antylope

[antylope]

Sarcasm is just laughter through tears

A few years ago, I used to be a very sarcastic person. Joking about everything, even darkest and very serious topics. I still kinda am considered "too sarcastic" by my friends.

There is a bit of truth in every sarcastic statement. Every time someone jokes about killing themselves, there might be something onto it. It's like we deep down, subconciouselly understand what we really think, it's just very, very fogged.

If someone jokes about death - they probably are scared of it. Jokingly saying "I hate my life haha"? Maybe it's not so much of a joke after all.

Just throwing a quick thought out there. There is a grain of truth in everything containing irony or sarcasm.

Of course, just to clarify, I don't have suicidal thoughts. These times are past me. If anyone is reading it - you don't have to worry about me.

[antylope]

Relapsing - I don't know why I'm doing this to myself

Honestly? I have no clue why I keep doing it to myself. Am I addicted to video games? I don't think so. I think I'm just trying to fill some kind of void in myself... to have something which I can put my efforts into.

It starts with the thought. It sits in a subconcious mind - "hmm, haven't played any video game for a long time...". This is a trap. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it. I only remember good memories from these games, how everything went well. But it's not like that - the reality is that the vast majority of the time put into games is me being angered and irritated at other players, or at myself. Oh the energy I put into these games, you wouldn't imagine. I lived for them. But it's the past.

Then, after the thought, I decide to search for some videos or posts about this game. This keeps me hyped for it even more. I should turn back - but most often than not it's already too late.

I decide to install this game. It's like a forgotten treasure, what could go wrong? I'll just play for an hour, just to remind myself of these warm memories... Turns out I played for three in the row. I enjoyed it.

Okay, I will play in the evening, only after I get every of my responsibilities done - workout, studying, work, etc etc.

Nope. Not as easy.

It quickly spirals into an "addiction"? I don't like to use that word, but maybe its appropriate? Anyways; Then I think to myself - I'll do one of my tasks, then play for an hour, then another thing, then play etc. It increases from 1 hour of enjoyment to 2 hours of enjoyment. Then I start to play for 2 hours in the morning, right after I wake up. Oh, It's already 1 pm? How did it happened? It's okay, I still have a lot of time to do my tasks...

4 pm? Damn, I should really stop.

I ended up doing half of my daily tasks. The next days repeat.

After 2 weeks I drop my productive habits. I keep doing the bare minimum, just to keep myself going, and I allocate the rest of my time for enjoyment - playing video games. 10 pm, time to sleep? Meh, it's weekend tomorrow, why not go to sleep at midnight. Who cares if you wake up at 6 pm or 9 pm if you get 8 hours of sleep anyways, right?? Wrong.

It eventually got so bad that I not only didn't get any pleasure from playing video games, they felt like a chore, yet I still did it, and I planned my WHOLE DAY around it.

Why am I doing it to myself? Oh why? I feel dead inside. Sorry for being edgy people who are reading it. I feel like I regressed in my developement, like I am this loser that I've been years ago... Like all the hard work I've put in is lost.....

I know it isn't lost, and the only habit that I kept throughout this rut is working out - my physique is better than ever, but I'm still not satisfied.

I have to get out. I have to stop playing this stupid video games like some fucking loser. So much time wasted.... What am I running away from - my thoughts? Noone knows, especially me. My mind is just one big mess.

[antylope]

How everyone is so rich around me??

Today, which is 25th July I went on my evening walk as usual to clear my mind and think about stuff.

To my surprise I saw a nice Bentley, a few really well-kept, expensive shiny BMWs... and a Lamborghini. Then the realisation hit me - what the hell is going on? How is everybody so rich? Even a little kid riding his bike saw that car and said to his father: "Daddy! Do you also see that? Do you see it?!?!". That's how big of an impression it made to everyone around me, of course, me included.

To give you some context, I live in a small-ish town of 50.000 people, in a not that rich country in Europe. It's not a western highly developed country like France or Germany, although it is catching up. But what the hell? How can they afford it?

The more I thought about it, the more I started to grasp what is happening around me. There are atleast 4 Teslas in my town, a Dodge Challenger, one Bugatti, 2 porsches. For those who don't really care about cars, all of the cars I named here are luxury, expensive cars. It is pretty much a daily thing for me to notice such vehicle. There are WAY TOO MANY expensive cars around me for that kind of a town! It's like everyone around me just has all of this money that I could only dream of. I know some people definitely rent this car, but come on! I'm sure a high percent of them are the owners. What do these people even do for a living? How could they gather such capital to acquire that beautiful car?

This recognition gave me some sort of weird feeling of inner motivation withing me. If they can, so do I. But I am just an average human - for whom such amount of money is even unimaginable. Most people only can afford buying an apartament for a mortgage that they'll have to pay off for the next 25 years. Is it because of their mindset? Is it because of their habits? Is it because of their beliefs? Work ethic? Dedication? Ambition? Social status? No idea.

But I know one thing - I feel very motivated to take action now. To work extra hard, so one day I can buy an expensive car and not worry about how much it costs. There MUST be something I don't know, that millionaires do. I want to achieve something in this life. I want to find purpose. I want to put all of my effort into something, so someday I can feel like them. I want to prove something to MYSELF. Not to prove others.

