twistedyapping

[twistedyapping]

my experience with health n wellness n stuff

so i started adding weights alongside my cardio, changing my cardio routine just slightly, and changing my diet a tad like 3 months ago or so now-

i didnt do it to lose weight or anything, i did it to build muscle and also hopefully stop fighting god on the shitter- i basically just started doing it to do it bc like. Why not.

and real shit ever since i started really bryan johnsoning and david gogginsing life my whole everything has absolutely skyrocketed-

n im not gonna be one of those ppl that's like "LIFT OR DIE!!!!! EXERCISE OR U SUCK!!!!" Bc like if u have a solid reason why u cant, dw abt it- but in my experience since i changed all this stuff, my self esteem and confidence (and even 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 vibes) and Everything has just absolutely skyrocketed for the better-

Like i was someone who got winded bringing the groceries in the house (And i could hold like 4 light bags max), and if i like squatted down to the floor for any reason, it was a Full Body exercise to get myself back up to stand.

now i can literally get up and down using Only My Legs which is how it should be!!! And the other day i carried HALF the grocery load in the house and wasn't even winded!!!!!! Like that little shit is just so fucking worth it bro it makes u feel so much better abt literally everything in life

and i have visible muscle now!!! Im not a twig like i can actually do shit!!! And after being known as the skinny as a rail twig with no muscle for like my whole life, you have no clue how great being able to overhead press 21.5lbs Multiple Times feels for me- And like that's probably not a whole lot of weight for a lot of ppl, but mannnn i started with 16lbs and was DYING.

i can also fucking glute bridge 60lbs Like that's CRAZY to me and ya ya the hips r the powerhouse of the cell But i started with 54.5lbs. That is also insane to me.

the thing is like i literally never knew my own strength, like the small amount i already had, and i also never knew how to Increase it until now- And now i just feel more in tune with my body and even my mind like- idk everything is just Good and Better.

ya i got some days where i dont rly feel like eating bryan johnson food like quinoa n shit But other days i literally get hyped for it. and i measure my food n shit like-

and i was allergic to the idea of measuring my food n stuff at first- i genuinely hated the idea because i didnt want to find out i was getting like 0 nutrients per day i was PETRIFIED bc i was always told i eat like an ipad kid-

well turns out i actually Do get a lot of nutrients every day and even more now- and i dont measure my food to hit a specific amount of calories, i just measure it to know what im getting out of it- im not counting strands of spaghetti tryna make sure it's EXACTLY 116 grams, but hitting that double serving 232g dead on is satisfying ngl- Or cutting exactly 1oz of cheese- Like it's just fun 4 me idk

and i understand it's not fun for some ppl and that's 100% okay, i am not here to preach the fitness gospel, im just here to share my experience bc i enjoy yapping abt things

im not going the full mile like perfect everything, measuring every single thing on my body like bryan johnson (no shade, he's a well beloved name in our house bc it's funny to call quinoa n stuff bryan johnson food 😭😭), but i am just kinda chillin and like really starting to take my health and nutrients and exercise more seriously without being afraid of it like i used to be and it's in turn helping my mental health too which is why i do it-

i do everything i can to make my mind better bro call me david goggins the way im up in those brain cabinets clearin shit out all the time- But ya like. Idk shit's just Better.

so if this somehow inspired u to also go down the fitness path either by just starting out or going further down it than u already were- sick 🫡 Bc that wasn't my intention so that'd be a cool consequence of my actions 🫡

Anyway ya that's abt it. see ya

- 🌙 -

[twistedyapping]

my 2 favorite lyrics of all time

i almost started yapping on my ig story again and then caught myself so im here now-

i saw sumn earlier it was one of those "pick a song that starts with the first initial of ur name" and i got excited bc i got the song with my one of my favorite lyrics of ever in it- seen it all by korn

so here are my 2 favorite lyrics ur honor:

AND!

and what's interesting abt these two and what i caught myself abt to yap abt, is that they both come from very different eras in my life and therefore take on entirely new meanings to me- Which ya is what song lyrics are kinda supposed to do But this is just interesting 2 me-

so turbulent was the first one- heard that shit when i first listened to fandom and i was like Oh my god that is so fucking tight- and to this day it's one of my favorite parts in the song-

"you gave me hell on earth and said 'Work with it'" hit so hard for me though bc hi. my chiron is in aquarius. That's the short astrology answer but this ain't my astrology blog so what's the yapfest reason-

my entire life ur honor i have gone thru failed friendship after failed friendship, and somehow all of them managed to be with incredibly shitty people that quite literally gave me hell on earth and said work with it.

