thequirkyscientist

[thequirkyscientist]

[thequirkyscientist]

I feel so low. I’m sat here crying on the inside, desperate to cry on the outside just to let it out. My Nan has taken a turn for the worse so I went down to visit her again today. It was only yesterday that I made her and me matching bracelets which I was going to give her for Christmas. She has become pretty unresponsive again and is in and out of it so I decided to get down today to see her and to give her her bracelet as there is a very real possibility she may not even be here for Christmas. She’s been receiving what I guess you’d call palliative care for the last few months since being sent home from the hospital as it was agreed that there was nothing further the doctors could really do for her except make her comfortable. She did initially improve somewhat and you could have conversations with her even though she’s been confined to her bed for the best part of this year. Now she’s gone back to the place she was in before she improved. The doctor saw her today and she has further infections. It’s just a case of hoping for the best but also not wanting her to suffer especially when she has already said she wants to go. She has been like a Mum to me, and I’m closer to her than I am to my Mum. I’m at a loss to even begin to explain how I feel, though it’s all been a roller coaster these past few months with her health being up and down.

N has been drinking again and I’m struggling to deal with it on top of everything else that’s going on, as well as trying to cope with my own depression and self harming urges. Sometimes I want to shout at him and say ‘Don’t you think I want to break down and self destruct? Don’t you think I’m dealing with some pretty shit stuff too?’ Sometimes I feel like he forgets that because I don’t always show it, I’m struggling too.

x

[thequirkyscientist]

I’m feeling really quite low today. I hate to say it but today was one of those days at uni where you could really feel that you were around 18 year olds. I don’t mean to sound condescending in the slightest, but I wish I had just their worries to worry about. Plus I just wanted to crack on with the work and get out of their whereas they were just mucking about and moaning about it. I didn’t really get a choice about working with them as it was a lab session. Ugh.. Anyway, I’ve been out of sorts all day and it’s one of those days where every little thing gets blown out of proportion and you end up just seeing it as more evidence of how shit of a person you are. This week is pretty light on lectures, but I still have to drive the 3 hour round trip every day, even if it’s just for one one hour lecture, like tomorrow and Friday. I’d much rather withdraw into myself and stay in bed.

N was drinking last night again. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened before now after his little reminiscing trip away last week, but still, sometimes I feel like is this just something I have to accept? That my boyfriend will fall off the wagon from time to time and I just have to help it get back on it each time.

I had the doctors this morning for some blood tests to find out why I keep sweating so much each night that I need to change my clothes and bedding. It’s been happening for a couple of months now and it’s driving me insane. Hopefully the bloods will show up something, if not, it’s back to the drawing board and more bugging of my doctor! Fun times!

x

[thequirkyscientist]

It’s been a long day. I was up at 5.30am to ensure I was at uni for a 9am biology lecture. After that finished at 10am, me and my friends Rose, Jordan and Kirsty went and sat in the SU and did some studying until our next lectures at 4 and 5pm. Seeing as I live so far from the uni, it’s not practical for me to pop home during the day. Thankfully though, it’s usually only one long day like that in the week, the others being a bit shorter. 

I’ve been feeling a bit low and down today, like I just want to withdraw into my own world. I had the uni counsellor call me up to arrange another appointment and to see how I am, but it’s not like I say too much to him anymore.

My boyfriend N - originally he was going to pop over to my place and we were going to swap advent calendars when I got home from uni, but he cancelled, saying he was feeling pretty down himself. I do understand but I also worry. He’s just got back from Scotland where he went to reminise about his life and although that’s all well and good, there’s certain things in his life that he tries to push away and sometimes he can’t and turns to drink as a result. My worry is that he’s heading in that direction. I really hope not, for his sake. I’m seeing him after uni tomorrow - I finish earlier in the day so he’s going to catch a bus to the city where I study and then we’ll take my car and go on a little christmas shopping adventure, so that should be nice.

Much love for now

x

[thequirkyscientist]

I’m back!

Ok, so I’m back. I don’t know what happened, I guess I just couldn’t deal with things and pulled back from anything that meant I had to think about stuff.

An update - I’ll make it brief. I’ve had a shitty year - my mum almost died, my grandad did die and both of my nan’s have been in and out of hospital and barely surviving. One is basically receiving palliative care now. I’m really close with her as she’s been like my mum. 