Anyways, it is 10 pm now. So I'll go to bed in order to wake up early tomorrow. If you have any questions feel free to ask. As always, I'll try to answer all of them.

[antylope]

It is 10 pm and I feel alone.

You know what guys? Sometimes I feel really alone. Even though I have a few close friends.

Sometimes, like for example now, I just feel... unwanted? in this world. Noone really cares. Absolutely noone.

The reality is, noone cares about my feelings. Noone cares how I'm doing. Noone cares about my opinion. Everytime I try to start a discussion about some deeper topic, it instantly gets cut off. They don't want to talk about it. My attempt is met with a short, generic response, followed by sending me some unfunny meme, which they know I don't find amusing? That just makes me very lonely.

Is the only reason to be friends with someone is to exchange 'funny' pictures between each other? That's it? I am friends with people for 5-8 years and almost all of conversations are very shallow.

Do you know what else makes me feel really lonely? When my friends send me some useless news. Why should I care about some guy on the other side of the planet. It just makes me tired. Ugh..... Same thing with sending me rage baits... like; "look at this, you WON'T BELIEVE WHAT SHE SAID".... Come on.... These kind of videos just make me angry for no reason. They achieved what they really wanted - which is making me irritated and resentful? Is this what friendship is like? Endless stream of bullshit of useless info and other things which just make you feel despair? Ah, totally forgot - Misery loves company.

My friends WANT to make me miserable because I atleast try to live a more meaningful life, trying not to waste it scrolling tiktok. Hear this out - recently, I wanted to "challenge" myself and work on my self-control and discipline, so I decided to not masturbate for a week (also known as nofap). I have already took some drastic measures to reduce watching porn (with a partial success). Day 5, day 6 come by and what do I get from my friend? A lust-provoking video of a half naked woman. Seriousely man? Seriousely? HE KNEW I wanted to not masturbate for a week. He knew about my plans. He knew I kept going. Then why do this shit to me? WHY? It didn't made me lose the "challenge", but I am sure it just made me one step closer to failing it, which I eventually did, less than 24 hours less before the end of it. Like, what kind of sick bastard do you have to be to do that to your friend. It's basically a sabotage. Like hey, how about I order him some fast food while he's trying to lose some weight? How about I cook a sugary cake and put it directly in front of his door? How would that make him feel?

Or maybe he didn't even understand what he did? Maybe his brain is so desensitized about porn, masturbation and lewdness that he did not even realize how harmful the thing he did back then was? I don't know. But it feels horrible.

I have already cut off many of my "friends" in the past. They were only causing me harm, throwing logs under my feet and impairing my success. Maybe I am not respecting myself enough? Maybe I should be cutting them off too? But who would be left then. Noone? Should I be alone or have friends who deliberately or subconsciously try to not make me any good?

It is really demotivating. I should be in bed right now but thinking about all of this makes me want to tear my hair out. On one hand, if I really valued my time enough, I would probably live like a fckin hermit, completely isolated away from people. On the other hand, I know I won't manage, because people are social creatures. I think what i am saddened about is that I am surrounded by people who are my friends, but I still feel so lonely. Like, there is no way I would have this kind of conversation with any of my friends like this blog.

I know I am the one who chose these friends, but is it possible that I have not met ONE friend who truly cares about you? Who truly wants to listen to your thoughts? How many fucking times I have messaged my friend, 3 minutes later they go offline..... It's heartbreaking. Or how many times I sent something meaningful to my friends and they just straight up ignored it to send their shit? Fuck it, I'm not replying to them aswell. Fucking bastards. What is the point of even messaging these people if they ignore me or answer to one fifth of my message? Again, fuck them I'm just so tired of all of this.

I really don't think I am also like that. I do my best to be available to them. To hear them out. But the thing is - they dont' want to hear anything about MY STRUGGLES. But when they have a problem, I should be there for them because their world is about to end! The more I think about it the more I think I am just getting used by them, but I am the one allowing them to do it. I am being used as emotional support with getting barely anything back.

Anyways, sorry this post is very messy. It's just another time where I feel completely alone in this world. I just wanted to throw my thoughts out. This is what I wanted this blog to be about originally. Like it or not, there will most likely be more posts like that. I don't know if it will be in a week, a month or a year.

As always - if you have any questions regarding me or my blog, feel free to ask. I will be happy to answer EVERY ONE of your questions to best of my effort. If you want to say "fuck you sad bastard, stop whining", say it too. Put this message out in the world, I want to hear it

[antylope]

Energy drinks are not as bad for you as people say

In this post I would like to talk a little about caffeine, energy drinks, coffee, why some people might be against energy drinks and how their logic is most often faulty.

Before I start though, I would like to point out a few things. I didn't drink energy drinks till i was about 17 years old. I started drinking them because I used to get very sleepy after school, and drinking one a day in the morning completely got rid of it, allowing me to sleep well during the night. I was not addicted, I have quit a few times already, always going cold turkey and taking a few month break inbetween.

There is a narrative in media and in public opinion that energy drinks are bad for you. That they will mess with your kidneys, liver, heart, sleep and brain. Basically demonizing them.

