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[atimemachinewasteland]

Love? How Does It Feel Again?

It’s been a while since the last time I felt the most in love  in the world. It’s already been years since I last had my heart beating insanely for someone else. And I miss that feeling. You know that feeling of pure bliss and happiness in your heart because you love someone and you are loved by someone. When you thought you can do everything in the world and can surpass and get through all life’s trials and challenges. Those were the days.

Once upon a time, I was so crazily  in love with someone. Too in love that I knew it wasn’t right. It wasn’t right because I was slowly losing myself in the process. I was rather too attached with my man back then that I always gave him almost everything--things he wanted, my time for him even if I was already struggling managing mine with work and projects, everything. But then hey, I was in love! So you would forgive me that I was that “stupid”, if you will, and be blind of the toxicity of the behavior I’d been acting towards the relationship. Then the day has come when that relationship I was so desperate to keep had to end. Boom! My world shattered into pieces. I just automatically died inside. It even affected my physical health. I lost quite a lot of pounds and I looked ill and sick. I didn’t wanna eat, I didn’t even wanna live. Lame and stupid? You can say that. That phase in my life, however, made me learn new things about life itself.  And most importantly, I learned tons about myself. Somehow, I can say I am thankful of that breakup because I grew and matured. I became more understanding and wiser. I discovered new things, new people, and new hobbies and likes. After a solid two years, I am confident to say that I have moved on and I have grown. The best thing that happened to me out of that breakup is that I learned to love myself even more and I learned how to love myself  way better now. The things I did not care about myself before, I now take a lot of care. Furthermore, I have become kinder, generous and more forgiving to things and people. To  friends, workmates, acquaintances and to just about everyone at work and at our neighborhood. It’s kind of ironic that I had to have my heart broken for me to be whole and complete without needing anyone to “complete” me. I am complete. 

Now that I’m thinking and remembering that phase in my life, I just smile and laugh at myself (somehow). People may judge me for  being single for quite a long time and that I am not getting any younger to not have a partner already, I realized and I firmly believe that I am just as fine being single. It doesn’t mean I am unworthy of love because I’ve been single for years. I am worthy of love that the people I have in my everyday life always appreciate and love me unconditionally. That alone, I think, is what love really is. Unconditional. Love doesn’t just equate to romantic love. In fact, having your friends, family and colleagues who respect and love you almost on a daily basis is the strongest and the best kind of love. You don’t have to give them anything just for them to love you. They just love you for who you are.

I apologize if I kind of sound too “cheesy” this entire writing and yes, of course, despite everything, I admit I still look forward to having a romantic love. But I am not relying on that alone for me to go on  with my life and to be able to become happy. In fact, I’ve never been this happy. And I think I may be able to  share this happiness with someone special in the future when God gives the man who deserves me.

For now, I just have to keep going on with my life and trust the process and the universe to take care of everything for me. So  to all my sisters who are going through a heartache right now, you’ll be fine. It will take time. Just hang in there.  Trust the Universe, trust God that you have to go through this because you can do it and can definitely surpass it. This will only make you an even stronger woman who is so much worthy of all the love in the world. And if I may just ask you a big favor, please do not ever  think you are not worthy of love. You are beautiful, you are blessed, you deserve a lot of good things in life, and you deserve to be loved unconditionally. Stay safe and put on your crown.

[atimemachinewasteland]

WHEN THE WORLD IS ASLEEP.

Another of those sleepless nights. Billions of thoughts have been running in my head. Mostly negative and melancholic ones. Surely, I couldn’t somehow help reliving the disaster of the past. When the world is asleep, here I am wide awake. Awake by the memories of the past. The pain is somehow still there. I try to totally heal, but my heart and mind still acknowledge such pain. When the world is asleep, my memories of you—of us—are very much awake. How can I ever totally forget about us? About the past? About the pain? That specific pain you caused me that made me who I am today? True. It won’t be that easy to totally forget. I may have been in the longest process of healing, but I am confident and proud that I am not who I had been in the past. The present version of me now is stronger, wiser, still makes mistakes from time to time, but gets back up easily and learns from them. Tonight, as I await for sleep to finally visit me, this I will tell the world, that when it is asleep, I am here wide awake—wiser, stronger, and most importantly, grateful of what the past has taught me.