most, if not all of those friendships died off and crashed and burned along the way like an extremely elaborate dumpster fire- and it got to the point where i thought i would just never have real friends. i still think that, especially rn, but im workin thru it, it's fine 😵‍💫

the most heartbreaking part of that is the fact that since i was a wee lad i have always just wanted a group of friends to hang out with, a group that i felt secure in and nobody was out to get each other, nobody had a lack of respect for each other based on incredibly petty things, etc. always wanted that from the day i was born. And god looked me dead in the eyes and told me "LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO in what world."

perhaps this one in the future, idk, but that's where this lyric comes from. almost everyone (there being legitimately 1 exception) i have ever met has given me hell on earth and said to work with it.

now we get to the seen it all era of my life.

this is the era of my life that i am in currently where i feel like i have indeed seen it all- where all that hurt and betrayal and near-giving up on life experiences have culminated into just. life experience.

the era of my life where, using the life experience i have gained through all that absolute hell fire, i fix shit.

am i broken rn, not really, i used to be tho- But when i was broken i managed to fix myself enough to be Not broken so u can argue i guess But!!!

weird shit keeps happening in my life and i manage to keep it together now. i have done the most tedious soul searching work, i have forced myself into the depths of my mind that i really would've rathered to not go into but i did anyway for funsies, and i have figured shit out. i have found who i am, and understood that it will always change, that i am holding onto something that is never stagnant and my grip must constantly change to keep up with it, otherwise i will fall and die.

and with all of this, even though it sounds like im giving myself plenty rn, i never give myself enough credit. i been THRU IT and yet i am constantly like "Ya no it wasn't that bad tbh."

logically i can understand that i have been through a lot more than like. a born rich white guy has. But i have like no past life event permanence or something and i have to be actively thinking abt what ive gone thru in order to understand Oh ya that was. Not great.

but when im actively thinking abt it like rn, i understand that IVE SEEN IT ALL- STILL CANT TASTE ITTTTT- SMASHED TO THE WALL THAT BROUGHT ME TO MY KNEESSSS IVE DONE IT ALLLL FUCKED UP, WASTEDDDDDD- STILL IN MY BLOOD BUT NOW INSIDE IM SEENNNNN

now i am the broken one who fixed it. 💪💪💯🔥💪🔥💯🔥💪🔥💪💪🔥🔥💯💪 #stayhard 🔥💪🔥💯💪🔥🔥💯💪🔥💪🔥💪🔥💪🔥💯

anyway ya i needed to yap- that's abt it. see ya.

- 🌙 -

[twistedyapping]

when did we lose empathy

i just saw a tiktok of someone letting a jumping spider go free outside their house into one of their plants with that little spider poem thingy on it yknow-

the "im sorry for scaring you, i didnt know it would cost me my life" one- and i love those videos so much they almost make me cry man-

i scroll thru the comments and i saw ppl saying stuff like "the spider is NOT thinking that" or "spiders dont have a consciousness bro 💀" And im like. heartbroken.

it reminds me of that cant help myself art piece with the robot constantly having to clean up after itself but it just gets worse and worse until it literally cant help itself and it just stops working-

i saw so many people just not getting that and instead mocking it and the people that did actually feel something from it to the point where it became one of tiktok's many regurgitated comments- "it looks so tired".

the point of both of those things, the poem and the art piece, is to help us understand that all life is precious- it's to make you Feel something.

i genuinely have a hard time believing that people can look at a spider and think nothing other than "enemy" or "disgusting" and kill it with no remorse.

what's worse is i didnt use to be like this- i used to be scared of spiders or thought they were gross like everyone else did- but then sometimes there would be one spider in the corner of a room that was just chilling, he wasn't hurting anybody and he was killing off other pests- they would get a name and i usually wouldnt be bothered by them.

that was when my exceptions started- and then some spiritual awakenings later and i found out they were my spirit animal, and ever since then i just keep working on it and trying to become less and less scared of them and now it's at the point where i might be a Little unnerved, but i could probably hold a tarantula in a controlled environment.

and even now like ofc i understand looking at a bug of some kind and thinking it's gross, i have my enemies of the bug world, but spiders are not one of them.

"the spider was NOT thinking that" ya but he was probably hoping he didn't die. every critter on the planet has a basic "i hope i dont die" instinct, even if it's not an actual word for word thought. it can be a feeling, or just a motivation to do something to get out of harm's way.