Every time I tried to learn more about it, ask people who are against energy drinks, they NEVER could tell me what mechanism makes it bad for you. They NEVER could justify it. It always was "everyone says they are bad for you, that must mean they are bad!" I believe it comes from a lack of knowledge of these people. Like, if they want me to quit it so badly, why can't they give me any logical arguments for it? Below I would like to provide and debunk some of the most common arguments against drinking energy drinks:

"Energy drinks have a lot of sugar." Yes, if there is a sugary energy drinks, it usually has a substantial amount of sugar. But MOST energy drinks do not have ANY sugar at all - they replace it with artificial sweeteners, successfully getting rid of any negatives that could develop from the amount of sugar (such as obesity or cavities in your teeth). Personally, I would say, it is very rare to see an energy drink with sugar. The "worst" thing I've seen in some energy drinks is 20% apple juice, which adds about 80 calories to a 500 ml energy drink. And you can not tell me, that calories from apples are the same thing and are as bad for you as just plain sugar added to many beverages. Anyways, this brings me down to the second point:

"Artifical sweeteners are bad for you." I think this just comes down to the lack of trust and being afraid of novelty. There are countless studies, that prove artificial sweeteners do not cause harm in such quantities. "b-but it gives you cancer!" - yeah, more like if you would drink 110 cans of coke every day for 3 years, as they showed on the studies. Your body can handle such little amount of artificial sweeteners without any risk. Moreover, how many people you know that drink just a plain, black coffee without adding anything to it? Personally, I don't know many. Most of them like to add sugar, milk or some other syrups (which most often have both sugar and atrifical sweeteners) to make it taste better, debunking this argument.

"They have a lot of chemicals." Oh really, would you like totell me which chemicals do they have? Let me point out what an average energy drink in my country has: - water - co2 to make it carbonated - apple juice - citric acid (oh no, we should never eat lemons/oranges, because they have it too!) - atrificial sweeteners - which i debunked already - taurine - which is naturally found in meat and is healthy for you - caffeine - which is usually 30mg/100 ml or drink, so 75 for a small energy drink or 150 mg for a 500 ml one. The daily recommendation for safe caffeine intake is to stay below 400 mg a day. So one "big" energy drink is not even 40% of the recommended intake. - natural aroma from fruits - vitamins which have many *scary* names, such as inositol or niacin (vitamin B8 and B3) Thats it. So how exactly are energy drinks bad for you? How exactly they are full of chemicals? Because by analyzing the ingredients list, I don't see anything so harmful.

"Energy drinks are bad for your heart! You will have a heart attack in your twenties!" So, how exactly would they cause the heart attack? By having a lot of caffeine in them. As you can see above, energy drinks do not have that much caffeine in them as people often like to say. You can drink ONE LITER (2 big cans) of energy drinks and still be under the recommended daily limit by a whole 100 miligrams (so 25%). By hearing this counter-argument, people start to go crazy and they go out of their way to show me some extreme story how a young person died after "consuming energy drinks". You click it, read the article, and what do you see? The guy had like 10 big energy drinks in a span of 5 hours. Holy fuck, like, seriousely? Really? No wonder his heart got obliterated then. You can make the same argument for someone who would drink 10 cups of espresso. But, of course, this story will happen more often with energy drinks, because they are more appealing than coffee for them. Older people hardly ever drink energy drinks.

Attributing downsides of caffeine to energy drinks. Here lies every argument that is associated with the caffeine, and not energy drinks themselves. Energy drinks are just a way to get the caffeine to your body. So, the arguments I hear most often are: "You won't sleep after the energy drinks" (actually, they helped me sleep properly, but thanks for caring!), "You will get heart palpitations" "you won't be able to sit straight after you drink it" and such arguments similar to these. I will repeat it once again: you can get the same effect by drinking coffee, taking caffeine pills or consuming any other caffeine source if you are dedicated enough.

I would also like to point out how most of the adults are ADDICTED to coffee. They will say how drinking ONE energy drink 90 minutes after I wake up is so bad for you, meanwhile they won't be able to leave the house if they don't have coffee right after they wake up. They won't be able to function properly in the job if they don't have a coffee during a break. They will feel extremely tired after they come back from work, so they need another cup of coffee. Of course, most often they also want to eat a piece of cake to their coffee, which makes them complete hypocrites by using the argument no. 1 against energy drinks.

So, I would finish my day drinking ONE energy drink at the start of the day, and they would have ATLEAST 3 cups of coffee - one in the morning, one at noon and one at evening. Then, they will have trouble sleeping in the night and they will wake up EVEN MORE tired because of that. Often times they will sacrafice their sleep during the week and try to "make up for it" during the weekends, completely shattering their sleep schedule in the pieces. Meanwhile, I go to bed exactly at 10 pm every day and wake up at 6:30 am. No matter if it is a week day, weekend or holidays. Am I really the bad one?

As my friend pointed out, we are a society of people endlessly tired. Unfortunately, most people don't even consider doing anything about it, learning anything about it. They drink coffee because it's what others do. They say it's good because that's what they heard in the media. They demonize energy drinks because that's what they heard on the tv. It hurts my soul when people call me out on "being addicted" to energy drinks, when I took a few breaks already, and they have been drinking coffee since 20+ years non stop, every day. Who is the addicted one?

