#zoya the love of my life after inej

[steponmeinejghafa]

First Bench Pt. 3

Summary: You and Zoya meet for tutoring, and another teacher throws you both together again.

First Part

Second Part

———————————————————————

Six p.m. You dreaded the hour as it crept closer. Naturally not wanting Zoya to one-up you, you had arrived ten minutes early. The only table which wasn’t occupied was in a dusty corner at the back of the library, and you’d taken out your heavily annotated textbook to read before she arrived.

Someone whacked you on the back of your head, and you instantly snapped back to elbow them in the ribs.

“Ow!” Zoya exclaimed with a scowl as she sat beside you. “You’re a little savage, aren’t you?”

You rolled your eyes, “Never do that again or I’ll personally make sure you can never walk again, Nazyalensky,”

“Whatever, Brekker,” she scoffed. “So, we’ll be covering math today thanks to your abysmal performance in the last few tests,”

“Don’t have to rub it in,” you grumbled.

She raised a brow and said cockily, “What, that I’m smarter than you?”

You clenched your fist underneath the table. She was getting on your nerves now.

“Did you come here to tutor me or to gloat?” You snarled, a frown scrunching your brows together.

You were adorable when you got riled up…

Zoya laughed cockily and shook her head, opening out her equally heavily annotated math book.

“Alright, Brekker, let me dumb it down for you…”

—Time Skip—

Kaz wasn’t getting any better, and the doctor was talking about another week of bed rest, since the fever your brother had gotten had made his leg worse.

“He says I have to use the cane more,” your brother confided that evening as you sat with him playing cards to keep him entertained.

You sighed softly and patted his hand lovingly. “It’s for your own good.”

“I know,” he scowled. “But come on. I’m in high school and I’m using a cane. Think of how I’ll be bullied.”

You shrugged, “I know a guy who can make it badass for you.”

His eyes lit up. “Really?”

You nodded and smiled. “Really.”

He gently punched your shoulder good-naturedly. “You’re a good sister, Y/n.”

“Okay, no need to bust out the compliments yet, little brother,” you scoffed with a laugh. “You’re not dying.”

“First of all, we’re twins and you’re like, twelve minutes older than me,” he rolled his eyes. “And way to ruin an emotional moment, dumbass.”

“I have the emotional capacity of a toothpick,” you admitted. “So expect nothing from me.”

As much as you hated to admit it, tutoring with Zoya was helping. You were slowly regaining your position at the top of the class, and, suspecting that Zoya might sabotage you in some way, you made sure to study extra after she’d leave the library for the evening so that you could get a head start.

Obviously you’d never tell her that it was helping. She’d never let you hear the end of it.

“Had fun struggling in the test?” She asked snidely, referring to the stack of test papers on the teacher’s desk.

“Had fun getting lesser marks than me?” You asked, picking up your own paper from the pile.

“Pardon me, but who’s the one getting tutored?” She smirked, holding up her history paper which bore the score 49/50 in bold red letters.

You laughed, mimicking her cocky tone as you showed your own paper, which had 50/50 written with red and a good remark from the teacher beside it. “Pardon me, but who’s the one getting a full score?”

“Fuck you, Brekker,” she grumbled, her ears burning with irritation as you went to sit with Jesper and Nina.

“In your dreams, Nazyalensky,” you cackled, fist-bumping your two best friends.

“You know, I’m sensing some sexual tension,” admitted Jesper, nodding at Zoya.

Nina chuckled and nodded in agreement. “Yeah. The flirting is a bit much, don’t you think?”

Your ears burned with a blush as you shook your head. “Absolutely not! She is a cocky, arrogant annoying, and irritatingly attractive girl.”

“Attractive, hm?” Nina raised a brow, resting her cheek on her fist as she looks at you with a knowing smirk on her face.

You flicked her forehead and clarified, “Irritatingly attractive. Like, have you seen her? All sharp jawline, full lips and dark eyes. No one so annoying should have such attractive features!”

Inej and Wylan came up to you thee as they overheard the conversation,

“Do you like her?” Wylan hinted with a smirk.

You grimaced and fake-gagged, shaking your head. “Ew, I would rather die!”

“Sometimes, I wish you would stop being so delusional,” Inej sighed. “It is painstakingly obvious.”

You grumbled and buried your blushing face in your hands. “I hate you all.”

Meanwhile, Zoya was chatting with her own friends, Alina and Genya.

“Who does she think she is?” She glared at you as you talked to your own friends.

Alina shrugged, “Personally, I think you’ve got a thing for her.”

“Agreed,” Genya giggled, sitting on the edge of the desk. “Like, all you ever talk about is ‘Oh, Brekker is this, Brekker is that,’ or ‘You won’t not believe what Brekker did!’

Zoya let out an incredulous snort. “Me! Like her? Brekker? Absolutely not. I would rather fail all subjects and die!”

“Why is that?” Alina smirked, having spotted the lie.

“Well, she’s annoying, ridiculously cocky, and infuriatingly cute!” Zoya scoffed. “Like, no one should have the right to have such a smile when they’re the literal embodiment of irritation!”

“I’m sensing sexual tension…” Genya said in a sing-song voice.

Zoya shoved the redhead gently off her desk and mumbled, “You’re both idiots.”

The teacher came in and called for decorum, so the class settled down at last.

“Alright,” she said with a sigh. “Exams are nearly over, so I should brief you on your latest project. This one is worth 20% of your annual grade, so make sure your report is well done. I will be assigning pairs.”

A collective groan went through the class, and Jesper whispered to Nina, “Thirty vlachki says Y/n’s gonna be with Zoya.”

“I say she’s with Alina,” Nina replied.

“You’re both idiots,” you scoffed.

“Alright, you will all have to make a comprehensive report on any one nation in particular, mapping out every last aspect of its history. Simple enough?” The teacher asked, and the class mumbled in agreement. “Good because either ways I do not give a single damn. This is due in the next one week.

“Now for the pairs, Nazyalensky and—er—girl Brekker,” Jesper nudged Nina with a grin as she said it. “Starkov and Oretsev, Zenik and Helvar, Fahey and Van Eck, Ghafa and—well—boy Brekker?”

“I suggest you go with first names, Miss,” you chuckled, making the class hum with agreement.

“Fine,” she agreed, starting over. “Zoya and Y/n, Alina and Malyen, Nina and Matthias, Jesper and Wylan, Inej and Kaz…”

“I have a feeling she ships everyone with each other,” Nina chuckled.

You sighed in irritation. Zoya Nazyalensky of all people was your partner. It was like the Saints were condemning you.

First you have to be tutored by her and now you have to work with her?

After class, Zoya caught you near the lockers and said, “So, we have to work together now.”

You grimaced, “Yes.”

She chuckled softly and poked you with her pencil. “I guess I’ll have to make sure it’s good work, since I’m better.”

“Says the one who got a 49.” You scoffed, catching her wrist sharply when she made a move to poke you again.

She wrestled her hand from your grip and caught your chin in her hand, pulling you close.

“Gloat about that again, I dare you,” she hissed in a tone so menacing, you actually figured the consequences would be bad.

You giggled, however. “Getting riled up because you know I’m better than you, Nazyalensky?”

Her grip loosened around your chin as she caught your collar in her fists, her dark eyes glaring fiercely into your e/c ones.

Saints, she had pretty eyes…

“Shut up, Brekker, or so help me, I will make you fail,” she seethed.

“And risk getting in the bad books of Reznik?” you laughed evilly. “We both know you could never.”

She let go of you and scowled. “Tonight, six p.m. Keep your material ready and do not be late.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll make sure my work isn’t as mediocre as yours,” you shot back with a sweet smile.

She rolled her eyes. “Fuck you, Brekker.”

“In your dreams, Nazyalensky,” you chuckled and turned away, walking towards your friends who had somehow miraculously appeared there.

Jesper clapped you on the back and sing-songed, “Sexual tension…”

You gently elbowed him in the rubs and mumbled, “Shut up and go moon over Wylan, you dumbass.”

—Time Skip—

“Decided a country?” Zoya asked as she arrived at the library that evening.

You showed her your binder of resources as you said plainly, “We will do our project on Kerch.”

“Why Kerch, when Ravka has such a rich history?” She asked with a raised brow.

You grumbled and said, “Because Kerch is where we get everything from. We get our oil, our resources, our ships, our manual labour from there. Everything essential to run a country, Kerch provides.”

“I have to admit, Brekker,” she curled her bottom lip in approval, “I’m impressed.”

“As if your opinion means anything to me,” you kicked her under the table. However, some part inside you warmed up at her words.

Maybe it means something a little bit…

While you both discussed the topic, adding each other’s views and opinions while drafting, Zoya had to notice little things when you both would take long silences as a break.

She noticed the way you tugged at a stray lock of your hair, or how you began turning your wrists after a long round of writing.

Her favourite thing was when you’d spin your pen deftly between your fingers.

It had her mind going places it shouldn’t…

‘Stop it, Zoya,’ she thought to herself sternly. ‘You have to beat her, not stare at her fingers!’

Meanwhile, you noticed how she always furrowed her brows in concentration while she explained a topic to add in, or how she bit her lip if she was writing something down.

But, your personal favourite was when she’d make eye contact when you’d explain something, her head tilted slightly as she listened intently.

Insufferable as she was, she knew how to listen.

You leaned back in your chair and sighed loudly, rubbing your eyes tiredly. The clock had chimed ten p.m. it had been four hours of work, and both of you looked worse for wear. The table was piled with books, and you both had to scoot closer in order to work on the massive stack of pages which had the first draft of your report. Thirty two pages in four hours.

You wanted to collapse and fall asleep, but only after making fun of your partner.

However, you had to admit that Zoya with her wavy hair tied up in a messy knot atop her head, with a slightly sluggish smile of satisfaction on her face was…maybe a little bit cute.

“Take a break,” you said. “I need my opponent to be forever ready for battle, Nazyalensky,”

“You are insufferable, Brekker,” she rolled her eyes as she closed her eyes tiredly.

You chuckled and decided to draft a conclusion to the pair of yours’ messy notes.

Suddenly, you felt a bit of weight against your shoulder. You froze instantly, unsure of what to do.

It was Zoya, sleeping soundly, snoring a little with her arms crossed and her head against your shoulder.

The enmity against her within you made your skin bristle, and the urge to push her off you rise on your fingertips.

But something else, something a little stronger, pushed the feeling away and replaced it with the need to keep her peacefully asleep while you finished the work up for her.

You’d bully her about that later, obviously.

Zoya started awake twenty minutes later and immediately moved away from you, her cheeks burning red.

Did she really just fall asleep against your shoulder?

“Did I fall asleep?” She said, fixing her hair hastily, trying to regain composure.

You chuckled, “Looks like Sleeping Beauty’s finally awake.”

She kicked you under the table and replied sneakily, “Working with you is more tiring than working on a farm during harvest season.”

“Oh yes, because I’m such a slow worker that I made a draft conclusion for the report in twenty minutes?” You raised a brow, holding the paper out to her.

She snatched it from you with a side eye and pulled the pencil out from her hair, making her chocolate brown locks fall down her back in slightly tangled but otherwise captivating waves.

She checked over the page, making a few changes here and there before she placed the page down with the others, sighing deeply.

“Well,” she said, as if the words were a massive effort. “It’s not bad.”

“It’s our first draft, idiot,” you scoffed. “We have to work on it more, so don’t get too excited. I’m still waiting for a better response to my hard work.”

“You did a page in twenty minutes, that’s hardly anything,” she rolled her eyes.

You leaned closer and cupped a hand behind your ear, saying in a tone as though you were prompting her, “Oh, thank you so, so much, especially for letting me nap like the little baby I am while you did the work…”

“Thanks, Brekker,” she sighed. “You are insufferable.”

“I’m not usually insufferable, but you get so easily riled up it is hard not to be,” you giggled, packing up.