[atimemachinewasteland]

Back at it AGAIN.

Yey! I’m back to the nth time. Haha! Forgive. It’s already 2020 and the last entry I made was more than a year now. Anyway, I just got inspired again to go back to writing because of this TikTok user I happened to come across while wasting my time on the app. Haha!  As most of you know here on cyberspace, I am a frustrated writer. So, yeah. I guess I haven’t given up yet with my dream of becoming a writer. *fingers crossed*

See you around more often here? *kisses*

[atimemachinewasteland]

Uhm, am I back?

So, hey. It's 2019. February 11, 2019. When was the last time I updated this? I can't remember anymore. Anyway, I'm back. Temporarily maybe? Or for good? Not sure. And yeah, I'm turning 30 this year. Yes, thirrrtyyy. I'm sure you'd think by now I've already grown as a woman and as an individual and have learned a lot about life but, I can't promise that, really. I'm trying, though. And yes, somehow I have learned quite a number of lessons and learnings in life such as managing my emotions and handling every heartache. So if that counts as something mature, then yes, I think I have grown and matured. I hope I really have and I really am. *fingers crossed*

Anyway, thank you for dropping by and reading this. This might be another last entry I'm posting for this, Idk, decade? So just see you around in the cyberspace. Take care. 😘

[atimemachinewasteland]

TALENTS & SKILLS: Not all of them can be aquired

Howdy! It’s been forever since I last updated this blog. I always trick myself into believing that I really can write that I am skilled when it comes to blogging/writing but this has just proven me that I am totally not cut out for being a blogger/writer. I hate it but I have to accept it.

Having said that, I may just come and visit this poor blog of mine from time to time but I cannot promise or even pretend to compose a blogpost every time I’m on here.

I just hope some miracle will happen to me to bring me back my “creative juices” to write some more. This hurts me rather badly but, well, that’s just life. You can’t have all the skills and talents in the universe.

[atimemachinewasteland]

AMONG THE THRONG, THEY JUST SIT THERE

The world is getting madder. The people are getting more and more stressed and frenzied on a daily basis; what with work, family, relationship, and having to just get through every day and try to live some more of the days ahead. Despite such madness, however, and among this throng of people, we all have this one special person we can’t seem to get our mind off no matter how crowded and crammed up a place is. No matter how much preoccupation we have on our plate, they always find a loop to remind us that we can’t not think about them. They just sit right there somewhere in the back of our mind and occasionally pop up from time to time.

We don’t really welcome this kind of unwanted thought. We don’t really want to think about them. Then again, we just can’t help it. They keep on popping up somewhere in our head and whenever we’re kind of very preoccupied with work and notice that they have not actually crossed our mind, alas! they right there and then just step in and occupy our entire brain. Then they’re sort of glued there, forever. They prettily sit there like a boss. It’s hard to explain. Boy is it so hard!

Or maybe they’re just really really that special?

[atimemachinewasteland]

I get it. We, girls, become devastated after a breakup. Whether it be from a long-term relationship or from a short-lived one. And it is totally fine to be miserable after such a dreadful breakup. Only if it’s for a while; give it a week or two. Okay make it even three. But if it lasted beyond that, that’s not something to be overlooked and forgiven. That’d be lunacy right there, honey.

