tamedmadness

[tamedmadness]

[tamedmadness]

“Maybe well meet again, when we are slightly older and our minds less hectic, and I’ll be right for you and you’ll be right for me. But right now, I am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart.”

— Unknown

[tamedmadness]

Day 13/366:

One of my wants for 2024 is to read more. I have book shelves of all the books I want to read but are just sitting there collecting dust. 

I am stuck in this hamster wheel where I keep spinning and spinning and spinning in circles. Some of it is my fault…. ok maybe it is all my fault since I am the creator of my own life and destiny but since I now have to the face the consequences of my prior inactions I am stuck.

I notice everyday that I am simply just trying to do the easy boring things just to get me through the day because I don’t know what my purpose is anymore.

Decompressing is something everyone needs but I had my fill of garbage tv and continuous scrolling through social media that doesn’t make me feel better. I am not big on drugs and while sometimes I wish I could just do it so I can relax, I need to get back into reading to escape my reality.

Reading somehow not only provides an escape, but gets the wheels turning in your brain. Somehow outlook on life is different and you feel more at ease.

I want to set a specific goal for reading but I know that when I don’t hit the goal I feel like a failure and complete internalize my grief creating a toll on my mental health, so instead I am going to say my goal for this year is to start reading the books on shelves.

[tamedmadness]

Day 12/366:

I loathe going back into the office. My job is forcing everyone to go back in although we are all more than capable of doing it home since we have been doing it for the last 4 years, it’s interesting to create a new routine. One that I haven’t quite gotten the hang of yet.

While I am spending more on groceries and gas I am trying to find the silver lining. Haven’t quite found that yet but to help combat with ordering out all the time I am meal prepping aka “leftovers”.

I am still getting into the groove and trying to find food that is best for work lunches but also having enough so I don’t starve since I no longer have access to my pantry or even the cafeteria.

Until I can find a permanent work from home job or become unemployed I will have to try and enjoy these lunch box preps. Here’s to hoping I can make healthier food decisions.

[tamedmadness]

Day 11/366:

One of the biggest things I deal with is anxiety and depression. I haven’t yet taken the plunge and gotten a therapist and I will once I get my physical health a little more together. Although there are many downsides to the company I work for, one of the perks are the benefits and I’m fortunate enough to get a new benefit.

Last night I decided to give Headspace a try and see what it’s all about. I struggle with sleeping and was able to play their Session 1 of “Finding Your Best Sleep”. It was only 8 minutes long and I was almost passed out, but that probably was the muscle relaxer. Either way I want to be more at peace and mindful.

I’m curious at what all it entails, but if I am able to relax like I did last night then this is a miracle app and recommend it to everyone!

Learning to give myself grace in that I am a beginner and I am going to fail but that I need to keep on going because I want to be a better version for myself. I owe it to myself because for so many years I have struggled and honestly have no clue what life would be like with such a calm mind but I’m ready to embrace the turmoil to get to my utopia.

[tamedmadness]

Day 10/366:

Someone decided it was a smart idea to let their viscous pitbull be in the front yard of their home just so they could attack my puppy.

I woken up by my boyfriend screaming about something and had no idea what horror lied ahead. This pitbull had held onto my puppy for 10 minutes! She was running away from him and this grown mature pitbull went after her.

I wish I could put the owners and the dog down because this is unacceptable. He punctured her muscle and skin and it went all the way down to the bone. I am relieved that the vet was able to do emergency surgery on her. It breaks my heart because we haven’t had her for even a month and she’s had an incident but I am so proud of my pound puppy for being so strong and able to withstand a pitbull attack. It took three grown men to get this pitbull off of her and the only reason why Nala was able to escape was because the dog decided to let go.

She has a long road ahead but my Nala girl will be able to chase and run around.

[tamedmadness]

Day 9/366:

I’ve been having nightmares more than usual. Sometimes they are so vivid that it wakes me up and I still feel like I am in immediate danger.

When I was sick with the flu that turned into a cold, it was so hard to go to sleep. My body was so tired but my mind was racing so much cause I really believed that if I fell asleep there was a chance I wasn’t going to wake up. I was so scared that I was going to die.

Then I keep having an ex friend pop up in my dreams and I’m always angry at her to the point I get physically violent. I’m sure it’s because I haven’t let go of the hurt she caused and how she is much further in her life than me and I’m sure there’s jealousy cause how could someone who is a hypocrite and hateful be doing well?

Lastly I keep having nightmares of my bf cheating on me which is an insecurity of mine already.

I am so fed up with these nightmares. I wish I could just let the pain and hurt go but someone I am still holding onto it. I wish I could learn to move on without getting the apology I deserve or being able to vocalize my hurt.

[tamedmadness]

Day 8/366:

Inner Thought Rambling

Going back into the office is such a dread. I feel as if I am constantly working with no breaks even on my days off I am still thinking about work and how awful it is. Working for a place that told me how I felt and that I wasn’t sexually harassed by a coworker, my manager telling me that per my contract I have to be in the office and mental health does not have an accommodation as I have daily panic attacks, and my flare ups becoming more and more frequent and painful.

How do people go on? Am I the only one that’s burnt out? How do people find joy? I feel so drained that nothing excites me and everything is exhausting, no matter how small it is.

[tamedmadness]

Day 7/366:

Puppy’s 1st Bath!

Going through all these first with her and while most of them are fun these moments are not! 🤣 I think the puppy fever is gone cause she’s a little terror monster

[tamedmadness]

Day 6/366:

Being in a relationship is difficult. Different schedules, difficult lives, different goals, and different perspectives, but getting to spend these little moments together is what makes it worth it.

[tamedmadness]

Day 5/366:

I am a hoarder of all things that make me look I have an organized life: planners, notebooks, highlighters, pens, post it notes, index cards, magnetic to do lists, etc.

I have been carrying this one around me with for a while and honestly should called it my ADHD journal. For so many years I’ve honestly lost count now, I have had so many things stuck in my head; from recipes to dreams to To-Do lists to Christmas gifts to quotes to travel plans to furniture dimensions to self help book responses. I really have no idea what I would do without a notepad and I really believe everyone should have one.

Here’s to continuing to day dream and may the pen always be mightier than the sword.

[tamedmadness]

Day 4/366:

She will always be the #1 girl and it’s hard not being able to give Nala walks yet as she needs her last Parvo shot before she goes and explores the world. Until then I will enjoy the mellow walks with my senior dog.

[tamedmadness]

Day 3/366:

I am more of a cat person I will admit, but this cute fluff ball came home with me on Christmas Eve and has been a whirlwind ever since.

For the first time in a really long time, I have woken up with a smile on my face. I deal with chronic pain everyday but since she has been in my life, my flare ups have decreased. She is so goofy and funny and I’m excited to see what pupper she will be when she’s full grown. Until then currently loves being in the rain and playing in puddles, snuggling up next to her sister, and taking our dirty laundry outside to be torn up.

[tamedmadness]

Day 2/366:

One of my biggest cons is I’m a procrastinator. I’m always dreaming and planning, but I don’t execute. I’m not entirely sure if it’s cause I’m constantly overwhelmed, but I have a garage full of half projects. So here’s to completely more projects, working from start to finish.

[tamedmadness]

Day 1/366:

Life is fueled by the ups and downs, back and forths, and the coming and goings.

My attempt to take things day by day and maybe my daily ramblings will give me insight into myself. To learn from the past for the future to be brighter.

[tamedmadness]

A seductive catastrophe.

[tamedmadness]

Stop beating yourself up. You’re a work in progress, which means you get there a little bit at a time not all at once.