You both reached the steps outside the library. “Want me to walk you home so you don’t get lost, little baby Nazyalensky?” You jeered at her, leaning against the railing.

She rolled her eyes and placed her hand against where you were leaning, pinning you, somehow, against the railing, saying, “Don’t get too confident, Brekker. Take me on a date first.”

Butterflies erupted in your stomach, as your slightly shyer side threatened to come out.

What was it with her and pinning you against things this way? Did she know how it made you feel?

You made a face, praying the dim light masked your blush. “As if I would ever! No amount of money in the world could make me do that!”

You consciously avoided her gaze, afraid of the feeling in your stomach. It was a knot of heat which pulsed when she tried making eye contact with you.

Oh, but how enticing that offer was…

“It’s Saturday tomorrow,” she said, grasping your chin between her thumb and forefinger to keep you from looking away. Her dark eyes locked on yours magnetically, as you felt that foreign heat travel steadily lower. “So I expect you to be here at four p.m, got it?”

Saints, she looked good up close, too.

You laughed nervously, and moved such that you got slightly closer to her. Your gaze skirted to her lips unintentionally, and your body was practically immobilised in a gay panic.

But, when her breath hitched and her dominant demeanour faltered, you laughed and moved away, bowing mockingly.

“And that’s how you flirt, Nazyalensky,” you smirked, thankful to your ability to get easily flustered for once. “Getting a little too obsessed with me, I see.”

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “That’s called wishful thinking, Brekker. As as if I would ever be.”

You hummed. “Well, you’re too annoying to be my type. So, wishful thinking on your part, really.”

“I’m too annoying? Brekker, you make a bratty toddler look like an angel,” she laughed humourlessly.

“Whatever, good night, little baby Nazyalensky,” you sniggered, gently punching her shoulder.

She rolled her eyes. “Fuck you, Brekker.”

Obviously, you gave her your standard reply.

“In your dreams, Nazyalensky!”

Zoya, as she walked away, mumbled to herself, “For now, dreams will have to suffice…”

———

WOW SO MANY UPDATES-

I hope you enjoyed this one <3 feel free to ask or request!

[happyhauntt]

— march fic recs, brought to you by happyhauntt.

a wee fic rec post for a few of the fics i read in march that altered my brain chemistry!! i've put a lil comment next to each rec because honestly writers don't get praised enough for their work these days and i wanted to show my appreciation for these talented souls!!

grishaverse.

➡ kaz brekker.

what do you want from me by @rubysunnday. notes: literally perfect wtf.

dark days by rubysunnday. notes: i reread this literally constantly, it is so perfect, kaz's characterisation is perfect, i adore it.

bloody hands by rubysunnday. notes: i devoured this whole thing like a starving person it was sO good.

when am i gonna lose you? by @crowsmybeloveds. notes: this is so beautiful honestly i have no words.

the lost princess by @ellewritesalright. notes: look it's only part one but elle is a fucking wizard and i'm a sucker for an anastasia au.

you and me (a whole lot of history) by @heliads. notes: this was so cute and such a clever concept i fell in love!!!

schat by @amourology. notes: fully choked this is so adorable.

soulmate by @magpiencrow. notes: KAZ BREKKER SOULMATE AU didn't know i needed this but now i need 100 more!!!!

➡ nikolai lantsov.

nine long years series by @ellewritesalright. notes: i am actively fucking screaming over this fic. i will never stop. this might genuinely be the best thing i've read in a LONG while. everything about it has me sobbing i actively CANNOT COPE. and it's not even finished yet.

one of us by @songofpatrochilless. notes: literally had me sobbing you don't understand the domesticity of it all!!!!!.

come on back to me by @atlabeth. notes: there is a very strong chance that i'll literally never stop screaming about this fic.

dreams of you by @wh0refornikolailantsov. notes: every cell in my body is SCREAMING.

this love by @lantsovsupremacist. notes: did not, in fact, give you permission to hurt me like this do it again.

salt in the wound by @in-my-feels-probably. notes: brain goes brrrr this has everything i need to survive tbh.

wanting was enough by @rubysunnday. notes: beautiful stunning magnificent i want to eat it.

an exhausted smile by @writing-havoc. notes: think i had an aneurysm reading this it was that amazing.

run away with me by @sumsebien. notes: i am still sobbing over this.

in emerald hearts, emerald minds by @undiscovered-horizon. notes: love love love love love. there aren't enough words in any language to describe how much i love this.

➡ alina starkov.

alina starkov x reader by @heliads. notes: alina does not get nearly enough love and this was so fucking sad and cute and brilliant.

➡ nina zenik.

the ten steps to 'i love you' by @sophierequests. notes: this was SO HEARTWARMING AND SWEET i adored it!!!

➡ zoya nazyalensky.

forget-me-nots by @syllvane. notes: not enough zoya fics on this hellsite. but also this ripped my heart out and made me sob so RUDE. i feel devastated.

➡ inej ghafa.

inej ghafa x reader by @heliads. notes: INEJ MY SWEET BABY, this fic is everything to me. everything. and it's so beautifully written!!!

➡ the darkling.

the dark side of the moon series by @myhairpintrigger. notes: this fic is ASTOUNDING. i haven’t cried this much reading something in a long time. i was FULL-BODY SOBBING. i don’t even like the darkling. i am Not a darkling girlie. but i was intrigued by concept of this fic and i can safely say it has ruined my life. this is Emotional Damage Incarnate. i will never recover. author, i salute you.

911.

through the smoke by @borntobewondering. notes: spent twenty whole minutes sobbing after reading this. i felt undone i felt hollow i felt so utterly fucked. author is a genius and that's all there is to say.

not so one night stand by @shmaptainwrites. notes: this was so fuckin adorable i'm in love.

d.c. to l.a. by shmaptainwrites. notes: bobby my guy just doesn't get enough fucking credit and this is so fucking adorable.

criminal minds.

➡ spencer reid.

trouble almost all my life by @januaryembrs. notes: this series is. it's literally. everything. i love bugsy like she's my own child. sister relationships are everything to me. i spent an hour sobbing in my bed over parts 2 and 3. i want this tattooed on my forehead.

➡ aaron hotchner.

found by @benedictscanvas. notes: DADDY i mean what. all jokes aside this was so sweet and beautiful and i'm in love the writing!!!

doctor who.

rage rage (against the dying of the light) by @morganas-pendragons. notes: felt feral after reading this. kayla just gets me in my feels every time.

heartbeat by morganas-pendragons. notes: this was the most emotional devastating thing i've ever read and i fully needed 3-5 business days to recover. rude. i want 100 more.

untitled by morganas-pendragons. notes: PAIN i love this so much.

ache by morganas-pendragons. notes: just scoop my heart out of my fucking chest i don't want it anymore after reading this.

a mind full of blissful terrors by @magiccath. notes: simply fucking amazing.

light in the dark by @i-imagine-my-doctor. notes: screaming please i adore this so much.

baby talk by @kisstherainwriting. notes: THE ABSOLUTE CUTIEST EVER. there's not enough clara fics and this had me squealing and feeling all warm and fuzzy!!!

holding my hand by kisstherainwriting. notes: angst galore this was STUNNING.

in another's eyes by @cas-kingdom. notes: PERFECTION.

where do we go now series by @theetherealbloom. notes: literally so fucking amazing i don't have enough words.

marauders.

the winner takes it all by @ellecdc. notes: brb faye is having a STROKE--

come back, be here series by ellecdc. notes: i think i had a full on stroke while reading this series. the attention to detail is insane. the characterisation is perfect.

i don't know you anymore (maybe i never really did) by @thenyoumightaswellwrestleangels. notes: SCREECHING i'm in love you don't understand.

bridgerton.

➡ anthony bridgerton.

distractions by @peterpparkrr. notes: simply immaculate.

right person, all the wrong times by @wwinterwitch. notes: did you mean one of my favourite tropes bc this is it.

right in front of me by @idontgiveaflyinggrayson69 & @thirteenisles. notes: i felt feral after reading this tbh.

➡ sibling!reader.

reluctant caretaker by @rubysunnday. notes: this fic hit my heart in all the right places okay sibling stuff means everything to me.

did she have a cookie by rubysunnday. notes: a joyous read from start to finish i CACKLED the whole way through.

moon knight.

come back to me by @mgparker. notes: still sobbing. immaculate.

the other sarcophagus by @starryevermore. notes: i literally reread this constantly i adore it so much!!

marc spector x reader by @softlyspector. notes: i had an aneurysm reading this and i haven't been the same since.

more marc spector x reader by softlyspector. notes: i am having an intense emotion hold on. anytime i see autistic stuff in canon content for any fandom i SQUEAK. and this is so well done honestly.

star wars.

heartless by @youvebeenlivingfictional. notes: i reread this constantly, it's so amazing and heartwrenching and beautiful and i want to eat it.

little talks by @light-yaers. notes: you simply do not understand how much i adore everything beff writes. i adore this fic more than i need oxygen to breathe.

right where you left me series by light-yaers. notes: personality-defining series. i LIVE for this fic. every update adds five years to my lifespan. if you're not reading this you are MISSING OUT.

a light, a song, a bluebird by @millllenniawrites. notes: made me SOB 10/10 would recommend if you like emotional trauma.

invisible string by @campingwiththecharmings. notes: pining!!! loneliness!!! i adore!!!

hard landings by @softlyspector. notes: no. no you don't understand. this fic doesn't just own my soul it is my soul. i want it tattooed on my face.

misc.

hopper x reader by @luveline. notes: you don't understand this might be the cutest shit i've ever read and jade is a fellow welsh person which automatically makes them brilliant in my book.

muña by @in-my-feels-probably. notes: alicent means fucking everything to me and this had me sobbing.

mistletoe magic by @writingsbychlo. notes: literally the cutest fucking thing ever, had me kicking my legs and squealing!!

[without-armor-or-not-at-all]

ttpd songs as fictional characters

Fortnight: Adam and Juliette (Shatter Me)

The Tortured Poets Department: Remus Lupin (Harry Potter, All the Young Dudes)

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys: The Darkling (Grishaverse)

Down Bad: Kenji and Nazeera (Shatter Me)

So Long, London: Marauders after the war (All The Young Dudes)

But Daddy I Love Him: Sophie and Keefe (KOTLC)

Fresh Out The Slammer: Nina and Matthias (SoC)

Florida!!!: Katniss Everdeen (Hunger Games)

Guilty as Sin?: insert your fav "she fell first, he fell harder" here

Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?: Juilette Ferrars (Shatter Me)

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can): Inej and Kaz (Six of Crows)

loml: Jo and Laurie (Little Women)

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart: Finnick Odair (Hunger Games)

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived: literally every woman in the grishaverse to the darkling

The Alchemy: David and Genya (Grishverse)

Clara Bow: Addie LaRue (The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue)

The Black Dog: Sirius Black (Harry Potter, All The Young Dudes)

imgonnagetyouback: James and Lily (All the Young Dudes, Harry Potter)

The Albatross: Zoya (Grishaverse)

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus: Young Donna (Mamma Mia 2)

How Did It End?: Mia and Sebastian (La La Land)

So High School: Kate and Patrick (10 Things I Hate About You)

I Hate It Here: Belly Conklin (TSITP) Luna Lovegood (Harry Potter)

thanK you aIMee: Sophie Foster (KOTLC)

I Look In People's Windows: Lily and Snape (Harry Potter, All The Young Dudes)

The Prophecy: Rachel Dare (PJO)

Cassandra: Baghra (Shadow and Bone)

Peter: Jo and Laurie (Little Women)

The Bolter: Amy March (Little Women)

Robin: Biana Vacker (KOTLC)

The Manuscript: Mary MacDonald (All the Young Dudes)

[lunarthecorvus]

YOOO A KANEJ FAN

I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE

yes soc is awesome im on like a 3rd reread rn

actually i came here because of that asks reblog thingie to ask you something like what's your fav colour or shir

BUT KANEJ!!!

okay you gotta tell me your fav scene. also did you read the books or watched the show

Heyy! First I have to apologise for being so late with this- I can be good at answering asks or just awful at answering them on time-

I have read the books and watched the show. I watched the show first then got hyperfixated on the crows and needed to consume the books so I listened to the audiobooks! I adore the audiobooks and all the voices BUT I have a complaint about the pronunciation of words being different each time I heard them- even the same voice actors would pronounce the same word differently ahsha

Show wise I have quite a few favourite scenes and one of them is the one where all the crows (minus Matthias </3) were in that cafe discussing plans. Another one is the one where Jesper says that Jes means Suli for friendship, I loved the moment where the train expolded, the irony was just funny and I loved Jesper in that scene.