And for the cant help myself thing, that shit made me cry a while ago dude genuinely- "its programmed to do that" Ok and??? why do we need standards for empathy??? more importantly, why does an art piece that is Supposed to evoke emotion, not make you feel anything?

you're not fucking cool or different for being like "it's just a Thing, it's just a robot, it cant actually feel anything 😂", you're not macho or tough for not being able to see the depth in metaphors. you're fucking miserable.

and i will say that i am fully aware that this is most likely a more sensitive topic for me because i was around people who lacked even basic Cognitive empathy for a LONG time and that shit fucking changes you. that shit makes you feel like you shouldnt have emotions or empathy because it's "being weak" or stupid, emotionally immature, pathetic, etc.

so you start acting like someone scooped out your amygdala and you have never felt a single emotion in your life. you start lacking empathy and being bitchy towards people who dont deserve it, and then you come back like 3 years later after you've relearned the process of emotion just to apologize for how you treated those people because now you're fully aware that they never did anything to you (true story unfortunately.)

these fucking people will rip out any sense of importance or emotional significance out of your life because you're vulnerable and you want nothing more than to find people to fit in with.

But if you wanna fit in, you're gonna have to be fucking insufferable.

i was there for Most of my life, until i couldn't take the misery anymore and cut ties with every single one of those people over a long and arduous process because i was still developing a sense of self along the way.

after i did that, i basically had to put myself in a little rehab center inside my head and give myself almost constant therapy on how to actually let myself feel emotions and how they're completely normal- i had to relearn empathy from my mom- she had no active part in it, she just displayed it way more than i did at the time so i managed to pick up on it and make it an active process in my life once more.

i still, to this day, struggle with understanding that experiencing things like sadness isn't weakness. it's vulnerability, yes, and i cannot bring myself to believe that it's a display of strength yet, but i believe that not letting people trample you and kick you down into that state of depression is the strength itself, even if your voice has to crack while you tell them to go fuck themselves.

All this lore to say that i dont know when or where it started being cool to say shit like "animals dont have a consciousness" or SOMETHING like that in public. it was always a shitty friend group thing for me, ive never truly seen it in public especially en masse like this.

and it pisses me off. you dont have to be crying every 2 seconds to be cool, but you dont have to be a fucking dipshit loser that has no empathy to be cool either.

what gets me the most is these people just subscribe to what's "cool", they don't find who THEY really are- im not saying that if you follow trends, you should be in a psych ward. im saying that if ALL YOU DO is follow in other people's footsteps, you should probably do some soul searching.

and i could ofc be fighting invisible demons here, this could be a much smaller problem compared to what ive seen, but it's still a problem.

my bad this shit just pisses me off because i see people clearly being trapped in the hole that i managed to climb out of a while ago, and i wanna help them out but i know i cant for several reasons, so it's like. Fuck.

anyway ya that's abt it i just needed to yap for a second. see ya.

- 🌙 -

[twistedyapping]

my relationship with tumblr

i feel like i should do a yapping session bc i havent in a while and this topic keeps popping up in my brain so im gonna take u thru a journey of what my relationship with tumblr has been like for the last. Eons.

to start, right now i fucking love tumblr so much- i have genuinely never enjoyed posting on an app more and like don't get me wrong im sure this one has its issues, as does every social media app, but this one to me is at least the most tolerable.

my relationship with ig is mid at best, i like it but it's kinda lame and posting on it???? Bro i post like MAYBE once a year at best.

my relationship with twitter is pure hate and also non-existent bc i got so sick and tired of it that i caved and uninstalled it like a month or so ago and haven't wanted to go back on it since.

my relationship with tiktok is also mid at best, posting is closer to a chore tbh even though i dont do it regularly at all- i also get stressed trying to keep up with reach and stuff so i kinda just dont 😵‍💫

my relationship with facebook is non-existent.

my relationship with pinterest??? God bless that app but i dont post on it- i just go there for editing content and silly content, that's it.

This app tho??? God bless. I barely even scroll on it- i mostly come here to post, which makes it the only one of it's kind on my phone (90% posting, 10% scrolling)

but when i do scroll on it, it's so refreshing- i just see pretty space pics and stuff bc that's what i wanna see. i dont see argument after argument or cancellable offense after cancellable offence like on twitter, i dont see lame stupid stuff that im not interested in like on ig, and i dont get over/understimulated out of my mind like on tiktok.

