on the top of the bunk and immediately winced, being forced back down while cradling the back of her skull. “Come on, we’re going to go talk with the others about this,” she insisted.

They both slipped out of the bunk so that they were standing. Nina was crying so hard that her makeup was already streaking off, she could feel the heat of her tears beginning to seep down to her skin. She wasn’t able to stop the sobs as they bubbled out of that black abyss in her gut, forcing their way through her throat. 

Alina grabbed her hand and nearly dragged her to the main living area where everyone else was sitting. She stopped on the way to grab a packet of makeup wipes and a box of tissues. She dumped them both down on the coffee table in front of the couch in the living room area of the tour bus before she pushed Nina down onto the seat beside Nikolai and Zoya. Both of their aforementioned band partners balked when they saw the state that the woman was in.

“You were right, Zoya, she’s not okay,” Alina sighed as she sat down in front of Nina. She held the other woman’s hand again, rubbing her thumb over her knuckles. Another massive wave of grief washed over Nina as she wished that it was Wylan doing that instead.

“We can see that, Alina. And I’m always right,” Zoya said, her chin jutting out with a strike of confidence.

Nikolai waved his hand in between the two of them to get them to shut up before they could start another one of their tedious arguments. “None of that now, we need to focus on Nina.”

“No you don’t,” she sniffled mournfully.

“Of course we do, we’re your friends and we love you,” Zoya informed her, the touch of annoyance that almost always clung to her words somehow gone. She reached over onto the table and handed Nina one of the makeup wipes so that she could get rid of the streaks that were left over after her crying.

She was still sobbing, unable to stop the emotions from bursting forth out of her after what she had admitted to her friend. She still took the offered item and then used it to wipe down her face. When she finished, Alina took it from her and placed the box of tissues directly down into the center of Nina’s lap.

Alina took a deep breath as she finally announced, “Nina is having a bad brain day. She hasn’t eaten anything all day and she broke up with her partners.”

Next to her, Nikolai wrapped an arm around the back of her shoulders to bring her into a hug and winced. “That would explain why Jesper is freaking out.”

“You didn’t think that bit of information was important to bring up to the rest of us?” Zoya asked. She dislodged herself from the couch and walked over to the kitchenette part of the bus. She got out a bottle of water and one of the leftover peanut butter cracker packs that they had. The snacks were rather bare bones at that point in their trip since they were all headed back home. They had just enough that no one would have to get hangry while waiting to pull into town so that they could get something. 

She returned back to the table and handed them both to Nina with a no-nonsense expression painted over her strict features. “Thank you,” she mumbled as she took them both. She opened the water first and sipped on it while she tried to quiet her tears on her own. She swallowed and they were gone, the emotion still hovering just behind her eyes and sitting in a lump in the middle of her chest but not visible to the outside.

“It’s fucking horrifying that you know how to do that,” Nikolai shook his head, his nose wrinkling with his distaste. 

“Catholic school,” Nina and Alina echoed at the same time. That caused a small giggle from the former, which made the latter smile reassuringly.

Zoya kicked the edge of the couch as she sat down to get them both to turn towards her. “Can I ask why you thought that it was a good idea to break up with the rest of your polycule? Things were good with them and you were having a good time.”

“It just…” she shook her head. “I really don’t want to talk about this.”

She peaked through the curls now hanging down into her eyes as the other shared a look with each other before they turned properly back to their friend. Alina was the one that restarted the conversation, “Fine. Self destructive break up talk can happen later. Do you think you can talk about some of the other things that you mentioned?”

Nina fidgeted. She tipped her head back and finished half of the water bottle in one go. Zoya nodded at her approvingly and then nudged the crackers with her hand to try and coax her into eating them. Despite not being particularly hungry, her stomach clenching into a knot as she thought about all of the comments that had been made about her, she opened the package and popped one into her mouth.

After she had swallowed it, she said, “I just… the comments that some of the fans were making got to me. The interviewers weren’t much better.”