The scene where we had Inej, Zoya and Nina is the same frame was perfectt. Alina telling the Darkling she can deal with it hersekf and handle the people coming after her, also her killing the Darkling was amazing because I despise that creepy man. Inej doing the cool jump and slicing the shadow demon, iconnn. Honestly I almost wrote about that whole scene, I just love it all.

Seeing Kaz, Jesper and Nikolai be in the same room (the scene where Jesper and Kaz are arrested), I also loved.

Ooo and the scene where Inej is surrounded and goes 'the question is will I waste my prayers tonight after gutting you all' that was INEJ FUCKING GHAFA, shes so powerfulll. Then her and Nina interacting (I know not for long but stilll) and Nina speaking Suli, YESS. I wish that scene was longer.

Book wise, I could go on forever and in more detail about but I don't want this to be too long, so if you want to know more about why I love these scenes, feel to send an ask and i might get to it this year hopefully ahhsdh-

Inej being injured in the ship and Nina taking care of her. Just reading Nina care for Inej and them just being best friends and just talking was so nice to read, those girls deserve the worlddd, also their friendship means so much to mee.

Jesper and Wylan when they're breaking the chain because thats when I really realised how much I loved book!wesper and them interacting was so niceee. Also we just got see more of a newer side of Wylan and Jesper, it's one of my favouritee wesper scenee.

Kaz and Inej 'I would come for you' scene, when I tell you I was shocked at this scene, two people guarded like those two. Especially admitting that he would come for her not matter what was happening to either of them, he would come for herrr.

I was going to include just one but the other scene is the scene where Kaz says is my tie straight and Inej laughs, its them being in love and just being soft for a moment AHHHH, then when she goes to her parents and when she goes 'her heart was a river and it carried her to the sea', the fact that she gets to reunte with her parents hunt slavers and work with Kaz to take them down on land sometimes as well, JUST I LOVE HER and am happy for her. Her saying she thinks he's worth saving AAAAA.

Honourary mention is when she said the 'I will have you without armour or I will not have you at all' she set boundries as she should despite the fact that she knew she had feelings for him and wasn't willing to throw her life away and basically said that he needs to be willing to work on himself, Y E S.

Matthias and Nina, the kiss scene where he spins her around, I SQUEALED when I read that. I adore them both and was so happy when they actually finally broke down all the tensity and gave innn.

Nina being on Parem, I know that its sad because of what it did to her BUT she was just so powerful and commanding in that scene I just ahhhhhh love it. Also I love how Nina just manages to flirt her way through stuff and is an incredible spy, NINAAAA, shes so impressive

Wylan, ooo this one, its when Wylan was first disguised as Kuwei and watched his dad be fine with killing him, as well as just being face to face with his abusive piece of shit father. As someone who has/had a Dad like that when I heard that I was so FREAKING PROUD of him, he was face to face and watched his father do that and managed to boast to him about knowing he'd that and fooling him, Y E S. I was so impressed and knew the strength it would take to even face him, I'm still so proud of him to this

Inej, there are so many scenes but one is the 'when the world owed you nothing, you demanded something of it anyway.' just hit the feels, she's writing her own fate after other people writing it for her and knowing that unlike Dunyasha she didn't have some special protection when she was taken, but she will hold herself up because she has survived and she is INEJ GHAFA. Another scene like this I loved was the incinerator scene because it felt so just AHHH, she finally chose that she was going to survive and finally live, it just hitss. And she released she was going to do it herself and not for work for anybody and help people like her.

There are so many more Inej scenes but this post is already too long that I don't want to make it so much longer, I wanted to include scenes for Kaz, Jesper and Matthias but I saw this post was just so long so for now I'm ending it here, if you want me to write about those scenes just send me another ask about it and I'll include them :)

[huevokinder24]

Shadow and bone rant

Was shadow and bone S2 a good one? It was enjoyable. It was watchable. That's it.

For those of us who have read the books it was a huge mess.

Let's talk first about the grisha trilogy.

They joined book 2 and 3 (and crooked kingdom for some fucking reason, but I'll get to that later) and just rushed through the plot.

While I'm not the biggest fan of the trilogy and SOC is one of my favorite books ever, I still think the crows had no business being there. They just took too much screentime, something I usually wouldn't complain about but now I am. The sword subplot alone would have been okay. The rest? What the fuck was that??

Due to this, we didn't get to see the actual story of Sab. And don't get me wrong, I wasn't expecting a word by word adaptation, but this felt.... The characters weren't themselves.

Nikolai felt incredibly plain. He was just a nice guy. But where was his wit? His charm? His "my mother was an oyster, I'm the pearl". Where was his personality?

Also, he never loved Alina, and Alina didn't love him. Why would they push this narrative?

Everyone loves the darkling because he is charismatic and a master manipulator. This season he was just a dying guy. He didn't feel threatening. He didn't feel like the villain at all.

Zoya was completely sidelined for Alina. My girl had like 3 scenes and she didn't do much. In the book we saw rare moments of vulnerability, saw her friendship with Alina and genya grow. But she was still the cold bitch everyone loves because that's what makes Zoya Zoya.

They offed David just like that, and again, replaced him with Alina in the triumvirate. And I'm so mad about this. The triumvirate was made up of the three leaders that the orders chose to lead them during the war (except for genya). There are one of each order so the darkling's favoritism wouldn't repeat, so all the orders would stand on equal ground. Again, they were leaders. Political leaders. Now we have 2 summoners and a colporalki. What about the materialki? They lost their place in Nikolai's circle.

Also, the little reunion of Alina, genya and Zoya at the end was more like "uwu besties hanging out" than, "we have the responsibility to lead the orders and rebuild the country"

Mal just left. JUST LIKE THAT. we have a season full of Malina kissing and vowing they'll spend their lives together after they destroy the fold and kill the darkling, and the dude just leaves. Not just leaves, BECOMES STURMHOND. Do the writers know what sturmhond means to Nikolai? He would NEVER let any other person, least of all Mal take over the role.

And the twins left with him. The twins would never leave Nikolai.

Also Tolya, canonically ace, giving inej heart eyes????

And Alina. Where was her internal struggle? She kept her powers and is ready to become queen? And marry Nikolai??? She never wanted the crown. She never loved Nikolai. She only wanted to disappear into the sunset with mal and open an orphanage to help children like her. She literally told Nikolai that Zoya would make a better queen, hinting at zoyalai.

The whole point of Alina's character was that she was just a girl. She was just a girl turned saint, something she didn't want, with an enormous power she never asked for. She was just a girl who wanted a normal life but had to play the hero at 17. By the end of ruin and rising, she is exhausted, weary, drained. She faked her own death so people would leave her alone, so she could retire to the middle of nowhere with Mal and live a quiet life.

Now they're making her Nikolai's betrothed, future queen of Ravka, and... Evil? After she fought so hard to not become a monster like the darkling??

And where's the religion??? A huge part of the grishaverse revolves around religion, especially in the grisha trilogy. The manipulation of information and public image, twisting the narrative so it fits your goals, the zeal of the masses based on that exact narrative that those in power created.... There was none of that. Only inej called Alina "Sankta Alina" but they never showed what becoming Sankta was like for Alina.

This was just... Ugh. It was not BAD, but I'm so disappointed, especially for the crows, so part 2?

[lilisouless]

Shadow and bone and signature colors

This is not an study, just a series of random observations born because i like the concept of signature colors.

Okay, on the Grishaverse canon there is such a thing as color coding but it has more to do with military rank and grisha order than the characters themselves which is why i dare to say that even if we relate all of them with one, the only characters that i consider have a signature color in book canon are The darkling, Kaz (both black) and Zoya (blue) and you could make a case for green for Pekka Rollins, show canon has the same with Kaz and the darkling being black, and Inej’s being teal (present in her two most prominent outfits and while it’s technically an uniform as well,the production team could have gone with another color ) but not with Zoya (see the headcanons part) nor Pekka Rollins who never wears green on the show , or at least nothing memorable

Now the next brainstorming will be overanalysis , don’t take it too seriously, this ones are headcanons and will change if there is a new season or a word from the production than goes against the argument

Alina doesn’t really have a signature color on the books in my opinion, she mostly wears uniforms , you can make a case for gold but this is mostly in universe logic, the keftas follow the color of the grisha class. If someone has an argument for this i would love to hear. But to me signature color means what the author/writers choose to represent the character and if Alina wasn’t the only sun summoner for most of the book, then the color would represent the powes,not her. Doesn’t mean there is only one color for character, they can and will repeat, many characters can have the same signature color but individually it’s “their color”

ex: book!Zoya’s signature color is blue even if the other etherealki wear it too, in fact tidemakers wear more blue than squallers, there’s lines of “no woman has looked better in blue” her eye color, her hair being so black it looks blue on certain light and the iconic blue ribbon, blue may be the color of other grisha but it’s also a color that represents Zoya

Now speaking of blue and back to Alina, i think the show is secretly pushing for Alina’s color to be blue. Secretly because the gold may fool you but remember this is about her and not the powers (remember this is mostly headcanons and out of fun, this is the opposite of what the scientific method should be because i am applying theory to observation instead of the other way around)

The blue kefta is book canon and i like to think the costume design rolled with it. All of this outfits have blue (or bluish tones, the dress is leaning more into teal) and gold. This also are important moments of her life, the first time she discovered her sun summoner powers (the scarf even flies away to symbolize the change) the first thing we see her wearing without a cape after setting herself free from the darkling’s control and taking the life changing (and book changing) desition of taking him down on her own terms, the thing she wears after killing the darkling and destroying the fold and the dress she wears when she and we find out (unless season 3 confirms she already knew) she got shadow summoner powers.

To me it could be like this: the gold is the sun summoner everyone sees for her powers, the blue is Alina Starkov herself.

Gonna make a part two for other characters but i would love to see opinions, disagreements, other headcanons,etc

Edit: something that i forgot to add that’s extremely important

Sure, the uniforms are made for more people than Alina but clearly on production the first thought was “This is what Alina will be wearing” and from her, they did the clothing for everyone else

[rietveldbrothers]

the problem w/ SAB s2

i finished the season about 30 minutes ago, so here are some thoughts

Heavy Heavy Heavy Spoilers under the Cut for all 8 episodes of Shadow and Bone season 2 as well as TGT, SOC and KOS duology. 

