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Hyper fem

When I started being aware of gender and the societal expectations of the sexes, I remember looking at my main example of womanhood (my mother) and seeing her always so unhappy. I definitely wanted to be a man when I grew up. Men seemed to have it a lot easier. But I was told I was a girl, told to be good and quiet and clean.

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So from a very young age, I tried to perform ‘femininity’. I would say things like ‘I’m going to get a boob job and a nose job when I’m older’ and ‘I know I’ll be a teenage mum’...... I was told that being a woman meant conforming to western beauty standards, providing children and striving to maintain youth, at whatever cost. I was very young when I had these ideas.. and the performance of femininity continued right up until I was in my early 20′s. Now, looking back I can see it so very clearly. How confusing all the messages were that were coming from the media, school, the adults around me. Why was I treated so differently because I was a ‘girl’. One of the reasons I decided non-binary felt the right fit for me, wasn’t to reject womanhood (the real womanhood, that is) but to reject the expectations placed on a AFAB body...

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Back once again

I had a great Vedic astrology reading around this time last year that I’ve just watched back. It was a natal chart reading, but the astrologer also included some current transit stuff. Super interesting and affirming to watch back.

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It’s just taken me about 3 months to get a natal chart reading out to someone, luckily a friend with a lot of patience. I have not had nearly enough time to study in the last few months. But I’ve done lots of other things; learnt how to grow vegetables in the ground, passed my driving test, moved to a new part of the country...  Eclipse seasons always make me so tired, and on top of that I am processing lots of grief and inner work.. the work never stops!

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I am having my first consultations for gender affirming surgery this month and starting to plan when the best time would be to be resting and healing from this. Thrilling and scary all at the same time. Since moving to a hotter country, I’ve really noticed my dysphoria progressing from just a tiny thought into something that frustrates me everyday. WILD

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Mars Mars Mars

I feel I spent a lot of time when I was younger being passive. It took consistent work, spiritual connections and activity to remind myself to take control, take action in certain areas. I never want to feel life passing me by. You can not passively have relationships or an income. They require decisiveness, motion. In order to reap the rewards of Venus, we must apply Mars themes. 

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But when have I leant into Mars too much, been too forceful? Where do I need to be diplomatic, how do I do that? When is it time to be more assertive in my actions or words? When would it be helpful to be softer? Not simply a mixture of these energies but also utilising the life force and energy I have nourished and cultivated. The balance is always re-adjusting.  My Mars return has just started, a new moon in Magha just gone. A new opportunity to find the equilibrium between action and inaction.

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Feelings of aggression and anger need to be tempered with calmness, healthy outlets and examining the darkest parts of myself. Recognising my material attachments versus my material needs. What keeps me alive? What drives me? Where are my actions most useful? How do I use my autonomy wisely? 

Mars in Taurus, Rahu in Aries, Mars profection year....

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The End (Of The Old) Is Near

Saturn back into Capricorn. Everyone's got you-know-what again.. There's a different virus to look out for.. The restrictions have changed again.. and again, the governments’ are distracted by their own politics. They are using trans people and refugees to distract distract distract from the real problem. Dissembling themselves, self-destructive energy (Aries pressure) 

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My Saturn Return is re-activated, and I'm reminded of the lessons, healing and loose ends. Saturn says, deal with this now. This is the time. Fifth house of creativity, inner child and play. Telling my inner child it will be okay, listening to what they need and offering support, reassurance, space.

Having creative ideas that will take years of work but still committing to doing that work every week. 

Having creative ideas and not knowing how to execute them (Saturn conjunct Rahu)

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I have been learning more about this Saturn placement, what it means to be conjunct other planets. How it interacts with them, changes their meaning to fit its’ own needs.

‘A life of suffering’ I hear. A lifetime of ‘having to deal with it’. As my return finishes I will be better at ‘dealing with it’ than ever before. Working with Saturn energy, instead of at odds it. Discipline, routine, patience.

