the-chaoticarsonist

[the-chaoticarsonist]

I'm the part of you, you always try to avoid

The one you keep wrapped up in chains

I'm the piece that wants to watch it all

burn, for revenge or to finally feel at peace

The one that never really cared either way, and needs more blood to flow

I'm the closet that holds all the memories and pain, the doors of which you nailed shut

But not quite well enough, did you now?

As it spills from the crack formed at the bottom

-TheChaoticArsonist

[the-chaoticarsonist]

Excruciating expectations, oh so high

How could I ever be all they wanted me to be?

Plate's full of everything you throw at me

Now I'm all hollowed out

Wondering what could've been

I'm an empty shell of what I should've been

Fill me up with memories and tapes keep playing on repeat

All I wanted was to be enough for you

But you keep on sucking me dry through and through 

I'm just an accessory to you

-The Chaotic Arsonist

[the-chaoticarsonist]

They don't see me crawling all over the floor

Desperation pulling at my skin

The tears that fall at the end of tolerating

I wish they could see how i fall apart

Maybe they'll finally believe me?

[the-chaoticarsonist]

I'm willing to forgive

I'm willing to forgive but I can't let myself forget

The night you missed when you refused to talk to me all week

The words I still believe are true

It's on me and she deserved all of it

You said I'm doing so much better now

Well recently I've mastered the art of never showing you all of my heart

These days I still lose all self contol

And after anger comes the fear I'll be kicked out again

I will punish myself before it happens so they won't have to

You left me in the dark, the way you chewed me up and spit me out

And all the things you said about me

The people you set up against me

I still wear your old wedding ring and can't make myself get rid of it

An only child but never felt like it

I can't lift the curse of three

And I'm tired of being responsible but always had to be

I'm not brave enough to tell you to your face

Too afraid of how these words would make you feel

A risk I've never been willing to take

So please don't ask about this and let me keep it all inside

And I have to protect me now so I can't let myself forget

I only hope you'll understand

-The Chaotic Arsonist

[the-chaoticarsonist]

I remember the texture of your hair, so rough as I ran my hands through it

The first time we kissed only the first touch of greys were showing

They grew more abundant by the time you finally got what you wanted

The second time finding my way back, after I swore to never let you touch me again

You had lost more of your color

-The Chaotic Arsonist

[the-chaoticarsonist]

The burning summer sun became an aching reminder

Of everything fucked but I didn’t realize yet

We fell apart, not unlike we did before

A cycle set in stone

Built up from broken people, I was never whole to begin with

-The Chaotic arsonist

[the-chaoticarsonist]

Fantasies of gore flash through my mind

Nothing was ever peaceful and pretty, this time just the same

The laws of nature don’t change for you or me

You doesn’t owe me, I won’t make demands

Not for kindness, warmth or understanding

Won’t ask to walk painlessly, barefoot over sharp gravel surrounding me

The ground painted bloody

I fall on my knees before you pleading

Take me with you and don’t let me down softly

-The Chaotic Arsonist

[the-chaoticarsonist]

To you I am still a broken child

Turn her inside out, scouring for answers that never agree with you

Disaster waiting to happen, clearly visible from the outside window

But never seen at a distance

Devour me whole, since you were starved from the start

I was made to replace a part of you that could never grow

Carve your fear into my bones, become the base of all my being

Keeping me warm and sheltered inside your open wound

That I never meant to rip open

Guilt shattered you as I showed every part of my ribcage and how it broke

Yet it seemed so easy for you to breathe while I was choking on your second hand smoke

Somehow justified by what never came to light

-The Chaotic Arsonist

[the-chaoticarsonist]

Its too late for suicide

Insides decaying as if I went through with it that fall

If only I’d stayed fifteen, but I can’t let these years go to waste now

It’s too soon for suicide

My limbs heavy, composed of raw scar tissue

All my efforts, will it have been for nothing?

-The Chaotic Arsonist

[the-chaoticarsonist]

There's a fire under my river and you're handing me buckets of water to put it out

Trust misplaced again, should’ve learnt by now

Honesty is my honest mistake, I should’ve known better 

All knowing doctor, you’re right, I should know my place

Lessons shown over and over, keep begging for a better outcome

Doctor would you please help me, I’ll keep the worst to myself this time

Didn’t mean to confuse you, I could always redesign to fit into your manual

As the sea supposed to help, swallows me whole

-The Chaotic Arsonist

[the-chaoticarsonist]

[the-chaoticarsonist]

[the-chaoticarsonist]

Crave Pt.2

[the-chaoticarsonist]

this blog may contain sensitive content (its me im sensitive)

[the-chaoticarsonist]

[the-chaoticarsonist]

[the-chaoticarsonist]