To wrap it up, I would also say I am currently not drinking any energy drinks. I decided to try out coffee. As you can imagine, it tastes bad for me. I am not used to the taste yet. However, there are some thoughts that are bugging me. Even after ignoring the arguments above I have a problem with coffee and I believe energy drinks to be superior with these qualities:

You need to add calories for it to taste good, like milk or sugar. You can also add artifical sweeteners but that's what people said was bad in energy drinks.

You never know how much caffeine is in your body - no one really knows how much is "one cup of coffee" or a "double shot of espresso", there are different cup sizes, different coffee beans beans and you can make a coffee of a various power, whereas in energy drinks you see it on the label.

You can easily chug down your coffee in 3 seconds or less, meaning you'll get an instant shot of 100% of the caffeine, which results in quite a shock to your body because the caffeine is not "spread out". When I drank energy drinks it was impossible to drink it all so quickly, because of the fizziness of the beverage, a small opening in a can and the fact that it was cold af, which resulted in me drinking my whole can in a span of 30-60 minutes, and a full cup of coffee in 10 seconds just to "get it over with".

Feel free to discuss it here. Do you think they are bad? Do you think I am wrong? Or maybe I completely misrepresented some point? Call me out on my "bullsh*t". Ask me some questions. I will answer all of them.

[antylope]

How social media takes away your will to live

Hello. Today I would like to talk a bit about the dangers of social media. I know this topic has probably been brought up countless times in your life and that I will probably sound like your parents, telling you to not sit in front of a screen all day, but I still would like to elaborate on the topic.

Social media are destroying your brain. They take away all the things you love in life.

As you all know, social media is free to use by everyone. You don't have to pay any money for it. Then, the question arises - why are they so prevalent in modern society and how do they make the service profitable? See, the thing is: you pay for the service with your data and your attention.

1. Data and information about you

Social media want to know EVERYTHING about you. and when I say everything, I really mean EVERYTHING. Your age, name, gender or your email? These are the things that an average person would name, but in reality - it's just a tip of an iceberg. Then in fact know your interests, what posts you like, how much you look at a certain post, even how long do you hover your mouse over a post or a search result. All these things are recorded to create a bundle of perfect suggestions and advertisements just for you. Siri, Google assistant? Yeah, if you have them turned on, they listen to everything you say aswell. If not, then how would your phone know when you said "Hey Google/siri"? They HAVE to listen to you 24/7 for it to work.

There also was a scandal more than 10 years ago, where the things for pregnant women - like diapers, baby food etc. started to be adversied to a girl. Her father was furious about it why they would show it to a young woman like her daughter. Turns out - she actually was pregnant. The advertisements knew she was pregnant before the father did. That is the extend to which the ads are invasive. They interfere with your privacy scanning your private messages and search results.

Also, terms of service of pretty much every social media platform are becoming increasingly worse for the customer. You constantly have to agree to worse conditions, to they point that we have to allow them to spy on us in order to even use their service. If you actually read the ToS, it turns out they can ban you off the platform at ANY moment, without any particular reason. Also, every item / service / licence which you buy, is not actually owned by you, but instead you "rent it out" indefinitely. Meaning, you it is NOT AN OWNERSHIP of the item. But that's a whole another issue, so I won't talk about it today.

2. Your attention

Social media FIGHT for your attention. Your attention is a scarce, limited resource. Every day, you have only about 16 hours of it to spend (actually, some people rather sacrafice their sleep time just to scroll a bit more). They do everything they can to win just a little bit of it and make you use their service.

Do you know why you feel like there is a constant ideological / gender war? Because social media rewards controvertial topics. They KNOW you will feel emotional, you will become angry or irritated, they know you will watch the whole video or read the whole post, and probably even react to it / comment on it, promoting such posts even more.

They create artificial FOMO (fear of missing out) by using clickbait titles or fear mongering that the world is about to end. There are many 'influencers' who only live to propel another worthless, mindless drama. They provide absolutely ZERO value to your life, yet you listen to them daily. Think about the stuff you watch / read carefully. Ask yourself a question - do I really care about that? Do I care that some guy, on the other side of the world, who I will never meet in real life offended someone? Do I care that some troglodyte influencers will fight each other in a cage? Is it actually that interesting that some guy counted to a million in one sitting or watched a paint dry for 12 hours without moving in his chair? What value does it provide for me? How do I benefit from it? The more often you are mindful of that, the more you question yourself about the content you consume - they more you will realise - almost everything is crap which you shouldn't spend even one minute on.

Social media also makes your life miserable in other way. It creates 'life dysmorphia'. Just as with body dysmorphia, you are always unsatisfied with your body, because you have unrealistic standards, life dysmorphia has the same impact on you but on every single aspect of your life. People who got popular on the internet most often are lucky, or are a very small fraction of the actual population. Whether that is being very handsome, muscular, rich, whatever comes to your mind that you're jealous of. Seeing top 1% of people on earth and comparing yourself to them is NOT healthy.