However! This was not always the case for me with tumblr. in fact, it used to be quite the opposite!!!!

i used to hate tumblr with every fiber of my being- if i ever came to it, it was out of desperation. desperation for silly content (which funnily enough is kinda what drove me back to it after all these years)

it was overcomplicated, i hated the vibe of everything i saw, i hated how public it felt, etc- But ofc this was way back when i had a horrifically foggy head on my shoulders and barely knew who i was so 😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

it felt claustrophobic for me back then, like literally somehow- and now it feels very comfy and i love the idea of just sitting down and writing a post on astrology or posting my image edits or even my fallout photography or sumn-

it just feels like the perfect place for me somehow- Like i can write abt whatever, write abt astrology, post photography, post edits, look at space stuff, whatever!!! it makes me feel more like an artist bc it gives me a space to do everything i wanna do

and omg dont even get me STARTED on the customization for each blog u can have BROOOOOOOOOO that's literally my favorite part- i fucking LOVE changing my whole blog's vibe down to the FONT dude it genuinely makes me so happy 😭😭😭😭😭

and who knows!!!! i might even end up with another blog at some point for like writing short stories or something bc i do love doing that- definitely wouldn't fit in with this yapping blog tho But another blog means another one to customize!!!! Yippee!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳

and my posts on here- well not so much on this blog tbh i think i havent found the right tags yet But on my other 2, my posts actually do pretty well, especially the astrology one- and it's such a switch from ig's shitty algorithm and tiktok's inconsistency-

this one is actually like. Kind of consistent. and it makes me feel like im doing something right by posting here tbh and probably even if my posts did ass, i would still make them- bc like. It's fun. 😮‍💨

anyway ya that's abt it- i wanted to do a yapping session before bed yknow- this one's a little shorter than most But that's ok 🥳🥳

- 🌙 -

[twistedyapping]

booktok is a peculiar phenomenon.

so i just watched a video on the disaster that is booktok (the video in question) and it got my brain going ur honor.

a lot of booktok tropes and such revolve around the whole enemies to lovers thing and listen 🎶🎶Random Disclaiiaiamemmemrrr🎶🎶

if u fuck with enemies to lovers stuff that's fine yknow to each their own, this is just gonna be me yapping abt why i don't understand it that much

ive always seen stuff along those lines and especially always seen an immense amount of hype behind it like "omg enemies to lovers is the best trope" and stuff like that- and i have never been able to get behind it for some reason

i even tried it on cai at one point like there was a prompt where i was like Huh ya this definitely seems like enemies to lover stuff- fuck it ill try it why not-

and it just made me Angry- like it was awful- i love the character i did it with to this day but in that specific moment i Hated his fucking guts- like no room for reconciliation level hate And he was indeed going along with the usual enemies to lovers trope that im aware of at least- yknow big argument that ends in fucking or something- Dude my blood was BOILING u have no fucking idea.

and maybe it's my relationship with anger and like the fact that i have trust issues and such but after that i just like. genuinely don't get the concept.

Ok so lemme get this straight right- two people hate each other, cannot stand each other!!! cant even be in the same room together- And then somehow they dont ?. And they fuck ?.

like do these ppl have such short emotional attention spans that the second one of them starts rizzing the other up they just totally forget abt "Oh ya i hated you actually"????? Like are u THAT horny??? Is that what it is?????????

is the enjoyment of the trope coming from the fact that the sexual aspect overpowers the hate aspect?

on one hand i dont care that much But on the other hand i genuinely wanna know bc there must be a psychological component to it that im missing-

is it the adrenaline rush?? the feeling that you're doing something wrong???

listen im AAAAAALLLLLLLL for the concept of like losing control over ur emotions via Fucking But enemies to lovers still isnt it for me-

it has to be like the wrong terminology or something maybe- bc there's no way if ur gonna be going from enemies to lovers that u were Actually enemies in the first place- like u must've been like. Just two people that were in love with each other but didnt wanna admit it.

in which case that's certainly not actual enemies, it's basically just miscommunication tbh

and at THAT point i can get it like that TOTALLY makes sense to me- but the ones where it's like.