“It was really fucking frustrating to have to watch them fawn over Alina when you’re the one that got screwed over by the company even harder,” Nikolai nodded reassuringly. “Trust me, Zoya and I were about a second away from pulling you out of the chair and refusing to let them talk to you during that last one.”

“That guy was an ass,” Alina nodded her head in agreement so emphatically that Nina was worried she was going to break her own neck in the process. She then carefully said, “I know that we can’t really do anything to undo the damage that he did to you when it comes to your body, but I promise that you’re beautiful.”

“I can think of something,” Genya said, startling them all. They hadn’t realized that she had walked out of the master bedroom space at the back of the bus. “You know that the only reason he kept me around was because he thought I was beautiful, which is why I was fired pretty quickly after the accident,” she gestured to the patch over her eye where the scars around were just peaking past the fabric.

Nina nodded, guilt gnawing at her insides. She knew that Genya suffered from the same self-conscious and poor body image issues that she did, so it made her envy of the other woman feel all the more intrusive and wrong.

The redhead walked over to the table, sitting down beside Alina. “You are beautiful. Just because you don’t fit the modern day aesthetic of skinny women that somehow have huge boobs doesn’t mean that you’re not. Imagine how many young people out in the audience saw you all dolled up and pretty on the stage and saw themselves. You may not have confidence in your own body, but to them you are the walking embodiment of their own beauty and confidence.”

That did make her feel a little bit better. The reassurance that she was getting from her friends was exactly what she needed. The conversation veered back to the less than favorable things that the interviewers had done when they had the whole band or even the two main singers. Nina finished her water and crackers, cleaning her face of the tears with the tissues in her lap. She ended up falling asleep with her head on Nikolai’s shoulder for the rest of the trip.

---

She felt like walking death as she hauled all of her belongings up the stairs to her apartment. The elevator was still broken, as it had been when she had left a month before. Her phone hung heavy in her pocket, turned all the way off so that she couldn’t get any texts or social media messages that would make her bad day even worse. It was good when it came to her sensitivity around her body and place in the band but bad whenever her mind flitted towards her ex-partners.

She had been wondering if they were trying to reach out to her about everything that had happened or if they had all simply deleted their conversations with her and unfollowed her on social media to be well and truly done with her. Her mind kept creating fake scenarios of them reaching out to her, asking what was wrong, and reassuring her that their lives were richer with her in them.

She couldn’t imagine that was true. They would fight valiantly to try and figure out what the actual reason she had broken up with them was, which is why she had turned her phone off for the duration of the day. 

Nina was beginning to doubt her decision to tell Zoya that she would be fine getting back to her apartment on her own. She kind of wished that she had taken her friend up on the offer of them staying together for a while until the post-breakup blues and depressive spiral was over. She couldn’t rely on other people to help her with everything, especially after what they had done to help her on the bus. So she had politely declined and made her own way back to her home.

She stopped in front of her door, opening it with the keys clutched in her hand. She deposited them next to her phone and wallet in the little bowl on top of the bookshelf beside her door. She slid her suitcase through into her little walkway and then closed the door before she dumped her backpack next to it. She was so tired from the tour overall, but it was only aggravated by her not being able to sleep the night before and the emotional turmoil that she had been suffering with the whole day. The nap that she had taken on the bus had only helped a little.

“Food and unpacking,” she mumbled to herself as she grabbed her bag and officially turned around. A gasp ripped itself from her lips as she saw that there was another figure in her home, sitting in the light of the quickly setting sun. It had been close to eight at night when the bus had finally pulled back into the town and it took another hour for them to get everything loaded off of it and into their own vehicles.

The man that was sitting in her chair was a very familiar face, one that her heart had been yearning after the entire day. His hair was mused like he had been running his hands through it all day, the scar on his lip aggravated and red from chewing on it. His clothes consisted of a pair of slim fitting satiny pants and a disheveled looking white button down. His hands were bare on top of the cane that he was clutching like it was going to run away from him.