Do you wanna hear what's even funnier? Even they are showing only a small fraction of their day, picking only the best moments in their lives, which are also fake, since they often take hundreds of photos, only to choose one and even then to modify it even further, so it makes more perfect than it already is. They can make their muscles a bit bigger, waist a little smaller, hair a bit more luscious.

EVERY person has struggles. Their lives are not perfect. Behind every photo where they are smiling on the beach you don't see the antidepressants they take, the steroids they inject, the horrible acne they got (so they use filters to hide it), how their relationship is failing, even though "they seem so perfect on the camera".

Look at this as an example. Left picture - instagram, right picture - real life. And this is a guy that injected steroids in his body and has top 1% genetics for building muscle. This is the exact reason why social media is a cancer to society - you have unrealistic expectations, when even the people you aspire to be like don't look like that in the real world.

That is how social media makes you miserable. You are chained to your phone, consuming things which are not even interesting to you. They take away your privacy, they prey on your fear of missing out on a new trend which will die in a week. Your life has no meaning. The first thing you do after waking up? Check your phone. The last thing you do before going to bed? That's right - checking your phone. It is an amazing device - to suck the life out of you and make your life worthless.

Okay, I explained why social media are awful for you. Now your question is most likely - if they are so bad for you what I am supposed to do with my time then? Instead of consuming - create. Stop watching people getting to the top of the mountain - do that yourself. Instead of looking at someone playing an instrument - learn that on your own! It is harder, it won't always be easy and pleasureable, but trust me - the long term satisfaction achieved by it will be much greater than watching some random guy on the internet doing that. In a day you will forget what stupid video you watched. Things you do on your own, on the other hand, will create much more memorable moments :).

Thanks for reading this post. Of course, there are some possible advantages to social media. For example, youtube some has educational content, but I find it extremely difficult to not succumb to the desire to watch something for pure entertainment while I'm already here.

As always, if you have any questions regarding my life, opinion about certain topic, or want me to discuss something further - go for it, ask me. I will be happy to respond to everyone.

[antylope]

How I became a top 0.1%, made money from it and then started hating it

Hi everyone, this will be a story about how transforming your hobby into a "dream job" does not turn out so good in reality. About 3 years ago, I got insanely good at an infamous game - League of Legends. I managed to earn a living from it but I eventually quit.

Before I start, I just want to state that this is NOT some form of bragging that I managed to do what many teenagers consider their dream. The truth to the story is there were many disadvantages that noone really hears about.

I got introduced to this game at the age of about 10 or 11 by my older brother. It looked fun to me, even though I was horrendous at it. I played it on and off since the age of 11 to the age of 15, not thinking much about it and often taking months, or even years off, when I got bored of it. Totally understandable, normal stuff.

I was 16 when COVID hit. I was stuck in my house, not having to go physically to school, with lots of time on my hands, so I thought to myself I'd give this game one more chance. I still was awful at it, but slowly I became a bit better. I started really liking it. I started thinking what I did wrong in the games I've played, what can I improve, what are my weaknesses. I started looking at guides on the internet, I watched countless hours of coaches talking how to play better. After a few months I hit Diamond (for those who do not know anything about this game - it is about top 5-10% of playerbase).

I knew I still had much room for improvement so I kept going. The better I got at the game the more drawn I was to it. Eventually, it became something I would consider my passion. It was not mindless playing to kill the time, I did EVERYTHING I could to be better at this game. I did not play when I was tired, I made sure to get quality sleep to perform better. I avoided foods that made my brainfog worse. I recorded all of my matches I have had played and reviewed them every day for one hour before going to sleep. I even set my alarm clock and woke up at 6 am, 2 full hours to play a few matches before having to listen to online classes.

I had one thing in mind - to become the best. I was very ambitious, I lived for this game and I LOVED IT. Eventually, at the age of 17 achieved Master rank, which was top 1-0.5%. This still was not enough to make money from it, so I kept going. I knew I could achieve more. I was very emotional about every match I played, I knew I had to put 100% of my effort to perform as best as I could.

Getting to the plot, at the point of my 18th birthday I became so good I was in the top 2000 players in the whole Europe. Out of millions of people who play it everyday, I was one of the best. I was so proud of myself. This was the point in which I thought to myself, "I am ready to make a carrier out of it".

To explain how you can earn money from this game, there are 3 options: 1) Become a professional player, play for a team and conquer the world 2) Be a coach and sell your services to help other people get better 3) Boosting, which in simple terms can be explained by: logging onto someone's account (or playing with them) and winning a lot of games to boost their rank and get paid for it.

I chose the third option, since it paid the most for an average person who tried to earn money from playing this game. I applied to many sites which offered such services, not as a customer but as an "employee". After a few weeks I finally got in. The procedure was complicated and it was insanely difficult to get in, but somehow I have made it.