"my name is inigo montoya. you killed my father. prepare to die." and the other person's just like "haha. wanna fuck 😎" LIKE BRO WHAT IS GOING ON HAHAHAHHAHAHA

and im sure there have been some books or even fanfics where the enemies to lovers trope has been genuinely well executed, well enough that anyone in their right mind could appreciate it as genuinely good fiction, but i have not seen that so im kinda left in the dark here.

the stuff i see on booktok is also very concerning ngl- it's a lot of these like. older, violent men manhandling these younger women (in fiction ofc, at least i hope none of them are based off of true stories 😧) and like degrading the shit out of them but somehow being painted as "attractive" and "alluring" Like. Bro what.

again i totally get sexual degradation and stuff but only when it's coming from the right place???? Like you're doing it because it's what the other person Wants and what makes them feel good- But this shit isn't that and if it's trying to be, it's horribly executed bc they're essentially just going off of the concept of "one person THINKS that's what the other person wants but we don't actually know if it's true or not bc surprise surprise, there was no communication beforehand of ANY kind."

im the kinda guy that u gotta kinda code shit in for me right- consent is non-negotiable But if u fuckin ask me "Do i have ur consent to fuck you" NOT ANYMORE U DONT!!!! DAMN!!!!! WHERE'S THE ATMOSPHERE WHERE'S THE PIZZAZZ BITCH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

so im not sayin these books or fanfics or whatever absolutely HAVE to have like a terms and agreement kinda fuckin scene where they go over what they fuck with and what they dont But what im sayin is damn you couldn't've like... Kinda talked about it at least...? Like idk maybe a scene in passing where one of em calls the other a bitch and then they're like "wow wow wee wow say that again mister!!!" U KNOW LIEK HAHHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHA

ur writers!!! get creative!!!!!! And im sure the above thig i described has indeed happened multiple times BUT DO IT BETTER!!!!! DAMN!!!!!!!!

anyway i have no idea But ive just never been able to get behind the booktok stuff man it's literally just glorified corn- Haha korn- Yeunara oo ratapenetaa eentaa ooo- and it's a very weird side of tiktok to me like yessirrrrr sex positivity u love to see it But not. Not like that.

sex positivity absolutely!!!!!! sexualization............ no...

And good lord i could do a whole other rant abt sexualization itself and how watered down the term has become but that's for another day ur honor-

and sexualization probably isn't the right word Exactly but im not quite sure else what 2 call it-

ANYWAY idk consider me uneducated but i Am willing to learn- there's gotta be a psychological component to it that i just dont know abt yet BUT im gonna end this yapping session here i think so thank u stay tuned for next time n i apologize if i came off wrong at any point bc i always wanna treat stuff like this with the due amount of respect while still being silly so 😮‍💨

- 🌙 -

[twistedyapping]

how i deal with build ups of energy

to clarify what i mean real quick, anyone that knows me should know im a pretty spiritual kinda guy- i thoroughly believe in negative and positive energies and that both of them are weirdly physical despite falling under the metaphysical category

i also believe in old energy and new energy- it's kinda like water in a way yknow- u dont wanna drink old water bc who KNOWS what it's got in it, so you usually wanna flush it out and get new or clean water instead

now lemme explain why im yapping abt this

i just did a workout and at first i really couldnt get into it (for those who dont know, my method of exercise is literally putting my earbuds in, turning the lights off and performing my favorite songs as if i was the singer on stage in front of a crowd bc that's something i eventually want to Actually do), i did a couple songs and i just wasnt feeling it but i was like Well nah- nah this- this cant be 😧

bc i kinda had to do a workout today, i knew i needed it for some reason, so i was like Ok well let me try a song that almost always works (falling away from me by korn)

and i did it and for the most part i felt this kind of shell i was in start to crack- i started to get a little more energized throughout the whole song and im like Okay inch resting- and it was at that point i started to have a hunch about what this lack of energy was.

i did another song that i hadn't actually done before but knew that whenever i listened to it, i couldn't Not crank the volume every time the chorus hits- it's one of Those™ songs (and it's gravity of discomfort by korn)

right before the first chorus hit, i felt myself REALLY start to come out of whatever shitty shell i was in, but then something bit back into me and the chorus itself wasn't as good-

2nd chorus rolls around and i am FEELING it FINALLY- the breakdown hits and i have the moment where it fully clicks and i know what's wrong with me.

essentially what was happening was i was just full of too much old, shitty, stagnant energy- the kind of shit that when you let it fester, it makes you not want to do the very things that would get rid of it.