I’ve done some running, running and some more running and completed a marathon in the summer, which I’m pretty proud of. I did a 100 mile bike ride, both events being for charity. I’m now at uni studying human biology.

Mental health wise, it’s been so so tough. Care coordinators in my team have changed so much that I never made good connections with them and basically as soon as I started uni they discharged me, saying there was nothing more they could do for me and that as I had started uni, I was ‘obviously ok now’. Like what the hell?? I had just told my CC that I was struggling with the huge change in my life with starting uni and that I was struggling with suicidal thoughts as well as self harming ones, and all she said was ‘well, you aren’t going to like what I’ve got to say next then - we are discharging you.’ So yeah, I’m left up shit creek without a paddle.

 I tried talking to the uni counsellors, and they were kinda ok with me see me whilst I was struggling so much because I initially had the mental health team supporting me too. As soon as they disappeared, the uni wanted to have all these urgent meetings to decide whether I was well enough to be there! I had to do some mega damage limitation and down play everything so that I didn’t lose the only thing holding me together at the moment. I had that meeting yesterday and whilst I had to pretty much lie and say I would reach out for help if I needed it, I hate the fact I even have to lie about it at all. And I’m so angry over how the mental health team have dealt with the situation, like ‘oh, you feel like killing yourself? Call 999′. Er.. ok, but all they would do is call you, and if you’re telling me there’s nothing you can do anymore, then basically you are just saying that if I want to kill myself, go ahead, no-one is going to stop me. My GP is mega pissed. My boyfriend, family and friends are mega pissed and want to write letters. I do too, but to be honest, because they’ve twisted so much to make me look like I’m overly dependant on them or whatever, been in the system too long and they’ve made me feel like a piece of shit that will just never really get better and isn’t worth the time even trying.

I’m struggling with my ED and the guilt from eating, but all they say is that I saw a dietitian back in 2012! I give up. Uni is so stressful but in a way it’s kinda keeping me going even though this depression is coming in full force at the mo.

Anyway, enough rambling. Sorry if you messaged me during my absence, I’ve not seen them til now, so if you want to message me again, feel free.

Much love

[thequirkyscientist]

So, my head goes like this ' why can't you stop eating for Christ's sake? You've eaten shit loads!' Works it out. Around the 1000 calorie mark. Fat fat gross disgusting. I need to cut back a lot from tomorrow onwards. 'yeah, I'll believe that when I see it! You say that every day! Waster'. Failure.

[thequirkyscientist]

Feel so disgusting today. I binged on an entire Easter egg last night. I feel like I have no control

[thequirkyscientist]

Trig. ED/SI

What do you do when your weight is literally back down on the anorexic BMI of 17.5 again but still people comment on how great you look, despite knowing your history of severe anorexia? Even my doctor doesn’t seem bothered. As for my ‘CPN’, she’s so new that she wouldn’t even know my weight has dropped significantly anyway. Which gives me the perfect chance to ‘slip between the cracks’ like last time. Though last time I kissed death on the cheek and almost had a ‘game over’.. I’m torn. I want people to notice, but I also really don’t at the same time. My boyfriend has commented on my weight saying he thinks I’m getting smaller, but that’s about it. Aside one or two friends, nobody really questions me on my weight or even if I have an obvious wound from self harm. It’s bizarre really. Even my family don’t say a word. Not.One.Word. So yes, I really can take things to the extreme if it got that bad. Sad really.

[thequirkyscientist]

Argh!!!

I feel like such a failure. My weight is pretty much the same as it was months ago despite all my efforts. It’s either because I eat too damn much or because I’m building muscle from all the gym trips I do. I am beyond frustrated. This relapse has been different in that I’ve never usually gone to the gym regularly like this before, and have usually just stuck to walking or my exercise bike. In all honesty, I don’t even eat that much. I eat next to nothing, if not nothing at all during the day and stick to low cal or no cal fluids. For tea I either have a salad with sweet chilli sauce dressing with rice cakes/crackers. The evenings are my downfall as I seem to just graze on more rice cakes, crackers or mini milks, which are low calorie anyway. I have a low cal hot chocolate with mini marshmallows at bedtime as a ‘treat’ for not binging in the day. But I’m feeling like I may as well be eating more considering my weight isn’t budging despite walking for at least an hour a day, 3 times a week at the gym for 1-2 hours a time, and a drumming exercise class each week. Plus more walking on top of that if I running errands around town. I can’t be consuming any more than 1000 cals a day max, so what is going on?! My toilet habits haven’t been great, thanks to my ED and also my IBS but I do try and flush my system through at least once a week if there is no movement at all. I’m fucking up somewhere, I just don’t know where. Maybe I just need to eat even less. 