I’ll be honest. I think if I take my feelings on the source material out of the question, I really enjoyed the season. I know my friend and my sister who haven’t read the books really liked it. So theres that for one. I’ve said a handful of times that I dont mind if they change plot points as long as the bones stay true, and that remains true, the problem is, that they DID change the bones. for TGT:

To be honest, I was really alright with pretty much all of the changes up until the aftermath of the darkling/the folds defeat. Look. I know a lot of people want Alina to keep her powers at the end of TGT, its one of the most common complaints I see, and to be completely transparent, I too thought that when I first read the book when I was much younger than I am now. But I KNOW and I think you do too deep down, that she has to in order for the book to say what it is meaning to say. The entire lesson of the grisha trilogy is that power corrupts. Is that if you go against the laws of nature, if you push the boundaries of what is natural, of that power, that there will be consequences. And we see that to a point in the show right, we see that the darkling faces consequences for his use of merzost, and we see right at the end that Alina’s power has been corrupted presumably by her own use of merzost to bring Mal back. But this doesn’t quite work right. Because the whole point, is that Alina gave up her power knowingly, that she chose it because even though she loved her power, she loved Mal more. And she RECOGNIZED the path that pursing that power was leading her down, and she didn’t want that. So she accepted the consequences willingly, and took Mal and they led a happy peaceful life. so her a) not losing her power, b) sending mal away to be sturmhond (we’ll get there in a minute) and c) staying with Nikolai, just totally goes against what the story Bardugo was trying to tell was.

So WHY did they make these changes? I think so they could have more seasons. So that they could do KOS and include Alina (and Mal). By replacing David(rip)’s role in the triumvirate with Alina, they allow her to be present in the KOS plot. So I suspect (or maybe I just deeply hope) we will see Alina lose her power and fake her death (with Mal) within the area of the plot that should have been held by David. But again, this doesn’t really work right? Because David, being the one to work w/ Nikolai on his inventions is directly impacting the plot, and David’s death, after he and Genya are married, has a different impact both on her and on the audience. and on ZOYA, whos whole Garden scene is much less meaningful if the death she’s just endured is a fake one (presumably in this case Alina). Now I realize they’re probably goign totally off book now, but Nikolai and David’s inventions were integral to that plot, and Zoya’s garden is a big big big part of the BONES of the KOS duology. So… what now. I dont know.

Mal going off to work as Sturmhond just feels lazy in a way. They needed to keep Alina active in the plot for future seasons, and couldn’t rationalize him staying if he wasn’t with her (which is BS but I digress) and it also gives them an easy way to connect the two sides of the story by having Inej on the ship with him.

Which brings me to the THE CROWS

I went into it not expecting much from the crows storyline. I really didn’t. And until the very last moments I was starting to think that they weren’t going to do the jurda parem/ice court saga at all. But they clearly are. So. Here are my overall thoughts:

Not sure what the hells,they’re going to do since they used most of the plot points from CK in this. I mean, the whole takedown of Pekka, and the plague, and even a knock off slat fight and a knock off kanej bathroom scene. I mean really, the two best scenes in the entire GRISHAVERSE and they ruin them like that??? uhg. AND INEJ LEFT!!! Like the ice court heist requires her… and the OG jesper is a fabrikator reveal is so good, and now we have established relationship wesper? and I just dont know how any of that is gonna make any sense at all, and it just seems like they took all the best parts of SOC/CK and just… ruined them. Which, whatever, like I said, I didn’t have super high hopes, but its just they’ve now worked their way through most of the character arcs (particularly for Kaz and Inej) for the crows during that duology so like what now, ya know? I dunno.

Also pretty disappointing to see Inej without her own ship. But, I digress. I thought the whole shadow killing sword side plot was a bit contrived, and unncessary, could have spent that time building up Tamadia better, or dropping more hints about Zoyalai. Or… about a million and one other things.

I thought that by far the best part of the season was Nikolai. He was, far more than anyone else, the most true to his book character and character arc. I thought Paddy did an excellent job. He was the highlight for me 100%.

[mery-cm99]

Vixen ~ Nikolai Lantsov (Chapter 4)

Masterlist

Description: Vixen is one of the Crows. Kaz saved her a long time ago. He’s the only one who knows the truth about Vixen. He’s the only one who knows her past, her secret. That’s until a certain privateer shows up in Ketterdam looking for a living Saint. 

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x fem!OC

Warnings: Mention of trauma, blood, war and sad stuff in general. English is not my first language, so sorry in advance for any grammar or spelling errors. The sign language used in this story is made up and does not correspond with any official one. The story is based on the series, not the books.

Rating: Teens and up

Chapter 4/6

Word Count: 2,257 words.

The journey to Os Alta was even more tense than the one that had taken them to Shu Han. Vixen had managed to avoid being asked about her grisha identity, but only because she had spent most of her time away from the rest. Her demons stirred stronger than ever, as if the water she had used with her powers had shaken them. She saw her mother more often, saw how she used her powers to create a wall of water between them and the men of the Second Army. She watched as her expression of love as she looked at her turned into one of pain as her heart began to fail. She saw her father pulling her while the column of water crumbled as her mother’s lifeless body fell to the ground. And she saw the grishas dressed in their red keftas chasing after them, trying to repeat what they had done with her mother with her father and herself while they ran through the streets of Ketterdam, streets that they knew by memory. It was clear to Vixen that she and her father had only survived on that occasion because their city gave them the advantage. They had lost them in the maze of streets that made up the Barrel and had hidden in a small space between two buildings that only those who lived in the worst part of the neighborhood knew. Their hearts had pounded loudly, but they were camouflaged among the other twenty hearts that were in that refuge of people fleeing their countries of origin.

And her father, she also saw her father more often. The three-year period when she had seen him lose his head over the death of the love of his life. She remembered having to pick him up at the gambling joints and drag him out while being barely twelve years old. And then watch him slowly rot in Hellgate. 

She also remembered all the times she had gone into hiding as soon she had seen keftas in the city. The grisha frightened Vixen, but she was especially terrified of the Heartrender. Nina had been the first one she had had so close to in the five years since one of them had killed her mother. And Tolya now.

So now she had to use all her willpower to join the rest in the ship’s main hall to talk about how they would act when they reached Ravka. As soon as she entered the room, she noticed the look of Tolya and Nina, but the rest were busy talking over a map. Kaz was explaining that they were going to split. Inej, Nina and Zoya would go with the ship to The Fold to bring the sword to Alina. The rest would stay to help the prince and his men protect themselves from General Kirigan and his grisha.

Everyone went to get ready, but when Vixen was going to go back on deck, Tolya called her.

"I’m sorry about what happened to your mother, Vixen. But you can’t run away forever. At some point you’ll have to stop running from your past. You’re grisha, you have a gift the world should know", he assured her. Vixen nodded slowly and climbed the stairs.

When they reached Os Alta, those who stayed to help in the fort got off the boat and the others continued towards the Fold. Tolya went on one side, claiming that it was best to split up into two sides. Kaz, Jesper, Wylan and Vixen went on the other. 

“We’re going to need your grisha power, Vixen” Kaz told her when they were alone.

“Did you know?” asked Jesper, so Kaz gave him an obvious look.

“I found her at the docks. She was unable to control her power and I gave her a way to do it: controlling her pain,” explained the boss of the Crows. That had happened right after watching her father die. In the boat back to the city her power had gone out of control and Kaz had found her crying hard as the water swirled around her like a human-sized tornado. Both were grateful that it had been night, because it would not have been good for neither of them to call the attention. “Now let’s focus on the present. Wylan. One of your bombs,” he asked, indicating that he should throw it to where the group of grisha were dressed in colours. 

It exploded next to an inferni, which flew at the feet of the other two. 

“Where did that come from?” a voice asked. So the crows peeked over the roof where they were hiding.

“My demolition expert,” Kaz replied calmly.

“Expert?” Wylan asked quietly. Vixen was nervous because her worst nightmare had come true. She was in Ravka facing Grisha. But at the time she could not help but smile whens she heard the redheaded. She pointed at him and then made a fist, with which she hit her other hand and faked an explosion. “I mean... Yes. Expert” corrected Wylan, pretending security.

The four went down and Jesper used his grisha power over the doors to open them. Jesper and Wylan went into the trench on the right, with two people in blue keftas, who looked like the good guys, if their position served as a guide, and a girl dressed much like Tolya. It must have been the sister the man had told them so much about, Tamar. Kaz and Vixen went into the trench on the left. As soon as they hid in it, Vixen noticed the other person crouching to her right and felt the air leaving her lungs. Her memory did him no justice. His blue eyes were more vibrant than she remembered, and she could see them very well because they were fixed on her, as if he couldn’t believe they were really there. Considering that the four were the only ones they had seen on their way, Vixen assumed that the situation was not very favorable for that side, and that they did not expect reinforcements. The arrogant smile she remembered seemed distant, behind a worried expression and his blond hair was more disorganized. He had an ugly wound on the side of his head. He didn’t look his best, but that did not mean that he had lost a shred of his handsomeness or prevented Vixen from recognizing Sturmhond. Only it wasn’t Sturmhond. She knew when she saw his uniform, and a voice from the next trench confirmed it.

“What is Sturmhond doing here?” asked Jesper with his weapons ready.

“Around here he goes by Nikolai“ replied Tamar.

Vixen looked back at Sturmhond/Nikolai. It was him. The prince of Ravka who had hired them was the same pirate who had saved them from ending up in Hellgate. That’s why Tolya referred to her as <<Kaz Bekker’s shadow>> because he worked for him. Part of her told her to stay away from the prince. He was Ravka’s royal family. They had sent the grishas to kill her mother. She had to get away from him. But on the other hand, Kaz and her people were there. Their job was to save Ravka, and to do that they had to save the prince.

Her stream of thoughts was cut off when they saw the whirlwind of water generated by the grisha on the other side of the trenches. Under the watchful eye of Nikolai, who kept looking at her, Vixen fixed her attention on Kaz, took her hand to her neck and ran her fingers up her throat, towards her chin. His boss nodded. Vixen took a deep breath and before Nikolai could stop her, comprehending what she wanted to do, the girl stepped out of the safety of the trench and took two steps to get in the middle.

She put her hands together on her chest and focused all her attention on the other Tidemaker. From what she could see, she had an amplifier, but Vixen didn’t care. It didn’t affect what she wanted to do. When the other grisha looked into her eyes, Vixen separated her fingers and used her power to make the whirlwind of water spin in the other direction. She couldn’t help the smile on her lips as the other grisha lost focus in surprise. She might have grown up learning all about her power, but Vixen had learned to use her power and distract her preys to steal their wallet. 

As her concentration had diminished quite a bit, Vixen controlled the water so that it pushed the other man and threw him a couple of meters back. Jesper took advantage of that moment to leave behind the trench and shoot at the enemy. But the other tidemaker froze his shooters. Vixen looked at her in surprise. That was new. She couldn’t do that. Jesper didn’t seem too upset, because he used his buttons as projectiles. Vixen, on the other hand, was blocked. All her life she had thought her grisha condition was a curse. Her parents had fled Ravka before the testers discovered her. Her mother had died because she was grisha. She had had to learn to control it when it became impossible for her to hide it —her mother had taught her to—, but she had never seen her power as positive. And now she was back in Ravka, surrounded by grishas that used their powers without fear, like a sixth sense, something completely natural.

“Vixen!“ she heard someone screaming, just before a body crashed into her and threw her to the ground just as a lightning bolt struck the ground where she had been. When she came back to reality the first thing she noticed were the blue eyes that looked at her very closely. They were certainly brighter than she remembered, and blue like the ocean. Though at that distance she could pitpoint little golden specks, as if his royal blood had affected his irises as well. Then she noticed his body, which was on top of hers, holding her to the ground. Vixen hated feeling cornered, but on that occasion all she could think about was the warmth of the body above her and how pleasant the feeling was. She didn’t feel cornered, rather protected. And only her father had made her feel that way before.  

The sound of the electricity ended up bringing her back to reality. She squirmed to shake him off her. He was Nikolai Lantsov, the royalty of Ravka. She could not forget that again.

Nikolai had almost forgotten the enemy. Vixen’s lost and desolate gaze had made him wonder what had made her feel that way. She seemed paralyzed by the power of Kirigan’s grisha, but Nikolai wondered why, considering that she herself was a tidemaker. That’s why he had not hesitated to take her away from the path of the lightning bolt when he had noticed that she had not seen the man prepared to attack her.

