yawnpill

[yawnpill]

I miss him when the room gets too silent, I spent the entire day distracting myself but the second I go to sleep I think of the empty spot next to my side where his hands used to be in my hair I hate that things didn’t work out I hate that I had to cut things off for my own sanity I know I’ll be grateful in the future I’ve already been through this and I always make it out even if I have to claw my own way out I. ALWAYS. make. it. out. but sitting??? in this in between limbo feeling?? is so exhausting and depressing. I keep envisioning him coming here to my house and apologizing or begging me to speak to him again even though I know he won’t and wouldn’t because he wouldn’t even do it when we were talking near the end I just so badly wish he would’ve fought for me more because I gave everything at the end for nothing in return and I hate that I have to see him like that instead of what he was when he met my family we could’ve had something so beautiful even though we aren’t compatible and I just am not emotionally ready or mature enough for what either of us need. I just wish we could’ve both been what we needed I wish we could’ve made it work meeting a new stranger is going to be so hard I just hope for the best in both of our futures I’m fighting for my life to not check his socials or anything I know ignorance is bliss and I will only hurt myself more if I look so I won’t but I miss him so much when I’m alone I’m praying this feeling goes away soon but I have never been known to stop caring or stop feeling part of me even hopes he is reading this even though he’s not I just so badly crave the connection we had in the beginning it’s just not fair.

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today was much harder than yesterday honestly,, I’m at the point of healing where I don’t think I’ve gotten over anything that’s happened ever, change is so uncomfortable but I so badly want to step out of the comfort of my own misery. I’m exhausted and as my ex would say, defeated. I really wish things could’ve worked out between us but it’s so much more complicated than the thing that made me want to end things in the first place I really do know it’s for the better retrospectively but I find myself missing them and others from my past that I shouldn’t, this town feels like a sinkhole of memories with every corner I turn I kept telling myself today I wish I was the person that both I and everyone else wants me to be, truthfully I don’t even know what that is I just know it’s not who I am right now. I thought of when I almost got married to my middle school boyfriend while he was serving in the marines ?? if I can even call it almost that I’ll never know if he was serious about it :/ but I wish I could’ve been what he wanted me to be and I started thinking of everyone else my coworker my polyamory experience my most recent ex and I just wish I could’ve been what they all wanted me to be at the moment of all of those I was doing what was right for me even if it hurt to do but I always wonder if I made the right decisions by doing so, these people have done something irreparably hurtful to me at some point but I sometimes worry that the common denominator is me, my empathy really stunts me when I care about someone I will put myself in your shoes and make excuses until I die for you I think everyone is just a hurt person trying to love, that everyone and everything is a response to wanting to be loved . choosing myself is lonely I’m a hurt person waiting to be loved in the future never knowing when or even if the future will come. I’m so stuck in my past sometimes I’m worried I’ll drag everyone I meet there with me. I hate being alone because the weight is a lot less heavy when someone can carry it with you, but I think I’ve over packed myself I need to deal with my own baggage the years of baggage I’ve been ignoring and putting off I need to be uncomfortable for awhile at least until something good comes around and I don’t flinch at its kindness. there’s so many things I wish I could change, but for now I will try to focus on what can be done today. I tour campus for new career path tomorrow, I’m hoping this is what puts the foot in the front door of my new beginning. I think I’ll spend the rest of my night watching South Park and trying not to beat myself up so much. If you read this far thank you, I am struggling with how to reach out lately and this blog has been a good outlet for me.

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today was okay, I’m doing shockingly well after my recent breakup, I’m really trying to convince myself it’s for the better and I’m better off I miss the routine I had with my ex more than my ex themselves honestly, having someone say good morning and goodnight every day without fail until the end the phone calls before bed so I didn’t feel so alone, I’m planning a trip alone soon so I can navigate myself better and embrace my solitude or whatever, I’m working on enrolling into a new program for a new career path and I’m hoping it’s where I end up a year from now. weirdly enough the only thing going through my mind since I left is I can finally be me again the goals I wanted before we met are possible again, I don’t blame my ex for that I just kind of put them off and neglected what I wanted for myself because I wanted them more… it’s kind of freeing honestly?? how many things I can do now subconsciously because I have nothing tying me down.. there’s a small voice in my head afraid to be alone though, I keep remembering people of my past and thinking about for a split second going back, I let myself sit in the feeling and remind myself I’m not the same person they knew anymore and that there is so much new and better for me. I know truthfully that I want to be alone and that I should be, I just hope it stick to it this time.