So here are the list of things mistakes that most of us girls make right after things with bae were put to a final end:

1.    POST ABOUT IT ONLINE. If you’re my age, in your mid to late 20s, this act is mediocre and lame. Oh please, stop it! This is just unforgivable. Posting every damn thing, both big and little, about your relationship online is obnoxious and disgusting. So when you regrettably broke up with your bae, stay offline for a while. Never go near a computer or near a smartphone. Fine, you use a smartphone. Well, delete all your social media applications on it! DO IT! Not only will people online find you lame and desperate but your recent ex and his friends will most likely pity you, too. And most of the time, gloat on your misery and misfortune. And nope, not even status posts that allusively target your ex will be an exemption to this. If there’s more annoying than fantards on the internet, this would be it. Indirect “mysterious” status posts. Duh. Just…DON’T.

2.    DROWNING YOURSELF WITH BOOZE THE NEXT DAY. So you think this is going to make him come back to you? You think that’s so heroic of you to destroy yourself just because he left you? Girl, where did all your education go? Here’s a nice and far better alternative: Buko Juice! For cleansing. Good for the skin and for the health.

3.    CRAWLING BACK TO THAT ONE GUY YOU “FRIENDZONED” SOME YEARS AGO. Ahhh…to make yourself feel less awful about the breakup, of course. You’ll seek comfort from Jeff whom you gave a lot of things to hold on to and hope for; only to drop him somewhere along the way and suddenly make your Facebook relationship status in a relationship with that asshole who just broke your heart. I see. Good for you. 4.    STALKING HIM ON EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM THERE IS. A round of applause ladies and gentlemen to our Stalker Queen! Alright here’s the thing, dear: You’re hurting. You just had your heart broken to pieces. Snap! Snap! Hellooow? You’re supposed to be healing it and stop it from any more bleeding. But here you are, looking for some rock salt to slather on to that open awful wound of yours. The thing with doing this act, stalking him like a madwoman on the street is that every post, like, reaction, comment, share you see on his timeline will definitely just hurt you even more. You will have these crazy scenarios your brain just automatically conjures up even if those posts are plain posts that don’t have hidden or any meaning. At all. But because you’re a mad ex-girlfriend, you will inevitably make up stories in your head about each one of those post you see on his timeline. They could even be a potential title in an MMK story. And the result? You wanting to down a liter of muriatic acid at the end of the day. 5.    FORGETTING ABOUT YOURSELF. The worst mistake. EVER! There is a reason why we exist in this world. We are given this one chance to enjoy life and to live it to the fullest. We were born in this world to be the best version of ourselves. To be beautiful inside and out. To rock the world and spread brilliance and happiness all over it. You should not forget that you are a big big part of this big big world. You are beautiful and you matter. You should always feel good about yourself. You should never ever so much as think to become a less version of yourself just because someone broke you or made you feel bad about yourself. Be always beautiful, healthy, and kind. And you have to do this not because for anyone but you do this for yourself and yourself alone. Remember, there’s no one like you in this world. And I mean, NO ONE. There’s only one amazing you in this universe. Take care of yourself. And keep being your shining beautiful you. You will be fine. Everything in this world, every problem, every person, will eventually pass. Enjoy life. It only comes once. (While baes come every freaking time!) Chin up, gorgeous. Keep rockin!

[atimemachinewasteland]

THAT FEELING

And then suddenly it hits you again. That rather very familiar feeling you know too well had haunted you for a long time in the past. That one distinct dreadful feeling you went through from a drastic heartache. It comes back without so much as a warning. You never see it coming. Sometimes you ask yourself if you do have it coming; if you really deserve such recurring feeling of pain. Just when you’re so enjoying life it is when it impeccably comes back and hits you right smack exactly in the most sensitive vulnerable part of you--your heart. The world suddenly turns upsidedown (yet again).

Then you seem to have lost any sense in you. You no longer have any idea what to do. You don’t know how to carry on with your life anymore. You can’t seem to pull yourself together and get a good grip on things. Sadly, when it’s the matters of the heart that we’re being compelled to get our bearings for, it’s never easy. Never been ever. Everything in you just kind of collapses. Everything stops. The world stops. Your brain suddenly stops functioning, it seems. You can’t think properly. And slowly, and most of the time without you noticing it, you’re starting to build walls to keep yourself away from people. To keep yourself safe from people who seem to always hurt you in one way or another. You start having trust issues again; even your confidence in yourself you no longer acknowledge and trust. You feel like everybody just can’t stop fucking with you. Why can’t they fucking stop fucking with your feelings?