“Are you okay?” he asked after getting up awkwardly because of his injured leg. Then he offered his hand to help her up. Vixen looked back at him, but this time she frown at him again, as she had the last time they had met. Nikolai wondered if it was his own appearance that caused the girl’s anger. Now she knew who he really was, but she kept looking at him the same way, as if his own person was what insulted her.

Vixen did not reply. Instead she rose without accepting his help and, without taking another look at him, separated from Nikolai and approached Kaz to stand by his side and face the enemy. Kaz looked at her and nodded. After three years, they were able to communicate without words or signs. Vixen crossed her hands over her chest again and focused her attention on the man who had tried to fry her with a lightning bolt.

The trick she was about to do was the only one her mother hadn’t taught her. The woman had always considered that the power of a grisha should be used for good, and never to harm another person. That’s why she always used water as a help or for protection. But at the time, Vixen knew she had to use it differently. She focused on the water running through the man’s body and spread her fingers. She felt how the man’s blood was losing moisture and all the water in his system accumulated in his throat. There was still not enough to drown him, but just enough to make him lose his concentration and the ability to continue using his power. 

“Wylan. The poison,” Kaz said to her left, but Vixen did not see what was happening around her because all her attention was on the man. Then a cloud of poison floated towards him and Vixen noticed how it slowed his blood even more. Her power was cut off when Tamar stood in front of the man, preventing her from maintaining eye contact with her target. But she knew it was no longer necessary when Tamar threw her ax at the grisha’s head, without him doing anything to prevent it. 

Everyone’s attention turned to the other tidemaker and Vixen saw on her face that she didn’t have many options. She tried to use her grisha power on them, but she couldn’t do it because all her fingers were missing. Vixen assumed it was Jesper’s work. It all ended with a bullet from Nikolai’s pistol.

[bestgrishaversequotes]

longer quotes under the cut!

"More money, more mayhem, more scores to settle. Was there never another dream?"

He said nothing. What had carved all the hope from his heart? She might never know.

Inej turned to go. Kaz seized her hand, keeping it on the railing. He didn't look at her. "Stay," he said, his voice rough stone. "Stay in Ketterdam. Stay with me."

She looked down at his gloved hand clutching hers. Everything in her wanted to say yes, but she would not settle for so little, not after all she'd been through. "What would be the point?"

He took a breath. "I want you to stay. I want you to... I want you."

(Six of Crows, chapter 42)

--------

"Zoya will live a very long life," the Darkling said. "Despite the demon, you may not do the same."

"Then I will love her from my grave."

(Rule of Wolves, chapter 48)

[steponmeinejghafa]

First Bench Pt.5 (TW)

Summary: With exams coming up, you withdraw from everyone, including your family, and it takes a toll on you. Zoya tries comforting you to the best of her capabilities, but after you keep pushing her away, she gets fed up and confronts you.

Word Count: 3.4k

Warnings: Breakdown, stress, crying, self-deprecating thoughts, mentions of an attempt at self harm.

First Part

Second Part

Third Part

Fourth Part

———————————————————————

Exam season. You dreaded it. Were you smart? Of course you were. Were you human? Unfortunately, yes. Naturally the stress of having to get good marks was pressurising you, and honestly, with the whole issue with Zoya, it was getting worse.

It had been two weeks since the party now. Since then, you had been cold and curt with Zoya, ignoring her unless she made one of her usual comments, or just to gloat about your marks at her.

“Hey,” Nina said softly that morning as she entered class. You had a huge headache and you were stupid enough to make the decision to ignore it and came to school. “How’re you feeling?”

“My head is killing me,” you groaned. “I feel like I have a hangover.”

“Morning, Brekker,” Zoya said, smacking your head gently with her book as usual. “Had too much to drink last night? You look awful.”

“I know I still look better than you, Nazyalensky,” you snapped. “Keep to yourself if you know what’s good for you.”

Zoya rolled her eyes, hurt pinging in her heart. Two weeks. It had been two weeks since you both had last spoken decently to each other. She kept trying to make it like before, but she couldn’t. All you did was snap at her rudely and then ignore her.

“Still crushing your heart?” Nina raised a brow. “And clearly crushing hers in the process?”

You scoffed, “She has no heart. Let it go.”

“Alright,” shrugged the girl. She handed you some headache pills and said, “Have these when you feel the headache coming in stronger, okay?”

You nodded, distracted. You were already calculating what all you were supposed to do that day after your tutoring session with Zoya. Cover the last history chapter, do a bit of math, redraw your maps for practice and so much more.

“Everyone,” the teacher called for your attention, “I hope you have been working hard on your project work, because it’s due in two days, so just a heads-up.”

“Is your mediocre work ready, Nazyalensky?” You asked, looking at her. “I need to add it to my far better work and edit it more, obviously.”

“Oh please,” Zoya scoffed. “Calling my work mediocre would make your work trash, Brekker.”

You shrugged, “My grades display otherwise.”

“Saints, something went seriously wrong between them,” Nikolai mumbled to Mal, who was sitting on the seat beside him. “I miss the playful banter.”

“Me too,” admitted the other boy. “I wish they’d just admit their feelings to each other, honestly.”

“Never gonna happen,” Alina turned around and said to them. “They’re both stubborn donkeys.”

—Time Skip—

“Y/n, come on, it’s time for dinner,” Nina said that evening as you sat at your tiny desk, studying hard. You had only just come home from your tutoring session with Zoya, tension-filled as usual.

“I’ll eat later,” you dismissed her with a wave of your hand.

She sighed. You had been doing this for days now. They all would eat together, while you slaved away at your desk without a break. At times one of them would go to the living room at two a.m to see you with a lamp on the dining table, your books strewn about there while you memorised something quietly. You hadn’t spent more than twenty minutes that week with them, and it was beginning to worry them all.

You got up and moved your things out of the room when Nina and Inej went to bed after having studied for a little while, and sat down at the dining table with a cup of coffee Mrs Romanov handed to you.

You were stressed. Far too stressed. In the night time you were holed up at your desk, in the day you were tired and irritable, your body taut with effort and exertion.

Sometimes when you couldn’t remember something, you would nearly break down into tears. You had to make sure you got top marks. Your reputation was at stake. You thought that if you didn’t, the others would think you were a failure and that your scholarship was a waste.

Zoya noticed everything. She noticed how you didn’t come to lunch in the cafeteria, how you were always taking a nap in you spare time between lessons, how your beautiful eyes now had bags under them, and how you were getting progressively more irritable in your tutoring sessions.

One day, everyone had a free period because the teachers were all called to the principal’s office for an urgent staff meeting. While everyone milled about and chatted with their friends, played small games with each other, and just had fun, you were quietly reading your textbook, politely turning down any invitations given to you to join them all.

You were covering geography, and there was a part you were quizzing yourself with. Suddenly, your mind went blank and you couldn’t remember a single thing of what you had memorised.

Impossible. You had memorised nearly the whole book!

You started mumbling the start of the answer again and again, but the rest was just not coming to you. Panic seized your whole body. The exams were in five days, you could not blank out now!

You slipped out of the classroom, hopefully unnoticed and went to the bathroom to try to compose yourself. However, you weren’t as discreet as you thought you had been, because just as you left the classroom, Zoya noticed and followed soundlessly behind.

You reached the bathroom and splashed water on your face, but the voices which were already whispering in your head were louder now.

It was such an easy chapter, you don’t deserve to get the marks you have.

So pathetic, you will never be as good as Zoya or Inej, or anyone for that matter.

So far it’s been easy. You’re too dumb to do this.

You should’ve stayed in Kerch and let Pekka gut you clean like a fish.

You’re such a failure. Always have been.

“I can’t do this,” you whispered, your hand going into your pocket as the other gripped the basin tightly, while your breathing picked up. You felt for the small pocket knife you always carried, and finally extracted it from the fabric of your jacket.

“God, I’m a failure,” you sobbed softly, your legs feeling weak. You backed up against a wall and slid to the floor, your knees up against your chest as you dissolved into a panic attack slowly and painfully.

“Brekker, what in the name of the Saints are you-“ Zoya froze upon seeing your sobbing figure, and felt her heart stop in her chest as her eyes landed on the open pocketknife in your hand as well as your rolled up sleeve.

“Hey,” she said in a far gentler tone, trying to catch your attention as your chest heaved and your pale hands quaked. “Brekker, come on, look at me.”

“Z-Zoya?” Your eyes finally focused on her. “I can’t breathe, Saints I can’t breathe…”

“I know, I know,” she grabbed your hands in hers and gently rubbed her thumbs over the backs of them hesitantly. “Try breathing with me, come on.”

You nodded, the voices a little less loud in your ears now. She guided you through your panic attack, her voice slowly overpowering the ones in your head till they were once more just whispers.

Zoya’s heart was pounding in her chest. Sure, you were having a panic attack, but you said her name. You called her by her name for the first time. Not Nazyalensky. You called her Zoya.

“Feeling better?” She asked, her hands still in yours as she knelt in front of you. You didn’t reply and she frowned in concern, “Y-Y/n?”

You snapped out of your thoughts immediately, your heart fluttering again. No, you can’t. You crushed the feeling again, just how you had been doing these last few weeks.

“Did-did you just call me Y/n?” You whispered nonetheless, shocked.

“Um,” she panicked and shook her head, “I figured I’d grace you with that gift now that you addressed me by my first name.”

“We’re on a first name basis now?” You sniffled with a raised brow. Your walls went up around your heart again. You would not fall for her. You refused to.

“Seems like it?” She smiled, hoping things were back to normal.

“You wish, Nazyalensky,” you spat, standing up. “Leave me alone, thanks. And don’t breathe a word about this to anyone.”

She scowled, “You’re such an ungrateful asshole, Brekker. I helped you with that panic attack, and you have the gall to talk to me like I’ve violated you or something!”

“I didn’t need your help!” You exclaimed, fear gripping your heart in a chokehold.

I can’t let this happen. No, no, no.

“Really?” She scoffed. “You didn’t need my help? You were about to fucking cut yourself, and you’re telling me you didn’t need help?”

“Not from you,” you seethed.

“Fuck you, Brekker,” she scowled and opened the door to the bathroom.

“Get out of my face, Nazyalensky,” you replied.

That hurt. That one hurt her so badly, Zoya wanted to cry. She genuinely wanted to make sure you were okay, but all you did was push her away. All you did was act nasty towards her, and it was pissing her off.

“Watch me, Brekker,” she mumbled to herself. “I will find out what the hell is going on in that dumbass head of yours.”

She called Nina to her desk as she reached class and said softly, “Nina, could you please make sure Brekker’s okay? She’s been acting up lately.”

Nina sighed, “She’s not an easy person when she gets stressed. She’s been acting up with us as well. I think it’s the exams.”

“Maybe. Just…just take care of her, okay? I’m worried,” Zoya admitted. Seeing Nina’s knowing gaze she hastily added, “Because I need my opponent to be healthy for competition, obviously.”

“Whatever, Zoya,” laughed the girl as she walked away.

—Time Skip—

You sat silently with Zoya that evening in the library. It was completely deserted today, everyone went home early to study, clearly.

“Brekker,” she said, hitting you over the head with her pencil as you nearly dozed off again. “Focus.”

“I am focusing, Nazyalensky,” you snapped. “Saints, maybe if you didn’t drone on like a boring priest, I’m sure I could focus properly.”

“Well maybe if you stopped stressing out so much, maybe you might find my boring, priestlike droning useful,” she replied, her brow raised.

Honestly, you were really so trying sometimes. Her patience was wearing thin.

“Saints, why did Reznik have to shove us together?” You grumbled under your breath, but she heard it in the silence of the library.

She’d had enough now.

“Alright, that’s it,” she threw down her pencil onto her book and glared at you. “It has been two weeks since the…incident, and all you have been towards me is vile, hateful, and angry. What the hell is going on with you? I have tried to be nice, hell I tried to help you through your panic attack, but what the fuck did I do to earn this much hate?”

