theo-jay-writes

[theo-jay-writes]

That's why I'm alone again this year and why I'll be alone again next year...and the next and the next. No one to call my own. All alone, with no one to lean on.

- Taiga Aisaka

[theo-jay-writes]

Tara

Eyes closed surrender to me. Eyes closed ears covered, surrender to me. Eyes closed ears covered body weightless, surrender to me. Eyes closed ears covered body weightless sex exposed, surrender to me. To carnality, fantasy & submission.

My soft tones coil into your ears & you act when I tell you. How I tell you. Everything in you relaxes as you engage your sex. Eyes closed ears covered body weightless. Pleasure & escape colour you with broad, expressive strokes. Your torso’s purple as night. Nape blanc cassé. Delicate tungsten patterns your thighs. Engage your sex. Move from adagio to allegro from legato to staccato from forte to pianissimo.

Release. Denial. Humility.

Reflected off your open eyes I see appal & self-loathing. On your body I see the price of orgasm. Within you I feel the cheap high of masturbation.

I want to be absent from this scene. I am absent from this scene.

  Theo-Jay original

[theo-jay-writes]

My soul's other half...how long will you keep me waiting?

- Theo-Jay

[theo-jay-writes]

Starlight, moonlight

All alone thinking of you

When a man loves a woman, Lord, what can he do.

Radio Romance, Garrison Keillor

[theo-jay-writes]

There is no meaning in hedonism. Where is the meaning in tonight? What am I?

- theo-jay

[theo-jay-writes]

I'm back! My laptop screen irreparable broke over Christmas so I had to wait for it to get fixed but when that fell through I had to fix it myself. Which I did. It was awesome, but also really time consuming and scary but I'm writing again. Here's a little something I whipped up for my creative writing module.

A Visual Profile

In a library full of silent people she only stood out because she was sat opposite me. Person Y. Even the way she drank her coffee was mousy. Reusable cup; either she cares about the environment or is on the go a lot. The black, gorilla plastic cup eclipsed her face. The smell of her coffee is louder than her, larger than her, then again how loud & noticeable can you be in the silent section of a library.

Person Y looks like the type of person to roll their eyes at anyone who brings noisy food to the silent section then doubles down on her own work.

She has cold steely blue eyes, a slightly curled blonde mess of hair with glaring roots & no smile. A left hand propping up her face adorned with silver rings & a tattoo peaks out from under the sleeve of her yellow jumper. That vibe of unoriginal nonconformity too.

Again Person Y drinks her larger-than-her coffee; how funny…a drink having a larger presence than a person.

Away go the glasses into a black canvas bag & on goes her black jacket. It makes her yellow jumper less bright & more background…& that feels more appropriate. Is she leaving? No, no bag probably going for a smoke.

Person Y’s back & leaning intently into her laptop, her nostrils flare with a sniffle. Closer up you can see all the flaws on her face.

The bags under her eyes that are magnified by her glasses, the peach fuzz above her cracked lips & the red pinpricks of acne on her face. But there is beauty there too. Earlier, when she came back from wherever she went, before she put her glasses back on but after she’d sat down, Person Y looked out the window.

What could’ve captured the attention of her cold eyes is beyond me but her profile, it was a simple & beautiful profile- enough to get me to look up from my laptop. Small pointed nose, strong eyes with clarity & focus, ears wearing earrings & a silhouette that briefly made me stop & look.

Person Y’s now pulling her back into a pony tail, the middle finger of her right hand has the tattoo of a scorpion. The ink around it seems to have bleed out onto her slender finger, Google says it’s called Ink Blowout. That’s a shame, a ruined beauty.

theo-jay original

[theo-jay-writes]

"If Syre died in the sunset then Theo drowned in the current."

The cool thing about reading old stuff is that it shows you how your mind has evolved. For so long I believed those feelings, that situation to be unchanging & fact; it's sad but so understable.

Me just rambling on Keep

A reason for being where you are. It’s actually scary how long I’ve gone through life being pulled by the current and now I have the power to control my life’s direction I’ve ground to a halt. Watching the current take others to destinations I couldn’t even imagine but I just bob in the water not knowing what to do with myself…if Syre died in the sunset then Theo drowned in the current. Unnoticed by anyone he sunk deeper and deeper into the black water, at the bottom it held him in a cold crushing embrace. Acceptance…is not something I need to practice right now.

