toskabi

[toskabi]

why do i have this fucking need to stick to one person,

and base all my happiness in whatever they do with or to me.

why can't i function properly,

without needing anyone at all

[toskabi]

i can't even tell when my life went downhill

[toskabi]

[toskabi]

if i could,

i would.

when it comes to me,

suddenly fighting is not an option.

[toskabi]

[toskabi]

that's why nobody wants to stick with you anymore. you're so fucking sick and your fucking mentall illness is killing everyone around you. doesnt matter how much help you get, at the end you're still the same and no one will ever fucking love you.

from me to fucking me.

[toskabi]

its really fucking hard living in my own mind trying to convince myself that i hate everyone when in reality i just wanna love

[toskabi]

i woke up from a very nice dream,

anxious to tell someone about it...

but i noticed that i don't know who to go to.

[toskabi]

doesn't matter what happens,

at the end of the day i'll always feel like my existence is irrelevant.

[toskabi]

it really doesnt matter what do you say,

its your actions that truly show me how much you care

[toskabi]

i wonder if i make you feel the way you make me feel.

good and bad.

[toskabi]

is fighting for me not worth it?

is trying for me not worth it?

is just talking to me not worth it?

am i not worth it?

[toskabi]

it's years of feeling emptiness and an overflowing amount of emotions and thoughts that only make me sick.

it's years of fighting with my only enemy: me.

how can i win this battle when i myself join the opponent to defeat me?

it makes no sense, and i'm so tired of submerging myself in an ocean of thoughts, ideas, anxieties and fears. when will this ocean dry up? i hope soon.

[toskabi]

i run trying to get to the finish line but not wanting to overtake others.

i run trying to get to the finish line but putting obstacles in my way.

i run trying to get to the finish line but standing still from time to time.

i run trying to get to the finish line without accepting even a bottle of water.

i run trying to get to the finish line seeing how there's no one who wants to celebrate my achievement.

i run without moving a single step forward.

in the race it's me against myself and no one has a chance of winning.

[toskabi]

it's so frustrating that i can't get annoyed with you (directly).

to me you are perfect, i don't see anything wrong, and at the same time you have given me several reasons to get annoyed with the attitudes you have towards me.

doesn't even make sense,

my mind is a muddle i can't get out of.

[toskabi]

how I wish there was someone, just one person who would understand me. who would be patient with me, who would choose to be with me and not be burdened by my presence. that my existence would mean something good to them, and not a burden as it has been all my life.

[toskabi]

fucking text me, pretend i matter to you.