“Kaz?” she asked, her brows furrowing together with confusion. “What are you-”

She was barely able to get anything else out before another pair of lips were suddenly on top of her own. Her back hit the door that she had just closed, sending her backpack and suitcase tumbling over. Nina heard the clatter of the cane join the cacophony of noise as he brought both of his hands to her hips to keep her in place. She didn’t push him off or tell him that she didn’t want it because then she would be lying to him, and she couldn’t do that again. Instead she began to cry as she kissed him back. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders and threaded through his already destroyed hair, holding his body to her own like he would suddenly disappear.

“What… what was that?” she asked when he finally broke away from her to let her breathe.

“What the fuck did you think that you were doing?” Kaz seethed, pain and anger mixing in eyes in a way that made her stomach flip and her heart flutter. 

She didn’t know what the proper response to that would have been, especially since her own question hadn’t yet been answered. So she just tried a weak, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I can almost guarantee that you do,” Kaz replied, fire and bitterness seeping into every word that he spoke. He took a step back from her so that she could finally free herself from the wall, but he didn’t remove his eyes from her for a moment. It was like he thought that if he looked away, she would vanish back into the nothingness that she had been before. 

Nina shook that thought from her head the second that it crossed into her mind. There was no way that someone could love her that much. “Is this about the text?” she asked, nervously running her fingers along the seam of her pants.

“No, it’s about the fact that Jesper didn’t show up for dinner today, of course it’s about the text!” he shouted. “How did you think that kind of thing was okay to spring on us when none of us were around to talk you out of it?”

She brought her arms around herself so that she was holding in all of the emotion that was threatening to burst forth from her. “I thought that it would be the best way to do it. I know that breaking up over text isn’t something that’s really praised when it comes to judging whether or not an ex has been fair to you but I knew that I couldn’t do it face-to-face.”

Kaz limped past her so that he was sitting on her couch. Silence hung between them for a moment, and she took in her surroundings so that she could look anywhere but at her very upset boyfriend. Her home had pale cream colored walls with a white ceiling, a single black ceiling light hanging from the center. She had a red velvet couch in between two black metal tables, both of which were overflowing with notebooks, lamps, and plants. The entertainment center that held her small collection of DVDs and television matched the coffee table, which had been unintentional but fit the room perfectly. She had a thick black rug underneath it all that she and Wylan had spent almost an hour laying on the first time that they had spent time alone post-relationship. The living room led directly into the kitchen, which was separated from the space with a counter and cabinets.

“Why do you think that was?” Kaz asked when he finally got the energy to speak up again. She could see him charging up the attack like a canon preparing to fire before the words fell from his scarred lips.

“What?” she asked, shifting back and forth to rid herself of the nervous energy building up in her limbs. She had spent too long exerting herself to her limit every night and then cramped in a bus every day to just stand still in front of him.

“Why do you think that it would have been almost impossible to ask us to break up with you if you had been in front of us?” he asked. 

She tilted her head down towards the floor and tried her best not to start crying again. “I said it in the message. I love you all so, so much. It would have torn me apart to see your faces when you realized that this isn’t going to work out for you.”

“You don’t get to decide that for us, Nina!” Kaz shouted, springing from the couch. He winced, obviously having bent his bad knee too quickly, and collapsed back onto the furniture. “We’re the ones that get to make the decision about who is in our life and our relationship. We’re all consenting adults that are within a few years of each other, there’s no power imbalance. There’s no coercion or pressure, consent is explicit in everything that we do and no judgment gets passed when someone has to opt out of an activity. We would have let you know if we didn’t want to date you. You don’t get to fucking decide that for us!”

“You don’t understand!” she screamed, throwing her arms out in a wide gesture to accentuate her point. “I’m fucking cursed! Every time that my life has been this could something has come out of goddamn left field to try and ruin all of it. I could already see it happening when I was on tour and I wanted to save you all from it. You have each other to support you through the initial pain of the breakup, but you’ll be fine once that’s all over. Don’t you see why I can’t be around you? I’m going to hurt you like I did this time and one day it’ll be so big that you’ll start to resent me like everyone always does.”

