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Little Rituals

Had the weirdest urge to do coke. It doesn’t happen often but it hits me like a religious experience. I forget I had lived those memories and those events. I find myself in the mood to want to sit around with people, half cut, drink in hand.

Sometimes I can feel my brain drift between two worlds, like an epiphany, a memory clouds my mind: It’s been about 20 minutes since last time, everyone’s looking around eager eyes and noses wanting to ask the same question: “another line er what?”

Everyone quiets a bit, the porcelain plate (or a mirror if you’re fancy enough) makes its appearance. All you can hear is a slightly excited murmur as buddy starts tapping and scraping his old, worn gym membership card across the flat, smooth surface. As he goes, in a fluid and focused motion, through clenched jaw, he forms 6 skinny white lines, enough for everyone, except maybe a little more for him. Because let’s be real, he’s doing all the work right?

His bug eyed girlfriend next to him puts down the beer she’s been sipping on, grabs the messily tossed 5 dollar bill from the counter, breaks off the tab from her can and starts rolling the 5, neatly and small into a small straw. The perfect contraption. 

But.... where’d the last straw go? It was just here-

-anyways. “Did you guys here about that thing......”

The plate starts moving around the table as if it’s the offering plate at church. One by one, bowing their heads, as if in prayer, as a quick, hard sniff stifles each conversation. And then....

Mutual buzzing, as if in thanks for the gift, smiles and cheers all around, thank you for these blessings.

These memories remind me Ive lived these moments, remind me what I’ve come from. I used to treat these moments like rituals, held them in high regard, made myself believe I was taking part in communing with god. Believed I was as sacred and spiritual as ever, high on a cloud, but knowing it was not where I belonged.

It’s been months since the last time, months since I’ve had that burn, like strong sage burning and tickling my senses. 

My rituals now involve careful, clean processes of eating and self care, in a sense I’m healing, I’m on a higher cloud of self awareness than I’d ever been back then.....

But sometimes, I miss my manufactured religious experiences and man made epiphanies. My past rituals sustained me for so long, but old habits die hard. And new ceremony’s take up my time, new chances of revival and finding my self. Atonement for my past and recovering of myself is my focus. No time for memories now. ♥️

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