A moment of lightness and peace, being fully present in that moment and choosing to be in that moment. I feel like that’s the answer to your question, why people choose happiness over wealth.

“So why then?!” Evelyn’s teary face and hurt voice tightened the vice around Theo’s heart “Because inspite of everything I still believed, like an idiot, that things would be different this time. That we were beginning to get back on the same wavelength but again that voice of contempt in my head was right. Again I felt disgusted and angry at myself for thinking it would be different. I can’t keep being in this toxic and abusive relationship with myself & I can’t stay with you when you don’t understand how damaging it is to me.” Inches apart in Evelyn’s car with a deep silence between them, outside life continued around them. People hurried up and down the busy city street, the sky was overcast but the moon’s lugubrious stare penetrated through the clouds. Evelyn spoke, “If this is how you’ve felt we should’ve broken up earlier”

The door wasn’t even closed before they resumed their carnal dance, Aubrey entangled with the other actor in their carnal dance. They moved to the bed, their bodies silhouetted by the hall light slipping through the cracked door, clothes came off and their dance intensified. Cognitive function returned Aubrey intertwined with…Milena! The memory had slipped through the fog of alcohol and escaped Aubrey’s lips. “Milena” she smiled and continued straddling him. Aubrey wanted to cry but didn’t, life was too long to deal with the consequences of impulsive actions, he let the alcohol subdue him again and became absent in that scene of carnality.

Apologies for all the mistakes I literally just wrote this and am now posting, I really should check the SPAG but yolo and I’m lazy 😝

[theo-jay-writes]

Adam’s Story

A friend told me a story to help me get over my writer’s block, which actually helped, but I had to add my own tragic, introspective twist to the story, which I haven’t finished writing but it’s all in my head. I swear! 

“Progressing to the quarter finals of the Deutsche Bank Cup after winning the Sutherland debate tournament are the Liverpool team! Congratulations to their speakers Rose & Matthew!” The entire auditorium broke into applause as the stage lights broke away from the host & focused on the winning pair. “We won! We actually won!” Rose was just loud enough for Matthew to hear over the thunderous applause, she threw her arms around him. Matthew was like a sponge sucking in every detail: the air crackling with applause, the hot stage lights peering down at him, the glints of jealousy in his competitor’s eyes, the smell of Rose, the warmth spreading through him from her, the pride he felt in himself for winning- Matthew closed his eyes & focused on the hug. An expression of elation & comradery that linked the two, into his ear Rose whispered “Thanks, Speaker Two.” Rose pulled away & flashed him a wink before turning back to the audience. Matthew could do nothing but beam an ear to ear smile.