At first, I loved it. Playing my favourite game and get paid for it? That's amazing! I broke the code to becoming rich! 3 months have passed and this is when the realisation started to hit me. This "job" (if I can even call it such) had many downsides, which were obviousely not talked about. I will try to name as many as I can:

1) You most often had to """work""" (play) a minimum of 12 hours a day to earn any significant money - being on the top of the game and keeping focus and energy throughout all this time is IMMENSELY difficult. Near impossible I'd argue. 2) You often had to wait hours to be able to start playing, because there simple were no customers that wanted the service. 3) The sites that offered such service took a minimum of 40% cut from the work you did, meaning if you'd earn 100€, you would have to give 40€ to the site. 4) Some customers were awful people - they paid as little as it was possible, while simultaneously demanding the highest quality and the quickest service to be provided. Many of them also had weird specific requirements, such as playing only during certain hours, playing certain role, champions, configuration, etc, which was extremely annyoing since you couldn't just do your "job", but instead you'd have to deal with their oddities. 5) You have to play even if you don't want to. You don't like certain changes in the game on the newest update? That's a shame, you still have to perform at your best. You wanted to take a break? Nope, you are obligated to finish your order. There was no such thing as weekend. You wanted to go on holidays? One month of not being active and you'd get kicked from the site. 6) The competition was cutthroat. New orders from customers were picked up by boosters (people doing the "job") in a matter of SECONDS, making you sit in front of the screen sitting there with impatience. 7) Absolutely no time for any other hobbies, cooking healthy, nutritious meals or even school. I would do the bare minimum to pass all the exams just to have more time to grind this game.

As you can see, there was a lot that could, and went wrong with playing this game as a source of income. But most of the time I just clenched my teeth and pushed through it. If you dealth with all of the unconformities your income was pretty nice. In my opinion you could easily make a living out of it, especially in my country. The salary was paid in Euro, which is much more valuable than our local currency, and 500€ of income a month would be enough to keep you going without a real job. Add to that the fact that I lived with my parents, went to school, so this money was amazing for me, especially when I did my "dream job".

This allowed me to live like a king compared to my peers this age. Can you even imagine, still being in highschool and making as much money as an adult with a real job, while you're just sitting in front of a computer and play games? This was something which many of my friends were jealous of, hah, even my parents were. My dad was very supportive of it and my mother said it is "unfair for me to earn as much as she does when she is more than 20 years older than me and she works a REAL JOB". Noone knew the reality, the dark side of it, how it drained you from all of your energy. It was extremely stressful, it drained you emotionally aswell, which caused me to perform worse each month.

Deep down inside of me I knew I needed a break, but I always said to myself: "Come on, THIS is what you wanted all your life! You are playing games for a living! Stop being an entitled, ungrateful kid and appreciate where you got in life!".

Slowly, I started despising this game. I hated every bit of it, I hated the changes, I hated the stress, I hated how much time I have to put in, I hated the customers, my "coworkers", I hated the whole atmosphere. I wanted to escape from it. I wanted to break away from the chains that I have put myself in. This was also about the time where I started to change my life for the better. I lost a bit of weight, I took mental health seriousely. I started going for walks. You have no idea how amazing they felt - I just felt at peace. I felt like I could take a deep breath and finally take some rest.

This made me understand one thing - I don't like this game and it is restraining me from becoming a better person, from improving my life. All of the people who play it are losers like I was, they hate their pathetic lifes and they live without any real social connections. This realisation helped me decide to cut this game out of my life once for good.

When I uninstalled this game, I felt a void in my heart. Previousely, it was all my life. I was what I was thinking about while waking up, when going to sleep, while in school, while on the toilet. I LIVED FOR IT. I just did not know what to do with myself. All of a sudden I had so much free time on my hands. You can compare it to an animal which spent all its' life in a cage. Then people decided to release it to the wild. The animal just sits there, stares at the trees, not knowing he is finally free. It's because he never experienced other life than the one it had in the cage. I felt very similar to this animal. On one hand, I finally did not have to stress. On the other hand, all that I worked for? Destroyed. My passion? Gone.

Right now, about 2 years later, I still am confused what to exactly do with my life. This might sound depressing, but I have no reason to get out of my bed. I have nothing I can put my best efforts in. I don't know what path to choose. I am wasting countless hours doing things which I don't care about, like scrolling social media. Even though I know I made the right choice, my life got better in almost every aspect, I still am lost. My life now is constantly seeking such another thing which will make me trully live again.

The conclusion of this story is that the world on other side of the bridge might look completely different that you'd imagined. You might reconsider seriousely if you really want to transform your hobby into your work, since this is when you start to most often hate it. That is why I also believe your job should not be something you love. It will suck the life out of you.

Thank you for taking your time to read it. As always, if you have any questions, if you want me to explain anything, or even if you want to throw a hate comment out there, go for it. I will be more than happy to read it and respond to you.

[antylope]

pt2. How I stopped being a loser (and how you can do it too!)

This is the second part of how I became and then quit being a loser. The TL;DR is on the bottom, if you can't be bothered to read all of it. You can read part one here: https://www.tumblr.com/antylope/755162461865377792/pt1-how-i-became-a-loser-learn-on-my-mistakes?source=share

To sum up the first part, I was too shy, I was overweight, all my friends were talking behind my back, I felt rejected by society and I didn't leave my house for a long long time.

One day I decided to change atleast one thing, being overweight. I started with educating myself on the topic, how do calories work, why do I look like that and how can I change it. I was very commited to actually do it, because I could NOT see myself weighing even more than I already did.