Kaz slowly pushed himself up from the couch and limped over to her. He placed his ungloved hands on either side of her face and then brought his lips forward so that he was kissing her forehead. She had started crying again, all of the water that Zoya had forced her to drink on the bus now streaming down her face in well-traced rivulets.

She collapsed into him, letting out a wail that shook her entire body. Her face was buried into his neck and her arms were still wrapping around herself to try and get a small amount of extra comfort that way. He was holding her like she was going to disappear, just the way she liked it. It made her feel grounded and stable.

Nina cried and cried until there were no more tears left. She was hiccuping slightly as she pulled back and used the end of her sleeves to mop up the tears still on her face. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

He was about to say something when his phone went off in his pocket. Unable to contain her own curiosity, she asked, “Who’s that?”

“Backup,” Kaz replied shortly. He was still upset with her but had already mostly forgiven her.

“What, were you going to trap me until I came back to the relationship?” she asked, trying to tease him like she always did before she had done that catastrophically stupid thing. 

“Nina,” he warned, looking towards her. He had pulled his phone out of his pocket and turned it on so that he could see who it was that had texted him, but he immediately shoved it back into the pocket of his pants. Kaz’s dark eyes were shining with a kind of fear that he had only see after he woke up from his infrequent nightmares. That struck something deep inside of her and she immediately decided that she was never going to do something like that ever again, not for as long as she lived.

He stepped forward and placed his hands on either side of her face again. “I-I can’t fucking live without you. Any of you. I’ve lost so many people. I can’t lose you too. You hear me? I don’t care if you have some sort of fucking curse, I’ll handle whatever it throws at us. But I cannot lose you,” he spoke with such sincerity that it almost restarted her tears.

Instead, she flung herself around him so that he was buried into the edge of her body. She kissed his neck and then whispered, like it was a secret for just the two of them despite them still being alone in the apartment, “I’m sorry. I promise that I won’t do it again. Never ever.”

“Good,” Kaz replied. He cleared his throat and turned his face away from her so that she couldn’t see the tears glistening on his dark lashes, though she was able to catch a glimpse regardless. He slumped back onto the couch while sticking his bad leg out in front of him so that he didn’t further irritate the nerve sheaths that had been damaged. “I want you to go and put on the locket and ring that you always wear. If you have any clothing from our boys then you’re to put that on as well. They’re going to be coming over as soon as Matthias and Jesper’s show is over.”

“Don’t they have a cast party tonight?” she asked, already moving to do as he had asked. She felt rubbed raw with all of the emotion that she had just had to endure again, after sitting with the turmoil while trapped with her own mind on a bus for hours. She wanted to see the rest of her partners as soon as she could, to apologize to them as she had done to Kaz, but she wasn’t sure how much more crying she could honestly handle.

“Making sure that their girlfriend doesn’t break up with them trumps a cast party that they can attend after every show that they perform in,” Kaz replied, giving her a look that told her she should have been able to guess that.

Nina made herself busy to hide the burning on her freckled cheeks. She opened up her suitcase and got out the items she had so carefully put away early that morning. She secured the necklace right where it belonged, hanging over her collarbone. She then shed her travel shirt and put on Matthias’ shirt and Wylan’s hoodie. The rest of the clothing in the suitcase was thrown haphazardly into the washer so that it could be doing something productive. Kaz let her out of his sight long enough for her to also put away her makeup and the suitcase itself. When she came back, she handed Kaz back his cane and sat down on the ground in front of him.

“I really am sorry, you know,” she whispered.

“I could tell from the crying. I never want to see you that upset again,” he informed her as though he was scolding her. She knew how to see through the Kaz-speak well enough to tell that he was actually telling her how much he hated seeing her when she was in pain.

