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Chapter Four: Overcoming Obstacles.

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

My last post was written some time ago, and since then a lot has happened. I’ve been crazy busy with school, and haven’t had many opportunities to slow down--but I am now obviously taking SOME sort of break, since I’m writing this post. Let’s see. What to talk about?

(This post will start off heavy and slightly sad, but it gets better, I promise!!!)

Well, for starters, this is a personal growth sort of blog, so I should talk about my health. Mentally I’ve been struggling the last few weeks, particularly with my body image. This is something I’ve already delved into extensively on this blog, but acceptance and healing IS a journey, so documenting my progress along the path will be helpful to look back on in the future. 

I mentioned in a previous post that I was planning to see the school nutritionist, but I had to cancel the appointment due to a scheduling conflict that arose. I may try to arrange another appointment, but I’m scared that I would over-analyze anything she said to me and start strictly regimenting myself again. Although, I suppose I never know until I try. I think I will set up an appointment sometime soon just to give it a shot. In the meantime, my therapist has recommended that I start a “food journal”--and no, not one in which I count calories. She wants me to explore writing about food that I eat in a positive light: talking about its flavors, texture, color, and so on. This way, I can start conditioning myself to actually enjoy meals again without thinking obsessively about what I’m eating. That has been the main struggle since starting college: I’ve found myself back in a cycle of feeling guilty anytime I eat at all, even if it’s healthy food. What a gloomy way to look at something that should be enjoyable...I definitely want to break out of those habits and develop more positive ones!

Other than that, the struggle has also involved my physical appearance. My main part of my body that I am insecure about is my stomach. Over the last few weeks I’ve been trying not to look at it so negatively, but that’s easier said than done of course. Some days I feel like I look bad, some days I don’t mind how I look. My biggest concern is how MUCH I analyze it. I can’t afford to go back to lifting my shirt to stare at every bit of my belly fifteen times a day. I used to check to see if I could see my ribs every day, and that is obviously NOT a healthy thing to do. It’s incredibly challenging to change this habit also. I try not to think too much about if I’ve gained any weight, either--or at least, try not to think about it like it’s a bad thing. Gaining weight does NOT mean I am “ugly” or “inadequate”--it just means I’m a human being! I have to repeat this mantra over and over again to myself, but hey. At least I’m trying to work on it, and over time if I keep working on being positive, that will lead to progress.

Something I’ve been thinking about is reducing the amount of meat in my diet. I don’t want to go COMPLETELY vegetarian (ya girl loves chicken wings and hamburgers too much, sorry), but I don’t think that incorporating more vegetarian and even vegan meals into my lifestyle would be bad. So long as I keep an eye on my protein intake to ensure I’m still getting plenty of it, and make sure to keep on top of my vitamins and minerals, I should be fine. Going to the nutritionist will probably also help with this--she can make sure I’m making proper dietary changes without sacrificing key nutrients.

Okay, enough of all the heavy stuff. I WILL make it through this!

My day was made today by having breakfast with a friend of mine from the church group I attend on campus. She took me to this adorable little coffee shop that had yummy egg sandwiches and delicious iced coffee. I liked it so much I got another cup for me to enjoy on the drive back to campus. I drink WAY more coffee than I used to before starting college--but don’t worry, I drink plenty of water too. All in all, breakfast was great. It was awesome just to hang out with a friend and get to know them better!

As for the rest of my day, it was good for the most part. I just have to start working ahead on a bunch of stuff to ensure I don’t fall behind in classes. I use the Google app called “Keep” a TON--it allows me to make checklists and stay organized with all of my due dates. Talk about helpful!

I know I have been struggling mentally for a while, but that doesn’t mean I am unhappy or have lost my zeal for life. I am still enjoying much of my life and am appreciative of all the opportunities, people, and things I have around me. I feel incredibly lucky to be alive. I hope you do, too.

[wecanalwaysgrow-blog]

Don’t fake being okay, you only hurt yourself. Be real with what you’re going through, just don’t let it consume you.

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if suddenly you feel the urge to cry come upon you seemingly from nowhere, please, recognize that it is not from nowhere. it is from a somewhere where you forgot to mourn properly. a place only your body can remember. let these tears come. let your body mourn. let your body feel her loss. even if you cannot understand her (who can?) it is important to let your body have this. when the crying is over feed your body something special and be gentle with her. bless

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Chapter Three: Keep Your Head Up.

Hey there. 

The last few days in particular have been rough for my mental health, but I have still been finding things to enjoy in my days and have been able to keep a smile on my face, which I am grateful for. 

