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Fuck this shit

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It's so hard being borderline bc even the slightest comment can infuriate you and make you think someone is being passive aggressive/targeting you.

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My fucking neck hurts!!!!

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Life is currently ok.

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My ADHD/RSD refuses to let me believe anyone likes or cares about me unless they go out of their way to tell me they do without prompting, which never happens. It keeps me from learning from past mistakes. I forget the hurtful things I say during arguments/fights (convenient right?). I can't think fast enough to keep myself from saying these hurtful things. I have a tendency to become addicted to just about anything.

My bipolar makes me happy and sad and then happy then sad then nothing. That doesn't sound so bad when you put it like this though. So how about, ecstatic then miserably depressed. I love myself and everything I have in life one day. The next day I hate everything, especially myself. Maybe even in the same day. I wish death upon myself, but I'm too afraid of dying, or maybe I recognize how much it would hurt others if I were to off myself, so I wish for something to happen to me. At least then it wouldn't be my fault, but i would finally be done with this dumpster fire I call my life. I stopped caring about getting a speeding ticket even though I definitely can't afford one. With this and ADHD combined I tend to stop eating more than a bowl of cereal and a nutragrain within a day. The classic, "nothing I usually enjoy seems enjoyable" is very real. I don't want to sit around, but I couldnt think of a single thing I'd rather be doing.

My BPD feeds into my RSD big time. I'm definitely not a good person. I can't treat the one person that is absolutely 💯 the most important to me right. I am probably subconsciously sabotaging my relationship. I want to have friends, but I'm too afraid they will hate me, so why try? I get angry at the drop if a pin. I have no idea who I am, what I want, and where I want to go in life. I dissociate emotionally to the point where I know I should be sad and/ or sorry for whatever it is that happened, but I don't feel it. If I feel even slightly criticized or rejected I will flip my shit. When I'm done I'll secluded myself, cry until it hurts (more), hate myself, hurt myself, cut myself, bruise myself, or I might just stop functioning all together.

The symptoms of all three of these things overlap, but they also make things exponentially worse. I don't choose to be mean or hurtful. I don't choose to say shifty things. I know this sounds crazy. I know it sounds like an excuse to do bad things, but it isn't. It's just reality. Im not a good person, but it isn't by choice. I am broken. I keep trying to fix myself. I keep trying to get help. I lose focus. I lose confidence. I feel like no one I go to fully gets it and I never have enough time to say everything I need to say. I have pills that seem to work then they don't, or maybe they do?

After all this the only thing I can do is blame someone else. I blame my brother (abusive asshole), my mom's ex-boyfriend (alcoholic), and my mom (neglected to see the severity of my situation and the implications it would have on me later in life). After all this the only thing I can do is blame myself. I should have been better.

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I don't like this

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Plus my back is trying to fuck with me too.

I missed my meds yesterday and now I hate life and I have nothing to distract me from how stupid everything is

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I missed my meds yesterday and now I hate life and I have nothing to distract me from how stupid everything is

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HEUXIFNEOSHRHDBRJD

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Omg, so I got a different job. It is much easier on me. Everything else is still the same.

Life update: I have a job that I really enjoy, and yet I never want to go to work. I still don't like my pos brother. My mom has no idea what I've gone through in life even though I tried to bring it up with her. Covid prevents me from seeing family. This displeases my mom. Overall life is good even though it sucks.

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One more day and then it's the next day, and then after that it's another day.

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Apparently too much Lamictal makes you fatigued and depressed. That explains a lot...

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I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE! I WOULD RIP THE BANDAID OFF IF I WANTED TO. I've made one too many mistakes. I'm not making another. Well, right here. In writing for multiple people to witness. I'm sorry that I have hurt you. Today and in the past. I'm not giving up. I know I can do better, and I know I can help you through all if this. You did for me for years. It is my turn to repay the debt.

Yep, he hates dealing with me. 😭 It's fine.

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Life update: I have a job that I really enjoy, and yet I never want to go to work. I still don't like my pos brother. My mom has no idea what I've gone through in life even though I tried to bring it up with her. Covid prevents me from seeing family. This displeases my mom. Overall life is good even though it sucks.

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I had lots of fun at work today. It was super lame, but it was something to do that was different.

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I'm not sure if I went through more than I remember as a kid or not. I feel like I'm making trauma where it isn't. There are times in my life where something bad could have happened, but I have no memory of anything bad happening. Like nothing close to bad.... I just don't remember enough of my early childhood years except for some bits and pieces of some good times. I just figure it's because I have ADHD and a bad memory. Like the bowling alley arcade, but nothing to do with bowling even though I have been bowling since I was three. I don't remember much about me actually bowling until I was ten. I remember other things from that time. Church (bleh), lots of school memories, and even memories from going to my mom's work at a hotel. Bowling is kind of blank and it's starting to weird me out. I really feel like I've just fabricated any entire event that never happened in my head just because I'm surrounded by mental illness shut and I decided I wanted to make mine worse. I have no way of figuring out if any of what I conjured up is even real, but one thing after another makes it feel real... I'll just ask myself, "what about this? Oh well this could be why it was like that." Ugh.... I have enough to worry about to be dealing with something that probably isn't a thing at all and now I'm posting about it for attention and don't tell me that this is how most people react to this stuff. By saying it's fake coz I know that already. Maybe that's why it feels more real than it is because I think I'm lying to myself about it and then I think maybe it is real because I think I'm lying about it. It's a giant cycle and I can't break it. Ugh... I'm not happy with this rn. Not at all........

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I have a sinking feeling that I'm headed toward a burnout...

I really can't afford that rn so maybe I can just suppress it...

There are just certain things I can't deal with in therapy.