Welcome to my (not so) inner dialogue, stream of consciousness if you will.
Some of it is what I scribble down when I have too much in my head to keep inside.
Some of it is the work of others I find consolation in and the various media I get myself lost in, aka where I fangirl.
Read it if you like, but I'm really just sending these thoughts and feelings into the void.
We all learn these scripts from our parents/families.
What did my parents teach me? To avoid conflict and just let your emotions overwhelm you until you’re weeping uncontrollably, and probably talking about the issue to people not at all involved and whom you can’t solve the problem with.
it honestly blows my mind that there are real life people in this world who don’t experience mental illness. they don’t want to kill themselves. they don’t cringe when someone moves too fast. they don’t have missing chunks of time. they don’t panic over nothing. they don’t sit up all night worrying that they’re silently dying for no real reason. they don’t hear and see things that aren’t there. they don’t drive randomly all over the place just to make sure a car isn’t following them. I can’t believe these people exist.
can we just take a moment to appreciate this feline terrorist’s grace and flawless ability to reposition its entire body without moving it’s head, at all.
Beneath all the crackpot schemes and casual affairs, your passion lies in the wisdom you gain in life, and nothing is bad news if you were able to grow from it. Your ability to passionately dish out things you know or have experienced can be the envy of so many people. Sadly, some people feel you’re just being a wise-guy, but you know you were just having a bit of fun, and it doesn’t hurt to be smart when you’re having a bit of fun. People need to just cut loose and enjoy a bit of fire that your passion for life causes.
Sagittarius Traits
You aren’t much of a homebody unless you are tending to their wounds. You need a place where you can recharge so a safe, open environment is something you need despite your need for freedom and adventure. You wander far but come home to the one you trust the most and feel safest in. Everything else is temporary for you.
I will not trade access to my body like it is a commodity.
I love him.
I also love having sex with him.
When he disappears it is frustrating, but it doesn’t change my feelings or how I want to be when I do get to be with him.
I am lucky enough to find love and sex and support in various places. So when he needs to hide, that’s okay. It also allows me my freedom.
I would like my friends to understand that. I would like them to see that this relationship, like most of mine, does not necessarily fit into the context of what society originally programmed us to want.
Although I know they voice these things because they care, I do appreciate that.
One of those days, Or perhaps one of those seasons, Where she couldn't quite decide the best way to cry for help, Because she wasn't sure who she wanted it from.
“I’m trying; it’s just going to take me some time. It doesn’t come as naturally to me as to you.”
The boyfriend.
“Sounds like it’s not excited, you’re not attracted to him, but it’s comfortable.”
“You can’t stay with someone who takes an emotional beating like that, unless they return it in some way.”
A new, intuitive, friend.
“You can’t fight your instincts”
Me, about something in the new friend’s life - only to later realize it may also apply to my own.
The boyfriend’s lack of enthusiasm, and reluctant response to my desire for poly relationships has felt like a delay tactic. As if, consciously or not, he wants to avoid getting into this situation until we reach a point where it will either disappear or explode.
And I keep having these moments when I don’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend. When I am completely fed up with his jealously, which is of course rooted in his own insecurity and exasperated by my previous attempts to cut and run (see quote # 2 from my new friend).
So now I’m avoiding talking about a trip we are, or were, planning together. I suggested it. I was so excited. I thought it would be so great for both of us.
And now I don’t want to talk about it.
Except I also plotted out how I might do it if I go on my own.
Things have not been bad. I have not been unhappy. And yet...
So the company I work for hired a consultancy group to put together our holiday events. I, as the customer service rep with events experience, have gotten to liaise with them.
And I think the consultant running things was flirting with me at our first event... and we’re planning on getting a drink together later. But I’m not sure if it’s a date.
This is especially complicated by the fact that we are continuing to work together and figure out what management wants with the events going further. So our conversation is mostly about that.
Guess I’ll figure it out as we go... and determine how much I have to explain about my open/poly relationship as well.
Hey there Tumblr, I know it’s been a while. Seems I’ve fallen out of the habit of spilling my guts online. So, an update.
I’ve started wearing my grandmother’s family ring on my left hand because I don’t think I’m ever getting married so why the hell not.
Now, a few people will and have responded with an “awww you don’t know that” but the fact is that if I am to build the type of polyamorous relationship(s) that I want it will make no sense to marry one partner when I cannot marry multiple.
And the only person I even remotely considered a monogamous relationship with in the past while... well I haven’t seen him in over a year, and he went completely MIA with no phone or responses to facebook a few months ago.