I decided I will eat about 1500 calories a day, which from the time perspective was not ideal, but atleast I could see the scale moving week by week. Even though I was trully commited and motivated, I very often could not restrain myself from, for example, eating 500 calories worth of ice cream at the start of my day. It made me hungry 30 minutes after, so I had to get through and push through the hunger waiting many hours for my next meal. This was definitely a mistake, but huh, barely anyone sticks to their diet completely.

I started this weight loss journey on May, at the start of September I lost a total of 12 kilograms, which is more than 26 pounds for my american readers out there. About this time I also started weightlifting. I used two adjustable dumbbells that went up to 10 kilograms, which is not heavy at all, but for such weakling that I was, it was plenty. When I first started even 5 kilograms were a tough challenge for me in many exercises. Combining resistance training with a caloric deficit allowed my newbie, unsculpted body to build muscle and lose bodyfat at the same time. I believe I lost a total of 15 kilograms of water and fat combined, but the scale only moved down by 12 kilograms, since the 3 kilograms were my new muscles I built. It was not much, but it was a demanding work.

To help me with my weightloss, I also introduced something which I should had been doing long time ago, which is walking. I know how trivial does that sound, but it is the reality. During my highschool years I could not leave the house for months because I didn't feel the need to. During my weight loss phase I felt an urge to leave my home. I talked about it with my friend, because why the hell not - taking a walk is not something I'd usually do back then.

I felt a sudden pushback from my friend, he called me an idiot, he said I am retarded for wanting to leave my house to "wander around the city pointlessly". I know how stupid that sounds NOW, but back then I felt really... ashamed? because of it.

The urge didn't stop so I decided to leave my house and I ENJOYED IT. Yes, I know that I am talking like it's a big thing, meanwhile it is only leaving the house, but that's how I felt back then, however foolish that sounds. I loved (and still do) late evening long walks with my headphones on. Leaving the house at 9 pm and coming back at 11 pm with a bunch of new albums listened to. My legs were exhausted from the weekly 10 kilometers (about 13k steps) walks I did, but eventually they got used to it. It was another thing which helped both, my body, since it was a form of a very light cardio, and my mind, because then I was alone with my thoughts and I was able to think about my life.

As you can probably deduct from my posts, my friends were assholes, which brings me to my next point. GET RID OF PEOPLE WHO DON'T WANT THE BEST FOR YOU. My friends were the definition of crab bucket mentality - when one crab wants to try to leave the bucket, he is instantly pulled back by other crabs. I slowly started to realise, that in my life, very few people actually want me to change myself for the better. That's how, I cut off and completely blocked my one friend, then another, then another. Slowly, one by one, I got rid of them, to the point that I only have 2 close friends now - and honestly? I don't need any more.

Okay, I cut out my tragic diet habits and added physical training, I cut off my toxic environment. What's left then? Of course, the person who I will always be with. Myself. I needed to change my attitude, my self confidence, my whole well-being.

I've tried numerous resources to change it. To name a few, Jordan Peterson's lectures were VERY helpful, Dr. K.'s streams and videos taught me how to fix some issues, read some books about psychology and self-development, such as "7 Daily Habits of Highly Effective People" (it's an amazing read, highly suggest it). Working out helped me also feel better about myself, made my confidence go up seeing my body transform. Long walks as I mentioned previousely were also great.

There were many other, small things I did to improve my overall aspects of life, but In my opinion they were too insignificant to dedicate them their individual paraghraphs. This were things such as: changing a haircut and growing my hair a little, buying hands/face creams and moisturizers, wearing clothes I actually like and not whatever my mom picked for me (Yes I know I was pathetic), considerably cut on the amount of porn I watch (I plan to stop it completely, but I am getting there), cleaning my room, changing my glasses and probably dozens of other tidbits I don't remember anymore.

Remember, all these things, such as improving your physical appearance, well-being and cutting off people who don't want you to succeed should ideally be done all simultaneously, but don't feel bad about yourself if you cannot do them all at once. They often come in stages, sometimes you want to focus on one thing, sometimes on another, which is totally fine. Just remember to put things on backburner, and never stop doing them completely.

With all these things I've done for myself I finished highschool at the age of 18 (almost 19) and went off to university on October. It was where I noticed I am not my old self anymore, I improved, I am someone (something?) more. I made many new acquaintances there, I talked with A LOT of people. To compare it, In the 3 years of my highschool I haven't spoken to everyone from my class, which was about 25 people big. During my first semester of the Uni, I'm pretty sure I spoke to atleast 30-50 people. Don't know the exact number, I don't count. In highschool, I would NEVER talk to a girl out of my initiative. During the first week of University, I made friends with 2 girls and walked them home (they lived in the same direction as I did). They were laughing at my jokes, I could hold a conversation easily and always have something to say. I felt... proud? satisfied with the changes I've made? relieved because I finally stepped out of my comfort zone?

Now, I can honestly say, studying at my University is the best episode of my life and I look forward to my future. I think it will only be better.

Sorry if this post is a big mess, I know I was all around the place, I just couldn't think of a better way to write it here and to not be a book-length worth of story, meanwhile keeping it fairly interesting for someone who does not know who I am.

