tiredpoets - Tumblr blog

[tiredpoets]

don't make me tap the sign again.

[tiredpoets]

Having an abled partner is hard. I fail so frequently due to my disorders I feel like nothing compared to him. Of course, he respects and understands me and my disabilities, but I can't help but feel so ashamed about my executive dysfunction and lack of attention span that I feel inferior in comparison.

I really want to be everything I can be for him. I want to stay strong. But every time my executive dysfunction hits, I get this sudden wave of complete worthlessness. Like I don't mean anything to the productivity of the world, so I don't mean anything at all to the rest of it either. But I know he loves me, and I know that feeling isn't his fault.

I want to be medicated. But god, only for the executive dysfunction and inattentiveness. Everything else I can handle. Even just to pretend it's all okay.

[tiredpoets]

I wish I was scarlet

Instead of a dull, desaturated red.

I wish my room was a sanctuary

Instead of a place with a bed.

I stand above my lifeless body,

And I cry: Husk, husk!!

I wish I loved you, lifeless body,

But there's nothing left here for us.

If only you were a bright and shiny scarlet

With glitter like rubies,

What dulled you, dusty red?

What locked your knees?

What dulled you, dusty red?

When will you get up and leave?

I loved you, dusty red,

Please....

[tiredpoets]

Oh how I dream of meeting you some sunny day

In the grocery market aisle

Or passing by you on the street

Just to reminisce about the good times

Maybe go and grab a drink

And we'll reveal the hidden truths

That break through like the ice

As it melts away the candles

And turns on the lights

I'll say I never forgot that trick you taught me

With the flower stems and daisies

And you'll look at me like it's spring again

When the world was right and hazy

I let it warm your heart

The warmth fills up the room

Suddenly the world is bright again

With no threat of impending doom

We know it's getting late

Our drinks are watered down proper

The bell rings as you walk out

The door hits it's doorstopper

[tiredpoets]

OH MY GOOOODDD

[tiredpoets]

HEY! YOU! Yea, you, scrolling through Tumblr for validation and support for your executive dysfunction because you feel powerless: I love you, and I know you're trying your best <3 Take a moment and breathe. Let your chest unwind for a little bit as you read this post. I love you despite the things you cannot do, and I hope you find people who see your complexities and value you for them instead of putting you down. You deserve empathy and comfort. I know it's heavy, so thank you for continuing despite how hard it is. I see you.

[tiredpoets]

[tiredpoets]

I've been struggling with executive dysfunction all my life, and let me tell you: the hardest part about my day while I was still in the standard school system was understanding that

1) not only do I have to get up earlier than my chemistry and get ready adequately enough to be present and neurotypically pleasing

2) I'd have to go somewhere for 6+ hours whether or not I had the energy or will to

3) I'd have to do classes I had practically no control over nor liked or cared about (that were nearly all boring and watched over by a teacher)

4) I'd have to do this 5 times a week

5) In order to keep up, I'd have to expend at least 3 hours of my time doing homework and only have maybe an hour to myself including lunch.

And that wasn't even the bulk of it.

It STILL surprises me how so many people get through the days like that.

School might not have given me my ADHD or my executive dysfunction, but I sure as hell don't suffer even half as much now as I did from being in that system.

Thankfully, I transferred to something more at home that accommodates me better, but I still struggle a lot knowing most of the work I do is practically useless to me and my life goals + my brain will only dedicate max an hour to it.

The standard school system pounds the mindstate into you that if you're not working yourself to the bone, you're not even really a person compared to the masses who can. And yea, of course that's gonna fuck you up, especially as a kid. It's not realistic, not for us anyway.

Now I struggle with studying the things I know I want to. It's put a whole boring damper on learning new things for me. I don't LIKE learning anymore. I don't LIKE learning anatomy for my art or writing creative stories because I was taught that learning HAD TO BE INSTITUTIONALIZED and HAD TO BE BORING and HAD TO GO AGAINST MY BRAIN.

I only draw to vent now. I only write for essays and assignments. I don't study psychology anymore because I was told my own was just me being dramatic, and that it doesn't pay well as a field to go into, so now I find it embarrassing. I don't even like learning about the lore of my favorite video games anymore.

The standard high school system has left me a husk of what used to be child-like wonder and of course I'm pissed off about it.

It traumatized me, and I'm so glad I left, even if I'm still struggling against myself and relearning what it means to love things passionately again (and adapting that to how my ADHD affects my attention span).

My big post on "textbook thinking" is overdue, but one thought hit me like a ton of bricks and I need to speak it, if only into the void.

I think school gave us executive dysfunction.