I called my school’s health center to set up an appointment with the on-site nutritionist. The reason why my mental health has taken a bit of a hit the last few days (or really, the last few weeks if I’m being completely candid here) is because I’ve had a lot of negative thoughts and feelings related to my body and any food I eat. It’s started becoming rather constant, which is NOT what I want, so I’m being proactive and going to see someone who can consult me about my diet and exercise. I figure if I take steps to be healthier, I can’t give my brain an excuse to fight me on it. :)

I’ve also found a running buddy! As I’ve mentioned previously, I’ve started to get back into running. I was leaving my dorm today to go to the gym and ran into an acquaintance I had met through one of my friends at the start of the semester. We started chatting, discovered we were both planning to go for a run, and I invited them to accompany me! We found a beautiful nature trail and went for just under a mile run. We had some nice conversation and good exercise. I need to work on my endurance as I had to slow down quite a bit, but it definitely made me feel a lot better. We’ll be going for a run again on Saturday. (I haven’t mentioned their name or anything just because I’d like to get their permission to mention them if I ever do include them in another post.)

I had lunch with a good friend! My friend Shawnie and I hang out every Tuesday and Thursday and usually always grab a quick lunch together. We went to Chik-fil-A and it was quite relaxing just getting to talk and laugh about things. I have found there is nothing like delicious food paired with good conversation, especially when it’s with your friends! 

I’M GOING TO A WEDDING! Two of my dear friends are getting married this Sunday, and I have the good fortune to be attending. I’ll be going with my boyfriend and a few of our other mutual friends will be there, so it’s sure to be a lovely time where I a) get to celebrate a beautiful couple, b) spend time with some of my favorite people in all the world and c) dance like a crazy person. Should be fun.

My mind has not been in the most peaceful place as of late, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still find joy in things and people. Even though I am feeling drained and exhausted, I am prepared to wake up tomorrow and face a new day. I’m prepared to give this my all. I hope you are too. Keep your head up.

[wecanalwaysgrow-blog]

A relapse does not mean you start back at zero. It does not mean you failed. It does not mean recovery is impossible.

We slip up. And we learn from our slip ups. Recovery isn’t perfect. In fact, we don’t want it to be “perfect.” We want it to be real; the happiness, the noteworthy moments, the baby steps, the tears, the frustration, the love.

That’s life. Recovery means you get to experience living.

[wecanalwaysgrow-blog]

When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.

Alexander den Heijer (via perrfectly)

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Chapter Two: Self-Esteem and Body Image.

Hey there. This is gonna be a long one, so get comfy.

Since this blog is dedicated to personal growth, I figure it would be good to talk about something I have had to deal with as I’ve grown into the person I am now, and will probably have to deal with for the rest of my life--body positivity and body image. This is something I have had my fair share of ups and downs with, and I know that in one way or another, everyone on the planet has, too.

(WARNING: Up ahead will be discussions of eating disorders. I am placing this warning here in case this is a sensitive topic for anyone who may be reading.)

When I was in middle school, my self-esteem was rather poor. I had difficulty making friends, and I never really felt comfortable in my own skin. I never felt like I looked good in the clothes I wore, and I was incredibly conscious of my weight. During the course of one of the summers of my middle school career, I started staying at home by myself, and I spent a lot of time binge eating. Since my parents weren’t around I would take advantage of it and spend most of my time either in bed or on the couch, going numb as I continued to eat exorbitant amounts of food. I would eat large amounts no matter if I was truly hungry or not. Afterwards I always felt extreme guilt and disgust with myself, and I never seemed to feel in control of anything. All my negative emotions became associated with food. 

My parents eventually found out after several months, and I fell apart in front of them. I was crushed and ashamed of myself, especially given that my parents are very health-conscious individuals--they had always pushed my brother and I to value exercise and having a good diet, but I never felt as though I had lived up to their standards. I was overweight and I often compared myself to other girls my age. I would even compare myself to my brother, who was and continues to be very lean and athletic. I never felt like I was good enough for my family--however, my parents were incredibly caring and loving in the face of their discovery of my issues. 

About a month after my parents finally knew, I came across an article on eating disorders in an issue of Teen Vogue. I was shocked to see a section on binge eating disorder, and even more amazed that all of the symptoms matched my behaviors. I didn’t know that such a disorder existed, and I suddenly felt much less alone. My eating habits improved, and I started to work out more frequently without my parents having to force me. That was a factor that marked a legitimate turning point for me: I had always looked at exercise as a chore, but once I began to do it on my own, it became something I actually enjoyed. I didn’t have my parents breathing down my neck while I worked out--it was just me, myself and I. I ended up getting down to a healthy weight for my height, and my confidence improved drastically.

As I got older, I was presented a new challenge. Although I was much healthier and I was by no means overweight anymore, I began to start seeing myself in a negative light again. I never felt skinny enough, and anytime I ate something the slightest bit unhealthy, I would mentally punish myself. I started to pack smaller lunches and would sit in classes fantasizing about food. My body craved more, but I would force myself to not give into it. The less I ate, the “healthier” I thought I was. I was so used to eating incredibly large amounts of food from my experiences with binge eating disorder, and to feeling no control over it, that I ached for a sense of control I didn’t know I had. I didn’t count calories but I counted the things I ate in a day, and it became obsessive. I had anxiety over eating food and if I ate something unhealthy or ate too much at one point, I would worry that I was going to go back to the way I used to be. I also developed a fixation with looking at myself in the mirror, and I would constantly lift my shirt to see if my ribs were visible. I told myself that if I could see my ribs, I was a healthy person. Obviously this was not true, but I was caught up in the sense of control it gave me. These behaviors and habits I had occurred on and off throughout high school, and it wasn’t until I started going to therapy that I really got a hold on them. I am much more self-aware than I was before, and feel that I have a better ability to block out or change my negative impulses.

