uegcinternational

[uegcinternational]

I'm sick to my stomach.

I'm so over this fake ass love.

[uegcinternational]

2017, August 29

I must admit. My last relationship tore me to shreds. Not because he hurt me, really. I’d like to deem it mutual in regards to the love I have for him. But because, I can picture his daily life and it hurts me to know he’s okay without me. His ego and pride refuses to have him reach out. I miss him with every fiber of my being. Without social media (this doesn’t count because I have no friends here) this month I am truly surfacing all these emotions of pain and utter concern of what the hell happened to us. We were suppose to be on top of the world and last forever. I think I rushed it. I think my insecurities caused me to find comfort in him by being in his life more than I should have been at the times we were together. I was playing wife instead of girlfriend because I didn’t want to lose him. I should have been more confident. More distant. I should have let him miss me a little longer- want me a little more. I was there at his every beck and call. Whatever he wanted and whenever he wanted. I was wrapped around his finger so he did his way with me. I was respected less. Wanted less. Missed less. And my value decreased. We argued more. Disagreed more. He disliked me more and more and more. I wish I could do this all over again. I don’t want to feel this pain I do. One day I know it’s in the universe for me. But I need to just focus. I need nothing more than to follow my dreams. If he is at the finish line then so be it. You were everything I ever wanted my love. Thank you and I’m sorry. I Hope life gives you everything that puts a smile on that face and love in that heart.

I miss you.

Everyday.

From the bottom of mine.

[uegcinternational]

2016, 25 October

“ I love you “

He says....

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Three days after he packed her things and told her to get out of his house.

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She Stays Quiet...

He questions her pause.

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The expressiveness and openness of her conversation causes him to fall asleep in frustration. He’s not much of a fixer upper.

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The clock strikes 12.

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“Happy Anniversary”

She says. 

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In silence, he rests.

In silence, she remains restless.

- There’s no such thing as love -

[uegcinternational]

2017, May 30

So many events that grew unexplainable.

Being in love makes me passive.

I was too emotionally invested in you. Too much. More than you were for me.

I remember the last week we were together ...

there was one day specifically when we woke up and you followed me to the bathroom to brush our teeth. I put the toothpaste on my toothbrush and so you put out your toothbrush asking me to do the same for you..

But when I did, you pulled back and yelled - WHY SO DAMN MUCH.

I flinched. Stood quiet once again. Didnt understand.

But Now, every morning without you, when I put toothpaste on my toothbrush I wonder what is the right amount.

& so I stare at the toothpaste and wonder if it’s just me

... Am I just too damn much…

[uegcinternational]

2017, September 25

I’ve been healing all the wrong ways. It was just hard, you know? 

One day I had you forever and the next forever was nothing but a solid yesterday. 

I didn’t know the last time was the last time. 

I didn’t take it so well, I must admit.

[uegcinternational]

09 February 2019

Inside my head I’ve analyzed how much I enjoy the process of falling in love.

The process.

Because so far, the calming of the process hasn’t settled pretty well.

That knowledge has kept me single for some time now.

I’m excited to see what is in store for me.

Where the settlement is just as great as the process.

I’m trusting my path .

That it shall be when the time for me is meant.

[uegcinternational]

                Photo By Phil Chester

20 July, 2018

Its as if,

You never hurt me.

& it cant be true that woman love assholes.

…its just that… i fell in love with you.

In every which way possible.

Getting to know you was such a breath of fresh air, it was just the way we rushed.

I breathe the same air as you and some nights when im swindled in my own thoughts i feel as if you breathe my air too.

I was a better me with you.

&although im pretty fucking dandy without you..

Its hard to know that a laughter like yours exists in this world and I…

I am unable to hear the music it brings.

I am unable to feel the happiness it sings

Into this universe.

[uegcinternational]

2018, February 20

I cried in increments.

Within each memory flash.

Of how my flesh is loved more than

My worth.

I need to love myself more, to be loved correctly…

By people who are worthy of my love.

[uegcinternational]

2017, October

Thank you for reminding me that human beings are selfish. You have put your pride before me to the extremity of me having to deal with pain on my own. You made me remember that some people just don’t change and if they do it once they’re gonna continue. You showed me how to sleep upset. Careless. How someone who truly loves you wouldn’t let that happen. You taught me…

[uegcinternational]

2017, October 23

If there’s one thing I won’t do… It is making myself look desperate. Idc what we are or where we are at in the relationship but if i say something wrong and I’m on top of you about my apology and you don’t write back, that’s fine with me. I don’t beg for attention. It’s either given or mine is lost.

[uegcinternational]

2018 24 March

I’ve never been good at compliments…

Lately, I’ve been receiving the largest one of them all…

“what would i do without you”

Three days in a row, from three different humans, in three different worlds that I integrate myself with.

“everything”

I say in reply.

Because without me… they are still reaching the greatness that they are.

Without me, they are still one, they are still whole.

Without me they are everything that I am not.

But just for a second, I wish with all my heart, that I could feel the greatness that they speak of within me.