Knowing the end result will be worth it. It’s not a painting I can do in a day. It’s a whole life lesson.

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Living in the 8th House

8th house profection year 8th house Aries Rahu, Mars and Uranus (and this week, the Moon) in Aries

Am I transforming, can I see it on my skin? Am I growing, like a plant tied to a wooden pole?

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Tiddies

Cancer rules the human breast.. nourishing, nurturing and compassionate. In conventional astrology they are associated with the mother, a womanly figure:  soft, feminine, comforting.

The symbol for Pushya is a cows udder. Teaching, healing, providing sustenance. As much as it might be ‘unflattering’ to compare human breasts to cows udders.. I like this imagery a lot more as a transgender person. (Pushya doesn’t explicitly rule human boobs. This is my interpretation..)  In astro-circles things can be very gendered and this makes me sad. It’s why I’m here.

Yes, you can be non-binary and have tiddies. Yes, you can be a cisgender man and have boobs. It’s okay to get top surgery if that’s what you need. And just because you don’t experience dysphoria about that part of your body doesn’t mean you are not trans.

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Internalised misogyny meant that the second I ‘got boobs’ when I was about 15, I couldn’t leave the house without a push-up bra on and always had to make sure I had cleavage on show. I really thought that what I looked like was the only thing I had to offer the world and appealing to the male gaze seemed of the highest importance. Now, more than 15 years later I don’t wear bras. They are so uncomfortable; and the more connected to my body I become, the more I realise the sensory issues I have with clothes. 

I think having boobs sucks, because of other peoples reaction to them. People looking at them and deciding your gender. People sexualising them..  Not being able to be topless whenever you want because of social taboos. For me, it can also be hard to find clothes that suit me and fit well - particularly without any tit support.

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All this to say, I have done a lot of work to understand my feelings about my chest. It’s been a journey!  I have decided to have a form of top surgery. It is linked with my gender journey: but even if I wasn’t non-binary, I think I’d still get surgery. I am having a non-flat procedure, more like an aggressive reduction.  I have recently moved to a country where operations like this are way more affordable, so this definitely helped me in making the final decision! However, I am still a few hundred coins off paying for this in full. I would like to set something up where I offer Vedic readings for a donation towards this. If this is something you would be interested in, please let me know. 

With love xxx

Photo credit: @iamelevenxx

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~is~

Success is community, being surrounded by love

Success is eating food you have grown from the ground

Success is creation for the sake of being creative

Success is going at your own pace

Success is not measured in finances or possessions

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~Success~

When success means you are sitting alone in a mansion with all your hoarded wealth and possessions

When success means working is your priority and you spend more time on that than anything else

When success means you are the same person today as you were ten years ago

When success means you put everyone else before yourself

You have failed.

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Venus Studies

It was recently my Venus return; a transit that I had not paid much attention to previously. It came right around the time I realised that pleasure had not been a priority in life. I was processing huge life events, mainly grief. 

‘Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. Grief is love with no place to go.’ ~ Jamie Anderson

The way that this grief impacted my expression of love makes sense to me now, but at the time it was unexpected. As love, grief consumed me and was so all encompassing, that I felt restricted in conveying passion. Once I had this realisation and sat down with this feeling, I journaled: ‘what does pleasure mean to me?’ and ‘where can I make more time for pleasure?’