Now that I’m in college, I am trying my best to A) eat balanced meals and B) eat healthier food. Not only does eating healthier make me feel good physically, but it also keeps my mind in check so that I don’t give myself an excuse to relapse into my eating disorder tendencies. Additionally, I am slowly getting back into running, which is definitely boosting my confidence! I still have days where I struggle with negative thoughts and poor self-esteem, but I am glad that I now understand how destructive and unhealthy my behaviors were, and that I can hold myself accountable to treating my body with respect. It has been and continues to be a long journey, but I know that I have grown and still will grow because of it. 

It has taken a long time for me to feel truly happy with myself, but I am proud to say that I have come into my own and accepted who I am. I love myself now, and am so thankful that I do. I used to think that self-love was a selfish thing, but I know now that it is a wonderful strength. Even on my bad days, I know that I am good enough, and that in itself is a blessing. I am proud of the person I am and am excited to see how I develop over the years to come.

Society places a lot of pressure on people to look a certain way, no matter if someone is female or male. I want you to know that you do NOT have to be a certain weight, size, or shape to be considered “beautiful”, “handsome”, “attractive”, “healthy” or “enough”. Weight is just a number, and your health is more than what you see when you step on a scale. You deserve to love yourself and to live your best life. You deserve to treat yourself like a friend.

If you are someone who has struggled or is currently struggling with eating disorders, here are some resources for support and assistance. You are NOT alone, and you are loved and are so, so incredibly beautiful. PLEASE reach out for help if you need it--you will not be a burden, nor will you be judged or looked down upon. Reaching out for help takes courage and strength.

https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline

https://eatingdisorderfoundation.org/get-help/

[wecanalwaysgrow-blog]

Chapter One: Gratitude!

Hey there.

It is a beautiful Wednesday morning, and I’m feeling pretty optimistic. I normally try to stay positive and chipper, but there’s just something about today in particular that’s got me extra sunshine-y. And ya know what it is? GRATITUDE!

For starters, my family and I got through the impacts of Hurricane Irma safe and sound. Our house remains intact, and we got power back yesterday. The only real damage Irma dealt to our property was to our fence, but we knew that was weak already. In the grand scheme of things, it’s a small issue to have, and we are so incredibly thankful to be in good health and not be dealing with any other problems. We are looking to do all we can to lend a hand to others who are dealing with worse circumstances thanks to the storm. 

Additionally, I am back to college now, and am so happy about it. I truly do love my school and all the opportunities available to me because of it, and I do not intend to ever take this experience for granted. I am lucky to be able to pursue education so freely, especially as a woman. There are so many women all over the world who aren’t even allowed to chase their dreams through school if they so desire. I’m hoping to find an organization on campus that works to promote education for all, no matter where or who someone is.

Another thing that has me feeling good? Music! The song “HARD LOVE” by NEEDTOBREATHE is filling me with motivation and empowerment today.

Recognizing the goodness of the little things in life can really bring so much more light into your days. It really brings stuff into perspective and can truly lift your spirits! Gratitude lends to growth.

I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday.

~Bri

[wecanalwaysgrow-blog]

chicago // sufjan stevens

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One of the things I’m going to try to do with this blog is take pictures of beautiful things I see in nature, whether it be flowers, a tree, or a sunset, and post them here! Given the nature theme of this whole “personal growth” thing, it just seems fitting.

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This is an album that I haven’t been able to stop coming back to over the last few months. This song in particular jumps out at me every time I listen.

[wecanalwaysgrow-blog]

An Introduction.

Hello!

I’m Bri, and this is the first post on my new blog. (DUN DUN DAAAAHHHH!) I know, so exciting. Here’s to hoping I didn’t scare you away with that ridiculously cheesy start to this whole thing.

This is a blog I have started to document my personal growth this year. 2017 has been a crazy adventure thus far--I’m in college and am attempting to balance academics with every other aspect of my life, so needless to say, things can get a bit overwhelming at times. However, I can tell that at just a little under a month into this semester, I’ve already grown a considerable amount. It will be so amazing and interesting to see the person I am at the end of this term.

As I began to think about starting this blog, I was wondering about a concrete theme to center my writing around. It only makes sense to me to look to nature. I have always loved nature, and have become more and more intrigued by it as I’ve gotten older. One of the things that I love about nature is that even when something terrible happens--whether it be a single tree getting chopped down or entire forests being leveled by a natural disaster--nature has the ability to grow back. Life can always be found, even in the darkest of places or worst of circumstances. I like to think that humans are kind of like that too. We as people can rise up in the face of difficulty to overcome immense challenges and strife. I hope that this year can be a year in which I blossom--and I hope that this blog can help to document that process.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope you stick around.

We can always grow.

~Bri