tooloudthoughts

[tooloudthoughts]

still jobless, every job opening is outside the area im in.

im not allowed to leave the area, as much as i want to. hiring a charter is expensive, so the distance can't be too far.

every job opening that IS available, i don't have the experience and skillset for, below minimum wage, etc etc.

i have a deadline.

im resigned to just.

i don't even know.

im just clinging onto my hobbies desperately, if only so i could feel something.

everything feels so dead to me now.

god.

im exhausted.

[tooloudthoughts]

Self-aware of my self-destruction, yet unable to stop myself.

[tooloudthoughts]

[tooloudthoughts]

on colors and being different and not being enough for yourself

(please reblog instead of liking)

[tooloudthoughts]

i want to get my shit together so badly

i also want to just give up

[tooloudthoughts]

i am, very much aware, that i am self-sabotaging.

and i need to get better.

but for some reason, only now did it hit me.

and im just, having a whole crisis over it??

idk the words, words r hard, but its just, GOD????

trying to get better is alrdy hell, now I have to get EVEN better, like FUCKING HELL IM GOING BACKWARDS.

and i also have like, revelations??

Job didn't want me, and while yeah, that sucks and i hate it but also I'm SO GLAD???

My family's been draining my of my own money, I don't even have savings cuz they keep taking it and so im GLAD not to have a JOB.

But I NEED to work cuz FINANCIAL ISSUES.

but im so SICK of my family draining my own MONEY. FROM THE JOB I HAD SEVERAL BREAKDOWNS OVER.

Their excuse is that they use their own salary to pay bills, SO AM I.

SO USE UR OWN MONEY TO BUY YOUR OWN TINGS. WHY USE MINE- oh they used it all- THEY FUCKING USED IT ALL SO THEY USE MINE-

im still so fucking mad and it only went on for a year or so, they want to restart the cycle and i fucking hate that and I just.

No isn't an answer to them. To them it's me ABANDONING them. And fucking hell i want to run, i want out and i just.

GOD.

I'm so tired.

[tooloudthoughts]

it's almost 10pm where i am.

2025 is. soon.

sigh.

im not, ready, nor am i looking forward to it.

catch me having a breakdown again like the last year lmaoo

[tooloudthoughts]

no job now, searching for one

not looking forward to trying to fit in another job that's not meant for my 'too quiet, not fast enough, no common sense' ass.

for now, however.

it is very refreshing to not always be criticized for being myself, since, duh, im at home.

but, i need money, so i need to find job.

work sucks, but i still need to do it.

sigh.

trying to fit in when ppl can literally detect im an anomaly among em is a pain in the ass.

and im not strong enough to mask 24/7, so.

god i hate this.

wish me luck ig.

[tooloudthoughts]

tried to be optimistic.

failed, very badly.

my mom won't stop making me feel horrible.

tear ducts have been refilled and drained again.

and im surrounded by one of the reasons living is so hard.

im.

what's the point again.

why do i have so many dreams.

i keep doing this.

why

im so tired.

am i destroying my ear drums just to drown out the noise again? yes. yes i am.

i wish the noise didn't include my mom's voice.

but all the words i hear will just make the noise louder.

i used to worship the very ground she walked on, i love her so fucking much, I'm willing to throw myself away for her, i was RAISED to do EVERYTHING for my FAMILY.

why can't i.

why am i so unwilling to now.

why am i prioritizing myself now.

im just me, why.

im just.

why.

..im sorry.

my mind is suggesting something rlly not good now.

and its tempting.

oh no, oh dear.

im trying not to.

im trying.

even tho its never enough.

i can't take that path.

too risky for my friends.

if there's 1 thing that's still tying my sanity (as much as i cringe over the word, i rlly do feel like I'm going to go insane), its them, and i can't do it to them.

as much as i want to do it to myself.

haa life, why r u so harsh

goddamnit.

goddamnit all.

im gonna.

idk.

not die ig.

later.