“Were…” she trailed off, burying her face in the soft velvet of the couch. She put her cheek on it instead, looking up at him while resisting the urge to put her head in his lap. “Were the others also upset?”

“Of course they were, Nina,” he replied. His voice was soft instead of gravely and biting like it normally was when they were having their verbal sparring sessions. She felt special to finally be the one that was receiving his tenderness, usually she was on the outside while watching it be given to Inej and Jesper. He continued, which she had not been expecting, “Jesper immediately started trying to find a way that he could track the bus and find a way to drive out to meet you to prove how much he loved you. Inej got a flight back a day early so that she could be here as soon as she possibly could. Wylan is currently driving back from his conference, he told them that he had a family emergency.”

“But he didn’t!” Nina gasped. Wylan took his job very seriously so the idea that he had lied to his associates about what he was doing absolutely flummoxed her.

“Darling, he did,” Kaz reminded her softly. “One of the only two women in his life that he has ever loved outside of a familiar sense threatened to leave him and break his heart. He had to come back to you.”

She sniffled again, but refused to let herself start crying. Kaz scooted over on the couch so that her head was actually pillowed on his thighs. She relaxed as his bare fingers began to card through her dark chocolate curls, an ever-present reminder of how loved she was. Kaz finally concluded, “I’ve never seen Matthias more broken or upset. He was absolutely devastated that he hadn’t proved to you just how adored you were by both him and us. I felt the same way. I had someone else open the Crow Club tonight just to wait for you.”

“I feel really bad for making you all do that. I thought that this would be the easiest way to protect you, to do it when none of you could come after me,” Nina mumbled as she hid her face away in his lap.

Kaz let the silent hang between them for a moment as he continued to weave his fingers through her curls. “I know. You were technically very clever with how you did it. You let your depression trick you into thinking that you didn’t deserve us or that we wouldn’t want you, and then you decided on a plan that would allow us to supposedly be ‘free’ of you with the least amount of chance of us getting to you to convince you to change your mind. What you didn’t account for was how much we loved you and how desperate we are to keep you near us.”

“Did any of you consider that I actually wanted to breakup?” Nina asked, curiosity getting the better of her. The words slipped through her mouth before she even had a chance to think about why that kind of thing might be hurtful to ask.

“No,” he replied immediately. “You made it very clear in the text that you sent that this was a self-destructive behavior and not something that you actually wanted to be happening. If you had sent any other message then there may have been some doubt in my mind, though.”

“You can read me so well,” she murmured. She grabbed his hand with her own and began to toy with the ends of his fingers.

They both sat in silence for a while until there was a knock on her door. Kaz got up, motioning for her to stay on the couch while he limped towards it. He grabbed his cane from where he had left it on the ground and then answered.

Almost as soon as the door opened, two other members of her polycule had piled in. Kaz had stepped to the side to allow them to, though Nina noticed for a moment that he didn’t actually close to the door or move away from it. Her attention was pulled away from him and to her other boyfriends, Matthias and Jesper immediately crowding her vision.

“Min elskede, vær venlig aldrig at skræmme mig sådan igen. Jeg elsker dig mere end hele verden og kan ikke fatte at skulle være uden dig,” Matthias was speaking so quickly that she was only able to catch a couple of the words that he was saying. Nina had always been naturally gifted when it came to languages, so she had been studying the native tongues of some of her partners so that she could speak with them in a language personal to them specifically. She hadn’t gotten far enough in her Danish lessons to be able to tell what he was saying then.

Her mind was racing to try and figure out what he had said so that she could have some tiny hope at translating it when Jesper dragged her out of it. “Did Kaz talk to you?”

“Yeah,” she whispered with a little nod. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t! Don’t fucking apologize to me,” Jesper shook his head. He knelt down on the ground in front of her and took her hand with his own. Matthias had already fallen to his knees in front of Nina like he was worshiping at an alter. In any other situation she would have found it incredibly erotic, but all she could think about was how guilty she was for causing them pain and how much she absolutely adored them with her entire heart.