The world is just such a cruel place.

[atimemachinewasteland]

A PAGE A DAY

You may be in a situation right now where everything seems to not make any sense. You are hounded with daily common things you’re not even sure will do any good for you but do them anyway lest you compromise your job, your family, your relationships, and other crucial things you have to live with on a daily basis. You never know what’s in store for you, that’s for sure. You live each day knowing absolutely nothing what is going to happen. You may plan the things you do everyday; such as the schedule you have to keep up with while having visions of your boss’ resting bitch face, the deadlines you need to meet while killing that grumpy client of yours in your head, and the people you need to take care of and spare some of your rather very precious time on. In spite of all these, at the end of the day, you ask yourself: “How long will I be doing this?”, “When will I experience something new? Something....not this mundane?” Then you think up of planning on an “adventure”. Well, everybody on your Facebook seems to do this, anyway, don’t they? They travel, they travel with their bae, with their squad, they take on a cruise, and then they post unlimited photos of said “adventure”; otherwise “it didn’t happen”. However, just when you’re about to book that trip, you stop short and rethink things through. Wait, who are you going with again? (uh-oh. I haven’t thought of this actually. I’ve been alone and by myself ever since I can remember) What places are you exactly planning to go to when you get there? And if this travel pushes through, you’re surely going back again to your  boring prosaic day-to-day responsibilities, aren’t you? Just a waste of time and money. I’m going to be bounced back again to all these responsibilities, anyway, you think.

Now, now, cynical, lonely you. There, there.

See, this is life, honey. It’s entirely up to us how we’re going to make it an adventure and an exciting one. Life will always be like that; shitty most of the time, kind and forgiving...sometimes. We make our own adventure, our own choices. We are given a lot of options to choose from. We only need to take things one step at a time. To fill up the pages of our everyday with knowledge and learnings out of the experiences we encounter on a daily basis. Because the real deal here is that, at the end of the day, you are able to tell your self, “I fill up my page today learning something. And hey, I did well today. And I’m happy about it. On to the next page tomorrow.” Then you temporarily close the book.

[atimemachinewasteland]

RISK IT

We are all too afraid to take life a little bit on the edge. We all want to play it safe. And that is totally and humanly fine and normal. No one wants to be faced with mistakes, failures, disappointments on a daily basis just because of the things that were done rather haphazardly, is there? We don’t want that, no. As much as possible, we want to live a smooth, safe or even as perfect life as we could possibly have and hope for everything to turn out just as we painstakingly plan them to be. And then here comes life being ever sporadic and mean that one day it just slaps you right in the face and delivers you something--and sometimes on a silver platter even--to make a choice. A tough choice. A choice that, more often than not, is a matter of life and death. And then now comes the next question: to risk or not to risk?

Circumstances like this is part of life and they inevitably come at some point in this lifetime. They even come not only once but pretty much A LOT of times. These are the times we get to personally assess and evaluate ourselves in terms of growing up and becoming mature enough in handling things we didn’t normally encounter during our younger years. They’re tough. They’re kinda annoying oftentimes (if not most) because we sort of ask ourselves and even God for that matter why such things, of all people in the whole wide world, they were impeccably chosen to be given to us. Shit, right? So again, would we risk it or would we play it safe and just run away from it? That if we could really possibly run away from.

When faced with such dilemma and predicament, the only thing that we can do is to risk it. Taking risk is a spice ingredient of life. Every little good and bad thing that is part of us right now is essential to our entire totality as a person. We are honed by these little and even big things that both test our strengths and weaknesses as individual. The thing with playing it safe is that we never get to learn really. We are always in our safe little box excused from the real outside world. And the outside world mainly consists of these choices and risks.