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My natal Venus is square Mars and in a Nakshatra ruled by Mars.. I have a lot of energy for relationships of all kinds and enter them with passion. Most of the art I create and poetry I write is inspired by the highs and lows of the relationships I have. In the first few months of grief, I drew some heavy black ink drawings, painted dark stormy grey seas and did not pick up my camera for months, even through it was my favourite season to photograph (spring). I did not write any poetry, I couldn’t find the words

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After journaling my feelings about pleasure and noticing my behaviours around creativity and passion, I have begun to dance again, take nature photos and paint with brighter colours. In July this year I will move into my Venus Bhukti, and expect to continue lighter explorations of passions and pleasure. The grief will always be with me, but I definitely feel more ‘myself’ in these spheres of life. Pleasure (mine and others) is once again a priority

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I just wanted to thank everyone for the follows and love on my posts. It means a lot that I can even make one person smile or that they learn something from my words. Hope you are all well and Eclipse season treats you kindly <3

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We live our lives from one eclipse to another

‘When you aren’t taught the basics of how to be human in the world (the thing that adults are supposed to teach children) there is never a point then that knowledge just pops into your head when you need it. So your only option is self-teaching. One of the many problems that comes with having to be a self-taught human is that you usually cannot even know what it is you need to learn.’ - Lee, the Butch Anarchist 

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…And whenever you think you’re done learning, an eclipse happens. I am exhausted! Why did I think the energies would be lighter after the Kala Sarpa yoga and my Saturn return? The thing that has come up constantly in this lifetime, yet again hitting me in the face once more. When I need to communicate how I feel, when it is vital for my wellbeing, mental health and relationships... it never comes out in a way that is helpful or sensible. Whether it’s timing, wording or actually not saying anything at all. My feelings were never validated as a child; I never had the space or support to talk in the way I needed to, and as an adult I have been faced with many instances where this has had a detrimental effect on my relationships

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I feel like no matter how much therapy, self inquiry or practise I put in, communication at times feels like this impossible concept that I often don’t understand. I have a Mercury ruled Moon; talking is a huge part of how I process my emotions, I love communication and am always encouraging other people to talk about their feelings, whether that’s to me or to someone else. When it comes to myself it just seems a lot more complicated. I am autistic, so I am having to accept that it might always be an uphill struggle to make myself understood. My 20′s were the time when I learnt the hard way a lot and discovered that I needed to put work into communicating my feelings. Actually learning it is a whole other chapter..

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Hinduism as the scriptures point to the difference between the soul and the flesh. The soul has no gender. Gender comes from the flesh. The unenlightened value the flesh, hence gender, over the soul. Such a unenlightened being values the male flesh over the female flesh, the young flesh over the old flesh, flesh encased in fair skin rather than dark skin, the property owned by that flesh, the family to which that flesh belongs, the stature of that flesh in society.The enlightened see the flesh purely in functional terms: they venerate both the devadasi, who offered her body to everyone, and the sanyasi, who offered his body to no one.

Hindu mythology makes constant references to queerness, the idea that questions notions of maleness and femaleness. There are stories of men who become women, and women who become men, of men who create children without women, and women who create children without men, and of creatures who are neither this, nor that, but a little bit of both, like the makara (a combination of fish and elephant) or the yali (a combination of lion and elephant). There are also many words in Sanskrit, Prakrit and Tamil such as kliba, napumsaka, mukhabhaga, sanda, panda, pandaka, pedi that suggest a long familiarity with queer thought and behaviour.

- Devdutt Pattanaik

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Receiving to Give

After a little over a year of studying Vedic astrology, I felt ready to look at someone else’s chart in more depth. Looking at it on its own and not within a quick Synastry test.  I can imagine that studying someone's chart who you know is actually more difficult then someone that you don’t. Instead of considering many points for each placement, I started to look for the things I could relate to that person.  I realised I needed to find the right balance between reading my own interpretation and confirmation bias. I studied research as part of my degree, so in a way it reminded me about that

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I’ve only had two chart readings before, the first one was around a year ago and this was a PDF of my chart, with some interpretations of the planets, signs and house placements. By this time, I already knew all of this. There was nothing that Google couldn’t tell me. That’s not to say I don’t appreciate the Astrologer who put it together for me; she confirmed what I already knew; more than that, that I knew more than I thought I did

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After some time of studying, my appreciation only grew for astrologers and the work they put into each reading. I was interested offering chart readings myself, but I realised I needed to experience a ‘live’ reading, to see how other astrologers interpreted and conveyed the information of each chart.  The second reading I received was face-to-face (over Zoom(!)) and the astrologer offered a more thematic reading, going deeper into my nakshatra placements and dasha period.  I knew it was important to book this reading. That I couldn’t start offering them without experiencing one myself. I’m nearly ready!