[thequirkyscientist]

My IBS is driving me insane at the moment! I have the constipation dominant type and my belly is so bloated from not being able to use the loo. I have to be so careful with laxatives as I was once addicted to them during one particular time with my eating disorder, so I try not to take them aside the one’s the doctor agrees with. I take regular prescribed ones to help but at the moment, they seem to be doing nothing. I even ordered some enemas a few weeks ago and even that hasn’t cleared it out. I’m getting so desperate now and my belly is feeling worse and worse. It makes me want to overdose on laxatives just to clear myself out. 

[thequirkyscientist]

TW for EDs

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with one thing or another, and as a result my ED is taking the brunt of it. There have been times where I’ve restricted to a certain ‘safe’ amount, there’s also been times where I’ve eaten more than that and I’ve felt like I’ve just been binging. Subjectively, it hasn’t been binging, but still, the guilt is still the same. My weight isn’t budging probably because of that and my dead metabolism. My exercise this week has gone through the roof and everyone around thinks it’s fab that I want to keep fit in such a way. Truth is, I walk at least an hour a day, go to the gym three times a week for 1-2 hours a time, I went for a 26 mile bike ride and started a new drumming fitness class this week. My BMI is 17.4 and as mad as this sounds, nobody has said a word about it, not that I’ve actually said about the ED stuff. I’ve been told I look normal and my dr doesn’t seem bothered despite suffering from extremely low BMI’s in the past and needing to be sectioned for life saving treatment. On the one hand, I want to be left alone, but on the other, I guess a part of me wants someone to notice my pain. I have a new care co-coordinator and she knows nothing about me so it’s like the ED part of my brain is thinking of how easy it is at the moment to slip through the cracks at least where she’s concerned. Seems it’s working as I saw her today and even though I told her I was struggling badly with my mood and other stuff, she told me she’d just see me again in a month. 

My ED has been getting worse since just before Christmas. I didn’t weigh myself then but I started again after a while, and since I’ve been checking it, I’ve lost over a stone. I can’t see a difference in myself, but I have noticed my clothes getting bigger on me so I know I can’t look the same. It’s so bizarre. 

Because everyone around me seems to be unaware of what’s happening, it makes me want to just give up eating altogether because I feel like I can’t even have a problem in the first place, like I’m pathetic and don’t really have a problem. The problem with being at such lower weights in the past is that even though I know statistically I’m underweight, I always feel fat because I’ve been much lower. I can’t win and I just want to hide and disappear.

[thequirkyscientist]

Because I am a little bizarre.

[thequirkyscientist]

Loving this tune :) x

[thequirkyscientist]

Feeling shitty because you know you should be stronger than all this relapse stuff.

[thequirkyscientist]

VIRTUAL HUG TO EVERYONE IS STRUGGLING WITH AN EATING DISORDER IN THE WORLD…REMEMBER YOU’RE NOT ALONE

[thequirkyscientist]

Inside my madness

I’ve had a couple of days where I’ve not been able to contain my food intake as well as I would have perhaps liked. For the majority of last week I barely ate anything aside the odd rice cake with some dairylea. Oh yeah, and a bit of vodka helps distract the mind from food - not great I know. Anyhow, my weight started dropping which I was really pleased about. But then my sister surprised me with a visit from her and the kids. Due to it having been my nephews birthday they previous week, she went out and bought him a chocolate cake for us all to share seeing as I didn’t seen him for his birthday. I had a little bit but it was like it switched some kind of switch that made me just want to eat. Even though rationally I know they weren’t binges, it feels like they were because it was more than I would have otherwise had. So yeah, it’s been like that the past couple of days and I’ve felt like utter crap because of it. I’m hoping today will end up being a better day.

[thequirkyscientist]

It's pancake day. I ate a couple of pancakes and now I feel like crap. Fuck you anorexia!