TL;DR:

In order to quit being a loser I: 1) Lost weight, went on a diet 2) Started physical training to build muscle 3) Cut off toxic environment from me (un-supportive friends) 4) Improved my well-being 5) Many other tidbits which are not worth mentioning alone. 6) Stepped out of my comfort zone and actually tried.

Please let me know If you want me to elaborate on any particular chapter. I am happy to share my story to motivate others and to show them it is possible.

[antylope]

pt1. How I became a loser (Learn on my mistakes)

Hi again, this will be a first part of a story which explains how I became a loser.

I desire for this post to be relatable to others which might have found themselves in a similar boat. If you don't want to read how I became a loser, you can skip to the second part, where I explain how I escaped being a loser, but I believe it'd be very helpful if you read the whole post.

I believe it was a combination of genes, the way I had been raised and various environmental factors. I am a very intense introvert and I have been throughout my whole life. My parents sent me to a private catholic kindergarten, which was also connected with a catholic primary school. This made me spent my early childhood, from age 4 to 12 in a very religious, god-fearing atmosphere, where everything had to be 'perfect' and strict, where there was a high demand for discipline. We couldn't wear the clothes we want, we couldn't eat sweets, we couldn't use our phones.

As you can imagine, such restrictions of freedom might work as a short-term solution, but when you "take off the leash" away from these children they don't know how to deal with it. Last time I checked, exactly HALF of the people I went to class with still were: afraid of life, extremely shy, unable to make any decisions for themselves, overly scared of taking risk or any change etc. The other half enjoyed the freedom, which was given to them by ending the primary school, a bit too much. They became "wild' with the way they lived their lifes, they started abusing drugs or destroying their lives in various ways.

At the age of 12 I landed in the first group - I was a small child whom was afraid of the whole world. I was too scared to make friends with anyone, I was scared to talk to girls. It became so severe I lived with a huge amount of anxiety. My legs were also shaking when I tried to talk to any girl (I know how absurd that sounds). I also became a bit chubby, which made me self-concious of my body image, but in age 13-15 I grew a bit taller so I wasn't as overweight.

Age 16 is when highschool started. Probably the worst episode of my life. I again had troubles with my self confidece, to the point that I could not look in the mirror. I had a few friends, which in reality were talking behind my back and laughing at me (I will probably make a post about it in details in the future). I never was good at sports, I was always chosen last. It's not that I hated sports, I just was extremely bad at them and the comments from other peers my age were demotivating and they made my attitude negative.

"Luckily" covid hit so I didn't have to leave my house ever. I am pretty sure it was MONTHS of staying inside, not leaving the home because why would I - everything was on the internet anyways. I became a shut in which spent EVERY bit of my time playing games on my computer. I became even more addicted to porn, masturbating 3-5 times a day to increasingly more fucked up shit. I also became chubby again, which landed me in a "skinny-fat" category (your arms are small and skinny, but you have a belly and fatty love handles). My diet didn't help it. It consisted in 80% of processed foods.

My life was a mess. I was overweight, weak both physically and mentally, addicted to porn, I felt rejected by society, and all of my friends were "secretly" laughing at me, but I was such a big waste of space I accepted it. I was a definition of a loser - someone who lost in real life. And I wasn't even fully aware of it.

My realization came to me in 2 seperate situations.

The first one, is when my friend asked me to send him a picture of my face, because he "wanted to draw me". This was kinda his interest back then so I agreed. It turned out he wanted to, once again, laugh at me with his other friends. All of them set my face as a profile picture on discord, basically bullying me and making a laughing stock out of me.

The second one was when I was sitting in front of a computer browsing social media (because what else could I be doing back then), it was insanely hot that day so I did it shirtless. I looked down at my body, and then the realisation hit. I was overweight as fuck. I had huge love-handles and man-boobs, which were most likely a result of puberty fueled by highly processed foods and 0 physical activity.

This was the day I decided to change myself.

But how I did it? You will find out in part 2 :-)

Hope you enjoyed this post and remember - if you have ANY questions about me or suggestions about this blog, let me know. I am new to this and I WANT to hear from you.

[antylope]

The whole idea of this blog

Hello everyone, I would like to start with introducing myself.

I am a 20 year old male, currently living in Europe (maybe later on I'll decide to share more details), I am in the process of getting a degree in Finance and Accounting at my university. I know this does not sound like the most interesting life, which I acknowledge, and it is quite contradictory to my interests, since most of my life I've been interested in philosophy. I also work out regularly and play the piano.

The reason I decided to start this blog is because I wanted to share and reflect on my struggles and I firmly believe other people could benefit from it (or atleast relate to it so they feel more understood). From the outside view my life sounds pretty decent, I have a gf and a few friends, but I feel like I can never be fully transparent with them, I don't want to put this burden of my bad well-being on them.

I want to improve my life, I want to learn new things, I want to never stop learning. I have plenty of flaws in my lifestyle / personality, which I am aware of and I am trying to change them everyday. One big flaw which I have is being afraid of being alone with my thoughts. I am scared of them reaching me, because then I'd have to face them. BUT, let's hope writing about them in a form of a blog will help me become more familiar and accustomed to them.

That is it for this post, If you have ANY questions, complaints, or criticism towards me, let me know in any way. I will be happy to answer them.