He took a shaky breath in through his nose as he wrapped both of his calloused hands around hers. He brought it up to his mouth and pressed a kiss to her palm before he cupped his own cheek with her hand. “I love you, Nina. I truly do. I know that I’m not the best at speaking your love language and sometimes I fuck up and I hurt people, but I love you. Please never make me live without you because you think that I don’t want you.”

“I won’t, never ever again,” she shook her head. She took her hand away from Matthias just long enough to cup his other cheek. She kissed the top of Jesper’s forehead, his coiled black hair tickling the edge of her nose. She then pressed her lips to his for a longer time than was absolutely necessary.

She turned to her other boyfriend then and gave him a watery smile. She was determined not to cry no matter how many feelings she had brewing inside of her, deciding that she had reached her limit for tears. “You’re going to have to repeat what you said if you want me to be able to translate it, baby.”

“I love you,” he said, his English rough and heavily accented with emotion. “Jepser said everything else I had wanted to say. Please do not leave us.”

“I’m not going to, I promise,” she whispered. She kissed him as well.

By the time that she had finished soothing the worries that were brewing inside of her two boys, the door shut. She looked up and around Matthias to see Inej and Wylan standing there. They both looked harried and worn out from the traveling and change of plans that they had to do that day, both also carrying bags from their trips. “I’m sorry,” was the only thing that she could get out of her throat.

“I know,” Inej replied. She stalked over to the other woman, Matthias and Jesper moving away from her so that she had the space she needed. “There was a reason that I sent Kaz to talk you down. Draga mea, you are not cursed. You have had bad things happen to you because bad people were trying to hurt you. Now you have us to protect you from both your own mind and the people trying to hurt you. Never throw away your armor because the knife is shining nicely.”

Nina giggled and then nodded. Inej leaned down and kissed her.

“So you’re going to stay with us? We’re not breaking up anymore?” Wylan asked, his shoulders sagging in relief.

“No, I’m sorry. I got too into my own head and then I guess I just couldn’t keep it inside any longer,” Nina shook her head. She stood up and moved away from the three partners crowding the couch as she wrapped herself around Wylan. He buried himself into her body and clung to her to make sure that she was really there in front of him.

She removed her head from his fluffy brown-red hair to look over all of her partners. They had all gone to such great lengths to make sure that she was still together with them and so that she knew that they loved her. She was never going to hurt them like that again, for as long as she lived. 

[finnicks]

( fic ) i'm desperate for your adoration

i'm desperate for your adoration

grishaverse (nikolai series) | zoya/nikolai; mature, 500 words

"So, does this mean I get to be your dirty little secret?"

*

Nikolai's excited to be Queen Zoya's dirty little secret, but she has other plans for him.

[thebadgerclan]

Part of the Job

Pairing: Zoya Nazyalensky x reader x Nikolai Lantsov

Requested by Anonymous

Summary: It’s an unknown part of the job...

Y/F/F is your favorite food

It was an unknown side to the job: the duties of the Princess Consort, but they were duties you took on happily.  The public thought that a consort’s job was to look pretty, to appear on the monarch’s arm at state functions and to warm their bed.  And while you certainly did those things, you also saw to trade agreements, foreign relations, as well as managing the Queen’s household.  So despite what your people thought, your days were far from lounging on a divan waiting for either of your lovers to call on you.

It had certainly been an adjustment, going from a lady-in-waiting to a member of the royal household, but you thought you managed it fairly well.  That is, until a shipment of Zemini wheat got lost at sea, the Shu were angry about one of their temples being disrespected, and 5 members of the Queen’s staff had quit in one day.  You’d thought you could manage, but you soon found yourself drowning in your work, completely overwhelmed and exhausted.