Matthew was back in his hostel room, the tournament over with the debating society were preparing for a celebratory night out, ironing a shirt on a rickety ironing board his mind kept drifting back to the events of the day. The cut-throat final debate, shaking hands with the judges on stage, tasting the sour envy of his competitors, the cosiness of Rose’s hug & feeling that germ of pride grow from hearing his teammate’s praise. ‘Thanks, Speaker Two’ the phrase slipped into his mind & Matthew was thrown back into that moment- watching Rose’s chocolate ringlets glimmer as she leaned in, inhaling her sweet floral smell & feeling her breath gently coil into his ear as she whispered that phrase to him. Thanks, Speaker Two. “She’s nice” Matthew’s naïve inner voice brought him back to the present; to his bare hostel room & his ironing. “She smells nice too, like flowers” Matthew said to himself. “And she’s been friendly, really really” His naïve inner voice added. Matthew looked back on the moments he & Rose had spent together throughout the tournament, they were small & infrequent but each was etched into his mind- like tiny pinpricks of starlight against an oppressive night sky. He indulged himself in there light & let his imagination run wild. “Maybe she likes me?” the question escaped his lips & bounced around the bare room. ‘Maybe she like me?!’ the silence screamed back at him, Matthew stopped ironing. “…We have spent time together because of the competition.” “We’re like the best pair!” “We went for coffee once while at the Manchester tournament.” “We text about strategies & sometimes about our day.” “After the Loughborough tournament, she asked me out to the movies, everybody else went too but we got to sit together.” “She winked at me today.” Like a rainstorm tapping at a window every thought tapped at Matthew, made him want to believe in the fantasy. ‘Thanks, Speaker Two’ she does like me.“Progressing to the quarter finals of the Deutsche Bank Cup after winning the Sutherland debate tournament are the Liverpool team! Congratulations to their speakers Rose & Matthew!” The entire auditorium broke into applause as the stage lights broke away from the host & focused on the winning pair. “We won! We actually won!” Rose was just loud enough for Matthew to hear over the thunderous applause, she threw her arms around him. Matthew was like a sponge sucking in every detail: the air crackling with applause, the hot stage lights peering down at him, the glints of jealousy in his competitor’s eyes, the smell of Rose, the warmth spreading through him from her, the pride he felt in himself for winning- Matthew closed his eyes & focused on the hug. An expression of elation & comradery that linked the two, into his ear Rose whispered “Thanks, Speaker Two.” Rose pulled away & flashed him a wink before turning back to the audience. Matthew could do nothing but beam an ear to ear smile.Matthew was back in his hostel room, the tournament over with the debating society were preparing for a celebratory night out, ironing a shirt on a rickety ironing board his mind kept drifting back to the events of the day. The cut-throat final debate, shaking hands with the judges on stage, tasting the sour envy of his competitors, the cosiness of Rose’s hug & feeling that germ of pride grow from hearing his teammate’s praise. ‘Thanks, Speaker Two’ the phrase slipped into his mind & Matthew was thrown back into that moment- watching Rose’s chocolate ringlets glimmer as she leaned in, inhaling her sweet floral smell & feeling her breath gently coil into his ear as she whispered that phrase to him. Thanks, Speaker Two. “She’s nice” Matthew’s naïve inner voice brought him back to the present; to his bare hostel room & his ironing. “She smells nice too, like flowers” Matthew said to himself. “And she’s been friendly, really really” His naïve inner voice added. Matthew looked back on the moments he & Rose had spent together throughout the tournament, they were small & infrequent but each was etched into his mind- like tiny pinpricks of starlight against an oppressive night sky. He indulged himself in there light & let his imagination run wild. “Maybe she likes me?” the question escaped his lips & bounced around the bare room. ‘Maybe she like me?!’ the silence screamed back at him, Matthew stopped ironing. “…We have spent time together because of the competition.” “We’re like the best pair!” “We went for coffee once while at the Manchester tournament.” “We text about strategies & sometimes about our day.” “After the Loughborough tournament, she asked me out to the movies, everybody else went too but we got to sit together.” “She winked at me today.” Like a rainstorm tapping at a window every thought tapped at Matthew, made him want to believe in the fantasy. ‘Thanks, Speaker Two’ she does like me.

theo-jay original

[theo-jay-writes]

Joan

Joan’s phone resting on a counter vibrates & lights-up from an incoming message, the screen quickly flashes the date & time- 18:47 Saturday, she doesn’t see or hear this. The bathroom is hidden in a thick cloud of steam that leaves fine droplets of water on every surface. In the far corner of the bathroom is a box of glass & marble.

Pulsating with a wild, focused energy- an atmosphere so large it cannot be contain in a shower, a room, so it transforms the bathroom into an endless plain of fog.

In that box she is taking a shower. In that box Joan is in another space.

Warm water & melodies fall from the marble roof. Eyes closed Joan dances in that rain: impulsive, free & engrossed in the moment.

Outside her box of glass & marble her housemate bangs on the door.

“Turn down the music! Water is seeping under the door again Joan!” their voice cannot penetrate the atmosphere of the bathroom, they cannot reach the box of glass & marble, they cannot enter Joan’s space.

The melody intensifies, the water turns scalding & she keeps dancing. In that chamber of lashing, burning water & body-filling bass an idea crystalizes in her mind.

Joan opens her eyes & stares up past the marble roof.

“Alexa?” the ever-present AI beeped in response “Stop playing music”

And like that Joan returned from another space; she lowered the temperature of the water, conditioned her hair & stepped out the shower. The steam had vanished. A blinking light caught her eye, she picked up her phone & read her messages, there were two. The first was a complaint from her housemate about the noise & water in the hallway the second was from a friend she was meeting tonight, the message was single word- Behave.

- theo-jay original

[theo-jay-writes]

At moments like those he'd feel the urge to cry but he never did. Life was too long for the consequences of impulsive actions.