I'm not saying "neural imbalances" aren't real, but I think schooling added a layer, whether or not such a problem was already present.

Do you find it harder to do something you want to accomplish than something someone else tells or asks you to do?

I feel like part of that is how we were instructed to not do ANY of the things we wanted to or felt like doing, instead waiting for and following the instructions given.

We were trained to not even use the bathroom without permission. I think it's unreasonable to assume that this didn't affect our ability to put thoughts into action.

[tiredpoets]

Doing my paperwork (aromantic census) and working a 9-5 (being disabled) feeling good

[tiredpoets]

Shoutout to mean aros. Aros that are a hard pill to swallow. Aros that aren't palatable. Aros that are angry, cold, and distant. Aros that don't want to be "good representation". Aros that don't love and don't care what's said about it. Aros that do love and don't care who understands it. Aros that don't sit right with alloromos. Aros that want to be left alone and don't want to talk. Aros that are loud and opinionated and refuse to shut up. Aros that are bitter. Aros that don't want to answer questions about their labels. You shouldn't need to be warm and approachable to earn respect for your aromanticism and avoid harassment from arophobes.

[tiredpoets]

Caretaker abuse is so uniquely hard to experience and talk about because most people are only that vulnerable for the first decade of their life. After then their basic needs are mostly in their own hands .

Needing someone else for your basic hygiene and safety inherently creates a huge power imbalance even outside of how easy it is to intentionally abuse us. Even if our carers have no bad intentions they can still up and say "sorry, I'm to angry to even look at you right now " after a fight or "whoops, sorry, I forgot about that thing/ that you needed this. Just slipped my mind ". And if that were a normal parent or friend or partner or aquantence or colleague that would be fine but it's NOT fine when you need that person to live. Tiny tiny things that wouldn't matter for most other people become abuse. A lot of people only have access to family as carers and for people with genetic and inherited disabilities , neglect can happen because they experience some of the same symptoms you do . And When you are disabled enough to need a carer , people will always believe your carer over you.

It's HARD to set boundaries especially physical ones with someone who cleans the most private parts of your body every day. It's hard to feel like you have privacy and some people will even tell you that you don't deserve privacy in the first place, or assume , why would we even need/ want it if we need supervision and help with basic tasks ?

When you need someone to tell you what's best for you because of a developmental or intelectual disability or else you will literally die , you have to trust other people even when you feel like you shouldn't. You get taken advantage of and lied to because it's either that or death.

Caretakers are always viewed as noble people making some sort of sacrifice for taking care of us. They are sometimes seen as victims of us and our disability. It is rarely when people recognize it's the other way around.

I wish there was more conversation about caretaker abuse and how easy it is to happen . I feel very alone being a victim of it sometimes. Some people with lower needs will try to compare it to parental/ guardian abuse like they understand but it is so so different and so so scary to go through , to know you will likely always experience some form of it forever. Caretaker abuse is so important to talk about and share our stories about because it is something many of us will never ever escape .

[tiredpoets]

really good name. its like penis but gender neutral.

[tiredpoets]

been going a little bit insane about this sentence from Ace by Angela Chen for the past week

[tiredpoets]

No because like actually. I have so much shame and pain because of my lithromanticism because I'll genuinely think I like someone, and then think a relationship'll fix me if I just stick it out long enough, and then it doesn't. Then the cycle repeats. It makes be feel so broken and almost manipulative.

It hurts even more that lithromantic isn't even a label to most people. And romance without initiative is either a foreign topic for the common folk or you'll be seen as someone who purposefully leads people on or is lazy to commitment. Sometimes I wish Reddit could give me some kind of solution to it all; an end-all-be-all one time elixir post that cures my lithromanticism, whether that means I'm actually a manipulator and need to fix it or there's a HUUUUGGGEE secret community out there that Gets It and supports me. Unfortunately, that's not the case, and I have to figure it out by myself. So this is the best I got: a label. A micro label some may say.

We do the best with what we have, I guess. Noone can really fault us for that.

Oddly vent-y but it's so wild to be confident in your gender and sexuality your whole life then realize you're Lithromantic... deadass thinking stuff like "how do I fix it" which is wEird for me

[tiredpoets]

i wish i could fall in love instead of pretending to.

[tiredpoets]

to be loved is to be changed

Haruki Murakami South of the Border, West of the Sun // Robert Bly In the Month of May // Ocean Vuong On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous // art: unknown quote: Fyodor Dostoeyevsky The Brothers Karamazov // @x2s (via @llovelymoonn) // Bianca Sparacino // Noah Kahan You're Gonna Go Far // Katja Kemnitz Too Much Love // Charlotte Eriksson Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself

[tiredpoets]

Very true.