Just for one second I wish I had confidence enough to know my capabilities, my value, my worth, my strength.

I’m getting there slowly. I’m just nowhere near where I want to be.

I am lost, unhappy, not settling.

There’s nothing wrong with the process, but everything wrong with my view.

I am blind to my internal reflection, and I hide behind this “beauty” that I was blessed with, because that’s the only thing they see anyway.

What would I do without you

Everything..

[uegcinternational]

2018, December 17

Not every bridge burned needs to have it’s fire put out for closure.

[uegcinternational]

March 27, 2019

I live to be a masterpiece, eventually……

Working on myself to become one.

♥️♥️♥️

[uegcinternational]

Fix for Small Cabinets

Dimensions: 10.38 L x 15.63 W x 8.0 H inches

What is a kitchen without cabinet space? — Lovely but cluttered.

I am absolutely obsessed with making my life just a little bit easier than it was yesterday or even more organized. Sooooooo it’s time I start sharing to help people a little bit more — if I can!

What could you do to a kitchen cabinet that has room but not the room you need?

There are a few ideas but the main one most definitely would be to put a shelf in it!

“ Ugh, that sounds like too much work!!!”

I basically purchased two pop up wire shelfs on amazon for $12 each and changed my whole cabinet. Now not only is there nothing stacked on top of each other due to the lack of room, but I had the ability to take more items out the way and place them in the cabinets too.

Make sure you measure everything so you get the right size!

[uegcinternational]

Wallpaper Decal Blues

A project that could have taken days probably took less than an hour.

What exactly does it take to quickly get vinyl wallpaper off without hassle?

Grab some Downy, water, and a sponge. Combine the downy and water in a bucket or a bowl (whichever is easier for you) and peel the top layer for easier view (the picture of whatever the vinyl really is), then take the sponge and soak the section you are about to peel off.

When it is wet enough, take the backing rough part of the sponge and rub it on it, taking it off allowing the section to rise so you can slowly but surely peel off the rest.

This stops you from damaging the paint on the walls.

Thank me later ;)

[uegcinternational]

How does it Feel To Lose 7 Years of Dedication to a Pandemic?

It was 2017 and I worked so hard to get to where I was.

Everyone was telling me to go to my bachelors graduation and I said no.

— — Well, why would you do that?

Because I wasn’t done.

I refused to go ahead and celebrate a graduation for a chapter of my life I had yet felt that I had completed. I had 25% more to complete.

My gift to myself for graduating, getting into grad school, and getting a new job in my field — was a trip to London, Paris, and Barcelona — all in one go, with a bunch of strangers I’ve never met in my life.

I returned from that trip with a new full time job and the start of grad school. I spent the next two years straight busting my ass to be the best I can be and do the best I can do.

— — —

Side note — School always depressed me.

I always had to drop all of my favorite things just because I had an exam or a paper. Everything that I loved had to be left because school had to be completed. I had to get my masters by 25. In my head I had to, at least. I had to figure it out before life figured me out. I wanted to be settled before ever crashing. I never wanted to be lost in life with children, or broken because someone left me, or kicked me out, or anything of the sort.

— — —

I gave up everything for grad school. So much that it put me at the lowest low of my entire life.

Then I finally completed school in the Fall of 2019 and I never felt so free in my life.

With back and forth emails — I made sure that I could take part in the only Commencement Ceremony Available. Spring 2020.

Then….. Corona happened.

-

It’s so hard to put a smile on when I knew that this year was to be the biggest year of my entire life.

Since I started high school, I knew of my hopes and stability moves by 25. Now that I’m here I cannot believe life has taken its course like this. I am truly broken inside. All I can say is that I am trying to think of everything in the most positive way I can…….

Nothing is guaranteed.

You wait years to feel a specific way at the end of it all. To reach that very moment where you get to feel the completion and while looking so far ahead, you miss the journey.

The journey is over before you know it and the time has just passed you right before your eyes…

The end you were so ready to celebrate is taken from you, so now what?

--

With this all I can say is — you know how they say you’re the happiest when you have no expectations? Don’t have any for yourself either…. You will break your own heart.

Enjoy the journey. Be patient. Be understanding of each step. Drown within each step so your life doesn’t feel wasted. With all the steps I took — it should just be beautiful to know that I’ve reached this pinnacle in my life and I guess this is the only way I’ll treasure it. From within. & with this I’ll learn that from now on I really need to just appreciate the climb.

You should too.

It’s all about the present.

Have a plan — but live in the now — always.

B.T in Computer Networking & Security M.S in Digital Forensics & Cyber Security

[uegcinternational]

Following Unknown Dreams

Did I feel happy because I was free

or

free because I was happy?

What is it that makes me happy?

Adventures? Being somewhere new?

The feeling & ability of doing whatever I please?

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What makes me happy?

What is it that leaves me feeling incomplete — when it’s not completed?

What is the empty void… and how do I fill it?

Why does it all — at the end of the day — feel so unfulfilling?

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What do I love to do

and

Why am I not doing it?