- theo-jay

“All he wanted to do was to reach out and feel the warmth of his hand in his own… but he couldn’t.”

- Konner

[theo-jay-writes]

It started with three sentences but turned into like five hundred words 😅

A Conversation

“I was just so scared, scared because I didn’t know what the future had in store” My hand rams the spliff in my mouth & I take a deep breath; even my subconscious is trying to get me to stop, to stop talking about me, about the stuff inside. Two, three, four deep pulls on the spliff & I hand it back to Joan; what is she thinking?

Is she thinking about what I’ve just said? Is she thinking about her reply to what I’ve just said? I am not the main character of the universe! She doesn’t have to be thinking about me- but it would be weird if she heard what I said & had nothing to say to-

“One night I came back from the club with this girl I did not like at all, this was in second year I think after a swimming social, anyways things got saucy but I really didn’t want to sleep with her & I don’t know how but I ended up in her bathroom, alone, staring at my reflection. I don’t remember why I was there or what I was thinking but I remember this.” Jonah raises her left arm & turns the hand into a tight fist “I remember curling my fingers into a fist & punching the mirror. I remember the way it exploded into shards, slivers & dust. I remember punching that mirrorless spot on the wall over & over again, the pain flaring up my arm & the bright blood running over my hand. I remember the way that girl’s housemates had to pull me away from that smeared, bloody wall.”

She takes a final breathe & pulls the spliff down to the stub. There’s no moonlight so you can see the glowing stub glinting in Joan’s dark eyes, they remind me of wet rock. She flicks the glowing stub into the darkness & finishes her story.

“The last thing I remember is feeling ashamed but relieved. Ashamed that I couldn’t tell someone ‘No, I don’t want to sleep with you’, ashamed that whatever I was feeling that night I could only express through self-destructive violence but relieved that I didn’t have to sleep with her, & then I woke up in A&E”. 

Squelch, squelch, squelch the sound of our shoes in the mud, we walked backed to the bus stop in silence; it seems by talking about that night Joan had brought up thoughts & emotions she thought she’d already dealt with, I had a lot on my mind too. Before we started our walk back she said to me ‘You’re willing to talk to him, to communicate your feelings & try get to a better situation…that’s more than what I could ever do, I don’t know what advice I can give you’ well I don’t know what to say.

Where would I even start? At the very beginning? Or where the problems began? The breakup? Or when I had my eureka moment?

Or maybe I need to stop looking back. Is he even thinking about me, us, as much as I am? Another unanswerable question.

My knee loses all tension & gives out making me fall in the mud, I catch Joan’s eye & for a moment there is silence which is quickly chased away by our laughter.

“You are so fucking high!” She barely manages to squeeze out a reply in-between fits of laughter, I don’t even try I just enjoy the moment.  

theo-jay original

If you're reading this...

go write three sentences on your current writing project.

[theo-jay-writes]

““If you don’t have time to read, you don’t have the time (or the tools) to write.””

— Stephen King

[theo-jay-writes]

Night Kiss

words spoken, a covenant, arms entwined; Summer wine, leaves and golden pastures past which, we, so enraptured, sitting upon a patch of dirt, our earth; this lovely mirth, a sublime thing, succumbing, combining through loving, becoming more than before, caught in each other’s worth

[theo-jay-writes]

