I wish I had a prettier crying face
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Runs off to make a new vent blog because all my safe spaces have been demolished 🤭
#i actually did that a week or so ago but this is my way of saying IM SORRY MOOTSSS I MOVED BECAUSE IM BEING TREATED LIKE SHIT BY AN EX#its bad when im this used to being doxxed. or really just scare attempts but yeah. fuck that#mainly just want a side blog they dont know about so i can actually comfortably talk because even if i block ik they have stalking accounts#man this is really fucking stupid#dunno why i expected basic decency my bad lol#but yeah love all yall that are following this blog. sorry im up and leaving :(
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Tfw your mom is probably having a heart attack and no doctors will see her but you're too busy crying because there's Valentine's Day stuff out
#im gonna drive my car through a fast pace if they dont see her in the morning#its so stupid that my nerves are more tore up thinking about Valentine's day its such bullshit#freaked out though. feels like the whole world is crashing down on me and here i am. back at square one like i knew id be#one step forward is two steps back in the future. its easier to sit still. freeze up. wish i could sleep it off#at least my dad can watch over her for the weekend and my old best friends mom whos my moms friend is a nurse and is helping. kinda#i just wish i had the spoons to take care of her. she doesn't deserve this shes been through SO much and always been so good#and she just fucking graduated. been helping her with job applications whenever i feel up to it#sometimes i feel like im the one that makes her sick. every gray hair is from me. she didnt have these problems until she was pregnant#im just a fucking curse even from the get-go. i think id have traded my life to give to her. she's so much better than me and is so strong#i wish i had the capacity to tell her how much i love her and to take care of her but my nerves are shot and it feels like... idk#like people hurt. hurt me and i hurt them. it's better to hide in my room so i dont act stupid when i get hurt by something#even my cat has noticed it. avoids me and sits and meows when i leave my room. my dog too. hes been laying on me whenever i let him#just wish i could bash my head into a wall. not really for violence but just to shake off whatever is wrong with me#doesn't help that my lungs are hurting and breathing hurts and ive been sick but i cant just say that because ik my mom will neglect herself#and not go to the doctor. but shes been a lifelong smoker. just stopped smoking about a year ago. started vaping. and im SO proud of her#but vapes are terrible and do horrible ahit and im 99% sure she has SOME sort of immune system issue and just... augh#i knew itd catch up to her. it scares me that shes worried. i wish i could just rewind time#whatever. just tired of keeping it in my head and im so frustrated with doctors and my thoughts make more sense here#i just want everyone to be okay. id give my life for my parents
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Wdym you "love me" lmfao what kinda scam is this who do you think i am i aint falling for that!!! 🔥🔥🔥😂😂😂
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The more I think about it, The more I realize I have no real talent. I like to think i’m smart, But people are so much smarter than me. I like to think i’m good at art, But i’m not even mediocre. I wanna believe i’m good at flute, But i’m intermediate at best. I can’t sing, Can’t dance, Can’t create music, etc. I can’t do anything. I’m not good at anything. The only thing I can do is sleep, eat, and make these stupid fucking posts. I’m a waste of resources.
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I wish I was skinny. I wish I was pretty. I wish I wasn't sensitive. I wish I wasn't annoying. I wish I wasn't clingy. I wish I had pretty hair. I wish I was taller. I wish I had a purpose. I wish people actually liked me. I wish I was fun to be around. I wish I didn't hate myself. I wish I wanted to be alive.
I wish I was dead.
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i hate that kind of sadness where your chest physically hurts
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Make it stop make it stop makeitstopmakeiystop
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Why am I always worthless? Always the one shoved to the side like trash? All I've even done is try to be there for people and I get treated like shit for it, I don't get it
#ive been trying to distract myself but im just so nauseous and i just really really wanna die#“you can't take anything personally” then why does it feel personal? you know how i feel and then you just step on me#i say im having a bout of psychosis and you seriously joke about beasts coming to get me? put me out for the rest of the night#and its just like. ive been waiting for you to be online so we can talk and turns out youve been on anyway probably talking to new people#youve just straight up replaced me and what am i supposed to do? watch? it hurts so much i feel like my chest is caving in#here i am being the fucking issue again. always the crybaby#always something wrong. always has an issue. no wonder everyone hates me
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Hate the manic crash, what do you mean I was finally happy and now all I wanna do is kms
#back to the same old ways (overthinking and stewing and getting angry)#im just over here excited about tags someone left on a post and then like a sucker punch they hit me with an “im talking to x”#INSTANT mood drop its insane#i need to kms right NOW istg nothing else will fix me more#“you're part of my life” SHUT UP YOU DO EVERYTHING TO KEEP ME OUT OF YOUR LIFE ITS WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOU#i can't be angry im not allowed to be angry theyre going through a hard time they have npd they cant help it im the problem im so fucking ST#dont think ive ever had a reality break like this i feel like im dying#i just want it to all go away. want it to be okay. everything's too complicated. dont wanna hurt no more. please please stop hurting me
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“your trauma doesn’t define you” no actually it does. it dictates every aspect of my shitty life.
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Ugh, fucked it all up again
#i really need to just stop talking. everyone's better off when im not bothering them#why cant i just shut the fuck up
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Baring my heart for you || windows to the soul
#me? making vent art? in THIS economy?!?!!?!#ive been feeling very uhh. like an eye that stares back. yeah. that#just like. bodiless. just haunted eyes#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually traumatized#actually obsessive#vent art#vent account#my art#my artwork#vent artwork#sad art#eyestrain#tw eyestrain
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I think it'd be neat if during discussions about schizophrenia and psychosis more people made a point to mention how psychotic episodes themselves can be deeply traumatizing. because they sure can. experiencing a break from reality like that is traumatizing. delusions, even though they aren't real, are traumatizing. believing you're being prosecuted by God himself and not knowing how to cope with that just to later realize none of it was real is probably traumatizing. experiencing frightening hallucinations can be traumatizing. people talk about how psychotics suffer from their disorder but let's talk about why we do. and I haven't even mentioned the inherent trauma of living with a stigmatized disorder in a world where psychotics are despised and shunned and kicked out of homes. lets not forget that one.
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a little diary about trying to find a middle ground between being spiritual and being a schizophrenic
#actually makes me SO happy someone is talking about it and not in a belittling way#spirituality is a very core part of myself and i dont want to lose that just because my reality gets distorted
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