You shook your head and stood up with a stack of reference books in hand to put them back. “Don’t read into it, Nazyalensky.”

She stood up and followed you, saying, “You have been distant from me, from your friends, everyone! Why?”

You continued putting books in their places, moving around to find the empty spot where the right ones were. “None of your business,” you said curtly.

She breathed in deeply, tamping her frustration down. “Brekker, as much as I hate to say it, I’m worried about you. That panic attack in the bathroom today was no little thing.”

You felt your hand clench into a fist and tried not to cry. “Please don’t mention my episodes of anxiety. Besides, it wasn’t that bad. I could’ve managed.”

Zoya resisted the urge to slap you silly. “Wasn’t that bad? Brekker, I walked in to see you almost put a knife to your arm. That, in case you didn’t know, is called self-harm. People get professional help for that sort of thing,” she put a hand on your wrist, making you unclench your fist. Her voice was soft, concerned as she continued, “Please, Brekker, talk to someone, if not me. I get why you won’t talk to me. But for Saint’s sake, get some help.”

You hated it when people talked to you that way. With that false concern in their voices. Saying ‘talk to someone’. You were fine. At least, you thought you were. Wasn’t stress normal?

“No,” you said forcefully, shaking her hand off your wrist. “Keep your false concern to yourself, Nazyalensky.”

Saints, you craved her skin on yours again, but you couldn’t. You shouldn’t.

Zoya caught your arm and pulled you to face her, risking a punch to the face. You looked angry. Genuinely angry at her. But she didn’t care.

“Who hurt you?” She asked, her dark eyes gleaming with something you didn’t know. “Who the hell hurt you so badly, that you decided to hurt yourself? That you ended up hurting others around you? Those who love you? Nina, Inej, Kaz, the whole lot of them are worried sick, Brekker! I have been worried sick!”

Your angry expression melted away, and your blazing eyes filled with tears which you tried to keep at bay. Your breath rattled in your chest as you turned away from her, saying softly, “It doesn’t matter.”

Exasperated, Zoya exploded at you, “It does matter, Y/n! You matter! People care about you so much, and—“ she tried making sure her voice didn’t crack with desperation, but failed. “I care about you!”

“Y-you-you called me ‘Y/n’ again,” you whispered, tears sill brimming in your eyes, threatening to spill. The same shock which held your heart in a fist in the bathroom earlier came back.

Your name sounded beautiful coming from her lips…

“Saints damn it all,” Zoya whispered under her breath. She looked back at you and hesitantly took the books from your hand and placed them on a pile nearby.

She held your hands in hers slightly, just curling her palms around your fingers, as she said, “I care about you so much, Y/n. I-I love you, and-and seeing you so hurt makes my heart ache terribly for some reason. I-I just want you to be okay. Since the day you walked into that damned classroom, I have been madly in love with you, and I don’t know what to do because you clearly hate me.”

Your voice was barely a whisper as you looked down, heart racing as the tears welled up more in your eyes, blurring your vision. “I don’t hate you…”

“Then why have you been acting like it?” She sounded hurt, and it made your heart break.

Down came the walls, crumbling to rubble as you let the tears fall. You shook your head, saying, “I got scared, Zoya. I got so fucking scared. I was scared you were going to use me to get ahead, I was scared that if we even did happen, I’d lose you too quickly,” the tears weren’t stopping, and your hands grew shaky as the emotions overwhelmed you. “I was scared that-that I love you so much, I would scale a mountain, cross an ocean, and kill a thousand men just to hold your hand and kiss your lips.”

She dropped your hands and held your face in her hands, wiping your tears away with her thumbs.

Saints, those dark, dark eyes…you loved her eyes so much. Her touch was so gentle, you wanted more.

“I would never use you, Y/n,” she said, pulling you closer to her, holding your head in her palms so carefully that you felt it was a dream. “I would cut my hands off before before I’d even think of using you to get ahead. Honestly, you matter more than just some number on a sheet. And I mean that both in my context and in yours. You always matter more.”

She was so close, just a little further and you could kiss her.

“I’m sorry,” you said. “I’m so, so sorry, Zoya, for pushing you away. I was foolish to think that by withdrawing from you, my feelings would go away. It only made them stronger.”

Zoya felt a nervous knot in her stomach as she spoke the next words. “Y/n Brekker, top scorer of the Little Palace High School, may I have the privilege of being yours?”

Your heart leapt and raced so fast in your chest, yo we’re positive it was echoing in the library like a drumbeat. “Zoya Nazyalensky, second best scorer of the Little Palace High School, yes you may.”

“Really?” She smiled, her face glowing with happiness.

Your gaze skirted down to her lips and back to her eyes. “Saints, you have the most gorgeous eyes,” you admitted with a blush.

She laughed softly, a sound which filled you up with warmth so much that you wanted to just put it in a jar and keep it with you forever. “Do I, now?”

Your shy side came through, as you nodded, blushing redder. “Yeah.”

“Honestly, for someone so intimidating, you are so cute,” she chuckled.

“Saints, Zoya,” you said, flustered.

Zoya loved how you said her name. She loved how you said it so gently, as if it were a porcelain doll which could break at even the slightest bit of force.

She moved back and picked up the pile of books on the floor, putting them away as your brain processed what all just transpired.

Your feet moved without you controlling them, and Zoya turned around to see you standing behind her. “Saints, Brekker,” she chuckled. “You move like a cat. Soundless and-mph!” Her statement was muffled as you caught her by the waist and pressed your lips to hers, desire having taken over you.

Your mind went back to two weeks ago, in Nikolai’s library, where the kisses had been heated, lustful, and slightly sloppy. This time her lips were soft on yours, like a feather’s touch on your skin. Her hands cupped your face and she kissed back with a gentle force, smiling a little against your lips.

Your heart raced and your mind went blank again, and your thoughts only echoed one word.

Zoya, Zoya, Zoya.

When she pulled away panic seized you as you blushed and apologised profusely.

“I am so sorry, I should’ve asked first, I really don’t know what I’m doi-“ she caught you by the face again and pulled you in, kissing you softly to shut you up. Slowly, she backed you up against the bookshelf, your arms around her waist again, pulling her impossibly closer. Her body was flush against yours, and the only sound was that of the steady ticking of the library clock.

She pulled away, and your chests heaved with the desire for air.

“You’re not bad at kissing, I admit,” you giggled, your cheeks red.

Zoya’s cheeks were daintily dusted with pink, and she moved back to go towards the table.

“Come on now,” she said with a small smile, “Back to work.”

—Time Skip—

You came back home beaming, looking so happy that Kaz and the others paused eating to stare at you.

“You look stupidly happy,” said your brother. “Who’s got you grinning like an idiot?”

Jesper nudged him, “Zoya, obviously,”

You blushed and giggled at the sound of her name, making Nina slam her palms on the table, grinning madly, “You kissed her, didn’t you?!”

You giggled again and went to the kitchen, grabbing a plate for yourself, “Maybe….” You replied in a dreamy tone.

They all gasped collectively, and Nina and Jesper both squealed in excitement. “YOU KISSED HER!!”

You sat next to Inej, still blushing profusely as the thought of her lips on yours returned to you. “I’m sorry if I pushed you guys away…”

“No matter about that,” said Matthias, “We all know your academics matter a lot to you.”

“Exactly! You do this every time you get stressed, it’s not new,” said Wylan.

“I’m proud of you, Y/n,” said Kaz with a small smile.

“We need the gory details,” giggled Inej, resting her head atop yours.

You grinned and nodded, “Anything for my sisters.”

In the room, Inej and Nina sat on your bed while you narrated the entire incident in detail, squealing constantly till Mrs Romanov scolded you all to go to sleep.

—Time Skip—

The next day dawned appropriately bright, and you entered class with a spring in your step which everyone noticed.

“Y/n Brekker is back, everyone!” Announced Nikolai with an impish grin. “Good to see you smiling again, love.”

They were all around his desk, Alina sitting in Mal’s lap while the rest sat atop other desks in a loose circle.

“Never call me that again, Niko,” you grinned, ruffling his hair as you pulled up a chair to sit in, after putting your bag on your desk. “But yes, I’m back.”

You were laughing at something when you felt someone kiss the top of your head and whisper, “Good morning, darling,” in your ear.

Everyone went silent as Zoya sat in your lap, making herself comfortable.

“What?” She asked, brow raised at everyone.

“You and her…” Genya grinned. “Did you guys-“

“Yeah,” you nodded with a smile, wrapping your arms protectively around her waist.

“I NEED A BOOK ON THIS,” Nikolai loudly said, making everyone laugh as they congratulated you.

“It’s about time,” Alina chuckled. “We were getting tired of the constant banter.”

You chuckled and rested your head against Zoya’s back, smiling softly as she leaned into your touch

She was competition, yes.

But you loved her for it.

———————————————————————

Correction: this wasn’t the end. SiKe <3

Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it <3 special shout-out to @hungergames-who for being my biggest supporter in this <3 Please feel free to ask for imagines <3

[amnenome]

My fav fics

masterlist, a bunch of random shit. you can probably psychoanalyze me based on this.

Bridgerton

All’s Well That Ends Well (To End Up With You) - aRegularJo. Kathony, modern AU, modern royalty.

most eligible - first glances (amalin). Kathony, The Bachelor AU.

Primogeniture - 55anon (Anon). Series. Kathony, canon-compliant. Canon-expansive(?). Character studies, parentification.

hunt you, unmake you - SarahRoseSerena. Kathony vs. colonialism.

Stranger Things

Off to the Races - CrisSasegov. Ronance, f1 AU, enemies to lovers.

Which Way Up? - wornoutplaces. Ronance, canon divergence, Nancy is trapped in the upside down.

Grishaverse

In Another Life - anon56. Zoyalai, canon divergence. AU - their parent actually cares about them.

burned but not buried this time - lazy_universes. Zoya & Alina bond over Darkling trauma.

Killing Me to Love You - venus_in_retrograde. Inej/Kaz Hanahaki AU.

Like Calls to Like (A Grishaverse AU Textfic) - the_loosest_moose. Anything by them is great.

Wheel of Time

The Path of Fire and Foxes - LarraineLynch. Siuaraine, time travel AU.

kept impulse dormant - QuickYoke. Siuan/Moiraine, canon-compliant, childhood friends.

Moiraine is Jane - EvadneGrand. Moiraine Damodred and Jane Bennet switch places.

Percy Jackson

Roman Holiday - BobInTheComments. Bamf Reyna x Celtic mythology. Adventure.

Every Breath You Take, I’ll Be Watching You (strictly in my position as your babysitter, Morgan, now go wash the grease off your hands) - randomest_username. Bamf Annabeth x the MCU. Annabeth is Morgan Stark's babysitter.

Road to the White House - plalligator. Samirah al-Abbas runs for president of the United States.

Felix Culpa - advictorem. Theyna, Thalia is switched AU, camp swap, trans!Thalia.

Hope Is A Delicate Thing - BandKid247, oh__peachy. PJO reading the books fic, almost through the whole series.

Reading Blood of Olympus - anenomenome. Reading the books fic.

Game of Thrones

darkly, darkly, dawn glittered in the sky - cheshire_carroll. Bamf Sansa Stark x Harry Potter marauder's era.

The Gilded Wolf - Mikasaessucasaa. Jonsa. Canon divergence - Sansa was raised by the Lannisters. Politics.

Harry Potter

shadow magnolia - pansexual_intellectual. Ginny/Fleur. Ginny goes to Beauxbatons and deals with her trauma.

A Crinkle of Fate - AFaith1192. Remadora, Tonks time travel fix-it.

The Weight of the After - Paperyink. Ginny-centric, Dumbledore's army. Hogwarts book 7 x Nuremberg trial.