Nikolai found you asleep at your desk, the latest report from the Shu temple in Tsemna crinkled under your cheek.  “Wake up, honey,” he said gently, shaking your shoulder.  “Zoya’ll have my head if I let you keep working yourself this hard.”  You blinked blearily as you lifted your head, the Prince laughing at the faint ink smudges on your cheek.  “Come on, Y/N.  Let’s get you back to our rooms.  We’ll draw you a bath and help you relax.”

“But the Zemini,” you weakly protested.  “And the Shu.  And what about Zoya’s staff?  Kolya, I can’t leave now, I ha-”  “Shhh, darling, shh.  I’ll have Pavel look those over.  Right now, you need a warm bath, a hot meal, and a good night’s rest.  I heard the kitchen’s making Y/F/F tonight.”  It was a pleasant thought, and you let your lover lead you to your rooms, where Zoya was already waiting.

“There she is,” the Queen said softly, opening her arms for you.  You tumbled into her embrace, sighing as she wound her arms around you, kissing your forehead, while her husband disappeared into the bathroom to draw a bath.  “Is my beautiful girl tired?”  “Hmm, missed you,” was your reply, and Zoya smiled, running her hand up and down your back.  “I missed you too, malyshka.  Nikolai and I both did.”

The Prince seemed to appear at the mention of his name, beckoning you and Zoya into the bathroom.  The tub, which was large enough to fit all three of you, was filled with steaming water and topped with rose petals, and you felt your muscles begin to relax as the Queen undressed you.  Zoya helped lower you into the water, your head resting on the porcelain lip once you were submerged.

Your lovers allowed you to soak for a few minutes before Nikolai lathered a washcloth and began washing you, while Zoya gently sat you up and began massaging your stiff neck and shoulders.  You groaned when she dug into a particularly sore spot, your head lolling forward.  Zoya then wetted your hair and washed and conditioned it, her touch nearly lulling you to sleep.  But Nikolai kept you awake with kisses pressed to your skin, whispers of how much he loved you and how beautiful you were.

When you were clean, the Prince toweled you off while the Queen pulled your pajamas on, finishing with a kiss to your lips.  Upon your exit of the bathroom, a tray was resting on the coffee table, and sure enough, it was Y/F/F.  The three of you ate in comfortable silence, and when you nodded off against Nikolai’s shoulder, you moved to the bed.  Zoya laid with you cradled against her chest, Nikolai spooning you from behind.  “Take your workload down a bit, love,” Zoya said, stroking your hair.  “Or I’ll decree that the Princess Consort must sit with her feet up all day, every day.”

You laughed, kissing her collarbone.  “You would, wouldn’t you?”  “To make sure you’re getting enough rest?  Absolutely.”  “We love you so much, Y/N,” Nikolai said, gliding his hand down your side.  “I love you too.  Both of you.”  Zoya smiled, kissing your brow.  “Sleep, my love.  Don’t even think about work.”  And as you drifted off, Zemini wheat, Shu temples, and the Queen’s staff were the farthest things from your mind.

[cozy-possum]

"Grisha who control the elements are controlled natural disasters waiting to be pointed to the target" IM FERAL OVER THIS DESCRIPTION its so *chefs kiss*, I'm absolutely obsessed.

Personally, I'd be throwing hands with any Inferni making everything all muggy and humid; I live in New Zealand, so I live in 80%+ humidity every day and its the worst 😭😭 i LOVE the concept of the Tidemakers essentially being able to become puppeteers, though – how terrifying would it be to be forced to move against your will, especially in a battle situation??

I know you've mentioned before how Tidemakers could feel "clammy" or Inferni having burnt hands or how Sun Summoners don't have a shadow; how else do you think this body horror take on Grisha talents could impact them physically? I think the physical implications are just SO interesting and really add to the perspectives of other nations (and maybe even non-Grisha Ravkans) to be looking at Grisha as dangerous, abominations, something to be fearful of.