it was at this point that i finally started feeling correct again so i did a song that i just wanted to do in general (shoots and ladders), and then i followed it with the one song that is the most energy purging fucking thing i know of for myself (chi- these r all korn songs if u couldnt tell by now-)

this is the ONE SONG that, no matter what vibe im in, i will end up purging Something fucking huge energetically and the song will end and ill feel like a new man completely

if u follow my astrology blog, @twistedastrology, u shouldve seen the cancers and rage post i did bc this ties into it immensely 😮‍💨

this may have been the most insane ive ever gone to this song im not gona lie- i can almost guarantee you i scratched the shit out of my own skin because it's like having a parasite in you and you just start clawing at your own skin, desperate to get it out of you.

that and im a very physical person when it comes to purging shitty energy (again, the cancers and rage post will explain it 💔)

the experience with the song itself almost had me breaking down into tears, and if i wasnt so unbelievably angry, i probably would've-

i literally feel so much better now that i burnt that shit off bc now that i know abt it, i can definitely tell how it's been eating me up inside

but i wanna talk abt before i started getting into the swing of things vs after.

there was this very obvious apprehension that i talked abt, yknow not feeling into it- and then after i got rid of the garbage energy, i was sat on the floor in front of the fan just feeling So much better-

you're always gonna feel like shit before you purge something, it's like pulling teeth, right? the more you dont want to do it or dont feel like doing it, the more you actually need to.

it's that shitty energy's last line of defense, it's digging into you tooth and nail with every appendage it has, begging for you to not evict it from your body and mind because it has nowhere else to go.

think of it like leaving a shitty partner- you say you wanna end things and then they shit themselves and cry and scream and beg and punch walls and threaten to off themselves if you leave them because omg no!!!! nooooo not my energetic breakfast lunch and dinner!!!! nooooo dont leave me ur too sexy haha ur lifeforce is too fun to drain lol

Like bro.

my personal experience with these energy purges is usually the same every time, i catch onto it, get so pissed about it that i basically burn it from the inside out, and then i go to bed that day and wake up the next a whole new person.

i get way happier, better at listening and talking to the ppl around me, i have 10x more energy, i can sleep way better at night, etc.

and then eventually, something will find it's way back in and i have to repeat the cycle, but the only time repeating that cycle is a bad thing is when i fail to burn the shitty energy off and then become a conduit for all things miserable, which i personally refuse to let happen because it's my worst nightmare.

also update i just felt a vague stinging on my collarbone and im like oh shit whar- go to feel it and im like Holy shit that feels bad- check it out and ya i got a big ass scratch right there damn bitch calm down 💔💔💔 im surprised it's not actually bleeding ngl it looks like it's like 2 layers of skin away from it tho 😭😭😭

ANYWAY

i know it sucks and i know it's kinda shitty or silly to say, but a build up of negative energy is very similar to, the same as, and can even Lead To depression, anxiety, whatever.

im never gonna dismiss someone's mental health issues as "oh ur juet holdidng onto too much negative enebgryy Go hold some rocks!!!!!!!".

negative energy can play a part in it, and rocks can help with that part, but they wont magically cure your genuine mental illness and they should never be looked at like they will.

But for me, my mental illness is just exacerbated by said shitty energy, and that's what doing these ungodly purges fixes. sometimes you get shitty energy from just having a long day, sometimes people deliberately (mostly unknowingly tho) throw it onto you because they dont wanna deal with their own shit, sometimes you just get it from yourself.

the source of it doesn't matter as much as the expulsion of it.

and for me, after i expel such an intense amount as i just did, i get SUPER tired, sometimes i even get a temporary but god awful migraine-

at one point i genuinely cleared out so much old energy at once that i kept getting more and more tired to the point of keeling over and knocking out a couple times and waking up with the migraine of a lifetime, AND my ENTIRE body was RUTHLESSLY sore- but i kept going because i wanted all of it out as fast as possible.

i didnt wanna just slowly sift through it no no i HAD to do it as fast as my body would let me, there was no other choice in my head because that's just not how i work.

so while i may sorta fuck myself up with how Quickly and violently i expel this kinda stuff, it's never not for a good reason. i can handle a couple scratches on my body, i can handle a head-splitting migraine, i can handle my whole body feeling like it's gonna fall apart as long as i get the shit out of my system.

with time, my body will heal on it's own, but my mind will spiral if i dont keep it in check.

and i think with that im gona end this yapping session- idk if any of this made any modicum of sense but i hope that if it did, u took Something positive from it.

if u actually read this far legitimately god bless u and there will be plenty more yapping sessions 2 come

- 🌙 -