MCU

it’s such a shame for us to part (take me back to the start) - whitetiger1249. Sersi-centric time-travel fix-it.

Natasha, Daughter of Ivan - AzureLightningEmeraldCloud. Natasha/Carol, Natasha lives AU.

Higher Further Faster - CapturetheFinnick. Carol/Maria backstory in the Air Force.

P.S. 35, Hell's Kitchen - martial-quill (quilling_me_softly), quilling_me_softly. Matt Murdock, Jessica Jones, Foggy Nelson, and Patricia Walker grow up together.

runaways are running the night - anothercover. Clintasha, Rock Star AU. Natasha, Nakia, Okoye, Jessica Jones, and Valkyrie are in a band, Clint is John Mulaney.

all it takes is a little water - independentalto. YoYoMack, summer camp AU, soulmates AU.

show me why you're strong - fr0ntier. Buckynat in Wakanda.

Look into my eyes, it's where my demons hide - MomoYoMaki. Bucky defects and raises the Widows in a cottage in Canada.

Somewhere Normal - lilyinblue. Bobbi Morse goes home and tells her family she's a secret agent.

the world turns upside down - Clintasha, Star Wars AU. Clint and Natasha join the resistance.

I'll build a house inside of you - magdaliny. Bucky defects and raises little kid Natasha.

How to Transform Your Life Through Reality TV - igrockspock. Natasha competes on a cooking show.

The Girl in the Photograph - ashen_key. Natasha's long-lost cousin writes a book.

aliens and assassins - anenomenome. Natasha doesn't die, and ends up in Star Wars instead.

Supergirl

Back to the Basket - performativezippers. Sanvers basketball AU.

Last Car - Roadie. Sanvers public transportation AU.

yearning to breathe free - softsawyer, TheseTornadoesAreForYou. Sanvers, celebrity AU, fake dating, enemies to friends to lovers

Other

Run at the Cup - TheHomelyBadger. Arcane. Caitvi, hockey AU, enemies to lovers.

Impulse Decisions - Mirradin. The Old Guard. AU - canon divergence. The group is captured by Merrick. Five years later, Dizzy Ali takes a job.

now that i found you: a queer eye x brooklyn 99 crossover - chipsghost. B99. Jake Peralta gets queer-eyed.

show a little loving, shine a little light on me - ev0lution. Star Wars Rogue One. Cassian/Jyn, The Good Place AU.

Bittersweet - inkedstarlight. ACOTAR, Nessian. College AU.

American Pie - micster. We Are Lady Parts - amina/saira. Canon-extension(?). Lots of music references

A Favor - shaziskhalid. ACOTAR, Nessian. Modern AU, Nesta character study.

The Shephards - MiniM236. ADOW. Miriam-centric, Phoebe + Miriam + legacy.

[arillusionist]

shadow and bone s2e1 reaction - i said i would watch this episode on sunday but i lied. haha

they should've put 6 crows in the sky are they dumb

kaz gave them papers?? when?? he probably did it offscreen i swear i didnt forget the last episode that quickly

ok oh my god by the way. they better have fixed malina in this season too because i'm halfway through siege and storm and i literally want to kill mal hes so fucking annoying and literally SO toxic. i miss the soc relationships they were all so well written

fuck this after i finish the s&b triology im rereading soc

ooh nice map

YAYY WE'RE IN KETTERDAM i hope they have more episodes here this season. aka more than 2

i have a feeling this is where they meet wylan... or nina maybe

"are you saying we have no home" ?? what about the slat

KAZ'S BACKSTORY??

thats how you pronounce inej's last name?? my whole life is a lie wtf

"she does that" aw he sounds so proud

stop this is like that one scene from soc except if he faints inej's voice wont be there to ground him when he wakes up ☹️

omg thats nikolai/sturmhond right

PLEASE KAZ'S SIDE EYE WHEN HE LOOKS AT JESPER

take your damn shoes off

ok they better tell him where shes going because while theyre on the verge of going to prison shes just making out with her boyfriend

i love alina but am i supposed to feel bad for her?? bc i dont

yayy he told him but good thing inej isnt here

Kaz side eye 2.0

theyre revealing the jesper grisha thing already...? interesting

omg novyi zem looks exactly like how i imagined it "these fugitives are wanted for crimes against our country" this isnt your country dawg

i can already tell theyre toyla and tamar

is this ketterdam again is that inej

so they kill heleen ofscreen. and inej has literally no reaction to it.

I am so confused rn didnt kaz buy inej's indenture??

WAIT NO I GET IT STOP IM SO DUMB

"im not leaving you. not now" ☹️☹️☹️☹️

HEARTRENDER NINA PLEASEEEEE 🙏🙏🙏

tf is he waffling about

talking about pekka btw

if theyre doing the whole pekka plot now what did they leave for the spinoff?? ik its probably not happening but they thought it was gonna happen and they wrote the scripts but what even are in those scripts

then again i think they only wrote the scripts for the first book

but what were they planning on putting in it for the second book if they got it 💀

WYLANNNNNN!!!!!

so he already had wylan employed (??) or whatever interesting

NINAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

"funny guns and angry hat" speaking of hats can kaz please stop wearing one it looks so fucking ugly

aww nina talking to inej in suli

MATTHIAS!!!

all the crows in one episode this is crazy

and they've been onscreen for 9 whole minutes?? even crazier

i spoke too soon 💀💀

is this a cult

GENYA!!!!!

i need to stop doing that everytime a character i like shows up

but seriously i just need zoya now and i'll be so happy

is he a fucking cannibal

IS GENYA A CANNIBAL TOO

WESPER MEETING!!!! i wasnt excepting it this episode but yay

ALL THE CROWS IN ONE PLACEE except matthias but ik thats not happening this season

"in truth hes the love of my life" kaz im sure you know so much about that

"he does this" "does he" lmfaooo

omg its the iconic scene i've seen in way too many edits

Inej in the middle i knew she was the main main character 😍😍

ughhhh i thought the episode would end with the crows but ofc not

ok now it ended

[awkwardwithapause264]

Thoughts about Shadow and Bone season 2 episode 8 as I was watching.(Somewhat out of Order)

(Kirigan trying to convince Alina to join him) Sir it’s the final hour and you’re barely hanging to life. Just stop it.

(Mal not wanting to come back) Whether it’s because he’s finally with his parents or he knows if he returns he’ll never have you to himself either way let him go.

(Alina using merzost to bring him back, but he ends up leaving her anyway) So it was all for nothing. You broke your word to the woman who sacrificed herself for you and condemned yourself to an eternity for possible madness.

(Nikolai making Mal a figurehead) That sucks even though he sucks and Nikolai fills out that jacket a lot better.

(Tolya offering Inej his bare hand which he didn’t have to do and she take it while they exchange looks) So this is gonna be a thing.

(Genya looking for David) He could have just been injured and displaced when the shadow monsters took him like Nina was.

(Genya finding the ruby and ring design) Aw David was covertly asking her what would her dream engagement ring look like.

(Nikolai and Alina) Love them, but I’m concerned the darkling is somewhere inside of him. After all he did say this doesn’t end until I have Ravka and Alina is at my side. By possessing Nikolai he kills two birds with one stone. Like it was his back up plan because he knew he was dying and that Alina would never take him back.

(Alina telling Zoya and Genya no more keftas) Look at that Alina and Genya grew and learned as people.

(Alina using the shadow cut to kill that heartrender) I don’t think that was a product merzost, but more so of Kirigan’s shadow summoning having to have somewhere to go and being she was the closest to him when he died the power simply transferred over. Now I think the fact she looked somewhat pleased with herself after she did it has something to do with merzost.

Might add more.

(Jesper takes off his hat when he sees the stained glasses of the sun saint) Was that stained glass meant to be Alina with her Stag amplifier? If so who had time with the war to make that? Who would want to given what a large population of Ravka thinks she did?

(Darkling says to Alina that without him people will come for her) Sir with you they came for her. What are you talking about?

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Shadow and Bone 2x05 Review

Ok going to be honest this might be the episode where they lost me. The first 4 episode I thought were pretty solid and I enjoyed them but this one I don’t know why but I just didn’t enjoy it as much. It felt rushed but also felt like it dragged which I know is a bit of a oxymoron but there we go. I also feel like not a lot really happened. But anyway best to get into it, there will spoilers any book spoilers will be between two *. 

The Crows 

The crows whole mission this episode was getting the sword in shu han. However there was also alot of tension between them all, last episode Kaz kicked Inej out of the crew so there is the fallout from that. He also doesn’t tell her about the new job, I did think it was funny though when Nina says that Kaz would rather push Inej away than admit he feels anything for her and then questions whether she was supposed to say that out loud. Then Jesper puts his foot in his mouth with Wylan when its revealed he can’t read and this is clearly something he feels ashamed off, Jesper spends most of the episode trying to mend that yet somehow keeps making it worse. I did like the scene where Wylan calls Jesper out for trying to tell him how to feel about his shame whilst he himself is hiding that he is grisha. 

I did like the conversation between Nina and Zoya. It’s clear Zoya believes that Nina has abandoned her country and has dome resentment towards her for that. What is interesting is the line about Fjerdans burning grisha and how ‘you can’t unlearn that kind of hatred.’ I do think you could apply this to ravka and otkazat’sya views of grisha, at the moment Nikolai and Alina have this whole lets unite otkazat’sya and grisha and that once the fold is gone there’ll be no reason to hate the grisha but they have forgotten that unlearning the hatred otkazat’sya have for grisha is not going to be easy. I don’t really agree with Zoya’s statement that hate can’t be unlearnt, I think it can, as nina and matthais showed, but I think it is incredibly difficult especially if you’re talking about a mass group of people. It’s going to be easy to turn one persons opinion but very difficult to turn an entire nations. But this scene did make me feel really bad for Nina especially when she is talking about her and matthias choosing each other and choosing to be free together but then Zoya pointing out that now Matthias is in hellgate and nina has abandoned her country and asking if it was worth it, seeing that tear come down Nina’s face was really sad.  

We also learn where Kaz gets his touch aversion from and it makes perfect sense, I too would never want to be touched again my life if I had gone through that trauma. That scene in the teashop when Kaz starts to have the panic attack and Nina unknowingly touches his hand was really intense, but I do love that Inej saves him and gets him out of the situation and says that she couldn’t leave him. I mean Kaz and Inej are having some really great scenes this season. 

Darklina 

I feel like both Alina and Aleks become more unhinged in this episode. Alina in particular is starting to spiral a bit. She can’t find mal, she is seeing the aftermath of Aleks’ attack and poor Adrik does lose his arm, she is reunited with Genya and Baghra and has learnt what Aleks has done to them and all of this is clearly having a deep effect on Alina who is starting to act erratic. Meanwhile Aleks finds out that Baghra and Genya have escaped and that all the experiments were destroyed so that hasn’t put him in the best of moods. But what’s interesting is again like when he had an angry outburst after finding out the journal was missing, when he feels his anger rising here he once again reaches through their connection so he can see Alina, I really do think that he is using her as a sort of anchor to reign in these feelings of anger, she is what calms him and helps him regain control.

Then we have the mind palace scene between them where Alina is looking to sever the link between them. This scene was really intriguing to me because its kind of like the tables have turned and here we have Alina manipulating Aleks, I mean it was clear the she was manipulating him and honestly I think he did know that and you can see his wariness, her change of mind came too quickly for it to be real and he knows that. But I think at the same time she is saying all the things he has ever wanted to hear from her. Also I do think whilst she is trying to manipulate him what she is saying is true, its all the things she has denied up until now and I do think most of what she says is how she really feels. Like when she tells him he was the first person to see who she really was, what she was truly capable of. She was telling the truth here and she confirms as much later when she is talking with Baghra and says that he was the first one to show her that she wasn’t just a weak stick from Keramzin, that he showed her she was meant for more and honestly that scene she has with Baghra was heartbreaking because it really did highlight all the insecurities she had about herself before meeting Aleks and how he made her feel special and like she could be something but also how him then betraying her had such a deep effect on her and how she is struggling with that. 