Selena

The weather was ordinary that weekend evening. Selena was in her home office going over documents & responding to emails; the work didn’t hold her attention & done nothing to improve Selena’s jaded mood or distract from her loneliness. A gentle but persistent wind of solitude was blowing through Selena; it swayed her softly & pronounced her isolation a little more loudly, made itself a little less ignorable. Selena sighed, a shallow hurt sound & went back to work. She lasted five minutes before reaching for her phone. Flicked through her messages, calls & contacts stopping at the name Abel. The solitude whispered to her “call him”, she went back to work. Three hours went by reading documents, emailing colleagues & checking accounts for discrepancies, she needed to smoke. Selena walked over to a small cabinet by the far wall, opened a draw, dumped the contents on her desk, rolled a couple of spliffs & left for her garden. Spliff in mouth Selena lit it, inhaled as deep as she could, held it & her whole body let out a low lengthy sigh. Wisps of smoke flittered upwards before dissipating into the purple evening, that wind of solitude was growing stronger.  She took another hit. Sudden forceful gusts filled Selena. Another hit, a deep one that filled her lungs & made her cough as she exhaled. Misery unfurled & flew high in that wind. Selena heard windows being shut, she hadn’t checked to see if anyone was around before starting, she didn’t care. She felt like a tree fighting to stay planted in a relentless wind- it filled her branches, ripped her leaves off & battered her trunk. Selena threw her finished spliff off her rooftop garden, lit the second, took another lungful & tired from resisting leaned into the wind of solitude. The wind took Selena to a glowing moment in her distant past. She remembered a verdant green & a warm summer afternoon. Abel was there, they were still together, her head resting on his arm while he played with her hair. They were laying in the shade of a big tree with light filtering through the leaves & pooling around them. Selena’s skin tingled as she remembered Abel’s touch; his fingers in her hair, his arm under her neck, his breathe coiling into her ears. This was nice, this moment of peace, safety & content. The wind changed, Selena took another lungful, let it lift her out of that memory & settle her in another. A memory from her recent past. From the fog of her intoxicated mind emerged a room Selena knew, her old home office. She drifted around the memory of that room; remembering the luxurious comfort of her desk chair, the hours she spent at home working, the dwindling frequency Noah would enter her office, the cabinet by the door where Selena kept her intoxicants. She took another hit & the scene shifted. Selena was now in her old hallway between her & the door her husband shimmered into view. First his lip, his eyes & then rest of him, Noah’s last words to her filled her mind. “I never understood your obsession with this, with work. I thought that I could accept it without understanding but I was wrong, I tried but you wouldn’t let me in. Now I’ve run out of reasons to stay and there’s this strange wordless understanding between us, that our six years together ends with me standing in the doorway holding a suitcase and you smoking, watching me leave.” The wind of solitude returned Selena to her rooftop garden, high & emotional but also oddly soothed; she didn’t understand why. Was indulging herself with past fantasies of intimacy all she needed to feel good again? Was she really only her ambition? A wonky smile spread across Selena’s face followed by a wonky laugh, the question was hysterical to her. She took another deep hit & coughed- she was down to the ash of her second spliff. She watched the stub slowly smoulder down to her fingertips. The wind of solitude blew fiercely, rushing through her home filling every room with a hollow, eerie whistle & bursting out the garden. “So now what?” nobody answered her question, the fog of intoxication was heavy in her mind “I can go inside and get another” she flicked the glowing stub over the railing, “I can stay here & never go inside that house again. I can confront my loneliness & do something about it…or I can accept it &..." No words passed her lips, the indifferent evening sky watched Selena make her choice.

theo-jay original

[theo-jay-writes]

Club Paradise in December

When we talked my mind drifted back to Minecraft, when she talked to me she always made me smile.

You are not the same.

I never lost any sleep ghosting you, not being able to talk to her is a never-ending nightmare.

You are not the same.

When we stopped talking you never crossed my mind, I'm here writing about her because I'm still not over her. 

You are not the same.

You are the justification for not paying on first dates, she's the reason I spent three nights in a 2 star hostel.

You are not the same.

Somebody else had to tell me how you felt, she's the reason I don’t want to love anyone again.

You are not the same.

You like who I am, she told me it was ok to just be me.

You are not the same.

All you ever were was nice to me, one day I'll put her through the same anguish she's putting me through now.

You are not the same.

Theo-Jay Original 

[theo-jay-writes]

The servant went back to the stoker and in confiding sort of tone said: 'Now get the hell out of here!' On hearing this reply the stoker looked down at Karl, as if he were his own heart, to whom he was making silent plaint. Without any more ado, Karl broke away, ran right across the room, actually brushing the officer's chair on his way, the servant swooped after him with arms outspread, like a rat-catcher, but Karl was first to the chief cashier's table, and gripped it with both hands in case the servant should attempt to haul him away. Naturally, with that the whole room sprang to life.

-Franz Kafka is my new love

[theo-jay-writes]

Moving On

Felt like doing another video edit, especially since the previous one went down so well, so here ya go. This is only 37 seconds but took forever to make & I got a little taste of import audio & compression is to video, there is a short creative piece I wanted to post alongside this but it isn’t finish so it’ll probably be coming tomorrow. Enjoy.