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my life is changing for the better soon I just know it, good things are coming my way and opportunities are going to open up for me like crazy I can feel it in my bones documenting this moment of hope and joy for change because I know 100% that this change is worth it I know I will find my calling soon and I will figure out everything I need to do soon everything is going to fall into place very soon I can just feel it

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I love detoxing mainstream social medias and hopping on Tumblr and Pinterest it’s so healing and freeing, thinking of picking up on iPod nano’s and digital cameras again to get the full early 2000s experience I was robbed of appreciating at its full potential because I was 4-10

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I am trying to find peace with the fact that you are gone, I completely disappeared and removed my presence, and it somehow lifted such a heavy weight off my shoulders part of me is relieved actually, but another part of me is guilty about that relief and hopeful for what could have been, our end was slow burned and predictable and part of me truthfully knew it would end like this from the beginning I tried to fight that voice in my head but you can’t fight fate and reality and in reality we aren’t compatible, we aren’t ready for either of our full potential, especially me. I met you when I was in a bad place and clung to you to pull me out of it and that wasn’t fair to you, but you left when things got hard, I didn’t deserve that but you didn’t deserve to only have the unhealed version of me either, I truly hope everything you are going through gets better, I promise I won’t call.

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the thing about those ooc "woooooooow this show is so deep" quotes from bojack horseman is that they strip away the absurdity of the scenario in a way that makes it come off like weird therapy-speak when like 99% of the time the joke is someone suddenly saying something super eloquent and serious in the middle of some crazy shit.

like everyone quotes the "sometimes i think i was born with a leak, and all the goodness i was born with slowly dripped out" line but no one mentions that he says it to vincent adultman, a character who no one notices is clearly three children stacked on top of each other in a trench coat. who then says "dont be sad, nice horsey!" and pets him with his broom/hand

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When BoJack Horseman (2014-2020) said "you can't keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it ok. you need to be better" and "all we have are the connections we make" and "I really should've thought about the view from halfway down" and "sometimes you have to take responsibility for your own happiness" and "you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, you turn yourself around, THAT'S what it's all about" and "things have to get worse before they can get better" and "in real life, the big gesture isn't enough, you need to be consistent" and "if we hadn't met each other until now, we wouldn't be the people we are now" and, my personal favourite, "every day it gets a little easier, but you gotta do it every day, that's the hard part, but it does get easier".

[yawnpill]

[yawnpill]

I tore the gills from my neck,

still drowning from the very thing I breathe

and swam to shore.

I ripped the scales from my back,

and clawed through my skin

until I became maimed

and unrecognizable,

still holding myself together

until these newfound pieces of me

filled the spaces I once rejected.

untouched and moldable as clay,

and to my surprise,

under the shell of what I once was,

a pair of beautifully feathered wings.

running with my feet behind me

this newly awakened breeze kissed my ribs wide open

and it was then when I realized,

what once kept you alive,

is not always what lets you live.

[yawnpill]

hello all, unfortunately I have become depressed again so part of my self care routine is residing here I love the community I find here and tying into the void uncensored really helps, as of today I woke up early and had a nice breakfast I’m pretty sure the relationship I was in is over, I asked if things were okay between us and I’ve been completely ignored which I honestly saw coming still disappointing but I have faith I will prevail, I needed more writing inspiration anyways. I’ve been struggling to get out of bed all day kind of just replaying everything but I want to go to the gym I don’t know if I have the strength to today. I miss working since my job is seasonal I only work 6 months out of the year but I’m trying to lock in and get a car and plan to move soon I have high hopes for Washington, my cat has been sick but he’s recovering well and I’m going to school for marketing now. I’m also thinking of going back to therapy because of my own issues, my favorite song is need 2 by pinegrove and wish you well by thousand foot krutch right now as those are the most relatable to my situation at the moment, for now I will focus on myself and fix what can be done I know I’m worth the same love I put out but I can’t help but be disappointed when I don’t receive the same energy back

[yawnpill]

It's my 1 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[yawnpill]

I love random bonds with strangers. a smile exchanged on the tube because you saw the same funny thing, the talkative grandma you meet once at the supermarket and then never see again, the silly mutual glance because you both wear the same jacket, or the embarrassed giggles after you reached for the same cereal pack at the same moment

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“I’m not giving up. I’m just starting over.”

— Unknown

[yawnpill]

“Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realise they were the big things.”

— Robert Brault

[yawnpill]

they were right btw. you have to dig yourself out of your grave over and over again