Another thing she says that I think is true and something she has been in denial about is how mal doesn’t understand the power that is growing within her, this is shown in their argument right after this scene where he admits that she’s just been barrelling towards her goal of saving ravka and hunting the amplifiers and he’s just been trying to keep up. 

Alina does change tactics during the scene when she says its not all about power, she turns from talking about how a like they are to full on seduction mode. It once again reminded me of just how much chemistry these guys have, like you could feel the want between them. We also got Aleks saying the ‘wanting makes us weak’ line. The way when she stroked his cheek he leant into her touch and closed his eyes. I think a part of him was still wary that this was a manipulation but also he couldn’t help but react to her touch. 

So as I said I do think that Alina was being truthful in this scene, but its interesting because its essentially a tactic she learnt from Aleks, its the same thing he did to her in season 1, manipulate not with lies but with the truth. Alina hides her true intentions behind that truth she is telling him. 

*One scene I did hate though was when Aleks says the line ‘the whole world will hear it when I make her scream.’ The reason I hate it is because its nearly identical to a line from the second book that the Darkling says to Mal. Only hear they have completely changed the meaning and tone of it. In the books it is very much an innuendo and it happens right after Mal reacts with jealously to seeing the darkling saving Alina from tripping. LB even confirmed that it was an innuendo in an interview she did. But here they’ve twisted it into something violent and hateful. Which as a darklina and a book reader who found humour in that scene, as you were supposed to, I am really disappointed the added the line but in this way. I would have preferred they had left it out.* 

Genya and David

 Oh poor Genya she really had an emotional episode. I hated that she felt the need to hide from david. But I did like the scene where she confronted the Queen and told her how she was able to poison the King. I also liked how Nikolai took his mother to task and held her accountable for the part she played in what happened to Genya. As Nikolai said Genya was under the Queen’s protection and the Queen turned a blind eye and even thought it was acceptable because he was her king and genya was just a servant. But the Queen was supposed to mother to all ravkans and yet she failed in that task. 

 I loved the speech david gave to genya though about how her beauty is her armour and how it was fragile and for show but what was inside her was steel. Which is unbreakable and doesn’t need fixing. Just the whole speech was beautiful. And then Genya saying that she was able to find them because she sort out familiar heartbeats was the cherry on top. Honestly the whole scene I am not ashamed to admit brought tears to my eyes.   

So this was one of my shorter reviews but honestly I feel like this episode was just pairs of characters having conversations and not a whole lot really happened. So on to the next episode. 

Favourite Lines 

‘...because no one is this bloody band of broken dolls can confab worth a damn.’ 

‘Your beauty is your armour. It’s fragile stuff, all show, really. But what’s inside you, that’s steel. It’s brave and unbreakable and it doesn’t need fixing.’ 

[mcheang]

Shadow and Bone S2 E8 recap

Spoiler alert

Nikolai’s team and the Crows enter the Fold…they do know there are volcra there, right? Oh wait, they are going to Nikolai’s base. Well they can hide inside. But the nichevo’ya cannot be held back with doors. You know when it attacked Nikolai, I wonder if it left something of it inside his wound, like the stag with Kirigan. normally Nichevo’ya just rip apart or crush their victims. This one just held pinned Nikolai in place rather than a quick kill. Anyway, Alina kills Mal, she destroys the Fold on her own. Honestly surprised since her 2 amplifiers light dome was not that impressive. But this is. Kirigan talks to Alina but as she defies becoming like him after she is alone in the world, her act provokes nichvo’ya. As Kirigan tries to order them to stop, the monster knocks him back. Inej saves Alina, who realises Kirigan cannot control his monsters. Kirigan confesses the only time he thought he had control and peace was when Alina first kissed him. Aw. He really did love her. As he remembers his peace, Alina kills him with the blade. He warns her that without a darkling to hate, the people will come after Alina instead (even Kaz thinks so), and to not give them a body behind to bury. No grave to desecrate. His death made me cry in R&R, and it made me cry here too. I had to pause the video so I could watch with clear eyes. Despite all the pain he caused, I’m sorry for Aleksander, for all he has suffered. I still blame Anastas for starting this whole mess. Alina uses merzost to resurrect Mal since Nina is having trouble. Tolya finally finds a fellow poetry lover with Kaz Inej Neyar’s blade to Alina to return to the Shu saint. Alina also plans to make alliances with Shu Han while doing so. It sounds like Mal is breaking up with Alina. He feels his life had been pointing him to Alina to sacrifice himself for her, and wonders if his love is influenced by that. Now he is alive, he doesn’t have special tracking powers anymore and is not sure what his life’s purpose is. later they both agree to take a break from each other. Mal will become a privateer. What happened to farming? Matthias is letting his hate against Nina win and wants to be put in fights, but Kaz has paid the guards to keep him out of it until now. Yeah, going to a criminal who killed his friend is a bad idea. Matthias finds this out when he is set against wolves. Fortunately they do not fight him when he stands down. But when the guards starts to whip them, Matthias kills him and the other guards arrive to beat him. Nina’s pardon for him is not accepted because Pekka now has influence in Hellgate. Genya believes David is dead (without a body, I’m not convinced he is dead) and that he would have proposed to her with a ring set with her favourite gem stone: ruby. Alina says Zoya and Genya have the most right to burn the Darkling’s body. I was kind of annoyed at Alina for not saying his name before he died or anything really. But she says it now to him in farewell as she burns his body. Ah a bee lights on Zoya’s sleeve. Elizaveta, is that you? I think her stained glass window is in the chapel where Kaz gives Inej a lead to track her brother. He also sort of confesses his feelings but Inej wants a physical relationship with him too. She joins Mal (now Sturmhond) on the privateer ship to stop slavers Crow club is back in business. The Apparat survived?! Really?! Anyway, his warnings to Nikolai do not warm the latter to him. Nikolai realises that the nichevo’ya did infect him. (I suspected as much). Alina looks fab in her crown but the dress is…not my style.

Queen Alina at last. The offense i felt from RoW is now appeased.

Jurda Parem is introduced dramatically at Nikolai’s coronation where a heart render starts to kill everyone until Alina kills her with a SHADOW blade!

Well, that showdown was over quickly so that most of the episode focuses on the aftermath. Hm…whose idea is it to introduce parem when there is currently a saint with 2 amplifiers and just destroyed the Fold? For the Fjerdans to attack Alina like that and introduce her to a substance that can make her more powerful, that was pretty stupid thinking on their part to take a risk like that. Not that happy with the ending, but I’m glad Alina still has her powers and is queen now; the darkness in her and Nikolai, and the bee, gives me hope that Aleksander will be resurrected. I guess it makes sense. He knew he was dying and planned to make a resurrection by having a piece of himself in Nikolai. It is better than Ruin and Rising’s ending. And if he returns, Alina may have a more ruthless personality to join his side.

[theheart-isanarrow]

2022 fic roundup

that time again y'all!

total 2022 word count: 320,452

total 2022 hits: 67,290

other 2022 AO3 stats:

kudos: 4,925

comment threads: 485

bookmarks: 1,358

subscriptions: 291

total 2021 word count: 173,747

total 2021 hits: 46,958

other 2021 AO3 stats:

kudos: 4,189

comment threads: 250

bookmarks: 834

subscriptions: 66

links and titles to 2022 works:

[grishaverse] i could never define all that you are to me (2,712 words) - Kaz braids Inej’s hair

[grishaverse] in the tongue and teeth of old (1,297 words) - Nikolai in the cradle of her thighs

[grishaverse] the horizon tries but it’s just not as kind on the eyes (5,790 words) - Inej and Kaz discovering what they want

[grishaverse] a dwindling mercurial high (6,111 words) - zoya and nikolai in “illicit affairs”

[10 things i hate about you] i can see he’s not in your good books (if he were i would burn my library) (3,042 words) - Kat finds out that Patrick likes Shakespeare

[bridgerton] Scabulous (Adj.) (9,752 words) - five times Anthony discovers one of Kate's scars, and one time she discovers one of his

[avatar: the last airbender] as if you were on fire from within/the moon lives in the lining of your skin (62,007 words) - Zuko and Katara as debate team rivals with benefits

[some kind of wonderful (1987)] (but i’m not just being blue) ‘cause i have fallen, shape and color too (9,341 words) - all the times that Keith draws her

[grishaverse] always pushing you away from me (but you come back with gravity) (2,382 words) - Kaz and Inej in the third floor

[law & order: special victims unit] thinking, oh god, i’m in over my head (4,813 words) - amanda and sonny, in the middle

[avatar: the last airbender] (though i’ve handled the wood) i still worship the flame (4,448 words) - Zuko and Katara, learning something new

[law & order: special victims unit] prohibition in curls (9,808 words) - Amanda and Sonny, and their three bad things

[law & order: special victims unit] diplomat in politics of lonely (12,764 words) - amanda and sonny and the town fair

[grishaverse] this love left a permanent mark (this love is glowing in the dark) (7,489 words) - Kaz and Inej, in Ravka

[never have i ever] and all at once (you’re all i want) (4,366 words) - the one where the Hot Pocket and the UN eat lunch together

[marvel cinematic universe] the only one who’s got enough of me to break my heart (17,186 words) - Kamala and Kamran pretend to date to make Bruno jealous

[never have i ever] October 22, 2001 (3,130 words) - Nalini and Mohan’s first date

[never have i ever] June 18, 2018 (2,230 words) - Rebecca and Cameron’s first date

[never have i ever] October 27, 2020 (2,681 words) - Ben and Aneesa’s first date

[never have i ever] November 19, 2020 (2,219 words) - Paxton and Devi’s first date

[marvel cinematic universe] Basorexia (n.) (7,012 words) - Kamala kisses someone at a party and has no idea who it was

[never have i ever] December 31, 2020-January 1, 2021 (3,548 words) - Kamala and Manish’s first date

[stranger things] makes me feel like i’m losing my mind (14,657 words) - Chrissy and Eddie smoke together

[stranger things] she’s so sweet with her get back stare (23,945 words) - Eddie and Chrissy go to the county fair together

[stranger things] cover me with kisses (baby) cover me with love (7,120 words) - Eddie and Chrissy go thrifting for Chrissy’s birthday

[stranger things] might need a break from all the real life (49,396 words) - Eddie and Chrissy write a joint bucket list

[derry girls] i could never understand you hating music to hold hands to (3,816 words) - what happens after the tomato juice incident

[stranger things] little freak (you sit high atop the kitchen counter) (13,252 words) - chrissy and eddie run a bake sale

[stranger things] and romanticized the time i saw flowers in your hair (7,612 words) - five times chrissy does something to eddie’s hair, and one time he does something to hers

[stranger things] saw a wide smirk on your face (you knew the entire time) (15,560 words) - eddie and chrissy and soulmates

favourite fic: oh god, i don't even fucking know, hmm... i think i've partial to "she's so sweet with her get back stare" but i'm also a big fan in the writing style in "in the tongue and teeth of old"

hardest fic: hmm..."the horizon tries but it's just not as kind on the eyes" was difficult to navigate, but "Scabulous" was also hard mostly because of the setting

do you plan to take prompts in 2023: yes! my inbox is always open for any prompts or requests, though i can't promise to be able to fulfill every one

what was the best thing about 2022: personal wise? finding my biological family. fandom wise? busting out stranger things content without ever having seen the show, because that's a trove of comedic potential

any last thoughts for 2022: nothing really specific or eloquent comes to mind, but it wasn't a great year, nor was it a terrible one. i'm excited for 2023!

goals for 2023: i want to finish "might need a break from all the real life" and also in my general life i want to go to college