x-r4ted

[x-r4ted]

“I’m ashamed of all that I am now, and all that I am now is just painful.”

I feel as if I only cause other pain, stress, and discomfort. What if he only keeps me around out of pity?

Out of fear, maybe? What if he only keeps me around because he’s scared of the change.

I’m scared of the change.

“How did you not realize I was rotten?”

[x-r4ted]

I hate storms.

They are loud and remind me there is more than just me in the world. Forces that could damage me in irreversible ways on a whim.

They are loud and make me shake. I hate loud things, I can’t hide from them. The sounds follow wherever I go. And when I mentally travel to a different time, where I’m back in the past. The thunder will no longer sound like thunder, it will conform to the movie my brain plays to torment me.

The rumble sound will shift to the sound of doors slamming, feet stomping, wall punching. I am once again a small scared defenseless child, watching the scene play before me. Knowing I can do nothing to keep myself safe.

I hate storms.

[x-r4ted]

I hate when people tell us we aren’t allowed to have interests because they’re possessive over it.

Your fixation is not my fault.

I’m allowed to enjoy things too.

It’s frustrating.

I’m tired.

[x-r4ted]

No matter how mentally ill I am, no matter the fact I own a vent account. I’ll always be aware of the fact there’s a time and a place for certain topics.

And it doesn’t matter how badly I want to dump all of my thoughts onto one blog post. I know that it is not the burden of the internet to be my therapist.

I’m aware that no one’s words will stop me or change my mind. I’m going to repeat the process again anyways. I hate being self aware and still not caring.

[x-r4ted]

The ability to go online and be a whole different person is scary but actually really nice.

I can create an account and people don’t know who I am. I can act in ways I wish to act or simply say things I wouldn’t usually say.

It’s kind of freeing . . .

[x-r4ted]

ᵂᵉˡᶜᵒᵐᵉ

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