[tooloudthoughts]

i thought i found a better job, and i did.

so i got out of my toxic workplace, and i was so fucking hopeful, that maybe, hey life is giving me a chance to actually be happy, finally.

then the boss pulled me aside to tell me im not fit for the job, and cut my training in half. it was supposed to be 2 weeks, but i only attended 5 days.

i was too quiet, not outspoken enough, just too fucking different to be suited for the job.

now im fucking jobless, amazing.

and my mom racked up a huge amount of debt, AGAIN.

im so tired. why can't i just live, why can't i just fucking fit in, why can't i just be happy

i just want to provide for my family, yet i can't even do that right

i

im even looking into a line of work i would feel absolutely disgusted with doing cuz im literally aroace but what choice do i have, my family's on my ass about having no money cuz guess what, they spent it all and didn't save up, even used up my own fucking savings and

i can't even fucking try to run away, i've thought about it but i know i can't go through with it, they're all 60+ y/o, they need help, if i run, no one is gonna take care of em, no one's gonna help, i'll be abandoning them to die and i won't do that cuz they did fucking raise me, as best as they could even tho it's still fucking shitty considering i barely know how to take care of myself cuz they've been so occupied taking care of my other now dead family member that i was always just brushed to the side and im so fucking stressed out and i hate myself andi just wanna die but i don't but i do but i just can't i can't i can't i can' i can't i can't i can' i just fucking can't

i can't even express this irl to them cuz again, i'll be brushed off and my mom hates it when i break down cuz she doesn't know how to handle me and tells me so and i just

the place im at barely has any job openings, and im fucking stuck here and its driving me crazy and i want out i want out i want out i want out i want out i want out i want out please i juat wanna fucking get away and live and die and i want out god fucking damnit let me out please im so tired im so fucking tired i want out please god please im begging you god please im trying so hard but im never enough and i just want out please god please

i

im so tired.

i want to sleep. for a long time. or just, forever.

[tooloudthoughts]

i keep messing up at work.

the boss is questioning my 1 year experience, and so mad at me. for good reason, i just keep misunderstanding something i thought i understood.

i know its normal to make mistakes, but i just keep making em.

i'm so terrified. i need this job, my family is relying on me to earn money. i'm so tired.

i wanna cry. i wanna barf, eevn tho i don't want to. i just wanna live, and yet i can't even do that right.

[tooloudthoughts]

i've been using a ballpoint pen, pointy one, to draw lines and give myself some pressure but im also having trouble breathing now and my thoughts r so loud, i don't wanna reach for something that's not my ballpoint pen, i don't wanna but im so tired and tempted, i wanna barf without having to barf too?? idk what im doing with my life, im so tired and mental health is being a bitch

[tooloudthoughts]

im struggling so much with my new job, i apparently don't reach my boss' standards and im just so terrified i'll be kicked out to the curb soon. im trying, im rlly trying, i just struggle with normal people things, i didn't know what ive been doing is considered rude??? im so stressed out, family isn't helping, i just wanna cry but i can't cuz i have to go work soon and my day off was yesterday but its not enough, im so tired.

[tooloudthoughts]

I'm sorry for being serious all of the sudden, but to anyone who is still here because they want to be there for someone, wether that be a family member, a friend, a pet, etc, thank you so much for being alive

I understand that type of feeling, not really wanting to keep going for my own sake, but going on anyway because I don't want the people I love to feel sad if I were gone one day

If it hasn't happened already, I hope someday soon you can be alive for your own sake as well, you deserve to feel that kind of self love

[tooloudthoughts]

i want to take off my head and throw it as far as possible GOD my head is too loud tonight

[tooloudthoughts]

"you're not ready to get married if you don't know how to cook rice"

i do know how, why is it you're turning this 1 mistake of mine of adding too little water this time into i don't know how to cook rice AT ALL.

and why are you involving marriage into this, this has absolutely nothing to do with marriage???

[tooloudthoughts]

so cousin is very insistent on me continuing my studies.

i am trying so hard, to explain it to them, without exposing how i actually don't have a choice to go, and that im stuck.

i am, so stressed.

in public, i can't cry. i'm not, good.

breathing is hard