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Sit In The Moon

BREATHE, more and more, everyday. Blink and see; get lost in music where time will pass in an instant. Chase the sun, sit in the moon and release your fears to the wind. Focus on a feeling, the feeling that makes you cry with happiness. Fill your mind with beautiful visions. Dance; this time is yours, make of it what you will. You are a powerful soul and you will create and create spaces of love. Regenerate earth, nurture life. Build and grow with trees. Flow alongside waters. The world needs you and you need the world.

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Ketu Karma

Ketu's energy is sometimes expressed as behaviour of someone who does not want to be involved in a material reality. It represents separation and can bring sudden change and transformation. If I look back at the last few Ketu transits, I can see where it has shaken things up, removed or reshuffled the topics of the house it has moved through. In its latest transit, Ketu moved through my third house: representing siblings and communication

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It was during this transit that my only birth sibling decided to cut all contact with me. This was mildly communicated via email, but mostly just implied in conversation with other family members. I believe this is the result of the generational trauma we inherited and that our relationship is a karmic one. I know that if we don’t heal ourselves in this life (separately or together), the lessons will come back to us in another incarnation and be passed down to future generations .

Ketu removes things (possessions or people) from our material worlds in order to force us to go deeper into our spirituality. This transit has forced me to heal family matters on a new level, whereas before I felt stuck in between healing and people pleasing. I have been able to admit things to myself that before I could not bear to think about, have reached into the depths of my resilience and found new meaning in loss. Of course my Ketu Bhukti was also active at this time, something I am only beginning now to understand more of. My relationship to, and my respect for the Karmic nodes only grows stronger...

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Is Jupiter the Guru?

So, there isn’t too much easy-to-find information about Sidereal or Vedic astrology. And some of the information I do find is heavy with cis or heteronormativity... Why does it matter what sex I was assigned at birth? No, my Jupiter placement does not signify my future husband...

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Therefore, I am super grateful to Christine Rodriguez, her podcast ‘Astrology Now’ and Dayna Lynn Nuckolls ‘The Peoples Oracle’ for her workshops, astrology guides and being eloquent on Twitter. I also follow other Sidereal astrologers on Twitter and Patreon and these resources have been my main objects of study. I love that I could research astrology every day for 50 years and will still constantly have moments that leave me speechless

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Most of the learning I have done is self-taught and so I am on the search for a Guru, a teacher: someone to guide me in deepening my knowledge. I have so many questions every day and my Google searches are getting out of control! 

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Perhaps all this Piscean energy is giving my Jupiter the push it needs to fully reveal itself to me. Perhaps the Jupiter in my chart represents that Guru I have been searching for.. Perhaps its transit in Pisces will bring this forth for me.. 

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Why Sidereal?

Reading about my Punarvasu moon: ‘intellectualising can become a defence mechanism to avoid having to deal with situations or make decisions’ I have never related to anything more in my life. But this was not the first time  something from astrology made me sit open mouthed, staring off into ‘space’ 

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I always had a vague interest in what the moon was doing, where we were in the cycle. And then later discovering birth charts and reading about each aspect and planet. Then, synastry and pouring over all the points of connection or resistance. But I could never find anything relatable or personable in Western astrology and honestly, the lack of depth bored me. When I found Vedic Sidereal, everything seemed to make so much more sense

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Ketu and Rahu have moved on so I can no longer blame the almost obsessive research of the last year on their transit. Without wanting to intellectualise it, I have a strong ninth house that (I think) got activated..  Anyway this is a place for me to rave about Astrology so I can stop confusing my friends and family and save my journal for my deepest secrets ;)