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I'm glad you like it! I was particularly proud of it haha

Oh man I've escaped previous heat/humidity and do not want to go back lol

Yes, being moved against your will, or being unable to move when you hit a certain range that the tidemaker can control! That would be terrifying!!! Thinking you're on a scouting mission and suddenly you think you can hear voices, so you rush forward, and there's a group, the lost patrol, but they're froze to the spot, screaming for you to run back, instead you find yourself walking towards them, a strange sound of waves in your ears. You don't cry, no matter how much you want to, they don't want to waste the water for tears.

I think it would be really interesting if what they controlled didn't effect them or hinder them, that their science automatically compensated for it. And going of the fact Grisha are supposed to be 'rare' it would be a cool like 'natural protection' for them, and possibly another tool for people to find them before their powers develop, a way to hunt them if you go darker. The closer it gets to their powers showing, the more automatic processes their body does.

Also the more they use their powers the more visual it becomes. Shadow summoners who's limbs blacken, and seem to vanish into smoke in certain light. Sun Summoners who slowly go blind from their own light, burning from the inside out and collapsing like a dying star. Tidemakers who slowly drown themselves, every manipulation of water fills there lungs drop by drop, or the opposite, they pull water from their very being. Squallers who pull air from themselves, slowly suffocating, or they fill themselves up with so much they combust, they dissolve into the air itself. Inferni who have burns creeping up their hands, who cough and breathe out ash and smoke, their bodies being burned from the inside out, after all that's all oxygenation is

Tidemakers who never get wet or damp, even in the rain, not because they're moving it, but because the water knows not to effect them. Like how some birds have oil in thier feathers that makes them hydrophobic. They can hold their breathe for too long, the water dividing itself into oxygen for them to breathe. One of the ways to check if a child might be a squaller is to hold them underwater, of course, not many abide this old superstition. The can handle slightly hotter or colder temperatures as the water in their bodies adjusts. Tidemakers that can direct small bits of water, when it's raining the runoff never seems to dampen their feet or the area they stand.

Inferni that are never uncomfortable in any temperature their body naturally adjusting, they're immune to certain chemicals/combinations because of the combustion particles. They can gain bursts of strength, their bodies manipulating them as they would flame from the world around them. Depending on what specific particles it is they can manipulate (Would other Inferni be better at different particles/combinations?? That would be very interesting) they can breathe in highly toxic areas like nothing is wrong. They can track or recognize places and soldiers by particles, they can tell where things have come from if they've been exposed to certain particles from certain areas. They can effect the temperature of those around them, especially with strong emotions. Those that make an Inferni anger or someone that causes lust/ a crush are often the source of a sweltering gaze and prickling heat, sometimes when their gaze is averted, something close by will combust/light on fire/heat up. Inferni who give off steam when they become emotional.

Squallers that never seem to slow in movements, the wind pulling and pushing their bodies for them, keeping them moving, keeping them out of danger even if their body can't or shouldn't be moving. Like when a strong gust of wind moves you. They can handle low oxygen environments like mountains or caves easier than most. They can alter air pressure around objects to make them heavier or lighter to an extent. The wind seems to influence their emotions, or the other way around, most aren't sure and no one want to anger a Squaller enough to find out.

Sun Summoners who move faster, are stronger in the sunlight, seemingly full of energy when in the lights path. They can see in the dark because they produce a natural light that encompasses themselves, the more power they have the more others can see it. When they become angry or too excited, or just too many strong emotions it will blind others from their reactions. They never seem to get sunburned, or sun stroke. They become effected by the season more easily, the lack of sunlight causing them distress if they're lacking in a strong family

Shadow Summoners who can see in the dark, who don't recognise that there isn't a light source. They can move the shadows to hide them. They often move silently when in darkness. The changes in season are usually when they're stronger, they don't seem effected by the shorter days or longer nights. They can travel better and night, they can stay in darkness for days at a time, so different methods of torture must be used for them. They suffer from light sensitivity often struggling to be out during the highest points of the day or they hide from flames and other light sources.

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