How would you like to live your life, then? To live it on edge and experience the more spices of life and be honed better, or to be this almost perfect, safe with limited experiences and excitement in life which life itself actually has a lot to offer? Your choice.

[atimemachinewasteland]

TO HELL WITH FATE

“I think that maybe this is fate telling us that we’re not meant to be together.”

To hell with fate! We have been all through ups and downs. We have defied everything that got in our way. We may have had our occasional breaks from time to time only because some things had been too tough on us we had to adjust and balance those things out. In the longest time we’ve been together as lovers, as best-friends, we have survived and surpassed all those hard difficult circumstances our relationship, our friendship, had gone through. And do know this, that in spite of those, it never so much as crossed my mind to give up on us. The very day we laid eyes on each other; those precious moments we stole glances on each other during our common friend Mark’s birthday celebration,I knew in my heart that you’re the one. The one that I am more than willing to have my heart broken by. You meant everything in the world to me. An exaggeration, I know; or could be a disgusting cliche I’m aware. But that, my love, is as real as it gets.

It may have occurred to you that this is getting the best of us and I understand that, I truly do. But one thing I will tell you, my love: to hell with fate because nothing can tell us that we’re not meant to be together. We are meant to be. Believe it. We belong to each other. I love you. Forever and always.

[atimemachinewasteland]

THE BOOK THAT GOT KNOCKED OVER

It was when I was strolling in the mall that I bumped into you by accident. I dropped the book that I just bought from the bookstore and you gentlemanly picked it up for me. Damn crowd of people the pathway was crammed so we had to accidentally bumped into each other. Then you smiled, as I did. Opps, sorry, I said. No it was me, I’m sorry, you said back. Then you smiled. We paused for a moment and when neither of us couldn’t seem to utter the next word out of that rather awkward situation, we just then moved forward and carried on. Since then, I keep wondering of our “what ifs”. What if it had been the start of something new for two strangers who bumped into each other by chance in a random mall full of people? What if the hallways had not been so crowded and we just continued walking on towards where we were headed? What if you had asked me for some coffee and had a little bit of getting-to-know each other? Because clearly, my dear, we were into each other the very moment that book got knocked over and you being the adorable you picked it up for me and gave your sweetest smile.

[atimemachinewasteland]

fuck you, fuccboi

This morning upon waking up I checked my phone and I was this close to slapping my face to see if I was really awake or still dreaming coz I RECIEVED A MESSAGE FROM HIM after forever! I mean, I thought those times we never so much as buzz each other a “hi” meant that was it. It’s over. The we’re-just-having-a-good-time is finally over. But naaaawwww...See? He still remembers that once upon a time in his life, he met someone “Carol” in the person of me! I don’t really know if I sound to you guys happy or giddy but it’s actually the opposite. I am annoyed. Shit! I mean, why would you even bother messaging someone when the very shitty fact that the last time she asked how you have been was last year and because you’re so macho and so damn attractive you never bothered responding even a pretend im-doing-fine one?

Okay, I admit I was so smitten with him when we had our we’re-just-having-a-good-time phase aka “fling” rel. but hey, a girl can only handle too much hope and expectations. So, really, what is the real problem here? It’s me. It’s fuckin me! Coz I still have this tiny bit of feelings for him that has been deprived to be admitted and to be out in the open ever since and I don’t want to go back to that phase again where everything was unclear and agonizing. Had he not messaged this morning, I would have gone on about my day like those normal happy days I have. And then now what? I’m starting to get bothered and disoriented and I hate it! Ugh. Fuck this feeling, man. And fuck all fuccbois!

[atimemachinewasteland]

x

[atimemachinewasteland]

awwww....I coud die reading books!

books, flowers, and handwritten letters ❁

[atimemachinewasteland]

[atimemachinewasteland]

If anyone out there needs someone to talk to about anything, an advice, etc. I am here. Just message/TA me. :)